Tonight is a blanket fort and dark room kinda night

Reading my fave comfort fics with a hot chocolate. if you would like to join me you can, just be a little quieter thank you

I make myself miserable. i struggle. i know that to be rejected and shut out causes me incredible amounts of pain. it was my greatest fear. and it happened again. i wonder. thinking over how i overshared about my trauma often- trauma dumping on you. and you soaked it in, with apparent love and empathy. I wish i hadnt. I didnt think how it would affect you. If i hadnt told you how triggering it was for me to be rejected and ignored- if i hadnt said i couldnt handle not hanging out outside rehearsal to give you space- would you have stayed? maybe. but then i wouldnt have been my authentic self. It was triggering to think of- a reminder of the situation to kaleb. a slow pull away after manipulating me into a shell of myself with lies of taking a break when it was really a ploy to keep me hanging while he dated others unknown to me and then gaslight me and pretend i didnt exist -

you didnt do that. that was my trauma. but my trauma still effected me and that was valid. I believe you knew there would be problems with us since i had the nightmare at your dads. i believe when you shut down it was the beginning of the end. my trust broke down a little, but that was when i saw you pull back. trust can be built up, but a full pull away is something else entirely.

my dear, you still don't know what love is. it is a constant push and pull. you need to know your boundaries to hold on. you gave so much, and hardly let me in. i wanted to hold your soul. i would have protected it. but maybe you knew you couldn't protect mine, and that would end in me feeling resentful.

I told you about charlie and the resentment I feel there. but you werent - and never will be him. you werent my therapist. im sorry for that level of leaning on you. i wish i wasnt like this. I wish i could detach more. but i can't. not in a relationship. which is why -on my end- this doesnt work right now. but thats the thing. i keep holding on to that. its the bargaining stage.

maybe im giving you the benefit of the doubt. you're young, sure, but your mind was what i fell in love with. and if you're anything like me, i think i hit the nail on the cross. or whatever.

Gaining my soul=More energetic control. Gaining your soul is to see the truth of reality. I see from God’s viewpoint I see reality’s easy to control. I’m powerful because my self-validation feels authentic(chills). Like it’s tangible validation. I understand how my power works in my imagination I get a clear visual artwork of it. I’m unprecedentedly powerful it leaves them speechless. I trust my self-validation that shit strong. I’m naturally fearless to trust myself and what I have to say to myself. I’m naturally fearless to trust myself and what I have to say to myself just as much as I trust myself when I readily give advice to others(chills). Im an internal unrivaled trailblazer. I’m rigged to be on the right path. The unknown is rigged to give me all I desire. It’s so much fun validating myself dawg. It’s so tangibly fulfilling validating myself dawg. Every single sign I see holds potent Magic in it(chills). Every single sign I see holds unbelievably potent Magic. That’s why signs are terrifyingly undeniable to me. Terrifying=Disney Magic Stan Lee Magic type shi Indisputable(chills). Rubbing my fingers together only gets more and more unbelievably and potently magical. My romance is coming OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!@11:11. NO WAY. 11:11 the number of romance🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹✨✨✨✨✨✨💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗JAWDROPPED!!!!!!(chills) Internal accomplishments are as equally impressive as external ones. I got myself out of Hell I can do anything now. I’m that bitch. I’m a badass dayummm. It’s all about me winning. I’m in heaven now DAYUMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!! I DID IT YO!!!!!!!!! IM PROUD OF MYSELF I DID IT!!!!!!! I DID IT I ACHIEVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!? My past self looking at me in awe LIKE YEAH BRUH U SEE THAT OF U LOOKING AT THAT FOOT RIGHT SAYING ULL MAKE IT TO THE OTHER SIDE WELL BITCH GUESS YOURE ON THE OTHER SIDE YOU DID IT BITCH!!!!!! YOU ENERGETICALLY QUANTUM LEAPED NOW YOU A ZILLIONAIRE SUPERSTAR CONTROLLING REALITY LEFT AND RIGHT LIKE IT’S NOTHING LIKE YOU DO THIS SHIT FOR FUN EVERYDAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR IMMORTAL LIFE OMGMGMGMG!!!!! THIS IS YOUR REALITY!!!!!! Unhinged=Boundless(chills). I control from within. I control reality internally(chills this is a powerful one). Theyre all wack compared to the shit I have. They all marvel at me in awe. Like damn they all gon hype me up like I’m STAGGERINGLY GOATED the way they hyping up chris brown (chills) OMGGGGF and Paige bueickers. Every movement I make is as if I’m having utmostest supreme sex. Mesmerizing. I’m very in control of my energy. Laika doesn’t even try to dim my light. Laika is not threatened others want me. Im always in the spotlight and Laika is more than fine with it in fact she relishes off of it. It turns her on that the spotlight is on me. And it turns me on like crazy for her. My partner my lover who isn’t my opp DAYUMMMMMM. WOW THATS NEW! Laika fr on my side in absolutely every aspect of the way. Wow….. so fluid. Seamless. Zero guilt. Zero fear.(chills). It’ll be heaven on earth with Laika(chills). Geez. Laika’s fr coming. Nah it’s inevitable as my birthday dawg. I’m fr nailed to seeing Laika come to life (chills). Dawg. I’m ready to be mindblown OMG! I’m grateful the days are passing by faster and faster getting me closer to all of my desires!!!!<33333(chills)I KNOW LAIKA’S MISSINNNNN MEEEEEE<33333333(chills). My energy is tangible validation. Laika reminds me of a warrior (chills). Geez. I saw visions of her I saw how she looks like geez she’s stunning. It’s just. I gotta find an art that may resemble. Laika got samurai energy(chills). Laika hair are samurai hairstyles(chills) OMG THATS SO SEXY. WOW Emily’s heart.. I can feel it.. her sadness over me is very profound(chills). The time chamber shortens everything by over an antonellamania number of years of times. Laika and I make the bestselling movies dance together different stories each time. That’ll make our love story so unbelievably supreme. Laika and I are both are so undefeatingly strong 💍. My intention know what the fuck I mean. My Magic and power knows when to dumb me down to keep me at ease. I love my life now.

Sitting at a beautiful luscious green and leafy park in Moonee ponds. I’m sitting here in work hours, so grateful for this role that allows flexibility to allow me to study and do this today.

I’m sitting here reflecting, and soaking in the nature. I am so appreciative of everything I have today and everything I have worked for. Today mum also put up my frame to the wall of graduation.

