#I remember when people would comment about me being way too skinny!
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There is nothing that will inspire you to try and lose weight more than someone taking a picture of you from the side without your knowledge during a week-long consultant conference and then including that picture in a powerpoint presentation for the SVP over your department (and possibly other high level executives as well).
Yes. this is coming from personal experience.
I would like to say over the past week since I officially started this journey, that I have lost 1 whole pound! (It's about the small, progressive victories, right?)
I might have lost another pound, but one of my coworkers just had to bring donuts to work on Wednesday and I have not yet built up enough willpower to completely resist them. But I did at least limit myself to just 2 (and one of the ham and cheese croissants that he also brought that morning).
#personal#mine#how the hell did I get fat?#when did I get fat?#I remember when people would comment about me being way too skinny!#I literally used to be just skin and bones#and very strong hidden muscles.#I want to get back to that#not quite that skinny but at least closer that than to where I am now#run-on sentence#I used to have those in my posts all the time#back when I was skinnier#maybe using those again will help?#might as well try anything
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Movie Night
Han Jisung x thick female reader
Word count: 9.6k (yowza)
A/N: 18+ only! So, I wanted to write this story after the Chan's room comment on his last vlive. I was already working on a Jisung fic and when this idea hit me I HAD to rework the plot because I needed to write this. I hope people that relate to this story know that their worth is not based on their appearance or weight. Everyone has insecurities, fat, skinny, whatever. The content of your heart is what matters and how you treat others. I hope everyone always remembers that. I hope you enjoy reading and if you do, please leave a comment, like, reblog, shoot me an ask, I love the feedback! As always warnings and smut below the cut!
Warnings: MDNI 18+ ONLY! Strong language/cursing, Weight and body image issues are a big part of the plot in this fic, if that can be triggering for you, you might skip this one! Dry humping, fingering, oral sex (f receiving), unprotected piv sex (please don't do this, use protection), cream pie, overstimulation, cum eating, hella praise and pet names (baby, jagi etc), squirting, Jisung get a little possessive but not in a toxic way, mentioning of coming on breasts, mentioning of oral sex (m receiving) and coming in mouth. I think that's everything but if I ever miss a warning, please let me know and I'll add it immediately.
You and Jisung loved having movie nights together. The other guys enjoyed watching movies too but not the way you and Jisung did. You would over load on snacks and sugar and throw popcorn at each other or the screen when the main character of whatever film you were watching did something predictably stupid. It was forty percent watching the movie, sixty percent critiquing, and one hundred percent fun. You were a two-person episode of MST3K minus the robots. Movie nights with Jisung were the highlight of your week.
It was probably pretty obvious to anyone with eyes that you had a crush on Jisung. Regardless of how obvious it was you would never admit that. Not to him, not to anyone. You weren’t his type and you knew that. You were heavier, perhaps a bit more than beauty standards would consider ‘aesthetically pleasing’, at least that was the view you had of yourself. You knew that didn’t mean you weren’t pretty but you were bigger and you also had eyes. You saw the kind of girls Jisung went after on the rare occasions you had gone to clubs together and they most definitely did not look like you. You also could see what HE looked like. He was not only beautiful and fit but funny and kind. Guys like him didn’t go for girls like you and it was fine. That was fine.
You cherished the friendship you had with Jisung and wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize that no matter how strong the feelings you had for him were. What you didn’t realize was that Jisung was trying to deal with the fact that he had feelings for you too. At first, he didn’t see you as any more than a good friend that also happened to be a girl. You weren’t the type of girl he would typically go for. After being friends with you a couple of years now he had become endeared by you and after your last movie night Jisung had come to realize he was completely bewitched and he had absolutely no idea what to do or say now. He was sure you felt the same but he still was holding onto some reservations about perusing something with you and he wasn’t sure why he felt that way when you both were so clearly perfectly matched.
You and Jisung loved movie nights together. So, it wasn’t unusual for you to be snuggled up on the couch under a blanket at the dorm with Jisung on a Friday night with three or four movies on standby. What was unusual this particular Friday was the awkward air hanging between the two of you. Everything seemed fine the week before and nothing seemed out of the ordinary that night so far. You had agreed on horror movies and you were well into your second one. The first had actually been pretty scary, making you jump a few times gripping Jisung’s arm and hiding your face, cuddling in closer to him under the shared blanket. The movie you were watching now hadn’t been as bad until it was. One of the main girls was slinking through a dark decrepit house and was suddenly snatched from behind by the crazed killer, practically sending you sailing out of your skin. Jisung tensed up when you buried your face in his shoulder for the umpteenth time that night.
You hadn’t realized it but every time you pressed your plush body closer to Jisung his posture had stiffened as well as other parts of his body. He was very happy for the blanket or hiding his hard on might not have been so simple. There had been something out of the ordinary that night, for Jisung at least, and that was your choice in attire for movie night. You both always opted for pajamas because comfort duh, but you had come out of the bathroom that night after changing into pajamas Jisung had never seen you in before. A crop top with matching fuzzy shorts. His throat went dry the moment he saw you. It was the most of your skin he’d ever seen. He knew you were self-conscious about your body so you usually kept pretty covered up, even now the crop top wasn’t particularly revealing and the shorts weren’t that short but seeing your silky thighs and the fact that he could tell you weren’t wearing a bra under the crop top had Jisung ready to burst.
When you noticed his tense body language you realized you were practically laying on top of him. Even though you loved being close to Jisung you backed off of him a little, worried you might be making him uncomfortable with your weight on him like that.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to... I mean... I’m sorry if I’m crushing you.” Jisung hated hearing you say that. So you were bigger, it didn’t matter, not to him. Even if he had thought you weren’t his type before because of that. He was an idiot. He knew now no matter what size you were you were he thought you were fucking gorgeous. He couldn’t take his eyes off you. He didn’t want you to move further away. He looked at you, his gaze soft and shook his head. He wrapped his arm around your waist under the blanket and pulled you close again.
“No, you’re not. It’s fine. You’re fine.” Your face felt like it was on fire and your cheeks turned pink. You bit your lip, an unconscious nervous tick and Jisung’s eyes darted towards them. You looked away unable to keep eye contact. Not when he was pulling you close, not when he was holding you, not when his fingertips were grazing the soft flesh of your waist where your shirt had ridden up a bit, not when he was looking at you like... THAT.
“y/n?” Jisung’s voice was just above a whisper and even though you heard him call your name clearly you still couldn’t meet his gaze and you pretended to focus on the movie. He hooked his finger under your chin and tilted your head up towards him. Was this really happening?! Jisung slowly started to lean in closer.
“Ji... I...” He only shook his head and focused on your lips as he closed in. You closed your eyes and you could feel Jisung’s warm breath fan across your face, the warmth of his lips hovering so closely to yours. You held your breath waiting to feel just how soft his lips really were. Finally.
“Han-ah! Do you know whe-” Changbin came around the corner and stopped short when he saw you and Jisung jumping, catching you just about to kiss.
“Oh! Shit! Sorry I didn’t mean-” Jisung backed up practically pushing you away when he realized Changbin was also in the room and he started stuttering.
“You didn’t! I mean there was nothing... we’re watching movies.” You swallowed the lump that had quickly formed in your throat and scooted further away from Jisung which did not go unnoticed by either of the men. Changbin cleared his throat.
“Yea, okay, well do you know where the protein shaker is? I wanted to hit the gym tonight.” Jisung popped up from the couch quickly.
“Yea. It’s in the kitchen. I can show you; I need a drink anyway. Y/n? Do you need a drink or anything?” You had started focusing on the movie again trying to ignore the feeling in your chest. You glanced quickly at him and then back at the screen slightly shaking your head no. He bit his lip knowing your feelings were hurt by how he’d reacted when Changbin walked in, when you had just been so close to kissing, and he felt guilty. He didn’t want you to think it was because of you, it really wasn’t. When he came back, he’d explain.
“Okay, I’ll be right back.” You could feel your eyes sting, the familiar burn of tears wanting to surface but you kept your eyes trained on the tv and nodded. Jisung and Changbin went off into the kitchen leaving you in the living room alone, where you took some deep breaths and composed yourself. Maybe it was best Changbin had interrupted. He’d just kept you from making an absolute fool of yourself and ruining your friendship. You went to take a drink of your soda only to find it empty. You kicked yourself for not just telling Jisung yes when he asked if you needed a drink, you pushed yourself up off the couch and headed towards the kitchen. Once Changbin and Jisung had gotten to the kitchen Changbin turned to him with an eyebrow quirked and his nose scrunched.
“OOoookay what was THAT?!” Jisung played stupid like he had no idea what Changbin was talking about. He just wasn’t comfortable with the topic of him and you just yet, not when he wasn’t sure what to do about his feelings. It was awkward for him to admit to Changbin how he felt about you when he hadn’t even told you yet. It would be with any of the guys, he wasn’t completely sure why.
“What?! What was what?!” You had made it just outside the of the kitchen when you heard Changbin scoff.
“Y/n!? Come on... I didn’t think you were into girls like... her...” Jisung’s brows furrowed, he didn’t know what to think about what Changbin seemed to be insinuating.
“Wh-what do you mean?” Changbin rolled his eyes.
“You know... bigger.” It was just a word and it was trued but the way Changbin said bigger made you feel absolutely disgusting and the tears you had managed to fend off in the living room were fighting back with a vengeance. It had already been awkward and now Jisung felt embarrassed so he lied when Changbin insinuated again that Jisung was into you.
“No, I mean what do you mean into? I’m not into y/n?” Changbin scoffed again.
“Oh yea? What was all that I just walked in on then?” Jisung rubbed the back of his neck thinking of an excuse; but why? Why couldn’t he just say that he did like you? Why couldn’t he just say he WAS about to kiss you? What was so terrible about that? Why did he feel so awkward about it? Why did he feel like Changbin would laugh at him or make fun of if he told him? He just wanted to make a quick excuse, whatever would end the conversation.
“Dude, she’s got a crush on me. She was all over me but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. She isn’t really MY type...”Jisung was still and idiot. You thought the inflection Changbin had put on bigger made you feel like garbage, that was until you heard the way Jisung say you weren’t ‘his type’. You knew that but it didn’t make it any easier to hear. You hadn’t even realized the tears were trailing down your cheeks at that point. You didn’t need or want to hear anymore. You quietly grabbed your overnight bag, put on your slides and left.
Jisung had heard the front door click closed. All the other guys were still out so it could have been any one of them coming in but when a couple of minutes had passed and no one had walked through the dorm Jisung walked back out into the living room to check on you and found it empty, the movie paused and the blanket you had been sharing in a heap on the floor in front of the couch.
“y/n?” Jisung walked towards the bathroom to check and see if maybe you had gone in there. He knocked but the door creaked open and the bathroom was unoccupied.
“y/n?” He decided to go back and check his room although it wasn’t likely you were there and Jisung could feel anxiety creeping up on him. He thought back about the look on your face when he’d left you in the living room. He opened the door to his room and as he had suspected, you weren’t in there. He made his way back through the living room on a mission and Changbin tried to stop him.
“What’s up? What’s going on?” Jisung moved Changbin out of his way and walked towards the foyer, seeing your bag and shoes were gone.
“FUCK.” Changbin walked up behind Jisung.
“What? Fuck what?” Jisung spun around and Changbin could see the worry on his face.
“You... you don’t think she heard us, do you?” Changbin’s face softened when he realized you were what Jisung was worried about. He gave him a sympathetic look and shrugged his shoulders.
“FUCK!” Jisung slipped on his shoes and jacket and ran out the door hoping you weren’t too far ahead of him. It was the time of year that it was starting to get a bit chilly when the sun was down and tonight was the coldest it had been yet. It wasn’t freezing but definitely too cold for you to be walking off in what you were wearing, not to mention not safe. When Jisung got out to the street he looked up the sidewalk one way and then the other but didn’t see you. He ran in the direction of the closest bus stop and when he rounded the street corner, he saw you under the florescent lights of the bus stop enclosure. You had your big bag by your feet and had your arms wrapped around yourself, hugging your body, clearly trying to keep warm as you waited for the next bus on the line. Jisung ran up towards you.
