Oh hey it's April 2023 that means that it's my ghost child's 10th birthday! Happy birthday ghost daughter, I'm so glad you don't exist although I'm sure you would have been a lovely kid.

Ranking JJK Characters I Don't Like

Ranging from mild dislike (14) to LOATHE WITH EVERY INCH OF MY BEING (1).

14. Mai: I don't hate her. I sympathize with her. I just wish she wasn't the way she is.

13. Junpei: I do have compassion for him, but ... school shooter vibes. Not a fan.

12. Noritoshi: Bad vibes.

11. Toji: Bad dad. And he's so nosy, too. Why does he always insert himself into situations with his fists swinging? Actually, now that I think about it, that's kind of iconic behavior. But all it ever really did was create more problems. If he had never inserted himself into the plot, Geto would have probably never turned mass-murderer-cult-leader--WE COULD HAVE HAD EVERYTHING. So it's a pass for me. Also, his haircut is off-putting for reasons I cannot articulate. It's like one day in middle school he got a haircut and just never changed up the style ever again.

10. Jogo: Ugly.

9. Uraume: Character design: slay. Helping Sukuna: not slay.

8. Like every adult from the Zenin clan: BECAUSE THEY SUCK.

7. Tengen: Old and entitled.

6. Kenjaku: Old and entitled part two. What gives him the right?

5. Sukuna: Horrid, nasty man. I feel like I shouldn't have to elaborate.

4. Ui Ui: Annoying. Literally, why are you even here?

3. Mei Mei: First of all, how am I supposed to take you seriously with that stupid braid hanging in front of your face? From the very instant her character was introduced, I did not like her, but I thought maybe I was being a woman hater for no reason, so I really did try to tolerate her. But when we finally saw that scene in season two. PRISON!!! I was right. She's the worst. We are not gonna ignore that. Check her files.

2. That thing with the blond side ponytail: I hate him so much I don't even know his name. I don't care to know it. I would say why do you as a man look like that, but honestly why do you as a HUMAN BEING look like that? Why do you act like that? Why are you skipping around wearing a poorly made DIY toga? Whole nip is hanging out, and no one asked to see that. Why are you HOLDING HANDS with your blade? Freak. There is something so intrinsically, inherently, ONTOLOGICALLY wrong with him, you can't even blame it on childhood trauma or a personality disorder. The only time I ever supported Sukuna was when he bullied this emaciated Jo Jo Siwa lookin' thing in Shibuya.

Mahito: I hate him so much. I hate him more than I've ever hated any character. I actually lose the ability to speak coherently when I think about him because I hate him so much. I think it's so cringe when try-hard dudes say, "When I'm angry all I see is red." But when I think about Mahito it really is like blood and pure rage cloud my vision. He is literally the embodiment of if you gave an edge lord psychopathic eleven year old the power to kill people. "Wee, I'm so powerful and killing people is just SoooOoOoOoOOOo much fun!!" SHUT UP!!!!!!!! SHUT UPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!! YOU ARE NOT FUNNY. YOU ARE NOT CUTE. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL IN ANY WAY. He is genuinely the most irritating character I have ever come across. And as the story progresses, he just gets worse. What do you mean he can duplicate himself? Now we have to deal with TWO of this wretched creature? What do you mean he can be decapitated AND HIS HEAD WILL SPROUT LIMBS AND SPRINT AWAY? STOOOOOOOOOP. AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHAT HAPPENED TO NANAMI--I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT. Mahito is such a nasty, slithy, bothersome, despicable, nauseating little cockroach. "Yuji, you and I are the same." Huh? You thought you did something there, didn't you? You thought you ate and came up with some kind of deep, revolutionary concept? It's giving pretentious philosophy dude who thinks he's superior for being a little contrarian, nihilistic Nietzsche butt licker. When Yuji finally humbled him, I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed seeing the fear in his eyes. For one brief, fleeting moment, I could finally understand what sadists must feel like. Honestly, we deserved to watch him suffer, and I wish he would have suffered far more for far longer. Rot in anguish, Mahito. You will not be missed nor forgiven.

asks for distractions: what are your favourite lucy lyrics? (solo + boygenius inclusive!)

Thank youuu <3 I apologize in advance for anyone who thought I could be normal about this because I am simply Insane about Lucy’s writing <3

“We had a lot to measure / We had more past than pleasure / And time grows deep like weeds” - Dream state…

This song hits me hard post-bad-friendship but this lyric sticks with me. Realizing that even if there was a lot of memories built with someone, they may not be Good Ones. Realizing after the fact that perhaps the time spent together wasn’t as good as it once seemed. Time is always moving forward and now that you’re away from them, you’re left with a mind full of invasive weeds to pluck through in search of new growth.

“If beauty is the only way / To make the nightmares go away / I'll plant a garden in your brain / And let the roots absorb the pain” - Trust

This chorus makes me so !!!!! Like oh my god. It’s just beautiful, it’s a promise of a loved one wanting to ease your pain and soothe your fears in the gentlest way. It’s a promise to yourself, to find beauty in the world and hold onto it because then there’s a reason to keep going.

“Don't hold your breath, forget you ever saw me at my best / You don't deserve what you don't respect / Don't deserve what you say you love and then neglect” - Night Shift

This song in its entirety is just a fucking masterpiece. I love it so much and I struggle to express why. This part specifically gets across exactly what I want to say to someone who hurt me and it honestly helps me reframe my thoughts because No this person does not deserve me at my best or at all because they did not respect or love me like they said they did ‼️

“Believe me, I'm speaking plainly and painfully/Trying to stay elegant, eloquent and delicate to you” - Body to Flame

This one just scratches my brain tbh. This whole song is beautiful and just the very human concept of knowing someone so well and yet somehow not fully understanding them because we are all so unpredictable

“The future isn't worth its weight in gold / The future is a benevolent black hole” - Cartwheel

Not being ready to face the future, especially when it takes things and people away from you. Change is hard, change is scary, change is autism’s worst nightmare (and therefore mine). Yet she also implies that the future, while vast and unknown and forcing change, is not inherently evil. The future can bring good things, even if you’re not ready for it.

“I wanna run my fingers through you / You say nobody understands you like I do” - Partner in Crime

Once again this just makes my brain go ‼️

“You called me cerebral / I didn't know what you meant / But now I do, would it have killed you / To call me pretty instead?” -Brando

This line and I Don’t Wanna Be Funny Anymore hit me for the same reasons. Growing up being forced into the role of the funny one or the smart one but I was never pretty. It’s just that frustration with people who can’t even bother to give straightforward praise/compliments, calling you an old soul or wise for your age or cerebral. What does that even mean, when you’re 10 years old and just like to read books but they paint you as a scholar or you’re 15 and you’ve never had someone other than your grandmother tell you you’re beautiful. Like goddamn just let me be pretty for once.

“I'm staring at my hands / Red, ruddy skin, I don't understand / How did they betray me? What did I do?” - Triple Dog Dare

After I came out to my family at 15 years old I wasn’t allowed to see my friends outside of school for months. I internalized it, I mean I was still dealing with severe internalized homophobia from the church and I thought it must be My Fault. I remember apologizing to my friends, crying, because I wasn’t allowed to come over or hang out with them. As if it was my fault. I would spend hours regretting coming out, wondering what I did that was so wrong. This line just sits in my brain and wow Lucy Dacus is just like me fr

“I want you to tell me that you miss me / Want you to hold and hurt and kiss me / I wanna run away and live on your family's boat” - Triple Dog Dare

As you can tell by my pinned post I have Feelings about this verse. I’ve posted about this before but this song is the perfect example of young queer love and how adults interfere and see it as impure. This line specifically just highlights that need to be with that person, for them to hold you and kiss you and even if they’re hurting you at least it’s proof they’re there. The need to to run away with them because even if you’re missing at least you’re together in the end. God this song makes me fucking feral.

