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honeypiehotchner · 4 years

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illicit affairs (Spencer Reid one-shot)

This is wayyy overdue! It’s just been sitting in my drafts, waiting for me to edit her, but she’s finally here. This is very loosely based on Taylor Swift’s song of the same title. And it’s 100% me writing out some feelings through fanfiction, so it’s also loosely based on true events. Enjoy!

Summary: You and Spencer have been “dating” without a label for a few months now, until you witness something that has you wondering if it was too good to be true (as always).

Warnings: it’s so dramatic. Angst with a happy ending!

Spencer has no fucking clue what he did.

Well, to be more accurate, Spencer has no idea if he even did anything at all.

One second the two of you were acting as normal as ever, attached at the hip and nothing less, and the next you’re barely able to look at him. You won’t speak to him, you insist you’re fine, and you ask him to leave you alone -- please.

A new case comes and he thinks things will fall back into their rightful place. He expects you to sit with him on the plane, but you choose the farthest seat away from him. He expects you’ll be paired with him when he says he’ll go to the local station to work on victimology, but instead you agree to Morgan’s offer to look at the crime scene.

He’s desperate. He’s a so-called genius, and he’s losing his mind.

“Morgan, help me out here, man,” Spencer pleads, cornering Morgan when he’s getting a coffee. He’s just returned from the crime scene with you, but of course, you’ve ducked away from Spencer.

Derek’s eyebrows raise. Slowly, he turns around, eyeing the desperate genius. “You’re asking for my advice?”

“She won’t talk to me,” Spencer whispers, eyes cutting to you, but only for a second. He doesn’t want you to think he’s creepily staring at you all the time. So far, you haven’t caught him (that he knows of).

“Well, what did you do?” Morgan asks like the answer should be blatantly obvious.

“I don’t know!”

“Alright, let me rephrase that for you,” Morgan’s tone is bordering on teasing, but he can’t help it. The resident genius of the BAU is having trouble talking to a woman. Who knew? “Have you done anything that would lead her to believe you’re not interested in her anymore?”

“What? No!”

“Think, Reid,” Morgan replies, tipping his cup of coffee in the air. “And when you figure it out, apologize.”

He leaves without another word. Morgan joins you and Emily back in the room where the team has set up base. You share a particularly heated look with Morgan, but he shakes his head, letting you know he didn’t betray your confidence. You relax.

Spencer doesn’t know this, but earlier when you were riding with Morgan to the crime scene, you confided in him.

It had been completely accidental. Something about car rides brings out the need to ask for advice. Maybe it’s the fact that there’s the road to focus on, or the case to segway into, you don’t know. But what you do know, is that when you confided in Morgan, he shook his head, and called Spencer a dumbass.

“Hypothetically,” you had begun, and Morgan remembers wondering if you were going to talk about the case, but you didn’t. “If you’ve been talking-- flirting with a guy and going on a few dates over the past few months -- but there’s no label -- but so if you’ve been doing all this and then you suddenly see him outside his apartment hugging another woman -- like arms around her waist kind of deal, face in her neck...what does that mean?”

Morgan had nearly slammed on the brakes. Reid? A two-timer? He never would’ve guessed. The kid could barely get his words out when he first met you, and now he’s playing you?

“Well, hypothetically,” Morgan played into your game. “I’d be suspicious. Personally, I don’t just hug any woman like that if I don’t have other intentions,” he shook his head. What you’re describing is intimate, especially for Reid. “You’re right to think something else is going on.”

“Who said it was about me?”

Morgan looked at you with his usual knowing stare. Sometimes you forget you’re all profilers. You’ve made deals not to profile one another, but you’re sure it still happens. You all have another silence agreement to never voice it aloud, unless needed.

“Fine,” you caved, crossing your arms over your chest. “I don’t know, I just-- I was going to drop off his stupid jacket that he left in my car the night before, and I saw him hugging her right on his doorstep and she kissed his cheek and I just-- I bolted. I don’t know.” You had let out a frustrated sigh. “I thought he was different.”

“If it helps,” Morgan shrugged, “I’ll kick his ass.” He might protect Reid like a mother hen, but he’s not afraid to give him a hard time, either.

“No, no, don’t,” you groaned. “I’m just gonna keep my distance. No sense in putting effort into something that clearly is never going to happen.”

“Oh, come on, don’t talk like that,” Morgan said. You used to talk that way all the time when you first started at the BAU, but it slowly died out the more you hung out with Spencer. Morgan connected the dots, but never told you.

“You know I’ve never been in a relationship?”

This time, Morgan did slam on the brakes.

“What?”

“Never,” you shook your head, motioning for him to keep driving. “Not one. They all fall through. I started thinking something was wrong with me, you know?” Morgan gave you another look, his sad, big brother one this time. “But then Spencer and I started getting closer, he took me on what I thought, I guess, were a couple of dates. I mean, he paid and drove and walked me to my door and all that cute shit. That’s a date, right? I mean, he never kissed me on the lips, but it’s Spencer.” You didn’t even look to see Morgan’s reaction, but he was nodding. “I started to think maybe it was never me, maybe it was the guys--”

“It was the guys,” Morgan argued. “Alright? You’re amazing. Anyone would be lucky to have you. It would be a damn honor. Don’t let that head of yours convince you otherwise.”

You shook your head, the crime scene rapidly approaching. “I’m not so sure anymore.”

You were out of the car and introducing yourself to the police on the scene before Morgan could even blink.

Morgan can only hope Reid had a good reason for having a woman at his door and hugging her, and letting her kiss his cheek. Reid doesn’t give hugs to just anyone, let alone accept a kiss, so whoever it was, obviously she was more than a friend.

The thought of Reid being a player makes Morgan smile. On the one hand, he’s a little bit proud. On the other, he’s pissed. It’s one thing to have one night stands with women who are into that sort of thing, but it’s another to drag someone along -- someone like you, someone who is too good, who deserves better than that.

Morgan had thought about telling you to just talk to Spencer, in hopes that there was a good reason for what you saw, but you’ve made it painfully clear over the past two weeks that you’d rather keep your distance instead.

So, he lets you. He can’t say that he blames you, really. Not after what you told him. He can only hope Spencer will figure this one out before it’s too late.

+++

After the case is closed and you’re back home, you immediately head for the shower. Cases are exhausting enough, but avoiding Spencer made it worse. Going from being attached at the hip to trying to be anywhere except in the same room as him took a toll on you. Not to mention, dodging everyone else’s worried looks. Morgan is the only one you’ve confided in, but that hasn’t stopped Hotch, Emily, JJ, and even Garcia from constantly asking if you’re alright.

Once you’re finished showering and in your pajamas, you head back to the living area. Spencer’s forgotten cardigan lays on the arm of your couch, lonely.

You know you shouldn’t, but you shrug it on anyway. No harm in wearing it. Not like he misses it. He probably has a hundred others.

You head to the kitchen to make yourself some tea, hoping it’ll soothe your nerves and help you drift off to sleep before your mind has the time to make you think of Spencer.

Too late.

Sighing heavily, you place the kettle on the stove. You hum a song while you’re at it, knowing that you’re being endlessly dramatic.

It’s not like you had sex with Spencer. Hell, the most the two of you did was hold hands and you kissed his cheek. He kissed your head once, though you think it was an accident.

Still, there was never a label. Why are you so upset?

Don’t call me kid, don’t call me baby/Look at this idiotic fool that you made me

It’s stupid, really, how hung up you are over this. A few dates don’t exactly mean anything at all. Flirting nowadays can mean nothing, too. You don’t understand any of it.

You cup your cheek gently, foolishly wondering what it would feel like if Spencer’s hand was there instead -- maybe even as he kissed you, but you don’t want to get too carried away. It’s not like anything will ever happen now.

And you know damn well/for you I would ruin myself/a million little times

Maybe you just need more time. This was the first time in a long time that you had let your guard down, let yourself go on dates. So many times it had all gone wrong, so you closed yourself off and focused on your career. You thought since you were stable at the BAU that now it was okay.

You thought Spencer -- Spencer Reid, of all people, you really thought he would’ve been different.

Maybe it’s just your type. Maybe that’s who you attract. The men who don’t want anything serious and never will. They’re stuck in Peter Pan mode. You must be Wendy. It must be a curse.

The kettle boils and you cut the burner off, fixing your tea.

You’re just walking back to the living room when there’s a knock on your door. You freeze, your panicked mind expecting the absolute worst, until you hear Spencer’s voice.

“Y/N?” He calls out. “It’s Spencer-- You probably knew that already.”

You smile into your tea, but you make no move for the door. You want-- no, you ache to let him inside, but you know it’s a bad idea. He’s probably here to ask if you’re alright, and you don’t have the energy to answer him. He’s probably going to go back to his girlfriend after this. You really don’t know that you can handle a face-to-face rejection.

“Y/N, please,” Spencer says again, pleading. He knocks once more, quietly. “I see lights are on, so I’m just going to...assume you can hear me.”

You walk a step closer. You don’t want to let him inside, but maybe you can listen. That won’t be too bad, right?

“Y/N, I’m...I’m sorry.”