“y/n!? Hey! Why’d you take off? It’s fucking freezing out here, take my jacket. Let’s go back inside and finish the movies...” Jisung took his coat off and went to put it around you but you pulled away and tightened your grip on your arms.
“No, I’m going home. Sorry I was all over you. I know I’m too... heavy... for that. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I’m just... I’m just gonna to go home.” You did your best not to choke on your words and Jisung winced at them knowing you weren’t only upset about how he’d reacted to Changbin but you had heard everything they had said in the kitchen as well.
“y/n... I... please come back inside you shouldn’t be outside dressed like this.” Of course, he meant he didn’t want you catching cold only wearing shorts and a crop top. You looked away not wanting Jisung to see the fresh tears that were pricking your eyes.
“I knew I shouldn’t wear stuff like this. I’m only going to bed when I get home so I’ll just deal with the stares on the bus.” He bit the inside of his cheek until he tasted blood and shook his head.
“I... I didn’t mean it like that y/n... it’s cold out you’re gonna get sick. Please, come back to the dorm.” You finally looked at Jisung and he could see just how hurt you were, your tear rimmed eyes that were already getting puffy and red. That was the final straw, he was a complete asshole.
“Just... go finish the movies without me Jisung. I’ll... I’ll see you the next movie night.” He sighed in defeat knowing you were definitely not going back to the dorm with him tonight.
“Look at least take my coat so you don’t catch your death out here and let me wait with you until the bus shows up.” You let Jisung put his coat over your shoulders this time and huddled into the left-over body heat from Jisung having it on.
“I’d really rather be alone right now Jisung.” You knew you weren‘t going to be able to get a hold of yourself and stop crying if he stayed. He shook his head, sliding a bit closer to you on the bench wanting to be close to you again and hoping some of his body heat might warm you.
“It’s not safe for you to be out here at night alone.” You slid away putting distance between you again and looked at your feet like they were the most interesting thing in the world and Jisung’s chest felt tight.
“I’ll text you when I’m home Ji. Just... please...” Your voice started to faulter and Jisung didn’t push any further.
“Okay. Alright. Please let me know when you’re home safe?” You bit your lip and nodded still looking down as tears welled up in your eyes again.
“Good night y/n.” Jisung wanted to lean over and hug you, give you a kiss on your forehead, SOMETHING to comfort you. Instead, he just gave a little nod and headed back to the dorm to give you the space you asked for. When Jisung walked back inside Changbin was on his way out to the gym.
“Hey, everything cool?” Jisung looked distracted but then it registered that Changbin had spoken to him.
“Oh, uh. I talked to her... she’s going home.” Changbin nodded and headed towards the door but stopped and turned back.
“Look, Han-ah, there really isn’t anything between you and y/n?” Jisung really didn’t want to talk about it and didn’t want to deal with Changbin messing with him about it anymore but after you hearing him and Changbin in the kitchen and the way you looked at him down on that bus stop he was certain you’d never want anything to do with him, he’d be lucky if you still wanted to be his friend, so he shook his head.
“No Bin, we’re just friends.” Changbin nodded and cleared his throat.
“So, it would be okay if say, I wanted to ask her out on a date?” Jisung’s eyes flashed in Changbin’s direction instantly.
“What?!” Changbin rubbed at the back of his neck and looked a little sheepish.
“Well yea, I mean she’s really cute man and she’s nice and like I was saying in the kitchen before I know she’s not really YOUR type but you guys are super close so I just wanted to be sure you weren’t interested in her and see if... you know... if you were cool with me asking her out.” Jisung was at a complete loss for words as Changbin waited for a reply. He wondered how many times in one night he could think to himself that he was an idiot. He’d thought Changbin was being judgmental with his line of questioning in the kitchen but he was interested in you. Even if he had been being judgmental why, WHY did it matter?! It fucking didn’t. Because it didn’t change the way you made Jisung’s heart race just thinking about you. Changbin saw the look on Jisung’s face and knew the answer before he even spoke.
“I... you’re right Changbin she isn’t like the type of girls I’ve dated in the past but...” Changbin wasn’t dumb and wasn’t one to pussy foot around so he just came out with it.
“Look Jisungie just say you’re into her, it’s alright. I already caught you almost kissing; what's the big deal? She’s into you too. What are you holding back for?” He didn’t know what to say.
“Sung, is it that maybe you’re a little worried about what people might be thinking if you date a thicker girl?” Jisung looked at Changbin and his eyes said it all. Changbin had hit the nail on the head. Jisung did think you were gorgeous and what other people thought shouldn’t even matter for that reason alone. He didn’t care what some stranger on the street thought of him and you being together but the guys, like Changbin, for some reason, he thought maybe some of the guys would give him a hard time. Of course, none of the guys had given him any reason to think they would tease him about such a thing because none of them would. Jisung had been in his own head too much. Realizing his feelings for you were deeper than friendship had really sent him through a loop. He was worried about the wrong things; he didn’t know how to act around anyone when it came to you and because of that he was epically fucking up.
“Jisungie...” He focused on Changbin again.
“Sort your shit out. If you care about her man it doesn’t matter. She deserves better than that Sung, and you know it.” Changbin slapped him on the shoulder, grabbed his gym bag and left to go work out. About twenty minutes after Changbin had left Jisung got a text notification. He sat up quickly in bed and grabbed his phone.
You laid back in your bed trying to process the whirl of emotions you’d been put through that night. Hope, excitement, disappointment, pain, confusion. It was all too much to process in one night and there was no way you were going to be able to talk about it with Jisung right then, so you cut him off when he tried. Wasn’t he going to kiss you? Had you read that wrong? If he was going to; why would he if he didn’t like you like that? Pity? You hated all the thoughts racing through your head. You just wanted to forget and fall asleep, after a while your mind slowed down and you were finally able to get some rest.
Jisung had gone all week not hearing from you. He sent a good morning text every day and then a meme or two with an accompanying caption that would say something like ‘laughed and thought of you’ or ‘remember that one time...’ All of his texts went unanswered and he understood why. He’d hurt you in the worst possible way. It didn’t mean he wasn’t going to try to make it right still. Friday morning, he finally got up the nerve to actually call you. He honestly thought you would ignore the call just like you had his texts but after three rings you answered.
“Hey Jisung; what’s up?” You sounded drained. All the more reason for you to come over, relax and watch movies with him just like you usually would.
“Hey! Uh... I hadn’t heard from you at all this week so I just wanted to make sure we were still on for movie night.” You closed your eyes and chewed at your lip as the memories of the last week’s movie night came flooding back. You had been totally swamped at work, you really hadn’t had time to process a thing, which is why you had been ignoring Jisung’s texts. You had just pushed it down and carried on during the work week because you had to. Now here you were and the feelings were racing head on at you again and you didn’t know if you were ready still.
“Ji... I... I don’t-” Before you could give any excuse as to why it wasn’t a good idea Jisung interjected.
“I got comedies like you asked for and all the snacks already. You just have to come over. Will you... come over y/n?” You took a deep breath. Maybe if you just went and kept up with your old routine things would just go back to normal. You didn’t have to talk, just watch movies.
“Yea, I’ll be over Ji. Is seven okay?” His smile was beaming on the other end of the line, hopeful about the fact that you agreed to come, that maybe, he might be able to fix his fuck up still, even if that meant in the end only being your friend. He would be fine with that. It would be more than he felt he deserved from you.
“Seven is perfect y/n. I’ll see you then. Bye.” You gave a small hum.
“Bye Ji, see you.” For you the day seemed to fly by and before you knew it, it was time for you to head to the dorm and you didn’t know if you were really ready to face Jisung again yet. For Jisung the day had seemed to drag on forever. He had finally been honest with himself and the guys and told them all how he felt about you. He asked if he could have the dorm for the night while he tried to smooth things over with you. The guys, of course, were all supportive and agreed to be gone for the night. Jisung frantically cleaned the dorm and staged the living room carefully for your movie night. Snacks spread out, blankets to snuggle up in, all typical staples of your movie nights. Not typical was the dim lighting from candles he’d put out around the room and the lavender oil defusing that Felix had set up for him before he left.
Just a bit after seven Jisung heard your knock at the door. He opened it and greeted you with his wide toothy smile, the one that reached his eyes and made them scrunch up. If you were exhausted from the work week he couldn’t tell, you looked amazing. He couldn’t help but notice your attire this week was back to the usual pair of sweat pants, t-shirt and a big hoodie over that. Jisung’s smile faltered a bit but he caught himself and moved out of the way to invite you in.
“Hey! Come on in!” You gave Jisung a small smile and walked in towards the living room. Jisung closed the door and followed closely behind.
“Do you want me to take your bag or hoodie?” You shook your head.
“Didn’t bring an overnight bag, I can’t stay this week, and I think I’ll keep my hoodie on for now, I’m kind of chilly. Thanks though.” You looked around the living room as you walked in and noticed the few candles Jisung had lit and could smell the fresh scent of lavender. He walked past you and sat down on the couch grabbing the remote and patting the cushions for you to join him. You swallowed the anxiety and tension you were feeling down and walked over to the couch. Jisung had lifted the blanket he’d thrown over himself so you could sit by him and share, like you usually did, but you opted to sit on the far end of the couch with your feet tucked up underneath you and your knees pulled into your hoodie. You missed the disappointed expression on Jisung’s face because you were trying to look anywhere but at him. Just from the time he had opened the door, your heart had wretched every time you did look at him. He set the blanket back down, making like he’d just been adjusting it a bit and started the first movie of the night, unsure if he was going to be able to focus on the screen at all with the elephant in the room with the two of you.
You both had managed to get through the first movie. You had chuckled a time or two and even though it wasn’t your usual boisterous laugh Jisung was glad to see, somewhat, of a smile on your face. You were still curled up into yourself on the far end of the couch though and you hadn’t eaten anything. Jisung went to put in the next movie.
“Don’t let me eat all the snacks y/n. Make sure you get some before I inhale it all and really look like a quokka.” Jisung smiled and puffed his already chubby cheeks out further trying to make you laugh but you just smiled at him weakly.
“I’m okay Jisung I already had dinner and it probably wouldn’t hurt for me to lay off the snacks a bit.” Like an arrow straight through his heart. His idiocy made you feel this way. That there was something wrong with you that needed changed. He had let his own insecurities about your relationship bleed onto you instead of dealing with his own shit. He fucked up he knew it. He should have been trying to talk things out with you instead of ignoring it. He was just joking around acting like nothing had happened, like he didn’t hurt you. He was trying to make you laugh, but it wasn’t time for his antics, this conversation couldn’t be put off any longer when you were saying things like that about yourself. He couldn’t let it continue.
“Don’t say that! There’s nothing wrong with the way you look!” You looked up at him a bit surprised by his sudden outburst but your eyes faltered and were cast down again just as quickly.
“You can say that all you want but it doesn’t change the fact that I need to lose weight. No one wants to date the funny fat girl...” Your voice started to quiver a bit and trailed off, the last thing you said was almost inaudible.
“... least of all you.” It was so quiet Jisung almost didn’t hear it.
“What?!” You looked up at him like you’d been caught with your hand in the cookie jar. You hadn’t even meant for it to come out at all let alone for him to hear it. Oh well, what did it matter now. Your feelings had already ruined everything anyway. Might as well lay it all out on the table.
“Well, it’s true...” You whispered. Jisung sat closer to you on the couch and you shrunk down into your hoodie as you tried to make yourself smaller.
“y/n. No, it’s not.” Who was he to say that to you when he knew you had heard him. Your voice came out with a bit more venom than before.
