#I forgot exactly what tag fit this I am TIRED lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

heyhihellowhatsup0 · 3 years

Text

Hooked On Your Feelings - Chapter Two (FWB! Tom Holland x Reader)

SERIES MASTERLIST

Warnings: Some angst, language, eventual smut in future chapters, fluff

Word Count: 5255

Summary: After a bad breakup, making an agreement with your womanizing neighbor, Tom to be friends with added benefits and no strings attached seemed like the perfect idea. Until things become messy, emotions caused your agreement to crumble.

A/N: I am HYPE to post this new chapter! Omg I just love writing this series so much its so fun writing Tom like this lol. Also low key...this chapter has an easter egg to a pervious series of mine and I’m v curious if anyone catches it but probably not because its superrr tiny but either way I hope you guys like this one! Obviously, smut is in this chapter! DM me to be tagged and I cannot wait to hear everyone’s thoughts! (Also .gif is not mine. DM me for credit please, I found on google!) Thank you xx -N

“What happened to that girl you took home the other night from The Lace Rabbit?” Harrison asked as he ordered his lunch before he took a seat at the table with Tom. It was typical for them to meet up during the week on their lunch breaks and catch up when they were not busy being wingmen for the other while bar hopping on the weekends.

Tom shrugged off Harrison’s question as he took a bite of his sandwich, “She got a little clingy so I had Y/N help me get rid of her,” he smiled as he said your name out loud. His friends knew of you as the hot girl who lived next door who bailed him out of sticky situations. Always teasing Tom how he could never actually get you. The irony made it all too funny for him, “How’d it go with that blonde girl?” he asked to change the subject off of him.

He didn’t know if he should bring up the two of you sleeping together with Harrison. Harrison was his best friend and wouldn’t judge but he knew he’d give Tom shit for it. He’d want to know details of your arrangement or how it came about, if you were really that good and Tom didn’t feel comfortable answering that. Not if it was about you. He didn’t want his other friends knowing about you in the way he did. That was personal between you both and he wanted to show you he respected you.

“It didn’t,” Harrison admitted while taking a sip of his water. He let out a chuckle as he felt himself blushing, “Forgot her name and she spilt her drink on me. Can’t say I didn’t deserve that one,” he at least knew when he was in the wrong.

Tom cringed into his sandwich as he let out a cackle, “You definitely deserved it, mate,” he laughed with another bite. His phone vibrated in his pocket but he chose to ignore it, knowing like clock work what it probably was. It was going to ruin the rest of his day and he at least wanted to enjoy lunch with his friend before getting pissed off for the day.

“She’d probably love you,” Harrison teased.

“Fuck off,” Tom rolled his eyes with a laugh. “I’m not taking your angry seconds.”

“Don’t knock angry sex til you try it,” Harrison smirked knowingly.

Tom shook his head as he once again ignored the phone ringing, “I think I’m good, thanks,” he brushed it off with another eyeroll.

He didn’t know why he suddenly felt weird talking about their last venture out at the club. Maybe it was because Tom knew where he ended up after that girl had left and he knew what that meant for the both of you. But Tom wasn’t done with his bachelor days, and even you knew that. Hell, you practically insisted since this was a no strings attached deal.

It just felt strange not telling Harrison about you. Like it was a weird secret. But at the same time, he felt oddly protective of you. Not wanting his friends to see you as some girl he was getting laid with. Or worse, a potential love interest. He knew it wasn’t going to happen. Hell would be freezing over before Tom decided on any sort of long term obligation. But he knew his friends and he knew they wouldn’t see this is a simple agreement between two friends. And he didn’t want to deal with that conversation.

Staying quiet was the better option. For his own sanity. And...well, would you care if he told anyone about this? Tom figured that was another rule he’d have to ask about. He didn’t want to overstep any boundaries and he knew you had a list of rules as well that he was happy to follow. As long as that meant one thing and one thing only: non-exclusive.

Harrison noticed Tom’s phone buzzing for the third time. And Tom ignored it for the third time. He checked the message with a huff of his breath before turning the screen face down on the table, going back to his lunch before he had to get back to work.

“Clingy girl?” Harrison nodded towards Tom’s phone.

Tom shook his head, “My mother was supposed to visit this weekend but you know the routine,” he mumbled into his food, not even wanting to respond to her.

“Let me guess,” Harrison began, knowing exactly where this was going since he knew Tom’s whole story inside and out. Including the bits he hated to discuss which was mainly his family, “Going skiing with Clint in Veil instead?” he questioned knowingly.

Tom scoffed out a laugh at his guess, “Surfing with Clint in Malibu but same shit,” he corrected as he tried not to let it get to him. But even Harrison could tell he was getting bothered by it once again and who could honestly blame him.

Always the same story every time no matter what and Tom grew tired of her antics. He couldn’t even blame Clint for it anymore considering she’d been this way since he was a kid before he was even in the picture. Only now she would just use him as the perfect excuse to get out of coming to visit.

He knew he shouldn’t care anymore but he couldn’t help it. It wasn’t something easy for him to simply let go of. It was his mother. And no matter how many times he’d try she would always give him back the bare minimum and it always made him upset. She was his one final connection to him and she could care less about any of it, so why did Tom? It always got under his skin and he loathed that it did.

But he would still invite her. No matter how miserable it made him.

“Well at least now you’re free this weekend,” Harrison broke his thought while he gathered their garbage before they headed back to work, “The usual at The Lace Rabbit this Saturday then?” he suggested with a knowing smile to try and get Tom out of his mood.

Grabbing his phone, Tom clutched it tightly as he inhaled sharply. Knowing his change of plans meant doing his normal routine even though he was looking forward to the slight change this weekend, which now just seemed bleak to him

“Yeah,” Tom agreed as he tapped your name on his phone but hesitated when he saw his mother trying to call for a fourth time, “The usual this weekend.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your chest tensed as you got into your car after your extremely long day in the office. Everything around you felt heavy and you couldn’t wait to get home as soon as you could but you found yourself still frozen in your car. Unable to move as the moments from earlier this afternoon invaded your thoughts once again while you tried your best to move in. Even though you knew you were completely grief stricken and didn’t know what the hell to do.

The promotion was yours, at least you had thought it was by the way your boss would constantly hint at it. You knew it was never a definite thing, but you were confident in the hard work you had put into your job and knew you were a top contender for the spot. You worked longer hours, took on extra tasks, you even worked on the occasional weekend to get your work done. Taking every precaution necessary to prove that you were the best fit for the role.

Everything felt like it was lining up for you. Co-workers were giving you a pat on the back for your work accomplishments, your boss was taking note of everything you were doing, and you overall felt really good about where you stood for the potential position. So imagine your surprise when you attended the big luncheon and your boss announced his undeserving son was getting the spot instead of you.

It was both nepotism and misogyny rolled into one and it made your stomach turn the longer you had thought about it. None of it made any sense and it was far from fair. You knew you were the one more deserving of the position, the whole office knew it. Even your damn boss knew but he chose his damn son over you and it felt like a stab right to your gut.

You felt so betrayed and beside yourself as you finally decided to head home. Tears streamed down your cheeks while you tried to focus on the road but you just couldn’t ignore the facts. How were you going to be able to show up and take orders now from your boss’ son? You knew the job more than he did and it felt like a huge screw you.

On your drive home, you tried to make yourself feel better by putting on some music to distract yourself but nothing helped. You felt beyond defeated and frustrated right now you didn’t know what was going to make you feel better at the moment. It felt like the world was against you. Between finding Justin with another woman and your job, you were really batting one thousand lately and you weren’t sure when you would catch a break.