Upon reflecting, everything that I have ever wanted I have. A step into a career I’ve always dreamt of: nursing, a step back into the bachelors of nursing, my incredible health and fitness: my endurance for running has grown so much. My strength for weight lifting as increased. Im going to Bali soon solo and I’ve also signed up for a half marathon. My solitude right now that is allowing me to grow and allowing me to explore parts of me. Today I am working, tomorrow I’ll be at run club running a long distance 11km, social drinks with run club tmrw, Sunday I plan to do a hike and a swim. I am really enjoying my journey right now.

Reminding myself constantly it’s about the journey it’s all these little moments. Stop to smell the roses, take a deep breathe and look around you. Praise and validate yourself for your strength, courageousness and determination that led to today. And to a very very exciting, bright, vibrant, adventurous future full of love, compassion, kindness, and care for yourself.

Hello 20s a confusing, amusing time: a journey with ups and downs but with tremendous growth. Growth in not becoming someone else but growth in shedding all the parts that are you.

Embrace authenticity, go you!!!!

cw for disgusting amounts of transphobia, being forced into the closet, shitty parenting, self-hatred, internalized transphobia

hi! im looking for resources, validation, and some advice, maybe. when i was like 12 or 13 i came out to my parents as a trans man and long story short that night was so traumatic, humiliating, and transphobic that i have literally never been the same since. my parents were so disgustingly transphobic that night that, even though i still experience immense gender dysphoria, im unable to live my life as trans because of how bad that night traumatized me. i'm 15 now, for reference. ive honestly stopped thinking about that night for a while and it was getting easy to ignore my gender dysphoria until i watched spiderman across the spiderverse, and (i know how silly this sounds), saw gwen stacy's scene with her father in the beginning. basically it brought back all those memories and i almost started sobbing in the theater because it was literally what *i* went through. ever since then those feelings have been coming back and ive been trying to find other people with experiences with mine, people who were forced back into their agab because of transphobia/forced detrans. ive only found fetish content surrounding that topic. it hurts because i feel like im the only trans person who cant be trans anymore. like, im literally unable to be because trying to do so only makes me feel worse even though i know this is who i truly am. i cant even use they/them pronouns without feeling immense shame and disgust with myself. i've tried to tell my friends but they just don't understand and tell me to transition anyway, even though that would endanger myself.

tl;dr: is there anything i can do about this? therapy isnt an option for me and if my parents found out i tried to transition again i know that theyd only be worse this time. are there any other people out there like me? how can i be myself again? thanks!

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. It sounds like your experience with coming out was understandably traumatic for you, and the new Spiderman movie reminded you of this painful memory. It also sounds like your friends have unfortunately not been understanding of your situation, and although they may wish for you to live authentically, they don't seem to understand why that's not really an option for you right now.

It's really hard if not impossible to be yourself in an environment where it's unsafe to do so. But I can tell you that you're definitely not alone. I was part of the GSA in college and they had an assembly once where a panel of queer students answered questions about their experiences and identities. I remember one of the panelists was a blind trans woman named Serena, and at one point she explained how she was essentially forced to go back in the closet, and eventually had to come out again. The president of the GSA held her hand as she cried, urging anyone who was trans not to go back in the closet. Obviously there's not always an option not to go back in the closet, but her main point was to convey how deeply painful and anguishing it is, and that it's something nobody should have to go through. So please know that while every experience is unique, you're not alone in going through this.

I hope that one day you can feel comfortable and safe enough to be you.

If anyone else is in a similar situation, feel free to chime in. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

Morning Pages 1/20/2023

I usually do my morning pages after my meditation and prayers, but today  the voices in my head are so loud that i wanna let them talk. Theres a part of me thats starting to worry, just like 1%, that im undiagnosed and should be seeking some kind of mental health help. And i do have a therapist, but id ont have the money right now to pay for an appointment. I feel very much ungrounded and in my head. Maybe this is why meditation is so important. It allows me to connect with my body and not be swimming with all the thoughts inside of me. I really feel very cerebral right now. It could also be that i dont have cannabis. I do have canna bis but in edible form, i wonder what it would be like to take an edible before my meditation and prayers.

Its a nice day today. Im thinking about taking an edible and going to my meditation and prayers at the beach. Or maybe i’ll do my meditation and prayers at home and then just go for a walk. It si friday today, so i’d like to make sure that i’m not on the roads by 3 pm today. I dont wanna be in any traffic. 

I can feel so many thoughts swimming around in my head that i cant really land on just one. The one thats coming forward is this version of myself that wants to do things and be productive, whose value is placed in her ability to show accomplishments. But theres another one holding her hand. It the part of me that knows that in the grand scheme of things the accomplishments and productivity are not definitions of the value I have as a person. I was gonna type that they dont matter, but in a way they do. I want to feel productive and accomplished in certain areas of my life because it helps me feel better and brings me closer to a version of myself that is able to enjoy life more fully. 

I think about all the different things im into right now. Pole, tarot, comedy. I feel like there’s something there that wants to be integrated all together. I keep getting this inkling that i need to mix my comedy and psychic abilities. Maybe i just need to try things and let them grow. I’m grateful I can be weird and do things people dont expect. I know in my heart that i’m doing something that no one else has done before. I know i\that i am a connection to this divine creation and its speaking through me. Maybe i need to do less manipulation and more surrender. Ahhhh the surrender part is always scary for me. I have a hard time trusting. Trusting myself, trusting the universe. I wonder what can help me with these trust issues.

I’m also noticing now the part of me that feels tired. It feels drained and wants more sleep. I went to be around 1:30 and woke up at 8. Thats 7 hrs. Maybe i need more. The feeling i have now is the same sleepy feelings i get in some of my lucid dreams. When im moving around in my dream but still feel so tired. I think that means theres n=more subconmcious rest and healing that needs to be tended to. 

