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Goodbye, Bro
Written: April 27th, 2020 6:15AM
I'm quitting Tumblr.
I've been on here for TEN YEARS. A whole decade.
I don't want to update this place anymore. I don't want to keep it up. I have other blogs to manage.
I'll probably still do my resolutions every year, but that's it. Maybe I'll take an extended break. Who knows?
Anyway. Ktrxs.com will be something different. I'm grateful for this Tumblr. It's award-winning! It got me a scholarship to college. It let me explore both coding and blogging. Literally both parts of my career today.
Here is my blogging history.
Here is the new KTRXS
Catch me on cresmer.io and ktcresmer.com.
I love you š
P.s. meat is murder and go green!
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3.27.20
Okay yes Iām still having a good time. I am not going to be ashamed of finding joy and happiness in these times. I have had too many sad days. I am not going to be mopey through this thing.
Of course, I am still worried about things. Weāre probably in a recession. Now. The last recession didnāt matter to me. I didnāt quite understand what was happening. I was a kid and I didnāt have to know anything. But now... I am an adult with bills.
And you know what? Iām not even worried about that because weāre good with money. Budgeting is a breeze. We live below our means. I am 95% positive that website developers are recession-proof. The only major thing that could happen is Brandon losing his job.
But can I voice a secret? We will be 150% fine if he lost his job. Iām not worried about it! Itās been so nice having him home.
The number one thing that is currently worrying me is food. Like the fucking shelves are empty. And Iām not fucking sorry to say I am not surviving off fucking candy and frozen meals. Itās not happening. I need rice and beans. But of course, when people are dying is the time where people all of a sudden know how to cook dry beans and rice. When they actually want fiber.
Thanks!!!
So Iām debating on spending $400 on getting a bulk order from a store in Michigan who might be the only store left without food limits. Of course, theyāre out of rice, but they still have barely and oats. Thatāll do.
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Iām getting shit done today. Iām not dealing with pettiness, complaining, annoyances or drama.
My list includes:
Finish book
Teah to vet
Minimize and clean desk area
Budget
Bike ride
Doms project
zero waste challenge
research recessions
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3.26.20
Quarantine Day 3/4. Honestly I canāt tell how any days itās been.
Is it awful that I am fucking loving the quarantine?
For one, nothing has changed for me. The only time I go out in public anyway is to go to the grocery store, the vet or to exercise outside. So about once a week xD
And weāre not under lockdown here, so weāre still able to go outside. So pretty normal for me there.
But what is different is BRANDON is home!!! And Chad is home! So itās been a really fun couple of days.
The other night, we were playing basketball until it was pitch black out and then we played hide and go seek in the dark. Then last night, we took it to the James Gang and played this town-of-salem-ish game. And when it got dark... hide and go seek in the dark.
Today weāre thinking about going to a national park since theyāre free right now. But...Ā I donāt think Iām going to risk it. Just in case, ugh!!!
But other than the restrictive day trips life is pretty normal. For now.
Although I canāt find a bag of fucking rice to save my life and my bidet won't be here until the end of April, but itās all good in this ādyerā hood.Ā
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Almost done the book. Iāve been taking time off of it because I havenāt been getting up early for fucks sake. damn. But I need to finish it today and tomorrow. Monday starts me and Brandon working together until he goes back to work. Weāre going to knock DECODEING out together. Get that up and running and then I am going to edit and publish the book in time for Earth day.Ā
I am not going to the Earth day festival. It hasnāt been canceled yet but Iām not risking it. AinātĀ no way in hell, son. I love how I am now able to enable my social anxiety. lol!
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But seriously stay the fuck home during this time. Brandon has canceled going out to hang out with friends. These fucks are STILL getting together for nerd nights and thought Brandon was crazy. THEYāRE THE CRAZY ONES.
STAY THE FUCK HOME
If you are still allowed, you can go outside and get some fresh air. but do not do it with others outside your household.
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This is the worst pryamid scheme alive and I donāt want any parts of pyramid schemes.
