Lmao I get the exact same ask on bearotonin at least 3 times a week. And I would get it far less frequently if I just answered one of them. But to answer would be to break brand continuity, which must be avoided at all costs. So alas, I must suffer through the same boring boring ask over and over and over again. Woe is me. My life is so hard.

Adjusting

Jean Kirstein x F!Reader

I got a few Jean requests which i’m super happy about :)) so I decided to sorta combine them, enjoy! (I had SO much fun writing this)

Overview: How you and Jeans lives are going in Marley

Warnings: Cursing, slight nsfw, anxiety

Season: 4

-

Things are different, to say the least. Marley seems more like ‘Paradise Island’ than your home did. There’s no constant fear of death here, no scraping for food, it seems like everything your people wanted and deserved. Yet you were still considered a devil, whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. It’s nice here but you still can’t help but envy it, and long to wipe the smile off these heartless people’s faces.

The time you’ve been here has completely lost tract, you can’t even recall the first day. Jean has been by your side since the beginning, helping you remain calm. There are many moments where you want to yell or call out someone disrespecting your home, but you’ve had to hold back. It really pissed you off more than anything else you’ve ever dealt with.

“Don’t let their ignorance get to you, doll,” he’d said as tears built in your orbs. It was earlier on since you two had gotten there, and you had to hear the harsh words for the first time. The person wasn’t even talking to you, but the terms were technically still about you and everyone you cared for. “How can so many be so oblivious?” His lips traced your neck from behind, leaving soft kisses that had your body melting. “Remember you’re better than them.”

You long to go back home, but you know your time here has not yet received a due date. There’s no telling how prolonged this mission will be. The little town home you and Jean are staying at is pure filth, you wish Levi could be here to make it spotless. Thankfully most of your days together were spent moving around Marley gathering as much information as possible. You’d seen Reiner a few times, which scared the shit out of you.

Today was a somewhat normal day, and it’s beautiful outside. Your fingers are looped with Jeans as he buys a news paper. Not much has happened so far but it is still earlier on in the day. You enjoyed days like this, they were more calm and enjoyable. At this point you weren’t sure what else you and Jean could possible find out, the rest was basically left to Eren. The only thing you loathed about being here is your daily attire.

You constantly have to wear a skirt or a dress, which is totally not comfortable in this heat. “I’m hungry,” you mumble as you two walk away from the news paper stand. Jean’s hand gives yours a squeeze, “We will eat in a bit, okay?” You couldn’t help but let out a groan, you were starving from all the walking.

Jean doesn’t know who’s genius idea it was to send you two together. Sure you’d basically been a thing since you were teens but you still annoy each other like an old married couple. Then again he wouldn’t want to be here with anyone else, he just wishes you could be a little less whiny. “Doll, we’re going to get food. I just need to give a letter to Eren first, he has someone who can send them back home without it being checked.”

Your arms wrap around his waist and you lean into his side as your walk continues. “I just want to lay in bed all day, is that too much to ask for?” He chuckes while observing the cute pout on your face. ��Sadly it is too much to ask for.” His arm comes to swing around your shoulders down to your middle, and he pats your hip with the newspaper. Anyone watching your current state would think you’re brand new lovers in the honeymoon stage, but this has been going on for years.

“I heard there’s a festival in a couple days, are we going?” He’d already heard about it and knew you’d be dying to go. But the thought of going was so overwhelming for him, he wasn’t even sure if he could handle it. That many people, so many unfamiliar faces, there’s no telling what could happen. “We’ll talk about it.” That always means no, and you can’t help but let out a groan.

The day goes on and you finally get food, which was better than anything you’ve ever had. Jean didn’t dig in like you however, he seems to have a lot on his mind. “Whats up with you?” You ask through a mouthful of rice, any other day he’d scold you for your bad manners but he wasn’t in the mood. Together you sat at a table for two at a eatery that is rather empty, only a few workers and even less customers. “Do you ever think someone else should be doing my job?”

You should’ve known he would be doubting himself by now. Your love always fails to see his potential and strength, and it breaks your heart. He eyes are fixed on the bowl in front of him, his appetite quickly vanishing. The man felt sick and disappointed in himself. So far he hadn’t found out or accomplished as much as he had hoped for, and is afraid that he’s letting his friends down. Afraid he’s letting you down.

