#Traumatized Yet Still Here [Samuel] | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

multiplicity-positivity · 10 months

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Traumagenic system here!! This is a genuine question, not meant to be a jab or anything!! We are fairly new to the online side of plurality, and often see servers or blogs either not welcome endogenic [?] systems, or they will ask YOU if you support them and if you do you arent welcome. My response has been that we will support them IF there is legitimate sources backing the possibility of their exsistance, simply because 1, that is true we will and 2, because we dont know much about them? NOW THE QUESTION!! um do you have any source that is backed where we could read about other types of systems that ARENT traumagenic? we saw people say there ARE these sources, so we genuinely would love to read them and were wondering if you have any!!

not many as of yet, though there’s a study aiming for 2024 completion that is examining multiplicity without trauma in young people. we’re excited to view the results of this study! there’s also this one interesting and legitimate article on paromancy (called tulpamancy in the study) by samuel vessiere. oh, and this study on writers, exploring how oftentimes writers’ characters will act as independent agents in their own minds (so basically plurality without trauma).

endogenic plurality hasn’t really been studied all that much. a big reason why we think that is, is because for many (if not most) nontraumagenic systems, their plurality is a metaphysical, imagined, or spiritual experience. and these things really cannot be proved by science. lots of people may claim to have loads of research proving endogenic systems exist, but once you get into the articles, it seems like most of those papers either already assume endogenic plurality exists without proving it, or claim to have proof backed with poor research. so those three papers right now are the only academic studies we have that we’re confident in.

does that mean these folks are lying about their experience, or that they’re not actually plural or multiple? absolutely not. what it does mean, is that those who say “i won’t believe you until there’s scientific proof you exist” will likely be waiting forever, all the while dismissing and disrespecting their fellow systems who experience plurality in a different way.

for lots of people, merely having imaginary friends makes them feel plural. others liken their headmates to spirits, ghosts, or deities.

will science ever prove that imaginary friends, ghosts, spirits, or gods exist? likely not. does that make it okay to disregard those who are religious, or who have active imaginations? not really.

this is why we believe fully in endogenic plurality without much research proving it exists. if someone tells us they’re plural, we believe them. folks just existing as they are doesn’t really harm anyone, least of which traumatized systems like us.

those who attack traumagenic systems, or who purposefully spread false information, however, are a different story. for the most part, though, endogenic systems do not behave this way. there are a few loud voices in endogenic spaces which are harmful, but these individuals do not speak for the endogenic community as a whole, even if they think they do.

something that i remember hearing from our therapist that i’d like to pass on is:

you shouldn’t have to understand others in order to treat them with decency and respect. as a white system, we will never be able to understand what it’s like to be a person of color. as a traumagenic system, we will never be able to understand what it’s like to be endogenic. that doesn’t give us an excuse to be unkind or disrespectful, or to dismiss those who aren’t the same as us. it’s still on us to treat people with kindness and respect, even and especially if they experience the world in ways we will never understand.

hope this helps. sorry it was so long.

🐢 kip and 👻 ghost

#endogenic #endo system #nontraumagenic #long post #?#syscourse #??#tagging in case this post is long or syscourse related to avoid potentially triggering others

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x-xsunlightx-x · 2 years

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【ａｓ　ｓｗｅｅｔ　ａｓ　ｃａｋｅ】

" hmm Should I break this door or should I not break this door "

You still can't believe that you are actually doing this . When Ryuhei came begging at your knees to help get mitsuki out of her room Because he have to go to a meeting on behalf her , you didn't think it will be this hard. It had already been 2 hours and you still haven't made any progress

" Leave me alone , am not going anywhere with you "

" I think I should break this door "

" wait-"

" I Can see why Samuel seo hates you "

" Sweetie , That freak hates everybody"

After you finally dragged mitsuki out of her room , you forced her to come with you to the small bakery you always go to and try every single cake they have . You were eating your cheesecake when you noticed mitsuki still hadn't touched anything yet

" oh Look at you , Its so sad to see that your victim finally escaped from you , must've been traumatizing"

" You wouldn't understand "

You stole a piece from her red velvet cake without her knowing

" understand what ? The reason why you drugged an adult man and tricked him into loving you "

" You-"

" but hey , we won't talk about that now because we are here to cheer you up ♡"

You dramatically went and hugged her while she tried to push you away from her . Even though you will never admit it you do feel bad for her sometimes and she may be a bad person but hey most of the people you know are bad people , I mean you are a part of workers . Luckily after some time Mitsuki seemed to enjoy the cakes you recommended at least a little

" Soo , which flavour is your fav-"

You felt your phone vibrates and saw that Ryuhei is calling you

"oh wait , Ryuhei is calling . Heeeyy ♡"

" Why is mitsuki's room door broken you piece of-"

you hanged up on him , it was probably nothing important anyway

" So what is your favourite flavour "

" I really liked the carrots one . Looks like your taste isn't as bad as your attitude "

you decided to keep your mouth shut this time . Just this Time because mitsuki smile was so cute

" Actually , you aren't that bad yourself "

" gasp are you falling for me "

" I take it back "

#lookism #lookism x reader #mitsuki soma #ryuhei kuroda #workers #samuel seo #I feel like this wasn't my best work but I just had to write about mitsuki :')

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ladylilithprime · 1 year

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Lils's 2022 Fanfic Retrospective

Haven't done one of these in a while because something about Covid just seriously sapped my creative energies right out of me and I ended up not writing nearly as much as I wanted for 2020 and 2021. But something in Autumn of 2022 perked me back up, and here's what was accomplished:

Broken Hallelujah: My beloved non-linear narrative Archangel Samuel with Sastiel fic, with wonderful art by @jazzforthecaptain! Not a new fic by any stretch, but I did get a new chapter polished up enough to post.

Unspoken Rules Can't Be Broken: A deviation back into the Harry Potter fandom, because my fandom interests are ever-cyclical. This one was a writing prompt for Harry/Hermione with a specific prompted time-travel do-over premise. I'm not the only person to do it, but I seem to have done a few things that are unique according to my readers.

Wer zu Lebzeit gut auf Erden: More Supernatural! This one was a belated birthday gift to my beloved mutual enabler @rodiniaorzetalthepenquin, featuring a canon divergence at Swan Song where Lucifer and Michael were pushed into the Cage without their vessels, Gabriel took over Heaven, and the Winchesters were told firmly to take a few months (or years) off from doing anything that might break the world again. Very Samcentric despite being Dean's POV, and with some definite Sastiel undercurrents.

Every Time A Bell Rings: A platonic Destiel psuedo-sequel to "Wer zu Lebzeit" as a birthday gift for my bae @jupiterjames who deserved to have something sweet to enjoy. Castiel bakes a pie, and Dean has a canon praise kink. XD

Durch du Engel Halleluja: The actual sequel to "Wer zu Lebzeit" with Christmas, family togetherness, expected and unexpected guests, and Sam FINALLY gets to see the photographs Castiel and Dean keep taking. (Only chapter one got finished by midnight of December 31st, but by golly is this thing going to be finished before February!

Living, Learning, Tongue-Tied, Trying: A snippet originally written for Ro as a happy thought piggybacked off one of her fics of Team Free Will 2.0 before Chuck decided to be an assbutt with Jack going off to college. Also heavily Sastiel, because that's how we roll. XD

These Dying Embers: A contemplative Michael in the Cage watching Lucifer taking Sam apart over and over and over. I actually don't remember how long ago I wrote this one for @threshie, though if I took the hours needed to scroll back through my tumblr messaging history with Ro I'm sure I'd find a date range.

Crack Fic Hat Tricks: Also not new, these were born out of a writing challenge issued by @sageclover61 in one of the Discord servers. Despite the series name, they aren't all crack, but they were definitely all fun to write!

Diamonds Falling Down - Bela Talbot/Lisa Braeden

A Vow Unto His Own - Sam Winchester & Garth Fitzgerald IV

And I Feel Fine - Kevin Tran & Balthazar & Chuck Shurley

You Just Gotta Take A Piece Of Me - Gabriel/Donna & Anael

Let's Go Out With A Bang - Tessa the Reaper/Pamela Barnes/Ruby

Burn Your Biographies: Sabriel this time! Possibly unrequited, possibly not, I left it ambiguous because Gabriel was a traumatized little puppy for a while there.

Maybe More Than Enough: What's this? A new installment of the Something Beautiful Sastimmy Soulmate Saga?? In 2022?? Yep, apparently so! Dean gets filled in on the scoop Sam got from Castiel and sets off to get his brother's soulmate and his family some supernatural protection.

Sons of Men, and Angels: WOOOOOO! This is the original start to the Samael series, the very first work that featured Sam time-travelling back to derail the Apocalypse! I started this thing soooooo many years ago, and there's still so much in this universe that I've got written but can't post yet because THIS, this one is where it all started! If you've already read the Sam Squared series, you'll have a ton of spoilers for where this is going. And speaking of that series....

In The End We'll Surely Lose: This baby got two more chapters added to it, and the fourth is almost ready to be put up! Truly this was a good year for working with Samael's stories because...

Margin of Loss: Ouch. This one hurt to write. It was a random little thought of the canon universe that Sam left behind in SoMaA and the seasons of mess that followed and what it meant that Dean said Yes to a Michael from a completely different timeline instead of the one still trapped in the Cage with Adam. (It may also have been the jumping point of another SoMaA spin-off series like Sam Squared; there's a few of them at this point.)

The Dragon's Librarian: Another somewhat random ficlet that spawned in Discord chat with Ro-- literally, I wrote the whole thing in the chat window. Platonic or pre-Sastiel, with Prince Sam and Dragon Castiel as a hefty dose of inspiration from The Enchanted Forest Chronicles because I will probably never stop loving those books.

And last but definitely not least....

Tell It On The Mountain: A fluffy Sastiel story for @mrswhozeewhatsis for the @spnfanficpond Secret Santa exchange, featuring physically manifested wings, truth compulsions, cuddling by the fire, and mutual consideration for consent and bodily autonomy. (With some Accidentally Engaged thrown in for fun. XD)

And there we have it! Everything I wrote, worked on, and posted in the year 2022! Feel free to peruse various prompt lists I have and drop one in my ask box if you've got something you think would be up my alley to write, and let's see if we can't make 2023 even more prolific than 2022!

#2022 fanfic masterlist #supernatural fic #harry potter fic #sastiel #sabriel #rarepairs

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aaf-brothers-in-arms-au · 1 year

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Chapter 0 (Prologue)

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01:35 AM Andy's House, Apple Acres

Andy woke up in a cold sweat, his mouth dry and buried with the overwhelming sense of dread. Slowly, he glanced down, noticing his hands were shaking and his own sight was disfigured. Only when he lifted his hand to his cheek did he realize he was crying.

He told everyone he got over it, but here he was, mourning yet again.

He sat there sobbing for minutes, although the minutes were like hours to him. His heart was shattered and it was hopeless to pick them all up and attempt to fix it as he'd lost many of them in his previous breakdowns. He couldn't even sleep either, and whenever he miraculously did, he'd be run over with traumatic nightmares of the accident.

