Management games my beloved I <3 tormenting lil guys for my benefit

okay so there's this musical called weird romance and it's basically a two for one, act one and act two are stand-alone one-acts based on speculative fiction (one's an old novella the other's from a twilight zone episode. alan menkin does the music and some of it is. well it's not his best work. it's pretty whatever. but SOME of it is actually really interesting, and also when the lyrics are blah they're pretty blah but when they work they're really good. also not all the songs are on youtube. anyway act one is about in the future where ads are illegal but companies use celebrities as a workaround by just sponsoring them and having them say they use products (or something like that) and the main character is a girl (woman? I have no idea how old she is in the musical) who's unhoused and has chronic illness and is mega depressed and a scientist brand guy pops in and goes like HEY!! YOU HATE YOURSELF!!! COME PILOT THIS PERFECT BODY WE MADE!!! and this song is really fun. also the original off broadway guiteau from assassins is here.

this is the second song of the musical but I'm skipping the first because it's a sad ballad for the main character and it. kinda sucks. listen to this good song instead. anyway there's a reason I'm walking through this, first of all off broadway guiteau does a great terrible unethical brand scientist, the way he says "she's meat" is pretty awful, so good bad vibes. also there's a lot of interesting rhymes that make sense considering the scientist-brand-guy's character, so that's fun

okay so stay with me, there's another good song but it's not on youtube, called something like Pop! Flash! Bang! basically training the main character to be The Perfect Celeb. and then there are some less good songs I think probably and then there's this song

I like it because it's pretty catchy but I REALLY like it because of the "😬 we'll have to talk about that 😬" bit, I thought it was pretty fun. I think the bit after that is kind of awkwardly composed and the lyrics are also kinda. well not as strong as the beginning imo.

anyway there's this song somewhere in-between I'm not going to like. so basically what happens is that the main character falls in love with someone who is. I think. the scientist's son? but the son doesn't know about the whole 'puppeting a body from a machine' thing so the main character has a duet with the body (I think) where they're like 'maybe if I tell him he'll accept me' 'BUT MAYBE NOT' and the reason I can't stand it is like. I don't remember quite what the lyrics are but there was something like "but maybe it would be less bad" and there was something about the way it was phrased or the delivery or the juxtaposition with the other lyrics that made it feel so juvenile and trite. like it *sounds* like something someone would say but dialogic authenticity (that's not a real term) kind of sucks sometimes, like people just say things and repeat things and speak redundantly or in a meandering way (like I'm typing now) and the point of dialogue isn't to be completely authentic to how people speak, it's to be a convincing representation that evokes the feeling of authenticity (while sprucing up the place and attending to character voice and efficiency). and maybe the point is to be a little juvenile, but I don't think it really works EXCEPT in this NEXT SONG

AND THIS is ACTUALLY the entire reason I'm making this post, the love interest is singing a reprise of his love song solo and I think it's a little trite BUT. HERE. it works because there's a GREAT contrast of the love interest doing this cheesy love song and the scientist (his dad) going like "lol. lmao. this is so stupid. let's fry her brain while this is going on." anyway that's act 1, act 2 also exists and it's solidly fine. there's some good songs. not as good as one that has a guy watching his son propose to his science experiment and going like Time For Love To Lose

i've been kind of struggling to word this but if we were to interpret the last encounter with brad's party members on rando land as a hallucination (which is strongly implied) there's something i noticed about their ending dialogues

some of them are extremely uncharacteristic (this includes terry's opposition, rage's interest in buddy despite it being prior established he has no care for such, olan's opposition despite the fact that he's quite nonchalant and has different goals) of their respective character but you know who they are characteristic of? rick and sticky. these hallucinations are fueled partly by their betrayal of brad. both the people in the final party and rick and sticky are people brad trusted and allowed to get "close" (as far as brad's definition of such goes) and in brad's drugged and fucked up point of view at that point - if the latter "never really cared" and secretely were going against him this whole time then why should the former be any different.

sticky's tone is more insiduous, more aggressive. no doubt because brad is convinced he molested buddy and subsequently because brad straight up HATED sticky by that point. (also because sticky himself is way harsher towards brad, probably willing and trying to discard everything to do with him. push brad as far away as possible from himself, make more distance and make it clear that they're not the same) these are usually lines like "i wanted her all to myself"

the more mellow, almost more sympathetic ones are rick (well, representative of him). "but she's our future", this is usually accompanied by respect or kindness shown towards brad as well. rick, while obviously upset and disappointed, still has a soft spot for brad and is still somehow hopeful towards him. and brad doesn't hold the same extent of ill will towards him as he does sticky, therefore these don't sound as malicious. again, these are all filtered through brad's perception of everything that happened.

this could be just because brad had no experience with such a betrayal aside from those two and his brain at that point is using them as a reference point to project onto his party members. no doubt some of it is also brad talking to himself ("i hope we're not making a mistake"; "you deserve this")

someone probably already figured this out 10 times over, i also don't claim this to be austin's inrention. i'm just having "fun" and also never saw anyone point it out before

pic for interest

Living room beat progress update 12\16\23

Hi gang, are you ready for your scheduled progress update? I sure am the worlds most consistent writer. well anyway ive been doing some planning for a4 and im gonna kinda explain my current roadmap here.

-do end of a3 animation

Yeah i havent done it yet, ive just been procrastinating. Anyway though its gonna be a short one and it wont take long so this isnt like a major deal or anything.

-do a4

I have the events of a4 planned in detail already in a text file so all i have to do is write the dialogue and turn it into comics. Ive said it before and ill say it again: a3 was WAY too many comics. There were so many comics that were just a couple of words and thats just completely stupid. A3 couldve been like 100 comics but instead ended up at 300+ because i did it like an idiot. But im not gonna do that with a4, it will be pretty short in comic number but each one will have loads of dialogue. It will be super efficient.

-post

I might actually post a3 before finishing a4, but again a4 is going to be super short in page count so it probably wont take TOO long to actually make, so waiting til after its done isnt completely unreasonable.

-do new website

Blogger sucks, its a terrible platform, so im gonna make a new website and host it on github pages. It will be made so that it is super easy for me to bulk upload LOADS of new pages at once so that i wont keep putting it off like ive been doing with the rest of a3. It will be all automatic and everything so i dont have to spend multiple hours on it lol. I will also be able to do bulk changes to the page format so i dont have to go individually through each post and change it. Maybe even a back button????

-do a lot of the story

This is a super vague bullet point but i just kinda want to make my way a fair chunk through the story before doing the next point because it would be kinda annoying to just be halted after a4 for ages.

-go back and redo a0 through a3 (and maybe a4, well see how that turns out)

Ive already said it in this post but a0 through a3 kinda just suck, theres loads of changes i would make now if i made them, so i plan to go back and change them. This would also make lrb more accessible for new readers because they dont have through over 100 pages for it to get 'ok'. I also plan to have a summary page to catch people up on the story of a0 through a4 quickly so that they can get into a5 and beyond. I will probably only keep that summary page until ive finished remaking a0 through a3, but i will post it after a4 as a4 is a good break off point in the story (youll see).

-do rest of the story

This is pretty self explanatory. Theres loads of story to go.

Among all of these points is also planning a5 and beyond as what i said before isnt true. I originally wasnt going to change the actual story i had planned but i changed my mind on that, the main story is being changed quite a bit.

The thing is i noticed the problems with the structure but didnt notice the ROOT cause of those problems, the fact that the characters act as too much of a conglomerate and have literally 0 independence.

Ok what do i mean by that. Well basically all of the alternate reality versions of streve and brian, and even streve and brian themselves, could be compressed into 1 character reasoning their decisions out with themself. They have 'disagreements' but they dont have any REAL disagreements, they always come around and end up acting as a group in the end.

Now is this because im a bad writer? Probably but i can (try to) fix it in future parts of the story. So im gonna do that.

I also plan to make more social media for the comic rather than just tumblr and reddit. Like a twitter even though that site is dying.

I also also need to come up with a name to sign these posts with. All webcomic authors have some name they go by, i dont. So ill come up with one. Anyway thats all i have to say for this progress update. This one ended up being super long so hopefully that makes up for me missing so many. See you next saturday.

Adaption: Final Reflection, POTP

{youtube link xoxo}

And that's post wrapped!

It's been a long semester, and I'm stoked to have learned as much as I have and to have developed the skills and knowledge I now have for the future. I don't have too many photos of post because I was really hunkering down but I'll try to find some to put in!

I'm proud of the work I managed to do in the time we had after picture lock and before the crit. I think an extra day or two to sit on sound and let it marinate would've be nice, but considering, I think I managed my time and schedule well and am glad of that.

(pretty long post so pls open the readmore ive put in!)

I'll start with a quick location sound review - I had no issues, beside the usual nuisances that come with filming outdoors and in businesses. I did what I could to minimize this (the angle/direction of the shotgun really does matter) and it worked, for the most part. I'm going to utilize wingman more in the future, because the sound notes put into the app can be seen in AVID next to the video files- I hadn't realized the info is "burned" into the files like that but this makes communication between sound and camera notes really nice. Of course ill do physical sound notes still, but in addition to wingman too.

Now onto post!

I was stressed about this, I admit. I hadn't done such a dialogue heavy film before, and was only vaguely familiar with the proper workflow. Common sense when organizing is huge though, and the project wasn't messy at all. Initial checkerboarding went smoothly. One thing I was irritated to notice was the quality of the park atmos changed very much depending on what angle we were shooting at relative to the road, which of course I knew would happen when we chose the location, but was still very blah this sucks about. I managed with minimal tension headaches and I think it is very minimally noticeable, if not noticeable at all, in the final product so yay for that.

Leveling and doing a temp mix for their lines, though.... I abused automation and I was holding myself back (to be fair I didn't overuse it but I definitely used it a lot). In one line the actors would start off quiet and then their voices would spike and go loud, which is a combination of delivery and boom oping I think. (It never peaked, and worked for some instances of topic and character and etc but I wanted it not to go up and down always) I gave my boom ops very very very Very basic rundowns on 'How To' and I wish I had sat them down for a more in depth lesson, and I WISH I had headphones for them - but we couldn't get a splitter, or didn't. Going to push for this if I keep outsourcing Ops and don't record and op myself.

ANYWAYS. Finished with that and then went to my favorite bit: DESIGN!!!!! I was very slumped and depressive at this point, so it really picked me up. I wish I had more time to look into certain music choices for scenes, but I am happy with the piano we got scored for the end sequence.

One thing I will say: I had a lot of trouble and internal fighting with How Much I should put in. Originally we had wanted something very stylized and Edgar Wright-esque, but that didn't really end up happening with the coverage we got, and in turn with the edit (which is definitely fine!). But this left me trying to balance not overdoing it, since sound is supposed to mesh well with the edit and visuals, but I felt like I HAD to make it stylized in order to try and get closer to what we wanted OG. I think I did an okay job - in the crit Olivia said the sound did all the heavylifting, which I still cannot decide is a compliment or a detriment. While I'm half glad it got noticed in a- positive?- light, im also kind of eh about it since technically it should enhance the world and match it, not 'heavylift' it.

Through the process Anne Marie helped me a lot with suggestions and notes: here are some I found below from my phone, they probably make no sense heh, I also had markers on pro tools I was referring too as well

Phew, that's long. I'll end on a happy note before I go into things I will incorporate into the workflow for next time. I'm glad I didn't have any technical issues, and all my qualms were creative. Even though I will be pushing for earlier picture lock on future films, because I feel I haven’t been able to breath when sound is left for minute (mainly because I’m trying to balance getting it all done and doing work I’m proud of) I'm content with what I managed to get done in the time I was given. I started Sound 7 days before the crit when picture was locked, and I managed to do what I think is an alright job! So, success, and a good test of my time management skills, because I had to learn to stop nitpicking cause more often than not it's fine and no one else can hear it but you.

THINGS TO INCORPORATE/MAIN TAKEAWAYS~

Wingman notes for the editor

set the edit window and sound window DURING PRE PROD, not during production. See if people can give you a week and a half at least for sound so it can breath a little bit and you don't waste away in SAS. Also so you can do a proper Mix and not a temp one

TEMP SOUND IN AVID - have a meeting with the editor to see what you can give them, and to say they can put in temp sound if they think something similar should go in certain places. Mainly for music and timing instances.

Decide on a color coding system so I use the same colors for everything always moving forward and It doesn't vary depending on the project (look up industry standard)

VOICEOVER IS A SCRIPT/STORY/PRODUCTION ASPECT not a sound department aspect

Drink more water to avoid tension headaches

xoxo I really hope everyone a good summer and to lots of learning and growing in their field!

So I’ve been playing a lot of skyrim lately, because it’s video game comfort food, and I decided it was time for my Redguard Dovahkiin to settle down. (Actually I specifically just wanted to be able to adopt some of the random orphans you meet because I felt guilty about them, but you need to be married before you can do that so that there’s someone at home to take care of the kids while you’re off galivanting).

So I travelled around a bit, chatting up likely looking npcs until I found one I both liked and didn’t feel guilty about marrying (I feel bad if I marry one of the warrior adventurer types, making them be a stay at home mum) and settled on an obnoxiously cheerful argonian called Shavee because her life was frankly shit, and I thought she’d probably be good with kids.

So off I go to Riften to the Temple of Mara to arrange the wedding. I book it in for the next day, realise I didn’t bring anything nice to wear, and spend the night before the wedding robbing every house in the city in the search for something to wear. Eventually decide everyone in Riften has terrible fashion sense and break down everything I stole into raw materials and use them to craft myself an outfit and some jewellery that i’m pretty happy with. I even carefully pick out my fanciest looking sword to wear.

(don’t know why I bothered, frankly, shavee turned up wearing a shirt covered in suspicious stains and weilding a pickaxe, it’s like she doesn’t even care about this marriage)

(also for comedy purposes, bear in mind I play with survival mods that mean my character needs to eat and sleep to live, and I literally spent the entire ingame night on this and forgot to eat and drink anything either and then just downed four bowls of wolf stew right before entering the temple so I didn’t starve during the ceremony. also I discovered during the wedding that I am dying of rockjoint, which I contracted from sleeping in a pile of hay on the floor of a skeever infested cave, so even being six foot tall and jacked can’t make up for the fact that I am exhausted, running a fever, and probably covered in wolf which I spilled because my joints are slowly atrophying, and even the fanciest clothes in the world aren’t going to cover that up)

so I enter the temple, and my finance is there, and Lydia my housecarl, and some random NPCs the game thinks are my friends because I did fetch quests for them

One of the random NPCs is Lisbet. Atfter I did her fetch quest, I then did another quest in which I discovered Lisbet is secretly a cannibal and part of a demonic cult that worships the daedric prince of decay by kidnapping priests, sacrificing them, and then eating their corpses. Raw. I think the raw meat is the sticking point for me here honestly.

I ultimately decided not to sacrifice the random priest to a daedric prince in exchange for one magic ring and all the raw human I could eat, because frankly, that doesn’t sound like much of a deal to me. I was expecting there to be some kind of dialogue choice where I could nope out at the last minute, but it turns out there isn’t one, so after they drugged the priest and tied him to the altar, I just got out my sword and started swinging.

I killed most of the cult (including the town butcher, because I had brought meat from him before and was extremely pissed off that he might have been secretly feeding me humans) but a couple of them got away, which I figured was fine because they weren’t trying to kill me.

Except it turns out, if any of them escape, then every time you see them in the future there’s a random chance that they’ll fly into a violent rage and try and murder you.

Lisbet is at my wedding. Lisbet decides that clearly me marrying this random argonian woman with two lines of dialogue is the happiest day of my life, and she cannot allow me that happiness, when I’ve taken so much from her.

So she tries to kill me. Only she can’t, because I’m stuck in a pre-rendered wedding animation, and also she’s sitting next to Lydia, my faithful retainer and owner of a really big axe.

It also turns out that Lisbet is essential, meaning she can be knocked unconcious but not actually killed because she’s needed for some quest or other. And the minute she wakes up from unconciousness, she tries to kill me again, so Lydia knocks her unconcious again, and I’m stuck, I can’t move, because I’m supposed to be in the wedding animation.

Except Shavee has, not unreasonably, see all this and decided that she doesn’t like me enough to risk getting murdered, and has done a runner, leaving me at the altar, but more importantly, leaving me trapped in a broken pre-rendered animation, so all I can do is stand there at the altar, staring at the space where my fiance was supposed to be, listening to the sounds of Lydia trying and failing to beat a cannibal to death behind me.

Okay, I think, clearly this wedding isn’t going to happen, I’m going to go for the registry office option and complete the wedding using the dev commands. I do this. The priest gives me a wedding ring, and I can finally move again. I chase after Shavee, who has an impressive turn of speed on her, and eventually catch up right by the city gates. I try to talk to her.

Apparently using the console has completed the wedding for me, but not for her, because she still only has the same 2 lines of dialogue she usually has.

Clearly this is working, I can’t leave my kids with someone who can only say 2 things and doesn’t even know she’s their mum, that’s irresponsible.

I try loading from inside the temple. I get the same problem.

Eventually I figure out that I need to use the dev controls to disable Lisbet’s entire existence in the universe.

Shavee and me get married. As the priest reads the vows, I stare at Shavee and wonder why she couldn’t even be bothered to put on a clean shirt. I wonder what kind of mother she’ll be.

