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#I haven’t made a smoothie in so long mostly because I’d have to use a blender and one I don’t know if we have one and two they scare me

suckitsurveys · 4 months

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Has anyone ever made fun of your taste in music? Yes, which is so dumb.

What’s your favorite season of the year? Summer.

Do you have pop-tarts in your house right now? Nope.

Is anyone’s birthday coming up? One of my cousin’s birthdays is this month.

Does someone owe you over twenty dollars? Yup.

Do you remember who you liked in grade eight? No one, really.

When was the last time you burned any part of your body? My mouth earlier today because I can never wait to drink my tea.

Have you ever overflown a bathtub? Probably.

Are you dressing up for Halloween this year? Of course! I really wanna be Tonya from The White Lotus.

Have you ever called somebody dollface? Maybe as a joke.

If I gave you ten dollars, what would you spend it on? Lunch.

Have you ever thrown food at a stranger in a movie theater? Nope.

What are you most excited about right now? My family and I are going on a lil mini vacation to an indoor waterpark at the end of the month and we’re going WITHOUT my brother in law and I’m so GOD DAMN happy.

Does / did either of your parents serve in the military? They never did.

Are you somewhat of a perfectionist? To a fault.

Do you like sour candy? Yes.

Where would you like to go on your honeymoon? We never really went on a honeymoon but I’d love to go somewhere tropical.

Do you have Verizon? No.

What do you do to stay awake when you’re tired? Coffee.

Are all nighters something you have grown used to? I wouldn’t say I’m “used” to them, no. It’s not something I do often because I don’t really have any reasons to stay awake like that anymore.

Do you usually wear sunglasses when you’re driving? Yes. Prescription sunglasses have been a game changer.

Do you wear your shoes around the house? Nope.

Is there ever a time that you enjoy cold showers? Yeah, when it’s really hot outside.

What clothes are you most comfortable in? Hoodies and leggings/jeans or big tees and bike shorts. Or hoodies and bike shorts or big tees and leggings/jeans.

Is there anybody you’re not ashamed to tell anything to? My husband and my best friend Sarah.

What has changed most about you in the past year? I’m getting better at setting boundaries not only for my mental health but also my physical health.

Are you good at painting nails? Eh. I haven’t painted my own nails in a really long time.

Smoothies or slushies? Smoothies.

Are you good at filling silence in awkward situations? Sometimes, sure.

Ignoring nutrition, could you live off veggies for the rest of your life? No.

Elaborate on a way you have volunteered? I used to belong to a group in high school that did a lot of volunteering. We went to animal shelters or helped kids or cleaned up trash mostly. I’ve also done stuff for school and helped my sister with various things too.

Do you use a full length mirror daily? Yeah. I mean, I walk passed one every morning at least.

Can you walk in heels, or do you feel awkward in them? Nope.

Any TV shows you sit down weekly to watch? The only thing currently airing on a regular basis that I watch is SNL. Otherwise, I basically just binge watch stuff.

Does anybody know about your sex life other than your partners? I mean, I don’t talk about it often with anyone. Not that I wouldn’t, it just doesn’t come up usually.

Even if you don’t like politics, do you still have opinions on the issues? Of course.

Are you one to sneak food into movie theaters? No, if I am going to the movies, I want movie theater popcorn and that’s it.

Will you tell someone if there’s something in their teeth? If I know them, yeah.

Do you ever actually make your bed? I don’t because there’s usually a cat or a husband sleeping in it still before I leave for the day. Sometimes Mark will make it but I don’t really see the point unless we had company or something and they can see into our room.

Do you make an effort to eat healthy? I have been lately. Just mainly getting better at moderation and curbing my cravings for sweet stuff by making smoothies instead.

How are things between the person you like / love / are with? Amazing! I love him more and more every day.

Where did you sleep last night? In my bed.

The last time you kissed someone, what color of shirt were they wearing? Black.

What kind of booze did you last take shots of? Tequila at my friend’s birthday/engagement party back in November.

What’s something you want to purchase next time you’re at the mall? I don’t have any set plans to go to a mall anytime soon.

Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you that you were sexy? Yes.

If you could see any musician live, front row, who would you choose? I’d love to be front row at Lana Del Rey or Billie Eilish or Olivia Rodrigo, even though I’ve already seen Lana and Billie live twice and I’m going to see Olivia next month!

If you had to choose between a million dollars or to be able to change a regret? The money, no question. Fuck a regret.

Are you taller than your mom? I was by an inch by the time she passed.

Have you ever been around someone who was high? Several times, including myself.

Do you prefer to take your showers at night or in the morning? Night.

Think back to June. Were you in a relationship? Yup.

What’s so special about what you’re wearing? Nothing really.

Do you have any ‘naughty’ photos on your phone? Nope.

Could you handle living with a male roommate? I mean, I live with my husband.

What were you doing at 10:00 this morning? This actually. And working. I keep going back and forth.

Why aren’t you texting the last person you kissed? I actually am.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you? I know they do.

What do you miss the most about your past? Blah.

When is the next time you will kiss someone? When I get home later.

Has anyone taken their shirt off in front of you? Yes.

Plan on getting drunk or high tonight? Nah.

In the past week, have you cried hysterically? Yup..

Do you think you’ll actually live a happy life with somebody? I am.

Are you on birth control? Nope, I don’t need to be.

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? Kinda, Mark and I were talking a little bit.

Last time you were really happy? I mean, I am okay right now.

Do you tend to fall for players? Nope.

Why aren’t you in ‘love’ with your last ex? Because I am not.

Have you ever asked a boy for advice? Yes..

Are you wrapped in a blanket? Nope.

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night? Lol good one.

Have you spoken to your mother today? Father? Neither yet. Well, I mean, I won’t talk to my mom, because she’s dead, but I will see my father later when I stop by before I go to the gym.

#surveys

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mhdiaries · 4 years

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13 Wishes Howleen Wolf Diary

On the 18th of July

Mom barked me out of bed this morning saying that I needed to get out of her fur for a few hours. It was that or help her with housework, and since yesterday I spent all day sweeping the attic.... sooo much dust!... I was out of the doggie-door before she could say boo. It’s hard not to feel screeching jealous of Clawd and Clawdeen, cause they always seem to be busy during the summer while I’m stuck at home playing cobweb cleanup. It’s tough being the little sister of two of the most popular monsters on campus - Clawdeen has her pack of friends, and Clawd has his bluddies and Draculaura, too. Meanwhile I texted my beast friend, Twyla, to see if she wanted to come lurk in the park with me today, but she can be pretty nocturnal. Not that I mind moonlighting with her, but sometimes a ghoul wants to get out in the sun, yanno? I took my soccer ball and got some solo practice in, but it’s just not as clawsome by yourself... it made me feel kind of lame, actually. I did see Venus sitting by the trees at on end of the park, but it seemed like she was having a really intense conversation with the oaks and I didn’t want to interrupt. I like Venus, but you have to watch out for her when she’s on the environmental warpath, or she’ll totally talk your ear off. Anyway, after a little while I got distracted listening... okay, eavesdropping... on her (who knew trees had so much drama?) and kicked the ball onto the casketball court where some older monsters were playing. They got fangry, and I wound up packing up and going home with my tail between my legs. Now I wish I’d ignored them and kept playing, cause now I’m bored again. Sooo. Boooored. I’d even listen to Venus lecture me about the dangers of styrofoam... at least it would be something to do!

On the 23rd of July

It’s hard not to feel funky when everyone besides me has things figured out for themselves. Clawdeen has fashion and Clawd has sports, and they both seem to just know what they want. Mom and Dad say I shouldn’t compare myself to them, or anyone else, but that’s such parent advice that I don’t feel like it should count. Besides, it’s not like I don’t know what I want to do... well, okay, it IS that, but it’s also that I want to do everything?? Like, once I spent two weeks trying to make a viral video for FrightTube. Then the week after that I decided that it was totally my destiny to be a superstar singer. Then three weeks later I was totally focused on my future as a Howlympian athlete! And I haven’t stopped wanting to do any of that stuff, but it’s too hard to do it all, and impossible to pick only one, especially cause I don’t know what I’m really good at yet. I feel like I’m getting to a point where I choose or I lose. I mean, what if I discover my hidden talents too late to do anything with them? It’d be so, so tragic. That’s why I’ve been trying so much different stuff this year - music lessons, dance class, everything I can get my claws on. Something will click sooner or later, right?

On the 29th of July

Today I heard... okay maybe eavesdropped on... Draculaura telling Clawd about a big open mic poetry scream going on at the Coffin Bean at the end of the summer. I went on their web site page to check it out, and now I think I might want to try it out, too? I mean I’ve written some poetry, and I’m always accidentally rhyming all the time. And my hip-hop dance classes have totally infused me with the muse... see what I mean? Yeah... I think I want to do this! But I gotta text Twyla and see if she’ll come out for moral support. It’s at night, and the Coffin Bean is usually pretty dark, so she’ll have no excuse not to come - besides, she loves their cupquakes.

On the 30th of July

I finally talked Twyla into going to the Maul with me. If you let her she’d probably stay in the shadows all summer, but lucky for her I won’t let lurking boogiemen lie! We went to the fur salon, and I picked out some new colors for my ‘do - I’ve been letting it go natural lately, but that doesn’t stop me from switching up my style all the time. I wound up buying like five different colors because I couldn’t decide on just one. After that we split a big booberry smoothie at the food corpse and we talked for a long while. Well... mostly I talked, Twy listened, because she’s a clawsome listener. She let me howl about how was I supposed to pick what I wanted to do with the rest of my life if I couldn’t even pick a hair color? I asked her what she thought I should do, and she got this really freaky intense look, like she was thinking hard, and then she flicked my ear and said, “I think what you really want to do is plan out your whole life before you live it, and you can’t do that, so stop stressing out.” Which is both good advice and totally useless because you can’t stop stressing out just because you want to, like, when has that ever worked in all monster history? But I do feel better, somehow. I think it helped to just talk about it to someone who gets me and doesn’t laugh when I say dumb stuff. She also agreed to come cheer me on at the poetry scream. There’s a reason Twyla is my beastie. =)

On the 10th of August

Clawd and Clawdeen actually weren’t busy today for once. Even though they’re a pain in the fang, hanging with them can still be scary-fun. Sometimes. Clawd talked us into playing a pick-up soccer game in the backyard, and Clawdeen didn’t even get growly when she fell into one of the holes Clawd made along the fence... he likes to bury things in the dirt and dig them up later. I think it’s a boy thing. We’ve all got game, and later we did get into an argument about who had the most points - we’d said we weren’t keeping score, but no duh, of course we all were! But no one got their fur in a frizz about it for a change. After a while we were making up the biggest number we could think of and howling with laughter. Dad said later he almost didn’t want to call us inside for dinner because he loves seeing us act like one big happy pack. I think he misses when all my even bigger brothers and sisters were still at home... Mom teases that he’s got empty den syndrome. I miss my older brothers and sisters sometimes, too, but they aren’t that far away. (Plus, not that they’ve moved out, the wait for the bathroom is a LOT shorter.)

On the 13th of August

I think I’m getting cold paws. The poetry scream is in just a few days, and my brain has been going all over the place since I said I’d go. What if I get stage fright? What if I totally blank and forget the whole poem? What if I’m not even that good? ...Ugh, okay, I texted Twyla, and she convinced me not to give up the ghost. Plus she pointed out that since it’s open mic, I can always just show up and decided if I want to go ahead with it when I get there. Sometimes I wish I could borrow Clawdeen’s confidence, not just her clothes... she never seems scared of anything.

On the 18th of August

Whoa, I’m still shaking. The Coffin Bean was WAY more packed than I thought it would be. There had to be dozens of monsters there, and I was a total casket case even with my beastie at my side until I ran into Clawd and Draculaura. I sort of hadn’t told them I’d be there, so they were scary surprised to see me. And then they found out I was sort of thinking about maybe performing, they wouldn’t let me get away with not doing it. So I signed up and waited for my turn, even though I was so howling nervous I could barely hear the poets on before me, and then it was my turn. I was so wound up that my eyes were practically crossing with fright, but I saw my bro and Draculaura waving from the audience, and Twy giving me the claws-up, I sucked it up and read my poem. I had it memorized and gave it everything I had, and the monsters in the crowd really seemed to dig it. I didn’t like completely bring the house down, but when even the zombies slow-clapped at the end and Clawd whooped for me it felt just little bit epic. Then Draculaura when on with this mega-romantic and sweet poem and she had the whole audience wailing like banshees. Even I got a little teary-eyed, and Clawd was whimpering into his coffinchino... he made me promise not to tell anyone lol. Of course she won first place for the night - not that I’m moaning. She totally deserved it, and I came i third, which made me feel pretty clawsome about the whole thing. Even Clawd was patting me on the back and bragging that I was his little sis to anyone who’d listen... which was embarrassing, but whatever, kind of nice too. =) I gave Twyla the biggest hug for staying with me, too, especially since crowds are one of her fangups. I have to say, I really liked tackling my fears... it makes me think maybe I’m ready for a whole new me next year! Watch out, Monster High!

#monster high #monster high diary #howleen wolf #13 wishes

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starryknight09 · 3 years

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Unforeseen dangers ch. 7

Summary: As Peter recovers from his capture by Ross, a photo of him with Tony and the Avengers leaks and is splashed all across the media. Luckily, no one can figure out who he is and everyone thinks the buzz will die down. However, the public’s interest has been ignited. While Tony worries it’s only a matter of time before Peter’s identity is exposed, Peter isn’t as concerned. Besides, what’s the worst that could happen anyway?

Read on AO3.

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“The Avengers get into the holiday spirit and visit group homes throughout the city on Christmas day.” Pepper read aloud from the front page of the New York Times in her hand. She set it down on the kitchen table between Tony and Peter. “That was sure nice of you.”

“Kid’s idea.” Tony mumbled, barely glancing at the paper as he slurped his disgusting green smoothie, face buried in his Starkphone. Peter wasn’t sure what his dad was reading, but whatever it was had been distracting him for the past ten minutes.

“Of course it was.” Pepper smiled at him, and Peter ducked his head down at the compliment.

“So besides handing out presents to the less fortunate, how was your Christmas?” Pepper asked.

“It was good.” Peter answered, reaching out to grab the newspaper since no one else seemed interested and he wanted to see the article.

“Just good?” Pepper prompted, obviously fishing for more.

“It was great. Amazing. Best Christmas ever.” Tony said, finally looking up with an amused smile and a knowing look.

“Oh? And why’s that?”

“You don’t have to play coy. The kid already told me you helped him.”

“Helped him with what?” Pepper asked but even Peter could tell she was teasing.

“That’s good. Almost believable. Do you use your skills for good or evil in my boardroom?”

“It depends.”

Peter blinked and glanced up to study Tony and Pepper with a frown. He’d heard his fair share of conversations between the two of them but this one seemed different. Happier. Or more lighthearted. He couldn’t put his finger on it exactly.

“And that’s why I made you CEO of my company.”

“Oh, that’s why? I thought it was because of my impeccable negotiation skills.”

“That’s about twelve percent of the reason why.” Tony’s eyes glittered and Pepper let out a rough surprised laugh that Peter had never heard from her before. He didn’t get it. It must be some kind of inside joke.

He suddenly realized what was happening right in front of him. Oh god. They were flirting. Peter scrunched his nose up in repulsion.

“Ew get a room.” He blurted out before he could stop himself. He felt his cheeks heat, so he stared resolutely down at the paper in front of him to hide his blush.

“Excuse you. What did you say?” Tony asked, sounding surprised and exasperated at the same time.

“You heard me.” Peter mumbled, pretending to be engrossed in the article so he wouldn’t have to see the look on his dad’s face.

Pepper let out an uncharacteristic snort and added, “He’s definitely your son.”

“Yeah.” Tony agreed. “But sometimes I don’t know whether to be proud of that fact or scared.”

“I’d say you should be twelve percent scared.” Pepper joked and they both laughed again.

Gross. Peter rolled his eyes even though neither of them were paying attention to him. As a distraction, he focused on the article. It was fairly bland, outlining which group homes they’d gone to, the pairs they’d split up into, and some examples of the presents they’d handed out. The writing was perfunctory. Mostly it was just pictures of them.

“No, but seriously, thanks for helping Peter out.”

“You’re welcome.”

Peter studied the photos. There was a good one of Steve and Sam, another of Nat and Bruce, but Peter’s favorite was the one of him as Spiderman, next to Tony, handing out elaborately wrapped gifts.

He tuned out whatever Pepper and Tony were talking about and skimmed the rest of the front page of the newspaper. There was something there about US weapons being used against Yemen by Saudi Arabia and another story along the side covering how bad New York landlords had gotten away with a slap on the wrist. He was about to turn the page, when a grainy photo at the bottom right hand corner caught his eye.

It was another photo of Tony, but it wasn’t from their Christmas outing. In this picture, he was sitting in a booth at one of his favorite burger restaurants. At first it seemed like a fairly benign picture of him and Peter wondered how it had made the front cover. He looked to the headline above it for a clue.

The words, Different Day, Same Kid? met his eye and his breath caught. His attention snapped back to the photo and this time he noticed he was in it as well. He’d automatically glazed over himself before because he wasn’t exactly a feature in it. In fact, he was barely in it. But he was in it. And his face was clearer than it’d been in the photo at the Accords signing. Whoever had taken it had obviously been trying to take a photo of Tony, but Peter had happened to be in the path of the camera, sitting opposite him in the booth. Tony was holding his hamburger and smiling at him, but luckily only a small part of Peter’s face was visible in profile. The camera had mostly just captured the back of his head.

Peter held his breath as he studied the photo of himself, but even he couldn’t definitively tell it was him just by looking at it. He only knew he was the one sitting across from Tony because he remembered that day. He closed his eyes and let out a short sigh of relief.

“What?” Tony asked.

“Um…” Peter looked over at him, his conversation with Pepper now on hold as he frowned at him.

“What’s wrong?”

Peter looked back down at the paper and then at Tony. “You might want to see this.” He winced and passed the paper over to him, already anticipating the kind of reaction it would get.

“Yeah I know we made the front page.” Tony said dismissively after he glanced at it, brow furrowed in confusion. “Why does that have your panties in a twist?”

“No. That’s not what I was looking at.”

Tony looked at the paper again. “Then what—” The question cut off as he noticed the other photo.

“Shit.” Tony swore. “Pep look at this.”

He handed the paper to her, pointing to the photo. Pepper took it and echoed him after only a few seconds. “Shit.”

“At least you can’t tell it’s me, right?” Peter offered quietly. He hadn’t thought so, but after their reaction he was nervous maybe he’d been deluding himself.

Tony took it back and held it closer to his eyes as he scrutinized the photo. After a few long seconds, he nodded. “You’re right. You can’t tell.”

“Are you sure?” Pepper asked, grabbing it and looking at it closer as well.

“I’m sure.” Tony answered.

Pepper chewed on her lip and cocked her head to the side as she stared at the grainy photo. “Yeah…you’re right. They didn’t get a good enough angle.”

“Jesus. I thought everyone had given up.” Tony complained with a heavy sigh as he entangled a hand through his hair. “This is ridiculous. That picture had to have been taken months ago.”

Peter nodded. It had been. Back in September.

“What are people doing? Going through every possible old photo of me to try to find evidence of Peter?” Tony pursed his lips.

“Apparently.” Pepper quirked an eyebrow at him. “Are you telling me you’re actually surprised?”

Tony glanced over at him and for once Peter couldn’t read the expression on his face. It was an uncharacteristic mix of sadness and worry and…regret?

“No. You’re right. I’m not.” Tony rubbed his eyes. “I guess I’d just hoped we’d gotten lucky. I mean, we haven’t heard a peep in weeks and nothing new since that first picture.”

Pepper nodded.

Tony shook his head in resignation. “This is going to start everything up all over again.”

Pepper nodded in agreement. “It is.”

Peter’s eyes widened. What? No.

“It is?” He asked tentatively.

Tony and Pepper both looked over at him before sharing a meaningful look with each other.

“We’ll take care of it honey.” Pepper was the first to speak, breaking Tony’s gaze to give him a soft and reassuring smile. “It’ll be ok.”

“Are you sure?” His brow creased. They didn’t seem very sure.

“It’s going to be fine.” Tony said but Peter couldn’t tell who he was trying to reassure, Peter or himself. “We’re just going to have to keep a low profile for a little longer.”

“How much longer?” He already hated how they hadn’t been able to go out in public together since this whole thing started.

Tony and Pepper shared another look.

“Just tell me.” Peter huffed in annoyance. “I’m a big boy. I can handle it.”

“Forever.” Tony answered.

Peter’s face went slack in shock. No. That couldn’t be right. He looked to Pepper for some reassurance, some renunciation of the claim, but she stayed silent and stony faced.

“But— I can’t… Forever?”

“At least until we’re ready for your identity to become public knowledge, which I for one don’t want happening anytime soon. For your sake. And my sanity’s.”

“So not forever.” Peter clarified with relief. Forever meant until after he was old and white haired.

Tony pursed his lips and reiterated, “Not anytime soon.”

“After I graduate from high school?”

“No. No way. Maybe after college, but preferably after grad school.” Tony answered.

“Who ever said I was going to grad school? Actually, who ever said I was going to college?” Peter argued.

Tony shot him an unimpressed look.

“What?”

“You’re going to college. It’s not negotiable.”

Peter scrunched his nose in annoyance. “I don’t want to fight about that right now. It’s not even related to what we’re talking about.”

“Uh excuse me, yes it is, and since when do you not want to go to college?” Tony’s eyes widened in surprise when he realized Peter wasn’t just yanking his chain.

“I didn’t say I didn’t want to go. I just said I didn’t know if I wanted to go.”

“Jesus.” Tony pinched the bridge of his nose between his eyes, something he only did when he was stressed or had a headache coming on. He took a deep breath and let it all out in a short huff before checking his watch. “I’d love to give you an earful right now but I have a meeting I’m already late for.” He downed the rest of his coffee and stood.

“But don’t think this means you’re off the hook. We’re tabling this discussion for later.” He said, pointing at him as Pepper tried to repress a smile behind him.

“Fine.” Peter gave a one shouldered shrug. He hadn’t wanted to talk about it anyway. He knew Tony wouldn’t understand how conflicted he felt over the decision to go away to college or stay in the city to be Spiderman. Tony wouldn’t understand the duty he had to his city, to Queens. His dad looked at him too much like a little kid still.

“Good. Great.” Tony replied, still seeming irked, but he walked out with Pepper without commenting any further.

Peter waited until they’d left to let out a heavy sigh. Who scheduled a meeting for the morning after Christmas anyway? Hopefully that meant it was important. Maybe then he’d get lucky and Tony would get distracted by whatever the meeting was about and forget about the whole college thing. He hoped so anyway. He really didn’t want to argue about it when he hadn’t even made a decision yet.

Peter finished his cereal and put the bowl away in the dishwasher, his eyes drawn almost magnetically to the newspaper sitting on the table as he walked past it into the living room. He tore his gaze away and threw himself onto the couch. It was just one stupid picture. One more picture. It didn’t mean there’d be more. It’d be fine. He didn’t have anything to worry about. He didn’t.

He took a breath and tried to unfurl the tension in his neck as he pulled out his phone and tapped on Ned’s number. His best friend always knew how to distract him.

Ned answered on the second ring.

“Hey man, what’s going on? How was your Christmas?”

Peter rubbed at his tired eyes before picking up the unappetizing sandwich in front of him. He’d stayed up way too late last night playing a new video game with Ned. It’d been awesome at the time, but now he was paying for his meager three hours of sleep. At least it was a Friday, the first day of February, and they got a three day weekend because the following Monday was some kind of teacher workshop. He’d be able to recover some sleep over the weekend. As long as he didn’t keep staying up late playing the game. They still hadn’t finished it. On second thought, he was probably going to be tired all weekend.

“Dude, did you see what’s trending on Twitter right now?” Ned asked, sounding breathless as he plopped down on the cafeteria bench next to Peter. He didn’t know how his friend could be so energetic. He’d gotten as little sleep as he had.

“Uh no.” Peter answered, barely understandable around a mouthful of sandwich.

“Dude.” Ned’s eyebrows shot up and his eyes widened.

Peter finished swallowed the food in his mouth and since he knew it was what Ned wanted, he asked with a sigh, “What?”

Ned glanced around, trying not to be obvious about it but utterly failing. Luckily no one ever paid any attention to them.

“What?” He asked again.

“I can’t say here.” Ned whispered and Peter quirked an eyebrow at him.

“Just…check Twitter.”

Peter rolled his eyes and took another monster bite of his ham sandwich before he pulled his phone out of his pocket. He thumbed to the home screen and pressed the Twitter icon. It didn’t take him long to figure out what Ned was talking about. He set the sandwich down and gave the phone his full attention.

“Shit.” He mumbled.

“Yeah.” Ned echoed in agreement.

He scrolled through more tweets, all with the same picture on them, but with different comments. He was surprised to see even celebrities chiming in.

“Like literally everyone’s talking about it.” Ned added, and Peter glanced around. All the students in the cafeteria were huddled together in groups looking at their phones and Peter didn’t know how he’d missed the charged murmur in the air before.

“You don’t think anyone’s recognized me, do you?” Peter whispered, keeping his head down as he kept scrolling through all the tweets.

“No way.” Ned shook his head. “If they had we’d definitely know by now.”

Which was true. He’d be getting swarmed if anyone in his school had actually recognized his face in the picture that seemed to be splashed all over Twitter.

He winced at the current tweet in front of his face. ‘Is anyone really surprised Tony Stark has a secret love child? I mean I know he’s Ironman but did everyone collectively forget the 90’s? He was no saint.’

Peter couldn’t even remember when the photo could’ve been taken. It showed his back as he was about to climb into the passenger side of Tony’s Audi. Tony stood, face fully visible, about to get in the driver’s side of the car. It could’ve been any day in New York that they were out together. Thankfully the photographer had cared more about getting a good picture of Tony, so only the back of Peter’s head was visible. Again. He knew he should feel relieved about that, but he wasn’t.

He chewed the inside of his cheek. At this rate, it seemed like only a matter of time before someone unearthed a past picture of him where you could see his face. Maybe it’d be better to just fess up and get it over with sooner rather than later.

“Hey losers.” MJ interrupted his thoughts as she sat down across from them with her packed lunch and a book that looked more like some ancient tome than a piece of popular literature.

“Hey.” Peter mumbled back, eyes still glued to his phone. He ignored the crinkling as MJ unpacked her food.

“So…how’s it feel to be secretly famous?” She asked.

His head snapped up at her as she took a huge bite of her apple.

“Dude.” Ned said in reproach. “Someone could hear you.”

“Calm down.” She said with a roll of her eyes at their overreaction once she’d finished chewing. “You can’t tell it’s him.”

“Yeah but what if people start putting two and two together with Peter and the Stark internship?” Ned asked.

Shit. Peter hadn’t even thought of that.

MJ shook her head. “No one believes that’s real.” She took another nonchalant bite of her apple. Peter left his half eaten sandwich untouched on the table in front of him. His appetite had evaporated.

“That’s true.” Ned agreed.

Usually it annoyed him that his entire class thought he was a liar about the Stark internship, but at least it would work in his favor now.

“It’ll blow over.” MJ said once she finished her apple and he still hadn’t said a word, busy scrolling through Twitter on his phone.

“Maybe.” He wasn’t so sure anymore. After the first couple he could believe it, but this was the third time in the last six weeks. It seemed inevitable at this point.

“What does Mr. Stark say?” Ned asked in a whisper so soft Peter wasn’t sure if MJ could even hear him.

“Nothing yet.” Peter shrugged. His dad hadn’t so much as sent a text message.

“Maybe he doesn’t know.”

MJ scoffed.

“There’s no way he doesn’t know.” Peter said, but he decided to send him a text anyway.

Have you seen Twitter recently?

His response came back seconds later.

Shouldn’t you be studying, not twittering?

It’s called tweeting.

Don’t worry kid. We’re on it.

“He says they’re on it.” Peter mumbled.

“What does that mean?” Ned asked.

Peter shrugged. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to answer. He just didn’t know.

Even though he’d figured more pictures were inevitable, Peter had secretly hoped that picture was the last one. But of course it wasn’t, and for some reason it seemed to have opened the flood gates. More and more pictures surfaced of him with Tony. Every week there was a new one with a piece of Peter showing every time, but never enough to identify him. Each one came with more speculation, which meant more anxiety for Peter and stress for Tony, who’d become more and more short tempered as the weeks of close calls dragged on.

“I don’t care. Don’t we own most of that newspaper? Yeah? So explain to me how the hell that photo got run.” Tony snapped, voice progressively getting louder. “You don’t know? Isn’t it your job to know?”

Peter watched from the couch as his dad paced with his phone pressed against his ear.

“Yeah? You’re sorry?” Tony had a pinched expression on his face that meant he was probably fighting another headache. “You bet you’re sorry. You’re fired.”

Tony hung up and closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. Definitely a headache.

“Did you really just fire that guy?” Peter asked, feeling sorry for whoever had been on the other end of that call.

“Since he didn’t do his one and only job? Yes.” Tony responded in a no nonsense way.

Peter felt bad for the guy, but he knew his dad well enough to know when he’d be open to discussing something and when he wouldn’t. This was definitely the latter.