When the tears eventually run out, he sat for a brief moment, curled up in a ball, muttering to himself over and over that it was okay, it was fine. Everything is going to be fine.

At least that's what he told him.

Despite having a blurry vision, his eyes caught the screen of his cell phone sitting on his nightstand with the help of the moonlight pouring out the window since he forgot to close the draped curtains before sleeping the day before. He took out a hand, noticed it was still shaking, then sat up and took a deep breath.

"Everything's going to be okay…"

Then he reached again for the phone.

01:35 AM

Ah.

He couldn't go back to sleep, not after that. He slowly dragged himself out of bed, headed to the bedroom door and grabbed his jacket on the way out.

Andy tiptoed down the staircase as if he didn't want to wake anyone up despite living alone. Glancing down, he couldn't hear anything instead of the low hum of the heater as winter still hung around even on late February. Grabbing his shoes and his house keys, he slowly unlocked the door and slipped out to the cold.

He strolled through the sidewalk of the late night, the air chilly and smelling of damp pine cones with the neighbourhood as silent as a tomb. He could hear nothing except the faint clamour in the big city and the soft crunching of the snow under his shoes.

The green eyed apple took a left, gliding towards small stores and the park, until he found himself in the graveyard of the little town. He went straight to the gate, only to let out a small scoff when he realized that it was locked and he had no access to it whatsoever.

He looked around, making sure no one was looking, grabbed the bars of the gate - which were as cold as ice, and, very slowly and quietly, climbed up the gate and landed to his feet and the other side.

Giving one last glance towards his shoulders, he hunched his shoulders and walked away.

As he passed the graves, some very old and some not too long ago, he felt the heart-breaking sense of agony that between them, one of them were inhabited by a close one of his. Although his mind was muddled with misery, he spotted an evergreen round shrub occupied by a handful of daisies. He stopped, glanced down, and plucked out just one of them before going away.

When his stroll slowed down to an amble, he finally found himself standing at the grave of none other than his companion, self condemnation blazing inside of him.

In loving memory of

Samuel Woods

##/##/#### - 19/01/20##

Forever loved, forever missed

#chapter 0 #andys apple farm au #au #aaf #andys apple farm #brothers in arms au #andy the apple #sammy the sunflower

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determination-saved · 7 years

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tag dump

#He's as Nerdy as Us! [OOC]#The Blind Ambassador [Justin]#Gryphon Halfling and Proud! [Sarah]#A Soul Determined to Love [Aurey]#Kindness Fills Her Heart [Jordan]#The Lost First Fallen [Cryptid/Chara]#Mischievous Patience [Jessica]#Blue; NB; and Done With This [Ricky]#Once Evil Now Uncaring [Mayhem]#Traumatized Yet Still Here [Samuel]#Once Here Now Gone Forever [Error]#The Scientist Lost to The Void [Gaster]#A Punny Skeleton [Sans/Switch]#The Greatest Skeleton! [Papyrus/Cyperus]#Once the Captain Now No Longer [Undyne]#Ex Royal Scientist Num. 2 [Alphys]#Loving Goat Mother [Toriel]#King of the Underground's Future [Asgore]#Prince of the Underground's Future [Asriel]

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mean-scarlet-deceiver · 3 years

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Do you have OCs?

Do I have OCs? Do I have OCs?

*nervous laughter* Ohh… maybe a few…

(And thank you for asking! Even though I have no idea how to begin organizing this one, eesh.)

They include but are not limited to...

Here are the ones I have shared most about on this blog—you can find material in them related to the “ttte oc” tag or else trust yourself to the tender mercies of tumblr’s search function (which I find actually works pretty okay for unique single words within one blog):

the Ulverston—ancient, crusty Wellsworth and Suddery tank. grumpy old fart, though in fact the most chill of a rather spiteful lot, who he generally keeps from being actively terrible. absolutely loyal. a dick Hufflepuff, basically. oh, he was in charge of training Edward on how to manage trucks. (Edward learned more from Skarloey and Rheneas despite them not even being on the same gauge because the Ulverston was mostly like “yeah… i’m not doing that… *waddles away*”)

Janey the Coffeepot—the “daringly shy” one among her three even shyer brothers. anxious sweetheart with a sense of humor and nerve that surprise only those who haven’t bothered to get to know her. she and Thomas were quite close. (Thomas was the protective little/big brother of all the Coffeepots. there was a reason he was “jealous”—and more!—when Toby first arrived.)

Araby—prior to WWI, he had been a new engine on his small railway’s main line, in theory “mixed traffic” but in practice mostly “preening with passengers and obsessed with football specials!” he is sent to Sodor at the beginning of 1917. his crew comes with him from home and stays with him a whole year, hinting to the fact that he’s actually a lovable vain, shallow, sharp-tongued twit… and war service forces him to grow up in a hurry

“the Single”—everyone fails to get a name *small voice* before it’s too late. but he was also one of the engines the NWR scourged up during the Great War. he’s mind-blowingly ancient but easy-going, perceptive, a great source of advice. does this sound familiar to you? yeah, Edward got at least one of his canonical ghost stories from this source. (the Single also once told an absolute mindscrew of a campfire tale. Edward has—so far—kept that one to himself. equally traumatized, Thomas memoryholed it a.s.a.p., but this one still haunts Edward when the moon is right)

Awdie (the Truck)—a particularly troublesome truck during the WWI era. He had once been an Awdry Industries wagon (hence his name, due to faded paintwork). In my universe, All Engines Are Aromantic—but Awdie isn’t an engine now, he is? Has a hopeless star-crossed crush on [Spoiler Alert].

the ’22 main line loaners—Linda, Angus, and “the hams” (Peter a.k.a. Punch and Niall a.k.a. Goonie) They actually have wonderful chemistry with N.W.R. #1-3, if I do say so myself, but due to [QLIR Spoilers] they didn’t last on Sodor. They have their own tag.

Dorothea and Penelope—the N.W.R's top-link coaches when Henry arrives. Dorothea is an absolute trip, out-of-date and at this point is held together mostly by pride, yet still the terror of most engines she works with, whom she will criticize and boss around to the point of rendering them a shivering bundle of nerves. Penelope, the more grounded of the two alpha females, knows her cousin Dorothea is a bit ridiculous but still won’t allow anyone else to cheek her off.

Samuel, Ipswich, and Lloyd (George)—These guys are my take on the Unnamed Tender Engines from TTRE. They appear in snippets and sneak “QLIR” previews in my ficlets.

Myron—Very nervous, selectively mute tank engine who works on the Brendam line starting in WWII. He’s still there when BoCo arrives and I won’t say more than that because [Spoilers].

Araby

Here are a sampling of OCs that I don’t think I've posted about on this blog:

Mesmer Line—He was the Pacific that the North Western was sent during the ’48 Engine Exchange Trials while Gordon was abroad. He’s a real-life SR Merchant Navy 4-6-2, and… a bit of a proto-Spencer in attitude. However, he’s more sympathetic in that there’s a case to be made for his complaints about the way he’s treated on Sodor. (Topham Hatt I, being cheap? There’s no way…) However, his snobbery and carping don’t exactly endear him to the others. Percy (whom, mind you, Mesmer treats like crap) does God’s work in keeping peace at the Big Station despite Mesmer positively baiting the others (who more and more often Snap Back).

Laura—Another guest engine on Sodor during the Exchange Trials. She is a Midland 8F and she’s a delight (especially in contrast to Mesmer). Eager, conscientious, helpful, curious, and optimistic to the point of foolishness… in fact, she does something rather stupid out of excitement on her last day, but by that point the rest of the engines are so charmed that they only rib her about it for about six hours or so before coming together to see her off properly! She treats Henry with great respect, her very own celebrity mentor. This attitude surprises Henry but agrees with him very much so she gets his absolute best side.

Bernice—A Nasmyth Wilson 0-6-0 (formerly of the North Straffordshire Railway—“ah, yes, the old ‘Knotty’!”) and diverted to Sodor by Stanier as a “temporary” replacement engine for Henry. After his return she “got lost en route to totally doing my best to report back to Crewe" helped work Vicarstown and served as the eastern side of the network’s utility/rescue engine. She’s a good-natured, hard-working thing, but she does crack a lot of sarcastic jokes that can rub other engines the wrong way! She never means malice, but she is impatient with the notion that she should think before she speaks… On the other rail, after the war, in a bid to not be sent away, she transformed herself into a pattern-perfect, prunes-and-prisms, butter-wouldn’t-melt-in-her-mouth paragon of politeness. The engines she worked with quickly realized that she was very boring this way and wound up caving and positively begging her to act “natural” again. Bernice hasn’t looked back since (though she has mellowed, over the decades. She’s since been shifted to one of the newer branch lines, in any case.) I get rid of most of my OCs by the 80s at latest to make way for TVS characters but I’m keeping Bernice coz there should be a lot more 0-6-0s on Sodor, dammit.

Diana—A brisk, busy beaver of a GER J15… yup, another 0-6-0! In fact she’s the one who historically set a record by being built in like nine hours flat and who ran from her photoshoot straight to her first coal trains still in her Works undercoat. Similarly, like fifty years later, she kind of… never noticed that she had ever been withdrawn? She barely ever visits the Works anyway? She was sent to an out-of-use siding once, got bored, and coached two random young vandals on how to drive her away so that they could “go and do something”? She kept knocking about west-wards doing odd jobs and briskly shaping up clueless young diesels and nimbly taking advantage of the fact that God loves an innocent idiot? In 1966, a signalman finally just diverted her over the bridge to Sodor coz, you know. Come on. Bernice and the other engines at Vicarstown promptly got her “adopted” which was easy because on paper she had already been scrapped. Way to go, BR. Way to go.

Dumpling—A trusty old brakevan, repaired so many times that he’s the Sodor exemplar of “who can even tell where this thing came from, how old it is, or who actually, hahaha, ‘owns’ it.” He got his name due to some of his warped wood giving him a “dumpy” shape… but his brakes remain absolutely clutch, and even James scrambles to get Dumpling on his trains whenever possible. (Gordon is the only engine who really sniffs and “won’t have that rotting log trailing at the end of my trains.” James will snap Dumpling questions along the lines of Can’t you do anything about your paneling/peeling paint/roof/[whatever James’s bugbear is that month]?!?… but he won’t actually leave Dumpling behind because, unlike Gordon, he is a goods engine by training, he knows all too well the importance of braking power, and he is smart enough to know that a reliable brakevan is worth its weight in gold.) Dumpling, however, complains very much if he is ever stuck in “the big yards” or “the old harbor,” and prefers to stick as close to the Brendam line as the high demand for his services will actually permit. It’s not uncommon after the second war for Edward to find an excuse to make a special trip to Tidmouth and rescue Dumpling from one of his dreaded overnight stays.