Once the ceremony is over, and I’m happily married to the dirty green lizard of my dreams, and we’ve agreed that until I can make her recognise my extremely nice modded house exists I will share her single bed in the unheated flophouse in Windhelm she calls home, I re-enable Lisbet, because I’m worried I’ll forget if I leave it too long.

Fun fact about skyrim, it loads in quite a lot of npcs and objects by dropping them from the sky. I have no idea why this is the case, but it’s objectively the funniest way to load in objects.

I re-enable Lisbet. She falls from the sky, clips through the roof of the temple, and lands in the pew beside Lydia, stands up, draws a knife, and is immedately beaten unconcious.

I no longer care, because Shavee now has all the exciting new spouse-only romantic dialogue options like “Could you cook something for me” and “have you made any money lately”, and I know she’ll be a great mother.

I limp to the door of the temple, while around me the guests not involved in the Lydia-Lisbet murder cycle scream and duck for cover.

I open the door to the temple, immediately collapse and ragdoll down the steps, which is how I discover I am dying of rockjoint.

I limp to the orphanage down the street, adopt two kids, and then finally remember that I’m carrying garlic bread, which as we all know, cures all known illnesses.

When I emerge back into the street, full of the joys of motherhood and garlic bread, I find the town in disaray. Lydia is chasing Lisbet through the streets with an axe and a dragon is circling overhead, burning npcs to death. People are running for shelter, screaming, while the guards try to take down an entire dragon using only the worst bows and arrows in the game.

I decide that as a parent, I have to think of my own safety first and leave them to it.

I head out of the city, intent on returning home and figuring out why Shavee refuses to move in with me. A man hanging around the stables challenges me to a boxing match. For want of anything better to do, I agree.

Halfway through the fight he dodges at the wrong moment and I punch one of his horses in the head.

Two guards attack me while I desperately try to surrender. My kids will miss me, but I’m prepared to go to jail for my horse crimes, I’m an honest citizen. Also my horse crimes seem somewhat less important than the dragon.

The guards refuse to accept my surrender. I am stabbed to death. As I collapse in front of the indifferent horse, Lisbet exits the city, followed by Lydia. The last thing I see before I die is Lydia swinging her axe at Lisbet’s face.

Jayvik fanfic recs, but make them all sad

(major character death sad)

"Time was never kind to him, but now, it had stopped his labor on what couldn’t be looked at...and started attacking what everybody was seeing, carving his traits, adding fine lines on his face as if he was a sculpture, painting his hair, tinting them with white as if it was a canvas, making art out of his damaged body, a walking oeuvre for the world to see."

Sorry for the long quote, I had a very hard time trying to pick a quote from this fic because I absolutely ADORE everything about it, every single line. The author is Silekim, and while they state that english is not their first langauge it's honestly better than anything I could produce with english as a first language. The premise of the fic is an aged up Viktor (45 in here I believe) who is reflecting on his life so far, especially through the lens of his battle with his terminal illness. Full disclosure, all the fics I have on here either suggest character death or have character death. So. Yeah. It's all hurt/no comfort. I like that kind of thing. The writing style of the piece is lovely, where each sentence has this really delicate cadence and flow to the sentences, where they just bleed into one another. The author really manages to set a very lonely melancholic atmosphere. It makes me think of locking yourself in a room with a window and seeing the sky slowly fade from dusk into night as you contemplate your own mortality. I also think the author really managed to capture Viktor and Jayce's distinct personalities through the narration and also through the brief bits of dialogue. It's quite potent and portrays the pain and nostalgia of a time far gone really really well. Anyways you should definitely check this one out if nothing else. You won't regret it, and if you like sad things like me, you'll probably enjoy it. I'm also in the process of drafting a comic spread for this fic because I love it so much hehe maybe look out for it some time in the future. Maybe not too soon because college app deadlines be rolling around but whatever.

"Viktor is gone, they tell him. Viktor is gone and you were not enough to stop it. Their voices sound, a dead man’s chorus. It’s only gotten worse since he’s stepped inside."

Neon_Sunset's fic is written from Jayce's POV as he has to sort through Viktor's things, and discovers a set of unsent letters. The reason for this? Viktor is dead. It's a quick snapshot of fresh grief, made worse by being surrounded by the possessions of a lost loved one. While the writing itself does not read as lyrically as the fic above, it's still a wonderfully heartwrenching read. It's about 2k words, so it's a fast one as well, but it still packs a punch.

In the letters Viktor leaves behind, they're addressed to three different characters, each with their own perspective. The insights are brief and leave a hunger for more-- that's what makes them hurt: the words left unsaid and never to be known again, things words could never truly convey to those left behind.

The author's writing also conveys a strong sense of Viktor, despite him not being there. That's the point of the setting, which takes place mostly in Viktor's apartment. The descriptions of the setting are laced with tiny little details of personality which aren't much by themselves, but through Jayce's lens and the reader's knowledge of the backstory, it creates a portrait of Viktor, albeit without him actually there.

If you're looking for something to make you feel something, but not tear your heart out completely, I'd say this is good choice for 3-5 minutes of painful entertainment! Go read it and give the author some love~

"'Please,...please. Let it be on my own terms. Not—not hooked up to machines in some hospital room. If you love me, at least allow me this one dignity. Do this for me.'"

Alright, here me out. I've already plugged this one like twice already, but a) it's great and deserves more love and b) I want a list of these in one place, one post, so suck it.

Moving on, I want to say I've reread it too many times and love the shit out of this fic. It's not too long, but one aspect I love about it was how the author chose to intersperse the paragraphs with "letters" from physicians and otherwise. It's hard to describe, you kind of have to check out the link, and not on mobile. It doesn't show up properly formatted on mobile :/ The letters add a certain elegance to the fic, where it conveys the passage of time and changes to Viktor's health through the view of a third party without detracting from the focus of the piece: Jayce and Viktor's relationship.

We get to see how in the background, the pair of them search with mounting desperation and declining hope for a cure to Viktor's illness. The letters' impersonal remarks and recommendations for Viktor serve to highlight the brief snapshots of interactions we get to see of the two. You can tangibly feel the pain Jayce feels as he watches his partner waste away, lose his dignity, and everything he's worked for, while Jayce is incapable of doing anything to ease Viktor's suffering.

It's something that's all too easy to relate to and feel within your core, especially if you've been there to experience parents/grandparents or family members who have gone through the same kind of ordeal.

Coming back to the fic, fear not! While it's one of those hurt/no comfort, the ending is also a beautiful little thing, wrapping up the fic to end on a slightly hopeful note. Overall a great quick read, 100/10 would recommend! This and "time was never kind" are my favs hehe

i mean i would also try to draw this out in comic form but break's closing and while they say a picture paints a thousand words, i honestly feel this one's better conveyed in words, and my art skills are definitely not up to par for drawing faces with different emotions than "neutral pout"

"Nothing, nothing but the stench of sick-sweat and blood, harsh and acidic and stinging eyes, his nose. Nothing but the cold skin beneath his fingertips, still as the grave, hours dead"

A very very very quick fic about an emotionally charged moment. One that passes as fast as it comes-- although the grief is sure to linger. While there's not much in terms of plot, I thought the little descriptions were heart wrenching and atmospheric. It's made especially real since it's written based loosely off the author's own personal experience. Give them a little love and condolences~

WOOhoo finished after a whole day of grinding jesus. I need to do my work but I couldn't start until now because I need to appease the monkey brain that screams for arcane content every day before I can start being productive.

Unexpected Happiness

Fandom: Resident Evil Village

Characters: Donna Beneviento, Salvatore Moerau, Angie

Relationship: Donna Beneviento & Salvatore Moreau (Friendship)

Genre: Hurt and Comfort, Friendship

Word length: 2084

Warnings: No warnings

Status: Complete

Short summary: All she wants is a friend by her side. It seems that she is not alone with this wish.//Donna Beneviento & Salvatore Moreau, Friendship

Have fun :)

Salvatore scratched his deformed nose lightly, obviously trying to alleviate the recurring itching on his body a little bit. This whole mutation was slowly driving him insane. His new appearance regularly made him sick whenever he dared to take a glimpse in a mirror. He'd probably never been the prettiest boy in the village, but at least the people back then didn't panic at the sight of him or tried to kill him. The doctor looked down at the snow-covered path, a little depressed with his heavy thoughts. Fortunately, Mother Miranda was more than friendly towards him and had welcomed him into her family with open arms – much to the displeasure of Alcina Dimitrescu and Karl Heisenberg. The black-haired man rolled his eyes in annoyance. Apparently the two brawlers agreed on at least one point. A miracle. Salvatore pushed that thought aside and lifted his right hand a little, turning it palm up. The snow fell like soft feathers on his greyish shimmering skin. His eyes watched, fascinated, as the icy flakes slowly melted in the warmth and finally flowed down his fingers. The Lord smiled sadly at the sight. Probably nobody in the village really appreciated the wonders of nature. The doctor wiped his hand dry on his coat and strolled on through the deep snow. Today's family reunion had completely escalated again. Salvatore sighed calmly. That was actually nothing unusual any more, but the intensity of today's dispute set new standards for the future. Terrifying standards. It ended with Alcina completely smashing two wooden beams of the church with her claws, inflicting a severe wound on Karls back and a total of eight Lycans losing their heads.

Mother Miranda was having a hard time getting her spoiled children back to their senses. At that moment, the black-haired man reproached himself for his cowardly behaviour. He would have wanted to intervene earlier, but with his low self-confidence he could not express his thoughts good enough. Alcina and Karl wouldn't listen to him anyway. Salvatore felt a small tear collect in the corner of his eye. He felt so weak and useless compared to them. In addition, they did not suffer from such a drastic physical mutation. Alcina and Karl looked human, but now they lacked any sort of humanity. Their hearts were frozen to death from the greedy parasite in their blood. The black-haired man shook the snow from his coat and wandered on through the far too quiet village. His grey eyes stared up the white path as he could see the outline of a person in the distance. The man wiped his runny nose. A fearless villager? Salvatore shrugged and walked on, panting heavily. After a while he could hear faint sobs. Strange. The doctor got closer and closer to the source of the noise. Without any warning, a doll suddenly stood in his way, the little wooden arms whirling around wildly in the air. The black-haired man frowned in confusion and looked again at the figure, which was now only a few meters away from him on a wooden bench. Donna Beneviento. The black mourning robe left no doubt. What had made the poor woman cry so bitterly? The man took his eyes off the Countess and spoke carefully to the doll at his feet: "Why is your Maker crying like that, Angie? What is wrong?" The wooden figure rattled its mouth for a moment, then replied sadly: “Alcina and Karl were way too loud at the meeting today. Donna was terribly frightened and panicked.” The Lord grimaced angrily. The doll maker was probably the most fragile soul among them and needed special protection from Mother Miranda when the other children argued among themselves again. However, the closer they got to the ceremony, the less the priestess cared about her mentally ill daughter. It almost seemed like she was going to lose interest in Donna.

Salvatore slowly shook his head. Mother Miranda would never abandon any of them. He had to have faith in the priestess. His grey eyes wandered back to the crying woman. How could a ghastly figure like him adequately help a fragile, pure soul like Donna? A slight tug on his leg made him look down again. Even Angie looked kind of sad today. The doll muttered tearfully: “Can you make us laugh again, Moreau? Usually we have so much fun together and now we are sad. We don't like that.” The man nodded hesitantly. He knew a few jokes, but they weren't particularly good or suitable for the doll maker. Salvatore held out his hand to the wooden figure. Angie looked a little sceptically at the bulging fingers and finally cautiously cupped them. Together they walked through the snow. The Countess had taken off her face veil and was crying bitterly into her hands. The doctor hesitated for a moment, but then sat down next to the woman on the cold wood. The material groaned under his weight, but withstood the strain. Angie made herself comfortable between them. The doll continued to hold his hand and made no move to let go of it for the next few minutes. Salvatore wanted to start to speak, but closed his mouth again. He had never had to comfort anyone. Meanwhile, the salty tears were dripping from the woman's narrow chin onto her black dress. The Lord sighed and spoke softly: "Ms. Beneviento, I am terribly sorry for what you had to go through in Church today. These two idiots cannot always curb their temperament and mother Miranda is too overwhelmed with them. Alcina and Karl still don't deserve your tears.” The addressed only sniffed louder at his reply. The man slumped a little.

Could he possibly have said something wrong? Angie's childish voice answered the unsolicited question: "We understand your kind words, Moreau, but we can't just stop crying." The black-haired man put his free hand on his chin and tapped his lower lip. What a difficult task. After a while, he continued slowly: “It's okay to cry and to give space to the overwhelming fear in your heart. Tears cleanse our souls after all.” The doll now also lowered her head a little. More snowflakes fell from the dark sky, wrapping those present in a white, icy robe. The white smoke puffed out of his nose as he exhaled, making it very clear how cold it actually had to be. Salvatore rubbed the hypothermic skin on his cheek and started speaking again: "Have you ever looked into the sky when the snow is pirouetting in the wind and dancing to the rhythm of nature?" The Countess suddenly froze, the sobs died away this moment. Angie's head turned slowly towards the man next to her. There was a gentle smile on his lips. He reached out his left hand and started counting the snowflakes that touched his skin. The doll watched him carefully, then turned to her creator. As always, the dialogue between them was silent. The doctor waited patiently. Suddenly Donna also raised her hand and turned it upwards. The first snowflakes fell on the pale skin. A small, barely audible giggle escaped the doll maker's throat. She, too, began to count with the Lord in a whisper. Salvatore felt an inner relief. At least for that moment the tears stopped. He tipped his head back as best he could and replied calmly: “I love the gentle touch of the cold. It feels incredibly nice on my face. Especially when the snow starts to melt and then runs down my skin.” The woman was still watching her hand, silently counting the flakes. A pleasant calmness fell over them, enveloping this small part of the village in an almost harmonious atmosphere.

The doctor moved his head back to its original position and smiled at the silent doll maker. She closed her hand very slowly, squeezing a little water out of her fist. Angie shifted slightly on the bench, finally asked a little more calmly than before: “Why did the two of them fight again today? They don't want to be friends, yes?” Salvatore frowned in surprise. Only now did he notice how petrified the Countess's features were. His fingers tightened around the doll's dead hands as he replied uncertainly: “This is very difficult to explain, Angie. I think Alcina and Karl just have different views and get angry when someone contradicts them. I don't know if such a friendship can be made.” The woman did not respond to his explanation. She seemed to withdraw into herself again. Her almost palpable conflict had an incredible effect on the doctor and now prevents him from leaving her alone on the bench. Angie spoke in a whisper: “We had hoped that they would get along and that we could finally be a real family or at least friends. We are sometimes very lonely.” These words hit the man harder than he thought. Presumably everyone present felt how the loneliness ate them up from the inside and would eventually drive them crazy. So he was not alone in suffering from this self-imposed isolation. The black-haired man didn't know what to answer for a second. Salvatore shook some snow off his body and replied cautiously: "I don't know if we will all be one family, but Mother Miranda has deliberately chosen us as her children. I guess there is a chance." The doctor felt that this sentence was a very big lie. A lie he couldn't deny.

Yes, they were all chosen because they were able to integrate the parasite better than the other test objects into their organism. This realization was harsh, but not to be dismissed out of hand. Salvatore could only hope that Donna, out of her childish naivete, did not concern herself with it any further and questioned her position as a daughter. The doll moved its legs slightly, which dangled helplessly from the bench. There was silence between them for a good minute, until Angie asked softly: "So will we be alone forever, Moreau?" The person addressed felt the air in his lungs compress. He shook his head vehemently and said eagerly: “No, no, of course not! You two are such good souls, there is really not a single reason to not like you. You two deserve wonderful friends.” Donna winced slightly, then turned her head to one side. The greyish eyes fixed the disfigured face of the Lord. He was getting nervous at this haunted gaze. As if out of nowhere, the doll maker suddenly spoke in a whisper: “Friends? I deserve friends? Take a good look at my forehead. Who would want me as a friend with this tumour? ”Salvatore stared at her with wide eyes. The parasite felt the woman's forehead with its long antennae and overgrown the wound. The man blinked a few times and tried to not look at the organism. That would be extremely rude to the woman. After a while he replied calmly: “Well, if you want to, Ms. Beneviento, we could actually be friends.” The doll-maker tilted her head slightly, looking for a lie in the Lords eyes.

Angie had jumped up and climbed onto the man's lap. There she squealed excitedly: "Can we be friends too, Moreau? Please, please, please!" "Of course," the doctor laughed in relief and added, "Anyone who wants to be my friend is welcome." The doll immediately began to giggle. She held her wooden hand to her creator and motioned for her to slide closer. Angie said happily: “How long do you want to sit there, Donna? We now have a real nice friend and he will not hurt us! He doesn't bite or do you bite Moreau? Don't lie!” The black-haired man shook his head with a big smile. The Countess hesitated a little longer before carefully sliding further towards the man. When her doll's hand came within reach, she gently cupped her little fingers. Only now did the Lord notice how much Donna was actually shivering from the cold. She whispered softly with chattering teeth: “So we are really friends, Salvatore? Your word of honour?” The childlike naivete surprised the doctor again. Without further ado, he took off his heavy coat and put it warmly around the doll maker's shoulders. She didn't respond to this gesture, just patiently waited for the man to answer. "Yes, word of honour," confirmed the Lord with a smile and lovingly cupped Angie's other hand again. Donna's mouth corners pulled up slowly when she replied softly: "Friends."

