#I'm finally motivated to draw again (this is the worst time for me to be drawing)
Text
Goodbye to the brother I never knew
(alt., posterized version below. slight eyestrain warning)
#thats right it's obbligato time#so yeah that's kaname's tie#from the reimei uniform#thats all I have to say#I'm finally motivated to draw again (this is the worst time for me to be drawing)#himeru#enstars#ensemble stars#fanart#kaname tojou#'s.... tie#oremeru#also byee two obbligato fanarts with black backgrounds in a row#I promise the next one I'm working on has.......#I was gonna say a background but I think the background's also black.#but there's more trust me heahrharahaha.....#oh well!#eye contact#I always forget to tag that#my art
30 notes
·
View notes
Note
Can you do something like comforting Jude after losing the league
WC: 2.0k
It's been an up and down season but it has all come down to the last game. For Dortmund to win the title they really need to win this game as otherwise it's out of their hands. I believe in the team but I must admit I'm quite nervous for the game as it's a lot of pressure and Bayern always seem to pull out results when they need them. As much as I'm nervous I've been trying to keep those feelings suppressed and seem calm on the outside as I know Jude is way more nervous than I am and I want to try and keep him as calm as possible. All day he's been pacing around the house completely in his own world which I understand but I wish he would just sit down and talk to me so I can maybe help calm him down.
Jude so desperately wants the team to win the title as it would mean so much to the club and he would love to win with them before moving on to another team. Knowing that he's injured and can't play I don't think is helping as he's just going to have to watch everything from the bench hoping the team can do it without him. It's the worst possible time for Jude to be out and I know he's beating himself up over it as he's been playing while not fully fit and that's put him out at a vital point of the season. Jude has been so important for the team this year but they can do it without him and they will have to.
He left before me to get to the stadium early with the team like always but I too left early as I couldn't bare to sit around at home anymore and I wanted to see Jude before the game kicked off. When I arrived I made it in easily as the security know who I am so they let me in no problem and I headed towards the locker room while texting Jude to get him to come out. He was waiting for me outside by the time I made it up the corridor and when he saw me he put his arms out which I ran into to give him the hug he clearly wanted. Jude has never held me so tightly which told me all I needed to know about how he was feeling without even asking. I let him hold onto me for as long as he wanted before pulling away and giving him some last words of encouragement and some kisses that I hoped would make him feel at least a little bit better.
The game had not long started when news came that Bayern had scored and were already 1-0 up meaning the team had to win if they wanted to keep first place. It only got worse a few minutes later when the team conceded a goal but luckily the fans still seemed hopeful and kept cheering which motivated the team. Things got worse with dortmund conceding another goal before half time but afterwards things got slightly better with them getting one back. While all of this was going on I was watching Jude sat on the bench biting his nails which I've only seen him do before his first game at the World Cup so I knew he was incredibly nervous. I sat with my fingers crossed so tightly it was hurting but I didn't care it would be worth it if they won. Soon everyone's prayers were answered when it was announced that it was now a draw in the Bayern game. The fans went crazy and the belief that this could be the year was felt by everyone but you could tell there was still nerves in the air as anything could happen.
As the clock ticked on the excitement was only building in the stadium that was until everyone spirit was crushed. Bayern and Musiala got a last minute goal putting them back ahead and giving them the title. The fans tried to keep believing but it was clear that despite a miracle there was no way they were going to win the title this year. The atmosphere changed so quickly from excitement to pure despair that yet again the team were second best. Just before the end of the game a consolation prize in the form of an equaliser came but it wasn't enough although they were on the same points Bayerns goal difference was better giving them the title. It was hard to believe it until the final whistle came but then it really sunk in as I watched all the players drop to the floor.
I was mostly in shock until I saw Jude sit down on the pitch with tears in his eyes seeing him so upset just broke me and I couldn’t stop tears leaving my own eyes. It was so hard to watch Jude so upset but I knew that he needed me so I wiped the tears from my eyes and did my best to stay strong. As soon as I was allowed I ran onto the pitch and straight to Jude to sit down on the pitch next to him. I took hold of his hand to let him know I was there and because I didn't want to smother him if he just wanted to sit and be alone. He clearly wanted some comfort as he rested his head on my shoulder so I held him while he cried into my neck. After a while I got him to look up and wiped the tears from his face but they were quickly replaced my new ones.
"I'm sorry I know how much you wanted it but you did all you could you have worked so hard all season" I said
"But we could've done better just one more win at some point this season would have been enough even a draw" he said
"If it were that easy you guys would have got those results in the first place it just wasn't meant to be but that doesn't take away from everything you have achieved this season" I said
"You're right it just hurts that we lost it so late on" he admitted
"Don't think of it that way think about how you pushed until the very last seconds" I said trying to cheer him up
He simply nodded his head and got up from the ground to go and talk with his teammates and thank the fans. He pulled me up with him and we walked around together still hand in hand like we have been since I sat down with him. Of course there were lots of cameras around which I was very aware of as I tried to stop them filming Jude as much as I could. As we walked around Jude noticed one camera that was coming towards us and he put his hand over the lens and pushed the camera away a bit. I mouthed an apology as we continued walking because I didn't want for people to hate on Jude for doing that but I didn't really mean it as they shouldn’t have been trying to film him in this moment. It was clear that it was hard for him to try and thank the fans but he still did it as the team would be nowhere without the fans and he really does appreciate them.
The entire team stayed out on the pitch for quite a while but eventually they headed inside to shower and change and I went back to the car to wait for Jude. While waiting I got my phone set up with a playlist of his favourite songs as that sometimes helps cheer him up although I don't think it will work in this situation it's worth trying. I also ordered some of his favourite food as I don't want to cook and I thought he would enjoy it especially now he doesn't have to be quite so strict with his diet. Just as I ordered the food the door of the car opened and Jude put his bag in the back before getting into the passenger seat. He looked so defeated but he still gave me a smile and a kiss on my cheek.
When we made it home Jude went upstairs to change into comfier clothes and I collected the food so it was ready for us to eat as soon as he came back down. We ate and then I laid down on the sofa and encouraged Jude to lay on top of me which he did straight away and cuddled as close as he could to me. I played with his hair with one hand as while he held the other twisting my rings which he always likes to do with his favourite being the promise ring he gave to me on our anniversary as it has an engraving on the bottom of the band. He hummed as I continued to scratch his head and he even had a real smile on his face which made me happy as I was worried that I wouldn't be able to get him to smile for a few days.
As he was smiling I wanted to take advantage of it so I stopped playing with his hair and started tickling him which had him laughing and trying to get away from me in seconds. He hates being tickled but it always makes him laugh in a way that just fills me with so much joy. I was planning to tickle him for a bit and then stop when he seemed like he'd had enough but all of a sudden he flipped the both of us over and started tickling me instead. I'm extremely ticklish so every second was torture but Jude was happy so I let him torture me for a while. It felt like an eternity but eventually he stopped tickling me and left me resting on his chest where he instead started assaulting my face with kisses. Seeing Jude happy again was such a relief I remember after the World Cup he was feeling down for weeks and I didn’t want that to happen again as it was a tough time for both of us.
At some point we both settled down and there was silence again as this time I laid on Jude’s chest as he brushed through my hair with his hands. It was quite obvious that the longer we were in silence the more Jude’s mind was able to drift and the smile he had started to slowly fade. I had to do something but I felt like I had exhausted all the options I had thought of and all I had left was trying to talk to him but I don’t know if that’s going to work.
“You know I’m so proud of you” I said
“Thanks babe” he muttered
“I’m serious I couldn’t be prouder to be able to call you my boyfriend you are just so amazing” I said
“And I’m incredibly lucky to be able to call you my girlfriend I don’t know what I’d do without your support and your pretty face is a bonus” he teased
“Well I enjoy looking at your pretty face too” I said
We teased each other for a while longer before we both started to get tired so I suggested we go to bed. He carried me up the stairs and we got into bed together where any normal night we cuddle slightly but not too much as Jude gets too hot when we cuddle. Tonight however he pulled me to his chest and wrapped his arms around me tightly. After the emotional rollercoaster of the last few hours I was exhausted but I stayed awake long enough to know that Jude was sound asleep and when he was I gave him one last kiss before settling down to get some sleep myself.
212 notes
·
View notes
Text
Preliminary Poll
Richard "Dick" Simmons
Submission reason:
I apologize in advance for the amount of autism youre gonna have to read. Red team, the team that Simmons is on, has been the comedic butt of every joke for *years,* while blue team carries most of the plot. In recent seasons, individual members of red team have been given their own development. I won't get into detail about it, but almost every member of red team was given their own lore, motives, character growth, etc. Everyone except Simmons. Every opportunity to give Simmons his own individual depth as a character that didn't ALSO INVOLVE GRIF had been used as a joke. During an episode covering worst fears, Grif faces his own trauma from boot camp training, while his sister watches their childhood home burn down (I'm pretty sure, anyways. Its been a while since ive seen the season and you'd have to pay me to watch it again). When they get to Simmons' worst fear, it's used as a throwaway joke about penises (this part i am sure about. I remember being so mad i had to pause the video and sit there for a second). The writer of those seasons one time shared snippets of script that was cut from final production that supposedly featured an arc where simmons is tortured for information, but then after being asked about it, the same writer revealed that the ""torture"" was actually gonna be a joke about him getting his nails filed. With the series stuck in perpetual limbo due to Rooster Teeth's inability to write RvB well AND their constant scandals (unsurprising, honestly), Simmons has been stuck a boring, depthless character for the last 5 or so years, give or take.
Propaganda:
The writing in the newer seasons has been so tremendously bad that there existed a trend for a good year where the RvB fanbase made memes reacting to fake situations that they WISHED happened instead of what actually happened in the new seasons. I have read fanfiction of potential Simmons backstories since I was 11 (for reference, I'll be 20 in a few days) that are better written than actual official writing for Simmons. Simmons has referenced an abusive home life on more than one occassion (again, mostly used for jokes, but this dates back to the early seasons where everything is a joke for red team) that could easily be used as a backstory for him, but has since been ignored. Which is strange, because Grif's exact same joke comments about a tough home life in the early seasons WERE utilized to further his backstory in the new seasons. Another extremely often under-utilized fact about simmons is that he's a CYBORG he has CYBORG BODY PARTS and they are NEVER REFERENCED. NEVER UTILIZED. I HAVE MET PEOPLE THAT FORGOT HE WAS EVEN A CYBORG AND ASKED ME WHY I WAS DRAWING HIM LIKE THAT IN MY VIDEOS. Also, I don't really like throwing around the word queer-baiting, especially when it comes to fandom spaces, so this is more like... queer-teasing??? But Rooster Teeth loves playing along with their fanbase with Grif and Simmons potentially being a couple (social media posts putting them into couples posts, using them for valentines cards, having the characters use the ship name to address themselves in spin-off non-canon episodes), but then tiptoe around the idea of actually making them a couple in any of their canon media. Like it's not slowburn at this point it's been 20 years and we've gotten vague jokes about fucking in a broom closet and beating someone up for asking them to kiss. Im so tired of the will-they-wont-they i dont even want them canon anymore i just want to know if theyre actually gonna do it or not for the love of god. Tldr rvb writers love using simmons as the ""haha nerd thinks hes smart but hes actually stupid and embarrassing"" trope and keep only writing him like that despite every other character around him getting developed, and with the series in limbo he's now stuck like that. Free my boy, Rooster Teeth. Let me write him I promise I'll do a good job.
#look how they massacred them poll#look how they massacred my boy#richard simmons#simmons rvb#rvb#rvb simmons#red vs blue
48 notes
·
View notes
Note
🌼lurky??? lurky have fears???
Everyone does,,,,,so duh
• Describe one of your OC's worst nightmares.
Describe?? Oh I will describe even better
I WILL WRITE !!!!!! I HAD SURGE OF MOTIVATION!!! I COULD HAVE NOT JUST DESCRIBED IT WITH SIMPLE WORDS!!! I NEEDED ACTION!!!!! not drawing shit this time tho
Tw: Blood,,,gore ? I mean head went cut off that counts at the end tho
She's back again.
The ground below her is cold, it's winter. Days become shorter and night soon dawns.
In her horrible, putrid shared body she scratches at her skin, feeling the outside layer moving along with her dark substance that's keeping them both alive. Her hands eventually reach her neck and she shivers slightly as she remembers that she needs to breathe.
A voice calls out to her, a name that isn't hers. Yet a name that she found so right when it came to her voice.
Once the girl comes close, she smiles and laughs at her. Telling her that she wore way too light clothing for this kind of weather.
She almost felt offended, as the clothes she wore were her own personal choice after the girl in front of her begged her to wear something new. But noted that the people from this area seemed to wear heavier clothing when it snowed heavily.
Smoke came out of the girl's mouth when she breathed out. And when she tried to do the same, only a faint sound came out.
Another flaw of her body. She sighed, she should probably avoid this winter season. But the girl in front of her laughed once again, and teased her for it.
This was their routine. And Lurker liked it.
So how did it end up like this?
Her body trembles like a machine.
A useless bloodied head is on the ground, staining the grass and what's left of the snow with it's blood.
The girl has always known what she was, why was she still trying to hide after all this time?
The girl.
The girl that she saw each day grabbed her horrible, horrible hands that were threatening to turn into daggers.
"Please." she begged in a broken, low voice.
"I'm sick of this, I know you can!"
She kept staring at her hands. Two lifeless purple eyes that once showed no emotion were now wide open, and Lurker thinks it's fear.
"I've done enough research, I know who made you like this, I know how you were made like this!" She moved Lurker's hands right to her chest. The trembling visibly moving to her arms once her palms were pressed onto her body.
Her hands were melting, they were getting attached to the girl's clothes.
"Wouldn't it be better if I just never aged? This way we'll always be together. We- we won't have to always find each other again!"
Her name no longer felt right. it stung. It stung, it stung and she didn't know how she felt that.
she's not supposed to feel.
"Didn't you wish we could be friends forever?"
She finally looked up, and regretted it soon after, recoiling almost instantly the moment she saw the girls face.
"I'm sick of my life, Lurker.. I'm sick of having to be reborn everytime"
"No..no. That's not how it works- its-"
"You won't disappoint me, right?"
The girl's hand pressed Lurker's own into her chest more. it was merging. Lines of darkness that resembled a bundle of veins slowly started making its way all around the girl.
"You wouldn't dare to make your only friend sad, would you Lurker?"
It continued further.
it was reaching her neck.
it was engulfing her.
"Let me become one of you."
Her free arm turned liquid for a split second to quickly morph into a blade and in one swift motion she cut her head off.
As the body fell, she made way to the girl's decapitated head and stabbed it, again. again. and again.
She kept on stabbing it until she could only see the dark blood on her whole face.
Until she couldn't see her eyes.