Tild—A mysterious, inscrutable, odd-looking brakevan who arrived at Wellsworth one day in 1948 with no explanation. No one has yet owned up to even being the one who brought her train in. She can tell the future, but she will not tell her backstory (which is that she used to be an engine!)

A preserved sister of Tild's

Aaand here are some OCs that I want to write about one day who don’t actually have anything to do with Sodor. They work a fairly southern depot and they are kinda LMS and also kinda LNER and also screw you, if this level of vagueness was good enough for Wilbert Awdry then it’s good enough for me!

Joscelyn—Her friends call her “Joycie” or “Joz”… which means you can call her Joscelyn, thank you. A proud, exuberant, rough-riding 2-6-0 who is totally not a Gresley K2, but only because committing to that would cause continuity issues. She is our headstrong protagonist, full of determination, loyalty… and spite. She loves her latest assignment, but a new class of engines have been allocated to her depot and she bitterly expects to be forced off her beloved flying kipper duties. Then her faithful crew unearths a secret weapon…

Skimmer—Totally not a Hull and Barnsley Railway survivor. A dispassionate charmer, he proves the perfect partner for Joscelyn, who at first was unimpressed with the notion of needing help from some pre-grouping 4-4-0 passenger engine. She thawed, though, because he proved jut as petty and proud as she was! Together they snark the night long, snigger as they twit anyone in their way, oh… and they run the fastest flyers on the whole route. Bonus: For reasons no one can understand, Skimmer is freakishly coal-efficient on lengthy journeys, keeping the bean-counters off their tenders as they continue to double-head Joscelyn’s old trains for a couple years.

Dot—A hardworking, tightly-wound 0-6-0T who is in charge of the depot’s shunting operations. She is always on the verge of a tizzy, which both the train engines and her subordinates roll their eyes at—but, if you are the one to tip her over the edge and make her cry, everyone will in fact despise you for it. She keeps the whole place from falling apart and deep down everyone knows this. Especially among the rival train engines, everybody gangster until Dot’s had enough. (I should remind you here that dear Joscelyn is a dumbass, so she has to learn this the hard way. Very lucky for her, Skimmer’s been flattering and flirting with Dot since his arrival… and poor Dot doesn't get that treatment often so he's in her graces but good.)

Delphie—An absolutely ancient and hopelessly nearsighted 2-4-0T (Beattie LSWR well tank) who should have been scrapped ages ago, but she’s been hidden away in the deepest recesses of the sheds. By now she is now a multigenerational secret among the workers, who steal away to consult her as both agony aunt and fortune teller for all their deepest troubles. Dot also applies to Delphie whenever she’s absolutely had it… but then again, Dot also frets a lot about what is to be done with her old mentor, too.

Hogan—One of the bigger new 2–6-0s who were sent to replace Joscelyn and her lot. Unlucky for him, he and his lot have more than their share of teething troubles. As they are sorted out, he is uncertain, polite, clueless, and deferential to a fault. (Joscelyn despises him for it.)

Grady—Another of the new Moguls. Joscelyn can’t be bothered, and refers to them both as “Grogan.” Grady is much more confident than his brother, and will push back against Joscelyn and Skimmer and anyone else who tries to make fun of his clan. Less admirably, he is also suspicious of any perfectly good advice…

Delphie, back when she was in *better* shape

#this does not get into human OCs because fml #but i have a Lot #ttte #thomas the tank engine #the railway series #ttte oc #original characters #chatter #ttte headcanon #long post #i've been tooling with this for three weeks now and i gotta post it before i think up a new one

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lunarastrobabe · 3 years

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Rafe Adler x Sam Drake- Deja Vu

(Fluff/little angst)

The heavy summer rain poured outside, a few cracks of thunder rumbled through the cloudy sky with multiple bolts of lightning shining through the cracks in the black curtains. Sam stared at the alarm clock that sat on his bedside table, waiting anxiously for the numbers to change. “Shit.” He mumbled to himself, rubbing his tired eyes and sitting up, his bare chest covered in cuts and bruises, including the three bullet holes on his abdomen. Grabbing his worn brown v-neck t-shirt from the edge of the bed, he slid it on and picked up his phone, if he couldn’t sleep, then coffee was the only solution.

He dragged his sluggish body down the staircase, the beige carpeted floor feeling soft against his bare feet. His thumb scrolling through multiple text messages, mostly from Nate or Sullivan asking when he was coming to visit them again. He switched on the main light as he entered the kitchen, squinting his eyes at the stinging sensation. Sighing he grabbed a clean cup and setting it under the spout.

“C’mon you stupid machine,” He grumbled, pressing multiple buttons until it made a grinding noise. “Finally!” He said, a little bit of joy in his voice, taking it by the handle and bringing the mug to his lips. Noticing his packet of cigarettes and his silver lighter near the back door, he hesitated for a moment, as he had promised his brother he would give up smoking after they left the motel in Madagascar. ‘Well, one couldn’t hurt, right?’ He thought to himself. Shrugging, he pushed open the door to the back yard, the warm summer heat mixed with the earthy smell relaxed his mind. Leaning against the door frame, he took another gulp of the coffee and put the cigarette in between his lips.

The smell of his dirty prison cell, a snoring inmate in the other bed beside the wall. Stuck in this shit hole for thirteen years, he thought he would never get out, either alive or dead. The confused yet, ecstatic feeling when the guard let him out of his cell, saying somebody was here to bail him out. Nathan was the first person who came to mind. The hot sun beaming down on the prison, looking at this place the first time he arrived here in search for the treasure, he just knew it was a bad place to be in. Sweat and blood of the inmates that were imprisoned here, seeped through every room and wall he walked through, even in his own cell. Every night, he rarely slept, all he could hear was fighting, yelling, and sometimes even singing, and not just by the inmates. The guards would whistle as they patrolled the halls.

“Hello, Samuel.” Rafe said with a smirk on his face, placing a hand on his shoulder. Sam didn’t know what to think or feel, he was unsure as to whether this was a dream or not. Was it a dream? Was it reality?

Years later, he and Rafe had grown close, closer everyday, even when working with his irritating ass, Sam still saw the good in him. A few times they had nights together where Sam had made him his own. Nights where they would just hold each other for hours. Those moments he thought about everyday since Rafe’s death, he missed him, more so than he ever thought he would, even after the betrayal when Nate had found out the truth.

He smiled to himself remembering the past, but soon turned into a frown and lit the cigarette, taking a long, puff. He looked ahead of him, into the darkness, his eyes flickering from the little garden lights to the stars in the sky. Still, he felt alone, he felt as though his destiny was unfulfilled. He thought Avery’s Treasure was his true destiny.

Few minutes later, there was a knock on the door, Sam jumped a little at the sound, the half lit cigarette falling out of his mouth and onto the wet grass below. He groaned. “And that was my last one. Goddammit.” He said to himself. walked back inside, closing the door behind him and placed the mug in the sink. Running his fingers through his hair he made his way to the front door, grabbing his pistol that sat under the doormat. He leaned against the door before swinging it open, only to be unprepared for who was standing in front of him.

The flashbacks. The pain. The heartache. Sam knew that all too well. He hid it from everyone. He thought that finding Avery's treasure would make him feel, satisfied. Hoping it would fill that deep hole that plagued his heart. The survivors guilt he had dealt with every single day since their last encounter, he had never expected to see that particular face again standing in the middle of his living-room at three in the morning. All their history flashed before his eyes, he felt as though he was being crushed by thousands of bricks, just piling on top of him. In his mind, it was a hell he couldn’t escape from.

"Samuel." Rafe said, taking a step forward, pursing his lips slightly and looking at the ground before his eyes connected with Sam. His hair slicked back as it always was, every little strand perfectly sculpted into place, along with dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep.

The anger built up inside his chest, "You son of a-," Sam threw a fist at him, his beaten and bruised knuckles coming into contact with Rafe's jaw. The memory of nearly getting killed on that ship burned through his mind. His fists unclenched, feeling as though the physical contact calmed his anger. He sighed, watching the man hold his cheek in his hand, trying to ignore the searing pain.

"I thought you had died back on that goddamn ship!" He yelled, pained and bewildered. He glanced over at him as he rubbed his sore knuckles, so many questions circling his head, wondering how he escaped, noticing the scars from his recent wounds, and why he had suddenly come back. The stabbing feeling in his heart was unbearable. Rafe stared at him, his eyebrows relaxed and the guilt of abandoning him was overpowering.

“Samuel, I-,” But before he could explain, Sam cut him off.

“No you can’t be here, there’s no fucking way.” He tried to turn himself away and choke back the tears already forming in his eyes. He refused to be let down again, he didn’t want more heartbreak.

“Hey! Look at me,” The soothing tone in Rafe’s voice calmed him down. He relaxed, controlling his breathing. He took Sam’s face in his hands, caressing his cheek with his thumb. “It’s me. I’m here. I’m alive.” It took a few seconds longer to realise his mind wasn’t playing tricks on him and that he had emerged from the dead and back into his life. His eyebrows furrowed, looking at the man he had fell in love with, all those years ago. His chest tightened at his touch, the butterflies in his stomach returned after the prolonged absence.

They sat together on the couch, discussing for hours about the traumatic events that had occurred both apologising to each other for everything that had happened and all the lies that were told.

It was now seven thirty in the morning, feeling the sleep deprivation kicking in, Rafe laid down on his back and opened his arms for Sam, all he wanted to do was hold him and comfort him after being without him for so long.

“C’mere.” He whispered. Sam moved closer and wrapped his arms around Rafe’s waist, laying in between his legs, resting his head on his chest. He listened to his heartbeat, that thumping sound that he never forgot. He breathed in his scent and felt his heart strings being pulled.

“I missed you.” Rafe mumbled, pressing a light kiss to his head, running his fingers through his hair.

“I missed you too.” Sam replied. But there was one more thing he wanted to do. He sat up slightly, and looked into his eyes again. Nothing could compare to the connection they had together. Rafe’s fingertips ran up and down Sam’s side, he always had the most gentle touch when he was with him.

Sam leaned in slowly, his left hand holding Rafe’s cheek, their lips parting slightly before joining together, holding onto each other, worried that if they let go, they would disappear.

Although Sam felt like there was more to explore out in the world, he knew having Rafe back in his arms once again, could be the start of a new adventure.

#rafe adler #sam drake #samuel drake #uncharted #uncharted 4 #uncharted a thief's end #uncharted 4: a thief’s end #a thief's end #sam x rafe #rafe x sam #sam/rafe #rafe/sam

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ghostmartyr · 4 years

Text

SnK 133 Thoughts

They’re trying to stop the apocalypse but they’re dummy traumatized and the clap of their sins keeps alerting the glow tree.

Kids, just remember: Body count doesn’t matter, it’s how you feel while producing that body count. If you’ve killed people to stop genocide, you are not immune to being party to genocide. ⭑⭒⋆

I’m being reductive because I’m not too eager to go over how not all murder is created equal again.