Tony gave his head a small shake before walking to the kitchen to pour a cup of coffee from the pot. His third of the afternoon. Peter was keeping count.

Peter turned back to the TV but the show couldn’t keep his interest for more than a few seconds. He turned it off with a sigh and made his way into the kitchen, taking a seat at one of the stools along the counter. He chewed on his bottom lip as his dad’s eyes narrowed at him.

“What?”

“I’ve just been thinking.” Peter said hesitantly.

“Uh huh. Care to share with the class?” Tony prompted after he took a long sip of his coffee.

“Maybe we should just tell people.” Peter suggested.

“No.” His dad answered instantly and definitively.

“You didn’t even think about it.”

“Because I don’t have to. It’s a bad idea.”

“Why? We both know they’re going to figure it out eventually, and don’t you miss being able to do things together?”

“Wanting to go out and get pizza together is not a good reason to blow your identity, trust me. And we don’t know they’re going to figure it out. It’s been almost three months already and they still don’t know who you are, and that means they probably never will, which is how I’d like to keep it.”

“But why? Do you really never want anyone to know I’m your son?” Peter tried to keep the slight hurt he felt out of his voice, but his dad’s face fell all the same.

“That’s not it at all.”

“Then what is it?”

“You have no idea how bad it will be for you if the public finds out who you are.”

Peter made a face at that. “How bad could it really be?”

Tony’s eyebrows practically flew to his hairline. “How bad could it be? How bad?”

He hated when his dad repeated things. It meant he’d reached the point where he was going to rant and once that happened, it was game over.

Tony set his coffee cup down on the counter and held up a finger. “First, the privacy you love so much? Gone. And not just for a week or a month or two. Forever. Every time you step foot in public you’ll be hounded by the paparazzi and by every average joe on the street.”

Tony paused a second to let that sink in.

“Sounds fun huh? But that’s not all. No, I’m just getting started. Second, I have enemies. And not just average enemies. Powerful ones. Remember Ross?”

Peter couldn’t hold his dad’s gaze at that.

“Exactly. You starting to get it now? Some people would stop at nothing to hurt me and with your identity compromised, you’d be an easy target.”

Peter’s head snapped back up and he frowned in offense. “No I wouldn’t. I’m Spiderman.”

“That didn’t stop Ross.”

“But Ross knew I was Spiderman.” He argued. Some random person would’ve never stood a chance of kidnapping him.

“Exactly.” Tony said with an intensity Peter hadn’t seen from him in awhile. “And how did he know? Because he found out you were important to me, so he watched you like a hawk, and it didn’t take him too long to put two and two together.”

Peter inhaled sharply at that. He hadn’t even considered the risk to his superhero secret identity if he was outed as Tony’s son. He’d taken his ability to go back out as Spiderman for granted over the past month after his dad had finally relented on his punishment.

“People already know Ironman and Spiderman are close. If they found out about you, what are the odds someone would figure it out? It wouldn’t be that big of a leap, and it only takes one smart ass with a big mouth looking for a quick buck for the entire world to know. So outing you as my son carries the risk of eventually outing your superhero identity. Understand?”

Peter swallowed hard and nodded, feeling appropriately chastised. Spiderman had enemies of his own, and even though most of the people he was close to were superheroes, he still had his friends. They didn’t have any powers. They were weaknesses Spiderman’s enemies could exploit.

Tony let out a heavy sigh and dropped his head, rubbing his forehead. “I don’t want to scare you. I just want you to understand why it’s so important to keep your identity as my kid a secret. Being a Stark is hard enough without the superhero aspect. Add that to it, and it’s even harder.”

“You would know.” Peter tried to joke, giving his dad a thin smile.

Tony scoffed and shook his head in exasperation, but he returned the smile. “I do. So trust me when I say it’s absolutely vital that people don’t find out who you are.”

“Ok. I get it. I’ll keep being careful.” Even though it sucked. He could handle it. Tony was right. It was probably better than the alternative.

“Good.” Tony came around the counter to ruffle his hair. “You’re still my kid. You know it. And I know it. That’s all that matters. And maybe someday far far in the future when you’re much older and way more mature-”

Peter rolled his eyes at that.

“-we’ll tell the world who you are. That you’re my son and the heir to Stark Industries. But until then, we’ll keep it quiet, so there’s plenty of time for you to live a nice normal life. For a masked vigilante anyway.” Tony smirked.

“Ok. That sounds good.” Peter smiled again, trying to banish his secret doubt. His dad seemed so certain no one was going to figure out who he was, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that as nice as it would be to stay anonymous, it was only a matter of time before it all came crashing down.

#unforeseen dangers #ch 7

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nextgenfairytale · 4 years

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Arnold & Helga’s quarantine letters by Craig Bartlett

"Dear Helga, Day 33 of the quarantine. Going a little crazy. Thank goodness for Abner, who isn’t bothered, just seems glad that I’m around all day! Love, Arnold." "Dear Football Head, Imagine my surprise when Harvey delivered your letter this morning. In case you haven’t noticed, Einstein, there’s been a little invention called the smart phone, and I’m available by text. But I enjoyed writing this reply in an old-fashioned letter, because as you know I like to write, and it gives me the chance to go outside to mail it, and snoop around the neighborhood a little. So thanks for cheering me up, Hair Boy. From Helga. No, scratch that... Love Helga." "Dear Helga, Day 39, and I’m feeling it. It’s kind of an out-of-body experience. Grandma keeps telling me to Look Up, and Grandpa randomly comes upstairs to tell late-night ghost stories. Thanks for writing back, I never thought I’d miss hearing you call me Football Head, but these are strange days. I miss you. Love, Arnold. #stayhome" "Dear Football Head, I was minding my own business on some random sidewalk when Harvey stopped and pulled another letter from you out of his bag, like he’s Santa Claus now. And not like it’s any of your business, but I’m fine, stuck here with the Patakis for the duration. Olga’s acting career is on lockdown so she has to perform for us, going from Little Miss Sunshine to Mozart’s Requiem in 30 seconds flat. I’m mostly in my room, running out of stuff to read, so I was actually pretty glad to hear from you, Arnoldo. I could use some of your blind optimism. Write me some more, okay? Love, Helga.” "Dear Helga, Day 49 since we could just go to Slausen’s and get an ice cream. I’m spending even more time in my room — Grandpa started a game of Risk downstairs and it’s gone on for days. Things are getting surreal up here. The colors keep changing. I find myself asking questions like, where did Grandma find this carpet? I finally fall asleep and dream of flying, and then Nocturnal Ned wakes me at 7:00 and I count how many days it’s been. Thanks for the song dedications, by the way, they’re always spot on. But do they always have to be “from Helga who hates you”? And thanks for writing back, I really enjoy your letters. Love, Arnold." "Dear Football Head, Harvey came to the door waving another letter from you like I’d been waiting for it or something. The nerve of that guy. I told him I’d been out, staring at clouds and trying to see shapes in them like you do, and normally I could make fun of you and call you dorkwad or yutz or paste-for-brains, but you weren’t there. So I returned to Casa Pataki, where nothing changes: Bob’s on his phone straight through dinner, Miriam stares a hole in her blender like to smoothie or not to smoothie? And if Olga reminds me to wash my dirty little hands one me time I’ll wring her scrawny neck. Back to the magnificent solace of my room where I can write you back, as you requested. So don’t say I never did anything for you, Hair Boy. And please write back. Love, Helga." "Dear Helga, Day 58 of this thing. How could the days go by so fast and then just stand there? I’m in my room trying to make the walls go away. When I fall asleep, all I do is dream. I know it’s boring to read about other people’s dreams, but I had a dream about you. You were trying to tell me something, but I couldn’t hear what you were saying. You were smiling, though, so it was something good. I went out walking today, and Harvey asked me if I had any mail for him. I said, isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? I think he’s on to us, Helga. But please write back. Love, Arnold." "Dear Football Head, you’re right about Harvey. He came sauntering up, made a big show of going through his bag looking for your letter, humming some stinkin’ love song. I told him I don’t have all day, what does he think, I just pace around in front of the house waiting to hear about a certain Hair-Boy’s dumb dreams? And speaking of which, I’ve been having some doozies. Last night you came out of this spooky fog and I was trying to tell you something important, and you turned into Arnie. Then I realized that I was a monkey. Well, a monkey-girl. Anyway it’s nice to get these letters. I don’t mind reading about your dreams as long as they’re about me. Keep it up, Arnoldo. Dream about the day we can go out for ice cream. I’ve got a thing or two I’d like to say over a banana split. Which you are paying for, Bucko. Just kidding, we can split it. Love, Helga." "Dear Helga, Day 70 of this craziness. I tried sleeping on my couch to see if I would maybe dream less, but nope. Here’s one: we were up in Mighty Pete, and you said follow me down, Arnoldo, and then you were gone, and then the whole tree was gone. I was a little gloomy at breakfast, probably because it was chickpea pancakes (Dad’s still grinding his own flour substitutes). Grandma and Grandpa tried to cheer me up, but you know what? All I wanted was another letter from you. I went down to wait for Harvey, and he comes dancing up, and even with his mask on he was singing, “You’ll never find... someone who cares about you! Like sheeee does” and I’m like “C’mon Harvey, just give me the letter please.” Anyway thanks for writing back. These letters are giving me life. And yes, I will love to meet you at Slausen’s for a banana split, and I don’t care who pays. That will be a great day. Love, Arnold." "Dear Football Head, Ha! Think you’re dreaming a lot? Even if I tell you just my dreams that you starred in I’ll be writing letters for years, or at least till this quarantine is over. Okay, last night I fell asleep reading Ulysses, which always puts me right out, and then I was wandering in that Dali painting with all the melted clocks. And I’m yelling, okay I know time seems to be stretching these days but this is ridiculous! And then you float up in adorable cherub mode. I call out, “Hey! Arnoldo! When will the quarantine end?” And you say, “I know you want to come up, Helga, but we have to wait until Mayor Dixie says it’s okay.” And then I run and run up a bunch of stairs and into my room and slam the door, and then I notice it’s YOUR room! Heh-heh, not like I know what the inside of your room looks like, Hair Boy. Anyway thanks for writing. Harvey brought your latest and I practically tackled him to get it. I think he’s enjoying being the lockdown mailman a little too much. More dreams, please! Love, Helga." "Dear Helga, Day 82 and now we have a curfew on top of a quarantine, which is like stay home squared. I’m dreaming of the day we get our city back. Speaking of which, last night I dreamed you were a 100-foot tall giant running across our neighborhood, and I was trying to catch you, and realized I was a giant too, and was immediately terrified I was gonna step on someone. I hear a crunching sound and then a tiny car alarm and I yell, “Helga! Slow down, we’re gonna knock down the neighborhood!” And you turn around and grab the top off a building and say “Don’t worry Arnoldo, it’s cake!” And I can see it’s chocolate, with candles on it. And I’m, “But your birthday was the end of March!” And you’re all pleased, “Arnold! You remembered!” And then you explain how time is all stretchy these days so March, June, who cares? “I say it’s my birthday, Football Head.” And then you throw the cake at me and now it’s a food fight, and I wake up to the smell of Dad burning a cake made out of what turns out to be Amaranth flour, whatever that is. So happy birthday, Helga! I miss you. A lot. Write back, please. Love, Arnold." "Dear Football Head, I was out at my little spot where I like to, y’know, think, and Harvey came sauntering up like he knew I’d be there. “No letter today, Helga, but you won’t believe whose door I saw open. Slausen’s!” And my eyes bug and I say, “Hey! You’re supposed to DELIVER my mail, not read it!” And he starts dancing really annoyingly, “It’s gonna open, Mayor Dixie’s gonna call it! Soon!” And off he goes, singing “Someone who cares about you! Like heeee does!” I, uh, assume he’s referring to you, Arnoldo? Heh-heh. So I mosey home and wake Big Bob up and make him drive me over there. And Harvey wasn’t kidding, the lights are on and the sign on the door says opening soon, just waiting for Dixie to announce the next phase of opening the city! “Soon,” Hair Boy! Soon!! Are we still on for splitting that banana split? I await your reply very calmly. Love, Helga."

"Dear Helga, I just saw Mayor Dixie make the announcement on TV. Phase one of opening the city starts on Saturday! Restaurants can open! That means Slausen’s! I yelped them, they’re gonna open Saturday at noon! I’ll make this letter short — I ran up to the roof and I could see Harvey coming down the block! He waved, though, something tells me he’ll wait. Now I’m tearing up my room looking for a stamp. Okay! See you Saturday? Noon? Slausen’s! Banana split! Love, Arnold."

"Dear Arnold, The Rockies may crumble, Gibraltar may tumble, They’re only made of clay. But come Hell or high tide, Headless Cabbie or Ghost Bride, I will meet you on Saturday. Love, Helga."

#hey arnold #shortaki #helga x arnold #arnold x helga #helga pataki #arnold shortman #arnold and helga

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emilyplaysotome · 4 years

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The Game of Love - Chapter 1

Since I have a bad tendency to obsess over what I write until I give up on it, I’m posting the first chapter of something new I’ve been dabbling with. Think of it like an original Down the Voltage Rabbit Hole, without the characters you know.

Meeting someone special is hard for anyone, but more so when you’re famous.

I can’t tell you when it was that I went from being Hana to being Hana on a billboard, but it happened slowly enough that I went from eating virtually unnoticed at a restaurant to being bombarded with selfie requests during the short time I picked up my food. I suppose that being one of the youngest women to ever win a Grand Slam will force you into the spotlight, but I’ve never thought of myself as a superstar.

The goal had always been to win gold at the Olympics.

Maybe Roland Garros.

And Wimbledon.

The U.S. and Australian Open if I was lucky.

They never told me that if you win the Australian Open and then manage to win the others in the same year, the world goes mad. They never told me that Nike, Adidas, and Reebok fall all over themselves trying to get you to agree to let them put out the “Hana shoe” and you go from being a struggling journeywoman on the tour to being richer than you ever could have imagined, thanks mostly to your team who milks you for every free moment when you’re not on the court.

You learn how to wear dresses and talk on camera and carry the weight of what it means to be a champion, constantly looking over your shoulder at the younger, hungrier crowd behind you that works twice as hard and trains harder because they don’t need to be on Good Morning America when you do. Your identity becomes “Hana the Tennis Champion” and you forget who you were when you were just “Hana, the girl who loves tennis” – hitting balls after dinner with dad on the courts by your house or joking around with the girls on the junior tour.

Those girls become competition, and your friendship is forced to change despite wanting it to be the way it was when things were simpler. They are nice and you love them, but the feelings are complicated and you forget what it means to have friends who see you as you are. There is always a commitment, a show, a movie, a project, a product – even during the off season, and of course, there’s the training.

You’re grateful to be successful doing what you love, but you know it can’t last forever and one day you decide you want to go out on top and announce that you’re done with the game that up until this point has been your entire life.

And you’re only 32.

I’m only 32.

The day after I retired I woke up as Hana, for the first time in 20 years. I suppose it’s out of habit that I still wake up at 7 A.M. and go for a run, but it’s been a few months and not much has changed.

My mom suggested I get a therapist.

That this major transition would be hard on anyone, but even harder on a prodigy who has been used to a regimented training schedule since she was 11.

I laughed it off, but after a couple of weeks I could feel the unease nagging at me, mocking me, asking me, “Who is Hana if there is no tennis?”

My therapist says a lot of high achieving people struggle with their self-worth outside of their profession. She challenged me to reconnect with friends I’d made at all stages of my life and I learned that being great at one thing left little time for love, creativity, music, and hobbies.

I also learned that I didn’t make many friends in my 32 years since I was too focused, too dialed in to waste time on anything outside of the goal. To be the best in the world I had taken on the mentality that everything outside of my goal was superfluous, but now I struggle to make it through the day.

“Who is Hana if there is no tennis?”

“I am…I am…”

“What are you feeling Hana?” my therapist asks.

“Scared. Confused. Angry. Lost.”

I’d had this rosy image of retirement, where I’d leisurely wake up next to a partner and make breakfast for us. Not just any partner if I’m being honest…him.

“I wake up at 7 A.M. and run 5 miles,” I find myself saying. “Then I make a breakfast smoothie. And then I remember that I don’t have anywhere to be and the depression takes over.”

“Have you been doing interviews?”

I shrug, “Not as many. They asked me to do commentary for the U.S. Open this year and I said I’d think about it.”

“What is your hesitation?”

I pause, thinking about what it would be like to live a tournament without participating in it. To see and comment on someone’s legacy that wasn’t my own. To one day have to announce that I’d been dethroned in my achievements and smile as if it didn’t bother me, when I’d probably just wonder if I’d retired too early.

“I never wanted to be on television. And I want to be able to answer the question who Hana is if there is no tennis.”

“It sounds like this time is providing you with a beautiful gift – to explore that question and your interests without limitations.”

She’s right, and I feel guilty for pitying myself when I have the freedom to do and go wherever I want. I let out a caustic chuckle and say, “I want to live in my games.”

“The ones you used to play on the road?”

I nod, wondering how serious she thinks I am and wondering if the statement is a joke at all.

“Why do you think you like them so much?”

“It’s fun to be someone who isn’t Hana. And it’s fun to fall in love.”

“Has Hana ever been in love?”

I think for a minute and nod.

“But you knew that, didn’t you?” I ask.

She shrugs and pushes her glasses up.

“I’m asking Hana the person, not Hana the superstar.”

“But our breakup was all over the tabloids…”

“Our time together is about you, not what’s in a tabloid.”

“Superstars have to date superstars. It’s like a law,” I say laughing. “What would Instagram think if I gave them anything other than aspirational?”

I’m lying but I can’t help myself, even in therapy my pride gets in the way of being honest. Dating him was never about appearances, at least, it wasn’t for me.

“Tell me about him.”

Eight years of memories flash in my mind, 22 to 30.

“We met after I won my first major. His movie premiere had him in Australia and he got tickets to the final. We ended up at an after party together and he gave me his number. It was good until it wasn’t and then he broke up with me.”

“That’s a very condensed version.”

I shrug again, feeling bitter that he seems to have moved on just fine and I haven’t dated anyone despite the rumors that pop up from time to time. I don’t feel like talking about how I kept pushing for us to move forward, with a vision for my retirement and life with him as he kept pushing for me to stay on the road. I don’t feel like talking about how much of our time was spent apart and how I suspected he preferred things that way.

That it was better to have a girlfriend too busy to take up more than an hour of his day on a regular basis than a girlfriend who could be present the way she wanted to be when we were together.

A pleasant chime goes off and she silences the alarm, noting we’re out of time and asking if next week works.

“My schedule is free,” I joke, but I feel annoyed that there’s nothing but endless free time and nothing to do with it.

When I’m home I open the games I referenced in therapy – the ones I jokingly call “choose your anime romance adventure games” with my mom versus their proper designation of “otome” games, as they’re known with the fandom online that I’m a part of. It’s only when I’m online that I feel like I can momentarily answer the question that nags at me, and that’s because no one know I’m me.

HanaLovesOtome the tumblr user is popular because of the screenshots she posts, not because she’s one of the most celebrated athletes of a generation.

She participates in every event and has spent an ungodly amount of money on special date stories and lottery gatcha items that put her consistently in the top ten featured users of Ikemen Inc.

She’s popular because people will ask her to purchase stories and games they can’t afford, and she’ll video record herself playing or twitch live stream the sessions so everyone can get a sense of what it’s like to fall in love with Ikemen Inc.’s most exclusive bachelors.

Even when I was on tour, I loved playing otome games because for a couple of hours I could stop thinking about my life and instead lose myself in a world overseas where I get to make choices for a protagonist whose name I’ve made my own as I decide what eligible bachelor she’ll fall in love with.

I’d found the games a year before we’d broken up, mostly by chance after seeing an ad on twitter that boasted, “The Perfect Boyfriend is in your phone - meet him now!” While normally I would have continued to scroll past, something about the caption had stopped me in my tracks. Looking back it was probably because the idea of the “perfect boyfriend” being in my phone was ironic having had such a drawn out long distance relationship in which it often felt that he only existed in my life virtually.

After entering my name for the main character I would be controlling, “Decoding His Affections” thrust me into a world that consisted of a simple illustrated background, paired with a cartoon character sprite whose various expressions matched the dialogue being said in the text box where the story played out.

While the prologue of “Decoding His Affections” was free, it ended with a prompt asking me who out of the five characters I’d just met, I wanted to get to know as my Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department partner and future perfect boyfriend. For the low price of $3.99, I could purchase one of five options and determine how my protagonist would fall in love. Depending on my dialogue selections, I was either granted a “Love Ending!” or a less desired “Happy Ending!”

Throughout the course of 13 interactive chapters, Sebastian went from being my underling, to my partner, and finally, to my boyfriend. As the protagonist with my name started to fall for Sebastian, I found myself enjoying the escape from my reality with a game “self” who always met with a positive response in love.

I soon found myself lost in a world where I could be transparent with my intentions without any fear of rejection. Sebastian clearly liked my main character back, but was conflicted about falling for a woman whose time in Tokyo had an expiration date. Even though their relationship was in a grey zone for the majority of the game, he was always warm, always loving, and most importantly, had responses that gave me butterflies as I read his poetic musings from a cold hotel room after a long day of training.

Seeing as how these games were a product of Japan, in addition to the subdued romance I also found myself getting a kick out of the cultural differences that were peppered throughout the story. Simple gestures such as the time that Sebastian grabbed her hand in order to protect her from an impending explosion, resulted in a shook inner monologue where my heroine wondered if her heart was racing from the danger, or because of the physical contact. There was something sweet about this world in which men and women shared a shyness around physical touching that was unlike anything I’d ever experienced as a Western woman. Handshakes, hugs, and even kisses on the cheek were something that happened in my life on a daily basis, yet I was suddenly living in a world via my phone where every gesture was laced with romantic subtext.

It was clear that the only thing Ikemen Inc. changed in their games was the names of their clearly Japanese love interests, in order to better appeal to a western audience. Other than that, their games remained true to their point of origin.

Looking back, our relationship was already strained with me hinting towards my expiration date and him pushing me to stay on the tour. The day I’d played my first otome game we were bickering over text about it, him convinced it would be better for both of us if I refocused on my career instead of settling down with him in his Calabasas home. As I achieved Sebastian’s coveted “Love Ending!” thanks to my carefully selected dialogue choices, I surprised myself by tearing up in which I read an ending where Sebastian confessed to me, or moreover the woman I whose life I was intermittently controlling, his undying love.

I’d felt a bit foolish at the time, having fallen prey to simple plot devices and romantic tropes, however Sebastian had done something for me that my relationship could not.

He’d managed to touch that part deep in my heart that still wanted to believe that romance was possible in this world, and more importantly, was possible for me.

In the weeks to come I found myself leaning on these games more and more as it became clear that my vision for the future did not align with his, it felt like every free second I was pouring myself into my fantasy life. By the time he ended things, I’d made way through the entire Ikemen Inc. catalogue of premium games and started to make my way into the exclusives with a higher price point, more beautifully illustrated scenes (CGs), and the Ikemen Inc. community leaderboard.

I play them a lot lately.

Maybe too much.

When I log in to my tumblr I see a message from my friend KittyGirl.

OMG Hana! Did you see they released Tyler Holland?

I saw and I played and I’m posting the full vid on twitch later ;)

…

I wonder who KittyGirl is as she types, and I wonder if she ever wonders who I am. I wonder if she would care if I was Hana the superstar or if she even follows tennis.

A lot of the girls on here don’t.

A lot of the girls on here are much younger than I am.

I wonder if it’s weird I don’t have many friends my age and that the people I feel closest to at the moment are all usernames in my feed.

STOP HANA YOURE THE BEST!

I smile because it gives me a sense of purpose and I haven’t felt that for some time.

It’s really good. He might be in my top 5 boyfriends.

NO. Really!?

Really.

Sometimes I wish that the men in my phone would come to life. That one day I would wake up and Sebastian would be there in human form, not his two-dimensional anime character form. I’ve thought about what he would look like if he were real.

Not just him.

Him and all the others I’ve dated over the years.

I wonder what it’d be like to date someone you know would never leave you.

Who could be that perfect boyfriend, or husband, or father.

It’s just as I’m thinking about this again that my phone chimes, letting me know I’ve received an email. I’m surprised to see it’s from Ikemen Inc. and that HanaLovesOtome has been invited along with the four other top Ikemen community users for an all-expenses paid, one month vacation to Ikemen’s Dream Resort.

My gut reaction is to scream, “Yes!” but then I remember I’m Hana the superstar.

What would people think if they found out?

What would the tabloids write if they saw me?

I pause.

Who is Hana if there is no tennis?

Hana is HanaLovesOtome.

And so I write an email back, deciding not to loop in my management team, and let the team at Ikemen Inc. know that I would be delighted to experience the resort. The response back is immediate and includes additional details and an NDA.

I skim the details of the agreement, relieved that I am not allowed to talk about the experience as that means no one else will and my identity as Hana the superstar will most likely be off limits to the press and send it back.

It all happens quickly and before the hour is up I’ve managed to secure my spot in the Ikemen Fan 5.

In the two weeks leading up to my departure, I no longer feel depressed or as if time stretches out in a way that makes me feel small and insignificant. I have an event to look forward to and arrangements to be made.

My therapist thinks a solo trip will be good for me and encourages me to journal and continue with the homework she’s given me outside of our sessions. My mom agrees that it will be good for me to have a real vacation which is something I haven’t had in years.

I’ve seen the world through touring but I’ve never really had time for tourism.

To that point, when I get on the plane it strikes me that this is my first time on a plane without the purpose of coming from or going to a tournament. I check two large suitcases and still bring a racquet in case I need the release of losing myself in a training session or two, despite the fact my performance no longer matters.

I wear the sunglasses I always wear to obscure my identity in first class and a wig and baseball hat and n95 mask, which always does the trip. At Narita airport, I see a man holding a sign that says “HanaLovesOtome” and I follow him to a town car that takes me two hours outside of Tokyo proper. It’s only when we pull off the main road, down a long skinny isolated one that I take off my disguise and breathe a sigh of relief that I managed not to attract the attention of any photographers or fans.

In my head I always saw Ikemen Inc. as a small developer, tucked away on a floor in a nondescript office building somewhere in Toyko.

The reality of their facilities surprised me, and we drove 15 minutes through dense woodland, past another small road with a sign indicating guest and employee parking - up to a manicured property where at the center was a sleek looking high rise. My driver stopped under the porte-cochere and helped me with my suitcases, triggering the mechanism for the large glass double doors to open which caught the attention of a man inside.

“Please, allow me to be of assistance,” he said, quickly grabbing the roller’s handles and helping me in to a spacious reception area. “I’m Roman and I run the resort division of Ikemen Inc.”

“Hana.”

There was something familiar about the way that Roman talked and the way he dressed that I couldn’t quite put my finger on as he introduced me to the woman at reception and made small talk about my trip. I engaged in the idle banter until the persistent feeling that I knew him from somewhere became so overwhelming that I finally found myself asking, “Have we met before?”

“Yes,” a female voice called out behind me.

I turned to see a girl, no older than 20 approaching us with a suitcase of her own. She wore the same expression that countless fans wore upon recognizing me as they rushed up to me and asked for a selfie except she was not looking at me, but at Roman.

“He’s Roman Hinton, from Ikemen’s Paradise Palace.”

“Ah, you’ve stayed with us in Paradise I assume?” Roman asked the girl smiling.

“Oh you have no idea,” she said dreamily, and it was then that I realized my wish of dating one of the men in my phone might come true.

That’s the end of my rough first chapter. Let me know if you want to know where we go from here and I might post more. Tagging @nitelotus since she asked to see it

#down the voltage rabbit hole #voltage fanfic #voltage games #voltage romance sims #voltage inc #mlqc #ikemen #ikemen sengoku

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dangerouscommiesubversive · 4 years

Note

C for The Toqgers, with rainbow colors please

C is for colors.

Contains spoilers for ToQger Returns, if you haven’t seen it.

Red

Right moves away, but he doesn’t stay gone.

They all agreed to stay in touch after he moved, of course, and he’d talked about catching the Rainbow Line back to see them, but none of them actually expect him to do it. He’s not always terribly reliable. But they all get to the hideout one day, and there he is, grinning at them from a tree branch.

Hikari says, “Aren’t you going to be in trouble with your mom for just...coming here?”

“Nah, I told her I’d be back for dinner.” Right’s got a massive package with him, wrapped in red fabric. “I brought bento from Wagon. She says hi!”

Pink

Everyone looks at the cake warily, and Right says, “...you made this?”

“With my mom!” Kagura beams at him. “I’ve been practicing with her. I did all the frosting myself, though.”

“I can...I can see that.” Tokacchi blinks as if he’s been blinded. The frosting is, admittedly, a violent shade of pink, so maybe none of them should have been surprised. “What...flavor is it?”

“Lemon and vanilla.” She cuts a slice, plates it, and hands it and a fork to Hikari before he can object. “Here, try it!”

She’s already cutting slices for the others when Hikari takes the first bite, and his eyes go wide. “This is delicious,” he says, mouth still mostly full. “The frosting is great.”

Mio looks at him and stifles a giggle. “It made your mouth pink, though.”