Zadnor & Bozja’s Ending

I know it’s been the bandwagon to hate on Werlyt and I’ve been critical of that plotline in the past as well.  But Bozja may have just taken the cake for unsatisfactory storytelling, in my opinion, while also skirting into the same realm of “we’re gonna give imperialism a pass because maybe the Empire isn’t that bad uwu”.  Obvious spoilers for rank 25 quests, the Dalriada raid, and Bozja’s story ending under the cut along with screenshots.

This is a pretty critical look at Zadnor specifically so if you don’t wanna read that then feel free to bypass this post.

Bajsaljen’s Constitution was probably the first part that really made me scratch my head and question the entire plot.  I was convinced at first I was too sleepy to process what Bajsaljen was saying but then I went back and... yeah, he really did say that.

To which, Marsak calls him out on, a fact that I appreciate because my response was pretty much the same level of “wtf” as him and the nameless/dialogue-less NPCs in the room.

If you haven’t played Bozja in its entirety yet, you may not understand why I felt like this dialogue was incredibly appalling.  The instances are filled with horrific encounters, some of which are:

Dabog, a former Resistance soldier who was experimented on in order to become an expert warmachina pilot and later shows back up in Zadnor as a model swap for the final boss of Gyr Abania.  In other words, mutated beyond recognition.

Lorvo, another former member of the Resistance, who was tempered by the Queen.  You fight alongside his student, who is trying to save him.

Shemhazai, a death spirit summoned with auracite and the sacrifices of Garlean soldiers.

Delubrum Reginae’s 2nd boss (I believe?) are a group of former Blades who have been tempered and their bodies have mutated.  These are former comrades you, as the WoL, personally fought alongside in the early parts of the Southern Front.  Named characters with backstories.

Fabineau quo Soranus - a brutal commander that is known to torment his subordinates and use men and animals both as test subjects.  

And this is just a fraction of what I can think of off the top of my head.  So understand that when I saw Bajsaljen say the above parts, I was questioning what parts of the Empire he was talking about.  And I know he tries to use Misija as his reason for this but it still just doesn’t quite sit right with the literal everything else that happened fighting for Bozja.  Because you can make the argument that Misija saw the Imperial way of life better but also you can make the argument that she was enacting a revenge plan that transcended multiple generations.  Misija’s issue with Bozjan society was the mistreatment of her and her family as well as the murder of her ancestor-- classism.  And while her hatred of Bozja and its high society (the Blades) might be understandable, I think it does little to excuse the rampant death and cruelty the IVth legion goes on to do.

I think what Bajsaljen is trying to say is that he does not want to create another society that would create more Misijas. But in doing so, it feels like he’s giving the IVth legion a pass after all the atrocities they’ve done (even calling the occupation “peace” and that... hnghhh is it peace when people are being used as experiments, Bajsaljen?  And they’re being oppressed?) and it just feels really, really tone-deaf.  Especially given that Bajsaljen’s top soldiers were all, for the most part, tempered and then put to death.  That just adds an extra ouch factor.

I don’t wanna spend too long talking about this bit so I’m gonna move onto the next offender, which is Gabranth, or more specifically, what happens to Gabranth (or... how it happens, rather).  Honestly, I was uncomfortable with the Bajsaljen stuff but the Gabranth field notes absolutely floored me.  It feels as though there was either scrapped content here or... the team decided they could not continue the plotline with Gabranth any longer and decided to write him out in a note that only a handful of the playerbase will probably read because otherwise, there’s no indicator that Gabranth’s tale is over.  Here are the bits of the field note in question:

And you might go, “Wow, that’s a wild way to end the Bozja tale” to which I would agree and remind you that none of this is shown in-game, it’s all just in a field note that could be easily skipped over.  Yes.  That’s right.  Dalmasca’s freedom, Gabranth’s fate, Lyon going full mutiny... it’s all in a field note.  The ending Bozja cutscenes actually have dialogue like this:

In another scene, with Lyon and Gabranth in Valnain, Dalmasca.

Note: this is an allusion to Noah having the same terminal illness as his father.

The scene ends with Lyon looking surprised at the weapons and Sicinius and Gabranth go to discuss the findings.  The scene then cuts to this photo and the questline ends.

So to put it mildly... I’m mad.  Why are we supposed to find out the fate of Dalmasca-- something that’s been in and out of the story since Stormblood-- through a field note?  Why is Lyon’s betrayal also found out this way?  And Gabranth’s alleged demise?  I’m incredibly iffy on the choice to do this in the plot but I would be considerably less mad if any of this was indicated in the cutscenes.  I happen to really like Gabranth’s XII’s iteration and the fact that we got a field note on him made me excited.  I only found out about Dalmasca being freed, Lyon’s treachery, Gabranth’s death because of that.  And that was incredibly jarring to read given the cutscenes I had just watched.  There’s no indication that any of that would happen and I can’t help but feel as though that is a bit of lore that is often going to be overlooked by players who simply don’t think to check the field notes for important lore bombs.

I want to reiterate: I'm not specifically mad at the story decision to kill Gabranth (even if it’s a fake death), I’m mad at how this was all revealed to the players.  Particularly the bit about Dalmasca.  It discards the age-old rule of storytelling-- “show, don’t tell”.  I could forgive them for having to cut certain bits of Bozja’s story because of the pandemic severely hampering development but... there had to have been a better way than this.  Maybe redo some of the cutscene dialogue?  Maybe add in a little bit more to the final scene?  I was excited to face off against Gabranth.  I was excited to go help liberate Dalmasca, especially after the Return to Ivalice plot really set us up for that in the future.  This... just feels incredibly unfulfilling.  And I hope that this is not how they decide to end things with this section of the story.  The build from Return to Ivalice and the continuation of those plot threads in Bozja were great!  Having it unceremoniously ended in a field note?  Not so great.  

Two honorable mention things that I don’t have the energy to talk about at large

Mikoto’s visions don’t feel significant enough to the story.  This is particularly egregious in Zadnor’s arc, where she has a vision where she falls off an airship and then tells the WoL to not say anything because she “doesn’t want people to worry” instead of, idk, trying to find a way to save herself.  She only sees herself fall, she doesn’t see herself land.  But she insists there’s “nothing we can do about it anyways”.  It... felt like they didn’t really matter in the end?  Fran ends up deus ex machina-ing a rescue anyways so like... what was the point?

Misija's “redemption through death”, a tired trope that is even more tired in FFXIV.  I know there’s two different endings to this quest but Misija being executed after being mortally wounded by the Diablos Armament is the ending I received.

Going to harken back to the criticisms of Werlyt.  I’ll maintain my stance that I still think Werlyt had some glaring issues with it... but I will give it this.  It didn’t kill off characters from a side plot that had been going on since Stormblood in a field note.  And it didn’t involve the Werlytians being like “Hey let’s base our new constitution off of the VIIth legion... that is a great idea.”

Anyways, I still recommend doing Bozja if only because the Dalriada is a good instance with a very good final boss theme.  I did enjoy aspects of the questline but the ending really soured my opinion of it.  

Amnesia: The Dark Descent - Astarion

Ahoy there me hearties! It is time to embark on yet another long voyage into the seas of discovery and character exploration, to fill in the details of the blank map with speculation and musings alongside the occasional sea serpent drawing! Tonight we are once more focused on Astarion from Baldur’s Gate 3, and we set sail with navigation logs that include Scents And Sensibilities, or more specifically how both taste and smell might impact Astarion as a vampire and his perception of the world. The second major topic of speculation would be the one that gave this post its title: amnesia possibilities with speculations on the influence of torture and starvation for induced memory loss. This is of course all speculation based on early access content, so beware of spoilers upon the horizon! Content warnings include discussion of food items, consumption of food, consumption of rotting food, graphic descriptions, maggots, insects, emetophobia, vampirism, blood, dark backstories, abuse, torture, horror, and other themes typical of the Baldur’s Gate 3 setting. Spoilers for both Baldur’s Gate 3 and some spoilers for Amnesia: The Dark Descent and Amnesia: Justine included. Google story details of the Amnesia series at your own risk, these tags are intended to be reflective solely of mentioned elements in this essay, not of all potentially disturbing content in those games.