Going by a good faith read, I do think what the narrative is attempting to establish is that these characters all know what it’s like to be backed into a corner and do desperate things they’re horrified by.

Putting aside the extra psychological difficulties of his childhood preceding the choice to knock down the wall, Reiner believes he’s saving humanity. There’s an island full of devils, and he’s attacking them. He, Bertolt, and Annie are dumb kids who do what they’re told. Because they think it’s right, or because they want to go home, or just because they are dumb kids.

Armin’s killed plenty of people with the power of the Colossus. He can’t plead innocence; he attacks Liberio’s port intentionally, knowing exactly what terror the people on the ground will be going through.

Connie kills the friends he’s trained with for years, when the worst thing about Reiner and Bertolt revealing themselves is feeling betrayed by comrades he loves.

None of this is directly equivalent. Dumb children at war are trying their best. Always, this conflict has been orchestrated above their pay grade. RAB get abandoned behind enemy lines and are told to make the best of it. Armin destroys Marley’s port because Marley will not stop going after Paradis, and Eren has forced a renewed conflict that they need to move against fast. Connie betrays his friends because they’re okay with letting the rest of the world die.

No one on this ship has enjoyed any of this. They have consistently been doing their best with the information given to them while people with more power drag them into fights that never should have happened.

Shiganshina falls because Marley chooses to murder Paradis.

Liberio falls because Eren turns himself into Paradis’ only hope and puts himself into a situation he can’t win alone.

In the crudest way of putting it, these people are grunts. They’re not the ones who picked the game being played. They’re the ones being manipulated into war after war.

That’s why they look at each other without counting the bodies. It isn’t the scale of their actions that hits at this moment, it’s the decisions they’ve made to be part of it. They choose to keep fighting. When it creates an outcome they hate, what can they say? ‘Look what you made me do’?

Whatever their reasons, and whoever set up the board, they are the ones who participate. In this case, pure moral imperative is the driving force. Daz and Samuel die because they’re willing to let genocide go uncontested. That’s on them.

Guilt doesn’t work like that, though. Daz and Samuel die because they are killed. Connie kills them. He betrays their trust.

All of this is to say that the people on the ship truly do understand each other perfectly, even despite the difference in scale. It’s a bit on the nose, but I don’t think anything they’re going through is at odds with the people they are.

Applying that feeling to Eren is a feat of misguided grace that... hell, I don’t know.

As a human person, I like grace as a concept and want more of it. I don’t want the world to burn, I want the burning to stop, and for everyone to be okay in the end even if they don’t deserve it. A world where we all get precisely what we deserve seems an incredibly dark place to me. That doesn’t leave room for mercy or kindness. You get what you earn, and nothing more.

The more time we spend on this portion of the story, the more I’m inclined to think that the themes agree with me. Our heroes at this point aren’t full of the rage they’re entitled to. Every inch of them is tired, and they’re not here for more death. They’re willing to keep going, but even the thought of killing Eren, when he’s massacred thousands, makes them all hesitate.

Everyone wants to go home and have the fighting stop.

That’s all.

Whatever happened, and whose fault it is -- forget all of it, just give them a place to rest and have it be over.

Thematically, yay. I approve. Beautiful. We start out with a series that makes a name for itself almost entirely on the back of the spectacle of violence, and after years of participating in that violence, the main cast wants nothing to do with it anymore. Love it.

Within the plot, I am not in the mood to have Eren’s traumatized friends apologize for not understanding him.

I get it.

I get why they all feel this way.

I do not like reading it.

They’re projecting their own guilt on someone who has shown a reckless disregard for their lives and sanity.

They’re trying to reach Eren as a human being and friend when he’s done his absolute best to make himself unreachable.

That’s sort of the point Reiner thinks is being made. Eren has intentionally set them up as his adversary so that if he has to be doing all of this, maybe there’s still a chance someone can stop him.

Okay, fine.

It falls short for the same reason all of Eren’s stuff is falling short.

We don’t actually know what the fuck is going on with him. We’re guessing.

You know those picture puzzles you do as a kid? Draw a line from bubble 1 to bubble 2 to bubble 3, and eventually you will make a bunny. Or a dog, or flowers, or something that looks like a picture in the sloppy mess of numbers.

Eren’s general portrayal matches that of a toddler who doesn’t yet know his numbers, and understands the instructions to be that he’s trying to get to the last bubble by scribbling lines through all the other bubbles.

Look, it’s a bunny.

And Eren’s friends are all like, oh wow, that’s such a good job! We’re going to put it on the fridge!

Then people come over and are like, why is there a constellation of a deer jumping through a house on the fridge, but they hear the child did it and immediately are like, oh yeah, that’s the best bunny I’ve ever seen, I can’t draw like that.

The child, being a child, is like, ‘Damn right. I’m going to be in bunny museums.’

Meanwhile, I’m just going to come out and say it.

It’s not a fucking bunny.

What it is, I don’t know, but it is not a bunny, stop calling it a bunny, it is actively erasing the knowledge of what a bunny looks like in my mind.

So ends this skit on what Eren’s portrayal has been like.

Eren has decided that this is all necessary. He doesn’t like it, and wants someone to stop him, but he is totally going to do it, and he knows he’s going to do it because future vision told him so and he’s really sad about that even though he’s emotionally in a place where genocide sounds like the only way out but that is wrong.

I think I’ve said before that Eren getting to this place mentally isn’t too off the rails. His sanity has been deteriorating with each mission, and he’s nineteen. Snapping like this could arguably be expected.

But the last we see of Eren’s thoughts, we still have this back and forth of how he refuses to yield the future to fate, but he already feels condemned by that future because he chooses to cause it.

Eren is clearly trapped by this web of contradictions, but his motivational core is so obstructed that it’s hard to actually connect to. It is easier to say that Eren’s gone off the deep end than it is to spend any amount of time asking how Point A became Point 3.

That’s frustrating, as a reader. I don’t want to be told a story, I want to experience it.

Eren’s experiences are not universal.

I need some hand-holding here. There needs to be a few more clear indications of Eren The Person, and how the individual we know wrapped around to making these choices.

Hooray, he’s not taking away their powers.

The guy he let run his cult still nearly killed all of them.

Hooray, he’s protecting his island.

He just actively courted an international incident so everyone wants the island dead.

Yes, Eren thinks that hope is lost before he makes these choices. That’s how moving forward drags him to this place; he doesn’t have the vision to imagine a world where this isn’t happening.

If you don’t fight, you can’t win, and Eren’s still fighting. But he’s forgotten what winning looks like. All he knows is the dreary march forward.

I would like for that to be explicit, not me extrapolating. Because even as I’m typing all of that, and feeling like it makes sense, it has the confidence of tissue paper, and I know my numbers, but half the numbers making this bunny were missing, and I’m not an artist.

The story I’m digging around here for is one I could like, but I don’t trust that it’s actually the one being told, because too much feels unexplained and weird. You can’t just make your main character nuts and use that as an excuse for anything.

Well, okay, you can.

You shouldn’t.

Please don’t do that.

Which I guess leads us to Eren and OG Ymir doing a Shining twins thing.

Here is my wild speculation.

The Attack Titan is the only Titan capable of resisting the Founder. It cannot be controlled, it simply continues forward, fighting for freedom.

When Eren talks to Ymir, her eyes losing their shadows are the cue for him taking full control of the Founder.

Now we’re back here, and her eyes are shadowed again, with Eren’s joining the ride.

I think that where we’re going to end up is that Eren’s mental fragility made him incredibly susceptible to the Attack Titan’s core nature, and enough of that nature aligned with Eren’s that everything except pursuing a way forward fell away. The Attack Titan is Ymir’s furious will, and she’s had it suppressed for 2000 years. I don’t think either one is emotionally capable of surfacing and deciding to resist the urge to march forward and destroy this world that has cursed them so.

Making my theory that yeah, okay, Eren’s lost it, but he lost it with the help of ancient plot magic, which we are now seeing the full extent of.

Does that have any basis in anything?

Who the fuck knows.

But one thing is very clear: Eren’s not free.

“In order to gain my own freedom... I will take freedom away from the world. [...] You are all free.”

The Attack Titan “has always moved ahead, seeking freedom. It has fought on for freedom.”

Eren, embodiment of the Attack Titan, is the first one to hear Ymir in 2000 years. Going with the vaguely logical theory that Titans are all pieces of Ymir herself, the Attack Titan is the part that rebels against every indignity she bows to in life.

Zeke frees the Founder from its promise of peace. Eren frees Ymir from the chains tying her to the royal family’s will.

All that’s left is 2000 years of trauma, and the ability and will, for the first time, to lash out.

It’s not what you’d call surprising.

It’s the getting here that I take issue with. Now that we’re here, yeah, got it. But I really don’t feel like Eren’s journey here has been done well enough to capture the emotional rawness that is trying to be accessed. His friends are shouting for someone who is effectively dead, for all the presence he’s showing.

Then you’ve got Annie and Kiyomi sad.

ON A BOAT.

While Falco wants to be a Titan with WIIIIIIIIIIINGS.

Kiddos, you’re very cute, and I support you not wanting to sit still and do nothing while the world is ending, but I can’t begin to express how little I care.

Except that your families are alive and you two and Annie deserve to be reunited.

SO FINE, OKAY, FALCO CAN HAVE HIS WINGS AND SAY HI TO HIS PARENTS AND GABI CAN SAY HI TO HER PARENTS AND ANNIE CAN SAY HI TO HER DAD AND IT’LL ALL BE FINE DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WE’RE GOING TO DO ABOUT EREN?

BECAUSE YEAH, I’M SURE THE AIRSHIPS ARE JUST GOING TO SPLODE HIM AND END ALL OF THIS AND EVERYONE WILL HOLD HANDS AND SING SONGS THAT THE EVIL HAS BEEN DEFEATED AND THAT WILL BE THE END OF IT.

Conversation: FAILED

Attack: probably FAILED

GO AHEAD, MANGA. SHOW ME THE DEUS EX MACHINA. I’M NOT GOING TO LIKE IT, BUT I AM PREPARED FOR IT.

inb4 yeah they just are going to bomb Eren with Armin that’s how we end this.

133 status: Still Looking For A Win Condition (This Ain’t It Chief)

#Shingeki no Kyojin #SnK 133 #shingeki no spoilers #SnK spoilers #Survey Corps #tl;dr #chapter post

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degrassi-fanatic · 3 years

Note

Hey babie,would you like to write some hotchreid fic about "choose reid over haley",like after hotch divorce,he always deny his feelings about reid,but when some unsub mentions about "the one you most care about is in danger ",he try to save reid but the one exactly in danger is haley.And after these there will be hurt/comfort thing and happy ending...I don’t know if I’m asking too much ,just wanna say I enjoy your hotchreid fics so much.Anyway wish you have a good day!!Love you!!

thank you for sending an ask !!! ily

i changed up the prompt a bit because i personally do think, even as a hotchreid shipper, that hotch cared a lot about haley and loved her till the end. so i replaced haley in this prompt with kate joyner instead

hope you like it !!

