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#I’m proud of the person I’m letting myself be
arc-misadventures · 3 days
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Lady of the Sea of Dunes
Idea!
The Schnee's are from, Vaccuo, instead of. Atlas.
The Schnee's are faunas's.
And, Weiss is a white haired, tanned skin, fox faunas.
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Jaune: My thanks for rescuing me... I got lost from my party during a Grimm attack... Those dessert crawlers are absolute bastards.Dragged me for miles before I killed the dammed thing.
SDC Guard: No problem my good man. We are happy to help anyone in their time of need. The desert is a treacherous place after all. We either stand together as one, or fall to the sands alone.
Jaune: Wise words. It’s a shame only a few follow such words with their hearts, and not their lips.
SDC G: A true shame indeed.
Jaune: Hmm? Your uniform; are you a part of the Schnee Dynasty Corp?
SDC G: Yes. I am a proud member of the Schnee Dynasty Corp. Proud defender of her, Royal Highness people, and all of her holdings.
Jaune: So, is that akin to a like a police force, a military, or a royal guard?
SDC G2: Something like that, they are all under the same umbrella, but they are separate organizations.
Jaune: It’s only like that because you couldn’t come up with a catchy name for the rest, eh?
SDC G: Ha!
SDC G2: They tried.
Jaune: Ha. Hey, do you guys have a CCTS system I can hook up to? I need to catch up with my teammates, I need to let them know that I’m not dead.
SDC G2: That can be arranged.
SDC G: Yes, we wouldn’t want you friends to think you’re dead.
Jaune: Oh thanks! I greatly apricate that.
SDC G: Of course, but before we do that, one of the Ladies of the Desert wishes to see you.
Jaune: Ladies of the Desert? What’s that?
SDC G2: The Ladies of the Schnee family, are often called the, Ladies of the Desert. One of them wishes to meet the, Huntsmen that came here. That's not a problem now is it?
Jaune: A problem? No, no not at all. It would be rude if I don't thank my benefactor for saving me personally.
SDC G2: That's good! Ah. we're here! The royal palace.
Jaune: (Whistles~!) I like what you've done with the place.
SDC G: Thank you.
Jaune: So, who am I seeing? I like to be prepared so I don’t make an ass of myself in front of someone important. Again…
SDC G2: You will be meeting her majesty the Lady of the Dune Seas.
Jaune: The Lady of the what?
SDC G3: Now presenting! The Lady of the Dune Sea: Weiss Schnee!
Weiss: Hello, noble Huntsmen! I welcome you to my humble abode. I am, Princess Weiss Schnee, the Lady of the Dune Seas. What is your name?
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Jaune: ...
Weiss: ...?
SDC G3: Your name sir huntsmen?
Jaune: Huw, what?! Oh yeah! My name is, Jaune Schnee... Arc! Jaune Arc! N-Nice to meet you..
Weiss: Jaune.. Schnee? Oh my~! How bold of you~!
Jaune: Yes... Bold, and stupid...
Weiss: Fufufu~! I like you~! I think I’ll make you mine~!
Jaune: ...
Jaune: Yay!
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g3z0 · 2 days
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Boy next door P13
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P1 P2 P3 P4 P5 P6 P7 P8 P9 P10 P11 P12
Summary: You move from Florida to Boston in the middle the school year. Being the new kid is hard - being the new kid in the middle of the school year is even harder. Especially if you’re not good in making friends. But suddenly, there’s this boy who lives next door that caught your attention
Warnings: 💏
-gezo
Avoiding Kayla was harder than I thought it would be.
She would be on my ass 24/7 in school.
In the hallways, Lunch, my way to class, she almost followed me into the boys bathroom because she was telling me about her great date with Owen.
With Kayla being near me almost the whole school day Nick kept his distance.
That was pissing me off the most.
So I was fucking relieved as the Friday came in.
„Nick!“ I grinned at him as I approached him quickly, slowing my steps as I walked next to him.
„Chasey got home early. Wanna walk?“
The boy returned my smile and nodded „sure.“
We walked out off the school property and towards our houses.
„Wanna go to mine? Moms making sure always to cook for one person more.“ he smiled as he nudged me with his elbow.
My heart fluttered. „Yeah, that’s nice of her.“ I smiled to myself.
„You could sleep over again, mom and dad wouldn’t mind.“ he shrugged, looking over to me.
