#Over my dead body if I'll ever redeem him | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thepaintedlady00 · 8 months

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Nepenthe

Character Intro | Chapter 2

Chapter One: The Hanged Man

TW: blood, gore, some very intrusive and vividly dark thoughts about murder killing and so on, this ones gonna be a dark fic so if that's not something you're into steer clear y'all! But, all in all, first chapters pretty tame for the Dark Urge character. I'm going with a Durge that slightly differs from game Durge as she always has a hesitancy to killing and actively "fights" her dark urges from the start which isn't how I feel the in-game character was potrayed, but it's how I wanna do this series so 🤷‍♀️, I also really wanna let everyone know I'll be taking some creative liberties with the story and I'll be making the villains a bit more "redeemable" (mostly Gortash) they'll all still be the villains and they'll still do the evil shit but with Gortash in particular I wanna add some hints of regret and remorse for his wrong doings so I can give the asshole a happy ending! Because I am a whore for redemption arcs and happy endings! 😅😂

nepenthe • \nuh-PENTH-ee\ • noun. 1: a potion used by the ancients to induce forgetfulness of pain or sorrow; 2: something capable of causing oblivion of grief or suffering.

I had been called many names. Thief. Urchin. Whore. Murderer. Assassin. Monster. Demon. They all held some modicum of truth; after all, how else was one such as myself supposed to live? I bore no family name and held no lands or titles. All I had was a dagger and the blood on my hands. All I had to guide my path… To help me understand who… What I was was but an ember. A word whispered on hushed, fearful tongues.

Bhaalspawn.

It was a myth. Some horror story told by parents to keep their children in line. I knew there could be no truth in it… knew there could be no chance of it being a reality. I'd hunted down every piece of evidence I could over the years, and all of it told the same story. The spawn of Bhaal were long dead - all of them.

I could not be this. And yet the word echoed in me, rattling against my skull almost as loudly as the call for blood. And so, I continued hunting this rumor to the ends of Faerun. Hunting and hoping and killing and running. It was a hideous, pathetic life, but it was all I had. All I'd ever have if I stopped searching now.

Most would find the prospect of being some murderous creature horrifying. Most would have stopped searching when it became possible, but they didn't have this hunger. They didn't feel their skull burning, their whole being screaming for blood. They weren't like me.

From my rooftop perch above the city, I watched the people live their boring little lives. The marketplace was full of bodies, bags of flesh and bones and blood, hurrying and shouting and laughing without a care in the world. Sheep. A pen of them, mindlessly baaing to one another, completely unaware of the wolf lurking above them.

How I longed to leap down from that roof, to slither in what shadows I could find and circle them. My mouth went dry as my heart began to race in my chest. All sound faded, replaced by the symphony of rushing blood and beating hearts. I'd pick the one furthest from the group, the blacksmith. He smelt of salt and metal, a large man with a round belly that was practically begging to be sliced open. The edges of my vision darkened as I stared into the forge. He looked strong, but he'd be slow - much slower than he'd need to be to kill me before I did him. It would be easy.

My body drifted forward, leaning over the ledge of the rooftop. Every inch of me hummed as my fingers wrapped around the hilt of my dagger. So easy… Giggling children broke me from the dark fog. They ran through the streets together, playing whatever games normal little children play, as their families watched with a bright look. I'd studied that look often, how they smiled and their faces creased with joy. It was a look I had never known.

I remembered then the simple house with the green door. I remembered how it looked splattered with their blood - blood that oozed between the floorboards and dripped down the steps. The humming of bloodlust ebbed inside me as I pictured the bodies that littered the cobbled path to the house. Their eyes were dull and lifeless, not a spark of that bright thing… Not a spark of anything. The last one still breathing had crawled back inside, not strong enough to run but still not weak enough to just lay and die.

When I'd followed after her, dagger in hand and blood dripping from me like rain, she'd looked at me with a dark expression. Disappointment mingled with fear and disgust. That was the look I knew, the one she'd always looked at me with. As I got closer, the woman who called herself my mother spat her blood at me and growled out one last word before I watched her bleed out, "Monster."

That house - my house - had been the first. The first time, I'd let the hunger, the insatiable thoughts of bloodshed, win. The family I massacred that day had been my own, but I never regretted killing them, not for one moment that followed. They'd only been the first of many… Too many.

My rancid blood whispered to me: kill, kill, and kill again. This body of mine craved only death. Not my own, but that of others - everyone. In the beginning, I'd hoped it would fade, yet with each death, each lifeless body I left behind, the hunger only grew. The longing to kill again was never far from my mind, and it terrified me.

What kind of person… What sort of thing had this urge? A dark, twisted urge so powerful it consumed me, possessed me until I satisfied it with the blood and death it craved. My lungs filled with the cool city air, and the blurred edges of my vision slowly faded, replaced by the pain at the base of my skull growing as the urge festered, unsatisfied.

A heavy sigh echoed beside me as the rooftop shingles shifted under the unpredictable steps. "Restless already, young Master?"

"I just…" My mouth tasted rancid, the intrusive desire to snap my teeth down on my own tongue making the words difficult to get out.

"Which of the lovely little sheep calls to you this time?" He hummed, turning his head to look out into the crowd with an almost gleeful smile. "The baker?" He giggled, jumping in excitement. "No! The shopkeep! He looks like he'd make a particularly fascinating corpse!" Turning, his beady eyes bore into mine again as he examined my expression. "Not him either? One of the children, perhaps?"

"No!" I bit out, trying not to linger on how that prospect appealed to me. "The blacksmith."

The Butler turned his head eagerly and wiggled his fingers, clacking his claws against the shingles. "Oh, excellent! He'll be no match for you, my dear Master. So big and slow, with a copious amount of blood and viscera to work with. A most excellent choice indeed!"

My hands clenched and unclenched at my sides as I forced my lungs to fill with the fresh air. "I'm not killing him. I'm not killing anyone."

"Not this again," The Butler chided. "Young Master, you must–"

"You do not tell me what I must or mustn't do!" My voice was low but a whisper in the wind, but Sceleritas heard it. He heard it as though I'd screamed it at the top of my lungs. For a fleeting second, it looked as though he'd been hurt by my words and my dismissal of him. With a sigh, I shook my head and knelt beside him. "Sceleritas…"

He made a tsking noise and combed his claws through my hair, delicately brushing it back into place. "I live to serve you, young Master. Whether it leads to glorious blood and viscera or not, I live to serve."

I held his hand for a moment. "Thank you."

"I do wish you'd be true to yourself," he said carefully. "But, if you wish to fight your urge, I'll bite my tongue and let you make your own mistakes."

"Sceleritas," I scolded with a half smile.

He quickly shut his lips tightly and bowed. "Since we're not killing anyone, may I inquire as to what we're doing among the sheep?"

Rolling my eyes at his theatrics, I looked back out to the crowd. "Rumor has it this city has been plagued with worshippers of Bhaal. People -" Sceleritas gave me a confused look. "The sheep," I clarified, earning a toothy grin from him. "Are saying there's an old temple somewhere nearby."

"And you intend to find it?" He asked, pride and mischief filling his tone.

"If anyone will have answers for me, it'll be them." I looked down at the odd little goblin-like creature that had been by my side since I first woke, covered in blood. He had leathery skin and a small hat lined with the bones of a snake I'd killed. He kept his clothes neat, even amongst the blood. Sceleritas was still quite the mystery, and everything about him, right down to how his beady eyes watched me with that sparkle of darkness and his claws clicked together as he idly thrummed his fingers together, making it seem like he knew more than he let on. "Unless you, dear butler, know anything about this temple?"

His hands splayed across his chest as his mouth fell open in surprise. "Why, me? Young Master, I've been ever at your side! I know only what you do."

Narrowing my eyes, I watched his lips turn upward in a grin. "Hmm, we'll see."

"Enough chatter!" He plopped down on the rooftop, kicking his feet over the ledge. "You hurry on with your questioning. I'll be waiting right here when you're done."

"I'll be back before nightfall," I assured him, lifting my hood.

"Of course you will. Unless… perhaps, you find a worthwhile distraction," he said, eyes turning away from mine to stare down at the blacksmith, whose full belly jiggled as he laughed.

That longing hum… That dark urge made my head swim for a moment. Kill him, it demanded. Break his bones! Bathe in his blood! Take his life, for it is yours to take! I shook my head and quickly turned away. "I will be back before nightfall."

"As you say, dear Master."

I dropped into a dark alley, my ill-fitted boots doing little to save my knees from feeling the force of the ground solidly meeting my feet. The alley stank with piss and rotting food, a stench that hung over the poorer districts. It was stripped bare of the fragrant roses and perfumers of the upper city. Stripped of everything, with people still demanding more be taken in the name of their lords and ladies and their fine parties and expensive silks.

Baldur's Gate. A beacon of hope and second chances. So many poured through the city gates with those big eyes, spilling with joy and relief, and it would be those eyes I'd see months later devoid of all that sparkle. Joy is a difficult thing to nurture when you're starving and flea-ridden. Baldur's Gate. The city where any and all are welcome to live and create a new life for themselves. A lie.

As I stepped over the multitude of beggars that no longer whispered pleas my way or anyone else's, I held onto that bitter feeling that had festered since I'd stepped foot here. My hands bore the blood of thousands, innocent and guilty alike, but even I was above the cruelty of this city. I was a killer, to be sure, but this city… The cursed Baldur's Gate was just as much a killer as me. At least I didn't pretend to be something else.

I moved among the crowd, ignoring that tingle that sent shivers up my spine at the sight of so many opportunities to slit someone's throat or tear their stomach open. Keeping my head down and my hood high, I kept my feet steadily moving. "You hear about this, uh… Shipment… That arrived late last night?"

"Which one?" The butcher replied, trying not to seem so interested. I slowed, lifting an eye towards them as they stood beneath the canopy of the butcher's stall.

"The metals," the twitchy man continued. "The ones that went straight to that abandoned church."

In one quick slash, the butcher's blade buried into the wooden board before him, slicing clean through the thick red meat. "What 'bout it?"

The twitchy man scratched his neck. "Rumor has it one of the smugglers is a madman. Er'yone that's seen 'im says he's makin' some kinda beast."

"A beast 'O metal?" The butcher laughed, waving off the man with a slab of meat in his hand. "Yer nutty if you believe that! Now get out me stall! Scarin' away payin' folk with yer twitchin'."

I watched them bicker for a moment longer before the twitching little man scurried away. Gossip and rumors were prevalent on the streets, necessary for anyone with no money to their name. Information was just as valuable as gold, but using such currency often required more than one's word. Proof came in various shapes and sizes. Eyewitness, a crumb of physical evidence, or even mentioning names… People higher up on the social ladder than anyone dwelling here. This system served me well. Though plagued by the constant urge to maim and dismember, my mind held information like a vault.

As I walked the streets, it quickly became apparent the well of gossip revolved around some useless arms dealings. I half listened, filing their names and the vague details away in my head while changing my path. If I wanted more than the current babblings today, I'd need to go to the source.

Baldur's Gate held many rivers that information flowed through. The servants working in the Upper City would flow down from those rich establishments and find whatever little pocket of people they belonged to. Taverns, inns, brothels, all little wells collecting information like buckets. Wells that I found most useful in my hunt for the truth. Past the layers of boring city gossip of who fucked who or who wore what lay the drops I required - the drops that would finally satiate my thirst. It was a simple matter of extracting such.

The Elfsong Tavern was bustling with people and flowing with drinks. It was a gem of the Lower City, though its outward appearance did not reflect anything grand or unique. It had ale and wine and clean rooms, which was enough for most people. The chatter that met my ears was akin to that of insects. I brushed past everyone else and quietly stood beside the bar, waiting for a cleaning to speak with the elf behind it.

The barkeeper and owner of the tavern was a soft-faced half-elf, Alan Alyth. He had dark hair and light in his eyes, still hopeful of his future within this city. Unlike the other patrons, he heard everything and saw all, and he wouldn't waste my time with idle chatter. Alan knew nothing about me, but he knew how much I hated talking.

Our eyes locked as the bodies cleared away from him, and he sighed. "What can I get for you?"

"I heard a rumor about Bhaal worshippers and a ruined temple."

