Just had one of those I can never return to the past moments and feel empty

In Blossom, Episode 13:

I think Episode 12 and 13 are the strongest episodes of the series yet (Episode 12 being superior in my opinion, but only slightly), and the writing considerably tightens in these episodes.

More below the cut. Spoilers included, obviously; proceed at your own risk.

I found myself irrepressibly charmed by the interaction between our second male lead and our first male lead in the beginning, and the insight into Pan Yue's past (the wounds on his heart finally revealed) was appropriately heart-wrenching; the mystery still isn't the best, but the investigative writing in this episode (12) is by far the most impressive of the things shared so far (in no small part due to the fact that they're investigating themselves, and not just interviewing people who coincidentally have the answers they're looking for and then going Eureka! while staring at scrolls or randomly thinking). I think it's no secret that In Blossom doesn't have the tightest writing when it comes to actually being a mystery, so the focus on the character aspects instead makes it a much more compelling story.

Our female lead continues to be the weakest point in the show to me (including her writing): I think her chemistry and compatibility with Pan Yue and Jiang is pleasant and much improved since she first met them, but her writing is inconsistent when it comes to her own character and her interactions with other characters, plus I think the lack of cohesion between how the two actresses portrayed Yang Caiwei doesn't do her any favors either. I'm liking Jiang more than I thought I would, too: his personality is playful, fun, and boyish, and I wonder if he's going to end up as an item with Yang Caiwei's other friend instead? They have very cute interactions and it does seem to be set up that way: I wouldn't be surprised if they ended up as an item.

I previously said I was glad Pan Yue's father didn't look to be an abusive monster (just a bad dad) during a previous episode discussion, but I'll have to take that back now: apparently I was too optimistic about historical fathers with illegitimate sons. My bad! For all I think that it's a tired trope, though, I was hoping for more angst, and it definitely delivered. It's so fascinating that Pan Yue's father doesn't seem to care for Pan Yue's mother or back up Pan Yue when he stood up for her despite his illegitimate birth and instead reprimands him when he refuses to apologize for defending his mother, because you notice that Pan Yue doesn't care about what other people say about him at all: but that temper and violence lashes out whenever people speak badly about people he cares about (like Yang Caiwei).

I also love how Pan Yue's propensity for violence isn't something that he manifested late in life because of Yang Caiwei's death: his method of defending the women he cares about in both past and present is strangling people who speak badly of them with his bare hands.

Again, though, I wish that Yang Caiwei was allowed more complexity: I love Pan Yue grappling with his trauma, his guilt, his suspicion, and his burgeoning feelings of affection towards "Shangguan Zhi" while still grieving, but Yang Caiwei's portrayal is widely inconsistent; she uncovers Pan Yue's grief before she clears him of suspicion (like finding their portrait in his locked box with a key he keeps on him, then saying that he probably did it to fool the public[??]), but once she realizes he's not the killer, she doesn't really think about it afterwards: I expected some more emotional impact from her figuring out he buried her where she wanted because he loved her, or some more grief about her affection for him after she decided not to tell him who she was because she thinks he's in love with the princess, but apart from that initial melancholy, she seems to be giggly, upbeat, and inquisitive around him. I anticipated some shock or emotional response from her: they only reunited for a few days, so she couldn't have known how deep his love ran; but now that she knows he genuinely cared for her, it's just unfortunate that she doesn't figure out the reason for his white hair or have any response to what she found out previously.

Various notes:

I hope Shangguan Zhi and Pan Yue's servants don't become an item; they're cute together, but I'm so tired of the trope where the main characters' second-in-commands/servants get together! It's basically in every drama I've seen.

That moment when Shangguan Zhi almost tells him who she is! And I can't believe that a traumatized, coughing, poisoned(?), still-injured-from-wolves, ill Pan Yue manages to smash a wall with his bare hands, carry Shangguan Zhi out of the dungeons, grieve his dead wife, and flirt with his close friend's sister while laying under the stars: the level of multi-tasking is insane.

The reveal of what the princess actually wants from him was also fascinating: I love that the princess isn't the obsessive female lead type that we're familiar with (see: Shangguan Zhi) but instead has a vested interest in protecting the natural interest.

And when is Pan Yue going to fire that coroner? There doesn't seem to be any point in him being there since he hasn't been able to do his job on multiple occasions.

Twin Flames that Burn Each Other

People are drawn towards others who complement them in good and bad ways, for their strengths and their weaknesses. We often look for those that match our achievements and failures. This includes seeking those with complementary emotional and mental wounds. Basically, complex trauma survivors will partner with someone else that matches their trauma. We then describe this magnetic pull towards one another as chemistry. If this relationship occurs between two partners with unresolved traumatic wounds, this type of chemistry can be volatile and explosive.

Whether the trauma was physical, sexual, or emotional, the impact can show up in a host of relationship issues. Survivors often believe deep down that no one can really be trusted. That intimacy is dangerous, and that a loving attachment is an impossible dream. Many tell themselves they are broken and not good enough. 

Yet many survivors are desperate for love and protection that they have never received before. While still being fueled by fears of abandonment and mistrust. They will often completely ignore appropriate boundaries in their desires to find happiness. As a result, patterns of intense, unstable relationships occur. This could be the continuation of abuse or where the survivor is at further risk of repeated victimization and disillusionment in adult life.

Both Vegas and Pete are ill equipped to deal with the storm that is their relationship. Pete is spiraling due to their intimacy. Meanwhile Vegas is locked in a cycle of abuse and has no idea how to negotiate any kind of relationship. He as clumsy as a newborn child, one with sociopathic tendencies. Still, they are magnets pulled to each other. Because of this, Pete is constantly trying to reach out to Vegas.

Then Vegas pushed Pete too far. Pete was already losing his shit over Vegas chaining him again, but he still asked Vegas to leave and come with him to the Main family. Vegas lashes out but it's his emotional trauma that broke Pete and caused him to move past his love.

"Don't you ever think that just because we had sex that you could say anything" This, is the moment that Pete cries. It wasn't the physical, remember he comes from a world where physical punishment is a thing. No, it's because he gave himself to Vegas. He handed himself over and Vegas just said it meant nothing.

"Anyhow, your just my pet" and Pete cries harder. Then Pete says "A guy like you will never regret" aka a guy like you will never change. He realizes he was a fool to have stayed. Vegas isn't going to change, and he can't live like this, in this cycle of abuse. "Kill me jerk" "You want to die so much, huh? I'll kill you as you wish." Pete has never not once been scared of death. He has welcomed it with open arms. What is hurting him now is that he gave himself to a man that he loves, and that man is threatening him. Continues to threaten him over and over.

Pete says that he has nothing left "Not even my humanity" that's when it clicks for Vegas, that he has become his father. His mouth parts on an I'm sorry because he knows he is in the wrong. Pete interrupts him before he can talk though. Pete says "Right now, I feel useless, no, I've always been useless. I never exist." He is saying that he saw Vegas, but he never existed to him and now he knows it. He is saying that he thought he was someone, but Vegas has proven that was a lie. "I don't have anything left within me" I loved you, but it's gone. Vegas whispers' Pete's name in devastation now.

"I can't take myself anymore, vegas" I can't take the pain of the past and the pain of the present. "If you don't kill me today, I'll do it myself" Because I would rather die than keep up the cycle.

Vegas fights Pete for the knife but Pete wins. Vegas throws his hands up "Pete, Pete, okay you win" "Pete, I'm sorry" He has heard everything Pete said between his words. That he has destroyed what Pete gave him. He is desperate. "Don't leave me, I'm begging you" Vegas can tell that Pete is done and broken.

"I'm human, Vegas." Pete saying that he wanted Vegas to see him as human, as someone. "I have feelings" Peta wanted Vegas to see and care about his feelings. Vegas now realizing what he has done, scared he is going to watch Pete kill himself. He begs "Can we start over, just you and me" now he is ready to leave because he wants to keep Pete. He had gotten used to Pete wanting to be there. Cause the bolt cutters always been there. "I need you, Pete. Just you and me" I'll leave like you wanted to do before. Pete no longer trusts Vegas' words though.

"Need me? For emotional projection, like a pet with no feelings?" Vegas finally realizing how bad he fucked up, that he has broken his already broken love. He whispers no while taking the knife from Pete. He can't live with him not in this world.

"Then what is this" showing the cuffs. Because the cuffs were security for Vegas but for Pete, they are a reminder of the past. That's when Vegas finally realizes that his boy is just as, if not more damaged than him. Because the bolt cutters have been right there. "Okay Pete" but he is still more worried about himself than Pete because all he can think about is he is about to be abandoned. He had found security in Pete wanting to stay despite his unworthiness. He pushed Pete too far though and he knows it. He begs Pete to promise not to leave him, but Pete can't promise because he is done. One last kiss, one last touch. Vegas "stay with me" Pete sucking in a breath, the pain because as much as he loves Vegas he can't. He touches his face and caresses his lips.