“But it feels good to be known so well / I can't hide from you like I hide from myself / I remember who I am when I'm with you / Your love is tough, your love is tried and true-blue” -True Blue

I’m really gay and I love my girlfriend <3

But also like this song just fucking hits oh my god. Being known and loved by someone in a way that is so genuine, so honest, so raw. The parts of yourself you are ashamed of they embrace openly. A dependable and honest love that makes you remember yourself, truly see yourself.

“I wanna live a vibrant life / But I wanna die a boring death”

AND

“Oh, it hurts to hope for more / Oh, it hurts to hope the future / Will be better than before” - Afraid of Heights

I remember after my first listen of this song I just sat there stunned, crying. This song is so dear to me and Lucy has my entire heart. I relate to the concept of a toxic friendship in which the person pushes your boundaries and shames you for them. Every word of this song resonates and I’m so tired so I don’t think I can do it justice but I truly have many thoughts on it.

The wish to just live a bright and exciting life but not die in a risky, stressful, painful way. The pain of the unknown, of the future, once again going back to the benevolent black hole. Just hoping that one day things will be better because it’s all you can hold on to but it hurts so much some days

This got so long 🫠 I recognize I have a problem and I just want y’all to know I love Lucy Dacus she’s everything to me <33

So I'm not going to start like an Anti-Chiron tag because I don't find that enjoyable personally, but every so often people ask why I dislike him so here's essentially a "masterpost" of my thoughts on that situation for when anyone asks, just so I have it to explain some...

This isn't nearly a full list, and there's many more "incidents" that make me less than fond of Chiron, I don't hate the old man but he leaves a bad taste in my mouth and I'm not a fan of that. He's a very twisted character.

- The Lightning Thief

This quote is literally just after Percy's mom "dies", they're all sitting on the porch of the Big House right after he's finally woken up after days of sleeping, and that's the line Chiron pulls out on him.

That's straight up emotional manipulation which was entirely unnecessary in the context of what Chiron was trying to explain. There wasn't a single reason for that, in the slightest.

Immediately following that, and Percy, who canonically has anger issues, does his best to remain calm, he is immediately threatened by Dionysus, and Chiron doesn't even tell Dionysus off for doing that; Chiron just let's it happen. It's Grover who has to speak up to tell Dionysus off...

The only reason Chiron comes out looking like a old guy in this scene is because Dionysus was so much worse in his behavior, at one point intimidating Percy with his power over madness.

- The Titan's Curse

This is the aftermath of when Nico ran away upon confirmation of Bianca's death. When Percy is telling Chiron about the situation, Chiron wishes Nico had been eaten alive rather than recruited into an army.

He'd rather a child be dead than fight against him, and he openly tells this to other children he's in charge of. If Percy went missing would he have said "I hope he was eaten <3" as well?

I don't blame Perry for not delivering the truth here, it was done in an effort to protect Nico; which wasn't something Annabeth had planned on doing... I don't blame Annabeth for that though either, she's been beneath Chiron so long that she probably doesn't realize the shady stuff he does, and to her "going to tell" probably was the "right" move because she was a child...

But the fact that Chiron believes Nico truly would be better off eaten than alive :/

- Tower of Nero

This quote from Tower of Nero shows that Chiron lied to a bunch of young children (most of them were young because the older campers are largely dead because of the war or too old for camp now). It wasn't just a little white lie that adults sometimes tell kids either; they were walking into battle and he told them it was a field trip.

Did he even begin to explain the danger he was putting these kids in? Did the children understand their situation? And how dangerous it was?

Kayla has been blindsided over the years into thinking that telling children they're going on a field trip instead of fighting a battle is something to make a joke of and not be questioned... (Again, I don't blame her she's only like 12 in the book, but still)

Apollo also agrees, which isn't on Chiron but it's a whole mother reason why I can't stand Rick's interpretation of Apollo...

<><><><><>

This isn't me being like "oh Chiron is the worst most evil character ever" I just think that he has numerous flaws which are largely ignored in favor of the "perfect wise teacher" narrative when in fact Chiron and Dumbledore share a lot of.. Offputting qualities.

I do think that some of the situation is simply a result of Chiron having his hands tied behind his back by the gods some. And he even goes so far as to confirm this in a scene of TLT

However many of the scenes in which he exhibits behaviors like that in my first three screenshots are not related to anything the gods require and are, in fact, of Chiron's own free will.

Some things I would blame Zeus and the council for, such as how he withholds information from Percy to an excessive amount for long periods of time even when Percy straight up asks about things. I could easily see that being Zeus trying to prevent Percy from claiming the prophecy as his own, and I could see reasoning that maybe Chiron had sworn over the River Styx or something similar.

But those things don't apply to Chiron making such an unnecessary comment about Percy's mother so close to her "death". It doesn't explain why he would say he hoped Nico had been eaten out loud, and it doesn't cover the fact that he led children into a battlefield without telling them that's what was happening.

I think the context of Chiron's choices and comments would be different if the campers were older. If they were in their late teens or early twenties for the most part, I wouldn't really have much to say about how Chiron handled the situation.

But this man is in charge of children and extremely young teenagers, Percy is only 12 in TLT, maybe if he would have been 16 or 17 then I could give Chiron a pass, but he wasn't. Within the context of the comment he made in the Titan's Curse, Percy is only 14 and Nico is 10 at the beginning of the book... You don't wish a 10 year old had been eaten alive by a monster no matter how bad you think the alternative is, and if you do wish that you don't say it out loud to a group of other children. In the battle from Tower of Nero we get a quick look at the battlefield, and although Ben's age, and the age of another girl fighting alongside him are never confirmed they are implied to be fairly young, and we know Kayla is only 12 at the time too; yet Chiron told them it was a field trip instead of a battle, limiting the time they would have to mentally prepare themselves for what was coming.

On top of that, the nods the reader gets to the fact that Chiron can't act out against the gods depletes over the course of the series. After TLT the amount of times the situation involves the gods interfering with what Chiron is allowed to say lessens, and by the time the Heroes of Olympus series comes around, these limitations on his speech is almost entirely gone. Yet as seen in Tower of Nero he still does morally questionable things in regards to how he treats the campers.

Like I said, I recognize that in many scenes Chiron's hands are tied behind his back because of the gods.. But there are undeniably things he does of his own free will that are, in the nicest manner, very :/

This also isn't a full list of comparisons just a few notable scenes. I don't think Chiron is equally as bad as Dumbledore, but I think it undeniable that Chiron has some significant flaws built into his character design.

A good character has flaws, and there's nothing wrong with having a character that doesn't always conduct themselves properly or have good intentions- it's actually good writing, and I can appreciate that, but for some reason I find myself personally rubbed the wrong way by Chiron. This doesn't make Chiron badly written, or poorly designed, in fact I would say Rick's Chiron is very well designed in lots of ways, but I just don't like how it's never acknowledged by anyone in the series.