Having just returned from their latest crime scene, Hotch wracks his brain around for any theories on their latest unsub as he steps out of the driver’s side of the SUV.

The BAU team had been sent out to the FBI Office in New York at the request of Agent Kate Joyner to assist with a case involving the abduction and subsequent murder of federal agents. Their unsub somehow managed to pluck highly intelligent and capable agents off the street and lure them away to a secondary location where he would riddle them with bullets, only to bring their corpses back to the city and leave them strung up in areas with high foot traffic; all without being seen.

It was no surprise that Kate had decided to amass as many resources as possible, she had even created an FBI-NYPD task force. This case was going nowhere and their volume of victims was only increasing as time went on.

He knows he’s not the only one desperately hoping that they’ll get any sort of lead soon.

As Hotch makes his way towards the glass doors of the New York FBI office, he feels his cellphone vibrate in the pocket of his suit jacket. Without looking at the caller ID, he assumes it’s one of his team members and accepts the call.

Before he can greet whoever it is on the other line, a gravelly voice begins speaking, one he does not recognize.

“Agent Hotchner.” the unknown man says.

“Yes, who is this?”

“Oh, me?” he asks flippantly, “Who I am doesn’t matter right now. It’s what I have, or rather who I have.”

In the middle of the sidewalk just outside the office, Hotch stops in his tracks; ignoring all the passive aggressive looks sent his way as people wade around him and the occasional shove against his shoulder.

“Excuse me?”

“Did you really think you could come after me and not suffer the consequences?” the man sneers through the phone, “You’re going to regret coming to New York.”

“Who do you have?” he asks, not caring for any of the vague threats the man was sending his way.

“The one you care for the most.”

His stomach drops and immediately, Hotch tries to remember the last time he called Reid, the last time he saw him, and for some reason both instances seem so long ago that he wonders if Reid hasn’t already been shot yet.

“Goodbye, Agent Hotchner.” the man says.

And with that, he hangs up and the call ends.

For a moment, his feet stay planted where they are against the pavement and he cannot move.

Then, it feels as though someone has dragged his head under freezing water and he begins racing into the office; darting past everyone as he makes his way towards the board room where they had been instructed to use as their home base.

As he makes it to the door, his eyes survey the room frantically as he checks to see if anyone else is missing; Rossi is arguing with Prentiss over something trivial, JJ is flipping through case files with Morgan, Garcia has her laptop opened in front of her and is typing away, and…

Reid.

Reid is there, staring at the crime scene board as he pushes his thumb between his lips in deep thought.

“Spencer!” he calls out as he rushes over to him, garnering the attention of everyone in the room.

He watches Reid twist around to look at him, a confused expression spreading across the features of his face. The only expression only grows as Hotch rushes over to him, dragging him into a tight hug. It’s a tad bit awkward at first as Reid’s arms are squished between their chests and his whole body has grown stiff but he cannot bring himself to care about that because he has Reid warm and alive in his arms.

It only gets better once Reid retracts his arms from between them to wrap around Hotch’s back as he returns the embrace.

Reid was okay, he realizes as he pushes his face into Reid’s hair, ignoring the tickling sensation caused by his tousled tufts.

He was fine.

“I thought you were… Thank God that you’re alright.” he says breathlessly as he pulls away, “But, the unsub, he said on the phone that—”

Wait, if Reid wasn’t the one the unsub had abducted, then who was? It couldn’t have been anyone from his team since they were all here and accounted for. Perhaps, the man had gotten a hold of the wrong agent’s phone number or maybe he had simply…

Oh no, Hotch thinks as dread pools somewhere deep inside of him.

“Where’s Kate?”

“We thought she was with you.”

It had taken them a couple of gruelling hours but eventually they had managed to figure out where their unsub, who they discovered to be thirty-three year old Peter Samuels, was holding Kate captive. Although Samuels was clearly a man with an above average level of intelligence, he was clearly lacking when it came to fighting and was overpowered by Prentiss and Morgan within minutes.

In the end, Kate was alright. A bit bruised and a little worse for wear than Hotch would have preferred but she was alive and that’s what mattered. He was still rather reluctant leaving her so soon after such a traumatic event and would have stayed in New York for a bit longer but Kate had all but shooed him off, stating that she didn’t need him coddling her for her entire leave.

Now, the team is back on board the jet and well on their way back home. It’s dark outside the windows and the cabin lights have been dimmed. The team, with the exception of Reid and Hotch, are fast asleep in their own seats; the exhaustion of the last couple of days finally catching up to them.

Hotch fishes his cellphone out of his pocket and pulls up Kate’s contact information; she never explicitly stated if texting was considered coddling.

“Is Agent Joyner going to be alright?” Reid whispers from beside him, in an effort to not wake the others.

“Yeah,” he answers as he finishes sending a message, “It’s going to take some time but she’ll recover.”

“That’s good.” Reid murmurs.

Hotch makes a soft noise in agreement as he tucks in his cellphone back into his pocket. Shifting around in his seat as quietly as he can, he attempts to get into a comfortable position so he too can rest up before they land; he ends up sinking into his chair with his arms folded across his chest, his eyes closed.

“Can I ask you a question?” Reid pipes up again.

“Sure.” he mumbles back.

“Why did you think I was the one Samuels took?”

For a brief moment, Hotch considers feigning sleep but, then Reid is gently shaking his arm to gather his attention once more.

“Hotch?” he whispers, “Aaron?”

“It’s something he said on the phone.” he admits quietly, “He said he took the one I cared for the most.”

“Oh.”

The hand on his bicep falls away and the absence of it feels like a gaping wound.

Right away, Hotch is opening his eyes and sitting up right.

“I’m sorry.” he says frantically, “I know this is inappropriate and you’re probably uncomfortable—”

Oh God, why did Hotch say that? Maybe he could blame it on a lack of sleep? Or he could say he misspoke somehow?

“No, wait, listen—”

He wouldn’t fault Reid if he wanted to file a complaint against him for inappropriate advances or some other form of misconduct. Any formal punishment was far better than the torture he would endure if the rest of the team learned that he was preying on their youngest member.

“I completely understand if you want to file a complaint—”

“Hotch, that’s the last thing—”

Now, Reid will most likely want to transfer out of the BAU. Who wouldn’t after learning their boss had more-than platonic feelings for them? No, he couldn’t do that to Reid. He knows how much the BAU means to the other man; he’ll be the one to leave.

“It probably disturbs you to be on the receiving end of my feelings.” Hotch says “I know I’m old and I’m not enjoyable to be around and that I come with far too much—”

Before he can get another word out, he feels a pair of hands fly to both sides of Hotch’s face, followed by a pair of lips slotting between his own.

It takes a second for his brain and body to realize what’s going on but, once he does, he reels Reid in closer; practically pulling the other man into his lap.

Far too soon for his liking, however, Reid pulls his mouth away.

“Hmm?” Hotch hums questioningly, his eyes still closed.

“I care for you too.” Reid whispers.

“That’s nice.”

“That’s all you have to say?” he questions, his breath fanning out over Hotch’s mouth.

“Sorry, my brain is coming back online.”

Hotch hears him let out a soft laugh and that alone is incentive enough to finally open his eyes again. He’s greeted by the sight of Reid smiling in the feeble lighting of the cabin, his lips glistening with spit and a faint flush across his cheeks that is almost undetectable with how dark it is.

“Well, when it does,” Reid says fondly, “Tell it to ask me out on a date.”

“Will do.”

#criminal minds #~ask~#~fic~#hotchreid

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katsidhe · 3 years

Note

Thoughts on 12x06, Celebrating the Life of Asa Fox?

12.06 Final Thoughts

My consistent thought while re-watching this episode was, “wow, I wish Mary were younger.”

It’s something I think about a lot re. Mary in general. She was twenty-nine years old when she died, and twenty-nine when she was reborn. Sam is about 34, Dean about 38, plus all their time in hell, plus the weight of supernatural trials she can’t imagine. And I wish that she looked young, younger than her sons are, because she is their peer or really their junior, despite the role Dean wants for her. And that’s what this episode is about: her dealing with the fact that a little boy she saved three years ago has grown up and died in her absence, while she stayed preserved. Jody and Asa’s mother are both taken aback by her youth, and I wish it was more undeniable in other episodes.

Hunting as a prescriptive concept versus as a lifestyle and community: it’s always funny to me when, as it is with Asa, Dean’s mode of hunting is styled as The Archetypal Hunter Lifestyle. Right down to the over-attachment to a car. But we know that John was actually a lone wolf outcast from communities like the one in this episode, and that’s been largely true of Sam and Dean too.

Mary, in contrast, is very familiar with these community elements because she was raised in them. It seems to me that Mary’s sense of disconnection leading to her draw to hunting is in a sense a draw to this community. She wants a cause, and she wants something she can rely on, and hunting has always been something quantifiable to her, if dangerous. She knows these people even though she’s never met them--she knows them in a way she doesn’t know Sam or Dean.

There is something actually very precious about Dean’s swagger, how he honestly enjoys getting to exaggerate and boast about his small-time exploits instead of his large. (Though tbh I would have been tickled to hear him start talking about, eg, ~that time I killed Death~. I think he could get into it. purgatory! apocalypse! being a demon! traumatizing? yes. totally metal? also yes.)

Sam otoh does Not want to talk about anything. Part of this is his usual reticence, blown up to eleven around people who actually know his name and potentially some true things about him--plus there’s the extremely reasonable fear that some of these people might be harboring grudges. You can see it, when Elvis first confirms his name, that Sam isn’t sure if he’s going to have to fight or run.

Sam’s face just FALLS, crumples like paper, when Elvis asks him about Lucifer. “It is what it is.” What it is is I LOVE IT.

And Max and Alicia Banes to the rescue <3 I do love these two. It’s both reassuring that they’re included here, despite the stigma against magic practitioners in hunting communities, and telling that they hastily clarify “good witches, who kill bad witches.” Like, uhh, glad that’s settled, then.

Mary gets saddled with YET MORE utterly unfair blame and expectation here, by Asa’s grieving mother. She’s trying to get used to a world that she changed having moved on, butterfly effect, from the tiniest things she’s done. She’s faced with the burden of her legacy being used in ways she didn’t know about and didn’t want: by Asa, by John, by Dean. (Samuel did it too, even though she doesn’t now about that. Lol)

Sam is pushed into being the middleman here: he’s trying to be understanding and communicative to both Mary and Dean. He’s making excuses for both of them, both to each other and to Jody. And he’s trying to understand both of them in turn, and sort out his own draw to hunting, and his relative equanimity. It’s surprisingly peaceful.

During the demon possession debacle all I could think was “SPN Among Us.” [Also LOLLL at demons killing people on ceilings while Sam and Mary are in the house.] But seriously, this was a great reminder of how much chaos and pain one well-placed low-level demon can cause, and how different Sam and Dean’s pay grades have gotten.

Not sure why Billie showed up? Because she gained nothing. But yay Billie.