„she‘ll get lonely, won’t she? I’m just saying. You should spend more time with her.“
Fucking Kayla.
„Nah, not today.. I think I should sleep at home, moms mood is still not better.“ I breathed „sorry, Nick.“
Nick smiled and shook his head „don’t apologize. It’s alright.“
The didn’t talk for the rest of the walk. It wasn’t awkward. Things are never awkward with Nick.
Nick pushed the front door open and kicked his shoes off „home!“ he yelled through the house as he threw his backpack into the corner.
I rolled my eyes at his action and took my shoes off, placing mine and nicks out of the way.
I let my bag down next to nicks and followed him into the kitchen.
Immediately my nostrils were filled with the smell of Mary-Lou‘s cooking.
„Hey boys.“ Mary-Lou smiled.
„Hey mom.“ Nick smiled, peeking a kiss on his moms cheek before walking into the living room.
„Hey.“ I breathed, smiling down at her.
„Y/n! B+ in maths, hm? Nick told me about it, very proud of you darling.“ she smiled.
I felt my ears burn up in embarrassment. „Thanks..“ I smiled sheepishly before following Nick into the living room.
After we ate and had a chat with Mary-Lou we went into nicks room.
Nicks room felt much more home than mine.
I liked his silk bed sheets and his posters. And it smelled like Nick.
My favorite thing was his record player.
Nick put a vinyl of T. Rex in before he jumped next to me into the bed.
Sometimes we both just layed on his bed, staring up the ceiling, humming to music and moving our feet our hands to the rhythm from time to time.
It would have been awkward with everyone else. But like I said - Things are never awkward with Nick.
I had my eyes closed as we listened to the song Jeepster.
My hands were resting on my stomach and my knee occasionally brushed against nicks.
Only the slightest touch made butterfly’s grew in my stomach.
I had hoped that the things I feel when nicks around would just go away after some time.
But oh, I was so wrong.
It only got worse.
I tried to tell myself I thought Nick was cool. That it was nothing more than a friend crush.
Like not a real crush but you wanna be friends with that person so bad that it drives you insane.
Of course I thought that Nick was extremely cool. I also thought about how it would feel to press my lips against his.
Not a friend crush then.
„Hey, y/n?“
„Hm?“
Nick rolled to his side to look at me „you really want to go to prom with Olivia?“
I blinked my eyes open and turned my head to meet his gaze.
If you looked closely you could see Nick had light freckles spread across his nose. I wanted to count how many.
Shit, that’s weird.
„Yeah?“ I shrugged. „Why do you ask?“
He bit down his lip.
Fuck Nick, don’t do that.
„I just thought.. shouldn’t we go to prom with a real date? Like a person we like like?“ he mumbled.
I licked my lips „I suppose.. but then again there’s no one I like like.“ I lied through my teeth.
„Do you want to go with chasey?“ I asked.
He smiled a little „there’s barely any other guy that likes guys at our school. So yeah- I guess.“ he shrugged a little.
„How did you..“ I bit down my inner cheek and stared at him.
He smiled gently and rolled his eyes „go on, ask.“
„How did you know you’re gay?“ I asked hesitantly.
Nick rolled over to his back and stared up the ceiling „I just did.“ he shrugged „it was always there. I just needed time to figure it out.“ he explained.
I nodded a little.
Time to figure it out..
„How did you figure it out?“ I laughed a little and felt like I was stabbing holes into him with my questions.
Nick smiled and turned his head to look at me. „Crush on male cartoon characters as a kid.. crush on a male teacher when I was younger.“
„then eventually crush on a boy my age.“
I raised my eyebrows „you had a boyfriend?“
He nodded in response „mhm.“
I trained my eyes on his „and uhm.. what happened?“ I swallowed a little and tugged bottom lip between my teeth.
Nick poked his tounge against his inner cheek.
Oh god Nick, especially don’t do that.
„we broke up. He moved away.“ Nick shrugged a little.
„I see..“ I cleared my throat.
„Have you ever kissed anyone, y/n?“
I blinked at him for a second.
My ears started to get hot „yeah.. wasn’t that nice to be honest.“ I mumbled with a small smile.
„Really?“ he chuckled and rolled back to his side, our faces just inches away. „How come?“
I desperately tried to only look into his eyes.