Like I said, I'm not starting an anti-Chiron situation, I just think little events like those mentioned, the way he's built a child army, and how he doesn't even try to plead with the gods over raising the ages on campers being allowed to battle is a little sus. But it more so bothers me that there's no attention payed to this problem anywhere in the books, not even by a side character or Luke, nowhere.

I don't actually care that much and this isn't that important to me, but sometimes people ask why I don't like Chiron and this is basically just my explanation to hand off to them... It's not even so much that I dislike Chiron entirely, he's well written and has his "good" moments, I just don't like the way other characters interact with him and his actions.

It's more a personal beef with him rather than an aspect of poor writing or him "being bad"... PJO in general (and HoO/ToA to a much lesser extent) shows that there's not such an inherent good vs bad in the world, and that sometimes people are victims of circumstances in some situations, or they're horribly misguided in their actions, but the series does a good job of showing those people as human still, and I applaud that.

I don't really know how to tie this up in its entirety, but there's nothing wrong with having a morally grey character who does questionable things and in many aspects it is good writing. I think Chiron is a result of Rick not thinking through the implications what he's doing in lots of situations, and I can see a fairly consistent drop in Chiron's characterization from PJO-ToA which is consistent with most other aspects of Rick's work.

I also want to clarify that if you like Chiron and disagree with me, that's absolutely 110% okay, I just personally dislike Chiron and that's on me. Like my problem with many of Rick's other immortal characters, I think he missed important aspects of them in some manner and slightly (or entirely in some cases) mischaracterized them in comparison to their original myths.. Some of these characters he came around on and fixed their character in many aspects to their more "correct" characterization (like Hera), while others (like Chiron and Apollo) he never quite figured them out. Which is a running complaint I have with Rick so I'm just adding this to his tab.

But yeah, I don't hate Chiron I just dislike him and those are different things, and I don't think it's a bad thing to have a morally questionable character, Chiron just personally rubs me the wrong way and I just wanted to explain that more fully because I've been asked about it multiple times.

Also I apologize for not adding a [read more] to this, it's a complaint of mine often when scrolling through the tags but I'm on mobile currently and don't have immediate access to a computer so~

Anon said: I hope I'm not too late to slip in a request! I was actually hoping for a more platonic request with Miche? Just how he would help out a new cadet on his squad or something... Maybe there having a hard time fitting in now that there on a section commander squad or even worried about an upcoming expedition. Miche is one of my biggest comfort Characters and I'm such a shy person lol...I love you blog by the way, it's such a comforting place...🥺

Miche reassuring you that you're enough.

{Miche & reader | tw:none | platonic, comfort | canonverse}

{ "The Interior of the Palm House on the Pfaueninsel Near Potsdam" 1834 by Carl Blechen 1798 - 1840 }

No one can deny that the survey corps had a...certain reputation between the people, for being ruthless, unhinged and not a place for someone hoping for a future.

Their leader is known for gambling with human lives, their strongest has a criminal history record and their most intelligent, does experiments that would put medical student dropout Frankenstein himself to shame.

In short, you'd be crazy for walking there with your own two feet and expecting a crumb of compassion.

You don't go looking for fish in the desert.

You've heard it all, those sayings people keep reciting like a broken record whenever you'd bring up joining the survey corps.

"You'll just end up titan food"

"Why do you want to throw away your life?"

"God your poor family…"

And despite all of that, you still marched on, despite everyone who told you to quit.

Not only did you join and stayed alive for so long, you've even managed to climb the ranks in record time.

So fast in fact that you were assigned to join a section commander's squad after a very successful titan capture mission that earned you a pat on the back from Erwin.

Being pulled from your friends and moved to a new place where you were surrounded by veterans who've been in their positions for 10 years or more, was quite sudden and shocking.

One thing that should've eased your nerves, was the fact it was squad Miche you're being put into.

Anyone in the survey corps can tell you that in comparison to other squads, this was the most...friendly per say, since they prioritised teamwork and coming back alive over everything else, knowing together they're much stronger and willing to protect each other no matter what.

While yes they did have their quirks, it was almost nothing in comparison to Levi's strict hygiene rules and Hange's workaholic routine or Erwin's unreadable intentions.

And yet, you felt unease at the whole situation.

You were clearly "that new cadet" in this old group of close-knit people, almost standing out even.

You wanted to prove yourself, you've done it before to all those people so why is it any different now.

Maybe...because they are actually experienced soldiers this time, and not strangers living in blissful ignorance inside the walls.

Maybe because you feel the growing burden of expectations set on you for being the newest person in the squad, and being put there by none other than the commander himself which would raise some eyebrows if you couldn't deliver.

Uncertainty and doubt began pooling up inside your mind, making you second guess decisions and overthink actions.

And it's not like the squad members were leaving you out, no in fact they were doing their best to include you.

….maybe even too much actually, it didn't help that all of them were outgoing people, it was overwhelming.

Nanaba was an unofficial stand in caption when Miche wasn't around. Having a confident yet compassionate personality made her protective of her teammates, almost like a big sister, earning her a lot of respect.

So much in fact that it would unintentionally intimidate people out of approaching her

Gelgar was a strong believer in Miche, loyal to a fault almost. Yet he wouldn't say no for a chance to relax and grab a couple drinks, being friends with so many people came naturally to him with his mellow personality and overall friendliness.

Maybe a bit much too friendly? That personal boundaries were often crossed without him realising it. 

Lynne was a good balance between the two, she was considerate of others feelings...even so much in fact that she tended to sugar-coat almost everything.

Thomas and Henning were close with each other, both serious and determined. But maybe because they were so used to each other that dealing with new people became...strange, for conversations with them resembled an awkward dad attempting to check on you but not actually putting much effort to understand.

Meanwhile, you were a reserved and shy person.

It was a miracle that you managed to get a group of friends in cadet training that stayed with you throughout the years, but now after being transferred it was all turned to dust.

You have to start again, meet people again and talk to them while wondering if they actually like you or are pretending to be nice because they don't wanna come off as rude-

On top of that, Erwin seemed to keep an eye on you after your last mission, silently conveying the trust and expectations he's putting your way, to not fail him and show you're worthy of this special treatment.

It was too much, too overwhelming and draining.

Dread and uncertainty loomed in the corners of your mind, only metastating in size as the date for the new expedition was announced.

To add fuel to the fire, apparently everyone seemed almost...excited or nonchalant for going out there again, like this is a mere walk in the park as they began making preparations and training.

Were you the only one that felt nervous? Oh god.

Your legs felt like they were weighted down by stones as you stared at the large board in front of you, a white sheet signed by the commander announcing next week to be the date of the expedition, several names listed below for who'd be required for service.

Your name was at the top, even with a line underneath it. The fact it was in cursive didn't make it any less gut-wrenching.

The chatter of people around you, discussing the plans and joking with each other, began blurring out at the back of your mind.

The weather seemed colder as shivers ran down your neck. A rolling feeling in your stomach making your throat tighten, your own voice inside your head was the only noise you could hear.

All those thoughts and worries creeping from underneath the dark corners that you've been pushing them into all this time, like a swarm drowning you in their "what if" and skepticism, full of doubt and illogical pessimism for worst case scenarios.

Thoughts that aren't even your own joined them, ones you never had and knew weren't true and yet amidst the storm it was hard to tell the real from the ones passing through.