“That’s a stupid question,” you scold him with a scrunched face, “of course not! You were sent here for a reason, we all believe in you. Hell, they believe in me!” Jean doesn’t say anything, only lets out a soft laugh at your words. “What are you thinking about?” You reach across the table to grab his fidgeting hands, “tell me, please.”

Brown eyes finally land on you. He finds comfort in your touch and soft voice. “Uh, I’ve just been doubting myself lately. I feel like there’s never much to write back about, like everything is just a repeat from the letters before. There’s just something telling me that I can do more, but I just haven’t figured it out yet.” In all honesty, you felt the same about yourself. This move was all so hectic and a lot to take in, and sometimes it felt like you could be doing more.

“I understand, you know I do. This was a lot for the both of us and you can always talk to me. Personally, and you know I don’t lie to you, I think you’re doing a damn good job. Our circumstances are shit and you’re doing better than expected under all the pressure, give yourself more credit!” Your hands are waving in the air wildly as you rant with pure love.

Jean’s teeth are sunk into his bottom lip trying to suppress his smile. Somehow you always know what to say, and he admires that so much about you. “I love you so much.” A blush creeps onto your cheeks and you show a big smile, “I love you more, idiot.” He gets up from his seat across from you, quick to find his way to your side. Strong arms swoop to pick up your frame, as if his new bride, and you let out fits of giggles.

“What are you doing?” You ask with bright eyes. The small amount of people inside are watching the scene with crazy looks on their faces, but neither of you give a shit. He carries you out of the place as you continue to laugh, and reach up to ruffle his locks a few times. The man manages to carry you all the way home, setting you on your feet infront of the door way. “You should do that more often, be my personal carriage.” “Wouldn’t you just love that?” Sarcasm laced in his voice.

He opens the door with a key, that never works the first time, before kicking the door open and grabbing onto you once again. Your body is thrown over his shoulder as he enters your temporary home, then closing the door behind him. “Put me down, you dummy!” He does as you ask, dropping you onto your shared mattress. The light of the moon shines through the window onto your smiling face, and Jean thinks it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. An even better sight than the ocean.

“You’re gorgeous, you know that right?” His compliment sends butterflies to your stomach. Before you can answer his lips are connecting to yours in a loving kiss. Hands grip your hips, pulling you closer to his frame. You two stay like that for a moment, kissing and grabbing at one another like hungry hormonal teens who’ve never had physical touch.

Once his lips move to your neck your eyes open, and a small whimper slips from you at the feeling of his soft mouth. “Did my words cheer you up that much?” You ask with a smirk, and you’re answered with a bite to your nape causing you to yelp. His hands have moved under your long skirt now, palming at your thighs. This man will forever know how to make you feel good, it’s as if he has a magic touch. Scratch that, he does have a magic touch.

“Isn’t Eren-“ You cut yourself off with a moan as he sucks at your collar bone, “Isn’t Eren supposed to be coming by?” Jean smiles against your skin, and he feels a shiver run through your body. “I guess we’ll just have to get started now, huh?”

-

A knock echos through the small home and you two scramble for your clothes. “Hold on!” You yell, and then accidentally fall over as you step into your skirt. Jean let’s out a snort at the scene, and you narrow your eyes at him, “I’m having trouble walking right now thanks to someone.” He smirks while buttoning up his shirt, “You weren’t complaining while I was doing it. I recall hearing a, ‘More Jean, please more!’” He mocks your words, in a high pitched voice, from the earlier events and you blush, but try to hide it with an annoyed look.

“Shut your trap and open the door.” He laughs and buttons the last of his shirt before opening the door. There stood Eren with a very knowing look on his face. The long haired man observes you two, and it’s very telling. Each of your manes are sticking in every direction, not to mention the room has that smell to it. “You knew I’d be here and you still couldn’t keep your hands off of each other?”

Jean’s face goes blank and so does yours, but it’s short lived before you’re letting out strings of laughter. He can’t help but smile as well, but his gaze is set on the floor to keep from further annoying Eren. “Oh cmon Eren, it’s a little funny.” He completely doesn’t agree with you, but you continue to giggle.

This has been a very long mission for Eren with the two of you. Atleast you both didn’t give a shit.