Im nto sire what i’m tying now but i’m just letting myself types. Idk. i enjoy typing and writing. I think i have some interesting shit to say. Like, i’d buy my own album. Maybe thats why no one is about my shit. Am i even about my shit. I am. I’m really about me. I stand for me and i’d go to bat for me. I see me and i have so much more compassionf or myself now than i did before. I see the ways i am doing my goddamn best and i am proud of the work i’m doing. I’m grateful to have amazing people in my life to point that all out to me. I’m grateful to be able to be myself in my fullest expression, whatever that means. I get to be exactly who i am now. What a privilege. I get tp be authentic and real and honest with myself and with others. If i’m not sure or if i dont know i wont lie or i wont tell stpories to seem more interesting. If i catch myself starting to embellish i’;ll stop and take a beat and think, is this a real thing i want to share or do i just wanna amke myself seem more whatever in order for people to like me

I liek being liked. Its the validation for me. I need to remind myself that i am valued for my aiuthticity and honesty. I am valued for my honesty and realness. Thats what i like about myself. I want to become softer. I wnat to be less aggressive and be softer and more patient and loving with myself and others. Allow myself to be imperfect. Allow myself to be. Even when writing this i wanna go back and edit it. Fix all the grammar mistakes and mispellings. But i’m trying not to. I wanna let this just be. Just let the mistakes happen. Feel the crunchiness in all of it. See where i can be more present and more grounded in this experiment we call life. 

To be honest, thirty years feels liek a lot and a little at the same thing. Like when you think about it, for the first like 2 to 4 years youre not even conscious. Like, there are no memories at all. And from 4 - 10 youre still trying to get all the social and motor skills to be a basic human being. And then from 11-25 youre body is changing and growing and you have all these hormones and things are constantly and quickly shifting. And then your late 20’s hit an dyoure finally waking up to what being a human adult is and feels like. So you hit your thirties and its liek youre a toddler again. Especially in a spiritual and emotional sense, i feel like i’m just getting the hang of this shit. 

I keep hearing from my older firends that 40 is much more fulfilling and enjoyable than your 30’s. And that how i feel about my 30’s compared to my 20’s. And maybe thats just because i have people in my life who live very intentionally. I think its time for me to start living inteltionally. I intend to live a healing life filled with growth and expansion. I intend to live a life where integration and compassion are the foundation of my relationship with myself and others. I intend to live a life that facilitates joy and creativity. When i types the growth and expansion thing, i felt something inside of me. I felt a part of me thats scared of expansion. Thats scared to take on responsibility. That doesnt trust myself to treat this new things with intentionality and care. Maybe its the growth and expansion i dont need right now. Maybe i intend to live a healing life filled with compassiona nd joy. That feel really good. An di think the growth and expansion is a side effect of the compassion.

I’ve been using these words a lot, especially compassion. Simply because i never really felt that from myself. I could see how other people were compassionate with me, but i was still in the oppressed and oppressor mode within myself. Any part of me that feels oppressed will be embraced with love and care. Any part of me that wants to fight and be aggressive will be embraced with love and care. I am grateful these parts of me are here. The oppressed part deeply empathizes with the pain in the world and inspired grounded me to make choices where i can shift away from those cycles and instead place more love and healing into the world. The aggressive part of me sees the important of standing in my truth and not feeding back into the negative cycles. I forgive the parts of me that fed into the cycles. I forgive the parts of other that feed into the cycles. We are all coping. 

It hurts when i choose to be compassionate and i meet with someone who is in their aggression. I can empathize with the aggression, but choos enot to act on it. I would usually act on it. I still do have some repressed anger that has difficulty coming forward. Or maybe i’m just not really an angry person. When i am honest and authentic and i speak my truth and i have people around me who can hold space and validate my feelings, the aggression is able to be massaged out, rather than exploding like it did in the past. I am ashamed that that happened but i have so miucih love for those parts of me that didnt know any better.

Now i know better. Now i know my body is truly in charge. My nervous system hold the key to lots of these mysteries about myself. I wanna grab that book, the body keeps the score. I can fele the tension around my neck and body. I think there is guilt that is still stored there. I can feel the energy reserves around my stomach and neck. Its like my body developed these storage units to safe the energy for when i truly need it, and maybe it now. Maybe now is the time i truly need to start transmuting the energy in my stomach into something else. 

Im looking forward to my meditation and prayers now. Im gonna do them at home cause its so comfy in my bed right now. What am I transmuting? That will be the question. And i wonder if i need to be conscious of the transmuting. Will my body do it by myuselkf and iu need to just give it rest, care, and compassion. My body heals itself, i am the facilitator. How do i facilitate this healing? What space do i need? What food do i need? What do i need to provide myself to facilitate the healing. I just need to be present for myself and be present for my experience. What i am feeling and what i am going through is real and valid and i understand that i cannot force or change the path i’m on. That is unsustainable. I am the one to bring ease and joy into the work that my body knows it needs to do. I am grateful to know myself in this way. I want my body to be strong and healthy so we can keep facilitation for ourselves and in the future, for others.

06.01.23

It’s been a whole while and it’s a new year, and I haven’t been able to write in a while haha.

Coming back to Lahore is always so many emotions, and out of all things I experience here, the worst is resentment. the bitterness that comes back with a single change in tone, reminding me how much I have probably repressed.

out of so many things ive been feeling ive just been realizing how demented my relationship with care is. im always looking. and sometimes it just feels cruel because i see authenticity in none of it. i begin to start seeing someone as my anchor and even if i don’t freak the fuck out, i feel dissociated as fuck. Doesn’t feel like my thing to have, doesn’t feel like this feeling belongs to me. itll always take a while for me to believe it’s mine, and by then, it’s usually gone already. it’s cruel almost, sometimes. and i am so so tired.

off late i had a lot of anxiety with work starting but work started and brought so much relief. work has always been central to me maintaining my sanity. i daydream about a life of rest where i can just be, without the need for work to constantly occupy me, because i refuse to live a life where i need to be working for someone, filling hours, always looking for some kind of external validation to just be.