Oh, tears. Stupid, stupid tears. You wipe them on the sleeve of his cardigan, glad that they’re at least falling quietly right now.

“I don’t know what I did, but I’m...I’m just sorry and I miss you and it’s killing me that you won’t even look at me. I…” Spencer pauses, and you walk closer, biting on the sleeve to keep from letting out a sob. “I’m sorry, I don’t… Please, just tell me what I did.”

You press your back to the door, sliding down until you hit the floor. You keep your knees against your chest and set the mug of tea down next to you. The noise causes Spencer’s ears to perk up.

“Y/N? Is that you?”

“Yeah, Spencer,” you barely speak loud enough for him to hear. “It’s me.”

“Please, tell me what I did,” he pleads, voice breaking. Is he crying, too? “I don’t know what it was, but I’ll fix it. Or I’ll try-- Please, let me try.”

“Spencer…” You sigh, tears falling down your cheeks with no restraint. “Be honest with me, are you seeing someone else?” You pause, choking on a sob. So many times you’ve had this conversation, the rejection, finding out you weren’t the one they wanted. Too many times. But none of them ever hurt this bad. “Do you have a girlfriend?”

“What?” Spencer nearly falls over. Why on earth would you think that? “What are you talking about? Of course not.”

“Don’t lie to me, please,” you groan, pressing your hand to your forehead. This is pathetic. You shouldn’t be showing him how upset you are. And through a door, no less. Can you get any more dramatic?

“What are you talking about?”

“I was at your apartment, Spencer,” you mutter, wiping angrily at your cheeks. “I went to drop off this stupid cardigan of yours and you-- You were hugging a woman outside your door and I saw it and I saw her kiss you--”

You cut yourself off, choking on another sob, and Spencer sighs. He understands now.

“Open the door. Please,” he says.

“Why?” You reply quietly. “If you’re just going to reject me, please, just do it through the door.” The last thing you want is for him to see you like this when he tells you he’s seeing someone else, that he didn’t even know you liked him, and so on.

“I’m not rejecting you,” he says softly. “Please.”

You know it’s a bad idea, but how much worse can things get?

You stand to your feet and open the door, careful of the mug of tea on the floor. Spencer’s heart drops at the sight of you. Tear stains on your cheeks, red eyes, your quivering lip as you try to hold things together, and...his cardigan hanging off your shoulders. Somehow the last tops it all off, sends a strike of pain right to his heart.

You wipe some more tears away with the sleeve, motioning for him to start talking. “Go on.”

“She’s an old friend. We did kiss before, once. But she’s not my girlfriend. She was in town and wanted to stop by to tell me she’s getting married...to her girlfriend of three years.”

You nod slowly. For some reason, that doesn’t even make you feel better. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Spencer asks, hopeful tone and all. “Are we okay?”

“What are we, Spencer?” You ask, eyes still watering. “I can’t keep going on the way we were going, you know? It’s agonizing, I just want to know what’s going on in your head.”

Spencer smiles softly. “I want you to...to be my girlfriend.”

Your ears are deceiving you. They must be. “Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure. I thought it was obvious,” he chuckles. “That’s one of the things I talked to her about -- her name’s Jess. She invited me-- us to the wedding. I was gonna ask you to be my girlfriend-- I still want to, I mean, if you’ll have me.”

More tears spring to your eyes and Spencer’s heart jumps, thinking he did something completely wrong.

“What happened? Did I say something?”

“No,” you shake your head. “God.” You wipe at your cheeks before turning and retreating back into your apartment. Spencer has no choice but to follow you.

He spots your mug of tea and places it on the coffee table as he shuts your front door gently with his foot.

“I’m so...stupid,” you mutter, jumping when you see he’s followed you inside. He’s not unwelcome here by any means, you’re just an idiot. A huge idiot.

“You’re not stupid,” he argues. “I wish you would’ve talked to me.”

“Would you believe me if I told you this has happened to me before?” You murmur pathetically, propping your body against the arm of your couch.

Spencer’s heart breaks more. You won’t look at him again.

“I’m sorry,” you sigh, clasping your hands together, fighting the shakes. “I should’ve talked to you, I just-- This has happened before and those times it was… Well, you know.” You finally look up at him, tears falling. “The first time the guy didn’t even try hiding it. The second one did, but not very well because I still found out. The third wasn’t even aware that he was flirting with me, I guess. I don’t know how you can take someone on dates for months and not be aware, but he said he wasn’t.” You pause, looking away again. “I just saw a pattern and I freaked out and I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Spencer whispers, even though you still feel like it’s not.

You shake your head.

“Y/N, it is,” he presses on. “I should’ve...talked to you about how I’m feeling, but I was scared. You’re the first girl that’s-- I don’t know, liked me for me, I guess. Dorkiness and all.”

You chuckle, and Spencer nearly grins. He got a laugh. That’s something.

“How about we both make a deal to communicate better?” He offers. You nod, so he keeps going. “I’ll go first. I really want you to be my girlfriend.”

You can’t help but smile now, all dumb and trying to hide it in the sleeve of his cardigan. “I’d really love to be your girlfriend.”

“Yeah?” He asks, almost like he wasn’t even expecting you to agree, but you nod, confirming it for his genius brain.

The kiss the two of you share is a long time coming. It’s gentle and warm, relaxing your muscles and easing the tension you’ve held in them for the past two weeks. Spencer gathers you in his arms, keeping you close, with zero intent of ever letting you go.

+++

When you walk into the BAU the next morning, you are painfully reminded that you are surrounded by the best profilers in the country.

It’s no secret that you and Spencer have been “dating” for a while, but you never showed PDA -- partly because the two of you were fumbling around your true feelings, and partly because you’re not too sure how relationships stand with protocol here.

Apparently, despite coming in fifteen minutes apart from one another, everyone can see right through you both.

Morgan is the first to say something. He catches you when the elevator doors open and you have Spencer’s cardigan hanging over your shoulders. In your defense, Spencer forgot to grab it when he left your house sometime this morning, so you were just trying to return it -- again.

“Late night?” Morgan raised his eyebrows.

Realizing your mistake, your eyes widen. “Shut up.” You step off the elevator and point a threatening finger in his face. “Not a word.”

Morgan’s hands raise in surrender, but he still has that goddamn smile on his face. “Might wanna take off that cardigan, sweetheart. You’re too obvious.”

Angrily, you shrug it off and walk into the bullpen.

Spencer is at his desk, so you shove his cardigan into his chest. “You forgot this.”

Upon seeing that it’s you, Spencer’s lips stretch into a grin. “Thanks.” He pauses, folding the cardigan over his arm. “I was kind of hoping you’d keep it,” he whispers, eyes darting around to be sure no one is listening. “It looks better on you, anyway.”

You bite down hard on the inside of your cheek. “Give it to me tonight, then,” you wink, earning a light blush on Spencer’s cheeks.

Hotch watches this encounter from the railing and smiles. He’s sure neither of you will do anything to warrant him giving you a stern talk about relationships and work, so he won’t mention anything for now.

Instead, he retreats back into his office, glad you’ve finally gotten over yourselves.

Garcia catches on when you come to visit her in her office only to find Spencer already standing there. He’s animatedly talking about Doctor Who, but stops abruptly when he sees you. It doesn’t take a profiler to understand the glances, the smiles, and awkward goodbyes that were shared so you could ask Garcia a question.

Prentiss is just glad the two of you will look at one another again, but the way you keep glancing over her shoulder to see Spencer is more than obvious. It’s so obvious that Prentiss and JJ share a knowing look, but say nothing. They should’ve placed bets.

You and Spencer catch each other’s eyes more than a dozen times every hour, and he follows you to the break room to conveniently get a coffee at the same time as you.

Yeah, you’re not being obvious at all.

Neither of you notice that the team has caught on, so you take your chances when you find yourselves alone in the break room. You can practically hear the conversations the rest of the team is having out in the bullpen, so you let Spencer pull you into his arms, his chin resting on top of your head.

This is a lot for Spencer, and you too, if you’re honest. Hugs are something you never found yourself enjoying, but when you’re tucked into Spencer’s chest, you never want to leave.

You’re both too busy holding one another to hear Hotch’s footsteps as he enters the room. The clearing of his throat is what finally breaks the two of you apart.

“Agent Hotchner,” you blurt, straightening yourself and taking one too many steps away from Reid.

Hotch smirks. You haven’t called him that since your first day. “New case. Looks like a short one. Conference room in five minutes.”

And he leaves as quick as he came, chuckling under his breath.

You and Spencer share a look before dissolving into laughter and fixing your coffee. You don’t try to walk out of the break room separately, knowing that there’s no use.

Especially not when you get cold on your way to the conference room, and Spencer promptly wraps you in his cardigan.

#criminal minds #spencer reid #dr spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid angst #spencer reid fluff #angst #fluff #angst with a happy ending #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds fanfiction

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aerynwrites · 3 years

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If you're still doing marcus requests... do you think you could write something where he just broke up with Teresa and is preparing to go to DC, and the reader is his best friend, but she tries to muster up the courage to confess that she loves him before he goes? Thank you 💕

AHhh this is so cute! Thanks for requesting this! <3

Stay

Marcus Pike x Reader

Word Count: 1.3k

Warnings: tiny bit of angst followed by fluff!