Until she could no longer recognize the skin of the bloody piece of flesh that sat on the ground in front of her feet.
Her arm slowly morphed back into normal, the remaining blood getting wiped off instantly.
The ground was warm. Winter ended. Days were no longer gonna be shorter and the sun would've been the first one to see her work of art.
And she was sure she felt fear, because she knew she'd see the girl again in a few years.
Freaks of nature always seem to levitate to one another like magnets, after all.
#OC//lurker#askgame answers#oc#shapeshifter#decided to go on full writin this time#lurky just has horrible taste in picking people to be friends with ngl#also still big wip#i know how i want the girl to be in lurker's eyes but like. i still have no design for her#blehg#but all the lurker lore is coming to me#i am FUNCTIONAL#!!!!!!??#anywyas sis would be out of it if she evsr saw the girl again#traumatized fr
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
Amazing how, despite the absence of Peacekeepers in our face right this second, this is nonetheless the worst its ever been.
I'm not saying Makoto fucked us all. ...but I'm not not saying that. If things continue down this path, Makoto will have killed Huesca and destroyed the Nocturnal Detective Agency, something Yomi's been trying and failing to do for weeks, all in one fell swoop. Yomi will get to ride the high of killing us all and Makoto gets to go home secure in the knowledge that he made this checkmate happen.
Assuming this is the outcome that he intended to happen, of course. But I've watched Makoto work Yomi over. Man's playing 4-D chess while we're all playing checkers. It is highly possible that he meant all of this to happen.
So this is our motive. To escape the base, we have to find Fink and prove his existence to Yomi - Which will likely involve some retaliatory soul-reaping to avenge Yakou.
Probably not. Like I said earlier, if all of these security measures are stopping us from leaving then they may be stopping Fink from leaving too. It's possible he's still in the building. If he didn't get out before they turned off the elevator, he may even still be on this floor.
Right now, Yomi's licking his wounds and figuring out what to do with us. We have breathing room. This is the perfect time to act.
Desuhiko's not wrong and this is a common complaint I have with Yuma's behavior. But it's better than sitting around with our thumbs up our asses, wondering how long until Yakou draws his final breath.
If Halara's with us then we must be on the right path! Let's do this!
Astral projection. Which means if we hold his hand, we can astral project too.
Hold up, condition? You gonna tell me what that means, big guy?
I will tear you in half little man.
I mean, I won't. But if you swing on Vivia, I will offer Halara a fiver to snap you in two. I don't even care that Vivia could outfight you in his sleep. They can both kick your ass together.
It's astral projection. I knew it. This spiritual ability is probably also why he can see Shinigami. He has one foot in the plane that she exists on.
This is going to be fun. I can't wait to Coalesce with it! Vivia, you and I are going to be the best of partners.
CHOKE ON YOUR TONGUE. I wanna be a gho~ost! T_T
He is looking right at Shinigami as he says this. He knows exactly what's going to happen if he helps us.
No, we won't. Yomi's a fascist prick. Before Halara showed up, he was kicking Yakou's body to help him die faster. We're supposed to trust that guy with Yakou's medical care?
You and me both, my guy. I feel you. I'd love to live in that world too. But it isn't what we have. It's important to always keep moving forward, to keep striving to build a better world to live in. But to always keep one eye on the world that presently exists.
I wish I could believe that Yomi is a good-hearted well-meaning guy who will engage with us in good faith and offer Yakou the care that he deserves. I wish I could have faith that our situation is such.
But I don't. His behavior has given me zero confidence in his willingness or ability to treat us fairly.
Too harsh, Halara. While I agree that Vivia should help me commit long-range remote-murder, I can't fault him for his reluctance to do so. He's got a good heart.
Yes to that first one; He does seem violently concerned about the presence of the Book of Death among us, and its involvement in our activities. Rightly so. It's killing people.
Vivia once again cutting to the thematic heart of these investigations. Through the Mystery Labyrinth, the price we pay for the answers we find far outweighs the value of those answers. We trade lives in exchange for secrets that weren't worth those lives.
Should he truly help us do it? Take the blood upon his hands, the same as ours? Desuhiko and Halara can't fathom what he's talking about because they don't know. They don't understand what's at stake here. But Vivia knows. He sees the monster that lurks over Yuma's shoulder and feeds on souls unjustly condemned.
I hope he sticks to his guns. I know he won't, 'cause we have a case to crack and game mechanics won't let us just call it here. But this is a strong moment for him.
Oh, we're going to trick him. Wow. That's dangerous. We don't even know if we'll be able to get our soul back in its body without his help.
Never mind, he knew exactly what we were on about.
Yeah, he rolled over fast. "I won't do the thing because I'm morally opposed to it. I have no qualms with helping you do the thing, though. It's not the doing of the thing that I'm against; I just don't want to do it myself."
SPOOKY GHOST. This is awesome. I'm going to investigate so many things and they won't be able to stop me. And maybe finally take my chance to rub my butt on Yomi's desk like I promised.
Gotta keep my word, y'know. It's called integrity.
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
Questions for Writers
Tagged by @merge-conflict! (Thank you!)
Last book I read: Nonfiction - "The Unfolding of Language" by Guy Deutscher, Fiction - "Children of the Mind" by Orson Scott Card
Greatest literary inspirations: Valerie Locke (my V, from "Secure Your Soul" and "Beyond the Event Horizon") is largely inspired by two characters - Peter Wiggin from the Ender's Game Series by Orson Scott Card and Coriolanus Snow from The Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes by Suzanne Collins. In fact, her last name comes from Peter Wiggin's propaganda-spreading alter ego, Locke. One thing I really loved in TBOSAS is the disconnect because Coryo's internal dialogue and his external behavior. He is charismatic on the outside, but judgemental and selfish on the inside. So I definitely draw inspiration from the way Collins wrote that contrast when I write my V. Peter Wiggin is similar, although it isn't written in the same way because he doesn't narrate and the main narrators (Ender and Valentine) can see through his facade. But still he manages to take over the world with just the power of controlling the narrative.
Things in my current fandoms I want to read but I don't want to write: I don't think I have this problem because I always want to write all my ideas. If anything, I need to work on less projects all at the same time 'cause I don't make enough progress on any one individual project.
Things in my current fandoms I want to write but I think nobody would be interested in them but me: To be honest, I think all of my premises would have an audience. Hopefully that doesn't sound arrogant, but mostly I just mean that all the fandoms I want to write for (Cyberpunk 2077, Mass Effect, Star Wars: The Old Republic) have active fanbases in terms of fanfic readers and I think my premises are all ones that at least some people would find interesting.
You can recognize my writing by: Villain and/or ruthless hero protagonists, lots of em-dashes, characters whose internal state doesn't match their external behavior, outgoing protagonists who are talkative and excitable, characters having lengthy internal monologues in the middle of a conversation, beginning dialogue with words like "Hmm...", "Well...", "I mean...", etc. and then interrupting with a dialogue tag and moving on to the rest of the line (i.e., "Well," she said, "I don't see how that will help us.")
My most controversial take (current fandom): I like to write for Corpo V and Renegade Shepard. I think Corpo V is fairly popular, but even so, I think a lot of people don't consider Devil Ending their canon because it's so depressing. My version of Devil Ending is even more depressing than canon. I'm almost certain Paragon Shepard and Paragade Shepard are significantly more popular than Renegade Shepard, especially my version, who makes pretty much every worst possible decision (doesn't cure the genophage and kills Wrex and Mordin and doesn't let the geth live, etc.).
Top three favorite tropes: Both corruption arcs and redemption arcs. The Mastermind as a character archetype. AUs in general.
What’s your current writing mood (10 – super motivated and churning out words like crazy, 0 – in a complete rut): Honestly, it's hard to say because it changes a lot in a fairly short time-frame. I do most of my writing in huge bursts where I am highly productive for hours at a time, and then I don't write again for weeks.
Share a random frustration: Like I said earlier, it's hard for me to avoid taking on too many projects at once. I think I also have a tendency to start sharing a little too early and then wanting to go back and edit after the fact. I get overly excited, I guess.
And, finally, I tag @ghostoffuturespast, @fereldanwench, and @another-corpo-rat.
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
Back to Life Is Really Hard (Residency Edition)
Things I've learned: I do like obstetrics. Mainly, I like that routine obstetric clinic visits are fast and easy, I like that I know how to do basic labor and triage tasks quickly and efficiently, and I like that I get to do cesarean deliveries. That being said, I think I can live without it. There's lots of confounding hours (like who's on my team, the better hours, etc), but gyne is where I'm much, much happier. And that's where I am now!! At the same time I'm trying to buckle up for MIGS applications which happen next year, and basically the advice given to me was to make peace with the numbers because it's possibly one of the most competitive fellowships across all specialties with a 50/50 chance. I'm motivated: I'm about to submit an IRB for my research project, I'm working on manuscript revisions for my med school paper, I'm involved with ACOG on a state level, I have another research project that might come to fruition, and I'm hoping to design a surgical skills curriculum for medical students. I've also started looking in-depth at away rotations for MIGS, and I'm making a spreadsheet of every program I want to apply to (so, probably 50-60 programs). But I also need to be realistic and have a Plan B, because it's a coin flip whether I match.
But to level with ya'll, despite this sliver of ambition I've regained, I'm SO depressed. Like, VERY FREAKING DEPRESSED. I'd say my mood is largely fine, but man, it is incredibly difficult to get out of bed, to be on time, want to be around my co-residents. I'm finally on weekly Prozac again, but my dose most likely needs increased. I'm also starting therapy (again) tomorrow. But it's just... hard. My life got pretty bad at the start of the year. My cat getting really sick, going into a lot of debt from vet bills and conference costs, my car getting vandalized. My oncology rotation was probably the worst I have ever performed in all of residency. I got some really, really tough feedback. It really knocked me on my ass. Things are slowly getting better, but again, I'm working against this baseline depression. The best I can describe it is just... heavy, or blurred. I lost my zest for life. It's like my life is muted.
I drew a tarot card yesterday to describe where I'm at in my life right now. I drew the 10 of Swords.
Yep. That's residency.
My tarot draws are always like this. I gravitate towards swords and cards like The Tower. It's not all bad, though. I like the concept of death, decay, and endings. I like that it creates fertile soil with which life can rise anew. Consider the artwork from the Light Seer's tarot:
We face the loss, the betrayal, the stress... whatever it is that is causing us so much pain. It will always be a part of us, but what rises up from the ashes is much brighter and stronger, "vulnerable, whole, and totally and powerfully alive."
I drew the Tower card before I drew the 10 of Swords. I like the chronology of it, too. It makes sense with the sequence of events in my life, first undergoing its major upheaval (my break-up with my fiance, moving to a new city alone, being dumped by the rebound I fell in love with, living independently for the first time in over a decade, all with the background of my chronic depression)... and then when the fire finally goes out and the dust settles... it's this empty, desiccated landscape, full of hurt and pain and loneliness. But despite all this, the sun still shines, the rain falls, and slowly life springs forth from the rot. I really resonate with cards like these, like Death, The Tower, The Fool, any card that represents endings and beginnings.
(Lol I lost my actual journal and my thoughts had to go somewhere so here we are.)
Anyway back to medicine (ugh), I'm again trying to focus on the ME outside of residency. The YA romantasy books, training for a Tough Mudder, resuming my interest in obscure non-fiction, tennis.
I'm also researching creatine??? IDK my brain is in a million places right now. My boxing class got cancelled so I biked for 40 minutes while watching 1000-lb sisters. Before I was obsessively looking up MIGS fellowship programs and I needed to get my mind OFF residency and medicine.
And since I find my mind drifting back to something that already occupies WAY TOO MUCH SPACE in my life, I'm gonna peace and work on Kingdom of Ash until I fall asleep
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Since I'm finally done with that cosplay I kinda want to start some new projects. I don't have any pics that don't include other people sadly, so, I don't think I should post them, but it turned out well!
Making that thing was eating me up though so I'm gonna try to do something else for a bit. Maybe work on a clangen thing again, try and get back in to drawing in the meantime. Big Run is happening in splatoon, so I'll be doing that too.
Honestly it's exhausting to have this creativity be stifled by my lack of motivation, which just leads to more of that. I want to make and show you all so much but it's hard.
Going to that convention also made something even clearer to me: my vision is getting worse. Granted my cosplay had an eyepatch, so I lacked depth perception the whole time, but like. It was so difficult to make out what was just 5 yards in front of me. Hell it was hard to make out details in the stalls I got closer too.
I'm worried. I'm nearsighted, so, drawing and using devices is still fine I guess, but fuck. I couldn't see. Even without the fake eyepatch on I couldn't see. At least, yknow, it felt that way, with things being blurrier than they used to.
I guess this serves as a sort of rambly update to yall about why I've been somewhat inactive, and why that inactivity may continue. Life is getting weird, and I don't want my lacking in posts to lead yall to think the worst.
I'm still here, just trying a bit harder to live. I wish you all the best
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Idk how to put this down in words exactly but I'm gonna try anyway. 2023 was a rlly bad year for me in terms of creating art lol. Ive been working through probably the worst case of art block/burnout ive experienced in a long long time. The workload from college last year was so immense and unwieldy, by the time deadlines came and went I was beyond running on fumes (a feeling I can guarantee my friends and peers also know rip). And looking back at the work I did produce I mainly just feel. Annoyed. Apart from Master Phiast and the lifedrawing sketchbooks I kept, The amount of pressure (in part due to my own indecisiveness and work ethic, another part due to unrealistic assignment briefs) to put out the largest quantity of work as I possibly could is reflective in what I ended up turning in. Most of which will never see the light of day (not on any public platforms of mine anyway lmao). Aside from a few paintings here and there, I spent most of my year working, picking up crocheting and spending time w friends and family whenever I can. I'm still trying to shake the feeling of guilt I get whenever I'm not actively creating or working on anything that can be posted online or put in a portfolio, but I'm getting there.
Only now do I feel like I'm starting to build up the motivation to draw again, mostly working on final year stuff. While I'm still pretty miffed about the wasted time spent on work I'm not proud of, I'm actively trying to reframe thinking about it in a way that Is helpful going forward. I'm learning from the fuck-ups I made and applying what I've picked up in the meantime.
I'm sick atm so idk how intelligible this is but I hope it makes sense. Basically what I'm trying to say is Don't Beat Yourself Up for Taking A Break, you're not a Content-Making Machine.
Tl:Dr 2023 was kinda shite, bring on 2024🕺
#my art#my face too#art vs artist#art vs artist 2023#sea yaps#idk if this articulates everything i feel but im tired and gonna go take a nape in 5 seconds so
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
When 2023 was right around the corner, I had this desperate hope to make things better. My life was falling apart and back then I thought that 2022 was the worst year I've experienced...
... so far.
