#Online dating can be hard
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Online Dating Can Be Hard 18
Whelp. It's Friday. We made it another week. To start the weekend off on a high note how about a chapter and maybe a joke.
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
When it becomes a parent.
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Maybe a little corny but there you go. Now the chapter I promised!
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Sending Kate that text was probably the hardest thing I have done in my adult life. I texted her in the morning and we agreed to meet at her place around noon. The second hardest thing I have done in my adult life was actually going over to her place.
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My nerves were eating me alive as the clock inched closer and closer to noon. I cleaned my house as best as I could. I took a shower and put on nice fresh clothes. And then proceeded to pace my apartment for what seemed like eons. How was this going to go? Was Cam still mad at me? Will he listen to me? Will he tell me to fuck off and never bother him again? No matter what I knew I had to tell him how I felt. Even if he told me to fuck off… If we are on our way out then I’m at least going to go out with a bang.
As I completed my 349th lap around the house my doorbell rang. I let out a long sigh. Now or never. The 10 steps it took to walk down the hall didn’t seem long enough. I filled my lungs with a deep breath to collect myself before opening the door. Cam stood there in his usual git up except this time he had on a backpack with a daisy peeking out the top. My heart skipped a beat. Did he bring that for me?
I looked at him dumbfound for a second before I shook off my stupor and invited him in. Cam nodded with a sad smile. Fuck… Sad right from the start…
“I ah… brought you this flower as an olive branch.” He said after I closed the door behind him. He pulled it from his pack as he lifted it up to me.
“Thank you.” I said with a warm smile as I plucked it from his tiny hands.
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We were silent as Kate rummaged for something to put the flower in. Cam you are so pathetic for only bringing one flower! Most other human men would have brought a bouquet. But you are too fucking small to bring more than just one… The negative self-talk ran rampant in my mind.
Before I could go any further into self-deprecation Kate rounded the corner. I stood there expecting her to pick me up to go to the couch, but we did no such thing. Instead, Kate laid on the ground about a foot from me. Was she trying to make me feel more comfortable? Kate gave me a soft, warm smile as she rested her chin on her folded arms. Her presence was slightly overwhelming to say the least. I didn’t know what to say. With both the proximity and the curveball of laying down, Kate had me at a loss for words.
“Cam…” She began before she looked away. I could tell she was just as uneasy as I was.
“Kate I’m sorry.” I blurted out without even thinking. My abruptness caused Kate to turn toward me. Confusion plastered all over her face.
“Don’t be Cam.” She said with a sad smile. “It was my fault… I never meant to hurt you…”
I nodded and started to rub the back of my arm for comfort. “I was hurt Kate. I was really hurt. And in all honesty, it was because I really care about you. Like really really care about you… Like… I… Love… You…” The words escaped faster than my brain could stop them. I felt both bile and tears starting to pool. I can’t believe I just confessed.
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Did Cam just say he loved me? I felt weightless as I stared at the little man in shock. Does he really love me?! Has this thing just been a stupid misunderstanding? I couldn’t hold back the laughter that bubbled up from within me. As much as I tried, I couldn’t contain myself. This whole thing just us being two fools.
Cam didn’t take my laughing well. Immediately he started to bristle. Cam set his jaw as he stared at me with daggers before turning on his heel and storming off. I couldn’t let him go. Now that I knew that he loved me I decided to be a little bold. Reaching forward I gently wrap my fingers around his small body. Almost instantly I was met with resistance as Cam kicked and punched at anything he could get in contact with.
Part of me felt bad for holding him against his will. The other part of me knew it was going to be worth it. Slowly I pulled my irate little man back towards me.
“LET ME THE FUCK GO KATE.” Cam roared. He was about to scream more profanity but was cut short when my lips pressed softly into his back. All the fight in him evaporated in seconds. I pulled my lips barely off of him as I whispered. “Cam Chaudhry. I am madly in love with you. That’s why I was stupid jealous of Sara.” My breath tussling both his hair and clothes.
Cam whipped around in my hand with shock and awe on his face. “No… You are lying…” he said in disbelief.
I shook my head. “I swear to God I’m telling the truth. I would never lie to you Cam. I really did bring her over because I thought it would be nice. But low key I wanted to toss her out the window when she started flirting with you. Didn’t you notice me getting really quiet?”