Pete apologizes as he knocks Vegas out. He stares at his hand that hit him. The pain immeasurable. He takes the keys and frees himself. Pete crying the entire time he escapes.

cw: mentions of past emotional abusive relationship

reader info: they/them, no gendered terms used

notes: it's fine this isn't annoying! i've literally had like a 3 week consistent brainrot over this guy, it has to go somewhere, and i love doing alphabet headcanons fr ;u; also not me accidentally posting this before sjdjfjd. using this alphabet for these headcanons! also i'm sorry if this feels out of character at points or if i contradict or repeat myself, i'm still trying to get used to build my funny little perception of how i want to write his character <3

SPACE BOYFRIEND / HALKENNA FAIRWAY SFW ALPHABET HEADCANONS

A / activities: playing games, honestly like anything if the two of you are cuddling as well tbf. he usually invites you to go on space adventures with him. he can't cook but he also likes to help you if you're cooking sjdjdjd. naps together >>>>

B / beauty: everything about you, yes shh cliche i know but he probably just has little moments where you'll be cuddling and he'll just like really softly like "pspsps i love you, i love your voice, i love your eyes, i love how you are, everything about you" moments

C / comfort: he stays with you for as long as you need to calm down and feel better, reassuring you either just verbally or with holding you in his arms too if that's something you're comfortable with when you're panicked/upset. he gets members of crew to get you anything you need especially if it's just a bad day in general and you want to stay in bed/just your shared room so kenna will be spending pretty much the majority of the day with you for as long as you let him sjdjdjf

D / dreams: he doesn't exactly want to have a planned out dream for your future together, like some people may do; you being with him and both of you being happy and safe is usually about as far as he goes. after things with sweetheart, halkenna is a bit tentative to get too excited about potentially getting married to you and starting a family if that's something you would both want. it's too far into the future and he doesn't want to be let down by his own dreams, even if he has no current reason to believe you'd want to leave him at all (sorry i'm like actually an angst writer- xD)

E / equal: he's rather passive, he has lots of ideas and stuff of things to do together etc, but he's the type of person to like always specify etc that you have a say and if you don't want to do his idea then that's perfectly fine and you can give alternative ideas too etc etc

F / fight: kenna has a high temper and is actually pretty easy to infuriate imo, though he's learned and gotten used to being able to keep a level head and deal with things without getting mad. that being said, it would probably take a lot for him to actually have a proper argument with you, but even if he did he'd probably forgive you easily over what he had initially gotten mad about. however he doesn't like to fight with you so it's actually rare that he would start one

G / gratitude: he's very aware of everything you do for him and he also makes you very aware of how aware he is- xD, like lots of little thank you kisses and he does similar things to help you, "awww thank you ilysm ;u;" etc

H / honesty: he generally shares everything with you, he has nothing to hide really. the worst thing he's probably done is fight 4 children and even then he lost- xD. his biggest secret from you was probably something birthday present related and even then he would struggle to not tell you about it before your birthday came around, he gets too excited about the fact that he's gotten you something that he thinks you're definitely gonna like sjdhsjds

I / inspiration: he likes to think that you've made him act generally more gentle, and he's less irritable after meeting you. he also tries to help you keep open to new things and gives you the little encouraging pushes you need to do something New and Scary(tm), unless it's apparent it's something you're still not ready for

J / jealousy: i can see him getting jealous over you, although he's fairly reasonable with it, usually only getting jealous when someone else is like actively flirting with you, and at times where he's been busy recently and you'd rather go to hang out with someone else than him he'd probably be miffed but it never becomes some long term "i don't want you seeing your friends" kind of thing

K / kiss: i can only see your first kiss being something incredibly cliche or something just so wholesomely mundane, like the "has a first kiss after some dangerous event because 'i thought i would never see you again'" cliche or like "we kissed and cuddled at the end of a romcom ;u;'

L / love confession: very subtly through music he writes and shows to you and stuff but it's like accidentally too subtle that you just don't pick up on the fact the music is meant to mean something extra, until eventually he like actually feels comfortable with just fully telling you himself

M / marriage: contrary to what i said in dreams, halkenna does actually want to get married, he's just nervous over it since his last relationship wasn't the greatest at all and he's still coming to terms with the fact that not everyone is going to treat him like sweetheart did. assuming you two have been together for a good few years at this point, his proposal would probably be some big thing just between you two- so not like a public proposal or anything, but he's got a whole day made for it just for the two of you, building up to his proposal. he wants it to be a romantic day not just a little part of the day spent proposing <33 tbf marriage doesn't really change your relationship at all, he doesn't treat you any better because he was already treating you the best he could anyway, etc. but like, you're married !!!

N / nicknames: space related cute little nicknames ;u; i've said this before on a previous post, but, "starlight" and "moonbeam" as names you two call each other >>>>>>. although alternatively to this he probably calls stuff like dear and darling? he also just really likes it when you say his name as well tbf (as in, halkenna not spaceboy-) especially since no one else really calls him that so it'd be Special(tm) and Different(tm) xD

O / on cloud nine: it is so obvious to others that he's in love (as mentioned below, this is what i get for writing these in a random order), like he talks about you all the time to people, getting lovesick and just staying in bed when he misses you etc. also he just generally becomes more notably cheerful when he's with someone he loves

P / pda: absolutely, given you are okay with it. literally like everyone who knows him knows that he's dating you and he doesn't even have to upright tell them (although, he probably has), it's just that obvious from how he acts around you, so he absolutely does not mind being affectionate with you in public.

Q / quirk: the temptation for me to just say "space guns." here was strong even though it just makes no sense,, okay but i do think his funny little random beneficial ability would be the fact he like owns a space ship, you can literally just go anywhere, also i'd assume he's like well respected or at least feared by people who just... know he exists so like you're never really gonna have anyone who messes with you even when you're apart from kenna

R / romance: expect romantic cliches, he thinks they're often wholesome and cute and he likes them. likeee, stargazing together, probably picnics, watching films and playing games etc. although he does have the capability to be creative with it, he has like practically the whole universe at his disposal to do things with/for you. you could be like "oh i like this flower this is a cool flower" and he'd take you to some planet that's like practically covered with them and you'd just vibe there but like romantically- can you tell i've never been on a date and i have barely any idea how they work TT^TT

S / support: the second you asked him for any help he would be there to help as much as he can, like even if he has no knowledge whatsoever on the topic he'll still come help you figure it out. he's also generally just verbally supportive too, like if there's absolutely nothing he can do he'll just stick to words of encouragement etc. he believes in you wholeheartedly with anything you put your mind to <3

T / thrill: he's a mix imo, he doesn't require a routine at all and he loves trying new things and just doing things spontaneously, but also at the same time there's something cozy about having some days where you're just doing mundane routine little domestic things like watching movies and cooking together etc.

U / understanding: very empathetic!! he's always there for you if you need reassurance or a shoulder to cry on, he's really lovely about that kind of stuff and generally your emotions rub off on him really easily ("don't cry because then i'll cry" type of person). he also knows you really well! he listens as best as he can whenever you're talking about things even if in the grand scheme of things it's unimportant, like your favorite food or something, which he can literally do nothing with because he can't really cook but he still just knows it anyway

V / value: your relationship is very important to him. things like, whenever he's considering making plans, your thoughts and feelings about it are always a major factor, he takes a lot less risks in his job (is being a space pirate his job?? i mean i guess it is) because it's not just his safety on the line anymore there's also your happiness since he assumes you'd be upset if he got hurt, he talks about you all the time etc etc.. so yeah i suppose in comparison to everything else in his life it's like top of the list. second at most but only to family, alternatively it shares the top spot alongside family

W / wild card: he's way too good at crane games. like common knowledge that they're rigged to make them astranomically harder but he somehow just??? still wins you prizes all the time on them????? i feel like he's probably gotten kicked out of an arcade before because he'd got like 7 prizes from the 3 crane games there or something and the staff thought he'd messed with the machines. he also really likes arcades because i said so

X / xoxo: very very affectionate!! the longer you two have been dating for, the more comfortable and therefore more affectionate he is, lots of cuddles and kisses and hand holding etc. he knows he can be clingy so he tries to not be too overbearing when you've only been dating for a little while but uh yeah you're not getting out of it further into the relationship sjdshdjshd

Y / yearning: depending on the length of time you're away, he is either fine at handling missing you or he is extremely dramatic about it. like if you're on like a trip somewhere for the week he'll be out here acting like you've passed away like one time someone actually genuinely got really worried bc he was like shut in his room and when he actually had to come out to do something someone was like "i'm sorry for your loss, i heard (name) is gone, please take as much time as you need" and he was just like "excuse me whAT" but it was just because they'd taken him shutting himself in his room as him being in mourning 💀 he kind of made an effort to tone his yearning down after that tbf

Z / zeal: he would literally defend you with his life if he had to, he'd put his career/reputation on the line if it meant protecting you, he'd give up almost anything. he's very devoted to his relationship with you.

Venting, nothing too bad just talk of ableism and manipulation trauma

I can't wait to tell my ex that I became the narcissist she was oh so terrified of because she was the onset of my invalidation trauma! /lh

Are you satisfied (marina. haha get it) that you contributed to pretty much manifesting a whole disorder in me because you had no faith in me?

