falling into you (pt. 8) PREVIEW

pt 1 | pt 2 | pt 3 | pt 4 | pt 5 | pt 6 | pt 7

→scenario: Jungkook’s innocence is like a breath of fresh air in your wild life, and though you know you’re toxic for him, you just can’t seem to stay away.

→genre: college au, slow burn, mutual pining, shy/nerd jk + bad girl oc (mature themes)

→a/n: so i’m not finished with pt 8 yet, since it’s such a climactic chapter it’s taking a bit longer than i anticipated unfortunately BUT i dont want u guys to think ive forgotten about it!!! i know u all are waiting so patiently, and i cannot thank you enough from the bottom of my heart <3 i hope this preview keeps you excited for what’s to come!

Jungkook could never face Y/N again.

God, how could he, knowing that he’d not only finished in five minutes like a pubescent teenager, but also in his pants while she was on top of him?

Embarrassment didn’t even begin to describe the mortification he felt. He’d never wanted the earth to swallow him whole as much as he did in that moment. Sure, he was aware of his slight social anxiety, the way he was constantly looking to bolt from uncomfortable situations—but this was different entirely. This was new territory for him; he’d never done anything remotely sexual with someone else, period, much less with the girl who hung the stars, moon, and sun in his eyes. What was he supposed to do? There was nowhere to escape to in his own bedroom, no running away from his problems that made him uncomfortable. No, he had to stand there with his head down and his crotch dripping wet while he practically begged her to leave. He had never been so ashamed of himself. He had never felt so pathetic.

But then Y/N surprised him like she never failed to do: she’d given him reassurance, another kiss even, while telling him that she actually enjoyed the experience—went so far as to say it was the best in her life. Now he knew she was lying to spare his feelings. Of all the men Y/N had been with, there was no way a virgin cumming untouched in his pants was the best of them. She was cruel to make him believe otherwise, to give him false hope.

He wouldn’t allow himself to think any differently. He couldn’t allow himself to get hurt.

Which was why he made it his mission to avoid her at all costs—something he’d gotten very good at over the past few months, and the past few weeks, specifically.

But in the same way he’d learned from the patterns of her daily routine and used them as a means to remain hidden, she’d also learned his and utilized them to her advantage as well. It was the only explanation as to how he was turning a corner inside the art building (about to take the rear exit, since she usually waited for him out front) and suddenly she was standing right in front of him.

He instantly skidded to a halt, heart rate shooting to astronomical levels and eyes widening on their own accord. “Y-Y/N,” he stuttered out involuntarily, the sight of her causing every single detail of their time spent together to come rushing back to him like a tidal wave ready to wipe him out.

As if he needed another excuse to think about the moment they shared that had changed him forever, about the way her moans sounded in his ear and her body felt on his lap and the way she touched his cheek, his neck, the way her lips felt on his skin, god help him—

Already he could feel the beginnings of a blush start to rise to his suddenly hot cheeks, and he cleared his throat and shifted his weight from one foot to the other to keep from springing yet another boner in front of her.

He slid his books in front of his waist, just in case.

While she usually approached him with the natural ease of self-confidence and charm, today she seemed worried, unsure. She chewed at her lower lip—something he didn’t think she really ever did, as he would certainly remember the way it stirred within him—and looked up at him beneath delicate lashes that framed her eyes.

He didn’t have it in him to keep from outright staring at her beauty.

“I… I missed you,” she finally murmured, and he felt the breath physically whoosh from his lungs to join his butterfly-filled stomach all the way at the floor.

It had been a few days since he’d last seen her, since she’d been in his room that night where they opened up about their past and confessed how they truly felt about one another and shared the most life-altering moment he’d ever experienced. He missed her too, god he missed her. He missed everything about her the moment she left his side—would picture her face in his mind as soon as she left his field of vision. But for some reason unknown to him, she was too kind to him, spared his feelings despite knowing what little experience he had. There was no way he’d be able to satisfy a girl—mentally, physically, emotionally—who could have anyone she wanted. Perhaps she pitied him. Either way, if she wouldn’t put a stop to it, then he would.

Or so he’d try, but alas, nothing ever went according to his plans where Y/N was concerned. And here she was, three simple words mumbled into existence and he couldn’t even remember his own name, much less why he’d been trying to fight this.

She seemed to expect he would say nothing—either that or she’d grown used to his silence—because before he had enough sense in him to even think about responding, she was speaking again. “How have you been?”

The question was asked with deliberate, genuine curiosity and concern; she really wanted to know if he was okay, how he was handling things after what had transpired between them. And no matter how hard Jungkook tried to fight this, fight her, fight himself, he was only human.

And so he stopped fighting.

“I– I missed you too,” he breathed out, and it was like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders and relocated to his gut. He tensed at his confession, mentally berated himself for his words even though she’d been the one to say them first. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, what with the way his throat locked up.

Though the second he witnessed the smile that sprang to her tantalizing lips, he felt as light as a feather floating in the breeze.

“You did?” Her eyes lit up, sparkled under the fluorescent hallway lights that still managed to capture all of her beauty despite the unflattering lighting. He didn’t think it was possible for any scenery, not even that of a dull and stuffy university building, to make her appear any less breathtaking than she always was.

“I was so worried after I left last week,” she continued without prompt. The mention of his premature finish had him stiffening in dread, though she didn’t let enough silence fester between her words for the anxiety to claw its way up his throat. “I didn’t want you to beat yourself up. I’ve noticed you tend to be too hard on yourself sometimes.” She glanced up at him with the hint of a sheepish grin dancing on her lips.

Her expression said it all: that’s an understatement.

And this shocked him to his core, because she was absolutely right.

Just how well had she gotten to know him in their time spent together over the last few months? And how? And why?

The last question would always boggle him until the end of time; he would never understand why she was interested in him. Why was he the one she had feelings for, when she claimed she never had feelings for anybody? Though he supposed he could ask himself the same thing: why did he feel things for Y/N that he had never felt for anyone else in his life? And the answer was quite simple, really: because it was her.

He didn’t know what about himself was so special to make him stand out in her mind, and as a result he still couldn’t help but be skeptical, even after her confession. But it wasn’t like he had any choice in the matter on what to do with that skepticism—not when his heart kept leading him back to her.

At some point after her accurate description of the inner turmoil that’s been plaguing his mind, his mouth had fallen open slightly. He couldn’t hide the surprise from his face even if he tried; he was speechless.

Y/N gazed up at him, not seeming in any hurry to rush the conversation along, and for that he was grateful. He’d never met somebody so patient and understanding before—just another reason to make Jungkook’s heart flutter with endearment. And it was no secret to himself anymore that he yearned to be in Y/N’s presence for as long as possible whether he was aware of it or not.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed, you know,” she continued as if she could read his mind, and that was when he realized the way his eyes avoided hers and the fact that his skin was the color of tomatoes must’ve been dead giveaways. “I meant it when I said that was the hottest thing I’ve ever experienced.”

Jungkook balked, practically choking on his spit at her forward, shameless words. He didn’t think he’d ever get used to the way she spoke her mind so openly without any fear holding her back. She’d gone through so much in her childhood, in her life—Jungkook not even knowing the half of it, he’s sure—and yet she was still so strong and brave and everything he wasn’t. He couldn’t help but admire the person she was today, despite all the prejudice and judgment he’d held for her when they first met.

He realized now that he was too quick to judge her, to write her off based on rumors and first impressions. He realized now that he was too quick to do that to a lot of people. Just how long had he closed himself off from others based on his skewed, morally righteous perspective? His whole life, if he had to say.

The epiphany that she was physically prying open his third eye with a crowbar, that he was now self aware and changing for the better for her—for himself—hit him all at once.

It was the most frightening sensation of his life, the introvert in him wanting to crawl back into his shell where it was safe and comfortable and dull. But deep down he knew it was also for the best.

“W-why?” He heard himself asking before he knew what he was doing. “Why do you keep saying that?”

He had to know why she insisted on standing by her statement that his mishap was not only hot, but the hottest ever. Why did she insist on lying to him, on giving him false hope? She spoke her mind in every other situation, or at least that’s what he assumed; why did she insist on sparing his feelings in this incident? Was he really that pathetic? Did she pity him that much?

She simply blinked at him once, twice, before: “Because I really like you, Jungkook.”

As if in slow motion, you could visibly see his eyes expand to the size of saucers at your words.

You would’ve found the sight comical had the situation been any different. But the way he continued to disbelieve that you could have feelings for him, that you could be attracted to everything about him despite who he was, despite his inexperience—it made your heart break in your chest. You now knew from where this inferiority complex stemmed—he’d told you himself about his family situation—and if anything, it made you want to rebuild his confidence that much more. He needed to see himself the way you saw him.

But you also didn’t want to overwhelm him, either. And you were more than willing to walk that fine line with Jungkook no matter how long it took.

“So are we on for a study sesh tonight?” You continued nonchalantly, wanting to return things to normalcy for him as much as possible before he ran away mid-conversation as he’d done so many times before. You wanted to ease his self-doubt so he’d stop avoiding you—like he’d been doing the past few days—as much as possible.

Jungkook blinked as if trying to adjust from the whiplash of your subject-change. “U–uh… if you want?”

“Of course I want to,” you replied without missing a beat, not caring how desperate you seemed so long as he didn’t question where you stood. You took a step forward, unable to help the intangible, magnetic draw you felt to him as you gazed up at him beneath your lashes. “That is… if you want to.”

You watched in agony as a gulp slowly raked its way down his throat.

“I–” his voice was hoarse before he cleared his throat. “I uh, can’t tonight. I have to study for math.”

You weren’t even sure how one studied for math, but you weren’t about to question the expert. “That’s fine! We could… do it tomorrow?”

Jungkook chewed at his bottom lip, an action he always did when he was internally struggling with something before he finally nodded his head yes in a slow, hesitant manner. “N–not in my room though,” he added as an afterthought, and when your gaze snapped to his he had a pleading expression in his eyes.

A mix of emotions rolled through you. On one hand, you were horrified at the possibility that he thought the only reason you wanted to study again was so that you could get in his pants. Which—okay, you’re not going to lie, you would love to have a repeat of last week—but that definitely wasn’t why you wanted to see him. He meant more to you than just a means to get off, which was what you’d thought of flings in the past. You didn’t want him to be just a fling, though.

You didn’t want to think of the meaning behind that fact right now, either.

But on another hand, you understood where Jungkook was coming from. Maybe it was because you’d studied him enough over the past few months to learn some of his behavior (for once you finally saw the appeal of studying), so you knew that level of intimacy was probably extremely overwhelming for Jungkook and he needed a moment to step back. Hell, it was even overwhelming for you, and that was saying something. Never had your senses, your heart, your body, your soul been attacked like that with such an abundance of emotional pleasure, and you hoped with all your might that Jungkook was feeling the same—that that was the reason he needed a breather from being alone with you, and not the fact that he just didn’t want to be intimate with you.

Unless…

Oh god, had you misread the situation entirely? Had Jungkook hated everything about that night?

Suddenly you were feeling sick to your stomach. The thought of you misunderstanding his confession—or worse, him changing his mind completely—made you want to escape to a dark and desolate stairwell and cry in the hidden nooks of the windowsill again; the irony that not only would you be pulling a Jungkook by escaping mid-conversation, but that the stairwell was also the place the two of you had your first real conversation, wasn’t lost on you.

“M–my roommate is staying in, studying for finals.” The sound of Jungkook’s voice was like a breath of fresh air whooshing into your lungs after almost drowning underwater. You blinked out of your inner turmoil, focusing on him. “So he’ll be there, i–in my room, this whole week.”

And suddenly your heart was warming with relief, hope, appreciation, like flowers blooming in the spring after a torrential downpour. Just when you thought you had him figured out, this enigma of a boy continued to surprise you. It was usually easy for you to hide your emotions—you’d been doing so for years, always wore a mask around others so that they couldn’t see the real you—and yet somehow, Jungkook must’ve sensed them anyway. He sensed the doubt, the pain, the fear that you vowed never to cage you crawling up your throat and threatening to consume you whole, and he eased it. He didn’t want you to misunderstand him. He wanted to reassure you.

If anything, that was just a testament to how Jungkook had broken down your walls—how much you had let him in, how well he was able to read the emotions you wanted to keep hidden. Your mask had begun to break, the real you showing through the cracks, and Jungkook was still standing here. He hadn’t run away.

You fought the urge to grab him and slam your lips onto his.

