Sol Badguy became a parasite in my brain when he made a bunch of stupid analogies that didn't make any sense that everyone else was too polite to ask for clarification on because I do that too. My brain will make a comparison that makes sense to no one else but me and I have to file an executive order to keep it from coming out of my mouth before I come up with something that's actually coherent first

Saturn conjunct Ascendant

As a 14 degree Pisces rising this was March 12, 2024 to May 8, 2024.

"Bitch wtf is going on????" - me the entire 57 days and it's coming back around in early 2025

Notes from Saturn in Transit - Erin Sullivan

Saturn over the ascendant can be experienced as an extremely dramatic shift from "who you used to be" to "who you will be" but with a rather traumatic period of uncertainty while the no longer useful persona is sloughed off

It’s been a weird timeeeeeee like there’s some things i'm like so excited about that are a “new me” and then there’s some other stuff I’m like 💀💀💀 about and I’m gonna pretend like nothing is happening for a while longer bc this feels like too much change at once 🥲 maybe in 2025 lol my mind has been going nonstop!

The thresholding that is experienced during this time can be a shock to someone who has strongly identified with or has been identified with a particular and definite image

lol I literally introduced myself as an astrologer to someone the other day bc they mentioned astro and me being an attorney never came up and it honestly felt nice 😩 yeah my entire schooling revolved around becoming an attorney but like it doesn’t "feel" like I succeeded at it lmfao and I’m honestly not putting a lot of effort into making it feel like success either so 🙃

Understanding this necessary loss of personal identification greatly reduces stress and allows a more conscious transition into the new self image. The struggle is all about coming to terms with unconscious material in the conscious mind and vice versa

I think so much is happening in my unconscious mind bc I usually remember most of my dreams in complete detail and the last two weeks at least I know I’ve had very longgg detailed dreams but when I wake up I can’t remember it in the part of my brain that can say it into words lol I feel like I’m missing out on messages!

Saturn brings to the ascendant all the manifest experiences and control issues that have dominated the last 14 year extraverted cycle during which the individual learned how to be present and accountable in the conscious world or accomplishments, deeds, and collective goals

"I'm giving myself goals because I don't know what to do with myself if I'm not accomplishing anything." - Me in 2021 a year after getting my law degree lol I feel like it encompasses this whole thing! During this transit I wrote a list of personal goals and they're not outward things like graduation they're more like be consistent with skin care lol the other day I told my aunt I just relaxed and I didn't do anything and she was like if you're so boring why don't you go on a walk and i was like??? I didn't say that?? lol made me not want to say anything else!!

Symbolic of a descent into oneself

When I first read this I was like oooh seems zen 🧘🏾‍♀️ IT WAS NOT ZEN IVE BEEN IN THE TRENCHES!! It feels like too much pressure to know and be like "this is who I am" i just want to be a pisces rising whose personality changes whenever

Notes from Planets in Transit - Robert Hand

You will try to eliminate everything in your life that is not necessary to fulfilling responsibilities

I didn’t do many things just for fun during this time everything had a purpose. I did finish reading two books unfinished from last year and it was in an attempt to spend less time watching videos which worked!

You will become more complex and simpler at the same time

Idkkkk I’m not sure I understand what this even means

You are finishing up tasks going into a 5-8 year period of relatively quiet preparation for a new beginning

I feel like I’ll see this more in 2025 bc right now I don’t really have anything started that needed to be finished lol

You may have less freedom of movement than usual because of the pressure of circumstances and the need to get things done

A week into this I made happy hour plans and I was going to leave work extra early bc I had nothing to do and I got an assignment literally 2 hours before I was going to go! I did finish in 2 hours and went to HH but it was stressful lol

You may have to exert more effort at work in order to get the job done

For real the last month I actually had so much more work at work than usual I was working a full 8 hour day sometimes 😭 usually I have like maybe 8 hours of work a week!

Your superiors may give you even more responsibility than you would choose to have

Facts! The last few days I’ve been essentially training this girl at work and the last day of this transit I finished lol seemed fitting

Do not start out on a completely new project because in a few years you may find that you do not have the material or psychological resources to complete it

This makes me feel like it should be about something big 😂 I have not started any projects lol I did apply to a few jobs but none of them even responded to reject me so that was also unintentionally not started

Good relationships will not suffer but bad ones will break up completely

I feel like Saturn in aqua in my 12H took care of most of the bad relationships already lol so this was fine

You are withdrawing from everything in your life that is in the way of your development during the next few years

Yeah I’ve been more annoyed than usual at people around me who are making the choice to struggle just bc they don’t want to try something new 😩 it’s been making me feel like I can’t be as close to them like it’s contagious 😂

Avoid building a wall between yourself and others because they are important to you now that you are excluding those who do not belong

Yes I’ve been making it a point to actually say yes to events lol but it's hard to keep in contact with people for some reason! I forget to or think that less time has passed and then I check messages and it's been weeks!

This is a productive time

I did get a lot done! I cooked a lot of meals, I washed all my bedding that’s been sitting there since end of last year, I cleaned my fish tank, I cleaned the mildew off my bathroom walls, I put a lot of my clothes away, my recycling pile is way down, I built a storage shelf thing for under my desk, I sewed a skirt, I read and wrote a lot

Follow through on the tasks that need to be done and get your life in shape for the next phase of preparation

I’ve been intentional about this! I made a list of things I want to get out of my saturn return in my 1H and one of those things is clear skin so I’ve been consistent with the routine like actually tracking it on the calendar! Losing weight was another on that list and the last two months I was just focusing on food like getting back into cooking and the last almost 3 weeks I’ve been tracking all my food and even using a food scale. On the last day of this transit I signed up for the gym!

Overall I would give this transit 6/10 😂 the mental anguish was toooo much Omggg I hope it’s easier in 2025 and after that I’m glad I don’t have to deal with this for another 30 years

12 and 57 for the fic ask!

from this ask meme!

12. Do you outline your fics?  If yes, how detailed are your outlines?  How far do you stray from them?

I feel like you know the answer to this but no, I have never outlined a fic. I have a vague sense of direction, but as soon as I start outlining anything it loses all momentum for me. There's no excitement in finding anything new, there's no spontaneity. I literally can't finish a fic if I have written an outline. I like the kind of natural process of finding new things through characters.

Case in point is that the only fic published that I ever wrote an outline for is kiss me and smile for me (I had to look that up lmfao) which will never be finished. But I have a 13 chapter outline written in my drive (that's genuinely illegible even to me lmfao)

57. How conscious are you about including symbolism or foreshadowing in your fics?

Hmmmmm this is harder. Because usually I don't notice until after it's started happening. Like I don't necessarily go in with the intention of 'this one is going to have this kind of symbolism!', it's just that I find something along the way that encapsulates something I'm trying to say with the fic, or represents it, and then I can start incorporating it more fully like a motif.

In Ghosts I actually wrote the scene where Roy discloses to Ted that he used to be suicidal first, which is one of the only times I've written anything out of order (It was just going to be a standalone snippet). But in that scene I randomly wrote that Ted was left standing at the side of the pitch with the ghost of Roy that could have been there in some alternate reality, and that's how the whole theme of ghosts came about, and that's why I incorporated the symbolism of ghosts and drowning into the fic. So like it's spontaneous at first but then conscious, I guess???

I'm not very conscious of foreshadowing, I don't try to do it. Mainly because I don't know where the story is going lmfao.

Answering these asks is weird cause on one hand I'm like nothing is intentional but on the other hand I'm like, ehhhhhh a lot of effort goes into making it character and situation driven rather than plot or author driven.

I feel very bad and in an effort to try and get my brain to disassociate from this mortal realm I am going to tell you all about one of my OCs. if you read this thank you but if it bores you do not worry I do not mind.

okay so today I'm gonna ramble about a guy named Chris Sanders. Chris is 27? iirc I have it written down somewhere. 27 or 28. He's married to his husband Nick, they took Nick's last name (low-key I forgot what his maiden name was lmfao)

They got married on Valentine's Day 2020, but we're engaged like 2018 just some stuff:tm: happened and the wedding had to be held off. It was a funny thing like I had that wedding planned for Valentine's Day and in real life shit was getting co viddy and I made a conscious decision in story to have it be like the last "big" event the characters got to go to before they started staying inside for safety. that's not relevant, anyway.

Chris and Nick actually got together when they were like 14 and 16? Chris met Nick a year before and was very like fairytale love at first site about him. Really he was a 15 year old boy he wasn't thinking logistics other than "boy in my friend group cute."

There's a whole thing with Chris, Josh, and Jay as teens has a weird relationship where Chris was openly gay, Josh hated him for it (Josh is gay/bi? but it takes him 10 years real time to figure it out) Josh and Jay were best friends and Jay was gay but very very in the closet. and the only person who knew Jay was gay was Chris, who were secret friends because Josh hated Chris. Publicaly Chris pretended to hate josh to keep up appearances but in reality Jay had only said good things about Josh so he didn't really mind him. He was just kinda a hormonal teenager, and he liked fighting and Josh kept fighting him lmao.

God there's a lot more here lol like they're friends because the three of them plus a handful of other people, some who literally have died in story since, were in a "school club" together? I'm also keeping the details vague because I wrote them when I was 13 and it's cringe.

You can tell what age I was when I wrote something if you know the ages of any character, cuz me and Nick Sanders are the same age. Derrin is one year older than Nick. Chris is two. Josh, Jay, and Liam are both three, and Collin is five years older. Jay is also actually older than Collin but maybe I'll write about his tragic backstory another night.

But speaking of tragic backstories Chris was born to a single mother, he has a younger brother. neither of them knew their father but they don't care. his mother was decent for a single mother in poverty until he started showing signs of being gay as early as 10. she was super religious so she asked her church what to do and they only suggested various child abuse lmao needless to say Chris was removed by CPS at 13. that's why he knows the rest of the guys cuz they were all in the same "orphanage". his mom wasn't weird to his brother, but his brother has a moral compass and left the house at 18 because he couldn't stand what she did to his brother (he's only like 20 now very baby.)

holy shit remember what I said last night about how everyone is in a duo or a trio? Chris's brother is ALSO in a duo lol I literally do not have a character who exists as a single personality without a friend to be their foil. anyway Chris's brother and Chris are decently close, Chris's brother is trying to make it as a music manager and conveniently Chris is in a band lmao. His brother lives with a friend Josh made during a hospital stay. that's a whole story but essentially he was a cancer patient throughout all his teenage years and it was his first time being 100% free of visiting the hospital at least once a week since he was a child. the band was looking for a place for him to stay because he was scared of living alone and conveniently Chris had an 18 year old brother who needed a roommate. now they're bff's or something.

hey this was supposed to be about Chris but two characters who I don't even remember the names of have taken over

anyway uhhh god I could spout Chris facts for days not even joking. one of the characters who died is essentially a self insert for specifically 13 year old me. like she died before I really became an adult lol. but Chris was her best friend until her death, so for awhile Chris was the character I focused on the most. nowadays that's Josh but I mean Chris and Josh live in the same house so it's not like he doesn't come up often.

right this second Chris and Nick are staying with a musician friend in New York. they're actually fighting because

well

how do I explain this that doesn't go on for a long time

so remember earlier when I said they were part of a school club as teens. well the world actually has a magic system because all good worlds have magic systems. and specifically Josh, the dead girl, Chris, & Jay are some of the best at magic in the entire galaxy and like . cringe at myself but the gang like we're all orphans in some way but they lived in 1 of 4 us based orphanages specifically for magician children. I never use the term wizard they're strictly magicians. magicians also live outside the US it's just other countries don't have weird orphanages. or didn't at the start of the story at least. anyway fuck so idk skipping 10+ years of lore. Chris has a lot of inherit magic skill, but he doesn't practice he stopped right after highschool to focus on their band and music. in highschool every one in the club like saw a private magic tutor but Chris didn't really continue. not that he doesn't do magic all the time like he does, he just doesn't study to learn how to do his magic more efficiently or learn more magic. fuck. anyway Jay DOES still study and stayed with his tutor like 10 years later. and you can tell because Jay has become one of the strongest magicians in the world. of course Josh is the strongest magician ever because of plot conveniences that could be talked about if I was talking about him. but Chris is mega jealous of Jay and angry at himself for not continuing his studies. So one day a random magic being (we have those here) contacts Chris from like a very far away dimension (even this is lore filled and complicated.) he promises to help Chris surpass Jay but he has to wear his super special necklace. the necklace is like logging information on Josh so this being can attack him later but I mean Chris doesn't know that this is like a RIGHT NOW plot. a lot led up to this lmfao. so Nick and Chris are fighting because Chris is suddenly WAY better at magic (Because of the necklace) and because of a lot of unrelated stuff Nick is thinking about moving to California. and he tells Chris and Chris unknowingly mind controls Nick into being happy with where he is now. Because like his magic has gotten so strong that if he wants something he can just mind control people into giving it to him (and unknowingly has been for a few months) but Nick's only magic power is that he can tell when magic is being used (and he only has that power because of another crazy plot where he died lmfao) so he notices pretty quickly that hes being mind controlled and hes pissed. so Chris confesses about the necklace but tells Nick to keep it a secret. Nick tells him he's being stupid and that he needs to get rid of the necklace. Chris doesn't think it's the necklace he thinks he just can't control his new power yet. and after one big fight they're now like both just avoiding talking about it again and being really distant from each other. it's sad rlly I don't like seeing the besties fight 😔 I kinda know how the plot is going to play out but I'll give them time.

idk did you actually learn anything about Chris from this? he's 5'4 he has black hair and it's currently really long so he keeps it in a bun most of the time. he's a death metal singer. hes super masculine and no one questions his height because he comes off as so masculine otherwise lmao. he's really into like 80s and older metal and idolizes rob hellford. he wears pleather a lot cuz he has a leather allergy but thinks leather jacks kick ass. he's definitely like kinda a stereotypical metal head / punk? very like a day to remembers "fast forward to 2012"-core. that's his theme song I just decided.

what else are u supposed to say about a character. since I mentioned magic I can say that his like magic skill set is about defence so he can make giant shields and force fields. he's super important if they ever have to like fight someone which doesnt happen often but does happen.

oh he plays guitar but also like every instrument. I always imagined their band to have a two singer setup where him and Nick switch off or sing together. but I mean most of the band has been doing this 10+ years and can play whatever role so they just do whatever is fun for that night.

uhhhhh idk if I got any more facts on the top of my head. Chris uhhhh played trumpet in highschool band. He speaks fluent Japanese, Spanish, German, and French. Derrin is the only member of the band with a degree but Chris has an honorary degree from some university he donates money too. Chris is like very punk politically active he actually goes to protests and is always talking about causes important to him. he's a good guy but his flaws mostly lie in his jealousy, and he definitely has a little big of an ego lol. he cares too much about looks too imo like he doesn't THINK he does but he does.

but idk big baby man who's hard on outside but heart of gold on inside. do I know how to write any other kind of character?!

omg I didn't even talk about how Chris is disabled. or how he has a vaping problem. that's the problem with having these characters for so long, how the fuck can I reasonably sum them up?

idk but it did work. 😴 good night if u read this far idk why u did but ty there's no payoff. sorry I did not proofread this.

BnHA Chapter 290: It’s Touya Time

Previously on BnHA: Iida and Hadou showed up like a couple of Pennsylvanias and Georgias to bail Shouto out at the last minute. Ochako and Toga had an exceptionally strange fight which consisted of Toga being all “guess what Ochako, I used your quirk to murder someone, how do you feel about that”, and Ochako being all “I do not like that”, to which Toga was all “:(”. There was some doll-stealing and some bookcase-yeeting, and then Toga left in tears because Ochako was all adamant that murder has consequences. Anyway so I have absolutely no idea what Toga is thinking now, but I guess we’ll have some time to stew on it, because we ended the chapter by cutting back to the Iida+Hadou+Shouto VS Afomura battle, which was interrupted by Gigantomachia and the LoV showing up like a bunch of Floridas to ruin everyone’s nice day.