In January, I made so many plans to fix my life and to fix what was between me and people close to me. Things were still pretty terrible but at least I had HOPE and I was determined. I was like, THIS WILL BE THE YEAR WHEN MY LIFE GETS BETTER! WHEN MY DREAMS COME TRUE! I made my second attempt at bullet journaling to track my crazy mood shifts and to write motivational stuff that would help me self-soothe and control my triggers. I was doing DBT workbooks even though I was too scared to seek professional therapy. I kept telling myself that I can't fuck up again. And I didn't.
Yet my life has still shattered not long after I started working on my mental health.
I kept asking myself why, I couldn't understand it and I still really can't. I had to carry on despite wishing to never wake up nearly every day. But I think it's just how I am. I will carry on no matter how bad things are. Maybe it's a good trait.
But life was pathetic AF. The first half of 2023 was just me falling straight into the pit. I still couldn't get into therapy because I was too ashamed and my imposter syndrome was screaming at me that I'm just faking it because I still manage to sleep alright and I was doing fine at work. Even though that was what my life has become. Sleep and work. And YouTube. Well, I also continued learning Dutch but I'm really slow at it. Can't really get past A1 level. I've made countless attempts at going back to drawing but it's just a struggle nowadays. I don't feel any joy from it anymore. And I hate it because I loved doing it. I can't go back to writing either. I can't even read fics anymore. Somehow, reading about my favorite ship getting together for the 100th time and living happily after only adds salt to the wound.
The second half of the year was when I finally made attempts at stopping going downhill. Finally got the guts to start therapy, then my therapist convinced me to make my own decisions instead of letting people do it for me. I also quit my job because it sucked and I had no life outside of it.
Do I feel better? No.
Do I look forward to 2024? No.
I'm turning 30 in 2024 and I feel so pathetic I don't even know what to give myself as a gift to make myself happy. Because to be honest, absolutely nothing makes me happy anymore. I keep on living and try to enjoy things while they last but it's not pure, genuine joy. Every time I have to tell myself "this is a happy moment, enjoy it." Every other thing, on the other hand, reminds me of the times I was hurt so now I avoid my triggers like a plague. I also don't trust people at all. I'm constantly warning myself that every person who tries to befriend me is lying and they actually think I suck. I can't fit in anywhere.
I'm scared to say that 2023 was my absolute worst year because I said that about 2022 and then the next year topped it. But it fucking sucked. 2023 managed to turn all my happy memories from the year before into something that doesn't seem like it happened anymore. I'm actually trying to erase them from my memory but I don't think I ever will. I have no plans for 2024, no hopes, no dreams. Whatever happens, happens.
I'm not sure why I wrote this on my blog, I guess I just wanted to scream into the void. I'm mourning what once was, what I had and what I could do. I need to accept that those things will never come back.
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
NTMF College AU Chapter 19
What a coincidence it's Mayor Burrow's birthday and he finally makes more than a half sentence appearance in this story!
I should be able to leave you with a short but pleasant chapter tomorrow before I have a small weekend work trip!
have a great weekend everybody <3
(mild cw for mentioned violence and so much gaslighting it's like it's 1905)
-
Jillian had no idea what to say as the Dean entered the office. He gave her a benevolent smile and gestured towards the only chair. “Please, Miss Littner, have a seat. You're not in any trouble, I promise.”
I... just broke into this building... am standing amongst piles of the forbidden tomes... how can I possibly not be in trouble?
Her eyes flicked to the chair and back to the Dean. There was no longer a book on it, which was a problem for her to process later, so she carefully sat down, keeping her eyes on him.
The Dean crossed his arms, shaking his head and looking troubled, rather than stern. The disconnect between what she'd expected—especially based on what Noel had told her about her own meeting with the Dean—to what she was actually seeing was jarring. “So, it seems your friend Miss Cerquetti has gotten herself into a bit of trouble these past few days.”
Jillian swallowed. Her hands were tightly gripping the edges of her seat, hidden by the desk. He's referring to the expulsion, right? There's no way he knows—
He smiled at her again, a reassuring expression. “Don't look so worried, Jillian. I can call you Jillian, right?”
It didn't seem like disagreeing was the right thing to do, so she nodded awkwardly.
“Well, Jillian, your other roommate, Spica, has filled me in on what's been going on.” He shook his head, seeming pained again. “I must apologize. I know that losing the top spot must have been a shock to her when she is such a skilled pianist, but I never would have anticipated such a reaction from a lady of Miss Cerquetti's status. But I do know about the devil now, Jillian.”
It felt like there was ice in her veins. Her hands were gripping the chair so tightly she hadn't realized she was shaking until she heard her teeth click. She took and released a deep breath, trying to focus on calming down. Dean Burrow's voice was gentle and soothing, and helped on that front.
“It had to be very hurtful that she'd hide something like that from you, but I hope you understand that even people you've known for a very, very long time can betray you, Jillian.”
N...no, Noel didn't betray me...
“Sh-she said...”
“Please speak up, Jillian. What did she say?” He leaned in slightly, clearly listening carefully.
“She said it was an accident... that Spica had drawn the circle...”
“An accident?” He shook his head, smiling sadly. “No, Jillian, I'm afraid not. Spica did draw the circle... because Noel asked her to.”
That's not true—there's no way that's true!
“I know that you can't believe it, I know. It's your best friend, of course. But Jillian, you need to think through this logically. What possible motive could Spica have to frame her? Spica is, indeed, a troubled girl, but tricking someone into a summon is, at best, attempted murder. Would your roommate truly hate her that much that she'd kill her so violently? Spica said your worst disagreements were over noise levels and dishes, isn't that right?” He waited for her to answer, and she nodded reluctantly.
He rubbed his brow for a moment, sighing. "Now, Jillian, I don't wish to violate her privacy, but I want you to understand Spica a little better. She told me she's been too nervous to tell you, but that it's okay if I did. The truth is... she's currently being treated for a personality disorder. So both she and I understand that she's very difficult to get along with. But neither I nor her therapist believe she is capable of killing someone, especially without a motive. Think, Jillian... have you ever actually seen her be violent?"
He waited again, and Jillian, reluctantly, shook her head.
I actually haven't... Spica's jealousy over Ribellio scares me, but I don't know that she's ever actually been violent, I just suspect. He did tell me that his scar was from a fall...
Maybe my instincts are really off if the Dean acknowledges her flaws like this, but still trusts her... It's clear he understands what she's really like, so she wasn't pretending to be someone else when she talked to him...
Maybe she's... not lying... about what she told me...
There was something amiss with that logic, but Jillian couldn't place it. Her anxiety was too high. She listened as Dean Burrows continued to speak, calmly, logically. His voice was soothing even as his words were terrifying.
“And besides that, Jillian, the most obvious proof is simply that Noel is with the devil now. Why would he be with her, if they hadn't made a contract? And why would he make a contract with her if her summoning was an accident?” He gave her a knowing glance, one that was gently encouraging her to put the pieces together on her own. “Devils are very proud creatures, Jillian. An insult like that would not be taken lightly.”
Is he... right...? Could Noel really... have lied to me like that...?
“So you surely must recognize that it is, at least, a possibility. We both know that she hasn't been thinking clearly these past few days. Noel's pride is almost as strong as a devil's, after all.” His smile at that seemed off, somehow, but it quickly readjusted into a plaintive expression.
Noel... is very proud... She hates losing... She said she recognized her own playing, but... Professor Becker really didn't have a motive to switch them. Maybe... Maybe Ribellio really did just practice a lot, and she can't accept that someone so less experienced could have surpassed her...
The devil made a contract with her, I can't deny that. The proof is that she's with him right now. And she told me no when I told her I'd help her get rid of him. Why—why would she do that if it were an accident? And they were even—even sleeping together, if not more... but... it's all because of him, he's the one that's corrupted her! There's no way I can believe that she did this on purpose!
It's just... got to be a mistake...
Dean Burrows gave her another reassuring smile. “Listen, it's okay if you don't believe me, Jillian. That's not important right now. What is important is handling the situation as it presents itself to us, okay?”
He looked down at her, smiling with deep compassion, until she closed her eyes and nodded firmly.
“Now, while there obviously must be consequences for committing such a dire crime, my first priority is always my student's safety, and that includes Noel's."
“... you can really... help her?” Jillian felt sure her words were too quiet to be heard, but Dean Burrows gave a firm nod.
“No, Jillian, not only I—together, we can save Noel. I can't do this without you. We can get her away from that devil, and then get her help to understand why what she did was wrong, and how to deal with those kind of strong emotions in the future. I'm certain that we can keep this out of the news, and I'll use all of my power to see that she's treated leniently." He gave a heartfelt sigh. " After all, it's my responsibility, in the end, I failed to recognize the conflict inside her, and thus failed as an educator. So I won't give up on her either, Jillian, just like you!”
She could feel how passionate he was about the subject. There's a reason he's the most beloved Dean... How could I have ever even listened to Noel when she said she thought he was hiding a darker side? To think so negatively on him when he's going so far to help her... it's as bad as I was with Fugo...
Maybe I really can't understand people at all! Fugo was right, I spent all my time with Noel, and missed out on socializing with other people because I was too scared. Now she's the only person I believe in, but it looks like I never actually understood her... I never thought she could lie to me...
Dean Burrows gave her an almost pleading expression. “But to do that, to save Noel, we need to work as quickly as we can. And for that, I need your help, Jillian.”
Jillian bit her lip, her eyes flickering around the room nervously. The piles of books were still giving her a horrible, claustrophobic feeling, and she wondered now why she'd ever thought she'd be able to safely open one. She looked up at the Dean. “Wh... what can I do?”
“I know you want to save your friend, even if you still don't believe that she chose this path on her own. It's why you're here, after all, isn't it?” He gave her an encouraging look, and she nodded silently. “I assume you learned of the books' removal from one of the Dressel brothers.”
“Fugo,” she said softly, apologizing silently for throwing the man under the bus—but also knowing that he would have wanted her to, to protect his brother. “Oscar has nothing to do with any of this.”
“That doesn't surprise me. Oscar's always been an upright, trustworthy young man. Fugo, however... is a little bit of a wild card. I have a lot of guilt because he dropped out... I really failed him.” His face looked determined. “Still, I'll do whatever I can to make sure he isn't punished for this break in, I know you both have your hearts in the right places.”
He smiled down at her again. Somehow, this time it made her feel less at ease, not more.
“Now, I have someone I can call on to perform a devil exorcism, Jillian, but first, we need to get the devil here, where there aren't many people around. I want to do this as quietly as possible, for Noel's sake. Let's try to keep her reputation intact, okay?” He paused, as if thinking for a moment. “Jillian, can you ask Noel to come here without raising her suspicions?”
Is he... for real?
It's the Dean... why would he lie about something like this? He has all the motivation in the world to not want this to be publicized, so maybe... I can rely on him.
No, I must rely on him. Fugo doesn't have any idea what to do, and I can't read these or even touch these books so my own plan failed—Dean Burrows is going to be my savior. And I'll be Noel's!
Noel, I'm going to save you!
She nodded. “Yes, I... I think so.”
“Good. Do that, please. Ask her to meet you in the lobby as soon as possible.”
Jillian swallowed the strange feeling building in her throat, nodding. She pulled out her phone, trying to think for a moment. She was horrible at lying to Noel, but she had to at least partially obscure the truth. She thought a moment longer before finally typing a message with only one blatant lie in it.
Noel, I'm at the Performance Hall now. Nobody else is here, probably because there's a power outage and it's so foggy out. My idea was stupid, I can't even read any of these books... Can you please come meet me? I want to talk to you a bit more... I don't think I listened very well last night, and I'm regretting that. I'm sorry I was so rude to Caron, too... if you trust him, there's a reason, right? I'm just so scared...
“Is this okay?” She held up her phone to the Dean. She wasn't sure why she was asking him for approval before hitting send.
“Caron?” He raised an eyebrow at the name. “The devil with her is named Caron?”
Jillian nodded. “Um... is he really dangerous?”
Dean Burrows touched his brow, seeming stressed. “I'm afraid so, Jillian. I've heard of him many times before. That creates a bit more urgency. Go ahead and send that message. We need to get him away from her before he claims his price, and it's too late.”
Jillian nodded again, wondering why her fingers were shaking as she hit send. She set her phone on the only open spot on the desk and looked up at the dean as they waited silently.
After a few minutes, she felt compelled to ask a question that she wasn't sure she wanted to hear the answer to. “That devil... Caron... do you know what kind of prices he takes?”
The Dean looked uncomfortable—as if he was trying to protect her from a cruel reality. “It's... hardly the sort of thing I should be discussing with a student, but...”
“Please, I want to know. I'm really scared for Noel, but I don't even know what might happen to her... what danger she's really in.” She bit her lip, looking to the side. “I don't know if he's already... started...”
Dean Burrows looked pained, smiling down on her sadly. “I apologize for being graphic, Jillian, but Caron is a Great Devil, not one of the lessor ones that play tricks. He's been known to disembowel his victims, remove their limbs and tongues and eyes... terribly, terribly violent things.”
He paused, looking even more distressed—as if feeling bad for her, having to listen to his words. “There are other things, unspeakable deeds that I can't bear to mention. I'm... afraid you can imagine what I'm referring to, right?”
Jillian twisted her hands in her lap, feeling like she wanted to throw up.
“And we know Miss Cerquetti is already disabled... it is truly unlucky that she summoned him in particular. She doesn't have much chance of fighting back at all... We must hurry!”
Jillian's phone went off. She glanced up at Dean Burrows, who gave her a gentle smile and nod as if telling her to open it. She tapped on the message as he walked around the desk to stand behind her.
We'll be heading that way shortly. Please don't worry, he understands that your only concern is my safety. If we all talk together, I know we can come to an understanding!
“Find out what route they're taking to get here.” Jillian looked up at Dean Burrows in slight confusion, his voice had sounded a bit strange. He set his hand on her shoulder, smiling reassuringly as he gave it a gentle squeeze. “Ah, to be clear—I want to be sure that they're not stopped by campus security. That could be terribly dangerous for Noel. Some are armed, and if they see a devil, they might not understand that she's really his victim, not his demon.”
She nodded again, realizing she could taste blood—how hard am I biting my inner lip? And why? It's going to be okay, Dean Burrows is on my side, too. We're going to save Noel!
She pushed aside the thoughts in the back of her head struggling to become clear, and took another moment before thinking of the exact phrasing to use.
The main roads are a little busier than I thought. You might wanna cut through the forest.
She looked up at him again, and he paused, touching his chin. “Specify the Lhaplus Gorge Trail. There shouldn't be anyone on it since the main part was washed out in the rains a few weeks ago, but the part they'd use should be safe.”
She restated the text.
The main roads are a little busier than I thought. You might wanna cut through the forest using the Gorge Trail.