“Not in your room, then,” is all you managed to breathe out beneath a fluttering smile.

hi. ive gotten your over 1000+ messages. i block you, you make another account, you send me another 50 messages, likes, reblogs with commentary, and i block you again. then you remake within a minute. i was hoping this past week would last forever. youve tried adding me on instagram and facebook via similar sock accounts, and ive had to lock key communication capabilities on this platform because of your relentlessness.

im really not sure why you think i have this much power over you. we chatted for a few months and connected over mental health and gender. im also not sure why youre putting the responsibility of your suicide on me. ive only ever discouraged your self harm, and i was an advocate for you until november when you told me that youre a danger to the world for identifying the way you do, and then you asked me permission to admit yourself to a psychiatric institution. that was when i realized that nothing i said could do any good. you gave me control i didnt want nor realize i had, and now instead of empowering yourself to seek help you keep yourself stuck in the idea that im holding you back.

i never called you a rapist, and i didnt defend anybody if / when they did call you specifically a rapist. the thread was about trans men, and people were recounting their trauma surrounding trans men utilizing "female" language to rationalize to lesbians that their intimacy was sapphic. some called it rape, because they were raped by these trans men via deception and other methods. you took this personally.

the group conclusion was that deceiving somebody by omitting vital information like that is a breeding ground for rape, and is itself evidence of a larger rape culture of men lying just to acquire sex. after over 150 comments, where you asked the one question 5 different times, i said you were behaving obtusely (not being stupid, because i dont think behavior is a mark of character save for the flows of karma) because you were refusing to see what was in front of you. what was in front of you was everyone, literally over 20 different people, telling you that there was a fundamental, irreconcilable difference between your and their values and that the conversation was unproductive, stressful, and triggering for everyone involved. you asked questions and they answered them, but you acted as though they didnt. thats comes off obtuseness, whether or not it was intentional on your end.

do you remember what i did? i told you that perhaps it would be better for your mental health to disengage from people that hate you, whose cultural values are so violently disparate from yours, and to look for community with people who understand. you were trying so hard to be accepted by that group, and for what? you understand their, and my, POV as colonialist and overwhelmingly white, so what do you gain from trying to get them to understand and accept you? you told me that doing so made you suicidal as well because you werent true to yourself.

i understand that you have a lot of sexual trauma. i dont think its appropriate to talk about someone elses trauma publicly, but youve kinda... made it impossible not to. i understand you feel a lot of shame for having sexual feelings in general, and you assume the responsibility of sexual violence that isnt related to you because youve been made to feel responsible for the sexual violence youve personally experienced in the past. do you lie to your partner? i know you dont, because shes an incredible advocate for you, and shes expressed an understanding of you that aligns with your own expressions of self understanding.

you saw "trans men have raped me by lying about who they are" and read it as "sapphic transmasculinity is rape". youre forgetting that the condemnation is in the action and not the being -- if youre on the same page about who you both are, how can that be deceptive?

weve talked about the confusion and ambiguity of reconciling your gender with the colonially gendered landscape, and weve talked about ways you can be true to yourself without putting you in harms way, e.g. social retribution. ive said that identity and lifestyle are negotiable, private, nuanced; would someone ask if youre a binary or a nonbinary transmasc in public? would they ask you why you consider yourselves lesbians despite the fact that you also consider yourself a trans man? ive stated that literally none of that is their business, that information such as that is only acquired on an at-will basis. i said if youre fearing for your life, dont hand someone else a weapon. youre fearful of others, particularly lesbians, weaponizing

i think people who call themselves trans men cant be and arent lesbians. theres a semantic distinction there, where trans man is a binary identifier, based in colonial understandings of gender impermanence, much the same way that lesbianism is as a historical concept and word. weve talked about this, about how language that you use may cause misunderstandings due to cultural differences, or even if they do understand what youre meaning they can still have the capacity to dislike you.

EDIT:

so you only wanted to become friends with me because i validated you? what the hell?

i think that throughout the conversations we had, you read into my language a lot. i dont think trans men (nor "transmales", a term we had never used) can be lesbians, in fact ive always ensured i never state such a thing in particular, and we had never talked about "cuspers". the most ive said is that you can make anything work, even if others dont understand the way you feel. i have also never agreed with anyone calling you a sexual abuser.

ive always emphasized the fact that unethical living isnt centered on an inner self but on your choices, and thats why i told you that sexual abuse is an action and not a state of being. if youre not deceiving them (like by misgendering yourself) or weaponizing their compulsory heterosexuality then how does any of this apply to you? ive told you that living your life as you want to without trying to get everyone to understand is the best way to avoid all the conflict youre concerned about, like that some wouldnt want to be intimate with someone like you but if others do and youre on the same page then i dont see whats wrong or why you feel so threatened by not being universally validated for it. some will understand, some wont. so i have no idea how closeting yourself was a natural course of action. like im genuinely so baffled. why do the literal opposite of my words have any impact on your material life like what

the fact of the matter is that men sexually abuse and traumatize lesbians by weaponizing their compulsory heterosexuality all the time, and youre carrying that responsibility yourself when youre doing nothing of the sort... im not going to stop pointing out men's, even trans men's, propensity for sexually abusing lesbians just because you call yourself a man and you're into women.

im not responsible for you putting all your self esteem in my opinion of trans men. i didnt lure you in with an opinion i didnt have because ive never stated such things, and i didnt bait you into an obviously traumatizing situation in a facebook group because you had never expressed the extent to which you feel like a man until that thread. i dont know if you know this but i hate men, and my other male friends are able to reconcile with that. i have been abused in numerous ways by men in the past and have little to no faith in them, having grown up a closeted transfem, but you sought me out on the grounds of my amiability to men -- in particular to them being lesbians -- gave me power over your life, and werent able to handle the fact that i wasnt the image you made of me. for the love of god stop caring about what i think

He did? Umm.. what happened exactly?

(referring to this post)

my 11th grade chemistry teacher had an associates degree in liberal arts.

you know how in virtually every class you’ve ever had since middle school, your teachers made a big stink about the syllabus? she didn’t have one. this was her first teaching job, which she got because of her length experience as a substitute, not by her licensing qualifications. we were, at first, excited to have her, because she was a “fun sub” and we were 17 years old and stupid as all shit. we were the “normal chem” class in a system where the only other options were “honors chem” which was filled with children who actually know how to study (or cheat) and have an air of proper student activity, and “AP Chem”, which is clear enough if you’ve been an american student in the last 15 years.

she followed the mcgraw hill chemistry book in order of chapters, despite the fact that our state standardized tests did several of the chapters out of order. ever notice how you’ll suddenly be looking at chapter 11 when just last week you were on chapter 5, then the next week you’re on chapter 8? standardized testing is the reason. anyways by asking my friends in other classes who had chemistry teachers of relative competence, i was able to discern which chapters i should focus on, and while she was distracted with literally watching youtube videos all period, I was turning around in my seat and walking across the classroom helping my friends and enemies with the packets. (she was a two-packets-a-week kinda teacher.)

yes i said enemies too. the people i hated, i hated because they were sons of bitches i wouldnt piss on to put out a fire. i hated them so dearly i used to pray to god that they would bump into me so i could throw myself into the concrete and split my forehead open and get them expelled due to the blood-clause of our “zero-tolerance policy”. two of the kids in my class had, only the previous year, attempted to set my hair on fire.

i hated the teacher more. 

it gave me extreme pleasure to see her fume and clench her fists when a student would say “i need help” across the classroom and she would move to get up and they would say “oh not you miss, im waiting for vicky.” jesus christ the only time ive ever felt a comparable high was when i was at a halloween party in college where i was literally so zooted i couldn’t move.

it got worse over time, her getting more and more angry, my ego growing larger and larger. i was a huge bitch in high school, i really thought i was the smartest bitch in the room at any given moment. severe main character syndrome. imagine that kind of person actually being right for 45 minutes out of every day. can you even comprehend the kind of frustration that would create? in a room full of little sociopaths who dont give a shit about anything but getting this joke of a class over with so they can graduate? your first real teaching job and they look right past you, the teacher, to this annoying little shit whose grades are completely abysmal? how are they managing to learn anything from a child who can barely speak in front of more than 10 people? who turns cherry red in the face of literally every authority figure in the building except you? who can’t concentrate and stay still in one spot for more than five minutes? all of your other classes behave! they listen! they sit down and shut up and do the packets! so what fucking gives!!!

so you say “fine, since you all HATE ME so much i just won’t teach then!!!” on literally week fucking ten of teaching. and instead of prostrating themselves before you, begging you to like... point at transparencies and read directly from powerpoints i guess.

and they all collectively say “okay” and let the chipmunk child flutter between desks and help them memorize formulas and mnemonic devices and shit. surely her grades will suffer if she’s constantly dealing with other people and you’ll have justification that her horseshit is “distracting” and “a detriment to her studies”. she got bored gave up on that after two days after nothing changed.

then we did the midterm.

except at the end of the exam packet was something we never learned because again, she was going through the book chronologically. because i actually enjoyed the chem book (so much that i stole it when the year was up lmao), i knew the material.

it was about lewis dots/structures. i couldn’t tell you a damn thing about it today but in december 2010 i absolutely knew that shit. i didnt have too much of a problem with it in the exam, but the students who had gotten to that point were complaining and at first she pulled that “you should have been studying independently uwu” shit but the class was about to get loud during exam period so she shushed us and said that when we get to that point, just stop, and she’ll mark it correct during grading, no harm no foul just keep it quiet. one of the more confrontational students called horseshit and said theres no way we’re trusting that and there’s definitely no way anyone will keep an entire classroom cheating at the instruction of the teacher quiet.

i offered to teach it.

she scoffed, rolled eyes, said “sure fine but you can’t get your exam back” and i said “okay.” so when everyone was to the point in the exam, we piled them all on her desk and i used the whiteboard to briefly and quietly explain lewis dots, used the book examples and problems, and helped the other kids understand. there were a couple exam questions that were lifted straight from the book problems so i skipped those. while teaching i realized i had gotten a couple wrong which sucked :( it was an incredibly stupid experience overall, and no teacher worth the paper their certification is printed on would have allowed that to happen. and fucking yet.

anyways everyone but me got their exams back and finished it and many of us passed, only a few of them did particularly well.

discussing the chem exam with friends who also took the chem exam, many students found their anecdote about the lewis dots to be confounding, for you see, the exam we took was not, in fact, the midterm, but the god damned final.

she had us taking the fucking final because she didnt read the fucking folders which read “midterm” and “final exam” on them

she was reprimanded severely and we all had to take the exam on different days, in different classrooms, sitting very far apart. after that she hated me even more. like girl it was your fault lmao i am literally a teenager grow up lol. anyways you can imagine how much more fucking insufferable i became, knowing how miserable she was.

it all came to a head in february when some students were giggling quietly following a minor fuck up on her part regarding bellwork. they were making fun of her like “are you sure thats not tomorrows bellwork lol” and a friend next to me did the “hey i need help wait no miss not you sorry” thing and when i answered him, she solidly snapped. blah blah YOURE SOOOO DISTRACTING blah blah YOU THINK YOURE SOOOO SMART DONT YOU blah blah blah and she was like demanding i leave the room and shouting at the top of her lungs at me “ YOU POISON THE MINDS OF EVERY OTHER STUDENT HERE. YOU’RE POISONOUS VICTORIA, YOU’RE A VIRUS IN THIS CLASSROOM.”

i will never forget that line as long as i live. it was like crack to me. i moved to open the door to leave and the vp opened it first. he escorted me to the office and asked me what happened, then told me to keep my head down in class from now on, and that if i wanted to help my friends i should give them my number and help them out on our own time. i was like “bro thats really stupid” and he was like “thats all we can do right now but i promise we’re working on it”

i lasted the rest of the year giving smug smiles as we did packet after fucking packet for the rest of the year. they were all take-home work. i wasnt comfy giving my number to my enemies. the class camaraderie ended.

the final was altered. my class took a different final than the rest of the normal chem classes.

i started 12th grade and got a solid case of senioritis. i told that story to anyone who would listen. while it was happening, i obviously told my favorite teacher everything as it happened. when i mentioned it senior year he was like “oh yeah i forgot about her,

she was fired over the summer.”

okay first: having your eric collage as a back patch wld be SO awesome tbh!!!

second: hehe SAW asks. uh for 1-10 trap ratings again: water cube trap, shotgun carousel, bathroom trap (bdndns again bias) and maybe just nerve gas house in general? and then for characters, mallick, rigg, art, jill, nd pamela if that's not too much? :3c

uhhh and then anything eric/mallick you wanna talk abt <3 I care them!!

fjksdhfjshkd thanks dude!! im still undecided theres a few general SAW posters i might get or just an image of Eric lol, dunno

+ ok traps!!

Water Cube:

10/10 literally one of my favorite traps EVER + imo the sexiest trap in th entire franchise. i love seeing Strahm in it too<3 pretty trap for a pretty man.

Shotgun Carousel:

hm. 5/10 i think aesthetically its fun but i care abt William too much to appreciate it by itself. i dont actually have a lot 2 say w/out this turning into a pages-long defense of William Easton lol

Bathroom Trap:

4/10. dgmw i love it + its iconic for a reason, its almost elegant in its simplicity n how much hinges on th participants' own paranoia to create any tension, but on th other hand i cannot take it serious. Lawrence gets this big poetic "kill adam or your family will die" speech + I get "idfk survive maybe :)" WHICH. i did. And Yet.

Nerve Gas House:

2/10 i do think its an interesting idea but conceptually it entirely hinges on ppl taking accountability for themselves n either willingly facing their own traps OR th others forcing them into it— which does work w/ Obi. from there it falls apart. n ofc theres no accounting for how th nerve agent wll affect individual ppl so theres really no fair chance for survival (Laura). also, when it DOES fall apart, u need to remember John's whole "nothing is up to chance" philosophy: this means not only did he Know it would devolve completely, he Expected it— and to some extent expected, and was entirely okay with, the idea of Amanda being forced into a trap tht would retraumatize her. you ever wonder how much of tht was control? how maybe if she hadnt Just been dumped into a pit of needles n had her slowly-recovering psyche shattered, things might've turned out different? hm. thoughts 2 think.

now characters!

Mallick:

ok no surprise cuz i said this while talking abt Brit but 4/10. i love him n hes th most developed member of th fatal 5 simply thanks 2 Greg Bryk's performance n th mannerisms he gives Mallick. i adore him but theres a major difference between Th Mallick That Lives In My Brain (8/10 <3) + Canon Mallick.

Rigg:

8/10 look i love Rigg genuinely soooooo much i think he is SO interesting nd i wish wed gotten more of him in 2/3 bc his character in 4 is SO good. like why. wld i watch Spiral when SAW IV is right there. when RIGG is right there? so much of 2 + 4 is about love and humanity and our connections to it and th ways we can take it too far n the ways love can twist our humanity into monstrousness vs the ways love can restore hope when we ourselves are so totally shattered. Rigg loves TOO much and i love him for it, i do, i cant blame him for anything bc i understand. i get it. he is a man who wants the world to be simple, to be its best, to make sense, who wants the right people to face justice, to protect those in danger despite any risk to himself

Art:

7/10 simply bc i feel like he is under-explored. like there r a lot of questions surrounding him tht i love but i do wish there were just a couple more answers. i do love him tho, like u said in tht ask u just answered he is defending despicable ppl by nature of his job + ultimately tht does not reflect on his character. bc sometimes u dont have a choice, ur SO right— add to that th amount of kindness with which Art faced th rest of his life. he couldve become such a jaded person, but he dedicates himself to charitable acts and it spills into is treatment of Eric, th tenderness which he shows when he really hes no reason to. i love him <3

Jill:

5/10 look she is Yet Another underutilized SAW woman. she exists simply to humanize John to an extent but in turn they just make him more like a ridiculous villain. to elaborately schedule a baby and then IMMEDIATELY abandon his wife? insane. i hate him so much it makes me vibrate with rage. Jill 100% deserved better and i love seeing her take revenge against Hoffman FOR Amanda, i love th idea of her but she is paper thin thru most of th movies and then she Dies.

