ive been trying to take these as if they’re in good faith but like. im sorry if i get one (1) more ask about mr benedict wanting to boink miss perumal im going to mcfucking lose it

this might seem weird but uh could i get an annie leonhart x reader— where like should i put a spoiler on this? uh aot spoilers ig but like she won’t hurt reader kind of thing like she refuses and actually like protects her when in titan form, i dunno maybe that’s weird but just an idea

first aot request omg im so excited!!!! this contains season 1 spoilers only!!! thank you for requesting, and i hope you enjoy, my love <333

warnings; descriptions of blood and death. angst. so much angst. 

━ as the second red smoke signal fires into the air from your right, your heart sinks into your stomach. the feeling that’s settled deep in your bones isn’t unusual, considering the threat and danger the expedition poses in itself, but it’s incredibly unwelcome. you feel unsteady, a large contrast to the horse whose reigns you grip tight, white-knuckled. you inhale — the dirt gathering from the horses’ hooves, the scent of wet grass, and distant, faint smell of blood rest on the bridge of your noise — and you grasp the breath tightly within your lungs, counting down the seconds from ten, grounding yourself, and then you exhale. if you die on this battlefield today, then you can only hope your corpse is another setting stone towards the truth. 

your thoughts are interrupted when a thud silences your heartbeat for a split second too long, and then it repeats. it’s building up slow, and you recognize it — how could you not? — as easily as you would identify the sound of your fellow comrades’ footsteps. the thuds steadily increase in volume and speed, and it’s closer, too close, it’s right behind you, you’re going to die —

the sun disappears for a moment, shaded by the large figure of the titan that barricades through your formation, separating the five of you apart momentarily as you avoid being crushed beneath its feet, and forcing the tilt of your head back, then to the side, eyeing its figure. it’s large, larger than any titan you’d faced, let alone killed, obviously faster and much stronger, just by the quick observation of its physique, and it’s distinctly female. 

more importantly, however, it’s completely ignoring you. 

huh. an abnormal? 

the other members of your squad seem to have skimmed over that important detail, and instead of avoiding it, they convince themselves it’s their solitary duty to eliminate it. before you could react in any way, a hoarse cry of a warning — wait! it’s not... — completely ignored, three of them leap from their horses, odm gear attaching to the titan’s limbs, blades sharply prepared. 

it’s almost as if the titan is prepared for it. 

she grabs at the wires, tangling two of them together, before two of your companions land in her large fists, and she crushes them with ease. blood sprays across her body, staining her hands, and you watch with horrified eyes as whatever pieces are left of them falls to the ground. the other two soldiers, fueled by anger and frustration, charge at her with the same ferocity, any technique or plan abandoned, minds clouded with the remnants of their fellow comrades decaying frames. 

and just as easily, they fall victim to her. 

during the commotion, you’d landed off your horse, onto the soft grass beneath you. the horse neighs, despite your desperate attempts to calm it down and steady, and flees, leaving you deserted, with nothing but the corpses of your fellow soldiers and the one to blame for their demise. you’re not sure why you’re not filled to the brim with as much anger as them, why your blades aren’t in your fists, and you’re not charging at her as blindly and as cruelly as you can muster. maybe you’re in shock, maybe you’re drowning in guilt — if you’d been faster at warning them, four deaths would’ve been easily avoided, they would still be here, with you, but you’re all alone. alone, in unknown land. unknown, and very dangerous land. 

your thumps loudly in your chest, mirroring your erratic breathing. the sun is too bright, worsening the gradual warm up of your body. you feel bothered, suffocated and overwhelmed. it’s not supposed to be this way. how did it all happen so quick? what good of a soldier were you if you weren’t able to react quickly, quickly enough to save your people? 

the sun is hidden again. you feel cooler, the shade eliminating one threat towards your body. when something heavy rests on your head, you’re reminded awfully of the actual, real threat. your head lolls back, body trembling pathetically and eyes wide and watery. she’s kneeling by you, your head resting between her thumb and index finger, and you think to yourself that this is really how it ends, your head crushed between a massive titan’s fingers, gone as quickly as the blink of an eye. 

and then you look into her eyes, and your heart sinks for the millionth time that day. 

the days that pass by after are a blur, a shocking blur. your brain and body aren’t responding accurately to each other, their reactions off. the information that you’re fed is overwhelming, but you don’t process it properly enough for the effect to linger long enough. 

all you remember hearing is annie, annie, annie.

you want to scream. 

somehow, amidst it all, a plan is formulated, and on a sunny morning, much like the one a few days past, you find yourself within wall sina, specifically, the stohess district. you’re not entirely sure why you walk by the most essential people of the plan, ranging from eren to mikasa to armin, but it had been some theory armin had thought up, and having trained with him, you’ve learned better than to trust his judgement. and with the four of you, is annie. 

annie, what have you done?

annie, is this real?

annie, lie to me. please.

you’re staring up at her from the lowest steps of a staircase leading to a tunnel, and her eyes — her eyes look so familiar like this, bright and blue and shining and beautiful and familiar. 

annie, with her beautiful blue eyes. 

you distinctly hear yourself plead for her to follow you down — annie please, please come with me — and you barely recognize the falter in her movements as she registers your voice, as she meets your eyes. 

annie, with her strong hands, picking you up always. 

the world shifts. it explodes around you, and it falls apart. slowly, you feel yourself pick apart at the seams, drifting away from yourself as you watch her emerge from the suffocating cloud of smoke. you feel a tug at your arm, but you can’t, you can’t. you’re rooted in your place, watching as she swings her arms and knocks away the attackers as if they were mere nuisances. 

annie, with her stupid desire to always be alone. 

— i want to be with you, i want to love you, annie, let me love you, annie, please, let my love you —

you’re lifted, too gently. it feels the same way you’d imagined flying through the clouds would be, with your body a little too light, your head a little fuzzy, with the blue enveloping you a warm blanket. except the blue is not the sky, it’s her, her, her. 

she holds you in her palm, and you stand, your hand outstretching towards her. you have seconds; you can hear the time ticking by you, almost in a mocking manner, and when your hand rests upon her cheek, she blinks slowly, and her eyes read i’m sorry. 

annie, with her beautiful blue eyes. 

annie, with her heart too big. 

annie, who you loved till you couldn’t breathe no longer. 

this time, your heart doesn’t sink. it simply breaks. 

end note; so fitting that i start off writing for aot with an angst one shot 

soooo, as you know i wrote some bbrae fanfictions and, this one, especifically, called “all you had to do was stay” (yes, taylor swift’s song) was published in 2017 but i deleted after sometime because im little lazy and the history always seems easily in my mind.

anyway! i decided to rewrite this fanfiction and the first chapter is already posted on the brazilian website that i use (spirit fanfics), so why not put in here too?

please, remember that im brazilian and my english is a little broken - sorry for the mistakes you’ll find on the text.

well, thats it. im really nervous right now and insecure. i hope you like it and, maybe, i can post the fanfiction on ao3 or another website.

_______________

The protective dome around Raven was totally useless and, like her friends, she knew it.

She was there, standing in the middle of the contraption built by Cyborg, with all her vital signs being recorded on the computers that occupied a large part of the room, beeping together with the devices that showed her brain waves.

Everything had been perfectly assembled and positioned so that she had the best protection that anyone could have in the face of what was about to happen, but all those technological tools made her feel like a laboratory rat, studied in vain to discover that in the end the experience had gone wrong again.

She sighed loudly and propped her elbows on her knees, resting her face in one hand; she no longer cared about floating.

She felt physically and mentally drained to use her powers in something as unnecessary as floating, and she didn't need to be inches from the ground at that moment.

In fact, it was better to have contact with the earth, with the concrete floor. At least she would be sure that she was still alive, that the world was fine and whole.

Raven let out a loud snort and huffed impatiently, her eyes roaming the room until they found the door, waiting, miraculously, for one of the other Titans to enter. She had been inside that dome for hours and she couldn't take it anymore - loneliness was good when chosen willingly, not out of obligation.

To her despair, in addition to the blatant private prison that was happening there, the kidnapping, or anything else of that level, the situation made terrible flashbacks go through her head, making her remember Slade, the brand of Scath , the end of the world and, consequently, Trigon.

Why did everything have to be so similar? It seemed that karma was acting exactly the same as it had on her sixteenth birthday, creating a tedious and scary looping. She never considered herself a fan of automatic repetitions anyway.

Unconsciously, she took her left hand into the pocket of her midnight blue cloak in hopes of finding a specific object inside it, but this time, she had no lucky coin to cling to and consider as an amulet. She was alone, forgotten, practically left to die, just as she should have been two years ago, on the fateful day when Trigon’s Prophecy almost came true.

The empath, a “witch” as many called her, allowed herself to laugh with mockery. She hated feeling sorry for her own tragic life, but she couldn't escape the pitiful thoughts she was having. She probably didn't think differently from what her friends had in mind - she was just a poor girl, victim of circumstances, who was not to blame for being the fruit of the forbidden, unhealthy relationship between a human and an interdimensional demon. She was not to blame for being “Daddy's darling”, the one chosen to bring him to Earth for the second time, since she was a poorly raised daughter and prevented him the first time.

Now, at eighteen, she wouldn't be as lucky as she was at sixteen.

"Azarath Metrion Zinthos… Azarath Metrion Zinthos…”, she closed her eyes and started to meditate, with nothing else to do. “Azarath Metrion Zinthos…”

“Raven!"

She opened her eyes with a start, facing Beast Boy. Awkwardly, he spread his hands on the thick glass of the dome, breathing heavily.

“Great.", She thought. “Of all the people that Robin could send, he chose the most restless."

" What are you doing here?", she asked.

“Dude, isn't it obvious? We’re doing it wrong! ”, Beast Boy waved his hands compulsively. “I mean, it's your father! There is no one better to stop him than you!”

“If I leave here it will be easier to get to Earth."

“I really don't want to be pessimistic, but he's already here, mama."

“Beast Boy..."

“It worked last time, didn't it? What good will it do you to be stuck in that dome? The world will end anyway!”

“Weren't you the one who was upbeat until two seconds ago?"

“I still am!"

“Does Robin know you're here?"

“…yes."

“I don’t believe that."

“Of course I told him,", the shapeshifter scratched the back of his head, causing his newly acquired muscles to start filling his uniform to appear. “I just don't know if he paid attention.”, He gave a nervous smile.

“It doesn't count as a warning."

“Have you never been told that what counts is the intention?"

Raven rolled her eyes and uncrossed her legs, standing up. She walked over to where Beast Boy was, touching the dome with her fingertips. He smiled broadly, running to the nearest computer and typing in the code that would free her.

When the dome barriers disappeared, Raven adjusted the hood on her head, thinking about the possibilities that surrounded her. Beast Boy was right, after all. Trigon was already on Earth, like the first time, and she would not be of much help if she were trapped, safe and sound, while her friends killed themselves to save the world.

“I knew you'd be up for it!" He celebrated, approaching her.

“It wasn't your worst idea."

“I'm smart, you underestimate me too much."

“I must have my reasons for that, right?

“Taking into account my discussions about tofu being the best food in the world can’t be considered as a reason.”

“No?”

“We all have our childish moments.”

“And you have your adult moments.”, she said.

“Nothing for having released you, I’m at your service.

“Where are they?”

“Downtown.”

“Excellent.”

“Raven”, Beast Boy called her when she started to leave. “Are you ready to go?”

“You don’t?”

“It's just… You have nothing to bring you luck.”

“I don't believe in luck.”, she lied, ignoring the thought that she had been wishing for a lucky charm a few minutes ago.

“Why not?”

“I make my own luck.”

“But it's always good to have help, isn't it?”

“Come on, Beast Boy.”

He shook his head negatively and approached her, holding her arm firmly and preventing her from getting away. The difference in height between them remained almost nil, with Raven looking a little taller from a distance because of the hood.

She frowned and looked at him without understanding, trying to pull her arm out of his grip, uncomfortable with the position they were in.

“It's just…”, Beast Boy started to speak. “I shouldn't be here and I know it. You are always so focused and correct that you even embarrass me for acting that way, but, last time, you had the coin I gave you and we won.

“I don’t know where it is.”, Raven lied, lowering her head to hide the blush on her cheeks. Some of her emotions were manifested in Nevermore, reminding her of the small passion she held for him. Passion, that, that she was sure that she would never be reciprocated. He was not a philanderer, he had never dated anyone after Terra, but he was not unaware of love affairs like her. She had a little more experience, even though she was also small. “We can't keep others waiting.”

“I can't let you go without an amulet.”

“There is no such thing as luck, Beast Boy! How many times have I told you that we need to run after what we want?”

“Many.”

“And none of them fixed on your brain?”

“Apparently no.”

“I should have imagined.”

“Why can't you give me a credit?”

“You are acting like a child who believes in Santa Claus.”

“And you're being cruel to me.”, he complained. “I thought you stopped that a while ago.”

“I stopped. Are we going to battle or not?”, Raven asked impatiently. “The world is about to end!”

“I know!”

“Then let me go!”

“I can't let you leave here without an amulet!”

“So give me this shit!”

Raven's words echoed around the room, and Beast Boy smirked, as if he had been waiting for this ever since they started arguing.

Such nonsense fights and quick discussions were not new to them, who were used to being awkward a few times a day, always for stupid reasons. However, that time, the shapeshifter had a purpose and, knowing that Raven would play the game, he put his idea into practice, which ended up working very well, thank you.

Raven shook her head and shrugged, silently asking if he wouldn't give her anything. She was waiting for a frog charm or other coin, but all she received was a warm kiss on the mouth, which made her blow up the nearest computer monitor.

The touch of Beast Boy's lips on his made her close her eyes instantly, her body and mind embracing the fact that she wanted that kiss - she had even been waiting for him for a long time, having fantasized the moment several times in the stillness of his. room.

On the other hand, Beast Boy didn't explode at all, but he felt his whole body vibrating. Her cheeks were as flushed as Raven’s, and it had taken him a long time to have the courage to kiss her.

The kiss could not be considered "worthy of a movie" because the two were too tense to give themselves up completely. They did not know where to put their hands and neither should they do it; A light in their heads blinked incessantly, reminding them that the world was ending while they were kissing, and billions of people were at risk.

It could be considered an ordinary kiss, but for Raven and Beast Boy, it meant much more than that.

They separate after a few seconds, unable to exchange a direct look. Beast Boy cleared his throat and Raven clung more tightly to her cloak, almost disappearing inside it.

“Raven”, Beast Boy smiled, making her look him in the eye quickly. Without breaking eye contact, he simply stuck a five-cent coin in her hand. Like old times. “Good luck.”

—————————————-

ok, i had no idea that the text would lose the diagramming!!! i wrote this on my iphone notes, sorryyyy

high above | jj maybank

summary: jj maybank praying to someone higher than him, hoping to receive a sign about a girl he likes

warnings: mentions of religion, kinda fluffy and kinda fucking sad too might i add

inspo: i kinda just got this idea of jj believing in someone higher than him but from the influence from his absent mother, this also being a way he connects to her every so often. i also apologise, i'm not at all religious and i also didn't want to say a specific religion so i tried to generalise it for everyone. if anyone has a problem with this pls let me know!! i don't want to offend anyone

wc: 850

Many people wouldn't think that JJ Maybank would be one to believe in something bigger than him, let alone something religious. It was never something he ever shared with anyone except his mother, it was the only thing he had that he felt closer to her.

His mother would always say a little prayer for jj when he was younger, it would ease her anxiousness about him getting into fights or in hopes that her abusive husband, jj’s father wouldn't hurt either of them. But we all know how that turned out. 

JJ was currently situated on the hammock outside the chateau, it was deep into the night, stars shining and a cold brisk wind was in the air. Many things had been running around in his head that he felt like his brain was going to explode, he never liked talking to the other pogues about it because he knew that they wouldn't understand. So his best other option was to do what his mother always suggested, talk to the man that would keep his secrets safe and help him ease his mind. 

“Hey, eh well…uhm... it's me again”, He lent over the side of the hammock so he was in sitting position and put his hands together in the formation that he thought would be best. 

“We haven't spoken in awhile. Well it's probably been more than awhile, i think the last time is when mom left…. I hope she's doing alright… I uh… I haven't really spoken to her after she left.” JJ’s jaw slightly locked and his eyes started to water, he hadn't talked about his mother for what seemed like a lifetime.

“Well i just wanted to talk about some things… about a girl” he hands started to sweat and get clammy, something that would happen when he was nervous. 

“Uhh.. this is so stupid” he paused and muttered to himself, his head falling down but his hands still staying in place. He kept quiet collecting his thoughts and deciding if he really wanted to put this out into the universe. He swallowed hard and closed his eyes before straightening his head back up again so he could focus. 

“I hate asking for favours from others… but I really need some help here… i know i haven't been on my best behavior lately and mom wouldn't be too happy… but, I uh” he let out a shaky laugh.

Was he really going to say this?

“Well there's this uh… girl I like” he swallowed again. 

“Like i really like this one and… and i know mom would have liked her too” he licked his lips and let out a small sigh. 

“You probably already know that aye? I mean like you see everyone shit… wait sorry mom always said i can't curse when i talk to you” he paused and bit his lip, thinking about the many times he dropped a few words and his mom said that he would get nothing in return. He loosened the grip of his hands and played with the ring on his finger before putting his hands back together.

“Anyway.. . well i just really like her, but i think i'm going to mess it all up. I just can't afford to lose her, she's different, you know, she's not like the other girls.”

His gaze looked up to over the water and the boat doc that was in front of the chateau. The water was moving in a calm motion, this always made him feel at peace. He signed and shook his head bringing back his focus on what he was doing. 

“I just really never know what to say to her because i don't want to mess my chances up, she's the closest thing i have had to peace and someone im willing to share my emotions with… but im just scared im going to end up pushing her away” he sighed. 

“We have had a few arguments over stupid things… I hate arguing with her even if it's over something small.” They were now running through his mind, like one time when they were on the boat and he looked at Kiara’s ass for a bit too long and she got upset. 

“But I guess that's just how she is… and I don't mind it. I honestly think it's cute when she gets a bit jealous.” he laughed at the thought of that

“I just felt like i needed to get this off my chest… none of the other guys would really understand… Mom always said to talk to you when there was a lot going on. That's what she did.” He ran his hands through his hair and then put his hands back together. 

“I think i'm done now, sorry if i bothered you. His gaze went up again. His brows narrowed in confusion,  “ehm...Amen? I think...”

Just as he was about to get up he thought of something else he wanted to add. “Oh… and uhm… can you please get Rafe Camerons bike to break or somethin. Thanks.”

Homesquared Chapter 16

Alrighty, that was a fun tangent, now back to John it seems?

Oh, no, Narration of John (So Actually Dirk, speak of the devil and he shall appear and all that etc etc)

“ leaving John with one final touch on the shoulder. John leans into it in response, though he’s a bit ashamed of chasing down a sliver of physical affection so soon after obliterating Karkat’s evening like he had. “

pfft lol so Im not the only one that thought it would be funny if that scene was interpreted in a Pale Romantic light, even though that really wasn’t what was happening

OIh! but we still get Roxy, just the other version of Roxy

Roxy subtly being like “hey!! shit has apparently gone down, were not exactly close atm but I feel bad about you dying to want to know if youre still alive so im gonna message you while trying to make it look like i dont care about it as much as I do”

JOHN: trying to align my memories of my youth with whatever is happening right now so

and the wonderful question is, what IS going be happening with you now John?

Roxy looking nice and casual, but also yeah narration, why are you making this ominous, its not like Roxy’s out here to double spy on behalf of Jane, I don’t think Roxys on her side THAT much

ROXY: may have to do a smidge more if my old bff decides im next on the list for bombing out

ROXY: but so far so good

ROXY: just a coupla exploded cars in the yard from some shenanigans our dear son and his friends were in but u kno it is what it is!!!

Roxy once again being a master of hiding how shes feeling, even when trying to open up, feeling pretty stressed about whats happening with Jane, understandable, the exclamation points give it away lol

The narration is really trying to make John nervous though

OH lol that was the implication haha no lol John it obviously wasn’t that

“John feels his shoulders unbunch. Of course. Yeah. He’s almost embarrassed by how relieved he feels. So what if his ex wife wanted to hook up? Shouldn’t that be a situation he could navigate? Don’t people like to find solace in human physical connection during dire times? Why did the idea of it make his mind white out in panic more than, say, any number of the traumas he just experienced? He doesn’t know, but he believes Roxy that he must look pretty haggard. He probably feels haggard? Maybe sitting down will feel better.“

lol once again, Dirk has no idea how to read Roxy at all and just trips over himself and his assumptions XD

Yeah, looks like Roxy not on the Jane train and is doing some takesies backsies, shes glossing over her feelings on the matter still though, I know thats par for the course of how Roxy tends to handle stuff too but I wish shed open up a bit more, but maybe shes playing the smart game, yknow, knowing that Dirk has a hard time reading her, so glossing over stuff is how you protect yourself against the narrative force, confusion and vaguery in the narrative and her actions only helps her to keep control over it, because at any point, you can decide to “clear up” any narrative “miscommunication” or “confusion” and lay down what is it thats actually happening with you any time you want

Void working in the behind the scenes to do what they want

JOHN: like it’s my HOUSE.