Things were not going how you planned at all. The thought of just quitting your job and starting all over again crossed your mind but the fear of the unknown kept haunting you. You didn’t know which direction to go in or who to turn to for advice anymore. You were slowly drowning and you needed someone to throw you a goddamn life jacket already.

You were relieved to finally be home. Maybe some peace and quiet would make you feel a little better, you thought to yourself while you kicked your shoes off and turned some music on for yourself. Trying to put the day behind you and focus on the present moment while you got changed into more comfortable clothes to unwind.

You jumped out of your skin when you heard a knock at your door, not expecting anybody to come by right now. Pulling your hair up into a bun, you headed back towards the door and looked through the peephole. To your surprise, you weren’t really surprised at all. You were actually sort of relieved when you opened the door and saw Tom standing there holding a pizza box.

“That better have extra cheese,” you asked with a narrowed expression while you invited him inside with the pizza that he would always bring you even in normal times.

Placing the box on the kitchen table, Tom opened it with a grin as he showed you the pizza pie with cheese practically oozing from the crusts, “Figured it was an extra toppings sort of day,” he admitted, knowing he really needed the escape from reality. Even if it was just a pizza.

“Tell me about it,” you sighed as you grabbed a piece closest to you as Tom handed you a paper plate. You headed over towards your refrigerator to grab you both a few beers while Tom leaned up against your kitchen counter as he devoured his slice, “I’m guessing you had a bad day judging by your pizza presentation?” knowing there wasn’t really any particular reason he’d be coming over with it today. Unless if he wanted something?

You slowed your pace back from the fridge wondering if he was going to pick up on how you were feeling. You weren’t entirely sure if you wanted him to notice. Whenever you and Tom had a pizza night it was merely to gossip about your lunatic neighbors or watch a game together. You talked about casual things but never really gone into depth or prying into each other’s lives. Why did it feel like suddenly you wanted something different? Would sex change that much in your friendship?

“We can just ignore that...we don’t have to talk about unimportant stuff,” you waved it off. Tom didn’t need to hear about your miserable day. And you didn’t want to pry into his.

He swallowed the last bite of his slice, “If something makes you upset, it’s not unimportant,” he noted. But when he noticed you just looking at him, he raised his hands in surrender. “Ignore my philosophical ass. But I’d like to hear about your day, you know,” he laughed it off.

What the hell was he doing? He thought to himself. Don’t let personal shit ruin this. Enjoy her company. That’s it.

“I didn’t get the promotion,” you told him. You had mentioned to Tom a while ago that your boss was hinting at it but you never went into detail with him about it. You weren’t used to Tom actually wanting to be open or the other way around. And you’d be lying if you said you weren’t slightly surprised Tom even gave a crap about stuff like this.

Tom frowned at your answer and he felt his heart sink a bit when you told him the truth about your bad day. He didn’t know much about your job but he was sure you were a hard worker. He saw how much you loved your job and how passionate you were about it when it would come up. You would share upcoming projects with him from time to time and he would see the look on your face whenever you explained them to him. So hearing that you were passed by for a promotion was upsetting to him.

“I...shit, Y/N,” he put his pizza down as he walked over towards to give you a hug. Sliding his hands around your waist he pulled you into him as he felt you relax against his chest, “You didn’t deserve that,” he added softly.

You allowed Tom to embrace you, his warmness comforting you a bit before you pulled away and started crying when telling him about your boss’ son getting the job instead of you. Making you laugh by calling him every name in the book, you and Tom finally found a common ground as you kept venting to him.

Tom pulled away slowly, his hand resting at your chin while he licked his lips, “You’re boss sounds like a fucking prick, I hope you know that,” he told you reassuringly. The small smile you formed when he spoke made him want to keep making you feel better, “I’m glad you’re smiling,” he blushed at his confession.

Stretching your mouth wider, you flashed Tom a playful yet overly wide grin to deflect the attention he gave to you. The two of you laughed as Tom pulled away with a loud chuckle, shaking his head at your sudden silliness, “That has to be the most hideous smile. But we’ll work on it,” he told you through his laughter.

You rolled your eyes before going back to your pizza, giving Tom a look as you nudged him, “Not gonna tell me about what happened to you?” you finally asked.

Tom tensed as he tried to brush it off with a simple shrug into his pizza. The thought of his mother’s texts and ridiculous apologies and excuses continued to drive him crazy as he mumbled into his bite, “It’s stupid shit,” he told you as he swallowed the crust he was chewing, “Mom stuff, not important,” he added bluntly.

You could see the look on his face and could tell it was important to him but you didn’t want to force him to talk about it. Tom was never one to bring up his family ever to you and that was the first time you had ever heard him even mention his mother. He never spoke of his father, at least to you, so you just assumed both were out of his life for whatever reason and it was none of your business to ask.

And Tom refused to admit it but he wanted you to ask about him. Spending hours upon hours at bars, turning his focus always onto the girl; because he knew no girl would ever want to go home with a self righteous, egotistical guy. It was never something Tom minded to do, especially with complete strangers who he would never open up to in a million years. It might have been the recent development he had with you but there was something refreshing he felt around you and as much as it freaked him out, he didn’t seem to mind.

But diving into his mommy issues with you now seemed too much to deal with right now. You were dealing with more than enough problems with your job and your miserable ex-boyfriend, he figured you didn’t need to hear his bitching right now anyway. He came here to get away from those shitty thoughts, not open those wounds further.

Tom came here for a distraction.

Licking his lips, Tom perked up as he looked at you fervidly, “Wanna have sex?” he asked matter of factly. He figured he didn’t need to beat around the bush since you had your arrangement but maybe he was a bit too direct with his request. Tom cleared his throat as he tried to save the night, “I-I mean, I just figured since we both had shitty days that maybe we could uhm-”

“Thought you’d never ask,” you cut him off with a smirk and you perked up as well, nodding as you smoothed out your hair. Standing back up as you turned your back towards him, removing your shirt in the process, “Let’s go,” you called over your shoulder as you headed towards your room.

“Oh, we’re jumping right in,” Tom mumbled to himself as he practically fell off his chair to follow you into your room, tossing his shirt beside yours as he practically froze already seeing you completely undressed, “Christ…” he breathed out while taking you in.

You rolled your eyes as you walked over to him, bringing your lips to his now bare shoulder, “You’re really acting like you haven’t seen me like this the other day?” You laughed against his skin while you began to suck a bruise against him, hearing him let out a gasp while your hand snaked into his pants sneakily, “Beginning to really like this whole friends with benefits thing we have,” you laughed as you found Tom’s lips.

Practically growling into your kiss, Tom lifted you up and lowered you onto your back on your bed. His lips traveled from yours, to your stomach, dipping his tongue into your belly button as you moaned quietly before he brought himself down between your thighs. His lips peppering your inner thigh before he got straight to the point because this whole arrangement meant no foreplay. Another plus for Tom.

“Darling, I think you may be the best friend I’ve ever had,” Tom breathed out a laugh as he pressed his tongue flatly against your clit. Sliding two of his fingers into your core while he slowly pumped in and out of you, “This is what got me through my day today,” he told you before he brought his mouth back to your core.

You arched your back while your fingers went towards Tom’s curls. His name began to fall from your lips while he lapped his tongue carefully, letting it slip inside of you as he continued to tease you with his mouth. His fingers sliding into you again, adding a third as he moaned against your center; allowing the vibrations to roll throughout your entire body.

“Mmm, oh, fuck...!” you cried out, yanking gently against Tom’s hair as you felt the coil beginning to burn from inside of you. Biting your lip to stifle another moan, “Fuck...yo-you’re really good at that,” you breathed out with a small laugh which turned into a whimper.