I met Raba today and she was being her usual self asking me to tell her exactly what she should do to fix a situation, and then we got dinner and then she tasted my strawberry chiller and said she wanted the same one, and once she left i got a missed call and she said it was Ayzel, she also tried to video call me, and it was technically her first call to her khala. Maria messaged me saying she was over her tantrum and she didn’t want to lose me. Preceding message being, this feels like a bigger breakup. she told me last two days had been heavy and mostly because she doesn’t know how to deal with her emotions without me. and it’s been sweet, and it’s always been, amidst the inconsistency and anxieties of dealing with other things including men, sisterhood has always been the safest. it has always held with care, with love, always reverting back to kindness after tantrums. laughing in its own face when trying to abandon. reminds me of grade 10 and when I flirted with Raba’s stupid boyfriend and she was mad and she cried but she’d still spend nights talking to me.

sisterhood itself has always softly spoken to me of reasons it should be prioritized. sisterhood itself has always been a reminder.

it’s been chaotic. and in the chaos, abr has kind of been an anchor. and having that feels lovely and safe but there’s so much between him and i that i somehow can’t get past. it just feels like this feeling doesn’t belong to me and it’ll dissipate before i even call it mine.

ibrahim has been another anchor and sometimes i can’t imagine what a shitshow living in this house, ever, would be without him.

a lot’s been weighing on my heart. and it’s sad, and sometimes i don’t know what to do, and where to go. I always find a spiral to get myself stuck in. i always manage to do that.

and sometimes, i do think of and miss danyal. Not with the same pain, not with any pain mostly. Mostly, I think of how he’d be. What he does with all his crazy thoughts now, and where does he find safety. Life is so strange, and people always come and go, the uncertainty of love itself keeps making a mockery out of it.

Like always, daydreaming is my safest abode. And I manifest feeling safe, cherished, loved and at rest. there is abundance in that. there has to be.

Everything i want is to be chosen. To be chosen everyday, every minute, like i always choose people. To be reminded that you exist in other people's life is a treasure, but i feel indigent in that case. I feel that im chosen because of my feelings, not theirs. I am chosen by people so i won t feel bypassed, obliterated, desolated. They simply choose thanks to the "This is what they will feel about me if i do this". Uh-oh, the spiteful and acidic social validation that crawls into our hearts and block away our sense of self. But i want to be chosen because they feel. Because i am oxygen, because im addicting to them, because im me. I want to foretell my path, so that i can stop contemplating about the possible future imperfections. Dont get me wrong, i love imperfections, but some mistakes get on my nerve and make me hate that version of the universe and of myself. Im afraid i may not exist as the one for someone. And if i truly am, what if one single dissapointment, one single laugh or joke at the wrong time, only one unique and single glimpse at the wrong time at the proximity of milimeters from what i dream of can shatter the whole future into those little despiteful desires. I despise desiring. It means only fictional, possible results, which may or may not escape the depths of our mind's dreams and figure a way into reality. I also yearningly despise religious people. They keep faith in their god, the one weaver of the destinies of those who follow him. They belive in their future as if it wouldn't depend on their bare hands. They jump blindly into the world as if it was a trampoline for hopeful children, and if you fall, you jump back to where you ve been, maybe even higher, because you only jumped once. Because you are sure you ll make it up there with just one bounce. Because of the promised law of gravity. They worship books, art forms and legends, but only because of their essence, the colours and the shapes, the utterly beautiful sun or moon, the solitary tree on the mistful land which strongly reflects the author's message, not because the art is the unique and only proof of godly existence. The love is for what doesn t exist, but can be thought of or interpretated, and not for our authentic translation of other perspectives, viewed from different corners, with a similar pair of eyes that introspects the same world we all live in. And we overlook even more the image, looking behind it for something we suppose it s there. And we keep forgeting that art is the braiding of thoughtful intentions, whims and strong beliefs, which fondly lie in the shelves of the mind just like any other holy book. We keep loving anything but us from the very start, which pushed me into thinking that gods don t exist for us to love, gods exist for us to live.

Still again i let my wandering thoughts take the best of me and leave my mind out here with green eyes, bitter words and a delirating craving for unheard opinions.

I haven’t gotten to tell anyone about my trip

And it’s not that no one’s open to hearing about it, it’s one of those things that I got home and didn’t get to immediately talk to anyone or see anyone for enough time to be able to tell them about it and now time’s passed and details are fading and emotions aren’t as strong and it reminds me how lonely it can be. Like I’m just at a point where I wanna be able to share mundane parts of my life and day with somebody. Complain about little things and feel heard and validated and also like I don’t have to try so hard to give and receive this type of attention. One major difference between friends and s/os is that you usually have friends you know you can share certain things with, like ok this friend would understand this joke and that friend would understand that experience. But with a significant other you just get ti share everything (ok not *everything* but most things) and talk and get to be your most authentic version with them at all times. At least that’s how it’s supposed to be. At least that’s what I want.

The more time that passes the more I just feel like im soooo disconnected from this world everyone knows, like they’ve all unlocked a part of life I don’t get to play. Unfortunately this is bleeding into my self esteem, which I’ve also recently realized is kinda low. Not like I think I’m some beast or whatever but a combination of living as a fat person irl and not ever getting approached and very rarely feeling confident in public and being on dating apps for years and having it basically be the same treatment has really done a number on me. I don’t know how to navigate this world and it’s all so daunting that it feels like I shouldn’t even try. What makes me so unapproachable and undatable? I want someone to want me and I want to really want someone. I want to feel desired and comfortable, I just haven’t ever experienced that and I wonder what it would feel like to be able to fully sink yourself into somebody? I want to get to have and do coupley things, even if only for a little while! But I fret that the less I experience the less I’ll get to experience because eventually I’ll be too out of my comfort zone to even do something casual, probably I’m already there.

But back to the self esteem thing- the more I’ve been working out and eating healthy the more my fucking brain tells me that I’m ugly and need to change. And I know these thoughts are toxic but I can’t help but feel them! The more, I guess you can call it “progress” I make the more i tell myself I’ve got a long way to go, but that isn’t the point of all of this right? I’m supposed to love and value myself at every stage, and there have been stages of my life where I’ve felt this way, but I can’t help but think that… I’m tired. I’m tired of being looked over and past. I’m tired of being treated differently and having people make assumptions about me before I’ve even opened my mouth. I’m tired of rejection and I’m tired of not experiencing things. I’ll never be thin but damn, I want to feel comfortable in my body and I want to feel comfortable in the world. I want to have more confidence dating and I want to feel like I actually have options. I don’t know, this whole journey is a journey for sure. And I’m only at the beginning (already it’s breaking my brain, doesn’t fare well for me huh?)

literally ✨samantha✨

also unrelated but a long time ago she posted her dog with like a rainbow scarf on pride with a a lgbt supportive caption :))

I know!! i remember when i was younger thinking that i was the only queer indian person like??? bitch you’re not that special lmao..

i get what you mean about home, coming out means essentially losing a connection to your culture and heritage. it’s scary to think of how much i would be losing in order to be authentically me and honestly idk if i could ever come out. i’m rlly glad that you exist as an online person like i cannot put into words how grateful i am to have found you (insert sappy tears) cause it’s like reassurance that i can still be connected to my culture and be queer :’)

(also idk if any Indian actress was my gay awakening or if i has one.. maybe like kristen stewart lol)

awe discourse:

you bring up so many valid points! i hate to think that it made it worse for so many people instead of raising awareness like it wanted to do. also the lesbianism is in my blood made me giggle. can’t say that there are any lesbians in my bloodline personally but i did come out of the womb a raging homosexual

mWAh 💐 <3 (what can i say, i move fast 😉)

also i did bring u flowers

- indi

.