You know you're capable, so why…

Are you capable?

Yes…

but are you really?

...

And how are you even sure?

Before it could pull you deeper into that hole of despair, something snapped your attention back to reality, a hand nudging your shoulder. 

"You really didn't hear me huh." The voice came from behind you, a tall figure stepping closer till you were in his shadow.

Miche looked at you with a tilted head, his lips pressed into a thin line as his eyes bore into you like he's attempting to guess what's going inside your brain.

You've been too lost inside your mind you didn't notice that you were the only one left standing in front of the board.

From the way Miche's shoulders fell after reading your expression, eyes softening after glancing at your name on the sheet, he was quick to catch on.

Before you could say something to save your face after being caught in this state by none other than your new captain, Miche just told you to come with him, making sure to walk beside you، protectively staying close that no one on your way would interrupt.

Passing the corridor leading to his office, you gave him an uncertain glance as he simply gestured for you to continue walking for whatever unknown place you're headed to.

Soon enough the buildings and stone streets faded the further you went on, grass and dirt roads taking its place.

It wasn't a long walk per say, but more of a secluded area that took both of you some turns in seemingly shady alleyways to reach.

You couldn't hear the horses or soldiers walking anymore, only the soft flowing of the nearby river.

The tall grass barely reaching below your knees, some ladybugs crawling on top of the scattered daffodils in-between, the closer to the river cliff you got the taller it became.

The first thing Miche did, wasn't explaining to you why you're here, or what exactly he was after.

No, he barely said a word even, only taking in a deep breath as the wind had the courtesy of pushing his bangs back, eyes finally in clear view now.

Gaze meeting yours, he gave you a nod, a gesture to do the same thing.

You reluctantly took a deep breath.

He smiled.

Both of you sat by the river, he gave you his jacket to sit on.

As the silence grew between you, even while it wasn't the uncomfortable kind, it was clear he was struggling to phrase something, the right words just not coming to mind.

Turning his body towards you, he finally said, "how about i just..listen, let it out.".

It wasn't easy, you can't just pour out your heart to your superior.

Not to mention the military wasn't a place for weakness, could you really openly admit to your worries?

Well, yes you could, because it isn't weak, it takes great strength to face something scary and admit to it.

It's strength that got you this far.

How could you ever mistake vulnerability for weakness?

Keeping true to his words, Miche didn't interrupt you as you slowly opened up about what's been troubling you.

He patiently listened, occasionally humming for you to go on whenever you'd lose track.

And by the end of it, after you poured out all your frustration, sadness and worries, it felt...like a weight lifted off your shoulders.

Miche looked at you with understanding in his eyes, as if he himself has been in this exact same position years ago.

...and maybe he was, considering his behaviour wasn't what's socially common, he would've definitely stood out back before he had the respect of being a captain.

He isn't a man of words, for actions spoke much louder.

That's why he became more attentive from that day on, offering to help you train, giving you a smile whenever you passed by and sitting near you whenever his squad were gathered so he'd ask for your opinion on plans or simply share looks whenever they began joking with each other.

He didn't attempt to make you change, instead he made changes to accommodate you.

You're part of the team and he made it clear.

And while he couldn't give reassuring words, he certainly gave his time and energy, paying attention to you, reading your moods and listening whenever life becomes too much.

Maybe he saw his past self in you, and wanted to give you all the comfort, attention and care he wished for back then.

Even if it was mere hugs and shoulder pats that he could offer, he knew small things can make changes overtime.

For him, it's not getting rid of your stress that he was attempting to achieve, no, for life is full of stress.

Instead, he wanted to offer you ways to deal with the stress, to acknowledge it as it is and be heard, to be understood.

Because while stress will pass either way, it didn't mean it had to pass painfully.

You weren't alone, he made sure of that.

Maybe he got too attached, maybe someone might say he's giving you special treatment, maybe Erwin would give him a backhanded comment every now and then.

But since when did Miche pay attention to these things? 

Well...he can't deny he might be giving you more break days than the other Cadets, larger food portions and even most of his time.

But he won't justify himself to anyone either, he doesn't have to.

Because after all, there really isn't any ulterior motives behind his actions, they were as simple as they came.

It was pure genuine care, the type that makes someone want to protect a person and watch them grow healthy.

The type that made him offer you a thumbs up after each training session, a proud smile on his face for how much you're learning.

Maybe some slight teasing about how if you keep this up, you might even replace him as the second strongest one day.

And while he said it with a joking tone, the hopeful pride-filled look on his face told a whole nother story.

you're not sure if it was a joke or a promise.

Howdy! I'm going to ask your awesome question back at you ;) what do you think of England, both as a character and as a country? Do tell me all of your feelings towards the grumpy man 👀

Short Answer:

To borrow a phrase from my favourite writer/historian Barbara Tuchmann, if Canada is the country of my birth, England has always been the country of my heart.

Long Answer:

I actually fell in love with England the country a long time before I even knew England the character, but Hetalia certainly reinforced my infatuation ten-fold. I can't say when or how it started because I think I was pretty young (I remember my mom making me take notes on Greek and Roman history when I was like, 7, and uh, let's just say my obessession with Europe only grew after that). It's also kinda difficult for me to parse why I like the country because it's been a constant in my life for so long, but I'll try my best.

I think it might have begun with my fascination with WWII history. There's this Chinese idiom -- 乱世出英雄 -- which kinda encapsulates why the world wars and British history in particular so enchanted me. The literal translation of it would be "heroes emerge in turbulent times" but I think a better figurative approximation is the phrase "for darkness shows the stars." The world wars, British participation in the world wars, and British history in general has many, many dark episodes and in many ways exposes the worst of humanity. But I think it's also true that British history also brought out the best of us -- exposed the "heroes", so to speak. I refer not only to household names like Churchill but also the commanders on the ground, the suffragettes, the workers in the factories, and naturally the common soldier. Of course this is not a phenomenon unique to British history, but it was through British 20th century history that I first fell in love with history in general, so it holds a bit of a special place in my heart.

From a more objective perspective, Canadians are really steeped in British culture, ideas, and history, even if we don't realize it. I mean, most of the ideals we embrace, such as the rule of law or constitutional monarchy, as well as the things we celebrate -- the abolishment of slavery, for example -- stem from Britain. One cannot teach Canadian history in school without learning British history, and when you consider that Canada's massive sacrifices in the world wars also played a defining moment in its national identity, it's really no wonder that many still feel a kinship with the UK. Plus, like I mentioned in the response to needcake's ask, a lot of being Canadian is trying to differentiate ourselves from Americans, and one primary way we do that is by pointing to our loyalty to England and shared monarch.

I'm not sure if this is really obvious from the other side of the pond, but Queen Elizabeth also, like, plays a really insidious role. Idk if Aussies or Kiwis feel this way, but we really love Queen Liz and can't imagine a world without her on our money and all our fancy buildings and occasionally making her speeches. I was an air cadet as a teen too! We had to play God Save the Queen for closing parades every night, and I remember thinking, gosh, one day we'll have to sing God save the king, and they'll have to change all the lyrics and coins and bills and what not, and that's really weird.