Love Choice Review

Okay so I had no idea Masquerade Kiss would be Love Choice, but this title has managed to tempt me into reading it anyway. I can’t say I’m happy about it but there are a lot of things I have to say, since the whole Love Choice (LC) system has been controversial, or just incredibly detested/undesired, ever since its conception. And it does suck since I’ve been wanting Voltage to release more mature titles (and the whole female spy thing was just a plus, I guess). Voltage did a really good job of hyping up this release and I love/hate them for it lmao. But yeah here are my two cents on the LC feature. Sorry for the longass rant in advance. If you only care about my opinion regarding Masquerade Kiss and Kazuomi Shido’s route then you can check out my review later on my blog (if and when I get to it). But I still mention the title here and there in this review since it is the first LC main story that was released.

For most people who have been with Voltage for a long time, LC is probably one of the worst things on the planet, right after the Love 365 app debacle which caused many to lose their stories if they weren’t aware of the transfer dates or not able to transfer their data (technically they’re losing the right/license to access those stories, cause they don’t own them) and all the other customer service horror stories you can think of. Generally, for people who think that converting coins into hearts and not being able to read the story however they want are terrible ideas, they will outright avoid LC titles/stories. Since LC is F2P, it isn’t much different from the other otome/visual novels that have premium options where people have the option to spend money.

But let’s just think about it for a moment.

The appeal of LC is that you can read the stories completely free of charge. Yes, there is a countdown timer which prevents you from reading the next episode immediately and you would have to spend hearts to bypass that. But let’s keep in mind that Voltage Entertainment USA (aka the subsidiary which creates apps catered towards Western audiences) is also doing something similar with the ticket system. Plus they don’t even give you the option to buy routes anymore, which is why we should be thankful that Voltage Inc hasn’t done that with their Japanese apps yet. I just want to make the best of what we are given (and hopefully try to get a little enjoyment out of it), even if LC is terribly implemented.

So just hear me out for a second. A very long second.

If you’re not one of those people who need every single CG and ending AND don’t mind the wait, this post is mainly for you.

PLEASE JUST READ THE DAMN STORY. LIKE READ MASQUERADE KISS RIGHT NOW WHILE THERE IS NO WAIT TIME (until 2/17). It costs you nothing and you will still get a pretty complete experience.  Don’t be stupid and believe that you’re missing out if you don’t get the CG’s. Go look the CG’s up online or something if you have to because I’m sure someone has posted them regardless of whether it’s allowed or not. It has a decent plot that doesn’t make me want to ram my head into a wall from secondhand embarrassment. Sure there are aspects of it that weren’t written well (will be explained in my review later) but it’s still a good story and I don’t regret reading it. It would be a shame to miss out just because you’re too busy hating on the system. If you don’t want to spend your free hearts (or don’t have enough) on CG’s that cost you 20-30 hearts and options that require hearts, just use it towards reading the next couple episodes (for when they go back to subjecting you to wait times). At least you still won’t be using as many hearts. Yeah the CG’s and love choices are hella expensive and they shouldn’t be. It might even feel like you’re being punished for not choosing those choices because in the end you won’t be getting the happy ending. But they’re not NECESSARY. However, if you still want the CG’s/happy endings, just reread it again later when you get enough hearts. I don’t know, that’s not a priority for me so I can wait on unlocking those CG’s. 

From Episode 1 up to the second to last episode, you’re getting the same. exact. content. Let me repeat that. YOU GET THE SAME EXACT CONTENT. The only thing is that you won’t get all of the CG’s or the super happy ending, which are what people are really paying for. Is it really worth it??? Voltage apps don’t have bad endings. They’re either the romantic/passionate alternate endings or it’s happy(or normal)/super happy endings. No endings where it’s game over, you’re dead or oops you screwed up this entire thing. You’re essentially getting the same ending, just a slightly different view of the events. Just more vanilla, if you don’t get the “better” ending. Slightly fewer lines of text, less description. Big whoop. That and well, you don’t get the CG. Too bad. No personal bragging rights for me to put on my metaphorical trophy pedestal. For me, reading the visual novel is the main goal. The art and CG’s are just a plus, a very much appreciate plus. I would care more about the plot because if you are reading a terribly written story, what’s the point in having good art anyways? You look at it for a bit and just move on to something else that isn’t a waste of time.  