With his head peering up at you, Tom flashed you a cocky smile with a playful wink as he licked your folds teasingly, “Did you seriously doubt my abilities to make you cum with my mouth, Y/N?” he raised his eyebrow while pumping his fingers now tantalizingly slow, “You’re gonna pay for that comment,” he said to you.

“Just...shut up and make me cum, Tom,” you told him through another gasp as you felt his teeth drag teasingly against your already throbbing bud. His lips wrapped around it as he sucked more harshly, doing exactly as you had asked him to do, “Ungh...oh god, okay. Yeah, keep doing that,” you instructed as you began to grind your hips against his mouth.

Tom took it as a challenge and picked up his pace, beginning to flick your clit faster while he continuously sucked on it. His three fingers now entirely coated in your warmth as he felt you clenching around them. His pants feeling tighter from his hard on while he knelt at the end of your bed trying to bring you to where he wanted.

His free hand splayed against your stomach, holding you in place while he felt you trying to squirm around from the way he was making you feel. Rubbing your clit in between his breaths, Tom looked up at you as he licked a solid stripe down your center, “Let out how you’re feeling from today and cum for me, Y/N,” Tom commanded.

Your eyes shut as you did exactly what Tom had suggested. Completely coming undone from beneath him while you released as much of the tension from earlier as you possibly could but in the most amazing way. Your eyes rolled back into your head while your back arched as Tom’s tongue continued to work you up while you were at your highest point.

Letting out a breathy laugh as you started to come down from it, feeling Tom begin to kiss his way back up your stomach with a smug look, “Don’t give me that look,” you rolled your eyes at his cockiness as his tongue traced along your neck, “I could do what you just did to myself, you know,” you tried to knock him off his high horse a bit while he pretended to be wounded from your words.

“Ah, but you didn’t. Did you?” Tom reminded you as his lips found yours. His hands still in between your thighs as he brought them between you both, showing you his coated fingers while he tasted you off of them, “Tastes like I made you cum because you wanted me to,” his smugness only elevated as he pushed himself off of you as he laid on his back on your bed.

“Need I remind you that you came to my place like a porno with a pizza looking to get laid,” you retaliated as you shifted so you were now hovering over him. Your hands guiding towards his belt buckle to get him out of his restraintive pants. The pleading look on his face made you just as smug, “Sounds like you want me to do just about the same thing, am I right or am I right?” you sang in his ear.

Tom helped you get the rest of his pants and boxers off, feeling himself spring out as he stared back at you with uncertainty, “Did you...just call me a porn star?” he questioned as the two of you let out a laugh.

“You wish, Tommy,” you teased as you ran your tongue down his abs, placing small and open kisses against his stomach as you made your way down to his legs while your hand carefully gripped his hardened length, your thumb running the pre-cum around his tip while you already heard him gasping for you.

Gripping your bedsheets with one hand, Tom reached around to create a makeshift ponytail to hold your hair. Cussing under his breath as he watched your mouth wrap around his tip, swirling your tongue around it while your eyes searched for his. He was really trying to hold it together but you were already driving him crazy.

“Let’s see what you got, Y/N,” Tom challenged you with a heavy breath as he tightened his grip around your hair, “Sometimes, girls think they know exactly what to do but-OH FUCK!”

His words were lost as soon as your mouth went straight down to his base. Suctioning as hard as you could before coming back up his cock painfully slow. Moaning your name as his chest began to heave, Tom felt his thighs start to quiver from under you. Even just watching the way you were working on him was enough to make him whimper right now.

“Fuck...okay, yeah I take that back,” Tom gasped as his nose crinkled up while his other hand white knuckled the sheets, “God, your mouth is fucking perfect. Why haven’t we done any of this shit before?” he was in such a fucked out haze, he wasn’t even sure if anything he was saying made any sense at all. But he felt his stress from earlier going away finally. Even if this was just a short state of bliss, he was grateful for it anyway.

“You really want me to answer that or would you just prefer me to keep sucking your dick?” you sassed while you kitten licked his tip. You watched from the end of the bed as Tom bucked his hips into your mouth to try and get more contact from your lips but you pulled away from him and just kept licking his tip.

God, you were good, Tom thought to himself.

‘K-keep going,” Tom finally breathed out, flinging his head against the pillow to brace for the impact.

Hollowing your cheeks, you pushed yourself all the way down his cock. Your tongue flicking the base in between as you began to feel him throb inside of your mouth. You could tell he was close so you moaned softly into his cock, watching as Tom shuddered from the sensation you just sent through him.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Tom cried out, moaning your name as he rutted his hips into your mouth. His pupils blacked as he felt the heat rising in his body, “Shit...I’m gonna cum, Y/N,” he warned as you pulled away, running your hand down his shaft as he began to come undone for you.

His warmth spilled out into your hand and down his cock while he let go finally. The stress somewhat leaving his body as it did yours while the euphoric high peaked for him. Your lips crashed against his while his tongue parted your lips to find yours, tangling them together as he moaned against your mouth while riding out his high finally.

You waited for Tom to catch his breath before you smiled against his lips, placing a small peck against them as you pulled away with an even bigger grin, “Yeah, you’re welcome,” you gave him the same arrogant tone he gave to you moments earlier before you pecked his lips again.

After taking some time to get yourselves together mixed with the continuous fooling around underneath the sheets, you and Tom finally decided to get up and end the night. Even though he didn’t want to leave, he knew he probably shouldn’t overstay. Primarily, Tom was adamant about never spending the night at a girl’s place that he slept with. That made things complicated and he didn’t want complicated. But since you and him had rules to not make things messy, he wasn’t sure if that applied to you. For now, he wanted to play it safe so he got himself dressed again.

You pulled on an oversized t-shirt, realizing both of your hair looked a mess. Luckily you were already home and Tom was down the hall so it didn’t really matter. You wanted to say something to Tom, that you were thankful he came by tonight. You were thankful even before sex was on the table. It felt nice to have him as an ally to swing by with a pizza when he didn’t even know you needed that.

“...is it weird to say I’m glad you came by?” you gestured towards your bedroom while you walked with him out into the kitchen where the half eaten pizza was left, “I know we haven’t really made too many rules about it but…” you trailed off with a nervous laugh as you smiled at him awkwardly.

“Like we said, zero weirdness,” Tom reminded you as he padded his way over to you. He grabbed a leftover crust from the box and shoved it in his mouth, clearly starving already from the workout you had just given him. He smiled while he chewed lazily, his mouth still filled with pizza crumbs, “But I’m happy to come by when we have shit days...and make you cum as well,” he smirked deviously.

The door opened as you smiled back, “Doesn’t have to be just bad days, you know. We could...screw whenever we feel like it,” you told him, hoping that it wasn’t too much.

“Did you just say screw?” he whipped his head towards you with a loud laugh.

“Alright then, I guess I’ll just leave you to the girls who leave you unsatisfied then,” you fought back.

Tom leaned against the door with his mouth gaped open, “They do not...leave me...unsatisfied?” he questioned himself, knowing that that was true, whether he wanted to admit it or not.

“Then why are you here?” you placed a hand on your hip, feeling the smile pulling at your lips while you messed around with him. You certainly weren’t in this mood earlier before Tom came around.

Pressing his lips together, Tom rolled his eye at you, “Fine...we can screw...whenever,” he leaned in closer to you with his eyes big as he mimicked your voice when you said it, “As long as we keep this thing strictly what we intended, you can use me whenever you need, Y/N,” and he meant it.