“What?” He grabs for a napkin and wipes his mouth, but a smear of pink remains on his skin.

Kagura claps her hands over his mouth. “Ohhh, I must have used the wrong food coloring.”

Orange

Tokacchi’s the first of them to get a cell phone of his own, when they’re thirteen, and he’s the really brainy one, so it’s not surprising when he figures out how to call the Appli-Changer from it. They all gather around, breathless, when he types in the strange too-long number and the ringing begins.

It’s Mio, being sensible as always, who says, “I hope he’s learned how to answer his phone by now.”

Almost before she finishes the sentence, though, there’s a little click sound and a familiar voice says, “Hello?”

All five of them burst into a chorus of greetings. Tokacchi says, “Akira! It’s us!”

“...Tokacchi? How did you call me?”

“I have a phone now! I got Conductor to give me your number. There’s a Rainbow Line app, he had to give me a password to download it. How’s Tank Top Shadow?”

There’s a long pause, and then they can hear it, they can hear him smiling a little, and he says, “It’s good to hear from all of you. He’s well, thanks. Are you, uh. Doing well in school?”

Yellow

They’re all fourteen, and Mio and Kagura are sprawled on the grass under the tree, and Mio says, “Do you ever think about that girl we met in Zawame?”

Kagura rolls over towards her and frowns. “Sometimes, why?”

“That city was really weird.”

“Yeah, it was. Those fruit smoothies we got were really good, though.”

“Yeah.” Mio sighs. “Mine had lemon in it. I feel like I can never find anything good that’s lemon-flavored.”

“I could always make you lemon cake again.“ Kagura shifts a little closer, resting her head on Mio’s arm. “And I’ll frost it bright yellow, just for you. Oh, look, that cloud looks like a lion!”

Mio squints up at it and grins. “It does, doesn’t it.”

Green

When they’re fifteen, Hikari gets into a study abroad program and spends four months in Germany. He’s excited, but they’re all stressed out about not seeing each other, and of course with the time difference it’s really hard to call. They keep up on WhatsApp, he sends the others pictures of all the places he’s visiting, but it’s not the same as hearing their voices.

One day, though he gets the urge to move his legs, and he doesn’t have schoolwork to do, so he lets his host family know he’s going out and wanders down into the town. There’s a train station near the house; it’s not historic or anything, but it’s pretty. Aimless, he wanders through, glancing at the shop windows, watching the passers-by.

And a voice says, “Hikari~~~”

He looks up in surprise. “Wagon?”

The Rainbow Line is pulled up at an empty terminal, and Wagon is leaning out the door, waving to him. “Rainbow Line European Express, boarding now!”

He gapes. “What are you doing in Germany?”

Right’s face appears under Wagon’s elbow as he leans out to wave as well. “We all finished our homework, so the others texted me and we thought we’d come visit you for lunch!”

Blue

Tokacchi’s scores on his university entrance exams are so good that he gets a letter congratulating him, but when he shows it to the others, the first thing Kagura says is, “You don’t seem happy about it.”

“Well, it’s.” He shuffles. “It’s scary, you know? We’ve mostly managed to stay together this whole time, even if Right’s not here--”

“I’m here!” Right shouts from Mio’s phone, “I’m here, just because I’m on the phone doesn’t mean I’m not here.”

“Well, ok, Right is here, we’ve managed to stay together all this time, but. This is really big. Bigger than Right moving, because we can call him, and he comes over on the train all the time. This is...all of us going in different directions. I’m going to university and Mio’s going to a different university and Hikari’s going to go to one in Hokkaido and Kagura’s staying here and Right’s got a job already...” He sighs. “Remember future us? And we were all sad?”

“Sure, but that was before we fixed things.” Mio hugs him one-armed.

Kagura leans back against his chest and looks up at him with smile and says, “And we’ll meet up every year.”

“And maybe sometimes more times a year if we need to do hero stuff,” Right says on speakerphone. “Like that time a couple of years ago with the pirates and the animal guys and that cop Kagura hugged.”

Hikari doesn’t hug him, because Hikari doesn’t hug, just sort of sidles up and leans against his side. “It’s not the end of anything. We’re still the ToQgers.”

Violet

They do meet up, the next summer, the other four piling onto the train platform waiting for the Rainbow Line to pull up because it’s the easiest way for Hikari to get to them from Hokkaido. He does arrive, finally, and then it turns out that Akira’s with him, and for a few minutes nobody can hear anything because they’re all yelling too loudly.

Eventually it quiets down, and Conductor clears his throat and says, “I should let you know that this is the last time you’ll be seeing me in this capacity. Wagon’s going to be taking over as conductor of the train.”

They all stare at him, and then Hikari says, “Let me guess. You got promoted.”

Conductor blinks. Ticket says, “How’d you know?”

#suzuki raito #haru tokashiki #natsume mio #nonomura hikari #izumi kagura #nijino akira #fanfiction #askrikkaiandhyotei

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detective-anon · 4 years

Text

gift of the jinmo

a gift for elle @minflix! I hope you will accept this humble offering as a sign of my friendship. c is the oc from tip143 (it was too challenging to write around her name).

The juicery was unusually quiet today. It was Sunday morning on a long weekend, which in a college town meant that everyone was either travelling and having fun or sleeping in and lazing around. Only sad, broke college students like Momo and her coworkers were stuck here working at seven-thirty in the morning. They’d had a handful of the regulars come in since opening—some of the athletes, a couple of the frazzled grad students who were mid-dissertation—but otherwise the shop had been mostly empty. Momo rested her chin on her folded arms, slumping over the counter where she sat next to the cash register. Even Jin, who usually took shifts with her, was off today.

Speaking of Jin…she sighed deeply.

“What’s wrong, honey?” C collapsed into a chair, dragging the mop she had been halfheartedly swiping across the floor with her. A faint wet spot began to form underneath it.

“My 100-day anniversary with Jin is coming up, and I don’t know what to get him,” she replied, forlorn. “How do you usually find gifts for Hoseok?”

C sniffed. “Well, you know Hoseok. He’s a closet hypebeast, so whenever there’s a Supreme drop I’ll try to get something for him and just save it for the next time I need to give him a gift.”

“That’s true. You always find the best-quality knockoffs. No one would ever be able to tell they’re not the real deal. I don’t know how you do it.” Both C and her boyfriend Hoseok were great at finding counterfeit luxury goods. Just last week, C had given her and Doyeon matching friendship keychains that were exact Burberry replicas. (She’d gotten really good tips the week before, she’d explained. Momo was happy for her friend but also sad that she hadn’t taken those shifts with her—those keychains had to have cost at least $20 apiece!)

“Ri-ight.” C laughed nervously. “Knockoffs…”

“Anyway,” Momo continued sadly, “I don’t think Jin really cares very much about brands. Even if he did, I don’t think I could afford any luxury items…I just paid rent and my bank account is crying.”

A sudden screech filled the air. They looked over at Jungkook, who had slipped on the puddle left by C’s mop. His eyes were wide as he scrambled upright and looked left and right to see if anyone had seen. C stifled a giggle as she went to help. “Are you alright, Kookie? Maybe you should put some ice on that.”

They disappeared into the kitchen to get ice. Momo sighed again. “I’m a bad girlfriend.”

“You’re not a bad girlfriend.”

Momo jumped, startled. Taehyung had come in from the back, where he had been washing spinach. He’d been uncharacteristically serious and quiet recently, and Momo was worried about him. Even though they bickered often, he was still one of her closest friends, and she didn’t know why he had suddenly started acting so strange.

“You’re a really good girlfriend,” he stated, jaw set. “You’re always taking care of Jin and worrying about him. I’ve never seen him so happy before.”

She paused. “I think Jin takes care of me more. He’s so thoughtful—he even takes shifts on Wednesdays so that he can bring me a smoothie when he picks me up from class on my long days. And I can’t even think of a good gift to get him for our anniversary.”

He blew out a breath and smiled wanly. “You two bring out the best in each other. I don’t think that the gift thing makes you a bad girlfriend. It just means you care enough to want to get him something meaningful.”

“Thanks, Tae. You always know how to make me feel better.” She smiled at him.

He rubbed absentmindedly at his chest. “Don’t you two have that vlog channel together? Why don’t you make him a video?”

“Hmm…that’s actually a great idea!” She gasped. “He spends so much time filming and editing for our videos, so maybe if I learn how to do it I can help him out in the future. But…he also has all the equipment. I don’t even have a camera…”

“I have a camera.” C reemerged from the back, a blank look on her face. “You can borrow it.”

Momo furrowed her brows. “I think I’d need a DSLR or something…”

“Yup, I have one.” She remained expressionless. “I needed it for…a video project. But I can borrow Hoseok’s in the meantime. Since he also…had a…video project.”

“Oh, great!” Momo replied brightly. “Do you think you could show me how to use it, too?”

“Of course,” C replied. “Did you hear that noise? I should go…check on Jungkook in the back!”

She disappeared, leaving Momo alone with Taehyung again.

Momo hesitated. “Tae, are you okay? It seems like something has been bothering you lately. You know that you can talk to me about anything, right?”

An indecipherable look came over his face before he softened. “Everything is fine. I just realized that I did something stupid with the girl I liked, and I’m trying to get over the regret.”

“With Sooyoung? Are you sure it’s not fixable?” She fretted. “It’s not like you haven’t done, er, questionably embarrassing things in front of her before. Maybe Hoseok could talk to her for you.”

He smiled. “It’s okay. I think things worked out the way they were supposed to.”

“Hi everyone! Welcome to the jinmo channel,” Momo said brightly. She and Jin both paused to wave to the camera. “Today is Saturday and we just got off of work.”

There was a loud whoop! from behind them and Jin turned the camera to get C and Hoseok in the frame. Hoseok flashed an easy grin, fiddling with the camera in his hands as C playfully punched his arm, telling him that he was too loud.

“We’re going to go on a double date with these two. Hoseok is helping us film B roll today—thanks, man!” Jin reached a fist backward and Hoseok bumped it with his own. “I didn’t know this until today, but he’s actually done some camera work before!”

Hoseok wiggled his brows. “You might say I have intimate knowledge of amateur videography.”

C made a choking sound. He turned toward her and stepped into her space, tugging her into his chest with one arm and patting her on the back with the other, laughing. She blushed after he whispered something in her ear, melting into him as he leaned down for a quick kiss.

Momo leaned closer to the camera and stuck out her tongue. “They’d be gross if they weren’t so cute together.”

“You say that like you and Jin weren’t cuddling on the streetcar on the way here!” C retorted.

“Guilty.” Jin smiled, raising their intertwined hands into frame for a few seconds. “Anyway, we’re here at the mall,” he turned the camera toward the building façade, “because Momo and I wanted to pick up a few things at MaiDo after lunch.”

“We’re getting sushi!” Momo beamed as they made their way inside.

Hoseok went to put their names on the waiting list. C linked arms with Momo, tugging her away from Jin. “Jin, can you take our OOTD photos?”

Jin let out a dramatic sigh. “Again, I don’t know why you’re always wearing couple outfits with my girlfriend.”

The girls were wearing matching fuzzy cardigans today, and despite his protests, even Jin had to admit that the two of them looked extra soft and cute. His girlfriend looked like a teddy bear, and he had to resist the urge to hug her and not let go.

“You stole her from me!” C whined, clinging closer to Momo.

Jin grumbled, but obligingly put down the camera on a nearby bench in favor of C’s phone, crouching down to take photos as they tried out various poses. C inspected the shots over Jin’s shoulder as Momo walked over to the camera and whispered, “Get you an Instagram boyfriend like that,” holding finger hearts over her eyes.

By the time C had finished editing the chosen photo, their table was ready. Momo set the camera on the ledge next to her, checking the alignment before turning her attention to the menu.

“Should we get a spicy salmon roll to share?” Jin asked.

“Wasn’t your stomach feeling weird a few days ago? Maybe we should skip the spicy…and also the raw fish.” Momo frowned. “We should get one of the baked rolls instead.”

“They’re your favorite, though,” Jin murmured back.

She shrugged, shoulder gently nudging his. “We can always get it another time.”

“Why don’t you just order separate things?” Hoseok asked, confusion evident in his tone.

“Jin always steals bites of my food anyway,” Momo explained.

“Hey! I resemble that remark.” Jin chuckled at his own joke and Momo couldn’t help but join him.

They put in their orders and made silly faces at the camera while waiting for their food to arrive. The rest of lunch passed in fun conversation and laughter, fast-forwarded in the video as an instrumental track played in the background.

After they paid the bill and left the restaurant, the four of them headed to the stationery store. Inside, they checked to make sure no one was looking before Momo skipped down the washi aisle, arms outstretched as she spun in a circle, giggling. When Jin caught up to her, they explained their mission for the day.

“When we posted my desk tour, a couple of people asked about some of the items I showed. The painting above my desk was actually a gift from C!” Momo turned to blow a kiss at C, who was trailing behind them with Hoseok. C caught it in her hand with an exaggerated motion and put it in her pocket. “Her friend Sana painted it, and I love it so much! We’ll put a link to her Instagram in the description so you can check out more of her work and support independent artists.”

“Some people also asked about the star jar on my floating shelf. That actually belongs to Jin! Whenever he has something important coming up, like a presentation or an interview, I fold some stars and add them to the jar for good luck. He had a shoot that week so I took it to fill it up.”

Jin kissed her cheek, the look on his face unbearably fond. “It went well because of you.”

Momo blushed, stammering, “I-it went well because you’re talented! Anyway, since there were a few requests for it, I’ll be making a tutorial on how to fold the stars into a rose shape like the ones in the jar, so today we’re going to buy paper for the video.”

She picked up a sheaf of letter-size patterned stationery and showed it to the camera. “For Jin’s stars, I actually use letter paper so that I can write longer messages inside before cutting them into strips. But for the tutorial, we’ll be using regular star paper. A little wider is better, because we’ll be folding them in half lengthwise.”

“You write messages inside the stars?” Jin asked. “What do they say?”

“Oh, just little things. Good luck wishes, reminders, things like that. Sometimes I write ‘remember to eat’ or ‘don’t drink too much coffee.’” She shrugged, then giggled. “I think last time I wrote one that said, ‘starfish pose: you are the most powerful person in the room.’”

Jin set the camera on a shelf facing away from them, not wanting to record the next moment.

“Thank you,” he whispered, gently pulling her into a hug. She wrapped her arms around his waist, humming as she laid her ear against his chest.

Filming picked up again with Momo holding two packs of star paper in her hands, brow furrowed as she contemplated them. Jin zoomed in to focus on each of them.

“Which one do you think is prettier?” she asked him.

“Hmm…maybe the one on the left.”

“I was thinking that, too. Okay, let’s get this one.” She held it up and waved it toward the camera, putting the other pack back on its hook. “You can buy a cute jar if you want, but I recommend reusing any glass jar you have—it’s environmentally friendly and good for your wallet! For this project, we’ll be using one of our limited edition mason jars from the juicery. We’ll be randomly selecting one of our viewers to send these stars to, so please stay tuned for the tutorial video for info on how to sign up!”

“Before we check out,” Jin said, “I want to go take a look at some pens.”

The camera zoomed in and out at the wide range of pens on display in the next aisle.

“I have a lot of trouble with writer’s block, and there seem to be two schools of thought when it comes to dealing with it: write through it or wait for it to go away. I don’t think either approach is exclusive of the other. I’ve started thinking about it like a muscle that you’ve pulled—you’ve just got to feel it out and see if you can stretch it or if you need to let it rest. And like any other muscle, when it feels fine, you should exercise it so it gets stronger.” He waved his hand dismissively. “All of that to say, I’ve taken up daily journaling recently, and I want to get some new pens.”

He wandered down the aisle, examining his choices carefully.

“Ah-ha!” He exclaimed triumphantly, holding up a package of ink refills. “This is what I wanted. Momo got me a Jigglypuff gel ink pen from Japan that I think takes this refill size. I really like the ink quality from this brand because it comes out smoothly and dries quickly. I usually write in black ink, so I’m going to get this pack instead of the assorted blue and black one.”

They window shopped for a little while longer, looking at puffy stickers, magnets, stuffed animals, and small desk planters. Momo and C squealed over the Gudetama display and pouted at the prices. Hoseok silently picked up the Gudetama plushie that C had been hugging and added it to their basket.

As they stood in line to check out, someone tapped C on the shoulder. “C-cherry? And J-Hope?”

All four of them turned around to see a tall, bashful looking guy in line behind them.

“Lucas!” C’s eyes were wide. “Uhh…how are you?”

“Oh, hey, bigho—oof!” Hoseok winced as C’s elbow made contact with his stomach. “Big guy. Good to see you again.”

“This is so cool! Sorry for last time, I didn’t realize that you two were—wow, and Jin and Momo, too! I’m such a huge fan.” He beamed.

Jin reached over to shake his hand. “You look familiar—didn’t you apply to work at Greenhouse Juicery before?”

“Ah, yeah, but the owner said she wasn’t hiring at the time.” Lucas looked at Jin’s hand in awe, holding on for a bit longer than was perhaps socially acceptable.

“Bummer, man.” Hoseok shook his head. “But I’m sure Boss Juice is also doing well.”

“Oh, you work at Boss Juice?” Momo smiled brightly at him. “That means you’re our number one competition!”

Lucas’s brain was malfunctioning. “C-cute. Yeah, uh, I work there. You should, uh, come check it out sometime. Um…can I get a photo with you all?”

“Sure!” They all huddled together and smiled as the woman behind Lucas helped them take a photo.

“Next!”

“I think that’s us.” Jin said, giving Lucas another smile. “It was nice meeting you.”

“L-likewise!” Lucas replied. “Bye!”

Once they’d gone through the checkout and stood outside, Jin remarked, “It really is weird that you’ve got this famous doppelganger couple out there. Even your names are kind of similar, I mean, J-Hope and Jung Hoseok, and Cherry and—”

“HAH-ha-ha-ha,” C’s stilted laughter interrupts his thought. “I know, right? And since we’ve been appearing on your channel, I wonder if they’re getting mistaken for us, too.”

Realization dawned, and her eyes widened with panic as she grabbed Hoseok’s sleeve. “What if people online think we’re the same people??”

“Oh my gosh!” Momo gasped. “I read a story online just like this! Someone had an evil doppelganger who went around being mean to people and running out on restaurant bills, and she had to pay their bill and got blacklisted from her favorite restaurant!”

“I’m sure we don’t look that alike.” Hoseok said, his relaxed demeanor completely at odds with his girlfriend and Momo’s growing agitation. “What are the odds? Plus, no one’s as pretty as C. Sorry, Momo.”

C blushed, and Momo grinned at her slyly. “I’ll forgive you for that only because you two are so insufferably cute.”

Jin nudged Momo. “I think you’re prettier,” he whispered.

Jin’s phone buzzed three times in rapid succession from its place on the bathroom counter as he pushed his bangs up and back, working hair wax into his roots. He examined his work with a critical eye, giving it one last swipe before turning his attention to the texts that had come in.

Momo <3: Sorry, give me 30 more minutes! I forgot to press cook on the rice cooker. >///<

Momo <3: Looking forward to dinner!! :)

Momo <3: A gift for the best boyfriend ever: https://youtu.be/5tXJDTBbYf4

Curious, he clicked on the link. It loaded an unlisted video on the jinmo channel titled “reasons to stan kim seokjin.”

Chatter filled the air as students headed out of the lecture hall. Momo stopped behind a pillar, lens aimed at the breezeway, where Jin leaned against the wall, scrolling through his phone with one hand and holding Momo’s favorite tumbler in the other.

“How dare he…” she whispered to the camera, “How dare he be so perfect? It makes me want to punch him…in the mouth…softly…with my mouth.”

She giggled. “Doyeon taught me that.”

Onscreen, Momo launched herself at him, and the scene cut to the library.

Jin was journaling, the sleeves of his sweater folded up. The camera panned to Momo’s notebook, where she had written, alongside several doodles of his name, “So handsome when he’s concentrating :(”

When the camera panned back up, the light was dimmer and Jin was asleep, resting his arm and head on top of a stack of books.

“Thank you for keeping me company even when you had a paper due yesterday,” Momo whispered. “I promise I’m actually studying.”

She moved the camera to show her neatly color-coded notes in front of her.

The cheerful interior of the juicery came next.

Momo positioned the camera on the table in front of her as she took her break. There was a long line of customers, but Jin had a smile on his face as he listened patiently to the old woman in front of him, who was having trouble reading the menu. He carefully explained all the options to her, pausing after each one to give her time to think. Namjoon came out of the back office and patted him on the back, opening up a second register.

you are so considerate TT__TT, the caption read.

Next were clips from Hoseok’s “B-roll” from their stationery date: Momo, nestled into Jin’s side on the cable car as he played with her fingers. Jin hugging Momo close at the stationery store. Their intertwined hands swinging back and forth as they walked to the train station. Momo asleep on Jin’s shoulder as he gently covered her with his jacket. Jin lifting Momo onto his back to piggyback her to her apartment.

It cut to an afternoon in Jin’s apartment.

Momo carefully hid the camera on a shelf, angling it to face the tiny kitchenette before stepping back and putting on the apron that Jin had left for her. Jin came out of the bathroom wearing the same apron. She was his sous chef today, peeling potatoes and cutting vegetables as Jin boiled chicken in a stock pot. There wasn’t enough space for both of them at the stove, so once she had finished with her tasks, she sat at the tiny kitchen table, watching as he chopped and stirred and tossed.

“Taste,” he requested softly, blowing on a spoonful of soup before extending it to her. She sipped obligingly and nodded.

“It’s really good.” She kissed his cheek. “Thank you for making lunch.”

Doyeon must have filmed the next segment with her GoPro while they were at the beach.

The three of them were longboarding on the boardwalk, heading toward the ocean. They stopped at the surf shop to rent boards and a locker. The angle shifted as the camera changed hands. Doyeon and Jin were looking out at the water, watching waves break. Jin nodded at something Doyeon said, then reached back to pull his t-shirt up and over his head.

Behind the camera, Momo sighed dreamily. “Wow…I totally have a crush on him.”

She trudged over to them and Doyeon took the camera back, hanging it around her neck.

“Ready to try this out?” Jin grinned.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Momo said.

Doyeon filmed them as they went out on the water together, Momo on Jin’s board. Once they had paddled out far enough, Jin crouched, holding his hands out for Momo’s. Shakily, she stood up with him. They managed to balance as they rode a small wave, but fell right after, laughing and sputtering as they came back up. From where she sat on her own surfboard, Doyeon yelled encouragements at them. They tried a few more times until Momo felt brave enough to try it on her own. Jin stood chest-deep in water next to her as she attempted to balance, holding the board steady when she wobbled. After some small thrills and small spills, she declared that she was ready for a break, heading back to shore. On the water, Jin and Doyeon had paddled farther out and were starting to catch bigger waves.

After a few shots of Jin doing tricks, the video cut to a view of the sun setting over the ocean.

happy 100-day anniversary!

Jin smiled, an almost unbearable warmth in his chest. He tapped back to his text thread with Momo.

On Momo’s kitchen table, her phone vibrated, playing the familiar tune of Jin’s ringtone. She wiped her hands on a dishcloth and answered the phone.

“Hey,” she said breathlessly.

“Thank you for the video. I loved it.” His voice was tender. “There’s something else I want to say to you, but I want to say it in person.”

“Me, too,” she replied quietly. The unspoken words hung warm in the air between them.

After they ate dinner and washed the dishes, Momo settled on the couch, queueing up a movie on her laptop. Beside her, Jin reached for his coat, rummaging through his pocket for something.

“I have a gift for you, too,” he said, handing her a small box.

She lifted the lid to find a folded letter (“Read that later, when I’m not in the room,” Jin requested shyly) and a delicate silver bracelet with a single envelope charm attached.

“Wow, Jin, this is so beautiful.” She breathed, tracing a careful finger across the charm. “Thank you.”

He helped her fasten it before pressing a kiss to the inside of her wrist. Tugging back his sleeve, he showed her the matching bracelet that he was wearing. “It’s not fair that C is the only one who gets to match with you all the time.”

She giggled. “She complains about Hoseok’s style, but the other day I saw her wearing those paint-splattered jeans of his that she hates so much. They’re definitely rubbing off on each other.”

Jin entwined her fingers with his. “What I wanted to say to you on the phone…I know it might be a little early in our relationship…but it feels like the right time to say it.”

He took a steadying breath in. “I love you.”

She blushed. “I love you, too.”

He pressed his smile to hers.

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1stunseeliefaelass · 4 years

Text

Darksiders Arthurian Tales Revisited

Chapter 24: Respite from the Night

Death came into the room with the tray and told her, "Good Morning. Wasn't sure what you'd like so....here you go."

Morgen glances and notices the mix of a full english, a small acaí bowl, and ful medames. She can't help but giggle, "This is.....quite the serving. I think I'm going to need a little help."

"Ehh uhhhhh....right..."

Then a knock comes at the door, "Morning everyone, how's it going...", Nergal then glances at the food and looks at Death, "Well Death, I'm impressed. Guess you expected me."

"Actually I made these for Morgen." Death tells him whilst rubbing his neck.

"And yet you have nothing for the lady to drink. How shameful Horseman."

"I am NOT a damn BUTLER." Death growls.

"And yet you wait on Morgen hand and foot."

Death growls some more before saying, "I'm doing this because I love her."

Then as Death realizes what he'd just said, Nergal chuckles, "Well well, isn't that a pleasant surprise. Hell just look at the dear lady now."

Death looks at her in full on embarrassment but sees her looking at him in a starry eyed way. She's caught off guard sure, and blushing a bit, but seems to have taken it very well. He then coughs to catch himself and tells her, "So uuuhhh food?"

"Oh uh...of course. Perhaps the little Acaí bowl over there? I can't wait to taste your take on it." Morgen replies warmly.

Death hands the bowl to her and watches keenly as she takes a bite of it. Her dazzled expression definitely helps ease his tension, "You like it then?"

"This is amazing. Well done. Might have to ask for more dishes in the future. Course I do want to thank you in some way."

"Oh that's not necessary...really..." Death says quickly with steam practically coming out of his ears.

"Just come here for a moment." Morgen tells him simply.

Death sighs and does so, only for her to gesture for him to come closer. He pulls up a chair and is confused now, "Uhm....there a reason you want me this close to you?"

"Have you eaten yourself yet?"

"Morgen I'm fine really. I made this for you anyway." Death quickly replies in growing embarrassment.

Nergal however sees what Morgen's trying to do and tells him, "Now now Horseman, all chefs taste test at least once don't they?"

Death gets even more flustered and gestures for Nergal to turn around in extreme discomfort. Nergal finally does so after pushing the chair closer, but neglects to warn Death about the mirror reflecting him and Morgen right now. With the knowledge that Nergal 'shouldn't' be watching, Death removed his mask. Course once he accepted a bite from the spoon he's suddenly surprised by a quick and gentle peck. Morgen sees him turn bright red and can't help but do so herself.

Nergal chuckles once more, "Never have I seen Death be filled with the colors of life so prominently."

"Very funny." Death mumbles after swallowing the bite in his mouth.

"Just figured I'd thank you for the meal. And make sure you remembered your promise the other day." Morgen expresses with a little embarrassment herself, as well as a hint of sweetness.

Death thinks back and recalls what he told her before fighting Leatherbeard, "Ah right well then ah...anyway uh...."

"Why don't I make you a smoothie Morgen. I hear they're quite the craze. And you do need your nutrients my dear." Nergal sighs out to Morgen.

Death sighs as well, "Ugh right....I'm sorry Morgen I'm just...caught off guard right now...I'll find the words to say...eventually...some time today...hopefully..."

Morgen gets a tad disheartened but tries not to let it show as she says, "I can wait. Just take it easy on yourself."

Nergal gets annoyed at this and figures he needs to fix this stat, "Why don't you aid me Death? Given that you seem to have a knack for cooking."

"Uhm yeah ok..." Death replies awkwardly before following him.

Once they're out of earshot Death gets a smack on the back of the head.

"Ow! What the hell?"

"That...was pathetic. Seriously. You had it and then you LOST it." Nergal expresses with great annoyance. The hell is wrong with you?"

"Says the man who said emotion was difficult at best and impossible to feel at worst."

"I meant at expressing it! And you weren't there for that conversation."

"Yes I was." Death points out.

"Whatever. My point still stands, you SUCK at talking to women. Let alone EXPRESSING yourself. Morgen is giving you so many signals and you JUST DON'T NOTICE THEM." Nergal states in annoyance.

"Hey I notice it believe me!"

"Did you notice how her tone changed slightly when telling you she could wait? How her body language drooped for only a second before she caught herself? She's hiding it, but if you're as keen as everyone says you are then I doubt you could've missed THAT."

"Well maybe the smoothie oughta save things." Death tells him a bit angrily.

"Maybe. For your sake you better hope so."

Morgen sighs to herself in the meantime and decides to wander around for a time. She's sort of lost in a daze before noticing Esmie making a fuss with the guards.

"You're sure you haven't seen my Niño?!"

"We haven't ma'am, I am sorry."

"Ah useless!"

"Easy now Esmie, what's troubling you?" Morgen asks her gently.

"My Niño Arn, he's missing and I can't find him! I've looked all over and asked everyone."

"Don't worry we'll find him. Just stay calm. Did you check his room?"