And like....come on. If you hate the LC feature, that’s all the more the reason why you should try it. It won’t even hurt you to read the story if you’re adamant on not spending money/converting coins. Even if it’s terribly written, you didn’t pay for it like you would have with a P2P story. No monetary loss there, just lost time and feelings of disappointment. And if you hate waiting or think LC is a waste of time, just think of reading an episode whenever you have time. You don’t have to commit to it. You could speed read an episode in a minute or two and then go on doing whatever else you want to do with your day. It shouldn’t take up that much of your time. And if you forget to, it’s fine. Not something you’ll be too invested in.

They’re not charging you for anything, so suck it up. I’m sure you have other things you can do in the meantime while you wait for the next episode. Your life doesn’t revolve around otome games (unless you’re adopting an unhealthy lifestyle in which case you have more things to be concerned about). Don’t be a whiny bitch about it. And that’s why the hearts system exists... for the impatient people. They WANT you to spend money on their products, since that’s the whole point of running a business. Yes you’re paying for a one-time access when you’re using hearts to read episodes. Yes you have to start over if you want to reread a specific episode. Ultimately it’s up to YOU to choose whether you want to spend money or not for LC stories, but you don’t HAVE to.

Again, I’m emphasizing the word ‘time’ because if you really don’t have time, then seriously just do whatever you’re supposed to be doing jesus christ. Don’t feel like I’m calling you out for not wanting to read LC stories because you don’t have time to wait around for it. I’m not telling you to prioritize LC over Voltage’s other stuff. Just give it a chance if you can afford to do so, because money isn’t the issue here if you can read the story for free. I know people look towards Voltage apps as a way to relax and so that I understand that reading a LC novel would not be a choice if you have limited time. Because why go for LC if you have perfectly good apps that you’ve already paid for and can read whenever you want? I understand. I really do.

In regards to people complaining about Masquerade Kiss being a LC novel, I have a couple things I want to say. Voltage has the right to choose whichever title they want to be LC. Besides, what criteria do you expect them to use in choosing which titles should be LC? It’s not as if they’ll be like “oh let’s choose an okay title to be Love Choice”, just to make customers glad that they don’t have to waste money. That’s not practical. And ideally they wouldn’t want to be writing shitty stories anyway. They need to make money off them or else it’s a waste of all the money and time they invested into producing the title. For the most part, all the newer titles have been decent, if not good. There will be people who love them and people who hate them. So how would you decide the best choice to be LC among all the good titles? And it wouldn’t make sense to make a title both LC and P2P because that would be when people will REALLY start to hate LC, especially when you have to fork out a ridiculous amount of hearts for the CG’s.  Then there will be even more customer complaints yay. Also, if they made it P2P how many coins would they even charge for the whole route, considering how many hearts they have to spend for the CG’s? The CG’s are “free” only if you have enough hearts for those in-game choices that you want to choose, but if you’re paying for them that would mean it’s like $2-$3 per CG. 

Since they announced this feature, it’s here to stay unless they decide to get rid of it (which I doubt). YOU DON’T GET A SAY IN IT. Their company, their products, their choices. They will make whatever choices in which they benefit the most from. Sometimes those choices will align with what customers want. Sometimes they won’t. You don’t like it then you leave. That’s what most people would do anyway. Even if you do leave, there will always be more people getting sucked into the Voltage trap anyways. If you don’t, then you will continue to rot in the sin bin that is Voltage and there goes your money. Sadly, that’s how the world works. 

So yeah if you’re still reading, thanks for reading my very long winded, unpopular (probably) opinion. You’re a trooper. I have respect for you. I’m just here to get this off my chest. Please don’t hate me. 

Complaining about me having Food Issues. This is vaguely whiny and has way too many details and wow I’m gonna regret posting it!

Also, caveat: this is a vent post, but pretty much everything in my life is amazingly good right now and I am so lucky. Not representative of my broader brainstate.

Advice welcomed. “This part sounds stupid and distorted-thinking-y” especially welcomed.

CW: If there’s anything health or food/weight-related you want to avoid you should probably not open the readmore; the post consists mostly of detailed discussion of Things That Look Like An Eating Disorder.

The last half of 2018 was bad for me; it culminated in me dropping out of college and finally moving away from my parents (like, half a continent away), and things are weirdly better now. I am happy and healthy-adjacent and resolving Personal Problems that have been insoluble for most of my life.

(The home environment was not conducive to proper emotional development.)