“I thought you were getting quiet because you didn’t want to interrupt her!” Cam exclaimed.
I just laughed. “Nah. I wanted nothing more than to pluck you out of her grasp and hold you close to me. I thought you couldn’t see past me being a human so it pissed me off even more when a parvus was doing everything I wanted to do to you.”
Cam couldn’t hold back his laughing this time. “Well I feel like an absolute dick now…”
I smiled warmly at him as he rubbed his tiny hands down the bridge of my nose that hovered millimeters above him. “Don’t be… we both were just clueless fools I guess.”
“You can say that again…” Cam said before motioning for her to come closer. “Come ‘er big girl. It’s my turn to give you a kiss.” How could I say no to such a man. I leaned forward this time letting my lips engulf basically all of Cam’s face. I hoped he loved the feeling as much as I did..
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The kiss was everything that I had imagined. Her soft lips engulfed all of my senses. The only thing I could hear, smell, see, taste, touch or even think was her. The feeling was pure ecstasy. Kate loved me! I just wanted to scream it at the top of my lungs.
#g/t#duck it#giant/tiny#wholesome giantess#cam and kate#angsty#online dating can be hard#happy ending ish#finally friday#now kiss#starting of a new relationship#cute shit
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if escape rooms as team building exercises became popular im not sure if id be more excited or terrified
#if it isnt already anyway.. i can see it happening as a school frosh thing. idk if it would catch on as a workplace thing#i kind of find the concept of being locked in with strangers and working to find a way out weirdly exhilarating though#at least compared to icebreakers cause i dont have to spend 10 minutes racking my brain for something to blurt out abt myself#as a bonus u could like. put people into groups and give prizes to whoever escapes first second third etc. apparently they also do themed#escape rooms.. maybe let people pick a theme? or voluntary sign up? actually this would be really fun for smth like a blind friend date#although if i found out i was locked in a room with an online friend id be too excited to actually escape LOL#ive never done an escape room before so sadly i cant speak from experience. its like up there on things i want to try next to rug tufting#workshop and visiting new art exhibits or conventions. i seriously need to get out more if it wasnt for the horrors <- school and anxiety#i was planning to invite cass to a drop-in art workshop in town but neither of us could go bc typography is making us go thru hell and back#AND THEY HAD A BUTTON MACHINE TOO#im nostalgic bc i miss working in groups and not being awkward abt it or worrying abt schedule conflicts#i realized that i learn best in groups and its a little corny but i like sharing ideas and talking through a problem#in elementary i could just sit down with friends for review and come out of it energized *and* more familiar with the material#and i could technically still do it now. but as adults we're more picky abt who we work with on top of being way more busy outside school#maybe im lonely. im shy and grew up not talking to ppl unless i absolutely have to so its hard to make friends on my own i guess#only thing getting me thru it is telling myself that humans like helping and that my cringe is overblown in my head. but its hard#hence the escape rooms. i have been able to talk to 2(!!) people though!! mostly abt school stuff but im glad to be on friendly terms#i dont really know how to be happy these days cause im constantly scaring myself abt my portfolio and finding places to work#not being ambitious is part of not wanting to put energy into something that wont work out while also not having the passion to do literall#anything else.. i should probably talk to my counsellor ugh#yapping
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in a hilarious turn of events my flatmate didn't even know I use any pronouns....