You didn’t back away when he sealed his words with a soft kiss, paired with his trademark grin. Tom pulled away slowly, taking in the moment as he wished you a goodnight quietly before kissing you against the cheek, “Like I said, best friend I ever had,” he said softly once again.

“Am I interrupting something?” A voice broke from behind the two of you. Both of your eyes widened towards each other as you both simultaneously pivoted your heads towards the staircase where the voice was coming from.

Tom closed his eyes with a groan, pinching the bridge of his nose as he tried to ignore Harrison staring at the two of you with a crooked grin. Making it known to Tom that explaining this was going to be a lot tougher than he had imagined.

Taglist: @osterfield-holland-andcompany @giuls-394 @missmulti @hazmyheart @lauras-collection @iamapersonwholikesunicorns @detroitbydark @mcuassemble @blahhhhhhhaaa @lonikje @beiroviski @ruefulposts @desir-ae @kayla-m1996 @unicorn-princess-1999 @asmilinghopelessromantic @itsjusttor @whatareyouhidingpeter @when-marvellous-things-happen @mannien @lilostif16 @u-rrose @ninjalex1d @baby-unidorn @astoldbydanid @honey-sea @fallingforfics @lulueliott24 @mikalakat @babebenhardy @coni-martina @captainemrys @mktravelbuggie @underoosmarvel @pluckypete @hollandfanficlove @lookalivefrosty @lightmelikeacigarette @msmarvel-19 @u-rrose @parker-holland-osterfield @thwip-it-real-good @shirukitsune @justanotherusername80 @dangerdolns @jwolfesblog @jjayyc @ifilosemyselfagain @axisnpalma @londonspidey @just-a-littlebit-of-everything @bookgirlunicorn @kfcyum @thenoddingbunny-blog @buzzbuzzitsmeagainbitch @herondale-snow-carstairs @marvelobsessedteenager @unlimitedd @dramaholic18 @softholand @panicattheeverywherekid @emotionally-unstable23 @quackeroos @unbelievableholland @holyhumorliteraturelight @spideyyeet @katiekinzs @fanficparker @ifntelyinspirit @rubberducky-jrr @xguardgirlx @selfcarecap @localfangirlx @xxpeachyxo @hazardosterfield @xstarbae @justanotherusername80 @photoshopart15 @spiderbibby @the-fandom-life-forever @jannine00742 @spideysimpossiblegirl @parachutepantswedgie-blog @decadentwastelandtrash @anythingthaticareabout @outshineallthestars @captainamirica @thehauntingofmymind @watermelonsponge @sinisterspidey @adayasgeorgia @obliviatevamps @damnrancidchicken @lolooo22 @cocoamoonmalfoy @spideyspeaches @hollandprkr @peachitofu @quacksonholland @itscaminow @ohtobelovedbyyou @diffind0 @tomhollandsslut @chipot-lol s @marvelouspouges @agustdowney @305weasley @youvebeenlizzed @spidey-sophie @azaraspirit

#tom holland #tom holland x you #tom holland x reader #tom holland smut #heyhihellowhatsup0

531 notes · View notes

lululawrence · 3 years

Text

Wordplay 5.0 Reflections

I dunno what else to call it lmao it doesn't sound right to call this a meme, but whatever it is, here we are! lol @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed came up with these questions after @wordplayfics wrapped up last year and I love them so i'm gonna use them for this year as well.

I'm going to start out with listing the prompts and linking the fics i wrote for each one for everyone's reference, though I'll be linking them again through the answers as well. I'm also putting all the questions and answers beneath a read more because, as usual, I rambled lmao Alright! Here we go!

Struggle: I Said It Wrong, But I Meant It Right Reduce: I Love This Feeling (But I Hate This Part) Divide: He Carries The Key Rise: Thou, Sun, Art Half As Happy Sketch: I Heard You Talking

How did you come up with your ideas for the fics? Can you take us through your process after first receiving the prompt?

I don't know that I have a set way I come up with my fic ideas for Wordplay. It all depends on the prompt and what fic ideas I've got on my "to write list" that might fit that prompt. If nothing on my to write list fits or can be tweaked for a prompt, then I just go through my prompts tag until something strikes me for it, or I just ruminate on the different ways the word can be used and see if something comes up.

So, when I did the random word generator for the first prompt and "struggle" was the word that came up, I immediately thought of "struggle bus". lolllll and when I went looking through my to write list, I saw the girl Payneshaw fic I wanted to write and I was like omgggggg Nick ABSOLUTELY is riding the struggle bus the ENTIRE FUCKING TIME and I knew that was my fic for the week. lmaoooo and there you have it.

What is your favorite fic you wrote for Wordplay this year?

oooohhhh this one is HARD AND MEAN lmaoooo i forgot this was a question asked. okay legitimately i cannot choose a favorite because i'm actually stupidly proud and happy with all of the fics i wrote this year.

If you’ve participated in previous years of Wordplay, what has been your favorite prompt from all years you participated in?

WELP. as the creator of this challenge, i've participated in all 5 years which means there've been 25 prompts i've written. lolllll and honestly i think my favorite prompt is STILL from the first year. it was "bloodsucker". like, how great of a prompt is that???

What was the shortest fic you wrote this year? The longest?

the shortest one this year was... I Said It Wrong, But I Meant It Right at 4381 words.

the longest one was... I Heard You Talking at 10580 words.

What fic of yours surprised you?

i think all of them surprised me in some way. that's part of the joy of writing fics, isn't it? lollll but i think the one that surprised me the most was Thou, Sun, Art Half As Happy. it was a last minute change (i'll elaborate in the answer to the next question haha) and it was a VERY different direction than i had planned. it was all based off of a photo i saw on tumblr, and there was no prompt with the photo. i got to just take in the basic idea of the sticker being placed on a bridge overlooking the city and what might make that spot a good kissing spot.

now, as an ace who doesn't actually ENJOY kissing, i... didn't think about the fact that i would be writing a lot of it. lollll i actually have a super hard time writing kisses and trying to make them varied while also relaying the emotional intimacy of the moment, and then add on top of that the fact that once i started writing the fic, both harry and louis let me know pretty much as soon as words started getting written that they were both genderqueer and that worked differently for each of them, so harry would use they/them pronouns and louis would use he/him still, it just made things more interesting. and the way the fic developed??? like, i had a very vague idea of what would happen in the fic. so the way it actually came about all surprised me.

long answer short, from the very start, this fic surprised me and i was just along for the ride. it was a BLAST and i sure do love it, even if it does have the second lowest hits of all the fics i wrote this year haha

Were there any prompts you struggled to find an idea for?