Pamela:

3/10 this is another case of me making up a Good Character in my head <3 in th movies she is incredibly flimsy but in my head? 10/10 i love Pamela Jenkins, trans sister of William Easton, who is Also Trans.

+ lastly, Eric/Mallick

i dont like.. think abt this ship as much as i shld probably? i lean towards Mallick/Brit, obviously, but also Mal/Adam n honestly Mal/William. but i do love Mal/Eric

it gets back into th big strong dog thing, my favorite Thing for Eric, bc he is! he is th big strong dog who protects you in isolates u from other ppl,he is alienation as safety, he is a sanctuary. theres just. smthn abt tht concept tht is genuinely so powerful. he isnt just there, he actively puts himself between his partners n th outside world.

and you have to wonder, in a world where Jigsaw is a media sensation, how much stays hidden? if you've been placed in a trap, whether you live or you die, how long is it before someone digs up every dirty little secret that got u stuck in there? how long is it before your story is plastered in genuine papers and tabloid bullshit alike, twisted and distorted in a sick game of telephone as th less legitimate publications disguise speculation as fact and spoon-feed sensationalism to th masses?

how long before Mal doesn't feel safe going out alone, because What If? because they had to unplug their landline, it kept ringing (each of them did. they all have cellphones, at least). before part of th progress he'd made is undone (if Jigsaw thought it, and now everyone thinks it, then isn't he a monster? didn't he deserve to die?). at least, with time, all things fade. some other poor asshole gets the Jigsaw treatment and all his secrets are plastered across the pages of the daily paper, and slowly, Mal rebuilds some confidence.

until, on a day where Eric felt good enough to go run errands with him (somewhat rare, still early in their respective recoveries), as they step back outside and a camera is shoved in their faces (because people notice, when survivors bond. people want to know why, want to dissect them until there's nothing left), and Eric's reminded of a day where he and Adam had been caught leaving the gas station: sees himself, still so fresh out of the cell, in Mallick as he physically shrinks in on himself. and, you know, there's only so many things you can do. stiff jointed and exhausted and angry, Eric reels back— and, with some sick satisfaction, breaks the reporter's nose when fist connects with face.

part of him is scared he'll frighten Mallick, is always scared when that violence rears its ugly head (but this is a person he loves, this is a person he'd do anything for), except Mallick bursts into laughter as soon as they're back in the safety of their car. a little frantic, on the edge of tears, because when has he ever been worth protecting? (except to Brit, only to Brit)

later, when they tell Pamela, they're both a little ashamed— it's just a job, isn't it, when they look at it with clear heads. at least, when Mallick describes the guy, Pam can assure them he was an asshole through and through. Mal smiles at him, still a little sheepish for enjoying the spectacle so much (that flash of Eric's unbridled, protective rage, and the reporter's scandalized yelling as they'd made their escape), and Eric brushes his knuckles against Mal's hip. when Mallick doesn't pull away, despite what he'd just seen that fist do, the last, lingering doubt uncurls itself from Eric's heart.

Hello! Hope u are having a good day! :D

Umm just want to ask of your opinion... As someone who does art, if someone use your picture for things like making a collage or something related without giving you credit- either they know the picture is yours or they don’t know it’s yours -will you, let them? Like, will it be consider an insult and make you feel unappreciated? Just had something in mind...

What if instead of putting your name, they simply say “credits to the owners”, due to not knowing exactly are the owner of the drawing?

Will you feel offended, in any way?

Sorry for taking your precious time! > . <

hello, i hope you are having a nice day as well! 

tldr: if youre doing it for your own personal use (meaning you are the only one who sees it, and wont post online) then please feel free to do so. if you are posting this collage online, you can do so but please give credit, cause i drew the original image in the first place. please dont confuse this with me allowing reposts. i only allow my work to be used in collages, amvs, etc. because its someone turning my work into something new. theres creativity behind it. and dont even say “credit to the original owners” to me, it lights a raging fire in me that can compare to no other

and here is the longwinded explanation :D

for me, it all depends on whether the collage is for personal use or if its going to be reshared online. personal use means only you or some select friends/family  will see it. i know some people like to do collages for fun as a personal hobby and i think thats really cool and i would definitely allow my art to be used for something like that ^^! something like this will fall under personal use. using art as phone wallpapers also falls under this category (which is why you dont have to ask for my permission to use my stuff as wallpapers ^v^) because youre the only one seeing/using it!

of course, there are some people who use art for edits/amvs/collages that they post online like you said and i think thats great. i know i have no reposting in my bio, but for people who make these edits using others art, they are using their own creativity to make something new, with a work that i drew!!! i think thats super cool so of course i allow it. with. credit. im very thankful to the people who asked me for my permission first though, because it shows they care about the original artist ;v;. online, multiple eyes are seeing it and artists should be given credit when credit is due. reposting tho? no creativity at all. the laziest thing you can do to a piece of work. download image, upload to another site, post.

and i absolutely hate whenever i see “credits to the owner” because to me its the laziest and most disrespectful thing you can do to an artist. just the phrasing...irks me. like the person recognizes that they dont own the piece, the artist is the owner, and yet they are still reposting without permission. even a repost with no caption fills me with less rage than a “credits to the owner” so yes, i will be offended. please dont do that

please join me under the cut if you would like to see my explanation that has turned into a rant about reposting

and in some cases there is a watermark on the piece itself!!! clearly written!!! in plain view!!!! and yet people still write “credits to the owner”. like no, the owners name is clearly written on the watermark. plus it takes not even 5 minutes to put an image into a reverse image searcher and find the original artist. i have done this multiple times because yes, reposting without credit is really that common unfortunately and troublesome for people (me) who want to follow and support the original artists :/// my art has gotten reposted COUNTLESS of times with and without credit, and at this point ive given up on keeping track of and reporting them all cause theres just so many. im convinced i am aware of only 5% of all my art thats gotten reposted. 

so to me, as a person who has gotten my art reposted countless of times, saying “credit to the owner”, even though i have written in both of my account descriptions NO REPOSTING in all capital letters, and have watermarked most of my work, is very disrespectful. i remember when my work started getting reposted A LOT for the first time, and i would get super angry every time it happened, and that rage has fizzled out now but it still remains. i still hate reposting with a burning passion.

i understand theres the innocent kind of reposting where the person is like “this art is so cool! i want to share this with everyone i know!!” (i know cause i did this in the past when i was a stupid kid) and then theres the kind of reposting that tries to gain likes and followers...off of someone elses work. off of something that they have not even made or own. how do you tell the difference between these kinds of reposting? the second one will probably have 100 something tags in the description :/...how lazy could that be? to use someone elses work for your own personal gain. my work is my work alone. if you want to get big on social media, do it with your own work. period.

i know im not alone on this because there is not a single artist i have seen who allows reposts with no credit. (and some reposters have the gall to say theyve done nothing wronggg oooooooo how inconsiderate can they possibly be ooooo im gonna kick them) theres some artists who dont allow reposts at all, no matter what condition, and i completely understand because someones art is their intellectual property, im done.

in conclusion please be considerate to artists, we already got it rough as it is ;-; (sorry for the super long answer ;;;;)

hello, i hope you're having a good day!! i was wondering, do you have any tips for making amvs? like, what programmes you use, how you handle the timing, etc. thank you for all the fun edits you make!!

hi!! sorry for the delay in answering this, i just wanted to take the time to answer it thoroughly and i kept forgetting lol & thank you! i already typed this once and tumblr made it disappear so i apologize if anything i say comes out short ‘cause i’m just trying to remember all that i typed before lol

ok so ill just go through my general editing process in Vegas, i dont know any other program well enough to talk about it at length:

(disclaimer: this is just how i do it, i dont watch tutorials and my editing friends and i don’t watch each other edit often so i would assume that my way is very different from other ways you’ve probably seen! i might even do something in a very stupidly hard way, please feel free to tell me if theres an easier way to do anything lol)

1. Song: So skipping past the “choosing song and ship/character/show” theme, I’ll dive straight into CUTTING THE SONG! I’m not about that Editing The Entire Song life, and neither is most of the editing community anymore, so I cut it up into a shorter thing that I’m better equipped to edit to. I’m just using a random example but here I’ve taken this long ass song and turned it into this:

(the next step just kind of depends on my mood, or ill do both, doesnt matter)

2-A. Subclips: if im making a shorter video or a video where i’m not 100% super familiar with the footage, i will immediately start making subclips using the episodes ive already pulled into the project. if it’s a ship/character that i’ve edited before, i’ll just go to Import->Media from Project and import the subclips i made previously. either way, subclips are there! 

2-B. Sheets: for ships that i know very well/have a lot of footage/im concerned about potentially repeating something, i will go to Google Sheets/Excel and take the lyrics im editing to and put them in column A, separating by pauses in the singing. then i put corresponding footage i think will go well in column B! im often not super specific because i know the beats are gonna be different than i remember, so i usually stick to referencing whole scenes instead of specifics moments. here’s an example:

3. Clip placement: Then I start placing clips down! Below is how I organize my timeline tho I know a lot of editors who put the music on top, this is just how I like it. I also keep a single muted audio layer in between for the video footage’s audio and then I’ll delete that layer when I’m done (or sometimes I don’t, it doesn’t really matter)

I think it’s good to hit the beats as much as possible, it makes for a more dynamic audio-visual experience! In general I try to make my videos so that, if I didn’t add any zooms or typography or coloring, it would still be a good amv. And don’t limit yourself to just one layer, you can have as many layers as you’d like and put clips on top of each other (cookie cutter/changing the layer to dodge or add or screen or whatever) is a good way to mix things up

when I zoom in you can see I’ve got some variety already in my transitions, I know I use that motion-blur-zoom a lot these days but I still try to mix it up and keep my brain invested

4. Typography: After all the clips have been placed (or most of the clips, ofc sometimes I’ll want to add more later) I move on to typography! I’m lazy so the first thing I’ll do it just put down unedited text where I think I’ll want it to go. It just helps me organize myself. Then I’ll pretty up the text afterwards.

Typography isn’t necessary for a good AMV, but really nice typography can really spruce things up. I’ve only very recently gotten confident in my text editing skills, and I just kept watching typography done by editors I really like until I figured out what they were doing. My recommendation is to just KEEP ADDING EFFECTS! Convolution kernel, gaussian blur, mask the text so it appears from angles that the transitions wouldn’t be able to do - of course there’s gotta be a limit for taste, but just add stuff until you like how it looks. Also changing the blending style of the text layer is good, dodge and difference are my go-tos for typography layers.

5. Transitions: I don’t go crazy with transitions, but it’s fun to mess around with them. You don’t want too many crazy/different transitions, you want them to match the mood of the song and the type of beat you’re hitting. I usually ensure that all similar beats in the song have the same transition type on them, bbbbbbut that’s cuz I’m overly obsessed with parallel structure. There’s plenty of fantastic AMVs where they just go ham and do whatever types of transitions they want to in each part of the song and they make it work just fine

(next step, once again, kind of depends on my mood lol)

6-A. Zooms: Time for zooms! I usually just use the pan/crop for zooming, but often I’ll incorporate Sapphire FX BlurMoCurves or NewBlue AutoPan, especially if I’m trying to zoom typography with the footage at the same rate. I try to keep my zooms short and slower, I mean obv it just depends on the song but yeah. There’s a lot of different ways to do zooms so I recommend experimenting and just playing around with different effects

6-B. Zooms...but different: Another way that I’ll do zooms which is definitely pretty different (but this is what I do for crossovers like 95% of the time because I am laaaaaaaaaaazy) is I’ll drag the project into a new project timeline and start editing it there. It’s similar to how After Effects works and it makes it easier to put effects overtop of multiple layers without having to pre-render anything.

So you can see I’ve just pulled in the .VEG file and popped it in the timeline! So this way I can add zooms and transitions without worrying about layers. And if I see a mistake I need to fix, I can just go back into the original .VEG file and edit it, and it’ll be edited when I come back here. So it’s much easier than pre-rendering or trying to do zooms on a lot of layers. To be clear tho, this doesn’t work well if you have a lot of fade transitions, it’s best for sharp transitions and it’s great when you’re using Sapphire FX BlurMoCurves a lot.

7. Overlays: After that I’ll add more typography (or if you didn’t add any earlier, you can add some here overtop of the new project file) that kind of goes on top of everything. And then I’ll add any overlays or objects or whatever else I wanna add! I’m not someone who uses a lot of backgrounds cuz I don’t have a background-creative-brain so I stick to simple overlays at the most.

8. Coloring!!! This is very sad but I only JUST learned a few weeks ago that you can add coloring/effects to your entire video with this button here, so in case anyone else hates watching tutorials as much as I do here’s where I’m talking about:

This shit would’ve made my life so much easier throughout the years lol But alas. Anyway so for coloring there are some effects that are popular for any colorings you’ll find on YT (but you can certainly just download some, Riverdale editors in particular share a lot of really great colorings but you’ll find them anywhere in the live action editing community):

Channel Blend, Color Curves, Color Blend, Color Balance, Convolution Kernel (best for live action footage or footage that isnt very crisp), Color Corrector Secondary

These are all just fun to mess with. Channel Blend in particular is something of a mystery for me, I haven’t studied it fully to understand what I’m doing so I mostly just mess with it randomly until I like what I see lol

9. Render time! First render, anyway. Usually there’ll be some random problem in the footage or something and I’ll have to either go back into the project and fix it OR if I’m feeling particularly sour (or maybe if I’ve rendered like 3-4 times already) I will just take the finished render and manually remove any errors, stretching out the good footage to cover my tracks. You’d be surprised how often I end up doing that lol

And then it’s good to post! I primarily render as .WMV but I also go for .MP4s every once in a while. If I want to upload it to Twitter I’ll do an .MP4 but it’s a new thing for me so I’m still stuck on .WMV mostly.