Almost every part of it has been strangely easy. Getting an apartment, getting a job, managing money, catching up on the Normal Young Adult social skills. It feels like I’ve just got more cognitive resources to devote to life, now.

...The only thing that hasn’t become easy is food.

I don’t get hungry often enough, and when I do experience hunger, it doesn’t motivate me to eat (I’ve been describing this as essentially pain asymbolia but for hunger). I also just don’t enjoy eating -- intellectually I can recognize when food tastes good, but it’s still unpleasant to eat it. (Not an anhedonia thing! Other pleasant stimuli are far more enjoyable than they were a few months ago and life is amazing.)

There also are a lot of gastrointestinal symptoms -- nausea and pain, et cetera. They have been present at a low level for a while but worsen when I don’t maintain a relatively stable caloric intake. (I can’t eat because I am in pain! I am justified in not eating! Never mind that eating causes significant pain specifically because I haven’t eaten in a few days.)

Inflammatory and celiac markers are normal, IBS could explain part of it but not really the upper GI tract symptoms. It is maybe plausible that this is an autonomic thing? I already have a lot of autonomic dysfunction things and sometimes people with my connective tissue problems have weird gut motility. (Incomplete listing of symptoms I get that are plausibly gut-dysmotility-related: passive regurgitation and GERD and cramping and diarrhea and upper GI pain and vomiting and postprandial nausea/fullness and occasional difficulty swallowing and other things I am forgetting about right now.)

It also is plausible that at least some of this is psychosomatic -- stress sometimes seems to make it worse -- but the broader cluster hasn’t always coincided with periods of emotional stress. The first time the symptoms interfered with my ability to eat was during one of the happiest and most low-stress parts of my life, and it definitely preceded the Food Doesn’t Feel Good problem. (And autonomic dysfunction worsens with stress too.) Although it maybe helped condition me not to want to eat, since eating causes a grab-bag of annoying symptoms.

(the most accurate diagnosis probably is “neurotic-intellectual with-ill-defined-GI-problems syndrome”)

Having food in my stomach feels bad and wrong in a way that is not about the physical pain. (Meal replacement shakes and protein powders mostly fix this but are not financially feasible, are often incredibly low-calorie, and also if I’m mostly doing liquid calories I get worse physical symptoms when I do solid food.)

The maladaptive food behaviors have been present on and off for most of my life, and the GI symptoms have been a thing since like... early 2018?, but last semester was the first time I’d consistently gone for months with an energy deficit; I’ve had a lifelong tendency to not do well with eating but never to this extent. But this was -- there were some weeks when I ate maybe four meals, some two- or three-day periods when I didn’t eat.

Predictably I lost weight. (Weight loss is not good! I like having energy stores and muscle mass and also being able to sit on the floor without my ass hurting.) I lost enough weight that my doctor got really worried; I was not overweight and am edging down towards the lower end of the reasonable range. She was definitely worried in the context of physical symptoms, but I suspect that if I had presented the cause of the weight loss slightly differently, she would have been worried about the psych component. It’s stupid too. I do not want to lose weight! I want to have enough energy to do shit without dipping into fat stores!

Also last semester: vomiting. The postprandial nausea occasionally has been bad enough that it makes me vomit. (I have a supply of ondansetron and this is no longer an issue.) More frequently the postprandial nausea is bad enough that I can’t tolerate it, it’s a constant reminder that there is food where it should not be, and I induce vomiting. I haven’t done this since I moved out, but I have really really wanted to. Ondansetron helps here too but not completely. Or I don’t have nausea, but there is food in my stomach and this feels really unpleasant and, well, there’s one thing that’ll fix it right away (plus give me a nice adrenaline rush).

Solutions: ondansetron; don’t go to the bathroom for a while after I eat; if eating at home, try to do meals when my roommates are home so I can’t vomit because they’d hear it; distract myself until I don’t feel horribly full.

(Which takes a while, sometimes. Maybe too long. I have vomited basically undigested food a few hours after a meal. Not sure whether that’s abnormal, and if it is it’s really plausible that I did this to myself by not eating enough. Gastric emptying is not my strong suit?)