STRUGGLED HAHAHA sorry. just funny since struggle was a prompt this year. ANYWAY. the prompt i had the hardest time with was defo rise. i've had this fic idea ever since greg james tweeted with shawn mendes months ago about how shawn basically forgot his interview with greg on the breakfast show, so greg had to last minute wing a LOT OF AIR TIME AND SHOW CONTENT and he did a great job, but it brought about some funny content... anyway. that made me wanna write a triad a/b/o fic where greg is louis and harry's beta. rise was going to be used in a lot of different ways through the fic, as well. because breakfast show requires greg to rise from bed early, he gets a rise out of harry and louis with his behavior and overt flirtations with shawn, they have to rise above their jealousy, etc etc etc. i was VERY EXCITED.

except i only had three days i was able to write every week this summer, and those were really really difficult to get. if i wanted to write on tuesday or thursday, i was often curling up with my laptop in a dark room with some caffeine and candles burning to soothe me after the insanity that is my life atm, and write for as long as i could before my brain stopped functioning, which was often only around 30 min. but see, that particularly week was the worst part of my son's 18 month sleep regression, which meant instead of him sleeping and letting me write, i was driving him around or trying to rock him back to sleep or letting him play in an attempt to tire him out etc etc etc and by friday morning i had to admit to myself there was no way i could write that a/b/o fic in my one guaranteed evening to write every week (saturday, btw). so i was suddenly left with around 36 hours to find a new fic idea and develop it enough to be able to write it in one evening.

as i said in the answer to the first question, i usually go to my prompts tag to see what might inspire me with this prompt word in mind, but for this one that wasn't the first place i went. i tried looking at more definitions even though i'd done that earlier and nothing was inspiring me. so i then spoke to several friends and was still having a hard time finding any ideas that felt like something i would enjoy writing and could do so quickly.

by saturday morning, knowing i had less than 12 hours to figure out what i was writing so i could actually WRITE IT in only like 2-3 hours of writing time, i finally sat down and scrolled through my prompts tag. once i did, i saw the photo for the "good kissing spot", and i immediately thought of sunrise. so i ran with it. but i wanted to make it stylinshaw, so how would i work that in, etc etc etc. it was just very fast and very difficult trying to figure out how i would structure it so it could be a fun meet cute kind of fic, but also work into them actually building a meaningful connection etc and... well. it was a lot. haha so yeah, it was just a hard time overall that week, but i'm super proud of it in the end.

Were there any prompts you had an idea for but ended up writing something different? If so, what made you choose to change what you wrote? Do you think you’ll ever write your original idea at a later date?

HA okay well i already answered most of this above, but for the last part of this question, yes i will absolutely write my original idea at a later date. the whole reason i decided not to do it wasn't because i couldn't turn it into a fic that could be written in that one writing session, but because i had hopes for what that fic would be, and i didn't want to shorten and condense it enough to do that. i didn't want to have to lessen the dreams i have for that fic in my head, so i decided i would just put it back on my to write list and save it for later. who knows when, but that fic will absolutely get written.

What do you think was the most difficult as well as the easiest part about the Wordplay Challenge?

most difficult was 100% finding the time to write. that was insanely hard for me all summer, but by the time wordplay was going, things at home had ramped up to being very overwhelming regarding the demands on me and my time, and what i had been doing to carve out some time for myself and writing wasn't working anymore, so i had to adjust even more with the understanding that i was working on a really strict timeline too. so yeah. just finding the time was absolutely the hardest part for me.

easiest part was the actual writing. these fics really flowed from me, outside of the pack fic, that one was actually pretty difficult to make sure i was getting the dynamics exactly the way i wanted to have them turn out, but even with that aspect, it still was like it flowed from me most of the time. these fics really just took over and i was along for the ride. it was a blast.

If you participate again next year, is there anything you’ll do differently? If so, what?

lmao well assuming people still want wordplay to happen again, i'll run it again and very likely will take part. so... with the difficulty i had in finding any time to do anything this summer, i was actually ridiculously stressed when it came to the writing part, but also the modding aspect of it. so i am not sure that i'll run it during the summer again next year. i might have it go during the early fall once school is back in session so i at least have only one child at home instead of three to battle lol so that's one thing i'll hopefully be doing differently.

as for the writing aspect, i don't think so actually. i've done 5 years of this, and i'm having fun with it. haha if i ever find a fic idea i think could work for it, i would consider doing a series for it next year, but it all depends on if there's something i'd like to write that could work for that kind of set up with this challenge.

if you made it this far, thank you for reading!!! xxx

#wordplay 5.0 #writing stuff #my fics #mine

12 notes · View notes

i-am-just-a-kiddo · 3 years

Text

rules: create your own post and tag 9 people to get to know better or catch up with

thank you for tagging me in this, @vishcount, eventhough we catch up every day basically 💞 i am tagging @cortue, @sassyassassy and @the-cloud-whisperer! no pressure in answering these questions to such detail, just do however you feel like. (ED) i’m sorry i forgot to tag @intyalote because i wish to know you better too!

my ramblings under the cut:

last song listened to: Change (Feat. GRAY) (Prod. 코드 쿤스트 CODE KUNST) by Kid Millie

code kunst is one of my absolute favourite musical artists and i always discover new projects he was part of. this one is my recent favourite, i’ve just been listening to it up and down the past few weeks so my youtube shuffle automatically plays this.

last movie watched: The Yin Yang Master (2021)

just like vishie, this was the last movie i watched and i think overall it was very fun? i found it very cute and entertaining in its world-building, as well as the visual design. also chen kun as qingming truly.....hits differently, wow. so it was hard to keep my cool about him because somehow he is way too stunning in my eyes. i also enjoyed the found family trope? it was very sweet. but as vishie noted too, the movie did not leave much place for the characters to develop properly so it would have deserved more time in that department. i was not that attached to any of them because the movie focused more on the plot happening than the character driven story. also funny how the yin yang master: dream of eternity was a wonderful gay feast while this movie just pulled the no homo card lol

currently reading: When The Light Of The World Was Subdued, Our Songs Came Through, A Norton Anthology of Native Nations Poetry (Ed. Joy Harjo, Leanne Howe, Jennifer Elise Foerster and more)

i wished for this book for christmas and finally received it a few weeks ago. the past two years i’ve mostly been reading poetry (if you leave out readings for university) and i really want to educate myself on native cultures and their past. i think this is an amazing book that has a long introduction about its creation and the choices made on how the poems should be assembled. i love how so many different voices across geography, time and ages gets presented and i am excited to read more. apart from that, i am just waiting for uni taking up all my reading space again.

currently craving: a cold beer?

since yesterday the weather has been so incredibly lovely and spring-like, i just want to go sit outside in the park or by the river and have a beer with someone. might do that tomorrow? i am feeling the holiday vibes. (also i am hungry so i should probably cook soon hmm)

current project: uni and fic ideas (and a fishtank?)

for uni i will need to hold a presentation about materiality in viennese modern designs during 1880-1930. i have this ceramic vessel by dagobert peche as my topic and i’m excited to dive into it because i am not well-versed in viennese art in general? and from what i’ve seen from his designs he took a lot of inspiration from japanese ceramics and chinese brush paintings which fits me past studies. also the question of materiality has never been the biggest focus in my studies so i am curious what will come of it, especially since our course leader wants to get us into the exhibition and hold the presentation in front of the actual object, which i have never done before (thanks covid).

i have some fic ideas which i want to get into but right now they are more vague concepts - i’ve been doing some research on korea during the 1880s-1890s for some very loosely dorian gray inspired au, but let’s see if this will take any reasonable shape. i’m also thinking about more wen ning & song lan content and maybe, possibly, some wen kexing character study? let’s see. am slowly getting back to writing and i am lowkey proud.

and yes, i want to get a fishtank in our flat. i am so ready to have one again and my flatmates agreed so there is nothing standing in my way

current mood: tired but content

i overslept my first alarm today so i had a very stressful morning (it usually takes ages for me to get out of bed) and i did most of my first lecture but then decided to ditch it to hang out with my flatmates which was the best decision tbh. i also skipped the second lecture to hang out with them and go on a walk later to enjoy sunshine? so i think this day was very much successful on the social part. i even had ice cream.

current wish: for my writing to return from war

i’ve lamented about this for the past few months on here, but it truly is weighing down my heart a lot. i just miss writing okay. i know i shouldn’t be hard on myself and accept that i need a break too, because indeed - i can’t force it and there is no need in beating myself up. but it still hurts because there is always something missing. i think the past two weeks i have been feeling a little bit more ready to return to it? though i truly need to be understanding with myself if it doesn’t work as i want it to.