Anyway I hope this answered your question at least a little bit, I can go into more detail about certain parts of this if you’d like!

To me : a honest open letter to my self. deep breath and open up and express 

What do you know . You went back there again and all though you held on super tight you couldn’t keep him could you? Of course not. You’ve lost your self every-time chasing him and you’ve never been able to catch him.

I thought I wouldn’t survive this one. I thought honestly I was not going to make something of my self . I whole heartedly was ready to give up . What ever happened happened and I could care less it’ll never be as bad as losing you. And I truthfully connived my self that my happiness only lied in your arms.

It took me so long to cry . Once I got back Colorado the reality of my new home, it was such a blur . For a while I pretended you died. To some how help my heart forget you. And thats all I wanted was to forget you. I deleted every picture and every single video .I blocked you on everything I could think of that youd have access to talking to me through . And for what . Just to black out once a week and tell you how much  I miss you and that I love you . I drank my self silly . I mean every event every party every outing I had to be there I had to be anywhere but in reality . Because reality meant no you. It meant what once was and will never be again,, reality meant excepting my feelings. And I wanted so badly to be tough and strong. I’ve gotten my heart shattered a million times by you , you’d think I would get easier . It didnt it was worse . I was so fully invested in you that life didnt exist with out you in it . I didnt know what that felt like anymore . I was so wrapped up In you so blind to reality . Loving you meant losing my self . I lost my self 4 times a year for 5 years trying to keep your heart. I broke my own heart letting you back in to my life so many times . I knew better . But the love I had for you was so much stronger . I couldn’t stay away . I also revolved my entire world around you , so when you where gone I felt so literally like the world was ending . I lost my whole life . I realize now thats not healthy . You have to always prioritize your health and well being before anyone . You have to love you before you love anyone. So wed break up id self destruct then Id put all my pieces back together the ones you broke. Id fix my self and I would get back on track I was moving on I was happy then just like that . One phone call at 10pm where you clearly to drunk to remember the conversation id be on a plane. Drop my job my home my family My friends … quite literally everything just to be with you . Just to love you. All I ever did in this world was so unconditionally love you. I thought I could hate you I did for a while . But I dont anymore . You where apart of my journey and it almost killed losing you but it was supposed to happen . It was part of the plan that god has for me. You coming int o my life brought so much love and bond that ill never feel with anyone else . I will never love someone the way I let my self love you. And when the lesson has finally been learned only then I can move forward to the next chapter. And your purpose in my life was love and lots of lessons and lots of growing . You think god doest hear your heart crying you think he gave up on you ya know , but he never did. In the end you’ll see there was such bigger picture. 5 years I spent going back to you and leaving you. Why did I always go back ? Because loved you but I clearly wasn’t seeing what god prepared for me. He wouldn’t believe his lessons or fallow his guidance so he kept bring ing me back to you so I could relearn and remember why I left and well you might be my soulmate your not meant to be in my story forever . Only a couple chapters . And once you’ve served your purpose to my life that god wants me to have experienced and learned I will be able to move forward. I first must let you go . And I finally am starting to. I got so unhealthy and so sad and so stuck and caused so many health problems to my body . So much that was almost to much to prepare. But I made a choice one day . I chose my self , and not you. I chose to love me and not love you anymore. I commented intently to my family and I mean really gave it my all. I learned that no matter what my parents wouldn’t never leave mom behind .and im going to everything in my power to be a good girl to them and build our love and our relationship . And I think that was gods purpose all along. You cant keep whats not for you . And I didnt understand that when we parted ways. I accept that now . And I know as I continue to stay on the right path god has such beauty waiting ahead for me… look how much I loved you and all I did for you imagine how much I will love the right man. I did alot. Every time we break up I have to fix my self . But I know now its all apart of the journey . All those trials with you just made me stronger it made me braver it made me wiser and it made men grateful for the good ones.  You breaking my heart was one of the best things to happen to me in the end. Because I never would stopped loving you I never would have left you behind. I would have always been your biggest fan and continued to love you till I ended up hating my self. You have the courage to set me free was the kindest thing you ever did for me. At the time I didnt get it but who I am now and what I ve accomplished for my self and how when you try really hard to be better and I mean really hard things kind of fall in to place. God smiles and says okay you deserve this you’ve learned you’ve grown . I manaaged to accomplish that goal of being close to my family . We are so close and we love trust and respect eachother so much . Our bond is very very strong . I managed to get my self too a doctor , I found out I complete sabotaged my health . And oh ya I have 14 allergies !!!!  And some of the effects of those allergies after time has caused a harmful build up to where I was 3 years away form being diabetic , my thyroid completely stopped working . Amplifying my anxiety and my depression . The last month. I was in az i would get sick a lot . Id eat something and get sick . The problem was I was so fuxking drunk all the time I didnt ever thing anything of it. I’ve destroyed my guy and its a blessing that wildly and randomly this doctor asked if she could test me . And we found a lot of issues and also got a lot of answers to a lot of my health issues. Im starting treatment for that . Ill be injecting my self every other day with medicine to help my body repair the damages I have done and it will also help fight allergic reaction and build immunity so this doesnt happen again . I also !!! Am taking my meds again . Different ones but im glad I chose to take this chance on them again . I figured if im going to  put my health and happiness first I dotn need to be drinking and If im not drinking a lot fo stuff is going to come to the surface and I don know how well ill be able to handle that reality. I also like I said thought. Was going to kill my self. I was so heartbroken so so so sad. I knew I needed help and I reached out and got. Now im happy and stable and I get out of bed and I have energy and im so present and to active. I work out everyday . I eat healthy and I lost some weight . My highest weigh t was 168 before our florida trip I got down to 147 , when worked for Linx I was 145 then after being with tj again my mental health went hay wire and I lost my self again . Completely lost. And when I got back to co I was 153 pounds …. I would shift from 145 to 147 … then I just stopped worrying about it and started doing something about it. I channeled all my sadness in to exercise . Im sad go work out im bored go work out im happy hey go work out get that good flow !!  Your angry you miss him what ever it was I worked out then it became all I could focus on cus I learned to love it so Much . I took on running again I put in the work . Things finally where falling into place . I was getting my self back and this time it was better then ever . Better then ever before . I unlocked this door and its been so beautiful. I one day weighed my self just to see assuming id be 145 I was 137 !!!! Wow !!! A week later I was 135 and today I am 133!!!!! Its so cool and feels so good to not be depressed not feel pretty in my clothes. And iliv Amy self. So much . I hope I start working at hooters soon and continue to have a great life. I finally got approved for unemployment and ally back pay and also and extra 13 weeks after mine runs out. Things are just happening . I wasn’t going to get any hadn’t outs . But I was at the bottom thats for sure and you know who was there ? Not tj not the guy you literally did everything for no not him . My mom and my step dad and my brother . They took me in . And it was hard and uncomfterable , but I just stopped going out stopped drinking as much . And did things for them no matter if they where mad at me or if it was awkward.i committed to being good fo them . And I knew it would take time . But little by little ive managed to accomplish all my goals . When I used to be the queen of quitting. I cant wait to see even more of what god has in store for me. And who I become . My skins cleaning up my body is losing weight I more active im healthy and im very in touch with my desires and my well being . I care and love and respect my self so so much. Its like a huge spiritual awakening. I love being alone . I dont feel like alone deserves me right now to be honest .Its gong to take a lot for me to love again but its okay . Not everyone deserves that form me anyway. I worked so hard to me this . To be who I am right now and I won’t let anyone take that away form me. You cause harm to my heart my well being just by !! If you disappoint me disrespect me or hurt me its done . You lost you dot meet my needs your not benefiting and there’s to many many and women on this planet . Ill never waist my time on the wrong one . Ever again. I respect my self to much to put someone over me! And I stand by that now and forever!!!  The new be is bette then ever and its gong to take a hell of a person to change my relationship status . And that cool im honestly not even interested . I dont care to date or hang out or hook up or even have sexual contact with anyone . Im so content with me myself and this beautiful transition im goin through I just want to focus on me and my family and my health. Because this is what its all about. This is what living is. this is life. This is beauty . This is whats important. I feel like im living . And im happy and im only going to get better and better. Thank you god for this life and thank you for giving me the strength to turn the page and start a new chapter on life. I fully trust you and the processs. And that brings me back to “god will never leave you behind” I needed to learn all those things that all may mistakes have taught me . And god has a way of constantly bringing things back Into your life if it has not yet served its purpose or taught you what you needed to learn.  I see that now. Positive mind set is very powerful . Loving your self is amazing and living through god is the best thing you can do . I will always you tj and I will always in some way wish there was a me and you forever .but I cant ever betray my self like that again. That door is officially closed.  See I thought my life was over when you said our relationship was over. But really it had just begun. Everything happened for a reason exactly how its meant to happen . Losing you meant I could finally find my self. It just lit up the path .  God bless <3 no angry  im happy and im I accept this and I forgive my self and you . Life is so Beautiful .

Some one very wise once said … -Life is not about how much you hurt its about how much your willing to suffer. ~VP

Im not willing to suffer any longer.  Except it feel it and then forgive and move forward.

Answer all of them fool

I suppose fairs fair

1. Virginia

2. 17

3. January

4. Cap babey!

5. Cobalt blue

6. Six! My lucky numbers six

7. I have cat dog dog cat

8. I am from Delaware

9. 5’5

10. Size Seven

11. I think i have six pairs of shoes

12. I dreamed this package ive been waiting for for a month came

13. My talent is making other ppl understand stuff like that shit teachers are supposed to do

14. I am not psychic i have no intuition

15. Madman by zero authority or All or nothing by elliphant or reflaugh by hungry lights

16. Avatar or Nerve or Bedazzled or probably all three

17. Someone who will eat pickles and doesnt kill spiders

18. Hell fuck yes i want kids

19. No cuz i dont want a wedding

20. Not really

21. Yea i went when i was little for surgery and i pretty much lived there a couple years ago

22. Nah cuz they cant catch me ; o p

23. My sisters gonna b on tv does that count

24. Always showers

25. Blacc socks

26. Ive never been famous but im popular and well liked among my peers which is basically the same thing

27. I would never wanna b a celebrity i hate being popular and well liked among my peers

28. I listen to metal punk and jazz w a lil soft spot for really electric pop

29. No

30. I sleep with as many pillows as i can get for i believe in living life comfortably

31. If i dont sleep on my stomach my shoulders get really fucked up so

32. Not

33. I would rather die than eat breakfast even tho i love breakfast foods

34. Why would i have any desire to fire a gun

35. Ive done archery a bunch

36. Glib

37. Whore

38. I dont think ive been more than like 23 hrs without sleep

39. Regrettably yes

40. If ive ever had a secret admirer i wouldnt know cuz theyre secret boom next question

41. I can b a good liar

42. Absolutely not i still dont have any intuition

43. I can do a bitchin southern accent

44. I speak mostly gen american so no

45. I love me a good drawl, its a soothing voice to listen to

46. Everytime ive taken the myers briggs test ive gotten a different answer and it’s probably bc im not a person

47. The most expensive piece of clothing i have are my platform boots which isnt really saying much but like i saved for them for a while

48. Yes? Idk i feel like everyone shows me this does it a different way

49. Innie (thanks surgery from earlier)

50. Right handed

51. I am still technically afraid of spiders but im working on just not bc theyre cool and awesome and deserve life

52. Mnms i cant stop eating them its such a problemmmmmm

53. Idk if this counts but pot stickers HIT also channa masala is fukin good

54. I am messy in personality. So very, very messy

55. Probably “that/it fucks”

56. Fuck fucking fucker i do not hav a wide vocabulary

57. It takes me 14 minutes to get ready in the morning but to properly get ready more like 26/7

58. My ego is so large it cannot be comprehended by mortal minds

59. Both

60. All the time it never ends ppl who drive next to me see me yelling at myself and think me a weirdo

61. Also yes

62. No one has ever heard me so theyre not allowed to say one way or the other

63. Oof no skip

64. I try not to b

65. I dont really watch dramas cuz they make me mad ( does sharknado count? Pacific rim? Now that im thinking abt it idk wat constitutes a drama)

66. On me, long hair, on others, doesnt matter

67. I still have the state song from second grade memorized so FUCK YES

68. Biology! I love biology! Chems also pretty cool but its makin me wanna die a little

69. Ambivert

70. No

71. Bitch everything but mostly new situations

72. Not really im scared of not being able to see and falling and busting my ass

73. Sometimes yes sometimes no i hav social intelligence and kno when u shouldnt b nit picky

74. Who isnt

75. Yea but i dont think ive ever started a rumor abt a person

76. I always naturally end up in some sort of leadership position and its annoying as hell

77. Yes

78. Technically

79. Thats a very difficult question to answer

80. Three

81. No i take french

82. If i type fast i type wrong

83. I can sprint pretty fast but anything more than like a minute is a no go i dont b egg of sizing

84. Brown and pink

85. Brown and not pink

86. Bitch everything thanks del river- the environment, most sunscreens, immunity boosters like airborne, ibuprofen and advil and i have a slight cross sensitivity to aleeve

87. Yes its the only way i remember things

88. Their best

89. No

90. Currently my band teacher hes a cunt

91. I guess? Like im used to my name now so i dont have any problems with it but ive always liked the idea of being called angel

92. Not having baby, not naming baby, am adopt thank u

93. I want a kid for a child

94. I work my ass off

95. I work my ass off to the point where i dont stop and im left sitting in the crumbling shambles of my metal stability

96. Movie

97. Really doubt it but i couldnt b certain

98. Still yes they have not faded from my skin

99. One is brown other is purble

100. One is yellow the other is white

101. I nominate myself for the “never having to think deeply abt ur existence ever again” challenge thank u and goodnight

Questions 1, 2, skip a few, 99 100! ANSWER THEM ALL!!!!!!