I love Sam and Jody’s hug after she’s possessed. It’s just, really really sweet, full of history.

Contrast that with Jody talking to both Dean and Mary separately about their clear Issues. It’s quieter, and it’s got a sort of faith that Sam doesn’t need a speech about this stuff. (I still would have liked them to have a convo tho.)

#12.06 #sam and mary #dean and mary #sam and possession #final thoughts #thanks for the ask!#sorry it took 3 months lmao

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zerobotic · 3 years

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Well, you asked for it and you can’t say I didn’t warn you :3

First off, the usual disclaimer that I did enjoy DH2. I thought it had some very interesting level design ideas with the clockwork mansion and crack in the slab, the new powers were very cool and fun to use, and it polished some of the rough edges from the first game’s mechanics. It’s just the story and such that disappointed me after how much I loved the first game.

So to start off here’s some of the things I found disappointing or frustrating (and keep in mind these are all just my personal feelings on the games):

“Spoiled rich person learns a lesson from poverty tourism” is a plot that gets on my nerves in general and that’s more or less what happened here with Emily’s story

Like, not to disagree with an anti-rich-people story but the first one did a much more poignant job of highlighting greed and corruption and letting you be the one actually fighting it, rather than putting you in the position of perpetuating it. It felt like the first game showed it, while the second game just preached about it.

Boy this sure did feel out of character for both Corvo and Emily. Emily watched her mother be murdered at ten years old for the sake of political power, and then was held hostage for six months while being told her father was executed for her mother’s death. She got a firsthand view of how much the people of the empire were suffering during this time, and then when she finally got rescued she was immediately kidnapped and used as a pawn again by yet more schemers after her mother’s throne. You cannot tell me that’s a person who would grow up to be spoiled and carefree and complacent with their position, or someone who wouldn’t give a shit about their people. Yes, I know that she was a headstrong, rebellious kid with an adventurous streak, and I’m not trying to claim she wouldn’t probably still prefer, on some level or another, to escape to the rooftops with a sword rather than being stuck in court. I’m just saying that kids grow up and change and whoever wrote the second game seems to be stuck on taking ten-year-old Emily at face value for her adult self’s personality too, instead of considering how the first game’s events might have actually influenced her. She’s got more than enough firsthand experience to know to be wary of scheming nobles. (Also I definitely got the feeling, playing the first game, that at least a bit of how Emily behaved at the Hound Pits was her trying to cope with what was happening.) You also can’t tell me that Corvo, father and royal protector of the current empress, man with the most reason and justification to be paranoid out of everyone in the whole damn empire after everything he’s been through, would be so negligent in paying attention to a coup that the first mission claims pretty much everyone in Dunwall knew was happening.

Building off of that, in general it felt like the first game wasn’t allowed to have much of an impact. It pays lipservice to Jessamine’s death, and acknowledges Corvo having been a badass back then, but that’s....about it? Like I said in the other post, the first game felt so saturated in grief, both for Jessamine and for everything else going on in Dunwall, that it really influenced the overall tone of the game. The second one kinda feels like the first one never happened, or at least didn’t have any lasting influence on the characters or world, and it’s kind of jarring going from one to the other.

So with all that said, here’s my idea for a different DH2. Still using Karnaca as the setting and Delilah as the primary antagonist, just...different.

"Delilah wants to use a reality-altering painting to change the world into her vision of it” is still a plot point. Except, instead of the end of the game, it’s the beginning. It’s a logical extension of her actions and powers during the Daud DLC - the plan to use Emily’s painting to take over almost worked til it was stopped, so there’s clearly potential there. She’ll just think bigger, more direct this time.

The game starts on a ship. Emily and Corvo are en route to Karnaca for some sort of diplomatic mission. We get to know them a little bit during this opening trip: Emily isn’t an absent, complacent ruler, she's a young woman who inherited a difficult throne as a child, after a series of traumatic events, and now she's trying hard to live up to her mother's legacy and prove herself worthy to an empire that still seems to only see her as the child she was during the interregnum. She’s doing her best, but she’s insecure about all of that, and spends a lot of time frustrated with the back and forth scheming of the nobles, trying to please everyone instead of putting her foot down and getting things done. Corvo is trying to keep her safe where he failed Jessamine, but court still isn’t his preferred arena either.

The night before they’re due to arrive in Karnaca, we start getting hints that something is...off. Strange dreams, maybe?

They land in Karnaca and things are different than expected. But they don’t get time to look around, because there's guards there to arrest them, claiming they’re wanted criminals. They’ve got music boxes or something that can strip Corvo of his powers, and only one of them gets away while the other is taken. The one that gets away is stuck alone, disoriented, and hunted in an unfamiliar city - even if you play as Corvo, things are different than he remembers. More different than can be explained by just time.

They meet Meagan Foster. She takes them to meet a group of ex-whalers (the player character doesn’t know who they are). They’re a group that got back in touch with each other in Karnaca after Daud left and the whalers split, and they still do shady shit, but these days it’s generally more smuggling type stuff and they’ve put down the assassin blades. They’re the equivalent of the loyalist home base in this game. Meagan is still the Samuel stand-in, taking the player places and narrating things as necessary.

Information is shared and the player finds out that somehow, the world is changed from what they remember. Delilah is the empress, here, come by it what seemed like legitimately at some point in the 15 years between Jessamine’s death and now, and Emily and Corvo are wanted criminals. No one seems aware of the change except for the player and the whalers (who only remember it because of their experience with magic, though the player character doesn’t learn that til much later).

Clearly it’s Delilah who did something, because she has magic, and she’s the one on the throne now.

The Outsider shows up in their dreams that first night in the new world, but something is clearly wrong in the void, too, and it seems like he’s barely capable of reaching out and communicating with them. He offers the mark, but disappears before really getting a chance to explain anything.

The player goes through the game now with the goal of finding out what happened, how it happened, and how it can be fixed. DH2 and DOTO explained a lot more than I felt they should’ve, at times, and I preferred how the first game balanced worldbuilding with mystery. So, let things be explored and figured out along the way.

Things are real bad in this universe. From Emily's perspective as she goes through the game, we get commentary questioning whether or not she was doing a good job, and comparing it to how things are in Delilah's world. There’s lots of corruption and poverty and people suffering, and the question "is this just Delilah's world? How much of this going on in mine too? In trying to navigate court instead of putting my foot down, was I failing my people in the end after all? Would it have been better if my mother was still the empress?" The difference between this and what DH2 did is that she was trying, there was just a lot hindering her, including her own doubts. In this one, those questions aren’t preaching, they’re a sign that she does care and is pained by the idea of her people suffering like this again, by the mere possibility that it might not be just Delilah’s world.

Corvo and Emily have distinct perspectives, not just the same lines very slightly altered.

The bloodfly infestations are either 1) a natural thing that wasnt supposed to turn ugly like this and has been affected by Delilah’s magic, or 2) wholly the product of unnatural magic. None of this "we need them and they’re always like this, just not this bad" stuff. if you're gonna repeat the plague motif, make it actually horrifying, like the rat plague was. In fact, there’s obvious magic influence here and there in general - maybe not quite as thorough as at Brigmore Manor, but it’s present enough to give you the creeping feeling that things aren’t right, here, visual confirmation of Delilah’s influence, that things have been changed and twisted from their normal state of things. Hell, maybe this is where the hollows from DOTO come in, the original world and Delilah’s altered version of it trying to bleed through each other in some spaces. Maybe that’s a different explanation for the crack in the slab mission, even.

Actually, if you’re gonna repeat the plague motif, lean into the similarities between the rat plague era and now. Have them be reminded here and there by things they see, recount what happened and how terrible it was, compare it to now. Give NPCs lines about the comparison and how some of them left Dunwall only to be stuck living through something like this a second time. Let the first game have happened and had an impact, folks, cmon.

On a similar note, if you’re gonna keep Delilah's backstory the same when we finally learn it, let Emily and Corvo get mad about it. They lived through the first game - what right does Delilah have to talk like she's got a monopoly on suffering and that's why she should have the throne?

Delilah's mistake was assuming Emily was a sheltered child who wouldn’t come for her, rather than someone who's already been through a lot and come out on top. That was almost a satisfying thing about the second game but they messed up the execution of the whole concept and I want it to actually pay off.

I’m not sure if the targets in this one should be the same or how much should change there. Honestly, except for Breanna, the targets in DH2 felt a lot less relevant to what was going on than the DH1 targets did, like...why are half these people even at this ritual? But for simplicity’s sake let’s keep it as close as we can, while also adjusting for the fact that this reality has been tailor-made for Delilah and her buddies. Perhaps the Duke is only the Duke here because things were rewritten to put one of Delilah’s allies in charge, and it was supposed to still be his father. Hypatia isn’t the crown killer (what even was that plot point honestly), she’s the doctor they found to help Delilah recover after her time in the void, and now they’ve rewritten things to imprison her in the institute to keep her quiet and out of the way, and you get wind of it and go to see what she knows. Etc. Is Sokolov involved in this version of things? I dunno! But speaking of Sokolov I want some sort of explanation for where the other surviving loyalists are, damnit.

Delilah did something in and to the void, just like in canon, but it actually has a visible impact here (beyond just a total aesthetic redesign of the void between games that never gets commented on). The void is struggling under her influence when you find shrines, and you never know what you're gonna find at one of them, or what the Outsider is gonna be like, if he even shows up. Honestly, I’m not a huge fan of the way DH2 gave him a human backstory, because I liked the mystery there behind what he was and what the void was, but this is open to go either way, either with Delilah finding his death site like in canon, or some other way she found to influence it. I’m not sure how the progression would go of how the void changes over the course of the game, but it would be cool to get to help/save the Outsider in some kinda way.

Finding Corvo's childhood home should have more impact. Let it be like when you find the saferoom in Dunwall tower, in the first game. A temporary refuge in a dangerous place, full of obvious memory and grief - not so much for the time spent here since that's so long in the past, but for all that's been lost, everything they've been through and are in the middle of going through. Especially if you're playing Emily - this is the home of the father she just lost.

Let the heart be vague and ominous again, and let our interactions with it be sad, especially as Emily! I’m still messed up about the first time I heard "the doom of Pandyssia has come to the city" in DH1, and the lines about the floodwaters and the plague victims, give me stuff like that! Especially in a world that isn’t meant to exist the way it currently is, where things have been twisted almost beyond recognition. And give me lines that remind Emily of the mother she lost and how this is the first time she's heard her voice since she was a child!

Give us more on citizens and how they're suffering in this world, the way the first game showed us plague victims who died in each other's arms, journals from the desperate and dying, living people sent to the flooded district. Let it be a reminder to Emily why it's worth it, why she has to change the world back and what she wants to be fighting for when she gets her throne back. Another reason to question - has she been doing all she can? (Alternatively, a source of righteous fury for high chaos Emily.)