Love is a funny thing.

It’s a funny thing simply because it can be so many things at once. It can be a warm slow growing feeling that begins as butterflies in your tummy before eventually moving it’s way into your heart. It can be an all at once feeling that seems to blow you off your feet. It can be a comforting feeling that reminds you of home and all the wonderful things that come with it. But it can also be sad. It can make your heart ache and your fingertips tingle. It can make your stomach roll in anxiousness, and make your mind run wild with all the different outcomes. But most of all, love is a powerful thing, able to make even the strongest man crumble beneath the weight of it all.

Which is what happened to your best friend.

You watched as Marcus experienced everything that love is, before the woman of his affections snatched it away when she realized her true feelings lied in another. While you were there as he cried on your shoulder and held you tightly in his arms as his grief ran out of him like a river, you couldn’t help the small sense of relief that washed over you. You too have experienced what Love is, except it was for the man who had cried in your arms, for the man you knew you could never have because he only saw you as his friend.

You too knew that Love can be sad.

You witnessed the awful ache that spread it;s tendrils through your chest when he told you he was leaving. You felt the way your stomach seemed to turn in on itself as you stood outside his door, ready to lay everything before him, no matter the outcome. Because you also knew all the good that Love can be, and that outweighed the bad, tenfold. And if there was even the slightest chance that Marcus could return the love you held for him, then you had to take that leap of faith.

You stood outside of Marcus’s apartment, wringing your hands together nervously as you built up the courage to knock on his door. It had been several weeks since Teresa had broken things off with Marcus, broken his heart. And now, he is leaving for DC, having told you the news over one of your weekly movie nights with empty Chinese takeout containers lying on the coffee table. You had held back your tears, shielded your crumbling heart as you hugged him and wished him the best. Because that;s what friends are supposed to do right? Encourage each other to pursue what’s best for them and what they want to do. Yet, as you hugged him and he hugged you back, you were unaware of the other heart breaking right across from yours.

Marcus didn’t want to leave you. In fact he had hoped you would reduce his plan, ask him to stay so he had a reason too. Because, unbeknownst to you, Marcus had only pursued Theresa because he never thought he could have you. He hadn’t realized this until later, after he had been talking to you one night after the break up. But it seems even you didn’t want him around enough to ask him to stay. So he made the arrangements to go to DC, hoping time away from everything would help him forget.

Marcus was actually packing the last of his bags when you took a deep breath and knocked firmly on his door. You shifted from one foot to the other anxiously as you waited for him to answer, and you felt your heart rate speed up as you heard his footsteps nearing the door. When the lock clicked and the door was pulled open to reveal the face of the man you loved, you felt a small if somewhat nervous smile come to your face.

“Hey Marcus,” you greet quietly.

He beams at you, holding the door open wider to guide you into the apartment, “Hey, I didn’t expect you to come by,” he says, closing the door behind you and shoving his hands into his pockets as he looks around the mostly empty apartment, “I’m not really in the best spot to entertain right now,” he jokes.

You shake your head and send him a small smile, “You know I don’t care Marcus,” you say, “I just came by too…” you trail off, unsure of how to segway into what you want to tell him, “I wanted to see you again before you left,” you say finally, eyes falling to the floor.

His eyes soften at your words, as if he himself had forgotten that he's moving across the country. He shifts on his feet for a moment before finally speaking again, “Why do I feel like that’s not the only reason you came all the way across town?”

You feel tears well up in your eyes at his words. Ever the FBI agent, trained to notice all the little things. Before you can stop yourself you launch yourself into Marcus, wrapping your arms around his middle and burrowing your face in his chest. Your tears soaking through the white t-shirt he’s wearing.

“Please don’t go, Marcus,” you beg quietly, voice wet with tears, “I don’t know what I’m going to do if you go.”

After his momentary shock at your sudden actions, Marcus wraps his arms around you tightly, resting his head atop your own, your name falling from his lip, “I’ve already made the transfer...and all of my things have been moved down there. I can’t just-”

“I love you.”

Your voice is barely a whisper as the words slip past your lips, but Marcus hears them, and you feel his entire body tense, but you don’t move from your position in his arms. Instead you pull him tighter to you, afraid if you let go he’ll run away.

“That’s what I came here to tell you,” you admit, “I’ve felt like this for a while now but never said anything because I didn’t want to ruin what we had, and then you and Theresa -”

You hadn’t even been able to finish your sentence before Marcus was pulling you away from him, cradling your face in his hands and crashing his lips to yours. It didn’t take you long to respond, your body melting into his, as your hands rested on his wrists. Your tears seem to flow harder now, mixing together where your lips meet as you are bombarded with an onslaught of mixed emotions. Your lips move against his naturally, as if you both had done this a million times despite this being your first kiss. Marcus pulls away slowly after a few moments, both of you desperate for air. His hands stay where they are, his thumbs wiping at the tears on your cheeks, as your own hands fall to his chest.

“Marcus? W-what, why did you-”

“I love you too,” he rasps, resting his forehead against your own, “I didn’t realize it then, but I love you so much, and I only used my relationship with Theresa as a way to try and smother my feelings for you.”

You pull back from him slightly, his hands falling from your face to rest on your hips instead, “Why didn’t you say anything?” you whisper, confusion tugging at your brows.

He chuckles and shakes his head, “Same reason you didn’t,” he says, “Because I’d rather have you as a best friend than not have you at all.”

You smile at his words, tugging your bottom lip between your teeth for a moment before looking up at him, “Well I hope after that kiss we can be more than best friends now.”

Marcus lets out a laugh and nods, “I think I can agree to that,” he says quietly, his demeanor turning sheepish before he speaks again.

“Stay the night?” he asks, pressing a short kiss to your lips, “Please?”

You smile and return the kiss quickly before nuzzling your head into his chest again, “Of course, Marcus. And I hope you’ll call and cancel that transfer tomorrow.”

Marcus smiles, pressing a kiss to the top of your head before resting his cheek against it once again, content to finally be holding you in his arms.

“Anything for you, sweetheart.”

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dear-selena · 5 years

Text

All I See (Peter Parker x Soulmate! Reader): Chapter 3

Peter x Reader Soulmate!AU

Summary: You live in a world where women start to gain color when they meet their soulmate, but they cannot see all the colors at once until they’ve united with them. Peter Parker is your soulmate, but he has no idea. You want to tell him about the colors you see, but are afraid to. Sometimes, girls can be malicious with the soulmate troupe, and you don’t want Peter to think you’re doing the same. So you keep quiet, and experience one color at a time.

It isn’t until Liz Allan comes in the picture that all you see is green, and you hate it.

Warnings: Subtle mentions of blood and TONS OF ANGST

A/N: Hello everyone! I’m really happy to see the positive feedback so far. I really want to thank everyone for reading this lil ol’ fanfic of mine. I’ve really been enjoying writing again, so I’m hoping to keep this up before I go back to school. Please let me know if you’d like to be tagged for future updates!

Chapter Three: Past Colors

Words: 2116

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“Ah, shit!”

Peter hissed, biting his tongue in order not to yell and alert your parents of his presence. He had just come to your home, in the middle of the night, with a large open scrape across his right bicep. He had a pretty rough fight with some people trying to break into an apartment complex, and although he managed to stop them, he still came out of the fight with cuts and bruises. When he found himself in really bad shape, he’d web sling right to you for help.

The two of you currently sat on your bed, the top of his Spider-Man suit off to give you easier access to his injuries. You wipe the outside of his wound with soap and warm water, purple colors making his cut look darker than it probably was. Before you could wrap his arm in gauze and stop any further bleeding, you wanted clean his wound.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry…” you mumble quietly as you try to continue cleaning the scrape. You wanted to stop after he hissed, as you hated the idea of hurting him. But you knew you needed to help patch up your soulmate. Despite your purple vision and your anxious heartbeat, you wanted to make sure Peter was okay.

After a couple minutes, his wound looked to be in a good place for you to cover it. Taking the gauze you always kept around for him, you securely wrap his bicep until you could not see any form of injury. You let out a sigh of relief you didn’t realize you were holding as your vision turns turquoise. You successfully helped patch up your soulmate once again.

You helped make sure your soulmate was safe once again.

Peter slowly moved his right arm, testing to see if it was still functional. After a moment, you suddenly felt strong arms wrap around you. Peter was embracing you with one of his hands in your hair, one on your back, and his head tucked into your neck.

Your vision immediately turns pink at his actions. You feel yourself blush as you quickly returned the hug, wrapping your arms around his back and leaning into his bare chest. You’ve hugged Peter plenty of times before, but the thought of him holding you in such an exposed state made you internally melt.

“God (Y/N), what would I do without you?” Peter asks into your neck.

“Probably bleed to death in your home.”

Peter chuckled as he lifted himself off you, his hands moving to hold yours as he smiles at you. “Seriously though, you’re a miracle worker. I’m so glad I can actually rely on you for help,” Peter practically gushes.