So with the starting fact of how closely the senses of taste and smell are in real life, what does this mean for Astarion and other vampires in DND when it comes to how things smell versus how they taste? Referencing another of Pjenn’s fine posts regarding everyone’s favorite local vampire spawn, Astarion has a line regarding consuming a treacle tart from Auntie Ethel’s cottage: “Hell’s teeth! Was solid food always so foul?” [click here for a link to said post]  Now this could just be because Auntie Ethel is a hag and cooks horrible food, and according to tumblr there are poisonous apples to be found at her place as well. [Alas no post citation to confirm the poisonous apples.] If Astarion’s reaction isn’t due to Ethel being a terrible cook, and is more to do with the fact that he’s a vampire, then that’s a horse of a different color. Presumably, through speculation based on his surprise and lack of disgust prior to consumption of foodstuffs, standard humanoid foods likely still smell or at least smell similar to how they used to smell to him when he was alive. An apple still smells like an apple, as it were. It may just be that instead of Astarion feeling hunger at the smell of an apple, it might be more akin to smelling pleasant like apple-scented perfume or such though for him...curiously, that would suggest that he did not try or more likely could not try to eat anything of the sort under Cazador’s rule. On that note, it would be a certain flavor of tragedy for regular humanoid foods to still smell appetizing and edible to Astarion but taste like ash in his mouth, or worse. But how does food fit for vampires smell to Astarion? Namely, blood, of course. Though one might wonder at rare steak or other cuts of meat still bloody to the taste—could he eat beef tartare and enjoy it, for example? Sashimi or other raw seafood? That’s straying into headcanon territory though. Back on topic, in the one camp scene where everyone is feeling ill with the beginning sensations of ceremorphosis, he mentions “I can smell the blood in your mouth” on one dialogue branch. It could be that the two are standing awfully close together while discussing matters, and/or the MC’s bleeding a pretty significant amount and the scent is quite noticeable, or Astarion’s got a pretty keen sense of smell, or a combination of the above. It probably smells pretty good if it tastes as good as Astarion’s reactions and comments would strongly suggest, and if we’re going to go wild with fun fantastical interpretations, I’d put forth the idea of Astarion being able to smell the difference between different people’s (or animals’) blood at close range. If Larian puts the following datamined not-present-in-game-yet scene in, the former idea would tie in very nicely with how Astarion speculates on how the different companions’ blood might taste, from this datamined text post once again kindly provided by Pjenn. [click here for text post link, bottommost “tastingparty” section] Transcription of some of the possible lines in question (not in the game at time of writing, and possibly may not appear in the final game): “Take Gale, for example. He strikes me as someone whose blood is rich, refined like a well-aged brandy.” “Take Wyll, for example. A man of the people, very palatable, like a sweet cider.” Above lines chosen for their more descriptive wording, thus why the other party members (both current and future as of this time of writing) are not added in the above examples. Astarion is quite colorful in his descriptions of how he thinks some of the companions’ blood would taste, based off of their personalities. So what does everyone’s various MCs’ blood taste like? There could be delightful variety based on the details of the various MCs’ personalities and personal life histories, I’ve seen some explorations on the dash here and there which is delightful, and I’d shan’t say no to seeing more. It is a beautiful opportunity for character exploration regarding the MC, Astarion’s perception of them, the reality of who they are (and perhaps Astarion shifting said perception of them), and all around a great potential moment to have some fun writing descriptive prose if one is so inclined. One internet search later, I will say that it appears that reddit and other google search sources do seem to suggest that in real life the blood from various different species of animals looks and tastes different from one another, even without going into factors such as age and health’s impact on blood. If we as normal humans are able to tell the difference in that, it seems reasonable to think Astarion would be able to do that and more with supernatural augmentation as the basis for that line of thinking. What do people smell like to him? Different from one another one might suppose. Is that part of what informs his imaginings and wonderings about how their companions’ blood might taste? Individuals tend to smell unique to some degree, due to body chemistry among other factors. One would expect blood to be a factor in that, seeing as that’s how many hormones and such get sent about the circulatory system—which might mean Astarion (and our potential future weregnome companion) may have more of a time having to deal with the whole party foregoing soap for better or for worse, unless Gale or Shadowheart have a Summon/Conjure Soap spell, or perhaps the MC is a ranger who can find a soap plant. Not a great time to have a sensitive nose potentially, though foregoing soap and thus additional layered scents like floral infusions and such might be beneficial. One can only imagine hunting might turn out better for the entire party’s dinner-scrounging efforts by not alerting the local wildlife that there’s someone about who smells like a potpourri bowl...though that’s another idea, does Astarion volunteer to go hunting moreso for the party in order to be able to drain blood from the kills? One would bleed and gut a carcass anyway as part of the processing, so who would know if he drank it dry versus bled it out with a knife from a tree? Moving on though, imagine what it must’ve been like the first time after he rose up from being turned and he smelled another living person’s blood, only to feel his mouth suddenly start watering. Was he confused? Repulsed? Horrified? Startled, but accepting? There’s potential ripe for the picking to interpret that in any number of ways, including conflicted and complicated in multiple directions all at once, which his actions and emotional depictions might suggest so far in early access. Imagine the torment of being ravenous every night—and I am personally impressed that Astarion actually can keep his mental faculties and presentation together well enough to seduce someone given potential speculation of his physical state,—and knowing only a meager portion of the most putrid, rotting rat flesh awaited him back at Cazador’s mansion, while he had to interact and seduce with people who smelled just so good to his vampiric senses. Consider the added twist of the knife in Cazador’s torment of Astarion with the fact that one can consider saliva to be filtered blood—if one headcanons Astarion as actually being quite physical with his seduction up to and including kissing of any kind. Consider also, the fact that if Astarion has shared a kiss with one of the unfortunate victims-to-be, he might have more of an idea of what they might taste like but must also now sit and SMELL their fresh-spilled blood right from the vein, right there in front of him, and watch while Cazador enjoys his own supper, while being forced to down a disgusting rotting carcass under threat of punishment. [in-post content warning: Graphic description of rotting dead rat carcass, food, maggots, etc in the next paragraph] Did Astarion throw up the first several times? Cazador would’ve surely punished him for so “rudely” rejecting a dinner all set out especially for Astarion and everything. To get to the point where one can consume let alone look at and smell a plate of rotting food,—specifically a dead rat with the fur still attached, the guts bloating up and putrifying from within, that very well might have live, wriggling maggots in it,—and not vomit? It must be one hell of a potent cocktail mix between primal hunger-driven desperation and fear of punishment applied over a prolonged period of time for Astarion to actually be able to consume that, let alone look upon it. This essay by the by will not be doing any in-depth exploration of the overarching situation relating to the victims’ point of view, as I feel that’s been implied in previous meta posts by both myself and others on Astarion, in the “Clearly The Other Victims Have It Bad Too And No One Deserves To Suffer Cazador” thread of implications.  We are however acknowledging that all of this experience for everyone else, aside from Cazador, is Fucked Up And Very Very Bad. Continuing past acknowledgements of the large moral cluster of ideas over yonder, let us move forward into the “present” time when Astarion has joined the party, and no one is as of yet aware that he is a vampire. Consider the scenario where he can smell their individual scents, but it’s nothing he hasn’t handled before, even if he seems to be...curiously free of the immediate need to get back to Cazador right away, while still wrapping his head around this bizarre new reality of walking in the sun. The inescapable reality of how different everything looks bathed in the all encompassing colors of sunlight, compared to moonlight and lantern light. Be it the blinding yellow, white, and blue of the noon time sun, or the violent golds, oranges, reds clashing against the violently deep blue shadows of night’s approach during the fall of twilight, or the brilliant and mellow pale grandeur of all the world’s color coming to life as the dawn breaks forth...it has been so long since last he saw any of that. Do you think he sat up specifically to watch that first dawn, while the other companions slept? It’s a beautiful thought. But I would follow that with the unfortunate potential consideration that he is starving—and when hunger eats away at one’s mind for long enough and in a demanding enough fashion, it can be remarkably difficult for a person to feel much of anything save very faint echoes of emotions or on the other extreme end only the strongest emotions, and more often than not those emotions are very likely to be the negative ones. Just about nobody’s happy when they’re starving after all. Astarion may very well feel awe at seeing the dawn again, but how deep does that feeling go, when instinct is screaming and gnawing at his very bones to insist that he is hungry? Famished. Starving. Appreciation for beauty is a privilege that is hard to enjoy at all in any degree of depth when the basic needs are wailing inside one’s head so loudly.  And he can smell his companions’ blood, even when they’re not bleeding. He has also smelled their blood spill out into the open air too, during fighting. How does that eat at him, how does that sharpen his appetite so? Does it make his stomach twist in pain to smell what his senses are clamoring for and labeling as food so close, so near, as he slowly loses his mind waiting all day for the party to break camp so he can try to slip away and hunt? Does he catch anything? He does find some animals canonically in some encounters, but there is no guarantee he will find enough without expending strenuous effort, assuming he finds anything at all on a given night. And his luck does run out eventually it would seem. One night he just doesn’t have any reserves left in him to go hunt down another animal, to take another gamble that’s stacked even higher against him with how badly off he is. Does he feel an uncomfortable chill set in, cooling his blood and rendering his flesh even colder than his normally low body temperature standards as his undead form slips just a little bit closer to a semblance of true death, whether or not he can starve to death as a vampire? Do his hands shake? Can he think at all as thoughts fade in and out from hunger-induced weakness? Can he think through the haze of sensation and awareness if he breathes in through his nose, his open mouth, inhaling a lungful of the smell and taste of living blood right there? The smells that he’s grown familiar with over these last few days? The companion origin for Astarion definitely seems to spin it towards needing to know if he can resist Cazador’s orders now, but consider this thought: imagine the progression of realization that Astarion might have as he considers the idea that he could resist Cazador’s rules, with the lack of magical-compulsion to return to Cazador’s side right away. That if Astarion himself is no longer bound by those supernatural, unyielding, magically-enforced laws, he can also drink the blood of thinking creatures. He can drink the blood of people. He can drink the blood that he’s been smelling the enticing scents of this entire time. The blood that is right. There. And he is starving. Imagine how that must feel, that pupil-dilating moment of realization as muscles tense and the next breath comes in as a sharp inhale at the instantaneous, primal understanding that you can have food, real food, good food, right then and there when you feel like you’re dying for something, anything to stop the hunger from eating you alive from the inside out. And all you have to do, is take it. Humans in real life can potentially have very predatory responses to hunger at times, especially when it comes to hunting down prey animals, and when it comes to spotting an easy meal when one is working on empty reserves. Imagine how that can scale up for a vampire...and for Astarion, this is the first time he’s been free to actually choose to act on those instincts. Cazador’s rules have always been the backbone holding him in place as surely as the mindflayer prison pods kept everyone well and truly trapped—until our merry lot was broken free. Now though? The only thing standing between Astarion and his sleeping, delicious-smelling companions’ blood, is his own will and choice. That has to be equal parts exhilarating and terrifying. He’s never been free like this—free, with vampiric needs clamouring for his attention. Free, as a vampire, spawn or otherwise. But does he want to? I would actually suspect he feels conflicted about that on multiple levels, given a possible line Auntie Ethel might say should you fight her. ”You’re one thirsty night away from betraying everyone!” [One of Auntie Ethel’s taunts when using Vicious Mockery during her potential fight, linked here in astarions-ears’s post.] On the one hand: the power to take what he wants, what he needs, is at his fingertips. Much like how the power of the tadpole is. It could help him protect himself, be stronger, do whatever he wants...just like the tadpole power. This whole situation is a mess of temptation in the long term for Astarion in so many ways. On the other hand though...I suspect based on that line from Ethel above, assuming it makes it into the final version of the game, given that it’s used during a casting of Vicious Mockery, I would say there’s fair grounds to assume Astarion does have at least reservations about betraying the party, at the very least with the hesitation given rise from self-serving desires such as wanting to have a group of people in his corner. I would say though, it wouldn’t cut so deep, and wouldn’t be so vicious a mockery, if he didn’t care that it was betrayal. I think it safe to say that if he truly didn’t care in some shape or form, Ethel would’ve ended up mocking some other aspect of Astarion’s personality or insecurities, likely something along the lines that everything he does is futile as he will still end up killed or enslaved by either Cazador or others (such as the party and MC having so much sway over his life and choices), rather than needling him about betrayal of all things.  Another reservation he might have from lack of experience is that he’s never hunted other people for his own food before. He might never have hunted for someone personally of his own free will before this point, either. That little nuance could be a hook on which he hangs onto for dear life—or unlife—in order to keep what remains of his perceived identity. Who does he want to be, and among those details, what must he be, in order to survive? What can he avoid doing? Does he want to be what he perceives as a monster? Is he hoping not to become a monster, to validate that he isn’t one already, based on his conversation after you catch him trying to steal some of the MC’s blood? “I’m not some monster!” There’s also the line from the post-Raphael first meeting, “If I keep the tadpole, I risk turning into a monster.” which all seem to imply that Astarion draws a line between what he thinks is and isn’t monstrous, much like in the first meeting with Astarion where if you tell him about the tadpole, he laughs bitterly and goes, “Of course it’ll turn me into a monster.” Isn’t that an interesting turn of phrase? It implies so much fertile ground for speculating on what he thinks of both his own vampirism, and what precisely makes someone or something a monster. The MC has come into Astarion’s life at such a fascinatingly crucial point in time, beyond just Astarion’s sudden new freedom, however fragile, from Cazador. Because of that freedom, this is also the time of exploration and self-definition for Astarion to decide who he is, and who he will be, a coming-of-age if you will, which is hysterically ironic and well-played by Larian Studios in my opinion given that he is almost assuredly going to be the chronologically oldest member of the main party. This dovetails so very neatly into the MC’s already obvious potential influence on how Astarion views his condition, other people, the world around him, his own self and morality...it’s really just so rife with potential. This particular part is nothing too new, just added detail and layering on top of previous musings in past posts, but there are elements of interest to examine I think. Personally, I was inclined to guess Astarion as being older, even as elves go, based largely on the fine lines one can see upon his face when he’s emoting, some elements of his attitude and dialogue—(“A fine effort, but I’ve seen it all. I was walking this land while your ancestors were learning to crawl.” - said if you fail a skill check during his recruitment scuffle)—but looking at some of these other elements has me reconsidering that. Perhaps he was more on the young adult side of the elven age range, rather than middle aged prior to being turned? If he can retain scars as a vampire under the living conditions Cazador subjected him to, perhaps he also has stress-related aging tells, since it seems from other DND materials (Curse of Strahd I believe has a vampire locked in a basement that’s largely starved of blood if I recall correctly? I am uncertain of the details regarding the situation unfortunately) that vampires can at least show physical deterioration when it comes to being starved for blood. It would be an entertaining take in my personal opinion to see an older character having a coming-of-age growth type arc, since those are almost always strongly associated with a relatively narrow range of ages from teenaged-to-middle-twenties-ish protagonists and characters. Whichever way Larian goes with it though, it is looking quite promising just based on the overall quality of the various game elements so far. To build on that possible theme interpretation though, there is another element that I think ties into Astarion’s uncertain age as well—how much he remembers of his life before Cazador, and how much life there was to remember to begin with. One might generally presume that the older a character is, the more time they’ve had and thus more opportunity to learn, to be exposed to life experiences, to garner wisdom. Often, this also tends towards a certain amount of cementing of a person’s outlook, personality, and other core traits along with potential varying levels of self-awareness regarding those elements. It goes without saying that people do still change sometimes dramatically other times gradually over the course of their lives, but typically the more easily-influenced vibes commonly go with younger and/or more naive character builds, though not always of course. Without addressing significant or otherwise notable exceptions, specific nuances or variations though, there is something of a vague expectation and template starting-base that older characters and personalities are typically more “put together”, “collected”, and less likely to be outright mutable. Astarion though? As a character in an RPG that is built upon the foundations of choices, in a DND world where choice IS the defining feature in both character expression and storytelling? His core will remain as himself I’m sure, but by the very nature of the game attempting to make this an enjoyable experience for the audience, odds are very good that Astarion will be heavily influenced in his outlook into a set number of branched endings based on what the MC chooses to say and do. But I have some potential suspicions now that Astarion might actually be a touch more malleable in some parts of his outlook and manner beyond the influence of just the aforementioned elements above. Consider the following lines Astarion currently has in Early Access, including one mentioned previously: “Hell’s teeth! Was solid food always so foul?” [Said in the previously posted link above when eating a treacle tart for presumably the first time, stolen from Auntie Ethel’s before illusion is lifted.] “I’ve seen so little of the world. Still, there’s time now.” [Looking at a globe, post linked here, from Pjenn’s blog] “I haven’t spent much time with helpless old ladies. Was that normal?” [If you kill Mayrina’s brothers and Auntie Ethel disappears into thin air. Video from Danaduchy on youtube linked here] “Probably wise. No one gets that old and crooked playing by the rules.” [Same conversation as above mentioned in the video regarding Auntie Ethel if the second option “I’m not sure. We should watch ourselves around her.” is chosen in response to Astarion’s question.] While one could certainly retain youthful or what one might call immature or dramatic inclinations even through to one’s golden years, I am on the fence on how far Astarion’s presentation is strictly personality-based versus influenced by a possible lack of diverse life experiences. Nature versus nurture, as it were. The first of the above quotes seem to suggest he hasn’t done much traveling, and may have some wanderlust in him (potentially hinting at moon elf wanderlust leanings?), but then why wasn’t he out traveling? Why did he become a magistrate? There is much life to be lived in great depth and diversity when one stays in one place, true. But we really know so little about Astarion’s past before Cazador, all in all, and that intriguingly puts him back in step with most of the other companions at this point of backstory reveal, I’d say. If we include Cazador’s influence, I’d say we’ve seen quite a bit more of his story than most of the others because there’s a lot more visibility and immediately-threatening emotional tension in his story, even when compared to Gale’s, surprisingly, followed by Wyll’s, Shadowheart’s, and then Lae’zel’s as of what I personally have seen of their stories (my knowledge may be lacking, even as far as Early Access content goes.) To be fair though, Astarion is the one who thus far shows the most visible, dramatic expressions of fear and trauma regarding his backstory than all the rest, so that would be a major factor as to why it feels like we’ve seen more of his tale, among other factors. Regarding life experiences within a more geographically limited area though—that puts some of Astarion’s comments as even more markedly odd to me. Specifically those comments of his after Auntie Ethel poofs away into thin air, should the party slay Mayrina’s brothers for Ethel, “I haven’t spent much time with helpless old ladies.” Perhaps his specification is the helpless part, but even if he was spending time with powerful old ladies, who asks “is it normal for the elderly to disappear into thin air like that?” He must have met some older people, ladies included, as Baldur’s Gate is not a strictly elven city, according to the wiki its demographics are mostly human but widely diverse. [Link to wiki page here.] This is especially strange if he’s of a noble background and was ostensibly working with other government officials, one would expect a range of ages with plenty of older individuals present both in his work and social circles, even if only in passing. That’s just not adding up, especially if it’s a genuine question, which his expressions and tone of voice during his inquiry in addition to his responses afterwards to the MC’s various dialogue options all seem to suggest if not confirm. If that question was coming from a young character who hasn’t seen the world, one would assume they were just incredibly sheltered. What does it mean coming from Astarion? What’s even stranger is that Astarion is the one who baits the MC into a trap using a similar disception upon meeting—”Hurry, I’ve got one of those brain things cornered!” One would think Astarion would recognize a ruse like that as one of the oldest tricks in the book: pretend to be helpless to get someone else to do the dirty work for you. Such a trick often is pulled off well especially when the pretender is either a) pretty/handsome, b) innocent looking (young or otherwise), c) dressed in a uniform or clothes that have helpful connotations for snap judgements in one’s favor (e.g. wearing good-aligned clergy garments), d) helpless looking (young, old, specific subgroups depending on culture, disabled, etc), or has other elements to their advantage there. If Astarion doesn’t recognize that particular ruse, which he doesn’t seem to, that has additional implications going on for him. If he did recognize the ruse, one would expect his reaction to be much more in line with Shadowheart’s. If he recognized it and was hiding it, one would think he wouldn’t want to play stupid, if only for pride’s sake—for all that Astarion has done things that have unquestionably humbled him, his penchant for verbal wit and criticism (various insults aimed at the MC and others regarding their intellect/stupidity) and touchy ego makes playing stupid seem like a very emotionally taxing and potentially painful thing for him to do, and thus not worth the mental/emotional effort in what looks like a very low-stakes situation. He seems too impulsive and reactive to be planning out a long-term con of hiding his intelligence, he makes far too many quips to pull that off at this point. Assuming Astarion does indeed not recognize the ruse beforehand, some of the possible implications for that could speculate on his overall awareness of his techniques when it comes to deception and manipulation. He definitely can spot it on occasion based on a narrated internal monologue line presumably from his origin— *I gave her a hard look. Never play a player.