This is a journey of self discovery for Emily, either low or high chaos. It's about realizing she hasn’t been doing all she could, despite her intentions, because she's been trying to please everyone and in the end it still wasn’t good enough. She needs to stop living under her mother's shadow and come into her own (and the heart plays a role in this epiphany, probably. This might actually come to a head when she has to let her mother's spirit go, if we're gonna keep that plot point.)

High chaos Emily is similar but in a more "alright no more nice empress" kinda way whereas low chaos is more about conviction to put her foot down to do what's right.

You meet people during the game who in a good ending become part of her new council. Common people, who are more in touch with what needs to be done. It pisses nobles off but she's determined to do better, after everything. It helps both her and Corvo come to terms with the whole safety thing, because you can't ever make sure you're totally safe but you can try to make sure the empire can keep going should something happen to its ruler.

In fact, part of Corvo's perspective on this game probably would involve him still wanting to keep Emily out of things for safety's sake, and wondering if sheltering her from knowledge of magic and such contributed to this situation.

When it's revealed who the whalers are, it's late in the game after we've already come to like them a lot. They don't betray you like the loyalists did, but it should still feel like a punch to the gut for Emily and Corvo.

They don’t know where Daud is, haven’t seen him since the whalers disbanded .

Billie talks about that whole thing, and it's complicated. She decides maybe she should try to find him, after all. Cue DLC, which is about finding Daud, and helping/saving him, and the two reconciling and Billie finding some kind of...if not redemption, then absolution. A parallel to the first game’s DLC, Billie getting an arc like that in Emily’s game the way Daud got that arc in Corvo’s game. Y’know, instead of DOTO going and undoing all of Daud’s character growth.

I know I’m kind of handwaving the actual mechanics of who the targets are and how you actually go about uncovering what happened and how you can fix it and take down Delilah in the end, but this is all just. Concepts. If I were to try to write this as a fic or something I’d have to actually sit down and work out all those details, but for now this is something that’s just been living in my head since like an hour after I finished DH2 for the first time a couple years ago.

(I did warn you it was gonna be long lmao)

#turnabout rambles #mvtk42

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criticlog · 3 years

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SPN S4E03 - In the Beginning

Dean! Sam’s sneaking out again! Also why are you sleeping completely dressed on top of the covers?

Oh lmao that’s why Dean’s dressed, he needs to go on an adventure

I can’t believe Misha was told not to sit on the bed cause it was “too gay” like wtf spn people

also the way Cas turns his head here always reminds me of an owl lmao, I think it’s the way he keeps looking forward for most of it

Oh hell, time to go meet the parents when they were young

John, I don’t hate you yet since you’re still just some random dude, but you're on thin fucking ice

ffs Cas startled me lmao

IF ONLY JOHN GOT THAT VOLKSWAGEN VAN THOUGH!!

Dean you’re weirding him out lmao

Dinner with the grandparents (also Samuel and Deanna? Wait, Dean was named after his grandmother?)

Samuel, you’re already getting on my nerves with your attitude

Another crossroad deal? Damn, business is booming for those demons!

John was kind and sweet? Wow, well he sure changed let me tell you!

Oh ouch...Mary… I have some bad news…

This is like the Djinn dilemma all over again

Uh oh.. grandpa’s giving me possessed vibes.. yeah there it is!

Is this really where you’re gonna propose to her John? In a car at night while she is clearly in distress?

Oh ew, she had to kiss her dad’s body to seal the deal… Also I just realized that everyone in this family except for Sam made a crossroad deal to save someone else AND SAM TRIED TO BUT GOT TURNED DOWN SO THEY ALL TRIED!

oh thank god, Cas you’re here. Can we go home? This field trip sucked ass

You know Cas, I kinda wish you would have just told Dean about what happened to his parents instead of traumatizing him by making him feel like he failed to save them again

Well shit, time to go save Sammy from his demonic tendencies!

#dean winchester #sam winchester #castiel #spn #supernatural #CLwatchesSPN #4.03 #s4e03

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glenngaylord · 4 years

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OUTFEST 2020 FILM REVIEWS: The Rest Of The Fest

As the curtain closes on another Outfest, this one presented under extremely unusual circumstances, I sit in awe of the filmmakers and of the staff who put together not only a great group of films, but managed to creatively bring them to its audience online and at drive-in screenings. Typically, you find yourself having to choose one film over several others, but with this new format, you have a great chance of seeing everything you want. In past years, I found myself lucky if I saw 15 films. This year I saw 23 features and 4 shorts programs out of the 160 on the schedule.

As it’s impossible to get full reviews submitted for everything while the festival is still chugging along, I wanted to write capsules of the remaining films not covered at TheQueerReview.com . Please visit the website for all the other reviews I wrote as well as those by my colleagues.

THE OBITUARY OF TUNDE JOHNSON ★★★★★

Melding a Groundhog Day-style concept with police violence against black people, this stunning film could not be more prescient and emotionally overpowering. A black gay teenager relives his moment of murder over and over again, with slight shifts in the narrative taking us to someplace unexpected and earned. Director Ali LeRoi directs his first feature as if he’s been doing it all of his life and has interpreted Stanley Kalu’s ingenious script with a great cinematic approach. Gorgeously framed, beautifully acted, written, and directed, this is one of the most powerful films of 2020.

TWO EYES ★★★★★

I can’t form sentences here so I’m gonna vomit out words: Instant classic. Glorious. Set over three centuries seamlessly melding a triptych of stories about gender identity. I’m a blubbering mess. Fantastic and very funny last line. Travis Fine is a very gifted filmmaker who screams love child of Terrence Malick and Kelly Reichardt. Heartbreaking. Inspiring. Unforgettable. Montana is so beautiful. Barstow is not. A perfect film for anyone who wants to find their place in the world. I wouldn’t complain if TUNDE and TWO EYES both received Best Picture Oscar nominations.

DRAMARAMA ★★★★

Theater nerds rule in this incredibly endearing, early 90s set film about a group of high schoolers discovering themselves in one night at a ridiculous Murder Mystery-themed party. Hilarious script, vivid and wonderful performances, and the opposite of a “Coming Out” movie in the best possible way. Jonathan Wysocki has given us The Breakfast Club for air-kissing, mid-Atlantic accented freaks and geeks.

CICADA ★★★★

What happens when a traumatized, bisexual man who has more sex partners than any standard montage can contain slows things down to concentrate on one kind but also traumatized young man? This elliptically told film has a fun, flirty side but carries its heaviness with great ease. A terrific feature debut for director/writer/editor/lead actor Matthew Fifer.

THE STRONG ONES (LOS FUERTES) ★★★★

From Chile comes this sexy, moving story of two men at cross purposes who form a beautiful bond. Set against some stunning scenery and mining the chemistry between its two leads for everything it has, I am half-jokingly calling it Brokeback Andes. It’s so much more than that trite, hackneyed comparison.

MONSOON ★★★1/2

Director Hong Khaou’s followup to Lilting sets its sights on modern day Vietnam as Henry Golding’s character visits to find a suitable place to distribute his mother’s ashes. It’s a terrific mediation on a gay man finding a sense of belonging in a place he’s never been and Golding proves himself to be a subtle, compelling actor. Perhaps a little too quiet and reflective, the film makes up for what it lacks in narrative drive with its awe-inspiring cinematography and immersive qualities.

P.S. BURN THIS LETTER PLEASE ★★★★1/2

What an unexpected surprise. Michael Seligman and Jennifer Tiexiera’s documentary about a treasure trove of letters dating back to the 1950s brings us into the world of drag queens from almost 70 years ago. With many of its subjects not only alive but in fine form telling their stories and the dishiest voiceover readings ever to grace a film, I was not only thoroughly entertained, but I didn’t expect to weep like Laura Dern at the end. Oh, this is so so so so good.

MINYAN ★★★★

Eric Steel’s feature debut has its own unique tone and a star making performance by Samuel H. Levine, a spitting image of a young Al Pacino/Sylvester Stallone hybrid. With its 1980s Jewish Brighton Beach backdrop, this powerful yet subtle film about a young man coming to terms with his sexuality as well as his place within his religion, it’s a stunning debut. Ron Rifkin is stellar as Levine’s charming grandfather and Alex Hurt (William Hurt’s son) has his father’s intensity. Fantastic, lived-in production design which feels like its decade without resorting to the usual candy colored tropes and a evocative score makes this a memorable experience. Reminiscent at times of On The Waterfront, this film puts a fresh new spin on a coming of age tale and finds so many moving moments from first sex to an elderly gay couple hiding in plain sight. A must-see.

SHIVA BABY ★★★★

Writer/Director Emma Seligman must have studied Rosemary’s Baby quite a bit with this angsty story set mostly at a memorial service. Rachel Sennott is fantastic as a young lesbian who moves from one cringe-worthy moment to the next in an attempt to avoid as much conflict as possible. The great supporting cast includes Polly Draper, Fred Melamed, Dianna Agron, Molly Gordon, and Jackie Hoffman, all note perfect. Less a comedy and more of an emotional horror story, Seligman knows how to make the best of a cramped space and throw up an endless variety of obstacles. You just want Sennott’s Danielle to get her goddamned bagel with lox and cream cheese, but the fates have something else, something better, in store.

COWBOYS ★★★★

Steve Zahn gives a career best performance in this moving story of a father with mental health issues and his trans son escaping into the Montana wilderness. Sasha Knight makes an impressive debut as Zahn’s son and Jillian Bell expertly walks that fine line between villain and empathetic character. Its comparisons to Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid are not coincidental. Not perfect by any stretch, it may feel fairly conventional, but it’s tackling a vibrant subject matter. Extra points for giving Ann Dowd a role where we don’t hiss at her.

BREAKING FAST ★★★

Solid romcom with a Muslim backdrop, this very tight, deceptively simple script provides just the right amount of sparks between its charming leads, Haaz Sleiman and Michael Cassidy. While structurally not breaking new ground, the entry point into a world we don’t see enough of on screen coupled with food porn for days makes this a fun, funny, goes down easy delight.

ASK ANY BUDDY ★★★1/2

Q: Daddy! Daddy! What were the 70s like down at the Piers in NYC? A: Oh shut up and watch this movie.

An experimental collage of vintage gay porn and archival footage from the disco, pre-AIDS heyday gives this film a mesmerizing, museum installation quality. While technically without a story, you feel like you’ve gone on a journey nonetheless. Would pair well with William Friedkin’s Cruising.

DRY WIND ★★★1/2

Slow cinema meets voyeuristic gay porn in this one of a kind Brazilian exploration an arid small town, a workers’ union crisis, and a man obsessed with the Tom Of Finland drawing come to life who motors into his life. Overlong and a little too obtuse as it goes along, it’s worth watching this Alice In Wonderland takes a quaalude, gets a very hairy back, and has a lot of sex in the dirt.

NO HARD FEELINGS ★★★★

This year’s Teddy Award Winner at the Berlin Film Festival, Faraz Shariat’s film uses its backdrop of a refugee camp in Germany to tell the story of Iranians and Irani-Germans searching for a better life. Its three leads bring a spark and youthful energy to a story with devastating undercurrents. A wrenching glimpse into the emotional effects an oppressive culture has on its people, yet told with a driving pulse.