Dean Burrows nodded as she glanced up, as if giving her permission. She hit send again, setting the phone down as they waited. After another half minute, it beeped and she picked it up again.
Sounds good. See you soon! And thank you for everything, Jillian, I truly appreciate you. You really are my one and only best friend.
The last line made her feel ill.
She went to set the phone down again, but was surprised when Dean Burrows plucked it out of her hands with two fingers. She looked up in confusion.
He was smiling at her, but it was different.
“Thanks for that, Jillian. Now, unfortunately, you're going to need to wait in here while I take care of this issue. But you've always been such a good, obedient girl, I know I won't have to worry about anything, even in such a dangerous room... after all, some of these books are harmful to even look at.”
What is he...
“What do you...” her voice trailed off. It felt like there was a different man in front of her.
Dean Burrows continued to smile. It was no longer kind or sympathetic, but malicious and arrogant.
“Now, after I take care of Caron and Miss Cerquetti, I have something else I need you in particular for, Jillian. You'll agree to that, right?” He paused, but his smile didn't fade. “Otherwise... I don't know what could happen during this exorcism. Noel could get hurt. Maybe even lose another limb... or worse.”
It wasn't a prediction. It was a threat.
She could barely make out words. “What is it?”
“You're going to perform a little concert tonight, that's all. The night of the full moon will be so lovely for it.”
A concert...?
“That's right, I even have the sheet music right here.” He moved a book on the desk, pulling out some papers from underneath it and setting them in front of her. “You're so diligent, Jillian, I'm sure you'll be able to play it perfectly. Mistakes would also be very troublesome for Noel...”
He laughed. “Oh, I mean for me, sorry. Why did I say Noel?”
She knew exactly why he had.
He turned to leave the room. “Wait patiently, Miss Littner. I'll be back soon enough. Oh, and I'll be sure to send you proof of life for Miss Cerquetti... I'd hate for you to give up because you don't believe she's okay. I promise I'll return her to you in one p... well, I'll return her to you alive.”
“N... no...” Jillian couldn't say anything else as he closed the door. She heard the click of a lock.
She was now alone in the windowless room, surrounded with the forbidden books.
All of the panic she'd been holding back came rushing in.
No... no!
This is the exact opposite of what I set out to do! Noel is in even worse danger now and it's all my fault!
I'm sorry I'm sorry Noel I'm so sorry I'm sorry—
Her vision was tunneling again as she started to hyperventilate.
No, I need to keep calm—I need to do something—I need to—I need to save Noel—I need to save her—I need—
Her body wouldn't cooperate any longer. Everything went grey. She couldn't catch her breath.
She fainted.
5 notes
·
View notes
Note
tsukasa throughout the manga all these plans were linked to amane the only thing that interests him is amane you could even say that he spies on him since he always comes at the right time it's a type of obsession that he could have been born since he was alive i think so but for a mentally ill like tsukasa being obsessed with his brother is the most normal thing that has done
2n2n-san so far i'll be glad you give me your point of view on that I hope that I did not disturb you
Its true, I think his ultimate goal pertains to Amane. Everything is in observation of Amane!
It's the result of their childhood together…. despite being the same age, Amane took on a role of looking after or instructing the more absent-minded Tsukasa in things….. I think he always deferred to Amane, awaiting his opinion, thoughts, attention. Wanting to please him, somehow. Hoping he could say or do the right thing, and not mess up (as he was prone to). Poor clumsy boy. He can't read well, he makes messes, he drops things... I'm sure he felt Amane was patient with his problems.
I always love this drawing. From the perspective of Tsukasa, you can feel the adoration of Amane….. happy to listen to him ramble on about anything.
For whatever the two may have endured, it's possible Amane was the only person defending, and close to, Tsukasa…. maybe even that no other person would be able to forgive, or love Tsukasa, whatever he was doing, however he was acting. I think Tsukasa has a very good reason to be obsessed with Amane…. Amane must have made quite a gesture to Tsukasa, back then. Tsukasa is grateful to Amane. A logical feeling. You just can't blame him for it, can you?
The boys were already incredibly close, but after losing Tsukasa once, I'm sure Amane increased his tight hold onto his brother, afraid of losing him again. If anything, I think that must have felt quite lovely, for Tsukasa…..!
The final act of the shinjuu, meant perhaps the most beautiful thing-- that Amane would refuse to live without Tsukasa…. in feudal period beliefs, plays, and certain buddhist teachings, dying together meant your souls staying together for eternity. Amane wanted that….? With Tsukasa? All eternity… certainly a thought to make you go insane with joy, isn't it? In a way, I think the shinjuu was a gesture of commitment. A statement of, "I'm never leaving you, and I'll never let you leave me behind."
Whatever happened, I think Tsukasa's response to it is what you'd expect it to be. I think it's worth any amount of effort, to return the gesture to Amane, somehow.... surely his entire psyche centers on this. We'll bend the world however we please, to do something for Amane.
I wouldn't call any of it 'normal', though. Whatever Tsukasa and Amane felt, to make the decisions they did.... I don't even think anyone outside of it could understand them (which is why Hanako doesn't want anyone to even know). No part of their bond was, or is, 'normal'. Is it even the most innocuous result of their experiences? .... that's up for debate, too. Did this obsessive emotion motivate them to die together? Is it so intense, it's destructive by nature? But you know, I like to think they can't help it, either. Can't blame anyone for being in love, can you? Whatever happened, came from their hearts.
Lets not be concerned with a word or concept like 'normal'. Isn't it boring, anyway? Though maybe you or I can feel something like, "I understand why Tsukasa acts, liking his brother is all he knows how to do, and that's natural for him. I don't blame him for what he feels".
Without Amane, I'm not sure Tsukasa would be motivated to meddle in anything..... destruction for destruction's sake, isn't his way of life.
You don't disturb me! Nobody can, really! For the record, I don't really get upset or mad, I believe in being polite to everyone. Sending messages, you never have to worry of saying the wrong thing, or me being mean to you. At 'worst', I may not reply to something that is uncomfortable. But I don't believe in public humiliation, or public shaming, or anything like that,. I don't want anyone to be afraid of me. My inbox is always risk-free.
I'm pleased if my thoughts have made you feel happier with analyzing the series ♥!
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Vent: Do you ever feel like you want to create, but you can not?
Do you ever feel like you want to create, but you can not? Not like you don't have ideas. I felt like many just floating in my head. I finally settled on "trying" to make a painting. I'm Asexual and wanted to do one of those really easy mountain paintings, but in the Asexual flag colors because it's pride month. I really like the background I did, but then I got to the mountains. Something was off. Small, but I tried fixing it. Then, something else was off. Small, but I tried fixing it. Just kept repeating over and over again. Until, I got frustrated and painted the canvas all greyish-black. I still tried to make it work, by scraping of the greyish-black top coat to say "Ace". Then, it happened again! I tried washing off the canvas in the sink. Now, it just drying somewhere with scratches and still purple paint on it.
I'm annoyed at myself because I'm supposed to be semi-good at this. This wasn't like my first time painting or anything. This SHOULD have been easy for me! I done harder paintings before! I'm not the worst, but I'm not THIS bad! I feel like how I'm like with all of my art now. I draw once in the blue moon even thought I have so many ideas in my head. I don't remember the last time that I wrote that WASN'T apart of a college class. This is stuff I LIKED to do! I STILL LIKE IT! I either don't have the motivation or get frustrated at myself for trying to have FUN! Ugh! Thanks to anyone who read this rant.
#vent post#vent#venting#art#art problems#vent blog#art blog#new blog#tumblog#personal vent#artist problems#writer problems#mental#painting#college#emotions#feelings#emotional#feeling#help
1 note
·
View note
Note
hii I love your blogs sooo much you're really talented (I just needed to say it sorry) so straight to the point, I already made 2 requests to you and I really enjoyed your writing so I would like to make another again. As I'm clueless about what to request I'll just ask for random hcs for konoha 11, idk if it's too much but if so then you can do with Neji (I love him so much), Kakashi and Naruto. Thank you in advance and sorry anything ^^
RANDOM KONOHA 11 HEADCANONS!
FEATURING: naruto, sakura, shikamaru, ino, choji, neji, rock lee, tenten, kiba, hinata, and shino
WARNINGS: mentions alcohol, drugs, food, bugs, and the tiniest nsfw mention if you get the joke. hehe
A/N: AHHHH ANONN this seriously made my day, im so so glad you enjoy my work!! 💖
NARUTO
you know how we all have “the chair”, where we throw all of our dirty clothes onto?
yeah, imagine that, but from the seat to the fricking ceiling
its just a GINORMOUS MOUND of clothes, you wonder how he even goes through that many clothes so quickly???
definitely shoves it under his bed whenever guests come over (somehow)
holds chopsticks really weirdly. but it works.
asked tenten to put his hair into space buns to mimic his sexy jutsu and went around flirting with the village
jiraiya was so proud of him T-T
comes up with the WORST pickup lines
they’re so bad, its almost charming. almost
has gone AWOL multiple times, disappearing from everywhere, just everywhere
it scared you a little, so you searched the entire village for him
you finally found him sitting on the ledge of a cliff, gazing out at the vast sea
concerned and panicked, you cried out to ask him what was wrong
he turned to you with a crestfallen, devastated look on his face and said,
“i bought shrimp ramen instead of chicken ramen.”
you’ve never searched for him after his disappearance ever again.
SAKURA
100% makes origami shurikens and chucks them at you
they are deathly precise and deathly sharp. seriously, how are these not illegal weapons yet???
writes threatening motivational notes to herself on the mirror
“u got this!” “make sure to smack naruto today!” “ino sucks!”
her backpack would always be way too high up on her back. idk why but. it would
does her hair all nice and pretty before she goes out but once she arrives to her destination SHE KEEP. TAKING. IT OUT. and redoing it over and over and over again
like it’s impossible to make eye contact with her because she’s holding a bobby pin between her teeth while braiding her hair
her guilty pleasure would be hostess treats
ding dongs are her favorite. don’t ask me how i know, i just know.
eats the yellow starbursts just to spite naruto and all her haters
loves small lap dogs, she think’s they’re so cute and cuddly
but she especially loves chihuahuas
they’re so feisty and naruto HATES them, so of course she had to go and get one for herself
dresses the poor dog up in little bonnets and jackets and ties its tiny fuzzy hairs into pigtails
she and the chihuahua are not that much unlike <3
SHIKAMARU
this man is a god at shogi but he absolutely SUCKSSSS at cup pong.
is this an ick? idk. but he is absolute trash at this game.
it gets even worse when he’s got a couple drinks in him
tries to calculate the velocity and acceleration and angle and shit but his shot is always a good two feet off BYE 😭
just mutters an “aw, shit” before awaiting his turn again
hates checkers, loves chess
“checkers is for WUSSIES” - shikamaru nara
i said this in another post, but he is Very Good at whistling
like that’s his hidden talent
can copy any tune with the perfect pitch and rhythm
speaking of, he can do really cool tricks with his tongue
like making a four leaf clover, touching the bridge of his nose with it, flipping it upside down, you name it
he has slanted, scrawled handwriting, to the point where it’s almost illegible
wbk he cheats in school SO OFTEN. but he never gets caught. he’s not stupid, he just couldn’t care less about his classes.
thinks weed and e-cigs are stupid, cigarettes are where it’s at
you just can’t replicate the feeling of taking a drag from a cig after a long, tiring day
plus he looks hella cool while doing it B)
INO
teaches the boyz™️ how to braid their hair
like they all gather in a circle around this feisty fashionista and fail attempt to braid their hair
sakura was just fuming in the sidelines
“OI, INO-PIG, THAT’S A DUTCH BRAID, NOT A FRENCH BRAID!!”
yeah, ino 🙄
the only one that can actually do it is neji because a) this man is talented af and b) he’s got the long hairrr
ino probably envies his thick, sleek hair because hE’S a bOy
also asks everyone for their blood type and zodiac signs and tells them if they’re compatible with her or not
and definitely judges you for your sign 😣
“oh, you’re a gemini? hmm, what a shame...”
makes bouquets for her favorite people and kin assigns everyone a flower
only assigns the pretty nice ones to the people she likes (sorry sakura, you’re out of luck)
one of her favorite hobbies is crafting! she’s really good with details and small things so she loves making those miniature dollhouses and stuff
also really good at watercoloring. especially painting flowers and landscapes
also i feel like she would be really good at playing any instrument because of her skilled hands
can play a badass flute solo. period.
CHOJI
would honestly rather die than get anywhere NEAR an asparagus
he just thinks they’re so gross and bitter and NOT SALTY
he always eats his yakiniku a little bit undercooked because he’s way too impatient to wait for it to cook fully. who do you think he is??
whenever he cloud gazes with shikamaru, when asked what he thinks a cloud looks like, he just says some sort of food
“oi, choji, what does that one look like to you?”
“a... yakiniku grill... with... pineapple rings on it! ooh, and a wagyu steak right there!”
he thinks pringles are an abomination to society. where’s the crisp? where’s the grease? where’s the saltiness?!!!
asks ino to teach him how to do his hair all fancy and the two of them devote an entire day learning different hairstyles
it’s his new favorite thing to do now :D
he really likes crayons!!!!
like he’ll write with them, draw with them, color with them, do everything with them
he’s even tried to eat them. he said they tasted good.
definitely had the 128 crayon pack WITH THE BUILT-IN SHARPENER, and everyone thought he was the coolest kid in town
he ate it UP, he even scored some bbq dates with the ladies
i also feel like he loves basketball, and he has a MEAN slam dunk
like his vertical isn’t that high, but the man can REACH
he loves when people laugh at him when he challenges them to a 1v1 and then proceeds to absolutely destroy them <3
NEJI
he seems like a cucumber kind of guy.
just cucumber
like i feel like he puts it in everything; soba, salads, sandwiches, his face, yeah
it’s mellow and cool, just like him!
speaking of, i feel like he lives for spa days and facials
it just lets him be alone in his little cucumber scented world for an hour or two and he gets damn clear skin from it as well
seriously he has PERFECT skin. flawless. not a single blemish. his cheeks feel like baby butts they’re so smooth.
i feel like he’d be a god at solving rubik’s cubes, don’t ask me why
like if anyone scrambled theirs on accident they would just take it to neji and he’d solve it in the blink of an eye
CAT PERSON!!! loves the little meow meows
who are we kidding, neji basically is a cat; agile, aloof, does silly things without trying to, very cute
he just feels akin to the little fuzzballs and he thinks petting cats are extremely therapeutic. good for the soul
he is a golf man. he would take his juniors golfing and everyone thinks he’s uncool. cmon neji let them go to the skate park at least T-T
also very good at karaoke, definitely surprised everyone once he got a few drinks in him since he started serenading you
LIGHTWEIGHT!!! do not get more than one shot of alcohol in him. he will go berserk.
i also feel like he’d really love photography; not taking pictures of people, but of nature
he loves taking a quiet stroll through a pretty forest and snapping pictures of all the unique flora and fauna
it’s so serene ︶ ‿ ︶
ROCK LEE
100% milly rocks everywhere
gai got in on it too once he asked what lee was doing
“is that what all the youthful cool kids do these days!”
they also dab together. a lot
DO NOT BE SEEN WITH THESE TWO!!! you are not associated with them.
definitely is the one breakdancing in the middle of the dance circle at a high school party
he’s mad skilled at it too
headspins and windmills galore
challenged naruto to a dance-off and completely OBLITERATED him
lee then asked if naruto wanted a rematch, this time with one hand tied behind lee’s back
naruto obliged, and he STILL lost
RIP naruto and his fangirls, they all scrambled to lee afterwards T-T
i feel like his favorite subject is science
not the boring physics equations and laws and theories but the fun EXPERIMENTS
definitely has singed all of his hair off one time and he went to gai blubbering to help him grow back his precious hair
but he loves experimenting with different combinations and chemicals to get different reactions each time
created a potent love potion and carried it around with him all day one day
and it was actually working
girls were flocking to him left and right, staring at his lips and his face
he was so abashed at the sudden attention
heck, it even worked on sakura
“oi, lee-san!”