Today on BnHA: Horikoshi hands the mic over to Dabi and is all “take it away, kid.” Over in Room 315 of Musutafu General, Rei is all “may I please watch some TV” and the hospital staff is all “sure”, and so she tunes in just in time to catch Todoroki Touya’s Peabody Award-winning documentary “Number One Hero, Number One Fraud: The Todoroki Enji Story”, which is being broadcast nationwide courtesy of Skeptic and his magic laptop. Meanwhile in Jakku, Dabi is all “I’M TOUYA, BITCHES”, and Shouto and Enji are all, “(゜◇゜ )”, and Dabi is all, “anyway so just to sum it all up, because of how much of a jerk Endeavor was, I am now Evil.” Everyone continues to be all “(ﾟoﾟ)” except for Dabi, who is all “└(˘▾˘┌ )≡ ( ┐˘▾˘)┘≡┗( ˘▾˘)┛≡┏( ˘▾˘)┓≡┗( ˘▾˘)┛” for pretty much the rest of the chapter. Idk. Just let the man have his fun, guys. He’s waited a long time for this.

y’all I have a confession to make. I am technically not spoiled for this chapter thanks to my robustly paranoid system of spoiler-tag-filtering, which is extensive enough that it pretty much will catch whenever someone so much as breathes something even remotely new-chapter-related. that being said, I like to think that I am capable of making basic logical inferences! and so the fact that for the past 36 hours, my dashboard has pretty much nonstop consisted almost entirely of this...

...has led me to conclude that MAYBE, POSSIBLY, PROBABLY, BUT ALSO DEFINITELY, a certain someone is finally going to reveal his ~secret identity~ woop woop. lmao

anyway so everyone, please remember to act surprised though, as we would not want Dabi’s feelings to be hurt at all. he has been planning this moment for the last decade or so and I wouldn’t want him to feel like all of that effort was for naught. so just play along, okay. OH MY, IF IT ISN’T THE LEAGUE OF VILLAINS’ MYSTERIOUS DABI. WHATEVER COULD HIS ARRIVAL POSSIBLY BE HERALDING, I JUST DON’T KNOW

“Dabi’s Dance” lmao. I’m sticking with Touya Time myself. ngl I had this recap title planned out for at least the past year or so. just waiting for that day to finally come

anyway so some people in some building somewhere are all “TURN OFF THE TV IN ROOM 315” and idk. I’m guessing the LoV is hacking the airwaves to livestream the reveal, as predicted

-- oh shit. UHHHHHHHH

did she always have this TV or did she get it just recently?? jfc of all the times for the hospital staff to finally loosen up

um... so that’s... (・＿・；)

well but I mean, she was gonna find out one way or the other at some point though. like you can’t really just keep her locked up and isolated from all news of the outside world forever and ever and ever. granted, this isn’t exactly the ideal way for her to learn this particular bit of information, but it’s not really ideal for anybody else either! EXCEPT DABI, THAT IS. have yourself a day you funky little terrorist

oh shit what is this?? it’s not live???

over in Jakku, a red-faced, sputtering Dabi makes a frantic grab for Skeptic’s laptop. “WAIT, NO, JESUS, NOT THAT TAPE!”

lol. but seriously Dabi are you even wearing a shirt. like I’m not one to slutshame anyone bro, but it’s just, exactly what type of mood were you looking to set here??

anyway so we really are cutting back to Jakku now, and Gigantomachia is all, “MASTERS”! which, I wonder if he really did use the plural? that’s right Machia, both of them in one place now! that sure is convenient for you huh

lol what is this with all this AFO monologuing. you’re really gonna make me read through this when I’m sitting here all sleep-deprived from election week. JUST GET TO THE TOUYAS. WE WERE PROMISED TOUYAS!!

sigh

“tee hee it’s fucking hilarious how goddamn powerful I am now lol”

alas, in spite of myself I do have two serious takeaways from this. one is that AFO is still controlling most of Tomura’s body behind the scenes, which both does and doesn’t bode well for Tomura (like, at least he’s not dying, but the long-term implications of this for his free will and such certainly are not Good). and two is that this confirms that Ujiko did give Tomura at least one powerful mutant quirk, which explains why he was still so deadly and indestructible even when Aizawa was using Erasure on him (since Erasure doesn’t work on mutant quirks, just emitter and transformation ones)

MEANWHILE ON TODAY’S EPISODE OF “TODOROKI SHOUTO’S TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD LIFE”

I like how he doesn’t actually say that he can’t take on Gigantomachia. just that he can’t take on him and Afomura at the same time. that’s confidence, baby. that right there is why you always draft Todoroki Shouto in the first round for your fantasy team

HADOU!!!!

OOOH, TOMURA’S ALL “MAN, THIS GIRL’S WAVE POWERS AND THIS KID’S ICE POWERS ARE A SUPER-STRONG COMBO DAGNABBIT.” YESSS I LIKE THAT, TELL ME MORE ABOUT HOW COOL AND POWERFUL THEY ARE

HOT DAMN LOOK AT THAT

um but not to take away from this exceptionally cool moment or anything, but why is Endeavor dying and shouting “RUN” down there in the corner um

oh

excuse me. not to take away from How Bad This All Is, but!!

just a little, smol, IidaBaku for everyone. Iida, who apparently doesn’t know a damn thing about first aid and is all, “hmm that’s a pretty bad-looking puncture wound he has in his left shoulder there, I think I’ll just let his arm dangle freely like that and I won’t bother taking off his heavy gauntlets either. I mean. he’ll be fine, probably.” smh. at least Shouto probably cauterized the wounds

EXCUSE ME WHAT

TIME FOR MORE OF THAT GOOD OLD FASHIONED SHOUNEN RIDICULOUSNESS I GUESS LMAO. KACCHAN YOU HAVE A HOLE IN YOUR TORSO. THERE IS A HOLE IN YOUR TORSO, AND YOU LOST LIKE FOUR GALLONS OF BLOOD, BUT SURE. “PUT ME DOWN” HE SAYS. FIRST OF ALL, PUTTING ASIDE THE FACT THAT YOU ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT BE CONSCIOUS, THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN GOING TO DO, LIE DOWN AT THEM?? LISTEN, YOU SWEET IDIOT. TAKE HEED, BELOVED DUMBASS!!

ah well. I guess he gets to watch the Touya Show now too then lol

LMAOOOO now Machia’s lifting Tomura carefully in his palm like a broken action figure and Spinner is all “THE FUCK, YOU LOOK LIKE DEATH WARMED OVER”

“oh hey there Spinner. well let’s see, I woke up from my three-month coma and destroyed a city, had my body incinerated, and am currently being possessed by a diabolically evil potato. but please, tell me more about everything you've been through”

AW YISS AND THE FOCUS NOW SHIFTS TO THE TODOROKIS. EVERYTHING IS PROCEEDING EXACTLY AS WE HAVE FORESEEN

Endeavor my dude. it’s as if you want to die here. also holy shit, that bit about his lungs definitely does not bode well for him either

MOTHERFUCKER

GO AHEAD AND SIGN YOUR OWN DEATH CERTIFICATE, WHY DON’T YOU!! FLAGS UPON FLAGS. JESUS CHRIST

meanwhile Dabi’s just waving at ‘em

lmaoooo please oh please Caleb please keep this ‘EYYYYYYY’, it’s fucking perfect kdlshk;hg

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

(ETA: so as you will see very shortly, I completely missed this detail in my first read-through because I was so anxious to get to the reveal page, but THIS MOTHERFUCKER LITERALLY DOUSED HIMSELF WITH INSTANT HAIR DYE REMOVER THAT HE’S JUST BEEN CARRYING AROUND IN A LITTLE HIP POUCH APPRENTLY SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME. MOTHERFUCKER. I HAVE NO WORDS.)

IS THIS THE TIME. IS THIS THE MOMENT?! HERE IT COMES SLKFHS BRACE YERSELVES LADS

EYYYYYYYYYYYY

OKAY EVERYONE JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!! SURPRISED FACES ON THREE! ONE... TWO... (•̪ o •̪) !! okay how was that

LMAO ENDEAVOR

at least Shouto looks properly stunned. Enji just looks like endeavor.exe just straight up stopped working

meanwhile Deku’s out here trying to do the math on this latest surprise family reveal! first Tomura is related to Nana, and now this. what’s next. who are you related to, Spinner. he rips off his boots to reveal engine legs and declares himself Iida’s long-lost uncle

oh shit Touya

it’s as if a million fanworks suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly jossed. who knew that all this time he was secretly sporting a crop top scar

also, THIRTY?! holy shit son you been busy

la la la two-page spread of Touya casually driving the dagger into Endeavor’s hero career and rocking the foundations of hero society as we know it la la la

la la la!!!

OH IS THAT THE END OF THE STORY THEN

almost got confused for a sec. there’s two monologues happening at once here. Endeavor doesn’t even know that his dirty laundry is being aired out nation-wide as we speak ffffff

btw while I appreciate the close-ups of Enji and Shouto here for sure, ngl I would also really love to see everyone else’s reactions right now. SHOW ME BAKUGOU AND THE LOV YOU COWARDS

is his hair actually turning white all of a sudden?? your hair dye just reacts on command??

(ETA: in all seriousness though, the hell kind of hair dye was he using? all he has to do is pour a bottle of that stuff and not even lather it in and it’s just gone just like that?? what the fuck would have have done if it ever rained lmao.

and this motherfucker just goes and leaves the dye remover in afterwards, too. I have never dyed my hair in my life and even I can tell you that’s probably not a good idea, Dabi.)

is this it. is this the legendary Dabi Dance in action. lmfao

oh hey what the fuck

so you figured you’d just murder your innocent younger brother to get revenge on dad, huh. well that’s nice

is that really all there is to the origin story though?? feels like we’re still missing a huge chunk of it. what was it that finally sent him over the edge? or was the trauma of being created as Endeavor’s perfect little hero tool and then being subsequently rejected by him enough on its own? because I’m still kind of confused on the part where he goes from “abused and discarded by his father” to “killed thirty people and was plotting the murder of his own brother” to tell you the truth

(ETA: lmao the initial fandom reaction to this did not disappoint. listen guys. people can be traumatized and shaped by awful circumstances that are completely out of their control, and grow up to be people they wouldn’t have grown up to be if things had been better, and all of that absolutely sucks, but. it doesn’t mean they get a get-out-of-jail-free card for all of their future actions, either! the tragedy of this situation is that terrible things happened to Touya, and he then went on to do terrible things himself. the tragedy of it is that this is exactly how the cycle of abuse keeps repeating itself on and on and on. maybe one of the people Dabi killed had a child who will now grow up traumatized themselves, and potentially go on to pay it forward themselves when they grow up. the tragedy is that the eye-for-an-eye justice that Touya is seeking out won’t actually make anything better in the end. the tragedy is that we understand why Touya is so angry, but that anger has basically warped him into the gleefully sadistic dancing figure we see in this chapter who has stopped caring about anyone else’s pain or suffering and just wants his own revenge.

anyway. basically what I’m trying to say is that it’s possible for the concepts of “Todoroki Touya was an innocent child and a victim of abuse” and “Dabi is a grown-ass motherfucking adult who killed thirty people and PROBABLY NEEDS TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THAT” to coexist lol. like, y’all wanted your moral grey, well HERE YOU GO lmao, eat up.)

lol but LOOK AT THAT BOY DANCE HIS LITTLE HEART OUT though

Todoroki Touya confirmed not a fan of the Endeavor redemption arc huh. well we all saw this coming lols

anyways here’s a sexy Touya for y’all

you really are the most theatrical bitch I s2g lmao

also for real though, what is happening with his hair? anime team in shambles here. they’re probably just gonna double down and keep it red. too bad though cuz this is a surprisingly good look on him

SO MANY CLOSE-UPS OF THE TODOROKI FACES

friendly reminder that Dabi without a doubt REHEARSED this speech like a thousand fucking times. LET US FALL TOGETHER!! COME DANCE WITH YOUR SON IN HELL. apparently if you fake your own death in middle school you will never mentally age past that point and will remain a permanent chuuni

OH LMAO THAT’S THE END

we really just gonna end on “DANCE WITH YOUR SON IN HELL”, huh. very well then. you know what song to play, Horikoshi. one, two... YOU ARE MY DAD. YOU’RE MY DAD!! BOOGIE WOOGIE WOOGIE

hey , when you are free ( only when you're feeling good , i don't want to burden you since you're already in the middle of writing another fic ) can you do a short fic on your interpretation of how both kurt and blaine decided they needed help and went to therapy and how it all played out leading upto s6 where we see them.

you sent me this so long ago and i'm so sorry it took forever. i decided to kind of write two fics? writing kurt and blaine's individual processes felt more natural as separate fics, because they are both in very different places. they got kind of long (i am so sorry - i cannot shut up to save my life lmfao) so i didn't go into the actual therapy sessions, but i can definitely write follow ups that do, if you want!

pretty heavy trigger warnings for depression in both of these. keep that in mind before reading.

i hope you enjoy :)

Blaine is numb.

He doesn’t feel anything. He doesn’t want to feel anything. Everything’s hurt for far longer than he’s been able to bear. It’s finally starting to fade into a slow, steady ache, dull at the edges and no longer as painful, and for that, he is relieved. It’s the kind of hurt that he can tolerate, the kind that just blends into the background, a low buzz that just remains constant.

He just wants to lay here forever. Maybe until the world ends, or his body decomposes, whichever comes first.

It all happened so quickly. Sometimes it feels like someone took a sledgehammer to his life and left it in thousands of tiny pieces. He’s sitting amongst the wreckage, unsure of where to even begin rebuilding. Part of him isn’t sure it’s entirely possible to put back together the smithereens of everything he thought he knew.

The rest of him just doesn’t understand how things got to this point. He doesn’t understand how it happened, how he went from daydreams and decisions about wedding menus, to trying to soften the lump in his throat long enough to deal the last blow. I will never forgive you. I won’t.

I will never forgive you for this.

In the moment, it was all he could do. All of the strength he could summon had been poured into those seven words. He wanted them to hurt, to sting Kurt the way Kurt had stung him, icy hot and merciless. He wanted Kurt to know that it would take more. He wasn’t that easily breakable – at least, not on the outside. He would have the last word, and he would tell it like it was.

He doesn’t know how he could ever forgive Kurt for this.

More important than Kurt, Blaine doesn’t know how he’ll ever forgive himself for the series of bad decisions the past couple of months have dissolved into. Day after day spent in bed, tear tracks drying on his face as he stared at nothing on his walls and tried to keep conscious for a respectable amount of time. He knew it wasn’t a good thing to be sleeping for more hours out of the day than he was awake, but he couldn’t find the energy to do anything else.

Kurt had left.

He was gone.

And Blaine, as much as he tried to fight it, was broken by him. He was broken by the realization that he had put so much of his happiness, so much of himself into his relationship with Kurt and his future wedding, that, now that it had been yanked away, he didn’t know what to do with himself. He didn’t know anything, anymore. His life no longer looked anything like he had envisioned it turning out, and he was forced to live with that. There wasn’t anything he could do.

Kurt doesn’t want him anymore.

There isn’tanything he can do about that.

A part of him isn’t too surprised, if he’s really honest with himself. Things have been different for a while. He’s been scared for a while.

His gut could tell something bad was coming. It was obvious, in the way Kurt moved around the apartment, in the lines of his body in bed at night, the way he was perpetually tensed, stiff with everything he was holding in. Maybe he’d wanted to break up sooner, but held back to preserve Blaine’s feelings.

Blaine isn’t stupid. He knows that that night at the restaurant wasn’t planned. He pushed just the right amount for Kurt to finally blurt out the thing that had had a hold on him. For how long, Blaine isn’t sure, but he knows it had to have been longer than the length of time he kept Kurt waiting at that table.