LETS DO THIS

99 gay-ish asks

how tall are you?5 SOMETHING

what is your body type?SLENDERMAN

what is your favorite part about your body?THE T

is your current hair color your natural hair color?YES

are you more outgoing or more shy?SHY

are you more femme or butch?ITS COMPLICATED, BUT, BUTCH

are you tol or smol?APPARENTLY IM TWINK. NOT SURE WHERE THAT IS ON THIS SCALE

wine mom or vodka aunt?NO

weird habit?I EAT BREAKFAST FOOD AT ANY HOUR

favorite meme?VIBE CHECK, IM SMUG ABOUT MY URL

do you sing in the shower?NO BUT I USED TO. JUST SHY ABOUT ROOMMATES. I DO IN MY CAR

ever used a bow and arrow?NO, BUT MY BROTHER DESIGNED AND BUILT ONE, GOT IN TROUBLE FOR MAKING A WEAPON

are/were you a theatre kid?IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE IM ALLOWED TO HAVE AN EGO, YES

have you ever seen a broadway musical?NO

do you think musicals are cheesy?NO I THINK THEYRE JUST A MEDIUM OF ART

have you ever been a part of a protest or a march?NO WEIRDLY

favorite Cards Against Humanity Card?IDK THEM

last movie you watched?PROBABLY MEGEAMIND

behind the camera or in front of it?BEHIND. BUT BOTH IS GOOD

favorite tv show?AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER

meaning behind your urlTHE ACTUAL REASON IS IT REMINDS ME I CAN TRUST MY INTUITION

reason you joined tumblrA CRUSH WROTE IN MY YEARBOOK I SHOULD GET IT. DONT WRITE THAT IN PEOPLES YEARBOOKS

who’s your closest tumblr friend?THE PERSON ASKING ME 99 QUESTIONS

what’s something most people love that you hate?TACOS AT WORK. THEYRE POPULAR OF COURSE. I MAY NOT KNOW MY TACOS, BUT PLAIN RAW CABBAGE ON THEM MAKES ME DOUBT

have you ever taken narcotics?NO

have you had sex?NO

have you ever gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?I DONT GET CAUGHT!!!! IM SO SNEAKY… AND TRAUMATIZED. I ONLY GOT CAUGHT WHEN PEOPLE WERE LIKE, HUNTING ME. NOT FAIR. ALSO HOW DO YOU “GET CAUGHT” FOR DOING NORMAL THINGS LIKE READING AND HAVING CLOTHES

worst/funniest lie you’ve ever told?PROBABLY THE REASSURING CHRISTIAN VALUES THINGS I TOLD MY PARENTS TO GET MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE. IT WAS THE FUNNIEST BECAUSE FOR SOMEONE INCONVENIENTLY TRUTHFUL, THAT WAS SOME PRETTY HARDCORE LYING IN A RIDICULOUS SITUATION, AND THE WORST BECAUSE WHAT A HORRIBLE THING TO HAVE TO DO. IT WAS HORRIBLE BECAUSE I WAS SO CONVINCING BECAUSE I MIXED IT WITH THE TRUTH I COULD SINCERELY EXPRESS

describe your passion without mentioning it.HEY GUYS IM WRITING CHAPTER 1 AGAIN I THINK I FIGURED IT OUT THIS TIME

describe your best friend.WARM STRONG RESILIENT UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING KINDLY HONEST CREATIVE TALENTED BRAVE HARDWORKING BEAUTIFUL ORIGINAL NURTURING SELF CONFIDENT

give us one thing about you that no one knows.NO ONE KNOWS THE GRITTY DETAILS OF SOME SAD MOMENTS IN MY PAST. DID YOU KNOW I HATE THE SMELL OF HOSPITAL FOOD FROM WHEN I VISITED A FAMILY MEMBER IN A PSYCH WARD

how do you feel right now?GOOD, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO BED THOUGH

what is your biggest fear?BREAKING SELF HARM STREAK

what’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?SING A SONG EARTH WIND AND FIRE

what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far?LEAVING MY PARENTS. ITS TAKEN ME AGES TO UNLEARN SO MUCH SELF-DEFEATING STUFF

have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end?MOSTLY EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE BUT IM CHILL

something you fantasize about.ACTUALLY DANCING TO MUSIC I LIKE. I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO DANCE BUT I WANT TO SFM

last time you cried and whyTHAT PREACHER GUY IN LUCIFER. IT SUCKED BUT IM SO BLOWN AWAY BY LUCIFERS ANGRY YELLING AT THE SKY. WHAT A GIANT MOOD

what was the last thing that made you laugh?MY SISTER ASKING ME WHAT DILF MEANT

do you really, truly miss someone right now?NO. IF I MISS SOMEONE, ITS A SIGN THEY WERE A BAG OF DICKS TO ME AND MESSED UP MY INNER CLARITY

who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?YOU

the last time you felt broken?WHEN MY TWO FRIENDS AT THE TIME GANGED UP ON ME AND ABANDONED ME AT A NOT PRETTY TIME IN MY LIFE. I COULDNT EAT WHICH AND I STILL STRUGGLE WITH EATING, I NEVER USED TO

are you starting to realize anything?THAT IF I RELY ON MY LIFE EXPERIENCE, ILL EXPECT TO FAIL AND SABOTAGE MYSELF, AND INSTEAD I NEED TO TAKE RISKS AND PUT FAITH IN MY FUTURE.

are you more dominant or more submissive?THERES EVIDENCE FOR BOTH, BUT I THINK THE LATTER IS JUST FROM ABUSE AND GIRL RULES

i’ll only date you if _____. (fill in the blank)WASH YOUR HANDS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older?AROUND MY AGE THERE IS SOME UNDERSTANDING

describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail.IM NOT IN LOVE I DONT EVEN HAVE A CRUSH. I MAY HAVE A SQUISH

do you have any kinks?MAYBE SO

first thing you notice in a person?HOW THEY HANDLE STRESS AND PROBLEMS, IF THEY BLAME/GET ANGRY, OR IF THEY ARE COMPASSIONATE AND PATIENT. LOOKING FOR RED FLAGS

how can someone win your heart?FOOD. CHEESECAKE WAS A POWER MOVE. BONDING… OVER FOOD. I HAVE HAPPY MEMORIES ATTACHED TO BEVERAGES.

been rejected by a crush?YES

have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?YES

would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?NO

is trust a big issue for you?YES

did you hang out with the person you like recently?NO

is confidence cute?YES, SELF LOVE LOOKS GOOD ON PEOPLE

what would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?GOOD FOR THEM. I DONT LIKE ANYONE RIGHT NOW

would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?NO. GIGGLING LIKE A LUNATIC IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF MY LIFE AND YOU NEED TO KEEP UP

does the person you have feelings for right now know you do?IF THEYRE FEELINGS, PROBABLY, BECAUSE IM TRANSPARENT

ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?IVE HAD MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED FOR MY FTM TRANSITION

do you want to get marriedYEAH WHEN IM FIFTY THEN ILL GET A BUNCH OF DOGS AND CATS AND CHICKENS

worst thing you’ve ever done?APPARENTLY IVE BORROWED BOOKS AND NEVER RETURNED THEM

three things that turn you on.IM GOING THRU PUBERTY 2, TEENAGE BOY EDITION, IT DOESNT TAKE MUCH

who do you hate?I DONT LIKE SUCH SIMPLE CATEGORIES, BUT I START TO FEEL HATRED WITH REPEATED CRUELTY/WHEN SOMEONE REFUSES TO HEAR ME

favorite term of endearment?MY FRIEND

who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening?I DIDNT REALLY HAVE TVS/POP CULTURE GROWING UP LIKE MOST PEOPLE, PROBABLY FOUND IT IN CREATIVE WRITING

intimidating girls or kind girls?KIND

what do you look for in a possible partner?EQUALITY

do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?YES

are you good at flirting?PERHAPS. WHEN IM NOT THINKING ABOUT IT

who was the first person you came out to?I DONT ACTUALLY REMEMBER. A HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND. IT WAS A STRESSFUL COMPLICATED TIME, MY WORLD WAS UPSIDE DOWN, IT WAS GRADUAL

do you have any friends who are wlw?PROBABLY

is your crush wlw?IDK

last person to make you reconsider your sexuality?A DOUCHE CANOE UNFORTUNATELY

write a short love poem to your crush/self?DEAR PERSON,THANK YOU FOR THE CHEESECAKEIT WAS SO GOODBUT ONLY BECAUSE IT WAS FROM YOU

do you fall in love easily?NO. I WISH I DID. I COULD USE THE HIGH TO GET STUFF DONE

is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?I HATE TALKING ABOUT THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL HUMILIATED AND ASHAMED, SO I JUST DONT. I ALSO HATE TALKING ABOUT SELF HARM BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW HOW. AM I GOING TO TRIGGER PEOPLE? AND IT IS SHROUDED IN SHAME AND FEAR.

are you good at hiding your feelings?YES, WHEN I CONSCIOUSLY MAKE AN EFFORT TO

are you a forgiving person?NO. I USED TO BE ALL ABOUT FORGIVENESS, AND GREW UP FORGIVING ABUSIVE CYCLES, IT WAS SO UNHEALTHY. NOW I FEEL LIKE A CROW HOLDING GRUDGES FOR CENTURIES, AND I DONT WANT TO BE BITTER EITHER – I OFTEN FEEL BAD FOR NOT FORGIVING, EVEN IF ITS JUST FORGIVENESS FOR MY OWN SAKE. BUT ITS A NEW DEVELOPMENT THAT IM ALLOWING MYSELF TO FEEL ANGRY, BE TRUTHFUL ABOUT BEING WRONGED, WANT JUSTICE FOR MYSELF. AND MAYBE SOME THINGS SHOULDNT BE FORGIVEN.

what is your “type?”I DONT KNOW. I RECENTLY STARTED GROWING SOME SELF WORTH, AND I DONT THINK THE PEOPLE IVE SOUGHT OUT TO RELIVE MY PAIN COUNTS

fall asleep in her arms or rub her back until she falls asleep in yours?LAST ONE

tall girls or short girls?BOTH IS GOOD

hugs or kisses?HUGS

twirl her around or get twirled?I WANNA TWIRL PEOPLE

tummy kisses or thigh kisses?BOTH

hairline kisses or neck kisses?NECK

play with her hair or stroke her tummy?PLAYING WITH HAIR

making out or soft kisses?MAKING OUT

hugs around the neck or hugs around the waist?WAIST

how confident are you in your sexuality?I THINK PEOPLE WOULD ASSUME IM NOT. IM SHY, AND MY NERDY CHRISTIAN VIBE ISNT GOING ANYWHERE. IM ALSO JUST BEGINNING TO LIVE AS MYSELF AND IM RELEARNING EVERYTHING. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO REALLY KNOWING MYSELF IM CONFIDENT

when you like someone do you blush or get butterflies in your stomach?NO. I WILL START CRANKING OUT ART AND FOCUS LESS THAN USUAL

have you ever liked a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them?YES

how old were you when you realized you were into girls?20ISH BUT THE SIGNS WERE THERE LONG BEFORE

most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl?I GOT MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED REMEMBER

do you have a favorite lesbian ship? is it canon?I DONT KNOW MANY BUT IM HAPPY FOR THE CANON MARCELINE AND BUBBLEGUM

what is the most aggravating thing someone has said to you about your sexuality?MY SISTER PROJECTING ABOUT HER LIFE. WE HAVE CONSERVATIVE MISOGYNIST PARENTS BUT WE ARE VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE AND IT DID NOT AFFECT US IN THE SAME WAY

when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter?I FEEL LIKE IM FORGETTING SOMETHING NICE A STRANGER SAID ONCE

what is love to you?NOT SOMETHING YOU DISPENSE AT YOUR CONVENIENCE. ITS A WAY OF LIVING – IF YOU LOVE YOURSELF, YOU LOVE OTHER PEOPLE, AND YOU LOVE THE WORLD AROUND YOU AND TAKE CARE OF IT. ITS NEITHER FAWNING NOR CONTROL – ITS ACCEPTANCE

ask me anything.YOU DIDNT ASK ME ANYTHING SO IM JUST GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. IVE BEEN EATING POPCORN CHICKEN WITH HONEY

When I’m With You I’m Home- Part 2

Anonymous: 11+15+73+81 for lance reuniting with an s/o he left on earth

11) “Wow, you look… amazing.”

15) ““When I’m with you, I’m home.”

73) ““Please don’t say goodbye.”

81) “Come with me.”

Phew, this took so long to write! Sorry about that! I forgot to add on the last post- this is with a fem s/o, and Im really working on writing gender neutral- Im just not used to it. So Im so sorry if this made the fic harder to read! And this DEFINTELY doesnt match the storyline from Season 7-so sorry?

Word Count: 3,468

Who: Lance x Reader

Warnings: Some cuss words in Spanish- mentions of depressio 

Hope you enjoy!!!

(not my gif- gypsyastronaut)

“Getting busy over there LAnce?” a voice taunted in front of you; the voice was undefiable as male or female- but you recognized it at once.

“Wait is that- PIDGE?” 

------

You looked over Lance’s shoulder, seeing Pidge (and Hunk) walk over in almost identical lions as Lance (Pidge was green, and Hunk was yellow). They also were wearing the strange armor.

“Y/n?!?” she called excitedly, and soon as she said that both Hunk and Pidge where running over.

“Oh my god you guys, where’d you get all the weird costume?!” You laughed, hugging both individuals.

Pidge’s short, messy hair was a little longer like Lances, but she was still the same height.

Hunk look like he had gained some muscle, and his bandana looked like it could use a good wash.

“Soo…” Pidge smirked at LAnce, “you never told us you had a girlfriend!”

“And you never told us it was her- I mean- y/n!” HUnk exclaimed, trying to be very polite (per usual).

“Well….” Lance tried to explain, giving you a nervous smile.