#i thought when she was talking abt how her parents thought i was gonna come out as trans and kept checking my name/pronouns-#that the joke was that im ALREADY trans but in ways they dont know abt.... but nope she genuinely didnt know 🤭#to be fair. i dont rly let anyone in on my gender business unless we're close enough to be dating or its an anonymous online space#like im legally cis and thats fine. idc abt ppl using my name + she/her bc thats not my gender identity its just AN identity that i use-#to navigate the world without ppl being fucking nosy bc i pass as + am sociopolitically treated as a woman (if butch lol)#to ppl who are friends ill joke that my gender is dyke (true) and to friends whose gender falls on a similar spectrum-#or who are transmasc ill talk a little more honestly abt it bc theyre usually able to understand better than anyone else#other butch dykes w a weird gender going on are the only motherfuckers who actually Get It but theyre hard to come by tbh#to be frank i dont fucking know whats going on w my gender. and i dont rly care enough to do the introspection to figure it out rn#i have so many other problems in my life and im lucky that most of my beef w gender can be solved by presenting butch + binding#and using any pronouns around other queer ppl. its actually incredibly funny to me when ppl she/her me bc its like tch. this chump hasnt#unlocked my level of gender yet. pronouns and names in general are so far disconnected from the way i exist in the world...#its just smth thats fun for me to play around with + makes me feel weird sometimes but in ways i havent distilled yet yknow#and this has been my approach to gender for like?? 4-5 years now??? and likely will continue to be for a long while..#anyway. its not actually that surprising my flatmate doesnt know bc shes cis so ive never felt compelled to have a deeper conversation#abt gender with her. but also i could sweeaaar its been mentioned bc almost all our other friends are trans lol#and also ive been introducing myself at queer sports socials w any pronouns and i swear i talked abt that w her..... whatever#and my pronouns are on discord and shes def seen my tumblr before but maybe i didnt have them in my bio at the time... i digress#i kind of prefer cis ppl she/hering me tbh. theyre not able to they them or he him or whatever else me in a way that matters.....#altho i do find it fascinating when she or other ppl elect to use neutral or masculine terms for me. raising an eyebrow and taking notes#like when she got a job and joked abt me being her househusband.. pulling up the fem/masc tally chart and chalking a line up#a la nona the ninth.... ive been trying to figure out whos inhabiting this body my entire fucking life with no luck girl#ANYWAY just smth to think abt. im so tired i think my brain is gonna start seeping out my eyeballs#im gonna watch some more pluto and read and then -> 🛌#another 6:30 start tomorrow woohoo#.diaries#zzzzz
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ok here's the cottagecore rant lol
i'm definitely not the first person to complain about cottagecore and like the 'cottagecorification' of lesbians but i've just been thinking about it tonight and i feel like the two main facets of what irritate me about it are like:
the way it mysticizes femininity. like...i am generally skeptical of any form of gender essentialism but especially this whole "divine feminine" sort of rhetoric that i've seen floating around the internet, which essentially acts as though a proper response to the gender roles created by patriarchy is to take the gender role of "woman" and shout really loudly about how good it is, which like...i understand the desire to take historically stigmatized aspects of femininity and reclaim them and push back against stigmatizing narratives, but mysticizing feminity does nothing but take us back to gender essentialism, which will always inevitably take us back to a gender hierarchy, so it's like....idk babe read some audre lorde. master's tools will never dismantle the master's house and all that. like there is no inherent goodness to womanhood and portraying femininity as this dainty pretty thing isn't actually really doing anyone a favor in the long-run. also -- i feel like this ties in to the ways that people will sometimes talk about lesbians and lesbian relationships like "wow women are just so beautiful and magical and amazing and lesbians are just so perfect and lesbian relationships are all just so perfect" where it's like...k. tell me u don't see lesbians as people but make it woke ig.
the way it sanitizes lesbianism. and like again i am not the first person to complain about this but anytime i see lesbianism portrayed as just like "omg uwu cute picnics and matching little fairy outfits and watching the sunset together" i'm just like...i'm not 5 years old??? like it almost feels as if in trying to avoid lesbians being oversexualized we've just decided to turn them into a children's picture book?? and it's like....idk babe u do u but if this is your impression of what being a lesbian is about then....yikes.
and the thing is like this combo of mysticizing femininty and sanitizing lesbianism i think leads to this weird anti-masculinity sentiment within queer and wlw spaces where people will be like "feminine = good and masculine = bad" and then we get all these "jokes" where people just repeat the same rhetoric about masculine lesbians being creepy ugly predators and it's like....i am literally going to rip ur spine out. i am. going to kill you. seriously the fucking "hey mamas" jokes and shit?? ohhhh i could go on and on maybe i just need to make a separate rant for that but yeah. making fun of masculine lesbians is literally only ever punching down and if you don't understand that then u have an incredibly warped understanding of like queer politics and also have probably never studied even a crumb of queer history.