At least, that’s what he keeps trying to tell himself.

Because the alternative, the biting realization that Kurt hadn’t intended to break up with him, that it just slipped out, something so impulsive yet so final, is too much for Blaine. He doesn’t want it to be true. That isn’t the Kurt he knows. None of this makes sense, but that…that Kurt made the decision to end their relationship, their engagement, so quickly and easily, is too much for him to take.

It was his biggest fear. The thing he kept convincing himself would never happen. Kurt loves you. He always will. He told you he will. He’s not going to leave you. He loves you.

Kurt said he loved him. He said it back, in a moment that Blaine was sure he wouldn’t. But did he? Did he really? The way Blaine sees it, loving someone means fighting for them. Choosing them. Working through the hard things with them.

And Blaine doesn’t know why. He can’t ask. He can only guess. Spend some of these painful hours of consciousness contemplating exactly why he wasn’t good enough for Kurt to stay with. Because the Kurt Hummel he knows is the strongest, toughest fighter he’s ever met. Things had to be dire for him to not even make the effort.

Kurt had finally figured it out. What made him so intolerable, so exhausting to be around. He had realized what he was getting himself into and made a break for it before things could go any deeper. Blaine supposes that is for the best. Get out now, before the papers are signed and things are officially official, before it is much harder to make the break for it.

This is what he’s been scared of, been terrified of, since he and Kurt got back together. And he tried to push it to the back of his mind, because Kurt said yes and invited him to New York and promised to make it safe when he fell. Kurt promised to be there for everything, promised that they belongedto each other, promised that he would never stop loving him.

Blaine wonders when he did.

He wonders when all of this fell apart, how blissfully ignorant and idiotic he must have been not to see it.

How long was Kurt planning to do this? How long was he thinking about it? How long did he keep this to himself, wake up next to Blaine and kiss him goodbye every morning, knowing he was holding onto to the mother of secrets that had the power to destroy everything? Why did he get to be the one making that unilateral decision about their relationship?

Kurt controlled whether they got engaged or not, and Kurt controlled how it ended.

It was all up to him.

Blaine just had to hope they were on the same page about everything, and now it’s clear that they weren’t.

He’s so tired of other people getting to make decisions about his life, and leaving him to deal with the wreckage of their choices. He’s tired of not having any control. He doesn’t know how he ended up here. His life doesn’t feel like his anymore.

Madame Tibideaux had decided that he wasn’t worthy of another year at NYADA, that his emotions weren’t a good enough excuse for the quality - or lack thereof - of his work. It didn’t matter what he was feeling, or how bad it hurt. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t like every other person who could channel their pain into their art. It didn’t matter that he’d been doing it for as long as he could remember, feeling through every lyric he sang, every performance he gave. The cup had to dry up eventually. Something had to happen that was too bad, too painful, for him to sing his way out of. It wasn’t his fault. He’d tried so hard, given everything he could.

It didn’t matter that he desperately, desperately needed someone to see him. Not the things he produced, not the contributions he would make to a performance, him. His real self. The part that no one seemed to want.

It didn’t matter that Blaine Warbler felt like a lie he’d forgotten how to live years ago. He remembers grappling for it, trying to tug on the same mask he’d donned after the Sadie Hawkins dance, turn off his emotions and shift into autopilot, sing and dance and perform like he didn’t wish he could stop existing in that moment.

None of it mattered.

Blaine was just not good enough for NYADA, like he was not good enough for Kurt. He should’ve realized it sooner. It’s his own fault he didn’t.

“Honey?”

Blaine startles at the voice, jolting upward in bed and blinking rapidly against the sunlight pouring into his room. “Huh?”

“I brought you a little something to eat.” His mom sets a plate of buttered toast and a glass of water on his nightstand, and then leans down to drop a kiss against his head. “How are you feeling?”

“I don’t know,” he mumbles honestly. He doesn’t want to lie to her. “Tired, I guess.”

“Sam called the house again,” she says. She takes a seat on the edge of his bed and reaches out to brush a hand through his hair. “He left a message, said you haven’t been picking up your cell. He’s worried, Blaine. I’m sure Tina is too.”

Blaine winces, dropping his gaze down to his blankets. Just one more thing you’re sucking at lately.

He hasn’t called Sam or Tina since he got back to Lima. At first, he was too ashamed to tell them the truth, although he knows that Sam is probably aware of what happened. Kurt and Mercedes talk, and even though Sam isn’t with her anymore, he knows that he and Mercedes are still very close. Sam’s been blowing up his phone for weeks. He sent a perfunctory, “back home for a while, but going to be really busy for a while” text, so Sam wouldn’t assume he was ignoring him, but he’s sure Sam has long figured out it was a lie.

“You don’t have to call him back until you’re ready,” his mom tells him. “But I do think he’d love to hear from you, baby. He could come over and keep you company, play some video games, you could-”

“No,” he mutters, shaking his head. “I don’t want him to come over.”

“Why not?”

I just don’t,” he manages. I don’t want him to see me like this.

I don’t want him to be mad at Kurt.

I don’t even know if I want to be mad at Kurt anymore. All of this is just so exhausting.

“Have you given any more thought to what we talked about a while ago?”

Blaine snaps his head up to meet her eyes. “You- no, mom. I’m fine, I promise. I just need a couple more days to…” He trails off with a sigh. To what? Wallow in his sadness? Sleep away and accomplish nothing? He hasn’t been the slightest bit productive since he left New York. It feels like he used up all his energy packing up and moving home.

That was over a month ago, and he still hasn’t recovered from it.

“It’s not really a matter of being fine, sweetheart. You know that. I just think talking about it might-”

“I don’t want to talk about it!” He snaps. And then he watches her face shift and crumples, lump in his throat throbbing as he squeezes his eyes shut. “I’m- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”

A pair of hands reaches for him, and he lets himself go, lets her pull him into a hug and buries his face in the crook of her neck. He takes a deep breath, and then another, hot tears burning at his eyes.

He doesn’t want to cry anymore. He feels like he’s done nothing but cry about this. He doesn’t know how he still has tears left.

“I know,” she murmurs, rubbing his back. “And I know you don’t think it’ll help. But you might be surprised, Blaine. I just think you should give it a chance. Get yourself back on your feet and feeling a little better, hm?”

She presses another kiss to the top of his head and props him back against his pillows. “You don’t have to make a decision right now. Just think about it, okay?”

“Okay,” he chokes out.

“I’m just going to be downstairs doing some work. Let me know if you want another piece of toast, all right?”

At his nod, she makes her way out of his room, and Blaine slumps back against his headboard, still fighting tears.

She’s probably right. It would help, far more than it would hurt. His mom has been a proponent of him seeing someone ever since Sadie Hawkins. He insisted he’d be okay then, and, seeing his distress, she didn’t push too hard for it. He knows she regrets that now, knows she blames herself for things getting as bad as they have. If he had gone, back then, maybe they would’ve been able to address some of this before it turned so bad.

But talking means talking about everything. About the dance, and meeting Kurt, and it going from so good to so bad, in such a short amount of time. It means talking about the things he hoped would stay buried, the ways in which he and Kurt were not perfect, his tendency to latch onto things and cling to them, tighter than he probably should have.

He isn’t sure he’s ready to think about more than how angry he is, or how much this hurts. He isn’t sure he’s ready to move out of this stage of staying in bed and not facing the world, holing up in his childhood bedroom and not confronting the life that he feels like he put on pause a month ago. He knows things are different now. He just isn’t sure he’s ready to see how much everything’s changed.

He doesn’t feel like he’s ready to move past all of this, but he knows he needs to.

He knows he needs to leave all of this behind, to start talking about it and thinking about it and rebuilding the pieces of his mess of a life. Otherwise, he’s destined to feel like this forever.

And that scares him even more.

---

Kurt is exhausted.

And if he’s really honest with himself, he’s felt this tiredness for a while now, become so accustomed to it that it feels like he’s leeched it into part of his personality, taken on the ache in his chest and the heaviness of his bones like a jacket with rocks in the pockets, weighing him down with every step he tries to take.

It’s the kind of tired that feels consuming, quicksand that swallows him the more he tries to get out of it. The kind that makes him feel like he’s running on empty, with no sign of a gas station for miles, the kind of tired that makes every day, every action, every conversation, feel like too much.

Part of him thought that this would stop once he ended things with Blaine. He didn’t want to go there. He never wanted to believe that Blaine could be the reason for all of this. How could the person that made him feel so, so loved and safe on his worst days also be the person that made him feel like this? It just didn’t make sense.

It never felt true, but the thought continued to linger, and with every passing day, ate more and more away at him. He tried not to spend too much time in that place. It hurt too much to think about until he was blurting out the words he didn’t even plan on saying.

And then, everything changed.

The breath it allowed him to take, the exhale, didn’t last long. Instead, he’s left with the image of Blaine’s crumpled, heartbroken expression every time he closes his eyes, the I will never forgive you for this playing on loop in his head every time he tries to think about what it could mean going forward.

That was it.

He ruined it.

He drove Blaine away for good.

Kurt remembers the day it happened so clearly. Getting home after a long day of classes, worn out and ravenous, only to be greeted by Blaine’s key to the loft sitting on the kitchen table. He’d sent Kurt a text that had far too many periods and was capitalized in all the right places – which, Blaine usually tended to do, but never in his life had Kurt read a message from him that felt so stiff and robotic and formal – about the rest of his portion of rent and bills for the month.

Blaine was gone.

Really, really gone.

And Kurt was alone, feeling further and further away from the people that loved him with each passing day.

In the beginning, he thought that was what he needed. Time away. A chance to be by himself and reevaluate the decisions he’d made over the past year. Crunch the numbers and figure out if Blaine remained in the equation by the end. He just wanted to be certain, be sure, that he wasn’t opening himself up to be hurt again. He wasn’t sure he could take it one more time, give his heart back to Blaine only to have it dropped, shattered like a stone.

He just wanted to feel safe.

He wanted to be sure of it, sure that he could let his heart go, run wild and free like it did in the common room, racing toward the boy with the beautiful voice who had held his hand and made him feel seen for the first time in his life. He wanted it to feel like that again. Untethered, too strong to control, defying each doubt with that wave of invincibility. So pure and open, expansive with all of the potential, broken parts shaved off to make room for the newness.

Maybe he just wasn’t meant to have that with Blaine, he’d thought. Maybe Blaine was supposed to be a bridge that helped him on the road to finding that. Maybe he’d meet someone else that would make him feel like Blaine first had, someone else that would make him feel weightless.

He tries to just go for it, to let it happen, but it never does. It never feels right, never the kind of right that it felt with Blaine. He lets Elliott set him up with friends that the other deems perfect, just your type, and feels nothing.

He tries speed dating, and starts getting more serious about Tindr. He matches with a few guys, goes on a couple of dates, flirts and reciprocates and tries, to let himself fall headfirst. It’s fun. Every date is a good time. They’re warm and light and exploding with newness. But the sparks die out after the first twenty minutes and then Kurt finds himself back in his head, thinking about hair gel and bowties and nonfat mochas, intertwined hands and the insides of coffee shops, the way it all felt like the safest home he’s ever known.

And he hates it, he hates that he feels nothing. He hates that his heart belongs to the hair gel and the bowties, because he fucked that up. He ruined that.

Kurt goes to class, goes to work, and comes home. Sometimes he sees Elliott, and sometimes he stays past his shift to chat with Artie at the diner, but otherwise, he spends every day the same. Sitting and staring through shows on TV, shoving spoonful after spoonful of ice cream in his mouth, and trying desperately to turn his brain off. Trying desperately not to wade into the murky waters of every moment that led up to that night.

I will never forgive you for this.

The realization slaps him in the face.

He’s trying to move on, and then he’s crying in public, humiliating himself in front of a perfectly good Tindr match, overcome with the sheer magnitude of the words that came out of his mouth so many months ago. It hadn’t hit him until then, how insistent, how cruel he had been in the moment. How he had the power to turn Blaine from light and warm and excited, to completely and utterly broken, in the span of a single conversation.

He did that.

And sure, it wasn’t just about toothpaste and towels and Blaine’s newfound habit of tardiness, sure, there was so much painful and deep and wrong underneath the surface. Sure, Kurt had had doubts ever since the car ride and the non-surprise of a proposal, sure, it would have come to the light sooner or later, sure, he was just speeding up the process.

But never in his life has he been so disgusted in himself. Never in his life has he gone back over a moment so many times in his head, wished he could turn back time and that 20/20 happened before hindsight and that he could see the future of misery he’d end up in and not decide to ruin the best thing that had ever happened to him.

They could’ve talked about it. Blaine is one of the most understanding people Kurt has ever met. He would’ve absolutely been open to something like that. One of Kurt’s favorite things about him is that kindness, that space for grace he is able to hold for others.

Talk to me. Tell me you’re unhappy.

We’ve been putting this off for far too long.

Don’t you think we should have the talk?

Wait, Kurt, let’s talk about this.

Blaine always wanted to talk. It was how he felt safe, Kurt is realizing. Blaine wanted the words, the vocalization that everything was okay in that real and concrete way. It was how he grounded himself.

Kurt’s never been one for talking. He keeps his feelings close to his chest, locked up tight. He knows they’re not what people want to hear. They’re messy, and don’t always make sense. Sometimes they feel like the worst parts of him all bundled up into one, complete with pieces of him that haven’t fully left the horrors of high school behind.

Talking about them is effort he doesn’t have to exert. He’ll be opening Pandora’s box with no way to contain the contents. He doesn’t necessarily want to know how the people in his life feel about him. He doesn’t want to hear what they have to say. It scares him too much. There’s just no reason to ruin a perfectly good foundation by having conversations that uncover all of the cracks.

No, it’s better to drop a bomb on the entire thing and destroy it in one fell swoop.

He sometimes feels like he’d fallen asleep after Finn died and is only now being wrenched out of his nightmare, waking into a world that is far different than when he left it. Everything’s been on pause for so long. Hitting play feels like coming back to a reality he barely recognizes. A person he barely recognizes.

He hadn’t realized how much he didn’t like himself until there was nothing to distract from it. And maybe it isn’t his entire self, per say, but who he’s turned into. The person that’s been morphed together after the tiring, tumultuous year they’d all had. The stress, the anxiety, the exhaustion, personified. Even the littlest things – the tiny, stupid, don’t matter in the grand scheme of it, things – make him angry.

He’s been living on fumes for too long and everything feels like it’s at a breaking point. He’s trying to hold on to the reins, but they’re slipping out of his hands too quickly and he’s too tired to keep running to catch up. His life feels like it’s unraveling and it scares him, because he has never been this person. He has never been unable to keep going, unable to push through, to carry on, put all his stock into the rainbow on the other side and his nose down until he reaches it.

But everything that’s happened in the past few years, high school, and Karofsky, and all the little things he let go, all the things he said were okay and tried to move past and eventually decided didn’t mean anything anymore, never truly went away. They laid dormant for a while, so much so that he’d just about forgotten about them, until they decided to come back with a vengeance. Like he’s being reminded of how messed up his life is, because for once, hewas the one to cause it.

He’s spent so long being too gay, or too fragile, or too feminine, to get the things that he really wants. There’s always been something he couldn’t control, something inherently wrong with him, which keeps him from getting anything on the first try. It always takes extra work, extra effort, the need to prove that he does deserve it and has earned the role, or the solo, or the opportunity that is almost inevitably given up to someone else.

Maybe a small part of him thought that Blaine would be like that too.

The proposal wouldn’t be enough to propel them into a lifetime of happiness.

It couldn’t be that easy.

He wouldn’t get to be that happy.

There is so much wrong with him. Kurt knows that. He knows he can be bitchy, sometimes cold, often not someone that’s easy to get close to. He knows he has a tendency to hold everything in until he reaches a breaking point and lashes out.

He knows he’s angry. He knows he’s in pain.