Nodding, the elf wiped up a spill. "Few nights ago, two men came in spouting about it."

I set a single coin down on the bar. "I need the details."

Alan examined me for a second but took the coin and continued to speak, "Dunno much, but they said they believed the entrance to this temple or whatever was somewhere near the docks."

Without a word of thanks, I turned and exited the establishment, my feet moving quickly and my heart pounding steadily in my chest. I longed for this to be the one - for this rumor to lead me somewhere. The docks were even busier than the tavern, with shipments coming in and out, people selling fish right out of the barrels, and captains and crews inspecting their vessels.

I could catch a ride on one of the ships, I thought. It would be easier to sail away from this horrible city and find a secluded place to live the rest of my days alone. Still, the nagging feeling wouldn't go away no matter how far I sailed. I would still always wonder what I was… If I belonged anywhere.

I remained near the docks, listening, watching, and even searching for hidden doors or loose stones that could have contained a clue, a hint even. There was nothing. No talk of Bhaalists or odd symbols. Nothing but the stench of fish and the annoying voices of the sheep. As the sun set, it became increasingly clear that this had been another dead end.

Waste of time, I scowled as I walked the now clear paths of the dark city. It'd been foolish of me to believe that anyone would have anything of substance. Why would idle gossip lead me to some long-lost hidden temple? It was foolish. Hopeful.

My body roared with disappointment and anger. The feeling of it made my skin itch and my limbs ache. Curse that damned hope, I thought as I neared the rooftop where the butler would be waiting. I felt more breathless with each step, a sickening feeling washing over me as the edges of my vision swam with shadows.

Don't fight it, that dark part of me urged. The bellows of nearby fire sparked in my ears, accompanied by the clash of steel. I sucked in a deep breath, halting my steps to try and regain control of my thoughts - of my own hands as they shook. Give in. A tang of ash and a tingling of metal filled my mouth. Give in to yourself. I stumbled, my feet shuffling of their own accord away from the rooftop towards the hazed orange light.

Kill.

My fingers curled around the hilt of my dagger.

Kill.

My body hummed as the heat of the fire washed over my face.

Kill.

My lips curled up in a happy, satisfied smile.

The stone ceiling of the blacksmith's workshop was coated in billows of dark smoke and embers. They danced along the top of it for a moment, sparkling and crackling before being swept up in the midnight breeze and lifted out the tall open windows. My chest heaved with each breath, the air tasting sweet as I drew it deep into my lungs. I felt lightheaded, exhilarated, and satisfied. My mind felt clear for the first time in weeks, and my skull didn't throb.

The sensation of thick, sticky liquid rolling down my neck pulled me from the enjoyment and relief. I lifted my hands to touch it but found them to be wet. All at once, my mind became my own again, and the sweetness of the air suddenly became heavy with blood. My fingernails dug into the skin of my neck as quiet whimpers filled my throat.

"Oh, how inspired!" Sceleritas purred with gleeful claps. "Artistry as always, my dear Master!"

My neck strained as I lowered my eyes to the corpse I straddled. The blacksmith lay lifeless beneath me, utterly unrecognizable. His eyes, filled with playful mirth and pride this morning, were now raw pits of exposed blood and muscle. The dark hair that once filled his head was scorched off, still smoking and singed with embers. One of his arms had been torn off, hanging from his anvil where the hand had been bludgeoned until the bones turned to dust. Long, intricate cuts lined his remaining arm and torso, leading to the gaping hole in his stomach. His insides were strewn about the room, hanging like dripping vines. And there, plunged into one of the many stab wounds in his chest, my dagger gleamed in the firelight.

I wanted to throw up, to scream and deny, but all I could do was sit there and stare. A prideful feeling simmered in my gut, finding beauty in the gore surrounding me. It was wrong… Beyond wrong… It was demented, deranged, sickening. Yet the feeling remained just like it always did. Sceleritas dug my dagger out from the blacksmith's chest and smiled as he held it out to me with a bow. Then, he noticed my grip on my neck and quickly tutted.

He placed my dagger back in my sheath and gently pried my hands from my skin. He dabbed the angry welts left by my fingernails with a small cloth. "I'm a monster…" I whispered.

Sceleritas' claws poked my cheek as he forced me to look at him. "You are perfect, Master." He combed his fingers through my hair, tucking it from my face. "Absolutely, positively perfect."

I closed my eyes, fighting back tears as the surrounding houses awoke, likely coming to see what the noises had been. They'd come, they always did, and they'd find me covered in the blood of an innocent man, a friend even. From there, things would be exactly as they always were. I'd be forced to flee, vanish, and always be apart like the rest of the monsters.

"Come, we must go," Sceleritas whispered, moving to check the streets.

With quivering breaths, I blinked away tears. What was the point of fighting if the urge would win out eventually? What was the point of any of this fucking life? Pushing myself to my feet, I wiped my hands on my shirt, as if it'd help clean them of blood, before turning to follow Sceleritas when a blink of movement caught my eye.

There, standing in the doorway to the home attached to the workshop. His eyes were fixed on the body, the guts that hung from the room, filled with fear and despair at the sight of the larger man's lifelessness. Guilt and disgust warred within me against the satisfied bloodlust and pride. The child's lips quivered as tears began to stream down his cheeks. "Pa…"

Sceleritas' hands gently wound around my arms, tugging me away from the pitiful scene I had orchestrated. "Away, young Master. Come away."

The streets blurred together as I followed Sceleritas' sure-footed steps. I could hear the angry shouts and the calls for justice as the sheep turned to wolves. Tears burned my eyes as I considered stopping and submitting to my fate. I deserved it. I deserved to be torn apart just like I'd torn the blacksmith apart or any of the others before him. I was a monster.

Sceleritas turned then and slid to a halt just beneath an old archway. He scrambled, clawing the debris and dirt away from the small sewer cover. "This way!" He hissed. "We will find safety with the others!"

"With the others?"

"The worshippers of the Lord of Murder, of course!"

"You knew where it was from the start," I bit out, glaring at the creature.

"We haven't the time for this conversation, Master. Quickly! Come!" He screeched, desperately waving me towards the sewer entrance.

The ground shook with the rushing footsteps of the mob, a thundering anger filling the air like lightning. Grinding my teeth together, I slid through the small, dark opening and landed in the muck. The butler followed close behind, closing the opening just as quickly as he'd uncovered it. I could see the shadows of the mob pass overhead.

Sloshing through the putrid liquid, Sceleritas kept moving forward. I glared at him, using my anger to ignore how the smell burnt my nose and threatened to choke the air from my lungs. "Where are we going?"

He turned, teeth glistening in the low light. "You wished to find the temple, did you not?"

I followed him a few feet forward, watching as he flicked his clawed fingers, and an array of resting magic forced the stones ahead to part, revealing the ruins behind it. Sceleritas bowed, gesturing towards the opening. "After you, young Master."

The dark path forward appeared to be part of the city once, blocked off and locked away… Left to crumble and decay. The air hung heavy with a feeling of hopelessness, death whispers filling every crack and corridor. I followed what paths I could, weaving past fallen stone and broken statues. What had it looked like in its prime? I wondered as we passed through one intact doorway.

Stones shifted beneath quick feet, alerting me to the presence of others surrounding me. The darkness had eyes that watched me as I continued to the second door. If whatever creatures took issue with my presence, they didn't make it known. I could feel Sceleritas' excitement. "Friends of yours?"

"Friends of yours, Master," he replied. "Soon to be subjects if all goes to plan."

I turned my head to glance at him, so many questions wanting to rise from my throat, but none of them could. How many years have you led me astray? I wondered. How long was spent pulling at my strings for this plan?

A shallow river of sewage split the large room in two, forcing me down the right-hand path that looked to have been patched up with wood scraps. Whoever it was that had taken up residence here had clearly put work into trying to remain inconspicuous. The twists and turns should have confused me, but my feet felt steady… Like I already knew the way.

As I stepped out into a larger clearing, the stench of sewage faded slightly. Water trickled from cracks above, and the ruins grew more solid. "This was the Undercity," I observed, peering up the old stairs that had long been barricaded off.

Sceleritas stood beside a circular platform, flicking his fingers again and lighting two hanging braziers. "A wretched place." He hummed carefully. "But, like most ruins, it wasn't always such." Waving his hand, I could see a marvel in his eyes. "It was a glorious temple once. A place of the highest caliber! Worshipers would come from near and far to pay homage, and many found a home here."

"What happened?" I asked, a wave of solemn sorrow softening my voice.

Sceleritas shook his head with a bitter sneer on his lips. "Many things. The worshipers of Bhaal have been culled many times throughout the ages."

"Like the Bhaalspawn." I shook my head and looked at the butler with teary eyes. "Is that what I am?"

"You are-"

"Perfect," I interrupted him. "I know, you've said that before. But answer me this, please, Sceleritas?"

With a humble nod, he finally replied. "You are one of the last living Bhaalspawn. The Lord of Murder's flesh and blood."

My teeth ground together. All this time I'd spent searching, looking for answers, and the one person that had been with me from the start had them all along. "Why not tell me this from the start?"

"You were not ready then," he replied with a sigh. "You may still not be ready."

"Well, what happens now?" I asked.

Sceleritas only grinned. "You open the door."

The tall door blended in with the surrounding stone, only really noticeable but the too-perfect cracks where the two sides met, tightly sealed. As I approached, I had an itching feeling that this would not be as simple as my loyal companion made it seem. Pressing on them with my hand, nothing moved, but a voice echoed around us in a soft but powerful whisper.

"Do you have proof of your faith to our lord?"

"Proof?" I questioned with furrowed brows. "How does one present proof of faith?"

Sceleritas cleared his throat and pointed to my still-bloody dagger. "You've all the proof you need, dear Master."

I unsheathed it, grimacing at the sight of the blacksmith's blood. The image of the weeping child filled my mind. I didn't utter a word nor lift the dagger higher than my eyes, but the door saw it as if it had looked through my eyes. "A small thing, but a show of faith nonetheless. Walk in blood."

The door cracked, and the path forward appeared before me, along with a choice. I could turn back and face what I'd done. Or I could continue on this path, wherever it led me, and finally learn the truth. Sceleritas took hold of my hand and squeezed. "The choice is yours, Remora, my dear Master. I can only urge you not to run from what you are." He smiled. "I can only assure you that you are perfect, just as you are."

Bloodshed, death, murder… None of it appealed to me beyond that itch of my darker urges, but I'd killed so many. My hands were forever stained in blood, and nothing, not even facing judgment, would clean them. I'd kill again. I knew it to be true. What choice is there? I asked myself. Nothing will change unless you see this through. "It'd be a waste to turn back now." I smiled down at him and squeezed his hand back. "Besides, what would I do without my most loyal butler?"

We walked hand in hand down the decrepit staircase where the abandoned stone building came into view, nestled overtop a straight drop into nothingness. Sceleritas led me over the bridge of fallen pillars and through a low archway. I held his hand tightly in mine, using his presence as some reassurance to ease the fear and hopelessness rising in my chest. No matter what I found here, Sceleritas would be beside me. He always was.

Bright red lights illuminated as we traversed the winding, bloodstained path. Statues spoke to me, but I couldn't grasp their words beyond the sound of my heart hammering against my ribcage. The bridge stretched across, lit with fire and dark magic. Up a small set of stairs, another door stood closed. Sceleritas released my hand and skipped up the steps, turning to bow before me. "Oh, my Master! Welcome! Welcome to your royal home!"

The doors opened behind him as if on their own accord. Now or never. I ascended the stairs and walked through the doorway with my head held high. From the high ledge, I could see every corner of the room, the lights and the bodies of people gathered, but what I noticed most was the large pool of blood that stood on the opposite side of the room where a skull with bleeding eyes had been carved into the stone.

Bhaal. My father, if Sceleritas had spoken the truth. With another deep breath, I moved past the robed figures and down towards the center of this congregation. As I passed, the cultists whispered praises, words of great joy at my arrival. Sparing Sceleritas a glance, I quickly asked, "They were expecting us?"

"You, Master," he happily replied. "They've been expecting you for quite some time."

"Praised be the Lord of Murder!" One of them softly exclaimed.