“Jisung, I HEARD you and Changbin. The way you both talked about me...” Jisung went to interrupt you but you put your hand up, stopping him.
“Let me finish!” He nodded and shut his mouth.
“When I heard the way you two talked about me, the way he described me, how you said you felt about me, I was disgusted with myself.” You choked back tears and Jisung hated himself at that very moment. If he were any other guy and you had told him about this situation happening, he’d find him and kick his own ass.
“That night I had finally worked up the courage to wear those pajamas. I’d had looked at them for 3 months before getting the nerve up to wear them in front of you. I hoped that maybe you might see me in them and think, ‘wow y/n is actually kind of pretty’ maybe even sexy. Then we were on the couch and I don’t know I guess I was delusional and thought you were going to kiss me, I read it wrong, obviously. I’ve seen the girls you take home from the club Ji, I’m two of them easily so I wasn’t shocked you weren’t into me but then I heard you in the kitchen. When I looked down at what I was wearing... if I hadn’t been crying Ji, I would have laughed for actually letting myself think for even one second that someone like YOU would ever want to be with someone like me. That YOU would ever think I was pretty or sexy for that matter.” You pulled your knees from your hoodie and stood up as the tears started to fall from your eyes.
“I... I can’t Ji... I... I have to go. This was a mistake.” You went to go for the door but Jisung grabbed your wrist and stopped you.
“Wait PLEASE!” You paused in place but didn’t turn to face him. You couldn’t.
“I’m so sorry. Please, I’m sorry I said any of that stupid stuff, especially since I didn’t mean a single word of it! I... I WAS going to kiss you and then Changbin walked in and I got nervous it had nothing to do with you or how you look I swear. Then when Changbin asked about you in the kitchen I thought he was giving me a hard time about how you weren’t my ‘type’ and then I was embarrassed but it turned out he was asking about me and you because HE wanted to ask you out and he wanted to make sure you and I didn’t' have a ‘thing’ going on. He told me when I came back in that night and I told him... I told him that I did have feelings for you, that I cared about you... more than just a friend.” Now you turned and faced Jisung, your eyes were narrowed but still filled with tears and your voice was weak when you spoke.
“You AND Changbin have feelings for me? Well, you both have a very shitty way of showing you care about me. Be sure to let Changbin know too.” You pulled your wrist from Jisung’s grip and turned to go walk towards the door again. Jisung ran to stand in front of you, blocking the way, panicked that if you walked out, he may never see you again.
“Wait! Wait, wait! Don’t go! I... I think I'm in love with you y/n...” You stopped, turned and suddenly slapped Jisung in the face. You didn’t want to hurt him but you just snapped.
“How dare you! How dare you talk about me behind my back the way you did, make me feel like I was desperate and crazy, like I was undesirable, now you tell me you only said those things because you were embarrassed by me! Embarrassed for one of your friends to think you were interested in a fat girl! Then you have the AUDACITY to say you’re in love with me! Fuck you Jisung!” You started beating against his chest with your fists as you sobbed and cussed at him.
“Fuck you! FUCK YOU!” He grabbed your arms trying to calm you down. When you realized he was stronger and easily holding you back from hitting him further you did the only thing you could do and fell into his chest, hysterically crying. Jisung wrapped his arms around you and you both sank to the floor. He held you and rocked you, softly humming until you were letting out little gasps and hiccups trying to get control of yourself.
“No one has ever hurt me like you did Jisung.” He flinched at your words. Knowing that hit him harder than the slap in the face.
“I won’t ever be able to say how sorry I am and sorry’s will never be enough but if you’ll give me a chance, I promise I’ll never hurt you like that again. If you give me a chance y/n I’ll love you like no one ever has before.” Jisung’s hands cupped your face and he looked into your eyes with so much conviction it was impossible not to believe him.
“Jisung... I...” More tears gathered and fell and Jisung swept them away with his thumbs.
“Please.” He pleaded with you and you gave him a small nod, then he leaned in and softly kissed your lips. It was so warm, inviting, pulling you in for more but instead you pushed against Jisung’s chest and he pulled back and looked at you. Your eyes flicked between his as you searched for any uncertainty but you only saw love. You gripped his shirt where your hand had been resting on his chest and crashed your lips back into his. The kiss was so heated this time, so needy, you had wanted Jisung for so long and now, now you had him. You straddled his lap but didn’t sit your weight on him as your hands cupped his soft cheeks and you continued to make out. Jisung’s arms wrapped around your midsection pulling you close, your chests pressed together. He wanted you as close to him as possible. He pulled away from the kiss and pressed his forehead against yours, his eyes closed tightly, out of breath from kissing you.
“Jagi, I want feel every bit of you, want to make you to feel as beautiful as you are...” Jisung toyed with the hem of your hoodie and t-shirt silently asking permission to remove them. You lifted your arms and allowed him to, although you were extremely nervous to be in only your bra in front of him, even in the dim lighting. Jisung lifted the shirt and hoodie over your head and tossed it aside taking in the expanse of skin in front of him. He wanted to touch you everywhere but instead his hands gripped your hips and eased you down so that your full weight was on his lap and your clothed heat was pressing into his hard on. When you opened your mouth to protest putting your weight on him Jisung silenced you with his lips. He gripped your soft hips tighter, fingers digging in to your plush skin as he helped move you back and forth over his erection, finding a rhythm. You pulled away from the kiss panting as Jisung started to meet your grinding with his own.
“J-Ji... Ji... I don’t want to hurt you...” He stopped, removing his hands from your hips and holding your face so that you couldn’t help but look him in the eyes.
“Does it look like you’re hurting me?” You bit your lip and softly shook your head no in his hands. Jisung grabbed one of your wrists guiding your hand to grab his hard on underneath you. His eyes closed and his mouth fell open, letting out a breath when you gently squeezed.
“Does it feel like you’re hurting me?” You were breathless still as you shook your head again.
“No Jisungie... it feels... good.” You finally breathed out the word.
“It does feel good jagi. YOU feel good. God keep riding me please!” His hands grazed a soft trail down your full breasts back to your hips urging you to continue your movements. You wrapped your arms around Jisung’s neck and rocked your hips over him again, this time with more vigor and the broken moan that fell from his mouth made you soak your panties. You gripped his broad shoulders and rotated your hips grinding against him with more confidence the more he moaned and panted.
“Fuck! I’m gonna cum in my pants if you don’t stop jagiya...” You stopped your movements but cupped Jisung’s soft cheeks and continued your assault on his lips. You sat there lazily making out, tongues sliding in and out of each other's mouths, teeth tugging at lips, hands exploring, caressing, until Jisung was forced to pull away to take a breath. His hands ran up your arms and he dragged his fingertips gently back down causing goose bumps to rise in their wake. You looked into his eyes and him into yours, both of you breathless, trying to read the other’s mind.
“Jisung?” He pressed his lips together giving you a nod and a small smile as his hands found their way to your hips again.
“Will you... can we...” You knew you wanted Jisung and even though you were on his lap, in your bra and had been kissing and touching each other for quite a bit at that point, you were still self-conscious and scared to ask him what you wanted. You let out a frustrated huff of air, closing your eyes and Jisung cupped your jaw and ran his thumb along your cheek and you looked at him again.
“Take a deep breath. Whatever you want, whatever you want to ask, it’s okay.” You closed your eyes and took a deep calming breath like Jisung had told you to.
“Please take me to bed? I want you Jisung, I need you.” You looked down at where you gripped his shirt tightly as you told him exactly what you had been so scared of saying. Jisung dipped his head down catching your eyes in his again.
“Jagi...” Jisung’s gaze darkened suddenly and before you could think he had his arms wrapped around you and shifted you both so that he was now slotted between your legs laying over you kissing down your neck reaching for the waist band of your pants.
“Wish you’d worn those shorts again...” He peppered more kisses across your throat and took the fleshy part of your ear lightly between his teeth.
“You were so fucking SEXY in them I couldn’t take my eyes off of you.” You pushed against Jisung’s chest stopping him then slowly slid out from under him and stood up. He was confused at first, worried maybe he shouldn’t have mentioned the week before but before he could stress out you pushed your sweats down and stood there in your bra and panties. Jisung stood up quickly and took in every inch of skin you were offering up to him. All of it soft, plush, curvy and so inviting. You beckoned him over to you.
“Come here, touch me Ji.” He didn’t need to be told twice. He invaded your proximity immediately, his hands running along your smooth skin pulling you closer.
“Fuck you’re gorgeous, don’t know what to touch and kiss first.” Your skin flushed at Jisung’s words and you felt your core throb for him. Jisung’s lips ghosted over your neck before raking his teeth across your collar bone and pulling the prettiest moan he’d ever heard from you. He grabbed your hips and pulled them forward into his. With only his clothes creating a barrier between you, aside from the thin, lacey, boy shorts you were wearing, you could perfectly feel his hard cock pressed against you. Jisung’s eyes closed and his head tilted back a little, he bit his lip and hummed enjoying the warmth of your soft body against his and then he looked at you with a mischievous smile.
“Come to bed jagi...” He kissed your neck again before pulling you, leading you towards his room, towards his bed. You could feel your nerves starting to come back once you walked into his bedroom. It was still dimly lit but it was brighter than the living room and you felt a bit more exposed and self-conscious. You pulled your hand away from Jisung and went to cover yourself. Jisung grabbed your hand back and pulled you close wrapping his arms around you and pressing his forehead against yours.
“No. Please? Don’t? You’re perfect,” He peppered soft kisses over your shoulder trying to comfort you and you let out a soft sigh. Jisung pulled away and pulled his shirt off exposing his broad chest and soft tan skin. You would think him evening the playing field by removing some of his clothes would make you feel less nervous but it only made it worse and you went to cover up again. Your hands were slightly shaking when Jisung pulled you close again, his warm skin pressed against yours and you could feel his breath on your neck as he whispered in your ear.
“You’re so fucking sexy. Please don’t hide.” He pressed soft kisses down the side of your neck again. You could feel tears pricking your eyes and you were so mad at yourself that you were about to ruin this moment. You wanted to believe what he said but you just didn’t feel sexy. Jisung could feel that you were still tense, he pulled back and saw your tears.
“y/n... what’s wrong? Why are you crying? Did I say something wrong?” You shook your head no. You scoffed at yourself and wiped your tears away.
“No Ji, it’s okay really, I just need a second. I’m feeling...” You looked down at yourself and Jisung knew.
“Hey, take a second, take ten, it’s alright jagyia.” He rubbed soft circles on your hips with his thumbs and it started to help your heart rate slow down a bit. When you looked at Jisung again his face was so soft and laced with concern. You leaned in and pressed your lips against his, your fingers threading through the hair at the nape of his neck. It was soft at first but as you felt his skin under your fingertips it became more frenzied. Both of you gripping, squeezing, roaming, moaning into the other’s kiss. You felt a sudden rush of bravery and reached into Jisung’s sweat pants grabbing his dick firmly and stroking it like you had done it to him a hundred times before. It was gentle but not too gentle and the way your thumb brushed that sweet spot under the head of his cock was sinful as you stroked him just fast enough to make him want more.
“FUCK y/n! Yes, JUST like that.” Jisung lead you towards the bed as you continued to stroke him. When the back of your knees hit the bed you removed your hand from his pants and fell back on it. Your hair spread around your head like an angel and your chest was rising up and down rapidly as you laid there breathless from your desire. Jisung slid his sweats and briefs down at once, his cock springing free and standing firm. It was long and not too thick and curved up. He was gorgeous so it wasn’t surprising that he had a pretty cock too. Feeling it in your hand had been one thing but seeing it now, your mouth watered for him.
“Jisungie...” You whined for him and he came to kneel between your legs on the bed. His hands traveled up your sides their destination being your breasts which he cupped firmly before grabbing the center of your bra with both hands and ripping it open, your big breasts bouncing free as you gasped in shock.