And he knows Blaine didn’t need to see any of it, didn’t deserve any of it. Blaine was too good, too warm, too unimaginably kind, to deserve these parts of him. He didn’t want their relationship to turn into it, go sour and stunted until Blaine began to resent him.

Blaine loved him anyway. In spite of everything. Blaine’s capacity for love was so massive and unlimited, and Kurt couldn’t understand it. Blaine wanted to work on things, always, and Kurt didn’t understand that, either. He’s spent his entire life trying desperately to be okay, to be enough, for people, to not be a problem they will one day resent solving and decide to abandon by the side of the road. People don’t want a mess. They don’t want someone who’s broken. They don’t want to be there when the going gets bad.

But everything is just so much, and Kurt has never been more tired of fighting.

He can’t hide it anymore. Can’t compress it down and pretend it isn’t happening. A recent study session with Elliott turned into a minor – he would deem minor, although Elliott would definitely evaluate it way worse – breakdown over one of his theory papers. What should’ve been some simple frustration over his inability to phrase his argument was instead far more loaded, the depths of his anger and stress seeping through, unable to be contained.

Maybe talking is – finally – what he needs. He’s tried everything else.

He reaches over and into the pocket of the jacket he wore a couple days ago, and pulls out the card Elliott pushed into his hand as they left the coffee shop. For the therapist I used to see when I first got to the city, Elliott had told him. She really helped me sort through some stuff, and I know she can help you too.

Call, he had urged quietly. Please, Kurt. It doesn’t have to be like this.

It isn’t the first time Elliott’s brought up seeing a therapist. That was his first suggestion when Kurt broke the news of his and Blaine’s breakup. Kurt had ignored him then, insisted that the breakup was all he needed. He’d be fine.

But the lump in his throat has been there for weeks, and he is so tired of being on the verge of tears all the time.

That’s what he tells himself, as he grabs his phone. His fingers shake as he puts in the number and presses ���call’.

He’s so tired of being tired.

early riser

summary: shane unknowingly puts in a little effort--until he realizes who he’s doing it for 

pairing: shane x fem!farmer

word count: 895

warnings: mentions of food

a/n: just a lil blurb i had written awhile back that i totally forgot about lmfao. loosely based on a post about shane i had seen. enjoy babies! 

Shane was never an early riser, not even when he was younger. He cherished his sleep, and he always hit the snooze on his alarm clock one too many times. 

This morning was different. He was wide awake as his alarm went off, and with an unusual eagerness, he rolled out of bed and got into the shower. He felt calm--on any other day he’d have the jitters from going too long without something to drink. But as he stood under the water, he looked at his hands outstretched in front of him--completely still. 

Shane toweled off and got dressed for work, slipping on his blue uniform. He looked at himself in the mirror and frowned at the state of his hair, opting to run a comb through it. He tilted his head as he stared at his reflection--did his hair always look this good when he brushed it? 

He pulled the medicine cabinet open and searched for that old bottle of cologne he knew he owned. After finding it tucked away behind a box of Band-Aids, he spritzed some on his neck and wrists. 

“Shane!” he heard Marnie call from the kitchen. “Come eat some breakfast before you leave for work!” 

He flicked the light off in the bathroom and entered the kitchen, seating himself beside Jas at the table. 

“You smell funny,” she teased, wrinkling her nose. 

Marnie turned around and placed a plate of eggs and bacon in front of Shane. She noticed his brushed hair, unwrinkled uniform, and his cologne. “My, my--who are we looking so nice for today?” 

“What?” Shane asked through a mouthful of bacon. 

Marnie raised an eyebrow at him and gave a sly smile. “Alright, I’ll play dumb.” 

He frowned, and looked down at himself. “This is how I always look.” 

“You never brush your hair,” Jas said, hopping down from her chair and taking her plate to the sink. “You just want to look good for the farmer.” 

Shane’s cheeks blushed a deep, furious red. “I-I am not! I don’t even--she--” Was it possible he did all of this without realizing what he was actually doing? Why did his heart suddenly start beating faster at the thought of the farmer seeing him today? 

“Oh, leave him alone,” Marnie scolded her, and shooed her out of the kitchen. She took a seat next to Shane, and patted his hand. “Ignore Jas...I think it’s very sweet that you want to look nice for the farmer.” 

“I didn’t do it for her,” Shane scowled into his breakfast. “Like she’d ever go for a guy like me, anyway.” 

Marnie gave her nephew a sympathetic look, and squeezed his shoulder. “Don’t be too hard on yourself, honey.” 

She disappeared out to the front counter to begin her day, leaving him alone at the table--suddenly feeling self-conscious once again. He wanted to mess his hair up again, scrub the cologne off, and just go back to the way everything used to be. 

As he pushed the last of his eggs around on his plate, he heard the familiar jingle as someone came into the shop. Well--everyone else is starting their day, he thought to himself, might as well start mine. 

He left his dishes in the sink and left the kitchen, prepared to say goodbye to Marnie. However, he stopped in his tracks in the doorway, eyes landing on the farmer. She was wearing her straw hat, her long hair pulled back out of her face. She wore her overalls again, with a pink top underneath. Her feet were bare against the wooden floorboards, as was her custom in the spring and summertime. 

“Oh, hi,” she greeted him warmly, smiling at him. “You’re up early today.” 

“Yeah, I--uh, have to work,” he stumbled over his words. 

“Me too!” she laughed, pushing a stack of coins over the counter to Marnie, who was not-so-discreetly wiggling her eyebrows at him. “I’ve been saving up for a new heater for my chicken coop.” 

Shane’s heart melted at the love she had for her chickens. “It does get pretty cold in the winter.” 

“Oh, before I forget,” the farmer leaned over and pulled something from her basket. It was a plate covered by a cloth, and she held it out to him. “I’ve been trying to perfect the recipe for a while now.” 

Shane took the plate from her hands, his fingers just barely grazing hers. He lifted the cloth and peeked underneath--and his jaw went slack. 

“Are these...pepper poppers?” he said, completely in awe. 

“Yep!” she replied happily. “I was told they were your favorite.” 

“They are!” Shane exclaimed. “Oh man, I could only get these from Gus every other week--thank you so much.” 

“It’s no problem! Let me know when you run out and I’ll make you some more.” The farmer picked up her basket and smiled at Marnie. “No rush on that heater--we still have to get through the summer.” 

“No worries,” Marnie replied, waving to her. “Don’t be a stranger.” 

The farmer waved goodbye to both of them, and disappeared out the door. There was a moment of silence as Shane stared at the plate of poppers in his hands. 

“Boy,” Marnie snapped, her finger pointed at him. “If you don’t marry her, I will.” 

“Don’t worry,” Shane murmured, the image of the farmer’s sunkissed cheeks and beautiful smile still fresh in his mind. “I will.” 

Arrows & Accidents

Request: Can I request an Ezio imagine with a gender neutral or male reader where the reader is or was a student of Ezio's and has gotten themselves injured.

Warnings: Violence, graphic detail of wound/treatment, swearing in Italian, LOTS of Italian lmfao (translations at the end)

Tagging: @marshmallow--3​ / @yourlocalfrenchie​ (I know it’s a male reader but I still tagged you guys jic)

13/06/2020: Lmao I almost killed you guys… oops. Also, this is 2.9K -- I spent all day on this because once I sorted out the plot, everything else was just *chef’s kiss* hope you enjoy!

Requested by @timbreavery​

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“You need to hit harder, Y/N.” Ezio reflected your blade effortlessly. 

“I don’t want to hurt you by mistake.”

“Who says you’ll hurt me?” He smirked, twirling his sword with a flair. 

You nodded in affirmation, and began to hail a stronger assault. Although it wasn’t enough to overwhelm Ezio, it was certainly stronger than before.

On a defensive hit, his sword sent yours flying across the training ground. “A better effort, mi amico,” he nodded approvingly. 

“Pfft.” You scoffed, going to pick up your discarded weapon. In the seconds you weren’t looking, an unknown force came into contact with your back, sending you flying to the floor and away from your sword. You laid still when you felt a blade come into contact with the back of your neck. 

“Mario is sending you on a mission which I don’t agree with. Personalmente, you do not have the experience. So you need to be ready, Y/N, or you will get hurt.” 

When he was finished, you grabbed his wrist and forcefully brought the heel of your boot into his back. It allowed you to move the blade away from your neck. With Ezio’s balance compromised, you pushed into him until he hit the ground beside you, your arm pressing against his neck and pinning his arm beside him. 

“I think I’ll be fine, Ezio.” You released him and offered a hand to help him up before readying your retrieved blade. 

“Ora, un altro?”

----------

As the sun began to set, approached the site that overran itself with Templars. Your target was the Captain, who was hiding in the area. Although it was littered in ruins, you knew the general location of him, and you were ready to bring an end to his havoc. There is rarely a proper way to prepare one to end another’s life, and normally you would avoid it at all costs, but when the end of one life could bring freedom to many, it was hard to debate the argument of life for someone so evil. 

Slowly, you weaved your way in between pillars. There were so many ways you could lose the upper hand, and so you kept vigilant when you moved. As you peered around the column, you saw him. He was patrolling with four other guards, and after assessing the situation, you weighed your options: 

You could use a throwing knife on your target and a smoke bomb to distract. 

To be more accurate, you could use a smoke bomb and charge in, hidden blade unsheathed. 

“Assassino!”

Oh, great. 

As guards unsheathed their swords and crossbows, you pointed your gauntlet at your target and let a bullet fly. As soon as the bang erupted in the air, you felt something pierce your abdomen, the force of it sending you backwards to the ground. 

Although your target got hit in the neck, you were equally as compromised in your side.

Before they could get too close, you scrambled to your feet and vaulted over a small wall, keeping your hand pressed against the wound on your waist. You kept obstacles between you and your opponents, knowing that the only way to survive was to escape. As you reached the edge of the ruins, you spotted a horse grazing on some hay. Wasting no time, you mounted the white mare, kicking your heels into her ribs as she took off towards the city. 

You had one hand holding the reins as the other reached for the foreign object embedded in your muscle; it was an arrow. Grasping the shaft, you snapped it in half, wincing as it shifted under your skin. 

As you reached the city, you began to turn harsh corners to stay out of your pursuers’ line of sight. Once you deemed it far enough away, you dismounted and hit your stolen steed on the flank, making sure she fled through the streets. Eyeing a side alley, you slipped between flailing drunkards before turning one last corner, fully out of sight. Moving like you had had caused the arrowhead to move, and in doing so your robes were coloured more with crimson than with its original white. You slid down against the wall clutching your wound, needing to slow the world as it spun around you. The adrenaline was wearing off and the pain was increasing tenfold. Feeling the blood soak your palm, you toyed with the idea of pulling it out to save your flesh from tearing more (or to bring death faster).

You knew you had to get back to Tiber Island, but you were sure that you’d draw too much unwanted attention to yourself if you took the main roads, and would almost certainly collapse without a horse. You rested your head against the bricks, willing an idea to pop into your clouded brain. 

Small thuds beside you caught your attention, and you turned your head to see a group of thieves land next you. One of them, who was probably the one in charge, pulled your hood off your head, taking in your features; pale, sweaty, barely conscious. “It’s Y/N!” He exclaimed. His eyes turned to the others. “Riccardo, get Ezio. Tell him that we’re bringing him to La Volpe Addormentata. Sbrigatevi!” One of the leanest nodded his head and took off running down the alleys. “Ora,” he spoke softer now. “Aiutami con lui.” 

Two of them grabbed your arms and lifted you to your unsteady feet. The movement stretched your side. “Agh!” Your legs buckled, and your sudden dead weight pulled everyone to their knees. 

“Mio Dio,” the leader uttered. “You! Get a horse!” You heard as feet thundered against cobblestones. “Y/N, you must move.” You looked at him in anguish; he seemed twice your age, and had a fatherly look of trust in his eye. 

“Non posso…” The crimson had spread from your waist and was not being absorbed by the fabric anymore, dripping onto the ground. 

“Yes, you can; just to the main street.” You could vaguely hear horses in front of you at the end of the alley. 

You took a deep breath, calming yourself, before you nodded weakly, head hanging low. Step by step, you were half dragged to the mouth of the alleyway. Someone was already mounted on the horse as you were being hoisted in the saddle. It was a mercenary, much bigger than you, and you held on tight to the saddle with one hand as you were sent off galloping down the street, a small entourage following you. With every bump in the saddle, an ache pounded in your head; you were having trouble keeping awake, but the harsh movements wouldn’t let you go under. 

You weren’t very aware of your surroundings when the horse came to a stop. Sitting firm, you waited for the mercenary behind you to dismount, and you attempted to follow suit. Tripping in the stirrups, the impact of the floor sent your mind reeling, your foot getting trapped in the metal. Pain radiated through your body as you fell on the protruding arrow shaft. Groaning, you weakly pushed yourself up to your hands and knees, dazed and confused. “Andiamo, ragazzo.” Multiple hands heaved you off of the dirt ridden paths, hauling you up the stairs and into the Thieves’ Headquarters.

“La Volpe!” The hooded man revealed himself by the entrance. 

His eyes assessed the situation in a second. “Bring him into the back.” People parted quickly to make space for you all to make it through. “Put him on the table.” You were turned to sit down, before slowly being lowered to lie against the wood. 

Finally being out of the streets and safe in your surroundings, you allowed yourself to relax, to close your eyes, to maybe spend a few moments asleep… 

“Y/N.” Someone patting your cheek got your eyes to reluctantly open. “Leonardo and Ezio are here.” 

Leonardo?

You swallowed thickly, not having the energy to respond other than letting your head roll to the side. As they came in, you could half-make out what they were saying. “Those doctors… will be of no use to us… I know my way around a wound.” It was Leonardo, rambling on as he was gathering the relevant supplies. 

You blinked, and Ezio towered above you. “Ah, amico mio, mi dispiace tanto.” 

Before you could respond, a hand twisted the embedded arrow shaft. You threw your head back as you cried out, hands flying to the culprit’s hand. 

“Leonardo!” Ezio chastised. 

“I needed to know if it was stuck in the bone!” He quickly justified his actions, hands raising in surrender. “Take his armour off.” 

Quickly, your upper robes were discarded, leaving your chest bare and your injury exposed. You heard the movement of metal tools before you felt something cold touch your skin. Looking down, you saw a small blade that touched the edge of the arrow wound. You grasped Leonardo’s wrist. “No, please…” Pain was hitting every nerve and muscle, and you desperately wished you were unconscious, but the fact that you weren’t meant you were going to feel everything, and at this point, you wanted to feel nothing.

Leonardo looked at Ezio and La Volpe. “Hold him down.” 

Ezio grasped your hand with one of his before using his other one to put weight on your elbow, effectively pinning you to the table. La Volpe followed suit. “I don’t like this, Leonardo,” Ezio said, looking nervous.

The artist looked up seriously. “You don’t have to.”

You felt the blade sink into your skin. The lower half of your body was numb, but your back tried to arch at the intrusion; an attempt to get away. You were hyper aware of his fingers moving inside your flesh, poking at the metal inside you. “This type of arrow does not do too much damage, but it has hooked onto an organ.” Although Leonardo’s voice was calm, you couldn’t help but writhe. You could feel everything the arrow (and Leonardo) touched, finally managing to begin drifting in and out of consciousness, after what felt like hours of pain.

You were too tired. 

You heard Leonardo bracing you for removing the arrow, but you were completely limp in Ezio and La Volpe’s grasp. You swallowed again, eyes rolling back. Your face scrunched weakly as you winced; the arrow finally relinquishing its position, too tired to scream and shout. Stifling a groan, you slightly jumped when the pressure of a fabric was being applied in place of Leonardo’s fingers. The last thing you heard before your vision blacked out was, “We’re not done yet.”

----------

There were three instances where you briefly came to since then. The first was as your wound was being bandaged. “What are his chances?” Ezio’s voice echoed in your ear.