The funny thing (/lh) though is now that I have NPD I am not defenseless to her manipulative abuse anymore. I have walls up to protect myself and she can't hurt the present me. I'd defend my past self who couldn't and protect him.

If I were to see her again she would think that the secret lil narc in my star pocket came out after years of hiding. /lh Nope asshole! I would kill not to give you that power but you literally falsely accused me of all of these disgusting things that I ended up developing as symptoms because you broke me.

The difference between us is I'm the only one actively changing...but at the same time if she ever tried me again, the satisfaction I would get being a dick would be so justified. I am doing my best in every other area not to be a dick but if given the opportunity...

I'LL MAKE SURE YOU ARE HURTINGGGG MOTHERFUCKER

Wonderful therapy session, horrible everything surrounding it.

This is just a lot of system/memory bits we figured out with the therapist and some fucked up dreams last night.

I forgot: during last week's session, part of what O. had tried to tell the therapist was that S was wrong about him. That he doesn't "spin us out" on purpose, that he's not the one responsible for driving the rest of the system to breakdowns -- not exactly, anyway. Just that he will do anything to keep that door he's in charge of shut. So it's not him who really tries to throw us off buildings. He's the mechanism that interrupts that and throws a switch. He can push Stephan to front, which means S's after-the-fact experience/recollection is "O. is trying to make me kill myself."

But it's more like... something triggers a lot of self-destructive parts > O does his best to manage the chaos/meltdown/attempt > S's basically "activated" because he catches zero emotional residue normally > S can only remember O being around and everything being catastrophically disregulated, does his best to get things back to normal.

S was also trying to describe what he remembered from yesterday's episode. He has fragments - more than usual - of memory about the actual, us leaving the house, us deciding where to go, and some of the emotional memory. Our therapist basically said that that sounded like being a very overwhelmed, very scared child; not just a "therapy-work inner child," but, you know. Alter. Someone both trying to get very far away from everything she knew--I once woke up on the outskirts of our hometown, at the "welcome to..." city limits sign, and that alone would have been hours of trekking--and really, really fucking angry.

Part of why O basically swept her out of the house as fast as possible yesterday was because he does look for fights. He did want to run into someone and beat the living shit out of them, and he doesn't want to explode on anyone we know and care about. Because he will/has before and barely has any like, conscious awareness of the present day or who's actually around when he's dealing with wrangling these other, overwhelmed child parts.

But the other part was also hoping she would find someone who'd abduct her off the street and be nicer to her than everyone else. Hence... that memory from a few months ago, about walking into a stranger's home and being abused. I am trying not to over-intellectualize everything (attachment disorders! disinhibitive social whatever!) and it is very hard not to. Because I feel like that specific incident is so much my fault. We were so fucked up and already trying to run away, and she did one time just... go with someone who found her when we were disregulated like that, and somehow we all failed to intervene. It was really, really bad.

And I know it's not my fault, just as much as I know it's not her fault. Whatever mechanisms and structure we have were built to deal with a lot of complicated, fucked up, extreme circumstances. I think I can at least sympathize with her desire to find someone to intervene, even if it would be "bad" too. Better to be one of those kids missing on a milk carton than to go home again, seemed to be the thinking? At least people cared about the kids on milk cartons, kind of thing.

And I am trying very hard to come to terms with, the, oh fuck, everything I've said was true, all of this has always been true, the entire overwhelming story is true, the subsystem divisions are real, if she was that desperate to get away then that means, there are so many memories coming up, etc.

But mostly I can't stop dwelling on a nightmare we had last night, about us running away to a motel room somewhere. One I recognized from vivid dreams in the past that I'm still wrestling with recognizing at all. I don't remember why we were there, just that it was that place or being homeless again, and we half-trusted the owner. The cats were there, though, and I had made them a bed in the bathroom for the night.

But the place caught on fire from downstairs. And it was only after a bunch of detours and forgetting to care, forgetting about the fire, forgetting that I am extremely attached to these cats, that I finally went back and tried to rescue them. And nearly died doing it, because the building was almost collapsing by that point and I couldn't actually find the cats in all the smoke at first, just a fucked up old stuffed rabbit. It didn't feel like a victory at the end, just depressing and shameful because I would have let them burn.

S says all the time that he genuinely hates systemhood, having DID, and would devour god if it meant not living like this. But I think, now that I'm really sorting pieces here... I think S also carries a lot of awareness of the times we've been hurt because of the amnesia and has a lot of bitterness about the system because of it. Like I think that has been his job for a long, long time. And that has to be a really confusing fucking place to be sometimes.

And yes okay the symbolism in that dream is really obvious re-reading that, dear god, lmao.

Hey! I'm alive.

Hey there! It's been... a little over a year? Jeez.

I really wanted to make this post to reassure everyone that I am okay. There have been a few people coming to me in my inbox with concern, which I appreciate very much. I do feel bad for not answering any if them when they came, but it is what it is.

I did mention taking a mental health break since I was on the verge of a burnout. Not only was I running a small home business, I was also working outside of home and a student. I still work two jobs, but I've since graduated. Truthfully, I did get into other fandoms as well, so I wrote a bit here and there for other media. I do like variety; it's essential for me to have fun with writing as a hobby. Though that doesn't mean that I've fallen out of love with the RE fandom. Not at all! Lucas still ranks in my top 10 simping targets haha.

A thing happened, however, and it made my mental health spiral into an abyss.

I quit the job that I loved so much because of a dirtbag manager. The owner decided to switch up the managers of my department, and things were fine until he started sexually harassing myself and my two other female coworkers/friends, as well as using intimidation tactics on us to get his way.

He would grope us and tell us that if we didn't want to get groped, we just had to watch how we bent over. He would say gross sexual things to us, and he would push his kinks on us. We had also found out that he had sent unsolicited dick pics in the past to a female employee, and these types of complaints against him were common in the last as well.

We ended up confronting hin in front of a supervisor, and while we thought that they had suspended him, they didn't. He was on mental health break because we had made him depressed. So, we ended up being painted as the bad guys. Nobody would concretely tell us that he was coming back until the very last minute, and the owner had said behind our backs that we needed to get over it, that we were exaggerating and that we had no say in the matter. We complained to everyone possible, and all superiors were well aware of this dirtbag's behavior — past and present — and still protected him.

Quitting a job I loved hurt, and everything that went down with him triggered some past experiences that I had with an abusive ex-boyfriend, so it just added salt to the wound.

I don't like going to that store anymore. I don't want to support a place that seems to think that it's okay for sexual harassment to fly. But I need to go sometimes for emergency specialty supplies that I can't wait for shipping or can't make it to a further store. When I need to go and he's there, I have to fight panic attacks and can't go without someone accompanying me. The dirtbag won't look me in the eye when He sees me and walks away.

I've slowly been getting better. Fighting depression and insomnia has been difficult, but I've been slowly finding the fun in my hobbies that I lost when I deteriorated. Video games, writing, reading, etc.

In fact, I've been having fun making OC bios and writing backstories and personalities. I find that it's a good exercise to get the creative juices flowing while helping me get back into writing without being too overwhelmed.

So, that's the gyst. I'm okay. I'm better. I can't promise that I'll pop up an RE headcanon soon, but I hope to!

Thanks for the concern and reading through this! Much love. ♡

~ Britt

Half of my story

BEFORE YOU READ THIS POST, JUST KNOW THAT IT IS VERY TRIGGERING AND MAYBE GRAPHIC AND IT CONTAINS PARTS OF MY LIFE STORY LIKE I SAID LOTS OF TRIGGERING THINGS INCLUDES R@PE, PREGNANCY, CHILD LOSE, ABUSE AND MORE.

I'm sorry.... I'm so very sorry.

I feel fucking pathetic, like a burden, like a "waste", an empty vessel at times and I feel so very lost not just in my mind but in the world I live in. I really am selfish always thinking about myself and what I want and need...it just took me a few years ago to realize people have fucking issues just like I do...pain, struggles,  trauma and so much more...but it never actually clicked in my head until now...and I'm sorry. With all my soul I am. All my life I've felt like no one was there for me. Like no one ever heard me when I spoke, no one ever truly understood me or what I was ACTUALLY trying to say, not just because the words that were coming out didn't exactly match what I was feeling inside but also just because I truly felt like no one ever understood me no matter how much I talked, no matter how much I told my story. My family is nice but extremely judgmental and I'm mainly talking about my immediate family because I don't talk to anybody else but anyway there is just, so much drama, trauma and pain... so much pain.