“HAN JISUNG, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH A BRA LIKE THAT COSTS!?” Jisung leaned down sucking a nipple into his mouth, teasing it with his tongue and teeth until it was perked and hard effectively stopping your complaint. He let go and smirked at you.
“Sorry, I couldn’t help it. I’ll buy you a new one jagi.” His lips wrapped around your other nipple and he sucked on it gently as you melted underneath him. Jisung kissed his way down your body until his face hovered right over your clothed core. He gripped your panties and looked up at you.
“These expensive too?” He said quirking his eyebrow at you. You rolled your eyes at him playfully.
“YES. And my favorite pair so DON’T rip them.” Jisung pouted and then gently slid your panties over your ass and down your legs. When his face was lined up with your naked, dripping, cunt you started to feel your heartbeat pick up. Before you had a chance to let your nerves get the best of you again, Jisung spread your lower lips open and licked a broad stripe from your entrance to your clit, sucking the bundle of nerves between his pouty lips and drinking in every bit of you. Your hands gripped Jisung’s hair as he licked, kissed, and sucked on your clit. He was messy but with finesse and between your arousal and his spit and drool you were certain there had to be a puddle forming underneath you.
“Ji... oh my god! I’m... I’m...” He hummed in satisfaction that he had you unable to form words and the vibrations from his mouth against your pussy sent you reeling into a mind-blowing orgasm. Your thick thighs clamped around Jisung’s head as you thrust your hips up grinding against his tongue and face. Only when your body relaxed back onto the bed and you were a shuddering mess did Jisung stop kitten licking your sensitive clit. He climbed on top of you and started kissing you, first all over your face, then by your ear, down your neck and shoulder. His lips left your skin and he looked at you for a second thinking about how he’d almost fucked everything with you up, about how he could have lost you but now here you were underneath him panting and glowing still trying to recover from your orgasm. When you opened your eyes and looked at Jisung he leaned down and softly kissed your lips as he slowly pushed the tip of his cock inside you.
“Fuck! So wet, so soft!” The further Jisung sunk into the faster your soft puffs of breath came out and when he bottomed out inside you, you gasped. He looked at you quickly.
“Are you okay jagi?” You nodded biting your bottom lip overwhelmed by the feeling of him inside you after just coming down from your first orgasm. Jisung rolled his hips testing to see your reaction. Your eyes went wide and you gasped again.
“Jisungie! Oh, my fucking god! You feel so good inside me! Please don’t stop!” Jisung started giving you steady hip rolls fucking you slow and deep. He thrust his cock deeper into you, his pelvic bone adding pressure to your clit as well. Your body was buzzing with excitement and your fingers and toes felt like they were going numb from the pleasure. The sound of your drenched cunt and Jisung’s hips slapping against your soft thighs egged him on and he started to fuck you faster, pulling out further and pushing back into you harder each time.
“FUCK jagiya you take my cock so well beautiful. Look at how well we fit together jagi FUCK!” You looked down where Jisung’s dick, coated in your juices, disappeared inside you and clenched at the sight.
“Fucking perfect just like I said baby, your pussy was made for me, this is mine now.” Jisung spit on two of his fingers and started rubbing your clit quickly pushing you towards your next orgasm that much faster.
“God YES Ji please... please... please...” Jisung smiled down at you, sweat dripping down his face.
“Please what gorgeous, what do you want?” You gripped Jisung’s hips, his soft skin warm under your touch.
“PLEASE FUCK ME HARDER! MAKE ME CUM JI! FILL ME UP JAGIYA!” Jisung lost his mind hearing you say that, call him that. He gripped your hips and started railing you as hard and fast as his body would let him. The sweat from his face and hair dripping down his chest and back now his teeth clamped onto his bottom lip.
“You’re gonna let me cum in this tight pussy right jagi? You’re gonna take my load and let me mark what’s mine yea?” You moaned out your approval.
“FUCK yes! Ji fuck fuck! Give me your cum fucking make me yours Jisung... I’m yours!” You came hard around his cock as he continued to drive into you chasing his own climax and prolonging yours. Your body rolled and your hips chased his as you rode out the best orgasm you’d had in your life.
“FUCKING beautiful! God you’re gorgeous when you cum y/n... FUCK I can feel your pussy quivering on my fucking cock, you feel so good jagi!” You started coming down from the high of your orgasm, body still buzzing like a million bees lived under your skin and you started begging Jisung.
“Fuck Ji you’re gonna give it to me right? Fuck I want it so bad! Please cum inside me please! It's gonna be a big load yea? Fuck I hope it’s a big load jagiya, need you to fill me up good, need to feel you dripping from my cunt.” Jisung’s head tilted back as his hips stuttered and he unloaded inside you.
“FUUUUUuuuuuck jagiya FUCK! Fucking take it! You wanted a big load baby there you go! FUCK! Take my cum like a good girl yea?” Jisung stayed buried inside you until his cock started getting soft. When he pulled out a huge trail of cum came dripping out after. Jisung took two fingers and scooped up the mixture of yours and his cum and sucked them clean.
“Fuck beautiful...” He ran his fingers through the trail of cum still leaking from your hole collecting more of your mingled juices and he brought his fingers to your lips this time.
“Taste.” You opened your mouth and sucked on his fingers, swirling your tongue around his digits and humming in delight.
“Good yea jagi? We taste perfect together.” Jisung scooped the remaining cum dripping from you up and pushed it back inside you pumping his fingers slowly in and out.
“J-Jisung... I... I ca-”
“One more jagiya, just one more, you can give me one more yea?” Jisung’s fingers picked up speed and he fucked them into you harder, curling them and easily finding your g-spot.
“FUCK JI! I... I... FUCK JI!” That was exactly what he was looking for, he plunged his fingers deep into you only bringing them out a millimeter or so and pushing them deeper, then leaned down and sucked your cum glazed clit into his mouth, slurping on you as he fucked your hole hard with his fingers, the cum he filled you with coating them and dripping down your asshole, causing you to clench around his fingers that seemed to find that delicious spot inside you with precision.
“Squirt for me jagiya, fucking cum on me baby.” He whispered against your pussy before diving back in and devouring your cunt like a ravenous animal. Between Jisung’s fingers and mouth the taut string inside you snapped.
“MMmm FUCK FUCK JI OH FUCK I’M COMING I'M COMING!” You had never squirted before in your life but suddenly you were soaking Jisung and his sheets. His fingers, still deep inside you, gently massaging your g-spot, giving your clit tiny little licks with the tip of his tongue as you finished coming on his face and started twitching and shuddering from the overstimulation. When Jisung removed his fingers and sat up you saw your cum dripping from his chin and glistening on his chest.
“Oh my god, did I?!” Jisung smirked and leaned over kissing your lips softly before giggling against them.
“Cum all over me? Yea baby you did and it was sexy as fuck!” You blushed and tried to push him off as he buried his face in the crook of your neck and tickled you with his kisses and love bites. You pushed harder and he finally sat up, he got very quiet and looked down at you softly smiling. The longer Jisung’s eyes roamed your naked body the more uncomfortable you got. Now that you weren’t caught up in the heat of the moment and lost in the pleasure Jisung had been giving you, the little negative voices in your head came back to put you back in your place. You grabbed a throw blanket he had at the foot of his bed and went to cover up feeling far to exposed in the moment. Jisung thought you looked so beautiful; you didn’t need to cover up. He wished he had never said the things he did, that he’d never made an insecurity you already had worse. He had looked at you laying there your full breasts, the soft tummy rolls, the plush love handles just over your hips, your thick ass and thighs, FUCK you were perfect but when you saw him staring at you like that you only felt overwhelmed by your doubts about your body.
“Why don’t we go take a shower yea? Get cleaned up and go to bed?” Jisung’s suggestion sounded so tempting, a nice hot shower after getting fucked senseless but it also meant standing under florescent bathroom lights where he’d be able to see ever stretch mark, every dimple of cellulite, every flaw. He could see you having an internal battle with yourself over it.
“Hey...” You looked up at him like you’d been startled from your thoughts.
“I know whatever is going on in that gorgeous noggin of yours is my fault right now...” You pressed your lips together.
“Jisung no...” He shook his head and put up his hand stopping you.
“y/n yes, it is. It might have been something you were self-conscious about already but I only threw fuel on the fire. I PROMISE I will do whatever I can to prove to you that you are a beautiful human being, just the way you are. I PROMISE I’ll always make sure to tell you how absolutely stunning you are and how you are leaps and bounds out of my league and yet for some reason you slum it for me.” He winked at you and you laughed.
“So... shower?” He suggested again. You smiled and nodded. Jisung stood up and offered his hand to help you off the bed. You headed to the bathroom with Jisung fused to your back kissing whatever his lips could find.
“You know if we fuck in the shower I could cum all over these and clean you right up.” His hand squeezed your breasts tightly before roaming over your tummy, your hips and ass. You were barely up the hall and Jisung was already trying to slide his fingers through your folds again. When you got to the bathroom door you turned and pecked his lips.
“That’s true jagiya, or you could cum down my throat and I could just swallow it and have no mess at all.” You licked up his lips to the tip of his nose and went into the bathroom as he stood there speechless for a moment before chasing after you.
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#stray kids fan fic#skz fan fic#han jisung fan fic#han fan fic#jisung fan fic#stray kids angst#skz angst#han jisung angst#han angst#jisung angst#stray kids fluff#skz fluff#han jisung fluff#han fluff#jisung fluff#stray kids smut#skz smut#han jisung smut#han smut#jisung smut#stray kids fanfic#skz fanfic#han jisung fanfic#skz317cb97#cal 🖤#skz317cb97 thick reader series
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Astrology Observation pt. 2
(Thank y’all for all the support on my first one❤️🙌🏾)
*as a sag Venus sag mars pls stop asking me why I’m laughing…I’m not laughing at YOU I’m just insane😝
*moon in the 1st synastry is so therapeutic you just feel really comfortable opening up to the 1st house person and as the 1st house person I feel honored someone trusts me enough to share their feelings🫶🏾
*people w aqua and libra in their big three are the chillest mfs you’ll ever meet. Even though I’m very chaotic anytime someone describes me “chill” just seems to be thrown in there. We space out ALOT and it’s honestly embarrassing😭 Ex: Alicia keys, lil Wayne, Harry styles, Rosalia. Harry gives such himbo energy in interviews and they drag him for it in the comments but he’s probably just thinking about multiple things at once. Alicia keys didn’t even realize lil mama was on that stage and went on performing lol. Obviously lil Wayne smokes but something about his energy…he’s on cloud 9. And just go watch Rosalia’s chicken shop episode💕😂.
*honestly Aries mars aren’t that bad when it comes to temper because usually they find ways to manage it. Now mars-Uranus aspects is a completely different story. I have late mars-Uranus and it takes me a while to get mad but when I do I can’t even think anymore. My old roomie had a tight square and she would blow up on people for no actual reason like girl sit down😭
*something about Scorpio mars men is just😮💨 they have such a sneaky energy to them that makes them stand out. Virgo mars are fine too they’re just so skinny and no matter wtf they do they’re always nerdy ugh (ex: Matthew gray gubler, Lucky daye, Dylan O’Brien, Jeff Buckley)
*i noticed Aries moon don’t really get along w each other. They find their own energy to be too mf much (which it can be) so they prefer being around more calmer people *coughs* libra moons like me. They wanna be bouncing off the walls 🤪 while their friend is just like 🙂.
* fire risings do a lot of things fast. As an Aries rising, I walk fast, get happy fast, eat fast, workout fast. My cousin is complaining her sag rising toddler eats and drinks way too fast.
*venus in 11th…how many tiktok drafts do y’all got😭
*i talked to this guy who had similar placements as me (Venus in 8th and moon in 6th plus Aquarius and Aries placements) It was so chaotic it was literally us going back and forth obsessing over eachother while trying to keep it lowkey. But also the amount of anxiety we are naturally incline to have made the whole situation too mf much.