“Of survival?” Your eyes barely opened for a second to lock with Leonardo’s. “Small.” Although his face was comforting, his words weren’t. All too quickly, you lost consciousness again. 

The second time, you could feel your body moving as you were taken off the table and onto something soft but sturdy. Your head rolled to the side and your eyes opened to see Leonardo washing his hands in a basin. “Con attenzione, ora!” You felt your arm fall off the side of the platform you were being moved on. The rocking lulled you back into darkness.

You didn’t remember these instances.

The third and final time you came to, you had a hard time opening your eyes. It felt as if they had been sealed shut. An involuntary hum grew in your throat as you brought your arm up to rub your eyes. Even that simple movement left you aching for reasons you couldn’t remember yet. You brought your hand away as you opened your eyes. Looking around, your brows furrowed.

This wasn’t your bed, or your room… 

Pushing yourself up, you stopped abruptly, lowering yourself back down and wincing as a searing pain spread across your side. Your hand immediately went to the source, where your fingers ran across rough fabric. Looking down, you saw that your chest was still bare, although half of your torso was covered in white bandages. Looking around, you found your robes hanging up against a wardrobe across the room, clean and repaired. Your boots were at the foot of the bed. 

Trying again, you slowly sat up again, pulling the sheet off of your legs. You bent down agonisingly slowly, one arm against your side while the other grabbed your footwear. After you pulled them both on, you began lacing them up. It was at that point when the door opened. 

Looking up, you saw Ezio staring at you, surprised. “Y/N, what are you doing?” 

“I’m getting up.”

“You should be resting.”

“I’ve rested enough. How many days has it been?”

Ezio didn’t reply at first.

“Ezio; how many days?”

“Five.”

“That’s more than enough.” 

You pushed yourself up to your feet, only for your knees to buckle and send you back down to the floor, the impact of which reverberated up to your side. You grasped the bedpost for support as your breath hitched. Footsteps approached your kneeling form, but you held your hand up to stop them. “I’m fine,” you spoke through gritted teeth. Hauling yourself back up again, you leaned heavily against the wall, your legs not used to walking after five days of disuse. 

“You don’t have to pretend.” Ezio respected your need for space for a few moments, but soon moved to pull your arm over his shoulders when he saw you begin to struggle. 

“... Can you take me downstairs, at least?”

He sighed, thinking out the pros and cons. “Fine. Come.” 

Tentatively, you tiptoed down the stairs, careful not to make any jarring movements. Ezio held you securely to prevent you from falling, should you do so again. The sounds of people eating, drinking, and enjoying themselves filled your ears, and your eyes landed on a table with La Volpe -- standing up with one knee propped up against the bench -- Leonardo, and a few other thieves (all sitting properly). They seemed to be in deep conversation, but as La Volpe looked up and moved his attention to you, everyone else followed his gaze, smiles poking at their lips.

“Y/N! You’re awake, and… moving.” Leonardo shot Ezio a disapproving look. 

“I asked him to take me here.” You motioned to sit down at the table, and Ezio helped to lower you to the bench. Steadying yourself against the table, you brought a hand up to your side as your wound twinged. 

“You’re just in time for me to change your dressings.” Leonardo got up to fetch new bandages as Ezio took his place beside you. 

La Volpe sat down properly. “Y/N, what happened?”

You recounted the story in detail as Leonardo worked on your side, slightly embarrassed at your inability to stay alert that night. “It was my mistake,” you finished, wincing as the bandages were pulled tight. “I should have stayed out of sight.” 

“He shouldn’t have even been there,” Ezio quipped, closing one hand over a fist. “We almost lost one of our best students.”

You smirked. “I’m flattered.” 

Leonardo coughed to hide his chuckle, sitting on the other side of you. “Here.” He passed you a loose shirt and a drink; you thanked him and slowly dressed, being careful not to stretch your side. Taking a sip turned into gulping down mouthfuls of the liquid, parched from not drinking for days.

“If he was one of your best students, then why did we almost lose him?” La Volpe was blunt, but he wasn’t wrong.

“Because that mission was not supposed to be for him!” 

“Remember who assigned him that mission, Ezio. Your anger is misplaced.” Ezio looked between the faces at the table, huffed, and got up, heading for the backroom. 

The atmosphere grew tense, and you decided to break the uncomfortable silence. “I’ll, uh, go and talk to him.” You got up slowly, holding your side, and followed where Ezio disappeared to. 

You peered around the corner to see him leaning on the table, his knuckles pressing into the bloodstained wood. After a few moments of standing still, he cursed himself under his breath, punching the table beneath his hand. He walked to the other side of the table, folding his arms and leaning against it as he fell deep into thought. 

You decided to knock against the wall, then. Ezio turned his head to see who it was, before smiling softly and staring back at the wall. You went to lean on the table beside him, staring at the chalkboard propped up against the barrels. “You’re blaming yourself, Ezio.” You called him out on it before he could say anything, prompting an amused scoff on his part. 

“I should have pulled you out of the contract.”

You looked at him, but he still stared at the wall, seemingly too ashamed to look at you. “Why? You didn’t know what was going to happen.”

“I knew it would challenge you, but I underestimated just how dangerous it would be.”

“You know Mario wouldn’t have accepted that.”

He sighed through his nose, eyes flicking down to his boots. “I should have tried.” 

“Look at me, Ezio.” His eyes moved to yours, but his head barely shifted. “I’m alive; I’m alright.”

“We’ll see.”

You squinted. “What do you mean?”

“Leonardo told me you have a bad case of idiozia, and he is not sure if it can be cured.”

You laughed, looking away. “No, me either.”

“I know something which could help, though.”

You raised an eyebrow, waiting to see what he would say before a force came into contact with the back of your head. “Ow! Bastardo…” Ezio laughed. 

“Let’s rejoin the others.”

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Translations:

Mi amico = My friend

Personalmente = Personally

Ora, un altro? = Now, another?

Assassino! = Assassin!

La Volpe Addormentata = The Sleeping Fox

Sbrigatevi! = Hurry up!

Ora, aiutami con lui = Help me with him

Mio Dio = My God

Non posso = I can’t

Andiamo, ragazzo = Come, boy

Amico mio, mi dispiace tanto = My friend, I am so sorry

Con attenzione, ora = Carefully now!

Idiozia = Idiocy

Bastardo = Bastard

i’m back, biznitchez, man college life is tough. anyway, today, i’m back with a new analysis as i said before i’m no professional, but i think most people know how to read/detect basic human language.

so today, i will be talking about woosan and eye contact.

i think it’s going to be interesting because, eyes are probably the most obvious indicator of a person’s emotions. the eyes never lie. 

something i’ve noticed about woosan is not eye contact, but mostly, the lack of eye contact. usually on woo’s part.

now, i’ve thought about this for a while, and it always baffled me because woo is someone who is very attentive and observant. he’s also quite mature, much more mature than he’s given credit for. now why does it bewilder me that woo avoids eye contact with san? well because woo typically is a good listener and he pays attention. if you watch a group vlive of them you can see him paying close attention to anyone who’s talking. 

he does it so well sometimes that hongjoong literally thanked him for helping him out(by showing that he was listening, unlike the others, his eyes stayed on hongjoong while he talked and he even nodded as another indication that he was listening.) 

this is also the reason why i think hongjoong looks at woo a lot of the times when he’s talking, because he sees that he’s listening to him. the best vlive to reference this to is the one where they were promoting their song From. 

san on the other hand also pays close attention to anyone who’s talking. he’s very respectful, but there are many moments where he just literally stares at woo, and i know woo for a fact can feel san boring holes into his face. so why do i think woo avoids eye contact. let’s see what are some reasons for avoiding eye contact.

1.anxiety 2. wanting to end a conversation 3. distracted 4. trust issues 5. person is talking too much. 6. intimidation 7. bored 8. they don’t like you 9. no chemistry 10. complex topic 11. they’re secretive

honestly, the only ones that made sense to me is either woo is anxious, intimidated, distracted or he’s secretive. woo isn’t someone who’s easily anxious but i do feel like san may make him feel anxious at times. sometimes they aren’t even conversing, and i do think woo is sometimes distracted. as there are some moments during interviews and lives where there’s a question and woo says something completely off topic and the members are like “what?”. i don’t think that’s always the case here.i doubt think there’s trust issues. there’s definitely chemistry and we know that he likes san whether it’s friendly or romantic. yes, woo is someone who is easily bored, but during these moments he’s fully alert and aware of his surroundings. 

let’s refer to some moments. let’s start with some older moments.

i just want to note that before this even happened, woo laughed at something san was saying and the members were saying that woo was making trouble and san said that he was hurt(that woo laughed). in the end he still looked at woo for comfort? idk, i thought it was odd.

in this live,i would say woo was pretty distracted. woo kept making mistakes, as i mentioned before. woo has a very demanding personality and likes to take charge. as i also said before he has potential to be a leader, but he is a bit too impatient and impulsive and this is basically an example of that getting him into trouble because at that moment he felt flustered. but the point is san looks to woo to comfort him, and even wraps an arm around him. but even then as you can see woo refuses to look at san.

this vlive, where they’re talking about the snack that they’re trying and san asks if it’s good, and woo doesn’t give a direct answer. he’s done this before during the the same vlive while they were eating noodles. san asks if they’re good and woo doesn’t give a direct answer, nor does he look at him. in this case, i guess you can say woo was also distracted during this time as well by the comments. woo seems to be especially curious about people’s opinions on him. i remember him admitting looking himself up more that ten times a day. either way, i would count this as woo being distracted. even though there are moments where woo addresses san directly and still doesn’t look at him.

now, let’s talk about moments where woo isn’t distracted. this moment was specifically about them talking about their feelings with one another. woo talked about san in the first pic and san talked about woo in the second. now woo for the most part did not look at san at all. lol. like how can you talk about your feelings for someone and not look at them. nguejfnednfe. san on the other hand made pretty good eye contact. some moments the stares were pretty intense. lol. either woo is anxious, as people feel increased self-consciousness through eye contact or he’s secretive. he doesn’t want to reveal his emotions through that eye-contact.

here are moments that convince me that he’s at times anxious or intimidated to meet san’s eyes, because he becomes flustered. during the vid above there’s a moment where san’s just staring at woo and woo catches him and woo is immediately flustered. but san does not back down he continues to stare for a bit longer. lol. then he stares some more while rubbing woo’s neck.

another moment when woo becomes too flustered to meet san’s eyes. 

the time they were dancing to fake love, and the part where they had to stare at each others eyes came up, and woo got too shy/flustered to do it. 

so the reason i made this is because it’s been happening a lot more lately. i think it’s because the company or woo and san themselves decided to make a conscious effort to not seem so close to one another. here’s some examples. 

so when i first saw this i was shocked, because when woo complimented san and he complimented woo back. woo’s head turned away completely. this is a very negative sign obviously. it was kind of like he wanted to ignore san’s existence. as you see now, it probably just looks like woo looked to the side. but if you watch the video by schmoosubs @ 1:03:10 you can see his body immediately responded to san’s compliment by rejecting it completely with his body. again i’m gonna go with woo being either anxious or secretive(he doesn’t want his eyes to reveal something) and possibly intimidated.

so let’s talk about another relatively recent moment, from the from vlive. where they were talking about the past, and how hongjoong cried. but woo and yeosang started laughing because san also cried in one of the logs i believe. basically yeosang was teasing san and san was trying to grab his face. but then him and woo lock eyes together, until san winks and woo turns away. i’m sure because he was flustered. 

then they have a small moment after that. where they stare at each other. it’s difficult to tell if woo is looking at san or yeosang, but it’s obvious san was looking as woo. it’s evident when he then says something that wasn’t translated, but you can hear it in the background and woo answers. you can then see woo slightly turn his head towards yeosang. it all happens at 13:00. something that you’ll probably notice is that san’s eyes usually follows woo. so when woo turns away, san turns away and follows woo’s eyes to look at yeosang who’s currently talking at the moment. so as i said before i think woo avoiding eye contact is a combination of anxious and want to be secretive. because i think it’s pretty obvious to see that when they look at each other the world literally stops around them. 

as said before most people know how to read or detect simple body language which is why you often see the same moments of a ship in multiple videos or posts in regard to that ship. because most people know the difference between a glance and a gaze. glances show indifference often times than not gazes show interest. 

this is of course the famous woosan lie detector video. now i want to point out, that this is proof that woo is fully aware of san’s stares. as soon as they start san literally only glances at woo, and a second later woo is like “don’t look” woo doesn’t even turn his head when he says it. lmfao. i understand woo may not want san looking at him because he had a red eye that day. but the thing is they’re in a room full of staff members and people who’re literally watching them. many of which are complete strangers i’m sure. while san on the other hand is someone he’s well acquainted with. so why doesn’t he want san to look at him? my guess as before, san may make him feel anxious, and more self-conscious because he probably doesn’t care what others think. but san is different in that regard as we can see here.

look at this man, despite his red eye, he’s still so confident, but he will not look at san by any means. san literally asks him to look at him, but woo’s just like no. wooyoung later gets comfortable enough to look at san and have a normal conversation.

to be frank, i think the reason san may have the habit of capturing woo’s chin is because of woo’s inability or refusal to look at him sometimes. touching the chin is a clear sign of dominance, especially with the way san touches his chin. san is someone who’s naturally touchy and affectionate. so this could just be a habit, but what leads me to believe that this is san’s usual response to woo not looking at him is that every time he’s done this is when woo was specifically not looking at him. 

he just always grabs his chin in a way that’s like,”hey, my eyes are here. look at me.” hehe.

anyway, this was my short analysis. hope you enjoyed. c;

Survey #404

“death doesn’t answer when i cried for help”

