If Dave is a Naturally Occurring Creature He Would Have Descended From Basically a Giraffe

Ok so you might be starting to notice a pattern with my rationals.

I make some bizarre, frankly insane, unhinged, and and shitpost-esque claim and then I go into detail as to why it actually makes sense.

This is no exception.

This doesn’t apply if he’s just some magical creature or was created in a lab, only if he evolved naturally which actually is surprisingly possible. Specifically with the theory of him being an alien lifeform that somehow ended up on earth. Which again, shitpost like idea that actually has some reasoning behind it.

To not go too far in, everything about Dave’s biology is possible, the only thing unlikely if he’s an alien is the fact he’s so humanoid, so much so in fact that he could be wrongly classified as a metahuman. He is also compared by Jack to an alien ingame, although Jack might not be a good source because he clearly doesn’t know what Dave is just as much as the next guy, and they probably dated or at least hooked up in Vegas. Jack also seems to think he’s just deformed at points in the game, which no, he’s not.

Doggo himself claims Dave is a Cryptid, not a human, but a Cryptid is not a set creature so he could still be just about anything. Also Dave is biologically impossible to actually be human. While he is humanlike to a point of strangeness for his evolution being so convenient, he can’t possibly be human. Why? Because any one of Dave’s weird traits is FAR too much for a human deformation. He has scales, a stretching and retractable neck, he’s purple, his blood is purple, his teeth are rarely visible, he is missing a ton of facial features, and more. A deformed human could not have any of these traits especially not all together. For instance, purple pigmentation is insanely rare and our bodies most definitely do not contain the chemicals for it, much less for purple blood and scales.

Now to get onto the actual theory.

In every environment there are a set number or niches, these being different diets, hunting strategies, and adaptions any animal can lean towards.

Most of these don’t matter for the essay, only the one that both earth Giraffes and Dave would have to fill, that of the so called “Browser”.

My theory for this is that Dave’s species was a small, apelike omnivore specializing in eating insect like creatures and plants. However they were likely at the bottom of the food chain, needing to hide a lot, and struggling with heavy competition from other local animals with similar diets who were much more adept for eating this way. However there was no creature yet that could take advantage of treetops.

Mixed with the need to be still able to fit into small spaces use tools, and not be horribly unbalanced as Dave’s species was probably at least semi-bipedal and already capable of using rudimentary tools when the evolution started in this direction as if he hadn’t been he would probably just be a giraffe with a retractable neck and no sentience.

My theory on how the neck works is that it doesn’t actually add any more length, rather there’s an empty pocket in his body in which it coils up on itself and still sticks out slightly, the muscles in both his neck, torso, and legs would probably have to be pretty strong to support this but it would allow the species to be both human sized to avoid extra predation and still be the only creature to be able to capitalize on the foliage on top of the trees. The neck probably got shorter as necessity was removed as survival traits often tend to regress in sentient creatures, for instance humans can no longer digest raw meat when once we could.

I know it’s weird that I have gone as far as to try to explain Dave’s neck and it’s possible evolutionary purpose given that he’s a self proclaimed “aubergine” in a meme game and is simply referred to as a Cryptid, however I loved Alien Biospheres, All Tomorrows, Man after Man, and the many other thousands of speculative biology projects and I love DSAF, so I can’t help but biologically analyze the character who the other characters canonically can’t identify species wise.

This essay is over now, begone.

Had to get on this quickly 🧍

Charles lurking in the back:

lmao not people getting angry at a fucking meme in the comments, like fuck off, you didn’t even know her💀

the thing that really gets me about Ylfa and Pinocchio is how badly they want the adults they respect and like to also really like and respect them. we’ve seen Ylfa do this from the beginning, her world has been rocked by losing or being betrayed by the adults who loved and raised her, so it makes sense that she’d do things like take half of Tim’s damage and guard Rosamund when they first meet someone new. and yeah of course Pinocchio was gonna go out on his own once they got to toy island. he was always going to try to reclaim the joy his old home brought him and I think that used to be enough for him. but it isn’t anymore, because now, these people have shown him that he’s not morally deficit for making the choices he had to make. so now it’s not enough to go play with Candlewick because he also wants to make Gerard like toy island. because Gerard was the most annoyed they had to go there in the first place and when you’re a kid, you want to show the adults in your life that the things you care about are cool and fun because you need them to validate those big feelings you have about it. he wants these people to like the things he likes and have a good opinion of him, because for so long everyone he cared for just told him he needed to do better, and he can’t process that they don’t like him because the things he does are cool, they like him because he’s him, because before now, no one ever has.

Dndads patrons whats ur favourite mbic and why ???

chapter sucked gege sucks stop talking about “yuuta beat the fraud allegations” as if the chapter was good he did not do anything worthwhile it sucked im mad whatever

What the fuck.

the month of may has been so good to lord huron fans . i’m lightheaded

I really just need men to wear skirts. Like all the time. For no reason at all. Just normally. I want every guy to spend the morning going “hmmm skirt today, shorts or pants” and pick the skirt more often then not bc they like it. This is not a sex thing. But it’s also totally a sex thing.

I got a rlly funny anon this morning and I’m not gonna post it but I hope whoever sent it knows you don’t know the depths of the “/neg” that I’m doing in my discord dms rn.

ricky trying to pull the "not too fond of gay people" card on hook like he didnt let hobbs reupholster his guts mere hours before

I AM UNWELL THIS IS SENDING ME INTO ORBIT MY STOMACH HURTS

lord jesus i am a weak weak man because that just ripped me apart REUPOLSTER HIS GUTS??????????

aw shit yeah i’m gonna cut out a stencil of the ac/dc logo so i can make my own shirt oh my god why did i cut out the middle bit of the A now it looks like a penis

Don’t congratulate me, it was never supposed to get this bad 🥲

Go and hide and run away

Run away, run and find something better

Go and ride the sun away

Run away like it's simple

Like it's right

Jamie is over, and where can I turn?

Covered with scars, I did nothing to earn

Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn

But that wouldn't change the fact

That wouldn't speed the time

Once the foundation's cracked

And I'm

Still hurting

why did the middle aged guy actually respond (still not getting my hopes up) but the dude who actually around my age, who commented “I already like you” NOT? god has his jokes down pat this shit is hilarious if i wasn’t on the fucking brink

Crazy how Straight people are reacting to Bros and how White people are reacting to Little Mermaid and how we really think no more progress needs to fucking be made just because it’s a little more frowned upon if we get killed in the streets

tbf maybe its just because im from the dungeons and daddies killed god by pissing in his mouth fandom but im genuinely so suprised by how many people are upset with fh for the k2 bit or for this season being so "silly" like... it didn't even cross my mind to be disappointed