*i have mercury conjunct my friends mars and for years she tells me the things I say can take people there and make them wanna fight me. It’s in Capricorn and so I was confused before I knew we had that aspect
* i noticed rappers whose lines always stick out to me have Gemini mars or mercury- mars (central cee, king von, tupac, kendrick , j. cole)
*i was talking to this guy and I had Venus and mars plus pluto in his 4th house. Months after we stopped talking our friend groups meshed and he would tell me non-stop I reminded him of his mother. He said she was the same height as me and y’all I was scared to ask what she looked like cause 😫 y’all remember that episode of family guy when Chris dated that girl that looked like Lois yep 4th house synastry.
*im a true crime whore and two women who killed their bfs had sun-Uranus aspects. Their energy was erratic and very off putting in videos. I can’t remember the other one but Courtney tailor/clenney was one.
* More spilling my business on the Internet😍 i think I’m done entertaining people my age. Pluto in the 8th, Lilith in 1st, and Venus conjunct Pluto synastry has been hell. Where’s my sugar daddy/mama?? It’s ghetto out here
*gemini Lilith generation whose a year younger than me is nasty asf😭 esp the tauruses they have their Lilith conjunct their Gemini Venus and opposite their Pluto. One said he had a slept w two girls at separate times. He didn’t know they met until the girls posted a selfie together and tagged him. They later told him they wanted a threesome and he did it😭 knowing astrology I believed every word
* sidebar Neptune-asc people and trying to give off innocent vibes ugh annoying asf to me. I can see right through their bs but they’re able to fool most people.
* mercury-Pluto aspects are in fact LIARS and throw a Scorpio placement in there😮💨
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"Remember when Rose Tyler said "you'd have to get a mortgage" in Impossible Planet/Satan's Pit and he straight up threatened suicide? Donna domesticated him"
This type of comment annoys me. They at least realize that Rose literally lives with the Doctor ? In a real, everyday domestic life that will actually last forever or are they growing old together ? A life where the Doctor is domestic for his entire life, and not just for an undetermined period of time ? Also, actually, the scene with Rose and the whole episode that this person is actually referring to is that the Doctor wanted to settle down with Rose and live with her normally ! That he was actually ready for this and wanted this if that's what awaited them. That's literally why he became Tentoo later ! I'm tired of people trying to make Donna more special than Rose and intentionally misinterpreting the Tenrose scenes...
And then, in terms of domesticity… They are aware that Tenrose was an ultra domestic relationship throughout season 2 and that it even started a little in season 1 with Ninerose. The Doctor and Rose's entire relationship is based on the fact that their relationship is fucking domestic and the Doctor wants to move in with her to live a life with her. Specifically in this episode this person is referring to !
I know I'm getting angry for nothing, but I'm really tired of seeing this kind of thing. Already being a fan of Tentoo and Rose Tyler in general is difficult but since the 60th anniversary, Donna fans are even worse.
Donna is important to the Doctor, just not in the way Donna shippers are saying. Donna has and always will be a sibling-coded character to the Doctor and this is very explicitly stated within canon, despite how shippers want to interpret their interactions.
I mean, come on...
Donna's not attracted to him. She just isn't; she calls him too skinny, thinks he looks funny, and points out on several occasions how other people are more attractive than he is. If you want see how Donna flirts, just watch all of her interactions with Jack, who she is attracted to.
She is aware of the Doctor's love for Rose. Donna is a very intuitive and caring person and she picks up on the Doctor's sadness, his longing and his loss right from the start of The Runaway Bride. Donna ships the Doctor and Rose the most of any other character in show. (Even Jack, because Jack fancies the Doctor!)
MOST IMPORTANTLY:
She states directly that she does not want a romantic relationship with the Doctor.
This last point here is what makes me upset. I can understand why people ship Ten and Martha -- she is actually in love with him, and he does give her some false hope right at the start of their relationship. Nothing ever happens between them, but I can see why people would want it to if they fell in love with Martha and think she deserves better.
Forcing Donna to be romantically in love with the Doctor, on the other hand, is wrong; it is deliberately misrepresenting her character's actions and taking away her voice.
But I digress. Let's discuss the scene you've brought up, but then take into account the important bit that's been left out of the argument:
The tenth Doctor was completely, canonically, irrefutably in love with Rose. During their conversation about mortgages in The Impossible Planet, yes - the Doctor does (jokingly) say, "I'm done, that's it, I'm done," but then, when the conversation turns more serious and Rose says that she'd want to get stuck together, he turns to her and says, "Yeah?"
You'd stay with me? You'd want to?
Then the little smile and nod at the end:
Good.
It is explicit that the Doctor and Rose were a couple. By this point, the Doctor has accepted his domestic life with Rose and Jackie. He spends his first day with her doing exactly what he said he wouldn't do as Nine: having Christmas dinner with her family.
(Having Christmas dinner with Rose and her family, by the way, is something that the tenth Doctor says he doesn't do when Donna asks him to join her family, later on.)
The Doctor and Rose visit home frequently enough that Jackie pulls him into a cheerful, familiar hug in Army of Ghosts. He knows their flat well enough to go off and read a magazine. He sits comfortably in front of the television set to watch the news. He is domestic as fuck with Rose -- long before Donna even enters the scene.
RTD et al decided to purposefully make their relationship intimate but ambiguous to lead up to the powerfully impactful ending with Tentoo and Rose. Tentoo -- who should maybe be called "Ten, also" for as often as I have to fucking explain they're the same Doctor -- is taking on the promise that Ten made to Rose in The Impossible Planet. He is now stuck with her - like they both wanted.
However, I would argue that Nine, even with Rose, is not domestic. There is enough evidence to show that the ninth Doctor did not want to stay on earth - even with Rose - and he did not have a very strong relationship with Jackie or Mickey. His found family was with Rose and Jack. His romantic relationship with Rose is definitely present, but he doesn't go domestic until he regenerates. Frankly, Nine is just not ready, and that's okay, because it's just the beginning of their story. Rose is the one who helps the Doctor become comfortable with being domestic, and that's why we get Ten and Tentoo.
ALSO.
This is getting very long, but just to cover everything:
Fourteen is not Ten. By the time Fourteen comes around, it could be very well argued that the Doctor has already learned how to be domestic, is very ready to park and rest his sorry ass, and needs a comfortable, friendly family to do it with.
Fourteen's rehab-out-of-order stint with the Noble-Mott-Temples is not about romance. It's about resting, recuperating, being comfortable and accepted as a member of a found family where he doesn't have to think about all the people that he's lost or his involvement with the destruction of large parts of the universe. It Fourteen's retirement was about romance, to be honest, he wouldn't have gone to Donna. To be very blunt: the person he would go to, right now in his timeline, would probably be Yaz.
We must all keep in mind that as shippers and RTD-era fans, we look at Fourteen and think: Rose, Donna and Martha. And because of the many years of shipping conflict, there are also people who will only ever ship the Doctor with River and/or are convinced that the Doctor is still blindly devoted to Clara. But no, folks: right now, the closest romantic arc was as Thirteen with Yaz, and so that's really the relationship that's been the most shafted by anyone who ships the Doctor and Donna - even though they really fucking shouldn't.
#thanks for talking to me!#tentoo x rose#ninth doctor#tentoo#tenth doctor#fourteenth doctor#donna noble#rose tyler#relationships#doctor who
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Is being skinny worth it ?
To that one skinny friend who always complains about not being able to get fatter. She finally succed but freaked out, saying she wanted to go back, when she realised she has the same weight as me,
To that one skinny hot girl I saw get so much attention even tho she's a bitch, to the boy who respectfuly obssesed over her for years, to the boys who would listen to her for hours, to the social opportunity it's giving her,
To my family who never missed an opportunity to comment about my food, to them who would applause me for eating so much when I was yougner but told me straight i had an fat ass when it started to show on my grown body, to them saying i should stop wearing thight clothes bc my fat shows, went mad at me bc I couldn't bring myself to do sport, then congrats me when i lost weigh then told me i should eat more,
To my boyfriend, a living thinspo, who is always simping for the tall skinny girls or for himself, for congratuling me when I lose weight while telling me he'd be sad if i'd lost my tummy, while calling my thights ugly bc the fat is falling, while reminding me my neck is getting thicker, while a tiny waist is the first thing he notices on people (obvio he's lying ab my body). To him telling me I'm too heavy for him to lift, or i'm the fatest of his exes, to him looking so uncomfortable when he tries to compliment me,
To every classmate being irremediably kinder to the pretty girls, to all their love stories being with the stereotypical hotties, to them treating me like 'one of the boys' and talking about fucking them in front of me, (i didn't want to know that), to every human noticing pretty girls (yes they're skinny) and remembering them as pretty/hot women, giving them fucking free respect,
To every women telling me they wish they'd be skinnier, putting effort into it but failling, crying when they gain weight, for praising the skinny girls, to women braging about their fast metabolism, laughing at thick girls, shaming girls for gainging weight, shaming morbid obese poeple like it's not a fcking deasese,
To the hope of a better life when i'm skinny, to easier social life, to people dreaming about me while i don't even know their names, to my boyfriend liking me and to my friend reminding me i'm skinny in everyway they can, to my family congratulating me, to opportunities opening up, to people listenning to me, to younger me who tried so hard to go away from thoses stereotypical ways of thinking but made me pay the price, i want the weight drop to be a symptom of life getting better, i want to be better
It is worth it
#disordered eating thoughts#ed not ed sheeran#egospo#anorex14#@na trigger#tw disordered eating#4n4#i wanna be weightless#ed bllog#tw ana diary#4n0r3xia#4n0rexic#ana shit#ed vent#not pro fucking not pro#i tried being fatty and happy but oh well#give me attention
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Attempt 2 at writing this lol bc the first one got deleted by accident
I wanted to add my experience to that last post I rbed, bc it resonated with me, particularly the first part where men will call eachother 'girl' or 'feminine' as an insult(this is the only part im commenting on as i am not a transwoman so i have no input on that part of the post. )
I have pcos. I always have. I have a very strong masculine face/jawline. I always have. Ive always had a deep voice, as someone who was born a girl and identifies(at least in part) as a girl. I want this to be known bc its context lol
Guys are not the only ones who misgender as an insult, or to dehumanize others. Girls do it too.
When i was in elementary school i didnt have female friends bc all of them would laugh at me and say they didn't want to be friends with an 'ugly boy'
When i would go to the bathroom in-between classes, other girls would push me out, or yank me out physically and say that 'ugly boys' are not allowed in the girls bathroom.
My mom always made me have short hair, and she always made me wear jeans(and boy shirts bc they are more durable than girl clothes. This part was. Okay. I guess. I liked pokemon and ben 10 so my little brain didnt understand.) I was not allowed to have long hair and i was not allowed to wear dresses or skirts(ever since i was little ive wanted to wear only dresses but i was not allowed to...)
I talked like a baby(high pitched voice) for a good part of my childhood bc i knew that my voice was ugly and deep. When i started to go to speech therapy, i started speaking ""normally"" and my voice got so deep... i remember one of the last times i used my baby voice it was with a teacher and another student, and the student said "hey teacher, listen to (deadname?)'s REAL voice, she sounds just like a boy!"
That was a defining moment in my life.
In middle school, when i still wasnt allowed to have long hair and dresses, girls in my health class would look at me and laugh and whisper about how im actually a boy, and that i shouldnt be there. My face started changing too, my jaw got stronger... my voice got deeper.