* [Linked to the audio of this line here from scionsandsinners’s blog] That he spots it in the potential origin line above, but presumably not with Auntie Ethel, might suggest that his experience is likely limited to within certain restricted lanes of behavior, likely seduction were one to guess based on what we know of his backstory and some datamined emotional directions/descriptions for voice acting, along with speculation based on his in-game behavior and demeanor. That would potentially push him moreso towards appearing when being manipulative to be doing so out of either self-perceived need (e.g. defending personal interests, inquiring after information of interest, etc), learned response, social norms, and other short term motivations that are more situational than long-term planning. I admit I’m still personally not of the opinion he’s playing a long-term game, and is playing it by ear as he goes—both honestly and not-so-honestly, as mentioned in previous posts on the subject. [Mentioned past essay post of mine linked here] In regards to short-term machinations, I think they’re all largely emotion or survival driven, as far as we’ve seen. I would include the voice acting direction for the romance scene where it’s noted that this is a power game for Astarion and that he’s an old hand at seducing others. Specifically from the synopsis: “For Astarion, this is a game of power - one he’s played many times before in the taverns of Baldur’s Gate, trying to lure people back to his master. He’s an old hand at seduction, very self-assured at first, but the player might not go along with the script he expects them to follow.” [Link to Pjenn’s post here.] I’ve seen intriguing, angsty, and fun takes on what this might mean all around tumblr, so allow me to offer up an additional one that might either compliment some of the already circulating pre-existing ones, or stand on its own depending on personal preference. Consider what power means to Astarion in the context of seducing someone specifically when it’s to lure them back to Cazador’s mansion under orders. It truly isn’t power in the sense of anything one might consider meaningful even under broad definitions. It’s a short-term deception, appealing to someone enough to get them to do what he wants for a short time, likely just enough time to flirt and then bait them back to Cazador’s estate (we’ll be skipping over speculation of anything else Astarion and company might get up to between point A and point B in this essay for simplicity’s sake, though there is much to consider on how it might impact his behavior and outlook there.) One of the specific words of interest I would say is the use of “script” in there. I’m sure others can hear it too when they listen to his dialogue during the party romance scene, but it really does sound like he’s putting on a tried-and-true act that might come across as a little over the top in romantic-dramatic-flair. One potential inference that can be gleaned from this might be some of Astarion’s expectations regarding how people perceive him, and most specifically how people perceive him in a desirous way. I will admit, Astarion’s romance scene makes me laugh, I'm impressed he and the MC both can avoid laughing at his lines in-scene, no disrespect intended. To me, he sounds like he ripped those lines straight out of a torrid romance novel, the kind where women might have a momentary description of heaving, delicate bosoms barely constrained by their bodice laces, while the men have had their shirts ripped open to display rippling muscles in a moment of romantic daring do. It makes me wonder if someone will go with a modern AU idea of BG3′s main crew that includes Astarion moonlighting as a much beloved romance/erotica writer under a nom de plume—the man has lines and characteristics that would shift well in such a verse-transposition. With that comparison in mind, I would suggest that Astarion is very, very used to playing the role of the illicit lover, the tempter of passions and other archetypes wherein he is the one confidently enticing people to cross the line of propriety with him for the implied, unspoken promise of a night filled with unparalleled ravishment. It might be he is fully, intentionally playing up to people’s fantasies about the passionate lover who falls madly in love with them at first glance. The fantasy of being so madly desired, as put forth by some romance stories. Then we have this other portion of the acting direction for the scene, “... very self-assured at first, but the player might not go along with the script he expects them to follow.” Isn’t that interesting? “Very self-assured at first,” why only at first? What changes? Does he have little doubts springing to mind then, because the realization that he knew, but didn’t really know until this moment when he feels the difference, that this isn’t just another routine night like all those other countless nights over the past two centuries where he had to tempt some poor, unfortunate soul back to Cazador’s waiting clutches? That this is someone he’s picked to spend the night with, solely for his own motivations, with no one else pulling the strings? Is it another moment of the realization of freedom, wherein he feels a touch terrified? Suddenly there is no script, there is no expectation of what he’s seen happen time after time after time after time to each person who’s looked at him the way the MC is looking at him now. Is it anxiety? Is it trauma? Is he feeling a moment of distant, cognitive dissonance that this time, this time, this person whom he’s picked, won’t be dead at the end of this? That he doesn’t have to hold them at arm’s length with the they’ll be dead soon or worse mentality he may have had previously...but can he afford to care? Does he dare? Whether he does or does not, it could be such a scary little moment of epiphany, that he even has the option to do so without immediate, horrendous repercussions. But can he really care, even without Cazador looming overhead as an immediate threat? Even if Cazador is slightly more distant now...there’s still the matter of the tadpoles. There is so much uncertainty potentially. Could this be the last chance he gets at having as close to a normal night of fully consenting, fully aware, mutual passion with another person as he can ever have, as a vampire spawn? Astarion could be interpreted as a character who is very strongly ruled by his emotions, in particular his fears and his desires. Does it befit his fears or his wants more to engage as he does in the romance scene? I’d guess moreso his fears, but it’s a fun back-and-forth he’s got as a character, zigzagging between those two extremes. He fears trusting as denoted in the dialogue from him if you fail the persuasion check asking him to trust you and to talk about who he dreamed about, but since you can persuade him...does that mean he wants to trust? If he speaks truthfully in this following scene, he does trust the MC to some degree out of necessity and/or the want to trust, as mentioned if you use the illithid powers in the camp bite scene where he’s revealed to be a vampire. He has likely been alone among the crowd of Cazador’s other spawn, given the lack of mention of anyone else, friend or otherwise, in his banter with Shadowheart regarding if there was anyone waiting for him back in Baldur’s Gate and other general conversations and discussions. That’s rather concerning truth be told, to go two hundred years with what might be a complete lack of positive or healthy social connection. Another thing Cazador has ripped away intentionally, it would seem. Does he want connection, meaningful friendship or otherwise? The fact that his approval rating has an impact on his manner of address of the MC or other selected origin character seems like it could be read as a suggestion that he does show whom he likes and dislikes openly in fairly standard socializing behaviors. That he does want to spend time around people whom he likes, who like him back. What would’ve been terribly clever of Larian (said without being able to compare all the different levels of approval shown via dialogue general greetings from the different companions), is if they had a character whose greeting was still amicable, polite, and most importantly friendly even when their approval of you was low. What if such a theoretical character’s greetings never changed, or changed very little aside from some variation at higher approval levels? That could be a great little twist of game mechanics to show either Something Isn’t Right, or that the character is a great liar, through meta knowledge on the player’s part of comparing all these disparate little details to compare and contrast. That kind of tell could be used to show that a character lacks either a degree of empathy and care for the main character, or that they are keeping the MC at arms’ length regardless of what the MC does (barring some potential high-approval impact and side-quest-completion that leads to influencing such a character, who might otherwise be a betrayer, into remaining loyal.) Seeing as Astarion lacks those major tells as of yet and that he does engage honestly either through persuasion or eventual revelation (such as if you fail the first dream-convo persuasion check, you find out from when he wakes up from nightmares regarding Cazador “reading poetry” what his dreams really were about), one could assume he does, in spite of all he’s been through, despite all the reasons he’s been given to fear, all the repetition beaten into his head to never trust another person ever again or to ever be trusted ever again... ...in spite of all that, perhaps a part of him still wants to reach out and engage with others. That some part of him still wants to interact as most if not all people do, in an emotionally meaningful and honest way. He says to the MC that he thinks they want to be known—and as I’m sure many of you clever lot who are in the shipping business alongside the rest of us have already thought or written out into fic, it very well may be that Astarion wants to be known too. Not just in the romantic or impassioned-love-affair manner of speaking, but simply for who he is, with both the MC and the rest of the group too. Accepted. Does he enjoy the little quips and barbs (assuming he actually is allowed to drink humanoid blood) such as from Shadowheart regarding his vampirism? Does that feel like a new, pleasant normal to him that he likes after a while? A joke between friends? Like the line “You know? I’m a little proud none of you were stupid enough to trust him!” [Linked here from scionsandsinners’s blog] while definitely still sporting his current insultingly low bar of expectations, it could be a nice potential build towards actually getting attached to the group on the whole as friends. Did he have that before he turned at all? Did he want that before? It seems likely given what we’ve seen of his raw emotional drive, that his potential desire for meaningful connection however obscured behind quips and barbs, that those elements were always a part of him in some way, shape or form. Does he remember, though? Or is it potentially something he’s forgotten, to some extent or other? Does he remember vaguely what friendship was like as another hollow memory among many, after so many years of torment wearing away at his mind? Do his friends from life if any still live? That could be bittersweet, if he did leave someone behind from when he was alive, that we might meet in Baldur’s Gate. He calls that Before—that time when he was still alive, before he lay dying and accepted Cazador’s offer of eternal life and was thus turned into a vampire spawn—so long ago it’s ancient history. “Everything before that is so long ago it’s ancient history and everything that came after…well uhm–I’d rather not reflect on it.” [Link here, from scionsandsinners] In some lines, tentatively guessed as post-vampire-status-reveal casual dialogue regarding his past before Cazador, relating to his days as a magistrate, he says he can’t remember what happened too clearly. “I…can’t remember much, truth be told–centuries of torment will do that to you.” [link from scionsandsinners blog]  According to google searches on the internet for DND rules regarding the turning of vampires and vampire spawn, they do seem to retain the memories of their life even into undeath. Astarion certainly could be obfuscating and lying about how much he remembers from back then...but consider this alternative as a possibility: What if he isn’t? [Spoilers for some of the Amnesia game series ahead, specifically Amnesia: The Dark Descent, and the DLC Amnesia: Justine.] What if he does have a certain degree of memory loss? Enter the comparison of Daniel and Justine both from Amnesia: The Dark Descent and the game’s DLC. Astarion, unlike the main character for Amnesia’s main campaign Daniel, did not technically volunteer for memory loss...unless one counts agreeing to take Cazador’s deal as volunteering, specifically without full and knowing consent of what he was getting into. Daniel in comparison knowingly and willingly ingests a potion to erase his memories, and leaves a note to motivate himself and thus the player to follow the course of ensuing events that make up the game. Justine does so in a similar fashion to Daniel, but her memory loss is intentionally temporary, whereas Daniel seems to have meant for it to be of a more permanent fashion. What if part of Cazador’s intentions regarding torturing his spawn, including Astarion, was to break down memories of happier times until those spawn could only remember that they had ever been happy once, not the actual memory, not the actual feeling—only the bitter, hollow forgetfulness and knowledge that they had known, once? Starvation is devastating in many, many, many ways. Ways that are so rarely fully explored in fiction beyond the feeling of extreme hunger. Few, after all, would consider the impact of malnourishment or a constant caloric deficit upon mental faculties unless they have observed it, experienced it, or studied it. It is possible to suffer actual physical brain damage from starving, so one must ask is it so surprising that the ability to think, comprehend, and process information, memory or emotion also falters when under the very real physical stress of prolonged famine? The brain eats up at least a fifth of the baseline caloric intake required for the average person’s bodily needs. It does not compromise well for less without the person in question suffering consequences for most if not all individuals. We know Astarion has not had more than enough to barely survive under Cazador, and the quality has been well below subpar at best. What if, after all he’s been through, with the exhaustion of constant fear and extreme pain, of unending ravenous hunger, and so much more...what if Astarion can’t remember much of before at all? What if he has forgotten chunks of his past? He does remember large, broad brushstrokes yes, the shape of ideas and what he once knew. The home he might long to see that he has not laid eyes upon in centuries [mentioned in the conversation with the Ornate Mirror if Astarion is the one talking to it (or does it require he be the chosen main origin?) I have no source available at this current time alas.] How much of that home does he remember in full? I’m sure he can recall some details...but are they the abstract knowledge of those details of what he knew they were like, or the actual memory?  Can you imagine the added layer of pain for an elf, if Larian is working with any of the racial features involving trancing, or the Reverie, if it’s built based off of the 2e DND Complete Book of Elves excerpt as mentioned in the following linked thread? [Posted by Remathilis, key word phrase is “The Reverie” or “The reverie is akin to sleep”, linked here] Specifically if these elements are at play:  “The reverie is akin to sleep, yet is very much unlike it. When elves enter this state, they vividly relive past memories, those both pleasant and painful. Like the dreaming of humans, elves have no control over which memories rise to the fore when they relinquish their bodies to the reverie. Occasionally, elves do actually dream, but this is not a frequent occurrence and mostly occurs only when they truly sleep.” “Although the reverie provides rest, it is primarily an important memory tool that helps the elf maintain a strong sense of identity. Since their lifespans are so great, elves must periodically recall the events in those hundreds of years that were integral to the making of their personality.”  This is from older versions of DND rules it’s true, but if it still applies, and applies to Astarion? This man has had over two hundred years’ worth of memories full of suffering and torment that, if he’s having traumatic PTSD nightmare episodes also helping to induce a higher frequency of recalling his torment at the hands of Cazador both during those centuries and afterwards, are potentially shaping his personality not only through the channels we can recognize in both fiction and the real world in psychological and physiological terms, but also supernatural or magical influences due to his being an elf and potentially shaped by the influence of what memories his reverie might dredge up. And the larger the number of traumatic, dark, fearful memories he has, the more likely he is to encounter them, especially if they’re coupled with a constant, ongoing fear of knowing these memories will be made anew each night unto infinity if he is stuck bound to Cazador’s service forever. Who wants to bet Cazador knew about this aspect of elven psychology/biology? Or at the very least speculated it, as far as having elven vampire spawn went? It will be interesting to see if there are other elven vampire spawn among Cazador’s underlings—either for the route of Cazador taking a particular extra pleasure in breaking elves because they are supposedly harder to influence in such a manner if he had others before Astarion, or if Astarion was the first elf Cazador turned, then perhaps Astarion received particular, special attention for being seen as an added challenge due to being an elf. Alexander from Amnesia however had to use a slightly defter touch to manipulate Daniel, having not so concrete a hold over him as Cazador over Astarion. But the torture of others, of fleeing to Alexander’s or Cazador’s promise of safety from an impending horror or threat of death, followed by a descent into the dark, unyielding despair of what Daniel or Astarion have done to survive? They do have potential parallels enough to make for a possible AU exploration in fics, certainly. One question that arises in this scenario of comparison though, is how much is Astarion aware of? How much of Cazador’s insidious influence does he recognize, in particular the more subtle parts that have seeped in over the years? Consider then the added layer of stark, blinding contrast, that he now has new memories, of new people, new experiences, in particular ones that are not torture or the anticipation of said torture, and it’s all in the daylight. Memories of daylight the likes of which he’s not had in two hundred years. Consider the mere color contrast from the lighting difference of daylight versus night time, like in the line where he asks  “Was the sky always this blue? It’s magnificent…” [Link here to the audio, presumed triggered after vampire status reveal] If he dreams in reverie and the memory that comes to mind is set in the daytime...would he feel a bit safer in hoping that it will be a safer, better dream, than if it’s set in the night time? Consider how much of a horrible, terror-inducing surprise it might be to dream of a sun-filled garden, only to see an idealized version of Cazador show up, a la the tadpole. That has to be the meanest surprise-twist Astarion could have for a dream setting there. But on other nights if he does not have memories of Cazador or tadpole dreams plaguing him, does he dream of the camp, the companions, the MC, the actions their group has undertaken? What does he think of those dream-memories? Are they only relatively restful compared to the other dark memories lurking in his head, or are these new daylight-filled memories actually objectively restful for him? Perhaps one additional group of reasons he’s willing to join up with the party, is to get away from the memories. With people, there is the added unknown factor of complexity and chemistry, of lives and histories not his own added to the mix of any situation they come across. Of interaction. Of not being left alone to his own thoughts and nightmares. This group’s members aren’t victims meant for Cazador’s fangs and thirst, nor are they Cazador’s spawn, fellow damned souls and torturous devils both who alternate suffering upon the rack and potentially being the ones to turn the rack’s wheels for whoever is tied down upon it that night. Mayhaps Astarion wants to remember more of the things he’s forgotten in the darkness of all the years he’s suffered under Cazador—to make new memories of things he would associate with living, with being free. To fill in the hollowed out abstract memories with fresh, new details of life lived in the sun, in the here and now. Is he aware of just how much he’s forgotten? Even if he isn’t fully cognizant of the full tally of all that he’s potentially lost...it must still hurt to have an idea of how much he’s lost even if he’s only partially aware. In this, he might hold more comparison to Justine from Amnesia’s DLC moreso than Daniel, depending on what choices Astarion makes if he’s the chosen origin, or on the MC’s choices if it’s a custom origin playthrough—with Justine, her choices are all setup and intended to be an exploration of who she is as an exploration of character, to find out if she is capable of mercy and compassion still—while exercising a great deal of monstrous cruelty for her own amusement. With Daniel there is still the solid comparison of thematic elements in that his quest is a desperate pursuit of revenge while trying to outrun a great evil, all while acknowledging that he himself is horrifying as well. Justine’s story would parallel Astarion far more so on the dark path through Baldur’s Gate 3, naturally, whereas Daniel, if one selected the Revenge Ending at the end of Amnesia, has more in common with Astarion’s tentatively projected good route—revenge, while also ending a greater evil than himself. The parallel with Daniel may possibly even include a comparison to Amnesia’s Good Ending depending on what direction Larian takes Astarion’s story in. I doubt Larian would have Astarion become self-sacrificial, but I could see him potentially becoming much more inclined towards helping his friends and party members on a good-aligned path, as he seems at least not entirely unwilling to engage in do-goodery, particularly if bribed enough. There’s also certainly the idea of comparing Daniel being “tainted” as Alexander put it by the Shadow to Astarion’s potential point of view on his vampirism, given some of his expressions at times in emotional scenes relating to it. Then also the comparison of all the horrors Daniel has inflicted upon people, as have Justine and Astarion, and the fact that after the amnestic-influence of their specific story elements in this build, they are ultimately all able to be influenced towards better or worse endings dependent upon more immediate influences, namely the people surrounding them, and less so from long-standing influences of their past such as tradition, upbringing, and other core elements of identity that memory so often brings to the table, or at least helps formulate the detailing of. Justine admittedly does not really have “better” endings, but her horror story’s core could be interpreted as “was truly a monster at heart all along” from start to finish. Will Astarion prove to be similarly corrupt at his core, something that had always been true deep down regardless of Cazador’s influence on him, ultimately sowing harm and ruin upon the world and people around him, like Justine? Or will he turn out to be leaning towards being more of a good-inclined, flawed character with a bloodstained history he regrets and seeks to overcome, like Daniel? As a disclaimer though, Daniel is not a Good-aligned personality. He did many horrifying things to preserve his life, and Astarion certainly has done terrible things canonically under Cazador’s direction, though we still wait to see what Astarion did back when he was free to choose. With the attention to detail Larian Studios is applying as is to just what we’ve seen in Early Access, I would expect a fairly nuanced backstory for Astarion with murky morality, based on what we see of his opinions and character traits now. Another idea just to let loose an additional fox among the chickens: Consider the added layer of potential morality conflict in the scenario where Astarion might actually have very well been pursuing his idea of justice as a magistrate— coupled with his low opinions of others which he may have had before Cazador turned him, along with his racist/discriminatory comments and behaviors (re: Gur, Goblins, Gnomes, Kobolds, etc), likely suggests he could very well have been very biased in his perspective on how he meted out justice. I would not be surprised if Larian Studios kept the story idea that he was selling criminals off, but I also would not be at all shocked if they added details where it made what Astarion was dishing out closer to overly-harsh street-justice—he makes a fine murder-hobo adventurer as it is when the watchword of the day for many an adventuring party is “Murder Is An Acceptable Solution If Words Aren’t Working.” I also wouldn’t bat an eye should we find out he was as judgmental and cynical before Cazador as he is now, albeit perhaps with a different bend to his outlook from life experience influences. This all really ties in well with the usual game build of everyone starting at level one, as brand new, green adventurers—barring past adventuring experiences for backstory like Wyll, Lae’zel, and Shadowheart do or potentially have—at the start of their journey, off to explore the world and grow into the world-savers (or world-enders) they’re destined to be in a given campaign. Astarion fits this very well on many levels, among them given the fact how new everything is to him with this sudden change of the rules altering the very fabric of his existence. He has to deal with figuring out how to deal with his vampirism under his own agency and all the ensuing complications that come with that, has to figure out how to socially interact with others in all new ways, has to level up to go on his personal quest to save his own hide and eventually his friends’ and the world—it’s all so new and different, even the things he’s experienced before with such a drastic perspective shift and a change in power. It ties right back into his tagline so nicely too if that ends up being a possible theme of his, the whole memory-loss/memory-informing-his-identity element of being an elf: “ Astarion prowled the night as a vampire spawn for centuries, serving a sadistic master until he was snatched away. Now he can walk in the light, but can he leave his wicked past behind?” Can he leave those memories behind and forge himself into a better version of himself, if that is what he wants? What choices will Astarion make, if he does indeed have warped memories due to Cazador’s corroding influence to the point of some degree of memory loss? How will this flood of new sensory and social experiences change him as he goes forward? Who will Astarion choose to be, at the end of the day when they reach the road’s end? Will he let those dark memories twist and shape him, or will he try to make new ones among new friends, and follow their lead back into the sunlight? So many potential questions! Speaking of potential good-versus-bad-paths, this line isn’t in the game yet, but I feel it suggests Astarion might have a certain tolerance or perhaps even willingness to at least consider going out and saving the world, beyond lines we’re all familiar with already at the Tiefling celebration party: “Don’t you think we have other priorities right now? We need to save ourselves before we can save the world.” [Link here from Pjenn’s datamined post, dialogue theoretically occurs after a currently locked-off from Early Access encounter with a drow servant of the Absolute in the Underdark] It makes for a lot of intriguing possibilities, I dare say, all of which could make for marvelous variations in core character trait builds and influences for different interpretations of Astarion as a character. So many choices and gradients to play with, he and all the rest of the main cast have such nuance, it’s fantastic. The cast of characters all so far seem to have a wide variety of wants and motivations, and Larian seems like they might be quite determined to blur the line and inspire more rich exploration opportunities regarding perceived morality among many other potential topics of discussion—we have good characters with on-going flaws and darker motivations, evil characters with recurrent virtues and sympathetic appeal, and quite a few in-between when non-party-member NPCs are included in the mix. I do think Astarion along with all the rest of the party fit into those kinds of complicated-morality situations we’ve seen play out and be hinted at so very nicely, and it will be such fun to see how they grow through these experiences! It’s marvelous writing, directing, animation, acting, and just straight up work all across the board it looks like from over here. Anyway, thank you all for coming along on this literary ramble with me, I hope you had a fine time and that you all have a lovely day or night as befits your current timezone. Happy tidings to you, and stay safe everyone, and see you next time! :D