But yeah, besides the history and the environment in Canada, I also follow British politics to some extent? It's not as common as following American politics here (if you talk to Canadians ab the American president it's not uncommon to hear people say "why did we elect him" etc.) but it isn't rare either. I mean, I read the Economist (no i'm not 10 billion years old) and I've done courses in British politics, read British authors, a lot of people like British actors and films and shows...the culture is just really widespread, I guess. I also have close friends who lived/live in London...oh, and I went to a British international school when I was young for a year. That might have played a role too. I should say here that I've never actually been to England in person so I can't comment on what its actually like, but it feels so familiar that sometimes I honestly forget i haven't been. I hope to actually study in London soon, actually, so if you have any advice/warnings, hit me!

Alright, onto Arthur. I just? Really? Love him? In particular I really admire his pragmatic worldview, even if I don't always agree with the conclusions it leads him to. When it comes to knowledge and analysis, he's someone who refuses to turn away from the truth, no matter how incovenient. Yet when it comes to his own emotions he's the complete opposite. That mix of cynicism and then escapism to relieve the emotional burden of his own cycnism is just...fascinating. I also really admire his intelligence in general, as well as his work ethic.

Perhaps what I love the most about Arthur, however, is his spirit. I mean, he's just so alive. Whether he's furious or devastated or overjoyed, he's someone who lives life so intensely, so fully, with such fury. When I write Arthur, that's often the feeling I try to capture: someone who cannot help but see all the suffering in life, but someone who cannot help but fight on, regardless. In a strange way, Arthur embodies hope at its most irrational. As Samuel Beckett wrote in the Unnamable, he's someone who is always telling himself: "You must go on. I can't go on. I'll go on."

Absolutely no one asked for fruk, but I'm just gonna seize this chance to throw out a little headcanon. I think this intense, somehow mortal quality of Arthur is what first captivated Francis. As I've written about a bit before, Francis to me has the most "eternal" feel out of the all the nations. He loves humanity and life as a whole, whereas Arthur lives like every second counts. For someone like Francis, who just adores beautiful, wild, transient things, Arthur is like mortality in a bottle -- so utterly enthralling that once he tasted it he could never get enough. Unlike Joan or other real humans, however, Arthur has proved far more durable to wear and tear :P

My final thought on Arthur is that he has so much contempt for fate, its actually both funny and admirable. If I may quote Tuchmann again, "no man ever lived who was less willing to be the victim of events." Arthur's someone who simply refuses to be bullied, even by grandaddy destiny itself, and I think we all love him for that, a little.

Ping-Pong

✧ Aylin and Harry go out to sell some jams and come back to a disaster in one of their homes.

Word count: 1783

Warnings: short mention of eating disorder/disordered eating/calories

Part I

Part II (you’re here!)

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

Part VII

Part VIII

14

   Mrs. Mendes is an old woman, she has lines of love around her eyes and lips that show how happy she was throughout her life, also on her forehead, showing how she was amazed by even the tiniest things that were introduced to her.

   She has lived her entire life in the village, and everyone knows her for her exquisite blackberry jams. Aylin's mom used to buy her 2 mason jars every month for her daughter to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, until Aylin was 10 years old and she stopped.

   "No more, Aylin, you've been gaining a lot of weight. A lot of calories, few wasted."

   Those words had consequences, at the tough and young age of 11, Aylin entered a diet low in carbs and fats, where she lost a lot of weight, but from so much restriction, she began a cycle of sometimes bingeing where she couldn't stop to eat for all that she could not taste.

   For all that she could not live.

   At just eleven.

Eleven years old.

   Already at twelve she had somewhat overcome her eating disorder, according to her mother, she was still a bit chubby, but Aylin was always a strong woman, and when she looked in the mirror she wondered, what was so bad about not being thin?

   She loved food, and didn't think about going back to that hell she went through for months. Fuck the diet.

   Mrs. Mendes walked through the only green park in town until she sat down on a yellow bench and took out of her bag some bread crumbs to give to the pigeons that were listening to human affairs. Aylin was walking her dog, Luna, she has no breed and she rescued her from the street when she was about to be run over. Well, she didn't rescue her, a man who had the necklace of a moon saved her and gave her to Aylin as she witnessed all of it (crying). He did not live there and didn't have the time or the space to have a pet, so there she is, walking her new best friend until she sees the old woman and her heart warms and a smile emanates from her lips.

   "Mrs. Mendes!" She screamed and began to jog with Luna until she reached the old woman, she looked at her and her eyes narrowed at her smile.

   "Oh Aylin dear, you look so big!"

   "Yep, I'm 5'1 now, almost 5'2! Isn't that incredible? I'm going to be so big."

   "I'm sure you will honey. Who's that?"

   After Aylin told her the whole story, the two talked about different things while feeding crumbs to the pigeons who listened attentively to their conversation.

   "Hey darling, you know I sell jams right?" Mrs. Mendes suddenly said, making Aylin look at her smiling.

   "Of course! The most exquisite in the whole town!"

   The woman smiled flattered, "Oh cut it. . . Anyways, in my house I have many done, raspberry, blackberry—"

   "I love the blackberry one!" The little interrupted without thinking, instantly embarrassed to do so. "Sorry. . . continue."

   Mrs. Mendes just laughed, "It doesn't matter. Well, uh, what was I saying? Ah! Yes! So, I don't have a way to sell them, you know, I'm an old lady and I can't go from house to house delivering so I was wondering if you—"

   "Oh god! Can I go deliver the jams? It would be amazing! I would wear white and I would go with a brown basket that I have on my bike and– Ah!" Aylin squealed with excitement, "I could go with Harry! He's my friend, even though he lied to me. . . but I already forgave him, the Smiths adopted him, the house across from mine. Oh yeah, can I, please?"

   Mrs. Mendes got confused every time she spoke to Aylin, she always talked a lot and very fast and changed the subject all the time, but she liked her, she liked that she was fast and not slow, it made her feel young.

   If only that speed so characteristic of hers had remained.

   "Yes, darling, you can. And I'd like to meet this Harry boy."

   "Oh, you'll love him! I love him, he's my best friend."

.

.

.

   "No."

   "Pleaseeeeeeeee!"

   "I really don't feel like selling jams."

   "But it's so nice! People will be so happy! And you'd meet so many people from this town. Harryyyyyy!"

   Harry sometimes feels very exasperated when he’s with Aylin. She always tries to involve him in things of the town; recreational activities, meetings, whatever, but even though the Smiths have kept him and a part of him begins to really believe that this family will be forever, he can't help but not want to get too fond of living there because at this point he doesn't think his heart could bear to bleed in pain once more.

   But anyway, he likes that Aylin is like that, so persistent with him since it's not something that he has lived in his life, they always get bored of him and never look for him, he is the one doing it, but now he is different and the feeling that brings him makes him fall asleep at night.

   Puppy eyes. "Please, Harry?"

   He just rolled his eyes, irritated with himself because he knew exactly what the next word would be that would slide off his tongue in a harsh way, but she would eat it anyway. "Fine."

   She squealed, he groaned.

.

.

.

   "Thank you so much, kids. I missed this jams, and say thank you for my part to Mrs. Mendes, ya?" A woman in her forties with black hair waved them off at the door of her house, exchanging the money for the jams.

   "We sure will! See you!"

   They have been selling since twelve in the morning, now the sky was burning and the clouds too, the cold was beginning to descend and there were fewer and fewer people in the streets and more in their homes. The treetops danced to the sweet whispers of the wind, Aylin joining them on the empty streets.

   "Wasn't that so fun?! We selled everything, we should get into business when we grow up, don't you think, H?"