ANYWAY at the end of the day all of this also just goes back to like. turning queerness into an aesthetic for the consumption of a broad audience and this is an issue throughout queer spaces i think because people don't actually want to accept queerness they just want to consume it as a form of entertainment but with lesbians specifically it just sucks that the palatable aesthetic is always going to be some kind of hyperfeminine conventionally pretty little package that is either completely devoid of sexuality or sexualized in a way that is very consumable for nonlesbians. and it sucks when people within the queer community buy so heavily into that aesthetic without seeing the ways that boiling a sexuality down to an aesthetic is harmful. like -- it's okay to enjoy or identify with certain aspects of "cottagecore" like shit man i like picnics too and if ur into cute dresses and shit u do u but if your queer identity revolves around aesthetics then there is very little that is actually queer about it and you will likely struggle to actually be in community with those who don't fit into your sanitized and palatable narratives of what it means to be queer. so. work on conceptualizing queerness beyond aesthetics maybe!
#i feel like there are still thoughts buzzing around in my brain#but whatever this helped me organize them at least a little bit#there's just. so much to say about queerness and the way it's increasingly#boiled down to aesthetics in online spaces#like if your queernness begins and ends with a pinterest board u simply aren't as queer as you think u are i'm sorry#and it's like i know a lot of these people are probably young queers figuring things out#and it's understandable that the first representations of queerness ur encountering in online spaces are all like#boiled down aesthetics#but please please try to think beyond that too#queerness is about so much more than the way u fucking dress#or filming a cute date you went on with your gf to get likes on the internet#queerness is a fundamentally abrasive thing!!! it's not cute and fun a lot of the time!! it can be hard and gross and scary!!#anyway i need to stop talking these tags are just becoming a whole other essay my b#txt#ranting and raving
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I think its funny that I'm a "swifitie" for over a decade (I was already a fan before og speak now). But it took me less than a year into what I call "online swifitie", to me "convert" to gaylorism.
And even less time for me to realize that the ones making shit up left and right (something I always saw attributed to gaylors) are them the hetlor (I really dont like that term feels weird)
#the amount of bulshit ive seen in 48h is absurd#im almost sorry for Joe#i have no clue why they brooke#I'm not going to pretend to understand based on the lyrics#but that poor guy is being dragged to the mud#also they claim to have information that are simply impossible to have#the day they started to date (is that public info?) the exactly day they broke up (again not really public info)#people saying that she definitely had a miscarriage or an abortion#they fucking “weeding dress in IBYTAB was her wedding dress”#how can ingo back to just enjoying her music?#sorry for my rant(s) recently#this is my second released as a “online swifitie” and this is annoying me extra hard
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"hey Hannah may we interest you in a belated selection of Tortured Vampire High Elf Bois From 2020 Installments of Long-Running High Fantasy RPGs Voiced By Favorites of Your Friend @miss-slothrop this fine season"
Me: "That seems...oddly specific, what are-"
"would you like Sweet"
"or Spicy?"
Me: *nervous early-simp sweating*
#*doofenschmirtz meme* I'd have two nickels...which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice#elder scrolls online I did actually cave and buy about a month ago but I haven't played it yet#partly because Busy and partly because Need Bigger Hard Drive#also I understand there's an intro mission for greymoor where you get to do the prison cart 'hey you you're finally awake' with fenn#but it's apparently only accessible to new players and I'd like to use that if I can#baldur's gate 3 I just straight-up can't play (at least not yet) because my mac is a year or so out of date to run it at minimal settings#(also I think I'd prefer to wait for the full release and not play on early access)#anyway...your honor I like they#elder scrolls online#fennorian#baldur's gate 3#astarion#oh my god it's moving
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.
#had one of those days that was just fawking awful for no reason like just felt like garbage the entire day#looked at the syllabus and workload for the online class i start tuesday and#it is soooososososo much work. and i'm already kinda behind on work at my FULL TIME JOB so i'm like. there's no way in hell#i can get a decent grade in this class and keep my job at the same time while not wanting to die#it's an eight week class so there are like six assignments due per week and the due dates are on weekdays so it'll be so hard#to use my usual 'finish the assignment the day before it's due' strat#so i just told my parents i was like idk if i can do this y'all. and they were both okay w me potentially dropping it#so long as i take 16 week classes from here on out#so it's going to take me two extra years to graduate after it's already taken me four for a TWO YEARS ASSOCIATES DEGREE#that's on the physical and mental health issues.#but the good news is. if i do drop this class and have a break this semester then aslkfdlskdg#hyunjin birthday countdown: back on! winnable!#i'm working on the most complicated set of the countdown now hoping it doesn't make me too exhausted for the others asjflasjldg#still a bit less than halfway done#anyways. time to go to bed so i can wake up and try to function at work tomorrow#carly.txt
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Online Dating Can Be Hard 17
Yo. Life and stuff like that. But duck it, here is another chapter! The other is in the oven so hopefully that will be out real quick! I hope you guys enjoy!