"Yes and all I found was a demented looking black sheep straight from hell!"

"Oh no.....I'll do my best to look for him. Just have faith and stay calm Esmie. I promise you I'll do everything I can." Morgen explains to her.

"Thank you Morgen, thank you."

Morgen nods, and then goes on her way. Searching around his room first. Course she catches something on the window. Upon closer inspection she finds scratch marks on the glass and wood. As well as the lock being broken. "Oh dear..."

She then opens the window and makes an effort to climb out without falling. Granted she could easily catch herself with her wings, but it was a matter of how fast she could do so. Luckily she manages to remain steady after kicking her shoes off. She's extremely careful whilst climbing around the building. Eventually finding signs of where he may have gone off too. Once she's on a stable enough ledge, she finally just chooses to fly onto the roof. Getting onto it easily after that, she looks around for Arn. Finally seeing him laying down on a flatter part of the roof. Carefully she approaches and asks him gently, "Are you alright Arn?"

Arn sees her and sighs before pulling his knees to his chest to rest his chin, "I just wanted somewhere to think."

"I see. Well a note would've sufficed you know. Your Mother is worried sick.", Morgen replied calmly before sitting down nearby.

"Probably right.", He says as he seems to just stare out over the treetops.

"I know I am, I saw her before tracking you down. In fact I told her I'd find you. Do you need anything by chance? Food does help with the thinking process."

"I'm fine just...", Arn starts to tell her. However he is unable to finish and Morgen can tell he's hiding something.

"Arn, what's wrong? I know the black sheep from last night was still running amok after my own experience. Did it by chance come across you?"

"I don't know if it was...but last night I had a dream I hadn't had in a long time.", Arn replies softly.

"Let me guess? More horrifying than usual, one that felt more real than any other?" Morgen inquires.

"Yeah...it was the night my parents died...I was so young, I was playing in a field chasing small animals. I never caught one no matter how hard i tried. I remember smelling smoke...and there was this glow nearby on the horizon. I ran towards it...I watched my parents die in a fire. And I was frozen with fear...I Couldn't Move, I JUST WATCHED!" He growled full of sorrow and pain.

"My own was Uther making an attempt to....well I'll spare you the details for your age's sake..." Morgen began to say a bit unsure.

Arn calms himself before asking, "I just...I just wish I could've saved them...I was just a pup...what could I have done?"

Morgen placed a calming hand on his shoulder, "Arn...there was nothing to be done. I wish I could've saved my own birth parents as well. I was a young girl when my Father died in battle, and my Mother died attacking Uther. I could do nothing in either situation."

"The worst part is...I can't remember their faces...I remember my father as tall and strong...and my mother...she was always smiling when she saw me. Her eyes were blue...just like mine...but...I can't remember anything else...there's not even a picture.", Arn tells her sadly.

"I could help you remember their faces if you wish. But it will take some time to figure out. Perhaps in the meantime you can go out on the town with your Mother? To get your mind off things."

"I'd be allowed to leave?" He asks after a few seconds.

"Of course. I did say that you could leave with my permission. However given that the house arrest is still in effect and that Uther remains a threat, it'd be in your best interest to return here. Perhaps I'll even come along. There's a village with a library we can visit. Hopefully it has books or scrolls on the Dream Realm."

"Ok...I have been getting tired of being stuck in these walls.", He explains getting up and stretching.

"Well let us be careful while getting down." Morgen states simply.

"I can climb easily. If you want you can hold onto my back." Arn tells her.

"I'm fine. I'm still a Fae all things considered. I have wings." Morgen explains before taking flight, "I was mostly telling you to be careful."

"I'll be fine.", Arn smirked as he started climbing down using his claws to dig into the spaces no fingers can find. His feet digging into the walls as he finally swings back through the window leading to his room.

Morgen meanwhile takes a moment as she notices her wings are now emanating a brilliant light. She could swear it's like moonlight. Course Arn's voice snaps her out of the slight trance.

"Hey! I'm waiting Mrs. Show off.", Arn says with slight snark.

"Right right. Very funny." Morgen replies before flying down, "Although my intent wasn't to show off. I just haven't noticed this glow. It's new to me."

"Perhaps those new parents of yours have some answers?" Arn questions with a shrug.

"I suppose. Though maybe your Mother Esmie may have some answers of her own for you. Depending on what questions you may have. Teens often have many I hear."

"I suppose so.", Arn mutters still saddened by the memories.

"Don't worry Arn, I'm sure this trip will be good for you." Morgen tells him with a hopeful tone.

Meanwhile Death and Nergal have nearly gotten the smoothie ready. Having to ask Gregory for help ultimately. Luckily he has a small hand wound blender of his own design. The only problem is that occasionally it jams. Due to not being reliable as a first draft if anything. When it jams yet again, Nergal takes the opportunity to talk to Death about Morgen again.

"So, what are your feelings towards Morgen? And I mean exactly?"

Death raises an eyebrow behind his mask, "This is not the place to be discussing these things. Nor is it the right time."

"Seems to be a more perfect time than any. So your feelings?"

Death rolls his eyes, "Why do you want to know so badly?"

"She is family to me remember? Why would I not want to know? Especially when you're fucking up this badly. Aspen and I have an amazing relationship, and that's saying a lot. Given my lack of feeling and expressing most emotions easily at least."

Death sighs and asks him, "By feelings, what do you mean exactly? As in my romantic feelings or how I feel about her in general?"

"Both would suffice."

Death's eye twitched briefly but he gathered himself regardless. Then he looked at Gregory, "Gregory, would you mind leaving the room or..."

"Lad I was married quite happily for many eons. For all ya know I have plenty of advice for ya too. So no I'm staying put. Besides I've got this confounded machine to meddle with." Gregory responded with a slight growl before continuing, "It would be better if it was AUTOMATIC."

"Yes but you know how technology works." Death states.

"Right right. Anyway carry on then." Gregory tells him as Nergal patiently waits for his questions' answers.

Death finally caves and explains himself, "If you're wondering so badly, yes there are definitely 'things'. Just a little worried to take those leaps for a few good reasons."

"Are you sure about that my friend?"

"Well first there's the Council. How do you think they'd feel about me seeing anyone? How they'd view me having another person I'm loyal to alongside them? What they'd do if they even suspected for a moment I could have children? Or hell if they found out I already have one?" Death questions him with increasing intensity.

"If they have any problems, they can take it up with me." Nergal tells him simply.

"And you think you can take the force that brought Heaven and Hell to their knees for a treaty? One that can do just about whatever they want or whatever they will in the name of the balance?"

"You do realize you're the only reason they have power? Without you, they have nothing. The Watchers? Please you can break those like twigs. Their other servants are either incapable or unwilling to get involved in their true dirty work. You were the best fit, and they know that very well."

"Hence why we're all kept on leashes like guard dogs." Death points out.

"How do they keep you on such short leashes? Idle threats? Empty promises? Last I checked, those never have any impact. Not enough to matter anyway."

"Try being tortured for disobedience. Being hit with a sudden pain whose source you cannot see. All you know is that pain." Death explains.

"That's it, pain? Horseman, they need to get creative. Because pain is all in the mind, as you so obviously know." Nergal tells him.

"I'm worried they'd threaten Morgen's life, or the lives of any children we may have. Sure I'm fairly certain I can't have children due to being a hybrid of two races, but I'm still open to the idea that it's possible." Death expresses.

"They threaten Morgen, they threaten their existence."

"These beings aren't like any in the universe. They don't seem to have a true physical presence and yet do. They're not just a group of standing stones that can talk. They're a powerful group of Creator ordained beings that keep order for him. I've even met a few Gods and Goddesses who fear them." Death tells him.

"And yet, they are not what you think they are. Ever hear of the Lord of Hollows?"

"Only that he is a traitor and one we should avoid. Any other information I did find to sate my curiosity was sparce at best. Could only look for so long before the Watchers felt I was looking too deep into it. I felt it wasn't worth putting my family at risk so I left it be." Death admits.

"You'd be interested that that 'greater' Demon, was in fact a chosen member of the Council. But one who got tired of it, or didn't see the point in it."

"What?!"

"You heard me Horseman. The 'divine powers' of the Council, their members, is just a bunch of Angels and Demons sitting around being bureaucratic. Trying to keep the peace as it were and failing miserably."

"CAREFUL. You have no idea how well the Council watches us with their personal slave race." Death expresses in a bit of anger.

"You know I'm right though."

"ENOUGH, the both of ya. Even I don't want to know what the Council might do if they catch us discussing this. Can we go back to Morgen now?" Gregory quickly says in a hushed tone.

"Of course. So, with this interesting revelation, why haven't you tried anything? What other reasons could you possibly have?" Nergal inquires of Death.

"LILITH....and you should know damn well why. Obviously I would NEVER want anyone I care about anywhere even remotely close to her. And I'd be DAMNED, if she EVER wanted to meet any 'Grandchildren'. However, I also know how powerful and PATIENT she is. She'll strike when I least expect it, when I'm not ready, or when I'm not even there to stop her." Death tells Nergal.

"Be glad you have me as an ally. I'll make sure she doesn't even get the idea."

"Clearly you've never met her. As one of her...victims....I can say these things with confidence. I know for a FACT that she's dangerous enough for me to worry about if I ever settle down."

"My question is how long can she take it without being able to feel pleasure from anything?" Nergal questions him.

"I...wouldn't know. I was the only one who suffered during my imprisonment by her. She ENJOYED it. EVERY. SINGLE. MOMENT."

"You don't know how effective I am. She may be masochist yes, but what if that couldn't fulfill her? You have no idea how effective my capabilities are."

"She beds with Hell's most powerful and insane demons. Lucifer being the most common name thrown around. Any damage you do, would most likely be undone. And you can't undo a mind that's already broken beyond all points of repair. His is a mind NO ONE should enter." Death states.

"Yeesh talk about being a stubborn one. Is it because Crom's inside your head?"

"How'd you..?"

"I can sense him, and I see him occasionally. In your shadow on the wall, in any reflective surfaces you pass. I know your nightmares, hell I may have constructed a few of them. But nevermind on that."

Death stutters, "I...I.."

"If you're worried about Lilith, I can make it so that she can never find you. Not unless you're standing right in front of her. And that is the only way she can find you. And before you say anything about powerful demons, I make them look like cockroaches in my true form. So how about that?"

Death actually feels Crom at the edge of his mind now and quickly vacates the area. Finding an empty room to contain himself and keep Crom at bay. Crom however isn't giving up so easily. In fact just as Nergal catches up with Gregory close behind, Death's neck suddenly twists to the side slightly. Not enough to snap, but it definitely looks painful. He starts to snicker a bit, then begins laughing maniacally. Finally Death is then turned around to face Nergal. In Death's voice Crom tells him,

"Foolish child of Dreams and Nightmare....you truly think your threats mean anything to me? I am just as in control as Death is. And he knows it. You can only contain me for so long. I am a TRUE GOD. You....are NOTHING but the misshapen thought of a deity who got bored. A MISTAKE born with no love given to you, no care g-gah!"

Nergal has grabbed Death's throat, and Crom's within Death's mind, "And you are a pathetic worm, that is pretending to be something grand. You're calling me misshapen, hmhmhmhm...then what happened to your eye? Why does your name literally mean 'twisted one'? Why is it so easy to silence you? Hahahahahaha...heeh...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! UHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Crom just tells him in a strained voice, "You....aren't just choking me...you know...."

Suddenly Death's eyes go from green to their usual firey orange and he begins actually trying to get out of the hold on his neck. Only for Nergal to drop him, leaving Death coughing on the floor.

"I...*cough*..would've..*cough* *cough*..handled it...*cough* *cough* *cough*....if you left me alone..." Death expresses to Nergal and Gregory both in the middle of his cough attack.

"For fuck's sake are ya alright lad?" Gregory asks him in concern.

"Sorry, got a bit carried away." Nergal explains simply with little care at all.

Death continues coughing for a time as he gasps for air. Gregory just looks at Nergal, "Carried away?! YA COULD'VE KILLED HIM DOING THAT!"

"Sorry, I have a very bad habit of forgetting how fragile you mortals are." Nergal states in an unamused tone.

Death is about to say something but begins retching. Gregory watches him in even more concern as he begins dry heaving as well. Finally Death pukes up what seems like water and a few worms, somehow. Nergal is only confused and looks at his hand, "I'm not THAT bad at managing my strength am I?"

Death is shaking badly after that forced vomiting, even a bit dazed. He does manage to tell Nergal however, "This....wasn't you....It's a message..."

"Of course it is, ugh. I'll go get Mina." Nergal replies in that same tone.

Gregory just brushes him off this time and helps try and get Death on his feet. Or at least off the floor. "Ok easy there lad, easy now....there."

Death leans back in the chair he's now sitting on. Working to get out of the dazed state he's in. He does however thank Gregory at least, "Thank you....and sorry for....you seeing that...."

"No problem. Now let's get this smoothie going. Once yer rested up enough I'll let ya deliver it. At least the kitchen isn't too far from this room. Just don't go off anywhere ya hear? Not with ya being in this state."

"Right....huuuuh." Death then laid his head back as Gregory left the room. As he took a brief rest, he heard Crom in his head, "This isn't over Death. Not by a long shot. I'll be sure you get 'attended' to later. When Nergal isn't around."

Death suddenly jolts forward as he wakes up, and his nausea kicks in again. Luckily Mina's already there mopping up. So she quickly gets him back in the chair. "Easy Death, nearly fell out there. And ya REALLY look like hell."

Death takes a moment to relax after that and hears a familiar voice as he comes out of dizziness again. Sure enough it's Morgen, smoothie in hand. Course she's also got another cup of what looks like water. "Who told you?"

"Nergal, who else? Are you feeling well?" Morgen inquired of him gently.

"I'm not ill...if that's what you mean. Just a bit worn out...if anything else." Death expresses.

"Here's some water, will you need assistance with the glass?"

"I should be fine, I think." Death tells her before sitting up in the chair slowly. He then takes the glass carefully before taking a drink.

"Just not too much, and not too fast either."

"I know I know. Believe me, but thank you for the water." Death replies.

"Glad I could help. Just take it easy on yourself today ok? I should be back tonight, hopefully before dark though." Morgen calmly tells him.

"Wait what? You're going out?"

"Well yes. Seems Arn had a bad experience with the Black Sheep last night. So I figured I'd make it up to him and his Mother by letting them head out today. Although I'm also going to watch them and hopefully find anything on Dream Realm magic." Morgen explains.

"What happened to wanting nothing to do with the realm?"

Morgen sighs before saying, "I meant the realm itself. I can't exactly just not use the magic. It's going to manifest in other ways I'm sure. So I better find ways to use it more effectively."

"I should go with you then."

"No, you need to rest for today after what happened." Morgen insists.

"I can't let you leave alone. I need to make sure you're safe. Besides, Barrcus would expect nothing less of me surely." Death protests.

"I'm sure he'd understand this situation."

Death groaned, "Yeah, but I don't want to risk anything. Cause if something does happen Barrcus is gonna leave me somewhere t.....nevermind. Either way, I'll recover fine and I'm going."

Morgen sighed before saying, "Very well, since you're being a stubborn mule. Don't say I didn't warn you though."

"Right."

Morgen then goes off to find Arn and Esmie. Death meanwhile works to get ready as best he can. He leans against anything he can to help himself stay upright, making sure he can walk fine before going on out. Death of course is relieved when seeing Crom's leaving him be now. So he goes on as normal, continuing to drink a bit of water. Fuzzball spots and follows him a bit concerned.

Death assures him though, "I'm fine Fuzzball. Just had a troubled start to the day. Nothing more."

Fuzzball cocks his head a bit unsure but gives him a snuggle anyway.

He continues to follow Death, but he tells the furry critter, "I'll be heading out, and I want you to stay here please. I have enough to worry about today."

Fuzzball whines in protest but Death shakes his head, "Nope, not gonna cave this time."

Fuzzball then brings out the puppy eyes, only to get water poured on him, "No, you're not pulling that on me."

Fuzzball shakes off the water and stamps his little foot in a pouty matter.

"Why are you being so adamant?"

Course War then asks him, "Don't you usually take him on walks sometimes?"

"He's not a dog."

"Even you have said he acts like one."

"You also train him to be like one." War states.

"I am not taking him out on a walk."

"Mmhmm right." War tells him.

"I am AM NOT TAKING....ugh....I can't believe I'm actually doing this. Come on Fuzzball." Death grumbles out to Fuzzball's delight. War can't help but laugh when seeing Death pull out a leash and collar from his inventory crystal.

"Why am I not surprised?"

"Shut. Up." Death says to him.

"You need to learn when to say no to him."

"That's the problem, I have. In fact you were the one hinting that I should do it anyway so there." Death retorts.

Nergal actually comes across them at this moment, "Ah good to see you up again Horseman. I was hoping that earlier wasn't too drai...ning.....uhm...what's with the leash?"

"Ugh my brother War nagged me until I agreed to walk Fuzzball. Since the little bugger wants to come along today."

"Wait....where are you going today? Personally and professionally if you ask me I'd suggest you stay at rest today after...."

"I'm fine. Just need to keep an eye on Morgen whilst she's out with Arn and Esmie. Apparently the sheep from Verdak is still running around and it got ahold of the kid." Death quickly states before Nergal can finish.

"Right. Well even as sure as you are I'm still not convinced. I'm going as well. Need to go check on Aspen anyway, so what better day to do so."

Death grumbles again, "Alright. I'll meet you outside with the others."

Course War stops Nergal, "What's he hiding this time? This wouldn't be the first time he's done this."

"Crom."

War's eyes widen, "I had thought we taught that MISERABLE WORM a lesson last time. That he wouldn't bother Death again. Rrrgh. Please tell me what else happened."

"I may have choked out your brother."

"WHY DID YOU CHOKE HIM OUT?!"

"Let's just say Crom said a few things that put him in my crosshairs. That and he was unfortunately using Death's body to achieve this. Oh! And after Crom depossessed him, Death threw up a mixture of water and a few worms." Nergal replies nonchalantly.

War thinks back a bit, remembering just how bad the possessions could get whenever Crom would take over. The things that would be said, things Death would apologize for despite not having been the one to say them truly. How many nightmares Death had over such incidents. "Keep an eye on him. If Crom is gunning for Death again, things may only get worse from here. Crom, as impulsive as he is sometimes, can be very patient as well. Not to mention extremely devious and maddening."

"If Crom starts to throw a hissy fit..." Nergal begins as his third eye reveals itself, "...I believe I can handle it. Thoroughly. Don't worry, your brother won't be tormented easily. And certainly not without a fight."

"Thank you. I'll go alert the other two to be mindful of it as well. Strife would have my head if I didn't." War explains before walking off, hoping for the best.

"We can't have that now can we?" Nergal questions simply before walking off as well.

Death has meanwhile gotten outside and notices just how bright it is real quick. Eventually his eyes adjust and he heads over to where Morgen and the others are. Vortigern has fashioned a simple carriage together with Titania's help, but he's also unsure of the trip.

"Morgen are you certain about this?"

"I'll be fine Uncle. I'm not alone and I'll be certain to contact you if anything goes wrong. Don't worry." Morgen tells him.

"Well at least go in cloaks. That way you're at least covered in some capacity. In case Uther tries anything, or if his men should recognize you. I suggest the same for all of you in fact."

"Well thanks for the recommendation señor." Esmie tells Vortigern simply.

Arn only nods before taking cloaks for him and his Mother. They're simple, but still well made. Morgen gets hers on just as they get inside the carriage. Death comes up and helps her tie it off, not thinking too much of it.

"Here, that help?"

"A bit. Thank you." Morgen tells him before scooping up Fuzzball. She then takes him inside before Death summons a cloak of his own from his inventory. With that he enters the carriage with her. Luckily it's big enough for more than four people despite being simple on the outside.

Death actually asks Morgen about it as Nergal comes over, "So, how is it that the inside is bigger than the outside? An enchantment perhaps?"

"Yes actually. All carriages within Titania's home, even the simple ones, are built with enchantments to accommodate a larger group than just four. Fae do enjoy company, whether Seelie or Unseelie. Some just prefer it for attending parties while others just gather up and chit chat." Morgen explains to him.

"This would be amazing for me and the girls back home. You must teach me that spell Morgen." Esmie implores of her.

"Don't worry Esmie, I'll ask Titania about it for sure." Morgen promises her.

With that Nergal got in with them and figured since he wasn't known he'd be better off not bothering to hide himself in a cloak. Despite the others pointing it out to him that he probably should just in case. Nergal only points out his horns though, which shuts down further attempts to convince him. Morgen takes the time to observe out the window as a guard drives them to their destination. Death took a moment to admire Morgen's peaceful look before glancing at a map she'd marked. He noticed a token on the map was enchanted to move along the road they were traveling on. He was a bit impressed but then noticed they were heading into the Seelie Kingdom. Granted it was only a village just past the border, but it was enough to concern him. Morgen noticed how the scenery of the Unseelie Kingdom slowly began to shift into that of the Seelie Kingdom. How the wildlife began to become more noticeable as well. She enjoyed the beauty of the Seelie Kingdom, and had missed it admittedly. Course she knew she couldn't remain in the realm for long on this visit. Not with Uther or any loyalists of his lurking about. Luckily the guard was dressed as an ordinary driver for the trip. Though he was quite fidgety with his armor under the clothes. Nergal decided he'd keep his eye on him, having been watching the man for a bit. Arn's attention was to a knife of his, he was noticing it seemed a bit dull. With that he began to sharpen it, having a stone for the job. Death's concentration on the map immediately ceased upon hearing the sound of stone against a blade. Esmie's ears perked to and fro in the meanwhile as she observed Arn in his efforts. Death tries to tolerate it for a time, but knows there are far better ways to sharpen a blade than using a stone.

"Would you like me to teach you a way to sharpen a blade a bit more efficiently?" He finally asks the boy.

Nergal sighs with relief as Arn questions Death, "Why?"

"Simple, I know a way that's faster but also more effective. Not to mention not as grating on the ears. It was actually a method I learned from my friend Bardak." Death informs him.

Arn decides to let Death show him the method he knows, "Fine. But only because Bardak told you about it."

"First you take this whetstone, and you stick it in a bucket. Wait until all the bubbles in bucket cease. Once they've ceased, then you pull out you whetstone and sharpen your blade." Death tells him.

Death then shows him how to sharpen the blade. Flipping and scraping it against the back of his hand as if it were a butter knife. Granted he does point out to Arn that it's currently not sharp enough to cut him before doing that. With that Death finds a bucket for him from his inventory crystal. Morgen notices what's going on and uses her magic to gather moisture in the air where she can. With this she places it into the bucket they've got and Death has Arn place the whetstone into the bucket. The whetstone also being from his crystal. Eventually Arn sees the bubbles stop and pulls the whetstone out. Death then watches him keenly and helps where it's needed as Arn sharpens his dagger.

Eventually Arn gets it sharpened and is amazed. "Thank you."

"No problem." Death tells him.

With that Arn sheaths his blade before asking him, "Where can I find a whetstone? For sale I mean?"

"There may be one in the village. So long as there's a smith at least." Death tells him simply.

"Ah."

Morgen meanwhile looks inside a secret compartment of the carriage and finds little spherical capsules. She takes one of them and pops it open with a squeeze of her hand. From there magical energy forms into a bowl with some food. Simple pastries for the road. She takes one for herself and begins to partake whilst everyone is looking at her weird.

"What?"

"Explain how that's possible." Death tells her.

Nergal however does just that, "Probably prepared the food ahead of time, shrunk it down, gave it a presentation spell, and placed it inside the capsule for later use. Simple as that."

"Oh...right." Death says feeling a slight bit dumb right now.

Esmie is just amazed all together whilst Arn just looks at the food.

"Well feel free to partake yourselves everyone. We may be in here for a few hours at least." Morgen tells them.

With that Arn grabs a pastry and eats up. Death does too, if mainly out of curiosity about the taste. He's pleasantly surprised, but does prefer sweets of either his own making, or his Ceise's.

"Not bad, not bad."

"Guessing you prefer your Mother's cooking when it comes to pastries?" Morgen inquires curiously.

"Not just pastries, sweets in general. She makes amazing desserts, my favorites being any pies she makes. Course I do pride myself on my own cooking too whenever I have the time. But that's a conversation for another time heheh..." Death says a bit embarrassed.

"Ah come on, you could stand to boast about knowing how to cook. Especially if it's actually good food. Some women like that you know." Nergal tells him.

Death groans a bit as Morgen states, "If it helps Death, I did enjoy the breakfast you made. Made sure to sample each dish at least once when you headed off from my room. They were delightful."

Death rubbed his neck as he became more embarrassed, "Eheheheh...glad you enjoyed it."

"Aw don't be so embarrassed, Nergal's right you know señor. Women love a man who can cook an amazing meal." Esmie pipes up.

"I'll bet though that you can do better than him Mama. Your food is always the best." Arn tells her.

"Awwwwwww, thank you niño."

"Anyway what's your favorite food Nergal?" Death inquires trying to pass the time and change the subject slightly.

"Hmmm...I don't really have a favorite."

"Ah fair enough I guess. Reminds me of Harker actually. Granted he does have a favorite food, but he doesn't necessarily use what we consider food for sustenance. If anything what we eat is all junk food for him." Death says simply.

"Ah I see. As for me, I'd say anything with a fragrant taste to it or citrus. Usually dishes involving with exotic fruits or vegetables tend to be amazing for me. Although occasionally I'll partake of meat as well." Morgen explains.

Death smirks behind his mask, "Well then, I'll keep this mind next time I cook for you."

Morgen smiles at that and says, "Awwww, how sweet of you."

Nergal was actually highly annoyed with that sudden move. At the same time though, he couldn't help but wonder if Death just ran on wild card logic. His best actions in romance coming from seemingly out of nowhere.

Arn shook his head, "Get a room already."

#Darksiders Fandom #Darksiders Fanfics #Darksiders OCs #Darksiders Arthurian Tales Revisited #Death #War

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darcypalmer · 4 years

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Rita reveals some truths that lead to a much awaited love confessions from @diegojaimechavez and Gen which leads them to a new kind of intimacy, Vex hogs the bed

After the first day of questioning, things have slowed down in the next few days. The FBI still asked to see Gen a few times for questions that came up during the questioning of Vivien and Bex, and then Al and the other US Marshalls also had their own questions and paperwork to get through, so she spent most of the time either at the US Marshall offices or in the motel room, waiting around and passing the time.

Diego was there through it all. He had his own paperwork to do and questions to answer, but as much as he could, he tried to stay close, and once they were both done for the day, he took her back to the motel and they passed the time together, and she couldn't have been more grateful for him.

Today was the first day when Diego wasn't actually around. He decided to go back to Sunnymead and pack up both his and her apartment. She told him the only two things she really cared about were Vex and her glasses, and maybe some clothes so she would have some change of clothes around, but even though her apartment wasn't empty, it also wasn't full of personal belongings that she really grew attached to. She organized the place in case somebody would need to come upstairs, so they wouldn't see it empty and unfinished at first glance, but none of it really mattered.

He dropped her off at the offices in case they needed her for anything and then he took off, so Gen has been hanging around the offices, quietly trying to stay out of everyone's way when she noticed Rita coming in and maybe it was childish, but she immediately ducked down, hoping Rita wouldn't notice her. It was probably a miscommunication on Diego and Rita's part that she showed up on the day he wasn't around - that, or she was planning on sticking around anyway and Gen would be spending her night alone from this point forward. Something she expected to happen sooner or later, of course she did, but still she just not wanted to talk to Rita in that moment and have to face just how amazing the woman was once again.

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Rita came in to see Al, with news on Tyler Ellis. After Diego and Al had a thorough discussion of Rita's involvement, and Al made sure to lightly chastise Diego for calling in an external consultant rather than working within the unit, Al relented and made an appointment to see Rita. She hoped she didn't look as nervous as she felt, going into the offices. Usually she was hired off the record and off the books to consult for government agencies - she justified it as being shady 'for the greater good', but somehow she felt like she wasn't just going to give her report, but she was being called into the principal's office in elementary school.

She arrived early, so Rita stopped at the coffee kiosk located in the office building, to pick up a tea and a muffin. As she waited for the tea and looked around, that was when Rita saw the other woman - Darcy Palmer. Or...her real name, but Rita knew her better as Darcy Palmer. Darcy seemed hassled and she looked exhausted; Rita got a smoothie bottle as well, then came over to her.

"Hey there," Rita said, sitting beside her. She handed Darcy the smoothie. "It's the green one, full of vitamins. You look like you haven't seen a decent meal in days. If Diego's catering food, then you definitely have not. I don't know how he manages to look like that, eating the way he does." She broke the muffin in half. "How are you holding up?"

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She tried. Maybe not as well as she could, but Gen really tried to be as noticeable as possible, but of course Rita noticed her and came over to talk to her - and even brought a smoothie for her! She didn't wanna know just how shitty and tired and drawn-out she must have looked if Rita would look at her and think "yeah, she needs some vitamins in her system". She didn't take it as an offense, even though she knew some people probably would, she just found it such a genuine and kind gesture.