   "Yeah sure," he replied sarcastically. Aylin always notices the comments that Harry makes and when some are real and when they are not, she is not stupid, she just ignores them because she knows that deep down he must like part of the things they do, because otherwise, he would have left her long ago. Besides, that makes her feel better, she doesn't like to think that she bores people, especially when she knows that it is something real, something that has been said to her face.

   Honestly, Harry must admit that it wasn't a total torture. Hearing Aylin talk so much is fun to him, she always has an opinion on something, and she is always in awe of things that she sees every day.

   Actually, Harry likes Aylin. Not in a romantic way, he knows about feelings and everything, he even knows about porn, but he has never seen her that way and he doesn't think he will ever see her like that. It's not that she's not pretty, he finds her quite cute, but it's just a friendship for him.

   His first friendship.

   As they turned to get to the street where their houses are, the two noticed the great fight in one of them.

   Harry stopped walking, and Aylin kept doing it.

   Her mother was throwing an open suitcase on the head of her father, who fell to the ground and began to pick up his things at full speed while she insulted him.

   At that point, Aylin started running.

   "Mum! Dad! What – what is going on?!" She squealed in concern, walking over to her dad and squatting next to him to make sure he's okay. "Why do you have a suitcase? Where are you going?"

   "He'll go fuck his assistant, that's for sure!" The mother screamed with hatred, regardless of the language she spoke in front of two children or whoever was listening (and there were several people).

   "His assistant? But, what? Mr. Gomez?" Aylin asked extremely confused with her eyebrows furrowing.

   "Exactly." She spit out to her husband and turned around on her own heels, dragging her feet into the house and slamming the door that almost made the whole town rumble.

   "D-dad?" Aylin asked with her eyes swimming in a sea of tears, but she didn't allow her cheeks to turn into rivers.

   "I'm so sorry, baby. I really am." The father composed himself and stood up, giving his daughter a long kiss on the forehead and then walking with suitcase in hand and head down, like the end of a movie where there is a climax where you think everything will be fine but in the outcome it all goes to shit and they lose everything.

   "Wha– Where are you–" She sighed, her father far enough away not to hear her, "...going." She whispered, feeling a crack form in her heart that hurt like a hundred stabs dipped in the hottest lava of the worst hell.

   Harry was at a safe distance, but he heard everything and saw everything as did some neighbors looking out in their windows to feed the curious cat without risking death. He understood everything and had a knot in his stomach from seeing his friend without life in her eyes, and being so painfully slow.

   What a plot twist. He was gay. The dad, of course.

   Aylin sat dejectedly on the edge of the sidewalk, staring at the grayish of the street without knowing what she was thinking about. She is always thinking, she is always saying something, but now there is nothing in her mind, white paint fell on the canvas and there are no more available brushes to paint on top of it.

   The curly boy did not know what to do, he is not a person of a lot of words, and besides, what do you say to someone in a situation like this? "I'm sorry your dad is gay." Sounds a bit homophobic. So he chose to approach slowly as he usually does, he has always been slow, and although sometimes Aylin is exasperated that he sees everything and does everything in slow motion, deep down he conveyed a certain tranquility that she could not create by herself. Harry sat next to her and rubbed her back.

   He didn't knew if she was crying or not, but he wasn't going to ask anything either, so he just sat with her while she hurt.

   And he wished that swiftness of hers had never gone away.

100 Buffy Prompts

I had a lot of fun compiling this list. I was cracking up more than once and now I want to binge Buffy. If there is a show you want let me know because these seriously help me shut of my brain during this covid hell.

1 “NAME, your mouth is open, sound is coming from it. This is never good.” – Buffy Summers

2 “I just want to be alone and quite in a room with a chair and a fireplace and a tea cozy. I don’t even know what a tea cozy is, but I want one.” – Buffy Summers

3 "They were supposed to be my light at the end of the tunnel. I guess they were a train.” – Buffy Summers

4 “I don’t know what’s coming next. But I do know it’s gonna be just like this – hard, painful. But in the end, it’s gonna be us. If we all do our parts, believe it, we’ll be the one’s left standing.” – Buffy Summers

5 “I don’t handle rejection well. Funny, considering all the practice I’ve had, huh?” – Xander Harris

6 "Just because you’re better than us doesn’t mean you can be all superior.” – Xander Harris

7 “I’m leaning towards blind panic myself.” – Rupert Giles

8 “Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you’ll just have to pick it up yourself.” – Rupert Giles

9 "With all the rubbish people keep sticking in my head, it's a wonder that there's room for my brain." – Spike

10 "Oh, I don't know. Looking in the mirror every day and seeing nothing there...it's an overrated pleasure.” – Angel

11 "Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir. Open it's jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us. Passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have?" – Angel

12 "Anyway, for real now, I'm gonna ask you something, and you gotta promise you'll be honest and not spare my feelings just 'cause I could kill you. You promise?" Faith

13 "You gotta give me something to do. There's no way I'm sleeping. Don't you need anyone dead? Or maimed? I can settle for maimed.” – Faith

14 "You know, I honestly don't think there's a human word fabulous enough for me.”- Glorificus

15 “I’m cookie dough. I’m not done baking. I’m not finished becoming whoever the hell it is I’m gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I’m ready. I’m cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat m — or enjoy warm, delicious, cookie me, then that’s fine. That’ll be then. When I’m done.” — Buffy Summers

16 “Seize the moment, ’cause tomorrow you might be dead.” — Buffy Summers

17 “The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live.” — Buffy Summers

18 “No weapons. No friends. No hope. Take all that away and what’s left?” “Me.” — Angelus & Buffy Summers

19 “Don’t you have an elsewhere to be?” – Cordelia Chase

20 “God! What is your childhood trauma?!” – Cordelia Chase

21 “Gee, can you vague that up for me?” – Buffy Summers

22 “I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.” – Xander Harris

23 “I don’t know what your problem is, what your issues are. But as of this moment I officially don’t care.” – Xander Harris

24 “You’re really campaigning for bitch of the year, aren’t you?” – Cordelia Chase

25 “I mock you with my monkey pants!” – Oz

26 “Funny how preparing looks an awful lot like sitting on your ass.” – Spike

27 “That’s fairly freaksome.” – Oz

28 “Do you have any tact at all?” – Giles

29 “I’ve known you for two minutes and I can’t stand you.” – Spike

30 “Great. Now I’m gonna be stuck with serious thoughts all day.” – Cordelia Chase

31 “You didn’t happen to take a lot of drugs, did you?” – Willow

32 “I’ve seen honest faces…they usually come attached to liars.” – Willow

33 “Can I be blind, too?” – Xander

34 “Gee, I hope I’m not interrupting anything really depressing.” – Riley

35 “And you just accepted that? I only said that because I thought that’s what you wanted to hear.” – Anya

36 “This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed.” – Spike

37 “We’ve got to face it, we’ve changed. Well, not you—you’re still sadistic and self-centered.” – Giles

38 “Sometimes the most adult thing you can do is ask for help when you need it.” – Giles

39 “Did everybody have their Crazy Flakes today?” – Xander

40 “Do you love me?” “What?” “Do you?” “I love you. I don't know if I trust you.” “Maybe you shouldn't do either.” “Maybe I'm the one who should decide!” — Angel & Buffy

41 “Six a.m.!" NAME cried. "I know that's a number on my clock, but I've never actually been awake to personally witness it!” — Xander