The tone Peter had made you frown in confusion. “What do you mean?”

Peter blinked, realizing that you caught on to what he was saying. “O-oh, it’s nothing too crazy… it’s something really stupid that happened before I met you.”

You had an idea of what he was talking about, and if you’re being honest, you wanted to hear him talk about it. “You can talk about it with me, it’s okay Pete.”

Peter looks at you and slightly smiles, squeezing your hands a little tighter and rubbing his thumbs on your knuckles. “So, this is going to sound absolutely ridiculous, but last year I started seeing a girl who claimed I was her soulmate.”

You knew where he was going with this story, but you couldn’t help the green that embraced your vision.

“Her name was Gwen, and I thought she was really sweet,” Peter continued. “She used to tell me how she could only see pink around me and blue when I was gone. I honestly believed her, and I dated her for about four months. I honestly really liked her, and I was so happy to have met my soulmate. But I didn't realize until later on that she was dating 4 other guys at school. She was basically using us for different things. I assume she was using me to pass her classes. She was failing calculus when we started dating,” Peter puts his right hand in his face and sighs angrily. “I was just- I was just so caught up in the idea of finding my soulmate that I didn’t see any of the red flags. I was trying to find ways to spend more time with her and tell her I’m Spider-Man. But every time, she would blow me off for God knows what. It really hurt when I caught her cheating on me, and it broke me when she said she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore.”

Peter’s story left you in utter shock. You knew this happened, but you didn’t know to what depths. What this girl did to your soulmate was just so awful, and you can feel your blood boiling inside of you. Your vision slowly started to turn red, a color that relates to anger and frustration. You’ve only seen this color when Peter did something to really bothered you, but this time you knew you saw red because of what Gwen did to him. How could someone lie to so many guys about the soulmate troupe? How could someone like Peter?

How could someone use your soulmate?

You take a deep breath, trying to calm yourself down before taking Peter’s hand again and bringing them closer to you in an attempt to comfort him. Peter looks up at you, eyes glistening with tears he was clearly fighting off. “Peter I’m so sorry she did that. Words cannot describe how angry it makes me to know people like her do this to others. The soulmate connection should be a special thing that comes naturally. She probably still sees in black and white for all we know.” You take another deep breath as the red calms back down to a pink. “I can assure you that no matter what, I’ll always be here for you, and I will never lie to you. I care about you too much.”

It’s true, you truly cared for Peter. Yes, these feelings came with the pleasure of being his soulmate, but despite that, he was a genuinely good guy. He cared about people and risked his life everyday for them. He took time out of his crazy schedule to see you, Ned, and MJ now that his responsibilities as a superhero are starting to play out better. He cares about his grades, future, and most importantly, his friends.

He was simply amazing, soulmate or not.

“Thanks (Y/N), that means so much,” Peter smiles at you. You pull him in for another hug and Peter tucks his head back into the crook of your neck. Absentmindedly, you start tracing random shapes on his back, fully engulfed in his embrace. Your vision dances in pink and yellow, as you feel multiple emotions inside of you. Eventually, your vision settles into a calm and beautiful pink that made your heart feel warm. Moments like this don’t happen often between the two of you. But when they do, you wished they lasted forever.

“Hey (Y/N)?” Peter mumbles into your neck. He pulls himself off of you to look at you better, much to your dismay. “Why haven’t you told your soulmate about you?”

You quickly look away from him. “Uh, uh- what?”

“You know how you mentioned you know your soulmate? Why haven’t you told them yet?”

You can feel a blush quickly cover your face, and you wish you could just explode on the spot. You never talk about your soulmate, much less to your soulmate himself. But this might be the segway to the conversation you ultimately need to have with him.

“Oh… uh… well…” You try to find the right words to say. “I don’t think my soulmate sees me in a romantic way. I want him to, you know, have feelings for me naturally. I don’t want him to think I’m burdening him or lying or anything like that.”

You glance at Peter to see him looking at you in disbelief. “(Y/N), c’mon. Don’t think like that. Your soulmate is going to love you!” He chuckles to himself. “Not gonna lie, when you told us at lunch that you can see colors a few weeks ago, I was pretty jealous.”

“Well that makes two of us,” you thought to yourself, remembering that his old crush moved back and you now mostly see green.

“I used to be so excited to meet my other half, and I hate the fact that there’s no way I’ll know who she is until she says something. I guess that’s why I believed Gwen at the time…” He looked down and shook his head, practically scolding himself. “But Aunt May and I always talk about how soulmates are ultimately destined to work out, so you should just be honest to whoever it is!”

Your heart starts accelerating at his words of encouragement, but before you can say anything to him, he continues.

“Just take me and Liz for example. Sure, she hasn’t mentioned any soulmate stuff to me yet, but I think Liz moving back must be some sort of sign. I never thought I’d see her again, but the soulmate thing has to be why the universe brought her back.”

Your eyes went wide as you felt your heart completely drop to your stomach. Was he really falling for Liz again? The pink instantly changed to green and you felt your fists clench and teeth grit. Constantly hearing about Liz made you want to burst, but you knew that would get you know. It just frustrates you to no end that after all the times you’ve spent together, Peter was falling for another girl.

You suddenly realize that you should have told Peter about your colors a long time ago. You should have told him that he was your soulmate the moment you felt comfortable around him. You’ve avoided it for so long out of fear, but he was right. It’s time to be honest to Peter. The more you wait to tell him the more he thought he belonged to someone else.

You’re tired of holding this information in. You’re ready to tell Peter.

You close your eyes and take a deep breath, ready to reveal yourself to your soulmate once and for all. Ready to explain why you held back and silently pray to God that he would understand. You open your eyes to see Peter staring at you curiously.

You were ready to see all the colors at once. You were ready to tell him the truth he’s so long deserved to know.

“Peter, I-“

Peter’s phone suddenly rings, blasting his ring tone throughout your room. Both you and Peter jump apart at the sudden noise. Peter quickly rummages around until he frantically picks up his phone off your night stand.

“Hello?... Aunt May what are you still doing up?... I’m sorry there was this really bad fight and (Y/N) was helping me-... I’m sorry… yes… yes I’ll come home now. I’m sorry,” Peter quickly hangs up the phone and slides the upper part of his suit back on his body.

“I’m really sorry (Y/N), Aunt May noticed I was gone and she’s really worried right now,” Peter got up and found his mask, slipping it back on his head. “Thank you again for your help, I’ll see you Monday?”

You nod your head, mentally cursing Aunt May for the interruption. “Yes, get home safe.”

After a quick hug and him telling you to get some sleep, Peter was out your window, web-slinging through the streets of Queens once again. You clean up the mess you made while performing first-aid on Peter, and tuck yourself into bed.

Right when Peter left, your vision instantly turned red again. You were frustrated, as you just lost your perfect opportunity to reveal yourself to your soulmate. Finding another perfect time to tell him will practically be impossible now. Peter just opened up to you in a way he’s never done so before, and telling him that you’re his soulmate now might make him suspicious. You hate that this isn’t easy for you. You hated that you hadn’t told him earlier. But most of all, you hated that he didn’t see you the way you saw him.

As you tried to fall asleep that night, there were two things you knew you needed to do. One, you’d need to calm yourself down by Monday to put your thoughts cleanly together, and two…

You needed to find a way to tell Peter that he was your soulmate.

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-Tagged List-

@peteerrpaarkerr // @littlemissporter // @the-soulless-spider // @fakindob // @stuckonpeterparker // @godhatestarynn // @itsjustahuman // @saxgirl21 // @freestarlight // @clara-licht // @cats-before-us // @horanxholland // @thenerdiverse // @roseryss // @ohbabycal // @superwholock36 // @famouslastlove // @azgucci // @invisiblelakes // @lost-in-translating // @peter-parker-tony-stank-trash // @jillanaholland

#peter parker #peter parker x reader #spiderman #spiderman homecoming #spiderman far from home #mcu #marvel #self insert #soulmate #peter parker x y/n #peter parker x soulmate #tom holland x reader #tom holland #dear-selena-fanfiction

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ellebabywrites · 5 years

Text

The Power Of Touch - Yoon Jeonghan

Type : Oneshot // Angst // Fluff // Smut

Warnings : Sensitive subjects and possibly triggering themes // TouchAversion!au

Word Count : 5945

Author Note : This story is completely self indulgent and personal to me because I suffer with touch aversion , that has got exponentially worse lately , so here’s a little piece of something from my heart 💕

Disclaimer : Not everyone with TA uses gloves as it doesn’t always help. For example some people are okay as long as it’s not skin-to-skin . I don’t use gloves personally but I can’t handle much or even any contact . I included them in this story to better tell the narrative and show the character progression :)

Sight. Smell. Taste. Sound. Touch. Touch. Touch.

Holding hands. A kiss goodbye. A high five. A hug. Touch connects us. When you lose that connection, it’s impossible to describe how alone you become. When you can’t reach out and touch, it feels like you’re drifting through life with no one there to catch you, nothing to keep you grounded in reality. There’s no comfort. No home. It is the loneliest feeling in the world. Isolation is detrimental.