An odd feeling of warmth suddenly erased the fear from my body. Never before had I been waited on… Met with soft words of joyous welcomes. They wanted me here. They felt some kind of love for me, and I enjoyed it. "They… like me?”

Sceleritas scoffed. "They adore you, Master!"

At the bottom of the steps, all the cultists bowed their heads. "Welcome home, Bhaalspawn. We have waited a very long time for this day."

"What day?"

The woman, who seemed to be the eldest, chuckled. "For you to ascend and take your place as Bhaals Chosen, of course!" She turned, gesturing to the pool of blood. "Go on, submerge yourself, and all shall be revealed."

By my side, Sceleritas urged me to go forward into the blood. My dark, featherless reflection hovered over the thick liquid. There was a moment of hesitation, a moment where I knew deep inside me that this wasn't what I wanted. Sceleritas' voice was soft as he seemed to answer my deepest fears. "Do not deny what you are, Remora. For it is beautiful, beloved, holy. You are perfect, just as you are."

I took the first step, giving into the deepest desire to be loved and accepted. Maybe this was the only way for something like me to achieve such. Maybe this was always what I was meant for. As the blood enveloped me, I felt warm… Safe… Powerful. Flashes of bodies torn apart and skulls growing from trees filled my vision. "Child of blood, go forth with divine purpose."

When I emerged again, the first thing I heard was Sceleritas clapping. Then, all that stood before me bowed. "All hail Bhaal's Chosen!"

This was my future - my life. All the years I'd spent trying to be anything other were wasted. Thief. Urchin. Whore. Murderer. Assassin. Monster. Demon. All those years of fighting, scraping, bowing, resisting… It had all been futile. This was what I was, who I was. Bhaalspawn.

Bhaal's Chosen.

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samstwilightzone · 9 months

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Fear.

Has she ever felt it?

Real, genuine fear. Coursing through her veins along with adrenaline, she felt like death was near. Did she feel fear when she nearly drowned? She wasn't sure.

Chained to a wooden chair, cinder blocks attached to the chain. An assassination attempt. She glared so harshly at him, but she didn't give him the satisfaction of having the last word. He couldn't even do it alone, he had to bring his cronies with him.

"You've always represented a roadblock for me, daughter of the autumn branch." He sighed as he walked over to her, pushing his foot between her legs and tilting the chair over the river. "You're a curse, you're no blessing! Always in my way, you tried so hard but you know! You know he will never acknowledge you! He would have acknowledged that half-baked brother of yours, but you?" The man scoffed, adjusting his glasses on his sharp nose. His eyes pierced into hers. "I always despised you, Aki."

Aki grits her teeth, the Sumida river right behind her, the water sloshing around. How was she going to get out of this mess? "You've always been a terrible shot, the only redeeming quality you have as a successor is that brain of yours... And even then your head is full of air!" She spat, spitting into his face. This caused him to groan and step away, her chair rocking forward as Akicaught herself on the tips of her toes. "I've always been better than you, you know that! You know all too well!"

The man groaned "Which is why you can't persist to live, you're too cocky for your own good." He hissed back venomously whipping his face with his handkerchiefs. "I'll be happy to write you into tomorrow's obituary."

"Like hell you will Fu-"

Just like that he went back and kicked the chair, tilting it completely over the bridge's railing.

"Heh... See you at the next family reunion, little snowflake." Aki scoffed, sticking her tongue out as she was sent plummeting into the water, backwards. The shock of the impact with the cold Sumida river water almost caused her to pass out from shock.

Anyone would, they left... He didn't even make sure she was dead for good. How sloppy of him... This is why assassinations and interrogations were her thing.

It would be a lie for her to say that her life didn't flash before her eyes. Images of her mother, father, little brother... Old friends... She could see it all as she held her breath.

The water was cold, and she felt like falling asleep. It was a... Relieving feeling. But this couldn't be it, this is now how it all ended. The only way Aki was going to die was standing! No surrender kneeling. It would be the greatest kind of dishonour to her family.

The chains were snapped and the cinder blocks crushed into pieces. She swam up, pulling herself up and flopping onto her back...Her nose was runny and her eyes were teary. Staring up at the starry night sky and the moon. "I lived, bitch."

✮ ✮ ✮ ✮ ✮

"Hey Aki, you know... You kinda remind me of someone." Osomatsu spoke, leaning against her shoulder as she worked away on her laptop. There was some sort of gassing process going on at Aki's apartment- so she and Reginald were staying g at the Matsuno household for the time being.

She even offered to pay for her stay!

Reginald was upstairs, having made himself comfortable on the couch, from what Aki last saw.

"Hm? How so?" She questioned with a raised eyebrow, raising her blue-glass glasses off her eyes as she turned her head towards him.

"Well... You kinda look like a girl that went missing a few years back." He pointed out, only for Aki to avert her gaze, and then go back to work.

"Interesting... Must be a look-alike."

" Listen! They never found her body-"

"Osomatsu, are you bothering Aki-chan while she works again?" Came the voice of his mother as she walked into the living room, out of the kitchen, carrying a tray with a cup of coffee on it and a bowl of savoury snacks. She set the tray down on the round table. "Here you go dear, I apologise if he's pestering you."

"No need Matsuno-san, it's as if he isn't even here. Like a fly."

"Oi-" Osomatsu went to

"In any case-" Aki spoke, picking up the coffee, her eyes remained glued to her screen before she looked up at the older woman. She smiled sweetly, closing her eyes. "I am grateful that you allowed me to stay."

Matsuyo blushed, placing a hand over her cheek, such a well-behaved girl. "Your parents are the lucky ones, having you as their daughter!" She sighed "A working woman... All that's left of you is to get married and have children of your own- if you're even in a pinch feel free to take one of my sons-"

"Eh-heh, no need! No need!" Aki spoke sheepishly, sipping her coffee, she looked down at her keyboard. She hasn't seen her parents in such a long time. Do they even know she's alive? "I'm... Taking things at my own pace."

"Ah well... If you're ever in need, you know where to come." Matsuyo said with a wink, picking up the now empty tray and carrying it away "Your biological clock is ticking after all!" She was just so desperate to get rid of at least ONE of her sons.

"Yeah, Aki-chan~" Osomatsu teased, making a kiss face at her, he put his hands together. "If you're ever in need of a boyfriend I'll be-"

"In your dreams, cherry boy." She snorted, shoving him away by literally facepalming him. Aki chuckled as she drank another sip of her coffee before placing her cup down. "I'm not THAT desperate."

"Owowowowwwww~ you're so mean to me Aki-chaaaan~" He exclaimed dramatically, placing his hands over his face. "You don't even love meeeee~"

"I really don't feel anything for you, you look like a bean.."

"Yeowch, that's harsh!"

"We're hoooome!" Came the booming voice of Jyushimatsu as the front door was slid open, five pairs of feet could be heard walking through the house.

"Welcome home." Both Aki and Osomatsu said at the same time, with Aki returning her attention to her laptop and Osomatsu scooting back over towards the table. This time to steal the snacks his mom left for Aki.

Soon enough the five matsus poured into the living room. "Hey Aki, and nii-san... What are you doing back before us?" Todomatsu asked, hands behind his back he walled over to sit on the other side of Aki. Karamatsu, Jyushimatsu and Choromatsu did the same, sitting on either side of Aki, with Ichimatsu ending up with the spot just across from her.

"I blew all of my money on pachinko," Osomatsu answered with a groan, "So I came to bother Aki-chan instead~"

"Seriously, while she works?" Choromatsu's questioned, shooting Osomatsu a disappointing look.

"Brother, don't you see Aki-chan is a busy woman?" Karamatsu questioned led, placing a hand over Osomatsu's shoulder "She works hard for the money she earns! A true upstanding member of society-"

"Aaaaaaand she's playing solitaire." Todomatsu cut Karamatsu off with a snicker.

"Can't concentrate on walls upon walls if code with you lot around." Aki chuckled, moving her pointer finger around the pad of her laptop "And besides I worked enough for the day." She remarked, smirking over at the sextuplet "Can't say the same for you six dweebs sadly."

"Oi, being a NEET is hard work!" Osomatsu protested.

"A virgin neet even more so!" Jyushimatsu piped up.

The protests of the sextuplets caused Aki to stifle a laugh. "I'm sure it is..." she remarked sarcastically. While stuck, she felt as if the shackles that previously bound her were cast away. She didn't feel heavy, only free. Living a carefree average life. "Come back to me when you can get yourselves some bitches, bitchless gang!"

"So rude!"

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idk-bruh-20 · 2 years

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okokok here me out: an alternate scene to the one in infinity war where the guardians meet tony strange and peter on titian. mantis succeeds in what i assume was her trying to put peter to sleep with that thing she does? but anyways she actually does it, and peter doesnt get away. theyre at the stalemate when tony sees peter's body next to mantis. he flips out. like, freaks out. he's all Dad Mode like "tf u do to my kid???" and quill's goes "he's not dead. probably. mantis did u kill the kid?" and tonys just having a heart attack while mantis wakes peter, who is his normal, cheery self. he's thrilled with mantis's powers, while tony tries to put as much distance between the two as he can, cuz he thought peter was dead.

bonus for feels: tony's inner thoughts when peter turns to dust ab how he'd take mantis's little scare over this any day. maybe he even gives a whisper to peter's dust ab how mantis can stop playing this trick on him, and that peter's totally got him real good this time, so he can just wake up now please, that would be awesome. because peter's awesome, and tony's sorry he didnt say it more often. he'll watch star wars when they get home, too. anything for peter to just come back.

bonus 2, to redeem the feels: post endgame scene where peter and tony hug on the couch watching star wars, and tony doesnt complain this time. he wont ever complain again. he tells peter hes awesome, and that he loves peter all the time, because hes had so much time to think ab all the things he felt but never said

sorry the second paragraph is so long lol, i like the feels :]

NOOOO FRIEND YOU DID THE SELF-CRITICISM AGAIN [***] :(

I'll stop bugging you about it now but !!! <3 ily and your ideas are great I swear! stop apologizing!!!!

This one has so many feelings </3 </3 T_T

#if you're like: would tony stark tell peter parker to stop apologizing for the thing I'm about to apologize for #and the answer is yes #then you don't need to apologize for it <3 #I'll quit bugging you about this though #just know that ily and do not want to see you slipping back into bad habits #<3

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steely-eyedmissileman · 5 days

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The Vampire Diaries, Ep. 1x17

Let the Right One In

a rather tired vampire reference. not interested.

we begin with the start of the episode. we pick up immediately after the last episode. but now there's a storm coming on, which there were no signs of in the last episode. i also wrote in my notes 'anna can get in their fucking house. oh anna’s already in their fucking house'. i'll say it right now, and i'll mean it: i don't like this jeremy plot line. it is not interesting to me. i don't want to see it (it is better than most of the jeremy stuff we've seen thus far).

damon is lying again: 'she's going to help me get katherine back' my ass. she's threatening and extorting you in order to have dominion over the human population of the town. elena calls damon 'a self-serving psychopath with no redeeming qualities!' which i personally love. it's so true too! and stefan gets a great one-liner as well: ‘i’m perfectly safe i have damon the self-serving psychopath to keep me safe.' unfortunately, stefan proceeds to be a dumb idiot and get captured. (and tortured, which was an interesting mix of fun and agonizing for me)

why is no one mad at katherine about the whole tomb situation? it's sort of her fault that the vampires got captured, as they would have moved on much earlier if she hadn't been obsessed with the sons of a vampire hunter. and she snuck out of the stupid tomb, so it's not even like she had to pay for her own mistake.

fuck face is back :((((( and his terrible dad :((((((((((((((( fuck face roasts his dad for being creepy :) i wish pearl would eat the dad.

caroline is wearing a cute green coat, and also really going through it this episode. she's fighting with matt (kind of), she's lost in a storm (why is she driving in the middle of teh woods on something that barely looks like a road?), she has to just sit in her car for a while (as the radio works remarkably well considering the weather), she has to walk around in the muddy woods and find a dead body (vicki's). i feel so bad for caroline, and i wish this shit would just stop happening to her.

then the fucking mayor who i hate just announces that vicki's body has been found loudly in the middle of the bar. he's an asshole and i hate him.

as damon, ht, and elena are planning the stefan rescue attempt, damon shows actually good logical reasoning with a somewhat solid game plan. it's a bit shocking. no one would ever have guessed that damon has the reasoning prowess of a commander (especially since it seems like he was a terrible soldier in life).

the plan does not go off without a hitch. (damon kills a human woman so casually.) also elena goes into the house, as we all knew she would. she gets stefan out of the house and they're running through the woods when a vampire chases them. stefan has collapsed from lack of blood, and elena feeds him so he can protect them both from the vampire that's right there. as stefan bites elena's wrist, the camera does this insane move where it pulls back very dramatically and circles around them as very dramatic music plays. it's all very exciting, shocking, absorbing. this is the moment we've all been waiting for.

i'll deal with the implications of that in the next paragraph, but i need to talk about caroline first. because everyone has made their way to matt's house after learning about vicki. matt turns to elena in his grief and not to caroline. however, we must remember (as caroline never does) that elena and matt are childhood best friends not just exes. elena is comforting matt because they've known each other for much longer. she knew vicki and caroline didn't. as i put it in my notes, 'elena means something to matt that you don’t, caroline, but that doesn’t mean you’re unimportant.' in fact, i hope she'll turn out to be very important to you later. also, jmpsg is mad because jeremy wanted to become a vampire to be with vicki and vicki's dead so now he doesn't want to be a vampire. boohoo.

for the final moments of the episode, i don't think i can do any better than my past self, when she wrote these notes: 'stefan is sitting in a room surrounded by blood bags / HE’S EVIL NOW?!?!?!?!??! / it took one (1) drop of human blood to turn him into raging monster / i can’t believe i might have to like damon.'