The person you had the strongest feelings for dies, do you care? I'd be fucking devastated. It wouldn't feel real. Is there something you’re happy about at the moment? A few things. I'm still on that high of my APAP mask working, like I'm actually getting some fucking quality sleep, and I think I'm noticing the effects of my TMS therapy finally, too. My PTSD has most notably been much more bearable, and my interests are beginning to spread again. Do you want someone dead? No. Do you ever wonder what your ex is up to? I mean yeah, I think that's pretty normal, even for someone without my issues. Have you ever fed or taken care of a stray animal? Oh, many times. What is something you tend to worry about? My health and future. What is something you do that is unhealthy? Sit at the computer for way too long. I'm absolutely certain my vision is as poor as it is partially because of me endlessly staring at screens. What is something you do that is good for you? I'm not afraid to prioritize my mental health. What last caused you to force a smile? I was watching a Mark video for the first time in a while and was just reminded of how much I love and appreciate that moron. What was the last video game you played? Was it fun? Because you said "video" game, I guess I'll exclude computer ones, in which case I'm pretty sure it was Silent Hill 2. Given it's one of my all-time favorite games, of course I think it's fun. It's one hell of an emotional ride. What is something not many people know about you? The fact I was a dancer for many years would probably surprise people once they have a good idea of me and what I like. What word describes your basic style? Lazy, honestly. I dress for comfort, and given that's usually just pj pants and a tank top... yeah, I don't put much effort into my clothing when I'm going most places. Have you ever been told you were going to Hell? She kinda beat around the bush, but yes. Have you ever wanted to kill yourself? On more than one occasion. If yes, what convinced you not to go through with it? Well, I did OD once, but on the other occasions, it was the fear of the unknown that deterred me. Have you ever rejected a guy, only to have him push the issue by asking “why?” and insisting that you just need to get to know him better? Omg no, thank god. I would NOT handle that well. Is there something that you believe everyone should do and you can’t believe that some people don’t do it (e.g., recycle or go to the dentist regularly)? I didn't know 'til a survey question asked it that there are people who don't brush their tongue when brushing their teeth. Like holy shit dude, there are SO many germs on your tongue, clean that shit. Regarding the last good choice (healthy choice, kind choice, selfless choice, etc.) you made, what was your real motivation behind it? Ummmm the nearest that comes to mind is I guess taking my meds? I mean I do that every single day, but it's still a healthy choice for me. The motivation was because I am very serious about doing what I can for my mental wellbeing. What is something that you have had to practice at to get the hang of it? If you can’t think of anything, that’s okay, what’s something you are currently practicing at and trying to master? I really can't think of something for the first half of the question, but I can tell you that right now I'm attempting to force a routine of applying a therapy technique called "opposite action" into my daily life, where you, well, do the exact opposite of what your depression tells you to not do. It is WAY harder than it sounds, but I'm doing it with reading 30 minutes a day! Have you ever gone to the store to buy something, like a video game, when it came out at midnight? Not to my recollection, no. Regarding the last novel you read, was there a romance included? If so, was it central to the plot? The last novel I finished, yes. It wasn't central to the plot. Have you ever done relaxation meditations or listened to relaxation guides or positive-thinking/healing recordings? No, except in therapy when different therapists wanted me to experiment with it during a session. They just don't work for me. Do you have any interests that are also often shared by children? Yeah. Those are the one I'm especially self-conscious about. there something that could be a solitary activity but you really only like to do it with other people (e.g., watching movies, playing video games, etc.)? Watching movies or TV. Are you satisfied with the interior design or decoration in your home? Or do you think it needs a total home makeover? A makeover would be nice... Is there something that you’d like to own but you can’t find it anywhere? If not, can you a remember a time when you wanted something? Did you ever end up finding it or did you eventually stop wanting it? OKAY SO I actually have seen this custom-made once long after deciding I wanted it, but it was RIDICULOUSLY expensive. There's a location in the Silent Hill games called Heaven's Night, and I'd love love LOVE to commission someone to duplicate the neon pink sign of it to hang in my room. Hopefully one day I could still do it. Who makes you smile the most? Probably my cat, honestly. What piercings do you want/have? I've talked about the piercings I have, but I'll talk about those I want. My #1 is absolutely collarbone dermals, but as I've explained a billion times, I want to lose weight so the bones are more prominent for the sake of contrast; you can't really see my collarbones now, so I just think it'd look pretty dumb and random to just have random piercings somewhere around there with no dimension. I also want way more in my ears, dermals in my back dimples also once I've lost weight, my right nostril for the dozenth time (but this time I'll wear a hoop), and while I'd absolutely adore an undereye microdermal as well, it'd be pointless with glasses. :/ What's your favorite website? KM is my pride and joy and really feels like my online home, so despite using sites like YouTube more, that 'ole RP site has to be my fave. Do you own a fish tank with fish? No. I had fish bowls (AWFUL idea) as a kid, but never tanks Do you like the movie 300? Never seen it. Do you pop your knuckles? NOOOOOOOOOOO. I absolutely hate the sound. It makes me cringe and shiver. Do you have Photoshop? Yes. It comes in the Adobe CC photography bundle I have. Do you use tinypic or photobucket? I used Photobucket back in the day. Now I just upload to imgur. What’s your favourite song from the 1980s? You're talking to someone who adores classic rock/metal, haha. How about the 1990s? There are way too many songs to choose from. Have you won anything recently? No. How often do you make Excel tables? What for? Never. What was the last baby animal you saw in the wild? There was a poor fawn as roadkill on the highway recently. :/ Are you always available or online? Preeeetty much. Do you have dietary restrictions? Or do you just eat what you like? I can eat whatever. Do you prefer gold, silver or steel jewelry? Or no jewelry at all? Steel. I'm allergic to silver, and I think steel is more subtle than gold. Have you been binge-watching any shows lately? If so, what? No. If you dye your hair, do you do it yourself or go to a salon? I do it at a salon. If you have any, do you like your in-laws? I don’t have any. Would it bother you, if your partner had cut contact with their parents? If they had a good reason, no. Have you ever wondered whether you were adopted? As a kid I did because I thought Mom was meaner to me than my siblings, lol. What’s the best physical feeling in the entire universe? ........... This question is a setup lmfao. Have you ever grown a berry bush? No. Have you done something new to your hair recently? No. It's been the same for quite a while. I wanna dye it badly. Do you have bad anxiety? If so, do you take any kind of medication for it? I'm diagnosed with generalized and social anxiety, so yeah. I take Klonopin once and day and Ativan as needed for attacks. One thing you’ve experienced that you thought you never would have? HA, the first thing to come to mind was being noticed by Mark by making a viral (in the community, anyway) gif of he and his doggy. I shit you not, I couldn't sleep for three days lmfao. What was the last thing someone said to you that kept repeating over & over in your head? That I gained fucking seven pounds in two months at my last doctor appointment. I wanted to scream. How often do you have late nights out? Never. I'm a homebody. If you could, would you work from home? Do you think that would make you more or less productive? No. It would absolutely make me less productive. If you had the ability to change the weather, what would you change it to right now? Cool with a nice breeze, mostly clear skies, crisp air... That'd be nice right now. Is there something that you really need to do, but can’t seem to get motivated to do it? I say it all the time: finish decorating my room. It's funny, because I KNOW I'll feel more at home and cozy with my bedroom more personalized. Most disturbing movie you have ever seen? Paranormal Entity. The ending was... a lot. Has a life goal or dream ever come true for you yet? If yes, what is it? If no, do you think you’ll achieve it? Not that I can think of. .-. I hope I can achieve some... Have you ever had food poisoning? No, thank God. What are you listening to? "The Man Who Made a Monster" by Dance With the Dead. Do you think there will be a WWIII? I find it inevitable at some point down humanity's future. People are too hateful for it not to eventually. Has anyone ever asked you if you were emo? Yeah. Has someone ever liked you that you never thought would? Maybe? Idk. In all honesty, can a person be too nice? Yes, in some instances. Has one of your friend’s boyfriends ever tried to cheat on them with you? Yes, when I was around 12. And I let it happen. It's one of my biggest regrets. Is mental abuse really as bad as physical abuse? Of course it is. Emotional abuse can cut just as deep as some physical blows, or even deeper. Do you shop at Sephora for make-up? No. Zelda: Twilight Princess or Ocarina of Time? I'm actually not into TLoZ. Do you own a rosary? I did as a kid growing up in a Catholic Sunday school. If you were homeless, how would you cope? If I had no loved ones in my life and no sign of things getting better, I'm honestly preeetty sure I'd end my life.

What does it *feel* like for Bruce, sharing space with another consciousness? Does he feel like the Hulk is a part of him that has been separated/exacerbated, or does he feel like an entirely separate entity within Bruce?

Character development time! Give me some interesting questions about my character and I will answer.

This is a great question and I’m going to split it into three chunks. One, what Bruce thinks about the Hulk, and two, what Hulk is in relation to Bruce and three, how it Feels on a given day.

Massive wall of text below lmfao.

So Bruce’s views on the Hulk and their relationship changes and varies extremely over the years, so I’m going to break this into yearly chunks.

PART ONE: BANNER V HULK.

The First Two Years- Early Days and On The Run

So, in the early days, Bruce’s views on the Hulk are....really not kind. For the first two years, really up until the end of The Incredible Hulk movie, Bruce considers Hulk a foreign entity. A monster that was unleashed in the wake of the Gamma Bomb, a genie that Bruce had to actively work on keeping in the bottle. Bruce was genuinely afraid of the Hulk and did all he could to not cause a trigger. Only after being told of Hulk’s interactions with Betty and his discovery that he can ‘aim’ the Hulk, he started to somewhat see It in a different light.

Yes, It, because for a while Bruce didn’t consider the Hulk an individual.

Year Three - Avengers Days

So this is the period of time when Bruce really starts to make a concentrated effort at trying to understand the Hulk and what it-- he is. He starts to key into the fact that Hulk isn’t an entirely foreign entity, and that there is a deeper connection between the two of them. There is a part of him that suspects the DID diagnosis deep down, but he absolutely denies it and goes to the conclusion of ‘Hm, maybe it was a buried part of my subconsciousness, the Freudian ID to my Ego.’ 

So while Bruce no longer sees the Hulk as an altogether foreign entity, he still feels like he is merely a fragment, base thoughts and desires given green form. Something that can be kept at an arm’s length but still something he’d rather avoid. ( Hence, his aversion to Code Green.)

Year Four. - Planet Hulk

This is when shit gets complicated. 

So Hulk gets sucked up through the portal and ends up in Sakaar. Initially he is still operating on survival instincts, fronting for days on end so Bruce doesn’t get hurt. But then days become weeks, weeks become months. And Hulk starts...having a kind of a life there. A life where he is not seen as The Green Monster but rather someone people cheer on, and he really likes that. So he shuts Bruce out, on purpose. Bruce, in the aftermath of AoU and being forced to go on a rampage, is emotionally shut down, so he doesn’t put up much of a ‘fight’, as it were. And as a result Hulk remains Hulked out for a whole year until Thor comes and manages to switch him back to Banner. (In my canon it’s not a recording of Nat but probably a recording or a picture of Betty or something along those lines.)

However, once Bruce comes to and realizes what has happened, he can no longer deny that Hulk is a person wholly his own and not merely a fragment. After Sakaar, Bruce has to admit to himself that he has some form of an identity disorder.

Year Five - Just A Man and his Green Friend

They get back on Earth, and at this point Hulk is no longer operating on childlike survival instincts, he is fully cognizant and has a full vocabulary. Both of them have a somewhat contentious relationship because Bruce is back to being afraid and apprehensive of the Hulk, so he’d rather avoid a full transformation. But he now recognizes Hulk is not a Thing he can ignore now, so they are attempting to communicate and reach some form of common ground. 

PART TWO: WHAT IS A HULK ANYWAY?

Though Bruce tried his best to deny it, Hulk is absolutely a separate individual within Bruce’s mind. He was ‘created’, as you will, during Bruce’s childhood, when his young brain couldn’t handle the verbal and physical abuse at the hands of Brian and function as a normal kid so his brain created a separate individual who could endure the blows, someone who could take in all of Bruce’s rage and anger and fear and hold onto it for him. Once Brian was institutionalized and was no longer a factor in Bruce’s mind, this personality went dormant.

Until the Gamma Bomb.

So up until the Avengers, a.k.a. when Bruce made the conscious effort to ‘reach out’ to the Hulk, every time he surfaced, he existed within the moment of trauma, of being caught up in all the anger and fear and thus living in a state of perpetual Fight or Flight. This is why the Hulk we see in the early days have the vocabulary of a child and exists purely on instinctual reactions. Once he gets to Sakaar and he has the opportunity to calm down and exist outside the moment of trauma, the actual personality buried underneath all the emotions start to come out, and he becomes more verbal and has a more extensive vocabulary. (It’s not babyfied like Ragnarok, but he nevertheless likes to stick to short and to the point sentences). He is still a being of emotion and will revert back to that anger and rage when sufficiently distressed, but he is more cognizant overall.

I do want to make a point to say that even though Hulk can be really annoyed by Bruce and his attitude towards him, he is ultimately there to protect Bruce from harm and be the Caring Grown Up figure he never had. But there is also that push and pull of wanting to have his own life but also being part of Bruce and sharing the body. So it’s a complicated issue they have to get through. (Is integration into one cohesive mind possible? Sure, but they have a LOT of work to do before they can get anywhere near it. And whether or not they want to integrate into one mind is a different question entirely. The fact that Endagme did all this off-screen pisses me off to no end.)

Another point I want to make is comics delve into Bruce’s DID way more than I am. There is a massive sprawling system of alters within comic Bruce’s system (Joe Fixit Hulk is the Teenager Bruce never got to be, Savage / Childish Hulk is the repressed rage, Devil Hulk is the Protective Father etc. There are literally hundreds of Hulk alters.)  I am very much compositing Savage Hulk and Devil Hulk into one figure and making him the only alter in the system for convenience’s sake and to make Hulk a more defined character rather than the mess of trauma and psychological issues that he is in the comics.  (Of all the alters Joe has the most probability of making it to the blog eventually but not anytime soon.)

PART THREE - WHAT IT FEELS LIKE 

The analogy I’ve grown attached to is the imagery of a door. All the abuse Bruce endured and the memories and the pain got put inside The Room Behind That Door, and Hulk was inside keeping it all locked in. The door was always there, but beyond Bruce’s ‘gaze’. When the Gamma Bomb went off, the door became ajar and Hulk was out. In the first two years, when Bruce has not much of an understanding of the Hulk, he feels like a ticking time bomb, like a dynamite with its fuse lit that’s going to go off at any moment. In year three, once he has more of an understanding, he starts becoming more cognizant of the proverbial door and starts getting more of a ‘feel’ of it, like a subtle pressure at the base of his skull.  Year Four, the roles are reversed and Bruce is the one locked behind the door, but Hulk is fully cognizant of the fact and is actively keeping it locked until he Can’t. Year Five, aka the Current Status Quo, Bruce feels the Hulk as that pressure at the back of his skull that intensifies if he is feeling some kind of way. Sometimes, more often than not really, he will see the Hulk as his reflection instead of his ‘own’ face. They are also becoming more prone to ‘talking’ in the Inner World should they need to communicate, but Hulk usually prefers to give Bruce a ‘sense’ rather than a full blown conversation. 

God this has been a wall of text I hope this makes sense and answers the question lmao.

Hi! Hope you're doing well~! I was happy to see that you like Shingen and The Mitsus- I kinda called it, haha! However I'm wondering if you guys are also familiar with/had an opinion on Edgar Bright from IkeRev because I feel like he fits your character type too? I literally downloaded the game for him because I never pass on #PrettyBoyAngst~

Hiya friend!! Tysm I’m good, I hope you’re doing well, too! :D Haha, they are indeed my favorites! You guessed right! Long live Shingen (too soon? too soon...) and the Mitsus!! 

Quick warning, I know the game has been out for a while but spoilers for Edgar rt below!!!!

I have indeed played IkeRev, and you are spot on!! My top three bias list from that game is Lance, Edgar, and Fenrir! (surprising no one lmao) I can’t make a cup of hot cocoa anymore without hearing in my head “AND YOU JUST HAVE TO TELL THEM EVERYTHING’S FINE BUT IT’S NOT FINE AND NO ONE WILL EVER UNDERSTA--” Edgar’s route just sincerely hits different. Like holy actual shit yo, boy smuggles us candy all I want to do is give him some sugar, c’mon IkeRev ;-; (CLAUDIUS IF I SEE YOUR MUSTY ASS IT’S ON SIGHT, ON SIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DON’T FUCKING TEST ME YOU MONOPOLY GUY BITCH ASS--)

Honestly, Edgar is what we all wish ATLA Azula could have had. Yeah he was raised in a rotten environment and did what he had to do to survive, but the guy sincerely didn’t enjoy what he was coerced into doing ;-; and there was never anybody there to protect him. I cry whenever I start thinking about how he saw Zero in sincere need of guidance and affection, and went over to him without a second thought. (Granted, one could argue that Edgar benefited from Zero’s clear inability to fit in, but I really don’t see it that way. Edgar had no obligation to help him out, and very little incentive beyond a desire for mutual friendship. Despite their differences in status and/or capacity, Edgar treats Zero with no shortage of respect and consideration--he just teases him a lot LMFAO) Even when they bicker (IT’S ALMOST LIKE COMTE AND JEANNE AHAAHAHAHH I’M WHEEZING) it’s abundantly clear that neither of them have an ounce of real ill will directed at each other. 

I guess that’s also a sizable point of what I love about him. Against all odds, against everything he was taught and raised to do, he still chooses love. He doesn’t like hurting people, he doesn’t find any pleasure in the power plays/impositions that his uncle lives for. He just likes making people smile and laugh, he just wants to live normally like anybody else--his smarts and his skills be damned. At his core, he was a kid that was raised to be a monster, but even Claudius couldn’t beat the humanity out of him. There is...an utterly heartbreaking, but also profoundly moving aspect to that kind of tension. 