Touch Aversion, or TA, can come around for a number of reasons; for many people it’s a reaction to a trauma that’s happened in their lives, a form of PTSD; for others it’s a symptom of OCD. For you, it’s a side effect of anxiety. There wasn’t any big traumatic event that caused you to be like this, you weren’t hurt as a child, never involved in anything particularly bad. It just happened.

You’ve been like this for as long as you can remember. The feeling of being touched making your skin burn and body cringe away; triggering panic attacks as you suddenly don’t feel safe. In some twisted way you feel safer in that bubble, being separate from the world - but like everyone you have moments. When all you want to do is curl up in someone's’ chest; to be held - but you can’t because it hurts too much.

The only person you’ve ever let close enough to touch you is Joshua. Joshua Hong; your best friend since preschool. He was with you before the TA started and he’s been by your side through it all. He understood your boundaries and made sure you felt safe and cared for in other ways; like bringing you an extra banana milk for lunch every day in 5th grade, or buying your first pair of gloves in 8th. Unconventional yes, but wearing gloves works as an extra barrier of protection, making life that little bit easier day to day. Besides, they made you feel fancy and who doesn’t like feeling fancy every now and then.

Growing up, Joshua always tried to help you open up to other people, but you just couldn’t. Then came adulthood and dating started becoming an issue. People didn’t understand it, and why would they? What kind of relationship can you have without touch? So you went on your fair share of first dates; dinners and movies that ended abruptly with the touch of a hand or even waist - until you gave up all together. You’ve lived alone in this bubble for most of your life, you could survive.

“Y/N please,” Joshua was laying on your bed whining while you were sorting through your latest portfolio, “It will be good for you and you know it. It’s just one date!” You’d invited him over to help you narrow down the shots from your latest photography job, but of course Joshua had managed to segway into setting you up on a blind date.

“Josh I seriously need your help here,” You lift two photos up in front of him, “left or right for the black and white?” you ask, face devoid of any emotion a his eyes narrow in on you, sizing you up to find the best way of breaking you down.

“Right, it’s pretty” he caves, a sigh escaping his lips as he falls back down on the mattress, “Jeonghan’s a good guy Y/N, Cheol’s been trying to set him up for months and I really think the two of you would hit it off.”

Joshua was relentless, you’re his best friend and he just wants to see you happy. Lately you’ve been burying yourself in work, avoiding hang outs and calls; entering, what Josh calls, the dark and twisty place.

“It’s not supposed to be pretty, it’s supposed to be strong,” you avoid his sharp gaze at your blatant change of subject, continuing to piece photos together inside the binder.

It took a beat for you to give in to the lasers pointed at the side of your face, sighing as you turn back to him, “you know dates for me don’t work Josh, it’s a waste of time for both me and him.” Joshua looks at you with such pity, seeing the way you try to hide the drop of your smile, forcing your lips to stay pulled up, looking anywhere but him.

“Y/n,” he calls your attention, “Han is one of my best friends, he’s worked at the company with me for years,” he stands up and reaches for your bare hands. It wasn’t until 11th grade that you felt comfortable enough to let him touch you skin-on-skin; since then Joshua has been your only source of physical contact, the only one you felt safe with. “I trust him. If it makes you feel better I can explain it to him before, so there’s no surprises?”

He was looking down at you with those big doe eyes, slowly drawing circles on your wrists with his thumbs - how could you say no?

Reluctantly, you nod.

“Please talk to him first, I think if there’s another Creepy Steve incident i’ll never leave the house again,” you laugh half-joking. Creepy Steve had been a guy from one of your shoots who had asked you to dinner and then tried to feel you up under the table.

---

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. Why did you always let Joshua talk you into these things? You wanted to be anywhere but here; sitting at a table in the middle of the new Italian restaurant downtown, waiting for your blind date to show up. It’s been months since you were last on a date, Creepy Steve be damned, and you were nervous. You fiddled with the hem of your gloves, constantly pulling them up and adjusting the fingers, trying to calm yourself down. Joshua had shown you a photo of Jeonghan shortly after the date had been confirmed, he was gorgeous, which typically meant this was about to go very badly.

Just outside the front of the restaurant, Jeonghan was standing adjusting his dress shirt and smoothing his hair down. He was just as, if not more, nervous than you were. For years he’s heard about you from Joshua, how incredible you were, how kind, how cheerful. He’d seen the picture of Josh and you at graduation on his colleagues desk everyday, he’d seen how beautiful you were. He was nervous.

Joshua had filled him in a little bit about your TA beforehand and Jeonghan had immediately went away and did some research, worried encase he did anything that would make you uncomfortable. Deciding it was time to bite the bullet and go in, Jeonghan takes one final deep breath before entering.

There you were. Sitting on a table in the centre of the restaurant, eyes cast downwards and hair swept to the side. He could see your fingers toying with the gloves on your hands and he suddenly felt a lot more relaxed knowing you were nervous too.

“Y/N?” Hearing your name knocks you out of the daze you’d drifted into; lifting your gaze to meet the man you’d been waiting for.

“Yes, um, hi,” he was a lot more beautiful in person, “Jeonghan right?” you stand to greet him but he stops you, holding his hands up and giggling shyly. If you looked close enough you’d see the faint blush that was beginning to paint his face and neck, but luckily for him your own nerves were keeping your eyes trained on the table between you.

The both of you sit down and order food, occupying the silence with small talk while you wait.

“Your gloves are very pretty,” Jeonghan compliments, not missing the way you try and hide your hands at the sudden attention. Worried he thought you were being rude wearing gloves at the table, your face blushes a deep purple and you look back to the ground.

“I’m sorry, I have a… a thing, the gloves.. Um,” through your flustered state you try to explain yourself but your words fall short. Jeonghan thinks he like seeing you flustered. The way your eyes grow larger and cheeks flush makes you look incredibly cute. He can see you stuttering and takes a second to smile warmly at you.

“Don’t worry, Joshua told me a little bit about it,” you visibly relax at that, thankful that your best friend hadn’t just left you in the deep end this time, “he’s told me a lot about you actually, you’re in photography?” Jeonghan asked, genuinely interested to hear about you.

The conversation flowed naturally, both talking in length about your work and lives over dinner. You tell Jeonghan about the trip you took to Paris last year for one of your photography jobs and you learn that he works at the same tech company as Joshua.

“Is that how you met Josh?” you ask, taking a sip of the red wine he had refilled for you not a moment before.

“Oh no, I met Shua through Seungcheol first, then when I got the job at the company we all just got closer,” he smiles remembering the two friends and you find yourself smiling along with him. “What about you?” he asks, “how did you meet Joshua?”

“We’re childhood friends,” you tell him, “Josh has been with me for my entire life, but he must be getting tired of me lately, he’s always trying to set me up,” you giggle, feeling light from the wine and comfortable enough now to joke with Jeonghan.

He watches you. A million thoughts racing through his mind; how badly he wants to brush that stray piece of hair out of your face, if your lips are as soft as they look, “I don’t think anyone could get tired of you,” he confesses, loving the way your neck flushes a dark red at the compliment. Joshua had warned him you found it difficult to open up to people, but so far you had seemed to be calm and just enjoying each other's company; the conversation flowing throughout the entire night. Jeonghan liked you, and as much as you’d like to deny it, you liked him too.

He walked you back to your apartment after dinner. Maybe it was because he was Joshua’s friend and he trusted him that made you feel more comfortable with Jeonghan than you usually do with strangers. When you get to the door of your apartment you both lingered, not quite wanting to leave each other just yet. Jeonghan didn’t know what to do, usually he’d kiss his date goodnight but he knew better with you, “Can I have your number?” he asked shyly instead. After exchanging numbers, the two of you take a second to just stare at each other sweetly, before you bursting in a fit of embarrassed giggles. “I hope we can do this again, I had fun.”

Your lips pulled up into a small smile and you nodded, fiddling with your keys, “I would like that.”

“Goodnight Y/N,” Jeonghan sends you a wave before making his way back to the elevator and you enter your apartment. Leaning against the door and sliding down to the floor as soon as you’re inside. You really liked him, and that scared you.

---

The next morning, you were woken up by Joshua loudly slamming your front door and calling out for you from the kitchen.

“Y/N! Wake up, I’m here for tea!!” he was calling over and over again. Begrudgingly, you force yourself up and out of bed, throwing on an old hoodie and shorts, before going out to greet your noisy friend. He was standing in your kitchen, pouring out two cups of coffee.

“I thought you said you wanted tea?” you ask, still half asleep and pushing your hair out of your face, “there’s some on the top shelf in the cupboard.”

Joshua gives you a look that says ‘are you kidding me’ before sliding over one of the cups.

“Not literal tea Y/N, I mean tell me about your date,” he explains, sitting down opposite you at the table, waiting for you to spill the previous nights events.

You really should have expected the interrogation. Jeonghan was one of his best friends too, of course he would want to know everything. It was scary enough having all the thoughts and feelings that came along with Jeonghan, but actually saying it out loud was another story - so instead you decided to play it cool.

“It was… fine,” you hummed, taking a sip of coffee, that was far too bitter, and avoiding eye contact.