#the vampire diaries #semmwatchlog

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to-star-lake · 3 years

Text

one & only

sanzu haruchiyo x f!reader { you're sanzu's one and only. }

18+ minors dni | murder, drug use, dark themes, rough sex, choking, toxic relationship, character death, bonten sanzu

a/n: sanzu's name { 三途 } is written the same as 三途の川 { sanzu-no-kawa, “river of three crossings” or “sanzu river” } which is the japanese buddhist version of the river styx.

sanzu doesn't call you his girlfriend. he'd never use such pedestrian language to describe what you are to him. soulmate is closer. but still, to take everything he felt about you and edit it down to a single word? it wouldn't be possible.

the best he could describe it is perhaps that you were made for him.

the day mikey introduced you to the other executives as bonten's newest advisor, sanzu stood in the back of the room, unconsciously biting his lip as he stared at your clean and crisp white tee shirt, tucked neatly into a pair of black slacks. your perfect skin. your shiny hair pulled back into a neat ponytail. your delicate hands. and the sharp glisten of your eyes. you looked so sincere.

a top scholar and graduate of the national university. your parents had been foreign diplomats. you spoke five languages. all this brilliance packaged neatly behind such a pretty face. oh, you were so perfect. so pristine. i'll make you regret playing with monsters, little princess. sanzu thought he couldn't wait to break you.

it didn't take him long to realize how wrong he was.

he'd stare at your hands, the ones he thought were so delicate, as they beat mercilessly into the skull of a traitor that lay limp beneath you. being a bonten advisor meant you never needed to get your hands dirty. but you didn't mind. and sanzu felt a trickling heat of excitement shimmy up his spine watching the blood splatter across your perfect skin, staining your clean shirt.

he'd listen in awe in the war room as your fingertips traced gracefully over blueprints of the city, and you'd describe plans for a new building downtown. a new shell business to run money through. a merger with a smaller, weaker gang simply as a means to procure disposable foot soldiers for mikey.

on one particular night, he'd sat back and watched you, transfixed, as he pulled the car up beside a dark tinted suv at a stoplight on a deserted street on the outskirts of shinjuku. you'd pointed your gun out the open window, so fast and precise on the trigger, taking out all the passengers in the car. he would've missed the shots with a single blink.

he couldn't recall all the details of the rest of that night. but he woke to find you in his bed the next morning, your naked body tucked comfortably under his sheets beside him.

his head pounded and he tried to remember what happened but all that he could recall were a series of blurred images. of the two of you leaving the war room together after receiving orders from mikey to take out the heads of a rival gang. a vision of your bare thighs, exposed under a short, plaid skirt as you sat in his passenger seat, and the quiet rattle as you attached a silencer to the end of your gun.

he remembered the sound of indistinct chatter and an image of you sitting across from him in a dimly lit restaurant. a vague recollection of a bottle of scotch, of him staring at himself in the restaurant's bathroom mirror as he wiped some white residue from his upper lip. of you, bent over the sink with a straw in your nose. a blurred reel of your legs wrapped around his waist, of him pushing you up against the mirror so hard the glass cracked and you moaned into his open mouth. you sounded as sweet as you tasted.

in the grey winter light here in his bed, he looked at the blotches of blue and purple bruises that lined your neck and chest. at the edge of your perfect lips, a little swollen and the skin a little cracked. at the indentation of teeth marks on your shoulder, red with coagulated blood under the surface.

your eyes fluttered open and for a moment he was afraid. afraid that the cold light of day would be too harsh for you. afraid that all that was mystifying and beautiful in the night would be destroyed by the light. afraid you would leave.

but you'd looked into his eyes for a moment, and your lashes fell closed and you'd snuggled into his side, languidly dragging your arm across his chest.

let's sleep a little more, my head hurts and we still have at least another hour before we have to go meet the others.

oh, your voice sounded so sweet, still raspy with sleep, a lullaby to his ears.

as bonten leaders, he knew a relationship with you was strictly forbidden. he knew what mikey would do if he or any of the others ever found out. and he knew you knew too.

but you simply shrugged your shoulders as you picked up your clothes that were scattered across the floor of his bedroom. like you knew what he was thinking, and said i'm not afraid of them. are you?

he'd laughed at himself then. just who was corrupting who? he wondered.

the time he had with you began to envelope his heart. and the love he felt for you; small, crackling embers at first, had grown into a fire so bright and wild and twisted it could not be extinguished.

you were his partner; his chosen one. he loved the way your knuckles looked when they were bruised and red; such a beautiful contrast against your delicate and soft skin. he loved the way your fingers graced the handle of your gun, the dead calm of your eyes when you pulled the trigger. he was intoxicated with the knowledge that you were watching every time he carried out his duty as executioner.

his infatuation with you burned in his chest when he'd glance up at you, standing in the distance, eyes fixed on him and you'd slowly drag the palm of your hand up your thigh; testing his willpower to not pin you to the ground and tear you apart right then and there in front of his men.

under the cover of darkness, the two of you came alive. going on sprees, speeding through the bright streets of tokyo, the lights around you a blurred spectral of color to your bloodshot, medicated eyes.

in the midnight hours, your bodies would be intertwined, and in your arms he found a sanctuary. your body was the most addicting drug of all. you made all the pain disappear.

the quiet hours of the early morning, when time teetered on the edge of night and day, he'd lay on your chest, and for just a little while, his world would fall quiet. the air around him felt still. he would be coming down from his high, and he could feel everything. but he didn't mind. these small hours of lucidity shone brilliantly in his mind. when he could hear your breathing. feel your heartbeat so vividly beneath your bones. smell the lingering and sweet scent of your skin on his.

he'd become so possessed by you, so possessive of you that one night when he had you laid out beneath him, your legs spread wide for him, and he thought you looked so beautiful like this. so perfect like this for him. your skin, slick with a layer of sweat, luminescent in the moonlight. your lips, parted and choking out shaky pleas for him, begging him not to stop.

he buried himself so deep inside you, nails clawing into your skin, so desperate to be one with you. and he thought no one, no one else would have you like this. he was so intoxicated by the medley of pills in his system, completely unhinged in the euphoria of being inside you, he'd reached for his gun on the nightstand and held it to your forehead, point blank between your eyes.

you didn't even flinch. he watched you knock the gun from his hands, and slide your fingers up his wrists, and pulled his hands to your neck, letting him wrap them around your throat. if you're gonna kill me, do it with your own hands, you'd said.

god, he loved you so much. he wanted you so much, he needed you so much. he'd closed his hands around your neck with the gentlest force and watched your eyes roll back.

say my name, he'd command. and when you did, he closed his hands more forcefully around your delicate neck so he could feel the vibration in your throat as you choked out his name over and over. you'd clenched down so tight around him and he came harder than he ever had, collapsing into you.

he'd slowly let go of you, chest heaving, and gently caress at the skin of your neck, red and starting to bruise.

y/n...if i died, would you die with me? he'd whisper into your skin.

mmh, yeah. you'd whisper back.

i don't want anyone else to have you. i want you to be mine forever. he'd kiss the corner of your lips.

he'd feel your fingers laced up into his hair, your legs wrapped around his hips, pulling him close.

what am i going to do with you...i might really kill you one of these days.

he'd lift his head to look at you. and your expression didn't change a bit. your eyes held the same resolve they always did, and you said, then i'll wait for you by the sanzu river.

this was what flashed through his mind when he walked into one of bonten's warehouses late one evening for a meeting of the executives, and he saw all of them standing in a circle around you, bound and tied, blood streaming from your hairline, your bruised body limp on the concrete.

he fell to his knees then, watching mikey shove the end of his gun against your temple.

did you think i wouldn't find out? mikey's thumb clicked down on the hammer.

he saw your eyes flutter open and find his. you smiled.

the muzzle flash was bright, and the shot rang through the dark, open space.

he stared at the blood pooling from the side of your head into the dust. he felt a single tear roll down his cheek. shit, am i really crying right now? he laughed at himself.

WHO ARE YOU LOYAL TO, SANZU?! mikey demanded.

i'll wait for you by the sanzu river. your words echoed in his mind.

mikey may have been his king. but you were the redeemer, his messiah, his salvation.

the choice was simple.

he pulled his own gun from its holster and held it up to his temple.

i'm on my way, love.

#haruchiyo sanzu x reader #tokyo revengers imagines #tokyo revengers x reader #tokyo revengers smut #tokyo rev #tokyo revengers x you #sanzu haruchiyo #sanzu imagines

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socialisthedgehog · 3 years

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Why “The End Of Evangelion” Is A Cinematic Masterpiece. (Part 1/2)

(EVANGELION STORY SPOILERS OF COURSE)

With the massive commercial success of the original show, the final episodes of Neon Genesis were under heavy scrutiny, and episodes 25 and 26 remain as the most controversial episodes in the series. At the time, people were confused, there was so much setup into SEELE’s and Gendo’s plans, and so many character arcs that just didn’t happen on screen. Instead, these two episodes were a psychological fever dream in the form of a therapy session. This is because Shinji had been given creationary powers by Rei, but this was only learned after the movie. These episodes are abstract and at first viewing, not clear as to what reality is. There was much confusion, disappointment, and anger, so a movie was in order. (Below: A hate mail from an Evangelion viewer reading,"ANNO I'LL KILL YOU, ANNO I'LL KILL YOU".)

Instead of giving in to public demands and showing a clear ending, tying up loose ends and redeeming characters, Anno did the very opposite. End Of Evangelion is even more psychological and brutal than even the show, it is meta, artistic, and bizarre.

The movie begins with a heavy feeling of grief after previous death’s of Kaji, Kaworu, and a version of Rei. Asuka has just suffered a mental breakdown and is in a coma from a fight with an angel. If things couldn’t get worse, SEELE becomes fed up with Gendo and decides to invade NERV headquarters and initiate instrumentality by themselves. Misato has to rescue Shinji in the attack, and get him into a robot, their only means of defending headquarters. After what Shinji did to Asuka (I will speak on this in another analysis) and to Kaworu, Shinji is stricken with grief and self hatred. In a heartbreaking scene, Shinji’s emotions boil over, as he argues and pleads that he doesn’t deserve to be a pilot and that he is a coward. Misato has no choice but to disregard his opinions and desperately get him out of headquarters, saying that if he didn’t go and pilot she would never forgive him. She even goes as for to kiss him and imply sex as a reward, knowing full well she is to die soon after Shinji leaves in NERV’s self destruction sequence. After this, Shinji is thrust in an elevator and breaks down in tears, sounding not like a child, but as if he is going to throw up, sickened by all the death around him and himself.