JOHN: but mostly it always felt like my dad’s house?

JOHN: and when i started living there after i moved out of here, it was like i crammed myself back into whatever was left of my kid self?

JOHN: and it didn’t feel good, but it at least was familiar, you know?

JOHN: like living there let me feel closer to my dad, trying to be like the way i remember him, or like how i remember him wanting me to be, or something?

JOHN: and i didn’t realize how much i hated doing that until i saw it all go up in flames.

JOHN: so i guess i could have used my powers to stop the fire and save whatever was left of the place, but i couldn’t bring myself to do it.

JOHN: like some fucked up part of me was glad i got there too late?

JOHN: so i just sat there, watching, trying to figure out why watching my house burn down felt like i was being released from prison.

JOHN: and even now i keep trying to explain it away, as though it’s because of how fucked up everything else is that it made me feel good.

JOHN: but that’s just bullshit.

JOHN: it DID feel good.

JOHN: i DO feel free.

JOHN: sorry.

ROXY: no need 2 apologize

ROXY: we just delved in2 my whole gender thing last time so it seems fine for u to have a turn

JOHN: i didn’t say it was a gender thing.

Im pretty sure you’re talking about a gender thing John, like, very 100% sure now this is what’s happening

because if you were actually a girl, of course you’re dad leaving all these notes about how one day hes gonna be so proud of the man youll become, yeah, that can feel a little pressuring, even if your dad didnt mean it like that, since he was unfailingly the kind of dad just bumbling around trying to understand their kid as best they could and leave encouragements everywhere, thats what his intent was, but all his notes come off a bit wrong in particular issues

remember the note under the fridge that was all like “SON. IF YOURE READING THIS NOTE, YOUVE FINALLY BECOME STRONG ENOUGH OF A MAN TO PICK UP THE FRIDGE.” not exactly that but that was always the vibe Dad’s little notes always had

Yeah, i can see how John would view it as a bit off, but if he hadnt the self awareness to realize it was a gender thing at the time, hed be understandly confused as to why such a thing would bother him

now though, he’s realizing, maybe, he doesn’t exactly want to be the man his dad always encouraged him to be

John does seem a lot happier here in his convo with Roxy than he did on his own when the house was burning, that conversation with karkat left me wondering if John was about to start dissociating he was so down, but here he says he feels freeing and happy about it?

ROXY: but like now that u mention it

ROXY: *meaningful pause*

JOHN: …

JOHN: i

JOHN:

John’s beginning to question stuff, or acknowledge that he’s questioning stuff, cuz it’s true, and hes feeling happy about it, in a way that he wasnt before, but he hasnt quite connected the dots here between the happy feeling and what exactly he has to be happy about

ROXY: aight then no wind bending just use your mangrit

Roxy flexes, the corner of her mouth pulled up into a familiar grin. John feels his guts, so recently calmed, twist up into knots again. Her eyebrows shoot up and the smile loosens. He must have shown something on his face.

ROXY: ok or just like push when i push

ROXY: we both got sick muscles

ROXY: no other adjectives necessary

JOHN: yeah ok.

Yeah Roxy’s 100% picked up on it, and maybe Dirk has as well if the narration is commenting on it

Alrighty then, to the secret lair under the bed!

oh I just noticed how kind of cute and interesting Roxy’s nickname for Harry is, “Lil H A” Harry Anderson shortens to Ha like laughter haha

and if Harry had Roxy’s last name, it’d be Harry Anderson Lalonde

Lil HAL

lol what is Callie doing under Roxy’s secret bedchamber XD

This whole secret bedchamber thing is turning into one big metaphor isn’t it?

That thing behind the curtain kind of looks like the Attic Portal shape from Hiveswap though

that’d be neat if that was it, like obviously we knew one of the cherubs had to have something to do with that portal just going by the design of it alone

Honestly it makes sense that Callie is doing it under the curtain of Roxy’s Void, it’s honestly the safest place to do something like that

lol Calliope has grown past writing fanfic about shipping and being in love, now the drama of broken relationships and divorce is all the rage XD character growth? haha

CALLIOPE: besides, hUman divorces are even more fascinating than i had ever imagined, and being able to witness yoUrs in motion was an honoUr.

CALLIOPE: so i consider Us aboUt even at this point.

Calliope just burned him harder than his childhood home’s destruction

CALLIOPE: ah right, right. yoU're probably a little cUrioUs as to where the dickens we are.

have you been talking to Jake lol (I mean, probably Original Grandpa Jake tbh if that portal is actually the portal)

Alright so John is getting caught up on the major plot points, Earth C is indeed in the large black hole, his choice didn’t matter since both choices happened anyway yadda yadda

CALLIOPE: think of it like a coin flip.

CALLIOPE: the series of events that led to Us being trapped beyond the event horizon of an Ubermassive black hole could be considered "tails", while the events which would have occUrred otherwise could be considered "heads".

CALLIOPE: since both were possible, and paradox space is the way it is, they actUally both happened. and we jUst "happened" (hee hee) to get tails instead of heads.

yup yup yup pretty par for the course of timesplits in homestuck so far

CALLIOPE: not at all! since both possibilities depend on one another's existence, it really doesn't make sense to call them "right" or "wrong". they both just "are".

yup, this is true, the ending’s of both referenced the others, so it’s disingenuous to say one is “canon” while the other isn’t

one is simply in the realm of actual possibility, the other is in the realm of unlikely possibility

More than likely, John would have chosen to leave and go die and be the hero like in Meat, but there was still the possibility that he would stay, even if it was unlikelier than the other, but since both were possible choices for him to realistically make, both actually happened for real

CALLIOPE: anyway, the reason i went on this tangent in the first place was to explain that the space we are standing in right now has a special significance, in that it is the location which corresponds to the black hole's singUlarity

that’s interesting, so there’s the original meteor that crashed into the surface of Earth C, and it’s in here that the singularity of what I don’t wanna call the Green Hole to match the Green Sun when I wanna talk about this specific Black Hole lolol

but yeah, here in this meteor lies the crux of the paradox it seems, interesting, also interesting again, this is where that Hiveswap Portal is

Hiveswap does have a plot point of “Joey must do thing in 11 days otherwise Earth and Alternia will be destroyed” and the only known destruction event of Earth and Alternia so far in canon is the Green Sun’s Creation from the destruction of both universes (and then later Callie’s destruction of the green sun into the black hole) so is Hiveswap gonna be a factor in the green sun’s destruction/creation as well? (Joey has the symbol of the Green Sun for a reason, I’m super curious as to what factor Joey has in relation to the Green Sun’s Existence, We still don’t know what the fact those black monsters are too, they’re like nega-first guardians, the kind of things that look like would come out of a Black Hole that came from the Green Sun tbh)

It’s all inter-related I tells ya

ROXY: ur not gonna enter a weird time vortex and change the trajectory of a little girls life with the power of love

JOHN: aw.

You say that now but

CALLIOPE: it's not strictly speaking "bad" for Us to be inside of a black hole, mUch thoUgh that contradicts most of what anyone knows about them.

CALLIOPE: of coUrse, if we had fallen into it, that woUld be a whole other kettle of fish.

CALLIOPE: the tidal forces woUld have stretched Us all into spaghetti and then ripped us apart!

CALLIOPE: bUt the natUre of oUr arrival was more akin to simply "being" here, sUddenly. one moment we were not, and the next moment we were, and somehow always had been.

yeah that’s basically how this multiverse’s reality works, the future is a thing that already physically exists, just in a different location in the universe somewhere else

time travel and spacial teleportation could be said to be the same thing all along

that’s why violating the events of the future has actual consequences, because its like asking to go somewhere that doesn’t exist but how has to exist because it’s the future, too much of that and reality starts cracking at the seams to make room

same thing happens with sessions and playing sburb

the planets and dreaming moons and all that simultaneously have always existed here, and started existing only because the player played the game and the planets were generated upon entering a session, but to the player involved, it looks and feels like you are just being teleported to a different location in the universe, because you also kind of are

CALLIOPE: i mean, the natUre of space and time is a little finicky in here, bUt for the most part it doesn't seem to be anything too oUt of the ordinary.

CALLIOPE: bUt beyond that, it means that we are sealed away from the rest of existence.

CALLIOPE: oUr sphere of inflUence is limited to the sphere of the black hole's bounding horizon.

CALLIOPE: as far as everyone else is concerned, we might as well not even exist!

So you’re just in a little seperated bubble, that’s not connect temporally to any other place of existence, you aren’t anywhere in the past or the future of anywhere else

nowhere leads here, and here can not lead outwards either, theoretically, and yes it exists, so it must also

JOHN: is there no way we could let anyone know that we're in here...?

CALLIOPE: almost certainly not!

CALLIOPE: there are very few ways for anything to escape the kind of predicament that we are in right now. one of them is to be an all-powerfUl being with control over the very fabric of space, with the energy of two Universes at yoUr disposal.

CALLIOPE: in which case, escape woUld become rather trivial, if a little Unscientific.

JOHN: ok. i am going to assume that we can't just do that.

CALLIOPE: yoU've hit the nail on the head, UnfortUnately. U_U

CALLIOPE: the method i described was the one employed by my alternate self, who yoU may recall crashed through the event horizon in the body that once belonged to jade harley.

CALLIOPE: she departed through a pUnctUre she created in the black hole's surface shortly after consUming my brother, a deed which provided her with the necessary "oomph", and which was frankly rather breathtaking to watch. =u=

CALLIOPE: bUt Upon her departUre, the rift closed for good. as far as i can see, there's simply no way for Us to commUnicate with the world oUtside the black hole.

CALLIOPE: i woUld certainly be very sUrprised to find oUt that anyone had managed sUch a thing!

So someone else definitely has managed to do such a thing

JOHN: knowing that we're inside of a black hole... does that actually change anything?

JOHN: like, can't we just go on living like normal?

CALLIOPE: oh absolUtely not.

CALLIOPE: i don't know if yoU've noticed john bUt this world is on the brink of a total cataclysm.

JOHN: oh.

CALLIOPE: oUr exclUsion from the overarching coUrse of events which governs all reality means that oUr existence here is liable to dramatic and violent Upheaval.

CALLIOPE: to pUt it another way, becaUse nothing in here "matters", we are likely to be sUbjected to things which are a bit bats in the belfry, for no reason other than it's totally insignificant to the wider canon of reality.

CALLIOPE: and mUch thoUgh i am personally titillated by some of the conseqUences of this predicament, it is a degrading way for Us to live. u_u

JOHN: that's... certainly one way to put it, yeah...

yeah, so because here in the black hole neither affects the past or the future of anywhere else, being so disconnected, they are technically free of the reigns of the Alpha Timeline that exists elsewhere in the multiverse

the Alpha Timeline now being understood to simply mean, The Narrative

Things are the way they are because they are thus written to be so

CALLIOPE: at first, i believed that this was simply necessary. Us playing tails to oUr coUnterparts' heads, the black to their white, and so forth.

CALLIOPE: bUt over the years i have come to the conclUsion that this is simply not kosher.

ROXY: its total bs is what it is

CALLIOPE: right, yes.

CALLIOPE: a steaming pile of bUllshite.

CALLIOPE: and so we have decided that something needs to be done aboUt it.

Hmmm. It’s a dangerous idea to be playing with for sure, to decide all the black pieces in the game of chess suddenly become white, it is a very flip turning of reality upside down to be sure

To be honest, I’d think you’d need a powerful Doom player at your disposal to even try something like this

or actually, a powerful Doom user would be most likely to shut this entire thing down, knowing how bad of an idea it’d be, maybe it’s more you need a powerful Life player to do something like this instead

is that also why Dirk viewed Jane as an ally then? She would technically have the kind of power to upend the black and white doomy laws of reality if driven to her full potential, i mean obviously yes, we know this already because of the candy colored I-can-do-whatever-I-want-with-no-consequences lollipop

Is this what Calliope hopes to achieve with the Hiveswap Portal then? her goals for Joey and friends are to be the ones to prevent their universe’s twin destructions, and thus the Green Sun’s initial existence and then also the destruction into the Black Hole after the fact? that would be one way to prevent the Black Hole from existing, making it so the thing that creates the black hole never exists either

and that's certainly a canon event that would be difficult to tear asunder without major consequences

That would be a “Re-writing Homestuck from the very beginning” level of canon event

And if I’m correct, Joey is theorized by me to be a Mage of Life, if any classpect at their full potential was gonna do something like that, or have the impossible knowledge to something impossibly paradoxical like that, well..

ROXY: but u dont need to worry abt busting us outta space jail tbh

ROXY: thats not ur problem to fix

JOHN: oh.

JOHN: i'm... not sure i follow, then.

ROXY: i mean yeah ur gonna obvs facilitate it in a sense

ROXY: but only by going and busting the person who can actually help us outta normal earth jail

CALLIOPE: we need yoU to free vriska from the clUtches of oUr misgUided friend jane, and bring her here, to the singUlarity.

ROXY: weve been calling it the plot point

CALLIOPE: yes, the plot point is a key part of oUr plan.

CALLIOPE: as far as we have been able to sUrmise, the only remaining method for escaping oUr grim confinement depends on leveraging the UniqUe properties of this location to create an event of sUch catalcysmic proportions that it simply cannot be contained within the black hole any more.

CALLIOPE: something SO dramatic, so hyper-relevant, that it becomes ontologically impossible for anyone to ignore it.

CALLIOPE: for that, we need an individUal of sUfficient narrative cloUt, so to speak.

CALLIOPE: and to liberate her, who better than the embodiment of the aspect of freedom itself?

I mean yeah! makes sense! Johns major factor here is Freedom, Vriska’s is Importance

and yeah, I can think of no other wholly dramatic event that to mess with stuff with the Green Sun, everyone will have eyes on that, they have to, their whole existence the way it is relies on it

But, they could also mean something else, its only condition is that it has to be something so imflappably impossible, something so not-canon and so outrageous that it basically horse-shoes around to the other end of the canon spectrum to being something that truly exists again

and that could be literally anything and it’s nerve wracking and exciting to see what thing theyre gonna come up with to just directly kneecap Homestuck itself

ROXY: thx babe

ROXY: oh is it 2 soon for that joke or

JOHN: no, weirdly enough, that one’s fine.

(yeah that’s because Babe can be construed as feminine June)

so, I’m basically convinced they’re doing June Egbert now

that to me was like, pretty severely on the nose

John: Hey Roxy, what it does mean when you find a sense of freedom when all of the symbolism of the masculinity surrounding your childhood burns down around you

Roxy: idk It’s probably a gender thing man

John: I didn’t say the word gender-

Roxy: It’s ok babe no pressure, we can hash it out later

John: Hmm, later then. :)

Roxy: (Turns and looks towards the camera with a knowing smile)

shit all that imagery makes me think of Roxy as that picture of the small kid smirking at the camera while a house burns in the distance XD

Could I request a super shy reader asking out Bakugou ? Scenario or hcs ! Whichever you like ! She’s like super nervous and just ends up going on a rant on why she likes him and asks him out and he just blushes and says yes . I hope that’s not too specific or something >.

y’all be giving me too much freedom, like tell me to choose one format over another and you will end up getting both because that’s just the type of clown that i am! also, i’ll kinda be loosely basing this on me because i’m pretty shy myself, but i’ll keep it as general as possible! also pls my friend, i have none so feel free to privately message me or we can chat through asks i don’t mind 😌 also, i think i went a little overboard with the “scenario” but i’m not all that sorry bc i love my feral bby but also the scenario is kinda booty so sorry about that

(ps this is literally bakugou as you confess/rant to him)

out of the billions of people you could’ve had a crush on, your heart probably chose the worst person

bakugou katsuki, a very angry gremlin if you please

and i’m not saying that bakugou is ugly or anything

it’s the complete opposite actually, hence why you have a crush on him

bakugou’s physical appearance is far from ugly, he’s hands-down one of prettiest boys in your class

that being said, his personality can be considered an acquired taste

as kaminari once said his personality is comparable to “flaming hot garbage”

but that didn’t stop you from liking blasty boy

your friends know about your crush bc it’s just obvious to them and pretty much everyone else (except bakugou)

you’re always asked “what is there to like about bakugou?”

well, what isn’t there to like?

his ash-blonde hair always looks so soft, you just want to run your fingers through it

his eyes are just so beautiful and you want nothing more than to stare into those ruby orbs for hours and hours

his physique is just so amazing and let’s not get you started on how bad you want his muscular arms to wrap around you

and his thighs? phew, please! is it getting hot in here or what?

answer: it is getting hot and by that i mean your face has lit up all shades of red

confessing to crushes is usually hard regardless of how confident a person is but it’s even harder for you because you’re the shyest person in class a

you’re so shy that you’re just known for your blushy cheeks which turn even redder when you’re in the presence of lord explosion murder

you probably even struggle to get a full sentence in when you’re “talking” to him

you guys know how izuku stutters right? well you’re worse than that

you just have the FATTEST crush on this blonde douchebag

so what do your friends do about this crush?

they do what all friends do for their introverted friends with a huge crush on a huge ass extrovert

put you on the spot

*insert your shy ass mentally screeching*

to be fair, you’ve been crushing on bakugou since like the beginning of the school year

something has to happen before your entire class just decides to scream at bakugou about your very clear crush on him

for the sake of a chaotic confession, i’m gonna say that you’re apart of the bakusquad with mina being your best friend

and mina being mina, she’s SICK of your shit and wants you to tell katsuki how you feel

so what does she do?

she shoves you into the janitor’s closet with bakugou

will not let you out until you spill everything

“hey! raccoon eyes! you better let us out before i fucking explode your ass!” bakugou growled as he pounded on the metal door, obviously he was caught off guard. he was just walking back to class with you and your guys’ friends before mina’s crazy-ass pulled you back and shoved you into a small room.

“not until y/n fesses up!” mina shouted back, pulling on the door handle with all her might. she’s doing this for you, it’ll only help you and bakugou, it’s a mantra mina keeps going over in her head. hopefully, a mantra that will prevent her from being killed by the furious blonde.

“what the hell do you mean fesses up?” the blonde bellows out, still pounding at the door.

as they’re screaming and cursing at each other, you have your face hidden away in the sleeves of your school jacket. your face is the reddest it’s ever been and your mind has never spilled this many thoughts until now. your brain is so overwhelmed that there is practically no filter between your brain and your mouth so at this point you’re babbling on endlessly.

it’s not very loud, probably only loud enough for it to be heard in the small room you’re currently in, but that’s where the problem lies.you’re babbling on and on about your huge crush while he is in the same cramped up room as you are. to make matters worse, you guys are completely alone.

“what do i do now? i’m completely alone with the hottest guy in not just the class but probably even school. is mina really not gonna let us out until i tell him i like him? i mean she can’t keep us in here for too long, right? of course not! class is bound to start soon and she has to go to class. plus she has to let us out before mr. aizawa comes to look for us or something. then again, me confessing can’t go that bad. i mean what’s the worst that can happen? well, if i do end up confessing, then there’s a high chance that bakugou might not even like me back and then everything will be super awkward. he prob-”

you probably would’ve continued to rant on if it weren’t for bakugou’s rough voice pulling you out of your verbal thoughts, “what the hell are you going on about?”

you snapped your head up in the direction of your voice, “huh?”

“you heard me, rosy-cheeks. what are you going on about?” he questioned with a quirked eyebrow.

“r-r-rosy-cheeks?” the new nickname just made even more blood rush onto your already blushed cheeks.

bakugou rolled his eyes a bit, “yes, rosy-cheeks. your cheeks are always red so it suits you.”

“oh! uh, thanks i guess?” you tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear, not knowing how to respond to the slight compliment you received from your crush.

a quiet snicker could be heard from the opposite side of the door and that ended up provoking bakugou’s short temper.

“fucking let us out, you used tampon!” he began to yell again. (i couldn’t think of any other nicknames)

“i said i wasn’t letting you out until ms. rosy-cheeks confesses!” mina retorts, matching the level of intensity of katsuki’s voice.

“huh? and what should she be confessing?”

“i don’t know, bakugou, maybe you should ask her instead!” now it was bakugou’s turn to snap his head towards you.

“spill, y/l/n.” he said, his voice much softer than it was a few seconds ago.

“w-what?” you stuttered.

“the faster you tell me whatever mina wants you to tell me, the faster we can get out of here,” he grumbled as you began twiddling with your fingers.