You smiled back, saying, “We weren’t a thing… we just kinda figured it out right now.”

Hunk and Pidge looked at each other, evil smirks on their faces. You remembered those faces- that meant they were gonna screw with someone (most likely Lance). But just as Pidge opened her mouth, you felt another “whoooosh” over you that made your hair fly forward. And then a second one flew over you 5 seconds later.

“Okay- why is there different colored lions, I thought there was only a Blue one? And is Shiro and Keith in those ones?” You asked the group quickly, anxiously waiting for their answer.

“Yeah, that should be Shiro and Keith,” Hunk answered, turning towards the spot that they landed.

Lance pondered for a second- how do you know about the Lions?

He gave you a look that you knew to well that he was confused, and you realized he caught your mistake- he couldn’t know about what you did- he CANT. You quickly left him, running to go meet with Shiro and Keith to get away from any awkward questions.

“Mr. Shirogane! Mr. Shirogane is that really you?!?” You yelled, happily excited to see your favorite teacher again- until you realized you were only wearing a breathing suit and you stopped running awkwardly.

“How have you been y/n?” He asked politely, not noticing your lack of clothing.

“Uh- pretty good-“ you said thinking “He’s hairs way different…….”

Then you noticed Keith, you were standing right beside him.

He looked moody- as usual.

“Hey Keith,” you gave a small wave, and he gave a small ‘Hey.’

Hunk, Pidge, and Lance had finally reached you, standing behind you.

“Alright- somebody tell me what’s going on?” You asked your dying question quickly, afraid that they wouldn’t answer it if you didn’t ask at once. “Why is there lions? Where did you guys go? Where did YOU GET THE ARMOR?!?l

Everyone did something different- Lance looked guilty, Pidge was still smirking at you two, Hunk was staring off at the darkening sunset, Keith looked at you as if he trying to see if you were trying to backstab them, but Shiro looked at you with seriousness and sympathy.

“Y/n,” he began, “I know your confused at all this, to be honest, we are too. We can tell you the story…. but not right now.”

“WHAT?!?” You yelled in frustration. “My best friend left -“

(“Boyfriend”, Pidge snickered)

“And all my friends were said to be dead- and you can’t tell me where you guys have been for the last year and a half?!” your frustration got the better of you, and you forgot who you were yelling at- but Shiro gave a soft smile and said, “I know this is frustrating, but promise me, You will know what happened.”

“Alright….” you complied, and Keith, thinking it was the right time to talk, “Guys, it’s getting dark, we’re gonna have to go.”

“Wait-“ You swiveled quickly to look at Lance- “you can’t go!”

Your heart throbbed to think you had to leave Lance- AGAIN- after only seeing him for about 30 minutes. You would be more heart broken than the last time.

Lance hurt seeing your face- it was as if all the guilt and worry he caused a year and half before was coming all coming to surface on your face.

“Keith- Shiro- I can’t go,” he said defiantly, “this is my home- let me stay for the night- then I’ll go.” You looked at him, hope filling your eyes again, and he smiled down at you.

“Lance you can’t, we have to get back-“ Keith started, but Shiro put a hand on his shoulder, signaling him to stop, and he finished for him.

“Lance, you can stay, I don’t see the trouble in it- but please be back before 9. We do have the meeting with the Garrison tomorrow, and we all need to be there.”

“Alright,” Lanc said gleefully, and you gave him a look he could read as if you were actually talking to him- “Meeting?”

“Just something I have to do,” he looked back, and you nodded in understanding.

You watched all the paladins leave one by one, hugging each one (except Keith, who looked extremely moody and had wrapped his arms around himself- and you were also secretly angry at him for trying to get Lance to leave), and watched as the flew into the sky and into the night, like reversed shooting stars- each one a color of the rainbow.

It was now dark, the ocean turning a dangerous indigo, and the night sky was covered in stars.

“Well- what do you want to do?” you asked Lance, grabbing his hand. You realized how good it felt to put your hand in his and wondered why it took you so long to actually confess to him. You haven't felt this happy in a long time.

Lance blushed, hoping the darkness covered up the red traveling up to his cheeks- but since his armor glowed in the dark, it illuminated his face and almost made it look worse.

“U-um...well- I just want to see my family, I've missed them so much!” you guys walked up the beach, you leading Lance back to your belongings. The sand felt cool and soft and it reminded you of the Moon Sand you and Lance used to play with as kids.

“Yeah its been awhile….” you said airly, imagining the happy faces of the McCLains when they realized their boy had came back home, and you smiled.

After Lance admitted to missing his family, it was as if a plug had come undone and he was spilling everything in a happy, home sick voice.

“Ive missed the my family so much, and especially the food. I haven't  had actual Earth food in forever! Like tacos, and pancakes, and the Spongebob ice creams from the ice cream truck with bubble gum eyes, oh and garlic knots! Man your tia used to make the best garlic knots- does she still make them- “

“Oh mierda!” you yelped.

You stopped walking, your happy bubble being popped.

“Whats wrong?” Lance asked, confused and instantly on guard.

“MY AUNT!” she had warned you not to be out so late- and it definitely looked like past 9.

“We gotta go!”

You sprinted towards your board, Lance following suit, and you ran towards the main road.

A normal walk to your house took a few minutes, but you got there at record time.- but you felt it wasn't fast enough- she was gonna be so PISSED.

You arrived at your little house, the outside being illuminated by warm yellow light streaming out through the windows. The door was open, letting in a soft breeze and the smell of garlic filled the air.

You quietly put down your board, dreading the telling to you were gonna get- and in front of LAnce. You had gotten in trouble in front of him before, but know it was different- your relationship was different. This wouldn't be only just embarrassing- you probably just start digging your grave right after.

“Wait are those… Garlic kn-mmph!” Lanc energetically yelled, and you frantically shushed him with your hand. His eyes got wide, and you whispered, “Just- stay quiet okay- I dont know what shes gonna do if shes sees you-I just tell her super gently so she doesn't have a full blown heart attack- let me handle it.” you quickly added, “Nod if you understand.”

Lance nodded in agreement, and after you realised him from your hand, he spat on the ground.

“Next time you do that,” he whispered harshly, “make sure your hands aren't covered in sand!”

You giggled quietly, angry butterflies fluttering in your stomach.

“Stop being a baby, Feo- just wait here.”

You gave him a weak smile and quietly walked up your front steps, dread building the closer you got to the door.

You slid through, and you saw your aunt’s back in the kitchen, smoke rising as she clanged pots and pans around. You swore your aunt had eyes in the back of her head, cause just as your crouched through the doorway, she turned around quickly, giving you a glare that made you flinch.

“WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!” she bellowed in her slight Spanish accent, “YOU HAD ME WORRIED SICK- IF YOU WERENT HOME IN 5 MINUTES I WAS GOING TO CALL THE POLICE! I TOLD YOU, IF YOU EVER DID THAT AGAIN YOU WERE NEVER GOING TO- Santa Maria….”

Your aunt stopped abruptly, staring not at you but at something behind you. You felt a familiar someone near you, and you stated quietly with a smile- “I got kinda side tracked.”

You looked up at Lance, seeing his soft smile, and you smiled wider.

“Lance… is i really you?” your aunt tentatively walked towards you, clutching her heart as she walked towards him.

“Yeah, its me Tia,” Lance said weakily, as if the amount of happiness in him was sapping his energy.

Your aunt screamed in glee, and put Lance into a bone crushing hug. You laughed, knowing that your aunt saw Lance as a son- you guys were like family.

She finally put Lance on ground as he rubbed his arms to get blood flow back there. “Come come, I just finished making dinner,” you aunt said, a smile etched on her face. You both walked over, seeing the silver baking sheets covered in assorted food; Lance was right, she did make garlic knots.

“Mijo, eat, your a twig!” she said affectionately to Lance, handing him a whole pan of food.

Lance licked his lip, clearing cant waiting to eat. You were hungry as well- you hadnt eaten anything all day, and the hunger had just caught up to you. You grabbed for a bread yourself, and your aunt hit your hand with a spatula.

“Ow!” you yelped, grabbing your know throbbing hand, “What was that for!”

“You were gone for 10 HOURS! No, you can wait- not until you change into something other than THAT!” she said, aiming her spatula at you like a weapon and motioning to your bathing suit.

“Its a bathing suit, Tia” you said, “its something that your suppose to wear at the beach.”

“But you need to cover up- especially around this one,” she looked at you while pointing the spatula at LAnce, who was currently stuffing his face.

“I think she looks great,” Lance said after he swallowed a huge chunk of bread, giving a smug look at your body. You blushed, feeling that maybe it would be a good time to change- your aunt had just whacked Lance on the head with the spatula and Lance gave out a yelp.

You shook your head and laughed, going into your room.

--------------

You turned on the light, the warm glow illuminating the walls. Your room really had no concept- it was just a mess of things that your owned and liked.

In front of you was your window, opened to let in a breeze. The lacy white curtains curled lazily in the breeze. Your closet was open, relieving a mess of shoes and shirts. The far sided wall was painted with stars and constellations, that glowed in the dark. Your bed was blue, covered in pink, green, and white assorted pillows that said “Whatever” and “Shooketh” and other wierd saying you thought were funny or just cute. The walls were covered in snapshots of star constellations and Star Wars posters. Next to your bed, was another curtain- it was red, clashing with the pastel colors of your room. Yes, your room was messy and maybe a little hard on the eyes but- you liked it. It was yours.

You stepped over clothes strewn on the floor, grabbing your phone and playing hit on your favorite playlist, not noticing the quiet voices in the kitchen.

---------

Lance had just explained to your aunt were he had been, giving her a quick run down. He didnt give her more information than he gave you- he felt it would be wrong to tell your aunt first instead of you.

“So- how has y/n and you been doin- since I….you know….” Lance asked, finishing off his 7th garlic knot.

He was worried about you- he knew you too well. The fact you guys had fought hurt him alot, but he knew it would hurt you worse.

“Ay mijo… she wasnt doing well, not at all,” she replied sadly, putting down the towel she was using to clean her hands.

“After you left, she went into a sadness. She was crazy, not the same- going around, crying, yelling at officials saying that they needed to work harder to find you. They gave her a deal and said that she could come back in the next year- how I heard she was acting, shes blessed to have a second chance”

Lance gulped dryly, noticing how dry his throat was.

“What else happened?”

Your aunt continued, “The town was just as sad as she was. Your family mijo- they were heartbroken. But y/n- you would have thought you had died. After what happened to her parents-she had already lost so much, and then losing you… I think it was too much for her.. She stayed in her room all day, never came out, and wouldnt eat. I think she barely slept. I never knew what she was doing, but that was when she put up that red curtain- I never checked what was under i. I didn't want to look into her private things…”

“A red curtain/” Lance looked up quickly, feeling more guilt washing over him. How could he do this to his family? To the girl he loved? And he never realized it?

“Si, mijo… near her bed- maybe you can talk her into showing it to you. But please-” your aunt graped LAnce’s hand with both of hers, “don't tell her I told you this. She would be so mad at me.”

“Of course,” Lance smiled sympthatically at her, patting her hands with his free one.

---------

Lance walked into your room, seeing you lay out clothes on your already messy bed. You pulled a earbud out of your ear, smiling at him.

“Been stuffing your face?” you smirked at him.

“Ha funny- but your not wrong,” he laughed weakly, watching you sadly. How could his happy-go-lucky, sassy, beautiful y/n been depressed over him a year ago? He couldn't see it- he didn't want to see it.

“I just wanted to put something on sorta nice, ya know? You know Auntie, shes crazy over looking presentable over guests- Im surprised she didnt care about what she was wearing when she saw you. What did she say about your suit thingie? That thing, not gonna lie, its a little wierd- What are you doing?”

You stopped abruptly as you turned to look at Lance. He was staring at your wall, your secret, private wall- the curtain was open-nobody was allowed to touch it- especially- him-

Silence filled your room. You felt guilt, shame, dread, and even fear fill up inside you.

“What are you doing?” The room felt still as you whispered those words harshly at him.

“I-just-y/n- what is this? How do you know about-”

Your “secret wall” was covered with a map and black and white pictures of the Blue Lion, Lance, Pidge, and Hunk on the day they had gone missing. All of them were quick snapshots, some fuzzy, some as clear as day- alot of them looked like they were from secruity cameras. All of them had red string going from one picture to another, sharpie circling important spots, and sticky notes.

Lance pulled one sticky note off, the words on it clearly spelled out ‘Voltron?”, as if the sticky note itself was confused on what it was.

“How do you know about this? y/n?” Lance’s starined voice hurt you, and it hit you like a pile of rocks. You were looking at your feet, feeling as if again your world had fallen around you. You had worked so hard to keep this a secret.

“Lance- I-” you began, realizing it was a lost cause to lie- he would see right through it.

You walked towards him, Lance’s eyes covered in confusion.

“The night you left- I-I followed you. I knew where you were going. Pidge had invited me to help her at night before because she would sometimes need help with her machines, but she was good at covering up her tracks. The only thing I accidentally saw was the word “Voltron.””

“So, that night, I followed, you, to make sure you didnt do anything stupid- which you did. After the explosions, I tried to follow you, but you had already were gone after I recovered from the sound. I went inside to maybe find you, see if you went inside too- I wish I didnt- cause after that you were gone.”

“I started- feeling the Garrison was doing enough to find you. I spent months telling them my story, but they did nothing. I was- failing classes, because I was going and stealing information off the Garrison.”

Lance gasped, scolding, “y/n!”

“I know, you laughed, “bad, right? Well, they found me out one day- I was printing off a picture of something- i dont know- another snapshot of the Blue Lion? I dont know- anyway, they called me in and started inerrogating me. They realized i knew too much information, and after I said that I was going to call in the government and tell them what they were hiding- the Garrison freaked out. They let me off the hook, and said I could come back whenever I could- I think they just didnt want me to sell them out.”

“So yeah- came back home- and started doing this-” you motioned to the board. “This was all I would do. I just wanted to find you Lance.” you turned to the board, facing away from him because tears were threatening to spill.