...Going days without eating because I just don’t want to. Weight loss. Defective hunger response. Being exhausted and not having the energy to eat. Hiding this from people, too; I had told people about the physical symptoms but not the fundamental aversion to eating, not the going days without eating. Conscious displays: mixing coconut cream into tea, here, I am eating, this is eating, I am making an effort, it is not my fault. And a refusal to reduce physical activity. I generally ate only dinner, if that, but still spent my breaks between classes pacing around campus. Even though I knew I shouldn’t. (Sometimes I justified this as an attempt to maintain muscle mass. That is patently stupid and honestly I could have just done some squats if that was my real goal. I didn’t have a real goal. The closest thing I had to a goal was -- keep moving.)

This guide from a SSC reader convinced me to treat my eating problems like a thing that is actually bad, not like “oh my stomach hurts if I eat so I’ll just not do that.” (Also took it more seriously after I started having difficulty resisting the urge to vomit.) But, uh. It’s scarily familiar. I am trying really hard to eat enough.

I’d hoped that getting out of the supremely stressful situation would help with the eating problems. To some extent it has -- I’ve been able to force myself to eat every day, there’ve been only one or two days per week where I’ve skipped one meal, I haven’t vomited since I left. As of three weeks ago I hadn’t had substantial further weight loss. Eating still is difficult to an extent that I can’t really understand, and it’s difficult when nothing else is. Finding an apartment was easy. Getting a job was easy. Work has been fun and easy and amazing. But pretty much every meal has been a struggle, I’ve been having to force-feed myself, I’ve felt more distress about putting food in my body than about anything else since I left home.

If it doesn’t settle down soon it’ll be pretty tiring. I am concerned that this level of effort is not sustainable.

And... I need to buy a scale. (Spending money is not a skill I have. I don’t like it and I don’t want to do it. Even on food and transportation. So I pretty regularly walk several miles instead of taking the damn bus, and if I forget to bring lunch I just won’t eat at work.) I suspect that I’ve started losing weight again, in large part because my physical activity is way up and I am really busy. Also I underestimate how many calories I need. I am young and physically active and hormonally male and it’s not reasonable to expect e.g. three 500-kcal meals and a snack to let me maintain weight, let alone gain it. It feels like I am eating so much and this probably isn’t true.

(Tracking caloric intake has historically been a bad idea, because my brain doesn’t do effortful things well, and there’s an observer effect: if I have to expend the necessary effort to write down what I ate, I will probably just not eat the thing so I don’t have to expend the effort. This was true even back when I liked eating.)

I don’t know. It might get better -- I’m putting a lot of effort into it but it’s reasonable that the eating problems aren’t resolving in the month and a half since I left home. Everything else has gotten substantially better and the food issues are only lagging by comparison. I am young and impatient. Also, I’ve gone from [regularly going days without eating, vomiting after I eat, losing a lot of weight really fast] to not doing any of that; this is a huge success and I am complaining about it not being completely solved within a month and a half!

In another month and a half I’ll have health insurance. If it hasn’t improved more by then, I’ll try to find a therapist. (Three months of having Significant Food Issues when not in a horribly stressful environment absolutely is enough to justify spending money on the copay.)

...I am worried it’ll get worse and I won’t notice or I’ll try to hide it. I am worried that it won’t get better and I’ll consider getting therapy and then not be able to stomach (pun intended!) the $20 copay, because even though I am financially secure enough for that not to be an issue, it’s twenty dollars and I don’t spend money on things. I am worried that it won’t get worse but it also won’t get better and I’ll have to spend the next several decades hating food and intensely wanting to vomit for like an hour after every meal.

(There are safeguards and I probably will not hide symptoms getting worse. I am pretty confident I can make myself find a therapist. I’ve had this problem for only six or seven months and most of that was under circumstances that extremely will not continue and I’ve gotten way better at handling it and it is way too early to be worried about this lasting indefinitely.)

Eh, I don’t know. I am handling it, I am taking steps to handle it. It sucks but I’m not concerned about my ability to handle and/or fix things that suck. Life’s awesome. Worst-case scenario is I just have to spend stupid amounts of money on meal-replacement drinks and get all my calories that way.