Secrets

Fandom: Twisted Wonderland 

Characters: Azul Ashengrotto v.s  Idia Shroud

Reader: Female 

Warnings: Yandere content 

Other Info: Part one, heavy dialogue, probably bad spelling,  

The bell had rung announcing it was time to go back to the dorms. Students rushed out of the building and most started running as it seemed like it was going to rain. Unlike the others (Y/n) couldn’t afford to get a run not when her boyfriend could easily catch up to her if she waited for one of her friends to pick her up, and she honestly didn't feel like drowning in questions if he showed up. This resulted in the girl deciding on walking home it might be quite far, but much better than confronting him. The girl started walking as fast as she could while looking over her shoulder every once in a while trying to spot any of his silver hair; a dead giveaway that he was following her. A good ten minutes passed without the male appearing giving the girl a false sense of security. She stops next to a tree, deciding to take out the gift her friend had given her out of the bag. When suddenly she felt a hand grab her shoulder from behind. Her fist flew towards the figure, the person skillfully caught her attack and firmly held her hand, bruising it in the process.

“Angelfish! I’m not a punching bag.”

The maiden looked into the blue eyes of the tall figure, her heart overflowing with panic.

“Oh, it’s you Azul.” Soon as his name fell from her lips the male gripped her hand tighter making the girl winced. The young man took notice of her pained look, but ignored it.

“Azul? What happened to honey?” The boy jests.

“I apologize, my mind is completely scrambled that I forgot.”

“Oh angel fish, don’t fret I won't hold it against you.” Azul took a quick glance at her hand, he saw the mark he left, ignoring it as well, “Why were you so on-guard back there? Were you expecting someone to attack you.” He joked, making the maiden roll her eyes.

“You can never be too careful.”

“If that’s the case I'm walking you to your dorm for extra security. You’re too feeble.” He cheerily stated.

“I guess.” The pale male put his arm around her shoulders. “So how was your trip?”

“It was fun to say the least.” Her eyes sparkled with joy and excitement, remembering her wonderful time at the beach alongside her best friend. Her train of thought interrupted by the blue-eyed male.

“That’s all you have to say.”

“Well I got to see some sharks, Idia almost drowned and-”

“Wait my board game buddy almost drowned HA! I wish I could witness it.” (Y/n)’s hand instantly turned into a fist, and she swung her arm towards the male and it almost collided against his face. She glimpsed to the right seeing her hand was being held back once again by the silver haired male and to add insult to the injury the young man shook his head and mouth out truly pathetic. (Y/n)’s cheeks now scarlet and puffed, she will wipe that smirk out of him. Azul was now looking the other way while laughing at her pitiful attempt of a punch, she used this opportunity to use her left arm to smack him as hard as possible on the back of his head.

“What was that for?!” Azul removed his arm from her shoulder to start rubbing his head and immediately started to laugh. The maiden’s head now gazing at the grey sky, a visible pink hue of her cheeks,

“God, Azul, you’re so callous. No wonder you don’t have any friends.”

“I don’t need friends. All I need is you” The maiden shook her head, maybe Ace was right only stupidity comes out Azul’s mouth.

“Everyone needs friends. Even stone-cold, ruthless, heartless, overachievers like you,” the maiden smiled.

“I don’t need friends. It’s just a meaningless word and all humans are disappointing and besides, the leech twins are enough. You should be the one getting new friends” Azul argued back.

“And that’s the kind of talk that’ll have you being friends with cats, forever.”

“New friends?” She raised one eyebrow and looked up at him. The girl raised her hand, making the silver hair male raise his own prepared for another assault, but realize that she was just counting her fingers,

“Ace, Deuce and the others are great friends.”

“I doubt it.”

“See what I’m talking about!” Using the hand he raised up he pulled her into a tight embrace resting his chin on top of her head and smiling into her hair,

“Nope.” Azul responded smugly.

“You're impossible.” He let go of her, and they started to walk once again.

They were half-way when she realized that Azul wasn’t even wearing a jacket and wondered if he was getting cold, but remembering that this is the guy who used to live in the Coral Sea. Azul had watched (Y/n) get more and more goosebumps as well as how she rubbed her arms for heat during their way to her dorm. He didn’t want his angel fish to turn to ice, so he proceeded in taking off his grey coat and offering it to her, leaving him exposed to the rain. The girl tilted her head showing the boy what she had previously taken out of the bag; a black motorcycle jacket he perceived belonged to Idia. The girl heard a slightly inhuman, low growl coming from her partner at the sight of the object. Azul snatched it and fairly quickly threw it far away, (Y/n)’s eyes widened and her mind started going a mile per minute, she could feel her mind being clouded by anger and sadness. Once more handing his grey coat towards her, she couldn’t help but turn around and cross her arms. She could feel small droplets fall to her face and the wind growing colder. She suddenly felt a soft material being draped over her shoulders taking a peak she recognized to be a coat she refused to take. Turning to face Azul, she saw him staring into the ground while shifting his left leg  side-to-side. He raised his head making the best puppy eyes (Y/n) has ever seen,

“Well…”

“Thank you,” mumbled (Y/n) while putting on the clothing correctly, not seeing Azul smirking.

“What was that?”

“Thank you! Happy,” (Y/n) answer sarcastically.

“Was it that difficult?”

“Practically took ten years out of me,” she told him. They started walking once more. The sky got darker by the minute, the rain was dropping faster than before, and the wind got wilder, colder. For the girl it felt like she was walking through a hurricane, but for the young man, it felt like a sunny day.

“Angelfish.” The maiden turn to face him

“What?”

“Did Idia waste all his lottery money?” He hissed, something (Y/n) brushed off.

“No he didn’t, he said something about saving for something special.” Her hands clenched into fists.

“Don’t tell me, more video games.” He sarcastically noted.

“Not exactly.” Azul could see how (Y/n) was scratching her neck in an awkward manner.

“Why even ask me this?”

“Just wondering.”

“Well wonder to him not me.” With that in mind he decided on pushing her buttons.

“You know I been wonder-“

“What did I just tell you?”

“Don't fret is not about Idia, it’s for you Angelfish,” Azul stops her “did you gain weight because last time I saw you,” the male lightly tapped her stomach “this was flat.”

“What!!! No I… I Haven’t!!! Is just your imagination.” The girl’s face quickly turned crimson. Looking away from him, her wide eyes in realization of what that meant. Grabbing her chin turning to face him, he spoke once more,

“Don’t lie to me. I get it beach food is exquisite, but this is a bit over bored.”

“Okay, so what?! You know I stress eat” (Y/n) tried putting an embarrassing facade, but Azul is no fool and easily saw through it, but dismissed it. “I’m not buying that. Stress about what? You had two months to worry about nothing.” She could hear her heart beating quickly, her mind trying to think of any excuse but came out blank every time, so she did the best next thing.

“Shut up!” The male slightly cringed at the maiden’s harsh words that seemed to hit a sensitive spot in his heart.

“Okay I’ll drop the subject.” He knew pushing the subject would continue to aggravate her beyond the tipping point after her outburst but he knew that this was more than just food. After the girl had cooled down from her confrontation with the male she decided to speak up again, “Talking about months, what did you do when I was gone? You never did tell me.”

“How I am supposed to tell you when you've been avoiding me like the plague since your return.”

“I apologize it was never my intention to avoid you.” Her voice sounded honey-like, a telltale sign for him that she was lying.

“Is that so? Well I started to earn more money to start our future together.”

“Future together?” (Y/n) asked herself under her breath. Her eyebrows rise gradually in realization. Her action was misinterpreted by the male to be one of worries, so he held her hands to explain what he meant, “I want to start a family with you.”

“Don't you think we are going too fast.”

“Not at all,” responded Azul, ignoring the fact he tightened his grip around her hand, injuring even further.

“Since when did we decide this?” (Y/n) inquired in an ill tone while trying to pried her hand off his iron grip.

“When you left for your trip. Or do you think I will not be a suitable husb-”

“NO! No, that's not it at all.”

“Your face is telling me otherwise.” He loosen his grip enough for the girl to pull it. Her hand now purple than its original color, something the male considered ironic. To reassure her of his love he spoke once more but in a softer more gentle tone, “You do know I only fancy you, my angel fish. No one will love you the way I do, remember that.” Those words click something on her brain. Guilt, sorrow, regret slowly washed over her. Had she made a mistake? Perhap. A million things started going through her already scrambled mind. To not make things more awkward the girl started walking back up again not caring if the male followed. The mild rain had now turned into a full on storm.

“Angelfish”

“What now Azul?” The maiden snapped. Her tears were covered by the heavy rain but he could tell what fell from the sky and what fell from her eyes.

“Planning on going to Ignihyde?” Azul told her trying to lighten up the mood.

“No, why?” (Y/n) asked, confused at his question. He laughed, “Because you passed your dorm.”

“That can’t be” turning around she did indeed pass her dorm, how could that be? Her hands came up to her face to cover her embarrassment.

“You're too careless. I’m glad I came along.” He took one of her hands off her face to guide her. By doing that the girl could see how truly beautiful her partner looked. His face and upper body tainted by the water, wilded silver hair tamed by the small droplets, his features held gentleness and delicateness under the rain. This made the maiden look down, shame taking over her. She truly messed up on her decisions. How she wishes she could manipulate time. They arrive in front of her dorm. The silence broken by the young man, “Is Grim home?”

“No, he said he was going to hang out with ADeuce. Why?”

“Grim was going to give some things,” The maiden shot him a perplexed look “it's a secret, of course,” he added.

“If you want, I can go check his-”

“No no I’ll tell him to give it to me another day.”

“Oh, okay. Goodbye.”

“That’s not the tone I want to hear,” he murmured. “Before I forget, tell the Idia we have a match tomorrow.” Azul added.

“Okay!”

“Well I’m glad you're back, I missed you so much, Angelfish.” (Y/n) could hear the happy delight in his voice. The silver-haired male waved farewell and started walking towards his own dorm which was not far from her own. Arriving at his dorm, he entered the Mostro Lounge; The leech twins waiting for his commands. He took a seat at one of the couches not caring if he got it wet in the process. Once seated Azul took the mobile device out of his back pocket and started calling gold-eyed senior's number while directing the twins towards him.

“Hello Idia, It’s Azul, where are you?”

“I’m in my room. Need something?”

“Yes,” He hisses, “You wouldn’t mind if I go? Right” he told him in a bitter tone.

“Of course not!” The silver-haired man cared very little about the senior’s response even if he said no, he would still go.

“I’ll be right there.”

He was going to fix this even if it means getting his hands filthy.

CQL Rewatch - Ep 17

For once, I agree with Jiang Cheng. Wei Wuxian probably spends way too much time thinking about alcohol. Yanli is, as usual, completely delighted by him.

I can’t really even imagine what this would be like for Wei Wuxian. Coming back to the place that used to be your home to search for who you consider your brother, having no idea if he’s dead or alive, and if he’s alive, what state he’s in. Every place houses one memory, if not hundreds. Wei Wuxian spent the better part of his live at Lotus Pier, over a decade, and in the span of a few hours, it’s just gone. I want to say that it gets burned in the book (but I can’t say that for certain)—however, that does make more sense when later on in CQL, they talk about Jiang Cheng rebuilding. Honestly, rebuilding doesn’t really make sense if all they had to do was replace a few doors and hang some more Jiang Clan lotuses.

You know what? I actually kind of love how this parallels a later scene. I never really thought of it before: we have Wei Wuxian and Wen Ning, and Jiang Cheng (when later on we swap out Jiang Cheng for Lan Wangji), sitting in a boat near Lotus Pier. Here we get Wei Wuxian, having been forcibly expelled from his home, while very much in charge of Jiang Cheng, who is unconscious. Later on, Wei Wuxian is unconscious, again having been forced to leave what once was his home. In that case, he makes the decision to leave, for one because he is unwelcome, but also because he doesn’t need that home anymore. He has a new idea of home with Lan Wangji, who loves and supports him.

This comparison is interesting because you see that Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji (and even Wen Ning, for goodness’s sake) are willing to cradle their loved ones, risk life and limb for them, and Jiang Cheng just isn’t. Even when he goes looking for Wei Wuxian later on, it’s predicated more on his need for revenge than for saving Wei Wuxian. And again there, we see that his motive and Lan Wangji’s motive are very, very different.

Worst hangover ever. Omg can you imagine being asleep for days and then waking up with your head on a wooden table? Can you imagine the back ache you’d have from being hunched over all that time? Oh my god, truly, it sounds horrific. And this is what innocent little Wen Ning did, hahahaha. Not that I feel bad for any of these assholes—they definitely deserved it. If Wen Ning had gotten caught, though, he would have been executed for treason, I’m sure. It shows you what a huge risk that kid took to help Wei Wuxian and his family—a huge risk. And not only did he risk his own life, he also risks his sister’s life, because he begs her to help as well. It’s unsurprising that Wen Qing is so upset by this, since her one goal is to keep her brother safe, and then he goes and puts both of their lives on the line.

I like how this whole little scene, from the moment Wen Qing steps out and sees Wen Ning and the others standing there, to the point when she tells the guards to stand down, has no dialogue. Neither Wei Wuxian nor Wen Qing speak, but it’s clear that Wei Wuxian is threatening hers and Wen Ning’s lives if she gives them up here. They could have added some whispered dialogue or whatever, but I’m glad they did not, because it’s so powerful—seeing Wei Wuxian shaking with rage and fear is definitely the highlight of the scene. Wen Ning looking at a complete loss is also great. Wen Qing’s actress should have done that scene over—she is just not expressive enough, especially opposite someone like Xiao Zhan, who does such a good job in these emotional scenes. Either way, I do like how cool Wen Qing is at the end, order the guards to back off, while still holding Wei Wuxian’s gaze. This woman has no fear.

I hate this outfit. It is the worst thing that Wei Wuxian wears in the entire series, and that includes the bloody rags he’s wearing when he wakes up in Mo Xuanyu’s body. I don’t know where this outfit came from. Did Wen Ning give it to him? Why? Were his other clothes not fit to wear anymore? Everyone else is in the same clothes—why did he have to go through an outfit change? And what is with that cape? What a pain! Jesus, I’m sorry, but I hate this costume. Normally Wei Wuxian looks amazing, but this is a stinker.

This part is pretty hard to watch: Jiang Cheng being so unresponsive, Wei Wuxian putting on a brave face and trying to accentuate the positive. He knows that Jiang Cheng’s Golden Core is gone at this point, but he doesn’t want to dwell on that. He wants to find a way to help Jiang Cheng, even at the expense of his own future. His request for Jiang Cheng to try again is so sweet—try again and Wei Wuxian will act more affected by it—anything to make Jiang Cheng feel even a little bit better. Not to belittle what Jiang Cheng is going through (because that would be awful—he’s feeling his life is over—how can he be a sect leader, how can he do anything without his Golden Core?), I can’t help but truly identify with Wei Wuxian. I don’t think he’d be human if part of him didn’t feel a little responsible for what happened, even though it really wasn’t his fault (the Wens wanted control and the outcome would have been the same, anyway). He’s probably going over and over in his mind what he could have done differently from the moment the Wens showed up, until when Jiang Cheng ran off on his own. Like most people who really care for one another, Wei Wuxian really wishes that it had been him instead. I think sometimes it’s almost harder to watch someone else suffer than to suffer yourself, especially in this case, because Wei Wuxian can’t do anything for him.

I really love how she reacts to being yelled at and told to go away. She’s taken Jiang Cheng and his family in, given him medicine and food, sheltered them all from their enemies—she’s done all of this, knowing that, if caught, it would mean death for her and her brother. And after Jiang Cheng screams at her, she simply leaves, her head completely cool. It’s unclear to me whether she ever felt anything for Jiang Cheng (some people argue that she 100% did—I really don’t know), but at this moment, she stays level-headed while he is blinded by hatred. It doesn’t matter that she has done all those things for Jiang Cheng, because she’s part of the Wen Clan. But Wen Qing isn’t ruled by her emotions like he is. And I love how she approaches the situation, taking the time to tell her brother how they don’t ever kill—they are healers and have been for generations. It’s such a good message that even in the face of such hostility, she can maintain her duty to continue healing him until they have to leave.

What a fucking mess. At this point, how does he even know what he’s read and what he hasn’t read?

I can’t really tell you how much I love this little scene between Jiang Yanli and Wei Wuxian. It’s hard to even put it in the words, but I feel like I run the gamut of emotions from joy to sadness. Wei Wuxian is doing everything in his power to figure out a way to help Jiang Cheng: he’s hungry, he’s exhausted, he’s depressed, he’s anxious, he’s afraid—and of course Jiang Yanli is all of those things, on top of still recovering from her illness. The joy on his face when he thinks of asking Lan Wangji for help—it makes me smile and breaks my heart at the same time. It’s this fleeting moment where he remembers his old life—their old lives—and then reality sinks in. It seems like Yanli thinks he’s hysterical or something, because as he’s insisting he can reach out to Lan Wangji, she’s insisting that he’s tired and needs rest. She’s trying to ground him to reality, because there’s no way he can get in touch with Lan Wangji with the way things are. Where would he even find him? And Yanli, ugh, my heart breaks for her—she’s just trying so hard to keep her little family together.

And then Wei Wuxian says he thinks it’s his fault, and Yanli loses it. I love her for this insistence that it doesn’t matter whose fault it is. It doesn’t matter—what matters is that it happened and now they have to live on. I mean, she must know that her brother blames Wei Wuxian for this and I think to hear it from Wei Wuxian makes her even more upset. But it’s so true. Placing blame on someone else might make you feel better for a time, or allow you to justify your actions or enact your revenge, but it doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t change that their parents are still dead. It doesn’t change that Lotus Pier was taken over by the Wen Clan. All of that is still there, even if Jiang Cheng and Yanli placed all the blame on Wei Wuxian.