42 “Bored now.” — Vampire Willow

43 “We’ll go be heroes.” — Spike

44 “You have a plan?” “I am the plan.” — Giles & Buffy

45 "Strong is fighting. It's hard and it's painful, and it's every day. It's what we have to do. And we can do it together." — Buffy

46 "I make it through this and the next thing and the next thing, and maybe one day I turn around and realize I'm ready." — Buffy

47 "You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. NAME, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live, for me." — Buffy

48 "Make your choices. Are you ready to be strong?" — Buffy

49 “Weird love’s better than no love.” — Buffy

50 “The who having wha with huh?” — Buffy

51 “Whatever you choose, you’ve got my support. Just think of me as… as your… You know, I’m searching for supportive things and I’m coming up all bras. So, something slightly more manly, think of me as that.” – Xander

52 "A lot of things that seem strong and good and powerful, they can be painful." Angel

53 "To forgive is an act of compassion, NAME. It's-it's... it's not done because people deserve it. It's done because they need it." — Giles

54 "In the end, we all are who we are, no matter how much we may appear to have changed." — Giles

55 "I don't have time for vendettas. The mission is what matters." — Buffy

56 "I don't want to protect you from the world. I want to show it to you." — Buffy

57 "Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?" — Buffy

58 "Recognizing power in another does not diminish your own." — Joss Whedon

59 “Out. For. A. Walk… Bitch.” — Spike

60 “You can’t see the stars, love. That’s the ceiling. Also, it’s day.” — Spike

61 “Is everyone here very stoned?” — Spike

62 “I feel safe with you.” [Chokes] “TAKE THAT BACK!” — Dawn & Spike

63 “I love you.” “Oh, my god.” “Hey, no. Look at me. I... love you. You're all I bloody think about... dream about. You're in my gut... my throat... I'm drowning in you, NAME. I'm drowning in you.” — Spike & Buffy

64 “Just... give me something. A crumb, the barest smidgen. Tell me maybe, someday there's a chance” “NAME ... the only chance you had with me was when I was unconscious.” “Oh, wha-“ [screams, then shouts]  “What the bleeding hell is wrong with you bloody men/women? What the hell does it take? Why do you bitches torture me?” “Which question do you want me to answer first?” — Spike & Buffy

65 “You can't deny it. There's something between us.” “Loathing. Disgust.” — Spike & Buffy

66 “Could do without the laugh track, NAME.” “But it's so funny. I knew... before you did. I knew you loved the NAME. The pixies in my head whispered it to me.” — Spike & Drusilla

67 “Damn right I’m impure! I’m as impure as the driven yellow snow.” — Spike

68 “I love you.” “No, you don’t. But thanks for saying it.” — Spike & Buffy

69 “This with you, it’s wrong. I know it. I’m not a complete idiot.” — Spike

70 “You always hurt the ones you love, pet.” — Spike

71 "When I say ‘I love you,’ it’s not because I want you or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are." — Buffy

72 "I’m just gonna go home, lie down, and listen to country music. The music of pain." — Buffy

73 "I have feelings for you. I do. But it's not love. I could never trust you enough for it to be love." — Buffy

74 "Weird love's better than no love." — Buffy

75 “People don’t fall in love with what’s right in front of them. People want the dream — what they can’t have. The more unattainable, the more attractive.” — Buffy

76 "Trust is for old marrieds, NAME. Great love is wild and passionate and dangerous. It burns and consumes." “Until there's nothing left. Love like that doesn't last." — Spike & Buffy

77 "This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you...you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after" — Angel

78 "I love you. I try not to, but I can't stop" — Angel

79 "If I may suggest, ‘This time it's personal.’ I mean, there's a reason why it's a classic." —Oz

80 "Well, to the casual observer, it would appear that you're trying to make your friend NAME jealous, or even the score, or something. And...that's on the empty side. See, in my fantasy, when I'm kissing you, you're kissing me. It's okay, I can wait." — Oz

81 "NAME’s our friend...except I don't like him/her.” — Xander

82 "What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time! Sex ... Help! Four times five is thirty ... five times six is thirty-two ... Naked girls. Naked women ... Naked NAME ... Oh, stop me!" — Xander

83 "Man, NAME! My whole life just flashed before my eyes. I gotta' get me a life!" — Xander

84 “NAME. You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you?” “As defending champion, you nervous?” — Cordelia & Buffy

85 "Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass." — Cordelia

86 “Oh please. Like shame is something to be proud of.” — Cordelia

87 “I’m going to give you some advice: get over it.” — Cordelia

88 “Oh, and you’re welcome.” — Cordelia

89 “I’m not a sniveling little cry-NAME. I’m the nastiest guy/girl in PLACE history. I take crap from no one.” — Cordelia

90 “I think it. I say it. It’s my way.” — Cordelia

91 "I don't like spiders, okay? Their furry bodies, and their sticky webs, and what do they need all those legs for anyway? I'll tell you - for crawling across your face in the middle of the night." — Willow

92 "I don't want danger. Big 'no’ to danger.” — Willow

93 "Let's get this straight. I don't understand it. I don't wanna' understand it. You have gross emotional problems. And things are not okay between us." — Willow

94 "NAME, I got so lost." "I found you. I will always find you." — Tara & Willow

95 "But you like him/her, and when you think about him/her, you get that good down-low tickle, right?" — Faith

96 "You hurt me, I hurt you. I'm just a little more efficient." — Faith

97 "Just relax ... and take off your pants." — Faith

98 "I am, you know." “What?" “Yours." — Tara & Willow

99 "I don't have time for bondage fun." - Buffy

100 “It's fine, I don't need to be snuggled.” — Willow

Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

Answer all questions for ask game about your cats!!(I'm dying for knowing about ash and Sabby pleeeaase!!😍)

Oh my goodness girl, so many, but okay.

1. Name? Ash and Sabrina2. Fur colour? Ash has grey fur on his back, with white markings on his face and white on his belly. Sabrine is the same, but with black on her back, and a special marking on her face.3. Any family you know (other than you)? They are related by blood as brother and sister, which is cute I think :)4. Age? 21 months old (my babies), which is around 17 in cat years5. Favorite toy? They love playing with cardboard for some reason, it’s super weird. There are cardboard scraps all over my house. And, according to Ash, Sabrina’s tail is his FAVOURITE toy.6. Nicknames? Ash: Ashy, Ashy baby, baby boy, pretty boy, foofy boy, crazy boy. Sabrina: Sabbi, Sabrrrrrrrrrina, Miss, purrty, pretty girl, baby girl, fluffy girl,  Miss desperate and more7. Cinnamon roll or problematic fave? Ash is both of those and Sabrina is neither. Sabrina is too good for you. How dare you be in her prescence? But also, freaking pat her already, she’s desperate, people!8. Length of fluff? So long, omg. The flooofiest. Ash is the fluffiest, just covered in clouds of fur. Sabrina’s fur is long but a bit sleeker.9. Any funny habits? Does eating things they’re not supposed to count? Or the fact Ash always wants me to walk him to the food and keep him company while he eats. Sabrina’s habit of turning around and forcing your hand into her face is a nice one.10. How old were they when you met? 9 months. BABIES11. What does their food bowl look like? They have a conjoined bowl which is bright green and a water bowl with little fishies on.12. Indoor or outdoor cat? They’re allowed to go outside, but Ash prefers to be indoors where he can move and lounge around without cause, where as Sabrina loves exploring outside, she kept escaping when I first got her, lol13. Recent picture?