The best-case scenario, according to my brain: a doctor prescribes meal-replacement drinks and I get adequate nutrition and don’t have to eat solid food and also don’t have to pay for it. This would be really nice! I recognize that it’s not exactly great that I see this as the best-case scenario. A more reasonable best-case scenario: I figure out how to enjoy or at least not actively hate eating, and then I just do that like a normal person.

it’ll be fine even if it kind of sucks short-term

Vent

Normally I throw this shniz to my vent blog and be done with it, but guess it can be an explanation for some, though probably won't be noticed to those I'd want to tell this to: I, don't have high self esteem. It's very low, drastically low, dangerously low. It's apart of my depression, and it racks at my brain how low I feel of myself, how worthless I am, how I feel. To explain however I can: I desire attention, badly. Not an ego thing, not a center of attention thing, but to be desired by friends and close ones. Whether privately or publicly, it feels so heartwarming for someone to be excited to show their enjoyment of my existence to me. I rarely get that heartwarming feeling. I don't know why, so I assume it's because I'm undeserving of it. It hurts to see people showing how fond they are of each other, especially when they share a friendship with me, or tell me I'm close. It hurts to see when people will active do stuff with each other, but never seem to want me involved. It hurts to send out messages to peeps whether to check up or be affectionate with, yet hardly see anything in return. It's hard to feel wanted if someone talks to me, but gives one worded replies, and show little to no desire to put something in a conversation, or an rp, or whatever the interaction is. It doesn't help, it doesn't work, and I still feel greatly unwanted. I don't even feel like I've explained it right or it feels whiny right now: I want people to want me. I want people that I know and care about to show that back. I get told many times I'm cared about by a plethora of people. I hardly see it being shown. I hardly feel like I'm wanted, or cared about. I don't feel wanted, or cared about, or even love most of the time. I'm being redundant, but I don't know how else to say it. I see groups of friends doing so much for each other, but I always feel like the odd one out. I have my own server even and I sometimes don't feel wanted in it, or that people care about it due to being inactive often. I feel like I'm constantly doing something wrong, and never know how to fix it. I feel like I'm constantly failing the friendships that I spend years making. I don't feel important to those who tell me that I mean so much to them. I completely understand when someone says they are busy, have plans, not up to it due to mood swings, work draining them, family stressing them out, life throwing another hurdle, they are shy, they don't know what to say, or whatever logical reason it is. The thing that has lost me friendships in the past by people who put me over the top, people who put me on a pedistool, is that they never communicated that with me; heck, they hardly communicate with me at all yet will tell me I mean THE WORLD to them. That only hurts me when I'll be waiting for days, sending too many messages, and never seeing a response, yet see them doing stuff with others consistently. It's that feeling when your best friend in person never texts you but is always on their phone. Oh wait, that's happened to... I still don't feel like I've communicated it enough for a vent, that I haven't said enough for people to get how I feel; looking back it kinda looks like a redundant mess. However, there are ways I try to show I don't want others to feel like this: It's why I will sometimes do message bombs on discord and telegram, to give people someone that's willing to message them. It's why I have way too many pets, partially to have people who will do as I say, but mainly to give people someone that will care about them regardless of what they do, and someone willing to spend time with them when they need comfort, same for online children and so forth. I have several friends listed in a group to show that: "Hey, I want to let people know that these individuals are awesome." I overly care because I don't feel cared enough for, only to hope that it's shown in return. ....it's never enough to make me feel better about myself. Even if people show gratitude for my kindness, it never feels shown enough to make my mind think I'm doing something wrong, and that I'm truly cared for. It brings out my jealousy. My jealousy to see others who do basically nothing, or just been around a long time, or are even dickheads, or don't know how to respond to people who care, just have so many people wanting to be around them at just their presence being known in a group. It affects my bipolar, leading me to fluctuate between emotions, and stresses me out, and probably ignore a group for awhile. Then I keep feeling like I'm not doing enough even after I spread myself thin, that I don't put enough effort into friendships even after I've mentally exhausted myself, that I am not able to be good enough like the people who are. It feels like I will have someone interested in me for awhile, but I always do something annoying, or irritating, or insulting, or SOMETHING WRONG and suddenly, I'm not so interesting anymore...I don't need the "friends will come and go" thing because I fully know well about that, but I seem to never have any true ones staying beside me for long... Guess one other thing to get off my mind is if I do something hurtful, most of the time by accidents. Whether it's an intended joke gone awry, or that it wasn't received well, or something hurtful I said, I will try to be straightforward with a genuine apology, realize that hey, I said something stupid and they didn't like it, so I will try to let them know that I realize I was in the wrong, and will try to not do that stupid thing again. Sometimes it works out, they understand I didn't mean to intend hard, and sorry about it regardless, but more often than not, people will stay mad at me, and will be harsh to me then and there, or flat out leave me. It seems I can never be mad at another, because I'll lose friendships: If I'm upset at something someone did or said to me, I'm in the wrong. I'm either whining, or being too sensitive, or not able to take a joke, when it really it's I didn't like it, and seems that me not being happy about something doesn't matter to another, and I'll just have to either take what they say, or lose the friendship, cause my emotions don't matter. I don't matter, as long as the other person is happy... So it feels like I never do enough, not worthy of other's time and attention, other people are always happy to see one and another, but not me, people can be angry and hate me however they want, but I'm not allowed to be upset or else I'm just even more alone. I'm always feeling alone. There's no one there that actively shows me that I'm not alone, no matter what, and seems like it'll never be the case. So, I do my best so no one else has to feel like I do every day of my worthless life. ....This is why I don't like venting publicly, cause all my mind is telling me now is that people are gonna brush this off as an attention grab, something that a bunch of people already deal with so why should I complain thing, or try to say something that is pointless and obvious to me, but does nothing to aid in my mental illness. Sometimes all I need is comfort and affections, and that's the last thing people think to do, and watch the problem continue.