“i-i can’t.”

bakugou sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “what do you mean you can’t?”

“i just can’t, bakugou.” you whimpered quietly.

“y/n, class is going to start again in less than ten minutes and i don’t know about you, but i don’t want to be held up after class by aizawa.”

“i’d rather be held up later than tell you,” you wrapped your arms around yourself, fearing that you’d make him upset.

“goddamnit, y/n! just tell me! it can’t be that hard!” he raises his voice and ultimately, this causes something in you to snap.

“okay, okay! i like you, okay? i’ve liked you for so long that it’s actually embarrassing. it’s just that you’re so cute and something about you just has my heart beating out of my chest. i always feel short of breath and lightheaded when i’m around you and i can’t do anything about it. you’re also so so smart and im actually jealous.” you drew in a quick breath before continuing.

“sure, you might not have the best personality ever according to others but i still find your ‘garbage-like’ personality drawing me into you. do you know how many times people come up to me asking why the hell i like you? it’s quite a shocker for them to hear that i basically like everything about you.”

“i like your spiky blonde hair that is probably super soft. i like your eyes that are the most beautiful shade of red and i always find myself lost in them whenever i look into them for even the briefest moments. i like how passionate you are about your goals and i like how you give your all to reach them. you’re just so amazing and i always find myself wanting to confess to you, hoping that you might feel the same way. i would just absolutely love to call you my boyfriend, you know?”

you finally concluded your rant after what felt like an eternity and for some reason, you forgot about the situation at hand. once you realized that you actually said everything out loud, you felt your entire body heat up. this has to be a dream. or maybe someone used their quirk and caused you to say all of that. not missing a single beat, you glanced up at bakugou, only to find him the same position as you. cheeks and even ears, a bright red that could easily rival midoriya’s sneakers.

“i-i-i, uhh…”

“tch,” bakugou interrupted what could’ve started another rant. “you could’ve just said so earlier.”

“what?” you stared at him with a gaped expression as his cheeks heated up even more,

“i’m just saying, you would’ve said this earlier…then maybe i would’ve been your boyfriend already,” bakugou mumbled as one of his sweaty palms, cradled the back of his neck.

“a-are you serious?”

“do i look like a liar to you, rosy-cheeks?”

“well, uh, no?”

“damn right. now let’s get to class, i’m pretty sure raccoon eyes heard the entirety of your rant and if she reacted anything like me, then she should be satisfied.”

you were still too shocked to properly digest what just happened that you for some reason didn’t feel bakugou take your hand to lead you out of the janitor’s closet. after you walked out with him, you turned your head and noticed mina grinning at you, congratulating you on what was your new relationship with the boy you’ve been pining over for ages.

Blinded ch.6

A/N- Hope you guys like it!! :)

Warning- none

Pairing- Poe Dameron x solo!reader

Tagged- @chloe-skywalker

(Let me know if you want to be tagged)

—

The moment couldn’t be real. He couldn’t be here. He was dead. This was just a mind trick played by Kylo, nothing more nothing less. Anakin Skywalker was dead. You began to take careful steps backwards as you saw his appearance still there. An amused smile began to form on his lips as he saw and felt your confusion.

“You’re confused and worried. Don’t be I’m here to help.” He said only making you more surprised and worried.

“How?” You finally managed to say.

“Im a force spirit it’s a power only a few jedi can do, in time I’ll teach you too.” Your eyes were still wide and you still had a million questions and doubt. “I’m here to help you y/n.”

“How? Why?” He mustered up a small laugh as he shook his head at same questions you asked him.

“I’ve been watching you, looking out for you, we all have. Since your fall to the dark side and your path back to the light side. I’ve seen you struggle and your mother Leia try and help you. She can’t do it alone and I understand your struggle with the battle you fight within and I want to help you and your redemption back.” You’re left speechless still in shock with his presence but you understand more now. And the doubt you have is small now but still lingering. “I’ve been calling to you but with all the voices in your head you were confused.”

“I really want to follow the right path again.” You say in a low voice.

“It’s not going to be easy but we’re going to do it.”

-

The thought of your grandfather Anakin presenting himself to you as a force spirit, to try and help you was all you could think about. The help he was offereing was one you couldn’t refuse, you needed his help if you wanted to do what was right. Even if the presence of him still blew your mind, You had known about force spirits but it was not until now that you knew that it was actually true. But you couldn’t just think about that. You had to keep yourself busy so the voices you hear, the ones that are tempting you to follow a path weren’t the only thing you heard and thought about.

Your mother said that you shouldn’t spend time alone when you weren’t training or mediating. She said that you needed to make friends around the base. You would offer to help some people and some would gladly accept and others would walk the other way or just pretend you weren’t there. Some didn’t know of who you had been before and where you had been but others did and those are the ones that glared at you or whispered to one another when you passed by.

Either way you tried to talk and make friends even if some didn’t want to even look your way. But that’s something you had to deal with if you were going to stay and help here in the resistance. As you looked for a specific part for a ship you’ve been fixing a little orange and white droid kept bumping into your leg. “Do you need help?” You ask the little droid. He begins beep to tell you what he needed and that he couldn’t reach it. You grab it and hand it to him and he thanks you. You would have thought he was going to leave but he stayed and asked you to help him with the ship he was fixing.

“Your pilot can’t help?” You ask him and he nods so you sigh and follow the little droid to where the x-wing was. You begin to help out the little droid and in an instant know what was wrong with it. The only thing you didn’t know was who the X-wing belonged to and who the droid belonged too.

“What are you doing?” The all to familiar voice asked. You scoot forward and from under the X-Wing. You take a deep breath and stand up.

“Your droid said he needed help so I came to help.” You told the Commander Poe Dameron. He crossed his arms over his chest and looked down at his little droid and back to you.

“Well we’re fine.” He said with a different part in his hand that he didn’t need.

“Really? Because by the looks of it you don’t. I’ve fixed ships before I know a thing or two.” You say to try and remain calm and not let the anger seep through.

“Well I’ve said we’re fine. We don’t need your help.” You look down at the little droid and smile at him.

“Maybe we’ll talk later you’re much nicer then your friend here.” You say as you look back at Poe. You grab the part the BB unit had grabbed and shoved it into Poe’s arms. “Keep it maybe it’ll fix that big ego of yours.” You say with a huff and turn to leave.

-

“Focus on what’s around you, the warm sun, the wind, the dirt, grass, life, decay that feeds the new life.” Your grandfather Anakin said as you sat outside in the open, where it was quiet and alone perfect for mediating. You did as he instructed and closed your eyes and began to focus on what was around you. “Let the force flow through you...what do you feel?”

“I feel the wind, the warm sun hitting down, I feel the water flow in the riverbed, the dirt, the decay below it that feeds new life, I feel the birds in the trees and the other critters. I feel the force flow through me, I feel calm.” You say. The rocks and dirt began to float up as you sat and mediatated, you also began to float without you noticing it. You were lost in your mediation, you felt calm and peaceful something you hadn’t felt in a while. “I feel you, your presence, it’s strong and I feel my mothers too.” You whisper.

Your mother looked at the spirit of her father as they both stayed and watched, and trained. But their was also someone else watching, lurking about in the woods. Poe Dameron. He had followed your mother and you. His curiosity got the best of him, he wanted to know what you were really doing, he trusted General Organa but he still couldn’t trust you. He just wanted to make sure you weren’t leading your own mother to some trap. But as he saw you in the woods floating above the ground and the rocks and dirt floating above too he knew that maybe their was no trap. Their was nothing to be suspious about. In fact he was amazed by what you were doing. He knew of the force and what it could do, he once had a force sensitive tree but he never knew anyone who was force sensitive until he met you.

Your eyebrows furrowed and your nose scrunched up as you felt something else, another presence, darker. Once again you went to the dark part of the planet, the burnt trees, the black ground. “I feel anger, the darkness, cold, pain...I see the darkness...it’s calling to me.” You say your voice strained.

“Y/N focus again on your surroundings, the peacefulness, the light, life, don’t follow the darkness.” Anakin began to say.

Everything then went black and you began to feel fear. “It’s dark but I I feel someone.” The presence then began to feel familiar. Their was a hint of light coming from above, you were in your mind, you stood up and the worried voices of your grandfather and your mother felt distant. You began to hear heavy footsteps approaching, you stumbled back but kept your eyes on where you had heard the noise come from.

Bits of sliver began to reflect as it hit the small amount of light that hit. It wasn’t until the presence came into full view that you knew exactly who it was. “It’s Kylo he’s here.” You whispered. You felt nothing but anger and pain come from him. He took off his helmet and you saw his face, you hadn’t seen it in a while but you saw it now.

“She’s lying to you, nothing good comes from being there, they hate you there, they fear you. She’s lied to you. I haven’t.” He began to approach you. The memories of him and all he has said flashed by and you could feel it start to consume you. “You feel that anger, feed off of it.”

“Y/N let the darkness pass don’t let it consume you. Don’t let it blind you.” You heard anakin say, his voice sounded distant and almost like an echo but you could hear him.

“Come back sister. Here you have true power. They do nothing but lie. Remember what they done to you. Come back, don’t leave me.” You weren’t paying attention to how close he was until his hands were on either side of your head. In an instant you felt darkness, all the feelings your were trying to fight. You were trying to fight him off and feel the light again, but it was hurting, your struggle to fight was causing pain.

“I can’t! I can’t! It hurts!” You began to yell as you began to shake, sweat ran down your forehead and your breathing was heavy. “Please! Just make it stop!”

“No y/n fight him. Fight the darkness. Follow my voice, feel the darkness pass, feel the force in you, light.” Anakin kept saying. The rocks that were once floating around you began to explode and turn into a thousand of small pieces. The surrounding trees began to crack along with the branches littered on the ground.

The lurking presence hiding in between the trees paid closer attention as he saw your struggle. He payed attention to what was happening around you and him. In that instant he felt something, as he saw you cry out in pain he saw that maybe you weren’t the person he was painting you to be. He saw that you were honest in your journey to redemption. He began to feel sorry for how he had treated you how had felt towards you, he no longer saw the monster he knew you to be, but you. He saw you for you, just a girl trying to change for the better. He began to feel different towards you, then again he had felt different towards you before in that fight with the stormtroopers that happened a while ago. But now he knew his feelings for you were different. The hate wasn’t strong but you also couldn’t erase what you had done but now he saw it in a different way.

“Y/N honey fight him! Hear my voice.” You heard your mother say. “Remember your father, remember what he told you. Remember his feelings towards you. He loves you honey. I love you. You’re not alone.” At the mention of your father you fought stronger, you began to feel the light again. Your breathing began to calm and you began to relax. The trees were no longer shaking and the floating dirt and rocks around you weren’t flying in a fast motion but calmer. You no longer saw Kylo or felt pain, anger and cold. You felt what you had felt before. Once you felt yourself fully return back you let yourself fall to the ground. You let your head fell in your hands.

“You did good y/n. It wasn’t going to be easy and it’s not going to be easy but you came back, you didn’t let the darkness consume you. That’s good, we’ll continue tomorrow.” Anakin said as he rubbed your shoulder in a soothing way.

“Thank you.” You whispered to him. He smiled at his daughter before he disappeared. Your mother then sat next to you and wrapped her arms around you.

Poe who was still watching carefully began to make his way back. He was impressed and he left with different feelings towards you. He saw your struggle and the fight you put up to keep the darkness away.

.

.

.

The Boy Next Door (Colt x MC / Logan x MC)

PART THIRTEEN

A/N: IM SO SORRY PLEASE DONT HATE ME. Characters belong to Pixelberry, I’m just playing with them.

Rating: PG-18 (lots of swearing)

Word count: 2250

Tagging: @brightpinkpeppercorn @desiree-0816 @lovehugsandcandy @walkerduchess @liamzigmichael4ever @emceesynonymroll @emichelle @hellomynameisdevi @client-327 @badchoicesposts @blackcatkita @pixel-thirsty @drakeismyweakness @donutsgirl36 @miss-raleigh-carrera @i-bloody-love-drake-walker @lovemychoices @mrskaneko @missameliep ♥

I love him. I love Colt.

“Bye, honey! Safe journey, you two!”

“Bye, Dad!”

I love Colt. I love Colt. I love Colt.

“You okay in there?” Logan asked glancing at his girlfriend, lost in thought.

I love Colt, I-- “Yes, yes,” she smiled at him.

“If something is bothering you--”

“I’m fine, Logan. I just want to go home and lie down for a bit, I’m tired.”

Logan swallowed hard and shifted his attention back to the road in front of them. “If you say so...”

She hated this. She hated the fact that Logan still didn’t know. She hated the fact that she loved Colt, not her own boyfriend. She did love Logan though, but it was nothing compared to what she felt to Colt. She just wanted to be home, in his house, see him, just see him. She needed to see him or else she would die.

When Logan parked in front of the house, Ellie almost ran inside looking for him.

Colt was doing the dishes when she entered and he instantly turned his head at the sound of the intrusion. He smiled at her so widely that Ellie forgot how to breathe.

I love him. I love him. I love him.

With a heart beating way too fast for a healthy human being, she took a few steps towards him as he wiped his hands.

I love him. I love him. I love him.

Slowly, he put his arms around her waist, wrapping her in a hug. She could smell his cologne and his aftershave and it was the most beautiful smell ever.

I love him. I love him. I love him.

Colt pulled away and looked at her with a serious expression. Even though it lasted for less than a minute, it felt like eternity and the longer he stared the more sure she was that Colt just read her mind.

Colt? You’re here? I might have used your toothbrush to clean the toilet when I was mad at you.

No reaction. He couldn’t read her mind after all.

“Ellie, I--”

“Hey, can someone help me with these?” Logan walked into the apartment carrying two large suitcases, two bags full of homemade dishes from Ellie’s father, her purse, his phone and two water bottles.

“On it,” Colt quickly broke the eye contact with Ellie and took a few things from Logan to help him out. Ellie grabbed her purse and headed towards her bedroom, feeling both, Colt’s and Logan’s, eyes on her.

Oh boy, what a mess.

~~~~

A few days passed and Ellie still didn’t know what Colt wanted to tell her that day. She tried to get him to talk to her but they seemed to never be completely alone. Ellie’s feelings to Colt only intensified with each day and she felt like she was going to explode soon.

On a Saturday morning, she decided to wake up earlier and catch Colt in the kitchen before Logan woke up. But once she got out of bed, her boyfriend opened his eyes and gently grabbed her hand.

“Hey... Is everything okay?” He asked concerned.

“Yes, I couldn’t sleep. I’m going to make coffee.”

“Ellie...” he let go of her hand and looked at her wistfully. “Is it about me? I—I see something is wrong, you’re being distant and I... I know I’m busy with my job and everything but I hope you know how much I love you.”

Ellie swallowed hard and nodded. She needed to tell him. Soon. Before he would somehow find out on his own.

“I love you too Logan,” she whispered and got back in bed with him. I love you Logan. Just... not the way I love Colt.

He pulled her closer and kissed her forehead.

Why does life have to be so complicated?

~~~~

Ellie didn’t talk to Colt that day. She talked to Annya instead. The woman brought more letters and pictures for Ellie and the two were looking through old photos of Colt, laughing and sharing stories. Ellie grew to like Colt’s mother and she was sure he would love her too. She knew from Annya that Colt inherited his stubbornness from his father. Colt was actually very similar to Teppei in many ways as Ellie noticed after learning more about Teppei. She wanted Colt to learn more about his parents too. She had many letters to prove that Teppei did love his son a lot and was proud of him and she couldn’t wait to share them with Colt. She hated knowing that he thought his parents hated him. He deserved nothing but love and Ellie wanted to prove it to him.

When she came home after school a few days later, Colt was sitting on the couch and watching something. He smiled when she walked in and she felt a familiar warmth in her heart at the sight.

“Hey, how was school?” he asked turning off the TV.

“It was... good, but this is not what I wanted to talk about with you,” Ellie sat down next to him and started chewing her lip nervously.

“Talk? What happened?”

“Nothing happened! I just wanted to talk. About life and stuff like that. Nothing specific.” Liar.

“Okay...? Then, umm... how’s life?” Colt asked confused and Ellie tried to supress a chuckle.

“Your life Colt. I wanted to ask you to tell a little bit more about your father and mother. If that’s okay.”

“Ellie,” Colt ran his hand through his hair, “there’s not much to tell. My mom left us when I was little and Pop never cared about me. You know the story.”

“I do but... Do you know why your mom left you? Or why your father was treating you like this?”

Colt sighed. “Pop said she wanted to focus on her life and the two of us were just an obstacle. I don’t know why he treated me like this, he probably hated me for ruining his and mom’s life.”

Ellie swallowed hard knowing it was not true. She didn’t want to push him too far as Colt really hated sharing anything from his life and the fact that he was talking to her was already a big victory.

“Why do you care, actually?” He raised an eyebrow and looked at her and she shrugged.

“Just wondering. You know I’m nosy.”

“Fair enough,” he chuckled.

“I think it’s not true. I mean, I don’t think your father hated you. I think he loved you and was proud of you. And your mother loved you too.”

“Yeah, yeah, and then pigs started flying and shitted all over Pop’s head and it turned him into a grumpy monster,” Colt rolled his eyes and Ellie bursted into laugher.

“Maybe not exactly that but... Your father was proud of you.”

“I wish, Ellie. I tried so damn hard but he only complained about me. And now he’s dead so it doesn’t matter anyway.”

Ellie took a deep breath and retrived Teppei’s letter from her pocket. She cleared her throat before speaking. “He was proud of you. I—I have a proof. Here.” She put the letters on his lap and Colt looked at her with a puzzled expression. “These are your fathers letters. To your mom, who didn’t leave you by the way, she... was studying here and it was your father who took you from her and--”

“Ellie,” Colt turned his attention to letters in front of him, “where the hell did you get these?”

“I umm.... got them from your mom...”

“Who?!”

“Your mom. She just started working at my university and I wanted to get to know her better when we started talking--”

“You what?”

“I... talked to your mom. She actually never left you and I--”

“You talked to my mother?” Colt abruptly stood up and was towering over her now.

“Yes, but I wanted to know why she left you because you always thought you had no one and I thought--”

“You thought what?” His voice was calm but she could see he was angry.

“I thought... I wanted... I thought I would try to reunite you with your family...”

“And why would you do that? You know why I never wanted to keep in touch with her, I thought you knew me... Why, Ellie?! Why?”

“Because... I wanted... I wanted you to have a family. I knew you wanted one and--”

“Wrong. I never said I wanted anyone. I have no one and I’m good with that.” He didn’t even sound angry at that moment, he sounded broken and upset that Ellie did something like that.

Shit.

“You have me...”

“I don’t.”

“But...”

“No buts, Ellie!” He started yelling, now definitely angry, “How DARE you talk to someone from my life? Why couldn’t you just mind your own damn business?! Why did you do this?!”

“Because...”

“I am sick of you. You always think you know best, don’t you? But this is not your life, it doesn’t affect you, so fuck off.”

“I just wanted--”

“I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU WANTED! This woman left me, and I don’t care what is her official version, I have the right to not talk to her.”

“I know but I--”

“But I! I! I! This is not about you! You’re not my sister, you’re not my family.” He looked at her and swallowed hard before adding. “You’re not my girlfriend. You’re not even my friend. You’re NO ONE, and you have NO rights to do anything like this behind my back!”

“But Colt...”

“NO BUTS!”

“Hey! Why are you yelling at my girlfriend? She didn’t do anything wrong!” Logan walked in after hearing their heated conversation. He glared at Colt and Colt sent him an angry look too.

“A knight in shining armor! This is none of your business so get the fuck out of here!”

“Colt!” Ellie screamed and grabbed Logan’s arm when he wanted to punch Colt.

“You’re being rude to my girlfriend, this is my fucking business as well. She just wanted to get you to talk to your mother, why are you so mad about it? She did it because she cares about you, for whatever reason.”

“Care.” Colt snickerred. “What do you know about caring about other people? Look at you. Defending your girlfriend because you ‘love’ her. And have you ever told her the truth?”

“What truth?” Ellie asked confused.

“Colt!” Logan narrowed his eyes.

“Why, since we’re not minding anyone’s business, let’s share some stories, shall we?”

“COLT!” Logan raised his voice.

“Logan worked for my father,” Colt turned to Ellie with something unreadable in his eyes. “They were both stealing cars, revamping them and selling as new. As a job. I never got into it, I only helped when I needed to. But these two, they were close. Stole many cars until one days they were caught on camera. My father was killed while escaping from the cops but Logan made it.”

Ellie looked at Logan with horror on her face. He stood still, quiet, avoiding her eyes.

“He helped me get my revenge. For my father. This is why I owned him a favor. Wanna know the best part?”

“COLT!!!” Logan yelled but Colt ignored him.