My heart was bumping against my chest so hard, I was afraid he might hear it.
„Kayla kissed me.“
Nicks expression hardened. „Oh.“ he breathed.
„Oh..“ I breathed back, nodding a little.
„the night she slept over at my place. We were at a party before and she cried because she had a fight with Owen. I comforted her and then she just.. yeah.“ I explained to him, being embarrassed by it.
He frowned at me a little „so Kayla was your first kiss?“
I pressed my lips together and turned my face away, groaning in embarrassment.
Nick laughed a little „that’s completely fine. Really.“ he comforted me.
„Nah, it’s embarrassing to have your first kiss with 17.“ I sighed. „And I didn’t even want it.“ I almost whispered.
Nicks hand came up to my cheek, turning my face back towards his.
„I don’t think it’s embarrassing..“ he whispered.
Nicks face was so close to mine now, I could feel his warm breath on my face.
My throat went dry. „Okay..“ I whispered, my eyes moving down to his lips.
If someone just slightly pushed me, our lips would touch. I would kiss Nick.
Unfortunately, there isn’t anyone who would push me so my and nicks lips would touch by accident.
It’s just me and Nick. I have never been so frightened to be alone with him as now.
If he doesn’t move away any time soon I might do something incredibly dumb.
I looked back into his eyes and brought my hand up to his hair. I gently pushed my fingertips through his hair strains, enjoying the feeling of his soft hair brushing against my skin.
Nicks cheeks started to radiate pure warmth. I’m sure mine did also. At least it felt like it.
My cheeks felt hot. But then again my whole body felt hot.
Nicks eyes flicked over my face for a brief second. It took only a second to drive me over the edge.
Before I could to something about it I just snapped. Every rational thought has left.
I closed the distance between us, pressing my lips against nicks in a soft manner.
And that was the fucking scariest thing I ever did.
Nick didn’t respond and I felt his body stiffen a little.
I quickly pulled away and stared at him with wide eyes. He looked like a deer in headlights - wide eyes, parted lips.
„O-oh.“ I breathed shakily, pulling my hand away from his hair. „Fuck I-"
Before I could form a proper sentence, Nick grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me closer, closing the gap between us.
My eyes fluttered close and I breathed into the kiss, laying my hand on his hip as our lips moved gently against each others.
It was very different from the kiss with Kayla.
I didn’t feel anything but uncomfortable and awkward as Kayla kissed me but with Nick-
Oh Nick.
Adrenalin was pumping through my veins and my stomach tingled. Everything tingled.
Nick had very soft lips, a light taste of mint behind it.
It was hard to not let my hand roam around his body - to pull him closer.
But I didn’t want to push. I just wanted to enjoy it.
I parted my lips slightly and Nick slipped his tounge inside, deepening the kiss.
Okay, this was new.
I almost moaned at the new feeling.
Nicks thumb brushed across my cheek before he pulled away slowly.
I took a shaky breath and blinked my eyes open, looking at him.
He pushed my hair out of my face and smiled „was that okay?“ he whispered.
I nodded quickly „so okay.“ I breathed, returning his smile.
-
„You sure you don’t wanna sleep over?“ Nick mumbled as he ran his fingertips through my hair.
I sighed and tapped my fingertip against my phone display.
8:42 pm
„Yeah..“ I whispered, pressing my cheek against his chest. I closed my eyes and listened to his heartbeat.
„Okay..“ Nick whispered back.
We stayed like that for a few minutes more before I slowly stood up from the bed. „I should go.“ I breathed, not really wanting to.
Nick gave me a nod and also stood up. „Im gonna bring you downstairs.“
I smiled at him before I walked out of his room and down the stairs. I put my shoes on and grabbed my backpack.
Nick watched me before he opened his front door. „we’re hanging out tomorrow?“ he asked, tilting his head.
I nodded a little and walked over to him „yeah.“ I smiled down at him.
I looked around before I pressed my lips shortly against his. His cheeks turned a soft pink and he smiled up at me. „Night.“ he whispered.
„Good Night.“ I whispered back walking out of his house.
I smiled to myself as I put one feet after the other.
My heart was still beating fast and the butterfly’s were going crazy in my stomach.
I took a deep breathe to calm myself down and pushed my front door open.
„Im home!“ I said as I closed the door behind me.
No answer.
I sighed to myself and ran my hand through my hair.