9.5.19

I just do not fucking want to.

Look, I don’t fucking want to okay? This is the post where I rant all about my first world problems, privilege and I guess straight-up laziness on the subject of working. Look I know I’m a whiny ass bitch. But sometimes you just need to complain about your life no matter how grand it is.

I’m thankful and grateful for all that my life is but let me fucking complain because I am fucking exhausted, tired, fatigued, drained and stressed.

But it’s only my fault. My fucking fault. Because................... I just do not fucking want to work at all. So because I do not want to fucking work at all, I procrastinate on actually working. Which in turn makes everything worse because then you feel behind, overwhelmed and basically IN TROUBLE.

And what happens when you feel overwhelmed? HAHAHAHA YOU DO NOT WANT TO FUCKING WORK AT ALL AND THEN YOU PROCRASTINATE. It’s a deadly cycle. It also sucks that I can’t completely focus on MY OWN SHIT because I have the urgency of someone else’s work on my mind.

This is my fault. I will shove work to the last possible minute. Give me something that I absolutely detest and watch what happens.

Work sucks. I guess all work in general sucks, but it is possible to create meaningful work and be paid to do so, so that’s what I'm trying. But in the meantime, I have to do this boring ass, meaningless, pointless ass shit.

For no good reason other than $45 an hour. You know what? sometimes the money isn’t fucking worth it. I rather fucking starve than to waste my time doing something fucking boring.

But the food is good. I can’t starve my children. So I have to work double-time. One on pointless shit that pays me now. And two on meaningful shit that will pay me later, if at all. 

And that’s another thing. I literally take giant dumps on myself and put too much on my plate at once. I want to do more for my dream biz, but I can’t handle the workload on top of the soon-to-be-EX biz.

But I guess I’m going to continue wishing for the stars and overloading my day while feeling like a failure by the end when nothing gets done. That’s my life right now!

It’s fine. I just have to remember that as soon as my dream biz makes money, I can quit. If I get the stupid work over with as soon as possible, it won’t be on my mind anymore and I can chill in my dream life. That I can totally do three challenges at once. Because I am a god, superwoman, perfectly productive time management guru, who has never ever missed a deadline I swear. <in case you are thinking I’m psycho, please be rest assured that I am fucking joking. I am not a god. I am a fucking GODDESS> xD

Please tell me “welcome to being an adult.” Please tell me “that’s life.” That “everyone needs to work a job they hate and that’s that.”

Please let me punch you in the fucking face. You don’t have to be miserable working. There is a fun way to do it. I see it all the time. It’s not sunshine and rainbows because it’s hard work, but it’s work that is enjoyable. It’s work that you lose yourself in and that you didn’t mind being lost. You didn’t mind that you spent 10 hours working because it felt like 5 minutes.

It’s fucking possible. I see it. I know it’s there. I haven’t figured out all the pieces yet. I haven’t made it number one priority yet. I haven’t dedicated the time yet.

But I’ll figure it out. And I’ll get there eventually. Because it’s going to happen. I refuse to surrender and I refuse to let anyone tell me otherwise. Just because the normal person has given up and surrendered to a life of meaningless work doesn’t mean that I should.

I’m fine.