“I was lost without you.” you voice hitched, giving away the tears that were slipping away. You felt hands around you, and grabbed them like you needed them to help you stand up. You smashed into his chest, filling yourself fall part.

“God, Lance, I couldnt think, “ you cried, “I didnt know what to do with myself. Everyday- it was the same and I couldnt do it. I couldnt do it anymore. Please dont leave. Please dont say goodbye. dont go back.” you cried, grabbing his neck like your life depended on it.

Lance’s heart gave a violent throb. He had seen you cry- but never seen you breakdown. He grabbed you tighter, knowing he had to go, there was no way out of it- but he didn't want to leave you- knowing you would be this upset and depressed-

“Come with me,” he said, so quiet you were the only that could her him.

“What?” you asked, feeling you eyes itch with puffiness.

“Come with me, the Lions are stationed at the Garrison- thats where were staying at! Y/n Im so sorry I did this to you- I hate seeing you cry….”

He pulled you into another hug, and you realized how much you loved him- he cared so much about you, and how you could have ever been angry at him for leaving made you angry at yourself. But going back to the Garrison? You were scared- so many bad things had happened there, you didnt want to relieve that again…..

“I know your scared, but itll be okay, this time Ill be by your side the whole time- I promise,” he said, almost as if he was reading your mind.

You stayed quiet, still feeling uncertain.

You pulled apart from him,, dabbing your noise with the back of your hand. “Let me think about it, kay?” you asked him, giving him a smile.

“Alright,” he replied sadly, and left your room, knowing that you would make your decision soon- you never liked to dwell on things for too long. You closed the door, locking it.

The Garrison? Again? You did miss learning about space though...and you'd be able to be with Lance and your friends again…..

You sighed, thinking, “What am I gonna do?”

----------

Lance walked out to see your aunt feverishly doing the dishes.

“Did you see it, mijo?” she asked quickly, walking towards him.

“Yeah, I did.”

“Well- what was it?” she asked fear and hope filling her eyes.

“Well, um- “ Lance started, feeling as if maybe he shouldn't be the one to tell her, he paused thinking of a way to not tell your aunt outright but not lie to her at the same time.

“Lets just say- it involves a Lion.”

And right when he said that, you had walked out, wearing something all too familiar.

You were wearing your old Garrison jacket and pants, and you had put your hair into a sleek bun.

“A blue Lion to be exact.” you smiled, looking at Lances beaming face.

-----------

Oh mierda- oh shit

Feo- ugly

------

Requests are open!

here’s a big ol dump of art thats been sitting in my folders for anywhere between 1-3 years that at this point ill probably never finish to accompany some Really Long rambling under the cut

im a junior in college now (””should be”” a senior/whatever that means/since i took a gap year but) but when i was in my like....sophomore-senior years of high school i drew like.....every. freaking. day. like literally i feel like i would draw like, 1 or 2 fully fleshed out, give-all-my-attention to type drawings every single day of my life, and i always had so much fun doing it.

after having a while to self-reflect though ive concluded theres kind of some layers to this. because i figure theres at least a little romanticization of the past going on, because i KNOW i wasn't a very happy person in high school; in fact, mental health wise, late high school into my freshman year of college was probably my very lowest point. i did lack motivation at these points, but not for drawing; i kind of put off school work and college prep, which wasn't good, but drew like HELL every single day, and pretty much all of it was fan art. thats one of the main differences between me then and me now; i used to dedicate so much of my time and energy to “fandom” and the media i was into, and it totally fueled my desire to draw, whereas now, i obviously still enjoy different series, but... my life doesn't really revolve around them like it used to.

the way i see it, i think i definitely used to use media and fandom participation as a form of escapism, but not really the good kind... i think it was more of a maladaptive obsession i failed to keep in check that i know for a fact really got in the way of my schoolwork, and i only doubled down when it came time to apply to colleges, because of course that stressed me out and scared me; during times like that, which was almost always due to my mental health issues at the time, i clung to fandom because its what brought me comfort and kind of shielded me from my responsibilities.

either way, that obsession with whatever media i was into at any given time is also what i think gave me that desire to draw all the time that i miss so much. i think being THAT invested in something is what actually gave me the constant desire to create, and being able to create something and feel accomplished in something without having to face anything uncertain or scary kept me totally hooked. so its weird trying to parse how i feel about that time period in my life.

on one hand, my mental health has gotten SO much better. obviously ive matured a lot since high school, so over time ive learned about much better coping mechanisms and ideas about mental health, ive gotten on a medication that works for me, and ive really gotten into my major so I'm really enjoying school as well. and obviously this is progress that i would never, ever, just want to give up or throw away. however, its also this progress that seems to have inadvertently influenced how often i draw, because I'm no longer fully diving into media/fandom because i dont need that escapism anymore, and therefore i don't have this like, feverish, obsession-fueled desire to draw like i used to. its kind of a double edged sword i guess and something i don't have a clear answer to.

i also think another factor i can't ignore is that i used to have a very large following in a lot of fandoms on tumblr, and if i remember correctly before i deleted my old tumblr i had around 12,000 followers that i had accumulated over probably the course of about 5 years. so that meant that my fan art got a LOT of attention. not to sound like hur-de-blur-social-media-is-evil but like at least in my personal experience, i kind of taught myself to think, “your art is only worth something if it gains a huge, instantaneous reaction, and peoples’ reaction to your art is the ONLY thing that decides its value.” and thinking like that really has hurt how i feel about my art over time! often times, after deleting my tumblr, i would find myself thinking, “well whats the point in doing any art, because nobodys going to see it anyway” so i honestly didn't draw or feel anything for art for a long, long time. in that time i channeled my feelings and energy into much more harmful activities, and i really could've used art at the time, but it had become such a worthless concept in my head since i could no longer associate it with immediate praise and attention.

i forgot a lot of important things about art, most importantly, how it could be fulfilling to just ME and that that was ok. i forgot that drawing regularly would help me improve, or give me something to focus on when i felt down, or give me the power to create something when i felt like i messed up everything else around me, or just make me happy because i thought of something i wanted to put on paper and then just put it on paper. and thats one of the main reasons i created this tumblr; i want to kind of rekindle that passion i had for art, but this time, without the maladaptive obsessions and without the need for approval from everyone around me. and i know this isn't a unique struggle; i know lots of artists who share their work online get discouraged by how little attention their work gets after they put so much time and effort into it, and like them, i don't have an answer as to how to “fix” this feeling either. but i can at least try. i want to prove to myself that the time i spent feeling hopeful and happy about something i created justifies its entire existence regardless of now many notes it gets, whether its OCs, fan art, digital, traditional, whatever. i just want to learn how to draw because it makes me happy.

that said, finding the motivation can be hard. however, i think I'm sometimes a little too hard on myself. I'm on winter break right now, and ive kind of defaulted to thinking “you haven't drawn enough, you've wasted so much time wishing the motivation fairy would visit you and make you draw that you haven't put in the time and effort needed to make yourself do it, youre pissing away every chance you have.” but when i think about it, i don't think thats true.

ive spent a lot of time thinking about OCs recently, which is kind of wild, because i haven't had the desire to make OCs in probably literally ten freakin years, so thats honestly huge for me--i actually really WANT to make original content despite the fact that i know it won't get as much attention as fan art, and i want to just do it for me, because i want to get it out. ive done a whole character sheet and I'm working on another! and sure, it didn't take me half a day like it maybe used to would've, but what does that matter? i thought, hey, i wanna get this out, and i got it out, and thats good enough for me. ive even written up storyboards in case i wanna ever make some small comics about my OCs just for fun, which is exciting cause ive never done it before. ive also been working on a commission for a close friend who wanted me to design her a fursona, and not only has it been a really fun process, but its the first commission ive done in a really, really long time, and it feels really rewarding. on top of that, I'm working on a painting for my dad as a late christmas present, and its my first really ambitious traditional piece in a while, so thats been pretty exciting too. and sure, ive done some fan art, but it feels like its coming from a better place; its less “please assign me value” and more just, really feeling something for the characters and wanting to try to connect with other people who feel something for those characters as well.

so, while it seems challenging, i also need to remind myself not to be blind to my own progress. i think i am doing better, and feeling better about art even if sometimes it feels like i spend way more time thinking about doing art instead of actually doing it. i think thats probably normal, and i think i can keep heading in the right direction.

ANYWAY this got really long but sometimes typing out how i feel about something and then reading it back helps me understand my own head a little better, so thats ok

1, 2, 17, honestly all of them if you’re up to it

1 - already answered 

2. Do you have a personal favourite among your OCs?

L O R D T jupiter fuck man got damn id die for jupiter 

3. Have you ever adopted a character or gotten a character from someone else?

i have adopted characters before, but ive never done anything with them, and i have received characters Back from people but besides that nah

4. A character you rarely talk about?

HI PLEASE I BEG OF YOU ASK ABOUT THE GODS PLE AS E IM DYING

5. If you could make only one of your OCs popular/known, who would it be?

fuck uh.. honestly if its only semi popular would i do this bc being Well Known would be nice, yeah, but.. it scares me? idk but uh probably leo or aero, theyre two boys i hold close to my heart

6. Two OCs of yours that look alike despite not being related?

:) eldur and leo kinda? idk i try not to make any of them look alike rip

7. Are your OCs part of any story or stories?

YES! theyre actually all part of one universe called cooking with demons! i have a whole game planned out for the man cast kinda? but all in all its all set within one universe, with multiple different stories occurring within it jhfdksg

8 - already answered

9. Would you ever be willing to give any of your OCs to someone else?

unless specfifically made for them upon request, no. ive already tried that once and it lead to me losing any and all control i had over my characters. At this moment, i only “share” a few ocs with my boyfriend @coffee-burglar and even then, its taken almost a year to even be able to do that

10. Introduce an OC with a complicated design?

uh, all of them are kinda complicated for me, but as of right now, that would go to leos full form. (if u want a ref hmu and ill post it, but it wont be my art)

11. Is there any OC of yours you could describe as a “sunshine”?

like a ray of sunshine? yeah! angel and stitch would fit perfectly for that!

12. Name an OC that isn’t yours but who you like a lot

@coffee-burglar their oc chrome n koh,  or derek but thats bc im a hoe

13. Do you have any troublemaker OCs?

aero, jhor, innis, leo are all trouble makers to some degree, leo being the most trouble some

14. Introduce an OC with a tragic backstory

uhhhh fuck what counts as tragic?

i guess id have to say leo or jupiter mostly, but eldur fits too

15. Do you like to talk about your OCs with other people?

if youd let me i would yell about these fucks for hours on end, ive done it

16. Which one of your OCs would be the best at biology (school subject)?

the best but wouldnt enjoy it: Jupiterthe best and would absolutely enjoy it: colby

17. Any OC OTPs?

stitch/lavaaero/kohcolby/derek/inniswill/happiness aeyr/Eberictderek/Xhaztolleo/eldur

18. Any OC crackships?

jhfkdfsjghdfkjhgdkfjsgl i never talk abt it but will/aero is fucking A+

19. Introduce an OC that means a lot to you (and explain why)

ah,, leo. i originally made him to project the worst in myself onto, and because of that ive made his life a living shit hole. but,, recently ive been hell bent on giving him a good ending, one where he heals, and lives his life ok, where he finally, finally has a chance to be happy and get help. its,, kind of been a tiny growing point for me? he just, means a lot to me because of that haha

20. Do any of your OCs sing? If they sing, care to share more details (headcanon voice, what kind of songs they like etc)?

uhhh all of their voice claims are songs n such but only a few of them actually sing in canon! heres the voice claims of the ones who do sing:

Aero - thats his voice, but hed probably more likely to sing Something Like ThisAngelStitch - this is her voice! but shed be much more likely to sing something a lot more upbeat, kind of like thisColby (its jeremy from bmc jghfdkg)

and one i dont have a voice claim for yet that does sing canonically is Sycamore! 

21. Your most artistic OC

!!!! oh thatd easily be will! hes nothing professional at all, but he does enjoy drawing and making diy type projects :0c hazels also artistic but with food :0c but what would you expect from a kitchen witch

22. Is there any OC of yours people tend to mischaracterize? If yes, how?

Hi My Names Skinny Penis And No One Has Ever Even Looked At My Ocs For More Than Two Seconds

23. Introduce OC that has changed from your first idea concerning what the character would be like?

lordt all of them would fit that, but the one thats changed the most? lordy thatd probably be will! he used to be a persona that was mostly only interested in dying and getting fucked, but now hes? evolved into a fully fledged character, and has even changed from being human lmao

24. If you could meet one OC of yours, who would it be and why?

jupiter, simply because he is The Biggest Comfort i have. hes,,, really important to me and i love him a lot

25. The OC that resembles you the most (same hobby, height, shared like/dislike for something etc?)

:) its bold of you to assume they dont all resemble me in some way. the most though? damian. lazy motherfucker with 200 emotional issues and no motivation to fix any of them

26. Have you ever had to change your OC’s design or something else about them against your will?

…yeah.

27. Any OCs that were inspired by a certain song?

Nope, most tend to be born from ideas spawned by me n my bf concepting about my ocs, and what would happen if this thing happened? yknow?

28. Your most dangerous OC?

He has yet to be revealed >:)c his names icarus

29. Which one of your OCs would go investigate an abandoned house at night without telling anyone they’re going?

INNIS, GOD INNIS WOULD AND HED PROBABLY DIE

30. Which one of your OCs would most likely have a secret stuffed animal collection?

secret: damiannot so secret: colby

31. Pick one OC of yours and explain what their tumblr blog would be like (what they reblog, layout, anything really)

uHHhhHh 

damian would probably have a very shitty coded blog theme (or default) and would genuinely only reblog shitty, abstract memes, and nice food recipes for hazel to make him

32. Which one of your OCs would be the most suitable horror game protagonist and why?

protagonist? if youre going for the scared baby, colby. if ur going for the stoic “thats weird but ok” one, innis or aero.antagonist tho???? Leo and angelica :)

33. Your shyest OC?

uh, a oc thats genuinely shy and not just anxiety filled? angel :0c shes had a very limited interaction pool with anything thats not other angels so she tends to shy away from others bc she really, really doesnt want to get into awkward situations

34. Do you have any twin characters?

Jupiter and leo!