“hehe, yes, sakura-san?”
her eyes shifted downwards to his lips and his heart thumped harder
“hey... lee-san?”
“what is it?”
“you have something on your lip. we’ve been trying to tell you all day but you just winked and blew kisses at us.”
legend has it lee has still not recovered to this day.
TENTEN
has THE prettiest handwriting. and she can write SUPER fast
it’s like a superpower
like she transcribed five pages of a report in less than two minutes with perfect handwriting
naruto is so jealous.
she is also super good at origami! those diligent, accurate hands aren’t just for throwing things
taught sakura how to make shurikens but does NOT endorse any violent uses of them
she can replicate all of her weapons with paper and they can actually function, it’s so cool
made paper kunai knives one day and the wholeee village wanted to get their hands on them
i feel like she’d listen to mitski. idk i just get those vibes
LOVES BIG DOGS!! especially fluffy wuffy samoyeds
like man’s best friend?? no, GIRL’S BEST FRIEND!!
hugs and cuddles and squishes all the big dogs
she thinks small dogs are spawns of satan
sakura and her have definitely quarreled over this
but at the end of the day, all dogs are adorable fur babies, so she lets it slide :,)
KIBA
kiba always looks SO GOOD in photos you take of him, candid or not
like you could just whip out a camera and snap a photo of him at any given moment and he would look perfect
you framed a picture of him yelling at akamaru for peeing inside the house
it’s pure artwork
i feel like he tries to swagger around with his hands shoved in his pockets but it fails MISERABLY and the girls are wondering if he broke his leg or something 😭
kiba just walk normally. for the love of god please just walk normally.
he tries to slump back in his chair really low but one time he slouched way too low so he slipped off of his chair and onto the ground LMFAOOOO
he just wallowed there... in shame...
also.. he LOVES when the girls put makeup on him!!
he tries to act like he hates it. but it secretly gives him so much confidence
not to mention the girls hyping him up are a huge ego boost
okay the inside of his jacket hood is the warmest. thing. EVER!!!
seriously, no wonder this dude is so happy-go-lucky all the time, he’s living in literal heaven 24/7
it’s like you’re sleeping on a cloud inside a warm, cozy bed during a cold winter morning
10/10 would recommend letting him give you his sweatshirt when you’re chillin with a hair tie ❤️
HINATA
always smells like lavender soap. always
also has the cutest pencil pouches with little puppy faces and kawaii things
oH and she has those mini yoobi highlighters, she thinks they’re so cute (and functional!)
everyone flocks to her to try them out and marvel at the cute tiny highlighters
and they try to steal them from her but she doesn’t even stop them because she’s too timid to 😭
naruto goes BALLISTIC over them
she lets him have all of them <3
tennis girl!!! tennis girl.
all of her opponents always underestimate her because she’s so timid and shy and quiet
but she has a KILLER serve
and then she takes her opponents to the slaughterhouse with a complete shutout ;)
she’s really athletic believe it or not, she can beat most of the boys in a mile run and she has incredible endurance
i feel like she really loves velvet scrunchies
she just thinks they’re so pretty and they keep her hair soft so they’re cute and functional
also takes the PRETTIEST notes!!
color codes, dividers, headers, you name it, it’s all super readable too its insane
everyone asks her for her notes, not to study but just to appreciate the pure artwork that it is ^w^
SHINO
shino is SO easy to prank
“how do you catch an eyemaster?” *cue naruto and kiba snickering*
“eyemaster bait. that is because—”
even when everyone’s laughing their asses off, he still continues to explain his answer since he does NOT GET THE JOKE
tried his hand at writing haikus
here’s his best one so far:
“Bugs are amazing. That is because they are bugs. Bugs are very nice.” - Shino Aburame
VERY proud of it, since it took him weeks to perfect
praise it, pls
had one of those ant farms and bug-catching kits as a kid
and he would fill the kit TO THE BRIM. LIKE IT WAS HEAVY BECAUSE THERE WERE SO MANY BUGS.
he loves the little chitters of the different bugs
he had jars of different bugs all lined up on a wall shelf in his room
collects silkworms off of trees and sticks them into his pockets (no i definitely did not do this as a kid...)
HELP I FEEL LIKE he would record a timelapse of his ant farm growing and upload it to youtube with a movie maker title screen that says
“my ants”
if you enjoyed this post, likes and reblogs are much appreciated :) feel free to request here, and make sure to read the rules first! have a lovely day everyone <3
#naruto#naruto x reader#naruto headcanons#naruto imagines#naruto uzumaki#sakura headcanons#shikamaru headcanons#ino yamanaka#choji akimichi#kiba headcanons#kiba inuzuka#hinata hyuuga#hinata hyuga#shino aburame#neji headcanons#neji hyuuga#rock lee#kiba imagines#shikamaru imagines#hc
554 notes
·
View notes
Text
A healing touch – Kaz Brekker x reader
Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 (final)
Pairing: Kaz Brekker x reader
Warning: OOC, mention of touch aversion
Summary: You trying to fight your motives to help Kaz, but maybe you should not?
A/N: I don't know what I'v done, but anyway :D. I promised some romance, so enjoy a little bit of it, guys, in the end of the chapter)
Masterlist
– I am so selfish.
You and Inej are sitting in your parents' bakery after the closing hours, waiting to finally come home.
Despite the girl's calm behavior, you always find yourself comfortable around her.
– Why?
– I wanted to help Kaz through his avertion, - you casts a look towards the kitchen, where your mother is, and lower your pitch. – But I only ended up with thinking about my own reasons.
– So you are in love with him!
– Shh! - you wave your hands at Inej for her loud voice, being afraid your mum will know about it. In that case you won't be able to shut that woman up. – Do you want everyone to learn about it?
– I'm sure, your mother will be happy-
– That is the reason, - seeing your friend's mischievous grin you realizes, your worst fear may come true. – My mum will talk about it for the whole time, if she knows.
– Knows what?
Your heart sinks down. Seems, you were so worried about your predicament, than didn't notice the entrance door opened silently behind your back. But Inej did for sure.
You turn around to face Kaz, your very handsome problem, as it appears. Now you know why Inej was smiling like this.
– We are closed, young man, - your mum comes out of the kitchen, but when she recognizes Kaz, her smile becomes wider – Oh, Mr. Brekker, come in. The oven is still warm, do you want something?
You fight the urge to hide somewhere and only whispers.
– Saints, it only becomes worse, - Inej holds back a laughter looking at you, your mother, and Kaz, who seems struggling the same problem as you.
He can deal with every freak in Ketterdam, but when it comes to your mother, the man is always confused.
– Uhm, no, thank you.
Brekker turns to both of you, looking at Inej. It is clear, that he doesn't come to see you, and it suddenly upsets you.
Inej only nods to you and stands to follow Kaz, while you is staring down in your empty cup. Suddenly a brief touch to your shoulder draws your attention.
You raise your glance at Kaz, who stands right beside you, rather close to you, you'd say. His hand is still on your shoulder, and his heat radiates from the palm even through the leather of the glove.
– I didn't thank you for your help last time.
You could never read his glance, it is always the same cold, collected expression, that you can't understand. Maybe, you are way too much mesmerized by Kaz Brekker to notice something else.
– It's fine, Kaz. You are welcome, - you hesitate, seeing his piercing eyes don't leave you. – And good luck your heist.
He nods silently and walks out. As soon as the door behind him is closed, you drop your head on the table with a loud grown. Why you can't just tell him how you feel? It will go two ways anyway. He will admit that it's mutual or not. No big deal, yeah?
– If I acted like you twenty three years ago, I would never marry you father, Y/N.
Yours mother's sympathetic voice rings somewhere above your head, but you don't want to argue with her.
– I'm not a sum of kruge for Kaz to be interested in.
– Mr. Brekker is only interested in kruge, because he doesn't have something more valuable, see?
You raise your head to her to see her smirking and lay it down again. Your mother can advise you whatever she wants, but it doesn't mean you have enough courage to do it.
You walk into the Slat, that is unexpectedly overcrowded for this time of the evening. Earlier this day a boy came to collect you to Kaz, as he was told, and that makes your heart flutter.
You haven't seen your friends for these two days, the heist they prepared was extremely important for all the Crows and you decided not to distract them.
On the first floor you notice Jasper and others, though Kaz isn't amongst them. You wave playfully to the guys, it is hard for you to hide, that you really miss them.
Jasper waves you back and nods towards upstairs.
– Kaz wanted to see you, Y/N.
With a brief nod you run to Brekker's room. After two short knocks you open the door, not waiting for a permission.
– Y/N, - a small smile hides in the corners of the man's lips.
– Should I congratulate you with the successful heist, Kaz? Everybody look so content.
He nods and extends his hand towards you. You come closer immediately noticing a small silver pendant on his palm.
– It's lovely, Kaz. Thank you.
– Are you sure? - his suspicious gaze follows you, you raise your brow trying to understand his question. – I mean, it was stolen-
Does he question his methods now, after all these years?
– I like it, stolen or not. Besides, you risked your safety to get it. So, I like it even more.
Taking it from his palm carefully, you realize Brekker's hands are without gloves tonight. Your decision, made some days ago, comes to your mind at the same time.
– Could you help me?
The man's gaze instantly finds yours, and you recognize a sparkle of panic inside. Any other day you would apologize for breaking his boundaries, but not now.
Kaz swallows and nods, after that you turn around letting him lock the pendant on your neck.
He is doing it so carefully, that you don't even feels the touch, but only his hot breathing on you neck. And it slowly drives you insane.
– Kaz, - once the pendant is locked you turn rapidly to face him, meeting his piercing blue gaze.
You know that this kind of proximity makes him uncomfortable, but you just can't help yourself to move an inch back.
You swallow and drop your gaze on his hand, that now is laying on the table just right next to you. Brekker's glance is watching you slowly moving your own one.
Your palm is inches from his, still you don't make a final move. You two are so close, Kaz can feel your breath on his cheek, and it gives him slight shiver down his spine. Pleasant or not, he can't decide.
– Kaz, - you call him once more, whispering. – I can help you with it.
– No one can, Y/N, - you don't need to be precise for him to know what are talking about. Brekker shakes his head, and you watches his weak grin disappeare.
– I will. Please, let me in, Kaz. I will not hurt you.
You are craving for his touch so badly, that it almost makes you shake with anticipation. But the man doesn't rush the moment.
You finally touch his wrist with you fingertips, Brekker flinches, but doesn't move away. Taking a silent permission you trace an invisible pattern on his arm, when his hoarse whisper reaches you.
– Stop, - he swallows hard.
– Kaz-
– Please, stop, Y/N, - you've never seen Kaz Brekker begged before, moreover you don't want him to hate you after this evening.
Your glances cross and you feel like you are unable to move. He is still a bit struggling with the effect of your touch, but something else is on the back of his mind.
– I've wanted to touch you for so long, - his voice runs goosebumps across your skin. – I even thought that ignoring you might help.
– Look at me, Kaz, - your hand flies to his chin, barely touching, slightly turning him to face you. – You can do this.
The man shakes his head with anger appering in his eyes. He doesn't blame you for trying, anyway, he tried too. But he does blame you for giving him this false hope.
– We need to try once more.
'We'. Kaz sighs. Isn't it worth trying? Isn't Y/N worth?
Your hand caresses his cheek as if he's made of glass. Brekker tenses, and you feel him ready to burst with swearing.
But to you own surprise, the man just exhales slowly, and after a second he slightly leans into the touch.
– See?
Y/N is warm, not like Jordie, Kaz feels it's radiating through his own skin now. The tingling on his cheek from your accident brushing leaves him a bit nervous. In a good way.
Y/N smells like cinnamon and baking powder, and Brekker loses a bit of his sanity from such proximity. He would never let anyone do the same with him.
But it's you. Kaz can make any deal, but he also can make an exception for Y/N.
– I think, it's enough for today, - you slowly take your hand from his cheek, afraid that it cam be too overwhelming for Kaz.
A faint smile lights up you face, and instantly it is reflected on Brekker's face.
– Ask Jasper to walk you home.
– I will be fine-
– No, I want you to be safe, - your breath is stuck in your throat. – So...good night.
– Good night, Kaz.
This stupid smile doesn't leave your face until you come home.
#shadow and bone#shadow and bone imagine#shadow and bone x reader#shadow and bone fanfic#shadow and bone fanfiction#shadow and bone x you#kaz brekker#kaz brekker imagine#kaz brekker fanfic#kaz brekker fanfiction#kaz brekker x reader#kaz brekker x you#six of crows x you#six of crows x reader#six of crows imagine#six of crows
183 notes
·
View notes
Text
— beck and call
pairings : yelena / fem reader
word count : 10.2k
tags : one-sided relationship, lowkey master / servant dynamic, eventual smut, mild body worship, dom / sub undertones, power imbalance
warnings : contains nsfw, mildly dub-con at some points, yelena being physically rough w you for disobedience
summary : serving as yelena's personal guard turned out to yield many unexpected consequences.
to say that you were unnerved by the task of guarding an anti-marleyan volunteer would be an understatement.
you hadn't quite digested the fact there even existed a world beyond the walls that had towered over you for your entire life, looming high in the sky like a reminder that you would be trapped, penned like an animal for the rest of your prospective future. that had been your initial motivation to become a soldier, to at least advance to a garrison position where you could have a taste of exclusive information regarding what lay beyond the stone and metal bearings. but in the final year of your basic training, everything had changed. there were talks of outlandish things, of traitors from another land that had hidden amongst the native people, talks of islands and foreign soil and something more than the confines of the walls.
upon graduating, you had ultimately chosen the scouting legion, seeing how the garrison was quickly being disbanded and the remaining soldiers that hadn't stepped into their early days of retirement were joining the aforementioned regiment. the benefits only seemed to become greater and greater with the extinction of titans, the whispers of allies and retribution and rebuilding a lost legacy of your people. but somehow, all that novel luster had become muted, completely darkened by the imposing presence of this singular individual seated before you. you had only been debriefed on their name and role in military operations before your assignment, leaving you worryingly unprepared for arguably the most important assignment of your career.
the sound of your name passing from your squad leader's lips grounded you, the formal introduction quickly drawing to a close as he relayed the information to the striking foreigner. "she will be your personal escort for the remainder of your stay. if you have any questions regarding the island, feel free to ask her at any time."