If things were different, she would probably love to hang out with this woman. Now it just kind of felt awkward. She gave Rita an appreciate smile, though, as she took the offered smoothie. "Hey, thanks. To be fair, Diego ate at my place for almost a year, so it's partially my fault how he ate. And by my place I meant my diner, not my place, you know?" she added quickly when she realized how she might have sounded. There was a short time period when he was eating at her place, but it was better if even Rita didn't know about that.

"And if you think he has bad eating habits, you'd be horrified if you knew mine," she joked. "But thank you for this, it's really nice of you," she raised the cup at Rita before she took a sip of it. It was surprisingly good. There was a period of her life when she lived on these and drank them on a daily basis, but it felt like by this time she forgot how they even tasted, and it was nice.

"I am doing okay, I guess. As much as I can in all of this... well, it's kind of quiet in a weird way, mostly just endless questioning and then downtime. Are you here on official business?" she couldn't help but ask. Maybe she wouldn't like the answer, but it would make more sense if she came to report something or for an assignment.

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"Hmmm," Rita said, with an amused laugh as Darcy mentioned that diner of hers. She'd misinterpreted Darcy's words, thinking that Darcy was making an innuendo-joke about Diego 'eating' at her 'diner'. Rita knew he was sleeping with the woman, and she knew what a disaster that could turn out to be - not just for Darcy, but also for Diego. Now that Vivien Salazar was arrested though, Rita couldn't help but wonder if there was a chance for them. Some impossible, tiny, thin sliver of a chance. Rita didn't know Darcy well at all, but Rita felt Diego at least deserved something of a break. He was one of those fools who kept trying to do right, no matter how much he fucked up. He never gave up; and even now, Rita knew he wouldn't give up on Darcy Palmer. Did Darcy feel the same?

"I'm sure you fed him well. And I hope he returned the same. Men can be so greedy sometimes..." she said with a smile. Rita didn't know if that came off too chummy, so she was glad when Darcy asked a question.

"I am, I'm meeting with Al Karga - I'm sure you've already met him by now. My final report to hand in about one Mr Ellis. Then I'm headed back to New York. That's where you're from, right? I'll be glad to get back home, honestly. I've been on the road too long, and I miss my dogs." Rita realized that talking about her home to a woman who was currently so massively displaced was probably rubbing salt in an open wound.

"Oh - I'm sorry. I just mean - well. I hope things work out for you, really I do. Unfortunately without any further, er, monetary provisions from the FBI or US Marshal's office, I'm out of your business for good once I return home. In fact, Diego still owes me for what I've done already; and I'm guessing that fool's planning to pay me out of pocket, too. That invoice'll be unpaid for a while, probably." She smirked. "But I don't mind. At least my ex-husband's a stockbroker, and I get a huge alimony."

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"Okay..." Gen frowned. What Rita said sounded extremely strange, but she figured she'd just roll with it. And Rita kept talking, too, and once she brought up Tyler Ellis, she forgot about the weirdness completely.

"Was he involved with Vivien?" she couldn't help asking. It was one of the things that she kept running over and over again in her head. How if she would have listened to him, if she actually believed him, maybe they could have been more prepared and maybe none of the shit that happened would have actually happened. Maybe the FBI would have actually found Vivien before she could have kidnapped Juliana. "Sorry, you don't have to tell me if it's classified or anything, but if it's possible, I'd like to know."

Hearing Rita talk about New York and mention having dogs caused such mixed feelings inside of her. Part of her still desired to get back to New York, but she wasn't sure anymore if it was the city itself or the life where she was happy and didn't know all the horrors that she went through even if she could never actually get that back, while other part of her just wished she could have gone back to Sunnymead, back to the life she built up over the last couple of years. "Yeah, New York born and raised. Really loved it there, too, so I get wanting to go back there. Especially if you have dogs waiting for you. What kind of dogs do you have?"

She wondered if Diego knew about the going back to New York thing. They probably already talked about it and agreed on long distance or something. She couldn't exactly imagine Diego going after Rita and settling down in New York. Not because of Rita, she just couldn't really imagine him going so far from Texas for good. In her mind Diego sooner or later would always end up back here, he loved this place way too much for it.

And apparently Rita wasn't only going back to New York, she was also handing in invoices to Diego, which just made no sense. "Wait, Diego was paying you for everything? I thought he called in a favor, and then especially after you two are... you know, together and all, it was you helping out and the US Marshall's office paying if anyone." MIght have been a really stupid though, she knew that, their relationship was not too long yet, but it somehow made sense in her head. Well, until now. It felt like she was missing something.

And that's when it really clicked for her what Rita was talking about when she said they would feed each other and what she was trying to insinuate and was her smile really teasing or did she misread annoyance completely? Gen's eyes grew twice their size and she practically choked on thin air as she vigorously started shaking her head. "Wait when you said I fed him and he gave it back, you meant that the two of us... No, no, I actually meant he ate at the diner that I was running. Real food, actual real food. He even worked at the kitchen for a hot second, we just argued too much and I kicked him out of there, so he just kept coming back to eat there so he can do his job and keep an eye at me."

She looked around to make sure nobody was around them and actually heard this conversation. She didn't only want to make sure RIta didn't think there was anything between them, not anymore at least, she also didn't want to get Diego in trouble because somebody overheard them. Thankfully nobody was around to hear them but she still leaned forward and lowered her voice as she said, "It's not like that between us, I swear. You don't have to worry, it's-- we're close but it's more because we were thrown into these shitty situations together, mainly because of me, but that's beside the point. What I'm trying to say is that he doesn't-- you know, feed me. Not in that regard. I'm not... no."

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“He wasn't," Rita replied, about Tyler Ellis. She said that without any hesitation. "Not directly, anyway. He had his fingers in a lot of pies and..." Rita looked around the office foyer before leaning closer. "The government's done its share of shady backdoor deals with...a lot of different types of people, but Ellis took that unspoken tactic a little too wholeheartedly. As in, he chose to profit for himself, rather than for his country. And that meant he did a lot of glad-handing and deal-making with all sorts, some of them affiliated to Salazar's syndicate. But I don't think Ellis and Salazar ever actually know each other. Not directly. Sorry, Ms Palm- I mean, Ms Soto, that's the most I can say."

She happily went into talking about her dogs afterwards. Like most dog-owners, she knew the breeds and showed photos to Gen on her phone. Rita clearly loved the two animals dearly.

But when they got back to the subject of Diego, once again Rita misunderstood what Gen was saying about him, because Rita was going off her own understanding of the situation between Diego and Gen. "Of course he's paying me for my services, it's how I make a living. The US Marshal office didn't technically authorize Diego calling me to work Ellis, sooo, yeah. It's just a lot of red tape. Don't worry, I don't charge interest for friends," she said with a smile.

And when Gen mentioned Rita and Diego 'together', Rita flushed, realizing that Diego told Gen about their night. "Listen, Gen. I don't want to assume anything, but it was just that one night, I promise. I didn't know how he felt about you until afterwards. He's a man, you know how it is. Once the blood reaches their privates their brains switch right off. I hope I didn't...make things weird between you two."

But then when Gen rushed to assure Rita that Gen and Diego didn't have any sort of relationship - sexual or romantic - going on, then Rita looked even more abashed. Clearly, from what Gen was saying, it turned out that Rita misread the entire situation. She'd thought their feelings towards each other were mutual. But apparently it turned out the feelings that Diego had for Gen Soto were completely one-sided and very much unrequited by Gen.

"Oh, I see," Rita said, feeling a bit sorry for Diego for getting himself embroiled in yet another doomed situation. It wasn't Gen's fault of course - if she didn't have feelings for Diego, that was her right - but Rita knew Diego would just end up with his heart-broken, completely his own doing. She decided she needed to enlighten Gen, warn her at least so that Gen could hopefully clarify things for Diego.

"And...look I'm sorry for getting so personal, but he's my friend and I do care about him. But I just want to make sure - so Di knows you don't have any, you know, feelings for him, right? And...you know he's got it bad for you? As long as he knows there's no hope in hell of you two happening, then that's fine. It's just. He got fucked-up over a woman before you, and she claimed to love him, even if I'm not sure she did. Since you don't feel anything for him, maybe just, I don't know. Tell him plainly? So the poor lovestruck fool doesn't think he's got any chance."

Rita patted her hand and smiled. "And I'm not judging you for not being attracted to him, or anything like that. If you don't have any feelings for him, that's totally understandable. He's just my friend and he's ridiculously in love with you, so I want to make sure he'll be okay once you've moved forward in your life, y'know? And I really, truly hope you're able to move forward in your life, after all this nightmare with Salazar is over."

She glanced at her phone. "Oh shoot - I should head up to Al's office, I'm gonna be late. Listen - Dar - Gen - it's been good to see you. Sorry for all my assumptions about you two! I honestly thought you two were a thing, that's totally on me," Rita said, rushing to gather her things as she stood up and backed away from Gen. "Good luck on everything, I mean it. Take care, okay? Maybe one day we can meet up again and laugh over this, who knows."

And with that, Rita hurried off to the elevator up to Al's maekshift office.

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It was a relief to hear that Ellis at least wasn't involved with Vivien directly. He was still a shady person and Gen hoped he would finally get what he deserved without being able to turn it around and slip away from the consequences, but it weirdly made her feel better to know Tyler at least wasn't on the same level as Vivien. He wasn't too much higher, but he was at least higher. "Thank you for telling me this much. And please, no Ms, just call me Gen. Or Darcy. Either works, really, I know it's kind of confusing right now."

She happily looked at the pictures Rita was showing her of the dogs and listened to the woman talk about them. She's wanted one her entire life, but at this point she made peace with probably never having one, so now she was just happy when she could hear about other people's dogs. And it was a nice, small break from the heavy and more serious topics, since right after they went back to Diego and him being charged for everything, and Gen made a mental note to herself that she would have to talk about this with Diego. There was no way she would let him pay for all of this when she was just as involved and part of the reason Rita was asked to dig into that asshole in the first place.

And then things took a surprising turn and suddenly Gen felt like she got up onto the rollercoaster that just kept going on higher and higher without an end, because the things Rita was telling her... well, they just made no sense. Or more like they made no sense in her head cause she was so sure she knew and understood the situation that Diego and Rita and she herself were in, and Rita was contradiction everything she thought she knew and was so sure of, and it was just a lot to take in and process and the fact that Rita just kept talking didn't help in the moment.

She had to admit, it crossed Gen's mind for a moment that Rita might just be fucking with her and telling her some fake story and in the end she would just laugh in her face with a "ha ha, you though, huh?" or something. She didn't seem like that kind of person, but how could she have gotten everything so wrong if everything Rita was saying was true? Even if it couldn't be, because DIego made sure to let her know that he didn't want her or thought they should really happen or that he even wanted anything to do with her sexually, the last of it only a few days ago. So what was Rita even talking about?

Okay, maybe they really just slept together once, maybe she misunderstood that part, but Diego couldn't possibly be in love with her, could he? He made it so clear he didn't want anything from her, what could she possibly have misinterpreted as him being in love with her? Was Rita just a really bad judge of character? Really bad at noticing love and the absence of it?

But she couldn't help her heart from fluttering into life and the butterflies in her stomach awakening and memories flashing into her mind. Him calling her honey repeatedly. The way he kept holding her hand during the drive here. How he was trying to take care of her the entire time they were here, putting in more effort than anyone else would have expected of him or would have done in his place. How he repeatedly told her that he wanted to stay by her side through all of this. How he was constantly trying to make sure she ate and got enough rest because he knew just how shitty she was at taking care of herself. How he kept sleeping in a shitty motel room next to her on the same bed when probably nobody else would have done that, normally they would have just let somebody take a night shift and let Diego rest on his own, let him have some time alone to himself at least. How he was currently somewhere between Sunnymead and here because he not only wanted to pack up his apartment and his stuff, but her as well, without her ever having to ask him of any sort. How he wanted her to take the bed and they had the same argument over it every single night since the first. How he arranged a call to her brother because he knew just how much it would mean to her and how much it would fuel her no matter how everything else was shitty around her. The way he pulled her close against him when they were sitting next to each other on the bed. Just how comfortable he seemed around her, whether it be in the car or in the motel room. How he didn't let her drive because he wanted to give her a chance to some calmness if she could find it. And all of this just in the last couple of days.

Suddenly she felt overwhelmed because if Rita is right, how could she have been so blind and so dumb? How could she have missed all the sighs? Just in the last couple of days alone everything he's done showed loving her, or at least having strong feelings for her, and all of that after he caught her right after she slept with Vivien.

Fuck. Vivien. Fuck. She already felt bad that DIego had to see the aftermath of that, had to know what went down between them, but if he really loved her and he had to see that--- fuck, it was an even bigger fuck up than she originally thought.

Fuck, how could she have missed all of this? DId she really miss all of this? She had so many question and she wanted to fire all of them at Rita, but once Rita finished... well, she wasn't sure what she was talking about, she kind of zoned out once she said that DIego was stupidly in love with her, but she assumed RIta was just trying to be a good friend or something, but once she was done with whatever she was telling her, she suddenly got up, excused herself and left and then Gen was just sitting there, half of the smoothie in her hand, staring ahead of herself and trying to wrap her head and heart around everything.

Could it really be true? All of it? Could she really hope that they could be more? That he could reciprocate her feelings?

And as if on cue, suddenly a family figure appeared in her eyesight and in a couple of seconds Rita's place was taken by Diego who looked hassled with a knapsack in one hand and some kind of food box in another and she didn't have a clue what to say or how to react, her heart was beating out of her chest and she was still in the middle of processing everything as she sputtered, "What-- what are you doing here?" She quickly shook her head and added to make sure he didn't misunderstand her, "I mean, I thought the trip would take you longer, you know. Did everything go okay? Did you manage to get everything? Is Vex okay?" Because focusing on her hedgehog and the trip seemed like a safer topic and it at least prevented Gen from asking him outright if everything Rita told her was true or not.

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Diego put the knapsack on one of the chairs, giving Gen a look before she adjusted her questions to be more specific. "I didn't want the trip to take longer, I wanted to get out of there as fast as I could," he groused, opening up the knapsack carefully. "People know. Obviously Vincent and the rest of the copshop, and the diner - although Flo seemed to be convinced by your vacation story and refuses to believe what people are saying. Everyone was a combination of not wanting to talk to me, and wanted to ask me everything, just like the kids were. I said my apologies and left as soon as I could."

Opening the knapsack up, he revealed that Vex was right inside the bag, which was lined with hastily torn-up newspaper. It looked like Diego had also placed cabbage leaves and some carrot pieces in there too. "I don't know what hedgehogs eat," he said, as they stared at the little creature snuffling around. "Maybe I should've left it with Jose, he seemed to have taken a shine to feeding it. They were all going up into your apartment now - Jose, Flo, a couple of the other servers. But I guess it don't matter now anyway. The rest of the stuff's still in the car, I just came here straight from Sunnymead. I brought the hedgehog's crate too, but I didn't wanna leave the critter in the car. I heard dogs die in cars, figured hedgehogs would too."

Standing straight, Diego slipped his hands into his back pockets. "But there you go. I hope I got everything you wanted, but I could always go back." Checking his watch, he glanced around. "They kept you waiting long? I thought Rita was supposed to come by...."

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Listening to Diego, having him sitting next to her, watching him reveal Vex in the bag, all of it felt so overwhelming and strange and too much and not enough at the same time while Gen was still processing everything. Her mind was still running a mile a minute, and then there was Diego talking about something so mundane and so... well, not to say Vex and what happened in Sunnymead was meaningless and nothing, but all of it for a moment felt so much like that compared to the realization she just had a moment ago. Compared to how dumb she felt in that moment for not seeing it sooner. Cause she really should have seen it sooner. It was right there, so obviously in front of her and she was too wrapped up in her own version of the story that she created for herself that she just couldn't see through it and see the reality.

She wasn't sure how she must have looked from the outside, but she must have had the most dazed expression. She felt completely out of it because he loved her. Even now, offering to go back if he missed something, he was offering to go back even though the drive was long and he probably didn't enjoy being in a situation where the entire town was attacking him on what happened, bugging him with questions and demanding explanations. And still, he was offering to make the trip if she wanted him to.

She loved him so much, so incredibly much.

But it's not like she could just keep staring at him and not say a thing, she needed to snap out of all of this and say something, preferably something coherent and something that wasn't bringing up everything Rita just told me. Because she wanted to talk to him about it so badly, but she also didn't know how to bring it up without it just bursting out of her cause ift hat happened in the middle of the office where anyone could overhear them, it would not end well. For either of them.

She tried shifting her focus towards Vex instead, carefully picking her out of the bag, "Hey little star, did you have a good journey?" she asked of her as if she could actually answer back, still being way too aware of Diego and his closeness and his feelings and not looking at him was so damn hard. "She mainly eats cat food but she will eat anything you give him, so the veggies were perfect, thank you for thinking of it. And thank you for bringing her here. Did you talk to anyone other than Flo from the diner? Did you tell her what happened or do you think I should call and tell her that she should believe everyone else? Did everything seemed to be running smoothly?" She was still working out in her head how she could make sure the Grub would stay open, but she trusted Flo in running everything.

She shook her head. "The waiting wasn't bad, just the usual and Rita is actually here already, we talked and she just went to talk to Al right before you arrived. Speaking of Rita," she realized there was one aspect of their conversation she could at least talk to Diego about, "why didn't you tell me you were paying for her work out of your own pocket? You shouldn't have done that. Or at least you should let me help you out there and pay half of it."

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"Are you alright?" Diego asked Gen, because she was looking somewhat stunned. "Came out of a bad meeting?" he guessed, since this wouldn't be the first time that all the questioning and debriefing with the FBI and the US Marshal office and even with the on-call therapist had completely melted Gen's brain. Some of the evenings when he and Gen returned to their hotel room, she'd just function enough to eat whatever he gave her, take a shower, and then watch TV until she passed out. He knew this would all just be another blur to her, just like it was the first time. With no routine and no set schedule other than getting to the office to sit around and wait, there was a sense of loss and fogginess. There was hardly anything Diego could do about it, but just abide by whatever the system needed from Gen, and making sure she at least didn't pass out from dehydration.

He was hoping that today at least, might give her some activity to focus on. First with looking after the hedgehog, and then sorting through all the things that Diego had brought from Sunnymead. When she finally seemed to click to life she picked up the hedgehog and Diego breathed an internal sigh of relief. At least the helpless living creature was triggering some sort of effect on Gen, and a good effect.

She spoke to it and Diego smiled to himself, but he didn't make fun of her. Because on the long drive back from Sunnymead, he'd had a few conversations with the hedgehog himself. It understood nothing, but it just felt weirdly good to vent to something living. "Oh good. You can thank Carl, he gave me the vegetables. And this sub sandwich for you too. He said apparently it's your favourite sandwich..." Diego shrugged, not sure if this was true or just Carl being Carl. He put the cellophane wrapped submarine sandwich on the knapsack.

"No, I don't think you should talk to anyone directly from Sunnymead any longer. I'm sorry. I told Flo and Jose that the restaurant owner's been informed and the FBI will handle things from there in terms or new arrangements. And yeah - I did talk to Al to find out if there was anything to be done for keeping the diner open. The owner just needs to find a new person to lease it out to, hm? So even if it just shuts down for a while in the interim, chances are someone smart in that town will realize the Grub's a cash-cow and snap it up. Don't worry, you don't...you can't worry about that sort of thing anymore." It was no longer Gen's to worry about. It was a Darcy-thing, and now it was over. He reached out and rubbed her shoulder in commiseration.

"I'll miss that place," he said. Whether he meant the Grub specifically or Sunnymead overall, Diego wasn't specific. But there was a truth to what he said. He released Gen and nodded about Rita, about to get himself a coffee from the kiosk. But then Gen started talking about Rita's work and Diego paused and frowned.

"She told you?" Diego said, and then rolled his eyes. "Dammit Rita..." But it wasn't entirely Rita's fault. She didn't know about Gen Soto's honourable heart that refused favours or good deeds from anyone without some sort of recompense. Gen hated owing anyone anything, even if it was something she didn't specifically ask for. She was stubborn in her desire to pay everyone back, no matter what. It drove Diego nuts, but it wasn't exactly something he could say to Gen. Mostly because her need to even the playing field came from such a good place. Maybe she didn't like being in anyone's debt, but at the same time Gen also did so much good in return.

"Look we'll sort it all out later, okay?" Diego said, with a wave of his hand. "Not like you got money to speak of - your savings and credit card are Darcy's money, not yours."

But he also had a wildcard up his sleeve to distract her from this argument, and this was the perfect opportunity for a distraction. He pulled two photos out of his pocket. "Here you go - I didn't forget these either." Gen's two photos - of Vivien, and of her family.

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Gen only realized both of her hands were taken when the sandwich was planed onto the bag. One of her hands had Vex, the other was still holding onto the half drank smoothie that Rita got her. Vex immediately started smelling, her little nose moving towards the sandwich and Gen smiled. "Thanks. Both to you and Karl, I guess. I'll eat it later, for now this smoothie will be enough." She took another sip of it.

She knew it was coming, that there would be a point when she wouldn't be allowed any more contact with anyone in that town. Technically she already wasn't allowed, but it wasn't spoken specifically out loud to her yet, so she was still holding onto hope. Just like she was holding onto hope that she would be able to somehow keep the Grub. She wasn't sure how that would be possibly, especially if she was relocated, but she was still holding on as the last lifeline to the life she had in Sunnymead, the life she built for herself and came to love. So when Diego told her it was done, there was nothing she could be done, it felt like a whole new kind of loss washing over her. Something similar she felt when she was relocated from New York. As if losing the Grub was making all of it real and final.

The Grub was her baby. It was her project that in a way saved her sanity back when she got to New York. It helped her in so many ways she wouldn't have been able to count them all, it gave her the opportunity to blend into the community with ease and as much as she started working on it with resentment and anger and annoyance towards the business, she came to love it so dearly. And all of it snatched away from her without the FBI thinking twice about it. (Not that she didn't realize that this was the logical and the right move in her position, but she couldn't think about it rationally, all she could feel in that moment was the loss.)

She closed her eyes and willed herself not to let the tears go. She was doing so good in the last couple of days not letting the emotions get the best of her, only allowed herself to cry when the two of them got back to the motel room and her sobs were muffled out by the running shower, and she was not about to break that routine. She knew nobody really would have cared, aside from Diego, but she still didn't want to allow anyone to see that. She took a couple of deep breaths before she opened her eyes again and gave Diego a bitter smile. "Hopefully somebody will open it soon and it will continue to be a staple in the community of the town." Just not with her running it. Or serving people, or doing the books, or even being able to ever step foot in that place. "And yeah, I'll miss it too. Everything, really."

He clearly didn't want her to know about him paying which was... well, it was stupid, really, but if he didn't want her to insist on helping out, it made sense that he didn't want her to know. Rita spoke about it so casually, though, that Gen was sure none of that was ever discussed between her and Diego. She was about to point this out when Diego made a point that she didn't even realize. Darcy's money wasn't hers. "What the fuck?!" she exclaimed, sudden and shocked. "So basically I have even less than I thought I did and basically at this point me getting relocated would be the best case scenario for me because then at least I would get some kind of help. Fuck. Cool. Awesome. We're still talking about the invoices, though," she added a moment later, cause it still didn't feel right to let him pay the full amount all on his own.

But if he wanted to avoid the conversation, he knew just how to distract her. The moment those pictures appeared in her eyesight, she froze once again, her eyes locked onto the pictures. She honestly thought Diego would only bring the one with her family. She did not want to see or have anything to do with the one where Vivien and her were together. She just... well, she wished she could just fucking burn it, really. She wanted to get rid of it in the most drastic and final way possible. Not that she could actually burn it up now, in the middle of the offices. They shut her down before even the photo could catch on fire. But it did give her an idea, and after finishing up the smoothie in her hand and putting its cup down next to her, she carefully took the two pictures, making sure that vivien's was on the bottom, covered by her family's picture so she would not see Vivien's face and placed it in her lap. "Thank you. For bringing these, too," she gave him a smile and reached over squeezing his hand.

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"Yeah," was the most that Diego could say about the fate of the Grub. Gen tried to make it sound very straight-forward and diplomatic, but Diego figured it was just one more private matter for her to have a breakdown over when she was alone. There was nothing for Diego to do about it, except be there whenever it happened. Gen had so much to mourn and grieve over - her family, her friends in Sunnymead, her two separate lives - she probably hardly ever knew where to start. One sadness probably melded into the other, and back again. She was a walking ball of nerves, on the verge of collapse.

So when she had her angry outburst about her money, and insisted on tabling the talk of the invoices for another day, Diego just nodded. "Alright, fine." And then he added, "Payment installments, once you start making money again. With interest, if you prefer." It was a compromise he was willing to make right now, because it banked on the idea of Gen once more getting back out there, finding a way to work again (and Diego knew she had an incredible work ethic, it was one of the things he immediately had liked about her) so she could pay him back. He didn't want the money from her, but if it was something she felt she had to do, then why not just let her do it? She needed a win of her own making.

"Of course," Diego said, when she thanked him for the photos. "I couldn't--"

But he was cut off by a couple of the FBI agents pulling Gen back into one of their offices. They got Diego to come too, and the FBI agent informed Gen that they'd done as much investigation with her as they could for the moment, and in a couple of months, they'd be flying her to New York to provide depositions and possibly testimony with the State Attorney.

Al was there as well, and he added, "The US Marshal office will arrange your lodgings in the time being. You will be moving states, California's been too compromised. It won't be temporary, but..." Al looked at Diego, who nodded. "We've made arrangements that you can keep the same handler, so. Chavez here will be going with you."

The FBI agent nodded. "And then once the trial is over - which could take months - then...we'll see what happens. That's the best answer we can give you, Ms Soto. Unless you have any other questions?"

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Gen nodded, happy that Diego didn't just simply try to fight her on her wanting to help with the money. "That sounds perfect, thank you." Maybe it was a small victory, maybe she wouldn't even be able to fulfill it for a long time still, but it was still something she could plan for, look forward to.

The FBI agent walked up to them without Gen ever noticing and she quickly (but hopefully not so obviously, at least she tried not to make it to be) pulled her hand back from Diego's and the two of them followed the agent into the office and listened to all the information given to them. It was a relief to know that the questioning was finally over, she wouldn't have to spend any more time in this place, but when the agent told her that she would be moved until the trial, for a moment she got scared, because it sounded like it would just be her and not Diego, too. It would have been a cruel twist of fate if after what she realized thanks to Rita, suddenly they were forced apart from each other. But as if Al felt all of that, he reassured her that Diego would be coming and she couldn't help the genuine, happy smile that spread over her face.

"I don't have question. I'm assuming the details will be provided before we are actually there... wherever the new place is."

"Of course. My coworkers are already working on the details of the location with the help of the local US Marshall department. You will be provided with all the information required tomorrow and then moved either the tomorrow evening or the night after that, based on how we can arrange everything. Until then you are required to remain in the room you're already in."

After this, the two of them were ushered out and they headed back to mentioned hotel. They picked up some food for Diego on the way, while she spent most of the ride sunk into the seat, her eyes closed, Rita's words going over and over in her head, Vex enjoying the ride in her lap.

Once they made it to the motel room, they moved everything inside the room, set it to the side of the room so they wouldn't be in the way - she would sort through them later, first she wanted to get Vex comfortable. And talk to Diego about everything. That was the main thing she wanted to focus on. She set up Vex on the bed and arranged the pillows to make sure she wouldn't fall off and then she looked for the trash can of the room - which was empty, just like she thought it would be. Perfect for what she wanted to do. "Do you have your lighter on you by any chance? Could I get it for a moment?"

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"Looks like we'll be dining on pizza for the next couple of days," Diego joked as they drove back to the motel. He motioned to their current takeout sitting in the back of the car. "So enjoy these burgers for now." Even as dire as that sounded though, Diego felt strangely...uplifted. He didn't want to think about his own personal reason for being happy about all these changes, so instead Diego just decided that he felt happy, becaue Gen sounded so happy when they were talking to the FBI.

For once, Gen didn't have any questions for the FBI or for Al. She was compliant and understood the procedure and Diego was surprised. Usually Gen was full of all types of questions, but this time she just accepted her new fate without complaint.

But it wasn't technically Gen's complacency that made Diego happy, but just that smile. That beautiful brilliant smile that Diego hadn't seen on Gen's face for such a long time. It was like sunshine after weeks of rain.

They got back, and Diego tried to sort through the piles of stuff to find the cage he'd brought for Vex. "I know it's here somewhere...oh maybe I left it in the trunk of the car," he said - but it seemed like Gen had the hedgehog sorted with a pillo enclosure, so Diego decided he'd go downstairs and fetch the cage after dinner.

And then Gen was asking for his lighter and he pat his pockets. He handed the zippo to her curiously. "Another smoke?" he asked. "We should conserve them if we're here for a couple more nights and can't go out. It's our last pack."

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Gen took the lighter with the shake of her head. "Nope, for once this isn't for a smoke." She grabbed the trashcan and moved it out of the room - she didn't think the room actually had a fire alarm, but just in case, she didn't want to trigger anything, plus she didn't want anything to get stuck with the smell of smoke, and then she fished out the now very crumbly and bad looking picture she had with her and Vivien on it.

She made sure the other picture was tucked away safe and sound in a place where it wouldn't get hurt or damaged, but she did not give any care about this picture anymore aside from the fact that it got destroyed.