“Fine??” Joshua presses,

“Good.. okay it was good.”

Sitting back on his chair, Joshua looked at you for a moment, taking note of how red your ears were getting and the slight bounce of your leg before his face breaks out into a teasing smile, eyes glistening and mouth twitching.

“You like him don’t you! I knew it, I knew you two would be perfect together! Wow I’m such a matchmaker, why am I still in the tech business?” he teased, not giving you any room to protest as he stood up to give you a tight hug and kiss to the temple.

Only Joshua could touch you like that and it wouldn’t send you into a hyperventilating fit, that’s why you always kept everyone at such a distance; always kept your feelings in a teeny tiny box at the back of your mind. But somehow Jeonghan had managed to open up that box and set all those feelings free, after only one date. Getting you to admit it to yourself was going to take a lot more than one of Joshua’s bubbling rants.

---

Similarly to with you, on the other side of town Seungcheol was busy questioning Jeonghan, wanting to know all the details.

Were you like how Joshua described you? Were you even more beautiful in person? Did he fuck up and accidentally touch you? Did you even show up?

“I’m not saying a word Cheol,” Han was adamant, turning away from the other boy, suddenly finding the couch cushions very interesting.

“C’mon Han, give me something! What is she like?” Seungcheol knew that he’d never get Han to break, but his curiosity was out of control. To them, you were this mysterious goddess Joshua had told them stories about but they’d only ever seen in pictures; Seungcheol couldn’t even deny the small ping of jealousy when Jeonghan had gotten a date with you first.

“She’s nice.” Hannie says flatly, enjoying teasing Cheol way too much to give him any more.

“Nice? Nice enough to see her again? Han you can’t leave me hanging like this!” Seungcheol was too busy whining to notice Jeonghan typing out a message to you on his phone, struggling to repress a smile.

> Hey it’s Han, I was wondering if you wanted to grab coffee later?

> Sure I'd love too, let me just get rid of Josh then I'll get ready :)

He giggled, guessing he wasn’t the only one getting grilled about last night.

---

You went on many dates with Jeonghan after that. Between constantly texting and calling each other, for some reason you just couldn’t stay away. At one point you had spoken to Jeonghan more than you had Joshua, and that was saying something. You liked being around him. You liked how he never pushed too hard, never did anything that could trigger you; but still had a good time.

Jeonghan liked spending time with you too. Every time his phone buzzed, he found his heart skipping a beat at the hope of it being you. He was falling fast. Touching wasn’t even an issue, he just enjoyed your company. Sure there are times when he wants to reach out and hold your hand or lean over to kiss your cheek; but then he hears you giggle at something over the phone, or sees how excited you get over those designs on your coffee, and he realises he’s happy to wait as long as you need, as long as he gets to spend this time with you.

When you take away touch from a relationship; and let’s be honest, this was a relationship; you grow close on a whole other level. You notice so much more and learn so much more about the other person. All their quirks, their habits; like the way you dig your fingernails into your palms whenever you’re in a crowded place; how you like your coffee with lots of milk or how your nose scrunches up if it’s too bitter. You learn a lot about a person when you take away touch, but only if you’re paying attention, and God was Jeonghan paying attention to you.

The two of you went on lots of coffee dates, fitting them in between his lunch breaks and your shoot schedules. When Jeonghan got some days off from work, he took you on trips out of the city, driving to a photo gallery by the beach where you found new ideas and inspirations for a job you were struggling to plan; as well as spending an entire day inside a movie theatre, moving between showing rooms and binging on popcorn. You hadn’t been this happy in a long time.

On your two month anniversary, Jeonghan took you to that same restaurant from your first date. He pulled out your chair and poured your wine; a habit of his you’ve picked up on. What really surprised you was when he handed over a box wrapped with a dark red ribbon; inside being a beautiful pair of gloves, the same red.

“I noticed you only ever wear black and thought maybe you’d like something different,” he says, looking at you with a shy smile, nervous and trying to gage your reaction.

It was one of the kindest, most thoughtful things anyone has ever done for you. It made your fingers tingle with the need to reach out for his hand, but you stopped yourself, not quite there yet.

It was still incredibly scary for you to let anyone in; you’d grown so close, so attached to Jeonghan in such a short period of time that it terrified you. Every time you got too comfortable or you fingers started drifting just a little closer to his, you pulled back.

It took another month before you gave in to temptation and were finally comfortable enough to not wear gloves around Jeonghan. It was a big step, one that didn’t go unnoticed. Joshua gave you a proud, and almost tearful, look you when you left your gloves on the coffee table when going out to meet Han. He knew how important it was for you.

Jeonghan wore a similar expression when he noticed, eyes constantly drifting to you bare hands and even going as far as asking if you were cold; seeing as you’d been wearing them every day for most of your life, he figured you’d be cold. But you weren’t, the rapid beating of your heart was warming you up just fine.

---

It was a weekend and the pair of you were on a walk through the local park. The weather was just starting to chill as the seasons changed and Jeonghan had been complaining about being stuck in the office too much, so you decided that a morning stroll would refresh you both.

Jeonghan was telling you about his week, which was particularly stressful with deadlines approaching. Lost in conversation, you almost didn’t notice the man chasing after a dog heading your direction, not until the man all but crashed into you. At the sudden contact you instinctively move back, too fast that you lose your footing and fall right into Jeonghan’s chest. Everything goes fuzzy.

All of your senses are in overdrive while simultaneously trying to disassociate; you can hear voices but they seem distant; palms sweaty and shaking as you try and move away again, but your knees buckle. Your breathing becomes irregular and you feel the typical panic attack quickly approaching. Jeonghan, who was holding you up so that you wouldn’t fall to the ground, was trying to get your attention, panicking himself seeing you so distressed.

“Y/N, I’m going to put you down okay? Y/N can you hear me?” he asked, eyes scanning over your face, unsure of what was the best way to help, not wanting to make the situation any worse. Slowly, he guided you to the floor, where he sat directly in front of you, holding out his hands so you could see he wasn’t touching you anymore.

“I’m right here Y/N, everything’s okay, I’m here,” despite being scared out of his mind, Jeonghan kept his voice soft and steady, “We can sit right here till you’re okay, I’m so sorry Y/N, I didn’t want you to fall, I’m so sorry I shouldn’t have touched you, it will be okay Y/N.” He was apologising profusely, repeating phrases Joshua had told him helps.

It took a few minutes, but once your breathing had regulated and you were finally starting to calm down. You were beyond embarrassed. Having being caught up in this safe little world with Jeonghan for so long, you had let your guard drop. Not wanting him to see you cry, you bury your face in your knees as you let the tears fall. Beside you, Jeonghan feels like crying too, but he keeps it together enough to whisper calming words to you till you’re ready to stand up and go home.

When you reach your apartment, you turn back to Jeonghan, “I’m really sorry about...that,” you say, voice barely above a whisper and eyes pinned on the floor. You don’t see the way his eyes glass over or lips struggle to contain their trembling.

��It’s okay, it happens,” he is so good, you think, “get some rest Y/N, just call me if you need me,”

Once you’re inside and alone again, you call Joshua. Sobbing down the phone and asking him if he was busy, really needing a hug but feeling too isolated to do anything about it. By the time Joshua arrived at your apartment, you were lying on the floor, curled up in a ball crying. Gently, he lifted you into his lap and lulled you to calm down. You told him everything that happened while he rocked you back and forth, rubbing circles on your back and wiping away the tears from your cheeks.

“You should have seen his face Josh, he looked so hurt, it killed me,” you cry into his chest, remembering how scared and lost Jeonghan had looked earlier, “I can’t do this to him, he’s so good, he deserves so much; he deserves someone who won’t break down whenever he touches them! I wish i could touch him Josh, I want to hold his hand, I want to hug him, but I can’t, I just hurt him! I can’t keep hurting him!”

Joshua listened to you silently, letting you vent it all out till you fell asleep in his arms. It broke his heart to see you like this; being with you since it started, he knows how hard it can be for you. He was always so worried you were closing yourself off, being too afraid to let people in; then Jeonghan happened and he could see the change in you. You weren’t wearing the gloves as often; you left the house more; you were happier. The last thing Joshua wanted was for you to go back into yourself, he’d never be able to get you out again. So, once he had tucked you into bed, he immediately left to see Jeonghan.

---

Jeonghan is in a similarly distressed state when Joshua get’s to his apartment. He’s pacing around the kitchen, eyes red and puffy.

“Is Y/N okay?” he asks, stopping the second he sees Joshua, “Is she hurt? What do I do Josh? I touched her, I’m such an idiot I can’t believe I did that, does she hate me?”

It took Joshua a while to get Jeonghan calm enough to talk everything through. Assuring him you didn’t hate him and you were okay. “It’s not your fault Han, Y/N told me what happened and she feels really bad,” he explains.

“What?” Jeonghan looked up from his shaking hands with scrunched up eyebrows, “Why does she feel bad, she didn’t do anything?”

Joshua looks at his friend with pity. How can these two people who are so obviously in love with each other just not admit it?

“Han. Do you love her?”