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It was impossible to ignore my doorbell that had been constantly going off for the past minute. A deep groan escaped my lips as I walked to the door. I knew exactly who was outside. Low and behold, as the door opened up, there stood Sal in all his charming glory.
“I thought you were going to leave me out there all day!” He exclaimed.
I rolled my eyes hard. “So dramatic. Would you like an Oscar for your performance…”
“Finally, someone has recognized me for my talents.” Sal proclaimed.
I just shook my head and asked, “Why are you here Sal.”
Sal clicked his tongue. “Bitch you know why I am here. You don’t write. You don’t call. We assumed your ass was dead.” He said as he sauntered in before waiting expectantly for me to give him a lift up to the counter.
“I’ve been busy…” I said setting him gently on the counter.
“Oh no. No you did not just lie to me. I may have been born in the morning but I wasn’t born this morning Katy Kate. Now spill. You look like shit and haven’t talked to anyone in days. What happened with you and Cam.” Sal said while driving daggers into me with his eyes.
I let out a big sigh. It was useless as always to lie to Sal. “Cam thinks that I was trying to hook him up with Sara and now he no longer wants to talk with me.”
“Great spark notes version but I am here for the whole book Kate.” Sal said bluntly.
I groaned, “Ugh… Sal you were there. I invited Sara over because I thought it would be nice. She ended up being crazy for Cam and basically spent the whole night trying to get him to sleep with her. What’s funny is that I was stupid jealous of her and was doing my best to try to keep it together all night. Cam, though, mistook my silence as support for him and Sara. So now Cam is pissed because he thinks I pushed her on him and basically wanted the two of them to get together. Wild because that is the furthest thing from the truth and that I actually hate the idea of them together. To be honest I feel horrible about the whole thing because I basically ruined things with Cam and its all just a tragic joke. Satisfied?”
Sal started bursting out laughing. I narrowed my eyes at him and asked, “What is so funny. Do you just enjoy my pain?”
Sal wiped the tears from his eyes as he tried to settle himself. “Kate, you were horrible at hiding your jealously. She would lace her arm in Cam’s or lean against him and you were basically staring daggers into her.”
I looked at Sal appalled. “No I was not. I thought I kept my cool quite well actually.”
Sal just shook his head. “Yeah, if wearing a stare void of all emotion and having a resemblance of a serial killer was keeping your cool then you did a great job.”
My face scrunched up in confusion. I thought for sure I hid my emotions well. Then again this was Sal we were talking about. The man could read anyone with ease. I slumped in my chair in defeat. “Well, it doesn’t matter anymore. Cam doesn’t want to even see me so oh well I guess...”
Closing the distance between us, Sal laid his tiny hand upon mine. “Oh Kate… He will come around. He always does. He was just hurt is all.”
Tears started to cascade down my face. For someone who didn’t cry much it seemed to be a reoccurring thing. “I don’t know Sal. I think I really screwed things up this time. Last time we talked I know he felt trapped in my presence. That’s the last thing I wanted to do was make him feel trapped…”
“You love him don’t you… That’s why you are really struggling with this isn’t it…” Sal’s words may have been just a whisper, but they hit like a truck. I could only reply with a nod. Sal nodded back before giving my hand another pat. “It will be ok Kate. I know it doesn’t feel like that right now though. You know I am always here for you and I will be bugging you everyday.” I nodded again in reply. “Well good.” Sal said, motioning for me to bring him to the door. “Now if you excuse me I have another matter to attend to.”
I brought Sal to the door and set him down almost exactly where I picked him up. “Thanks Sal… You always know when to come over.”
Sal just bowed and said, “As any good gentleman does when he knows his friend is in need. Now don’t be a stranger. Hang out with us this week or at least text me you are alive, ok?”
“Ok.” I said with a sad smile before waving goodbye to my friend.
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Maybe if I ignore them, whoever is at the door will go away… I thought to myself as I hid in my dark apartment.
“Open the door Cam! I know you are in there. I saw you in the window on my way in.” Sal practically yelled through the door.