I've told some people things, mainly just venting about my present life but not about my childhood and growing up and a lot of you don't know and I talk about how much pain I'm in in all the bad thoughts but nobody knows what's going on and I would like to explain that a little bit I really don't even know where to start.. I guess I'm just going to start off with I truly feel like my childhood sucks, when I think about it there's so much I can write but at the same time I'm sitting here like do I really want to put that in this post, and the answer is no so I won't but I will say that in my teens my middle to late teens I found out, well we found out that my mom has bipolar disorder, with manic depression and let's just say growing up with that was like hell if I'm being honest. And living with Nana when I was younger and a little bit in my teens it was nice and I love her so much but her way of thinking and just the things she says she didn't realize that she was truly hurting me, she used to tell me not to eat so much because I was getting chubby or she would always mention when I had gained or lost any weight, I developed and eating disorder and I thought it was in the past but I guess not. I remember when I was in my late teens I was getting dressed in front of Nana and she told me that I should wear a bra because my boobs were too saggy for my age and that my boob should be perkier and that's been in my head ever since she said it and I have been so so self-conscious about my weight and my body. Back to my mom, well there was lots of yelling, lots of hitting, lots of accusations of things that a parent shouldn't accuse their offspring of, like when I first got my period on 5th grade I was 11/12 and I hid it cause I was scared and when she found out (saw my underwear) she accused me of losing my virginity and completely went off, whipped me with a studded belt (the cute 2000s emo ones, it was MY belt) and ruined a very personal binder I had full of all my favorite things or like having sex at a concert when I was 15 because the fishnet she let me borrow wear ripped, I was fucking crowd surfing and in mosh-pits and when I tried to tell her I had got hurt (elbowed in the face by some grown man and had my chest stepped on cause that same guy made me fall in the mosh-pit,) she thought I was lying to cover up that I had sex!!! She pawned my stuff with the promise of me getting it back and that usually never happened, there were lots of false promises and lots of broken hope. Let's not forget the manipulation in the fact that she was a narcissist, I truly hate it because it feels like the only way I know how to communicate is through yelling or arguing and I can never stay calm, it's like I'm my mom and I truly do hate it I really fucking hate it. I do not want to be her, I do not want to be like her at ALL. Unfortunately I have picked up a lot of things from her during my childhood and her being really my main guardian besides Nana but I was usually with my mom and we moved around a lot and there was lots of yelling and I've seen her get beat by men, we've been evicted so many times, having lights and other things get cut off, having the car break down side of the road multiple times throughout my life, being evicted, living in cars and hotels, her being a "functional coke head" she doesn't do much but she does it and I know about it and she still does, her always yelling at me for something literally anything the smallest thing and I see myself doing the things that she did to me in relationships or with friendships or really anybody who gets close to me and I guess that's why I subconsciously I push so many people away and I'm sorry because I guess maybe somewhere deep down I feel like I'm truly not good enough, not good enough for anybody not even myself because I don't know if you know what the fucking crazy part is it's that I don't know why I feel this way but I know that I do and it hurts so much.

I had a best friend when I was 10 and he was 13 we met at the pool, some people may see an issue with that already (our ages) and whenever I start to tell this story a lot of people seem to I never understood why until multiple people explained it to me(sorry, tons of people have told me I'm slow, ditzy, and very naive and or gullible), and I guess my family was happy because I didn't have any friends and he was really nice and his family was nice they were great actually, well this kid with my best fucking friend, everyday we would hang out outside together and he would sometimes wait for me to get off the bus and we hang out we'd hanging out the parking lot lots of stuff you know kids stuff, but there was a lot of none kids stuff as well, he did a lot of things to me and I never told anyone. When we were older, when I was 18/19 he r@ped me, in my Nana's house on the couch.. And you want to know the fucked up part about that, a few years later I still wanted to be his friend because even after everything he put me through he was the only person I really knew like that the only person who had did my life consistently for years and I didn't want to lose that, I really hate myself because who wants to be friends with somebody after something like that like what the fuck is wrong with me and why do I ruin every single relationship and friendship I have or have ever had?

When I was 19 I got into a relationship with a guy by him blackmailing me, it was a really horrible situation but we started dating and I met his family they were really nice and stuff, off that I'm going to tell you my first red flag was when they told me that they were shocked that was there because they never thought he did a black girl, anyway I'll continue with the story, so it was a very very toxic relationship, one of my most toxic relationships I've ever been in also one of my first more serious relationships as well. I'm going to just skip a lot of it and get to the main part I want to talk about we broke up around Mardi gras time back in 2017, like a little bit before that and he asked me to come over for Valentine's Day and my dumbass said yes and they got all dressed up and pretty and shit happened and two weeks later while I was visiting my family in New Orleans my period didn't show up and so I just didn't think anything of it because I have PCOS that's not the first time I period's been late, but it was still late by the time I got back home and I had started throwing up so his sister got me a test and it was positive, I'm going to fast forward a lot of toxic crap and say that I had a miscarriage and and I remember everything so vividly and I remember everything that happened that day, it was April 17th 2017 and that day will forever be in my heart. I was around 11½ weeks going on 12 and I remember being excited because I was hitting that 12 week mark‼️ well anyway ❤️‍🩹 during the hospital visit I had to get a D&c, and while I was in the room after everything that happened, he, my ex was complaining that he wanted to go home, because he was bored and he wanted to play his PlayStation now let me remind you that I had just suffered a miscarriage from my very first pregnancy after years of me thinking that I could not get pregnant, I just had a D&c and everything from my waist down was completely numb because of the procedure, so obviously that really fucking hurt my feelings and I also remember him telling me that I probably wanted this to happen and that I didn't want my baby and that I lost them on purpose and for years he was trying to find me on social media different platforms trying to add me and telling me that he wanted us to at least be friends if we couldn't work anything out but he always protested that I never wanted my baby and that I lost them on purpose. This was before the miscarriage and even me finding out I was pregnant this was actually one of the reasons we broke up before but I remember him telling me " okay yeah just go back over there so you can get r@ped again" after I told him I was going to go visit my Nana's house for about a few days to a week And that's in my head as well.

I filled with so much pain and so much heartache for years I've had people who I saw were friends that tell me that I complain a lot and that I'm always thinking about the negative and that I can never see the happy things in life. Well I'm sorry I really care my head and heart is always so much pain before so much sadness and anger, I get angry so fast birthday heating because I've NEVER mean ANYTHING. It's truly just anger and venom just spewing out of my mouth coming out faster than I can think and arrange words and sentences in my mind. When I think about it when I truly stop and I'm calm and I think about everything it's exactly what my mom used to do, it's how she used to yell at me why was younger and it makes me feel like shit because I don't want to be that person I don't want to be like that.... I don't I really don't..I don't want to.

The problem is, I have such crippling anxiety, and social anxiety that being on the internet, my phone, makes me feel so safe and it's like I can talk better sometimes anyway, but it's definitely easier expressing myself there's a lot I left out but I wrote down the things that I thought were truly truly important.

And now I'm wrapping up and going towards the end and I would like to talk about my mental health. I know I need therapy but in order to get therapy I need money. In order to make money I need to work. In order for me to work that means I have to be social which is something I've never ever really been good at and if anybody who has made it this far can help me I'll find a way to make it up to you somehow, even if it's just talking to me everyday and getting me used to talking to somebody I'm not sure I don't know. I don't really have friends and I don't want to offend anybody who may consider me a friend by saying I don't have any friends at all. I'm not sure if I do but if you consider me your friend then thank you so much. Working is difficult for me, just like being in school was extremely difficult for me. These things bring me the greatest amount of anxiety in my current adult life and I'm not sure how to fix for work around it, I'm 25 years old and I've had approximately three to four professional jobs you know the ones that pay you direct deposit. I'm not really sure how to manage like life I guess I know how to do some stuff but I'm lost on pretty much a lot of things. A lot of things seem really difficult and challenging and extremely overwhelming for me I feel like I'm this child trapped in an adult's body sometimes like I don't know what's going on and I'm trapped in the sense of my emotions and vulnerability I guess for lack of a better words. The last job I had I kept having anxiety attacks and everything was so overwhelming for me and everybody was so rude and I really couldn't take it I truly want to work on my art for a living if I could do that it would be amazing I would love to work on my art, making stickers out of my own art and prints and canvases with my paintings and different things I also want to continue my bath bombs and bookmarks and digital art! The only issue is I'm not sure where to start.

I also do enjoy sex work and having an only fans but the problem is that no one will subscribes or it's hard to control my temper especially on days when I don't feel like talking to anybody I guess you could call them manic days I'm not really sure to be honest like their chooses days when I just don't feel like doing anything at all not talking to anyone or I'll wake up with just an attitude for absolutely no reason like I don't know why I'm just upset/ mean that day, and there are days when I'm great I'm happy and I'm cheerful. I'm not sure what to do with my life, and the fact that my body is in pain and I have sight restrictions with what I physically can do sometimes on and off doesn't really help especially if I am trying to find actual work if SW doesn't work like I need it to because just because I enjoy it doesn't mean that it will help me with anything that I need financially...

Physically speaking my back is easy with causing me a lot of pain, I also have a reoccurring cyst it's called a pilonidal cyst and I've had it since the end of 2017/start of 2018, and I actually have one coming back now, which sucks because I'm currently on my period for the second time this month and I am also sick.

If anyone has any tips or anything I can do please let me know what it is. Whether it's emotional help, financial help, physical help. I do not mind drawing something for you, like a commission just let me know!!

Thank you if you have read this far, thank you for reading parts of my life story.