One person can pass it to others who can then pass it to others and so on. Then of course, you have to pay a price to be aĀ ādistributorā but this time itās in a form of a serious sickness. THEN you get fucked and bankrupt in the end of COURSE because you miss work, countries shut down, you lose all your friends because no one wants your shitty product.
I can go on. But you do not want to end up on the bottom of this pyramid because youāll definitely make zero money and youāll probably die because the hospitals will be maxed out.
STAY THE FUCK AT HOME
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3.15.20
Bro. Iām tired. I wrote 20,000 words in the last week. I was supposed to be done yesterday, but I took two days off.
Oh yeah, Iām writing another book. This time, itās not going to take to fucking years to publish. Fuck that agony shit. Iām done pushing things off.
I am deeply hurt. And the pain becomes more real the closer I get to March 18th. Just a reminder of how far off my dream is. If it will ever happen. I havenāt told them yet.
Theyāre still getting ready and planning for it to happen. I have my cousin texting me that he doesnāt want me to leave so soon. I have my uncle telling me not to commit that far out because Iāll be gone.
Welp. I wish, fuckers. But unfortunately.
Everything was perfect except for the timing. If we had another two months. Even just an extra month.Ā
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2.18.20
Sick as hell fam.
One of the very few downsides of living with the family and a bunch of f****** minor brats, is that your close to a bunch of disease.
One of the reasons why I literally cannot stand children is because they're all diseased. And they are very disgusting but that's besides the point.
All last week Autumn has been sick. Actually Chad has been sick for the last month but I'm pretty sure Autumn has the freaking cold that I have now.
Nothing too bad though. I just feel drained all the time, my nose is constantly clogged yet running at the same time, sneezing and yesterday I had headaches all day.
No big deal.
But it's so funny because the whole house is sick. And I saw Autumn in the kitchen yesterday. She said, "yesterday we came down for lunch and Mommy gave us a banana, a whole pack of saltine crackers, a cup of orange juice and then shipped us upstairs."
Lol, that was very funny and cute š
Mom is doing the BOAT diet or BRAT diet. Basically when you're sick, just consume Bananas, Orange juice, A pack of saltine crackers and Tea.
LMAO!! I have no clue what the letters mean and they change with each uneducated/unqualified blogger that I find.
So essentially the kids are getting that and a shit ton of medications.
I don't do medications. Unless I am going to fucking die, I will not pass that shit through my mouth, ass or any other cavity.
I think people are babies. They get a slight headache, a little runny nose and want to get doped up.
But then you're making your sickness twice as long.
Instead of powering through it and letting your body heal itself, you are now giving it another job to deal with the reactions of this medication and the side effects.
You are basically like, "yo. I know you have this important job to heal me. And I WANT you to do that ASAP because it's uncomfortable as hell. But... I'm still slightly uncomfortable with this so can you also put a temporary relief bandaid on the wound every 4-6 hours?"
Then your body needs to do three things at once, and it's not effective at all.
_------+--+-----++-------_
This year mom wants to just combined everyone's birthdays together because she's sick and tired of having big birthday parties every week.
Essentially we have three birthdays in February and that would mean three parties.
But since everyone is combining this year, Mom and Chad had our party together.
Mom didn't really want to participate, so only me and Chad had individual cakes.
So because of the sickness going around, no one wants to eat cake with other people's spit all over it.
So mom made a big, main cake. And then baked some cupcakes.
I got six cupcakes and Chad got six cupcakes. I put them together and then frosted the top of them to make them look like mini cakes.
They were so cute.
And holy hell did my mailbox blow up this year.
I think I got about 12 cards. Literally every single person in Brandon's family sent us 3 individual cards. One for my birthday, one for our anniversary and one for Valentine's day.
Their commitment to cards it's like something I have never ever witnessed.
I still will never understand why people will send out Valentine's day, St. Patrick's day, and Halloween cards.
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I'm a little fucked but that's okay. So essentially...
I'm getting sued again. Literally LITERALLY right before my RV trip.