Sleepy babies.14. Old picture?

BABIES15. Cuddly? Reasonably so. I’m the only one they really let pick them up, but they don’t mind sitting beside you or on your bed and stuff. I actually think it depends on their mood, or how hot it is on the day.16. Ever changed their name? YES. I kept Ash’s name, he was called that when I got him from the SPCA. But Sabrina’s original name was Scamp which we didn’t like because such a name is not appropriate for royalty.18. Eye color? Yellow/green19. How do they express love for you? Ash follows me around the house, Sabrina walks up to me when she comes in from exploring. Both like to be in my room when I wake up. They’re really nice cats. Also, tolerating me picking me up is definitely a sign of love.20. How do you express love for them? HEAPS of pats, feeding them good food, and by telling them all the time through long blinks and actual words.21. Any theories on what breed? I don’t really care about breeds, honestly. What matters is what kind of personality they have, not their genetics.22. Do they ever wake you up? YES. Recent time Ash woke me up: He was meowing for me to get out of bed so I went and saw he had a mouse. Sadly, I was not surprised by this. Recent time Sabrina woke me up: Came into my room and started ripping up my homework, lol. Silly girl.23. How much do they meow? They aren’t super loud, but Ash will meow when we go to get his food because he’s happy about it and wants to communicate. I always meow back. Sabrina’s meow is more squeaky, lol, and she does it when someone touches her unexpectedly of when she comes inside and sees me, or when she’s been picked up and she doesn’t like it.24. Any hiding spots? Ash likes to lie beneath the table and my chair, etc. Sabrina will hide behind the couch occasionally. They have both hidden beneath stools because the fabric will hang down to cover them, bu their paws and tails peek out so I always know they’re there.25. Do they enjoy guests? Depends. A hoard of screaming children? Hell no. A lot of people in one room? Nope! They’ll be in my room the entire time. One person carefully introducing themselves? Okay, now you’re talking.26. Lofty objects to sit on? The back of the couch. Various window sills.27. Wear a collar?(and describe collar?) Yes! They have matching collars. Ash’s one is blue, Sabrina’s is purple. They both have a magnet on to get through the catflap.28. How much shedding? Inevitable with such long-haired cats. There is so much cat fluff all through the house.29. Do they enjoy brushing? Sabrina LOVES brushing. Will purr the entire time, will make you feel so special. Ash hates it. Will only let me do it, and I still will come back a little scratched and bitten. He’s a vicious boy. I love him.30. Ever drink from the toilet? Lol, yes. They leave paw maks on the bowl. But Sabrina prefers to drink from the sink. She’s more proper that way. Sometimes, they even drink from the bowl.31. How do they get your attention? For Ash, meowing usually does the trick. Sabrina, you can call her sometimes but it’s best just to go up to her.32. Embarrassing thing they’ve done? Ash fell out of a window. His face, omg. He was so ashamed.33. Weirdest thing they try to eat? Ash likes to eat peas. There’s no try about it, he does it. Sabrina likes to try to eat paper and cardboard.34. Are they like your siblings, children, or friends? They’re my children. My babies.35. What time do they eat breakfast? Whenever they want. They self regulate their eating.36. Do you cut their nails? No? Why would I do that? How else will they scratch their foes?37. Do you think they understand you? Yes. Of course.38. Ever make fun of them? Of course. Ash can be so stupid and violent (He’s an Ed Nygma, lol). Sabrina pretends to be all innocent and perfect but she likes to play just as much and is SO desperate for the pats.39. Do you take their picture often? When I feel like it. I like taking pictures of them.40. Ever hiss at you? Not really. Last time I heard Ash hiss, it was because a baby was crawling towards him and Ash felt trapped and didn’t want to hurt the baby, so he was trying to tell it to go away. I don’t think I remember Sabrina hissing.41. Ever try to scratch or bite you? Yes :) Attack babies. Ash has no hesitation, loves clawing and biting. Sabrina Will claw to stay attached to you or to bring your hand closer to her face for PATS.42. If you try to grab their paw, what do they do? If they’re in a good mood, they do nothing. Otherwise, Sabrina will pull away, and Ash will bite you or scratch you or both. 43. Do they ever eat bugs? SO MANY BUGS. They don’t discriminate, if you are bug they are eating you. They bring them in to play with before they have their meal. They’re a bit sadistic, although I’m sure Sabrina would protest me saying that. The favourite is Wetas, which are exclusive to NZ as far as I know.44. Canned or dry food? Dry food. It’s better for their fur.45. Weight? Ash is heavier, around 7kg or so last time I checked. Sabrina was closer to 5kg. But it’s been a really long time since I checked.46. Ever got lost? Nope.47. Do you buy them presents? I am their present. I am a gift.48. Do they respond when you call? When they want to, lol.49. Do they ever see other cats? There are other cats on the street, but they don’t like each other.50. Declawed? NO!!!!!51. Funniest expression? Ash makes a face everytime he thinks I’m about to give him food. Sabrina likes to look around with her eyes barely open, silently judging you for being in her presence (and not patting her).52. Favorite place to be pet? Face. Cheeks, chin, fore head, FACE.53. Worst thing they’ve destroyed? A whole frozen chicken. We don’t talk about it.54. Give them a head kiss. I did. Sabrina made such a cute, squeky meow that I had to pat her afterwards. Ash was like “wtf are you doing?” I think he’s only interested in food atm, lol.55. What time of the year is most exciting for them? Spring. They go outside lots and the grass is super wet and they get leaves and shit stuck in their fur.56. Are they good at hunting real prey? They have killed two birds and one mouse and soooo many insects. Does that count?57. Do they ever attack nothing? Of course. Especially Ash. He stupid.58. What are they doing right now? Sabrina’s on the chair, wondering why I left her after giving her kiss and pats. Ash is licking himself.59. How long have you had them? About a year. My last cat I had 8 years.60. If you could have them stay as a kitten forever, would you? No. What would be the point? Cats are more peaceful than kittens anyway.61. Ever baby-talk to them? Everyday. They are babies.62. Favourite napping position? Ash is a lover of the C position, or loaf position. Sabrina is a big fan of Ball of Fur position.63. Have you ever stepped on their paw? No.64. Ever tripped you on stairs? Yes, lol. That’s what they get for running like that.65. Any ear hair? They gots furry ears, it’s cute.66. Favourite view from a window? They like to watch the birds nest out one of the windows, Ash especially.67. Describe why they are precious. Because they just are so preicous. Sabrina is so tiny and baby but also attac and playful but she deny it. Ash is stupid baby, scaredy cat but he attack and pretend to be brave and I love my brave scaredy-cat baby.68. Fit the cat stereotype? Some of them, yeah.69. Chaotic neutral? Lol, Ash is chaotic Evil, but Sabrina is def chaotic neutral, even though she claims to be lawful good.70. Do they enjoy following/ keeping you company? Yes, I believe they do.71. Are you their favourite human? Definitely.72. Do they like tv? I think so. I’ve caught them both watching my laptop screen over my shoulder.73. Favourite noise to make? They love to purrr and make their lil meows.74. If they were a Neko Atsume cat, what would their momento be? I don’t know what is is, lol

Wow, so many questions. You now know so much about my cats.