I wish I had one big problem. Something neat and tidy, that I could wrap up in a bow, and present to my therapists as The Reason. Here's why I struggle. Isn't it lovely, how cohesive it is? Doesn't it all make sense? The flow chart of my trauma goes from A to B! Not A, to Q, to R, to T, to B, to 27. Maybe then, I'd find someone who understands.

Or maybe not. It's not like society is kind to people who have One Big Trauma either. It's never as simple as that, and I know it, but still...

I feel like that's how society would prefer to see trauma. Just One Bad Thing. Even if it is a million bad things, as long as there's a theme, as long as it makes SENSE, then others understand it, to whatever degree they're capable of doing so. They're happy.

Hah. No they aren't. Nobody is. Even for those with traumas "easy to understand," they get the shit kicked out of them. There's no easy way to have trauma, no easy way to experience it- and I hope that isn't what's taken from what I'm writing. I'm talking about outside perception, and specifically from my own experiences and point of view.

See, when I've tried to explain my life to professionals, they cock their heads. I tell them my parents were abusive- okay, they get that. I tell them I was bullied- okay, they get that. I tell them I didn't have a single grown up or authority figure who cared about me as a kid, and their brows start to furrow. Not teachers? Not a doctor? Nope. Surely there was someone? No. That's why I'm here.

I tell them I was harassed for dating 'other girls,' I tell them I'm autistic and so are my brothers, I tell them I've questioned my gender from a young age- their heads spin. It's too much. It isn't cohesive.

I once dated a girl who had "too many disorders." She had the "audacity" to talk about them, even make jokes. Everyone hated her for it. It blew my mind. She had a lot going on, and was struggling, but because it was "too much" and "too many," nobody believed her, nobody sympathized. I still can't wrap my head around that, despite being in her shoes, despite hearing it over and over again. If you don't have problems of that caliber, and you hear someone talking about it, why is your first reaction disgust?

It feels like nobody has empathy, or sympathy.

When I was growing up, I held fast and firm to the belief that no matter what, people were good. Everyone had a spark of goodness inside of them. I promised myself over and over again to keep hope, to not grow cynical.

These days, the cynicism claws at my heart. I fight it constantly. I don't want to feel that way. I still want to have hope, to believe in the goodness of humanity, but do you know how fucking hard that is when you can count the kindness you've been extended on one hand?

I wish I had One Big Problem, and not 27 years of constant pushing and yelling and screaming.

I wish it wasn't childish to wish that people were kind, and that life was fair.

Some days, my brain feels like it's on fire. Why can't my therapist understand? I've seen so many therapists over the past decade. SO many. None of them seemed to get it. I once broke down sobbing in frustration in a session, and the therapist just...stared at me, without a word. She was quiet until the end of the session. Didn't talk to me again.

I want this therapist to work. I don't want to go through the song and dance again.

I've been trying. I do the self help, I take hard looks at myself, I see therapists, I take medication- I treat myself like a fucking pet. I make sure I eat well. I make sure I sleep as well as I can. I force myself to take showers, and brush my teeth, do the chores, I take stupid fucking walks, fuck, I even try to do yoga when I can, I meditate, and-

And it helps. I can't sit here and lie, it does all help. If I didn't tire myself out taking care of myself, I'd be worse off, and I know it.

I guess I just wish it would fix me.

I used to be an optimist. Did you know that? During the worst points of my life, I looked on the bright side. I had to, to survive.

Now, I'm here, and life is good, and my optimism feels like a cage. I still speak the words, but they feel grayscale, no longer bursting with color. I can't be outwardly cynical; nobody wants to hear that, and it isn't helpful. I've designed my whole life around being as unassuming and inoffensive as possible, I can't possibly be unpleasant.

FUCK this feels good. This feels so good to write down.

I don't vent to others; I can't. Nobody wants to hear this. But I can type it here, and I can post it, and poof, its out there, my little message in a bottle. Like I said a month ago, when I first started this blog, if no one ever reads this, I wouldn't mind. It just feels so good to get it out in the open, and not trapped in a journal I won't touch for months.

It takes a little weight off my back. It feels good. I can't hurt anyone by venting by just being an anonymous face on a website past its prime (no offense).

Hi, I'm back 😩

Sorry for just like, dropping off the face of the earth there for a hot minute, but my life has been this specific brand of absolute dogshit that has left me hiding under the floor boards - quite literally - since mid october, and I'm only just starting to get my battery back to like, maybe 10% again now.

TMI under the cut, and probably quite a bit of a ramble;;

SO.

Life has been shit. Like, shit shit.

Like, I'm warning you now, this is trauma and abuse shit.

Suffice to say that I'm the kind of person who tends to get taken advantage of and not speak my feelings or stand up for myself. It comes from a place of pretty severe trauma and mental illness, of course, but knowing that and knowing myself doesn't make things any easier in my life really. It just makes me self-aware and subsequently frustrated at my own slow progress.

For example, at present: I've been locked inside my room since the above mentioned, mid october. I have to ration food and water, I can't be too loud for fear of being caught, I sneak out for one bathroom break a day, if I'm lucky, and I have had to work with sanitary wipes instead of showers since this bullshit began - which is fine for the body, but fucking useless for the hair 🤷‍♂️ this wouldn't be such an issue if I didn't have eczema, but I do and so I am suffering, I guess.

Why, do you ask? What has caused this situation? Stupidity has caused this, my friend. Stupid people including my stupid self.

For a bit of backstory context: Several years back, I was chased out of my house by an abusive family member. It was 30 below and I had nowhere to go but, I remembered someone offered to help me, if I ever needed it - so I ended up on his doorstep! He happily took me in as he was like a father to me. There was no expectations for me, it was clear I was abused and traumatised (I was horribly malnourished and anemic at the time) and I was a naturally reclusive and quiet person anyways. So they gave me an old dusty room and left me be.

They being him and his father. For simplicity's sake, we will call them Dad and Gramps. I'll start by saying that I love and adore my Dad. Also, I don't hate Gramps, despite all he's done to me. Even if sometimes I think I should.

Gramps is an old cowboy. Crass and backwards and poorly educated. He's spent his whole life working and drinking and smoking and driving really really fast. He thinks insulting people is how you make friends and his favourite past time as a young man was starting fights. He's had several failed marraiges and has several dozen people (related or not) that call him dad. He's done more than anyone that I've ever met but that also means he thinks he knows more than anyone and no one can tell him what's wrong or right.

He's got a lot of good and bad qualities. Is what I'm saying.

Among those bad qualities, unfortunately, is sexual harassment. Which, I suppose should have been a very clear and blarring warning sign right from the beginning but, as a survivor of child abuse and SA, my boundries have always been miles behind from where they should be. Additionally, I had nowhere else to go 🤷‍♂️ it took several months and me getting visibly angry with him and telling him about my previous abuse before he finally stopped slapping my ass but, his language towards me never really fully went away;;;

Despite this, I stayed. I was unemployed and terribly ill and struggling to get through my previous traumas and depression, so I stayed and helped around the house however I was able to make up for me occupying space. The room I was staying in was musty and filled with mice and their filth, so I had to clean the space. The big old bed was filled with droppings (inside the boxspring especially) but Gramps refused to let me get it replaced unless someone would pay for it. So I layered it up with a dozen blankets and it's still the bed I sleep on to this day. In my brain, it wasn't much different from the bed that I had as a child, so I just put up with it 🤷‍♂️

As the years went on, my health continued to decline. The doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong, they tossed around words like 'heart failure' but wouldn't confirm a diagnosis. My muscle wasted and I was never able to catch my breath, I started having fainting spells. At my worst, I would spend days in bed.

Despite all this, I somehow became Gramps's unofficial caretaker. Unbeknownst to me, his whole family couldn't stand to put up with him because he would complain for sympathy and demand to be waited on hand and foot. I can't deny that I'm gullible, so when he started his sob stories, I went out of my way to help. If you can't tell by now, my fawn response is pretty strong - I've been told more than once to consider myself before other people but, it just never occures to me in the moment, I guess.

And so, I took care of him. No matter how aggrivating he was, no matter how often he belittled me or insulted me, no matter how stubborn he was or how little he listened to me; no matter how disgusted I was at the kind of things he suggested to me. It was nothing I hadn't dealt with before so I just 🤷‍♂️ put up with it - like an absolute fucking idiot.

This went on for several years.

It affected everything I did. My health never got better because I was too busy taking care of him (and others) to set time aside for myself. My friendships were impacted and even started to decay in several instances because of my declining mental state. It felt like, no matter how hard I tried to mend things with people, to keep up face and hold things together, it all just kept slipping through my fingers - until I had nothing to hold onto at all.

In the beginning of 2023, Gramps got diagnosed with cancer.