I walked towards my moms bedroom, past the living room.
I stopped midway, something catching my attention in the corner of my eye.
My heart skipped a beat before it sunk down to my stomach.
„Mom..?“
Tags! @udotnknowme @sturnclouds @patscorner @miloisdone1 @thenickgirl @freshloveforthefit @nathandoesgf @m0r94n @sturniolo0ntop
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hectorthedoggo · 1 day
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oh yeah so i was slightly delirious earlier and i made this on impulse. oh boy. why did god give me a writing ability
“Pick up the knife.”
Is this fuckass creature serious? They stared at the knife, which had the Milgram logo emblazoned on it. Bro that shit’s ugly, I ain’t killing myself on that.
Seriously, who the hell designed this logo? I’m finna join Amane’s cult, at least the branding looks somewhat artistic.
Damn, wait, I can’t, she’s dead. I don’t know why the hell the voices voted everyone guilty this trial.
“C’mon, Es, let’s end this.”
Bro wants this to be symbolistic. “Um… you first?”
“What?” Jackalope was surprised by their sudden resistance. “Es, I’m still the keeper of this place. This isn’t a double suicide, it’s just you who’s supposed to die.”
“Pussy.” A word that Yuno often called Futa. It was fitting for the situation.
“What. I’m a male jackalope, what-”
Es was tempted to throw the knife at him, to let the intrusive thoughts win, but they assured themself, I’ll do that later. With more planning.
Mf killed all of my prisoners, I ain’t letting him leave this alive. I’m going out with a bang, and I’m gonna take him down with me.
If I gotta die, Milgram’s gonna die with me.
Es was a bad-
Shut, you.
WIth the power of the fourth wall, they somehow bit the voice. Wanting to die really brought out another side of people.
(The person behind the voice was sent to the hospital due to the bacteria from their bites. This child might have gotten rabies, somehow.)
They grabbed the knife, which Jackalope let out a sigh of relief. “Okay… okay! Es, c’mon, if you want to be a good warden, then just end it now.”
Es stared back at him, and grinned. They started to abruptly maniacly laugh, which scared the shit out of Jackalope. “I’m already a horrible warden; my prisoners died for crimes they didn’t deserve.”
“I- but that’s what you-”
“I have different standards than the voices. Those weren’t my verdicts.” Es broke the fourth wall again, threatening to give rabies to anyone who dared question their truth.
“Es, just-”
“The people have decided.”
“Who-”
“Chat GPT Chair oomf and crab.”
“Es. what the fuck are you talking about.”
They stared directly into the camera. “T H E Y  know exactly whan I’m talking about. They have given your guilty verdict.”
His eyes widened, as he realized what they were talking about.
“Die.” Es grabbed the knife, and immediately killed the rabbit.
His hat fell off, revealing his horns to be fake. Lmao.
They stabbed him more times than necessary. Their uniform was completely bloodstained; they were essentially a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Wolf analogies… would Kotoko be proud of me? I’ll meet her in hell ig.
They giggled like a maniac, and got kidnapped by an angel like a cat being picked up by its scruff because the author is tired of making Es kts / attempt. (this is totally not foreshadowing)
Why the hell am I in heaven? Girl I swore enough to kill an army of faries.
Despite their confustion, they lived happily ever after. Not many to none of the prisoners were in heaven with them. 
I cannot disclose who wasn’t in heaven due to wishing to not be cancelled.
The End.
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you-expect-too-much · 2 years
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Went on a day trip to Amsterdam and it’s taken me three days to recover 😩
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fennel-tea · 2 years
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That Awful OTP Meme, or: my Binah/Hod manifesto
I originally posted this on twitter but while this is mostly tongue-in-cheek I actually have a lot of thoughts on these two that are generally summarized by [god DAMN I love the interplay of two people who are varying degrees of Terrible]
or just, like, a Hannigram meme.