Meanwhile, Asuka has been sitting in the bottom of a lake in Unit 02, unable to synchronize from her mental breakdown. She is attacked by bombing, and screams out “I DONT WANT TO DIE”, and has a vision come to her, revealing that the soul of her dead mother was in fact in Unit 02 protecting her. She flies triumphantly out of the water, stronger than ever, soundtrack soaring, and destroying SEELE attack helicopters. SEELE then releases the terrifying mass produced evas, winged beasts without souls, to kill Asuka. What happens next is my personal favorite fight scene in anime, and all film. Asuka takes stride and confidence in massacring all of the evas attacking her. The movement is so real and you can feel every swing, every desperate hack and slice. The evas then come back to life in a freakish and disgusting manner, and attack a vulnerable Asuka with only seconds remaining in her Unit 02. She is hit with the spear of Longinus through the eye, and devoured by the abominations. Even after all of this, she still has fight in her, and reaches for the sky, chanting “I’LL KILL YOU”, until she suddenly speared again throughout her entire body, her eva completely mangled.

Shinji overheard Asuka’s revelation about her mother, and when he asks “Mother?”, his Eva reaches its hand to him all on it’s own. Yui is calling to him. Once inside, the mass produced Evas begin the third impact ritual. Raising Unit 01 and Shinji into the sky in a cross formation with the spear. Shinji then sees the corpse of Asuka, and mentally shatters. It has all come to this, Shinji’s total ego collapse. He lets out a pained, blood curdling scream, and the camera fades into desolate winds. Third Impact has just begun. And intermission plays.

#evangelion #end of evangelion #neon genesis evangelion #evangelion kaworu #Shinji Ikari #evangelion anime #analysis #critique #review #anime movie #classic anime #90s anime

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ironwoodprotectionsquad · 2 years

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I personally do believe there's a chance that Ironwood is alive. They treated him bad in Volume 8, and above all he wanted to destroy Salem. He's earned the redemption arc more than any other character. It seems that RWBY will continue to do this, as we've seen with Emerald and Hazel. I personally don't see how Hazel earned it... he literally tortured Oscar for days and I can't remember if he apologized to Oscar. Especially with the way they're going with Neo. Who was always annoyed by Cinder and now was 'betrayed' by Cinder. Betrayed in the sense that Cinder kicked her and Ruby off the bridge. I really hope CRWBY does better character development in Volume 9, the only part of Volume 8 I enjoyed was Oscar's arc. I've come a long way for his character, from not really focusing on him. (Since he didn't get as much screen time in my opinion.) Now he's one of the only reasons I'll continue to watch RWBY... and the hopes of James return.

We didn't see his body so technically their is a chance he is alive, but the Wiki states that he died in Atlas and while that is technically not canon it does match along with what one of the writers (I really can't remember which one) said that he was dead when a fan asked in a cameo where a fan had to pay to get this answer they made the joke for him to "Rest in Pieces" (more ableism on CRWBYs part). On the one hand I want him to be alive and be redeemed and find hope and fucking peace finally but on the other...I just don't have any hope left that CRWBY could be bothered to do it justice.

We've seen time and time again how CRWBY has repeatedly and poorly handled plotlines around trauma and dealing with it along with other sensitive topics. They keep insisting they just didn't know better but then never bother to try and learn and be better. I'm terrified that best case scenario if he did somehow survive his redemption would just end in him dying all over again after having begged on his hands and knees for forgiveness for never ever doing anything right ever and having been always super duper evil and horrible. I hope I am wrong but....I really don't have any faith that CRWBY will bring him back or treat him with any more respect then they did in volume 8. In some ways its probably better if he stay dead because somehow I have a feeling it will only get worse if he comes back.

#RWDE #james ironwood #ironwood protection squad #pro james ironwood #pro ironwood #general ironwood #general dadmiral #dadmiral ironwood #Why do my favorite characters keep dying?#why can't I have nice things?

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casmybelovedass · 4 years

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The Destiel Folder: Season 7

[Season 4; Season 5; Season 6]

This season is mostly Dean being a depressed bi who can't cope with his crush's death.

This is, in my opinion, the season where Dean actually starts realizing he might for real think of Cas as something more.

Episode 1:

Cas is basically gone, both Bobby and Sam (almost) are ready to compel to whatever he says, but Dean still tries to get him to come back. "You can turn this around. Please!" (3:13) Denial

Dean has no idea how to deal with God!Castiel, but desperate to find him, and getting emotional "I don't even know what book to hit for this." "Then figure it out!" (5:47) Anger

As we have said many times already, angels don't have a sex, Castiel is not a man, and as he states, he is "utterly indifferent to sexual orientation" (8:03), and so is Chuck, God himself, who has admitted having had both girlfriends and boyfriends.

Dean turns off the news the moment he hears a woman describe Cas as "young and sexy", while doing that jaw clentch thing of his (10:14) ... huh... [and this doesn't really matter, but after this we immediately see Dean in a purple flannel. PURPLE! Go Bi!Dean]

"He's not a guy, he's a God [...] Cas is never coming back. He's lied to us, he's used us, he's cracked your gourd like it was nothing. No more talk. We've spent enough on him." (11:09) Dean trying to jump to the 5th stage of grief. Yeah, no baby that's not how it works

Dean tries so hard to convince himself that Cas's gone so he can kill him, but can't really. "Just kill him now!" and struggles hard to hold Castiel's glare. And as soon as Death offers a second option to killing him, Dean takes it. Bargening

"Dean, look, I know you think Cas is gone." "That's because he is." (31:22) Again with trying to jump to acceptance. Not doing great, Dean. In fact, "Yeah, you know how I'm gonna deal? I'm gonna stuff my pie hole, I'm gonna drink, and I'm gonna watch some asian cartoon porn. And act like the world's about to explode, because it is." (32:17) There it is. Depression.

[Remember this: Dean has no shame in watching porn in front of his brother. Wait a few seasons and see]

Just moments earlier, Dean was all "That's not Cas, Cas is dead" and shit, and now he goes "What? You need something else?" worried-husband-mode the moment Cas asks for help (34:50). Also#MARRIED (35:16)

Bobby: "Where's Sam? It's go time." Dean: *looks back at Cas worried* (37:12)

MUST HELP HUSBAND (38:06) look at Dean's eyes!!! They're like 'It's okay, it's okay. You've got this.' "I'm sorry, Dean." Cas chose these words to be his last, thinking he was going to die. LOOK AT DEAN (38:21) ICWAW this would MEAN SOMETHING ELSE

"CAS! [...] Is he breathing? ... Maybe angels don't need to breathe." says the one who was going around saying Cas was gone for good. "He's gone, Dean." "... damn it... *tears up* Cas, you child... Why didn't you listen to me." #MARRIED (39:15) Then he goes "CAS?!" as soon as he starts breathing again. ICWAW, we would SCREAM "LOVE" in this scene

"Imma find some way to redeem myself to you *looks at Dean straight in the eyes*" "*looks at Cas up and down*... Alright, well, one thing at the time, come on. Let's get you out of here." "I mean it, Dean." *eye love-making* "... Okay." (40:30) ICWAW, oooohhh, the meanings this scene would have...

Dean's face when the Leviathans tell him Cas is dead. Again. (41:18)

Episode 2:

Dean looking at the Leviathans occupying Cas' body. The HATE (1:44)

"... okay... so he's gone. *shakes while tearing up* [...] Dumb son of a bitch..." (5:14) Here we go again... I'm fine, shut up

Dean picks up, washes, folds and keeps Cas' coat (5:23) SWEET

"You just lost one of the best friends you've ever had." this hurts me. "... I'm fine, really." (12:11)

"You asked me how I was doing? Well, not good." (38:54)

Episode 5:

Dean progressively drinks more as his nightmares get worse and he misses Cas more and more. 3 times we see him drink, only in the first 12 minutes.

Sam can tell Dean feels like shit, and bet one of those reasons is Cas "Like it or not, the stuff you don't talk about, it doesn't just go away. It builds up." (39:33) Yeah, and not only problems or grief... even love

Episode 7:

Not a destiel moment, but Dean totally got hit on by the waiter. LOL (7:30)

And again. What is it with men in this town and Dean. "We're looking for a necklace." "Romantic. *looks at Dean*" (12:17). Is it an energy reading thing or something? Can they feel the bi energy?

"The Campbell brothers. [...] They weren't actually brothers. That was a cover for their, uhm... alternative life style." (22:40) Huh... I guess calling your lover "brother" runs in the family

"Ever since Cas... I'm having a hard time trusting anybody." (40:44) ouch

Episode 9:

Dean is drunk/high on Leviathan juice, and the first thing he thinks and blabbers about, is Cas (19:48) "I don't even care anymore." Oooohh ICWAW... the possibilities for this scene

Episode 12:

Dean totally checked out that man in uniform. FIGHT ME (16:27)

Episode 13:

"You're head's not in it, man. When Cas died, you were wobbly, but now-" "Now what!!" (39:35) as soon as Sam mentions Cas' death, Dean gets snappy

Episode 17:

Dean keeps getting snappy whenever Sam mentions Cas

"OH my God the love of my life is alive!" (13:02-13:06)

Dean's face when Daphne touches Cas (13:25), and when he calls her his wife (13:41)

AND HIS FUCKING FACE TRYING NOT TO TEAR UP BECAUSE CAS DOESN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT HIM (14:16)

You mean to tell me that ICWAW this wouldn't be seen as a mini desperation moment from a man seeing his lover in this situation? Yeah, I don't think so

"What if you were some sort of... I don't know, bad guy." "I... I don't feel like a bad person." Dean's face is like "Damn right you aren't" (16:50)

"He betrayed you, this dude. He was your friend?" Dean looking at him... can't even answer the question (19:59)

Dean says Cas' betrayal is something he cant get over like everything else. And that he doesn't know why. "It doesn't matter why." "Of course it matters!" (20:25)

Dean gets visibly uneasy about Meg being so close to Cas (25:34) jealous boyfriend is jealous

Dean doesn't want Cas to remember, afraid he'll leave again (32:18)

"I've known you for years!" (32:34) poor baby. Also "You're an angel." "Uhm, I'm sorry? Is that a flirtation?" DEAN'S FACE (32:42)

Dean doesn't want Cas to be hurt by his own memories and past actions (33:00)

"You used to fight together. Bestest friends, actually." Yeah, look at that reaction. Let's see how he reacts to being called his boyfriend later on (33:09)

#MARRIED!!! I'll just leave this. No comment (33:41)

As Cas regains his memories, only 2 of the ones we see are not of Dean. And the only one we hear is the "I'm sorry, Dean." . That is what matters to Cas (and this looks like a slash video. Kudos to the editors) "I remember you... I remember everything." Yeah, no-homo save (34:35)

Not even an hour earlier, Dean was ranting about Cas betraying him, how he couldn't forget and forgive him, and now he is saying Cas did "the best you could at the time", but Cas actually feels guilt and doesn't want Dean to defend him, but Dean does anyway (36:53)

"We didn't part as friends, Dean." "*looks at Cas up and down*... So what?" "I deserved to die." the look on Dean's face (37:18)

Dean gives Cas his trench coat back. The trench coat he kept, folded and all the the truck, for weeks. And that's not even Baby. So he moved the coat, to always have it with him (37:26). I'm not crying, shut up

Also, here, have a deleted scene that breaks my heart

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Episode 20:

Let us all appreciate that one time Dean helped a lesbian flirt with a dude (24:27-25:03)

Episode 21:

Dean is devastated about Cas' mental state, that he did that to himself to save Sam. Look at his eyes in this scene (16:08). Also, Dean still resents Cas for the whole 'New God' crap, but it feels like the real reason is the fact that he left (19:18)

"Cas! Don't make me pull this car over!" "Are you angry? Why are you angry? *puppy eyes*" "... No I-I'm..." #MARRIED (27:28)

Cas says he won't fight anymore, but as soon as Dean's in trouble, he FLIPS

"The angels... they don't care... I think maybe they don't have the equipment to care." (31:49) Touchy much, Dean?, are you trying to convince yourself about that? It feels like he's making excuses to not let himself feel anything for Cas. "It seems like when they try, it just... breaks them apart." ... OK, fuck everything, ICWAW this would totally be seen as romantic angsty reference to Cas