currently learning: materiality, persian book art and queer theory

as mentioned above, i have one course about materiality in arts, crafts and designs, focused on 1880-1930 vienna. i am also attending a lecture about persian book art from the 14th century onwards, though i have taken so many lectures with this professor already, i feel like he is repeating himself so much? i hope i will learn something new at least, so far it feels like i’m hearing the topics for the third time. and then i have a lecture about queer theory which is exactly my crowd - the people, the professor and the discussions give me so much and bring all these topics that i think about in my free time into a theoretical and scientific realm? so it’s nice to study these things in a systematic way - as systematic as it’s possible with a topic such as queer theory. this lecture just makes me feel seen and also allows me to get a broader sense of understanding how these studies developed.

something that makes you proud: my niemo oneshot and my social activities

last week i wrote a short snippet for nie huaisang/mo xuanyu and it was the first time i had written in ages? so i feel very proud of it. and something i have been proud of lately is that i manage to be socially active a lot without feeling like all my energy has been sucked out of me? i am genuinly having fun being with people - of course it exhausts me a lot and i take breaks, but all in all it truly got easier socialising ever since i started taking my meds. my anxiety levels aren’t as high as they used to be and it helps me appreciate the presence of other people in a completely new way. this allows me not to feel like i am running away when i take time for myself.

if you’ve read all of this, thank you! this was a fun little something

#nice #i just came from a walk and thought yes #this is the perfect thing to do before i cook something #thank you for tagging me despite knowing most of it already lol #personal #tag game

9 notes · View notes

diaryofageekgirl · 3 years

Text

Mostly for myself b/c I want to make sure I don’t lose this somehow, but here’s the literal two hour conversation that @i-miss-balthazar and I spent talking about Benny/Balthazar:

i-miss-balthazar You were the Kat from my quiz??? I had no idea you shipped those pairings! And also Madison helping Sam in purgatory would’ve been way more fitting!

diaryofageekgirl Yeah I do! I have plans to do a rewrite of seasons 8 & 9, but it'll be forever before I get to them -_- And I love Madison a whole lot and would have loved to see her in Purgatory!

^What I meant by the season rewrites is I would include those ships in them lol

i-miss-balthazar You would :0

I need to read it

Please tag me, I’m BEGGING

diaryofageekgirl When I get to writing it I will!

i-miss-balthazar Do you have any Benny/Balthazar head canons???

diaryofageekgirl I could also write you a Benny/Balthazar one shot.......on a completely unrelated note, when's your birthday? 👀

i-miss-balthazar April 28th and that would make my entire year oh my goodness there isn’t enough Benny/Balthazar content out there

diaryofageekgirl 👌

i-miss-balthazar I didn’t mean to ship them so much it kinda just happened

Maybe I just want them to feel loved 😂

diaryofageekgirl I see Benny as someone who's very openly affectionate, and Balthazar as being someone who craves affection but sort of hides behind a sarcastic front? So Benny just s l o w l y wears him down into accepting all this love and adoration and Bal pretending to hate it but is secretly melting

oh mood

i-miss-balthazar Oh my goodness my HEART 🥺 that’s the sweetest headcanon ever and I totally see it. Benny would give the best hugs, I think.Balthazar’s 100% a little spoon xD

diaryofageekgirl He's got big strong arms - great for hugging & being the big spoon 😉

i-miss-balthazar For some reason I feel like Benny is taller than he actually is? Like I looked it up and Ty Olsson is only 5’10, but I always thought he was like 6’3 😂

Have you ever written about them before that I could read???

diaryofageekgirl WAit, he's 5'10???????

i-miss-balthazar Almost 5’11 I forgot about the decimal

diaryofageekgirl No, I haven't written anything for them yet. I'm working on my finale fix-it right now, then depending on how long that takes I might be going straight into femslash february after that. But after that I will at some point

aaaaaaand I just came up with another timestamp for the mer!verse

selkie!benny & merrow!balthazar

i-miss-balthazar Y e s

I had to look up what those are but wow am I glad I did

It’s perfect

i-miss-balthazar I like the idea of Balthazar playing cool in public but when it’s just the two of them he’s an absolute suck for attention, like a cat 😂

In public: sarcasm is my main form of communication In private: please hold me 🥺

diaryofageekgirl Oh for sure, just like, flat up against Benny's back, arms over his shoulders like "pay attention to me" 😩

i-miss-balthazar What about pet names for each other???

diaryofageekgirl I mean, just imagine Benny's deep Cajun voice calling Bal "mon amour". OR "MON ANGE"

and bal would call him something totally sappy in enochian but then tell him it means "pain in the ass" or smth

i-miss-balthazar Balthazar stealing Benny’s tee shirts even though they’re way to big for him because they remind him of Benny

diaryofageekgirl yessssssss

i-miss-balthazar Benny has nightmares about pirating/purgatory so Balthazar visits his dreams to calm him down and make him happy again because he can’t stand seeing Benny upset

diaryofageekgirl They're a nightmare in the kitchen bc Benny worked as a chef for years and is very particular about how certain dishes are made but Bal just keeps Adding More Alcohol

i-miss-balthazar Benny: no, you need to boil the alcohol out to use this Balthazar: that takes away all the fun!

diaryofageekgirl Benny: If you put too much alcohol in it won't set properly! Balthazar: That sounds like a You problem

i-miss-balthazar An iss-YOU not an iss-ME!! *pours more in*

diaryofageekgirl 🤣🤣🤣

i-miss-balthazar Benny’s not a morning person, and because Balthazar doesn’t need sleep he’s a morning person by default. So Benny’s always tired and grumbly in the mornings while Balthazar’s carrying on as usual so Benny will just catch him by the waist as he’s walking by to pull him into a hug and rest his chin on his angel’s shoulder because he’s still tired and just wants snuggles

diaryofageekgirl And Bal tries to keep doing whatever he was doing before and Benny just reaches out behind him and forces him to set whatever it is down and physically puts Bal's arms around him 🥰

i-miss-balthazar Midnight sailing date 🥰

diaryofageekgirl Midnight sailing date out over bioluminescent algae bloom: https://www.australiangeographic.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/11.jpg

i-miss-balthazar It kinda looks like angel grace if you squint

diaryofageekgirl That's exactly what I thought! (Benny def brings them there bc it makes him think of Balthazar's grace)

i-miss-balthazar Since Balthazar’s an angel and doesn’t technically need his blood do you think Benny could use him as a food source so he wouldn’t have to worry about robbing blood banks/eating people

diaryofageekgirl yessssssss that's exactly what I think!!! And Benny's unsure about it at first, kinda scared to bite him bc he's so used to his bite killing or turning people but Bal convinces him and it's so much better than blood bags

i-miss-balthazar Plot twist Balthazar’s blood alcohol content gets Benny drunk😂

diaryofageekgirl there's a blood of Christ joke in there somewhere but I can't think of it 🤔

i-miss-balthazar And the wine is my blood -last supper or something I haven’t been to church in awhile 😂

diaryofageekgirl Do you think he'd ever get a bit of grace along with the blood?

i-miss-balthazar In theory, I could see it happening. what would that taste/feel like I wonder

diaryofageekgirl I imagine it would be a moment of absolute euphoria

i-miss-balthazar Benny’s grip on Balthazar would tighten sharply, and Balthazar would let out a soft gasp of surprise and delight at the sudden possessiveness because secretly he loves it when Benny gets like that

diaryofageekgirl 😍😍😍 And Benny gets all blushy and apologetic about it later and Balthazar is just like "Don't you dare apologize for that. In fact, do it more often."

i-miss-balthazar My goodness I need more Benny/Balthazar content they’re just so perfect and I love them

diaryofageekgirl You could always write some 👀👀👀 Be the change you want to see in the world 👀👀👀

i-miss-balthazar Mmm soft movie nights where they’re bundled in a soft blanket and Balthazar’s in Benny’s lap so Benny can idly play with his hair while they watch the show. Neither of them particularly care about the movies they just like the cuddles

diaryofageekgirl (If you did I would be so down to read it)

i-miss-balthazar I might have to. However I promised myself I’d finish writing the next chapter in my main wip before I started another project so I may need some time.

diaryofageekgirl that's fair. Let me know if you do end up writing something for them

i-miss-balthazar Absolutely!!!!