It takes a moment, but soon enough Jeonghan is spilling his heart out, confessing every thought and feeling he’s ever had for you since you’d met. How his chest feels like it’s going to explode every time he sees your face, or the way he continuously gets lost in the sparkle of your eyes whenever you’re talking about your work.

The whole time Joshua sits and listens carefully, taking note of the smile that spreads across Han’s face when he talks about you.

“I’ve never loved anyone the way I love her,” he confesses.

“She loves you too you know,” Josh says softly, not sure if he should really be the one to tell him but also knowing you probably never will, “She loves you so much that she thinks she’s hurting you. She wants you to be happy even if it’s without her,”

Jeonghan feels his heart clench. He’s happy with you; he doesn’t want to lose you, he doesn’t want you to feel like you don’t deserve him.

“She... she can’t do that… that’s… I need to see her,” he picked up his coat and was making his way out the door when Joshua reached out to stop him.

“That’s not a good idea right now Han,” Joshua slowly pulled the keys out of his hands, “Just give her a day, let her calm down again and she’ll be okay.”

---

Waking up the next day you feel exhausted and you’re left with a raging headache. Panic attacks always took a lot of you, draining you of all your energy and leaving you as a zombie for at least the next day. There’s a ‘Goodnight, sleep well xx’ text on your phone from Jeonghan but you can’t find the strength to reply; falling naturally into your dark and twisty place, ignoring everything and running on autopilot.

You have a day-long shoot down town so you quickly get dressed; grab your equipment and make your way out the door. Not forgetting the red gloves Jeonghan had gotten you.

By the time lunch rolls around you’ve completely submerged yourself in work, desperately trying to avoid any reminder of the day before. And it was going well; you’d managed to get some great shots and you were already starting to feel a little better. That is until you spotted Jeonghan talking to your assistant at the back of the room. How long had he been here? Why was he here?!

“There you are, is the shoot going well?” He asks when you’d made your way over, why was he acting so normal?

“Um..Yeah it is, Hannie why are you here?” you can’t look him in the eye, all of the embarrassment and hurt rushing back. He swallows dryly seeing your timid reaction to him but after what Josh said, he had to show you, prove that he was here for the long haul.

“I’m taking you to lunch, there’s a café not far from here that has the best coffee,” He’s smiling at you so softly, how could you say no?

It’s awkward. Neither of you quite being able to look the other in the eyes. Jeonghan orders you both a sandwich and coffee, leading you to a table near the back, presumably so you could both cry in private. When you’re both seated and let the silence sink in, he takes a deep breath and looks at you.

“I love you.” he says firmly, he had one shot at this and he was going to make sure you heard him, “I am completely, madly, helplessly in love with you.” Your breathing hitches as you stare back at him; no one had ever said those words to you before.

“Joshua told me how you were feeling but I’m telling you no. Don’t give up on us, because I’m in love with you and I think you love me too; and I know it will be hard and long and i’ll probably make a mistake sometimes but it’s worth it, because I love you so much and I don’t want to let you go.”

It’s overwhelming, but for once it’s not the scary kind. Everything feels warm and safe, sitting here with Jeonghan, who’s telling you all these things you’ve only ever dreamt of hearing and knowing that he’s being sincere and that you feel the same. His eyes are glassy as tears start to build up the more he speaks, telling you everything and hoping that you’ll accept him.

You can’t speak, not sure of what to say that could possibly get across how you feel, so you do something that you’ve been wanting to do for months. You reach over the table and wipe away a stray tear from his cheek, placing your hand down on his hand and softly rubbing circles across his knuckles. You’re still wearing the gloves he bought you but the action is enough for Jeonghan to know what you’re thinking. Tentatively he flips his hand over, linking his fingers with your own and you both start sobbing.

---

Over a year later and so much has changed. Over time and with Jeonghan’s help you managed to open up more and more. TA becoming less of an obstacle in your relationship. Holding hands on your walks through the park; experiencing your first kiss, which went from quick pecks on the cheek to full on make outs; even cuddling at night became a regular occurrence. You’d let him in. It felt good to have someone, other than Joshua, that you felt comfortable enough to touch; suddenly the world became less lonely and a little brighter. Your skin a little warmer and overall you were just happier.

Of course with the highs, came the lows. There were still struggles and it did put a strain on your relationship every now and again. Sometimes, when your anxiety peaked, you couldn’t even let Joshua touch you; or when you’d both been busy with work for a while and not seen each other, it took some time to open back up again. But together you pushed through, and things had never been better.

Not long ago the two of you had decided to get an apartment together, somewhere closer to Jeonghan’s work than his and Cheol’s old place. It was another milestone for you and things couldn’t have gone better. All the boys had helped you both move, and by second night everything was set up. Jeonghan was your forever. This was your forever, and you couldn’t wait.

Naturally you were starting to want more, so of course you knew Jeonghan must have been feeling the same. It had been so long and he had been so patient; but it was getting harder to ignore the subtle poking in your back every morning or the way your panties would be damp after a particularly heated make out session on the couch.

You were more than ready to take this next step, you just didn’t know how to bring it up.

You’re both lying on the couch, legs entangled, watching some movie Joshua had recommended. To be completely honest you had no idea what was happening in said movie, far too distracted by the way Jeonghan’s chest moved up and down with every breath he took; the way his lips curled ever so slightly when he found something funny; how his fingers had been toying with the hem of your t-shirt for the last 20 minutes.

Feeling suddenly needy and confident, you stretch your neck up and place a soft kiss on the side of his neck. Jeonghan looks down at you in shock at your sudden boldness, but there’s a smirk on his face that says he liked it

“Are you okay?” he asks, brushing his fingers through your hair. You do it again, moving higher towards his jawline.

“Need you,” you murmur against his hot skin, kissing him again and feeling his jaw twitch beneath your lips, “I want you Hannie.”

You look up at him with big eyes, trying to convey what you needed, but Jeonghan was still hesitant. Of course he’d wanted to be intimate with you for so long, but he didn’t want to pressure you or move too quickly; but here you were, right in front of him, saying that you needed him and he could feel his resolve quickly melting away.

“Are you sure? Like, really really sure Y/N?” he asks nervously, not wanting you to say no but also scared that you’ll say yes.

“I’m ready Hannie, I want this, please,” and that was all he needed to pick you up and take you into the bedroom.

Everything was slow and careful, Jeonghan wanting to take his time and show you how much you mean to him; it being your first time, he wanted to make it memorable. He slowly pulled off your clothes, letting his fingers dance on the skin beneath. Your body shivered at the foreign feelings; his lips on your stomach; his hands dragging your underwear down your legs; it felt good. He was gentle, treating you as if you were the most delicate thing he’d ever seen, making sure not to go too fast and overwhelm you. Feeling brave, you reach out and tug on his t-shirt, lifting it over his head before throwing it to the side.

You touched him. Fascinated by the warmth of his bare skin, the bumps and curves, you traced your fingers across his entire chest, causing Jeonghan to moan softly. Once he’d removed the rest of his clothes, he grabs a condom from one of the bedside draws and you smirk up at him. He’d been ready for this, you think.

“What?” he questions the look, loving the attention you’re paying him,

“Nothing,” you whisper back, “I love you.”

When he thrusts into you for the first time you’re left breathless; it was a feeling you’d never experienced before and you wanted more. Slowly, Jeonghan starts to move, checking everything was okay before he made any movements, making sure you were comfortable. And you were. You had never felt as safe and as loved as you did right now. The whole time Han whispers praises and how much he loves you into the crook of your neck; while you drag your fingers down the space of his back, feeling the muscles underneath move with every thrust.

Soon enough you’re overwhelmed with emotions as you feel yourself come, tightening around him and moaning loudly into his shoulder; only for him to follow soon after, kissing you deeply and holding you close.

Afterwards, you’re lying on Jeonghan’s chest, softly tracing patterns on his skin.

“You’ll never want to stop touching me now,” he jokes, doing the same on your back and feeling your heartbeat mirror his own through his chest.

“You’re right,” you play along, kissing his chest and snuggling up into his neck.

“Good,” he whispers back, relishing in the feeling of having you so close as you both drift to sleep.

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thorne93 · 6 years

Text

Old Flame, New Problems (Part 16)

Prompt: You’re in a serious relationship with Sebastian Stan, when news from your first love informs you that he’s now single and in need of a friend. Will your old flame burn out or will the flames get fanned and consume you?

Word Count: 1801

Warning: language, angst, fighting (verbal), cheating, drama

Notes: This idea came to me when news hit about Hayden and Rachel splitting. Of course I’m sad that a long time relationship such as theirs is ending, but it also means he’s single sooo…Also, no hate towards Rachel. I don’t know her, don’t know what really happened between them, etc. It’s a fic and in no way reflects what I think of either of them or their precious daughter ^.^

Beta’d by my #1 gal @like-a-bag-of-potatoes

Forever Tags: @capsmuscles @cocosierra94 @essie1876 @magpiegirl80 @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked @harleyquinnandscarletwitch @iamwarrenspeace @marvel-imagines-yes-please @superwholocked527 @myparadise1982sand @missinstantgratification @thejemersoninferno @rda1989 @marvelloushamilton @munlis @thefridgeismybestie @bubblyanarocks3 @random-fluffy-pink-unicorn @hardcollectionworldtrash @igiveupicantthinkofausername @kaliforniacoastalteens @feelmyroarrrr @kaeling

Sebastian Stan Tag: @nedthegay @lostinspace33 @alwayshave-faith @elleatrixlestrange @buenostardissherlock @lenawiinchester @the-red-world-of-jess-chibi @memory-of-a-goldfish @mellsstark @crazybutconfidentaf

Old Flame Tag: @blackwidow-romanoff @seargantbcky

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the tears, Hayden begged you to stay one more night. It was already late and there were no flights anyway.