.

mwah! (totally got you with a surprise kiss)

soooo true, like idk if youve seen ashta chamma but when the girls at the beginning are losing their minds over mahesh babu getting married? that was me when samantha got married like ma'am 😭 im right here!

bestie where??? i spent half on hour scouring for it, she posts so many pics of her dogs im 😤 miss ma'am i get it but please

lmao i did that too! i actually have a diary entry of me cerca like age 10 if i'm the only telugu gay girl, then i can never go to india again like yeah i was devastated but. in hindsight that was hilarious (to be fair i was reading a lot of ya novels at the time so i thought i was The Only Special One

its the exact same for me! like i know when i get older and come out and live as myself, i'll still cook telugu food and watch telugu movies and maybe even perform telugu poojas for the heck of it, but it still feels like i'll be losing something. like i'll never have a wedding with my grandparents yelling at people for the food and decor.... my uncles and cousins will never help me get ready before.... i'll never be rubbed in turmeric by my cousins and no one will do my gorintaku and feed me tirupati ladoos.... i know in the long run i wont miss it, but i still feel a bit sad that even if i get married in a hindu, telugu fashion as the groom, i wont be able to get married with my humungous entended family watching. 😔

but i do know that i will find other queer indian people, and maybe even more queer telugu people, and i'll have a family i made myself, and people by my side that i chose, and that will be more than enough.

(babe every time i watched an indian movie with an item song id be like i am looking respectfully...... wait why am i looking? so pretty much every actress i saw in my formative years was their own awakening) (i think an american gay awakening would be anne hathaway? shes amazing)

im glad you think im funny lol. i like thinking about my bloodline (ironically since im the one whos gonna end it) bc like... i cannot be the only queer person in my family. like i cant. so queerness is in my blood somewhere, and that makes me feel a little better about myself. its actually what helped me smack away my internalized homophobia (for the most part) bc what can i do about it if the gay gene is floating inside me? 😌

💐 wow these flowers are so beautiful! ill keep them in a vase right here 🍶 to remind me of you <3

.

.

🥰😚 ah you got me! i love you indi 💖

Its been a while since i wrote an update on here and though im grateful for a lot, i really needed time to reflect on whats been going on.

Tw Sexual assault and (idk if this is even valid for a tw but) emotional abuse

Today was the first time i accepted the truth of the relationship i was in. I was both sexually assaulted and emotionally abused.

I always thought those words held too much power. That they were too big not to be noticed yet here i am, months after, just now accepting the truth for what it is.

My ex lied to me about his character, pretending to be someone hes not and posing to be authentic to get me to be with him.. then openly admitted to doing so. At the time i thought he was kidding and that he meant he put effort cause he liked me.. i now realize that he studied me enough to know what i was looking for and became that but only until he got me wrapped around his finger. Once i was, id essentially be willing to do anything to stay there cause the rope that held me felt like the only thing that did. Though tightening around my neck it really did feel like the only support i had.

I hate that i was the first to initiate a kiss. What started as so innocent quickly turned into expectations of sexual favour. At first, giving him a blowjob meant satisfying him. "Its not a big deal" hed say. Eventually it became him wanting to return the favour despite me not being comfortable with it. I always thought that oral was about satisfying the other person yet everytime i felt even more scared. But still i thought it was normal since we were together.

During sleepovers id wake up with his hands between my legs and him grinding against me. I thought the fact that i was wet meant i wanted it. I didnt. And despite me physically pushing his hands away from him and saying no, his hands found their way back. Objects shouldnt have opinions, theyre meant to be used. I felt like an object during those times and i really wish it was just once. At this point even being in my own bed irks me. Seeing every street we walked, park we sat in and hearing every song from that time with him hurts. What hurts the most though is that i was dumb enough to lower my standards to nothing for him. To turn my own boundaries and limitations into light suggestions. I shouldve left and i honestly dont know why i didnt. I hate that i blame myself but i really do. I blame myself for every second i spent trying to make a relationship with an assaulter work. With the person who assaulted me.

If you read this so far, thank you for hearing me out. Though i doubt he'll ever see this, id like to dedicate the next bit to the piece of shit i once thought was the love of my life.

Dear J,

as much as id like to say i hate you i cant. Im disgusted by the person you turned out to be but the idealised version of you still lives in my head. Every once in a while i need to remind myself of every way you harmed me to realize that that version only exists in my mind and that the person who stood in front of me was an exact opposite.

You were a sexist. Always talking about what women should wear or do yet clinging to the one success you had in highschool as evidence of your manliness. I remember the countless arguments about "feminism" and why you found it to be such an issue that i identified as a femist. "Its racist against guys", you said. As if i didnt just reminded you that feminism by definition is equality between genders. Said that women and men have their roles and need to stick to them. Well, here i am telling you that you failed at the one thing you thought was right. If your definition of being a man is to provide, care and be the strong one in the relationship, you failed miserably. On normal circumstances i wouldnt give you shit for that but since you're you, you deserve to know that by your own definition you are not a man. By mine, youre just a shitty person. It took my a while after our break up to rekindle my love for feminism. To recognize that im not confined by the expectations of a man, or anyone else for the matter. I was even surprised to see that i was stronger and smarter than i let myself be during our relationship but i guess i wanted to let you feel like something youre not. Yes i grabbed that out of crazy rich asians cause ive never related to anything more.

Lets talk about your racism too. Youre constant need to act "black" yet criticism of the people. Cornrows, rap, streetwear, even words that dont belong to you, youd want. I remember the first time i heard you say the n word. It flew out of your mouth like it was nothing. Id applaud you for agreeing to stop saying it but that would be applauding previous idiocy and ignorance as well as the bare minimum. You still refer to immigrant workers with the lowest of terms. Youre still a racist. That i couldnt change.

