Its been a while since i wrote an update on here and though im grateful for a lot, i really needed time to reflect on whats been going on.

Tw Sexual assault and (idk if this is even valid for a tw but) emotional abuse

Today was the first time i accepted the truth of the relationship i was in. I was both sexually assaulted and emotionally abused.

I always thought those words held too much power. That they were too big not to be noticed yet here i am, months after, just now accepting the truth for what it is.

My ex lied to me about his character, pretending to be someone hes not and posing to be authentic to get me to be with him.. then openly admitted to doing so. At the time i thought he was kidding and that he meant he put effort cause he liked me.. i now realize that he studied me enough to know what i was looking for and became that but only until he got me wrapped around his finger. Once i was, id essentially be willing to do anything to stay there cause the rope that held me felt like the only thing that did. Though tightening around my neck it really did feel like the only support i had.

I hate that i was the first to initiate a kiss. What started as so innocent quickly turned into expectations of sexual favour. At first, giving him a blowjob meant satisfying him. "Its not a big deal" hed say. Eventually it became him wanting to return the favour despite me not being comfortable with it. I always thought that oral was about satisfying the other person yet everytime i felt even more scared. But still i thought it was normal since we were together.

During sleepovers id wake up with his hands between my legs and him grinding against me. I thought the fact that i was wet meant i wanted it. I didnt. And despite me physically pushing his hands away from him and saying no, his hands found their way back. Objects shouldnt have opinions, theyre meant to be used. I felt like an object during those times and i really wish it was just once. At this point even being in my own bed irks me. Seeing every street we walked, park we sat in and hearing every song from that time with him hurts. What hurts the most though is that i was dumb enough to lower my standards to nothing for him. To turn my own boundaries and limitations into light suggestions. I shouldve left and i honestly dont know why i didnt. I hate that i blame myself but i really do. I blame myself for every second i spent trying to make a relationship with an assaulter work. With the person who assaulted me.

If you read this so far, thank you for hearing me out. Though i doubt he'll ever see this, id like to dedicate the next bit to the piece of shit i once thought was the love of my life.

Dear J,

as much as id like to say i hate you i cant. Im disgusted by the person you turned out to be but the idealised version of you still lives in my head. Every once in a while i need to remind myself of every way you harmed me to realize that that version only exists in my mind and that the person who stood in front of me was an exact opposite.

You were a sexist. Always talking about what women should wear or do yet clinging to the one success you had in highschool as evidence of your manliness. I remember the countless arguments about "feminism" and why you found it to be such an issue that i identified as a femist. "Its racist against guys", you said. As if i didnt just reminded you that feminism by definition is equality between genders. Said that women and men have their roles and need to stick to them. Well, here i am telling you that you failed at the one thing you thought was right. If your definition of being a man is to provide, care and be the strong one in the relationship, you failed miserably. On normal circumstances i wouldnt give you shit for that but since you're you, you deserve to know that by your own definition you are not a man. By mine, youre just a shitty person. It took my a while after our break up to rekindle my love for feminism. To recognize that im not confined by the expectations of a man, or anyone else for the matter. I was even surprised to see that i was stronger and smarter than i let myself be during our relationship but i guess i wanted to let you feel like something youre not. Yes i grabbed that out of crazy rich asians cause ive never related to anything more.

Lets talk about your racism too. Youre constant need to act "black" yet criticism of the people. Cornrows, rap, streetwear, even words that dont belong to you, youd want. I remember the first time i heard you say the n word. It flew out of your mouth like it was nothing. Id applaud you for agreeing to stop saying it but that would be applauding previous idiocy and ignorance as well as the bare minimum. You still refer to immigrant workers with the lowest of terms. Youre still a racist. That i couldnt change.

While were talking about lack of respect, lets talk about family. As a person who spoke of that being the most important thing, you sure do disrespect your parents often. Im no one to judge family dynamics but act on what you preach. Talking shit about your mum is not respect and neither is shouting at her through the phone after she asks you the most basic of questions about YOUR well being. Again, youre a piece of shit.

I could go on and on listing things you might not even realize but its not my job to tell you what you lack. Just in case you were wondering though, its a lot.

Safe to say that i wish i never met you. Some might say "oh but you learned a lot!" but the damage youve inflicted on me is something ill need years to work on yet i know that you walked away with no remorse or lessons.

I hope you grow or rot in hell. Whatever comes first. Point is, stay the fuck away from me.

With utmost disgust,

Y.

I left the house today.

Im trying to get closer to God. I know its not everyones favourite topic but I've been wanting to improve my relationship with Allah for a while. Started reading Qur'an this morning and a classmate had the audacity to cut me off mid Aaya to tell me I look tired😭 of course I'm tired now let me be

Been going through it.. cant seem to find anything positive but i reported my plants and cleaned the apartment today

I finally found a whiteboard calendar! Been looking for a proper one for MONTHS

ALSO ITS THE START OF SPOOKY SEASON

A pigeon just waddled past me and i could here the little taps of its feet on the concrete 😭 never thought id find pigeons remotely cute

Feeling overwhelmed tbh. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, even thought i wanted to skip class today, I got my ass up and am in class rn. Im fucking proud of that though i hate it

Moving is really stressful but now I have my own apartment and I got plants!!

May be currently missing class BUT i slept well and officially moved into the new place :) as much as I hate moving, I love the new space! Stoked af rn

I GOT INTO A UNIVERSITY OF MY CHOICE!

I havent posted much mainly because i have too much :) lifes going good and though it probably might go downhill soon with entrance exams on the horizon, imma enjoy this peace while it lasts.

Saw a lady with tiny flowers in a pot 🥺 is it weird that people with plants make my day?

Checked up on my friends and made them very happy with that :) i love them so much ahhh

Soo i did something dumb.. i jumped from a 13m height into water and almost broke my back 🥴 im alive though so lifes good!

Wasnt a great day but wasnt horrible either :) was hella hot out but i went to the lake then got good food after <3 a good 7/10

Its weird how even when things were going good, my brain still decided otherwise and now I'm stuck again. Im just tired and not just physically. Im exhausted actually..

Went out to the lake with a friend and had so much fun 💖 even if it was just us being in each others presences, it was nice to get to know him and have someone around :)

Just a small appreciation post for him cause I'm too shy to say anything and only show my appreciation through food:

You're not a morning person, you say. I think of all the times you stay quiet and nod at all I say in the light of the sun. How you'd laugh at it as we walk under the stars.

You say you have trouble expressing yourself without hurting others.

*i saved this in drafts cause i met up with him now and yeah uh change in perspective*

You say you have trouble expressing yourself without hurting others. You're right. When were alone your jokes are light and words are uplifting and happy. Around others your words turn into shards of glass. But who knows, maybe with my hiding of my hurt, its just the shards of my heart making me bleed from the inside out.

You make me insecure around others but confident in private. We talk from sunrise till way past sunset but cant say more than two sentences around company.

Yesterday you called me pretty and today I'm looking at the other girls thinking how I'll never be.

You're confusing. I dont know if youre being honest or not. If youre genuine of trying to get something out of this. I hate that I'm questioning it but I am and I'm confused. I dont want to question it but I've been hurt too many times not to.

I wish youd just tell me were friends. That you accept me the way I am. That youre happy to have met me and to have me in my life. That you don't hate me. That you dont just bear my existence but rather enjoy it. I wish but sadly we dont all get what we wish for.

This is hella dramatic and I'm sorry I just. Im ACTUALLY confused. About us being friends, the limits to this friendship, if thats what it us, how genuine you are, you.