35. Any sibling characters?

Jupiter, leo, angelica, damian, eldur

jupiter, leo, damian, and angelica are all related via their dad, while eldur is related to damian via their mom

36. Do you have OC pairs where the other part belongs to someone else (siblings, lovers, friends etc)?

uhh if im understanding this question right yeah i do! derek, koh, n a lot of others belong to @coffee-burglar ! ive just roped them into my universe dkjfhkdjgh

37. Introduce an OC who is not quite human

Op All Of My Characters Are Inhuman

38. Which one of your OCs would be the best dancer?

surprisingly? aero! hes got really good rhythm and can actually dance really well, its kinda scary

39. Introduce any character you want

:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Ill let yall have a choice, pick one

1.) Lust2.) Greed

40. Any fond memories linked to your characters? Feel free to share!

fond?? uh,, not really. but damian does have a very important memory attached to him.

tw for suicide ment hjgkdfs

with damian, i created him after i tried to kill myself and was stuck in a mental hospital. i had just finished reaing the first shadowhunters book, and decided to try and draw the first demon(???? was that what he was?? im a dumbass and its been over 2 years) you met, which had bright blue hair and if i remember correctly, electric green eyes? but yeah. i made him to cope with all the mental stress i had while being forced to be in that hospital, and hes become very close to my heart because of that

41. Has anyone drawn fanart of your OCs? If yes, maybe show a picture or two here (remember sources & permissions!)

!!!!!!!!! yeah!!! my boyfriends drawn damian and most of my characters bgjkfdhgkfdsgl but one i do hold close to my heart (bc at the time, i barely knew them) was when @stuck-in-the-ghost-zone drew aeyr! it made me really happy tbh. i still have it saved to my phone actually!!!

42. Which one of your OCs would be the most interested in Greek gods?

uhhhh,,, provided that they found a way to get anything involving earth and their beliefs itd probably be either angel or colby. angel enjoys learning anything and everything she can, while colby enjoys hearing about the Tea™ that comes with greek shit

43. Do you have any certain type when you create your OCs? Do you tend to favour some certain traits or looks? It’s time to confess

lordt ok

i really just? enjoy making demons really, or anything that doesnt quite fit “conveniently attractive” in at least one form they have. (i also favor making guys bc im Gay)

44. Something you like about your OCs in general

how well theyre coming together, for so long, their stories have been little fractures and pieces that never fit together. Fragments. but now, theyre almost fully put together and its… wonderful to see

45. A character you no longer use?

a hi have.. one. their name was angel aura, a steven universe oc. i got rid of them because of too many.. bad things.

46. Has anyone ever told you that you treat your OCs badly?

not directly, but yes. it.. actually helped me give a lot of them a ok life, or at least a good ending

47. Has anyone ever (friendly) claimed any of your OCs as their child?

@coffee-burglar eldur, colby, will n a few others lmao

48. OC who is a perfect cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure

ELDUR GOD ELDUR PLEASE SOMEONE GIVE THIS KID BACK TO HIS MOM

49. Which one of your OCs would most likely enjoy memes

damian

50. Give me the good ol’ OC talk here. Talk about anything you want

ghjkfgkfdhgklfjhglkjdfhgslfjdgh give me a actual thing to talk about bc im dying op

they got so many films out of that bc they kept adding ridiculous stuff like magic (? i think there was some magic in like part 4) and vampires 😅 and amazing i hope you know you have gotten yourself into endless requests of this verse now whenever you post a prompt list 🙃 oh i feel that though like german makes it incredibly difficult to be funny/communicate in general. maybe that's where the stereotype that germans don't have humor comes from. our language fucked it up (1/5)

wondering whether if i put some text before the read more it actually works 

(2/5) KÖNNTE MAN MIR DIE BUTTER REICHEN i'm screaming this is so funny mainly bc it's so true that's such a STRUGGLE like who the fuck thought that was a good idea. i had to write my deutsch abi about this btw we had to discuss whether du/sie should be removed and i never had stronger opinions about a topic so that was fun to write 😅 oooh alright 🙈 but very true since we started talking about the disgusting overuse of verbs in german i keep noticing it and it's just too much.

(3/5) i don't understand that at all i love your accent so much really. maybe particularly bc it sounds a little harsh? idk i like it and i could compliment it for days 😅 your friends apparently don't have taste 🤷‍♀️ & i am very interested to find out what your oma says bc kinesisch has been haunting me ever since i heard it for the first time. also i would love to hear her reaction to you just calling and being like "oma hallo sag mal bitte china"

(4/5) since the acoustic version of stand by me practically slapped me in the face with being so amazing i'll be sure to listen to that live album thank you for educating me about oasis. do you have other oasis recs that are not like the basics? & helen don't play with my feelings like that you don't understand how soft i am for soulmate lashton and how much i miss them. though i saw you said you're feeling a bit uninspired with them which is so scary to me bc of the trauma from your other fics

(5/5) oh i have a question about them tho that i'm sure i could find the answer to if i just reread the fic but then i'd miss them more so: what do ash and luke look like in that verse? bc if i remember correctly (which i'm not sure about forgive me if i'm wrong please) they were originally dating up to the age they are now (so 24/26) and are two years older in present time of the fic? so they could look very differently technically. just wondering if you had specific looks in mind -spoiler twin

HELLO WHAT I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THE VAMPIRES???S DFKJWEFKHBWEHR however i did rediscover my dwk dvds...perhaps i will have to give them a cheeky watch...see if i can actually piece together any of the plot...also skdfjnskhjdf listen germans have such a fucking good sense of humour you just have to undersand it german memes are some of the funniest ive ever seen also something that i cant explain to british people but one of the funniest things germans do meme-wise is when they literally translate english? so when they’ll be like manchmal tut es so sein wie das or something idk why but its SO funny to me also the memes where they deconstruct the words to what they actually mean like this one or this one i dont konw why but they SEND ME 

SDJNFSKJDNF OKAY LISTEN I KNOW i’m so glad you’re on the same page its just so stressful like when i was working at a school last year people would introduce themselves to me by their first name and then still siez me and i’d be like ?!?!?!? this is not what i was taught ?!?!?!? 

omg please...youre so cute i cant believe u like it skdjfbwehbf my abrasive little south london accent has rights with one person on the planet and that is good enough for me <3 also i will literally ask her the next time i speak to her if she says kina i’m actually going to disown her so stay tuned for possible family drama

OKAY!! i have a lot of oasis recs let me make a separate post so you can see ok this is the playlist that started off intending to be a britpop playlist but just devolved into oasis/noel/liam so theres a few non-oasis songs on here but i have categorised them all for you also the slide away acoustic is so good isnt it!!! other favourites off that album are half the world away acoustic there is a light and importance of being idle acoustic too but honestly all of it is brilliant noel can do no wrong in my eyes 

okay listen i actually wrote another chapter of soulmate au but i hate it i’m trying to work up the courage to look over it so i can edit it into something thats acceptable to post but just know there is another chapter out there fear not <3 also that is actually a good question i hadnt really put too much thought into it i think ashton looks like current ashton in my head iirc he has got the black hair i think in the first restaurant scene i imagined him as that pictureo f him in the lace shirt and luke just looks like current luke all i ever think about is their hair sjdkfnwkhefb luke has curly hair and ashtons in black hair mode thats all i can tell u i apologise i have no brain cells or creativity

92 Tag

Ive been tagged by @goldenchakyeon 

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

THE LAST: 1. Drink: water 
2. Phone call: my dad 
3. Text message: telling someone to open a call in smule 4. Song you listened to: energetic - wanna one 
5. Time you cried: don’t remember. well probably today after i watched s3 of voltron and got hit with the feels

HAVE YOU:
 6. Dated someone twice: yes 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: no 8. Been cheated on: no  
9. Lost someone special: no 
10. Been depressed: idek how to describe depression but i feel sad and lonely most of the time hahahaha 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: im a good girl lmao

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:
 12-14: green, blue, pink

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:
 15. Made new friends: yis (@onibugi-jr winkwink) 
16. Fallen out of love: yes 17. Laughed until you cried: yup 
18. Found out someone was talking about you: i dont really care about this so no 19. Met someone who changed you: no 20. Found out who your friends are: no 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: yes

GENERAL:
 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: i don’t even remember who i’m friends with on fb bc i dont use it anymore but most of them 23. Do you have any pets: dora (golden retriever), pretzel (poodle), bonbon (poodle), flynn (ryder(cat)) 24. Do you want to change your name: i want aliases but not change names if that make sense 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: had a birthday lunch with my church friends hihihi (and it’s my mom’s birthday too so with her friends too hahaha) 26. What time did you wake up: 9am bc i had popcon (normally i wake up at 2-4pm) 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: probably finding voltron episodes 
28. Name something you can’t for: (i dont understand the question) 
29. When was the last time you saw your mom: few hours ago before i went to my room 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: nothing 
31. What are you listening right now: the taptaptap of my keyboard 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: no 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: pissed bc s4 of voltron cant come sooner 34. Most visited Website: idk either tumblr or instagram

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: near my eye 36. Mark/s: had a scar on my hand bc i got stabbed by a scissor (funny story) 37. Childhood dream: teacher 
38. Haircolor: black 39. Long or short hair: medium 40. Do you have a crush on someone: if you count jonghyun and minhyun then yes. if not, then no 
41. What do you like about yourself: i’m objective 
42. Piercings: no 43. Bloodtype: A (unlike my grades) 44. Nickname: Joy 45. Relationship status: single and would not like to be in a relationship soon hahaha 46. Zodiac: sagisagisagi 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV Show: NCIS has always been a fave. does anime/cartoon count? Haikyuu and Voltron (+we bare bears) 
49. Tattoos: wants one but my mom would kill me 
50. Right or left hand: Right 
51. Surgery: none 52. Hair dyed in different color: going to dye my hair purple after student orientation yay 
53. Sport: nope. 
55. Vacation: if you’re talking about dream vacation then korea/japan bc i rarely go out of the country. somewhere i can take lots of pictures for ~aesthetic~ 
56. Pair of trainers: no sport/exercise so none lmao

MORE GENERAL:
 57. Eating: kitkat 58. Drinking: water 59. I’m about to: not sure 
61. Waiting for: s4 of voltron 
63. Get married: ugh not until i’m 30 or sth 64. Career: currently student

WHICH IS BETTER
 65. Hugs or kisses: hugs 
66. Lips or eyes: eyebrows lmao 
67. Shorter or taller: taller 
68. Older or younger: older, but all my exes are younger than me hahahahha 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: stomach 
71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive but takes charge 72. Hook up or relationship: hook up 
73. Troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker

HAVE YOU EVER:
 74. Kissed a stranger: no 
75. Drank hard liquor: no 
76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: no 77. Turned someone down: yeps 
78. Sex on the first date: no  79. Broken someone’s heart: ya 
80. Had your heart broken: na 
81. Been arrested: nu 
82. Cried when someone died: nu 83. Fallen for a friend: ni

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: in certain aspects, yes 85. Miracles: yeah bc God and all that jazz 86. Love at first sight: no 87. Santa Claus: never did, even when i was a kid. thought he was scary lmao 
88. Kiss in the first date: ye 89. Angels: yis

OTHER:
 90. Current best friends name: Nicole 91. Eye color: Daaaarrrkkkkkk brown (meaning black) 
92. Favorite movie: Tangled

Tagging: @onibugi-jr @nu-blessed @nu-esthetic @getlayd @dazzlingkai @suhotly (i’m too lazy to tag 20)

is it wrong to be upset that my girlfriend never really gives me gifts? today was valentines day, and she didnt get me anything. i always give her lots of gifts on holidays, and little random things now and then. when she does get me a gift, its often something really impersonal or really cheap. ive never gotten a "big" gift. i dont know if im just being self-centered or selfish, but it really bugs me and it doesnt seem to be something i can just ask her to do.

I’ll be honest, this is a problem I personally relate to. Not because my husband is some jerk who doesn’t care about me enough to buy me gifts. Rather, because him and I have fundamentally different ideas of what gift-giving means.

To him, it’s using our shared money to buy me something I don’t need (because I would’ve already bought it if I truly needed it) and might not even want (because he’s just guessing at what I might like). To me, the girl who spent thirty years’ worth of Christmas mornings watching her parents open the seemingly endless mountain of gifts they’d purchased each other because they just couldn’t stop buying every little thing that might bring a smile to the other person’s face, gifts are a fundamental way of showing affection.

You may have heard of “love languages.”

The 5 Love Languages is a book that has now spawned a bunch of other books by Dr. Gary Chapman. It’s become something of a phenomenon for the way it lays out five very relatable ways that people show their love to each other, and how we may or may not speak the same love languages as our partner.

One of them is receiving gifts. Some people just need to receive gifts sometimes to know that they are loved and cared for. There’s nothing shameful about it; it’s a totally valid way to feel.

So to answer your question: no, it’s not wrong of you to be upset.

What you need is better communication around what your needs are. Make it two-sided. Maybe even pull up the quiz from the site linked above and you can both do it. You can both learn something about what you need from each other to both feel loved and appreciated.

It’s probably also good to be clear about why you value gifts. Give some examples of things you’d like to receive, or gifts you’ve given in the past and your thought process. It sounds like she probably really doesn’t know how to pick a good gift and it’s entirely possible that the whole idea of having to pick something that she’s worried you’re just going to hate anyway is majorly anxiety-inducing. Talking through it can help her understand better what to do and ease some of that.

If she won’t listen and make an effort, then your problem may run deeper than the issue of whether you’re getting any gifts. If it’s part of a pattern of completely failing to meet your needs for affection and she won’t change, evaluate whether you really belong with this person. I always believe in giving the benefit of the doubt to someone you love…but don’t give them a free pass if they won’t improve.

Good luck! I hope you get something great next time!