#kat chats #spn #benny lafitte #balthazar #benthazar #come.......join us in rarepair hell

7 notes · View notes

lunamanar · 5 years

Text

Embodiment

So, the last three or four years have been...rough. It’s weird, the way time seems to warp when you’re going through something. You think of your current, extended trauma as being somehow apart from the life you were living before it started, and you keep thinking it’s just temporary, and that once it’s over, you’ll be able to get back to the way things were. Time will start again. ‘Now’ doesn’t really count.

And you keep waiting for “now” to be over...but it just keeps going, and pretty soon you’re not sure if it’s ever going to end. Like you’ve been diverted down some darker timeline that isn’t really yours, but there’s also no going back.

It feels horrible. It feels like you’ve been lied to. This wasn’t part of the plan, it was supposed to be a detour that would ultimately circle back to the main road, and home. Now you’re in some strange place, you’re lost, you have no GPS signal, and the 'detour’ has vanished behind you. Wherever you are, you’re here. ‘Home’ is a memory. This is it, this mess is your life, now, and you never wanted it to be this way, but you can’t change it, so you have to find some way of living with it...and with your grief.

I spent three years thinking I was still on the detour, waiting for the moment everything felt safe again and I could finally breathe a sigh of relief that it was all over. I thought that moment would come when I bought this house. When my husband finally moved up with me from the old house. When I finally started working from home. When I got my promised raise. When I finished the last of my three years of training. When, finally, I sold my old house.

But months after that last milestone was reached, I was still lost. I’ve been working steadily in the job I’d fought so hard to acquire. I managed to keep in touch with Tumblr and Discord for the first couple years, but as time dragged on and my schedule never quieted, my energy began to flag. I fought that; I’ve done everything I can to make this new house Like Home. The walls are painted, pictures are hung (which is more progress than we made on the old house in our 6 years of living there!), we replaced flooring. I got a new computer, a monster rig I built myself that will hopefully last me another 10 years, just like its predecessor. Got a new car. I’ve done everything to infuse this place with myself, my family, my interests. Everything that makes me who I am. Everything outward about my life would have you believe that I’ve settled, that this is home to me, now. It should be.

And still, I’ve found myself holding my breath, waiting for Time to start again.

It’s been so confusing. Nothing makes sense: why haven’t things gone back to normal? Why do I feel so displaced? Why doesn’t my bed feel like it used to at the other place? Why can’t I concentrate? Why can’t I feel safe enough, settled enough to go back to writing? After all this struggle and accomplishment, why do I feel like such a goddamn failure?

Where’s that feeling I used to have of connectedness? Of confidence? What’s happened to me that I’m so insecure and lost-feeling, flinching at every perceived danger to my self-worth? I��ve done so much, come so far! Everything should be fine. I shouldn’t be this broken. I’ve built this life, this house all around me. I should be home, by now.

This confusion, and the creeping fear and despair that follows it, along with a grueling work schedule, has resulted not only in my continued silence (albeit with occasional pop-ins to deal with situations of immediacy, like the tumblr purge, as well as simply to indicate “I’m not dead, no one steal my url plz lol”), but a stagnation in my creativity. Not that I haven’t raged against the dying of the light--not a week goes by I don’t open a story I’d been working on in 2015 and at least stare at it for a few minutes--but the vision, the enthusiasm I had for them before eluded me, and any words I put down were more this seems to go here than this is what happened, like I was finishing someone else’s abandoned jigsaw puzzle. I could still see where all the pieces went and even how they fit together, but that’s not how it’s supposed to work for me. I feel my way through my writing puzzles. I know what goes where, because I just know. I don’t have to look.

That was gone, and it was the same everywhere. These stories felt vast and overwhelming, and I was no longer grand enough to contain them. I wasn’t an integral part of them, like I had been. I was just another visitor, constantly checking my map, trying to figure out just where the hell I was going with all this. I was small and too disconnected to feel like I had the authority to write for this world, or any other. To say anything about it at all, really. I’d gone away, and like so many other spectres of home, it didn’t know me, anymore.

To say I’ve felt isolated, even abandoned, for the past several months, would be an understatement. I’ve blamed no one but myself. I made the choice to take this job, to uproot myself and move everything and everyone I knew to a place none of us had lived before, on the premise that it would make our lives better. I’m the one who turned off the main road. I was behind the wheel, for all of this. If that frankly traumatic process had destroyed my ability to be open, to be grand, to remember how to feel and lift up all of the things I love and let them breathe through my words, then that was my fault.

It sounds dramatic, I guess. But, I imagine, a lot of people who write understand this experience of feeling at once both insignificantly small and unfathomably vast all at once, where you can feel exactly how the influence of your words changes the world and its story as you write them, such that you don’t really have to think about it; you change the trajectory slightly, and the world in your head shifts with it naturally. You don’t have to remember to change this or that detail later to align it. You already know it’s changed to reflect what you’ve done, because of course it has. You know what a character would say in any given situation, because you put them in it and they’re there, saying it. You at once have no real control over it, while being utterly tuned into it, to the point of omniscience. Being unable to access that part of yourself is suffocating.

The worst part is when you know that you’re the one choking yourself, but you have no idea how to stop. I know I’m home, everything is okay, so why don’t I feel like it? I could do this, before, I could feel this, before. Where has that feeling gone? Why can’t I remember?

In the midst of this whole transition, I’d slowly stopped doing things that connected me with those feelings. I stopped listening to much music because I had no time. I stopped taking walks because I was too tired and I didn’t know the area. I stopped going on long drives just to talk and listen to music with my husband, because gas is expensive and the tags on that car are expired (still). And, let’s be honest: I stopped taking the pain medication that made relaxing so I could get into that headspace a hell of a lot easier.

Somehow no single one of these faded habits seemed significant, and by themselves, they probably weren’t. But together, over time, the lack of these and other rituals I’d kept without thinking about it when I lived in NC had closed me off. Unused pathways in my brain became overgrown with other things, thoughts and worries, weeds and vines. When I moved, it wasn’t just the geographical scenery that changed. The landscape of my very neurons changed to cope with the stress, adapt to new social patterns at work, clear out space to make room for all the technical mumbo jumbo being shoveled at me.

The fact is, by the time the dust settled, my whole world had changed, inside and out. Even if I could have gone back to NC, it wouldn’t have mattered at all.

Realizing this was one of the most depressing, horrifying feelings. And the thing was? I knew better. Hell, I wrote a short story years ago that was exactly about this, about a character who had left home with the intent to return, but when he finally got the opportunity to try, too much had changed, about him and the world, to recover the serenity he’d left behind. Now I write about another character whose life changed the day he was separated from his sister, who, in the course of building himself up to be deserving of her again, disconnected himself from the vulnerabilities that had enriched his life and then forgot she even existed.

This is either obscenely ironic, or it’s absolutely, perfectly human (well, I think it’s both, really). How easily we convince ourselves that that closed road, that turn off into the woods, that slight change in trajectory is just a detour. We should know better. We do it anyway. That’s why is a horror trope.