“Logan was so scared he would go to jail that he wanted to find out who was solving his and my father’s case so he could ‘take care’ of this person, too. This is how you found Detective Wheeler, isn’t it, Logan? As you said, it would be easier to get to him through his daugther, right?”

“Logan...?” Ellie looked at her boyfriend or... whoever it was, with tears in her eyes.

“Ellie, I swear I can explain. It’s not like this, I--”

“IS IT TRUE? What Colt said?”

“Yes...” Logan bit his lip and looked at her pleadingly.

“How could--”

“Oh, stop it. As if you’re a saint!” Colt turned to Ellie.

“Colt...”

“What? We’re telling each other secrets, right? You didn’t think twice before prying into my business so why should I?” He turned to Logan. “On your anniversary, when she broke up with you, she ended up naked in my bed. Has she ever mentioned that? I still have scratches on my back from her nails if you wanna see.”

“Colt!!!”

“What? Isn’t it nice when people don’t mind their own business?”

“I need... I need a moment,” Logan took a few steps back and Ellie started crying. They both looked broken and Colt, on the other hand, looked furious.

“Good. Now that we all established that you are worth each other, I want you, both of you, to get the fuck out of my house. I don’t want to see ANY of you EVER AGAIN in my life.” Colt yelled before storming out. Logan took his jacket and walked out of the door too. 

Ellie looked at both of them leaving, feeling as if her whole world was falling apart. She collapsed on the floor, crying so hard that she couldn’t catch a breath. It didn’t take long before her crying stopped and everything went black.

Peace and Quiet?

Pairings: Steve Rogers x Reader

Warnings: Angst-ish, language, the reader makes a poor decision, fluff as well  

Word Count: 5900+ 

Request: “I seriously love your longer one shots! Could you please do a Cap (or Bucky) + reader, where the reader is kinda loud/outgoing because of not wanting to be forgotten or something? And the reader figures they make him uncomfortable and shuts everyone out, leading to him confessing he likes the reader? Fluff please?” @homeybadger

A/N:  Wow so uhh, this has been a request that’s been sitting in my inbox for sooooo looonnng. No seriously, like super long. I feel so bad that it’s taken me just now to get to it. I wanted to do something nice with it, but I just couldn’t get it right, then I forgot it was there and then I remember and scrapped the whole thing. I hope you enjoy this story and I hope the length makes up for it! I did not mean to take so long on this! I hope you all enjoy!! 

**I’m also debating on doing a second part, but it all depends on the feedback I get. So please let me know what you think! ❤

Gifs not mine, credit to the creator!

“Oh, bad luck. You landed on Boardwalk,” Sam smirked, a giggle beginning to bubble in his chest as the rage that was settling on Y/N’s face across the table. She glared at the double dice, a freaking snake eye, that had been against her the entire game. “And if my math is correct, with my three houses you owe me $1400. And from the looks of your very sad pile, you’ll have to sell everything on top of declaring bankruptcy.”

“I hate this game!” Y/N screamed, throwing down the $300 hundred she had left.

“Hey, don’t hate the game!” Natasha shot back, grinning behind her beer bottle. Y/N shot her glare.

“Oh, shut up! You and Clint have been cheating the entire time and you know it!” she growled. Clint gasped but was cut off by a sharp jab in the ribs by Bucky. He grumbled and pulled out the chance cards he had stashed away, and nudge Natasha to pull out the money she had hidden away. “See! This game sucks!”

“Now, now. No need to go all green on us.” Tony grinned. Bruce made a noise before letting out a puff of air. Irritated with both the game and how smug everyone was acting, Y/N exploded with a primal battle cry.

“Fuck this game! You people are all cheaters!”

Everyone had enough time to grab their drinks off before Y/N flipped the table, the pieces flying everywhere. Bucky and Wanda both doubled over in their seats, howling when Y/N began to scream at Tony, who jumped up and was yelling back at the same volume. Clint and Natasha were grinning like idiots as the mayhem grew. Bruce rolled his eyes when Sam jumped in, normally the tone the room shifted would set him on edge, but this wasn’t unusual. The only person that wasn’t reacting, save for Vision who had no idea why tensions were so high over a silly game, was Steve.

He had decided to sit this game night out. After the Mario Party debacle, he wasn’t ready to jump back in the ring. Thor spun a wheel and tossed a dart to cut someone’s stars in half. He landed on Y/N’s. While she was once in the lead, that cut her stars in half and she was suddenly in last place. That was fine. It was when she was hit by Bowser, who Tony was playing as when they managed to let him loose of his little prison that she flipped her lid. The team got a kick out of her raging at the games, and all banded together to see how quickly she could snap. Steve, however, didn’t see the charm in it.

To put it lightly, Y/N was a lot to handle. She was everywhere all at once to begin with, her voice carrying through walls. There wasn’t a single mean bone in her body, aside from her intense competitive streak. She seemed to win over anybody. Steve still wasn’t sure. He’d admit, she was sweet and everyone else seemed to love her. Steve thought she was cute too, sometimes she would fall asleep on the couch and he’d find himself taking advantage of her stillness to stare. But she never stopped to breathe once it seemed. He couldn’t recall a time where she wasn’t talking loudly about something or practically bouncing off the walls from excitement. She was a lot more than he was used to. Y/N made his head spin. It wasn’t terrible, but it was a bit exhausting after a while around her. It also didn’t help that sometimes her power manifested with her growing emotions. Which is what was happening right now.

“You’re the one who wanted us to play this stupid game!” Tony accused, rolling his eyes.

“Did not! I specifically said that I thought it was a stupid idea because I always end up flipping a table! You’re the one who then said we had to play it since learning that bit of information.” She countered pointing a finger at him. Tony stopped, a sly grin spreading across his face.

“Oh yeah.”

“Ugh!” She grumbled. “You people are so frustrating! Why do you do this to me?!”

“Because it’s fun.” Tony grinned, his eyes flashing with glee. That was the wrong thing to say. Now Y/N really was angry. She grits her teeth and balled her fists at her side. If this was a cartoon, she’d have steam coming out of her ears she was so angry. Unbeknownst to her, her powers started to manifest with her mounting fury, afflicting the others in the room.

Y/N’s power was special and even a bit strange considering how specific it was. Since she could remember, Y/N always had the gift to control the aura around her to suppressed others authority and leadership skills. It was a power that had come handy in her life, but also hindered her more than it helped. She had a rather strong grip on it at all times, but sometimes that control slipped. Tony’s face paled, and everyone else around her started to shift uncomfortably.

“Uh-Y/N.” Wanda reached out, her fingers gently brushing against the back of Y/N’s arm. Wanda flinched, the contact enough to send her the full force of Y/N’s strange power, but she fought to stay strong. Y/N blinked, quickly realizing the shift in the room was because of her. Her shoulder’s dropped and the suffocating aura surrounding her disappeared. The room sighed collectively in relief.

“See. This is why you shouldn’t poke the bear.” Y/N huffed, crossing her arms against her chest. Tony chuckled and shook his head.

“It’s nice to know you’re aware.” Sam let out a laugh as well, grinning widely at her. She grumbled under her breath and turned to sit back in her seat. As she did, she scanned the room and noticed a spot empty. Standing straighter she glanced around the room.

“Hey, where did Steve go?”

The group collectively turned around, just now noticing the empty seat their Captain once took up as well. Bucky frowned and shot a look to Natasha, who seemed on the same page. Slowly, he turned to back to Y/N.

“Uh... Maybe he decided to turn in early.” He tried. The team seemed to take it, albeit skeptically. He had been doing this a lot lately, getting up at disappearing without a word. No one wanted to say it aloud, but they all noticed it happened around the time Y/N came to the team four months ago.

Y/N stilled, her eyes hardening for a split second before they seemed to glaze over. Shaking her head, she heaved a sigh.

“I’m gonna turn in early too. Sorry, this little outburst just took a lot out of me.” She said, stepping over the discarded pieces and was out of the room before anyone could argue. The room had shifted into a subdued atmosphere, everyone thinking the same thing.

“Someone needs to talk to him.” Wanda murmured. Bucky nodded, letting out a sigh.

“I’ll talk to him.” He said. The rest all murmured in agreement, slowly trickling out the room since game night clearly was done for the evening. They could only hope tomorrow would end on a better note.

~~~~~~~

Y/N sat on her bed, clinging to her favorite stuffed animal wondering just where she went wrong. Since she joined the team a few short months ago, she had been trying her best to get close to the rest of her teammates. Naturally, she was a bubbly person. But her gift made it harder for her to get close to anyone. Her parents thought it was odd, the power came from nowhere when she hit the age of three. It took them time to figure out that it wasn’t because she was incredibly intimidating and that she was unintentionally suppressing their confidence level.

They spent years taking her to doctors and specialists that might be able to help her control her powers. It wasn’t without consequences. Because she struggled for so long to control her powers, she spent a lot of her life unintentionally hurting those around her.

Her classmates didn’t know what exactly, but they knew something was wrong with her. She spent the majority of her school years alone in the corner, shunned from taking part of anything in her classes. If anyone tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, something always went wrong. They were terrified of her. The fear turned to indifference and eventually, they paid her no mind. No one wanted her in their lives. But for Y/N, she wanted nothing more than to be accepted and included.

Which might explain why she was the way she was today. It took years to master her control, but she did it. And now that she was an Avenger, she was surrounded by people who were like her. Special and unique. Nowhere else could she be herself as she could here. This was her last chance of being free and she never wanted to be forgotten.

It didn’t take her long to win over the others. They were more than aware of what she could do. Not a one batted an eyelash, no one shrank away in fear they’d be subjected to the smothering fear she could plague them with. If anything, it fascinated them. She was the one who they’d send in to interrogate. Whether on location or in a holding cell, it didn’t matter. Her power was a gift to get the tightest of lips to talk. For the first time in her life, Y/N felt as though she had finally found her calling.  

Y/N was proud of how far she had come. It was years of uphill battles and year left in the shadows. But now, she had it all, friends, her family and a job she loved. All except the acceptance of Steve. He was polite, but he always had an air of discomfort around her. Not with anyone else, just her. Y/N hated to admit it, but it hurt.

Since the day she met him, Y/N fell hard. Who couldn’t though? He was charming, cared for his friends and protective of his family. But for some reason, he just didn’t seem like he enjoyed being around her. Perhaps, she thought, it was something she said to him. She couldn’t recall anything that might set his teeth on edge, but she was at a loss.

Letting out a heavy sigh, Y/N set her stuffed animal down on the bed and swung her legs over the side. She knew she shouldn’t dwell too much on it. He could very well be in a bad mood, and it could confidently only be when she’s in the same room. She snorted. Yeah, that was it.

No, she thought, there was something more about it. Thinking back all the times she noticed he’d got running, realization hit her like a freight train. Every time he ran, it was because of something she did. It was her. A broken sob crept it’s way up her throat. She was the reason, that was the only thing it could be. Steve Rogers, the man who unknowingly held her heart in his hands, was uncomfortable with her. She clenched the sheets of the bed and held back her tears.

Y/N had to change. Her behavior had always been a problem, she knew that. She was so terrified of being left alone and forgotten again, she let her eagerness go too far. Falling back on the bed, she stared at the ceiling and came to a life-altering decision.

~~~~~

“Hey! There you are!” Natasha grinned motioning Y/N over to her mat. “I was wondering if you’d ever show up or if I’d have to go up to pull you out of bed.”

Y/N didn’t respond with her usual quip, just sent her a tight-lipped smile and a soft apology. Natasha blinked her lack of typical response slightly off-putting. Where was her boisterous hello and never-ending pouts of energy? It was one of the fun things about working out with Y/N first thing in the morning. This wasn’t usual of her at all.

“Okay.” Natasha drawled, looking over Y/N to try and decipher her new attitude. “Well, let’s get started on stretching you at, then we’ll get on the mat to spar.”

Y/N wordlessly nodded, moving over to where the yoga mats were laid out waiting for her. Natasha took up the spot next to her, keeping her eyes especially close on Y/N. Aside from her uncharacteristically quiet demeanor, it didn’t seem like there was a hair out of place on her. Although, her movement seemed a bit on the robotic side. Y/N was just going through the motions, getting done with her stretches before wordlessly making her way over to the mats without a glance to Natasha.

Natasha sat up and watched Y/N leave without a word, flabbergasted. Things seemed fine last night, aside from Steve’s abrupt disappearance. As far as Natasha knew, Y/N had gone straight to her room to sleep. And everyone was either here in the gym or Tony and Bruce in the lap. So, what happened to Y/N?

“Hey, you okay?” Natasha asked, catching Y/N’s elbow.

“What do you mean?” Y/N tilted her head to the side, brows furrowed.

“I don’t know,” Natasha said slowly, her gaze narrowing the longer she stared at Y/N. “You just seem… off today.”

“Oh.” She uttered simply. “Yeah. I’m good.”

Pulling her arm away from Natasha, Y/N wandered over to where Sam was now standing with Bucky. Their smile grew at the sight of her, both unaware of Y/N’s new behavior.

“Good morning sunshine!” Sam beamed at her, wrapping her up in a hug. Y/N let out a faint giggle as she hugged him back. Bucky grinned and tilted his head in greeting.

“Morning doll. You sleep okay last night? I didn’t hear your snores through the paper-thin walls last night.”  He teased, nudging her with his shoulder. Y/N huffed but surprisingly bit her tongue.

“Morning Bucky. Yeah, I slept fine.” Y/N shrugged, her face showing little to no emotions. “We ready to get started.”

Both men were stunned, completely thrown off by her sudden change. They shot Natasha a startled look, who could only shrug. She hadn’t the faintest idea either what happened. Y/N wasn’t supplying them with anything either, so all they could do was continue as if nothing was wrong. It didn’t mean they weren’t going to question her later of course.

Getting done with their training was odd, uncomfortable even. Y/N didn’t speak unless spoken to, and even then they were short simple answers. There was none of her usual spunkiness that fought back with each quip Sam sent her way. He even tried to rile her up, he almost pulled out all the stops in a hope to gain a reaction from her. But she didn’t move an inch. Bucky tried to get her to react when he threw a punch harder than necessary her way. They thought they had her, there was a spark of fury in her eyes after she picked herself up, but she quickly wiped the expression on her face.

In the end, Y/N went through the motions, doing what needed to be done without her usual flare. At one point, Wanda had even commented on how unusually quiet she had been. When Y/N left to head to the locker room, she cornered Bucky and Sam.

“What did you two do?” she hissed, jabbing a finger in Sam’s chest. He made a noise in the back of his throat offended at the accusation.

“What the hell makes you think we did anything?” Bucky crossed his arms across his chest. Wanda turned her narrow gaze to Bucky.

“Well. Something happened to her. And I know Natasha wouldn’t do anything to hurt her.”

“Oh and we would?” Sam snapped, shaking his head. “We didn’t do anything to her Wanda, she was like this when she came in.”

“He’s right.” Natasha interrupted, siding with the two men. “She’s been like this all morning. I have no clue why.”

The door the locker room opened, Y/N walking freshly out of the shower and a new change of clothes. She stopped short when she saw all four eyes locked on her across the room. Awkwardly, she waved to them before heading to the exit. Right as she reached it, Steve swung open the door, towel in hand. His steps faltered and a tight-lipped smile passed on her face.

The group couldn’t see her face from where they stood. All they could see was her nod her head once before stepping around Steve with a wide berth to head out the exit. Steve was left stunned. It wasn’t normal to not have his ear talked off when it came to Y/N. Blinking rapidly, he wandered over to Bucky, brows furrowed in confusion.

“What she say?” Wanda asked. Steve’s mouth fell open to answer but couldn’t find the right words.

“Uh… Nothing.” He shrugged.

“And you don’t find that strange?” Wanda asked the group, pinning each of them with her stare. Bucky bristled at the insinuation, his hands balling into fists.

“We never said it wasn’t. We just have no idea what’s wrong with her.” He snapped, stepping up with his back straighter and shoulders set. Wanda glared right back, red seeping into her eyes. Natasha wiggled her way between them, grumbling under her breath.

“Alright. Alright, enough.” She held her hands out to both, pushing them back. “Wanda, we have no clue what happened. Y/N walked in like this. It’s probably nothing and she’s just having an off day. Why don’t we just let whatever happened run its course and see how she is through the rest of the day. No point on biting each other’s heads off when we all did nothing wrong.”

The group grumbled their agreement, still not at ease with how the morning had turned. Steve was just as concerned as the rest. It was odd that she didn’t greet him with her megawatt smile when he walked in the gym, and it was odd how her face seemed to tighten at the sight of him. All he got this morning was a tight-lipped smiled before she ran out the door. What was even odder was the fact that she seemed to give him as much space as possible. As if she didn’t want to get too close.

Steve turned to the door, his brows creased and mouth in a tight line. Something was going on with Y/N, but who was he to worry about her?

~~~~~~~~

Things hadn’t gotten much better with Y/N over the next few days. She had stopped taking part in the loud discussions that always managed to start up in the kitchen or the living room. Her words were short and few in between, but she didn’t seem upset. Just much more subdued than usual. When someone would speak to her, so would she. But it was never the same volume as before.

Sam and Clint both made it their mission to get her to snap. They did everything from switching her sugar to salt in her coffee to going into her room and putting baby powder in her hair dryer. Nothing worked. She would just sigh and turn her back to them, shoulders tense. They thought she’d give up and go back to her old ways, but nothing worked. Not even Natasha could get her to admit what was wrong.

Steve, however, was taking her attitude change harder than the rest. Don’t ask him why he didn’t even know. He thought he’d prefer her at a lower decibel, he assumed she would be more manageable and easier to get along with. But this, this wasn’t what he thought it would be like. To him, it almost seemed creepy. This wasn’t the Y/N he had come to know. The wasn’t the same woman in the slightest. It was as if someone else swapped personalities with her.

Y/N hadn’t shown any improvement in her attitude in the field either. Actually, she seemed to be less productive now. One of the ways she managed to get people to confess was using her power and then releasing it. There she’d act like a good cop, bargaining with them for information and if they didn’t give her what she wanted, she’d switch her powers back on again. Now, she just threw herself into it. There was no build up, no false sense of security.

Just last week they needed information about the next hit Hydra ordered. They apprehended one of the agents and sent in Y/N to get out the information when he wouldn’t fess up. The team assumed the old Y/N would come out now that she was in the field. Instead, she walked in and used the full force of her powers on the man. She was already so powerful, but she had a strong grip on her control. When her power flared to life, even with the thick walls it suffocated everyone.

The agent instantly started sobbing, blubbering like a small child before it grew to mindless screaming for mercy. As it turns out, her power can actually break the human spirit and shatter their sanity into a thousand pieces. It only affected the man in front of her, but it still rattled the rest of the group. Steve was furious.

“What the hell was that?!” He snarled, dragging Y/N into a conference room. She blinked, her face unmoving despite the rage rolling off him in waves. Tony, Fury, and Maria both sat around the meeting table, their mouths pulled into thin lines. She tore her gaze away, refusing to look at anyone in particular as Steve raged on. “You ruined any chances of getting information out of him!”

“Actually Cap, she ruined any chance of him being a normal human being again,” Tony interjected, pulling up a hologram of the doctor's report. The mental status report had been sent in a few moments before Steve dragged her in. The poor man couldn’t remember his name let alone the information they needed.

Y/N pinched the bridge of her nose between her fingers and let out a heavy breath. When she opened them, their faces hadn’t changed a bit. Settling on a point at the table, the brief glimpse she caught of their expressions was burned in her mind. Steve was livid, Tony seemed borderline irritated with a hint of amusement, while Fury and Maria both had a hard expression that told her she was in for it for the next few weeks.

“Look. I’m sorry. I let a few personal matters get to me and clearly, I didn’t handle it well.” She said calmly. Steve flinched at how lifeless she sounded when she mentioned her personal matter and shot Tony a concerned look. Tony tilted his head in acknowledgment, he too aware of the pain she seemed to be suppressing. “I can’t promise it won’t happen again by accident, but I’ll make sure to put more training in to ensure it doesn’t.”

Fury shifted in his seat, folding his hands on his crossed knee. His single eye narrowed as he looked her over and gave her a curt nod.

“See that it doesn’t agent. Dismissed.” He said curtly. Y/N’s eyes fluttered shut for a spilt-second before she jerked her chin and spun at heel to leave the room. After the door shut behind her, Fury grunted.

“What did you people do to her?” He accused, leveling Steve and Tony with a stare. Both men frowned and glanced at the other.

“We didn’t do anything.” Tony snapped, narrowing his eyes. Steve set his hand on the back of a chair and sighed.

“She’s been like this for almost a week now. This is the first time she’s actually admitted something wrong.” Steve replied, his brows furrowing at the tightness in his chest at the idea. It wasn’t like Y/N to keep everything bottle up inside her like this.

“Well, whatever’s wrong with her, fix it,” Fury ordered. “She needs to be in complete control and that can’t happen when her minds on other things.”

Pushing back the chair he stood, Maria right behind him. Not waiting for a reply, he grabbed the folder off the desk and briskly left the room with Maria following. Steve flinched when the door snapped shut behind them. Tony scoffed.

“You can get rid of that sad puppy dog look, Captain.”

Steve frowned, his head snapping up to Tony.

“What’s with the tone, Tony?” He asked. Tony rolled his eyes and leaned back in his seat.

“We all know you don’t like Y/N, you put up a good front though.” He waved a hand absently. “But when you dart out of a room anytime she comes in, or you won’t sit to talk with her when she comes to find you, it gets pretty noticeable.”

Steve stood taller, his mouth drawing into a tight line. He opened his mouth to argue, but it dawned on him. He hadn’t been the most welcoming person to Y/N in the few months she’s been here. Was that really how everyone perceives him? Tony smirked and shook his head.

“To put it simply; you’ve been an ass to our Y/N, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was something you did.” Groaning softly under his breath, Tony stood and grabbed his tablet. Steve’s face fell, the notion her change might have been because of him made his stomach turn. Tony clapped a hand on his shoulder, his mouth pulled into a tight line. “Like Fury said, we’re going to fix this. But don’t worry. We won’t waste your precious time.”

At that, Tony left Steve alone in the conference room, the sting of his words lingering behind. Steve’s shoulder slumped. Maybe this had been his fault. But when? How? He really didn’t think it would have been that big of a deal to leave early after the game. Maybe he thought wrong and she did take it wrong. That wouldn’t mean this complete 180 though, would it? It wasn’t the first time he escaped a game night gone wrong, and she didn’t seem upset them. Perhaps it was something else. That had to be it. He really hadn’t done anything wrong, at least he didn’t think he did.

“Hey FRIDAY,” Steve called. Immediately, the AI system responded.

“Yes, Captain?”

“Go back to the last game night, the one with monopoly, did anything happen to Y/N between the time I left, and she went to bed?” He asked. Silence met him as the computer searched the data.

“No, it doesn’t seem like anything happened. She never left her room once she entered either.” FRIDAY replied. Steve frowned, even more, confused than before. So if there wasn’t anything that happened to her then what was with change?

Clenching his jaw, Steve knew he needed to get to the bottom of this. Not just as a Captain to his team, but as a way to make up for being such a shitty housemate. And maybe even as a way to start an actual friendship with him. Now that he’s seen this side of her, he realized how judgment and close-minded he was. He needed to find her and talk with her.