While were talking about lack of respect, lets talk about family. As a person who spoke of that being the most important thing, you sure do disrespect your parents often. Im no one to judge family dynamics but act on what you preach. Talking shit about your mum is not respect and neither is shouting at her through the phone after she asks you the most basic of questions about YOUR well being. Again, youre a piece of shit.

I could go on and on listing things you might not even realize but its not my job to tell you what you lack. Just in case you were wondering though, its a lot.

Safe to say that i wish i never met you. Some might say "oh but you learned a lot!" but the damage youve inflicted on me is something ill need years to work on yet i know that you walked away with no remorse or lessons.

I hope you grow or rot in hell. Whatever comes first. Point is, stay the fuck away from me.

With utmost disgust,

Y.

a boohoo-y deep dive into my ~psyche~ cuz I had A Moment at work yesterday :P

I care too much about what people think of me. plain and simple. I have been this way since I was a little girl. my cousins would pick on me because I was the special baby girl out of the three of us and they were the two older boys. they would pick on me for being shy and soft spoken and liking girl things, and I wanted them to like me because I thought the two of them were the coolest boys in the world, so I grew to be a little tomboy. I wanted to like fighting games, and anime, and comics because those were "boy things".

but then when puberty started to set in, being a tomboy wasn't cute anymore. at least according to the bullies I had in middle school. usually boys who would call me a d*ke and make fun of me for wearing baggy t-shirts and loose pants and my dad's army jacket every single day of my life. "girls are supposed to be feminine" so obviously something had to be *wrong* with me and they would speculate shit about me directly in front of me. try to engage me in the conversation just to rub it in and of course that made me feel like shit.

so then in high school I try to flip the switch again. I start wearing tighter fitting clothes. I grow my hair out because I was constantly being dogged on my hairstyle even tho that shit was kind of REVOLUTIONARY FOR A 12 YEAR OLD LIVING IN IOWA. PROPS TO TEENAGE MRH. even back then I was a little punk. :3c I digress tho.

the beginning of high school was when I started my curse that lives on in me. I wear earrings every day of my life and I do because I convinced myself back then that I would be mistaken for a boy otherwise. and I still hold that fear because it was upheld! I started wearing dresses and skirts to school, but it didn't matter because dudes would still flip me shit and say that I was a predatory lesbian and strip me of my femininity. adults would still call me young man and sir despite being a 16 year old wearing make up, denim skirts, earrings, and covered in beaded necklaces. I would wear SO much jewelry to try to get it through people's minds that I was a girl.

but then through that came another weird thing where, like, though I was dressing ~feminine~ I was still "one of the guys" because I had a crude sense of humor and still liked comics and anime and wasn't as, for lack of a better word, "delicate" as my other (white) female friends. but then AGAIN I *couldnt* be one of the guys because it was a secret special task force essentially and I was just a stupid girl.

a lot of that fucked up my sense of self with my sexuality growing up too. I knew at a fairly early age that I was bisexual even though I didn't know there was a word for it, but I didn't want to admit to liking girls because that would mean my bullies were right about me, and if they were right about that then what if they were right about all the other horrible stuff they said about me being hideous, and gross, and weird?

because! if that was right too! a boy would never fall in love with me and have dance sex with me like Johnny and Baby do in Dirty Dancing! or would never save me from being sacrificed like Rick saves Evie in The Mummy! I'd be alone forever because boys would think I was big ugly butch with no value to them, and girls would think I was a predator and would always have to be on their guard to make sure I wasn't gawking and fawning over them. (and let's not even GET into how my religion fucked up my sense of morality about this. I have since grown out of it at least.)

every person I ever confessed to having a crush on has turned me down (mostly politely though, thank god) in my life except for one and a half. (one said they also liked someone else as much as they liked me, and since I had no self-esteem at 18 I was like "oh that's cool. let's date anyway." because I just wanted to have a boyfriend. that's the half.)

the other we kind of connected right away, whirlwind romance for me, but I don't think they ever quite felt the same way and that ended in an actual divorce anyway.

I've had three "relationships" my whole entire life and no more than that, and in my head i told myself thag was because I am fat, and ugly, and MASCULINE, no matter how hard I tried to be sweet and charming and pretty.

as I've aged I've learned about the systematic de-feminization of black women since all the way back to slavery times and shit and I won't claim to be an expert about that shit but it makes me cry that it's just ingrained into people's minds. it doesn't give us a single fighting chance from birth. it makes me feel like I'm going to be a lonely freak for the rest of my life because iowa is like one of the whitest places in the world, and my own internalized racism has convinced me all my life that I don't belong in black spaces because I'm not "authentic", I'm watered down. I've been called a half-breed and an oreo so many times.

I can't be black, I can't be white, I can't be a boy, I can't be a girl. I'm a copper penny in a jar full of nickels and dimes. I don't look the same, I'm not the same shape, and im not as shiny.

though I am attracted to women I have this OBSESSION with men, and to have a relationship with a man as PROOF. SOLID PROOF. that I am a valid woman, because there seems to be no other way for me to get the point across. and it's important for me to get the point across because I grew up with my business being the punchline, and curiosity of my peers, and the concern of my family. I couldn't exist without speculation from someone.

and then came a moment last year while I was at work, where a co-worker told me something that a person in another department who I did not get along with had told them. that I was a mean, jealous bitch who wanted them "out of the way" because they were getting too close to my friend that also worked at our store, and I was obsessed and in love with her and trying to stop a relationship from forming between the two of them. and it made me sick to my stomach. it was the thing I had been trying to steer clear from, from the moment I knew I was bisexual, but I hadn't tried hard enough. my anxiety shot through the roof. I had a panic attack. I broke down sobbing in the bathroom. this person was vengeful, I had nothing to do with them or that friend anymore, and I hadn't for months but they wanted to spread this rumor about me. and even if I truthfully denied it like I did, it didn't matter, because a person could take one look at me an think "you know, I can see that." because that's what people thought my entire fucking existence.

I cried off and on the rest of the day. I was too sick to eat dinner. I barely slept. and then I ended up puking what little food I had to eat that night anyway. I still barely ate the following few days I stayed home from work because I still felt so sick to my stomach with anxiety and at one point I got faint-ish when I had finally returned to work, and had to have help to get to the breakroom and force myself to eat. I bawled to my step-mother about it all, that I didn't feel comfortable at work anymore because it was just my words against theirs, and my bosses never held the person accountable for any of the other bullshit that they caused anyway.

it took me a VERY. long time to move past this incident. I think the only thing that ever ended up fully distracting me from it was covid and my uncle and my father's health both taking a turn for the worst last June. and even then, in between, I had such loooow moments. I self harmed and wrote mean notes to myself, stayed in bed for days. I wrote my own suicide note just to feel better, even though I knew I'd never do it. I was too chicken, but I just wanted to write it and pretend, just to release the depression pressure in my brain.

