because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

in my head the star wars equivalent of tswift is some human woman named tay’lor spiff or something and her stans are losing their minds over theories that she’s secretly a jedi singing about the horrors of war, even though she’s from a neutral system that hasn’t seen so much as a moral panic in 50 years

the intrepid heroes reached new levels of Accurate Teenage Friendship tonight

4, 9 and 14 for the ask game?

4. Is there a popular pairing you don't necessarily dislike but aren't too invested in?

Ohoho. Y'all don't crucify me. But I'm not actually super big on Paulkins. Are they adorable? Yes. Made for each other in every universe? Seems so! Am I actively invested on making/reading fics about them? .....no. I like them they just aren't as big to me as it seems to be for the rest of the fandom 😭

9. Write a recommendation of someone else's fic you enjoyed!

ohhhh my god oh my god. it's like hearing a ticking sound coming from unmarked packages (something isn't right here) by @dollarstoreartsupplies is probably straight up my favorite fic of all time. I love the mood and Pete's building stress, the flashback sequences are so well written and add to the lore a great deal, I love imaginary friend Lords aus and this one hit a lot of what I love about it, and it just captures Pete's voice so well and?????? genuinely irl I am vibrating as I type this. (hello author if you see this sorry i tagged you i just absolutely had to give credit where credit is due bc your fic fucking rules)

14. Is there a character or ship you were so sure you would never write/draw but now you've changed your mind?

If this counts way back in 2018/2019 I really didn't like Ted, refused to draw him, and he never showed up in any of the fics I wrote for myself. My first two Hatchetfield fics I put on ao3 were Ted-centric. It's because of Time Bastard, I think.

how to grow the fuck up

Hello. New York-esk City be upon ye

I need to (remembers to not make casual suicide jokes in order to encourage a more outwardly positive mindset and healthy conversational environment in my day to day life) kill myself

grinding and cramming for finals when I'd rather be grinding and cramming. in like a sex way or something. i guess. i dunno. shuffles away sadly. hits my head on a low-hanging branch and bleeds out in the snow

Hey. Don't cry. Estimated 120 million feral pigeons worldwide, ok?

this is for all the people who enjoy simply looking at pigeons doing their thing

401

295

295

she has done so much for society.

Blue Jay (Cyanocitta cristata)

April 18, 2024

Southeastern Pennsylvania

combining the fact that max is aware of the audience/Watchers and the meta nature of his existence with a redemption au is so funny. can you imagine max just casually slipping in to conversation that they're all characters in a musical. max lives au but the rest of the nerds are all having existential crisis'