~~~~

Y/N had just stripped out of her suit and into her PJs when there was a hesitant knock on the door. She frowned. She wasn’t expecting anyone tonight, especially not after she just got her ass handed to her. Reluctantly she went to open the door and was surprised at the person on the other side.

Steve stood there awkwardly, his hands in his pockets. She blinked and took a step back.

“Uh… hi?” she greeted cautiously.  Steve smiled hesitantly and shifted from foot to foot.

“Hey. Can we talk?”

“W-Why?” She clutched on the handle and shifted behind the door in an attempt to hide behind it. Steve noticed and his smile fell. He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

“I know I’m the last person you want to talk to. I’ve not been the most welcoming and I want to apologize. Can I please come in?” He asked earnestly. Y/N was caught off guard at his sincerity. Nodding numbly, she pulled the door open and let him in her room.

Steve glanced around the room, noticing the number of pictures she had hanging up on her wall, pretty fairy lights cascading down the walls illuminating each photo. Her comforter was a light lilac with stuffed animals on the bed. He eyed the little knickknacks matched the rest of her décor on her desks and shelves adding to the warmth and homey feel her room had. Realization hit him that he really hadn’t taken the time to get the real her.

“Go ahead and have a seat.” Y/N waved to the bed before sitting on the other end. Steve sank into the plush mattress, taking a moment to look over Y/N. She refused to make eye contact, to busy wringing her fingers together to notice him staring. Once again, he was struck by how beautiful she was, and how poorly he handled everything.

“Look Y/N, I don’t know what happened the past few days and why you’re acting different, but somethings changed. We all can see it.” He said. Y/N opened her mouth to argue but thought better of it. Steve continued on. “I don’t know what happened, but it hurts all of us to see you like this. It’s like you’ve lost a huge part of yourself and we’re seeing this empty shell. I mean, Sam and Clint both are losing their minds because what ordinarily would work on getting you riled up is doing nothing. And Bucky’s beside himself, Natasha and Wanda are worried sick, and Tony is pissed because-.” Steve stopped short, his face twisting into a pained expression. “He thinks I’m the reason.”

Y/N tensed, her breath catching in her throat. It was minuscule, but Steve caught it. He sat taller and his stomach sank.

“It is because of me.” He whispered sadly. He tore his eyes away from her to stare blankly at his hands. Y/N closed her eyes but didn’t deny it. “I’m sorry. I know I’ve not been accepting. I didn’t mean to hurt you though.”

Y/N nodded slowly, biting her lower lip as he kept talking.

“Truth is, you intimidate the hell out of me. I’ve never met someone who was so sure of themselves and so incredibly proud about it. You held nothing back and you’re so willing to put your heart on your sleeve, I kind of envy you a little. People loved you right of the bat and your just so sweet inside and out. I mean, you didn’t let anyone tell you to chill out before. Which leaves me to ask, why now? Why did I affect you so much that you changed everything about you?”

That caused Y/N’s face to heat up. No way was she going to admit it aloud! It was already embarrassing enough Steve knew he was a reason why she changed, but for him to know what the full reason was mortified her.

“Y/N.” He gently took her hand in his, the corners of his lips turned up. “You don’t have to tell me. I just want you to know that no matter what you think, I don’t hate you. I never did. Matter of fact, I really like you. More than I thought. It didn’t hit me how much I’d come to admire and appreciate your take on life until now. I miss hearing you bicker with Tony about the best brew coffee first thing in the morning or when you and Bucky gang up on Sam. I know Natasha and Wanda miss having their best friend. And game nights will never be the same without you threatening and then following through with flipping a table.”

Y/N giggled and ducked her chin. His grin grew, finally seeing a glimmer of her former self.

“I’m not asking you to forgive me for how I’ve behaved. I can only ask you’ll give me a chance to make up for being such a shitty person.” He grinned.

“Language, Captain.” Y/N teased.

“Is that ever going to die?” Steve groaned and rolled his eyes. “Wait you weren’t even there!”

“I know but hate to break it to you, it’s here for the long haul.” Y/N giggled and shook her head. Steve’s laughter joined hers, his smile stretching from ear to ear. He titled his head to the side after a beat before letting out a sigh.

“So, are you going to be okay?” He asked hopefully. Y/N let out a deep breath, for the first time all week feeling lighter. She was so drained from keeping her emotions in check, it took every ounce of her strength not to react to the attempts at making her snap. She knew it was ridiculous trying to change, but she really thought it was for the better. Turns out, it not only damaged her but everyone she loved.

“Yeah. I think I’ll be okay.” She spoke confidently. Steve patted her thigh and quickly stood.

“Good, because Tony discovered some new game called The Jackbox Party Pack or something along those lines.” He extended a hand and waited for her to take it.

“Wait, right now?” She asked surprised. He nodded and took her hand.

“Yup. Come on. Team bonding time.”

Y/N laughed, letting him pull her up and drag her out of the room. He looked at her over his shoulder, his breath catching in her throat at the way her face lit up from her grin. Turning back quickly, he hoped she didn’t notice the way his ears turned pink. He was an idiot for not taking the time to get to know her. He wasn’t going to ruin his chance with her a second time. Maybe it wasn’t going to easy, but for Y/N he knew it would be worth it.

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Can you explain the color switch technique for theater more clearly? I'm going to audition for our high school play and I want a reliable way to act without having to relive my worst memories.

dunno when exactly you sent this anon, but i hope i havent responded too late.

SO. the colour switch technique. dunno if its an official name or whatever BUT its essentially used in theatre or really in any other scenario where you have to lie or assume an emotion that you’re not currently feeling. essentially, you have to play a role. but since you said youre auditioning for a play, we focusin on the theatre aspect of it.

the most common thing i see or hear people do when they need to play an emotion that they just aren’t feeling at that moment, is to think of a personal event in their lives that elicits that specific emotion. it WILL work, or at the very least, elicit a strong emotion that pushes you to make your scene more believable and more alive. now thats great if the memory or event is a happy one. thinking of the first time you ever held your baby sibling, or that time you had your first kiss, or that day your parents surprised you with a new car. genuine happiness, or the memory of genuine happiness can work wonders to make a scene look and feel organic.

but if the emotion is negative, its going to absolutely DECIMATE your mental health.

no matter how much you think that ‘its just for a scene’ or that it wont actually affect you when youre off the stage, using the “relive memory to recreate emotion” method can and will fuck your mental health sideways with a chainsaw. its BAD for you to constantly think of painful or sad memories. there’s rehearsals, the actual performance, and worse, memories of the play itself. associating the memory of a tragic accident or a bad fight to a scene of a play youre participating in IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU.

i did theatre back in highschool. my depression at that stage was also. uh. particularly bad. so the whole “relive traumatic memories to experience pain so you can act better” is TERRIBLE advise. dont listen to anyone who tells you to do it. it WILL negatively impact your mental health AND your memories of the play, and may even discourage you from participating in future plays yourself.

but you still need to find a way to channel those emotions.

in comes colour switch theory. or technique. whatever its called. my theatre directors were GODDESSES. they recommended this technique to EVERYONE and it WORKS.

the trick is to associate a particular colour with a particular emotion, or even facial expression. when you need to keep a stoic face, you picture the colour in your mind and chant it in your head over and over to not break character. when you need to be sad, just repeat the colour you chose for sadness over and over to get yourself in the mindset WITHOUT hurting your mental health. for me, some of the colours i chose were:

blue- sadness/loneliness

red- anger

black- nothingness

grey- fear

there are more, but lets focus on these four. blue is my favourite colour. but thinking of the colour blue it doesnt automatically make me sad, so i can still enjoy it when im off stage. to channel the emotion of sadness or loneliness that i tied with the colour blue, i think of sadness from inside out and her blue motif. i think of the blue colour commonly depicted for tears. i think of cold and i think of a single person all alone, curled up in a blue room, crying.

just talking about this made my body curl up when i was writing that paragraph. i am shaking, and i feel sad, but when i stopped thinking about that imagery, it stopped. because its not a painful or traumatic memory for me, i can just yeet the blue emotion imagery away from me when i dont want it. you cant do that with personal memories and thats what makes the colour switching strategy so good. you can act better but you dont have to hurt yourself to do it.

think of it as constructing a bubble in your head, or a room you go to when you need to feel something. for anger, i think of a red room. i think of that red emoji with the brows scrunched up and the teeth gnashed together. i think of being so angry you lose words. i think of being red-faced because you just cant control it. conveniently, anger from inside out is also red, so i can think of him too. i think of fire in my veins, hot and ready to explode with nowhere to go but loud, violent screaming. and as im writing this, i can picture myself on a stage just shouting at whoeever has done my character wrong.

same goes for black and grey. black is just when i need to keep a straight face. when i need to be stoic or unimpressed. and its just a black room. nothingness. i sometimes picture that black room in real life when i have to not laugh at something funny if the timing is inappropriate, or when i have to keep a strong facade when i want to cry. i picture that room of nothingness and my mind goes blank. and i can keep a stoic face. the grey room is fog and shadows just in the corner of my eye. its something closing in that i cant see because of all the grey swirling around me. i dont know if im alone. i dont know if i am safe because i can only see a foggy room.

all in all, mentally travelling to a room in your mind created for the express purpose of eliciting a specific emotion is better than just retraumatising yourself. and its really simple to create these rooms. you dont even have to use the same colours i did.

maybe you have more trouble with expressing lovey dovery emotions. you can make red your love room. think of red flowers on valentines day, the red heart decals you see on store windows, the red box of chocolate youd give to a lover. red is passion, red is life, and you can associate things like that with your red room if you want. its like a venn diagram. things you associate with red on the left, things you associate with the emotion on the right, and the things they have in common can be used to construct the imagery of the emotion colour switch room.

then you can just chant red red red in your mind and you think of the blush on the fair maidens cheek as her knight comes to rescue her. you can think of a scarlet dress dazzling everyone in the room, but the wearer only has eyes for one man. you can think of lipstick stain against a collar.

you can associate any emotion with any colour. my process was:

pick a colour

pick an emotion/facial expression

picture a small room in your mind

fill that room with things or imagery that match your emotion or expression

be as specific or as generic as you want

you can have a green room dedicated to irritation or envy or just the loose feeling that youre not completely happy. the reasoning can be just bc you thought of the phrase “green with envy” and thought itd be neat. green can be a mother experiencing the joy of holding her child for the first time because green=nature=nurturing=mother.

establish a connection with that colour. fill out your room and create the keyword to get in. im very unoriginal so my keyword was just chanting the colour name over and over in my head. if i say blue enough times i get sad, even if i dont picture the room bc my mind has formed a link to that state of being. and i can break away without much trouble bc the connection is just on the surface.

colour switch is hair chalk. reliving memories is hair dye. at the end of the day, both of them colour hair. but you can wipe off the hair chalk w relative ease but a thorough hair dye that produces vibrant colours cant easily be removed, even when you want to switch to a different colour, or maybe even lose the dye completely.

i would recommend picking an emotion or expression that youre not good at portraying, but dont struggle with as much for your first room. i am not good at expressing sadness, but im worst at expressing upset or anger. so when i first started my colour switch mindset room, i started with sadness. it helps me express an emotion that im not particularly good at expressing, while still being relatively easy for me to get the hang of. maybe try for the second or third worst emotion you express, build a room to channel that emotion, and establish your connection.

make it a well-tread path, essentially. first few times are gon be difficult, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. all i need now to fake-cry is picturing the blue room, saying blue a bunch of times, and making a face. then i cry. completely fake and not damaging to my health.

i hope this makes sense for you. if it doesnt, feel free to send in an ask with more detailed questions abt the parts youre confused about or anything else. same goes for anyone who happens to read this that has an interest in theatre. id rather answer a dozen asks of the same question than have any of yall do something so harmful to your mental health. if anything was at all confusing, please feel free to tell me and ill gladly clarify some more. stay safe and take care of yourselves. and to the anon who asked, i hope your play goes well

Queerly Beloved

Author: SmilesAwakeYou

Year: 2009

Rating: PG-13

Characters: Garth Marenghi, Dean Learner, Todd Rivers, Dr. Rick Dagless, Lucien Sanchez, Liz Asher, Thornton Reed, Julian OC, Noel OC