Ugh... Fuck… I guess the gigs up… I sighed as I open the door to none other than Mr. Charm himself. “Hi Sal… What’s up? Did Kate send you?” I said flatly.
Sal rolled his eyes. “You act as though I am just her dog doing her dirty work. No Kate did not send me. I am an independent man who wanted to check up on his friend he hasn’t heard from all week.”
I let out another sigh and nodded. “Ok. Come in. Do you want some water or anything?”
“Nah but thank you.” Sal said as he gave my wreak of an apartment a once over. “Looks like you are doing good.”
“Har har har…” I said lackluster.
Sal came and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. “Tell me what’s going on.”
I pushed Sal off me and then grabbed the back of my arm before saying, “I know you talked to Kate. You already know what’s going on.” I snapped at him.
Sal raised his arms in defense. “Hey man. Didn’t mean to piss you off. I just want to hear your side of the story… I feel like as a friend you deserve that from me.” His voice was genuine.
I looked away still rubbing the back of my arm. “I don’t know what she told you… But basically she has been toying with me this whole time… She probably caught wind that I had feelings for her beyond just friends and that’s why she tried to set me up.” I pause as I turned my back to Sal to gaze toward my balcony. Memories of Kate’s smiling face waiting for me outside filled my mind. Tears started to tumble down my cheeks as I said, “I should have known she could never love a parvus. How can you love someone so far below you…”
We stood there in silence for a while. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling and frankly I didn’t care anymore. Sal came over and put a knowing hand on my shoulder. “Cam I know you are not going to want to hear this but I think you should get together with Kate and talk this out. It’s not my place to say anything so all I will say is that I think you both are missing something in your story.” He said warmly.
I wanted to get angry. I could feel the hate bubble up from within, but I just didn’t have the heart to let it build. Sal continued, “Look. I know you really care about Kate. I also know that this has really hurt you. It’s hurt Kate as well. Hear her out. You love her. I know that. So give her a chance.”
Maybe Sal was right. Maybe I should give her one last chance. My heart was torn between wanting to build walls to try to protect itself or allow myself to be vulnerable one last time with the woman I loved. Flashbacks of Kate flooded my mind. The way her blue eyes shown in the sun. How she never let her lack of singing skills stand in her way of Karaoke. Her gentle hands as they held me. How she knew what I was feeling without having to say a word. Dozens of memories filtered through my mind. I couldn’t give up on what we had. Not that easily.
“I’ll text her tomorrow.” I said knowing exactly what I was going to do.
Sal patted me on the back. “Good. Now if you will excuse me, I have a hot date with a bank teller.” Sal gave me a wink as he headed toward the door. “Oh and Cam.” He said standing in the threshold. “You got this.”
I nodded in reply. My sad heart hoped this was the right decision.
#g/t#duck it#giant/tiny#wholesome giantess#cam and kate#angsty#online dating can be hard#talk it out with friends#happy days coming soon maybe
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i hope all my friends who i don't talk to as much as i wish i did know they're constantly in my thoughts
#personal#i am in a constant state of agony because of how much i struggle to carry casual convos ):#bc i want to be closer to so many ppl#and i also stink at convos that aren't about specific things#and it makes it really hard to make friends bc the time it takes me to feel comfortable talking regularly is like...... long#and then i don't bother bc i feel like an ass#my heart hurts a little and I'm gonna cry from this insecurity today i can just feel it#esp cause today is the first time my best friend and i are gonna hang on vc even though we've been friends for like 7 years#and ik they don't mind bc they have similar hang ups and they love me and they're really patient with me and such#but also i feel so pathetic that i cant even regularly just call ppl to hang out#i feel like I'm a terrible person and the shittiest friend for having so many limits and boundaries and moving so slow#and the thing is i used to know how to go faster in friendships but between abuse and skill regression I'm...... terrible now#stupid asshole ex#the more i think of my struggles with interpersonal things the more i realize how much he impacted it#like i already stunk at making friends IRL by the time i met him like that's always been a thing#but i used to be so good at making friends online!!#and then he came into my life (as a friend first) and slowly isolated me from everyone for a few years before declaring that we had been-#-dating for a year (we had never officially started a relationship)#and then isolated me more and more until i literally only had him#4 years total with him in my life.#4 years that were crucial to my personhood (17-21)#4 years that by the time i finally managed to get him out of my life i had severely blunted social skills & more trauma than I already had#and now that I'm almost 4 years out from him being in my life (next spring) im realizing just how much he fucked me up#and took advantage of me and exacerbated issues he knew i had (bc i confided in him- he was my friend at first after all)#and even with a lot of work i still have the social skills of a severely abused reactive dog in a shelter#i should talk with my therapist more about this#i still haven't even fully shared my story with her about how he treated me bc every time i start i get so scared and upset i just sob#ugh):