Sorry this one was super short, all. This arc kind of drags in CQL. I think they should have left more mystery, because it’s pretty clear what they’re about to do here. Anyway, two more episodes until Lan Wangji comes back, I think? Ugh…too many.

Other episodes: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 |

I heard that the BBC Dracula adaptation written by Stephen Moffat was really bad, and it made me curious to see just how bad it was, so I decided to watch it for myself. It was not one of my smarter decisions.

But in order that my suffering won’t have been completely in vain, I’ll recap it here for those who are curious as well, to spare you the pain of actually having to watch it. You’re welcome!

Let me describe the viewing experience as best I can.

I have a BBC iPlayer account, so I could watch the show legally. My wife tells me to pirate it instead to avoid giving Moffat the views. She is right. I click on the first episode.

Episode 1

We start with a framing device of a severely ill Jonathan Harker in a Hungarian monastery, telling his story to two nuns. I do not hate this framing device. The original novel was told through diary entries, newspaper articles and letters, so having different characters tell the story of what happened to them to others is a neat way to adapt this type of literary device. The dialogue quickly takes a turn for the ridiculous, though, when one of the nuns, Sister Agatha, asks Jonathan in a silly accent if he had sexual intercourse with Count Dracula. Because queerbaiting? Is vampirism an STD now?

Still, the show tricks us into thinking that it’s going to be a fairly straightforward adaptation of the story as Jonathan recounts how he arrived at the castle, met the Count and became his prisoner. Later, this will turn out to be a sweet, sweet lie, but I don’t know that yet. At first, Dracula looks about a hundred years old and has a bad Romanian accent, but the more he feeds on Jonathan, the younger he gets, and the more refined and posh his British accent. Because this Dracula does not just absorb his victims’ lifeforce but also their knowledge. I find that stupid.

Dracula says the famous “I do not drink... wine” line. Badly. Still, the reference is mildly cute the first time. He repeats the line several times throughout the show, and it gets progressively less funny each time.

Jonathan reads a letter from his fiancee, Mina. In it, she jokes about how she’s going to sleep with all the cute men in the neighbourhood while he’s gone, as well as the adorable bar maiden, if she needs some variety. I sigh as I realize that this is probably what Moffat considers good queer representation.

At one point Jonathan talks about falling asleep, and Sister Agatha proceeds to ask him if he had dirty dreams about his fiancee. She persists with the question, even after Jonathan tells her that that’s private. It doesn’t seem like a pertinent question, but I guess Sister Agatha is just a pervert. Or maybe Moffat is.

Jonathan finishes his story about how he escaped from the castle. He bemoans that he can’t go home to England, because he is such a changed man and he can’t even remember his fiancee’s face. Sister Agatha reveals that the other nun with her is actually Mina. What a tweest! Apparently even before Jonathan told his story, Sister Agatha managed to figure out that he is English, tracked him down, found his fiancee and had her brought over to Budapest. The show is clearly hoping that the unexpectedness of this twist is going to distract us from the fact that it makes no damn sense at all.

It also turns out that Jonathan has become a vampire, and the sight of blood nearly makes him attack Mina. Of course, being one of the main heroes, he was never turned in the novel, not that that matters.

At this point Dracula shows up at the gates of the monastery in the form of a wolf. And I don’t mean that he shapeshifts like an Animorph. He is literally inside the wolf’s body, and he claws his way out of it, emerging at the gates naked and covered in wolf blood. I really don’t know why.

He and Sister Agatha proceed to have a sass-off. My wife makes fun of the dialogue by saying that it’s basically this:

“I’m a badass sister!” “Yeah, but I’m Dracula!” “Yeah, but I’m a badass sister!” “Yeah, but I’m Dracula!” “Yeah, but I’m a badass sister!” “Yeah, but I’m Dracula!” “Yeah, but I’m a badass sister!” “Yeah, but I’m Dracula!”

By the time my wife has finished the joke, the banter is still going on. It feels like it’s never going to end.

The Mother Superior tells the nuns to arm themselves. My wife starts wondering if we’re actually watching a Mel Brooks movie. Also, Sister Agatha is revealed to be Van Helsing. This is not as meaningful as the show seems to think it is, as she and Dracula haven’t had any past encounters. So it’s really just, “Oh, she’s actually a gender-swapped character from the book. That’s cool, I guess.

Finally, Dracula slinks off because he can’t get inside the monastery without being invited. He manages to find Jonathan, now fully a vampire, at a window and gets him to invite him in. You’d think this would be the end of the stupidity, but clearly I haven’t suffered enough yet.

Jonathan finds Mina and Sister Agatha. Sister Agatha tries to fend him off, since he’s, you know, a vampire and tried to feed off of Mina earlier. Mina, however, believes that the power of love can save him, so she approaches him. I point out that in the book, Mina was characterized as being very intelligent, not that that matters. As it turns out, it wasn’t Jonathan at all, but Dracula, wearing Jonathan’s skin, which he rips off, like something out of Hellraiser. He never uses this power again in the rest of the series.

The episode ends with him attacking the two women. Against my better judgement, I decide to watch the next episode, because while this was bad, it was bad in a fascinating way. Almost like something Tommy Wiseau would make. Okay, maybe not. Tommy Wiseau as Dracula would have been a lot more entertaining.

I click on the next episode.

Episode 2

We start with another framing device. This time Dracula is telling the story of his voyage to London to Sister Agatha while they’re playing chess. See, it’s symbolic, because they’re having a game of wits where they’re trying to outsmart each other! Okay, to be honest, I have no idea what Sister Agatha is trying to do. I guess Moffat is too clever for me.

Sister Agatha asks Dracula how he got to England. He tells her that he went on a ship. Inexplicably, this is not the end of that, but he proceeds to tell her about everything that happened on the ship, including conversations between characters that he wasn’t there for. Maybe he was listening at their doors.

I sense impending doom when I realize that this boat journey is going to take up the entire episode. In the book, it only took up a few pages, not that that matters.

Rather than staying in his coffin in the hold during the day, as he does in the book (not that that matters), Dracula mingles with the passengers. When Sister Agatha expresses surprises at that, he comments on how stupid it would be to stay in his coffin in the hold. You know, more adaptations should have lines about how stupid the source material is. It makes you look so smart.

How does Dracula avoid the sunlight during the day, though? Never fear, he simply spits out a pall of fog that surrounds the ship at all times and blocks out the sunlight, because I guess that’s a power he has. Like his wearing of other creatures’ skin, it’s not one he ever uses again, though. He tells Sister Agatha, “Everywhere you go, always take the weather with you.” Because referencing songs from a hundred years in the future is apparently also a power that he has.

We are introduced to the other passengers, who are a surprisingly diverse bunch. I can’t get too excited about this, however, as I know that they are all going to die. One of the passengers is an Indian doctor who has encountered the undead in the past. That would probably make for a more interesting story than this one, but then again, I don’t really want Moffat to tell it, so I don’t know why I’m complaining.

Dracula starts killing off crew and passengers one by one. I keep expecting the show to cut back to the chess game, with him telling Sister Agatha, “To make a long story short, I killed them all.”

The passengers begin to fear a killer on board, but never seem to suspect Dracula, who plays them against each other. They also discover that they’re all travelling to England at the behest of the same mysterious benefactor, who of course is Dracula, using a pseudonym. Because he hand-picked all of them for the special qualities he would gain from drinking their blood or something. It is way more convoluted than it needs to be. Is Moffat capable of writing a protagonist who is not an arrogant white man too clever for everyone around him? We may never know...

Throughout the episode there’s references to an unseen invalid staying in cabin 9. It turns out to be Sister Agatha, whom Dracula has been steadily draining. The chess game is just a hallucination that he induces in her while he drinks her blood. What a tweest!

Just like in the previous episode, the framing device is dropped about two-thirds through and we are now seeing the story in present tense. Dracula frames Sister Agatha as being the mystery killer, but she manages to reveal that he is a vampire just as she is about to get hanged by the crew. They manage to fend him off, but not before a few more characters die by being incredibly stupid.

One of the characters is a young English lord who just got married to a rich heiress, but is secretly having an affair with an African man pretending to be his servant. I can never remember his name, so I call him Gaylord (I’m allowed to make jokes like this). Gaylord is Dracula’s new business partner and he betrays the rest of the humans, because he thinks Dracula is his BFF and values his skills as a businessman. As it turns out, Dracula only chose Gaylord because of his wife’s wealth. Now that he has killed her, her money goes to Gaylord, and by draining Gaylord, it goes to Dracula. I was unaware that being someone’s business partner entitles you to inherit all their money after their death, so I assume that Dracula acquires people��s money by drinking their blood, just like he acquires their skills and attributes.

Sister Agatha assumes command over the ship, using her divine nun powers, I guess, and she prepares for Dracula to return and finish off the rest of the humans. I get bored and finish a chapter in a book I was reading earlier.

Eventually Sister Agatha blows up the ship to prevent Dracula from ever reaching England, which they keep referring to as “the New World”. That’s not what that term means, but who cares at this point? Dracula, encased in one of his boxes, sinks to the bottom of the ocean, only to break out and walk the rest of the way to England along the ocean floor. There he is greeted by cars and helicopters and someone who looks like Sister Agatha, but wearing modern clothes. What a tweest!  Did it take him a hundred years to break out of his casket, or is this like The Village, where we were in modern times all along? The episode ends here, so I guess I’ll have to watch the next one to find out.

I am curious to see this stupidity unfold, but not sure I can take any more right now. But my wife applies some peer pressure, and I put on the final episode. Pray for me!

Episode 3

The previous two episodes were pretty bad, yes, but mostly in a way I can handle and even laugh at. They have not at all prepared me for what I am about to witness.

This episode doesn’t have a framing device, which makes me wonder why we bothered with those in the other two.

The Sister Agatha clone turns out to be her great-grandniece, Zoe. So it’s like Back to the Future where people keep having relatives who look exactly like them. Except Back to the Future is a comedy, and this is meant to be taken seriously.

Dracula escapes from the Anti-Dracula Brigade on the beach and breaks into some poor woman’s home after killing her husband and stuffing him in the fridge. I’m not sure if this is meant to be funny or scary. It ends up being neither. Dracula kills the woman as well, after lecturing her for taking all her modern-day luxuries for granted. Social commentary, I guess?

We are introduced to Seward, a young medical student who makes up for his lack of personality with a creepy obsession with his friend, a vapid, selfish party girl. Yes, this is Lucy Westenra. I found her a likable character in the novel. Not that that matters. I call this Lucy a slut, only for Lucy to make a comment on slut-shaming, which makes me feel bad. The irony is that I’m pretty sure we’re meant to see Lucy as slutty and shallow.

We’re also introduced to Quincey. He’s a douchebag. In the novel he was kind, brave and heroic. Not that that... whatever.

Seward is contacted by the Anti-Dracula Brigade, which is actually called the Jonathan Harker Foundation, but I prefer Anti-Dracula Brigade. It was formed by Sister Agatha’s relatives and Mina Murray with the goal to find Dracula and then to keep him alive to study him. I honestly would have thought that Mina would want Dracula dead, after he terrorized her and murdered her fiance, rather than sticking him in a cage for science, but it’s not like character motivations have to make sense. After all, this is Moffat, bitch!

Van Helsing explains to her students that Dracula was in suspended animation for over a hundred years at the bottom of the ocean until she accidentally woke him by sticking her fingers in his mouth, which allowed him to draw blood and be renewed. She doesn’t explain why her Anti-Dracula Brigade consists of medical students, rather than experts in their fields. She also doesn’t explain why he didn’t grow old again, like he was at the start of episode 1, after not having had anything to eat for over 120 years.

Dracula has been caught and is contained in a cell at the Brigade’s headquarters. I honestly don’t remember how that happened. Did they forget to show us that or did I just black out? Both seem like likely options. The cell contains what I assume is a Kindle, to keep Dracula occupied. Van Helsing comes to talk to him, and he scoffs at the idea of a woman being in charge. She tells him that he slept through the women’s rights movement. I am paralyzed with fear that Moffat is going to attempt to explain women’s rights to me. Why would God test me like this? My relief knows no bounds when the characters change the subject immediately. God is good after all.

This reprieve doesn’t last long. My faith is once again tested when I am forced to witness one of the most idiotic scenes I have ever had the misfortune to watch on screen. It begins when Renfield is brought in. I know that a Dracula adaptation turning silly when Renfield is introduced is not unusual, but Moffat always strives to exceed expectations of ridiculousness. In this version Renfield is Dracula’s lawyer, working for the same firm that he hired 120 years ago when Jonathan was their representative. They have been Skyping, using what I thought was a Kindle, but turns out to be a proper tablet. It wasn’t supposed to be connected to the internet, but all Dracula had to do was guess the WiFi password. Which was his own name.

I cannot deal with this. This scene has broken me. I am a broken man. I cry out in anguish and despair, for what else can I do? My wife, who has gone to the kitchen to get herself a drink, comes to see if I am okay. I am not. I may never be okay again. Moffat has marred my soul forever.

Renfield argues that the Anti-Dracula Brigade is keeping Dracula against his will and that he hasn’t actually done anything illegal, so they are forced to set him free. On the way out, Dracula finds Seward’s phone and uses it to meet up with Lucy. There’s also something about Van Helsing having cancer and drinking some of Dracula’s blood in the hopes that it will cure her. I don’t really care about this, but it’s important to the plot.

There’s a time-skip of a few months. Lucy is engaged to Quincey, but still sneaks off regularly for dates with Dracula where she lets him feed off her. I suspect that this is Moffat’s attempt at making the character more feminist. You see, instead of just passively being attacked by Dracula in her sleep at night, she actively goes out to find him and chooses to be drained by him! This does not make her a better character. Really, it just makes her seem stupid as well as callous, since she doesn’t give a damn about any of Dracula’s other victims who don’t give him consent to drink their blood.

There is a very annoying reference to the novel when a vampire child calls Lucy “Bloofer Lady”. Like the wine line, it sounds more stupid every time the show repeats it. Also, the vampire kid shows up in one more scene before Dracula kills him. Glad he served a point.

Dracula finally drains Lucy. Her family holds a funeral, thinking that she’s dead. But as she’s been infected with vampirism, she is fully conscious while she is being cremated. So we get to watch her burn alive, screaming in pain all the while. Hey, did I mention that Lucy is played by a black actress? Remember in season 10 of Doctor Who when something terrible would happen to Bill Potts every other episode, like having a hole shot through her chest or being turned into a Cyberman? Now, I’m not saying that Moffat enjoys having horrifying things happen to his black female characters... but I’m not not saying it either.

Lucy escapes from her coffin and takes revenge on the crematorium workers. During this scene we only see her reflection, in which she looks normal, which makes it painfully obvious that this is only how she sees herself, and in reality she’s going to be revealed to be horribly burned. The show plays coy with this for an annoyingly long time.

Van Helsing, still dying of cancer, breaks out of the hospital with help from Seward and they go visit Dracula in his flat. Yes, Dracula has a flat. It’s not hidden or anything. It’s even listed in the phone book. Look, it’s almost over, so who cares?

Lucy shows up as well and after more pointless build-up, we finally get to see her real appearance, which, surprise, surprise, is horribly burned. She is oblivious to this, because vampires’ reflections are weird in a way that is never really explained. Dracula sees himself in the mirror as old and decaying, whereas Lucy sees herself as being still pretty. I don’t know what it means, apart from that Moffat doesn’t understand vampire mythology and feels that it needs to be made more interesting.

Seward encourages Lucy to take a selfie, which reveals her true face. Why the rules for cameras are different from the rules for mirrors is not explained either. Lucy breaks down crying because being ugly is a fate worse than death. Seward tells her that he still wants to kiss her, because I guess this was meant to be the message? Something about true love? She begs him for death. They kiss and he mercy-kills her. In the book the people who loved Lucy had to kill her to save her immortal soul and to protect the world from the monster she had become, which has a bit more emotional resonance than saving her from having to be ugly for eternity. But, you know. NOT THAT THAT MATTERS.

Van Helsing sends Seward away for her final confrontation with Dracula, because she has him figured out. Having the memories of her great-aunt Agatha within her, which she gained from drinking Dracula’s blood, which he gained from drinking Agatha’s blood, she exposits that Dracula isn’t actually harmed by sunlight or crosses. He just fears death more than anything and so he doesn’t like the sight of the cross which represents someone being willing to die. Okay, but that doesn’t explain his aversion to sunlight! What does that have to do with death? She also spouts off some nonsense about how his fear of death originated from being the weakest in a family of noblemen and soldiers. Um, Moffat? You do realize that Dracula is based on Vlad the Impaler, right? Someone who was known for, well, impaling his enemies? But, again, it’s almost over, so let’s just get on with it!

Van Helsing tells Dracula that because she is dying of cancer, she is accomplishing the one thing he is afraid of doing, which somehow convinces him to kill himself by drinking her cancerous blood, which is poison to him. To make this experience painless for her, he creates an illusion for her where they’re, um, tenderly making love? What the hell? Is that what all their previous scenes were leading up to? Okay, if you say so.

Wait, is that the real reason why Moffat made Van Helsing a woman? Screw you, Moffat! Screw you so much!

Credits roll. This ends one of the worst television viewing experiences I’ve ever had. I go on YouTube to rewatch Sherlock Is Garbage, and Here’s Why. It is deeply cathartic.