Adjusting his tie and shifting the book in his hand, Garth regarded the camera aimed at his handsome face. He raised a brow and opened the pages of Blood Gush to read the genius that lied therein. Mustering all of his strength, he tried to think of what exactly it was he was trying to convey to the camera. What did newscasters call it again? Ah yes. Gravity. So, with all the gravity he could muster, he stared the camera down as inspired words tumbled from his lips. “’Ah,’ she yelled, clawing at the bloody stump that was once her beautiful pearly alabaster arm. ‘My arm, my bloody arm, what have you done with it you ruddy bastard?’ “’Eaten it, of course,’ replied the rabid magical badger who was still noshing on the bloody vestiges of her once beautiful appendage. With that, she kicked ‘im in the head so hard, his eyeballs popped out and exploded like two water balloons full of cream getting hit by a lorry.’” Turning his full attention back to the camera, Garth arched his eyebrow once more. “Hello. That was my terrifying and harrowing epic Blood Gush, a tale of a woman caught in a lie betwixt herself and a satanic cult of terrifying woodland animals.” He allowed a small smile to flit across his face. “Let’s see if you can muster up the courage to travel alone in the woods again after reading that bit of literature.” He killed the smile as a sudden burst of gravity hit him, causing him to scowl. “In my television program, Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace, I sought to venture into the deepest, darkest, most dankest vestibules of my twisted psyche. What were my fears? What were my terrors? What had made me most whiz the bed as a kid? “As I answered those and many other unanswerable questions, I came to realize that the horror I had to spill upon the unsuspecting world would leave her crippled, mangled, like a bird that’s run into a closed window because it’s so stupid it can’t see that it’s glass and then leaves a streak of blood there that I’ve then got to go and clean up because my wife’s too squeamish, even though Sheffield United is playing. Because of this, Darkplace was canceled. That and the Beeb found out it had more stock footage of baby animals than it had originally thought, leading to the premiere of Baby Animals Yawning Are Quite Cute, Yeah? now entering its 25th season. “Anyway, as I questioned and pondered and schemed and was generally brilliant, I came up with an episode so mind-shakingly and bowl-movingly earth-shattering that it was never allowed on air… much like the other six episodes. Of course, it dealt with very sensitive issues and, with the help of my producer Dean Learner” – a picture of Dean and Garth flashed across the screen, both of them looking dapper as Dean stroked his glorious moustache – “we wrote what proved to be the most harrowing episode yet. An episode that dealt with… the Gay Issue.” Garth paused, waiting for such a monumentous statement to really sink in and stick to his viewers’ sides. “So join me now and sift through the demented horrors from my brain as this episode, previously unaired on British television, is seen for the first time. Unless you’re from Finland. They got a hold of it there somehow. We may be suing.” ******* CUE OPENING CREDITS EPISODE #7: “QUEERLY BELOVED” DR RICK DAGLESS, MD walks down a hallway in slow motion. Various hospital goers look on in impressed wonderment. He is truly a great man, as is evident from his walking prowess. DAGLESS [voiceover] Darkplace. It’s a bit mad to work in a place this dark. All this mad darkness can get to a lesser man. Sometimes I think I might just have to blow this popsicle stand and go somewhere a bit less mad and dark. LIZ and SANCHEZ walk by, waving merrily. But, hey, they people here ain’t so bad. Plus, were I to leave everything would go to shit. Cut to THORNTON’s office. THORNTON is sitting at the desk, smoking a cigar and stroking his moustache. DAGLESS [voiceover] Thornton Reed. Now there’s a mangy old grizzly bear if I’ve ever seen one. Which I haven’t but I have seen specials on the Beeb and they are quite impressive. Anyway, Thornton had called me in to discuss some very important business which was business as usual, given the fact that I was his official important-business go-to guy. DAGLESS So, what’s the word, Thornton? THORNTON Puts down his phone Oh, Dag! I cannot believe how mad and dark this place is. So mad and dark! If you were to leave, everything would go to shit. DAGLESS [voiceover] See? DAGLESS Well what dark madness is afoot today? THORNTON Well, you see, there’s some mess happening with one of our morticians. Turns out he’s gone missing! DAGLESS Missing you say? THORNTON Yes. DAGLESS Well, that’s no good. Probably off fucking about with one of the cadavers. THORNTON Laughs heartily before looking deadly serious. Now Dag, dead bodies aren’t something to joke about. Especially since all the cadavers are male! Necrophilia is one thing but gay necrophilia is a horse of a different color. Specifically all the colors… meaning a rainbow-painted horse. A gay, rainbow-painted, dead horse. DAGLESS Gives a manly laugh. If that’s one thing I can’t abide by, it’s anal sex with dead bodies. SANCHEZ and LIZ enter SANCHEZ What’s Rick talking about? His normal Friday night? LIZ Now come on fellas, there’s a lady present. DAGLESS Hardly! Everyone laughs at the hilarious joke. LIZ Still laughing. Oh, I find it so attractive when men put me in my place! THORNTON Striking his desk with resolve. Now now. Let’s come to order. As I was telling Rick, there’s a small order of business concerning a missing mortician. DAGLESS Necrophiliac you mean. Everyone laughs. THORNTON Now Dag, while I too find the prospect of a man getting his jollies by do the genital jamboree with some dead sod downright hilarious, we still need to figure out just where in the Dickens he might have got to. LIZ Is it possible he might have gone home? THORNTON Trust a woman to come up with such a stupidly hair-brained idea. He shakes his head. No, Liz, he hasn’t gone home because he CAN’T go home. He sleeps here. Prefers to, actually. Plus he’s contractually obligated. All the morticians are. Can’t have them running about, giving away secrets of the dead to just anyone. SANCHEZ Well where could he have got to? DAGLESS I don’t know. But wherever he’s got, we’ll find him. I think we should start in the basement. THORNTON Right, you three go down there to the morgue and I will stay here and make sure he’s not skulking about in the proper hospital. DAGLESS Sounds like a plan. ********* INTERVIEW WITH DEAN LEARNER Dean, his mustache twitching thoughtfully, gave the camera a baleful look. “Now, when Garth came to me with this idea, I thought he was downright mad. A whole episode about the gays? Preposterous! But then he sat me down and actually talked out the plot with me and, well, I’ll be diddled with a fiddle stick if it wasn’t downright brilliant.” INTERVIEW WITH GARTH MARENGHI Arching an eyebrow, Garth regarded the camera. “Now, you might find it interesting to know that we actually created more of a stink with our talk about morticians than the homos. Surprising, that. Turns out morticians are very easily offended. It’s not our fault that their jobs almost invariably involve bumming the dead.” INTERVIEW WITH TODD RIVERS Todd, shifting in his chair, steepled his fingers as he contemplated the camera. “Well, yes, when Garth told me about the subject matter of this episode, I was duly alarmed but it is my duty as an actor to overcome all obstacles, no matter how gay. Actually, the thing I ended up taking issue with the most was all that bad-talking about morticians. I got an advanced copy of the script and told Garth, ‘Hey now! What have you got against morticians?’ You see, my grandfather worked in a morgue and I remember many a happy childhood day spent romping about, putting make-up on corpses and coming home smelling of grandma’s pie and formaldehyde. But Garth stuck to his guns and, yes, I think the episode benefited from it in the end.” ******* Cut to the basement. It is dreary and dripping noises sound from all around. DAGLESS [voiceover] Now this was certainly an odd case. Morticians are notorious for being boring and not having much of a life, so where could this one have disappeared to? It was quite a mystery indeed. SANCHEZ Oh, hey now, what was that? LIZ I didn’t hear anything. DAGLESS That means absolutely jack shit, Liz. It’s a well-known fact that men have a superior sense of hearing to women. What did it sound like, Sanch? SANCHEZ It sounded like a distant moaning. DAGLESS A distant moaning? SANCHEZ Yes. DAGLESS My, that is odd. LIZ Perhaps we should go down to the morgue? DAGLESS My God, Liz, no one likes a pushy woman. But perhaps you’re right. LIZ I’m sorry, Rick, that was out of line. DAGLESS It’s alright. There’s a wailing noise, like man mourning the loss of a child. Or that of a wounded monkey. SANCHEZ Hey now, what could that be? LIZ It sounds like it’s coming from the morgue. DAGLESS Only one thing to do then. Let’s go! They all begin to run in slow motion. Cut to MORGUE. DENNIS THE MORTICIAN pulls up his pants and whirls around. DENNIS Oh, Dr. Dagless. Other doctors. I didn’t hear you coming. SANCHEZ Well, you seem like you were too busy doing some “coming” yourself. DENNIS His small eyes dart about like a shrimp. I was just changing my pants. DAGLESS Right, well, we’re not here to discuss your disgusting habits. We came here to discuss a missing mortician. DENNIS Oh, you mean Maurice? Yes, he’s been missing since this morning. DAGLESS Any idea where he could’ve got to? DENNIS No. Not one. Though he did say that one of the bodies was behaving… strangely. Everyone exchanges a look. SANCHEZ Strangely, you say? DENNIS Yes. Strangely. Then he buggered off. Suddenly, the moaning noise is heard again. SANCHEZ Sweet holy moley, Dag, what was that? DAGLESS I dunno, but it’s sending chills right up the old spine chord. LIZ Perhaps we should go investigate? DAGLESS You and your bright ideas, Liz. The moaning continues. But perhaps this once you’re right…. Again. SANCHEZ Pulls out his pistol. C’mon lads! And lady. Let’s go find us a mortician! DAGLESS, LIZ, SANCHEZ and DENNIS all take off, running in glorious slow motion with intense music drumming in the background. They enter a small, dark room with candles and spiderwebs everywhere. DAGLESS [voiceover] As soon as we entered the room, I knew something was afoot. This was some bad joojoo. SANCHEZ I don’t feel good about this, Dag. DAGLESS I know. I know. DENNIS whips around and points to a corner. DENNIS Oh God! What is that? LIZ shrieks. LIZ Oh my, how horrible! A man with fantastic hair lurches forward, flinging out his arms and doing jazz hands in a sparkly red jumpsuit before grabbing SANCHEZ as his gun goes off. SANCHEZ and the man grapple and wrestle until DAGLESS jumps in to pull them apart. Throwing the man off of SANCHEZ, he pulls a cross out of his shirt. DAGLESS Be gone, foul creature! The man hisses and sashays away. DENNIS My God, that was Maurice! DAGLESS It’s too late now. You’re friend has become a vampire. A demon of the night. Nosferatu. LIZ Oh my! How could such a thing happen? DAGLESS Well, when you’re messing about with dead bodies all day, it’s no wonder that a vampire might sneak its way in. Turns to SANCHEZ. You alright? You’re holding your neck. SANCHEZ Holding his neck. Oh, I do believe I’ll be alright, old friend. He falls to his knees. But I think I also got bitten. He falls completely on the floor. DAGLESS drops to his knees and rips open his shirt. DAGLESS Nooooooo!! SANCHEZ picks his head up. SANCHEZ Well, I don’t think I’m dead yet, so you might still be able to save me. His head falls to the floor again. DAGLESS Oh. Alright. ******** INTERVIEW WITH DEAN LEARNER “People actually seemed surprised that Garth and I wrote this episode together. To be fair, it was Garth’s concept to begin with. But then I got in on the action which some people – i.e. my wife - found rather suspect. I mean, what’s so strange about two men researching an episode about gayness by going to pubs that cater almost exclusively to homosexuals? Sure, the experience was disgusting, but it was also educational.” He paused. “And hazy.” ****** Cut to a hospital bed where SANCHEZ is lying down, a bandage around his neck. SANCHEZ Thanks for dragging me out of that hell hole, friends. DAGLESS Not a problem, mate. I know you’d do the same for me. DAGLESS [voiceover] The problem was that we didn’t know when the vampirism would manifest itself. Or how. LIZ Don’t worry, Sanchez. You’ll be good as new soon. SANCHEZ Thanks, Liz. DAGLESS turns to DENNIS. DAGLESS Now you: go and try and find out where Maurice or whatever’s left of him could’ve disappeared to. I’ve got to go talk to Reed. Cut to THORNTON’S office. THORNTON Pounding his desk authoritatively. I don’t like it, Dag, I don’t like it one bit. A vampire? In this hospital? Now that is just a pain in my arse. And neck. DAGLESS I don’t like it much either, Reed. Not at all. And there was something a bit off with this vampire. He was a bit… fabulous. THORNTON Fabulous? What in God’s great glorious manteats do you mean by that? DAGLESS …I don’t know, Reed. I just don’t know. DAGLESS [voiceover] But I did know. Or at least, I had an inkling. I suspected that this vampire might be the rare kind… the campy kind. A gay vampire. ******* INTERVIEW WITH DEAN LEARNER “It was actually my idea to make it be vampires that would spread the gayness. Because, you know, gayness – just like vampirism – is spread through the blood.” He glanced over behind the camera to where the producer was shaking his head. “Oh, it isn’t? Well, anyway, that’s what we thought at the time. I originally wanted to call the vampires ‘campires’ – get it? Campy vampires? – but Garth didn’t get it and I thought… it Garth doesn’t get it, who in blue blazes will? So we chucked it. Best decision I’ve ever made.” INTERVIEW WITH GARTH MARENGHI Garth regarded the camera with an annoyed look. “We ended up running into a bit of a problem with the gay community given the fact that the gayness could be transmitted through the blood. Something about AIDS or some bollocks. So I just said, ‘look, I don’t get all uppity when one of you tries to play it straight, alright? So don’t get in my face when I try and give you people some airtime.’” He smirked and settled back in his chair. “And that ended that argument.” He paused. “Although we weren’t allowed to air the episode. But that’s neither here nor there.” ******* Cut to SANCHEZ’s bedside. He is unconscious and DAGLESS sits beside him, looking manly and concerned. DAGLESS [voiceover] I was worried about Sanchez. Would he be turned gay? Or would he just become a vampire? I wasn’t sure which was worst. Sure, getting my blood sucked out by my best friend was bad enough but getting chatted up by him as well? That was just bone-chilling. SANCHEZ stirs. DAGLESS Can you hear me buddy? It’s your friend, Dag. Just know that I won’t rest until you’re back to normal. Of course, I might also have to give you a stake through the heart but, well, that’s something I’d be willing to do to save you. SANCHEZ In a faint voice. …Dag? DAGLESS moves in closer. DAGLESS Yeah, mate? SANCHEZ I… I feel strange… like… like someone’s doing the electric boogaloo in my Johnson… I’ve got the strange urge to… to dance to ABBA… DAGLESS Shh, it’s ok old friend. SANCHEZ I… I think I might fancy… Boy George… DAGLESS Fight it, Sanch, fight it! SANCHEZ I… Dag? DAGLESS Yeah? SANCHEZ What am I wearing? With that he pulls down his sheets to reveal that he is wearing cut-off jean shorts and a bedazzled silver top as well as a kerchief. His eyes have also gone red and vampire fangs appear. DAGLESS raises an anguished fist. DAGLESS Nooooo! THORNTON and LIZ burst in as SANCHEZ prances up to try and bite DAGLESS. They struggle until DAGLESS gets out his cross again, throwing the transformed SANCHEZ off of him. SANCHEZ cowers in glorious slow motion. SANCHEZ Waaaaargh! ******** INTERVIEW WITH TODD RIVERS Todd crinkled his forehead, his fingers still steepled. “Uh, in that scene I was actually meant to kiss Dagless rather fervently on the mouth. But, as I’ve stated in previous interviews, there’s no limit to my acting… save when it comes to making whoopee with another man. Because while I may be a professional, I’m still straighter than two jockstraps filled with testosterone. And me trying to do the tongue tango with a bloke, well… it just wouldn’t be convincing. Even if I acted my ruddy pants off.” ********* The fighting continues until SANCHEZ is thrown off DAGLESS, causing him to lash out at both LIZ and THORNTON. DAGLESS Get away from them you animal! But it is for naught because both LIZ and THORNTON are bitten. THORNTON Oh, oh ow! That ruddy hurts, it does! LIZ Oh, I do believe I have been wounded! SANCHEZ pauses before running out and DAGLESS goes to the doorway. DAGLESS I will find you and get you! LIZ and THORNTON both fall to the floor. Oh no! Liz! Reed! He looks to the sky. Noooooooo! Sanchez! You gay bastard! Dennis bursts in. DENNIS Dagless! I believe I found out who the root of the problem is! He looks around. What happened here? DAGLESS They got bitten by Sanchez. I’ve got to go stop him before he bites anyone else. DENNIS But wait! You know that body that Maurice had said was behaving strangely? DAGLESS Yes? DENNIS Turns out he’s the head vampire! Only he, uh, bit me too. He continues to look unharmed. DAGLESS looks him up and down. DAGLESS Where? DENNIS shifts uncomfortably before gesturing to his bathing suit area. Ah. Well, where is this vampirical bummer? DENNIS Downstairs. Hurry! DAGLESS runs out of the door. Cut to the basement again. It is still dark and dank and drippy. DAGLESS is running through the halls in slow motion. DAGLESS [voiceover] Now this was worrisome. The head vampire? Here? In this very basement? That was quite the head scratcher. Why here? Why Darkplace? Why Sanchez? This bastard was going to answer those questions. And more. DAGLESS enters the cave-like room that MAURICE was in before. There is a man standing there in a purple cape with his back to DAGLESS. DAGLESS Oi! You! The vampire turns around. He has on sparkly gloves and a pink fedora. He hisses. VAMPIRE How did you find me, lovie? DAGLESS By my own wits. That and Dennis told me you were down here. VAMPIRE Really? He didn’t seem to mind me too much before. DAGLESS Scowls in disgust. Hey, what you do in the privacy of your own home is your business. Except for when you’re at my hospital. The VAMPIRE starts to advance but DAGLESS whips out his cross again, stopping him in his tracks. Nope, not so fast. Now tell me… why are you here? VAMPIRE Very well. I can tell your will as well as your heterosexuality is too strong for me to sway. He sweeps his cloak and walks around the room, DAGLESS mirroring him. I came to this hospital by accident – I had been hiding out after wreaking havoc on a naval yard by posing as a dead body – and couldn’t help but bite that pretty Maurice when I saw him. Now that I’ve seen this place, I’ve realized that the hostpital is no place for a woman… it is a place for big, beautiful, capable men doctors. And I love it! Not even you can stop me from making this into one big poof factory! Because that is the goal of the gay vampire: MAKE EVERYONE ELSE GAY! DAGLESS I can stop you and I will stop you! Just you wait! The VAMPIRE cackles before disappearing in a plume of smoke, leaving DAGLESS alone and coughing. The others! DAGLESS dashes out of the cave. ******** INTERVIEW WITH GARTH MARENGHI “Now, there were accusations that this episode was homophobic.” Garth scoffed, leaning forward to regard the camera. “So, yeah, maybe I do find bumming grotesque, but this episode is about awareness, yeah? To show that homos are people too. Or rather anyone can be gay.” He thought for a moment. “Or a vampire.” INTERVIEW WITH DEAN LEARNER “Yeah, I heard lots of things, right, like ‘oh, you’re perpetuating the stereotype that gay is contagious’ but no!” Dean pointed a decisive finger at the camera. “No. We were trying to show that it’s not contagious.” He paused, stroking his moustache. “Lest of course you exchange bodily fluids. Big difference.” ****** Cut to THORNTON’s office. SANCHEZ and THORNTON are dancing to loud techno music while DENNIS and MAURICE throw satsumas at each other in their underwear and giggle. THORNTON is dressed only in a mesh shirt and a banana hammock. Everyone has fangs. DAGLESS bursts in, breathless. DAGLESS No! No men! Remember you’re men, not poofs! Everyone ignores him. SANCHEZ runs his fingers through THORNTON’s hair and grinds against him. ****** INTERVIEW WITH TODD RIVERS Todd’s hands fell into his lap and he shifted, avoiding the camera lens with his eyes. “Yeah, I don’t actually remember filming that scene.” ********* DAGLESS Turn off the techno! Put on your pants! Stop with the glitter! The VAMPIRE enters in a cloud of smoke, laughing. VAMPIRE All are powerless to the draw of manflesh! He outstretches his hand, flashing his fangs at DAGLESS. Join us, Rick! Join usssss. DAGLESS Never! At that moment, LIZ enters. Her arm is wrapped around another very attractive nurse. LIZ Hi, Dag. So you found the head vampire? DAGLESS nods. Oh, well, I’m a lesbian now. This is Nancy. NANCY Hi! LIZ Isn’t she adorable? DAGLESS Er… LIZ and NANCY begin to snog. It is very hot. Everyone stops dancing to stare at them. MAURICE drops a satsuma. VAMPIRE What? Why did you stop dancing? Keep going! Grind on each other! DAGLESS laughs a manly laugh. DAGLESS You forgot, vampire, the only thing a heterosexual man can never forget: that lesbians are HOT. VAMPIRE Nooooo! DAGLESS And now, for your weakness… He pulls out a wooden stake. Stake to the heart! At that, he thrusts the stake into the VAMPIRE’s heart. He shrieks and disappears. The techno music turns off and everyone goes back to wearing their normal clothes save MAURICE, who stays in the red jumpsuit. LIZ and NANCY stop making out, causing everyone to groan. SANCHEZ Come on, Liz! Don’t stop now! LIZ Sorry fellas, I’m back on men. SANCHEZ Hey-o! LIZ …Except for Sanchez. SANCHEZ …Hey! THORNTON Thank Christ on a cracker for you Dag! I was actually beginning to think Duran Duran was a stellar band! And Sanchez’ pecs were driving me absolutely nutty. SANCHEZ Thanks, Reed. But thank you more, Dag. Without you, we all would have been bumming within the hour. MAURICE Yeah, thanks for saving us! DAGLESS Don’t mention it. Just remember to be more careful when you muck about with those dead bodies from now on, ok? DENNIS Will do. Now we need to get back downstairs to those cadavers. DAGLESS And your necrophilia! Everyone laughs for a good two minutes. MAURICE Alright, thanks again! MAURICE and DENNIS begin to leave, holding hands. SANCHEZ Um, you fellows do know you don’t need to do that anymore right? They exchange a look and drop their hands. DENNIS Right, yes, sure, it’s a… a mortician thing. THORNTON Right… or a gay thing! Everyone laughs again as the camera pans to look at each of their mirthful faces. Cut to the roof of Darkplace. DAGLESS is standing, solitary, overlooking the city below. DAGLESS [voiceover] That day we dealt with vampires, sparkly shirts, gays and, most importantly, the hotness that is two women snogging each other. What did we learn? Was there a point to it all? Had that mortician really been boning a dead body? Was there a reason why that other mortician had been dressed like a very tarty woman? Did Liz have any lingering bisexual tendencies? These and other questions had to be pondered. But for now, we were all a little bit older, a little bit wiser and a little bit more wary about going into the basement. ********** INTERVIEW WITH DEAN LEARNER Dean shifted in his chair, cocking his head and lighting a cigar. “Sure, so maybe the focus groups didn’t go wild for the episode but I thought it was a hell of a success.” He paused, looking wistful and taking a puff. “I just didn’t see why my wife felt the need to use it as evidence during our divorce.” INTERVIEW WITH GARTH MARENGHI Garth leaned back in his chair, an earnest look on his face. “So, as you can see, there was absolutely no homophobia in this episode. Only truth. And two hot women getting it on. So, really, the gays didn’t need to get all up in arms about it. And the guy who played the Vampire? Absolutely did not need to sue us. I mean, how was I to know he was actually gay? You should really warn people about that before they accidentally make jokes about poofters and shirt-lifters in front of you, expecting you to laugh.” Garth regarded the camera with utmost seriousness. “It’s just common courtesy.” CUE END CREDITS

all the questions in @ohsua‘s ask thing! this was really hard and i put more effort into some questions than others, but it was fun! putting it under a Read More cause it got reaaaaally long

What's your favourite title track?

piri! probably anyway. possibly what?

Sleep-walking or Silent Night?

sleepwalking personally, though i like both

Favourite teaser image for The Tree Of Language so far?

uhhhhhhh hmmm. im not sure, maybe dami? or siyeon? from the first round?

Favourite choreography? If you can, explain why

i dont really have an easy answer cause i’d have to watch them all again but the first one that comes to mind is piri. i cant really explain why though lol, i just think its cool to watch

Favourite cover?

tbh i havent heard a lot of their covers, oops

Favourite album?

hmmmmmmm. maybe prequel? or raid of dream? prequel has wake up and sleepwalking though... hmm

Who's your bias?

it was dami forever, and then now it’s jiu, though dami might be bias wrecking me lmao. bias unwrecking? rebiasing?

What's your favourite mv?

oh hmmmm... you know i love piri but honestly that music video is not one of my favorites. i think i’m leaning towards you and i or good night here. i love the scene where the ghost hunter dude’s room is exploding cause i guess the members are messing with shit on the other side of the mirror or whatever, but there’s just a shot of the dude and it’s slowly zooming out as stacks of paper and books and stuff go flying, it’s great. digipedi always makes fantastic videos

What concept would you like to see?

i have so many answers to this that idk if i can choose lol. anything lol, anything. they could do anything. i dont want them to lose the spirit of their concept and sound, but there are infinite directions they could take their concept without losing that spirit. 