Now, an additional note that I should add here is that his family throughout all of this was entirely absent. In those several years I was caring for him, I was calling 911 nearly once a month for his heart or his breathing or because he stumbled and fell. I was helping him get dressed and cleaning his (and his friend's who is also an asshole old man) shit and piss off of the hallway and bathroom floors. I was cooking his meals and giving him baths and sitting on his bedside in the middle of the night when he had a breathing attack or got too lonely. I was buying his groceries and carting them up two flights of stairs, I was fixing his tv and enduring his fits of anger and yelling and pandering to every nonsense request he had on top of that. On top of all of my own problems, I was entirely alone in taking care of him.

When he got cancer, I was still entirely alone in taking care of him.

When he started getting angrier, more stubborn, more vocally abusive. When his diabetes spiked and his eyes started going blind and he was swearing and yelling at me because he didn't want to go to his appointments or use a walker or a wheelchair despite not being able to see 5 feet in front of him. When he refused to eat, when he refused to let me sleep.

When he started with the verbal threats of violence.

When he started touching me again.

And I had nowhere else to go.

I tried to ask for help. I genuinely did. Which is honestly a huge blarring warning sign for me because, if I'm asking for help, I'm probably close to a mental break - and I was - but, despite me saying, mulitple times to multiple people "I need help. I can't do this. I'm out of my depth. Can someone help me." No one ever did.

It all came to a head shortly after my friend group fell to pieces. I just wanted everything to turn off after that. Gramps and I got into an argument, a real proper one where I finally got angry back, and he took a swing at me and I decided that was enough. I was done. I went into my room and locked the door and curled up in bed and did my best to ignore his threats and his yelling. I cried until I fell asleep and thought about killing myself and I continued to think about it for the next two days. The entire time I was in there, he was upstairs, right above my head, promising to call the poliece to kick me out or promising to beat my face or break my neck.

I texted my Dad, I told him how I felt. He called his sister and she took over where I left off.

I still had nowhere to go 🤷‍♂️

So now, here I am, over 3 months into this bullshit. I filed for emergency housing within the following week of that madness and I've been hiding in this room and waiting ever since. My laptop was packed up in an emergency bag for the first month and a half / two months since I was in perpetual fear at that point of making even a whisper of noise or being caught without my bags packed and ready to go. I've had one dear and solid friend that's stayed with me and helped me through the worst of this all, even despite being an ocean away. Without them, I don't think I would have made it this far tbh.

So!

As you can probably tell, tumblr has been the LAST thing on my mind lately 😂 I've only really started coming back to it in the last month or so and I have just had no energy to put towards my blogs at all.

But, I'm slowly coming back!

I have a few drafts saved, so I'll probably trickle those in eventually. OL has been on my mind as of late, as well as BG3, which is why I'm posting here again at all. So, I hope to do something with this little sprout of inspiration that's managed to grow out of my head.

In the meantime, yeah 🤷‍♂️this is where I've been, under the floor boards, hiding in the dark, and just biding my time until I can escape.

Sorry for the long ramble! But also, not sorry at all, because this is my blog and all that 😂 For me, it's nice to finally put all this down somewhere, at the very least. Hopefully I won't have anything to complain about again for a long while after this. Honestly, I'm just hoping that I get that email soon that says there's finally somewhere safe for me.

I've been very quiet about the allegations for a very long time now & I really want to use this opportunity to clear the air.

Multiple women, who are all connected, have came forward about abuse they've experienced while being connected to me, I am not going to sit here & ask, or expect you to disregard their stories, their experiences or anything of that nature. I believe in spreading awareness, I believe in victims speaking up for themselves. I believe in justice.

I can wholeheartedly, honestly, say that I've never caused harm to anyone that didn't harm me. As a masc-presenting woman, I continuously run into situations where I can be hit, disrespected, and degraded & I am suppose to "take it" because of how I look. Because I'm bigger. Because "I'm a stud" ..

When I notice that a situation is becoming unhealthy, I have always encouraged people to leave me alone before anything escalates.

In response to me leaving, I am always harassed with fake phone numbers, email addresses, contacting my family members, its even gotten as far as these women pulling up to my house, banging on doors/windows, in an attempt to "fix" things.

I do not like chaos. I do not like being at war with someone I love, I will always leave. I will let you go.

Multiple times, me leaving, has resulted in women telling me that "I never cared about them" "I give up on things too fast" & due to the leftover love that has nowhere to go, it turns into spite. into hatred. into petty behavior.

Into what you're seeing on the internet.

I attract very possessive women, women who don't like the attention I receive, women who think they're entitled to my time/energy & the situation always ends up codependent.

Living together, never leaving each others side. In a matter of days/weeks/months.

It's been a cycle I've worked hard at breaking.

But when I don't feel like the connection isnt safe, and I ask to end things, I literally wake up to police reports & warrants in my name.

As a lot of you may know, you can go downtown & say someone did ANYTHING to you, and they'll type your report then issue a warrant for whoever you're accusing. It's that simple.

I've been very irresponsible about coming to court because I travel on business a lot & I didn't think missing money was as important as going to court to handle these false allegations.

That was a mistake, so, I've began turning myself in.

Thus, the multiple mugshots, all for FTA's(failure to appear)

Recently, I did go to court to handle 2 of the allegations, from 2 different women— including the women I allegedly "beat with a power cord" & "held a gun to"

Both of those cases were dismissed.

Due to pictures of my bruises, multiple threats & clear evidence of harassment.

(Picture below)

These women have gone as far as posting messages that I never sent them, bruises that have came from past situations before me- all because they see that I'm still thriving on this platform. I make my money here. The woman I recently ended things with even went as far as following one of my accusers on every app, and "jokingly" informed me that if I broke her heart, she'd come out with a story on Twitter too.

You do not have to be a rocket science to figure out what's going on here.

I wasn't evil until I told you I didn't want to be with you anymore.

I wasn't abusive until I ignored 300 of your calls on TextNow.

I wasn't "demonic" when you pulled up to my house in tears, asking for me back, when I told you to leave me alone.

I am honestly sick of dealing with women's misplaced emotions & the hurt they are failing to heal from.

It's one thing to "spread awareness"

It's a whole another thing to be actively posting/speaking on someone who "traumatized you so bad" after years have gone by.

Adding insane details to your story because you know that's the only way to gain attention every year.

At what point do you become responsible for your own healing?

I believe in karma. It doesn't miss anyone & eventually, the universe will catch up to the people who have wronged you.

If I have wronged you, allow the universe to catch up to me. You are not responsible, or in control, of the karma I receive or when I receive it.

I do not bother these women, I do not contact these women. Yet, the same people who are claiming "abuse" have been on the internet talking about me since 2021.

I hate to be that person but, heal. spread whatever awareness you want & move on, thrive. Love again.

Because that's exactly what I am doing.

I have always been one to let a connection run its course, and leave when it's unsatisfying on both ends.

The women who "came out" about me, beforehand, they did message me for closure, closure that I was not willing to provide & I believe that is one of my biggest mistakes.

I believe these women felt led on, I believe I moved on too fast & made them feel "disposable"

I believe that a lot of these things being said are stemming from my lack of interest in communication/reconciliation when things were said & done.

I hurt your ego, as well as your feelings.

I have never initiated a fight or physical confrontation. I have never put a gun to anyone's head. I have never beat anyone with a power cord. I have never took/damaged anyone's property. These allegations were all proven to be false. I will always walk away, or ask you to leave.

But have I defended myself & protected my space when I was being harmed and harassed? Absolutely.

I am not beefing with anyone who has came out with a story, i don't have any hatred in my heart toward any of these women/ I am not mad/ I am not upset and, I sincerely wish them the best life and the best love that the universe has to offer them. At a point in time, we laid together. cried together. shared souls & secrets. At a point in time, we were exactly what eachother needed and I appreciate being loved for as long as I was.

This is for my other masc-presenting women who have DM'd me with similar stories. We are still women, regardless of how it may look on the outside, you will not use my appearance as a justification for why you respond/react to me aggressively & then play victim when the energy is reciprocated.

Please, Leave. At the first sign of them raising their voice, putting their hands on you, or making you feel unsafe. No it won't change, No it won't get better. No you shouldn't "deal with it" because you're masculine.

Please, leave.

Touch Averse

Some more plot exploration from the WIP containing Alleyway and Make It Stop. If this piece is included in the final version of this work it will likely come toward the end after both of the above mentioned posts, but they are not required for context here. That said, there is implied and allusions to past noncon.

April relaxed back against Casey's side, stretching her arm across his lap as she did so, and rest her hand on the outside of his thigh.

She glanced up when he took her hand by sliding his own underneath hers and squeezing it lightly.

"Casey?"

"Hm?"

"Are you comfortable like this?"

He frowned and glanced down at her. "Yeah, but I can move if you need more room or somethin'."

April smiled wryly at him. "You're already up against the arm of the couch so good luck with that. I meant with my arm on you." She squeezed his hand.

Casey glanced down at her arm rested across his legs. "I mean, I hadn't really thought about it. I guess so."

April nodded. "I just noticed that when I sit like this with you, you pick my hand up off your leg and I want to make sure I'm not making you uncomfortable or touching you in a way you don't like."

"Oh. I...guess I hadn't really noticed it," he chuckled, non committal.