I think in highschool people were too focused on other things to really bother me too much, plus people *generally* by that time knew me as a sweet and quiet person, not to mention i was the 'art kid' so that gained me some friends lol, also by highschool i was allowed to grow my hair out, down to my butt almost! And i was allowed to wear dresses and skirts and leggings(mostly leggings at that time bc i was still super skinny lol)
After highschool i had a crisis and shaved my head and tried out being a guy(ftm) but it was, personally, an identity crisis. I didnt know who i was, i had been abused, emotionally and sexually, all through high school by a guy i thought was my friend(i wish i had left sooner...) so i was struggling with what was 'me' plus i thought to myself 'everyone calls me a guy anyway so fuck it' but it gave me advanced dysphoria to be a guy :/
My hair is long now. Past my butt, i can sit on it. I only, exclusively, wear skirts and dresses. I wear a skirt to work bc i begged them to let me(i have autism and pants are a sensory nightmare but also i hate the way i look in them also i will look more like a guy)
Do you know how often i get misgendered? Admittedly not often, but it still happens. Usually its kids, but sometimes i get people calling me 'sir'. I want to scoff and be like 'how can they mistake someone with long braided pigtails and a dress for being a man' and then i remember my childhood.
Also im not writing this to detract from trans experiences, im writing my own experience as a woman-thing with pcos(if you dont know, it basically means that the cysts on my reproductive organs cause me to produce extra testosterone and not enough estrogen) who has frequently been misgendered by other girls
I want to clarify that im also only responding to the first part of the post, im not trying to say my experiences are in some way comparative to trans experiences!
Terfs do NOT touch this post ill shoot you on sight!!!!! Pew pew!!!
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The SGE Movie —> Racism, anti-Semitism and More.
^^^
Holy fuck there is so much shit to unpack here it’s not even funny.
Okay, starting with the casting.
Will you guys shut the FUCK up about Agatha being Black. Sofia Wylie’s beginning to see the comments and she even had to make a statement about it. I understand people’s concern over Agatha’s self-image issues being cut out and how, visually speaking, she seamlessly fits in with the Evers. Yes, that part is frustrating — I wish the directors had made more of an effort to make Agatha stand out — perhaps being too masculine, too goth, too scruffy, or etc.
So many of you guys say that the solution to this, to Agatha’s ‘ugly’ arc was too cast a white actress. First of, all those fancasts y’all are choosing are fucking models — so no, the problem is not Sofia Wylie being too pretty, it’s about her being Black.
Second of all, if a non-conventionally attractive woman of colour had been cast as Agatha, I just KNOW there would have been even more racist backlash. Like, idk know what kind of world y’all are living in… but u do realise being white is a big part of the beauty standard? So many women of colour feel ugly just coz they are woc and surrounded by skinny white girls. (btw this is not me saying that white people can’t have self image issues — they def can — but with woc it is more of a racist systemic issue).
Again, just to reiterate, the directors/crew could have made more of an effort to make Agatha stand out, visually and personality wise — like they did when she was in Gavaldon. However, they were too busy making sure that Agatha looked like the pure embodiment of beauty and femininity in every shot, so a lot of that story arc was sacrificed. BUT, as unfortunate as that decision was, it was not because Agatha was Black. Far from it, actually.
Before I move on to the anti-Semitism, I just wanna talk about Anadil’s casting briefly. Would have I preferred for her to be cast by an Albino actress? Absolutely. Albino actors deserve more representation. Look, the casting directors did try, they set out a casting call for teenage actresses with albinism but couldn’t find any. Perhaps an argument could be made that they could have tried harder, which is fair. However, most of the people I see complaining about Anadil’s casting, fancast a white, non-albino actress in place. How is that any better? IMO, that’s far worse — as it would seem like that the casting directors would have gone with what seemed ‘close enough’ and providing zero representation. I’m happy with Anadil’s casting and loved Demi’s performance (wishing she had more lines tbh 😭😭). I hope that in the next movie, now that more people will know about it, they can hire an Albino actress for another role? (Perhaps Princess Uma? That would be cool).
Okay, now moving onto the antisemitism. Why — just why did they do that. In case you didn’t realise, as Sophie was turning into a witch and becoming more ‘evil’, she basically she became an anti-Semitic caricature. This is 2022 — I thought we had left the whole ‘evil is when long crooked nose’. Look, I’m not Jewish, but as some one from a middle-eastern background, I remember watching this moment with my family (who have long crooked noses btw) and we all cringed. This is 2022, why the fuck did they decide keep that anti-Semitic stereotype, I don’t know, but we have to hold the crew accountable.
I don’t know if this was Soman’s decision as I don’t remember it being in the books — however either way they could have easily just made sophie turn old and stuff. (Actually, now that I think about, that could be bordering ageism. Why does evilness have to be depicted through physical appearance anyway? Is there no other way to portray evil? Man, we are really screwed up as a society.)
Anyways — Can we please not be racists/anti-semites/bigots? Please?
#the school for good and evil#sge movie#school for good and evil#sge#agatha of woods beyond#sophie of the woods beyond#representation#the school for good and evil movie#my stuff#racism#sofia wylie#if you were one of those people I discussed#please don’t attack me#just take the time to reflect on why you feel the way you do#anyways#tagatha#just in case#sge movie spoilers
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I'd like to make a request,,,
I haven't been feeling too great about my appearance and just my body in general. So I wanted to asked if you could do something with Lester Sinclair? Where his S/O has been feeling very insecure and has been making little remarks here and there about being ugly or their body being unattractive and off-putting. Lester notices and dislikes it, so he takes some time to sit down with his S/O and tell them how beautiful they are between kisses and caresses etc. Maybe just some overall fluff? That would be really great. Thank you.
- 🤎
Of course!! I'm so sorry this took so long but I hope it's worth the wait!
Lester Sinclair w/ a GN! S/O who is having body image issues (SFW)
Lester's used to feelings like that himself. He knows how people look at him, like he's weird or ugly, but he's never ever seen you that way
Definitely fine with being the "ugly" one in your relationship, he thinks you're more beautiful than anything and he knows he's so lucky
When you start dropping comments here or there about you being unattractive, he's quick to shoot back a comment stating otherwise
You make a comment on hating your stretch marks? Lester will shoot back how he loves every part of you
You lament not being as skinny as the girls in magazines Bo leaves laying around? Lester huffs that they look plastic and fake where you're warm and lovely
He hears a comment from you about how you wish you were taller? Lester will make a dramatic showing about lifting you up, telling you how you're the perfect size for forehead kisses and carrying
He doesn't want you to fester any kind of self-hate like that.
If the comments persist for a long time though, he'd sit you down to let you talk about it properly, if he could you needed to hear how perfect you are
Lester thinks you're beautiful, he'd absolutely tell you as much!
Lester peppered your face with kisses as the two of you lay in bed together. He was laying on his side beside you, running his hand up and down your side slowly. "Hey sweet pea," he hummed. The two of you decided to take a lazy day and planned to just spend the day in bed. You snuggled into his chest and he kissed the top of your head. "How's the prettiest person in the world doin' today?" Lester cooed at you.
He'd been doing that more lately: showering you in compliments. While you still didn't feel deserving of it, you let him because it made him happy. But there was still a nagging voice in the back of your head that he didn't mean it.
It was hard to listen to that voice when he was kissing on you though.
Lester hated hearing you talk bad about yourself. He couldn't remember when it started but he remembered when he started commenting back at you. You were drop dead gorgeous to him, he was absolutely the lucky one to have you. He couldn't believe you didn't see what he saw.
He ran his hands through your hair and down your back, rubbing slow, gentle circles. "Ya know yer the bes' thing to ever happen to me, right?" His voice was soft, meant only for your ears. "Most beautiful, bright, 'n carin' person I ever known." He lifted your chin up to look at him, kissing your cheek. "Honest."
You believed him. Lester never lied to you, not since you'd learnt about Ambrose's dark truth. You ached to believe him, despite the deep-rooted self hate you felt.
So you let him shower you in love all day, let him bring you food and kiss you and compliment you. Let him adore you, the way he knew you deserved.
#🔪 creeps writes#slasher x s/o#slasher x reader#slasher fanfiction#lester sinclair#lester sinclair x reader#house of wax#🤎 anon
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Hi there darling! I do thank you very much for doing this with me and I hope you enjoy yours when I get finished with it!
Three fandoms: The Hunger Games, The Witcher, and The Lord of the Rings (preferably not a hobbit or Dwarve please)
Important info: Bisexual (male matches for this please!), She/her
Personality info: Entp, Leo sun, Aries Moon, Leo Rising, Gryffindor.
-I can be either two ways when you first meet me. Sarcastic and laid back or a little rocky. Some people at first can see me as a bit of a...well...asshole, but I assure you i'm not that bad. I just come off a little strong sometimes. When you get to know me though, I am someone who is blunt, still very sarcastic, protective, and a little fiery. I also have a non caring personality for the most part...sometimes its a bit of a mask though. Speaking of which, I'm kinda like an onion (gosh I hate using that metaphor.) I have layers and the more you get to know me, the more you'll peel away. I hate being vulnerable and stray away from emotions, so I can be a bit cynical and I am soooo stubborn holy crap, but I am working on that...
Hobbies: Lets see here....I did year around, competitive swimming for ten years, so swimming is a passion of mine and forever will be. I now do Martial Arts and i'm a high belt now. I enjoy just physical activity in general, but I also like music. Music is a love of mine. Plus I like simple things such as a good book, writing (I want to be a journalist), horror movies, and going for walks at night....oh and I adore the beach!
Dislikes: Spiders, I am terrified, petrified even of spiders.
Physical features: I'm 5'3...5'4 on a good day, pale skin with brown freckles everywhere, I have very thick brown hair that goes a little past my shoulders and it has a sort of auburn color to it actually?, i'm very skinny, like a twig, very little to no curves, big brown eyes.
Aesthetics: Grungecore? its hard to explain.....honestly I am my own aesthetic at this point
Thank you so so so much! I really enjoy doing these!
Want one? Here be the rules 🦋🌈
DUDE IM TERRIFIED OF SPIDERS TOO!!!
𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐇𝐮𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐆𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐬
𝑫𝒆𝒔𝒄𝒓𝒊𝒑𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏
𝑰 𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝑷𝒆𝒆𝒕𝒂 𝑴𝒆𝒍𝒍𝒂𝒓𝒌! Oh my god, okay so he would absolutely LOVE your fire. I see Peeta as an ENFJ, many people think he might be an ENFP, but he has strong morals and is firm in what he believes. So firmly in fact, that his mind had to be medically altered for him to be under Snow's control. So whenever you feel like you're 'too much' for Peeta, know that he can stand his ground whenever he wants to. He just doesn't see the need to with you. He loves your opinions and everything you have to say. (Why are you guys my ultimate ship now???)
𝑯𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒔
・Remembers every single detail about your life. Knows your favourite flower, memory, song, animal etc. He always uses that knowledge when giving you gifts
・Your pet names are ‘sweetheart’ and ‘honey’. Whenever he says it, his cheeks always blush a lil
・Loves it when you teach him martial art moves, he thinks it’s s interesting!!! and hot !!!
・He actually loves your sarcasm and chuckles everytime you make a comment
𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒎𝒆 𝑺𝒐𝒏𝒈
True North by Joseph Trapanese
𝑹𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒔
・They probably hate me (Peeta) x Deeply, passionately in love … is terrible at showing it (You)
・ Aggressively Supportive
・ Tragic Past x Ray of Light
𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐫
𝑫𝒆𝒔𝒄𝒓𝒊𝒑𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏
𝑰 𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝑮𝒆𝒓𝒂𝒍𝒕! He needs a woman/person that will put him in his place. Someone that will stand their ground and not let him walk over them. Because he ALWAYS thinks he knows best, but the world isn't black and white - not everyone is right, and not everyone is wrong. So, I think you have that power to tell Geralt to stand down.