Mayday or Wake Up?

wake up dude are you kidding me? i also just um... dont really remember mayday. i’ve heard it but i dont remember right now... wake up is great though

Deja Vu or Piri?

piri! i love deja vu though. piri was the song that got me into them and deja vu was my first comeback with them, so i have an attachment to both, but i would have to say piri, yeah

Who's your favourite vocalist? Rank the members from favourite to least favourite

oh shit really? uhh idk if i can do that but... i mean i gotta say siyeon right? her voice *is* dreamcatcher to me. her voice defines their sound more than anything else, even more than their rock concept. like for real, her voice is more integral to the feel of a dreamcatcher song than the guitars or sort of dark vibe. well, her voice brings the dark vibe a lot of the time, honestly. after that i’d say jiu cause her voice is the total opposite, she has the voice you would least associate with a concept like this, but that serves to add a lot of range to their sound too. her voice is so vividly bright and cheerful... so, dreamcatcher’s dark concepts are defined by siyeon for me, and dreamcatcher’s lively personality and energy onstage and offstage are defined by jiu for me. those first lines of “wake up”? iconic, full of energy, aaaaaa i love her. after that i guess i’d say yoohyeon cause she’s the lead vocalist lol. and then... about the same for the rest. i dont have an order from then on. they’re one of the groups where i think it’s the easiest to tell which member is singing just from audio alone, all seven of them have distinct vocal characters. the only two that i sometimes mix up (again, just based on audio only) are sua and gahyeon. or dami when she sings lol

Did you get to see them live? If yes what's your favourite memory & is there a song you enjoyed on the concert way more than you expected?

noooo i didnt get to :( if they ever come back around though i will move heaven and earth to get there

Dreamcatcher Notes or Vlogs

i tend to watch dreamcatcher notes more because there’s more going on a lot of the time, cause they’re like behind the scenes stuff. also.... there are some members whose vlogs im more likely to watch right away than others lol... though im working my way through all of them little by little so i’ll see all of them eventually. if jiu posts a vlog it’s immediate haha i’m on it immediately

What’s your favourite era of each member?

oh wow okay this is a hard one... here goes!

jiu - already we’ve hit a really difficult one lmao. does blue/purple Jiu count since it was technically post-deja vu? i guess purple is now gonna be immortalized in their new comeback huh? i think actually i’ll say fly high. i think that’s the obvious choice but... idk, she doesnt have a bad era lol

sua - hmmm.... im having trouble remembering which eras were which for certain members... i know she had reddish purplish hair for piri right? i cant remember some of them though... like she didnt have as many drastically different looks as someone like siyeon or dami. maybe i’ll say good night though, purely because of her rap haha. EDIT: oh shit i looked at photos from the eras after all, and oh my god i forgot about you and i... nevermind lol scratch that, it’s you and i. those designs she had in her hair were super cool

siyeon - deja vu, specifically the part where she had short blue hair. amazing. flawless. legendary. stories will be told of those days

handong - her ‘what’ era is probably her most popular, but actually im gonna say deja vu. i liked her short blonde hair, it looks really good on her. the first thing that came to mind is her with that hair and those purple/black deja vu outfits... im thinking of some photos from some fansigns... yeah. 

yoohyeon - deja vu again lol, sorry about the recency bias haha. this is the era she viciously and savagely bias wrecked me. especially during those fanmeetings where she had a ponytail and was wearing a suit... oh my god lol she knew exactly what she was doing. they all know exactly how good they look in suits and they subject us to it as often as they can lol. her grey hair during you and i is iconic too, and the red she had during good night... but i think im gonna stick with my answer

dami - piri!!!!!!! oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh my god??? oh my god!!!! especially post-piri with her black hair??? fucuuucuckckckckckkckkkkkk dude she’s so handsome i could CRY. this current era we’re about to get is looking like a gamechanger too though... her hair’s kinda wavy and that look on her face in that first teaser... and her floral shirt... damn dude. honorable mention to you and i cause of the baton trick she’s famous for lol

gahyeon - now with gahyeon its actually pretty hard for me to say, she has had the same or similar hair in every comeback pretty much, right? hmmm. the things that immediately come to mind are good night and piri and i’m not sure why. actually i might be thinking of chase me? OH NEVERMIND okay i caved and i looked at photos from different eras and i forgot that she had green in her hair during fly high, okay yeah nevermind lol it’s fly high

What do you hope to see on their albums in the future?

what do you mean? like in terms of types of songs? uhhh.. idk.. most of the stuff i would say to this is stuff that i have no doubt will actually come. i want more bangers like piri and what, i want more edm stuff like sleepwalking and silent night, but yeah i’m sure we’ll get that. i guess what i’ll say is... more songs with involvement from the members. either in terms of composition or even just lyrics. though i like the composers and lyricists they have a lot! i’ll also say if nothing else, then a song choreographed at least in part by the members would be amazing. idk if it’ll happen for a title track, but if sua choreographs one of their edm bsides or something, and they perform it live on music shows, fuck...

What would you say to each member if you didn't have to worry about a time limit?

each member individually??? that’s too time consuming woirjgeoiwrgew but i do have individual answers for all of them probably lol. especially yoohyeon, i wanna talk to her about languages. i’ll just say to all of them how much i appreciate them and how they arent boxed in by typical idol conventions, but they also arent boxed in as outside them either. like, they’re not an anti-kpop-group, they’re not the complete antithesis, they like being a kpop group and they like other kpop groups so they would never want to be that. i like how much fun they have, i like how close they are, i like how they treat their fans, i think if the fandom did something really awful or went too far i like to think they would feel comfortable letting us know. hopefully, anyway. more than most other kpop groups i’m aware of, it’s easy to find them in videos and vlives and stuff not being totally in idol-mode and just being people, and friends with their members. im not criticizing other groups, cause if i was in their position, i think i would have a hard time not being “on” when on camera, even if it’s just a vlive. maybe it’s because they’ve known each other for a lot longer than a lot of other current-gen groups, and they’re older than many of their current-gen peers too. they feel very earnest, they’re not trying to hide. im sure there are aspects to them that we dont know about and will never know about, and i hope that’s the case cause i hope they’re able to maintain some privacy in this job, but it’s not hard to tell when someone is being genuine and when someone isn’t, and i get a very genuine vibe from them a lot of the time. i’m glad they are who they are, they’re really influential and inspirational to me.  i.... also might wanna mention their support for lgbt people, though i would want to talk to them about that in private because it’s personal for me and risky for them and i know how shitty that situation is, especially since i know that they care and would be a lot more vocal if they could be. and they’re one of the most vocal groups about it already! i just want to thank them.

Is there a song you think is underappreciated?

hmmm. i’m not really sure which are and which arent, i actually think insomnias do a good job appreciating everything haha. 

Rank Breaking Out, You and I, Fly High, What and Deja Vu from favourite to least favourite

oof okay, i guess this is the Controversial Opinion Time huh?

What (i guess this is a controversial song? is it? it’s one of my favorites, number 1 or number 2, so idk lol)

Fly High

Deja Vu

You and I

Breaking Out

Let's say you are forced to choose a title track that gets erased from existence so that the rest can stay, which one do you pick? i'm sorry

does this count jp ones? cause.... im not into breaking out... sorry... i think i would say.... idk.... my least favorite main title track was still a big moment for them and had great moments in the choreo.... i dont know if i would want to erase it fully.... iojdoikoldofbm i feel like the one you could erase the easiest, and that wouldnt change their history all that much, would be What... but i love What... lmao idk... at one point i would have said Fly High but it grew on me a lot and i think it was necessary for them at that point. i also love it for the lore haha. so im sorry i dont have an answer.... unless breaking out counts oijwefmgodlr,rfl;kfd

Full Moon or Over The Sky?

i only got into both songs fairly recently, for whatever reason i hadnt heard full moon for a long time, and when the over the sky special clip came out i decided that i didnt like the song at all but i just listened to it not that long ago and was surprised at how much i liked it, so actually i dont hate either song lol. still, i’ll say full moon

Choose between their Taemin covers: Move or Sayonara Hitori

oh uh i havent heard/watched these ioerokgopdrgkdh. i hadnt even heard Move until like two weeks ago. oops. i guess i should watch their cover huh? tbh i didnt even know they did that lol im bad at this

Who do you wish they could collab with?

lol i would love to say loona because theyre my other ult but actually im gonna say ateez. they have so much in common! they have the same producers for all their title tracks, theyre both very choreo-focused, they both are very concept-heavy... i would love some sort of crossover thing. imagine a 15 member crossover EP or something... the pirates meeting the nightmares... or whatever each of their new concepts are gonna be... damn. again this would go over extremely well musically too, cause Ollounder could just try to combine his styles for his two groups lol

Who first caught your eyes and why?

dami obviously, i’m only human

Trap or Diamond?

diamond i guess, i dont really listen to either of these that often

Pick 3 members for your zombie apocalypse squad

sua cause she could beat people up, siyeon cause she could beat people up, yoohyeon cause she’s a clumsy mess and we would need a challenge

Blonde Siyeon or Blue haired Siyeon

blue!!!! but only by a bit

Favourite dancer?

theyre all so good, they all could be the main dancer for any other group. sua is considered their main dancer, but idk, any of them could be. maybe i’ll say jiu?

If the next album features lyrics by one (or more) of the members, who do you hope it is this time?

only one??? can i say all of them?

Do you hope for more vocalist Dami or would you rather see her rap?

both! idk lol. i want to see more rapping from sua and possibly siyeon too, so more vocalist dami could allow for that? but rapper dami is obviously more iconic

Sua's choreography for Copycat or Taki Taki?

taki taki i guess?

Favourite lyrics?

hmmmm..... i’d have to look deeply into this and i dont feel like doing that right now... i’ll just say that “pirireul bureora” is so catchy so in terms of catchiness of the lyric i’ll say that lol. i know that’s not what this question was asking though, i just dont have an answer

Are there any songs you hope one or more of the members cover?

oh wow uh... hmm. shine by pentagon lol

Favourite intro?

end of nightmare maybe? i like that it has the piri melody in it, and i like how the edm part melts your fucking face off. is that the most abrasive moment of any dc song? maybe?

Version E, V, I or L of The Tree Of Language?

oh idk, i dont really have a preference, sorry

Wonderland or And there was no one left?

er9iokgbiktwikpbherohtbkret i actually listen to these all the time and my answer goes back and forth. i’m gonna say wonderland right now

Favourite instrumental?

sleepwalking?

Vocalist Jiu or dancer Jiu?

haha idk, both? i mean i mostly listen to music and watch music videos, i dont watch as many performances, so i guess i’ll say vocalist?

Do you have a favourite ballad?

uhhhhh not really, im sorry

What are your 5 favourite pictures of your bias?

ah fuck, this question would be easy to do if i was answering this just based on someone sending them in... um... i’ll just reblog five real good ones in a row after this post... sorry lol....

What was the first song you heard?

piri! it came out a bit before i got into kpop, so it was still fairly new at the time anyway

How did you find out about them?

to be honest i dont even remember. did i just click on a thumbnail for piri that was in the related videos to some other kpop song? i dont remember... i might have heard that there was a rock based kpop group even before listening to it? i forget but i didnt like it at first lol. i thought it clashed really badly and it didnt appeal to my metal sensibilities. some parts stuck in my head though and i kept coming back and it was a guilty pleasure at first and then oops i fell in love and then oops it appeals to every sensibility i have now lol. though mostly i still like them more for their pop aspects than their rock/metal aspects. but anyway still, i dont remember how i first heard about them, i just remember the first time i listened to piri

What do you think about Handong being on Idol Producer and missing all of their activities? Do you think it's worth it?

sigh.... i mean, time will tell, right? i hope she does well enough that it gets them a lot of exposure, but... selfishly, i guess... i hope she doesnt become part of the final group because i want to see her back in dreamcatcher lol. we’ll see, and hopefully this is a good experience for her! i know things are weird right now cause of the virus outbreak... i havent been following the news but is it postponed or something? i think i heard that somewhere? or maybe i just saw speculation, idk

Vocalist Gahyeon or rapper Gahyeon?

either! she has a lot of potential with both

Yoohyeon's cover of Secret Love Song or 2002?

um.... okay..... this is me again being a bad insomnia, i dont think ive watched either of those iokgopprlgwephk

The no budget July 7th mv or the Curse of the Spider mv from the fanmeeting?

i havent seen the curse of the spider one woah, i didnt know that existed! and is the no budget july 7th mv different than the special clip one? i dont really like that song much so i wouldnt know geijrgpokprgwoephk

Chase Me or Good Night?

good night till the day i die lol. chase me is a phenomenal debut though and works better for that purpose than good night, and i love that the lyrics are about all the ways they haunt your dreams, but i love good night so much

Favourite Siyeon cover?

im not super knowledgeable again here im sorry :( is it cheating if i say overdose, mostly just by default?

Handong's pre chorus in Deja Vu or the bridge in Piri?

piri lol

What's your favourite bside from each album?

oh fuck okay hold on

uhhh i dont have one for Nightmare, it was just chase me, an intro, and one other song. is it cheating if i say the intro lol

same for Fall Asleep in the Mirror, i guess the intro

Prequel okay now we’re getting somewhere.... Wake Up or Sleepwalking.... fuck.... Sleepwalking is actually probably the song that really converted me into a fan cause its the first time i really heard their range. after listening to Piri and You and I and maybe Chase Me, i decided to just watch all their music videos in order, and the playlist i used included the special clip mvs too, so hearing Sleepwalking for the first time right after Fly High was wild, it blew me away and i listened to it like 8 times in a row haha. Wake Up has been rising up my rankings a ton recently but i think i still have to go with Sleepwalking

Escape the ERA.. hmm... Mayday? earlier i said ive only heard this song a bit and that’s true, i’m listening to it right now though. wow i dont remember this song at all haha, this is good what the fuck, how did i forget this? oops what the hell

Alone in the City FUCK this intro is so GOOD god DAMN. its short, it doesnt go that hard, but it makes you so tense and suspenseful. but my answer is Wonderland lol

for End of Nightmare it’s And There Was No One Left

for Raid of Dream it’s hard to choose again... Silent Night is probably by far the most popular pick for this, and i think Curse of the Spider is a little bit underrated, so my instinct to pick the unconventional pick makes me wanna choose it, but i just dont know if that’s true lol. i think i have to go with Silent Night

house/home

Ship: wilson and wilson at large warnings: exploration of trauma and PTSD, references to abuse note: this ended up being similar to the last thing i did, what started out as a simple headcanon exploration turned into an emotionally charged, rambling piece that at one point, turns into a story. it has not been proof read yet. 

                                  --------------------------------------------

slade and i discover pretty quickly after the move to vermont that simply packing my shit and taking care of any lingering obligations in florida i was tied too is not, in fact, the entire solution to my problems. 

which of course ties into the larger theme of our whole relationship at this point in that we’re both just constantly attempting to run away from our problems, our pasts, our trauma all while scolding each other and saying it doesn’t work like that. 

he finds i don’t get settled right away. or even within a few weeks or months. the vermont house, for all purposes, for the longest of time, is not my house. it is not my home. i quickly default back into the same mindset i have had my entire life, drilled and beaten into me since i was a child that if someone else has paid for it, if someone else has bought it, if someone else has acquired it and is allowing me to use it, 

it is not mine. it is theirs.

which of course, that’s not the mindset that slade is coming from. he picked the vermont house because it made the most sense logistically. it was already there, sitting and waiting. filled with belongings he could never fit in elsewhere, filled with dust, filled with ghosts of memories past. 

it made sense to use it. 

so when we finally arrive, both regretting the initial idea of turning the move into a road trip, my things are waiting in storage containers. two large ones, sitting in the driveway and blocking access to the detached garage. 

the house smells of pine and wood and must, having been shuttered up for so long. he comments that he can’t exactly remember the last time he was here, and he opens windows and adjusts the thermostat as he moves through. 

everything is decorated in warm colors and wood, brown furniture and carpeting, and old linoleum in the kitchen that has seen better days. it’s distinctly him, and his presence coats everything i touch, as if his absence has meant nothing. 

which it probably hasn’t. after all, a house is four walls and a roof and completely unconcerned with the on-goings inside it.

my things get moved in at an easy pace, boxes stacked out of the way in the basement while we try to figure out placement. 

slade jokes we’re both going to have to pick and choose on the books; my amount added to his exceeding the capacity. he comments something about adding more bookcases in his study, and he trails off when he mentions something about adeline always wanting that done years ago. 

there’s pictures of her in his study. her, and grant, and joey. more pictures of the three of them alone or together than there are of slade with them all. one in particular, that i find by accident stuffed behind a novel about Achilles, specifically has slade’s face cut out of it. i don’t ask. i don’t have to. 

over the next few weeks my presence adds to his. 

we have a fake argument about the two batman statues i have, me putting them on shelves in the living room only to find them in absurd places the next day. he puts one in the freezer, another in a garbage can. 

my small collection of novelty mugs makes it’s way into the kitchen, along of course, with my shot glasses. we decide to donate my coffee maker, as slade’s is bigger and still functional. 

at first we come to what seems like the logical conclusion that my bedroom items will go in his room; in the master bedroom. we put my bedframe in the basement, wrap the mattress for now and leave it leaning next to it. my sheet sets go in the closet, i add my pillows to his bed. 

my shampoo and my facial cleansers sit next to his in the bathroom, our toothbrushes resting in the holder. my cologne next to his. my clippers in the box under the cabinet, next to a tiered container holding make up. my nail polish nestles next to his beard trimmer. 

as the weeks go by, little by little i try to claim the offered spaces as my own. 

i wake up one day to find he’s changed the living room furniture, i’m not sure why, and he seems oddly evasive about it. he jokes something about one of the kids throwing a party once, someone leaving nasty stains. he always meant to replace it. 

he always meant to do a lot of things, he says. 

i realize we’re both being crushed by our own innate guilt, whether rational or not, and that all we’ve done is try to run away from it again. 

and of course, it hasn’t worked. it doesn’t work, it will never work, because you cannot run from these things. they are a train, and you cannot outrun a train. 

i find myself wide awake one night, the sound of him breathing softly and measured next to me, and i’m staring up in the dark at a still unfamiliar ceiling and i realize that nothing is right,

none of this is right, none of this fits. 

i am not, yet, accustomed to this new space. im unused to the noises of the house settling, the noises inside and out of it, and i lay there in the blinding dark desperately searching for something familiar to latch onto before i sink to the bottom 

and i find nothing. 

even his warm, solid form right next to me isn’t enough to tether me to the present and once again i’m overcome with the unalienable need to run. 

he finds me on the back porch hours later, having apparently rolled over and noticed my absence, half a pack of cigarettes butted in the ash tray next to me, another one trailing smoke into the sky from my hand. i am still not calm enough to speak, and knowing that i will have to feels like a vice on my chest.  

my mind races to prepare answers, the raging urge of self-preservation steering towards the right answers, and the correct answers, and the answers the other party wants to hear, and it is a habit i never foresee myself breaking. 

the entire time i am screaming at myself to stop because it’s not necessary and it is not appropriate. and logically, i know this. my brain acknowledges the commands yet tells me so sorry there’s nothing we can do to stop this, it’s a train after all. 

he picks out a cigarette of his own, gently pulling the lighter from between the fingers on my other hand. he sits down on the edge of my seat, to my right of course, always to my right and the side he can see from. he exhales a lungful of smoke and for a few moments, the questions don’t come. 

my brain stops misfiring, the synapses all seeming to come to a stop as they compare now to then and finally decide, yes 

yes we can stop now. 

yes, you were right, now is not the same as then. 

a semblance of control returns to my body as he reaches behind me to lean on the back of the chair. 

“where’d you go?” he asks, casually, simply. as if that’s the most logical question to ask, as if that makes perfect sense, and i almost want to scream

because it absolutely is.  

and yet, even still, “what?” is all i can choke out, and i know my attempt to cover it with a cough from the cigarette is as see through as glass, but i do it anyway.

“you went somewhere,” he says, tapping ash. his fingers trail up my back, coming to rest at the nape of my neck, his thumb rubbing circles against my hairline. 

“i...i don’t know,” i say, and i want to cry all over again because of how far away and how small i sound. 

“hm,” is all he responds with. he nudges me with a knee, and i slide over and allow him to sit fully. i stub out my cigarette and immediately reach for another one, and he flicks the lighter and doesn’t comment on the chain smoking and for several minutes we say nothing. 

i know he’s waiting on me to invite him in. to give a cue, a sign that yes i’m fine now and yes i will be fine and yes i will give you a new list of all my problems and you can find out how to fix them, because that’s what you constantly try to do, because that’s all you know how to do, even to the point of creating problems just so you can solve them.  

and i cannot give him that because i know deep, deep within the most choked off parts of myself that there are just things that cannot, will not be fixed. 

and they cannot be run from, either. 

but they can accommodated. they can be unearthed and they can be tended to and they can be allowed to breathe and perhaps if i stop trying to strangle myself into the submission of others, i could get a foothold in my own mind. 

“could you maybe...move my bed and some of my stuff in the basement to one of your spare bedrooms?” i ask, and i hope that the fearfulness i’m feeling at daring to ask for something to be done for my comfort isn’t drowning my words. 

he lets out a smoky sigh, tilting his head back and looking up at the stars as he brushes his fingers against my steaming cheek. 

“i forgot how much you need a space of your own,” he says. my brain, still partially controlled by ghosts pulling on the strings of trauma, searches desperately for anything in his voice to justify the panic. for the annoyance, the exasperation, the condemnation, 

and yet there is nothing to find. 

“of course,” he says, “we can clear out one of the spare bedrooms and we can move as much of your stuff into it as you need.” 

he stresses all the right words in all the right ways so that it doesn’t come across as sarcastic or demeaning in response to my obvious needs and for a moment i could swear i black out as everything that i’ve fought for so long to snuff out explodes into sparks. 

i drop my cigarette at one point, completely unaware i’ve done it as i lean forward and press my head into his chest, fingers coiling into his shirt and he slips an arm around my waist and tugs me closer, leaning me against his hip in what feels like a practiced motion that he’s done hundreds of times.  

“i’m sorry,” i say, breathing the words into him. 

“that’s fine,” he says. “you’re fine.” 

“i know,” i say. 

we fall into silence for a while, interrupted only when i hear him sniffing, and for a moment i think is he crying too, now? did i start this?  then suddenly he’s swearing, jumping out of the chair and nearly knocking me to the porch, and i’m so startled all i can do is blink like a confused animal as i register the smell of smoldering wood.