She looked at the picture for a few moments, but at this point even looking at her own happy smile felt different. All of it, the entire picture felt fake and made up and built up on lies and deceit and she just wanted Vivien out other life completely. Which was going to happen, one way or another, but it felt like it started with this picture. This picture which for four years gave her so much strength and emotional support along with the picture of her family. And now it just made her angry for all kinds of different reasons. It was definitely time to get rid of it.

She held the little picture up so Diego could see what she was holding in her hand clearly, too - it felt so important to make sure that Diego saw what she was doing, that he understood that Vivien was her past and she didn't want anything to do with her. Especially after that colossal fuck up, she wanted him to see and know what she was doing.

"You know, for the longest time I never thought I'd actually want to get rid of this picture. I was living in this fucking fantasy and holding onto something that was never real, not for a moment, because I so desperately wanted to believe that it was working and that the fact that I was living in a happiness that was based on ignorance was good for me. Not anymore." And with that, she lit the picture, waited a few moment to make sure it caught on fire, and then dropped it into the trashcan so it could burn through the entire picture without any disruptions.

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"What're you..." Diego started to say, but when she took the trashcan out to the balcony, to the little private corner (they had an end suite) and pulled out the photo, he understood. He rocked back on his heels, folding one arm while he chewed the nails on his other hand. He watched Gen silently then. He didn't try to stop her - mostly because it wasn't his place to stop this. It was part of the process, and really Diego had to admit he admired Gen for being so decisive about this decision. She'd only received the photos today, and already she knew what she wanted to do with Vivien's photo. What it would mean to do this.

He watched as she gave it a goodbye speech, and watched as she lit the photo and then threw it in the metal trashbin. Diego only stepped forward then, and he put his arm around Gen's shoulders. "You okay?" he asked her quietly, after the fire ate the photo up completely, then simmered down into a few burning embers.

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Gen watched the picture curl up and burn and she kept thinking about that night when Diego found her pictures, how much she was desperately trying to hold onto it. How after she even tried to fucking steal it back, for fuck's sake. All of it for a picture of a person she was lying to her the entire time during their relationship.

Compared to that panic she felt during that night, she felt nothing in that moment. No, that wasn't right, there was an incredible rage towards Vivien inside of her for everything the woman put her family and herself through, and then for everything she put Juliana, and Diego and Phoenix and her through now and never for one moment it crossing her mind to apologize, not for a single moment. And then slowly, as the picture got smaller and smaller, there was this weird relief washing over her stronger and stronger, something she did not expect at all, but was very much welcomed.

She watched it for a few moments longer once the picture was gone completely and then Diego was there, his hand wrapping around her shoulder, asking her if she was okay and she just nodded and leaned against him for a few moments. "Yeah, I'm good. This felt oddly freeing," she admitted.

She didn't want to talk about any of it, though. She wanted to talk about anything but Vivien. More specifically, she wanted to talk to Diego about everything Rita told her, she just didn't have a clue where to even start with it. She just knew that she couldn't hold it in for too much longer, especially not if he kept being this nice and supportive to her. She just wanted to blurt out that she loved him, and that probably wouldn't have been the smartest way to start a conversation. Or maybe that is exactly what it would have needed.

But she kept quiet, and she pulled back and gave him a small smile before gently pushing him inside. "Go in, eat, while the burgers and fries are still warm." She followed him, and the two of them settled on the bed like they did the previous nights, except they were situated on the bottom side of the bed since Vex was still very happily enjoying her side of the bed.

Gen pulled a few salad leaves out of the sandwich Carl sent to her and gave it to Vex and then she started munching on her fries. "Did you know that up until like, an hour ago, I thought you and Rita were together? As in, together together, and not just, you know, one night, having a little fun together." She kind of rushed through the sentence to make sure she wouldn't chicken out, her heart beating out of her chest. Here it came, now she would know 100% sure whether Rita was right or not. Not that she now felt like she could have been wrong.

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"I figured that was the point of burning it. Freeing yourself...some kind of personal closure." But Diego felt he was just rambling now about nonsense that he had no real business talking about. Even after that harrowing kidnapping and seeing Vivien Salazar in person, Diego still believed that Gen's dealing emotionally and mentally was something deeply intimate and personal. There was nothing he could do to change what happened, except be whereever Gen needed him.

Once it was over, they left the can outside and headed back into the room. Diego lounged on the bed to eat, comfortable now in such close proximity with Gen. They'd been cooped up between here and the office building for a few days now. One would think Diego would get antsy about it, but he didn't really mind. At the moment, he felt content as he ate dinner in close quarters with Gen.

He wanted to make a comment about the dinner not being as good as the Grub, but decided against it. Gen had only just gotten past one painful memory in her life, he didn't want to remind her of another.

Fortunately, Gen started speaking instead - and what she said genuinely surprised Diego, and made his skin turn flush. "Me and Rita? Because of - listen, Gen. That night was...it wasn't meant to happen." He sounded like he was making excuses for cheating on Gen though, and Diego tried to stop himself from digging that hole any deeper. Not only because he didn't want to make excuses, but also because he wasn't even sure if it was cheating. Did Gen consider it cheating?

"Not that I don't care about her," he added lamely, thinking maybe Gen would get angry at him for disrespecting Rita. "She's a friend, and we've had some benefits every now and again yeah. But it was just that one time and...it was just the heat of the moment." He thought about Gen and Vivien but he didn't mention that. It wasn't cheating, not for him, anyway. Finding out that Gen had slept with Vivien, it didn't feel like cheating to him. But he had no idea how Gen felt. "I hope you understand. I am sorry it happened, if...if it...I mean. Are you...angry?"

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Gen tilted her head as she watched Diego suddenly get awkward and flushed (did she ever actually see him blush, ever? she couldn't remember) and started babbling and he actually apologized. As if he did anything wrong. As if she didn't do the same thing, only worse. And still he was apologizing and thinking that she was mad and Jesus, she loved him so much. How did it take her so long to see all of it? Both her own feelings and his as well. How could she have missed any of it?

She let out a soft chuckle as she shook her head. "Jesus, this is why I love you," she said without it ever even registering what she was saying in the moment as she ran her fingers through her hair. "You sleep with Rita, and then I go and... well, I go and sleep with Vivien, which is like a 100 times worse, and somehow you're the one apologizing and asking me if i'm angry. I really need to get my anger in check if you think I could ever be mad about something like this. Not to mention I'd be the biggest hypocrite on the entire planet." She was hurt, yes, but now she realized that a lot of that pain was her own fault, creating a story in her head about something she saw even though she shouldn't have jumped to conclusions so quickly or used her imagination so widely in the first place.

"No, the reason I-- well, the reason I am bringing it up because I talked to Rita about it. Well, no, I think it was more like we talked over each other and we kept misunderstanding each other and thus revealing things that-- what I'm trying to say is that I thought you two were together, so when you came up, I tried to reassure Rita that nothing was going on between us because I didn't want her to think I'd screw things up for you guys, which was true, I want you to be happy and if that was with Rita, then I'd want that for you. And she believed me so much that... she said some things. About your feelings."

She was talking faster and faster and she could feel her heart beat picking up more and more, and by the time she got to the end of her words, she already half forgot what she already said. She was just rambling, trying to get to her point as coherent as she possibly could, but also in the end not really daring to say the things Rita actually said to her. She felt like a chickenshit, but she also didn't want to say it for him, partly because she didn't want it to turn out to be untrue, and a tiny part of her was afraid that DIego would tell her that just because he wasn't with Rita, it didn't mean he had feelings for her either (and it felt way too good to be true and too many shitty things happened to her in the last few years to believe anything good like this could ever happen to her again), and partly because she wanted him to say it so badly.

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Diego blinked, then paused, then stared at Gen as she kept talking, wondering if he'd just heard what he thought he'd heard. 'This is why I love you' - that was what she said, wasn't it? He looked around, as if there was anyone else in the room who could confirm this. Vex provided no assistance. He turned back to look at her, trying to play catch up to everything else she was saying - and it suddenly felt like a lot.

Was she being sarcastic? As in 'jesus christ, this is why I love you, you're just so aggravating' in a dry, friendly bantering way? He didn't want to make a big deal out of it, only his heart felt like it was beating out of his chest. So clearly there was some part of him internally that was making a big, huge deal out of it.

"Well the circumstances were different," Diego pointed out, although his words came out faint and mumbly. He didn't know why he felt the need to defend Gen sleeping with Vivien, apart from the fact that it completely destroyed her life. Again. She didn't need anyone else to beat her up about it when Diego knew she'd be doing a good job of that herself.

Then it connected, when she said she spoke to Rita - she spoke to Rita, apparently, about him. One of those mysterious 'girl-talks' happened between Rita and Gen, where things were discussed and learned. Diego never understood how women could just be almost complete strangers yet manage to accomplish deep heart-to-hearts, only to drift away once more. It fascinated him, and this time it seemed to possibly benefit him as well. At least, he seemed to come out of their girl-talk without either woman being angry at him.

It seemed, possibly, maybe, that it was quite the opposite, in fact.

"My feelings. My feelings?" he repeated, finally with some clarity. He was about to challenge her to detail what 'his feelings' were, according to Rita. Put Gen on the spot and make her confess everything that happened in this girl-talk. But she'd said so much already, and she was looking at him with those huge eyes full of vulnerability and a certain fond softness that went straight to Diego's heart. There was no need to get defensive or challenge her, because she'd said so much already.

Right from the start. It wasn't sarcasm in Gen's tone. And so it would be cruel to make her doubt herself now, at this point, when everything apparently seemed to be revealing itself before them, somewhat out of their control. But there it was.

Thanks to Rita and Gen, and their girl-talk, apparently. He made a mental note to send Rita a gift basket, one day.

But he stayed where he was, watching her intently now. He said the first thing that came to his mind. "It's not wrong. My feelings. They're...they're not wrong. They're not ideal, but that's sometimes just how it works out, and if it's worth it, then it can be sorted, hopefully. And Gen, I'm...I shouldn't have made you feel that way, that you were...wrong. You might be the job for me but - you're much more than just a job for me." Diego paused then, his face crumpling as he tilted his head at Gen. He motioned with his hand.

"And honey - you...do realize what you said to me, just now? Right at the start, before - ah - before you started talking about you and Rita, and all that. You said you...." He prompted her to recall, in case she didn't.

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Gen's stomach dropped at the way Diego repeated her last words, and for a moment she was terrified that Rita was, in fact, wrong and he didn't have any feelings for her. (Did she really believe everything Rita was telling her without being able to properly even ask back? Did she really wish Diego to have feeling for her so desperately that one short conversation made her believe anything?) That whatever Rita thought she saw was a huge mistake and she was nothing but the job and that Gen was right in thinking that everything he was doing lately was out of nothing but kindness. That opening her mouth was a huge mistake and she would be wishing she never brought the conversation up at all.

But then Diego was talking again, or more like stumbling over his words as if he wasn't completely sure what he wanted to say either, just said the first thing that crossed his mind, and Gen's heart was fluttering and waking up, quickly beating out of her chest in excitement and hope. He didn't think they were wrong, he didn't think his feelings were wrong. She tilted her head, her expression softening and a smile spreading across her face that she was sure nobody in that moment would be able to wipe off of her face. "Thank God, cause it always felt right between us and I couldn't imagine how you could... how it could feel anything but that for you," she said, her voice barely above whisper. It somehow didn't feel right to talk normally, as if it would ruin the magic.

She frowned for a moment, trying to figure out what he meant (while finally, for the first time, not freaking out over him calling her honey, cause it was in fact not just a general endearmeant, he said it specifically to her, because he had feelings for her and he wanted to call her something sweet and loving and damn it, she could feel her entire body tingle with excitement over something so small).

"What do you mean? I just said that--" And then it hit her.

This is why I love you.

That is what she led with. That she loved him. Which was 110% true, yes, but that wasn't supposed to be what she led with.

"Fuck," she couldn't help the curse word slipping out of her. "Fuck, I wasn't supposed to tell you like that. Just blurting it out and dumping it on you out of the blue and moving on without even realizing I said it and--" And she stopped herself because she was doing it all over again. Just talking and talking. Her expression softened and she couldn't take her eyes off of him. "But it's true. I do love you. And I want you to know it has nothing to do with gratitude for everything that you did, it's just-- you're an amazing person and I'm so lucky to have met you and looking back it feels kind of ridiculous how long it took me to realize, but I am in love with you."

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It felt hard to speak, and it seemed Gen felt the same way, her words barely above a whisper. Still, Diego didn't come closer to her out of some absurd fear that if he moved now, then this would all suddenly dissipate. Like Gen would bolt like a deer or change her mind or even more cheesily, that this was all just a dream.

But she said it again - I love you - and he didn't even consider that maybe she loved him out of some sense of obligation or like she owed him for something. That thought, more than anything, finally clicked home for Diego. This was actually happening. He could unearth those feelings that he'd tamped down and buried, and actually explore them - with Gen. She said it so plainly, he still couldn't quite believe this was happening, but he did believe it was true.

Dinner forgotten, Diego got off the bed and finally closed the distance between them, picking Gen up in his arms. He kissed her first, fervent insistent kisses, each one longer than the previous. "Are you sure?" he asked her finally, but then quickly said, "No, you don't need to answer that. I believe you." Diego put her down and cupped her face then, searching her eyes for what he finally knew was already there.

"I love you too, Gen..." Diego breathed the words out, and it felt so comfortable being spoken like that. So natural, like it was obvious. He had Gen to thank for that. Gen and her outspoken ways. He smiled, wryly. "So was that what Rita told you? That I was in love with you? She tried to talk to be about it but I ignored her because - well - you and I, we were fighting...damned if I can even remember what about." Something about Tyler, and Darcy - Gen - doing her own thing. Whatever. It hardly mattered anymore. Not when he got to slid his arms around her, and feel Gen holding onto him.

Diego walked them back to the bed, kissing Gen as they sat on the edge. Diego kept kissing her then, so she lay back on the pillows, his arms braced on either side of her head. "So. What do we do now?" He pushed some of her auburn curls off her face. "I don't have any plan for any of this, Gen. And I doubt you do either. You think...you think we can make this work?"

Dropping his head, Diego then rested his forehead against Gen's, a strange sort of relief washing over him. "Damn, this feels surreal. It feel that way for you? This - none of this could've ever happened if...all the circumstances didn't line up. Not all those circumstances were good, either." Gen's cover being blown, Juliana getting kidnapped, the anger and betrayal from Sunnymead. Her life over in the space of a few days. "Is this a good thing? I don't - with everything happening, Gen, I don't want to ruin it just because...we don't know how to control it."

_______________________

There was a moment of quiet and stillness between the two of them, when they just looked at each other and neither of them dared to move, almost as if neither of them wanted to ruin the moment, as if the smallest movement on either of their part could make all of this disappear. And then Diego was moving, towards her, for her, and Gen couldn't help the genuine, happy laugh that break out of her as he swoop her up into his arms. And then his lips were pressed against hers, Diego kissing him with passion and Gen's laugh died, matching his passion and fervency with hers, not wanting to let him pull away even just for a moment, let alone him speaking stupid things and asking her if she was sure just to then reassure her that he believed her. She didn't think she would ever be allowed to kiss him again, and now she didn't want to stop.

Okay, maybe she was okay with stopping the kissing for Diego cupping her face and telling her that he loved her, too. She was more than okay with that interruption. Her arms were around his torso and it felt like she melted into his arms hearing those few simple words. If somebody told her they would be here after she first met Diego... hell, if somebody told her at the beginning of the day, she wouldn't have believed any of it. It just felt too good, too surreal, too much out of a book or a movie. Too much like a happy ending when she for the longest time didn't believe she would ever get one.

"Yeah, that's what she told me," she said, her lips curling up in a grin which she doubted would disappear from her face anytime soon. She reached up, one of her hands wrapping around Diego's neck and holding onto him tight and strong, pulling him close, while she cupped his face with her other hand, her fingers caressing his face. "After I told her that there was nothing between us cause I didn't want her to worry while you two were together - there was a lot of miscommunication in the conversation -, she told me that I needed to talk to you and let you down easily because you're ridiculously in love with me and you need to know you don't have a chance with me. And then she just walked away." She felt so overwhelmed in that moment and had so many questions she wished she could have asked from Rita, but it was better like this. She didn't want to talk about Diego's feelings with Rita, she wanted to talk about them with Diego. His feelings and hers and how they could figure out all of this.

"Careful, careful, we don't wanna crush Vex," she chuckled as they laid on the bed, Gen making sure they landed on the other side of the bed to where the little hedgehog was. Maybe she should have gotten her out of there, but in that moment all she could do was keep holding onto Diego and keep looking at him. A part of her was still scared that if she just looked away, all of this would be gone, while the other part of her simply couldn't get enough of him, his touch, the way he so openly looked at her with adoration and love now.

They could do that now. They could finally be open about their feelings, neither of them had to keep it in anymore, neither of them had to wonder how the other felt. It was like such relief, like an amazing dream she never wanted to wake up from. Except it was reality, which made it all even better.

At his question, she leaned up and kissed him, this time slowly. "I'm not sure what we're going to do now, but we'll figure it out. We'll make it work. I refuse to accept anything else. We have some time here in this room, and then we'll be somewhere else for a couple of months at least. We can just figure it all out one step at a time." New life, new identity, new people. Everything was new, but knowing he would be there, that they would be there for each other from the beginning - it felt a lot less daunting this time. At least they could rely on each other through all of it.

She gently started running her finger along his arm as he was propping himself up above her while she nodded. "Yeah, it feels surreal. Or more like a dream. I never though... fuck, Diego, I was so convinced you didn't want anything to do with me, not anymore, all of this doesn't feel real yet." She leaned up and kissed him, originally wanting to only give him a small kiss in between their conversation, but she just couldn't get enough, couldn't pull away. He felt intoxication, addictive, and she wanted to keep kissing him, keep him close.

"Our timing might not be the best, but if both of us want this, I can't see this as anything other than good." The timing really was not the best, especially not considering how they were still very much surrounded by Marshalls and the FBI, and she still didn't want to get him in trouble for any of this. Hearing him say that he didn't want to ruin this, though, it made her heart warm and jittery. "I don't want to ruin this either. Maybe if we take it slow, we can keep it in control. And Diego, I--" she pushed herself up a bit onto one of her elbows, and cupped his face, looking into his eyes. "I'm still very much a mess, that's not going to change, and I don't-- I don't want to screw this up with where I am right now. I don't want to just be the sad girl you gotta comfort and cheer up at all times, you deserve better than that." A moment of quiet before she whispered, "I want to love you right. The way you deserve it." It felt important to make that clear.

_______________________

"Well I wouldn't say it was ridiculously in love..." Diego grumbled in protest as Gen described what her and Rita talked about. But he mostly just protested in jest, because the conversation sounded so very Rita. And so very Gen, for that matter. Of course she'd convinced herself somehow that he had no feelings for her. Because, he supposed, he'd dine such a good job trying not to acknowledge his feelings.

Diego had, for a brief, weird, blissful bubble of time over the holidays. When he and Gen started sleeping together more regularly, when things felt and seemed happy and peaceful between them. Those moments of tenderness and togetherness where they actually talked about things as a couple would. Except they never talked about deeper things - like feelings for each other, or plans for the future. It was safer that way of course, especially because it couldn't last forever. And it hadn't. The bubble burst, and life returned, and then madness happened.

And now here they were again. "I never thought we'd get this chance, so I just didn't want to give either of us hope," Diego explained, to try and assuage Gen's convictions that he hadn't felt anything for her. So she didn't think she was just being stupid or blind. "We were going along so well for a while, but too much of a good thing...can just be a fantasy when the world around you is terrible. I learned that lesson already. And so did you, in a way..." Diego glanced over at Vex for a moment (safe between her pillows) and then kissed Gen again.

"But this is different. Everything's different now, including this. You're right. This is good. We'll take it slow so we can figure it out. We don't have to rush things and we're both adults with...lots of fucked-up experience, so."

He was glad to hear Gen being reasonable like that, it soothed his own fears. She always had a very sensible way of looking a things, often from angles that Diego's own mind couldn't see. He could rely on that, like he had in the past. And for the first time, Diego realized he could see a future for them. Nothing substantial, just a pinpoint of light, and hope. And possibility. He felt something else too, like the inklings of a chapter coming to a close, to start a new chapter soon; but he didn't know quite what to make of that so he tabled it for now and focused on Gen and Gen alone.

"No, none of this feels real yet," he agreed, looking around them. "It's the ambiance, and the state of displacement - I don't think either of us function well when our lives are in limbo, hm? Your life more than mine, but where ever you go, honey, you know I'm gonna follow. I'm glad I convinced Al and he worked that bossman magic. Maybe once we're in the new interim town before the trial, we can...know what to do. I trust my instincts with you by now, hm?" He ran a curled finger along her soft cheek. Diego smiled and slowly lowered himself down, beside Gen so that they could just lay together looking at each other. Vex, in truth, took up the majority of the space while Gen and Diego shared a smaller space on the bed. Not that Diego minded in the least.

"And I know things aren't gonna transform overnight, Gen. This ain't no Cinderella story. Besides, I like comforting and cheering up my sad girl, when she's sad. You better not try'n pretend shit's okay and that you're fine just to delude me, Gen. I'll know. I know all your signals, even when you try to hide them." But even still, he couldn't help but feel a surge of warmth and fluttering inside of him, when Gen said she wanted to love him right...because he deserved it. "I think you're the first person who's told me I deserve something so good, Gen. Other than my mother, I guess, but that's much different."

He still touched her, hand rubbing along her arm and hip in stroking motions. "I'm in no rush, as long as I still got you. And whenever you're ready - whenever we're ready to do it right, then we will. For now, we'll take it slow. And if I'm being honest with you darling, I don't think we should sleep together right now, even if it would help with some of the tension. It'd be too superficial...I can't believe I'm suggesting this," Diego guffawed and looked up at the ceiling as if to confirm his own words with God.

Then, decision made, he looked back at Gen. "We should wait till we're settled and not so...waiting for someone else to make plans for the next step in our lives. Right now if I was gonna have sex, it'd just be mindless sex purely for physical pleasure. And I don't want that with you. And I don't want anyone else but you, even for mindless sex, so. We can just stay here like this, hm? For now, until we...until things are right."

He chuckled then. "Why do I suddenly feel like a teenager trying to do the good Catholic thing about my first time?"

_______________________

Gen shook her head quickly as Diego tried to explain. "Hey, no, no, darling, I didn't think it could go last, either, you didn't do anything wrong. And I misinterpreted a lot, I came to my own conclusions. Which already proved to be way off from time to time," she joked. "So you didn't do anything wrong."

She shifted just a little so Diego would have the space to lower himself next to her. Not too much, though, she very much enjoyed the close proximity and all she wanted to do was stay close to him, stay touching, but just enough so he wasn't in danger of falling off the bed. She rested her hand over her side, her fingers slowly drawing circles on his back. "I like it when you say that, that you're coming wherever I am going. I know it's true, I know you said it before, but I still like hearing it. And I like it when you call me honey." If nothing else, that should have been a dead giveaway. There was something in Diego's voice, a softness that wasn't usually there that was only there for her, that was filled with adoration and love. Of course it wasn't just a casual honey.

Gen's heart filled up with warmth and love as Diego said he knew nothing would change overnight but that he wanted to be there through the bad parts. She knew that already, he made it very clear, but still it was nice to hear. "I wasn't planning on that... okay, no, that's not fully true, I would probably try and hide some of it, but I know that you can tell. And I really appreciate you being there for me, and I will try not hiding it. And just to be very clear, there's no hiding anything now," she added and kissed him. "Just happiness."

It felt strange in a way, to feel this happy in the mids of everything else, but it also felt like it was something that was well deserved, something that was right and almost needed after all the shit that happened.

Him saying she was the first person to say something so nice to him felt so sad, if she really thought about it, but it also didn't surprise her. Other people were definitely idiots, not to notice just how amazing he was, but she also knew that she was one of those idiots only a couple of months ago. He barely let anyone close enough to see through his hard exterior, and she was lucky to have been able to let in like that. "Well, you do deserve it, even if other people are too dumb to see. I'll just try to make it worth the wait, I guess."

She watched him with an amusing smile on her face as he struggled to believe what he was about to suggest. "Diego Chavez himself suggesting to table sex for a while? Who would have thought we'd see the day," she teased him, chuckling before giving him a small kiss and reaching up to caress his cheeks. "I agree, by the way. I think we should wait, too. It just... it wouldn't feel right here." This, what they had here now, the way they were lying so close to each other, felt more intimate and more important than any sex they could have in that moment.

"And maybe you feel like a teenager trying to get your first time right because in a way this is gonna be the first?" she suggested. "Obviously not in the same sense, but this feels like a start, a new beginning. And it's nice, that you wanna start it off right. Make sure we don't screw things off or rush into anything." A new beginning just for the two of them. And damn it, they deserved it, after all of the horrible shit they had to go through and all the ups and downs they went through.

_______________________

Gen called him 'darling' and it had been so long since she'd used any term of endearment on him, that Diego was struck by hearing it fall from her lips. He absorbed it, impressed his moment into his memory even though the possibilities were high that she'd call him something sweet again. More and more, even. The idea was exciting, even one as simple as that.

The revelation had been so huge, but Diego felt so calm about it. He wasn't afraid, and he didn't feel the need to mask any anxiety with intensity. This was just them - bare, open, and raw. Not because they were pulling off each other's clothes, but because they lay together, just looking at each other and talking. That was more raw than anything else.

"You didn't do anything wrong either. I think we just have a knack for poor timing, hm," he said, holding her chin gently to give her another kiss. "But that's fine. Even with...everything going on right now, we're still gonna do out best to make it work." Diego said it like an statement for the both of them - and maybe that was a little presumptuous to speak for Gen as well, but he liked to think she agreed with him on this. When gen threw herself into something, she did it whole-heartedly, accepting the wins as much as the loses. And now, with everything said, perhaps she might even be able to gain more wins than loses.

"The Grub was your biggest win, after losing your first life," he observed, realized. "It was successful and brought people together, and it kept you busy and happy. No wonder you love that place so much. I'm so sorry you had to leave it, Gen. I'm sorry about you leaving all that you accomplished and everything you loved in your first life two, but I didn't know you then. I know you were in your element, at the Grub. You're gonna do it again. You've gotten knocked off your feet before, but you'll get back up and do good things again."

He chuckled when Gen teased him, and leaned into her touch against his face. "I know, I know. But I guess you put the pious back in this old choir boy." This was all so tender and intimate. It was also rather sudden and yet it felt so natural. Maybe because they'd kind of been down this road before, but never had a chance or the freedom to explore this far. So it was retreading familiar territory but just...more of it. Without trepidation.

Even if there was the possibility of this ending badly, those chances felt slimmer now. At least, it did for Diego.

And the more Gen spoke, the more he believed she felt the same way. "Aren't you poetic. I like that though, yeah. A new beginning. It could...it could be. I'm no spring chicken, Gen. The older you get, the harder it gets to see a - a future with just anyone." He looked her in the eye, his expression tentative, if earnest. "It has to be someone...who actually clicks."

_______________________

"Maybe..." Gen started, "maybe all that poor timing is what we needed." She didn't really believe in a lot of things, fate sometimes seemed to be more like something that people who didn't have anything else to grasp onto believed in (and sometimes she did feel like one of those people, but only sometimes), but if this is how it was meant to be, she could live with that. "All the fighting and all the miscommunication and time spent together and apart, maybe that's what we needed to make sure that when we got here, we could make it work."

Diego put the gist of what Gen was feeling about the Grub and why she was feeling it so well and so perfectly, she probably wouldn't have been able to put it this well, not right now at least. Mainly because the moment she thought about the Grub and how she didn't have it anymore, couldn't see it anymore, couldn't even go near it anymore, let alone talk to the people who worked for her, who came in every day, who brightened up her day and made her feel like she belonged in that diner, in that town - the undescribable grieve hit her all over again. For the diner, the people, the town, and everything else she's lost.

And while she appreciated Diego's trust and faith in her that she could do it all over again, she wasn't so sure of that anymore. She had built something up twice at this point - both so different, her business and career in New York being something she mostly did on her own and it was focused on her push and drive and need to be the best and get better and better while make a name for herself in her own field, while the Grub might have technically been something she did alone, too, but it was a community effort, she wouldn't have gotten anywhere without her employees and the people who came in. Two very different things and both of them snatched out of her hands along with her entire life. She wasn't sure she would be able to build anything like this ever again in fear of losing it all over again. And she was definitely certain she wouldn't be able to watch something else being taken away from her in the same fashion.

She knew the loss of the Grub and Sunnymead and everything and everyone else would at some point turn to nostalgia and to a loss that felt bearable, something that didn't feel like it could tear her apart at any moment, but the wound was still too fresh and she couldn't help the wave of sadness hitting her. Gen hated it. On any other day she would have dealt with it. Maybe not gracefully, but she would have, but she didn't want today to be about sadness. Not today. She just wanted to be happy and enjoy their little bubble just a little bit.