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back with another opinion that I guarantee has been said before but I think autistic people who don't have an intellectual disability really need to speak to people who do
#I do not have an intellectual disability but my brother does#and I have dated and been friends with lots of people who do#at varying degrees of presentation#and I am autistic and I am pretty much what my psychologist just calls level 1.5#and the lines between IDs and ASD get blurred a lot#and I think bc of that a lot of autistic ppl overstep their boundaries#idk like its very hard for me to put into words but the experiences can be very different#mainly here talking about if youre closer to level 1#but i feel some ppl sort of just claim things that arent theirs/ours if that makes any sense#like yes asd is a spectrum but not everything relates and is the same and is about everyone equally#i also just very much think they need to be listened to more and have their voices boosted#let them be a bigger and more represented part of the autistic community and general neurodivergent community#and i also think people need to be more understanding and patient towards them#bc some people come at them hitting them with the same standards they do with everyone else when thats not how that works#idk idk if this makes sense or came across the way i mean#but i just notice a lot how like the ppl in my life are treated vs how i am treated like in real life#and how online that's like not talked about at all a single bit and their existence is ignored#it just saddens me to see#idk rant over#autistic#actually autistic#intellectual disability#learning disability#cognitive disability#neurodivergent#asd#autism#z
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I was planning on letting things die down with this guy but he sends me one spicy message and now I’m reconsidering 🫠 somebody take my phone away
#dating is hard#online dating#boy troubles#honestly I love how empty tumble is bc I can vent this to my hundreds of not followers
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incorrect quotes part 5: double gay
yeah it's my lisanne agenda
Lisa: name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. i'll wait.
Anne: you and me!
Lisa: *tearing up* okay.
~
Anne: i am 39 cheetos tall.
Lisa: why... are you measuring your height in cheetos?
Anne: because we're out of doritos.
~
Anne: i'm sorry. please talk to me.
Lisa:
Anne: hello? world's most amazing person ?? sweet pea? precious cinnamon roll that's too good for this world, too pure?
Lisa: 'sorry' doesn't bring back my fucking M&Ms.
~
Lisa: i made this friendship bracelet for you.
Anne: you know, i'm not really a jewellery person.
Lisa: oh okay i'll just take it back then-
Anne: no, i'm gonna wear it forever. back off.
~
Lisa: Anne... you've been cuddling with me for over an hour now.
Anne: *muffled* mm hmm :)
Lisa: fuck. i should be annoyed but you're adorable.
~
Anne: i hate you.
Lisa: well, according to this picture i drew of us holding hands, that is untrue.
~
Anne: *shatters a window and climbs through it*
Anne: *turns around and helps Lisa through it* breaking and entering is wrong Lisa.
Lisa: okay.
~
Lisa: that sounds super! doesn't that sound super, Anne?
Anne: no.
Lisa: i think i speak for Anne when i say it sounds really super.
~
Lisa: let's watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl.
Anne: okay.
Lisa: and make out during the scary parts.
Anne: th-
Anne: the scary parts.
Anne: of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.
~
Lisa: how do tall people sleep at night when the blanket can't possibly cover you?
Anne: Lisa, it's four o' clock in the morning.
Lisa: so, you can't sleep, huh? is it because of the blanket?
#the thing is lisa is right. as a tall person i can confirm that in a single-sized blanket it's hard to fit#what i love most about the sharkboy and lavagirl quote is that the characters might not even be dating but b is so caught up on the scary#parts bit they gloss over a asking to make out with them#ssoblr#star stable#star stable online#sso#lisa peterson#anne von blyssen#lisa peterson x anne von blyssen#lisa x anne#lisanne#sso lisanne#soul riders#sso incorrect quotes
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do u ever try so hard to actually be productive but u keep running into roadblock after roadblock 🧎♀️
#bella.txt#i am trying so hard to schedule a placement test so i can get some courses out of the way at the local community college#and my god 😭#first it tells me my payment is ready to be made online and then there's nothing there#and then they dont answer my calls#and then it DOES work#and now i'm trying to schedule my test date but i've checked every date from now thru january 2026 and it says theres no availability#so there's some kind of error but i'm like#PLEEEEASE CMON I'M ACTUALLY TRYING FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE... CANT U MAKE IT EASIER.... </3
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When i meet new people its really like
Me: okay. This is going splendid. This is going amazing. I like you, you are very nice, you are very wonderful, you are friend-shaped and you are great! This is going really well so don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it-
Them: "...my ex/current partner..."