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cuteniaarts · 2 months
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Behold, my latest and most enamouring new obsession:
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Malina, Lady of the Chief of the Northern Water Tribe. As if Red Lotus child OCs weren’t niche enough
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#lok malina#still feel like that’s too vague of a tag but I can’t come up with anything better for now#and yeah. she has completely stolen by heart and I don’t know how to feel about that#don’t think I ever was this attracted to my own art before#to be fair the design isn’t mine. it’s very heavily based on something nina drew back in 2021#because I did not have the energy or creativity to come up with my own thing#but the art is all mine and I genuinely adore it. super proud of myself which is a rare occurrence#anyways. kat and I spent three days digging this niche lower and lower and now have a he#*hell of a lot of lore about this basically nonexistent character#for lore about a lady from the North Pole a lot of it is rather hot… to the point my cheeks are burning non stop#I would say I’d let her do anything she wants to me but in my very specific aroace-adjacent case it’s more like#I’d let her tell me to do anything she wants to her#if that makes any sense and I have not completely lost my goddamn mind yet#okay. enough yapping. back to the art itself#lazy background because I suck at those and am not currently attempting to learn them. I’ll probably do that over the summer#about time anyway. my characters have been placed against an off-white background for far. far too long#this is the first piece in just over a year that isn’t tagged with sotrl. which is kinda weird tbh#I’ve been drawing my OCs almost exclusively for nearly 5 years so it is genuinely surprise I’m branching out#*surprising#less branching out and more diving from one hole into another but y’know#anyway. in my personal and very correct opinion she turned out absolutely gorgeous#her servants are way too lucky and unalaq is way too much of an idiot. no offence to vaatu but he could never beat out this#and I also have Kat’s personal and very correct opinion to back up my own. two against the void. once again we’re winning#I wanna draw her a lot more bc she has completely possessed my brain. I just wish character interactions were easier to draw 😭#I’ll figure it out. just need to fight my visualisation issues for a proper idea. brb#okay I’m almost at the tag limit so. in summary:#she 🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵
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itspileofgoodthings · 10 months
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in the most concrete way yet I feel like I’m getting a handle on what my flaws and weaknesses actually are lol.
#self-absorption poor impulse control an addictive personality#fiercely independent/sensitive/proud past the point of reason#anyway it feels like a real breakthrough honestly#because I’ve always known that there was stuff wrong but only in a dim sense#and this is a slow-gathering clearer picture#because the problem is that flaws don’t feel like flaws at first (so obvious I know)#my impulse can feel like inspiration! a wave of emotion always feels good! I have a rich internal life there’s a lot to think about#with regards to myself#but actually those all can be such negative and hurtful traits.#also it kills my pride to know that the people who love me already know these Lol#because they’re the ones who have to live with them!! And who are affected by them!#anyway the self-absorption one especially. I feel like there’s been so much to work through and figure out this past year#that made me turn inward more#and some of it was necessary#but I’m so aware of how much I want to get out of that space. and truly be open to other people and experiences and the world#in a way that is not just filtered through my internal journey#anyway anyway (a final thought) the pattern of my 20’s has been either self-absorption or complete absorption into the one or two things#that I/my anxiety allowed into the space of my heart and mind#as a kind of counter to the teenage state which was just information pouring in from all sides#but I would like to be able to reopen some of those informational floodgates so to speak. and let stuff in in a real and balanced way#because I don’t think I’m going to drown or be swept away in it (I am so scared of losing my identity in a sea of information)#one of my root fears! but it’s like. No. Bones not made of glass etc. etc. so you can start to think about yourself less#you SHOULD#anyway thank you for listening. there have been some very good (self) revelations lately <3#painful ones! but good
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applepidotcom · 5 months
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Today I pushed myself to get out of my comfort zone again and I threw on the wheel for the second time ever and it was so informative 0.0 I didn’t sit down with a goal of making anything, but more so understand how the clay functions and reacts to my hands and the wheel in motion and it was soooo interesting!!! Frustrating and confusing honestly, but satisfying
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mielgf · 1 year
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wishing you all comfort, love, and contentment in 2023, whatever that may look like for you ✨❤️ happy new year!!
#talk time#just gonna take these tags to reflect on my 2022 if you’re proud of something from your year PLEASE let me know#this year i completely stepped out of my comfort zone and moved to a new city (a BIG city)#i grew mentally and emotionally so much during the first half of the year working and the final quarter back at school in a new place#i have become so much more confident and content with the person i am i have opened myself up more to others#my friendships grew stronger as i became a better communicator and less guarded with my affection#i made two new amazing friends (my roommates) and am so excited to see where those friendships go in the coming years#even in the lowest of times i coped and handled it so much more healthily than i ever have and that was how i knew i’m really getting better#i am so passionate about what i study and about my hobbies and interests#i worked hard on setting boundaries better and while there is def room for improvement i’m celebrating the victory nevertheless#i am the healthiest i have ever been both mentally and physically bc i truly prioritised my own well being this year#i have become much more gentle with myself#and while there are obviously fallbacks and bad points: i am so so proud of the progress i made in 2022#i love my family i love my friends and i love myself#i did my absolute best this year in every domain and for that i am grateful to myself#this is the first new year in a while that i have been coming in so unbelievably hopeful#and dare i say even happy… damn
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paprikaquinn · 1 year
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Spring 2023 semester is over!