It hurt. It fucking hurt to pull $650 from the RV fund.
Perfect timing to fuck me over š¤£
Also these fucks were not going to tell me they are suing me. I had some random lawfirm contact me like, "we noticed you have a docket open in the state of PA. Need help?"
I checked the case search and it was there with a court date fast approaching. Like what the actual hell?
So I called my lawyer right away, but he's not doing these cases anymore. So now I'm with the same firm but different lawyer. Which is fine but ... Ugh i guess I'll rant about that later.
_--------_----------+Ā±---------++++Ā±_
So yeah. Still sick. Getting sued. Uncle Mike is sick with no appetite so I'm essentially fucked with the weight loss challenge.
But I made bread and I'm getting RV so two resolutions are done-ish
I'm here, and I'm queer. Let's do this!
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1.31.20
Last day of January.
Iām hungry for more than food.
But also I want food.
I have about two hours of work left before brandon comes home. and thenĀ im off. this is has been better.
yeah i dissapear at 2pm, but the family will get over it lol. its been good
i have to be more diligent with eating. yesterday i was starving at 2pm when i was supposed to go to sleep.
that made me add a half hour to the time when i got in bed and fitbt says i didn go to sleep until 3pm. and ive been groggy all night.
but its all good. im adjusting still.
im actually using this to procrastinate lol.
i went to missouri yesterday to pick chad up. i canāt wait to be on the road and visit other places. the dream isnāt too far off now.
my bank gave me a fucking scare today. i logged in, and the account names were different. and they read $0 each.
okay thanks.
WTF.
but they were updating or some shit.
fucking scary
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1.30.20
Damn Jan is almost over.
But also.... IāM NOCTURNAL.
LOL, you may think I should kms rn, but fam.
My goal for the longest time has been to wake up at 4am every morning. and for the majority of 2019, that has been a reality.
However, with the house of distractions, itās still not working.
I rely on the flow-state of work. Basically itās a state where youāre in the zone and stay there for hours cranking shit out.
It takes about 45 minutes to get into the flow and once youāre interrupted, you have to start over.
So by me getting to work at 4:30-5am every morning, it takes about to 5:30ish to reach flow. But then something magical happens at 7am. Kids wake up for school.
And they donāt start until 9am. So thereās this 2 hour period of loud noise, screaming, barging in and out of my room, etc.
I donāt mind the kids. But my work is being affected. Then it takes until 10ish to get back to flow. And then 11am is lunch time!
Yay more interruptions. And of course, 1pm comes around and school is out and I go for a bike ride.
After thatĀ bike ride, the last thing I want to do is to get back to work. Also since school is out, the house is constantly loud until bedtime.
If you kept track, thatās about 5-6 hours of work with 2.5 hours in a flow state.
And thatās on a good day.
Itās not working.
On the other side of the coin is Brandon. Heās nocturnal due to his job. I wake up at 4am, heās at work. He comes home at 8am, Iām trying to work. He goes to sleep and wakes up between 6-9. And I go to bed at 8pm.
So, thatās not much to spend time with each other and we sleep alone (which was amazing at first because i could sleep diagonal, but I eventually just went back to my normal sleeping position xD).
So, I made the decision to go nocturnal with him for the time being. The last four days has been so fucking rough.
Iāve been trying to stay up all night without fail. I absolutley fucking hate staying up all night. It hurts. I donāt know how I did it all the time when I was younger.
But here I am today! My schedule is 2pm-10pm. That leaves me enough time in the morning to spend time with Brandon and to go for a bike ride. Brandon will go to sleep before me, but Iāll follow an hour or two later.
Iāll also get up as theyāre leaving for work and thatās when Iāll work!
Being nocturnal will give me 8-10 hours of straight, uninterrupted work time.
My task is to get as much shit done as possible before the morning rush. And then take off when Brandon comes home.
For now, this will be great! The only thing I was concerned about was my 4am. In the future, I donāt want to be nocturnal. I want my 4am time. But honestly getting back to 4am is as easy as sleeping in for a few nights!