9, 26, 27, 29, 14, 12 :) <3 and a rose for Kodelyn as well 🌹

So I don't actually know whether you wanted me to answer these questions from the mass effect list or the tumblr headcanon list (since I reblogged them in pretty quick succession). So we're doing all of them because I got bored. Thank you Bry!!

9: What squad member do you bring along the most?

Kaidan. I'd say "that's too easy of an answer!" but he's so versatile! Biotic abilities! Tech abilities! The two things I'm always in need of. There's not a single situation I regret bringing him to game-wise. Take him everywhere in 1, agonize about not having him around in 2, take him everywhere in 3. Except for when I thought him, Liara and my weakling of a infiltrator could take the Luna mission. They could not. Not nearly as easily or without as many deaths as I thought they could.

12: Favorite non-combatant?

Probably Anderson! I love his character, will never not be sad about the ending to three because of it. I just think they did his character really well throughout the trilogy.

Or Chakwas. I love Chakwas a lot because of her personality. She screams space aunt to me.

14: Who did your most recent Shepard romance?

Ceres was the last Shepard I played through ME1 with back in July, so Liara! Honestly I was just curious, I'm slowly working through all the options (though unfortunately, don't have anyone lined up for Thane yet). Not sure about how I like them together just yet.

26: Who do you wish was available as a romance option?

Joker. If you had any idea what my bookmark list looked liked...

27: How many Shepards do you have?

Counting technically Daphne? Nine. Probably too many because I haven't actually written anything with the "B Team" (Nia, Danny, Ceres and AJ) just yet.

Kodelyn - Soldier, Kaidanmancer Citlali - Adept, Jokermancer Brione - Infiltrator, Garrusmancer Annika - Vanguard, Ashleymancer Nia - Sentinel, Kaidan/Ashley-mancer. Daniel - Engineer, Kaidanmancer Ceres - Vanguard, Liaramancer Alexandra June - Sentinel, Mirandamancer Daphne - Engineer

29: If you primarily play Paragon or Renegade, is there a dialogue/interrupt/action of the opposite alignment you always take?

Yes! I always choose the renegade option for the Batarian recruiter in ME2. That and the one on Thane's mission to push one of the mercs out of the window. And the one at the end of three.

-

9. Makeup?

I think at some point Koda's hands get a little too shaky to apply it correctly herself. It wasn't that big of a deal, after all it'd just take a little longer, but more often than not she'd sweat it off. Typically would go with anything subtle, eyeliner, dark red lipstick and maybe a little concealer for the smaller scars.

12. Favorite book genre?

Romance, as well as anything escapist. The fluffier and more ridiculous, the better. However, she is still a terrible flirt. Rectifying that is not high on her list of priorities. Kaidan still loves her all the same.

14. Physical abnormalities? (Both visible and not, including injuries/disabilities, long-term illnesses, food-intolerances, etc.)

Just one, since I haven't completely ironed them all out yet. Pre-Lazarus resurrection, Kodelyn had some nerve damage from Elysium and other missions that caused her hands and feet to go numb sometimes. It wasn't severe enough to hinder her work, just annoying enough to bother her, and she tended to wear compression gloves. Post-Lazarus, Miranda had managed to mitigate most of it, but she is still subject to tingling extremities every now and then.

26. Do they have any plans for the future? Any contingency plans if things don’t workout?

I'm paraphrasing from an earlier conversation with a mutual, but her and Kaidan settle down in Vancouver after the war. She pretty much skirts around the Councilor position offered to her afterwards, and mostly just...gets a chance to enjoy life with her boyfriend. Visits to the Orchard, visits home to her family, she learns to swim eventually. She's pretty much the "cool" aunt to Esme.

(And honestly, her only aunt.)

27. What is their biggest regret?

I think it's tied between Virmire (knowing she should've been able to save Ashley, and let her personal ties blind her) and Jump Zero (knowing she should've said or done something to prevent what happened to her sister). Koda hates losing people, and she struggles with accepting the fact that sometimes it happens, and there's nothing she can do about it -- no matter how controlling she gets.

29. Reaction to sudden extrapersonal disaster (eg The house is on fire! What do they do?)

Control. Koda wants to control the situation right off the bat. Where is everyone, how can she get them out as quickly and as safely as possible? Then comes gathering everything important, she'll retrieve those things herself. She prefers things to fall to her in the event of a disaster, and make them manageable. It stresses her out though, but if she doesn't have direct control over anything, it also stresses her out. There's no win-win situation here.

Hi Pia! I'm a huge fan of your work and deeply enjoying FFS rn, it really shows the love and care you've put into this world and characters and it's an amazing read 🥰🧡

Idk if you've actually answered this question before or if it's a bit too much? So feel free to skip it. Do you have any advice on how to write a therapist and sessions with them? And to go along with that, a therapist&patient relationship that doesn't feel inauthentic but that's a healthy one?

I've had to visit both psychiatrists and psychologists a couple of times along my life, which has almost always been a positive experience to me, but when I get down to business and want to write a character going to therapy, I fall into a bunch of the psychoanalytic clichés US films have hammered us down with, even if I'm not from an Anglophile country!

Thanks a bunch in advance!! Ilu, have a nice start of the year🧡✨

Hiya anon!

I have a few thoughts about writing therapy sessions so I’m just going to put them down in no particular order.

Firstly, I don’t actually think it’s always a good idea to write therapy in stories, and a lot of the time I avoid writing it even when a character is actively seeing a therapist. This is particularly true in The Wind that Cuts the Night where all we see of Alex and his therapist are snippets, and nothing more than that, because therapy sessions would slow down the pacing, focus and value of the story.

Where possible, characters don’t see therapists, but talk to people in a way that is therapeutic, usually with love interests or members of the ensemble cast (Augus and Fenwrel in The Court of Five Thrones, Jack and Eva in The Golden Age that Never Was, Jack and North in From the Darkness We Rise/Into Shadows We Fall, Cullen and Cassandra, Cullen and Bull in Stuck on the Puzzle). All of those characters need therapy, but writing therapy sessions tends to slow down the pace of a fic pretty dramatically, and even I had misgivings about writing Efnisien’s sessions with Dr Gary at first because I’m acutely aware of the fact that:

1. Therapy sessions can be draggy and boring 2. They often take away important emotional realisations from other characters, ruining potential hurt/comfort and character relationship development moments with your actual cast / love interests 3. Fiction is meant to be fiction, not reality. 4. A lot of therapy sessions are actually not that interesting to sit in or write or observe, which is why writers do often find themselves falling into certain cliches while writing them to make them more interesting. Even I cut out huge chunks of sessions to get to the more interesting parts, lol. 5. You can write a character going to therapy without writing the therapy. You can just choose to have the character remember bits and pieces of the session later as it’s relevant to their life. 6. Therapy is different for everyone, and some readers (myself included) don’t enjoy reading it when the therapy is a kind that doesn’t resonate or feel right.

So you really need to ask yourself why you want to write therapy specifically, because a lot of the time it gets boring or - as you point out - falls into cliched territory. Writing a character going to a doctor a lot in detail for regular injections is boring. Writing them thinking about how they have to do this in brief while their love interest is sympathetic to them getting those injections is more interesting. Writing a character suffering from an illness that they need regular injections for, with their love interest comforting them? Interesting.

Falling Falling Stars is a unique fic in that Efnisien has no one before he meets Arden, except for Dr Gary and Gwyn. If you’re writing an FFS style fic, writing therapy sessions might be appropriate. It might be worth really thinking about the kind of fics you want to write, why you want to write therapy, how that will affect your pacing, etc.

If you’re still dead set on writing therapy sessions, then I have some suggestions re: writing more realistic/healthy therapy and how to find that knowledge yourself, and I don’t really know how to shorthand some of it:

1. Get books on therapy that are designed for the therapist. These are often expensive, but sometimes libraries stock them - and university libraries in particular will often have photocopy abilities (or you can just photograph the pages you need) because these books look at how sessions should be structured. Books with case studies are ideal, since they often show dialogue chains between the client and therapist. Books that obviously deal with the mental illnesses you’re planning on writing about are the most ideal.

2. With a view to this, learn about different therapeutic modalities (for example are you trying to write psychology or psychoanalysis or both? Are you writing social work? Are you writing cognitive behavioural therapy, dialectical behavioural therapy, expressive therapies, narrative therapy, transcendental therapy?) Be aware that different modalities have different session structures and learn what they are. Wikipedia is your friend, but your closest friend will be actually acquiring textbooks on the subject. This is a pretty significant financial barrier at times, I’ve been collecting books like this on psychology since like 1997.

3. Learn about your character’s mental instabilities that require them to go to a therapist and then look up the most recommended forms of therapy for your character’s specific issues. Will they suit your character? Why/why not? Will they have a therapist who realises and switches modality if it doesn’t suit? Or will they be lucky and find someone who helps them straight away?

4. All therapy sessions have a structure to them. And therapy often has a narrative arc through the course of therapy over many sessions. They should generally have the attempt at a beginning (greeting / setting up the problem to be discussed), middle (highlighting the source of conflict or inner conflict) and end (helping the client to focus on less stressful things, possible homework assigned, and potentially talking about future work/sessions). Learn this structure. Even if you’re not writing the whole session, you need to know where in the session you’re writing, beginning/middle/end will be different tonally. Structures will be different per therapeutic modality, and a therapist that knows many different modalities (like Dr Gary) will often be using slightly different structures each time depending on the character’s mood/issue.

5. In a healthy therapist/client relationship there will be the ability to discuss boundaries, grievances and the therapist won’t be revealing much about their personal life at all (unless anecdotally it’s super relevant and even then it will be deliberately vague). This is one of those things that will - in many cases - make for more boring sessions on the page, depending on the ‘client.’ For example, if you’re writing someone seeing a therapist for the first time, it might realistically take months or years before they start showing progress or trust. That’s not interesting (there’s a reason ‘therapy fiction’ isn’t a genre), so of course it’s tempting to shortcut into more dramatic moments.

*

I would say if you’re finding yourself leaning towards more cliched or dramatic forms of writing re: therapy, your writing brain may sense that the entire scene/s may not be suited to the story, and is trying to find a way to make them more interesting to yourself and the reader. If that’s not the case, then a lot more research is needed! It’s time to sink many hours into actually understanding what you’re trying to write. This doesn’t matter as much if you’re writing unrealistic or unhealthy therapy, but it’s 100% necessary when you’re trying to write healthier therapy depictions.***

Also a couple of sessions of experience is a start, but you might want to watch or find a way to watch more therapy sessions, because you’ve missed out on experiencing longer arcs, different modalities etc. (This is where my hands on experience with 19 therapists since 1995 is actually really helpful, lmao - I’ve had close to like 800~ sessions by now, with good and bad therapists; I cannot pretend that hasn’t given me a knowledge base that most people don’t share). You can still learn that stuff via research, MedCircle on Youtube is a good place to start, since it offers 30 minute snapshots on what CBT and DBT sessions will look like etc. and has some great playlists.

Most fics I’ve read don’t do a great job of depicting therapy, but the Babes!verse series by @rynfinity has probably some of the most realistic and still really interesting sessions I’ve read as an ongoing arc. The series is long, because it needs to be re: what it’s dealing with, but it’s great, and I definitely recommend looking at another example of how an author tackles these sorts of scenes. Out of the Mouths of Babes / The March of the Damned are the two intertwined series.

I apologise if this sounds discouraging overall, or daunting, but I just want to stress there’s a reason that I’m often not writing therapy in my writing, as anything more than the occasional scene with a non-therapist, or snapshots that are reflected on and that’s it. Falling Falling Stars is the exception to the rule, and unless you’re writing an exception to the rule as well, it’s really worth reflecting on the first six points I wrote - it’ll save you a fuckton of time and research. And if you go ahead with it, I wish you well! :D

*** Also disclaimer: But I still am writing very indulgent therapy that is not beholden to being either a 100% healthy or 100% realistic depiction. The fact is, real therapy sessions are pretty boring for observers except for maybe ten or twenty minutes in the middle at times.

(ETA: It’s just occurred to me that therapy fiction does exist, esp. in the mass media, but that it is - afaik - all unrealistic, dramatised or unhealthy. But if you want to watch a great show - I highly recommend In Treatment with Gabriel Byrne, just by aware that it is depicting, for the most part, unhealthy dynamics which are more character studies than anything).

Determination, Frisk, suicide, etc.

https://whatwillyoudodifferently.tumblr.com/post/150477111451/why-would-you-ever-climb-a-mountain-like-that

This post will deal with topics similar to the ones stated in this linked post. It’s not a response to it, I was just inspired by it to talk about my head canons. As per usual, this will be a very specific writing that will probably not apply to you, you will most likely disagree with it. I personally am simply feeling the need to write these things down again.

So, to start, it is true that Determination in Undertale could be interpreted as some sort of allegory to suicide. After all, it deals with hope and willpower, and those things are something that depression / suicidal ideations directly relate to.

However, I’m not sure I feel it fits perfectly, at least to me, it’s different enough to wonder if I can construct a better head canon for myself. Depression is poetic, but as a content creator, I wish to explore other avenues of thought too.

For one, we know that Chara was suicidal; if not outright when climbing the mountain, then at least later with the entire buttercup plan. To me personally, it seems strange to overuse the same trope again for Frisk, so when I first saw Asriel’s line about climbing the mountain, where he implied exactly this, I was doubtful that he just happened to guess it right in Frisk’s case.

The concept of Determination is also finicky. Frisk is almost constantly feeling determined, save for New Home, where the narrator no longer says that they are, and the number of save points per area rises sharply. If Frisk was coming from the same or similar place as Chara, then at least we could use this to pin down the nature of their Soul Trait. If traits are variable (which I’m slowly starting to think they are), then perhaps that implies the red trait is something along the lines of “not being alright”, “being more troubled with your own issues than projecting your interests and energy outwards”, something that depression could be a subset of. Hell even the soul color kinda matches, the heart is in essence “bleeding”.

However, if Frisk is not in the same mind state as Chara, then what can we actually deduce about them? Well, to begin with, I think the other possibilities that Asriel listed could just as well be true, fate or foolishness. Personally, I think it’s both, I think Frisk was somehow being foolish, but themselves thought (at this point in the game) that it was fate. (I mean, we did get all that dialogue about Suzy and synchronicity or whatever.)

So, what about Determination itself then, what role does it play, and does it relate to Frisk and Chara’s Soul Trait at all? For one, I also wanted to mention that I always found it weird that being determined and being depressed could somehow coincide/coexist. Isn’t Frisk’s determination less indicative of depression, and rather more indicative of the fact that they are able to effectively push through their depression, if they do have it? Plus, the RESET power is supposed to be universal, so isn’t the feeling of being determined less indicative of anything specific about Frisk and more about the fact that they are the player right now? But then indeed, why does the narrator feel the need to remind them all the time, what do they know about determination and SAVING?

There is a theory out there that Chara themselves could save, load and reset. (It’s called the Chara reset hell theory if you’re interested. Too lazy to grab the link rn.) If true, it could explain why Chara is telling Frisk these things, and would make more sense than if they somehow correctly guessed that Frisk is feeling down or that Frisk told Chara that they are feeling down so early on.

So, do I think that Frisk is depressed? It’s certainly one way to interpret the canon, but it doesn’t affect anything else about the game, and as a theory, there’s not much specific evidence for it either, most of it could very well be indicative of other things, as I’ve shown.

What about Frisk then, and also the red trait? Due to how little we know about them, every single theory that people make up for them feels very cliche to me, and literally everything in UT could be interpreted as an allegory for Frisk’s backstory, including that damn quiche under the bench in Waterfall. What’s worse, some of the best theories (in the sense that they are the most self-explanatory) regarding their origin are usually posited by those who believe that Frisk is the player, that they are not human but a piece of code, which, as a head canon, is not my thing, and as a theory, is making me barf. I just don’t like it... no, I hate it, it’s very dehumanizing and I wish to make up something for them that makes sense, but without using “the meta” to do so.

However, there is a lot open space in regards to the red trait. Even if I don’t believe that Frisk is depressed, ergo they are feeling very determined (since as I said, the logic of it doesn’t seem completely sound to me), it could still be the case that the red trait is indicative of a depression, or perhaps, some other mind state that they happen to share with Chara.

(Not to mention that Flowey came back numerous times despite being suicidal, that Chara was suicidal yet hopeful and determined, which, if the reset theory is true, actually made their soul persist instead of initiating a reset, and that the 6 fallen humans all met the same fate instead of any of them beating Asgore and taking his soul. In other words, we know so little about how Determination actually relates to willpower that it’s almost useless to theorize about it. I for example think that all humans have a base level of determination which grants them certain basic powers, but that proaction, whatever the goal might be, might help them accomplish other things too, be it something positive, or in Chara’s case, something negative.)

We know the red trait could also be “being yourself”, so again, if soul traits are descriptive of something else, rather than being prescriptive and immutable themselves, then perhaps the red trait is indeed indicative of... whatever Frisk and Chara might have in common. On the other hand, if the trait is immutable, then perhaps it denotes an inclination/predisposition towards certain kinds of behavior, which however would go to erase Chara’s ill experiences on the surface, so I’m not sure about that, unless I find an alternative way of interpreting this take without effectively blaming Chara’s hardships on their own Soul.

Perhaps I will revisit this post sometime in the future, should I think of something else.