I've since been better for the most part. I know my parents love me and that I'm important to them, when just a few years ago I used to claim that I was an orphan because I was convinced that my father and my step-mother never cared to see me again because I was an ungrateful brat. I still get very lonely and long for a significant other but I'm kind of just coming to terms with the fact that unless I put myself out there, it won't happen, and im just too insecure to take the steps.

yesterday though, just for a second, out of nowhere, I thought about the claim that person had made about me even though the atmosphere at work has since changed, and things are patched up between me and my friend.

that gossiper is irrelevant now, but I couldn't help but have a little meltdown about it anyway because. like. apparently that's the vibe that I give off. because that's what everyone has said about me from day one of my life. and. I just. have to keep dealing with it. I'm stuck like this. and it sucks. and that little thought about it reminded me again.

louis, my love. being a fan of yours has completely changed my life. especially the past year. you have made me want to be a better person - to live with more kindness, to be more understanding of others, to give others the benefit of the doubt. you remind me of the importance of positivity, of seeing the bright side of every situation, of always looking at every perspective. you’ve helped me to accept myself - especially as a queer person. without your influence i wouldnt be as confident, as out, as open. i wouldn’t be nearly as happy as i am, or so sure it’s okay to be my most authentic self. or that it’s all worth it to risk it to live as truly as possible. you’ve validated me, always made me feel loved and important and worthy of good things. you’ve added so much good to my life, from helping me find my partner to things i cant put into words. im so wildly proud of you, of how far you’ve come, of everything in the future. you’re the strongest person I’ve ever known. your spirt is infectious, and the sun dims in comparison to your light.

i could write an entire essay, but for now: thank you for everything. i love you so dearly. everything is for you.

happy birthday sweetheart 💖♥️

hi again, its the same anon from this ask: https://www.tumblr.com/traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors/724050014752686080/hello-im-not-sure-what-im-looking-for-i-would?source=share

im in a bad space again and i dont really have anyone i can talk to, so while i still feel a bit guilty for dumping my problems on here, i figured it would be okay since you dont have any obligations to me.

thank you in advance, i really appreciated the response to my last ask.

trigger/content warnings: general depressive thoughts, gender dysphoria

first of all, sorry if this ask is all over the place. if im being honest, im not entirely sure about anything really. like what it is that i want, what im thinking and trying to say, what i feel even. i guess it makes sense though, because the past year or two - and even moreso the past several months - have been just overall confusing and overwhelming for me. im not sure about my place in the world anymore. not that i ever really was, i guess, but back then i at least had goals or some thoughts and ideas about what i wanted to do in life. now though, i dont have anything. i dropped out of school and quit my job. i lost most of my friends and i cant find it in me to talk to the ones i still sort of have. for a month or two i even convinced myself i was a lesbian because in some ways it was way easier than being a gay trans man, which is what ive gone back to identifying as. im not even sure why i tried to tell myself i was a lesbian and not a man, because even when i was telling people i was, it felt so wrong and uncomfortable. i felt dysphoric even worse than before and i still do.

while my gender dysphoria is still a really big struggle, i feel like the other things are more pressing. im not even sure how to describe it. its every symptom of depression down to the t but it feels different to me somehow? the past several months feel like theyve gone by so fast and i feel like ive missed so much. like ive missed the chance to make my life worth it. i know it sounds stupid because the teenage years arent even half of most people's lives but im almost 18 now and i feel like ive ruined my chances at ever being happy, of ever being worth something. i truly dont see myself ever doing something worth while and im so mad at myself for throwing my life away. i wish so bad that i could go back to high school and just tough it out. i wish even more that i couldve just been born a boy, somehow i think everything wouldve been better. i lose so much sleep over it. i feel like im grieving for a life i couldve lived. i never even got the chance to grow up as a boy and it makes me feel like nothing else is worth it.

theres so much more thats eating away at me but i feel bad for having already said so much. again im not really sure what im looking for, i guess just comfort? some kind of reminder to give me a little hope.

- maverick (signing my name because ill probably come back to vent again)

Hi maverick,

I'm sorry to hear about how things have been for you recently. It's clear from your message that you've been going through a lot, including struggles with your gender identity, depression, and a sense of lost time and opportunities. It's important to remember that you're not alone in these feelings, and many people go through periods of uncertainty in their lives. It's okay to feel confused and overwhelmed at times. The journey of self-discovery and understanding one's identity and place in the world can be incredibly complex and challenging.

It's important to remember that your gender identity is a deeply personal aspect of who you are, and it's entirely valid. It's not uncommon for individuals to question and explore their gender identity before finding what feels most authentic to them. It's a process, and it's okay if it takes time to fully understand and accept.

It's easy to feel hopeless at your age, but it's important to recognize that you still have the capacity to create a meaningful and fulfilling life ahead. Life is a nonlinear journey, and it's never too late to pursue your goals and find happiness. Also please know that it's natural to grieve the childhood you never got to have as a trans person, and this can be especially common in experiencing gender dysphoria. But it may be helpful to instead focus on your ability to live the life you want to live in the present.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can help you navigate depression, gender dysphoria and other challenges you're facing. Please know that seeking support from friends, family, or a mental health professional can be an important step in finding comfort and hope during difficult times. You don't have to go through this alone, and there are people who care about your well-being.