“your cigarette is burning a hole in the porch,” he says, stepping away to turn the light on. 

and as i watch him go to reflexively grind the cigarette out with his foot, stopping when he realizes he’s not wearing shoes to turn and grab one of my boots from our shoe stand just outside the door, i can’t stop the laughter that bubbles up from my core. 

i hear a train whistle in the distance, and i can’t make out if it is a real whistle, or my auditory wiring misfiring, and i don’t care. i’ll ask him tomorrow, if there’s train tracks somewhere nearby, because it settles in the back of my mind that there will be a tomorrow, and a day after, and a day after that, and it wraps around me like a fuzzy jacket. 

he offers a hand and i take it, and it slips down to my waist as he leads me back inside. 

“you know, you don’t have to try to burn our house down to get my attention,” he says as the door slides shut behind us, and there’s the faintest hint of a smile on his lips as he speaks. i catch sight of the moonlight streaming in behind him, and it imposes on my eyes the sight from what feels like so long ago, 

the sun light beaming down on him in a florida parking lot as he looks down to grab for the dog’s leash, a stranger in my home saving my only friend from running head first into traffic while hunting a lone lizard

and i think what are the odds, 

that then is, in fact, so similar to now. 

[[ So i’m gonna post this whole thing but I just. NEED to analyze the entire discussion between Morrell and Stiles in Battlefield. Because its such important character stuff besides being INCREDIBLY well-written.

Included are my thoughts on my Stiles and my perspectives on how he thinks, especially when it comes to how ADHD/anxiety makes you perceive things. Likes are appreciated but PLEASE ask to reblog since this feels very personal for me and my muse

Stiles: You know when you're drowning, you don't actually inhale until right before you black out. It's called voluntary apnea. It's like no matter how much you're freaking out, the instinct to not let any water in is so strong that you won't open your mouth until you feel like your head's exploding. But then when you finally do let it in, that's when it stops hurting. It's not scary anymore. It's - it's actually kind of peaceful. 

So this whole thing starts off with his anxiety. His way of describing things in details with both feelings and facts that makes it incredibly visceral and real. You can feel yourself underwater, you can imagine that moment he’s talking about. The pain and then the relief. (Fear and pain. Big threads in some of his emotional beats. He also FOCUSES in on those details when he’s afraid, classic anxiety symptom.)

Morrell: Are you saying you hope Matt felt some peace in his last moments Stiles: I don't feel sorry for him.  Morrell: Can you feel sorry for the nine - year - old Matt who drowned?  Stiles: Just because a bunch of dumbasses dragged him into a pool when he couldn't swim doesn't really give him the right to go off killing them one by one. 

He has no sympathy for Matt. Not after what he’s done to everyone. Not for what Stiles perceives as a dumb, if awful, fluke and Matt’s personal offense/inability to get over it.

The punishment should fit the crime and his noting of "one by one" points out that Matt has been calculating this. For something ambiguous and one time, if traumatic. It's a conflict with Stiles' sense of what justice is. Matt also attacked him, his friends, Scott, his dad, and Melissa. That alone means Stiles can’t excuse, reason, forgive, or sympathize. But then--

Stiles: And by the way, my dad told me that they found a bunch of pictures of Allison on Matt's computer. And not just of her though. I mean, he photoshopped himself into these pictures. Stuff like them holding hands and kissing. You know, like he had built this whole fake relationship. So yeah, maybe drowning when he was nine years old was what sent him off the rails, but the dude was definitely riding the crazy train. 

here’s the thing. Despite having general/social anxiety and ADHD, Stiles isn't forgiving of mistakes/cruelty because of mental illness. Yes, even though he fully knows his own issues have caused shit. Even knowing it's a POWERFUL motivator. But he has a LOW opinion of someone who uses trauma/illness to lash out purely for revenge. Especially over something that as he said was the result of kids being stupid

Even without this, he would hate Matt simply for being a creepy af stalker, not only CREATING this delusion of him w Allison but ACTING ON IT. Anyone who pulls that shit is LOW. And it was toward one of his closest friends.

He also happens to be deflecting, talking about others instead of himself (which is of course the whole point of a counseling session). He’s not just rambling cause he’s angry/disgusted and has a tendency to. He’s JUSTIFYING himself through it, which means he’s on the defensive and doesn’t want to open up to Morrell.

Morrell: One positive thing came out of this, though. Right? Stiles: Yeah. Yeah, but I still feel like there's something wrong between [him and his dad]. I don't know. It's just like tension when we talk.

The first moment he opens up, maybe because the guilt of STILL not saying anything about the supernatural to his dad is TOO MUCH. It's one of the heaviest burdens he's carried. So even though Stilinski got his position as sheriff back, Stiles still feels like he's to blame.

Interesting thing to note is that the topic of his dad is the one thing he consistently opens up to people to. Showing vulnerability doesn't matter when it's his dads ANYTHING at stake. And he's ok showing that to Morrell both cause it's not focused on moving forward and his own feelings, but because it's actually something that he feels he needs help with. Because their relationship means too much.

The tension could also be alluding to the hallucination he had at Lydias party (despite the fact that he obviously doesn't TELL her about it) I can write a whole essay on that scene but the scene, real or not, clearly weighs on Stiles. And with anxiety, it's easy to fall into the mindset that your fears are real, they just aren't being SPOKEN. Even when you KNOW without a DOUBT that the person doesn't feel that way, it sticks in your mind and messes with your perception. Stiles is aware his perception could be skewed from stress.

Stiles: [Scott’s] got his own problems to deal with though: I don't think he's talked to Allison either. But that might be more her choice, you know. Her mom dying hit her pretty hard. But I guess it brought her and her dad closer. Jackson? Jackson hasn't really been himself lately. Actually the funny thing is, as of right now, Lydia is the one who seems the most normal. 

As Morrell is about to silently observe by asking about him, Stiles is once again deflecting the topic to everyone elses trauma and avoiding talking about how he feels. Just what he’s observed and his judgement about it. And his comments can be perceived as pretty neutral despite how much he cares for 3 of the 4 people who are going through hell with him.

Morrell: And what about you, Stiles? Feeling some anxiety about that championship game tomorrow night? Stiles: Why would you ask me that? Ah. Uh, no. I - I never actually play. But hey, since one of my teammates is dead and another one's missing, who knows, right? 

AGAIN he deflects. He knows she's digging for “im feeling anxious” and admittance that HE isn't ok. And not only denies it on reflex but then takes the leading part and uses that for the topic. Again he talks about others and uses dry sarcasm to make himself more comfortable.

Morrell: You mean, Isaac. One of the three runaways. You haven't heard from any of them, have you? Stiles: How come you're not taking any notes on this? Morrell: I do my notes after the session. Stiles: Your memory's that good? 

Deflect; and this time because she doesnt give up, he turns the topic to HER. Most people will let you ramble about others but when you start making observations about THEM, particularly what they’re doing at the moment or their professionalism, they get defensive. Even if its a word or two, it’s enough to give him an “advantage”. 

And it’s, as becomes the ultimate point, him fishing for time.

Morrell: How about we get back to you? Stiles? Stiles: --I'm fine. Yeah, aside from the not sleeping, the jumpiness, the constant, overwhelming, crushing fear that something terrible's about to happen.

And there's the moment he finally breaks. He knows she's not gonna let him go, she's directly observing his anxiety. And there's a slight pause before she says his name. For the first time, shes directly giving him permission to speak, instead of asking prying questions. He could deny it. And he does, but in the obvious way that's just a lead in to his feelings.

He's at a point in the conversation and the situation that he doesn't have any other option. And even though his tone is harsh, it's honest. Because he's scared and suddenly realizes they covered everyone, and no one is left to help.

Morrell: It's called hyper - vigilance, the persistent feeling of being under threat. Stiles: But it's not just a feeling, though. It's - it's like it's a panic attack. You know, like I can't even breathe. Morrell: Like you're drowning? Stiles: Yeah. Morrell: So if you're drowning, and you're trying to keep your mouth closed until that very last moment, what if you choose to not open your mouth? To not let the water in? Stiles: You do anyway. It's a reflex. Morrell: But if you hold off until that reflex kicks in, you have more time, right? Stiles: Not much time. Morrell: But more time to fight your way to the surface? Stiles: I guess.

He has a way with words. He's been rambling this whole time. But his description of a panic attack is the last vivid bit for several lines. Trying to get across his desperation.

Then he goes to simple answers. "Yeah" and "I guess" because when he feels so lost, he gets quiet.

Stiles is very pragmatic AND emotional. He thinks with both but rationalizes. "It's a reflex" and "not much time" is his logical side kicking in, but in that way it's counterproductive because anxiety. You search for an answer, a relief from your fear, and when it's GIVEN, you don't quite know what to do with it. So you rationalize your own helplessness because you've fallen into that pattern of logical thinking combined with fear. That's what makes an anxious mind spin out.

Morrell: More time to be rescued? Stiles: More time to be in agonizing pain. I mean, did you forget about the part where you feel like your head's exploding? Morrell: If it's about survival, isn't a little agony worth it?  Stiles: But what if it just gets worse? What if it's agony now and then - and it's just hell later on?

Stiles fears pain. And I think it's not the pain specifically, it's the idea of it being the last thing, an extended thing. Emotional or physical (who wouldn’t?) And then he rationalizes with facts again to prove his point. This is the crux of MANY anxieties. That you aren't strong enough to get through, that it won't end, that there's no hope.

Morrell is having none of it. She won't let him give up on HOPE.

Morrell: Then think about something Winston Churchill once said - "If you're going through hell, keep going."

Know why that got through to him? Because it's simple and factual and makes him realize--it's the only thing you CAN do. It's not exactly hope for him but determination. Will to keep going for a little longer

And the truth is, that's all you CAN do in some horrible situations. You feel hopeless, useless. But to quote another favorite tv show "believing in even the possibility of a happy ending is a very powerful thing."

Hope, hope for hope, will get you through. It can be more painful than anything in the world, but it's also the ONE THING that lets you get thought when EVERYTHING ELSE has failed.

And as Morrell says, if you can survive, isn't it worth it?

I Got You – Tyler Down x Reader

Request: (hey everyone its maria so basically im the worst & accidentally deleted the request so idk the exact wording but basically an anon asked me to write an imagine where the reader has a crush on tyler & he walks in on her masturbating & moaning his name & then they have sex ayeee)

A/N: who let me run a blog when im this much of a mess  but yeah to this anon im sorry i accidentally deleted your message & i hope i did what i remembered of your request justice !! but this is my first legit smut on this blog so i hope you like it 😛 all the tyler girls boutta be SHOOOOOK (including myself)

Warnings: SMUT

Having a crush on someone is a rollercoaster. Some days you have this undying urge to curl up under a big blanket and cuddle with that person all night long, and other days you can’t help but imagine yourself writhing and moaning underneath them.

Today you were thinking of the latter.

Your crush on Tyler Down was no secret to anyone. By this point even Tyler had an inkling as to what your feelings towards him were. You were at that stage where every time you saw him, your heartbeat would quicken, your insecurities would increase, and the blush on your face would darken.

Right now you were home alone, thinking of him. Specifically what it would feel like to have his body pressed up against yours, his lips exploring every inch of your skin, and his sinful words making you shiver. All of these thoughts were rushing straight to your core.

You removed your clothes from the waist down and laid down on your bed. You pressed a teasing finger to your clit and your whole body tingled.

You sunk farther down into your pillows as your eyes closed. The images in your head became more vivid as your pleasure increased. You were so lost in trying to hit your release that you even slightly surprised yourself when an unexpected, “fuck Tyler” spilled out of your mouth in a moan.

Your eyes shot open, and you stopped for a minute to think of what just happened. But once you convinced yourself that it was fine and he would never find out about this, your brain automatically went back to your fantasies.

You had no concept of anything in this moment except for what Tyler’s imagined lips and hands were making you feel. His name continuously rolled off your tongue throughout your session.

It wasn’t until you heard a very familiar voice scream out “OH MY GOD” that you snapped out of your thoughts. Your first task was to immediatly grab your sheets and cover the very exposed parts of you.

You opened your eyes barely to look at the scene happening in front of you.

“I’m so sorry. So sorry uh- oh my God. I’m so sorry. I’ll come back. I didn’t- oh my God. Fuck. Wow. Oh my God.” There was the one person in the world you equally wanted to see and didn’t want to see in this moment. There was Tyler, standing facing the opposite way from you in your doorway, math book in hand. 

Your clearly forgotten “study session” you had both planned for this time after school today slowly creeped to the front of your mind. “Shit.” You whispered to yourself.

“I’ll come back. I’m so fucking sorry.” He stuttered out.

You had a crazy idea form. You weren’t sure if it was your head or your hormones talking, but before you could figure it out, you blurted out a, “NO WAIT.”

He backed up all of the two feet he had walked down your hallway. He was still facing the other way, and you weren’t mad at that. In fact you weren’t sure you would ever be able to face him head on again if this didn’t work out like you had just planned it.

“Why don’t you...” Your heart suddenly began to pound quite audibly in your chest. “Help me.”

You saw Tyler stiffen. “Like...” He trailed off.

“Yes. Come here. Help me.” You don’t know where this random surge of confidence was coming from, whether it was your arousal or your brain, but either way, it worked.

Tyler slowly turned around. Seeing his bright red cheeks, messy hair that he ran his hands through too many times, and unbelievably kissable lips made your stomach flip. 

He moved his math textbook that was conveniently placed over his crotch onto your desk across the room to reveal his very apparent boner. 

“How much did you see?” You asked slowly. 

“Enough.” He replied, smiling slightly. There was a pause. “Are you sure you want this?” 

“Yes. Never been more sure.” You said. “What about you...?” 

“Oh my God...yeah! I mean...yes I...” He ran his hands through his hair again. “I’ve really liked you for a really long time.” Hearing those words from him made fireworks explode in your stomach. Your smile deepened. 

“Get over here then.” You said. He quickly walked over and sat down on your bed. He crashed his lips to yours in a needy kiss. Your moans began almost immediately. This was everything you wanted. 

He moved his lips down to your neck. Your hands ran through every curly strand of his hair– not leaving any part of him untouched. You began to tug on the bottom of his button down, signaling that you wanted it off. He obeyed and started unbuttoning it from top to bottom to reveal his lean, but still toned abdomen. Your hands ran up and down his chest and abs as you made out, causing him to let out some moans. The sounds went straight to your heat, and you could feel yourself becoming wetter for him by the second. 

Next he tugged on the hem of your shirt. “Can I?” He asked. 

“Go ahead.” You said. He gently pulled your shirt off and threw it somewhere unknown on the floor. Desperate to get things moving, you undid your bra quickly. You let it slide off your shoulders delicately before throwing it across the room as well. 

“You...are so...beautiful.” Tyler said between kisses. His hands made their way to your breasts and squeezed them lightly, earning another moan from you. 

After more making out, he laid you down on the bed and hovered over you. “You okay?” He asked. Him asking for consent so many times melted your heart. How did you get this boy? You felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

“Yes Tyler. This is absolutely perfect.” You replied. He leaned down to kiss you again. As this happened, you felt him rub his still clothed crotch over your exposed one. 

“Take it off.” You whispered into your next shared kiss. He then undid his belt, never once breaking eye contact with you. He took off his pants and underwear and his boner slapped up against his stomach; clearly grateful to be free of the confining material. “Need you.” You breathed out. 

“Don’t worry. I got you.” He said. You felt him rub the tip of his cock against your slit, only increasing your desires. He pushed inside you slowly.

“Fuck Tyler.” You looked up to see him smirking at the familiar phrase, except this time it was actually about something real. “That feels amazing.” You continued.

“Feels so fucking good.” He added. 

He began to thrust into you at a slow pace, allowing you to get used to the feeling. As time went on, his thrusts became harder and faster. 

“Oh my God (y/n) I’m close.” He groaned.

“Me too. Fuckkk.” You said. Your hands rubbed up and down his back, attempting to bring him impossibly closer to you. His head was buried in your neck. 

“Fuck. Oh my God. I’m gonna cum.” He said in a strained voice. A few seconds later, you felt him release inside you. He let out a series of whimpered moans in your ear, which only pulled you closer to your release. Once he came down from his high, he focused solely on you. 

He started to rub fast circles on your clit. “Cmon (y/n). Cum for me baby.” He said. His words pushed you over the edge more than anything else. After a few more seconds, you released all over his hand, legs shaking and screaming his name through your clouded bliss. 

He made his way back up next to you on the bed when you came down. “Fuck.” Was all you said. 

He laughed. “That was like...really good.” 

“It was.” You nodded in agreement. You rolled over so you were facing him. 

He rolled over as well. “What do you say we do that again sometime?” He whispered. “Except next time you’re my girlfriend?” His blue eyes seemed to sparkle as they looked at you.

“I’d absolutely love that Tyler.”

1, 3 and 14 for the ask thingamabob!

1: favourite movie?

first. nothing is ever going to beat the first movie for me, it’s just iconic. it’s such a perfect sweet story. there’s no villain, there’s no black and white, it’s just a story about people realising they can change their ways for the better and they don’t have to be cruel and its just.......... perfect. how to train your dragon will always be my favourite movie, ever

however, in the httyd series............... the hidden world is very very close. i walked out the first two times almost convinced it had been bumped up to number 1. but, no, after a lot of thought i know nothing is ever going to beat the first one (even tho i do think the hidden world is absolutely perfect and beautiful and i have never been in love with a movie as much as i am now)

i know that D2 is my least favourite. i do still love it. especially the soundtrack (which i used to listen to religiously, a lot more than i did with the first one), but i’ve never thought it was as perfect as the first one was. i’d be a lot quicker to point out nitpick things about it that don’t fit, or i dislike, or just... i dunno, i do love it, it has a lot of BEAUTIFUL moments, the ‘battle of the bewilderbeast’ scene is literally the greatest and well-choreographed thing on the planet, the scenery and worldbuilding is incredible, i just never felt as connected to it as i did with the first one. and now, the third one.

honestly i think it’s just a personal thing bc when D2 was out, i was going through a phase of not caring about animation and definitely not caring about httyd anymore. i specifically thought ‘oh, theyre making a sequel to my favourite movie? are u serious? this is obviously just a money grab, the story was perfect on its own’ and i never saw it in cinema so i don’t have a good memory of seeing it for the first time. i watched it alone one day bc it just... came on tv, and i was mainly using it as background noise while i was cleaning the house lmao??? so i wasn’t paying proper attention??? and i was annoyed bc i had seen gifsets and trailers and i was expecting more hiccstrid, HA, and then i was more annoyed bc they ‘killed off stoick oh my god this is just like a typical disney kill-off-the-parents trope im so done with this’ so uhhh........... yeah i just completely forgot about the movie then. both the second and first

and then in 2017 i saw burdge’s chasing thunderstorms fanart pop up on tumblr and i’d never seen it before but i recognised who the characters were instantly and i started reading chasing thunderstorms and found some other fics and my mind exploded bc i realised holy shit there’s a fandom for this?? i’m finding so many people who love httyd???? and then i started watching clips on youtube from the first and second and i was getting hit with so much nostalgi at once and i stayed up til 5am reading some completely fandom ff.net fic and i cannot stress this enough, i had never ever bothered reading fic before, i actually hated fic until suddenly i was immersed in this hiccstrid one, and then the next morning as soon as i woke up i binge watched both of the movies and it was such!!!! and experience!!!!!!!! i loved httyd2 so much i was so shocked that i loved it, and then i spent the day listening to the soundtracks and getting invested in httyd and. um. ever since then i’ve been in love with httyd. like i loved it when i was 11/12 and used to watch it religiously, but there was a blip in my teens and honestly, that was probably just typical teen behaviour, pretending not to care about animation bc its typically for kids. now i’m the opposite

sorry for that tangent but i had to explain why D2 never meant as much to me as the first one. and then i kept rambling and wanted to explain how i got into httyd this much in the first place. so actually, im not sorry lol

3: favourite dragon character?

TOOTHLESS how could i not!!!! he is my favourite puppy! he’s the cutest! i want to cuddle him!!!!!!!!!

14: favourite moment from the second movie?

the scene where hiccup is flying away on toothless after arguing with his dad, and he’s lying on toothless’s back and saying ‘i won’t ever let anything happen to you bud, i promise’, and the clouds around him are soft and pink and orange and its so. pretty. and then cloudjumper and valka come out of nowhere, so eerie and majestic, the music building up dramtically as toothless and hiccup panic and take in theis massive four-winged dragon in front of them, and vala’s covered in her dragon costume looking like some sort of creepy dragon demon.... and there’s that one particular shot with her staff pointed at hiccup, and the staff feels like its right in your face, and i love it. 

thats definitely my favourite part of the whole movie. its pure gorgeous

httyd q&a! these are so fun to answer!!!!!!!!!!!!!