“Do me one last favor,” he had begged softly, still holding onto you. “Stay with me one more night, in the same bed.”

“Okay,” you agreed.

He smiled at you and lead you to the bedroom where you two got into the same routine, laid down, and the lights went out.

“So before you go, I’m curious,” Hayden said into the darkness as you both laid on your backs, staring at the ceiling.

“Hmm?” you hummed, content with this feeling. It felt like two best friends having a sleep over. No pressure, no expectations, nothing but friendliness went through the air right now.

“You said gin and tonic?” he said, bringing up the Halloween party from forever ago.

You laughed heartily, throwing your head back and covering your eyes. “Yeah, I changed my drink of choice. That’s what you’re curious about?”

“Well, yeah, clearly you’ve changed. So, why that drink?”

“It’s simpler,” you explained. “Two things, nice clean, crisp taste. Cosmos taste so different from place to place, it got irritating having them made so different. So I stuck with something universal.”

“Makes sense,” he mused.

“What about you? I noticed you’re eating mushrooms now,” you commented. “You used to hate them.”

“I did. Until Rachel made a few italian dishes with them in it, begged me to try it, and once I gave in, they tasted pretty good.”

“Traitor,” you teased and the two of you laughed.

“Okay, what about your favorite movie? Is it still Spiderman?” he asked.

A chuckle erupted from you, as you answered, “No. It’s Steel Magnolias.”

“Figures,” he mused and you could practically hear his eyes rolling.

You took a pillow and hit his stomach while chiding, “Oh, fuck you. It’s a great movie. It makes a lot more sense now that I’m grown up.”

He nearly doubled over with laughter from your maneuver and statement.

“Alright, alright, fair.”

“You? Is it still The Princess Bride?” you asked, jabbing him with your elbow a few times to tease him.

“You know what?” he asked, trying to egg you on. “It is. So there.”

You giggled. “I’m glad. Good to know not everything changed about you.”

“No,” he said in a more serious, low tone. “Not everything.”

The two of you continued to go back and forth on the different favorites you remembered from color, to bands, to food, to things that turned you on. It went on for a while, then segwayed into different memories you two shared. Some you remembered, some you didn’t, and it was fun to fill in the gaps where you didn’t. You asked each other different stupid questions like where you got ideas for your books, or how he felt acting in certain scenes in movies. You took every opportunity to tease him for Anakin Skywalker that you could, including repeating some of his famous lines or saying things in your best Darth Vader voice. But he took it all in jest, since he knew you were a huge fan of Star Wars, and you were madly in love with his character and always had been. His only response was typically a playful, “I’m gonna kill you.”

Eventually though, the dawn broke and you two were exhausted. He kissed your head and threw an arm over your torso one last time before the two of you drifted off to sleep.

----------------------

You woke up after noon, a little angry you’d messed up your sleeping schedule, but you felt better than you had in years, as if a weight had been lifted.

You showered, grabbed a change of clothes, and got ready for the rest of the day. You told Hayden, while he was cooking a mid-day meal, you were going to book a flight home.

“You could always stay longer, if you want. Just friends,” he promised. “I like having you here. It’s a big house and with no one around…”

You shrugged. “Yeah, I like being here. Despite what you think, I love the country, so long as I’m not too far away from food or a spa,” you assured with a wink.

“So are you gonna stay?” he wondered as he continued to cook, wiping his hands on a towel he’d thrown over his black long sleeved shirt.

You shook your head. “I’m gonna find one for tonight or tomorrow, if that’s okay? It’s not fair to keep Seb waiting and I honestly want to be with him.”

“You should,” he assured with a nod. “You’re right.”

You took care of your ticket and it said you’d fly out at 9:15 PM. The two of you ate, laughed, watched TV, and he helped you gather your things when it was time.

“Well, thank you for trying this. I’m glad we did this. It settled some of my own questions,” he stated.

“I’m glad. Me too. I’m glad we can put this behind us and be the friends we were meant to be,” you said with a smile and nod.

“Hey, let me take you to the airport, if you don’t mind,” he said sweetly.

“Sure, I’d love that.”

He pulled the car around and the two of you loaded up the bags and then jumped in yourselves. About five minutes into the ride, he grabbed your hand and held it. Neither of you said anything before or after it, just holding hands, savoring the last moments of “togetherness” you had. He parked in the garage and offered to take you to the terminal.

“Oh, no, you don’t have to do that,” you said. “I know you don’t want to be bothered by photographers or anything,” you offered, dismissing it.

“I’m happy to do it for you. If you don’t want to be seen with me though, I get it.”

You shook your head. “I just didn’t want you to go if it was going to bother you.”

“Not at all. Come on.”

He helped you get all of your bags in, checked, and then walked you to where you needed to be, where security started to get tighter.

“Well, I guess this where I leave you,” he said, eyeing the sign then looking down at you.

“Yeah,” you said in a small voice. You didn’t want to leave him, but you were much more ready to be home with Sebastian and end this whole debacle.

“Does he know you’re coming?” he asked.

“No, it’s sort of a surprise. I also didn’t want him to try and talk me into staying or anything,” you said honestly with a half shrug.

“I don’t blame you,” he said. “Well you should get going,” he encouraged.

“Yeah, I’ll call you when I land, okay?”

He nodded and the two of you seemed to have awkward air between you. Probably because he wasn’t sure if he should hug you, kiss you, kiss your cheek…

So you did it for him. You leaned up, and kissed him on the lips, one final goodbye. There was still a heat and a bit of desire when you kissed, but it didn’t make you feel the way you did with Sebastian. There was also a sense of finality, a sense of goodbye that brought a tear to your eye, but it didn’t fall. The kiss ended and you two pulled away from each other, one final, sorrowful, hopeful smile filling your faces as you let him go and made your way to the line for security.

----------------------

You unlocked the door, it was around midnight, it’d taken so long to get through the airport, get a taxi, then make it through all the traffic.

You were still fucking around with your bags when the lights came on the apartment around you. You looked up, startled at the sudden light, and saw Sebastian with a baseball bat raised, in nothing but boxers.

“Woah,” you gasped. “That upset I didn’t call first?” you asked with a dry humor.

His eyes went wide as he slowly dropped his weapon. “Y/N? You’re here? I thought you were a burglar.”

“Yep, with my own set of keys,” you said, showing him the keys before dropping them into the key bowl.

“What...What are you doing here? It’s not two weeks. It hasn’t even been one week,” he noticed, seemingly groggy.

You smiled to yourself. “I choose you,” you informed.

A grin spread on his face faster than the speed of light before he ran forward and whipped you into a hug and spun.

“Can’t...breathe,” you stated as he hugged you tighter.

“I don’t care,” he mused before letting you drop to your feet. “Why? How long have you known?”

He let you go and you moved to the kitchen to get a snack.

“I knew pretty much the instant I got to his house, but I wanted to give it a real try, for all of us. I stuck it out, wondering if my feelings would change, but they never did,” you informed as you grabbed potato chips. “The entire time I was there, I kept wanting to call you, talk to you, tell you about my day. I just...I love you, Sebastian. I’ve been in love with you. I just couldn’t do anything with him. Everything I did with Hayden, felt like being his best friend, and the entire time, I wished you were there next to me instead of him.”

He nodded slowly, letting the words sink in.

“I’ve been over him ever since he chose Rachel ten years ago,” you assured. “I just needed to...talk to him about it. I told him I was choosing you and we had a long talk about all the shit that transpired between us and we realized it’s all in the past.”

He continued to nod as he walked over to you, slowly. “So, you say you couldn't do anything with him?”

You shook your head. “I mean, we kissed on and off, but sex, no, never. I couldn’t even think about it with him. Full disclosure, we slept in the same bed, but the urge, for me, never arose.”

He let out a sigh of relief and grabbed you again into a hug. “I’m so glad to hear that.”

“I thought you’d be okay with it?” you questioned as he let you go.

“I mean, I was. I would’ve been if you had, but it’s also nice knowing that you couldn’t,” he stated.

You nodded. “Yeah, I get that. But...now, I’m here, if you’ll have me. No exes, no questions, no regrets. All yours.”

“Then you’re home baby!” he cheered as he picked you up and carried you to the bed, your legs wrapped around his waist.

#old flame new problems #sebastian stan fic #sebastian stan x reader #hayden christiansen fic #hayden christensen x reader #hayden christensen fic #hayden christensen #Sebastian Stan

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