𝑯𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒔
・You guys definitely have stare offs, and Geralt is like “It’s my way or the highway” and you’re like “okay bye” and then he’s like “no wait-”
・You like to call him super soppy and embarrassing nick names like ‘gerry-bear’ or ‘sweetums’. Especially when he’s in an angry mood
・He is so much taller than you. Like nearly a whole foot taller than you. But you make up for it in spirit. He would definitely tease you a little bit, not outright. Like when you have an argument, he'll put your things on higher shelves or branch just so you can't reach
・Getting into an argument and Jaskier tries to crack a joke to break the tension. But you both end up telling Jaskier to shut up at the same time
𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒎𝒆 𝑺𝒐𝒏𝒈
Flying With Mother by John Powell
𝑹𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒔
・Tough on the Outside, Soft on the Inside (Geralt) x The Top (You)
・Tol x Smol
・Mature/Responsible x Snarky/Fierce
𝐋𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐑𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬
𝑫𝒆𝒔𝒄𝒓𝒊𝒑𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏
𝑰 𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝑨𝒓𝒂𝒈𝒐𝒓𝒏! He would not know what to think of you when you guys first met. He would describe you to others as ‘a force to be reckoned with.’ You’re just so impressionable. He finds you so interesting!
𝑯𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒔
・Likes taking you somewhere that you can swim. Maybe a lake, or a river, maybe even a waterfall! That’s probably where you spend a lot of your dates!
・He knows you can take care of yourself, but wants to teach you a few lesson on other weapons. In return, you teach him a few things in martial arts
・You make him laugh all the time, to the point where he snorts. He can’t help it! The things you come out with!
・Is very proud to call you his significant other, and will boast about it to others. Literally. Especially if he’s been drinking, he’ll strike up a conversation with a stranger and start talking about how amazing you are
𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒎𝒆 𝑺𝒐𝒏𝒈
Wondrous Love by Bear McCreary
𝑹𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒔
・Both Wary of Love & Don’t Think This Can Be Real
・Big Scary x Small Intimidating
・Sun x Moon
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Hi. ✌️ I'm writing this as I'm feeling very low, so I'm sorry if it doesn't really make sense, but I've been struggling with my body image lately. 😓😓
Tw: body image struggles, sadness, negativity, bullying, mentions of being underweight.
For some unknown reason, I've been feeling very unsatisfied with the way I look. I've been struggling to accept my face and body. I used to feel like this when I was like, twelve or something, and then it got better, but, sometimes, like now, I get hit by so many insecurities... 🥲
The beauty standard, for women, where I live is to be curvy (because people love having something to grab).
And I never cared about that until I started going to school and my classmates would talk behind my back about how I was way too thin, way too flat, way too boney, too underweight. About how nobody would ever want me. Saying that my skin was too ugly (because I have freckles and I'm always covered in bruises, my skin is very thin, so it's easy to be marked), that nobody would like to hold me because it would be like hugging a pile of hard uncomfortable bones and then they'd point out "imperfections" that I never even noticed - my stretch marks around my thighs, my asymmetrical nose, my uneven knees, my dimples, my big front teeth, etc.
Having your body trashed by others is so hurtful, even when it isn't directed to me. 😣 Why are these people judging other people on the way they look? In such a superficial way? They didn't choose to be born this way. They are just. There. Trying to live their lives naturally. Why does it bother people so much the way you look? And then they make you hate yourself too, because no one likes having their "flaws" and insecurities called out and made fun of. And the worst part of it: if someone else has the same "flaws" as you, you won't think it looks that bad on them. 😐
Growing up was hard, and I grew to, not love, but accept myself as me. Still, those words linger in the back of my mind. Those are the things I keep on thinking about before falling asleep, while shopping for clothes, while eating, while staring at the mirror. I hate that their words are affecting me until now. I hate feeling so miserable about how I look. Do you have any advice on how to love yourself? On how to heal better from years of receiving hate?
I hope you have a great day and I hope I'm not bothering you. 😅
hellloo! sorry for the late response, i was quite busy :< i’m also very sorry to hear that you feel like that and i surely hope that what i’m going to say helps you somehow. in any kind of way, hopefully.
if your struggles get unbearable, please contact nearby (mental) health care services or friends. remember that there’s always someone out there who care for you for who you are <
first of all, no one deserves to go through such a thing. it’s horrible — that people call others out on things they can barely have any influence on, like how someone looks. never ever should anybody comment on another ones’ looks. shouldn’t ever be considered okay.
unfortunately, nowadays it’s like its normal. i see it every day, people and especially women getting trashed by thousands of unwanted comments from both men and women about their body. being too fat, being too skinny, being too dark skinned, having stretch marks : it’s literally impossible to be a woman, like america ferrera said in the barbie movie (saying the latter assuming you are a woman or identify as one). people will always feel like criticising someone else’s body or face, no matter what you change or try.
there’s lots of reasons for that; some just like to project, others tend to focus too much on the beauty standards that are institutionalised into their brains due to all kinds of social media platforms. you also have some people who love to hate because they want to feel better about themselves; aka insecurities. if they see someone who they think is less attractive than them, they tend to instantly downgrade them to make themselves feel better. it sucks — really does. but that says a lot about them as a person (trash LOL).
so those people who said all of those horrible things to you when you were young, probably did it due to one of the reasons stated above. and let me tell you, all reasons stated above do NOT justify their harsh words. it’s childish and immature to say all those words to you — they’re immature and need therapy themselves to grow out of that mindset of needing to bring other people down.
thus i can promise you that the right (mature) people do NOT care about how you look. the healthy & healed people who learnt that harsh words can easily influence another’s mind for years on end, do not ever trash you for your looks or insecurities. EVER. nor do people who actually realise just how harmful beauty standards are to the average human.
it’s unfortunate that those weren’t the people who were around you during your childhood and i’m sorry for that.
i’m sure you’re just fine. i hope you meet people who love you for who you are, people who love you inside and out no matter what or how you look. there are people out there that i’m sure you’ll meet one day whom will help you heal those open wounds from your past.
but, you can’t just sit around and wait on those people to come heal you. at the end of the day, it’s your body, your life, your thoughts. it’s tough to heal alone — but that’s a good start. slowly starting to learn to love yourself again will bring you all the peace you need.
it’s not a quick journey, believe me. it’s gonna be tough, you are going to slip and fall, but remember that your future is in your hands. not in the validation or words of others: your future is yours and so is your life.
my advice on how to love yourself after all those draining years is to spend more time with yourself. i know it sounds harsh, but getting to know your mind and self can put yourself at complete ease. what can you do to improve your understanding of yourself?
- keep a journal. don’t have to write in it every day, but each time you want to vent — write in it. if you feel too lazy to write, let off your steam in your notes app. or too lazy to type? talk out loud to yourself or voice record it.
- reflect on your journal. think about your feelings — ask why? questions. search for the possible problems behind your feelings. dissect those problems and search for possible solutions.
example: you feel sad again, because of your remembrance of what others had said to you in the past -> accept the situation; understand why you feel the way you feel -> think of those people and realise and accept that they’re in the past and you’re living in the future (as impossible and harsh as that sounds)
your future is in your hands — your future is something that you can CHANGE. the past is unchanging, you can’t undo what they said. you can’t undo the experiences. once again, as harsh as that sounds. accepting and moving on is a life long process which starts with teaching yourself exactly that.
a fresh new start = a fresh new chapter in your life. in your future. your present.
- learn to live in the present. againnnn, sounds impossible, but it takes time to accept this. you cannot undo what has happened nor can you undo that it has influenced you. that’s why people HEAL: you heal from your wounds, you don’t undo them. why? because you can’t undo them. you get hurt and accept the pain and the fact you got hurt. then you can start the process of healing, which you can only do if you move forward.
try your best to not hang in the past and focus on the present and future which lays in your hands.
- whenever you think back to whom or what hurt you, consider the value of it for your personal growth. is it negative? think about it if needed, accept it, nod, shrug and ultimately leave it behind because it will not help you personally in the future; you have no need for that stuff that will only get in the way of your journey to love yourself.
think about it for as long as you need, but make sure the thoughts get left behind. if you do not accept and do not stop thinking about those negative things, they will stick for the rest of your life and only make it more unbearable. (i call it the TAM method: ‘think, accept, move on’)
i know it sounds impossible, but trust me, it works once you get used to it.
of course, it doesn’t always work. and it is not bad to sometimes be unable to, it’s a looooong progress and journey, but as long as you keep doing what i said above — it will eventually come to you naturally. (i hope.)
- self care days! or mental health days, they call it. take some days for yourself, where you do your favorite things and just try to relax the best you can. example; take a walk with some music on, draw, watch your comfort series etc. etc. to get your mood up!! do this weekly. i do it on fridays after school/work because that’s when i feel best. but its always up to you to choose when to do them (can just be whnever you need a break from life).
lastly, i recommend (if you are able to afford it) to see a therapist or psychologist. they can give you the necessary tools and advice to help with your problems properly. it can also help if you talk it out with someone.
i’m always here to listen more to you. always here to help. my dms are also open and i will try to respond asap. remember that beauty standards do not define you for who you are: everyone’s unique, special and beautiful in their own way.
i myself may not love myself or accept myself fully yet, but the more i realise why other people say or do hurtful things, the more i accept that life is always going to be that way. there are always going to be people who criticise you no matter what. it’s a harsh world we live in — a harsh industry with lots of people whom haven’t healed or have gotten out of their institutionalised toxic mindsets. mind you; some never do.
that’s why associating yourself with such individuals will only bring you down. learn to disassociate yourself from them and that includes anything they’ve said to you — leave them to rot away in their own unbearable and toxic thoughts. live your life. it’s yours and no one can change or lead it for you. not their words nor their actions can change your present and future; only if you choose to allow them to.
focusing on yourself and wanting to love yourself and grow as a person gives you autonomy and authority about your own life. take that path and remember that it takes time to heal & accept yourself <3
LOVE YOU!
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Being a woman is so strange.
I remember in 8th grade I started trying to look “hot”. I wanted people to notice me in a good way and stop picking on me for being skinny, pale, and weird. I remember a boy holding my hand up in gym class and saying “you look so colorless I can see through you” and then everyone else laughing. I felt so bad about that because I didn’t like being the ugly, weird, poor kid. All the richer girls had spray tans or could naturally tan better than me. I went out and bought new clothes and stole my cousins push up bra. There was nothing to “push up”. I was TTT “too tall and titless” as my mom used to say.
Then as I got better at dressing myself and forced myself to be more outgoing the comments changed. I had always been bullied for being a nerd so I looked to my idols to become more like them. At the the time it was Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, and Britney Spears. They were the epitome of femininity to me, they were larger than life and so successful and had so much fun. How do I become more like them?
The answer at the time was to become dumb. That’s what everyone called them. They were so dumb but so hot. So I pretended to be dumb. I changed my voice and I put on an act and it was so fun! It was an armor that protected me from people. I can’t feel bad about something I did on purpose. Instead of people making fun of the way I looked or anything that mattered to me, they treated me like a silly little pet who says silly little things. I loved when people repeated and quoted the perfectly curated dumb things I said and laughed and said I was so funny. I felt included and accepted. “Your so cute”, “your so innocent”, and “god your such a bimbo”. The last one hurts my feelings but in a good way. Then the negative comments would also come in. One time an old lady said to me “The valley girl act won’t save real stupid” and that one stung. I also was commenting on the weather one time and a professor laughed and said I sounded like Paris Hilton. I was flattered for a second and then was a little hurt cause I knew he thought I was dumb- and he was one of the first people I wanted to think I was smart.
Now that I’m older I want to be taken seriously. The dumb fun act definitely still benefits me, but there are times when I am not respected the way I know I should be. People are shocked when I know basic things and am able to preform simple tasks. They praise me on doing the bare minimum and expect nothing from me, even when I’m going beyond. People are always confused by me because I can’t seem to seperate myself from the bimbo persona cause I love her, and she is me, but I’m also the big nerd who knows way too much about soil and can do this math god damn it! So I want people to take me seriously, but also if people take me too seriously I know I will fade into the background. Oh well it’s a woman’s curse to overthink her over-curated persona to be accepted. It’s not even a persona at this point, I like, definitely dyed my hair blonde too. What’s the truth anymore?