Cas is so lost in his guilt for what he has caused. He looks like a baby, and it gets worse when it comes to Dean

"Why should we give you anything? After everything you have taken from us? The very touch of you curropts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost!" (36:50) okay damn, ICWAW all of this would seem as if they were talking about a love relationship between the two and you can't tell me otherwise

'HURT HUSBAND-MUST PROTECT MODE' (37:17)

"The bone of a righteous mortal and the blood of a fallen angel" ... shut up, I'm dying over these clues (39:11)

"What are you gonna do, Cas?" Dean's eyes are begging him to stay. ICWAW, we would point that out without a shadow of a doubt (39:40)

Episode 23:

"Dude... on my car. He showed up naked... covered in bees!" ... come on, ICWAW this would be a HUGE deal (5:10)

"Go ask him. He was your boyfriend first." (8:51) LISTEN HERE. I study psychology, and one of the first things they teach you is that jokes are based on the truth. HOW MANY OF THESE JOKES WERE MADE?! HUH??!! (plus all the "Dick" jokes Sam made) Also Dean's reaction with the jaw clentch... just saying

Cas keeps stating he doesn't want to fight, but again, Dean's in trouble? FIGHT MODE

"*soft shoulder touch, puppy eyes, serves Dean a sandwich*" ... SOFT #MARRIED COUPLE (18:27)

"You got anything to say on the topic of dicks?" you'd like that, wouldn't you, Dean? (26:42)

Cas is afraid he will do something to cause Dean more trouble. Let's remember he chose what he believed were his last words to be "I'm sorry, Dean.", but as we know, Dean deals with feelings by showing anger... Cas gets upset and copes by playing twister... pathetic. "I can't help. [...] I destroyed everything and I will destroy everything again!" for a moment, Cas is lucid, and expresses his fear, but as soon as Dean gets angry with him, Cas gows back to hide in his world of crazy (26:47)

"I'm not good luck, Dean." "... You know what? [...] I'd rather have you. Cursed or not." Look at Cas' soft little smile as it grows. ICWAW, this would be read as another confession (32:38)

"I'll go with you." SOFT

SEE??! The MOMENT Dick threatens Dean, Cas goes full Angel of the Lord on his ass. MUST PROTECT HUSBAND (36:52) and the utter shock on Dean's face is priceless

And here comes PurGAYtory

[Season 8>>]

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silverwings22 · 3 years

Text

Let Me Go: Prologue

Trying my hand at Tumblr fanfiction! I absolutely ADORE The Mandalorian, and Din Djarin especially. I hope anyone who reads this enjoys, and I'll be updating as I edit the draft I have.

This is canon-compliant (for the most part) and following the show as we eagerly await season 3.

This fic will be mature, so please if you're under 18 click away.

It will also be featured on my AO3 at https://archiveofourown.org/works/31770277/chapters/78641761

Series Warnings: SMUT, reference to character deaths, canon-typical violence, some dom/sub aspects if you squint, Force ghosts, adult language, Order 66, PTSD, reference to child abuse and childhood trauma, and possible misunderstandings on the writers part of how the Force works.

Chapter Warnings: Reference to severe injury, Force ghosts, childhood trauma, adult language, mentions of past sex (no description)

Next chapter: https://silverwings22.tumblr.com/post/653223455177818112/let-me-go-chapter-1

Title is based on the 3 Doors Down song "Let Me Go" and every chapter is titled with a lyric from the song.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Prologue: One More Kiss Could Be the Best Thing

Starting over was easy.

Clumpy black goop dripped on the gray durasteel sink inside a tiny closet sized ‘fresher, the young woman inside rubbing it onto her head with gloved hands and carefully dabbing it onto her eyebrows in neat lines. Her eyes were a cool gray blue, staring into the mirror to make sure she got every bit of her short hair with the dye she worked through. The pale platinum blonde at the roots vanished, and as she worked it to the tips the faded grayish undertone darked to jet.

Once she was satisfied with her hair she wrapped it in a sheet of thin duraplastoid to keep it from dripping. She was too practiced at this by now to let the tell-tale gray marks on her skin give her away. She wiped down her hairline and ears, then stepped out into her tiny little apartment to carry on with her day. The apartment was cheap, a single room with a fresher and kitchenette attached. She’d gotten lucky, it was above a little storefront she’d managed to buy to keep herself afloat by growing and selling medicinal plants and salves made from them. She was off work for the afternoon, there was no reason to rush or see anyone, and she needed to do laundry and clean up. The grocery list needed finishing too, and she could go to the market once her hair was done.

She had been in Nevarro since just after the fall of the Empire. It was the longest she’d ever stayed in one place since she was a child, she’d actually started to know people and be recognized around town. She wouldn’t exactly call anyone friends, but it was familiar and solid as the volcanic earth beneath her feet. Almost like putting down roots... It felt odd to have those again, even if the people she interacted with didn’t know the truth from the lie. That was the beauty of the aftermath of war, though. Everything was displaced, with lives so easily wrecked there was no one to say she wasn’t exactly who she claimed to be. More importantly, there was always a handy unspoken reason to not want to talk about the past.

Speaking of which….

“How long are you going to stay here? You have obligations.” A man was standing in the corner of her apartment, in a creme colored tabard and a brown robe. He had ginger hair and a neat beard, and was faintly transparent. And not so faintly grouchy, the irritation bleeding through his cultured Coruscanti accent.

“As long as I want. Forever sounds good.” She stretched lazily out on her battered couch, curling expertly to avoid the broken spring that always wanted to dig itself into her left hip. She still had a sizeable bruise there from falling asleep on the couch a few days before, instead of going to her equally battered but less uncomfortable bed after a long day drying jorgan fruits to sweeten her medicinal teas.

“Zenaria…” He huffed. “You should have long since returned to-”

“I will rot before I go back there.'' She cut him off. “And don’t you dare think you can pull him in here to guilt me. Do you know how long it took me to stop panicking last time? I lost three days of work.” She rolled up the edge of the shorts she was wearing around the house, eying the fading circle of purple and yellow on her hip and trying to ignore her spectral guest. Her pale skin marked up so easily with the least little pressure, scars lingered for years in bright pink before they finally faded to silvery white. Her arms were more scarred than her legs from years in heavy duraweave pants and boots, and the constant exposure to some kind of danger or another.

“I’m sorry, it was never my intention to frighten you my darling.” He murmured. “I thought you needed to... Talk.”

“I don’t mind the fact that you’re haunting me, if a little confused as to why you’re bothering to waste your afterlife on my banthashit. But I never want to see him again. Not even dead. Not redeemed or whatever happened.” she said sourly, looking away from him to disguise a panicked expression with petulance. “I don’t owe him my forgiveness. I don’t owe him shit.” Her teeth gritted. “And I can’t pay you what I owe you so I don’t understand why you don’t go somewhere you’re treated nicer.”

“Dear one, aren’t you tired of running from your destiny?” his voice was so kind, actually considered for a moment the enormity of what he was asking her. Sometimes she was tired of running… but she was more tired of failing every time she tried to be anything more than mediocre.

Zena sighed, tugging up her loose shirt a little more. A round, still pinkish scar sat between her navel and sternum, about as big around as her looped index and thumb could circle. “Would you look at that? It’s still here… so nope.”

The ghostly face looked sad, and walked over to her. Well, he made the motion of walking, but he sort of glided like a holo recording until he was in front of her. “I’m so sorry, my dear girl.” She closed her eyes, feeling a cool tingling on her forehead when the spirit pressed a kiss to it. “I’ll be back to check on you soon… there’s so much you’re capable of, when you’re ready. And I’ll be here until you are.” He faded away as she opened her eyes, leaving her deflating on the couch with her hand over the ugly scar on her middle.

She looked down and eyed it again. It was a horrible reminder, but she doubted anyone she decided to let see her body would really notice; her experience with most men told her they rarely looked anywhere but the chest and apex of her thighs. Not that her sex life hadn’t been one long dry spell for the last few years… noone got laid when being haunted by a father figure. The very air turned to parental disapproval and even those who weren’t Force sensitive still noted something was off.

Pity about it, too. She’d always thought she had a nice face. Not exactly vanity, but she could admit it was symmetrical and soft featured, with expressive eyes. She kept her hair short, never longer than her shoulders, so as not to bring too much attention to it, though she couldn’t help but play around with scraps of fabric until she’d made false flowers to decorate a headband, and wore that almost every day. The bright colors stood out on her midnight black hair that she religiously touched up with dye.

She sighed, stretching herself out again and pulling her shirt down again. She found a million reasons to complain when the ghost was there… but she missed him the second he was gone. Or maybe… she missed when he’d been alive. She missed the closeness they’d shared until she’d fucked everything up. She missed making him proud of her, instead of knowing he was spending his precious afterlife waiting for her to get her shit together. And she was refusing to.

She’d spent all her life running away from what she wished she could hold in her hands one more time.

Yes, starting over was easy. It was the constant fight to destroy who you used to be that was hard.

#the mandalorian #din djarin #mando smut #smut fic #ptsd #eventual smut #orginal character #star wars #fluff fic #explict

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flowerflamestars · 3 years

Note

Darlingg, (can I call you that? I'll stop if you don't want me to) have you seen the latest sneak peak? With Eris and all? I crave your thoughts on the sneak peak and I honestly have no idea what to think about it

Hi!! I have, and let me say, my feelings are mixed.

You know that sound, when you’re in a coffeeshop, and the espresso machine expunges steam? Like a muted, nicer, kettle shriek? That’s the noise my brain made seeing the sneak peek.

List, because it sparked a whole wildfire:

1. Nesta glowing!! Nesta dancing! Nesta, who conquered Death! Just the implication that she’s okay, that she’s feeling strong again? Hope, reignited.

2. Cassian on the sidelines actually makes me...very happy? I want them together eventually, but the fact he’s just watching? So good. So, deserved? He can’t go from creepily following her, telling her she’s unlovable, being complicit in her banishment to Partner. He’s got to earn it, and frankly? I hope it aches.

3. Autumn. When the cover came out there was that whole, orange = autumn court thing? The other covers in that style aren’t super plot indicative, but it did seem weird that it wasn’t red. Repeatedly, red is Cassian’s color. (Hello, love triangle Morrigan wearing nothing but the color of his siphons and power, never, ever Azriel’s blue or black).

Nesta sticks to cool colors: purple (feeling strong as a mortal, going toe to toe with Cas), blue, black (severe and powerful against the high lords), flat grey (in the depths of misery), silver (for her power).

SJM does use consistent color for character cues in acotar so it seems...off? Interesting, at least.

Which, just to divert into setting, are they in Autumn in this scene?? Are we somehow going to go from banishment > fight/healing > Nesta, being the actual Night Court emissary after they threw her away?

The plot is not what I thought, and that is both intriguing and confounding. But yes! Nesta finally...doing a thing? hopefully of her own volition? Devouring the moon? Gimme, that’s the Nesta that was always there, finally out.

4. Eris.

Okay, so before I even talk about how I..don’t really care for this character, let’s recall what is actually canon, about Eris:

He was engaged to Morrigan. They...I think, never met before that? Mor tried to escape the betrothal by sleeping with Cassian, invoking the ire of her family who brutally tortured her and left her for dead with a note NAILED to her body on Autumn land.

From canon, with specificity that I think implies some kind of understood rules between Courts: Eris did not touch her.

We seem to be meant to understand that if he had, he would have been forced to take her in, to bring her into the Autumn Court. He doesn’t do that- which is perhaps both a single moment of kindness that kept them both from being trapped and, conversely, QUITE LITERALLY, leaving her for dead.

He was aware of, if not directly involved in, the death of Lucien’s lowborn lover. There’s some handwavy detail stuff over who did the the murdering, but Lucien seems to hate him for it and the feeling is definitely mutual. We don’t know what he actually did.

He wants Beron’s throne. He’s not??? Heir?? (there seems to be some sense that since Lucien was the most powerful it was feared he’d inherit because Lordship = magical destiny) But he also seems fairly sure that with proper allies and Beron dead he could seize control? We don’t know enough for this to make sense.

What we DO know is that he hates his father. Sound familiar?