"It's okay if it does," April assured. "I'm not going to be offended. You're allowed to tell me not to touch you in specific ways or even at all," she added when an uncertain look passed over his face. He pulled his feet from the table and April pulled her arm away to let him sit up more fully. "I don't want to put you through all that again."

"Guess I just...hadn't thought about it before."

April nodded. "That makes sense, that's what your brain used to protect you before."

Casey snorted. "Some protection. Feels more like I let myself be abused."

"The things our brains do, especially when it comes to things like trauma, don't always make sense, sweetie. When put into a new and scary situation, your brain froze and chose to wait out what was happening and maybe even went to fawn to prevent anything else bad happening to you. That's not your fault. Not wanting to think about it or talk about it is another way your brain tries to protect you. Like your body tuning out chronic pain in order to maintain functioning in life."

"That's not really a healthy thing to do," Casey noted.

"No, it's not," April agreed. "But sometimes it is what we have to do. And coping skills are things that can be learned and adapted. And while some are maladaptive, that doesn't make them useless. In moments of danger fawning and freezing have helped and protected you, and humans, especially autistic and traumatized ones are very good at picking out patterns, even if they're not always consciously aware of it. And when those patterns are seen even in the slightest way, the brain will fall back on what it knows works."

"That's why I never thought about the whole being touched thing." Casey sighed and rubbed his face with both hands. "I hate this," he murmured.

"I know, sweetheart, but being aware is what let's us start finding better things to cope and help us feel more comfortable existing in moments like this without relying on those fight or flight type responses."

"I don't even know where to start with that though," Casey complained.

"You're doing it right now," April encouraged. "You're having an incredibly vulnerable conversation with me and you're staying present and not just agreeing with everything I say. Anxiety being present doesn't inherently mean your doing something wrong."

"It helps I don't feel like I gotta worry about you gettin' mad at me."

"I'm really glad you feel safe with me. I feel safe with you too. I think that's a big reason of why we can have these conversations. Because as hard and scary and vulnerable as they are, we feel safe with each other."

"Bein' nervous or afraid isn't always bad though, right?"

"I think it depends on what's behind them and what they set off. But I don't think they're inherently bad, they just might need a little extra conversation."

Casey nodded.

"What are you thinking?"

"Thinking I kinda wanna try starting over. But actually pay attention this time."

"With my hand on your leg?"

Just another nod.

"Okay. We can absolutely do that. It is okay if you decide if you don't like it, though," April reminded as Casey leaned into the back of the couch. Once he was settled she nestled against his side again then rested her arm across his lap, resting her hand again on the outside of his thigh.

"I think I figured it out, but ya can't look at me otherwise I'm gonna get stuck."

"I'm listening," April promised, keep her eyes on the coffee table.

"I don't think I mind ya hand there, but the whole arm feels like...too much. But I pick ya hand up so I can feel like I can move it when I need to move without makin' it a whole thing. The other thing is the whole...'feels good' phrase kinda...makes it feel...gross. The context it's usually in makes my insides squirm."

April pulled her arm back and rested her hand on Casey's knee nearest her. "Is this more comfortable?"

"I think so."

"Okay, thank you for telling me. I'll do my best to not do the other. Is asking if something is comfortable okay or do you want to come up with another way I can check in with you?"

"That one's okay. It sounds less..."

"Sexual?" April offered. She smiled at the grimace she was sure Casey was sporting. "It's okay. Honey, I am not going to mock you for being uncomfortable with those topics or themes."

"I feel stupid for it," he answered quietly.

April took a breath and decided to take a calculated risk. "You are more than welcome to tell me no, but I can I blunt about something for a second?"

"Is this one of those 'you know I love you, right?' kind of a things?"

April thougt for a moment. "Kind of. It is something that might be hard or a little uncomfortable to hear, but it's not exactly 'tough love' like the other is usually used for." She waited patiently for Casey to decide.

"Yeah, alright, lets hear it," he decided.

"Being sex averse in anyway will never make you less of a man. Especially not to me. I know society and stereotypes would tell you otherwise, but they don't care about you and they're wrong. They're so wrong. The expectations put on you aren't fair, the things that society would lead to believe you need to place your self-worth in a wrong. You are invaluable to me as you are. And being sex and touch averse can never take anything away from you."

"Thanks, April," Casey answers quietly.

"No matter what kind of relationship we have, even if we just stay here, I'm always going to care about you. That isn't something you're ever going to have to earn with me."

well huh! just finished up with my shrink and we were talking about the dissociative voice i get when having a meltdown, that i've been starting to wonder and conceptualize as a fragmented part of my identity. because when i'm in that state that triggers that voice, it doesn't feel like me, it's not my conscious internal narration. it's a part of me, not an invading force like an internal stimuli "hearing voices" type thing, but i don't have control over it. and when it's awake my internal dialogue is as if i'm conversing with it. well, getting screamed at more like. i've become more able over the past year or so to be aware that it is separate from my own internal dialogue and can talk to it, even though that results in making it more angry and verbally abusive.

my shrink and i have talked before about how, being so high masking, i have very strong internal control. we both enjoy psychoanalytic theory, so to put it that way i have a very strong super ego. the internal voice that moderates my behavior, feelings, and impulses is overpowering, because that's how i was able to survive.

and as i was telling them about this today they said how much they really appreciate that part of me for how it has kept me alive. and that we want to thank it. they said they think that in those moments when it's active, it ought to be acknowledged and thanked for all the work it's done to keep me safe and alive. but also in a "thank you, you can go now!" kinda way. like, we don't need this voice to be so oppressive anymore. but it can't be buried.

and it clicked for me. in a way i realllllly hope i have the presence of mind to remember next time i meltdown. and it was totally a "damn the session's over and we were JUST getting started" moment. but my brain immediately framed the way to try handling this voice as a constructive version of appeasing my dad. talk to it sweetly, tell it how great it is, speak like i'm telling it what it wants to hear - all while moving it along to calming down and leaving me alone.

and writing about it here and crystalizing the thoughts - i know a fair bit about how the internal experience of npd works. on the purely internal experience, i am aware of my traits. my screwed up little sense of self - that super ego voice - is a very messy amalgamation of bpd and npd style. the self is all bad. the self is all good. i'm too disorganizedly attached to have ever settled on just one, even for a moment. but i've always behaved through the self is all bad route. i've never really sat down with that mangled little sense of self and acknowledged that it did do well. that the voice telling me how horrible i am serves a function outside of how it makes me feel. and that function is: get small and behave in a certain way, to avoid further provoking the people around you, so you can stay alive.

it reminds me of all my flaws and points out everything i've ever been shamed for, which makes me feel awful, so to make it stop, i behave in a way that won't express those flaws or reasons to be shamed. my shrink asked very genuinely how/if exercise might help when i'm melting down, and it doesn't. i can't. but thinking about it more, beyond the reasons that i'm not physically healthy enough to go sprint a mile, or whatever, i remembered that the voice would just berate me for looking stupid and pathetic while doing it. because i'm so fat and gross, even if i'm alone and unseen in my home, i can't exist that way safely.

it's not useful anymore, and when it comes out full force--in the way it used to just be my baseline--it only hurts me in the present. because i'm no longer in the circumstances that the behavior it pushes on me are productive. things have changed so much for the better that what used to grant me a reprieve only hurts now. (which is just, wow. so proud) i'm actually, truly safe, and don't need to constantly monitor and hypercontrol myself to be (somewhat) safe in my environment. existing safely is just my baseline now. (and maybe that's the key, to point out to it gently that the safety it's trying to give me is already here.)

so it makes me wonder, what if next time that voice comes out, i suck it up and instead of reacting to it with fear, i treat it with compassion? if i talk sweetly to it? it feels, again, kinda like sucking up to my dad in a way. like molding myself into something small and palatable to appease the enemy. like it's a forfeiture of my own needs in that moment to, while being abused, go comfort the thing that's abusing me. but i can't fight back against it. i can't fawn and gently reason with it to stop. because it's me. and it feels so foreign, to understand beyond intellectuality, to conceptualize it as something to be integrated, not exorcised. but if that's the case and, despite the spitting abuse, its whole purpose is just to keep me safe, then what is there to be afraid of? if i set aside how unsafe it makes me feel, recognizing that with the voice comes a memory of feeling unsafe, and that's all it is, then there really is no danger.

my instincts say not to lovingly welcome home and lovingly welcome in the parts of me that feel like an abusive other. and it's very likely it will take this approach and bully me with it too. but to acknowledge it as part of me, and recognize what it is for may be a step in the right direction. it's certainly something i haven't tried yet, and i've tried everything i could think of on my own. but huh, that's what therapy's for lol. i think i understand this part of me better now.

Traumas I'm trying to heal from and working on my own slowly. And yes, I've been crying a lot lately because it's difficult for me to heal on my own. This post will be long, and please don't reply to this post. Please don't message me. Please don't be a dick, bitch, asshole, jerk and other negative stuff thrown at me. I'm writing this post to heal and look back on throughout my healing journey.