Anyways, Is this water zero calories??
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alright so im actually being sappy for once
you guys remember a couple days ago when i said there was stuff doing on i wasn't ready to talk about (which is genuinely concerning honestly because i overshare way too much, so any time i dont talk about something thats when people should be concerned lmao)?
yeah well. here we go. this is gonna be a really deep post and honestly im nervous so im just gonna jump right into it
TW: Eating disorders, general self hate, delusions(?), paranoia, very long post
so, i ended up in the hospital middle of april. i had been having some mental health episodes where i pretty much mostly believed that i was in a simulation, and the only way to get out was to die. this made me end up in the emergency room, but i was let out that night (literally 1 in the morning), as i was too terrified to go back into a mental hospital (i have had very traumatic experiences with hospitals - the first one i ever went to actually just got shut down due to patient right violations).
a day went by and i was in sort of a hazey depressive state. i really don't know how to describe it, i just didnt feel like me. the day after that i decide to go out for a drive as i hadn't been out of the house for three days because i was staying home from school so my parents could make sure i was safe (this happens a lot so it wasn't shocking). so, i went out for a drive. i felt fairly okay when i left, but somehow i ended up back in an episode and i found myself driving in complete silence for hours trying to "find a way out" of the "simulation" i thought i was in. i never found it. shocker.
that episode slowly turned into paranoia, which i've only really started struggling with recently (i've had the delusional-type episodes for years now, but they've never been this bad). i'll leave out some details as it does get to the point where i honestly don't want to put that information online, but somehow i ended up parking at my favorite park and just staring at nothing. for three hours. my family was trying to contact me, but i thought they were going to hurt me, so i didn't text back. eventually they found me, and they convinced me to let them take me to the hospital. again.
this time i didn't really go back to normal as fast as i did before, and my parents were afraid that if i went home something else would happen. so i was put into another mental hospital. this was my 4th time in a mental hospital, and literally all of my other experiences with them were horrible, so needless to say i was fucking terrified. turns out, they were actually really good! the staff were nice and the place actually looked pretty good. i was let out about a week later.
now you would think i would start getting better after i got out. i wish.
i mean, technically i was doing better in the delusional-paranoid aspect of things, but something just didn't feel right. i just felt off. two days later, my mom mentions something about some levels in my blood being off and that it can be caused by not exercising and that just flipped a switch in me. literally the instant she said that i just went down a very dark hole (not blaming my mom at all, she didn't do this on purpose).
see, i already didn't have a very healthy relationship with my body or food, seeing as i literally had just recovered from ARFID a couple months ago, but on top of that there was this whole other layer of thoughts that i hadn't told anyone, literally ever. since 2018 i've suffered with feeling guilty from eating, i genuinely felt like i didn't deserve the food i got and i didn't like the way i looked. i was very skinny at the time due to ARFID struggles, and people really liked to comment on how tiny i was.
once i started gaining weight when i recovered from ARFID, the thoughts of hating my body and the guilt from eating just got so much worse. there was a time where i actually went to great measures which i will not name just because i wanted to be skinny again. and i didn't really know why i wanted to be so skinny, because i knew that being fat wasn't a bad thing, fat people are beautiful. i just had this thought in my head that i was literally hideous and ugly and the only way to make myself pretty was to be skinny, even though i thought everyone else regardless of weight or shape was perfect.
i was doing fine for a while, but then my mom told me about that blood level thing and it all came crashing down. i literally would run for two hours straight every single day for a week, to the point where i physically can't walk down stairs because my legs hurt so bad, and i have shin splints. i stopped eating, i only really ate when i had to.
after a little over a week of this, i caved and finally told my closest friends about what was going on. they were there to support me, but i knew that there was only so much they could do.
since then, i've just struggled immensely with body image and food. like, immensely. it's literally all i can think about all day every day.
but, last saturday i decided that no matter what, no matter how many times i fell down and struggled to eat, i would try again, try to take another bite, and try to heal my relationship with food and my body.
so, yeah. im sorry for the book, but i genuinely want to be open about mental health online (at least when no one knows who i really am lmao). i want people to know they're not alone, and i want people who aren't suffering with these problems to know about them.
anyway. that's what i've been going through recently. i may not be posting much, if at all, honestly, for the next while. but i know that eventually i will overcome this, i just have to keep getting back up every time i fall.
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big time vent
The first memory I have of my body is when I was 8. In year 4 we were learning about the different states, solid liquid gas. Miss Nolan handed around a bag of cholate buttons and asked us all to take one, hold it in your hand or place it on your tongue, and see what happens she said. I’ll hold mind in my hand I thought, then my classmates will know I’m not fat because I’m greedy, I just happen to look that way. No one else held theirs, I walk to the bathroom alone to wash my hands.
When I’m 10 I walk to school alone. I’ve only just started to be interested in boys, and I’m even more aware of how I look. I know I'm bigger than the other kids my age. A group of men in a car stop for me at the zebra crossing. They tell me I'll grow into my body soon. They tell me to give them a call. I'm only 10 I think, can't they see my school uniform? I'll never know their names.
When I'm 13 I have a friend named Luce. She's pretty and skinny. She's a vegetarian, so I become one, maybe I can be skinny too. She's anorexic, so I imitate it, maybe I can be skinny too. I starve myself when people can see, and I go home and eat. I develop binge eating disorder. My weight doesn't change. I'll never forget her name.
When I'm 14, we spend out time at sleepovers on Omegle. It's what everyone did. You laugh when old men flash you and ask how old you are. Something doesn't feel right, but everyone's doing it. I'll never know their names.
When I'm 15, I use Tagged. Everyone around me is in a relationship, and I think my chances are better online. I speak to all sorts of men from different ages. I'm not being groomed I think. I know what grooming is. These men are just kind to me when they talk about my body. A 21 year old man named Nick plans for me to visit him. I'll never forget his name.
When I'm 16, I loose my virginity to Jake. It wasn't special, or mind blowing. But I loved him, and it was intimate. I still remember small details, how we went to London and the science museum, my red lipstick, his blue camo coat, how we raced my parents home so we would have a free house. I consented, and he checked. I'll never forget his name.
When I'm 16, I start college. I meet Quaid. He tells me I'm pretty. He convinces me to send him photos of myself, I think he likes me. He shares the photos with his friends. I don't know the names of the men who have seen my breasts now. I cry because I'm a slut, I've only had sex with one man. I'll never forget his name.
When I'm 16, I date Julien. I think he loves me. He rapes me. It's not rape I tell myself, he thinks my no's are playing. Like when he tickles me. He leaves me and gets with another woman, and starts telling everyone about my saggy tits. I don't bother explaining gravity. I go to the youth centre in town, and the man tells me that it's hard to prove rape if he was my boyfriend. I steal ibuprofen from my nan, and swallow them. I get scared and call 999 for myself, dying is scary. I survive. I'll never forget his name.
When I'm 17, me and Ryan break up. I still have to stay at his house, as we made plans. He's drunk and he starts to touch me. I don't want him to, so I say no. I sleep on the floor that night. I know how to say no, and he respected it. He ends up cheating on me and getting chlamydia, I'll never forget his name.
When I'm 18, I start university. I haven't experience night life before this, except drinking in a field with friends. One night my friends go home early, they leave me with someone, I can't remember who. Another man wants to take me home, no-one checks what I want. I remember trying to stop him. I remember waking up and he was gone. I remember the comments from my flatmates about the good night I just had. I don't know if anything happened, what proof do I have if I don't even know what he looks like. I'll never know his name.
When I'm 18, My binge eating disorder gets worse. I plan it days ahead. I still do not know that I have an eating disorder. One cheat day won't hurt I tell myself.
When I'm 26, My boyfriend of 3 years sexually assaults me. I don't know that yet. I wake up from a nap with Liam. One of his hands were down my pants, and the other down his. He notices I wake up and he stops. Maybe he thought I was awake, I tell myself. He breaks up with me 6 months later, that was the last time he touched me. Maybe if I stayed asleep he would still love me I tell myself. Maybe if I let him he would still love me. It's not assault if he's my boyfriend right. It's not rape if he didn't use his penis. I bring it up the last time we speak, he doesn't remember it happening. Maybe I'm just making it up. I'll never forget his name.
When I'm 26, I am the most suicidal I've ever felt. I plan my suicide using tools from amazon. I stop working, I binge nearly every day. My boss buys me 6 hours of therapy. I start to realise that I was sexually assaulted. I was asleep, I could not consent. I did not consent. I realise that I have an eating disorder, and that every time I do it, I've been self harming. I continue therapy from my own wallet, until the desire to kill myself subsides.
My name is Ally and I'm 26 years old, and I start to wonder when I lost ownership of my own body. Was it when I was 8 and decided that my peers opinion of my body mattered more than mine? Was it when I was first catcalled or flashed. Was it when images of me were shared without my consent, or when sexual acts were taken from me without consent. Did I get ownership back when I said no, and proved I could say no, only to loose it again to the next man to take it?
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649.
What’s the best part about Chinese food?
It's quite a sociable food? I know that sounds weird but whenever we've ordered Chinese, we get a mixture of stuff and share it all out family-style.
What’s the most favorite class you’ve ever had?
A-level history was probably my overall favourite, but I also enjoyed English up to A-level when I started finding it a bit dull, really.
How do you feel about skinny jeans?
I love skinny jeans, wouldn't wear any other style.
How do you feel about the teen stars from Disney?
Nothing. I never watched the Disney Channel growing up so they don't mean anything to me.
For each person you’ve kissed, describe your feelings in one word:
I've kissed way too many people to e able to do this.
How do you react when you trip or stumble?
It depends on whether I'm alone or in company, lol.
Could you seriously have sex using a colored condom?
Sure, it's not like you can see them lol.
Do you have a tattoo?
Yes.
What’s that on your face?
Glasses and a scratch courtesy of Beans.
Have any favorite quotes?
I have loads - I couldn't list them all.
Are you good at “biting your tongue”?
Yeah - I mean, you can't just go around saying what you want without consequence. Being honest is one thing, but it's just not always appropriate to blurt things out regardless.
Why do you love the one you do?
There are all sorts of reasons.
Where do you want to go in life?
I just want to be happy. I'm really not bothered about achievements or success or anything like that.
Do you like the way you look?
Sure, to an extent.
Do you have “friends” that you actually hate?
No, that's shitty behaviour.
Do you know what you want to do as a living yet?
I'm happy doing what I do - as long as I can work with animals, I'm happy.
What looks like a really good workout?
Most things, hahah.
Have you tackled somebody to the ground?
No.
Are you good at the game Twister?
I wouldn't be, I have too much joint problems these days ha.
What’s the last thing that really had you crying?
I genuinely can't remember the last time I cried. It was probably when Layla died.
Do you think you have ambition?
No. I don't really want any either.
Would you rather donate time, money, or clothes to charity?
Clothes or time.
Do people get uneasy around you when you talk to their bfs/gfs?
Not so far as I know?
Do your friends trust you around their bfs/gfs?
I wouldn't be friends with people who didn't trust me.
Would you rather get [another] tattoo or piercing?
Probably tattoo.
Do you have a favorite cartoon?
I don't really watch cartoons, but probably The SImpsons.
Do you let yourself “like like” people, or do you hold back?
I don't hold back, no.
Do you have long or short legs?
Long, to the point where everyone comments on it.
Have you ever had In-School Suspension (ISS)?
No.
When do you listen to Nickleback?
Just whenever they come up on my Spotify playlists.
What’s a pretty flower?
Sunflowers.
Do you think there’s any truth to the zodiac?
Nope.
Would you rather make the first move, or your crush?
I'd rather they made the first move, but honestly I don't mind either way.
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