He’s on his second round of alliances with Keir, and now assured by Rhys, to come after Beron. (Which makes the Morrigan marriage thing even more suspect. If shes ‘the most powerful of her bloodline’ how does marrying her out benefit Keir? If Eris just wanted her power, why did he reject the marriage? My nascent theory is switchroo? Keir helps Eris take Autumn, Autumn helps Keir reclaim Night for his bloodline. Mutual heirs inherit two newly crowned kingdoms...so again, WHY did Eris not want Mor?)

He’s a bastard, a villain, a fucking rat...and we actually know nothing about him. HMMM?

He’s the monster in Morrigans nightmares. Because she saw him, when he found in the forest, and watched him leave? Because marrying him meant, in a very real way, doom? He makes it easy: he’s rude as hell to her, and clearly despises her right back for ??? reasons.

It would have been SO SO easy to leave him there, the monstrous asshole son of a particularly monstrous, hated High Lord.

But the books keep bringing him back. Rhys is willing to make deals with him. Our entire main cast is now tied in with an Autumn coup in the making.

Why?

Because sjm loves nothing more than taking a bad, bad man, and cracking him open like a walnut to say: look, I’m a monster. I know I’m a monster. But I did it to survive. For love. For a just cause. Because a greater power made me and I wanted to live.

And it’s echoed by a female character going: no, you are, but I see you.

And wiping it all away, even if the bad actions continue, because it was a Mask. A Game. See: Rhysand. Tamlins shitty forgiveness plotline. Az and Cassian’s Court of Nightmares cosplay.

And Eris just...is not the character I’d have ever picked for redemption? (Or fucking Tamlin, for that matter) Because a weird thing happens where male asshole characters are Redeemed Through the Gaze of Love feat. inappropriate flirting and female characters who aren’t nice (not even villians! just, you know, not nice), need to apologize. To change.

Yes, I’m talking about Nesta. Because this is her book!

It’s a wildcard, but retrospectively, it’s set up in the text? Not my fav. At all.

When we all said hey, wouldn’t it be really, really good if Nesta had a friend separate from the IC, maybe from another court? We did not mean the catchall IC boogeymen everyone maybe? justifiably wants dead.

5. Canon outside canon. Sjm has been previously, totally open with the fact that in the original/early drafts, Nesta was actually meant for Lucien. See: the fire on her drawer. She’s always been interested in an Autumn matchup for Nesta.

We know that the villain of Nesta’s story is the Queens.

Does Eris come in because of Lucien, who is spending all his time, hey, with one of the only Queens who isn’t evil? Does Nesta get dragged into the coup? Does Nesta involve herself in the coup because there was some question as to whether Beron might have been colluding with Hybern + ish the Mortal Queens?

6. Guys, I love a ball scene. I love this simple show of power and grace- does Nesta trust Eris or does Nesta simply, finally, trust herself? Either way, she’s killing it, and it is FUCKING CASSIAN UP. This who we always knew existed- Nesta who can play the game. Who can do the courtly bullshit, even if she has no time for it. Who is beautiful and powerful, and I hope, wearing the Most Incredible Dress. (I hope it isn’t red).

The more I think about it, the more these Nesta, Eris lines in the text revoltingly add up? Ugh. The Older Vilified Sibling who was doing their one Rebellion Against the Shitty Parent, misconstrued. Team: wow, Mor Hates Us, huh?. Team: You don’t know me, or what I’ve done. Everything We Did in War retroactively Doesn’t Matter Because We’re Assholes. Fire and Brimstone. Maybe we were fucking trapped and You Don’t Get to Judge the Escape.

Cool cool cool, I kind of hate that. Please let it be a spite dance.

In sum: the snippet both wildly renewed my interest and also I keep going ERIS?? ERIS?, but maybe it won’t be as bad as it seems. It is, after all, a very short little section and it proved at least once thing: Nesta’s going to be strong again, seemingly healthy again, and that’s all I wanted.

p.s. (Darling is the nicest, of course you can. I call everyone kind of any iteration of ‘lovely’ or babe’, but if that ever makes you uncomfy let me know!)

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ineffablebffs · 3 years

Text

1. A Better Son/Daughter by Rilo Kiley

Your ship may be coming in

You're weak but not giving in

To the cries and the wails of the valley below

And your ship may be coming in

You're weak, but not giving in

You'll fight it, you'll go out fighting all of them

(You'll be better

You'll be smarter and more grown up

And a better daughter or son)

2. Wake Up by Arcade Fire

Somebody filled up

My heart with nothing

Somebody told me not to cry

But now that I'm older

My heart's colder

I can see that it's a lie

3. Everything is Alright by The Glorious Sons

I'm the closest thing my mother had to a daughter

I used to be ashamed of that but now I'm kind of flattered

I learn that my weakness is a weapon anyway

So I haven't touched a pretty thing in forty days

4. The Mother We Share by CHVRCHES

Come in misery, where you can seem as old as your omens

And the mother we share

Will never keep your proud head from falling

The way is long, but you can make it easy on me

And the mother we share

Will never keep our cold heart from calling

5. BLOODMONEY by Poppy

I know what it feels like

To have my soul sucked out of my body

I finally know what it feels like

To be dead

Your soul can't be saved from the sins you've ignored

And the devil is well aware he is adored

Never forget the excess of a man

Because the grabbing hands always grab what they can

6. Video Game by Sufjan Stevens

I don’t wanna be the center of the universe

I don’t wanna be a part of that shame

In a way, I wanna be my own redeemer

I don’t wanna play your video game

I don’t care if everybody else is into it

I don’t care if it’s a popular refrain

I don’t wanna be a puppet in a theater

I don’t wanna play your video game

7. Rebellion (Lies) by Arcade Fire

People say that your dreams

Are the only things that save ya

Come on baby in our dreams,

We can live our misbehaviour

(Come on hide your lovers

Underneath the covers)

8. Reasons I Drink by Alanis Morissette

I have been working since I can remember, since I was single digits

Now, even though I've been busted

I don't know where to draw the line 'cause that groove has gotten so deep

And nothing can give reprieve like they do

Nothing can give a break for this soldier like they do

9. Black Sheep by Metric

Hello again

Friend of a friend, I knew you when

Our common goal was waiting for the world to end

Now that the truth is just a rule that you can bend

You crack the whip, shape-shift and trick, the past again

I'll send you my love on a wire

Lift you up, every time

Everyone, ooh

Pulls away, ooh

From you

10. Young and Menace by Fall Out Boy

We've gone way too fast for way too long

And we were never supposed to make it half this far

And I lived so much life, lived so much life

I think that God is gonna have to kill me twice

(Oops I did it again

I forgot what I was losing my mind about)

11. Red Heart by Hey Rosetta!

Were you born a closed book,

Full of secret lines? (and bound so tight)

Or did you learn to lock it,

As not to break your spine? (oh! you were bound so tight)

Cause you shut up

And you're all shut inside

12. Gay is Not A Synonym For Shitty by Fall Out Boy

I've loved everything about you that hurt

So let me see your moves, let me see your moves

Lips pressed close to mine

True blue

But the prince of any failing empire knows that

Everybody wants, everybody wants

To drive on through the night if it's a

Drive back home

13. Combat Baby by Metric

I want to be wrong but

No one here wants to fight me like you do

Combat baby come back baby

Fight off the lethargy

Don't go quietly

Combat baby

Said you would never give up easy

Combat baby come back

14. It's Not a Side Effect of the Cocaine, I Am Thinking it Must be Love by Fall Out Boy

All the ways you make my stomach turn

And all the long drives

With my friends blur

And I wish I kept them inside my mind

I hide behind these words

(But I'm coming out)

15. Ivy by Frank Ocean

I thought that I was dreamin' when you said you loved me

The start of nothin', I had no chance to prepare

I couldn't see you comin'

The start of nothin', ooh, I could hate you now

It's quite alright to hate me now

But we both know that deep down

The feeling still deep down is good

16. Blue Eyes by Mika

Your heart is broken

To your surprise

You're sick of crying

For blue eyes

(Come, sorrow is so peculiar

Comes in a day, then it'll never leave you)

17. The Fault in Our Stars by Troye Sivan

The weight

Of a simple human emotion

Weighs me down

More than the tank ever did

The pain

It's determined and demanding

To ache, but I'm OK

(You lost

A part of your existence

In the war against yourself)

18. Happy Ending by Mika

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life

Can't get no love without sacrifice

If anything should happen, I'd guess I wish you well

Mm, a little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

(This is the way you left me

I'm not pretending

No hope, no love, no glory

No happy ending)

19. In Our Bedroom After the War by Stars

Wake up, say good morning to

That sleepy person lying next to you

If there's no one there, then there's no one there

But at least the war is over

20. Love Love Love by The Mountain Goats

Some things you'll do for money and some you'll do for fun

But the things you do for love are going to come back to you one by one

Love love is going to lead you by the hand

Into a white and soundless place

Now we see things as in a mirror dimly

Then we shall see each other face to face

~BONUS TRASH TRACKS~

21. The Archers Bows Have Broken by Brand New

What did you learn tonight?

You're shouting so loud, you barely joyous, broken thing

You're a voice that never sings, is what I say

You are freezing over hell

You are bringing on the end, you do so well

You can only blame yourself, it's what I say

22. All-American Boy by Steve Grand

Ripped jeans, only drinks whiskey

I find him by the fire while his girl was getting frisky, oh...

I say we go this road tonight

He smiles, his arm's around her

But his eyes are holdin' me, just a captive to his wonder, oh...

I say we go this road tonight

#spn #playlist #music #this is the dean playlist #suicide tw for the mountain goats song #in black sheep i kept thinking send you my love on a wire #was like prayer #and yeah all of MANIA is deancas #i made both playlists without using Church and you should be proud of that #i was like is there too much fob?#then i was like haha not for cariño #Spotify #also i went into the VAULT for this #it is like half the same playlist i would have made in college about this #it is like half of the same playlist i would have made in high school about anything

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septembersung · 7 years

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This month it's my 25th birthday and I'm dreading it - it's such a long time to be an utter waste of space and grace. I've decided to kill myself on that day and I can't stop planning it. I don't want to go to hell. But I feel I just can't go on like this while nothing ever changes, it feels like hell already. Maybe at least with a suicide letter I might actually do some good. I'll be away from my oppressive home that day, but also lonely. I don't deserve it, but please pray I find some meaning.

Dear anon,

I am begging you to reconsider planning to kill yourself.

I have been in and out of a place very much like what you are in. I say that so you will know that everything I’m about to say comes from first-hand, hard-won experience.

What you are experiencing are obsessive thoughts. They are not true. They are not reality. They are not you. You are carrying a cross, and just like Jesus on the way to Calvary, you can’t do it alone. Please reach out to a professional. You might try text-based counseling: https://www.crisistextline.org/textline/. Obsessive thoughts can helped with therapy and medication.

If there is only one true, observable, universal thing about this life, it’s that everything changes. When we are so oppressed we cannot see the change or the possibility for change, that should be a red flag: we are being deceived.

I strongly encourage you to seek spiritual counseling in addition to the psychological. Go to confession or ask for a meeting with a priest. (You mentioned hell and almost all my followers are Catholic, so I’m assuming you are.) Read the Psalms. If praying feels impossible, if it feels awful, you’re on the right track - don’t give up. It is when we seek our Father, and when we are most blessed by Him, that the Enemy attacks us most strongly. If you need a place to start, perhaps Psalm 102 or 137. All that is asked of us is that we keep on going on. We don’t have to “feel” it, we don’t have to “like” it. We have to say the words. Or, when words fail, internally hand over the agony of our heart to our Father.

You are God’s beloved. He created you for a purpose and He has never, will never, can never, abandon you. You are a child of God redeemed by the most precious blood of Jesus Christ. When He sweated blood in His agony in the garden of Gethsemane, He was thinking of you, in your agony. Think of Him, and don’t let go. We are all fallen, sinful human beings who don’t “deserve” grace - but we have been given it anyway. God desires that everyone be saved (1 Timothy 2:4) - that means that He has given you grace and meaning, created you for happiness and a purpose, and He will help you find it. Twenty-five years isn’t so long; Abraham was promised a son, to be the father of a nation, when he was a young man, and he was a hundred years old before that promise came to fruition - and then he thought he was being asked to give it up, on Mount Moriah. But by then he trusted God, even in his agony over losing his son of the promise, and in the end, of course, God saved him and his son. While we are still alive, we can discover our purpose and the shape of our happiness, become sensible to it, engage it and grow in it and live in it. But once we are dead, we can no longer change. When we are dead, we no longer have the opportunity to encounter and live our purpose.