"wonderful." their voice was rich, smooth with confidence and underlined with something unfamiliar—it was the way their lips rounded out the first syllable, or perhaps the way they spoke from the depths of their throat.
you felt your back stiffen as they rose from their seat, somehow rising taller and taller, their stature reaching much higher than anyone you'd ever met. immediately, your right hand clamped into a fist, thudding over your heart as your left arm hooked behind your back, spitting out your full name and designation just as you had while saluting hundreds of times. "i'm incredibly grateful for this opportunity to occupy you. thank you for all that you and the volunteers have done for paradis."
you were shocked that your voice hadn't quivered with the way their eyes dragged down your body, grey and barren of any emotion besides a hint of intrigue, sharp features framed by short, fair hair. they were strikingly handsome, masculine yet feminine at the same time, an indiscernible sort of beauty that perplexed and enthralled you.
"no need to thank me, soldier." whether they were assuring or commanding you, you didn't know, only cognizant of how they nearly purred out your title. swallowing, you lowered your hands, standing at ease and forcing yourself to not look to your superior for encouragement.
"then i shall show you to your lodgings. please follow me."
you forced yourself to turn your back to them and take a step, then another, mentally counting them one by one until you reached the door. you could hear their heavy footfalls following behind you, the distance steadily beginning to close until you forced your own pace to quicken. on the silent walk out of the management building, you had found a speed that worked, one long stride of theirs equaling two of yours, leaving you straining to keep a comfortable yet polite space between the both of you. you risked a glance back, having to crane your head up to catch a glimpse of their face. they had been staring idly at the back of your head, meeting your eyes when you turned to briefly face them, the moment cut short by your own haste to fix your view back onto the path before you.
"how shall i address you?" you attempted to fill the cool void of discomfort that had suddenly settled in the air around you, shoulders tense and brow taut.
"anything works."
their answer offered nothing in return to your inquiry, the faint image of their face flitting across your mind. you hadn't looked at them long enough to commit their features to memory, but you had looked enough to remember their startlingly cold eyes, angular nose and full lips, sharp jaw and heavy brow.
"m-miss yelena?" you attempted, fighting the urge to nervously fidget or give away any sign of your unease.
"if it suits you." was their final reply before the two of you fell silent once again.
the lack of discussion persisted through the remainder of the journey, the only sounds occupying the space being the fall of your boots against the ground and the jingle of your keyring that you drew from your pocket to unlock the front door. you stood aside to hold it open as she walked in, feeling an odd sensation flutter in the pit of your stomach when she had to duck under the frame to enter. the housing itself wasn't extravagant, only a single open room with a desk, bookshelf, dresser, kitchenette, bed, and a small bathroom area to the side to occupy the space, the ceiling seeming much lower than it was due to yelena's formidable height. she looked out at the room, flicking a stray lock of hair out of her eyes, face neutral and inexpressive.
"how quaint," she turned to face you, a prick of unease making your posture pin-straight once again, "is there any reason they've put us volunteers away from the main soldier barracks?"
your mind suddenly went blank at the worst of times, unknowing of the exact answer but knowing you had to over something in response. "s-simply for your comfort. we wouldn't like it to seem as if we don't trust you to stay on your own."
"ah, so considerate of you." for the first time she smiled, a barely-there tilt at the corner of her lips that made your heart stutter, "then i'll be sure to make myself at home."
she stepped slowly over to the bookshelf, dragging her fingers over the backs of the books with an apparent interest. you stayed standing where you were, unsure if you should leave then or wait a bit longer for just the right moment. something about her presence was unnerving, but there was also an undeniable allure that you almost gravitated to, despite her being a stranger.
"do you need anything else?" you piped up, letting your hands link behind your back, fingers twisting together.
"not that i can think of." each word seemed scripted, as if she'd practiced this entire conversation a dozen times before it'd ever happened.
"then i'll be on my way." you shakily smiled in an attempt to seem put together, hoping that she didn't immediately see through the weak front, "i'll be back in a couple of hours to escort you to dinner."
you bowed and took your leave, almost desperate to escape her all-consuming gaze and find refuge outside her line of sight. but even after you'd shut the door behind you and stepped off the porch, well on your way down the path you'd taken, you could still feel how her eyes had examined every fine detail of your stance, analyzing every shift and subtle movement you made with a calculating look. deep down, you already knew that this position would be completely exhausting from the get-go.
─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
you had fulfilled your typical nightly routine—fetch yelena from her quarters to escort her to the cafeteria, go your separate ways and sit at your usual tables after getting food, finish your dinner with five minutes to spare in the dining hour to go inform yelena that it was time for her to wrap up her meal so you could take her back. she'd followed you down the usual path, now lit with newly placed street lamps that turned on after the sun sunk below the horizon and night fell. there had been nothing out of the ordinary, aside from the way the volunteer table had eyed you with a formerly absent intrigue when you came to speak to yelena.
that comfortable distance you'd kept between the two of you had slowly been narrowing over the last few days, a development which had peaked both your curiosity and your anxiety. while you still kept yourself a few paces ahead of her, you could feel how close her presence had become, an almost physical weight that settled itself over your back and urged you to walk faster and faster to escape its grasp. but you knew that she was all too good at reading your body language, somehow having familiarized herself with even the finest idiosyncrasies that incriminated you in just about a month, an understanding that had only grown deeper as more and more time had passed. although you felt as if you'd gained the upper hand for a few days when you realized that she always let a bit of emotion slip in her large, ashen eyes when you said something just enough out of the ordinary to catch her interest, any progress you thought you'd made was quickly squandered by her own advancements. today was no different, another morning and afternoon filled with dodging the occasional pervasive question from her about the simplest of things.
were you an only child? had you been closer to your mother or father when you were younger? did you join the scouts to explore the world or because you simply found no value in living out your life doing something different? they had started out with an ambiguous end-goal, but slowly evolved into even more unprofessional matters—attempts to provoke a discussion about your love life, what you might look for in a prospective partner, whether you wanted to settle down after you retired or stay unattached for the remainder of your life.
you always dodged, and she always let up for a while, lulling you into a sense of safety that was always broken by that same question again, worded differently but asking for an answer that was the same as the last. the more you ran from her company, the more she seemed to push it upon you, pleased when you would slip up and get flustered when she caught you off guard. so you held your ground this evening, even when your fingers quivered at the realization that she was practically peering over your shoulder, watching you unlock the door to her quarters with just barely enough space separating you to not feel her breath fanning down the back of your neck.
you quickly opened the door and began moving to hold it open for her like you always did, but felt a large hand resting at your shoulder, prompting you to quickly spin on your heel to face her. she was usually finished with her casual interrogating by this hour, which was why you were more than surprised to see that she was staring down at you, having lowered yourself to your level enough for you to not have to tilt your head completely back to meet her eye.
you took an instinctive step back, flinching at the sound of the door falling shut behind you, effectively caging you in between it and the woman before you. pale, dangerously alert irises traversed your expression, drinking in every small feature that had been drawn back into a confused look, stomach already knotting into a twisted tangle of warmth and icy panic.
"are you afraid of me?"
the immediate answer sat on the tip of your tongue, lips parting to deliver the lie you had ready for such an inquiry. but something in her eyes spoke to you, silently, warning you not to give into dishonesty. you couldn't possibly admit to still being fearful of her, not when you were meant to be the powerful one in this relationship. you weren't supposed to say yes, but you also found yourself unable to lie as you always did, not when the path you'd walked with her was still worryingly empty and you felt the hard wood of the door now pressing unforgivingly into your back with each minuscule step back.
"sh-should i be?" you cursed your stammer, betraying your evident lack of control, the only redeeming aspect being the non-committal implication that responding with another question held.
that seemed to throw her off a bit, owlish eyes slowly blinking at you as she thought. even up close like this, you couldn't identify a single flaw in her appearance—pale skin smooth like porcelain, unconcerned by any sort of natural imperfections, hair like fine silk and eyes piercingly bright, yet clouded like a stormy sky. you squeaked at a hand seizing your collar, right hand instinctively flying down to the scabbard strapped around your thigh, clammy palm shakily clenching around the hilt of your blade, the other clamping firmly around her wrist.
she only smirked at the presumed threat, pressing herself even closer to you, enough that you could feel the radiant heat of her lips just barely grazing your own. you suppressed the trembling threatening to shake through your every limb, beginning to feel lightheaded with the effort to contain your quickening breaths, swallowing down your dread, forcing yourself to meet her gaze when she spoke.
"if it suits you. it doesn't affect me either way, does it?"
you just barely shook your head side to side, not realizing you were rising up onto your tiptoes until she pulled you forward that last inch by your shirt, eyes falling shut as her lips melded easily against yours. an inexplicable warmth flourished in your chest, heart tripping up to match the frantic speed of your thoughts, fingers clenching around her slender, clothed wrist. you forced yourself back with a sharp intake of breath, backing yourself far enough into the door that you could feel the wood digging into the small of your back.
"m-miss yelena, you can't—!"
she didn't allow you to finish, tugging you back to your previous position with a low huff, the faint snap of a stitch popping somewhere on your collar going unregarded as you let out a small noise of surprise, wide eyes relenting and squeezing shut. a voice in the back of your mind screamed for you to draw your knife, push her away, force her into her quarters, anything but just standing there and allowing her to exert such a humiliating power over you. but it was so much easier to sink into her grasp, to feel her fingers slowly relax and hold you at a comfortable height rather than force you up, to allow the hot flush of an unknown intimacy to settle deep into your skin.
you'd been kissed before, it wasn't as if she stole your first chance from you, but it had never been like this. you had only brushed the surface of gentle pecks and lingering hands on the other's face until you both giggled and pulled away, never faced with such a certain confidence that almost frightened you more than it allured you, an unspoken order that left you at her mercy rather than on equal footing. and though you'd all but forgotten about your initial rejection, yelena had not, chastising you with a firm bite to your lower lip that drew a less-than-composed whimper from the back of your throat.
"i would advise you to not dictate what i can and cannot do in the future." she stated firmly, tone devoid of any personal inflection, barely pulling away enough for you to meet her stare, hand tightening around your collar once more, "understood?"
"y-yes, miss yelena." you barely whispered, nodding affirmatively. a flicker of amusement momentarily lightened her expression when you drew your tongue over the aching skin of your lips, the taste of faint copper and black tea clinging to your taste buds.
she slowly slackened her grip, not even so much as blinking as she straightened her posture and reached past you to open the door, allowing you a moment to scamper out of her path and pull your shirt back into place with trembling hands. "then, you are dismissed, soldier."
she didn't spare you a second glance before proceeding into her quarters, shutting the door behind her without another word. you stood dumbly for a moment, licking over your bottom lip once more, just then realizing how shallow and quick your breathing was. you steadied yourself enough to lock her door, shaking away the mental fog of such an abrupt change of scenery, pulling your jacket tighter around you to make up for the lack of her warmth pressing into you, confused as to why you had just allowed yourself to be ordered around by the individual that you were meant to be keeping in check. the walk back to your dorm was blurry at best, a few good-nights from your colleagues that prompted a hum of acknowledgement, thankfully nothing that required you to recount your daily fulfilled duties or anything past a few minutes prior.
even after you'd shed your clothes, pointedly ignoring how wrinkled your shirt front had become, cleaned yourself up and crawled into the isolated comfort of your bed, you found yourself unable to sleep. perhaps you could learn from this experience, remind yourself at all times to put even more distance between the two of you. maybe you would have to stop conversing with her so casually, or perhaps your best option would be to cut your losses and request an assignment change, consequences or record mark-ups be damned. but as you tossed and turned on your mattress, burying your face into your pillows and trying to rid your skin of any memory of her touch, a voice at the back of your head ceaselessly murmured, a rambled premonition of more turbulence to come.
─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
this day marked five weeks since the initial incident, there had been no activity like it since—although you couldn't say whether you thought that was a bad thing or not. not to say that you hadn't been keeping your distance, the first few days were spent cautiously looking over your shoulder, making sure to keep her even further than arm's length but still close enough to guarantee that she couldn't slip away on her own. she behaved respectfully enough, although she herself seemed to be acting as if nothing had even happened, greeting you like normal and allowing you to escort her to meals and strategy meetings when necessary, despite how she'd affirmed that you weren't to give her any orders.
you hadn't reported the infraction to any superiors, knowing that you would get caught up in an unnecessary fuss that might even get you stuck at the bottom of the ranking list once again, an unthinkable outcome that only made you sure that the right decision was to keep your mouth shut. the previous afternoon was the first time yelena had made a special request, describing how unfortunate it was that she was lacking just a few proper amenities that would really make her lodgings "feel just like home". your persistent hesitance had eased after the first week of safety, and you fulfilled your responsibility of maintaining her comfort by arriving early this morning, toting a small bag of a dark ground powder and cups.
you were surprised to see that yelena was already awake upon your arrival, seated at a table that looked far too small for her, reading one of the many books from her provided bookshelf. you exchanged polite greetings, her not rising from her place until you'd lit the fire beneath the stove and set out a plate and cup for her at the counter, stowing away the rest in whatever free space you could find. you stood by while she took care of making whatever it was she wanted herself, noting the fragrant richness that had filled the air upon her steeping the powder in heated water.
"they only serve black tea in the cafeteria," she said, speaking to no one in particular, plucking a ladle from the utensil rack, "it's been ages since i had a cup of coffee in the morning."
the heat of the stove was beginning to warm the room, prompting you to shed your jacket and place it on the back of the chair yelena had not been previously seated at. your shirt beneath it was more forgiving, a thin material that had always hung a bit loosely from your shoulders, great for the hotter days when you were still expected to be in uniform.
"have you ever had a cup of coffee?" her voice interrupted your meandering stream of thought, the sound of liquid being poured into a cup faintly catching your attention.
"no, i don't think i have."
"would you like to try some?"
the offer stoked the spark of bothersome curiosity, the scent filling the air and mingling with the ambient sound of crackling wood and the feel of the hot air making you want to accept. perhaps this was her way of making amends, or just doing something pleasant for the worker that she was made to follow behind like their second shadow.