So thatās my rant yo.Ā
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1.15.20
A lot of shit has happened.
1. I own an RV now. I pick it up in March.
That's basically it.
I've been dreaming about making it ours. I'm finally going to have the mini kitchen of my dreams that I've been wanting for such a long time.
The babies are going to have a cat playhouse room.
We're somehow squeezing Brandon's massive TV in there.
It's going to be so magical. I've been waiting for this moment for almost an entire decade.
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1.7.20
So Iāve had like no energy today at all. I woke up and I like the RV movie because guysā¦
My dreams are literally almost here Iām not exaggerating.
I put an offer in on an RV and if that falls through, we have a good chunk of change and we are actively looking.
I think I need to drink more water. I felt low energy and unmotivated.
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1.6.20
Today was good! I didnāt get my todo list done, but I have some things thought through and figured out.
I cannot wait for my dream to come true! Itās almost here I can fucking TASTE it!
I might have it by my birthday. Iām talking to the dealership. Things are happening.
I am so fucking excited, I cannot contain myself. But... I still still to pull about $1,000 out of my ass.
I got this. I just have to work harder.
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1.5.20
So today I was cranky I got enough sleep but I couldn't get anything done because I promised Sonia I would do her hair and it took hours And I'm not even half way done yet Never doing this again. I am not good with this type of thing But Disney+ has the proud family finally so we watched that. Sonia likes it!!
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1.4.20
todayās been a good day so far.
Iām gong to finish up my work and relax. Iām hoping to get 8 hours tonight. That would be amazing.
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Animals are being burned alive in Australia and I canāt stop worrying over them. I hope that Kangaroos donāt die out.
I knew it was bad, but I didn't know it was half a billion bad. Even though I got that figure from a picture, so I'm not sure if itās accurate.
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Iām going biking again today. Day 4! Itās really nice to have a bike buddy. Itās more motivating.
I also gotta clean my room. but i better get back to work bc im procrastinating.
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1.3.20
Yoooooooooo I'm going to fucking bed fam. I'm so tired I didn't have a productive day today. But I went biking and then shopping. Ugh it takes forever But also my Walmart finally got kimchi restocked and bitch you know I bought every single fucking one they had. Those fuckers better have more in the back. I just sent a message
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1.2.20
Today was a good day and it was all so stressful. I have a lot to do business so I guess but that's okay. Other than that I had a good lunch date with Brandon. And I had a fun bike ride in the rain with Uncle Mike. I have so much to do and of course I'm late to bed again tonight. I've been averaging 5 hours every night but you know what fukk sleep.
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1.1.20
YOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
New Year, New Queer
JK same queer.
Anyway, Iām not going to be a militant resolution bitch this year. It never works.
So, I have some goals, but mainly my 3 are:
1) RV 2) Make bread 3) CRUSH UNCLE MIKE IN WEIGHT LOSS COMPETITION
Other than that, I do have some goals for 2020. Get in a better financial state, advance career, lose some weight and MOVE INTO MY DREAM HOME (RV!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Thatās literally it.
12 Sentences of 2019
January - I canāt really remember because I was couch-ridden, but I do know I was suffering from death anxiety.
February - I had a cute anniversary where Brandon got me my favorite hoodie and we played games while it snowed.
March - Canāt recall this month either, but I know things were looking up.
April - I went down to Tennessee for a long ass time.
May - I was still in Tennessee and decided to say, fuck it, and move down there.Ā
June - I reluctantly had to go home.
July - Packed up a place, had my first gallbladder attack and sold my house.
August - Moved to Tennessee, went to an awesome beach and immediately felt happier living my best TN life.
September - I started my zero waste challenge and had my last gallbladder attack.
October - LMAO I have no fucking clue what I did in October, but it was probs pretty great.
November - I really started focusing on my business, I started meditating and omg, I donāt think I have depression anymore. Everything is so much better and I actually WANT to work.