I passed my 8AM math class with a B.
My other classes with A’s.
And I’m graduating this Thursday!
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ghostadas · 10 months
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At 30 years old, I have been formally diagnosed with ADD/ADHD inattentive type 😤 honestly I’m just feeling super relieved to have an answer and actually be able to receive treatment for it!! I’m tired of struggling all the time!!! I am in the drivers seat of my life etc etc
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m-a-d-e-l-e-i-n-e · 1 year
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Is it normal to be so obsessed with the idea of being a good or I guess even unproblematic person, to the point where you’re nit-picking every single little thing you say or do and feel like shit about yourself for not always fitting your own idea of being a “perfect” person? …what do you mean “no”?
#like there has to be a term for this 😭#I feel like I’ve become so self-aware that I’m ruining my own life with it#it’s for the dumbest shit too. oh I didn’t make eye contact with someone I passed by on the sidewalk??#well clearly I’m a rude absolute bitch and they hate me now and I have no manners#I don’t think this makes sense#I’ll think in terms of what I wrote in my post about other people too not just myself#like sometimes I’ll start to think someone’s not a good person over like one thing they’ve said or done#and applied it to other scenarios like ‘oh well if they were willing to say/do this then they would do xyz too’#…or like ‘if they’re willing to say/do this then they’re probably even meaner in their head or with people other than me’ you know#I’ve done and said things I’m not proud of so many times just like EVERYONE ELSE#but for some reason my brain will just not let it go and I always think I’m a terrible person and a disappointment#but then on the other hand I’ll think oh well I can’t be that bad if I’m always calculating how I react to things#and am actually bothering to think critically about it#I feel like there’s so little goodness in the world and I try to be a nice person but I feel like a fake and that I’m not really one#can’t even stand up for myself or make a joke without constantly chewing myself out#gets tiring but I’ve thought like this for a while now#well that’s my writing goal for the week done#personal#txt
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delta-piscium · 1 year
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I put it in my tags but your steddie walking ficlet is what made me realize my best friend does the same thing to me I just thought he liked walking a lot
this is absolutely delightful to me, thank you so much for letting me know and I hope I didn’t ruin it by making you realize that
I wrote that because I tell myself I don’t need to go on walks and I absolutely do or I will loose my mind a bit
then like once a week I’ll go on a long walk and be like “oh wow I feel great, rejuvenated, whatever could it be?” and the cycle repeats and I’m so tired, I need someone to take one for the team and take me on walks, I’m about to start chewing on the furniture
anyways your best friend seems great, truly what a guy
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Got my first year grades back lads and I did really well!! I’m super proud of myself for managing to get good grades, considering how difficult this year was for me in terms of grappling with my new reality of being disabled/chronically ill, as well as figuring out uni after being out of education for 3 years.
