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chronicallyuniconic · 10 months

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No purpose, just pain.

Do you remember your first obsession? Your first love? The first event that filled you with so much excitement? Your first holiday? That time your favourite game you've been waiting years for, is here next week? The hobby you took on like it was your purpose in life? maybe you got married?

That 'thing' where it was alllllll you could think about. You'd spend hours trawling the Internet or even books for anything to do with your new 'thing.'

Your stomach would flutter with excitement, your heart would race with anticipation. The closer you got, the bubbling anxiety would build to the back of your throat & you pace around your home opening and closing the fridge until the day arrives.

*throws 🔧🔧🔧*

My "first thing" is my illnesses & their many many varying symptoms. All I can think about is how awful I feel, every minute of every day and somehow I'm not(?) dying. [How/Why?]

It occupies my every thought. I spend and have spent countless hours scouring the Internet, medical journals, buying books written by doctors, finding actual doctors, to find answers, help, guidance, a drug maybe.

I've found an online community that has helped me feel less alone but none of us have rarely found answers. When we are given answers we are told to just deal with it, usually with OTC meds because there is no help for what we have, apparently.

We are a community on the slowest moving boat you've ever seen, rocked by our pain, our cries, our wait, our hope, that one day we are seen and our illnesses are given the recognition, research and funding they desperately need.

My stomach does not flutter with excitement anymore, it's a string of stomach and bladder problems that are ignored*. I'm not dancing with excitement, I'm jolting with nerve pain that is ignored*. I'm not searching up anything anymore because the 10kg weights on my eyelids & the sedative that seems-to-occupy-my-blood, send me to sleep.

*{When symptoms are ignored that means they are never addressed, studied, tested, looked at, are put under an umbrella term for your chronic illness and that is where you will remain}*

I can't "pace" my way through the pain-filled days because I am too weak & exhausted, filled with heavy lead bones & lead blood. When I try to go back to my 'thing' I am distracted by the pains & fatigue & the fact that no help is coming, even from myself.

"How can I paint a flower when I'm being struck by lightening with every breath & stroke of the brush?"

I've put my all into finding ways to make the best of my symptoms, to manage them, understand them, come to terms with them, accept my new body and what it wants or needs. Yet I've failed to nail any real reason, finding, bodily requirement or pattern that makes it manageable or predictable.

Pain diaries, food diaries, bathroom diaries, sleep diaries, how many diaries over these years will/does it take for a result? A conclusion? Blood tests, urine tests, tests tests tests that provide the same information but no further action. How many needles does it take for further assistance?

All of this & I'm told to be happy, be grateful. I'm told to just take each day at a time when each day is the same, breathing, pain filled void, achieving nothing, trapped behind 4 walls. I'm told I'm not trying hard enough or that I can't give up.*

[apparently being sad about your symptoms means you have given up]*

How does one go on when they have nothing left of energy, no path to turn, no doctor to just "get it," when there is no way out of this trap.

How does one carry on with no purpose but pain?

If you got this far, thank you. This has taken me some days to write up💜✨

#chronic life #chronic pain #chronically ill #chronic illness #chronic fatigue #fibromyalgia #myalgic encephalomyelitis #spoonie problems #sorry for being depressing #i'm not okay #spoonie life #tired af #reality #i'm just so tired #pain relief what a liar #spoonie #pain just pain #How many #no purpose

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esterzach · 9 months

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This will contain spoilers.

I was going to say if you haven't seen The Good Wife, it's great and it's worth it, but does that work on people? Because based on my experience, it means next to nothing to me when it comes to movies and TV shows(or books). Investing many hours in something just because someone likes it might not be an ideal way to promote a story.

Or maybe I just constantly sabotage myself by instinctively doing the opposite of what people tell me...

So I would just say that this show in my opinion has the writing any respectable TV product should aim for, the cast is almost flawless, with some of the most interesting characters, but it's not for everybody. I feel like many people won't be able to understand or will hate certain aspects of it.

The last call. My comfort episode. I have no idea why I am coming back to this over and over again. It's like torture. But time and time again, I am looking for it and I am more than willing to go to that place... I don't even know.

A reminder maybe.

Years ago when I watched it for the first time I was sad because of the story... and Alicia, I guess. Now... I'm stunned. I don't really remember any particular moments or episodes from another show that depict grief over a character. Aside from The X-files probably. But this one hits hard. This and the next one. Whoever wrote this... at least to me it hits home. To me this is brilliant.

Some time ago I started to watch The Good Wife again. Thank god for the television from about 10-20 years ago, because of what they produce now ... well, anyway. But it is stunning.

Now I love Julianna Margulies, and I am biased (which might be an understatement in this case), but the woman has probably around several kg of awards of all types, including Golden Globes and Emmys from the time before half of the kids around here were even born, so I might be onto something. She is scarily good.

The depiction of grief though. Every bit is on point.

The shock and the quiet confusion. The mundane scenes around you suddenly seem to make you burst out in tears. The empty feeling of everything. The anger to everybody and nobody in particular. Toward the whole world.

I love how there is not a moment of surprise. Everything is predictable. Almost like human behavior in a time that has happened millions of times throughout human history. Something we have all experienced in one or another way. They just had to write it down.

It’s not a surprise that Alicia is able to talk to strangers about what happened, and not to the closest people in her life. It’s not appropriate, they never understood, and they are not supposed to know what it meant.

Diane's reaction toward the crying girl was so real. This, this is what it feels like! Who are you, to even dare to grieve for someone you barely knew! How dare you, the stranger, even pretend that you care? You have no right to hurt, because you can’t even come close to knowing who this person was, how amazing he was, how important to me! The cold, brutal reaction and the immediate shift when she sees Alicia. In a second from intimidating angry matrona, she turns into a gentle protective heartbroken friend, who offers a hug. Almost motherly. Diane, who never had children, offers her comfort like a mother would do for a child.