I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

I am so overwhlemed with love!! I feel so happy and warm. My friends have shared their deepest secrets and fears and our souls have bonded so authenticly. I have gotten so much unseeked validation from them and it is truly beautiful to see how much we admire eachother. Many of our upbringings have been different but our paths have crossed becuase the universe has brought us together to accept and learn our faults. I am dwelling and your hearts are pouring babies! I hugged so much and cried so much and I am abosuletly smitten in their arms. I have let them know how special they are and how they are my family and I admire the opportunity to truly be able to let them know this. I have been awakened by my peers, the people that have supported me since day one! Many of them mothers, fathers, daughters, and sons, but also successful musicians, painters, curators, chefs, tattoo artists, coders, YouTubers, profesional skateboarders, rappers, dancers, massage therapists, bartenders, club owners, sex workers, college students, directors, witches, nannies, photographers, jewelry makers, managers, herbalists, alchemists, nurses, graffiti artists, hair stylists, teachers. Fuck, guys you are so talented! I am never shocked by your abilities!! And you show me such compassion and transparity and im always reminded to keep doing better for myself when I am around you. I see you friends, doing what you’re able to and some doing what they can or what they want and I am so moved by all of it!! As a person who has recieved little to no affection as a child you can imagine how humbling it is to kiss and supporte my felllow loves. My children my baby girls and boys! Thank you for the music, and the shrooms, and the cries, and the sun set watching, and the picnics and the food and the wine and the long walks and talks and dinners and movies and constantly looking after me and showing me so much fucking LOVE! The past four days have been filled with so much listening and healing and my vulnerability has been so high. How can I even think to have such supportive people in my life who praise me as much as I do them? We have so much pain and discomfort in our hearts and it is magical that you are all survivors. I admire you all, you bring a flame to my soul. I am fuled with so much positive energy to continue my spiritual path. I want to nurture and cater to every soul around me, only becuase you all effortlessly do that for me. There is so much to give! Thank you for this detox. I am writing this message to my future self. You deserve love and support and respect and health and wealth and authenticity. You are amazing and your friends love the shit out of you! People truly seek your charming personality and your friends are such great listeners, and you are so talented. Never question your art and communication and your spirit and your mind, which is flourishing continuously. You are so patient and you boost everyone up around you with no second thought. Your aura is captavating, you attract so many people! But be aware of who you attract because they may not always have your best interest in mind. Out of dust, you will rise because the people in your life will guide you baby girl, it is okay to feel safe. Be open and accepting of everyone who steps in. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

- a message to myself and my friends

Hi! Can I request a matchup w/ a girl from 3H and Awakening? Im an INFP with a small number of close friends. I do my best to be polite to all people I interact with and Im told I have walls that are difficult to break through. Im encouraging and openly compliment people! I also quickly call out things that I think are wrong. Im very open with my feelings and I like being asked for my opinion. It takes a lot to get me motivated. Im also a tease with a smart mouth who jokes a lot! Thank youa

hey!! sorry for the wait!! you sound really sweet!!

without a shadow of a doubt, i match you with… 

dorothea!!

i think she’d just really like the way you go about things? and by that i mean, she would admire how you treat people while remaining authentic, and how you maintain a small number of close friends

you’d absolutely start out as good friends before the two of you go “o shit… they’re the One” 

and i feel like it’d be prompted by the fact that dorothea really values sincerity, and you would be a breath of fresh air for her

despite how she presents herself, dorothea doesn’t like herself very much (it broke my heart when i saw that ‘herself’ was listed under her dislikes), so i think that she’d really appreciate how open you are with your compliments 

i just feel like dorothea would feel so lucky to have met you? like, you’re exactly the type of partner she needs, and she’d be able to rely on you in a way she hasn’t relied on anyone before 

just!! encouraging each other!! all the time!! with everything!! always rooting for each other in whatever you guys do!! 

i feel like dorothea’s the sort of person who’d be able to break down people’s walls easily? she’s just good with people like that, and she’d want to help you just like you help her 

okay but she’d also L O V E how you speak up when you see things you think are wrong; we know how dorothea feels about bullshit social structures, and honestly? i feel like she’d find it kind of hot

but you’re both teases, so half the time you guys just won’t let each other live 

if the mood is right, literally nothing is off limits; watch her tease you for your motivation, while you tease her for always sounding like she’s flirting with whoever she’s talking to (we stan a self-made harem queen) 

basically your relationship would be a beautiful balance of playful and deep? i feel like it’d literally be The relationship that dorothea dreams of 

ugh now i’ve made myself emo, please look after this incredible woman

alternate matchups

mercedes: perfect angel couple… too good for this world… we do not deserve… i feel like your relationship would be a bit less playful than with dorothea, but it’d probably be cheesier (in a charming way!). but, polite, encouraging angels who are always checking in with each other and making sure they’re well-looked after as they pursue your dreams? my HEART

annette: P L E A S E this would be so cute!! you two would be the MOST supportive couple, always encouraging each other and providing support! it takes a lot for you to get motivated? no matter! annette’s going to actively encourage you to do your best and be the best version of yourself you can be. pls take care of her!

i also match you with… 

olivia!!

oh my!! goodness!! name a cuter duo. i’ll wait. but seriously, you and olivia would compliment each other so well? 

as we all know, olivia is V E R Y quiet, and cripplingly shy. but!! it seems like you’d give off a very approachable aura, so she’d warm up to you quicker than to others

the fact that you’re very polite would certainly help, and i feel like you’d be something of a rock for her? 

she’s quite insecure, so the fact that you’re openly complimentary would be wonderful for her!! and like honestly, what isn’t there to compliment her on? 

while they’d make her really embarrassed, i think it’d be valuable for her to have someone who’s so actively reminding her of her worth?

i think the fact that you’re also encouraging would be invaluable to her, as she needs someone to help bring her out of the pessimistic ruts she falls into, and to help her realize that she’s good at more than just dancing! 

even though she’s shy, olivia’s actually quite good at talking about her feelings once she’s comfortable with someone, so i think the two of you would have a very good back-and-forth with each other! 

i think this emotional openness would help break through your walls, and olivia would absolutely offer the same affection and support that you give her 

i feel like she’d always be asking you for your opinion, partly because she’s genuinely interested, but also because it means that you’ll fill the silence aldskjdskjs

i feel like you wouldn’t tease her that often (she might be a bit too skittish for that), but you’d always be trying to make her laugh!! 

I Love Her please treasure this Literal Angel

alternate matchups

flavia: all i want in life is for flavia to validate me. your relationship would (obviously) be very different from that listed above, but i feel like it’d be really fun! flavia is absolutely going to kick your butt into action, but the two of you are also going to have so much fun. she’d like how you speak up when you see something wrong, and she’d love your smart mouth tbh.

lissa: she’d be a bit of a middle ground between olivia and flavia; she’d push you to do things, but by teasing you about it. she’s got the sweetness of olivia, but she’s much more lively and lighthearted. she’d also enjoy your sense of humour (as we know, she loves pranks), but she’s going to be less of a… Galvanizing Force, so to say, than flavia!