Trauma 1: I wasn't loved, cherished, and treasured in my real family. And yes, you have your opinions on this, and honestly, I've been broken emotionally, mentally, and physically by my own family for years until I was 17. I'll give love and respect to my family to the point I don't even get a thank you, I'm sorry and other words from them. Instead, I get berated, mocked, bullied, belittled, gaslight, misplaced anger, a mentally punching bag for them, neglected wnr abused. Even when you and anyone else says that your family didn't know how to love you properly. Excuse me for being different from everyone in my family. I spoke the cold, hard truth, and no one likes me for it. I grew up inside the home and outside the home. Even when I had friends, I didn't hang out with them because I was being drained by them constantly.

Trauma 2: I'm always being compared to someone else when I only wanted to be seen as my own person and myself. Why? Am I not good enough? Then leave me be. Is it because I'm not normal like the rest of the other girls and women? Is it because of my mental health? Is it because I have excessive body hair all over me? Is it because I'm stupid and dumb and not intelligent? Is it because I don't complain a lot? Is it because I'm not annoying like every other girl and woman? Is it because I'm too tall? Is it because I have bushy eye brows? Is it because my tone of voice isn't soft like every other girl and woman? Is it because I have a big forehead? Is it because I have small tits? Is it because I'm too heavy? Is it because I have back pain that cripples me from time to time? Is it because of my menstrual period? Is it because my blood has a smell? Is it because I can't communicate well in English? Is it because I'm abusive? Is it because I'm too optimistic about life? Is it because I have a different belief, viewpoint, and perspective from yours? Is it because I'm a homebody or an extremely shut-in introvert? Is it because of my mood swings? Is it because I yell? Is it because I wasn't ever worthy?

Trauma 3: Misplaced anger (which is being worked on hard core on my own). I learned it from my family and used it on someone, and then I stopped and completely shut my mind off when I feel angry or misplaced anger is coming through or pumping through my veins.

Trauma 4: My demons, which I'm working on slowly since they have become quiet and it's a little too quiet for them. Which is good and a bad thing for me.

Trauma 5: Projectile from me to other people and other people to me. I'm learning this the hard way, and it's a furball mess. I'm untangling it every thread slowly.

Trauma 6: Not feeling supported by people who I hold close to me in the past and up to the present. There are some people who have made it a huge exception on this list. For example, someone will say they support me, and the next thing that person tells me is that they don't support me.

Trauma 7: Healing my past, my current self, and then, I'll date someone when I'm true to myself again. It's been a process, and seeing myself cry while making videos is heartbreaking, and being vulnerable with myself online is the most difficult thing for me.

I will stop here, and when and if I find more traumas, this post will be updated.

Barry: yikes/bestest place on the earth (4x01/02)

We're back for the final season!

Cons:

When there's a show this good, I feel myself unequal to really talking about it or explaining the ways in which it's brilliant. If I had to delve into what isn't working for me so far in these first two episodes, the first thing I'd say is that Sally running home and then immediately coming back to LA was sort of odd. I guess I expected her to stay put with her awful mother for a bit longer. Would have been interesting to see how that played out.

I also think that Barry can go a little too hard on the meta stuff for my taste, and I know that's what the show is going for, I'm not saying it's bad, it's just... personal preference means that watching Cousineau play out his history with Barry in the form of a one man show felt a little more time-wasting than it did comedic to me personally.

Pros:

Over the course of the last season and now especially here, we see the way Barry has fully settled into this creepy, almost child-like serial killer persona. It's like he's just entirely shut down and is approaching everything from this place of... fun-house-mirror innocence, that I find super fascinating and very well acted. His call to Mr. Cousineau, where he asks if he's mad at him. His begging of Sally: "do you really feel safe with me Sally?" And the flashbacks we see of him as a young boy, meeting Fuches for the first time. It all creates this sense of child-like creepiness. And then you see his ruthlessness, filtered through this sense of how little he sees any choice he makes as being his own responsibility. He knows he's done bad things, and yet he's still twisting himself up to become the victim again, like when he baits a guard who was trying to be kind to him, into beating him up. And now, Barry has turned his back on Fuches's loyalty and decided to take a deal.

The scenes with Sally and her mother were chillingly awful. It made me sick to my stomach (in a good way?) to see her mother dismiss her pain and talk about how awkward it was going to be to have to explain to Sally's abuser's family about the TV show and the depiction of the abuse present in it. And her father awkwardly offering her affection and support without really being able to connect with or understand his daughter... it was really something else. The moment that sticks with me most is the mom not understanding the TV show and how it's based on Sally's experiences. "You don't have a daughter. Who wrote this?" Just like... her utter inability/unwillingness to study the piece for its emotional resonances, or maybe to examine why Sally felt like telling a story about a complicated mother/daughter relationship to begin with.

Then we've got Hank and Cristobal. I've gotta say, the scene where Hank has a bad dream that he's still locked up, made me gasp out loud and say to the screen, "oh, fuck no," because for half a second I thought maybe Hank killing everyone and rescuing his boyfriend was all a delusion, and he was still back there. And then he looks over and sees Barry and it's like "ah, okay, this is just a dream." This show plays around with perception a lot, we see it with Barry too as he imagines Sally and Cousineau there in the prison with him, but then it's Fuches who shows up, and he's the one who's real, but then we're also slipping through Barry's memories of him and Fuches in the past... it's so cool.

But back to Hank and Cristobal, I find their relationship so charmingly bizarre, and I like how they immediately want to get back into a life of crime. They just can't help themselves. Nobody who gets involved in this can ever successfully extricate themselves from it. We've also got Hank's moving and yet ultimately quite pathetic loyalty towards Barry, who probably wouldn't extend him the same courtesy. Hank wants to rescue Barry and Fuches from prison, but the minute he learns from Fuches that Barry is working with the feds, he ends the second episode declaring: "we have to kill Barry."

And we're off to the races! I already feel insane about all the stuff happening here. Fuches crying and cradling a bloodied Barry in his arms, apologizing and saying I love you? Oof. Not getting over that any time soon.

9/10

I really want to know what I did that was so bad that I was cursed in this lifetime. Seriously....I mean my overall day to day life isn't to bad, but what I'm referring to is PEOPLE. If I lived on a remote island with 3-5 other individuals who have empathy like myself and the rest of the island was just animals and crops my overall life would be good I believe. But here in the states being surrounded by thousands of mindless zombiefied drones with no mind of their own, who look to one another and play follow the fucking leader, people with no unique individuality or creative thinking on their own, I've noticed that people can't leave their homes without the new hip trendy accessory known as self absorbed evilness. I'm being serious here. Everyone I've met from the age of 18 to present day have been so fucking evil towards me. So manipulative and abusive. From my own family members to people I've met in the streets, clubs, grocery stores, etc etc. And I've tried the whole "treat others as you want to be treated" crap and that doesn't work. Because that's all I've done and you wanna know what I've gotten back? Mind numbing mind fucking manipulative narcissists! Thats all I've experienced. I've shelled out well over hundreds of thousands of dollars to just 1 PERSON alone. And I got back NOTHING. Regardless of how patient I was. I kept telling myself to "be patient", and "you don't know what he's really thinking about you so don't assume anything and just chill" (only because of the things he would say that would imply he was actually interested) only to finally come to the realization after 9 long years it was all a manipulation tactic to keep me complacent. When I explained everything and I asked for a simple apology. He said I wasn't getting one. So that lame ass wack ass advice about treat others how you want to be treated is straight bullshit and useless when 90% of the population is evil selfish spit fucks. The other thing is I'm single but I don't want to be deep down inside. I stay to myself because of my past experiences and not wanting to go through the bull crap anymore. BUT deep down I know good and well I yearn for companionship, and a long term relationship with a great man who fears the most high God, who can watch horror movies with me, who can play video games with me, and who loves to try new foods/cuisine. A great dude who likes to be outdoors with me whenever I actually want to leave the house. That's all I ever frickin ask for. And you mean to tell me I can't even get that? You mean to tell me everyone here is a self absorbed asshole? Everyone here has the same damn mindset of "oh I'm sorry B but I'm STILL not emotionally available, or mentally ready for a relationship or to start a family"??? Do I have that right? And the good ones of course are either already taken OR so damaged by past ex's like myself that they literally turn into a hermit crab and don't want to have anything to do with a relationship. I put this on my fathers grave! I may not be as flashy and standout-ish and bold, and attention seeking as I was back in my 20s, BUT I still low-key will periodically speak to a man when he is speaking to me. I don't act like a bitch and turn him away right off rip. Depending on the vibe I will and have gone as far as to exchange the digits. Whereas the so called men who are so traumatized by 1 or 2 experiences COMPLETELY shut the hell down. Its so pathetic 🙄 😑 but my overall luck with people has been so awful I feel like ill NEVER find a decent human being to connect with BEFORE the most high God returns for us. Hell the real-estate market has crashed already, and once everything falls in line like dominoes and crashes too just like prophecy states thats when all hell will break loose. So frankly we don't have much time left here on "earth realm". And the only types of people that have shown me any level of attention and talks to me about long term relationship is the wrong types. Thats why I feel like I'm cursed with people.