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bo0zey · 2 years
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me, afraid to develop a benzo addiction so doesn’t take any of my prescribed clonazepam for >1yr : eek!!😨😰no thx!!😓😓
me, 1 year of worsening escapist behavior + 6.5mg klonopin later: now THIS is the shit im talkin bout😎😎🤤🤤
#IM NOT CONDONING DRUG ABUSE PLSSS TAKE UR PRESCRIPTIONS AS PRESCRIBED!!#benzodiazepines are only rlly addictive if the person starts abusing them. not if ur taking them as prescribed#also i can’t just keep doing this on the regular degular ok this was a blip in the simulation#i just had an awful spiraling start to my day at 6am and just wanted to sleep away the pain of realizing i’ll never have my mom again#everything i wanted someone to feel abt me everything i wanted them to say that they love me that they’re proud that they’re going to miss#i was so desperate to be comforted i even left my room and went up to my dad before he left for work and he didn’t even notice the tears#then the waterworks started and my dad finally hugged me against his chest#i felt so small like a child 22 year old me jsut wanted to be comforted by her dad like#like a child all over again#but ik i had to get it together i couldn’t be a child forever so i let go#i went back to my room n i couldn’t qualm the sobbing abandoned child within i couldn’t give her her mom back#all i could do to make this anxiety this pain this desire to see her again right now now now.#all i could do was take my anxiolytic and hope it put me to sleep. just for a little while#i only wanted to sleep for just a little while until the storm passed and i woke up n forgot what it feels like to miss my momma#she wrote her last letter to me and i spiraled at her words#‘i’m really going to miss YOU’ as i tell myself over and over i don’t rlly miss her i’m numb to her absence#‘ our coffee dates. car rides. shopping’ i don’t remember any of those things not clearly at least#’sitting in the couch together holding your hand while running my fingers through all that hair of yours’#that’s all i want . someone to run their fingers through my hair. but she’s not here anymore no one wants to love me like she did#‘you know your self worth like i taught you when you were just an itty bitty little baby’#how would she feel now if she knew my self worth was 0 it’s nothing i’m worthless i’m alive to be used n abused i’m not worth anythin#not worth anything good#i always thought she was my best friend. in her letter she said i was her best friend .i always thought my feelings were one sided. but no#she said she’d look at me and it was like looking into a mirror#now when i look into a mirror i don’t recognize the reflection they’re a stranger to me#was she my mirror too??? and now that she’s gone i don’t know who i am anymore????#if she’s gone i might as well be gone too#these awful thoughts needed to stop i needed to sleep so i took 12x the amt im supposed to#it’s not gonna happen again. but i won’t lie it was nice while it lasted#ramblings
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ziracona · 1 year
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I am finding that the more I learn about and understand and even like myself, the less palatable I become.
It’s very hard. To know what to do.
I am making sense to myself for the first time in years. I am proud of who I am finding out I am. I am relieved to be making peace and headway. But even when I find relief in acceptance of something I was ashamed of before, I cannot un-hide it from the world. It was buried for a reason.
I am not afraid of the other parts of me, or ashamed of them. I’m glad they’re with me. I am not ashamed of being them, but I am afraid of what other people will think and do if they know. I cannot make them feel the way I do.
I like the parts of me I am discovering and making peace with, healing.
But they were broken for a reason.
The more of them I fix and find, the less of myself I can share with anyone.
It’s hard.
To be more okay and more awake. To dig up parts you buried. And then brick them up in the walls.
#I think you can’t understand this if it’s not what you are. and it’s not always the same. sexuality and romance were not as hard for me#because they weren’t something at play every second of every day of my life. they’re part of me. big parts. but they aren’t /me/.#I think trans people do get it. certain mental illnesses. personality disorders. things that are never gone. always you always there always#screaming to be known and acknowledged and let out. you can’t imagine how hard that is#how it is not to want to hide something or be ashamed of it. to want it to be known and grown and loved. and have to hide it in the walls of#your head so it doesn’t discomfort the people you love. so they’re not sad. or too worried. or disappointed. or because you’re scared. of#all the new ways people from laws to loved ones could and would hurt you as soon as they caught wind#for every choice to talk even a little to be a balancing act potentially with the rest of your life.#you cannot begin to know the rage and the pain and the hopelessness of that and knowing the situation will /never/ change#it’s not sometimes it’s always. always you want you you like and know to be known and loved and supported and helped to heal and grow. to#get to just /be/ at all. to get to be alive instead of always hiding in the shadows jumping at noise#and having no hope you will ever get there at all. even with just ten people for the rest of your life#to have pieces click into place for the first time in decades and the machine starts and you are proud and relieved and joyful#but you have to hide it for the rest of your life because it would be too painful for people who love you and it’s selfish to cause pain#why? it’s not fair. it shouldn’t cause pain. I’m not ashamed or scared. people who love me shouldn’t be either. why is it wrong to openly#be who I am to people who love me? why is it right to brick myself up again? why doesn’t anyone say ‘no you’re wrong#don’t brick it up.’ why can’t I either? I know the situation. I know you have to put survival first#that does not. make it fair#poetry#痛い痛い痛い痛い痛い#don’t ask me what this is about. if I can’t talk to my own family I sure as hell am not going to talk to a stranger about it
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