LILY TOMLIN: THE FILM BEHIND THE SHOW ★★★

A look behind the scenes as Lily Tomlin and wife Jane Wagner workshop their legendary 1980s Broadway show, The Search For Signs Of Intelligent Life In The Universe. It’s great to see these two at the top of their game and get a glimpse of their creative process, but this documentary is almost devoid of incident and feels more like a sweet gift to the fans than a fully realized film.

SHORTS: WHAT A BOY NEEDS ★★★1/2

A mixed bag here of people searching for excitement, I found a couple of gems here nonetheless. Not to take away from the shorts I don’t mention, I want to single out two exceptional films. Ruben Navarro’s Of Hearts And Castles looks great, has a beautiful vibe, and shows us a lovely connection forming right before our eyes. Kiko’s Saints proves highly original as we follow a female Japanese artist on assignment in France become obsessed with a gay couple who have a lot of sex on the beach. Combining animation with fairly explicit sex, I loved seeing the male gaze from a female perspective.

THE CAPOTE TAPES ★★1/2

I love Truman Capote. I grew up at a time when smart authors found themselves on talk shows and were treated like superstars. I’ve read his books and always have been in awe of his ability to be himself. Featuring never-before-heard tapes of Capote’s friends being interviewed by George Plimpton, unfortunately, I don’t think this repetitive documentary gave me anything all that new. It’s still touching at times and for the uninitiated, this is a great overview of his life, but I was watching the clock.

OUT LOUD ★★★1/2

A moving look at the Trans Chorus of Los Angeles as they prepare for their first public performance. With its ticking clock storyline, director Gail Willumsen expertly interweaves storylines of its founder and members. As such, you really learn what’s a stake and what it means to them. I was lucky enough to see the chorus perform David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust a few years ago and basked in the power of its mere existence…and was also ridiculously entertained.

TWILIGHT’S KISS (SUK SUK) ★★★1/2

This quiet charmer form Hong Kong shows us something we almost never get to see on film - two elderly gay men meeting and falling in love. The fact that both have been married to women doesn’t stop them from exploring their feelings. A little to gentle by half, I still was in awe of this rarity.

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asgardianthot · 4 years

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No words needed

Sam Wilson x Bucky Barnes

A/N: The new images might have been too much to handle, but I’m glad to know we’re all hopping on the same headcanons after the trailer. Here’s one because I can’t stop making up sappy scenarios with those two idiots living in a cottage together.

Words: 1751

Life there wasn’t too bad. It was the idea of stepping out into the real world that terrified them to the core. And they didn’t explicitly mention it, but because they didn’t have to. Words weren’t necessary. Bucky could see it in Sam’s sweaty face, as he practiced and failed and beat himself up about not getting the proper hang of the shield. He could hear it in Sam’s grunts when he threw it, employing the last bit of his strength, and still missed.

Because Sam didn’t think he was good enough for the shield, and soon, they both would have to face the real world. They would get a call any minute now. A mission. An outing. And the lovely little cottage in which they spent their days, preparing to reintegrate the Forces, would become nothing but a memory of a quieter time.

It was visible in Bucky’s face as he held a big envelope with the CIA stamp on the inner seal.

In fact, Sam walked in on Bucky staring down at the papers he had distributed in both hands, standing in the middle of the living room, frozen. At first, Sam was highly tempted to joke about the CIA’s environmental practices for using printed paper instead of digital archives, but after noticing the silent panic growing in Barnes’ features, Sam approached him and took the documents away.

They were update reports. Pieces of information of what the –currently very dysfunctional and chaotic– institution had on specific targets. Some contained names, locations, dates and what at first sight resembled future deals, meaning the CIA had been tracking large scale criminals without actually engaging in any form of attack, and some documents were simply pictures of said targets, spotted out in the streets. That could only mean one thing: get ready. The pair had been assigned these cases, and they would have to engage very soon. Sam considered offering Bucky tranquilizing words, or perhaps giving him a full lecture on how he could do this.

But as soon as he read more carefully, he understood what paralyzed Bucky like that. Arms dealer, former KGB associate. Arms dealer, former STRIKE, former HYDRA agent. MO, former HYDRA scientist.

He looked up from the envelope, only to find a wide-eyed Bucky, staring off into nothingness and clenching his jaw like there was a cyanide tooth he could pop, so he moved to drop the papers on the coffee table. When he walked back to the frozen figure, he pressed his chest against Bucky’s back and wrapped him up with both arms. Within the embrace, he could feel Bucky’s heart rate going off and his breaths heaving a little, so he simply hugged him tighter. He ran one thumb up and down the man’s chest, in hopes to make him feel cherished and supported, but it didn’t seem to help just yet.

He began breathing more and more hectically, until he was effectively hyperventilating, and so Sam, never loosening the tight grip on the man’s torso, dragged both bodies to the sofa. He guided Bucky carefully as they both walked backwards, and as soon as he managed to sit both figures down, Barnes appeared to snap back into reality. He looked around the room like he had lost his whereabouts, and that, of course, freaked him out more than anything. Sam merely held him in his arms and rocked him for as long as Bucky needed.

They both had very different fears. Bucky could see it in Sam’s sweaty face, as he practiced and failed and beat himself up about not getting the proper hang of the shield. He could hear it in Sam’s grunts when he threw it, employing the last bit of his strength, and still missed. Only this time, as Bucky sat on the grass, enjoying the fresh country-side air and keeping Sam company, he saw more frustration than he’d seen in Samuel’s eyes before.

He lifted his gaze right on time to see Sam get furious with himself and throw the shield with pure rage and a loud growl. No technique, no precautions nor actual aim, but a desperate and annoyed and very sloppy shot that sent the artefact somewhere into the forest. Unfortunately, such anger release should still have been executed with the right skill, for the sloppiness of it harmed Wilson’s wrist. As soon as Bucky saw him complain and hold his own hand, he stood up and attempted to take a look.

“Fuck!” Sam let out, turning around to refuse Bucky’s attention.

“You okay?” the latter asked.

“No, I’m not! I’m so not okay, I’m terrible.” He turned back around and began venting right on Bucky’s face, “I should be getting this right by now, it shouldn’t be so hard! He never should’ve given me the shield, I can’t…”

Bucky felt his heart heavy on his chest, listening to Sam’s self-deprecation. But he listened quietly, giving him room to get it out of his system.

“I’m already not even half of who he was, Buck.” He lowered his tone during that specific lament, then returned to a more elevated and frustrated one, aimlessly waving his arms around, “Now I can’t even use this thing! How am I supposed to go out and fight with it? Why’d I ever think I could do this? I’m not ready. I never was! Why the hell did he-? I…”

As his rage turned into rambling and his words drowned out in loud breaths, Bucky took a few decided steps in his direction and forced Sam into a hug. No matter his doubts, the important thing right now was for Samuel to calm down. Giving into the gesture yet not completely, Sam didn’t need to reciprocate the embrace for his thoughts to become quieter. His nose still flared with discontent, but he managed to control his breath with Bucky’s arms around him and his head resting on Sam’s shoulder.

When nighttime came, Sam’s hand barely didn’t hurt anymore. After applying a bag of frozen peas for an hour, the articulation almost felt brand as new. However, that didn’t mean the subject was done for. The couple was sitting on the couch, silently watching television, when Wilson realized he couldn’t move past it so easily, and therefore he pressed the off button on the remote without any former announcement.

Bucky turned to face him with a mildly confused look.

"You shouldn't do that.” Sam said softly, “Walk into people's breakdowns when they're being violent."

The brunette simply shrugged, "Seemed like you needed it."

"I did. Thank you.” Sam gave him the smallest grin of gratitude before closing all distance between them and planting a kind and short kiss on his partner’s lips, “But I'm serious. I'm wired for... making sure you don't get hurt. But that's me. Do that adorable gesture with anyone else, they might accidentally-"

"Who else would I hug, Sam?" Barnes interrupted him in a mocking tone.

"I don't know." The man laughed, "Sharon? And she'd definitely break your arm. Perhaps even intentionally."

Bucky smiled big as he nodded. A tiny chuckle escaped his lips, and he looked into the distance, already forgetting what they were discussing. Sam contemplated that, how when your past is so traumatic and painful every little problem now seems too easy to deal with. Maybe he didn’t care if Sam had lost control and got him hurt for barging in the middle of his rage, because he didn’t care too much about his physical integrity. Perhaps he did, but he valued Sam’s emotions a whole of a lot more. Or maybe he was so nonchalant about any kind of conflict –that didn’t involve Hydra or the KGB, of course– that he hadn’t even thought about it. He just hugged Sam because his gut told him to.

All things considered, Bucky was a pretty sane guy, which gave Sam some well-deserved tranquility. He knew he didn’t have to take care of Bucky. He didn’t even have to talk some sense into him, but merely wrap him in his arms and support him, and he rejoiced in the idea that Bucky had done that exactly to him earlier that day.

"Come 'ere." Sam let out, extending his arm for Bucky to lay back against him, with love and borderline worshipping in his voice.

"Why?" Bucky reacted rather aggressively.

Sam rolled his eyes, "Just come, don't be stubborn."

"Oh, I'm stubborn?"

"James. I'm begging you. Let me be cute and mushy, please?"

Suddenly, Barnes felt all too dumb because it took him so long to understand a simple love gesture: Come ‘ere. I wanna hold you. He concealed the small smile threatening to take over his features and did as asked, falling back and resting his head on Sam’s lap. The latter stared down at his partner with smitten eyes, and soon began running his fingers down the brunette’s hair. After a whole minute or two of the most intense yet at the same time softest eye contact, Sam’s hands travelled to the man’s cheeks and started caressing him with extreme care.

"I love you." He spoke loud and clear, certain of his bold statement.

For being the first time any of them said it, he was surprisingly calm. There was no nervousness, no hesitation, but heavy and utter admiration for the man whose head rested on his lap.

Bucky raised his eyebrows without thinking it, "Shit."

Even though nothing would ever make Sam take it back, an embarrassed smirk took over as he looked away.

"I mean, I..." Bucky tried to retract such a harsh reply, and he made Sam face him again by his chin, "I wasn't expecting it. I thought we just... weren't that kind of people."

"The kind of people who love?" Sam narrowed his eyes jokingly.

"No, of course I love you. I thought that was obvious, 's why I just figured we weren't gonna make a big deal out of it."

The words made Sam smile idiotically. He truly, entirely and frantically loved that stupid, stupid, dumbass. And his way of saying ‘I love you’ was even more idiotic than Bucky himself, which only made Sam adore him even more.

"Good to know.” He said as if it physically bothered him to speak through such an intense smile, “But I like big deals. That bother you?"

Bucky dragged Sam’s chin down in order to make their faces meet.

"Nah. I'm cool with that." He said before kissing him, claiming him without words.

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