(Now that I write it, it reminds me a lot of Comte and Leonardo. They were both expected to take their place in the hierarchy of vampire/human society, but they both reject it so vehemently. They don’t see human beings as pawns, they don’t see them as playthings or even sources of nourishment. They acknowledge what they are, but they want to treat people with as much dignity and compassion as they can regardless. In the ageless words of Iroh, “Perfection and power are overrated. I think you were very wise to choose happiness and love.” While they may have been able to understand all of this on an instinctive level, they actively chose it over every motivation/coercion they were offered to be cruel and unfeeling. They bear their scars for choosing what’s important to them, just as Edgar does. It is a unique but debilitating pain that comes with being unanimously rejected by your community because you choose to deny the expectations of your upbringing and social status, especially when the standards that were imposed on you were glaringly immoral to begin with.)

And the thing that kills me the most is that Edgar just. Has always done this, has always chosen what’s right as much as he was able no matter how painfully thankless--if not actively harmful to his well-being--these choices were. So when MC takes notice, when she makes a conscious effort to return that mindfulness, he’s floored. It literally changes the landscape of his mind, he goes into a god damn crisis to be able to process what just happened. Imagine being so desensitized to positive attention that you have a trauma response in trying to deal with direct, unfettered goodwill. And don’t even get me started on that desperate moment where he just loses every ounce of calm when MC briefly loses faith in him/wavers. I don’t even remember the exact words exchanged I just remember the sheer devastation in the wake of that scene, the way I cried. There are no words for how much I love him and how little that man has been allowed to live. (AND LANCE SUPPORTING MY BOY!!!!!!!!! SCREAMING AND CRYING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)

Also. Idk if you've seen the “my desires are unconventional” Edgar memes but the ducky and roller coaster ones just SEND me, it was literally the reason I decided to do his route and I regret NOTHING 😂😂😂 

And the Creeks!!!! The Creek family!!!! I sob!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So pure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Though now that you mention it there are a lot of elements in Edgar’s rt that align with Leonardo/Comte rt, feeling exposed 😂😂😂. I guess between them and Shingen/the Mitsus, one thing that I find really, really attractive is this notion of being kind to people with a deeply compassionate motivation. It’s not enough to say nice things, it’s the fact that they do care about the people they’re paying attention to, and seek to de-escalate conflict (whether internalized or externalized) as much as they can before it reaches an explosive point. They’re good to people with very little--if anything--to be gained in return, and they know what’s worth being grateful for in life. There is a breadth of altruism that is simply unmatched by some of the other suitors, a maturity that just draws me in like the proverbial moth to the flame; I fall head over heels in milliseconds. 

I do this a lot in real life but they are what I like to call “ninja nice”. They are schemin’ bois but the scheme is wanting to make you smile!!!! And it’s so god damn wholesome ;-; it never fails to make me laugh

I’m also deeply interested in this idea of “love at play.” It’s apparently a pretty common literary device/premise, but I wasn’t made fully aware of it until recently. The implication is that relationships are not only built on mutual feelings of affection, but also on a kind of language that people develop together; they find ways by which they comfortably tease, or poke fun, or just enjoy the same things and joke around while doing it. It may seem pretty intuitive to some, but for me this was a very new concept--I’ve never really seen it done before. And yet, I can see for myself that I tend to seek it out a lot without even knowing, and I think it’s a beautiful and crucial thing for people to share. It really makes me so happy to see :D <33333

So yeah, this is a house where we love and cherish Edgar Bright!!! I got a little side-tracked, but I hope I���ve answered your questions! Oh yeah, and as a note my wife also does love Edgar as well, we tend to share biases LMAO (Never on purpose, we always just watch/play the same stuff and come back like “THIS ONE!!!!!!!! YOU TOO!?!!?!? FLKHJAHGKHDLKJ”)

fic titles meme

tagged by @aimmyarrowshigh​ um -- ages ago??? sorry i’m really behind in responding to things 

Look at the most recent 20 (or however many!) fanwork titles on your AO3 account and answer the questions below.

the unconscious conscious

the fire and the flood

a last minute possibility 

careful fear, and dead devotion 

overflow 

stir 

need a little time (to wake up)

drive 

laid bare 

a double bed, and a stalwart lover for sure 

the bloom of youth 

Washington Square 

raw 

some strings attached 

no assignment for cowards

not what ships are built for 

Anything Can Happen (On Halloween) 

Adrift

mages against literacy 

a boy with a thorn in his side

1. How many are you happy with?

I think I’m just answering in terms of the titles and not the fics themselves (bc the answer would be two in that case; you can guess which two). I like the pun of laid bare a lot, and Adrift is probably the title I call back to the most in the fic itself, if not directly. Washington Square is just meant to be parallel with Notting Hill bc that’s what it’s a fusion of & because the other option would’ve been East Village, which I guess now thinking about it might’ve been better lmfaooooo. 

I also like raw, bc as the tags say: “#unpremeditated barebacking #it's a metaphor”. It’s about the intimacy. 

2. How many are…not great?

I hate mages against literacy lmfao it’s so lame. I think if I had a better idea for it I would change it now, but also the fic itself is a little ehhhhhh so I also probably wouldn’t bother. 

otherwise i’m not SUPER proud of the TWO smiths songs referenced above but. what can i do. that’s my #brand. 

there’s also SO many things inspired by songs i just randomly listened to on youtube but like, w/e, titles are hard.

3. How many did you scramble for at the last minute?

ALL OF THEM.

most recently I was casting about for the title to the fire and the flood, even once I had the text of the fic itself uploaded to AO3. I think I had it in drafts already and was still going through potential titles. some of the options i still have in the evernote document I wrote it in:

zephyr 

by some glamour change 

My faith is sick and my skin is thin as ever

All of which are bad imo. the fire and the flood is from the Vance Joy song, which doesn’t fit the mood of the fic really but I like the -- idk the contrast of the words? Both the fundamentally destructive nature of both fire and flood but also the way they cancel each other out, basically. And they’re both sweeping and epic and idk vaguely biblical and I’m #CatholicTrash, so. 

4. How many did you know before you started writing/creating, or near the beginning?

Two -- the unconscious conscious is a phrase comes from some haphazard research I did about ~sex magic back when I first started writing that fic (I should’ve. Like, saved that, I guess???). And a last minute possibility was bc  @jessicamiriamdrew was telling me about a film festival she was helping organize, and she mentioned that she’d received one film late and it was a last minute possibility, which I thought was the title of the movie itself (twas not) but I jokingly said that I was going to use it as the title of whatever I wrote next bc I liked the sound of it. et voilà.

5. How many are quotes from songs or poems?

Hmm let’s see:

the fire and the flood -- Fire and the Flood by Vance Joy

careful fear, and dead devotion -- Don’t Swallow the Cap by The National

need a little time (to wake up) -- Morning Glory by Oasis

a double bed, and a stalwart lover for sure -- I Want the One I Can't Have by The Smiths

Anything Can Happen (On Halloween) -- Anything Can Happen On Halloween

a boy with a thorn in his side -- The Boy With A Thorn In His Side by The Smiths

6. How many are other quotes?

no assignment for cowards -- allegedly this is a quote from Ovid (well, the quote itself is, “Love is no assignment for cowards”, but I think it’s cute to skirt around the l word, and if someone knows the full quote that’s a fun little easter egg for them/a shared joke between us)

not what ships are built for -- an old adage of undetermined provenance (”A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for”) but i uh. 100% cribbed it from a Valvert fic I read in 2013. God I’m old.

7. Which best reflects the plot of the story/content of the fanwork?

probably raw.

i mean. they raw. it’s raw...emotionally. i -- that really does say it all.

i also think the onomatopoeic feeling of the word stir (like, the slow susurrant awakening it evokes) really fits the mood of the fic itself. just the soft simplicity of waking up with someone you know and love. 

8. Which best reflects the theme of the story?

Adrift, no doubt -- Adrift is probably one of the best fics I’ve written on all levels, including the title, and that’s probably because it’s ALL p thematically tight. 

9. Which best reflects the character voice of the story/pov of the fanwork?

Hmm none of them, really? They all reflect my voice which is why so many are lyrics from the Smiths but I really don’t make the effort to tailor fic titles to character voice. maybe a boy with a thorn in his side, by virtue of it being modern au/teen Cassian Andor who’s -- Mexican and simmering with pretentious progressive rage and therefore, also probably a Smiths fan.

10. Which is your favourite title?

hmmm i think tied between raw and Adrift. gotta love those one word titles i guess

(but of fics i’ve written, ever, or at least on AO3, my crowning achievement for titles has to be save an x-wing, ride an ex-stormtrooper. I remember SCRAMBLING to finish that fic bc i was worried someone else was going to poach the name first, BUT THEY DIDN’T and i won.)

Anon who sent that ask about someone else - it might take me awhile to respond because there’s kinda an indepth answer to that.....like its not a long convoluted thing, honestly, its just something that’s a matter of saying it right so it comes out the way I mean it, y’know? But for the record, not everyone I reblog from is a mutual, sometimes I’m just seeing what other people are posting, and there’s a difference between people I interact with and people I let myself get close to. I’m kinda a stubborn fuck, lol, which means after a literal lifetime of isolating myself and making sure me and ‘my issues’ were only taking up as much space as others were willing to allot me, like, I just fucking got exhausted by that and decided awhile back that no. Fuck no, I’m not doing that anymore, because I shouldn’t HAVE to. I put a lot of effort into making sure I make room for problems people speak up about that I previously didn’t notice or wasn’t aware of, and so I think its only fair that people do the same in return for me when and where it becomes an issue. That’s how society is SUPPOSED to work, I believe. No, everybody doesn’t have to agree on everything, but when its a matter of just CARING how things we prioritize and make room for affect others around us and squeeze them into smaller and smaller spaces......eventually, it comes down to being either put up or shut up time.

And I know where I stand on those things, and since I’m also a big believer in personal accountability, like.....I’m just not someone who’s willing to make it easier for others to determine the same, like, at my expense. Not anymore. So....bottom line is, I don’t limit my interactions with others based on figuring out where they stand on stuff and building myself a fortress that boxes them out and has a sign out that says keep out if you don’t like xyz.

Instead, I do exactly what proponents of “Don’t like, don’t read” CLAIM they do.

I set out my blanket on this big fucking giant lawn that’s all tumblr really is, a communal space where anyone can set up shop and anyone can see what anyone else is doing over in their space and there really AREN’T ‘walls’ no matter how much we pretend there are.....and since there’s not really a finite amount of space, I take up as much space as I need to, over here in my personal bit of it, and I use it however the fuck I please. Just like everyone else.

And then I leave it up to other people to figure out for themselves how much they want to come into my space, or near my space, or how much distance they want to put between themselves and my space.....but I make damn clear that everyone knows: this is MY space, this is what *I* believe in and stand for and I will talk about whatever the hell I want to talk about, WHEN I want to talk about it, at the volume I want to talk about it. And anyone that doesn’t work for has pleeeeeeeenty of other space they can put between themselves and me so they 100% do not have to hear anything I’m saying, let alone interact with it.

And thing is....they absolutely can do whatever they want in their spaces too. They can talk about ME if they want to, and whatever it is that I’m saying - that’s their right! And if I see them or hear them talking about me I can share what I think about THAT, in a totally counter-productive never-ending spiral that yeah, we sometimes get sucked into.

Just like.....I accept that people CAN ship what they want to ship and write what they want to write and do all of that in their various spaces.....but when those spaces butt up next to mine or when they share space with somewhere that’s supposedly a communal space that all like-minded fans are welcome in....yup, I CAN say what I feel and think about those even just EXISTING. And then they can say and feel whatever they want about THAT and down the line it goes, lol.

(Its kinda hilarious to me how sometimes my little rants about fic result in people spitefully posting stuff that’s exactly what I was talking about and making sure to let me know if its in reaction to me being so damn annoying and loud. Its like....lol, adorable how you just flat out refuse to get that I’m only REACTING to what you put out there in the first place, so putting out MORE of the same to ‘spite’ me is never going to make me talk about it LESS. You fucking dumbasses.)

But you see what I’m saying right? Like.....it just doesn’t work for me anymore, to do what I did pretty much since I was ten years old, and continually retreat AWAY from the spaces taken up by EVERYONE else who refused to consider my needs or comfort or what I was asking in order to just....exist alongside them.

And that’s all ANYONE who says similar stuff to me in regards to ANY content is really saying, at the end of the day:

We all have as much right to exist in these allegedly COMMUNAL spaces as anyone else, and its fucked up that so many people think it should always be on us and only us to back away and tuck ourselves into little corners that don’t intrude on anyone else, when nobody else is remotely considerate of doing the same for us. 

Especially not when the only REAL basis for people insisting that there’s nothing wrong with anything they do or say is because there’s MORE of them doing it and saying it than there are people protesting. Its like, lololol does the term tyranny of the majority not mean anything to anyone? Whether or not there’s MORE people doing something than saying hey could you not, has fuck all to do with whether or not people have a right or case for saying....hey could you not.

So....bottom line is, I just don’t fucking do it anymore. Not when I’ve done it most of my life and at the end of the day, the truth is I shouldn’t HAVE to, and should NEVER have had to....because I have as much right to be here as anyone.

So the way I go about it is, I just....set up shop in my little corner of the internet, and I mostly stay here and just say what I want to say and do what I want to do loudly and clearly, so there’s really no fucking confusion about what it is I’m saying or doing and its on everyone else who comes close to determine whether or not they WANT to be here or not. And if they do? If they’re interested in what I have to say about one subject? Then they can damn well listen through what I have to say on another subject, or they can leave and come back later to see if I’ve changed the channel since then. But they don’t get to insist on what programming I put out there, and fuck them for trying to influence that if they do.

And so when it comes to other fans in this fandom....I mostly let them come to me, y’know? I don’t really....go out there seeking out other fans to interact with, I’m just kinda....here, and if what I’m saying is of interest and we end up interacting, that’s cool. And I don’t really mind too much if they’re doing something entirely different elsewhere, cuz this is the part where I’m a petty, stubborn fuck comes into play, lol.....cuz if they want to interact with me regularly, well, whenever these subjects come up, they’re gonna hear what I have to say, and that’s on them and their own damn feelings to sort out. And if it makes them feel guilty or self-conscious, that’s that personal accountability thing - figure out for their own damn selves how to reconcile those things. I’ll still be here when they’re done.

But like I said at the top, that doesn’t mean like.....there’s a difference between interacting and getting close to, and trust me, I do get far more selective about the latter, just because....anyone I’m close to? I care about their comfort and peace of mind just as much as I expect them to prioritize mine. And so I’m damn selective about making sure I even CAN honestly commit to prioritizing the stuff they put out there as being most important to them, every bit as much as whether or not they might do the same for me.....and so y’know, it all kinda sorts itself out on its own, y’know? I’m not in a rush there, and so stuff like we’re talking about doesn’t really tend to fall through the cracks by that point, if that makes sense.

And sometimes the stuff we prioritize and care most about changes, and that changes how much even good friends occupy each other’s spaces and interact, and what I’m saying is....its a process, and not a short one or one that can be sorted out with minimal thought, and the people who think its easy to straddle certain lines or have their cake and eat it too or just never prioritize someone else’s fun over their own, like....they tend to figure out in the long run that this very rarely ever results in anything more than a surface level commitment to THEM anymore than it results in a commitment of any real depth FROM them.

Idk, did all that make sense? I’m not on my meds right now so kinda why I wasn’t intending to respond to this in full right now except oh look at that, I ended up anyway, WHEN WILL I STOP THIS, lmfao.

Anyway. So yeah. That. Hope that answered your question, anon? And sorry if it doesn’t work for you or is disappointing for you or feels like a cop-out. Its just....honestly what I’ve figured out works best for me in the long run, and we all ultimately have to figure out for ourselves what that is for each of us as individuals.....and sometimes that’s just not compatible, and that’s....kinda okay too.