"Can we not--" She stopped for a moment, ducked her head to gather her thought before she looked back at him, a bittersweet smile on her face as she said. "I really appreciate everything you just said, I truly do, but can we not talk about it, just for now, please? I-- I don't want to be sad tonight. I just want to enjoy this and not think about anything else outside of this room." At least not anything that led to thinking about everything that was just left behind. "Maybe except for where do you think we would be going? And how it will all work? I did this once myself, but I assume it will be different going in with you."

There was an openness, a certain kind of truthfulness and tenderness in Diego's eyes, every look of his, every touch, every movement, that Gen hasn't seen before. She's seen fragments of it, she was sure of that, but never this openly and easily, and it brought a smile to her lips.

Him teasing and Gen let out a small chuckle at his choice of words. "Sure, you're not 20 anymore, but you're not that old either. Just... mature. And I happen to like mature," she leaned in to kiss him. His words stuck in her heart, though. It can only work with somebody who clicks with him. She clicked with him. Gen knew he was talking about her, obviously, he was talking about her, otherwise this would turn into a very awkward conversation, and even though he didn't specifically say it out loud, but her heart was melting. He saw a future with her. It really felt too good, too much like a dream. As if finally the universe realized just how much she went through and allowed her some happiness, too. Both of them.

It still felt too good to be true, though, and she couldn't help but ask, "This is real, right? I'm not going to wake up soon and realize all of this was just a really vivid, really well crafted dream my mind decided to tease and torture me with?"

_______________________

"Mm," Diego hummed, as Gen pointed out her own opinion, and he liked what he was hearing. It wasn't exactly fate or destiny between them, but it was just something that happened because of everything they'd gone through. They deserved this, didn't they? Was it even a matter of deserving? These were questions Diego couldn't answer, at least not right now.

And when Gen asked not to talk about things like the Grub, or memores of Sunnymead, Diego pulled her a little closer and kissed her brow. "Of course, of course," he said, because she was right. Despite this revelation coming to light, it hadn't meant anything really had changed around them. Gen was still at risk, she was still transient and still playing the waiting game right now. Small graces under so much bigger pressure and stress. This wasn't the time to debrief about things she couldn't control, and didn't know how to process. She had no security or stability right now, no foundation to rest on so that she could process. So Diego just stroked her hair and arm, just letting the feeling of close intimacy wash over them like warm waves.

Eventually though, Gen had to ask questions, and Diego looked into her eyes again. "No, I don't know. Somewhere on the mainland of the United States. Probably not New York, or Texas," he said with a slight smile. "Too obvious. And we're likely not staying in California...I think the FBI Agent Karmeni said as much there. But that leaves the rest of the states wide open. I believe this time it will be more explicit though. If we're going together, it's unlikely that we'll have to pretend to be strangers. It would be too obvious. But whatever they decide, it'll be fine, alright? There's protocol for all of this, and we've been through it before. It'll be fine."

Of course Diego wasn't sure of that, but he was reassuring himself as much as Gen. Despite how out of control things got with Vivien Salazar showing up, he hoped they could regain some semblance of control now. He couldn't help but add, "Just please, for the love of god, listen to me when I ask you to do certain things. You can argue all you want, but don't--" He didn't want to bring up Gen driving to LA on her own steam, and not telling him. But he had put the past in the past, and he wasn't going to dredge it back up. "- don't do anything hasty. Trust in me."

Diego shook his head and muttered 'unbelievable' in grumpy amusement when Gen said she liked mature. It sounded so ridiculous, but in an entirely endearing way. He leaned in and kissed her, long and soft, almost luxurious. As if they were perfectly fine, and this was just a lazy Sunday together with no cares in the world. "No torture. No dream. For better or for worse, this is real, Genevieve Soto."

_______________________

Gen closed her eyes and leaned closer, burying her face into his shoulder and neck, focusing on his fingers on her hair and arms while she held onto him and got lost in the sensation. He couldn't just erase the pain she felt, nobody could do that, but damn it, this quiet and intimacy between them helped in such ways she never thought could be possible and she let it settle between them for a while before she spoke again.

She listened to his thoughts about where they would end up, and how the two of them would be didn't even cross her mind, and now she was wondering about that. They'd probably get assigned to be friends or something, though. Maybe they get a place together and then they would be roommates - that sounded like something the FBI would do. And then leave it to them to explain why they moved together as friends or something. Not that they couldn't handle it, lying was still something she was way too good at. And at least they'd be close to each other.

"Is it weird if I say that I hope we are not going into one of the big cities?" She never really thought she'd say this or even feel this. For so long all she wanted was to get back to New York, but now it somehow felt too big, too unfamiliar, too unknown. Small towns had communities that never really happened in big cities, not in the same way. And even if it was just for a small period of time, she wanted to go somewhere where she could feel okay. "I know it's gonna be fine, I am weirdly not that scared of that aspect of it. I mean, I'm scared shitless, but that's more a general feeling about, well, everything. God, I'm not even sure if I make sense at this point. But my point is that you being there, knowing that definitely helps. A lot."

She could feel guilt rising in her at Diego's request. She kept promising him to do better, to communicate better and be a better team player, and she kept screwing up and doing stupid things and leaving out Diego in one way or another, endangering not only herself but him too (and even other people too, with her latest stupidity). And he was even trying to be nice about it, playing it down and calling it hasty instead of reckless and stupid.

"I close my eyes and I keep seeing Juliana tied to that chair, the way her wrists looked after I untied them and all the shit she said she had to go through while we got there. The way Vivien held the gun to your head. I was terrified and I-- all of that could have been avoided if I wasn't reckless and didn't go to LA. So I think it's safe to say that my reckless days are over. I can't-- I'm sorry it took me this long to understand just how big of an impact me not following the rules could get, but I'm done, I'm not going to object to what you tell me to do. I might argue about certain things, I can't promise you that I won't, but I promise I am done being hasty, as you put that so nicely."

Gen melted into the kiss and held onto Diego strongly, but gently at the same time. It was the kind of kiss that felt like as if they had all the time in the world to them - and now they had. Even when they started dating, it never felt like it would be something that could last, as good as it was it always felt like there was a ticking timebomb on the two of them, so even their quiet moments didn't feel like this, not quite, and to know that they really did have all the time in the world now - it was indescribable and it caused such a warm feeling in her entire body. They could and would be happy together.

"This is real," she echoed his words. "I hope you know I'm going to kill you if you turn out to be wrong," she added against his lips, her voice teasing. "I might ask you this same question a couple of more times, just a heads up." Probably especially during her low moments when her mind would spiral. After all this time, she knew how her brained worked and she was in a good place right now, but she knew it wouldn't last forever, not until she got some help at least, and she would feel like this was too good to be true or too good for her to deserve it. Well, she felt it now too, but in a good way.

#——it's real #——diego chavez (025)

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thisiswhymomworries · 5 years

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trans guy stuff

hey so since I’ve been feeling more firmly like a trans man than non-binary, I might start posting some personal stuff about it here. idk if I’ll do anything like a transition timeline, but I’d like to talk about this stuff and my mom already has to listen to a lot, lol

I’m therapy, actually with two therapists right now. I may have to choose only one, so we’ll see how that goes. mostly I just want to talk out my feelings so I can get a better sense of what they are and have a safe space to dig through all the mental shit transitioning brings up

I’m also trying to work out 4-5 times a week to get back into strength training. I haven’t lost too much muscle mass, but I sure as hell haven’t gained any and my stamina has gone down to shit since I stopped. right now I’m just doing easy, low intensity 15 min workouts to ease myself back into things

my diet is whack bc my autistic sensory issues REALLY limit what foods I can eat, including meat, so it’s super hard to get any protein in my diet. I can manage about 50g on my own, but I’ve added some supplements and protein smoothies to bump that up to a new goal of ~75g and adding 500 calories per day to my diet so I have fuel for working out and building muscle

I haven’t made a decision about going on T yet because I’d like to see what I can achieve naturally first and also give myself time to get my mental shit sorted first. I have felt a lot better since I started binding! I use a gc2b binder that’s probably half or a full size too big bc it still flattens really well and isn’t tight or restrictive at all, whereas the next size down was hard to get on and off, and felt tight all day long, which I did not like :/

I’m slowly coming out to more people in my life and gaining confidence in saying I’m trans, but I’d love to make some connections with other trans people online too! if you’re trans, non-binary, genderqueer, fluid, etc, feel free to hmu! ^^

#trans #ftm #pre t ftm #transgender #personal #pre t might be never t #like I said I haven't decided #but that seems to be the tag to use

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phandomphightclub · 5 years

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Lexovorus vs. Dannyphandump: Epilogue

Note: This one is mostly under the cut because it got a little long and I don’t want to clog anyone’s dash, but if you want to know who Vorus is, you’ll want to at least scroll to the last section :)))

The stadium was in chaos. Vorus had disappeared from the ring after the phight, but not before leaving an ominous “SOON” hanging in the air.

“I’m probably going to regret this, but you and Bug are in charge,” Vic said quickly as she shrugged on her jacket.

“Okay, I’m down for that, but what are you doing?” Lexx asked. “You’re not gonna take on Vorus too, are you?”

“Not exactly.” Vic’s lips pressed into a thin line; her eyes grew brighter. “I’m going to get Tali back.”

“But she…”

“She’s not gone,” Vic snapped. “She’s not.”

“Dude, chill,” Lexx raised her hands, one still holding her smoothie. “Just be careful, alright? Bug and I will hold down the fort.”

“Good.” Vic nodded. She hadn’t expected to need to call on the other two phandom moms so soon, but it was good to know there were still people she could count on.

She flew down to the ring, looking for any sign of Lexovorus. The duplicate was still around, Vic could feel that much. How had they gotten so out of hand? This was supposed to have just been a fun phight; she’d never expected Vorus to win at all, much less to… do whatever they’d done to Tali.

“Vic!” Dots called, flying into the ring with Wes running breathlessly behind. “We were watching and Tali — is she really gone?”

“No,” Vic replied firmly. “She’s not. The Denny’s is mainly her lair, it would’ve started crumbling if she was really destroyed.” She glanced over her shoulder just to check, but the Denny’s was still standing.

“And what about Lexovorus?” Wes asked with a frown. “They escaped again. How are we supposed to figure out who they are now?”

“Lexovorus is closer than you think,” Vic replied cryptically, making Dots frown.

“How do you know?”

“I’m head of security, remember? The security system can help me track them down.”

With a wave of her hand, a translucent green map of the stadium and the Denny’s appeared in the air. One darker flashing V appeared in the space beneath the ring.

“There. You two stay here and don’t do anything stupid. Lexosaurus and Bug are in charge.”

Bug was already calling over the speaker system. “Alright binches, listen up! Everyone get your butts back to the Denny’s!”

When the crowd still stalled, Lexx ripped the mic from their hands.

“You heard your other mom, hoes! The phight’s over! Unless you want me to let the lexxpocalypse loose on you all…”

Ghosts finally started fleeing back to the safety of the Denny’s. Lexx nodded.

“That’s what I thought.”

“...Yeah, excuse me if I don’t trust those two,” Wes deadpanned. “I didn’t come to watch a phight; I came to solve a conspiracy.”

“Yeah,” Dots said. “Let us come with you, Vic! We’ll help find Tali and bust Vorus!”

As much as Vic wanted to turn them down — this was a task she’d rather take on alone — she knew Dots and Wes both well enough to know that if she left them alone, they’d just sneak along after her anyway.

“Fine.” Vic sighed. “Don’t come crying to me if anything bad happens, though.”

With that warning, she grabbed Dots’ and Wes’ arms and pulled them intangibly through the ground.

XXX

“Is this where you guys keep the Reality Gauntlet?” Dots asked worriedly as they walked (so as not to leave Wes behind) down the dark, moldy corridor. “That’s not what Vorus is after, are they?”

“No. They already tried that once.” There had been a brief time when Vorus used the Reality Gauntlet to turn everyone into a Lexx, but that “prank” had been short-lived. Everyone’s memories of that were fuzzy; Vic would hardly believe it had happened if she hadn’t been there herself. After Vorus had regretted their decision, Vic had been the one to take the Gauntlet and lock it away somewhere no one would find it.

“They — what?”

“Don’t worry about that,” Vic told Dots, lifting her hand and illuminating the dark hallway with her green ecto energy. “We’re almost there.”

The stone corridor widened into a domed chamber. The only light came from a small fire in the center of the room.

“Come out and show yourself, Vorus!” Wes shouted. A low chuckled echoed through the chamber.

“Brave words from a human.” Vorus came into view behind the fire, casting a long shadow up the far wall. “I can see why Dots respects you. It doens’t matter though. If you haven’t figured out who I am by now, I doubt you ever will.”

“That’s enough, Vorus,” Vic said with quiet intensity. “Do you know where Tali is?”

That question was the first thing to get under Lexovorus’s ectoplasmic skin. Their head hung low; their dark shades barely balanced on the end of their nose.

“I don’t,” they whispered. “I didn’t know what Tali was going to do, I didn’t mean to—”

“It’s not your fault, Vorus,” Vic said, approaching the ghost slowly.

“What are you talking about, Vic?” Dots gaped. “You saw them! They got Tali — w-well, I don’t know what happened to her, but…”

“It’s not Vorus’s fault,” Vic repeated. This might be a bad idea, but… it was time. “It’s my fault, Dots. I let this happen to Tali.”

Vorus gaped, but Wes spoke up before they could.

“Because you didn’t stop the phight?” Wes asked, brow furrowed. “That’s stupid. You didn’t know what was going to happen.”

“Don’t do this, Vic,” Vorus hissed. “I know you feel bad, but if you do—”

“I know.” Vic nodded. “But this has gone on long enough.”

“Vic…” Dots stepped forward into the ring of firelight. “Are you saying…”

“Yeah.” Vic turned around, looking between Dots and Wes.

“I am Lexovorus.”

If Wes had been drinking something, he would’ve spit it out. “All this time, it was you? But we’ve been in the Denny’s with you before! Besides, you’re both here now… unless you learned duplication?”

“But I thought only Bug knew how to duplicate out of the phighters?” Dots said.

“That was true,” Vic answered, pacing around the fire while Vorus tried to blend into the shadows. “But I watched her during the Phight. Then when the Phight was over, Tali was on vacation playing Kingdom Hearts, and the rest of the staff was on break too. I was the only one left in the Denny’s. I got bored and thought I’d try to work on strengthening my ghost powers.

“It was just a joke. I was going to make a duplicate of myself and dress it up to prank the original Lexx. But duplication isn’t easy, as I’m sure you know.” She nodded to Dots. “It didn’t go exactly right. You’re supposed to be able to control duplicates directly, as if it’s really you in multiple bodies, but that didn’t happen. Instead the duplicate kept the intention of the prank I’d been planning — and it turned into a distorted copy of Lexosaurus.”

“Watch who you’re calling distorted,” Vorus hissed from the shadows. “I’m still you, Vic. Don’t forget that.”

“I don’t get it though,” Dots asked. “Why didn’t you take Vorus back? Can you not reabsorb your own duplicate?”

“I can,” Vic answered. “I was just having fun, though. Others decided to join in on the prank of their own choosing — the other Lexxes you saw. And you were having a good time solving the conspiracy. A bunch of ghosts were coming together over it, and none of the copies were hurting anyone.”

“It was really fun!” Dots admitted. “I got to make friends with Wes, and a bunch of the Lexxes were actually really cool. But wow, I never expected that you were Vorus. I’m going to have to let that sink in.”

“Well, you can do that while I work on finding Tali,” Vic said. “Now Vorus, get back here and help me out.”

Vorus had been slinking off back down the corridor, but at Vic’s call she sighed and came back into the light.

“It’s not my fault you made me so strong,” Vorus muttered. “I never would’ve beat Tali otherwise.”

“I know it’s not your fault. But it is my fault, and you’re me, as you’re so keen on reminding me.” Vic rubbed her temples. Who would’ve known her own alter ego could be so annoying?

“Alright, fair enough.” Vorus shrugged.

“This is so freaky,” Wes muttered to himself.

“If Tali’s lair is the Denny’s, wouldn’t she respawn there if her form vanished?” Dots asked Vic. “Maybe Wes and I should should stay here in case she comes back.”

“Good idea,” Vic replied. “I have one other idea of where she could’ve ended up though. Me and Vorus will go check that out.”

“Me and me, you mean.” Vorus grinned.

“Sure.” Vic rolled her eyes.

“Okay, well… be careful,” Dots said.

“I’ll be fine.” Vic flashed a smile. “I did beat Tali, after all. What could go wrong?”

XXX

The sunset was warm on Vic and Vorus’s skin, uncomfortably so after the darkness of the ghost zone. Vic squinted against the light, nearly stumbling off the edge of the tall clocktower they’d stepped out of the portal onto. Of course, she was a ghost, so it wouldn’t have mattered if she had.

“I never did get what Tali liked about this place,” Vorus muttered. “It’s sunset all the time. Why would you want to live somewhere that’s always bright? Not very proper for a ghost if you ask me.”

“I really didn’t give you any filter when I created you, did I?” Vic sighed. “Why does everyone keep calling you precious?”

“I don’t friggin know!” Vorus threw her hands in the air, glitching in annoyance. “I swear, I try to be intimidating and chaotic and no one takes me seriously!”

“Aww, don’t say that, Vorus. I took you seriously.”

Vic and Vorus turned to the source of the voice – Tali, who was sitting on the ledge of the clocktower, eating a bar of blue ice cream as if she hadn’t just blown herself apart hours earlier.

“I knew I’d find you here.” Vic snorted.

“Oh yeah?” Tali grinned. “You weren’t worried about me at all? Not even a little bit?”

Vic rolled her eyes before sitting down next to Tali. Vorus even took a seat too, swinging her legs off the edge.

“Okay, fine. I was a little bit worried,” Vic huffed.

“She was really worried,” Vorus spoke up. “She thought I’d killed you! Well, re-killed you, anyway.”

“I did not.”

Tali just laughed. “Aw, you really think you could kill me that easily? That’s cute.”

“I’m not cute!” Vic and Vorus said in unison, only causing Tali to laugh so hard she nearly dropped her ice cream off the tower.

“Anyway, no hard feelings, bro. Here.” She pulled two more bars of ice cream seemingly out of nowhere. “I had a feeling you might show up.”

“Wait… you had two?” Vorus asked. “You knew we’d both show up… did you know who I was this whole time?”

“Not the whole time. There’s only one ghost who’d seen me practicing with my keyblades, though, and that’s you.” She pointed her half-eaten ice cream at Vic.

“I guess that’s fair,” she replied before biting into her own ice cream. She made a face. “Ew, what the – why is it salty?”

“Hey, I had to pay you back for kicking my butt somehow,” Tali said with a laugh before scarfing down the rest of her nasty salty ice cream. “And for not telling me. I mean, come on! You create even more chaos than the Phight Club all by yourself and don’t even invite me?”

“You were playing Kingdom Hearts 3, you weren’t even here!”

“Fiiiiiine. Honestly, I’ve gotta say I’m impressed. I didn’t know you had it in you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Vic said, smacking Tali lightly.

“No one saw you much in the Phight Club. You were always behind the scenes. Y’know, maybe I should’ve expected this from you, in hindsight.” She tapped her empty ice cream stick against her chin. “That explains how you could go under the radar for so long. And why the security system didn’t kick out Vorus along with all the other Lexx blogs. She still had your ectosignature.”

“I wondered if you’d catch that,” Vic said. Her own ice cream melted down onto her hand, but she had no intention of finishing it. Instead she let it drip to to the cobblestones far below. “But we should be getting back. I left Lexx and Bug in charge.”

Tali laughed. “Wonder how that’s going.”

“I’m sure they’re fine. The other ghosts listen to them… mostly.” Vic stood, dropped her ice cream off the side of the tower, and held out a hand to help Tali up.

“Rude.” She frowned, accepting the hand. “I would’ve eaten that.”

“Should’ve thought about that before you gave it to me as a prank.” Vic smirked. Vorus handed Tali her half-eaten bar though.

“Hah. At least half of you will be nice to me.” Tali smiled smugly. “Are you two going to merge back together now? Or are you planning on staying like this?”

Vic and Vorus shared a look.

“I don’t know,” Vic said.

“...I kind of like existing,” Vorus added. “Even if I’m just half of a ghost.”

“...We’ll see what happens.”

Tali nodded, and with that they entered the portal back to the ghost zone. Vic would have some explaining to do back at the Denny’s… but at least Tali was okay and didn’t seem to be mad. Even Dots had been pretty forgiving.

It was sad that the Lexxpocalypse had to end, but at least the friendships that she’d made she would get to keep for much longer.

#lexxpocalypse #lexxpocalypsefic #reveal #mod tali #there you have it #it's been fun :D #phandom phight club #dannyphandump vs lexovorus

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themoonandotherslikeit · 5 years

Text

The Daughter of a Righteous Man- Chapter 24

*SEQUEL TO THE LOOK IN HER EYES*

After her husband is drug to Hell, Ava Winchester and her brother in law Sam try their best to do right by Dean and raise her daughter, only to find that good intentions aren’t always enough. Loving someone isnt always enough.

Chapter Twenty-Four, No One Ever Told You

Ella

About sixteen years later

"Truth." I stared at my father in front of me. My favorite person in the world. My rock. He’s a liar. "You owe me that much."

He pulled up the chair from my vanity and turned it so he sat with his legs on either side of the back of the chair. "There's a lot I need to say."

"I'll say."

He frowned, wringing his hands.

"Dad, this letter," I said gesturing to it. "What is she talking about?"

"I should probably start from the beginning,” he said meeting my eyes. "Get comfortable."

I lowered myself back into my bed in a seated position, surrounded by the photos and papers I'd been over examining for the last two days while he'd been gone. "Okay."

"I met your mom on a case."

"She was a hunter?"

"No." He laughed, shaking his head. "She was a detective. A good one. Which made her pretty invaluable to us. She was the niece of your great uncle Bobby, who we already knew. He was like a second father to Sam and I. He would bail us out of jams all the time. This time he was pretending to be our superior officer in the FBI, and she recognized his voice."

"She caught you in a lie."

"Hell yeah she did. She was a spit fire." He met my eyes. "Just like you. Always gettin her nose into something."

I smiled a bit. "You do the same thing."

He shrugged. "Probably. Anyway we worked the case, and even when we told her to stay away... she wouldn't. She ended up getting hurt." His eyes dropped to the letter. "That's when I knew I wouldn't be able to live seeing her hurt. I didn't want her to come with me. I worried if she did she would get hurt."

"Let me guess," I began, finding myself engrossed. "She didn't take no for an answer."

The corner of his mouth tugged up in a smile. "You're exactly right. Sam didn't help, he wanted her to come. If I was being real, I wanted her to come, too. Somehow I knew I'd be better off with her. Just wish I would've seen that she wouldn't be better off with me." He sighed, rubbing his face, the letter crinkling in his hand.

"What do you mean?"

"She went on the road with Sammy and I. I couldn't fight it, ya know? I fell in love with her. She was a great hunter, saved my skin multiple times. She was so beautiful, and we had something between us, something we couldn't fight. We split up for almost a month, but even then we couldn't stay apart. She wasn't just another woman, El. She was my soulmate. Hell, she still is."

I got up and walked to him, squatting to look in his eyes. "Why did she tell you no when you asked her to marry you. If she was your soulmate?"

I looked at my father. He was hurting; I could tell by the wrinkles around his eyes, by the crease on his forehead. The image of him and my mom on their wedding day was burned into my eyes. He deserved to be happy, for once he deserved to be happy, and to find joy. He deserved to not have a fucking arch angel stuck in his head.

He met my eyes. "She died."

"I know that."

"No, sweetheart. She died before that. She was possessed and... and she didn't make it. The demon told me about you. We didn't know she was pregnant and I lost it. I couldn't lose her. I couldn't lose you. I wouldn't."

I frowned, not understanding. "What are you talking about?"

"I made a deal. I made a deal and I didn't tell her. She was dead in my arms. I knew both of you were gone, and I couldn't have it. I made a deal."

"A deal..." I swallowed. I didn't want to believe what he was telling me. "Not a deal, deal?"

"I sold my soul. Fuck, I didn't want you to have to know that... I never wanted you to know that. I don't regret it, though. I never did."

"But you're here..."

"Cas pulled me out, but before that I was given six months."

I covered my mouth. It was too much. "You sacrificed all of that for us?"

He reached out and he held my face. "You're my daughter. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Of course I would, and I'd do it a million times over."

"And you kept it from Mom?"

"Of course." He laughed. "I couldn't tell her. Didn't want to make her mad. Didn't want her to look at me like you're looking at me,” he said touching my nose.

"Sorry," I said quietly. "It's a lot."

"I know, baby girl."

"So what happened next?"

"I asked her to marry me." He laughed. "We were at a wedding, and she looked so beautiful. I knew I never wanted to be without her, and then... then she found out. She was angry. She was betrayed. She wrote that letter to you, and then she told me yes." He smiled. "I didn't do a lot of things right, Nel. I fucked up a lot, but I loved your mom. I loved her more than anything. You girls were my life."

He stood up, scratching his head, blinking away tears. "El... I... I want to tell you everything, but I need to do something first."

"Okay, Dad." I stood up, and he pulled me into his arms. He kissed the top of my head. I could feel his body shaking from the tears he was letting out into my hair. "There's nothing else making you sad, right? Just missing mom?"

"Right,” he mumbled, wiping his eyes. "I'll be back later. Okay?"

I nodded and watched him walk away, knowing full well that he was still lying to me.

Ava

Present

"No way." I said, bouncing Nel on my hip. "You're not leaving."

I walked to Dean and rested my hand over his heart. "We just got you back."

Dean looked from me, to Sam and Cas. "Give us a second, guys?"

They nodded and slipped out of the room. "Ava," he began, taking my hand in both of his, keeping it over his heart. "I didn't tell you... I didn't know how."

"Didn't tell me what?"

"I started this. The apocalypse. I was the first seal... so I have to finish this."

I searched his face. Every freckle. The golden flecks in his green eyes. The love of my life. "Then I'm coming with you."

"I can't let you do that."

"You're my husband, my partner. You're not letting me do anything. I'm not letting you go alone. You're not doing this without me."

He met my eyes gently. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too," I said pulling him close. He wrapped his arms around Nel and I. "I'll see if Lacey will watch Nel."

Dean reached for Nel and pulled her into his arms. "Hi little one. I'm sorry I haven't been around as much as I should've." He pressed his forehead to hers. "But I have to save the world, baby girl. I have to save it for you."

—————————————-

"So you picked the OG Winchester?" Lacey asked, sipping her smoothie.

"He's my soulmate," I said simply. "Sams amazing... but Dean and I were made for each other."

"Does that mean Sam is on the market?" Lacey asked wiggling her eyebrows.

"Come on."

She laughed. "Yeah I'm kidding. Mostly."

"There's... uh... there's more."

"More? Like?"

"Like... the apocalypse." I winced, waiting for a reaction from her.

She pushed her short blonde hair behind her ear and leaned forward. "Excuse me, what?"

"Just like what you think. So I need to ask you a favor. Can you watch Nel?"

"Why?"

"Dean and I... this is our fight. We have to help."

"Help save the world?" Lacey grinned.

"Something like that."

"Well how can I say no?"

I took her hands in mind. "Thank you so much. For everything. You're a good friend."

"The greatest." She winked.

"I'm... I'm kind of worried. This is big, Lace."

"I know,” she said quietly. "Why is it up to you guys to fix it?"

I shook my head. "I guess it's a Winchester thing. Ever since I met the boys they always think it's exclusively up to them to fix everything."

"Is it?"

"This time, it might be."

I looked at my daughter, asleep in her carrier. My heart already ached at the sight of her. I didn't know how long I would be gone, and I knew it would be dangerous.

I rested my palm on her belly as it rose and fell with every breath.

"I won't let anything happen to her," Lacey promised.

"I know. I know you won't. Just... if something happens to me, or to us. If this ends badly I have to know she won't go into the system."

"Hey, don't do that shit. Okay? Y'all are Winchester's, like you said. You will be okay. You'll save the world, and be home before she even notices you're gone."

I smiled a bit. "I hope you're right."

"And if I'm wrong, I won't have lied to you, because I won't let anything happen to her." She said reaching out, putting her hand over mine on Nels stomach.

"Thank you," I said, wiping my eyes.

"In other news," she said leaning in. "How was the makeup sex? Was it amazing? He looks like it'd be amazing."

I felt my cheeks heat up. I'd never had girlfriends so I wasn't used to talking about my sex life. "Honestly, it hasn't happened yet."

"What?! Oh, sweetie," she said, standing up. "I'm starting my babysitting duties early. Go home and be with your man." She said grabbing the carrier. "I'll bring her by later."

"Thanks," I said standing up. I pulled her into a hug. "For everything."

"Don't get all emotional on me, Winchester,” she said hugging me back.

————————————————

Dean was leaned over the trunk of the Impala, organizing the weapons. He analyzed each knife to make sure it was sharp. He counted the bottles of holy water and the bullets. He restocked the salt and oiled the guns. He wiped a bead of sweat off his forehead.

"Hey," I said, approaching him.

"Hey back," he mumbled, not looking up at me.

"Hey," I said, again, touching his shoulder.

He turned to look at me, and I caught him in a kiss, tasting the sweat on his upper lip. He dropped whatever he was holding into the trunk, and he wrapped his arms around me. He pressed his palm to my lower back to hold me pressed against him. His oily hands were probably leaving handprints on my yellow dress, but I didn't care.