I’ve been lost in those woods for years. I got out, just yesterday. I escaped because I was attacked by a monster. Something happened to me in those woods. I almost lost someone I loved. No, I don’t want to talk about it.

But it’s a fact that a side-effect of the event was to mark a definitive end to the endless transition. My life now is very different from what it was two days ago. No more limbo, no more waiting. Time has started again. It was necessary to tear up the brambles in my brain to free the gears and expose the roots of deeper things beneath.

Here’s what I learned, or rather, lived: everything changes. There is no going back, but the starting point, home and whatever that means to you, will always be there, somewhere, even if the roads you took to get there are thick with obstructing experiences. Those roads have roots in you, and those threads are how you’ll find your way.

If you do, by choice or chance, the home you’ll come back to will have changed, too, thrived or crumbled as you’ve allowed it. You may or may not want to linger; I imagine that would depend on the person. As for me, I feel incredibly lucky. I was welcomed in my dreams.

Not welcomed back. It’s not a question of being back. It’s being here, and knowing what you’re about. It’s accepting home for what it is: the embodiment of connection and definition. Roots and branches that enable everything you are to feel and breathe.

It’s easy to lose those magical taps, the points from which we draw inspiration and awe. If you find yourself cut off from them entirely, regardless where your life has taken you, you can die right there on the vine. I can’t tell anyone what feeds their soul, but I will say it’s worth learning what that is, and that no matter how quick of a detour you think you’re taking, you keep those things close to your chest. They’re what you’ll need to reach for, in the end.

Hello, again.

#personal #essay #home #ff8 #writing #longpost #long post #bonus!#find all the ff8 references #because i was SHAMELESS with them #early easter egg hunt

9 notes · View notes

lala-the-rebel · 6 years

Note

Could you do prompt 131 with logince

Ask and ye shall receive…how many weeks later lol I’m so sorry I couldn’t think of anything for a while but I finally did and I’m proud of it

Prompt (forgot this too I’m sorry I’m posting at 3am): “Can we just stay in bed?”

Word count: 1,031

Warnings: just some shenanigans between the bois plus one tiny curse word from anxious boi (how dare I know)

Tags: (I knew I forgot something): @anxious-fander-talian-bean @toujours-fidele @fandersunite

He was running. He didn’t know what from, but he knew if he made it to Roman he would be safe.

Safe. Safe from whatever this hell was that he was experiencing. Safe in Roman’s arms.

He wasn’t that far away. He was so close, he could’ve touched him. He reached his hand out.

Then he woke up.

The alarm beeped persistently in his ear. He had to turn it off now. And as much as he wanted to go back to his dream, he couldn’t if he tried.

He made the move to get up, but Roman’s hold around him got tighter. He must have got woken up too.

“Roman, let me go.”

The prince groaned in complaint. “No, don’t leave me.”

“You know we have stuff to do today,” Logan said as he reached to hit the switch. He succeeded, then reached for his glasses.

“I know, but I don’t wanna get up.”

“You never do,” Logan joked. “Can you, just for me?”

His grip on Logan got even tighter. “No. Stayyyyyy-”

“Roman.”

“Can we just, like, stay in bed today?” he mumbled.

“I wish, but we promised Patton we were gonna do that thing with him.”

Roman adjusted himself, letting Logan go. “Virgil can help him, can’t he?”

“He needs us, too.” The logical side got up, stretching. “Get up.”

Roman moved onto his back and put more blankets around himself. “No.”

“Don’t make me get you up.”

“I am technically up, you know. I’m no longer sleeping,” Roman pointed out, raising a finger for effect.

“Up and out of the bed. You know that’s what I meant,” Logan said, arms crossed.

Roman went further into the blankets. “Never.”

Logan looked at him. “Just do it.” He walked into the closet. They had been in his room, sharing the bed. He got dressed quickly then made his way back out. Roman was still in his same position.

“Fine then.” Logan went back over to his side of the bed. He grabbed the pillow he had been laying on, sat on the bed, and whacked Roman on the head with said pillow. That made him immediately sit up.

“Excuse you!”

Logan hit him again, not as hard however. “Get. Up.” He ordered as seriously as he could, resisting the urge to laugh.

Roman returned fire with his own pillow, barely missing Logan. That resulted in the other to start giggling, which is what he was trying to avoid. “I would if you stopped hitting me!”

“Okay,” Logan agreed. After a pause, he struck the prince with the pillow again. Roman got him back, resulting this time in Logan falling off of the bed. He began laughing super loudly, then realized what he did. “You good?” he asked, concerned.

All he got in return was a fit of giggles. He unwrapped himself from the blankets and leaned over the side of the bed, inspecting Logan. He was fine. Giggling like mad, but fine.

“Good, you’re- gah!” Before he knew it, Roman was pulled off of the bed by Logan. He landed hard on his butt on the floor, almost on Logan. They both eventually fell into a bout of giggles.

“What was that for?” Roman said, stopping long enough just to say something before giggling again.

“You did it to me,” Logan snickered.

“Doesn’t mean you do it back!”

“With you, it does,” teased Logan. He got up before he could receive the wrath of Roman. He ran out of the room for effect, cackling along the way.

“Oh no, you’re not leaving!” Roman shouted, following him.

Logan scurried to the stairs, running into Virgil on his departure down. “Morning, Virgil.”

The anxious side watched him fly down past him. “Morning,” he replied reluctantly. He barely took another step before Roman yelled behind him.

“You’re not getting away that easy, calculator-watch!” he shouted from the top of the stairs before walking down. Well, more like sliding down on the banister. To avoid hitting Virgil, he loudly urged him to move. Virgil did, almost falling off the stairs in the process, but succeeding. “Sorry, Virge!” Roman apologized as he flew down.

“It’s fine,” Virgil replied as he watched him go down. He snickered a bit to himself as he walked down to the kitchen area, meeting Patton in the dining room. “Those dorks.”

Patton turned his attention. “What now?”

“I don’t know exactly. I just know Logan has Roman running around in his underwear.”

Patton snorted. “Did he, like, steal his pants or something?” he asked.

“Who knows,” Virgil laughed. “Probably. Be entertaining if he did.” Not too long after, Logan ran in, sliding on the tile since he was in socks still. He made his way to stand behind Patton’s chair.

Roman followed him, stopping on the other side. “You can’t hide behind Patton! That’s cheating!”

The other two started snickering as Logan answered. “Too late. I already am.”

Roman noticed them finally.”What are you laughing at? Us arguing?”

“Kind of,” Virgil snorted. “I know breakfast is a calm and casual time of the morning, but not that casual.”

“What do you mean by that?” Roman asked.

Patton snickered even more, hitting his hands slightly on the table. Virgil covered his mouth to hide his grin. “I mean you, Prince Pantless.” Patton lost it, which made even Logan snicker.

Roman looked down, realizing it. “Really?!”

Several snorts. “Yeah.”

“I’ll put pants on if Logan lets me catch him,” Roman bargained.

“Okay, fine, you can- ow!” Virgil had elbowed him in the chest. When Logan looked to get mad at him, the look he gave back basically said ‘Don’t. Have fun with it.’

And boy, was Logan going to.

“On second thought, never mind.” Logan bolted out of the room as fast as he could, smirking the entire way.

“Haul ass, Logan!” Virgil cheered with a snicker. Roman scowled back at him, then began chasing the logical side again.

The other two snickered as they continually saw flashes of red, black, and a tiny bit of blue run around for a long time. They’d tire out eventually, but until then, they had some entertainment with their breakfast.

“Those freaking dorks.”

#thomas sanders #sanders sides #logince #the logince rebel writes

320 notes · View notes