When is your birthday? I insist on knowing so that I can wish you a very happy birthday and many returns on the day of. I strongly encourage you to open a message thread with me so we can talk privately and more easily.

I am praying for you and I want to help. But, I am not a professional in matters of mental health or problem solving. I can listen, I can commiserate, I can share my own experience–but you need someone trained in hacking a way out of the thicket of depression to guide you. Please google resources in your area, or try the text hotline.

The hardest part is admitting there’s a problem. You must want to take that step, or you wouldn’t have messaged me. I’m glad you did, and I hope you will contact the other people who want to help and who have the knowledge and expertise to do so. Letters only make a definitive difference when they are attached to the living person who wrote them so that they can be responded to, explained, entered into dialogue with. That is why suicide letters do not accomplish good but only pain and misunderstanding, and why Our Lord gave us not only a written account of salvation, but also His Mystical the Body the Church, guided by the Holy Spirit. If there is someone you need to talk to, it might be a good idea to go ahead and write them. But not in a suicide letter. There is incredible help and solace for the soul in agony in Scripture, but its full consolation will only be experienced in its living community, the Church. I’m so glad you reached out to me; I hope you will reach out to the others in your life who need to hear from you, including friends, family, and your priest.

I am praying for you. God be with you.

#suicide prevention #suicide #conversations #followers if you have any suicide prevention resources please link them in replies or reblogs #Anonymous #catholic #prayer request

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inquisitorextraordinaire · 7 years

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OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT, this one has stumped me since you sent it(three attempts, mags. three.) so if you wanna do something quick with it, I'll cry: "OKAY BUT. Redeemed AU reconciliation kiss. Caez and Kylo meet, they sort out how they feel a bit, BUT CAEZ INITIATES. It was meant to be a goodbye, but Kylo grips the back of their hair and pulls them back in to deepen the kiss before hushing against their mouth, "... Don't leave me again." "

*Cracks knuckles* Chris, I will not fail you or myself here because I’m great.

(P.S. fuck editing I’m tired.)

By this point, Caez didn’t even ask where they were going when Stix and Geht tried to play it cool and call things ‘family outings’. They knew that they were up to something, but between Stix telling Geht to shut up about it and Geht nearly bouncing out of his seat while somehow not crashing their ship was enough of a hassle to deal with, so Caez wasn’t about to ask any questions as they took their seat in the cockpit and hoped that they weren’t about to spring something terrible on them.

A few hours - and two pitstops because Stix demanded they ask for directions in the middle of dead-fucking-space - and the ship finally landed, Caez jostled slightly by the rough landing and grumbling as they rubbed their neck, sleep collecting in their eyes and making their vision pure shit but them not really caring enough to fix said issue yet as they sat up and glanced out the window, soft snow falling around their ship and blanketing the planet in a brisk tenderness as Caez blinked a few times and took in the scene.

It was sunset by now on whatever planet they had been taken to, and as they got up to take a better look at the landscape, Geht had already stamped back into the ship, his shoulders flecked with the dandruff-like puffs from outside as he beamed proudly and announced, “Well?! Come on! It took us a damned long time to get this surprise ready and even longer for Stix to convince me that this was something you needed! Hurry the fuck up so we can get this show started and can finally leave this ice cube!” He yelled before boisterously turning and sliding back out of the ship, the crunching of snow under the older twin’s boots followed by a solid whump and a long string of curses signalling that he had taken a nosedive in the fresh snowfall like a dumbass. Caez really not wanting to have it any other way as they snorted and rolled their eyes, they laughed before getting up from their seat and pulling their jacket around them a bit tighter as they began to walk outside.

The soft brush of wind greeted the bounty hunter warmly as they took their first steps into the ankle-deep snow, the smell of stoney freshness that only came from being near mountains and freshwater springs telling them that they were somewhere they could feel safe for once, them closing their eyes and savouring the sensation running through their body like a comforting warmth encompassing their soul while the world quieted around them. Or at least, the world was still for a grand total of two minutes before the aggressive shuffling of people treading through the snow carelessly had Caez exhaling dully and going tired again, them opening their eyes slowly and ready to glare at whomever had disrupted their tranquility as a familiar voice hummed from a few feet behind them, “… Caez.”

That voice. A voice that could make the blood in the bounty hunter’s veins go still for a fraction of a moment, the same voice that they grew to love and crave. God, even after three years and their defecting from The Order, that voice still made their chest constrict. It wasn’t anything else but the voice in that moment, and his tone had their hands twitching at their sides, nervous and scared as they heard a barely-present plea in the way he said their name. Not turning around - not even sure if they could turn around - Caez stayed motionless as they inhaled carefully, lungs suddenly aching like they were rubbed raw as they hushed out under their bated breath, “… Kylo.”

They weren’t sure what to do now, the sound of handcuffs being unlocked and the annoyed grunt of the ex-Sith filling the uncomfortable silence as Caez kept their eyes locked firmly onto the mountain range in front of them, every muscle in their body afraid to even twinge in case that snapped them from this dream as the heavy sound of boots got gradually closer to them, Caez still not moving their eyes even as a shadow edged into the corner of their vision, even when the shadow was no longer just a blur in their peripherals, Kylo Ren standing like a dark obelisk in front of the bounty hunter as he paused - taking in Caez, taking in every inch of their face like he wasn’t sure if they were really real or not - then hushed, “… They weren’t lying when they said you hadn’t ch-”

No. They couldn’t do this. They couldn’t-

Turning their head to the side so they didn’t need to look at him as their eyes began to sting, Caez balled their fists against their sides as they gasped out fast, “-No. No no no I don’t need this I don’t need you I never needed you why did they make it you?!” They snapped, voice cracking and breaking fast as their emotions started to spiral out of control, their body feeling numb but at the same time like it was falling to pieces as they brought their hands up, clutching the dead air inches from the sides of their face as they scrambled, “Not you. Not you. I’m not ready for this yet I don’t need you I’m not-”

Until they stopped, their mind going completely silent as Kylo’s hands came up and held theirs firmly, him trying to calm the bounty hunter down as best he could as they went silent again, fearful and confused tears streaming down their face as they took in a shaky breath, everything silent again while he was there - it was always him, wasn’t it, always him who could quiet the voices in their head like no other - as he stooped and took a hand from theirs, bringing it up and cupping their face as his thumb brushed away a streak of tears before habitually trailing along the scars marring their face, his eyes dark but Caez still able to somehow tell that his pupils were blown up large like saucers as he took the bounty hunter in like he was seeing a ghost.

A ghost…

His warm hand still on their face, Caez tried to breathe normally and calm down as they pulled away from his touch, averting their eyes and trying to sound strong - though they were sure their voice was weepy and strained - as they hissed, “… I don’t need you. You aren’t-”

“-You can’t say it, can you.” Kylo interrupted, his voice steady like the swings of a pendulum as he toned, “… You can’t say you don’t love me anymore, because you still do.” He started, the sound of the word love on his lips making Caez’s chest constrict as they remembered every time he said that to them, how the word echoed in their head and how they could never ever say that to him. They never said that to him, never out loud. They didn’t even like thinking of the word because love always seemed so… So temporary. Kylo was temporary. This was all temporary, and this meeting was just gonna make everything spiral all over again. Caez couldn’t live with that. Not again.

Pulled back to the present as the ex-Sith kept talking, Caez didn’t hear a word that he was saying as they turned their tired gaze up to meet his, mind no longer racing as they breathed out slowly, “… I never said that. I never said that I…” They stopped, swallowing for a moment around an invisible clot that had formed in their throat, “I never said that I loved you. Ever. And e-even if I did once, I won’t now. I can’t now. I-”

“-You died. I thought you had died.” Kylo stated, voice soft - almost pained - as he took in a shaky breath, his face an unreadable mask aside from the welling of tears in his eyes that would never be allowed to fall as he turned his gaze to the sky, voice slightly broken as he huffed, “… They said you were dead, I saw your body. I-I held your corpse in my arms, Caez. Caez, you-”

“-I’m alive. I’m free.” They interrupted, the bounty hunter feeling nothing as they cut Kylo off, his pained expression going surprised as they continued, “… And because I’m free forever now, I can’t be with you. I won’t let someone tie me down again, Kylo. I’m. I’m sorry.” They stated, the weight in their chest finally starting to lift as they smile through their stream of tears, hurt running through their body like nails and every voice in their head screaming for them to not walk away from this as they toned cheerfully, “I can’t keep this up, Big Guy.” Before turning and walking away slowly, their hands coming up instinctively to grip their forearms in an attempt to hold themself together as they heard the gentle poff of knees hitting snow behind them.

No, they couldn’t- No. It wasn’t-

They wanted to turn around, Caez wanted so badly to turn around and run back into Kylo’s arms - wether they would sock him in the jaw or kiss him was still up in the air - but they felt like they couldn’t. Not after what happened, not after how they left. Three years was a long time, after all, and Kylo didn’t seem to think Caez had changed. Well, he was wrong. And Caez didn’t want him to feel right about them as they walked back towards the ship, Stix standing in front of the entry hatch and glaring at Caez as he bristled, “… Go the fuck back. I’m not letting you on this fucking ship until you get your stupid Ren shit sorted out.” He commanded, Caez blinking for a moment and opening their mouth to complain as Stix snapped fast, “It took Geht and I three fucking years to track down this mopey dick. I may hate you and hate him, but you two assholes deserve each other. Take that as an insult or a compliment, I don’t care. You aren’t getting on this ship until you deal with Ren.” He stated, crossing his arms and glowering down at the bounty hunter as they let out a deflating breath.

God fuck, and they had just nailed that break-up bit.

Huffing and storming back to the ex-Sith - and not admitting even to themself the elation that they felt with being able to turn around and go back for once - Caez crunched their boots through the snow slowly for a moment before picking up the pace and almost sprinting towards Kylo, the ex-knight lifting his gaze and scowling at Caez before he mouthed out, “Oh shit.” And got the full force of Caez as they cracked hard into his chest, wind smacked from his lungs as they both toppled into the powdery snow.

Sitting up on Kylo’s chest and looking down at him as snowflakes collected in his hair like constellations in the sky, Caez huffed and kept their gaze soft as they back-pedalled on their boldness and laughed out nervously, “Aha, I should- I- Wow, I guess if this is goodbye forever I should give you a goodbye kiss, right? I mean, what kind of cruel asshole doesn’t give you a deep and passionate kiss that makes you want me all the more, right?” They toned, anxious squeak in their voice as they brought their fingers under Kylo’s chin and tipped his face to theirs, their hair acting like a curtain around both of them as the bounty hunter closed their eyes and savoured the feeling of Kylo’s flabbergasted mouth against theirs, a feeling of sparks lighting up in their brain like mad until they finally pulled away, Kylo’s head flopping back into the snowdrift as he gaped slightly.

Sitting up and brushing their unruly hair back from their face, Caez laughed and flushed nervously as they averted their gaze, fingers rubbing their own neck uncomfortably as they toned fast, “Ah, guess that’s it! See-” Only to feel Kylo’s hand come up and grip the back of their head, him sitting up fast and persistently pressing Caez’s mouth back against his as he made the kiss deeper, the ex-Sith’s other hand coming around their waist and pulling them close on his lap before their mouths disconnected again with two breathless gasps, Kylo’s half-lidded eyes desperate and needy as he pleaded against Caez’s soft lips, “… Please… Don’t leave me again.”

This was their moment to push him away, to say no again and leave. To finally be smart and make peace with this. But. Caez couldn’t help but call themself the stupidest person in the entire galaxy as they huffed and brushed their mouth back against Kylo’s gently, them asking jovially, “… I’ll keep seeing you around, then?” As they shot Kylo a crooked smile, him blinking for a moment before nodding slowly, responding quietly.

“… Yeah. I’d like that.”

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