Me: FUCK, ANOTHER ONE???? So it really is just me around here that's never had any kind of relationship or interaction with someone who loves me like that?????? Wtf!??!?!
#It's so weird it's like everybody got this Handbook where they were able to have their first kiss or their first relationship as a child#And it's so easy for these people who are my age and have had multiple axes or are currently in a healthy relationship with someone#But for some reason I just can't seem to find somebody#And as much as I would love to go out and look or have some online dating site due to my current situation I just can't#And I've just sort of had enough of people saying that it happens at some point and they would prefer if they had never had a relationship#But that's a bit of a pisstake considering they don't really understand what it's like to have all of your peers understand what it's like#to be in relationships and have people flirt with them or hold their hands or kiss them or want to be with thsm#or do general couply things with them#And you just feel like some kind of stupid outlier who will never understand because no one seems to want you that way#its just fucking annoying every single time i meet someone i always think it might finally be a shared experience but no#everyone has it figured out#except me i gues#s#and i cant stand people saying theyd just fuck off no you wouldnt#its lonely it feels like shit you feel irrelevant you feel stupid and unloveable because for some reason youre the only one and it feels#like its never gonna change so no no you do not wish you were liks that again because it feels like absolute shit and i hate it#i just know itll reach a point where i get too old to be a newbie to this kind of stuff and im worried thats gonna affect my chances of#having a partner at that point. meeting peoples really hard and connecting with thems way harder but everyone else seems to just have this#ability that i dont. everybody can pull somebody#and i just dont have that and it makes me so upset#sorry#I really went on a vent style tangent there and I didn't mean to#ill tag it as one now#vent#tw vent
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wanna be the breadwinner for my beautiful future wife so bad (this post was written by a yearning sapphic)
#i am still a princess but let me be the princess who works hard so my beautiful wife can relax sometimes if she wants. do u get it.#so tempted to download a lesbian dating app even though online dating sounds absolutely horrid. i must hold back....!!#nina.rambles
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.
#tag talk#because of all the artists I follow and the art I see I'm able to muster up some art when the muse sings.#so thanks I was able to sketch something for the guy I'm getting to know and maybe will be dating at some point#was thinking about whether to call him cute or not and I think yeah I do think he's cute.#I've been using all my brain power to min-max the interactions we've had without jumping too quickly into the deep end#which is why I don't call him my boyfriend because we've only met irl twice but I think there's no reason why we won't escalate to dating#provided I can not fuck things up#prolly not healthy to have the mindset that I'm responsible for whether things go well or not#not healthy to have the mindset that I'm a stick of dynamite and if I screw things up it'll all blow to shit.#idk. I still feel that way.#we'll see.#either way he's my in to a whole other friend group of coworkers and their friends since we got matched by a coworker/friend#my coworker his friend so I have higher hopes since it's not an online match.#he seems pretty cool and I'm doing my best to spread out the interaction and not get too caught up in his dms#and I was the one to be like “yeah this hangout has gone pretty long” because I know I tend to drag things out longer than they should go.#even if the other person is engaged it's functionally great to make a lunch date last the whole afternoon into the evening.#we both have things to do so as fun as it is to hang out for five hours I'm trying to keep emotionally healthy.#enough distance to keep perspective on things.#my last relationship the other person pushed for more and more hangout time and more and more closeness and I think that's what fucked it#I need to keep my distance to stay emotionally healthy#and honestly? I'm proud of myself for learning that and keeping it in mind.#I've had some hard experiences to learn that lesson but now I'm going to put it to good use and maybe get some dick again.#it's deadass been since October. deadass halfa year since I got dick.#I fucked someone more recently than that but fucking and getting dick are not the same thing.#anyway. new relationship. wish me luck.
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