"if it's not too much trouble, then.."
"of course it isn't."
you felt a light sweat beginning to bead down your back, pulling your handkerchief from your pocket and dabbing at your neck. this space wasn't properly suited for a stove to be used, seeing as the unlatching mechanisms on the window had been removed for the sake of thwarting any sort of curfew breaking by the volunteers, meaning there was little ventilation aside from the small chimney extending out of the kitchenette area. you stole a glance at yelena, now opening the cabinet that you had strained to reach with ease.
the memory of her hand fisting your shirt, the collar that now hugged just the slightest bit looser at the base of your neck, the long healed-over bite that had left the soft flesh of your lips feeling raw for the following few days. the external heat of the still burning stove was only intensified by the flush climbing up to your cheeks, the desire to release a button or two on your shirt and free some of your skin to the open air becoming undeniable. it felt a bit ironic that the one time you'd properly stepped into her quarters for more than a quick minute to help her get something sorted was the one time the tension that always hung in the air between the two of you was replaced by something tangibly suffocating, the sweltering heat that made you kick off your blankets in the dreary silence at night when the recollection of her kiss relentlessly looped in your mind and chased away any thought of sleep.
you hooked a finger on the collar of your shirt, gently tugging it to the side to absentmindedly press the soft cloth over the skin, wiping away any bothersome perspiration that would leave you uncomfortable by the time you were allowed to change out of your uniform and shower it away.
"what's that?" your eyes darted up at her question, catching sight of the two plated teacups in her hands before you met her gaze.
"i beg your pardon?" you asked meekly.
"that. at your shoulder." you glanced down to where your handkerchief had previously been.
"oh, do you mean this?" she nodded when you pointed to the raised line of skin marring your shoulder, a thick scar that you'd stopped fussing over after realizing that it was an inevitable outcome. "it's a scar," you clarified, tucking your personal cloth back in your pocket, "just about everyone in the military has the same one."
she didn't respond, but held your gaze as she proceeded to the table to set the cups down. you'd become more accustomed to these silent requests, and you knew that she was telling you to continue.
"you work with the equipment engineers, right?" she nodded. "then you've seen our harnesses. all those leather straps end up digging into our skin and leaving scars pretty much all over. although, i did practice on the omnidirectional gear a bit more than all the other recruits during basic training to increase my proficiency, so mine may be deeper.."
you tensed as she approached, slow, deliberate steps steadily closing the distance between the two of you until she was right in front of you. she had started stooping down more often around you, only when she was directly addressing you alone, but it was something that you noticed all the same. a part of you wanted to feel offended, that she thought it necessary to lower yourself to your level as if you were beneath her in a way besides physical stature, but you couldn't deny that you enjoyed the exclusive treatment. she never seemed concerned with doing any sort of thing with anyone else—not with her colleagues, not with other soldiers of or below your ranking, not with any of your own superiors, only you. in a way, it made you feel acknowledged.
"could i see?"
"huh?" was your unprofessional response, but she didn't allow you any time to correct it.
"your scars. where else do you have them?"
"oh." you swallowed, forcing yourself to look up into her steely eyes, "well, i have them on the soles of my feet, and around my thighs, mostly around my torso."
a hand on your abdomen made your back go stiff, her touch pressing lightly over your shirt. "here?"
you nodded, small and timid before her, a trickle of sweat beginning to slide down your back. you realized that you had never had to look down at yelena, not until this present moment where she had knelt down on one knee in front of you, holding your gaze for just a moment before she undid a single button from the bottom of your shirt, glancing up at you as if to check for any sign of refusal before she undid another, then another.
there was nothing forceful about her motions today, nimble fingers patiently unfastening each clasp with care until your shirt revealed your midsection. one slender hand pulled aside the cotton fabric, the other reaching out, just barely grazing the skin of your stomach where the long, pale scar from your utility belt stretched horizontally across your body. her fingertips were warm from handling the kitchenware, but the shiver that crawled up your spine was cold, almost electric, a strange sensation squeezing around your heart and lungs, making each breath quicker than the last.
"was it painful?" she asked quietly, a tinge of earnesty lining her words, features entirely relaxed as they always were.
you let out a breath you didn't know you'd been holding, voice barely reaching a whisper. "yes."
she focused her eyes onto the marred skin, following the raised line of flesh to your sides, brow cinching upwards the slightest bit at the sight of another carving down your waist, following the curvature of your ribs.
"what resilience.." she murmured, free hand returning to undo the remaining buttons of your shirt, "determination is such a beautiful trait, don't you think?" her eyes flitted up to meet yours, sharp and observant, fingers gingerly wrapping around your waist, thumb stroking down your lumbar. "for most, i have to hear it in their voice, or through their words—but it has always been different with you." she pulled a button free. "i see it in your eyes, the way you carry yourself, it's written all over your body." another undone button, you could feel the warmth of her breath fanning across your stomach, the graze of her fingertips tracing up your side and halting at the cloth wrappings over your breasts. "are there more under this?"
your knees felt a few flattering words away from buckling, each gentle touch making the fine hairs on the back of your neck stand on end. you nodded, lips parting to take in a much-needed deep breath, realizing that your shirt was now completely open, exposing the entirety of your scarred torso aside from what remained covered by your chest bindings. your fingers curled into your palm, trembling, just then noticing how soft yelena's hands were in comparison to your own, absent of callous and work-roughened skin. you bit at the inside of your cheek, blinking down at her as you watched a thin finger trace the seam of the cloth, finding the tucked end within moments and gently pulling it free.
a few loud knocks at the door were startling enough to make you jump, head snapping to the side to face the front of the house, a muffled call of your last name from the other side making an anxious knot twist painfully tight deep in your gut. you quickly stepped away, leaving yelena kneeling on the floor, struggling to button up your shirt without even bothering to fix your chest cloth. as soon as you'd gotten yourself situated, you opened the door to find your squad leader awaiting you on the other side.
"is everything alright? breakfast started five minutes ago."
you hoped that the disbelief on your face could be taken as the expression of someone who had simply lost track of time. "i apologize, sir! m-miss yelena put in a request for marleyan coffee yesterday, and i was simply waiting for her to finish before i escorted her to the cafeteria."
you forced yourself to stay composed, trying to focus on the impassive face of your squad leader. there was a stark difference between the emotionlessness of yelena and that of everyone else around you, she somehow made her lack of any sort of feeling or warmth a beautiful kind of coldness, unlike the unnatural stoicism of your superiors. you saw his mouth open to reply, but you were both surprised by a sudden presence behind you, a firm hand at your shoulder, his eyes moving from looking down at you to looking up at the woman behind you, a flicker of genuine unease flitted across his hardened features.
"please don't fault her for my lack of punctuality," she said, a false sincerity lightening her usual low tone, "i simply wanted to enjoy a taste of home, is all. is my presence imperative?"
"i was only making sure everyone was accounted for." your squad leader asserted, staring up at her in an obvious attempt to intimidate that you knew would fail, "as long as you're being properly monitored, do as you please."
"understood." her fingers curled around your shoulder, gently urging you back, away from the door, "then i won't dawdle any longer, i'll join you all in the cafeteria momentarily."
yelena shut the door for you as soon as you took a step back, waiting until the steps of your squad leader had descended off of the porch and disappeared down the path before speaking to you. "i do hope i didn't get you in trouble."
you turned on your heel to face her, feeling a slight flutter in your chest at the sight of her already having lowered herself to your height. "oh, no, you don't have to worry about that.. he's always been a bit on the uptight side of things."
the corners of her lips perked up into the faintest smile before she proceeded back to the table, pressing a finger to the side of one of the teacups. "the coffee's gone cold now. my apologies for the distraction."
distraction, the wry thought flitted across your mind. you guessed that word was suitably to describe allowing her to nearly undress you before the sun had even fully risen in the sky. this was becoming a dangerous game, an ever-lengthening round of cat and mouse, and each day that passed made your more and more certain that you were the one who was running despite your inherent position of power over her. there was something absolutely captivating about her, whether it be the air of mystery that no amount of questions could dispel, or the way that she could practically bring you to your knees with just a few careful words—the more thought you put into it, the more instances of appeal that you seemed to find that only made you want to sink deeper and deeper into the depths that was her subtle control over you.
"i just don't want us to arrive late and miss out on anything." you said lamely, empty words to fill the air as you moved across the room to grab your jacket.
"perhaps another time." she replied, removing the dishes from the table to deposit them in the sink, leaving you with that sole promise that insinuated much more than just another cup of coffee.
─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
"miss yelena, i don't know if we're allowed to be in this section of the building—"
"no one has stopped us yet, have they?" yelena didn't turn back to address you, only continuing forward with that long stride that took two quick steps of your own to match.
she was correct in the regard that no one had questioned her presence in the west wing of the management building, and the few that had begun to object stopped immediately upon catching sight of you following obediently behind her. you felt a bit like a prop, being used as almost a badge of clearance by the one and only individual that you were meant to keep from unauthorized locations such as this one. but her flat assertion that she had important business that gave you nothing in the way of information of direction before she'd taken off for the barracks, leaving you only able to chase after her and hope that no one figured out that she wasn't supposed to be there in the event that she truly wasn't meant to be.
you didn't have long to ruminate on your circumstances before you arrived at a door flanked by a single soldier, a young man that you recognized as someone affiliated with the more well-known soldiers from the 104th graduating class. though you didn't recall his name, you nodded politely to him as he opened the door for yelena, trailing closely behind her while still trying to peek around her slender frame. it was one of the smaller meeting rooms, a large window providing a fair amount of natural illumination down onto the round table, the sole occupant being another one of the anti-marleyan volunteers.
"glad to see you could make it." onyankopon smiled broadly up at yelena, his warm gaze flitting to you momentarily before traveling back to his associate, "no trouble, i assume?"
"none at all." she replied as she took a seat at the head of the table, looking as if she belonged there more than any of the superiors you'd seen seated there, "this one made sure no one interrupted our trip."
you flushed at the praise, standing pin straight beside her chair, hands lowering from behind your back to at your sides, trying not to let the enjoyment of her commendation show on your face. he turned his attention to you, inspiring a quick skip of your heart, fingers tapping nervously at your thighs.
"it's great to hear that yelena has been treating you well." he said matter-of-factly, but a cocked eyebrow and tilt of his head seemed to request a verbal confirmation of his statement.
you blinked, your words catching in your throat as your eyes involuntarily glanced to yelena, an instinctive desire to hold your tongue in the face of speaking about her, an odd sort of insecurity concerning your character flaring in your chest. but that split second of silence was all that she needed to take up the task of answering onyankopon, planting an elbow down on the tabletop and resting her chin in her palm.
"i have been treating her well." she affirmed, almost sounding bored, tilting her head to address you as she reached out and took the hand of yours that was closest to her, drawing it close to her face as she examined your expression, "isn't that right?"
you swallowed, mouth dry, nodding at yelena before remembering that you were meant to be answering onyankopon. "oh, y-yes. miss yelena has been very easy to work with."
pale eyes glimmered at your positive answer, mouth twitching upwards into that rare, barely noticeable smile. you felt your heart jump into your throat as she brought her lips to your knuckles, planting a soft, brief kiss over the back of your hand before gently placing it down at your side. she looked at you as if she knew exactly what you were thinking, like she could hear that unspoken worry of whether she should be doing this in front of her colleague, like she was giving the silent reply that she could do as she pleased.
"then, shall we begin?" onyankopon's voice brought you back to the present, shooting you another momentary glance before fixing his eyes on yelena.
"oh, right." she turned back to you, "be a dear and leave us for a moment to chat."
the mix of confusion at her request and surprise at the affectionate title halted your thoughts. "i'm sorry, miss yelena, but i don't think i'm allowed to do that."
your heart sank as you watched a look of annoyance draw across her features, large eyes narrowing, brow knitting together. she didn't speak for a moment, almost like she was waiting for you to take back your refusal and head on your way without any further discussion. when you did neither, she frowned, reaching out her hand once more, her fingers drawing up your palm to wrap around your wrist.
you nearly yelped as she clinched her grasp almost painfully tight, thumb pressing down hard over the bone at the side of your wrist, nails digging in your skin. her voice was low when she spoke, dangerously commanding and castigating, each word carefully enunciated.
"i said go."
only after you'd earnestly nodded did she release you, allowing you to scamper out of the room, blinking away the tears that had begun to well in your eyes from your stinging skin and the way she'd spoken to you. you took your place at the side of the door unoccupied by the soldier you'd seen before entering, fingers shakily tracing over the underside of your wrist.
though you weren't bleeding, the skin felt raw and irritated, your pulse racing fast in your veins. perhaps it wasn't so bad that you'd left them in there on their own, seeing as the older, more experienced guard was also standing by, well aware that there was no one monitoring them in the meeting room. so you obediently stood and waited, straining to make out coherent words from their muffled voices, contemplating why seeing yelena upset with you was so distressing.
why had you allowed her to order you around? why had you even complied with her demands instead of outright refusing like you were supposed to? why were you worried that she would still be angry with you by the time she walked out of that meeting room? you couldn’t understand what concerned you so deeply about what yelena thought of you, but somehow, the overbearing silence of the empty hallway made it even more difficult to wrap your head around your thoughts. you were so wrapped up in your panicked attempt at contemplation that you didn’t even notice the sound of their footsteps approaching from the other side of the door, only torn from your mind when the door opened from beside you. the two marleyans emerged, laughing affably together, exchanging temporary farewells until they could see each other at dinner that evening.
you looked up at her anxiously, wishing she’d spare you a glance for even just a moment instead of keeping her gaze fixed on the only other individuals populating the space. you hid your hands behind your back rather than in your pockets, knowing that it’d look horrendously unprofessional. but before you could worry about anyone catching sight of the reddened marks, the familiar soldier addressed you directly.
“i do look forward to working more closely with you in the future, i don’t believe we’ve met before. ” he said, outstretching a hand for you to shake, “floch forster.”
you quickly tugged the sleeve of your coat over your injured wrist, grasping his hand and giving a firm up and down, only offering your own name and a polite nod in return. you didn’t exactly know what he meant by working together in the future, but you assumed that it was in reference to your shared position of personal guards to marleyan volunteers.
you tensed at the familiar weight of a hand on your shoulder, feeling a firm squeeze that you knew all too well. “then we shall be going now. come.”
you immediately complied, giving a brief goodbye to the two men before proceeding quickly behind yelena, practically at her heels as the two of you walked further and further down the hall, shrouded in another bout of tense silence. you escorted her out of the building without issue, through the barracks and all the way to her lodgings, receiving nothing in the way of assurance or acknowledgment the entire way.
you wanted to speak up for yourself, ask if she was angered with you, anything to fill the quiet void, but you couldn't bring your mouth to push the words free. you hoped that she'd at least offer you her usual goodbye, as inherently lifeless and out of polite necessity as it may be, but it didn't come even as you unlocked the door to her quarters and held it open for her to enter, not even turning back before she sat herself at her desk and got to work on the clutter of papers occupying it.
you left her, feeling strangely heavy with defeat, unable to focus on anything for long before your mind strayed back to her upset expression, or the physical evidence of her displeasure with you. over the next hours, you constantly checked your watch, counting down the minutes to dinner, to when you'd be able to justify being in her presence and hopefully receive some sort of indicator that you were in the clear. you'd always been someone who did what was asked of you, a people pleaser—but there was something different about the inclination you felt towards yelena. it wasn't the kind of obedience that you gave to your superiors, she wasn't anything close to your superior in a technical sense, but somehow it felt natural, a servitude borne out of free will rather than one determined by ranking.
you knew you hadn't done anything wrong by denying her initially, but yet you still hoped for her forgiveness.