December - Honestly, Iāve been loving just hanging out with the family.
Now somewhere in there, I finally had my first Chipotle which caused an ADDICTION ANNNNNDDD I FOUND A PIZZA PLACE THAT MADE DELICIOUS VEGAN PIZZAS LITERALLY RIGHT BEFORE i MOVED.
I also lost 10 pounds in the whole year haha!!!
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12.17.19
You know? Sometimes comments bother me.
But Iām working on letting them flow right off me. Because NO ONE but me knows who or what I truly am.
And right now? I am so damn happy.
I canāt even explain it and sometimes I canāt believe it. I AM HAPPY!
I donāt have depression anymore I SWEAR!! I mean.. again, I donāt have an official doctorās diagnosis, but I donāt feel that cloud. I donāt feel depressed!!
I actually love waking up and I love where I am in life and where Iām going.
Itās incredibly moving to me to feel like this.
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I got rid of my first handful of items yesterday. Iām a minimalist. I have gotten rid of so much stuff. But yet... I still have alot.
Hmmmm
But itās all going away!!! I am even taking pictures of diary pages and burning the books.
Brandon and I are going through the boxes tomorrow. Weāve been here for about 4 months. And we have a āgarageā (just a corner of our room) filled with boxes.
When we packed up our house, I seperated everything into two piles. To keep packed and to unpack.
The boxes in the garage are the keep packed pile.
We were saving it for our house.
It has house stuff. Kitchen stuff, bathroom stuff. But a lot of random stuff.
Honestly if we havenāt used it in the last 4 months, Iām on the side where we say fuck it! WE DONāT NEED IT!!!
So I cannot wait to pare down those boxes.
I cannot wait!!!!!!!!!!! UGH!!!!!
Iām looking at a million rvs everyday. My heart has always been set on a class A moterhome.
Brandon like the idea of a 5th wheel/camper and a truck.
Now, with the motorhome, weāre going to pull our car behind it.
With the truck, we have to sell our car.
Those decision will be made when we save up.
Our budget is $10k for the RV and then we need upgrade, maintenance, replacement and REMODELING money.
Because you know ya girl needs a white interior.
So Iām hoping by next year, we will get things done :*
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12.16.19
AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Yesterday was basically the best day of my entire life because Teah went on my lap and cuddled me not once, but TWICE! and the secod time was for 3 hours.
I loved it so much and booked an appointment for another cuddle session at 2pm.
So Iāve been working towards getting this house for the last 6 months.
But it hasnāt felt 100% right. For one, we want to build our own house on a large piece of land. Yeah that house is beautiful, has a whole acre and itās seriously remote and quiet, itās not 100% perfect.
The other night I went to drop my uncle off and it was 6pm. 6pm.
It was so creepy and dark outside and I realized that at night, I would be in a huge house by myself while Brandon works nights.
I would be constantly on edge.
The house is so beautiful and I love it so much, but a house is a lot.
It takes a lot of work to buy a house. And thatās not the thing that is killing me.
The actual thing is that owning a house fucking traps you. Exhibit A from my house I just sold: my family moved 12 hours away from me and I wanted to go so badly.
It took forever to actually get up, move and sell the place. Forfuckingever.
Because youāre trapped.
And yes I believe house ownership is better than renting and this isnāt my debate right now. Yes I could rent out the house and take forever to sell it.
Sure.
But itās actually a big distraction from my main dream. Since 16 Iāve dreamt of living in an RV with Teah.
Thatās it.
Earlier this year, Brandon and I were in agreeance that we would finally do it.
But then that house showed up. And honestly, itās procrastination because weāre scared of the unknowns of traveling full-time.
But if I get the house, weāre going to be so wrapped up in bills that weļæ½ļæ½ll never get around to getting an RV and traveling.
So we have to do this now. We have to think of better solutions for our babies. We have to go.
So Iām getting rid of all our stuff. Iām changingĀ āhouse fundā toĀ āfuck it fundā
Because. Fuck it. This is happening.
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