And this is the only comfort and hug Alicia receives and accepts the whole episode. Later on, her husband tries awkwardly to comfort her. This goes as well as we probably expect.

All arguments and quarrels forgotten, Diane knows. Alicia's expression says enough. Her confidence and strength are gone, this is not the calm dangerously intelligent lawyer we are used to seeing. Alicia is devastated and Diane doesn't hesitate to offer help. Her voice on the phone in the voicemail to Alicia is soft and careful. She is not turning to a colleague there. It's almost as if she is about to break the devastating news to a wife about her husband.

But Will is not a husband, and Alicia is not allowed to think that way. The thing is… when you have suppressed yourself for a long time, it comes a moment when it doesn’t matter anymore. And you can’t just go on pretending anymore, because it took strength and now that strength is gone.

Even so, David Lee offers her condolences! David Lee says “I'm sorry” to her. The cynical, vicious divorce lawyer, whose views of romantic relationships are among the worst in the whole movie somehow understands that THIS is who he has to console. This little detail!

I hate how they handled Kalinda's reaction in this episode and the next ones. It’s logical for her to be angry and lash out. But she never attempted to look for Alicia, and she was the one who knew about her and Will. I know they don’t have common scenes after some point, and it was a nice touch that Kalinda was the one who delivered the news to Alica. I love that Alica called her and attempted to talk to her. That was the second person she reached out to, but the first one she was honest with, the first and the only one she shared how she feels like, that she actually talked to. “I don’t know what to do, Kalinda!”

I loved Eli’s reaction when he heard the news. Yes, this is shocking, the death of a person is sad and all. But it’s not that. Suddenly he is scared. Because he knows. He might never actually be told, and he might never see it directly, but he has seen her reactions every time the subject appears, he had observed how this polite quiet woman, who rarely shows emotion, is in the moments when Will is only mentioned. He had been observing her and in a way he admired her, he knew how composed she could be in times of crisis. And he was terrified. The way she flinches when he tries to touch her shoulder - the beginning of her detachment from the world.

I like the scene with Grace, even though it’s a hell of a frustrating thing to observe and listen to that conversation. The infuriatingly naive stance of her daughter and her attempt to comfort her mother is almost laughable. It made me remember every time Alicia has suppressed her own anger, fears, and hurt to protect the feelings of her children. At some point, Grece even tells her “Mom, you have to protect us better”, when Alicia has no control of her husband's actions and of the actions of the rest of the world. I know she is just a kid, and has a lot to learn, but at the same time, it makes me wonder if it’s Alicia’s own fault in a way. Grace’s naivety is a repetitive theme throughout the series, and sometimes it comes off as a stupidity. She laughs at the animation of her father being with prostitutes or is relieved when she thinks her father has nothing to do with the dirty attempts to smear his opponent in the election. That wishful thinking resurfaces here again, but this time Alicia is in no mood for her nonsense. And tells her that. It felt like she was tired of constantly shielding her daughter who is big enough to understand some things. And Grace knows it’s not a just colleague her mother grieves over.

I love the little detail with Peter realizing she would not respond to his calls so he takes Eli’s phone and both men understand then and there what it means when she picks it up. I love how Peter is attempting to be polite and comforting, almost as if trying to fool himself that he is the one who has the right and it’s his job to do it because he is the husband, and the blatant lie when she said her phone was off. They both know she is lying, but they both ignore it.

The end… Probably one of my favourite scenes in the show. While returning to her apartment, tired, Alicia looks surprised to find her husband there. He offers his condolences, and she just responds with “I know”. He hugs her and then and there is I think the moment when she realizes it’s over for her and her husband. It probably was over a long time ago. But this is the moment she comes to terms with it and finally doesn’t care anymore. I think Will’s death brought the clarity she needed to understand and accept her own feelings. No more pretense for the sake of something else or someone else. No more excuses. No more nice and polite. No more “the good wife”. She doesn’t respond to the hug and her just standing there showing no emotion is a stronger statement than anything else. The man who is hugging her could easily be a stranger. And it’s in a way his doing. Humiliation after humiliation, hurt, loneliness, abandonment… I feel like after everything, she is too tired to care and carry the marriage on her shoulders.

And the sweetest part - Peter sees it. He notices that she doesn’t react. Being unable to get to her in the moment when she is the most vulnerable must be a huge hit to his ego. The ultimate offense. He had known her for 20 years more or less, and he had probably seen everything from her. What's worse - at some point before that he admits he has fallen in love with her all over again. Good luck with that, pal.

And to solidify her resolve, the show offers a glimpse directly into her mind. They have done it here and there - with the daydreaming and dreams. This time is conscious. These are not flashes of imaginary scenes of romance, bits of her hidden desires, slipped accidentally into her mind. Throughout the whole episode she tries to figure out what Will thinks of their relationship, what were his last thoughts about them, and finally decides to believe that he too was in love and wanted to have it all with her. As sad and devastating as this idea is in this particular situation, there is a certain level of comfort there. And finality. This is where her mind settles. This is who she will love, and no one can have access to that. A solid wall is put between this part of her heart and the rest of the world, including the father of her children. One last call, that never happened, professing his love for her, will be the last memory she has of him. Forever.

#the good wife #julianna margulies #christine baranski #rant #no purpose #alicia florrick #diane lockhart #will gardner #tv #esterzach's lack of better judgement #esterzach's writings #The Last Call #S05E16

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