─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
you quivered at the feeling of her lips sucking at the already marked skin of your neck, thighs squeezing tighter around her waist, her nails digging deep enough into them that they nearly threatened to tear the fabric of your pants. you swallowed down yet another moan, one hand working its way deeper into her short hair, the other clenching tightly to the fabric of her barely-buttoned dress shirt. your soft, shuddering breaths filled the space of the open air around you, the fear of knowing your squad leader was just outside the door waiting for a reply, adjacent to the wall that she'd pushed you up against despite your meek warnings that dinner would be starting any minute now, was almost tangible in your stomach.
she pulled away from the reddened flesh with a low hum, nipping at your ear as she demanded, "make him go away."
you barely nodded, eyes screwing shut when she began yet another bruising assault to your shoulder, not even giving you enough time to collect yourself and speak. "i apologize, s-sir. miss yelena wasn't f-feeling well, so i brought her meal h-h-here instead of escorting her to the cafeteria..!"
you nearly whimpered as her teeth sank into the soft junction between your neck and shoulder, silently praying to any higher power that may be listening for your superior to just leave already. "understood. please return the plates to the cafeteria before they close up and make it to the dormitories before curfew."
"y-yes, sir..!"
you could barely count his descending steps down the porch over the sound of your own blood roaring in your ears, only completely assured of his absence when she sighed against your skin, soothing the ache with a few apologetic licks, pressing her lips everywhere they could reach. you often found yourself recalling the first time this had happened, when the two of you were sitting at the table in her quarters and she had been apologizing for the day she'd ordered you out of the meeting room. you could still remember how her touch had trailed from stroking at your wrist, crescent nail prints still occupying your skin, to cupping your face, drawing you close to kiss her again and again—the heat of her proximity, how her hands had felt and caressed every inch of your body, whispering a breathless, endless stream of praises into your ear as you came apart under her.
though you had vowed to yourself that wouldn't allow it to happen again, that that night would be your first and only instance of giving into that weakness she'd slowly but surely carved into you, but you found yourself sinking into her arms when she beckoned you, sewing the buttons of your shirt back into place without complaint after the nights where she had become impatient and accidentally popped them free, staring at your naked body in the mirror after your long showers and tracing your fingers over the bruises she'd sucked and bitten into your tender skin.
she only marked you in places where you could hide them beneath your clothes, places which assured that she would be the sole individual to see them when she stripped you bare, only to add more and more. there was no set time between those late evenings, sometimes the interval would be less than a few days, and other times it would stretch out for weeks with no indication as to when the next occasion would come. but when it did, any semblance of self-restraint had completely diminished.
"you're such a good pet for me.." she cooed, her words sending a warm spark through every inch of you.
she'd become fond of calling you that, and a part of you wondered if that was all she saw you as, as only a pet or a possession. you'd accepted that she had the upper hand in this relationship, whatever it may be, but you couldn't help enjoying the feeling of being desired so deeply, being touched and admired in ways you'd never even imagined before you met her. your arms clasped tighter around her neck as she pulled you away from the wall, laying you out on her bed, taking a moment to strip out of her shirt before lowering herself on top of you.
her hands busied themselves ridding you of your chest wrappings, lips attentively traversing each inch of newly revealed skin, murmuring curses and sweet nothings that only made you squirm more beneath her, impatient and eager. you mewled when she'd finally settled her hands over her bare breast, large palms pressing into soft flesh, slender fingers pinching at your nipples. she turned her head up to kiss you, tongue outlining the seam of your lips before sliding into your mouth, claiming it as her own.
you were left panting when she pulled away despite its briefness, hazy, low-lidded eyes finding her own, intoxicated by that carnal look, dark pupils nearly overtaking the piercing grey of her irises. she only smirked at your lack of composure, dipping her head back down to suck and bite at the valley of your breasts, your fingers reflexively tightening in her hair. your hips bucked up into nothing, desperate for any sort of friction, much to yelena's amusement.
"aren't you just the neediest little thing?" she paused to lave her tongue over a pert bud, drawing another heated sigh from you as you nodded, hoping that your agreement could persuade her to not spend so much time teasing you.
she granted you the slightest relief, taking your nipple between your lips and sucking at it, the hand not occupied with another breast trailing down the scar etched into your side, following the path down to your navel to begin unbuttoning your pants. each second seemed to drag on longer than the last, and though you knew that she wasn't purposely drawing out the process of undressing you, it was still not enough. you were practically kicking your underwear to the floor by the time they made their way around your ankles, skin still burning hot despite being fully exposed to the air.
"p-please, miss yelena.." you whimpered at the feeling of her hand tracing up and down your inner thigh, occasionally stopping to stroke across the raised lines of skin that had been inscribed into your skin by the series of belts and buckles on your gear harness, but never proceeding that final inch up to where you needed it.
she pulled away to let out a low chuckle, peering up at you through dark lashes, bare chest pressed flush against your stomach. she drank in the way your face shifted as she rested the pad of her thumb over your clit, rubbing languid circles over it as her pointer finger dipped down your cunt, instantly slick with your arousal.
"you're so worked up from just that?" she taunted, speaking at barely a murmur, "or was it because somebody was listening?"
you felt the knot of anticipation drawing tight in the pit of your stomach, watching as she took her fingers in her mouth and licked over them, thighs shuddering when she returned to their previous position. "i-it was— i j-just— please.."
you could barely form a coherent thought, back arching up to urge your body as close to hers as you could manage, only cognizant of just how close you were to being relieved of that unbearable pressure welling within you. she only smiled, close-lipped and cunning, resting her head over your heaving chest.
"your heart is racing. i wonder how much faster i could make it go.."
you nearly whined as two fingers slid into you with little resistance, her mouth closing over a nipple, alternating between gently tugging at it with her teeth and flicking over it with the tip of her tongue. your hips rocked up into her hand, matching the pace of her wrist as your head dug back into the mattress, moans and incoherent pleas spilling from your parted lips.
you could feel yourself quickly approaching that rapturous peak, hands fisting the sheets under you, white stars blotting out your vision as she curled her fingers just right. you shuddered, gasping, eyes rolling aimlessly into the back of your head as the tension that had wound itself into every muscle finally released, coming completely undone beneath her. you pressed a shaking hand over your mouth, muffling the sound of your winded breaths, letting out a small noise when she relieved you of her fingers. you felt her lips grazing over your chest, forcing your head up to look at her with bleary eyes when their feather-light touch proceeded lower and lower down your stomach.
you had expected things to come to an end as they usually did, with her pulling her clothes back on before you even had the chance to see straight and gathering your own garments from the floor to hand to you, leaving you to walk back to your dormitories on trembling legs in your wrinkled uniform. but there was no sign of that immediate withdrawal as she gathered your thighs in her hands, lifting your legs up onto her shoulders as she pressed a brief kiss over your naval.
you licked your lips nervously, already more than too sensitive at just the feeling of her breath over your soaked cunt. you opened your mouth to meekly object or ask for just a moment longer to catch your breath, but she shushed you, her heavy-lidded gaze sending a fresh bout of heat across your skin. each little quiver of your thighs only made her grip fasten, unable to keep still as she kissed at the scars and soft flesh, drawing a stifled whimper when she stopped to suck a deep mark at a spot of untarnished skin.
you could see the pale expanse of yelena's back, pristine and absent of any previous traumas, the complete opposite of your own. the first time you'd see her undressed, you couldn't take your eyes off of her slender frame, lined with muscle from her days as a soldier but still so delicate. you'd never left any marks when she'd allow you to kiss at her neck and chest, only enough to see the rosy flush settle over her body, but by that time she was more than eager to get back to playing with you instead.
you took in a deep, unsteady breath, jaw clenching and stomach tightening as her tongue drew flat up the length of your cunt, a small moan breaking from your parted lips. she pressed forward, flicking the tip of her tongue over your clit in a merciless rhythm, holding your thighs apart to accommodate her presence each time they attempted to squeeze shut. you writhed over the sheets, her name slipping from you between high-pitched whines and labored breaths, minutes melting past in an incomprehensible blur, leaving you only cognizant of her tongue and hands dragging you back over that edge again and again.
by the time she'd released you, you could barely hold your eyes open, thighs aching from her fingers digging into them, throat raw from crying out for her and gasping in what never seemed to be enough air, feeling too exhausted to even think about making the walk back to your own room. but rather than hand your clothes to you in a silent cue for your departure, you watched her make her way back up the mattress to lay beside you, pulling your heavy, sweat-slicked body against her own. you couldn't try to refuse the comfort of her warmth, face pressing into her chest, breathing in her soft, clean scent, still occasionally trembling as you tentatively allowed your hands to cling to her.
you told yourself not to get comfortable, to try to regain control of your limbs by the time her sympathy for overworking you had worn off and she ordered you away for the night, but the demand never came. you felt a large hand settle at the base of your neck, another splaying across the small of your back, her chin resting on the crown of your head, holding you close like a lover would.
"you could stay for the night if you'd like." her tone was even and collected as it always was, but hushed, like she was murmuring a secret to you.
you knew that sleeping her had already far overstepped whatever boundary had been abandoned that night she'd first kissed you, the morning where she'd marveled at your body and commended your courage, every instance you'd obeyed her rather than carry out the simple orders you were given. it was already too late to tear yourself away from this presence that you'd grown so familiar with—the one that you had feared, the one that you now craved despite how you knew you shouldn't.
"thank you, miss yelena." you whispered hoarsely, curling into her, allowing your heavy eyes to close.
that would be the first and last time you ever spent the night in her quarters.
─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
the banquet to celebrate the completion of the rail system in trost was minutes away from commencing. the speaking podium was empty for the moment, soldiers and civilians chattering amongst themselves as they waited for the military officials to gather at the stage. you were authorized to be in the private area as yelena's personal escort, seeing as she had participated in the mapping of the railroad through the district and would be acknowledged as a contributor to the advancement of paradis.
but as excited as you were to celebrate, eat good food and hopefully get a chance to drink, you weren't looking forward to transferring your position to floch forster for the remainder of the night. although, your desire to stay by yelena's side had been momentarily dissuaded by the desire to please her when she'd requested the change a few days prior. you hadn't bothered to hide your disappointment, nor did you hold back your questions.
"change to forster? but.. why?" you had asked, in the privacy of her quarters, feeling an immediate disheartening at her words.
she didn't directly respond, the hand that had been at your shoulder rising to pet at your cheek. "you trust me, don't you?"
"y-yes, but—"
"then file a request to change with him."
you couldn't explain why you had felt such a cool emptiness burrowing into your chest, a sudden spite for the other soldier beginning to fester in the back of your mind, the thought that she would choose him over you inspiring an indescribable irateness. you turned away from her hand, not thinking of how you were pouting like a child, unwilling to meet her eyes or compromise with her. you'd been fretting over how she hadn't spared you any sort of affection in the nearly two months that had passed, the fear that she'd grown tired of you an incessant whisper in your ear. but then she had reached for you, treated you gently, persuading with that hint of sincerity she rarely ever showed you.
"it would only be for the evening, i have business to attend to that night. i'm sure you've been looking forward to the celebration?" a frown tugged at your lips, only offering a small nod in reply, meeting her eyes when she guided you by your chin to face her. "then transfer with forster, have fun for the evening—you deserve it."
you couldn't help but preen under her praise, meeting her eyes, heart stuttering at the sight of her barely-there smile. you finally caved after a moment of thought, relenting to her wishes. "i'll put in a temporary transfer request tomorrow afternoon."
"thank you, dear."
despite how you weren't exactly looking forward to forster's arrival to relieve you from duty, those final words lifted your spirits just the slightest bit. perhaps she had simply been caught up in the stress of such a grand achievement, too busy attending meetings with engineers and generals and event staff to make any spare time for you for the past weeks. you had waited for weeks before, you could continue waiting if need be. you were at her beck and call, and as long as it pleased her, you were perfectly fine doing as such.
you let out a soft sigh at the sigh of floch forster approaching, weaving through the scattered crowd with a stoic, dutiful look plastered across his expression.
"good evening, floch." yelena said from beside you.
he replied with a polite good evening to both you and her, adding your name as more of an afterthought than anything, but turning his focus back to you when you still hadn't stepped away. "you can go, i'll take it from here."
your gaze flickered over to yelena, feeling yourself relax as she nodded to you, a hand resting at your shoulder to gently urge you forward. "i'll see you tomorrow morning. enjoy yourself tonight."
so you took your leave, watching the ceremony in the company of your fellow soldiers, eyes always wandering away from the speaker and to yelena at the side of the stage. the speech concluded, the crowd cheered and applauded, and everyone was directed to the banquet hall where the remainder of the event would be held. you watched yelena and floch walk off the stage with the other officials, becoming distracted for just a moment speaking to someone but having lost sight of them by the time you looked back.
you didn't see yelena for the remainder of the night, but you did as you were told, enjoying the good food, talking to your friends, avoiding any alcohol in preparation for your usual early morning. it was all over quite quickly, and the next morning came and went, business as usual for the remainder of the next few days—then came the news of eren jaeger's disappearance, then the plans of the all-hands-on-deck operation that was to be the retrieval effort for the young man, the entire scouting branch thrown into overdrive.
and, though you never mustered the courage to ask, you felt a sinking feeling deep inside, that yelena's nightly errand with floch and eren's absence were somehow connected, that there was much more going behind the scenes that you couldn't even begin to fathom.
just wanted to give u guys a little gift for my birthday (´･ᴗ･ ` )
#yelena#snk yelena#yelena x reader#yelena x reader smut#aot x reader#snk x reader#snk x y/n#snk x you#aot x you#aot x reader smut#snk x reader smut#yelena brainrot#shingeki no kyoujin x reader#shingeki no kyojin fanfiction
381 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
olivegc
OLIVEGC
csasurvivoroftheday-blog
This blog is a safe space for CSA Survivors of all kinds
oussamabouacheria
Cachotier
osvaldvanstein
Calculations Complete