I ran my fingers along his scalp and down his neck. His eyelashes fluttered against my face as he sucked on my bottom lip, running his tongue along it. I groaned into his mouth and met his tongue with mine.

"Ava,” he groaned into my mouth, letting his warm breath roll over my lips.

I bit down on his bottom lip, and he winced yanking me closer with force. We pressed so hard against each other, that it became physically impossible for us to be any closer than we were.

He grabbed ahold of my bare thighs and picked me up with one arm. He gripped my thigh in his hand, his callouses scraping against the skin of my inner thigh. I wrapped my legs around his waist, hiking his shirt up.

I scooted closer, pressing against the naked space on his stomach where his shirt was raised. His mouth opened slightly in shock as he realized that I wasn't wearing any panties. I smiled against his mouth and pulled him even closer.

He walked us around the car, his mouth never leaving mine as he threw the back door open. He lowered me into the backseat so I was laying on my back and he was hovering over me. He reached back and pulled his shirt over his head.

I ran my fingers over his chest, trying to memorize the way he looked. He was beautiful. The scar from where Castiel pulled him out of Hell was fading, but still there. I reached up and kissed it gently.

"You're something else, Sweetheart," he murmured, looking down at me. His cheeks were flushed and I could feel his pulse under my lips as I brushed them against his neck.

"Don't call me Sweetheart." I smiled, propping myself up. I undid each button that ran down the middle of my dress, exposing my naked body under it.

His green eyes widened as they looked over every inch of me. "Christ."

I smiled and shrugged out of the dress.

He ran his fingers along my body shaking his head. "How did I get so lucky?"

"The same way I did," I said pulling his face to mine. "I don't want to spend another day without having you."

"Me neither."

"Then take me, damn it," I said, not used to having to ask. Dean wasn't exactly delicate, but he had changed since he was back. Since he admitted what he'd done.

"Yes mam,” he whispered, unbuttoning his pants.

He slid out of his jeans and hovered over me. It was just us in the universe. Us, and the Impala, like we had our own bubble. Even with my sweaty back sticking to the leather, and the car fogging up with our breath. I couldn't have imagined it better. I'd never had a man that knew every inch of me, from the inside out. Dean knew me, and I knew him. We rolled over the edge together, panting, with our heads pressed together. He lingered inside of me for a few minutes of quiet. A few minutes of us being one, before he pulled out and rested his face on my stomach.

"Are you on the pill?" He asked quietly.

"What?"

"Because if not, I definitely just got you pregnant."

I laughed and swatted his shoulder. "Dean Winchester! Don't ruin the moment!"

He smiled up at me cheekily, his eyes half closed lazily. I ran my fingers through his messy hair. He needed a hair cut. "I couldn't ruin it it I wanted too,” he said slowly placing kisses under my breasts. "Plus, I loved you pregnant. I wouldn't mind another baby."

"Easy for you to say," I murmured, running my fingers along his back. "You're not the one who has to get fat and sick."

"You weren't fat,” he said seriously. "You were the most beautiful woman in the world. Still are. Nothin you can do or say could change my mind."

I held his face in my hands. "You're right, you can't ruin the mood," I said pulling him back up to my mouth. "But I won't be pregnant. I am on the pill." I said kissing him softly.

"Sounds like a challenge."

Dean

About 16 years later

I stared at Ava's grave. A fucking polished stone, that's all that was left of the woman who gave me more than anything in the world. It was unfair. It was so fucking wrong.

"Hey, Ave," I said, lowering myself into a seated position. I leaned against the stone, yearning to touch her. "I remember you saying you did this with me when I was gone." I laughed. "Guess it's my turn."

"Nel is asking about you. She found all your stuff... maybe it's fucked up, but it's hard to talk about. All of it. I don't want her to have to experience it. She was so young... that was the only upside."

I shook my head.

"I wonder al the time, how things would've been different. How you would look now. If we would've had another child."

I shook my head, not bothering to fight the tears that were stinging my eyes.

"I do have another son. Not like how you would think... there's never been anyone else." I smiled sideways. "There's no one that can compare to you. You're it. There's just... this kid. Jack. He came to our responsibility, and Cas, Sam, and I are doin our best to raise him. I wish you could meet him. You'd love him. You'd know just what to say."

I laughed humorlessly. "Nel is so good with him. She's a great big sister. Oh and she's dating a girl. Real good one. They're in love." I winced. "She found love, Ave. That's all we ever wanted. She's so fucking smart... she's so much better than I am. She's everything. More than I could've dreamed. I just hope she doesn't hate me once she knows."

I pressed my palm against the headstone. "I hope you don't hate me, too."

—————

Chapter Twenty-Five, This is the First Day of My Life

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mhdiaries · 4 years

Text

Diary of Howleen Wolf

Read my diary and I’ll make you howl!

On the 18th of July

On the 23rd of July

On the 29th of July

On the 30th of July

On the 10th of August

On the 13th of August

On the 18th of August

#monster high #monster high diary #howleen wolf #13 wishes #text post

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eldritchsurveys · 5 years

Text

436.

What is the most annoying thing about your life right now? and how can you change it? >> I can’t really think of anything except, like, being sensory-defensive, which I can’t change.

What was the flavor of the last smoothie you had? >> ---

Do you think you get enough protein? >> I probably do.

What is your favorite time of day to run? >> I don’t run.

How many 5ks have you ran? >> Exactly zero.

What is a current concern of yours right now? >> I don’t have any concerns.

What color shirt are you wearing? >> Black. I’m actually wearing a shirt for once, because it’s chilly tonight.

When was the last time you talked to your mom? >> ---

What's one unpopular opinion you have? >> I don’t have any sense of moral outrage about the existence of paedophiles and I strongly believe that the stigma should be lessened so that they can go to therapy without fearing the dire consequences of revealing their pathology.

What's a dream you've had since childhood that hasn't left you? >> ---

Do you parents crush your dreams? >> ---

What's a show you remember the very first episode of? >> Well, I mean, a lot of shows. I remember the very first episode of American Horror Story because I literally rewatched it yesterday.

Did you sleep in today? >> I don’t sleep in, I just sleep until I’m done sleeping.

Do you hate sleeping in? >> I hate sleeping too much, which usually happens when my sleep is interrupted and my internal clock is all thrown off.

How late do you consider too late to sleep in? >> I don’t like to still be sleeping past like 9a.

What is something of yours that is falling apart? >> I can’t think of anything.

Does your phone have a good camera on it? >> It’s serviceable.

How long have you had a smartphone? >> I’ve had this one for a year. I’ve been using smartphones in general for maybe 5.

How old were you when you got your first smartphone? >> Late 20s.

Do you have a crush on someone right now? >> No.

When was the last time you saw your crush? >> ---

If applicable, what is stopping you from pursuing your crush? >> ---

Did you ever regret letting someone go? >> No.

Who is someone you wish were still in your life? >> ---

When was your due date, and when were you born? >> I don’t know when my due date was. I was born on the 28th of May.

Do you want to have kids? >> Not particularly.

Do you keep lists of names that you like? >> No.

How long does it normally take for you to fill a journal? >> ... It’s weird how many of these questions were on the other survey I just took.

What are you behind on? >> Nothing.

Do you have a good doctor? >> I don’t have a doctor at all.

Do you like to sit on the floor? >> Sometimes, as long as I have back support.

What color is the toolbar at the top of your screen? >> Black.

What website do you usually check first when you get online? >> The first thing I check when I open my browser is the browser extension for my email accounts.

Have you ever butt-dialed someone? >> No.

Have you ever sent a text message to the wrong person by accident? >> No.

What is your favorite type of pizza? >> Veggie or pepperoni.

What is your favorite pizza place? >> Jet’s.

Do you enjoy eating at 50's diners? >> I mean, sure.

What are your favorite girls' names? >> ---

What are your favorite boys' names? >> ---

What do you want to be for Halloween this year? >> I haven’t thought about it.

What do you do to make money? >> I’m on a federal fixed income.

Name someone you know who has everything handed to them. >> I don’t know anyone like that.

Do you know anyone who is spoiled or stuck-up? >> No.

Do you believe life is fair? >> No, and I don’t need it to be.

Have you ever made a fan account on Instagram? >> No.

Have you ever bought a youtuber's merch? >> No.

Name three people you want to meet in Heaven. >> ---

Do you believe in Heaven and Hell? >> I do not.

If so, do you believe you are going to Heaven? >> ---

What was the best time of your life? >> ---

Do you feel loved or appreciated for who you are? >> I don’t think I’ll ever feel that way about anyone outworld, but I always feel that way about inworlders.

What could be the theme song of your life? >> ---

Don't you hate being all alone? (if applicable) >> Not at all.

Do you believe rich people are worth more than those who are poor? >> No.

When was the last time you read the Bible? >> It’s been a few years. I always forget I even own a copy of it.

Do you have any embarrassing health issues? >> No.

What are you longing for? >> Nothing.

Who do you wish you could talk to? >> ---

What was the name of the college you went to? >> I didn’t.

Were your college years the best years of your life? >> ---

Who was your first roommate? >> I don’t remember.

Who lived across the hall from you your first year of college? >> ---

What was your favorite food they served in the Dining Commons? >> ---

Do you consider the lunch ladies your friends? >> ---

Have you ever had a janitorial job? >> No. I’d have a meltdown a minute if I tried to work a job like that.

Have you ever worked in food service? >> Briefly.

What was your first job? >> In food service.

What year did you graduate high school? >> 2004.

What's something of yours that is missing right now? >> Nothing of mine is missing right now.

Do you lose or misplace things a lot? >> No.

Have you ever had a nasty rumor spread about you? >> Yeah.

Has anyone ever tried to ruin your reputation? >> I don’t think I’ve ever had a reputation.

What is your favorite flavor of frosting? >> ---

What is your favorite type of donut? >> Krispy Kreme glazed.

What is the name of your favorite bakery? >> ---

What is your current favorite Starbucks drink? >> ---

Have you ever been to the very first Starbucks in Seattle? >> No.

When was the last time you wrote someone a letter? >> ---

Do you write mostly in cursive or in print? >> Mostly print, because I usually only write longhand when I’m filling out a form or something like that.

Have you ever called a teacher "mom" by mistake? >> No.

Do you like the color of your eyes? >> Sure.

What color are your eyes? >> Dark brown.

What was the name of the street you grew up on (if you don't live there now)? >> Broadway. (Not that one, lol.)

What was the name of the first dorm you lived in? >> ---

What was the name of your first imaginary friend? >> The first inworlder that I can remember is a girl named Clodagh. I must have been about 6 or 7.

Does it still feel like summer where you live? >> Eh, some days. The temperature is kind of up and down.

What is today's date? >> 27 September.

Who's birthday is today? >> Beats me.

What do you usually get for your birthday? >> A daytrip to Chicago. Sometimes a whole weekend.

Who's birthday is coming up next? >> Sparrow’s.

What is the last thing that came in the mail for you from Amazon? >> A pair of shorts.

Do you have a Paypal account? >> Yeah.

Have you ever had a brand or company reach out to you on Instagram? >> No.

What is the last thing you purchased from Etsy? >> A perfume oil.

Do you sell on Etsy? >> No.

What is a childhood dream that hasn't stuck with you? >> ---

What is something you want to change about your life? >> I’m not looking to make any changes right now.

What is one thing you are looking forward to coming up? >> *shrug*

Have you decorated for fall yet? >> I don’t decorate for seasons.

Do you type fast? >> I do.

What color was your bedroom growing up? >> I don’t remember.

Who was your first favorite cartoon character? >> Johnny Bravo, maybe. I didn’t get to watch many cartoons, and in fact, that’s the only one I can remember watching.

Who is your favorite Disney princess? >> Moana.

Do you enjoy typing? >> Sure.

What bank do you use? >> Flagstar.

What grocery store do you shop at the most? >> Meijer.

What is your favorite fast food place? >> I don’t have one.

Do you get sauce on your pizza? >> Yeah.

Do you like hamburgers? >> Sure.

Do you like Coca Cola? >> No.

Do you like McDonald's french fries? >> Sometimes. Sometimes they’re not salty enough.

What color is your hair? >> Dark brown.

Did you get your hair color from your mom, your dad, or a grandparent? >> All of them, I guess.

What is your name (first and middle)? >> Mordred Shadow.

What are some other names your parents' considered when naming you? >> My parents did not name me.

What would you have been named if you had been born the opposite gender? >> ---

Do you prefer tea hot or cold? >> Hot.

What is the best fall drink? >> Apple cider or mulled wine.

Who was the last person you know who had a baby? And what was the baby's name? >> Sparrow’s sister, Liz. The baby’s name is Elliot.

If you had a boy and a girl, what would they be named? >> ---

Do you clean your room often? >> No, I don’t have to clean it that often.

Who taught you how to drive? >> No one. (I don’t drive.)

What color is your dresser? >> White.

Do you have a hope chest? >> No, but I had one as a child.

Do you have a favorite aunt, and if so, who is it? >> ---

Who is your favorite cousin? >> ---

Do you look like your mom? >> ---

What does your middle name rhyme with? >> I don’t know, what does “shadow” rhyme with?

What does your first name mean? >> I don’t feel like copy-pasting that again.

Have you bought next year's calendar yet? >> I don’t buy calendars, although that Bananya... however that shit is spelled... one that I saw recently was tempting, lol.

What year did/will you turn 30? >> I turned 30 in 2017.

Have you found your first gray/white hair yet? >> Yeah, a few years ago.

Is your hair long or short? and which way do you like it best? >> Short. It hasn’t been long since childhood, so.

What's a food that you like, but it makes you feel sick? >> ---

Do you have a problem with needles? >> No.

Have you ever had to use an epi pen? If so, do you get a bruise when you use it? >> No.

Have you ever ridden in an ambulence? >> Yeah, both in the front and the back.

If applicable, what color are your glasses? >> ---

Do you like the name Addison? >> It’s fine.

Is there anything that you regret getting rid of? >> No.

What have you been saving up to by for a while? >> Nothing.

Does anything bother you about your past? >> I mean, sure, if I bother thinking about it.

Do you get bullied on facebook a lot? >> ---

Why do you think people bully others? >> That’s not something I have any insight about.

Have you ever stood up to a bully? >> No.

Do you post on youtube regularly, if you have a channel? >> ---

Which famous person do you think you could be friends with? >> I don’t know enough about any famous person to say.

If you could sit down and talk to anyone for an hour, who would it be? >> ---

Do you own striped tights? >> No.

Have you ever made your own Halloween costume out of clothes from ur closet? >> I mean, clothes from my closet is basically what I wear every Halloween, because I’ve never worn a costume.

Do you own any antique furniture? >> No.

What year were you born? >> 1987.

What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? >> That’s hard to say, I like a lot of them.

Do you set goals for yourself? >> No.

Which country has the coolest flag? >> I don’t know.

Do you like your country's flag? >> No, it’s not that aesthetically pleasing to me.

Which country do you live in? >> USA.

What is your heritage? >> Hm.

When was the last time you received a hug? >> I don’t remember.

Do you believe hugs are necessary for survival? >> If they are, I guess I should be dead.

Do you have anyone who hugs you regularly? >> No, because I prefer not to be hugged frequently (if at all).

Who gives the best hugs? >> I don’t know.

Would you rather have the bottom bunk or top bunk? >> Top.

Window seat or aisle seat? >> Window, always.

Have you ever thrown up on an airplane? >> No.

Have you ever seen anyone else throw up on an airplane? >> No. I’m tempted to believe that’s just a thing that happens in movies, but of course my experience isn’t like... comprehensive or anything.

Have you ever gotten sick in the car? >> No.

What color pen do you write with the most? >> Black.

Do you still wear clothes from the children's section? >> I wear children’s underwear.

What were your favorite stores when you were in high school? >> Hot Topic was one.

Do you watch Bethany Mota on youtube? >> No.

What color is your watch? >> ---

What color was the last pair of flip-flops you wore? >> Black.

What is your favorite season? >> Spring or autumn.

Were you born in your favorite season? >> Spring, yeah.

Have you eaten oatmeal lately? >> No, but now that summer is almost over I will probably start eating it again. (I don’t like eating heavy breakfast foods in warm weather.)

If you have bangs, do you cut them yourself? >> ---

What color was the last cup you drank out of? >> Yellow and white.

Do you enjoy graphic designing? >> I don’t know anymore, I haven’t done it in years.

Do you enjoy editing photos? >> Meh.

What is your favorite app on your phone? >> If we’re going by how often they’re used, Gems of War or CloudLibrary.

Do you answer your phone every time it rings? >> I never answer my phone.

Have you ever called the wrong number? >> Not that I can recall.

Do you usually pick Truth or Dare? >> I don’t play Truth or Dare.

Was your first kiss magical? >> ---

Do you like kissing? >> Not unless it’s inworld.

Who do you want to be best friends with? >> ---

Do you like to decoupage things? >> No.

Do you have a printer? >> Not anymore.

How many tabs are open on your browser right now? >> Two.

Which Internet browser do you use? >> Chrome.

Did you have a Myspace page back in the day? >> I sure did.

Do you miss Myspace bulletins? >> No.

Did you ever learn HTML? >> I used to be pretty proficient at it back when I was on MySpace and Vampirefreaks constantly. I do miss that about the first era of social media -- it encouraged learning how webpages worked so you could get stupid creative with yours. (And, of course, people that used to make Geocities and Angelfire sites had a leg up on all of us late bloomers, lmao.)

Have you ever wanted to start a business? >> Not seriously.

#surveys #survey #random survey

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claire-de-macarune · 5 years

Text

Get ready kids because somebody called for all the Hayley Kiyoko asks

sleepover: have you ever liked a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them? if it was in the past, do you wish that you told them?

Ugghhhh yea. I’ve told some and not others. The current one is rough because she’s straight (?) and we talked about her boy problems and i just wanted her to be happy, so i worked some fairy gaymother magic and now they’re dating which is… yeah.

I just kinda sucked it up and made a playlist into which i deposit all my sad gay pining. It’s about three hours long and Sleepover is the first track.

curious: do you drink? what’s your favourite drink? what drink isn’t your thing?

I am a connoisseur of fine juices. ;)

I’m a big smoothie girl, so a mango smoothie bubble tea is probably my fave. I like sodas or bitter things, for the most part. I’m a wine mom type and definitely think that it will be my alcohol go-to once I’m of age,

girls like girls: what’s your sexuality? how did you discover it? or have you just always known?

I’m a lesbean. :)

My first crush was Daphne from Scooby-Doo (i’ve given you that information, now use it wisely. by which i mean, don’t use it. please god.), so that was a landmark. I kind of always subconsciously know, but growing up I didn’t actually know what being LGBT+ was because my parents never made a big deal about it. We have straight friends, we have gay friends, so I wasn’t aware that sexuality and discourse around it was even a thing until I was around twelve.

feelings: how do you think others perceive you? how do you perceive yourself?

People find me intimidating because I’m confident, intentional, verbose, and organized. That’s how I like it.

I alternate between between our class emotional support animal and class cryptid, and it’s the most fun thing ever. I am both mom and monster muahahaha

gravel to tempo: have you come out to anyone? if yes, who was the first person you told? if no, do you want to? who would you tell first?

I don’t actually remember first coming out to anyone in particular. There was one time when my group of friends (3 other girls) and i were having a sleepover and they were all like, “we’re bi” and i was like “what’s that” and they were like “we like girls too” and i was like “cool. i mean, personally i think boys suck and look like potatoes carved by a toddler and when i entertain the notion of kissing or marrying one i would literally rather eat sandpaper for the rest of my life, but cool” and they were like “how are you so comfortable with this? a lesbian GOD!” and i just went with it.

(for the record, it wasn’t a trendy thing and they were really scared and all felt really gross about it bc their religious families taught them that being gay was wrong and didn’t talk about bisexuality at all so i went out and did some research and came back and assured them that everything they were feelign was valid and okay and we were really safe spaces for each other in that shitty middle school time when everything is just awful. nothing but love and respect for my first priestesses and bi babes!)

pretty girl: who was the most recent crush you had? do you still like them? did you tell them/do you want to tell them?

(see sleepover. this song is also on the playlist.)

what i need: who are your favourite gay artists? what are your favourite gay songs?

Well, Hayley Kiyoko (obviously), Janelle Monae, and King Princess are the big ones. I’m always open to hearing more! Honorable mentions to “Know Your Name” by Mary Lambert, “Crimson and Clover” by Joan Jett, and the soundtrack of Fun Home (even though it’s got some problematic things with predatory gays) because I cry every time I listen to it, especially on “Changing My Major”, “Days and Days and Days”, and fuckin “Telephone Wire” (“Come to the Fun Home” is a whole bop. Only gay in that I, a certified gay, enjoy it.)

ease my mind: what makes you feel at peace? what is your perfect future like? what do you do at the end of a long day to unwind?

Reading, writing (in theory lol), drawing, and singing relax me (dance too, but I’m not allowed to do it anymore cuz I’m broken). I also recently started teaching myself the guitar.

I don’t really have a set perfect future, but honestly, I’d take one in which we avoid nuclear winter, world war III, and climate change. The more I think about growing up, the more skeptical I become about whether I’ll actually get to do it and that’s insanely scary.

let it be: who was your worst heartbreak? have you ever been in love? do you even believe in love?

TW: suicide

One of my best friends (⅓ of my nervous bi darlings) ended her life almost two years ago. So that fuckin’ messed me up.

I don’t know. Usually, I’d say I think I’m kind of young to really even know how, but that’s not quite true. I guess I’ll say that I have loved but I haven’t yet been in love. Theoretically speaking, there’s so much of my life ahead of me that the probability of having that experience so early, especially with a limited romantic pool (being a queer poc in the south), is low.

And I’ve just recently fallen in love with myself, thus heightening my standards. I’ve been awful about getting into relationships in the past because i was afraid of saying no and hurting that person’s feelings, but lately i value my own happiness above the appeasement of others to my detriment. I just feel like I’m still learning and getting comfortable in that space, and the opportunity hasn’t really presented itself yet. But i think that it’s possible, someday. I’m a hopeful hopeless romantic.

cliff’s edge: what’s on your bucket list? where would like to travel? what makes your heart race?

I want to try everything at least once. I want to learn how to be the truest, most fully-realized version of myself I can. I don’t have a set list of life, I just hope it will be some kind of spectacular.

I want to see the world. Everywhere. But beyond that, I want to be a part of it. I want to be a true global citizen, experience a life past myself every day. I dream of having the freedom to continuously explore and grow in hopes of doing some good, internally or externally, along the way.

he’ll never love you: were you ever in denial about your sexuality? were you ever in denial of a crush? do you like to talk about your crushes to your friends?

Not denial, per se, I just didn’t know what was going on. It was a pretty straightforward, comfortable call once I had the information I needed.

I’m able to employ logic in most situations and strip myself of an unwanted crush using that, but most i’m aware of and suffer in silence.

Yesss. I’m bad at making those kinds of decisions by myself and having people who genuinely care ask me questions or even just talk to me about it helps me process. Often, this results in being teased about said crush, but I don’t mind.

wanna be missed: how dependent or independent are you in a relationship? do you like a lot of space, or a lot of intimacy? how do you feel about electronic (vs face to face) communication?

Ummm, I kinda tend to lead, just because that’s what I’m accustomed to. It’s a role I fill because everyone else avoids it in the other arenas of my life, so I’ve mostly been independent and directing in my relationships. This last one actually threw me for a loop because the dynamic was flipped; they were so sweet and thoughtful and proactive in romancing me i didn’t really know what to do with myself. I’ve gotten over the initial shock (now, what, 5? 6 months later?) and found that I liked that too.

I like a healthy balance of distance and closeness. Fun fact: my love languages are quality time and physical touch, so when i’m with someone i pretty much just want to cuddle with them all the time. I don’t know, it really depends on the person and the relationship and whatever is going on with me individually.

I’m cool with digital communication, but i’m also a granny when it comes to technology so I can have a little trouble with more nuanced text/social media culture. Also, my phone is always on silent (not even vibrate, because i’m wacky like that) so if you want an immediate answer, face-to-face is better. Also the physical touch thing, also that way i can read expressions better.

Bonus: i can also hold your hand and kiss your cute face!

under the blue/take me in: are you happy where you are right now? if you could change one thing about your life, what would it be? what’s your favourite aspect of yourself?

I mean, I’d rather not be in constant debilitating pain, I (apparently) have some tangling with anxiety i need to do, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. I’m a lot better than I have been, and I’m grateful for that. I don’t know if true happiness is a consistent, determinable state, but I take what I can get.

I don’t think there’s one big thing I would change. It’s more like a handful of small things. But if I had to choose, I’d fix whatever is wrong with my spine/neck/whatever. I feel like I’m on the cusp of my life finally beginning and I’m trapped by something as trivial as my body. It’s exhausting and I really need it to be over. It feels selfish, but I could do the most good for myself and others if I could put this behind me.

Favorite aspect of myself? That’s like asking me to pick a favorite book! Or child! Impossible: that’s a trick question. Sure, she’s a batshit, messy bitch, but I love myself. She and I are in it for the long run. ;)

palace: who is your favourite memory? what’s your favourite story with/about them? why don’t you two speak anymore?

The first girl I ever loved is mostly a memory now. It’s hard to pick a favorite story about her, but our first kiss story is pretty soft and gay, kind of like something out of a fairytale or a tropey fic, so I guess I’ll say that.

We had just finished seventh grade.

Some background: That April, we went to D.C. for our annual class trip. There were ten of us and only four girls, so we all shared a hotel room (and they were roommates!) We split the beds (we’d all known each other for seven years, it was just like sharing with a sister) and stayed up super late, intermittently playing truth or dare and talking about life. She and I philosophized into the early morning (there was only one bed!!), she told me she liked me, and I fell asleep before I could do anything about it. Apparently, we ended up cuddling, because when I woke up, i was warm because she’d wrapped around me (and drooled down my collarbone, but whatever).

Okay, so, every spring, after graduation, our school had a picnic at the park down by a shallow length of the river where the kids would swim after lunch. We hadn’t done anything about our feelings yet, and I was leaving for another school. She took me around the bend in the river and we swam into the basin there. She wasn’t as strong a swimmer as I was, so she put her arms around my neck, and I held us both up in water deeper than both of us were tall. She said she was going to miss me, and then she kissed me. For a while.

Then, we saw a snake and frantically flailed to shore, laughing until our lungs hurt.

We don’t talk anymore because she became mentally unstable soon after that, and it wasn’t safe for either of us to continue interacting. I’ve seen her a few times since, but I don’t anticipate that we’ll ever be that close again, and that’s okay.

mercy/gatekeeper: what was a difficult time in your life? what did you do/what are you doing to get through it? who has been the most helpful?

molecules: have you ever lost anyone close to you? if yes, how did it feel at the time and how does it feel now to talk about them? do you fear death?

TW: suicide

One of my childhood best friends killed herself in the first month of our freshman year. It was totally out of the blue, and the timing was absolutely horrible. I was just getting everything I wanted, I was having the time of my life and then everything just stopped in its tracks. Except it didn’t. The world kept turning and she was gone and I had lab reports due and she was gone and there were play rehearsal and holidays and deadlines and life incessantly barreling forward and she was gone. I woke every morning with a pit in my stomach, I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat. It was like something had been cut open inside me and life was just pouring out behind me but I couldn’t feel any of it. And no one else around me seemed to care. Every day I felt like I was dying. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t breathe, and everyone else had a smile on their face and laughed like it was nothing and complained about stubbing toes and bad grades and fighting with their parents.

I don’t really know how I got through it. I mean, I went to therapy, but it didn’t really help. I couldn’t talk to people about it, even when I wanted to. I couldn’t cry for the longest time. I wrote about it some. I left her voicemails. I raged through glass recycling. I guess I just trudged on, dragged myself onward because stopping wasn’t an option. Because if I did, even for a moment, I wouldn’t have enough strength to start again.

I’m better now, I guess. I can talk about it and her and I feel mostly human most days, but it’s still a presence in my life I wish I could escape. I still don’t know where they buried her.

I do not fear death.

one bad night: do you like casual or serious relationships? have you ever done anything illegal, wrong, or stupid for the sake of love?

Hoo boy, I’m bad at casual relationships. I get too attached (*feelings plays in the background*), and it becomes serious. Oddly enough, it doesn’t really scare people away. The older I get the further I’ll probably get from playful dalliances, but every once in a while, as the stakes are low, I’m down for just having fun and enjoying someone’s company.

palm dreams: do you like parties or quiet nights in? would you want to/did you stay in your hometown after moving out? what’s your ideal saturday night like?

I am an introverted smol, and big parties make me nervous. I can handle and even enjoy the odd bash here and there, but too many too often wears me out. Smaller groups are better, but my favorite size is a book or maybe one other human.

Nooooooo, man, I am going to college out of state, far away, and I am not moving back here. I love my city dearly, but I need to find my own corner of the sky. :)

I love a night at the theatre, preceded by a quiet dinner with a couple close friends and followed by something sweet, some tea, and reading a good book with my feline.

#answer #s #wow #that took a minute #here #have my life story and emotions #@cremlim #thank you thank you #this was fun #i may or may not have cried #in other news #i love hayley kiyoko #don't mind my inconsistent Capitalization

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