Did the last person you kissed celebrate your last birthday with you? no

Who is the person you would least like to be stuck in a lift with? Why? smelly drunk puking rapist murderer - do I really have to explain? If your parents looked in your inbox and read your messages, would they find out anything you didn’t want them to know? my sexts Have you cried at all during the past week? ... When was the last time you felt disappointed? What was the reason? now, no comment Who was the last person you had an argument with? how would you feel if that person never spoke to you again? both good and bad

Do you like forks with three metal pokers, or four? I don’t care Would you ever wear a hat with cat ears on it? I already do 

Have you ever eating raw sugar by itself? when I was a kid I was stealing it from my grandma’s sugar-bowl  Do you paint your left or right hand fingernails first? I don’t recall but probably left as I’m righty What about for your feet? not that I paint them but whatever What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done? hmm... Do you think fish are cute? some can be If you found an ant on your food, would you still eat it? doubt it How much do you weigh? 42 kg now

What was the shortest amount of time you’ve known someone before you’ve dated them? but dates or relationship?

Do you have any theatrical experience? If so, what have you done? just school

Don’t you hate it when people talk about their relationships constantly? every subject you talk about constantly is getting on my nerves tbh

Is there anything you need to say to anyone? I don’t know how/what/if I should/want to

If you could have anyone to do your eulogy, who would it be and why? my dad

If given the choice, would you rather go to Subway or a Chinese restaurant? Subway

Do your neighbors annoy you in any way? many ways

Whose car were you in last? I was in a taxi

How late did you stay up last night? I barely slept at all because of cannula/venflon and feeling like I’m choking, also noise and anxiety

What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon? coming home 

Who did you last see in person? mom

When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you? today (my father)

What is on your wrists right now? finally nothing and that feels weird, I constantly want to fix my ID wristband but it’s not there anymore

Where did you get the shirt you’re wearing? second hand - it has an elephant and Perfectly imperfect written on it

Do you like clowns? very

Are you listening to anything at the moment? I am

Do you twitch when your falling asleep? it happens at times but only rarely

Are your dishes in the dishwasher clean or dirty? we don’t own a dishwasher

Are you at home or with friends more often? home and I like it that way

Would you date someone 15 years older than you? noooo

Do you own a strapless bra? nah

How are you feeling at this exact moment? it’s complicated

Are you someone who worries too often? absolutely

Do you ever wonder how other people see you? obvi

What is one good thing you’re known for? How about one bad thing? don’t ask me

Are you taller than most? lmfao 

Are you the type of person who likes to be out or home? take a guess...

Has anyone ever said i love you to you and not meant it? it seems

Do you regret going out with the last person you did? going out as dating or just spending time with somebody outside?

When was the last time you showered? few days ago because I couldn’t move my arm :( 

Who did you last talk to in person? my mother

Do you ever have days where you just don’t do anything? yeah

Have you ever been extremely tired but refused to go to sleep? hahaha

What’s the longest amount of time you’ve been stuck in traffic? not sure

What area of math are you best at? Worst? dunno

How do you feel when you meet someone with the same music taste as you? only Dorota had similar taste in music to mine not counting my current gf’s love towards 80s songs that we share

How often do you “half-ass” things (put little effort in)? often?

Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? yes

Has a teacher ever made you hate yourself/your work? sure

What’s something that makes you incredibly nervous? everything?...

If you don’t have glasses, how would you feel if you had to get them? mixed feelings

If you do have glasses, how would you feel if you didn’t need them anymore? -

Have you ever considered going to art school? I have considered and am slightly regretting that I didn’t

How quickly can you write an essay? depends

Favorite episode of Spongebob? it’s not my fav but I remember the one where Spongebob painted the room most (why tho?)

Do you have any silly/odd emotional connections to anything/anyone? would say so

Do you play with your phone in awkward situations? I might

Do u own a rolling pin?: u don’t? :o

What’s your ideal indoor temperature?: never checked 

Does your kitchen have a theme?: ... apparently poop is the theme 

Are u a pack rat?: mhm

What’s the grossest thing u have found in your food?: bug, hair, piece of plastic...

Do u like ice cream sandwiches?: why not

Ever worn a flower in your hair?: for a moment

What surgeries have u had?: none 

What health problems do u have?: what health problems I don’t have?...

Do u like to sleep in?: yasss

Don’t ya just hate foot cramps? who likes those? 

Would you say you have an infectious laugh? not really Shouldn’t you be doing something else right now? omg thx for a reminder :o What is something you worry about often? every single thing Do you walk fast or slow? compared to?... Would you consider yourself healthy? Both mind and body. not at all Does sitting in waiting rooms drive you insane? not as much as majority of people, I can wait for a long time when I see the point and don’t feel the worst, I don’t need much entertainment to not get bored What form of public transport do you use most often? bus Would you consider yourself an adrenaline junkie? the opposite Have you ever been arrested? If so, why? I’m an angel Do you ever put sticky notes around the place to remind yourself of things? I have shitload of notes but they’re not sticky  Would you eat a spider for $50? hell no Would you rather be a kangaroo or a koala? koala Are you easy to talk to? am I? Can you juggle with more than two items? I can’t juggle with one item pfft At airports do you ever worry your luggage won’t arrive? scary but luckily I don’t travel by plane What other windows have you currently got opened? fb, youtube, tumblr drafts, google translator and google searching Who else is in the same building as you? my parents Would you like a penny farthing bicycle? maybe Would you ever consider visiting Ireland? what for? Would you like to visit Venice? no thx Did you ever eat leaves when you were a kid? my sister did Do you have any flags in your house? we occasionally put polish flag on balcony Are there any ‘keep off the grass’ signs where you live? just don’t throw trash on the ground on cemetery Have you ever walked on the grass with such a sign? that’s rude unless you really didn’t notice or had no choice Are you double-jointed? could say so At school which area of science did you prefer: biology/chemistry/physics? definitely not physics Which did you prefer between geography/history? neither Have you ever driven a tractor? didn’t have an opportunity  Does the smell of the countryside bother you? animal shit does Do you drink more water or juice? water 

Sweater weather or tank top weather? Which do you prefer. I like it hot, I hate winter but I enjoy sweaters Is there a cat in the room you’re in right now? stuffed only Do you enjoy going to the movies? prefer to watch movies at home

Are you an animal lover? I admire from afar How tall are you? according to my doctor I lost 2 cm  Is there anything you want to ask anyone right now? God  Are you gay, straight, bi, lesbian, asexual, or not sure? asexual/lesbian Are you more negative or more positive? negative Have you made any life altering decisions lately? I’m deciding

Do you have any songs currently stuck in your head? not atm Have you made a CV? several Where is the last place you applied for a job? (If you have) which was the last one... Are you photogenic? I’m ugly

What are you listening to right now? stopped because family member is asleep What are you going to do tomorrow? shopping if anything

Have you ever been judged on something you wore? been bullied

Think QUICK what word begins with c? clown :D

Are you a funny person? I believe  Be honest, do you go for looks more or personality? personality is more important but I’m picky

Are you a flirty person? a bit

Are you homophobic? I’m homo myself so...

How would you react if someone said you ruined their life? I know I ruin everybody’s lives

If you’re home alone, do you still close/lock the door when you use the bathroom? I don’t lock ‘em even when I’m not alone

What’s the stupidest song you’ve listened to today? nothing stupid

How is your hair currently styled? it’s dirty and after this survey I will wash my head finally

Do you ever stay up late just to be awake oh well...

Would you ever write a letter to someone you haven’t met yet, like your future spouse? I don’t think so

Would you rather spend the day watching movies or on an intense hike? entire day just one thing?!

Are you stressed about anything? always Have you ever stood on a frozen solid body of water? too dangerous for me Are you one of those people who take like, 50 Facebook quizzes at a time? whoops :x What’s on your bed? it’s so clean/empty that it freaks me out Are you texting anyone? no longer

Did your last beverage contain caffeine? it was just water

Did you get any friend requests on Facebook today? did not

What’s your least favourite song by your favourite artist? for example - one of my fav bands - Queen - I dislike Radio Gaga and We will rock you

What’s your best friend’s middle name? no middle name!

Who was the last person to comment on your Facebook status? my partner

If the person you miss turned up at your door now, how would you react? woah wtf

Where were you THREE hours ago? in here

What are you wearing right now? my leggings with colorful heart pattern

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? parent

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? I got two shirts and socks 

What day is tomorrow? Friday

Do you remember the first person you ever kissed? we’re together now again

Ever use someone else’s toothbrush? that’s disgusting, don’t!

So I read your big personal post and I'm furious. It makes me see red that adults can watch children be treated like ants and feel ok to ignore it. I wanna say I'm truly sorry that you had to go through all of that, and I hope you can grow free-er and free-er from it in the future 💕 A question, though: how can you still keep in touch with them? I'm trying my hardest to leave home and run away from these demons or else I'll never be happy, how and why do you do it? If you wanna answer, of course

Thank anon, your words mean a lot to me and rest assured I may not have the strength every single day to do it, but at least I’m conscious about my effort and just... keep going the best I can. And I do believe one day I’ll manage to look back and say ‘boy, did I grow up’. There are days when I do already and it feels revigorating, to say the least.

And I don’t mind at all answering. I share these things about my life because where I stand I have at least learned a few things (I do have my therapist to thank for that) and by sharing that it might help others.

There’s a lesson I learned with her that became super important in balancing out who I am and who I am with my family. It has to do with that feeling of guilt that comes with the whole experience. Because one thing I did hear a lot was how ungrateful I was, a kid who didn’t care about her family, who wasn’t there for them, etc etc. And because my experience as a kid within the foundation of family can be translated with ‘left to my own, trying to find my own way of surviving and growing’ what that resulted in was forcing me to try and change others.

Which is a lost battle. And that’s what I had to learn the hard way.

To quote my therapist: it’s a dangerous thing to believe you can change others, but it’s important to learn that you can change the environment around you by changing your attitude.

A few weeks back, I was talking about Christmas with her, because she knows Christmas is that time of the year when crippling depression strikes like a goddamn lover, although it’s been getting better with every year. Mostly because ever since I started spending Christmas with my bf’s family (who are the prime example of just... how a family should be, so much it fucking threw me off my balance the first time I met them like---holy shit this is a real fucking family), I finally got the perspective of the two opposites. And I was telling my therapist that there was one thing I learned, given my current situation, that made christmas with my family a lot more bearable.

I can just... leave. Like, if they piss me off, I can just get up and say goodnight and off I go. This isn’t something most people can do, because they’re not given that liberty. But what was new here was that I actually allowed myself to say and believe that. Because my whole life I was dragged back and forth between family shit where I guilt-tripped into taking part of these celebrations and it ruined the experience for me, and it forced me to withstand all of it against my will. So to tell myself ‘you don’t have to put up with this shit, actually, you can just leave’ was a turning point for me.

And this came out of a VERY long process of accepting who those people are. I remember the appointment I had right after Christmas, I told her: I remember sitting at the table with my family and thinking: wow.. I genuinely don’t like these people. I don’t see myself in them at all, and they have nothing to do with me, and I want nothing but distance and the bare minimum of contact. I just don’t fit in.

To learn about who you are in this scenario, you have to learn about who the people around you are. You have to accept that trying to change them will only lead you to more frustration. The best you can do is learn to adapt enough that it doesn’t corrupt you but it doesn’t expose you to danger (it’s basically why there’s an encouragement to let LGBTQ people remain closeted if they choose to out of self-perseverance, even if they have already come out to their friends---because you act a different way with your family, and sometimes that means survival). Now, granted, that’s a hell of a learning process---at best, a trial and error kind. But it’s one of the ways to preserve yourself.

I really had to accept that these people, the way they are, is more than something that is susceptible to change. There’s a whole ritual to the way they exist. My mom is stuck in the past, and she projects that onto both of us---she treats my brother like he’s still a 14 year old in private school, and me like I’m still a teenager, to the point where she refuses to memorize the things that changed about us past that age, like how she doesn’t understand how I don’t like that band I used to listen to at 15. My brother comes up with fucked up rituals that were never there, but exist to paint a picture of ‘how-it-should-be’, of good manners and eloquence, to the point where he literally comes up with memories that never existed (he still believes that we used to eat Fatias Douradas on Christmas, when the entire family has reiterated that my grandmother never even cooked them---and that's is why every single Christmas he buys them, only to throw them in the garbage because no one ate them). That puts me in the position of the old portuguese saying: in the land of the blind, the one who sees is a king. And the moment it snapped in my mind that these people were living a fantasy to cover up for the atrocities they committed against each other, for the fucked up things they’re stuffing in the back of their minds in pure denial, I sort of became at peace with that. Because it gave me more confidence in myself.

When I told my therapist recently about how witnessing my nephew’s behaviour was like watching a script I had written, because I predicted every single thing about it, she asked me why did that matter to me. And I told her ‘because I was validated by none other than myself. It means I understand their dynamic, it means I know now how they work a little better. And I know now there is very little I can do, so I chose to step aside.’

So, to answer your question, in all honesty, there are a series of external factors that came into play. Without them, I certainly wouldn’t have made it as well as I did. The fact that I was so quickly and easily embraced by my bf’s family was a breath of fresh air, and it was the one thing I never got as a kid and what I am so thankful for. It gave me perspective and it’s still teaching me a sense of belonging. That sort of puts my mind to ease, so that when I face my family, I’m more relaxed because I understand my place a lot better, and I understand that the place they want me to fulfil isn’t normal, not for me and I don’t have to fulfil it if I don’t want to.

The fact that I can just get up and leave whenever I want helps a lot. I have accepted that my family is like a retail job. I can only stand that shit for no longer than 8 hours a day, and 8h to me is too damn much. I would say 5h. When I’m with them, it’s never for any longer than that because otherwise I’ll go crazy.

And then there’s bit... In all honesty, I see my mom a lot more than I see my brother (I must see him like, some 5 times a year), and I can tolerate and accept her presence a lot more. I guess I do have the ability to forgive, and that’s what allows me to move forward, because the fact remains that, when you grew up with an alienated mother and no maternal figure to rely on, and as a grown woman you finally see those attitudes your kiddie self wanted so much, you sort of succumb to it. You embrace it because you’ve craved it for so long, even if your inner goblin is screaming ‘IT’S TOO LATE NOW’. Most of the times, my mind is at conflict, thinking: this isn’t right, she doesn’t deserve this. But a part of me just really wants to move past that, forgive and accept that she has her own fucked up way of changing and showing support. There have been moments even when I thought ‘she acknowledged her faults, even if she will never say them allowed or ask for forgiveness’ and that sort of eased me (although I’m a leo... I forgive, but damn I don’t forget).

I think the main ingredient here is that I always felt left out and shunned by my family. But now, I feel like I’m the one leaving them out and shunning them. They don’t know what’s going on with my life, and although they don’t really ask, you can tell at times they try to pry. And I don’t tell them shit.

It’s funny, last session I told my therapist the one thing I would never share with my family was my writing because they never acknowledged it the way I needed it to be acknowledged, and that ruins the experience of writing for me. And that’s a bit how I balance tolerating them while being me. The things that are important to me, they’re locked away and they’re not touching them. All they get to live with is a cut-out version of myself that they think is the person they know, but someone completely different. I let them believe their own conceptions of myself while preserving my own achievements and the things I treasure to myself. 

It’s basically creating the persona they believe I am when I’m with them versus the person I really am everywhere else (trust me when I tell you they get completely baffled when they hear my friends say the most basic shit about myself---like how my mom got dumbfounded when she learned through my godmother that I actually did know a lot of drug addicts and dealers but stood away from using while not being the sort of person my brother is and dehumanize them. She really couldn’t conceive that I was that person because all her life she believed everything I did was because someone else did it and I followed. She is so keen on refusing to accept I do things out of my own free will she’s thrown off her balance when she learns that like, the pink hair thing in 2006 was actually sort of a trend setted in my school lmfao)

(oh shit this got WAY TOO LONG)