#I don't really know anymore if that's a common anxiety thing or something I should tag as a 'trigger warning'?
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I can't stop thinking about that Wing AU and Sticky plucking his feathers...
(Weird, angsty ramblings that might require some knowledge of bird anatomy to fully understand to follow)
(Basically, when birds grow feathers they start as "blood feathers" which are basically just little sacks of blood and growing cells. After this, they are "pin feathers", and the blood is all inside where it belongs, leaving the feather all rolled up and covered in this papery stuff that rubs off and leaves a fully grown feather. Also, Primaries are the big "pointer finger" feathers at the tip of the wings, Secondaries are the medium sized ones from the "wrist" joint to the "elbow", where they get smaller and are referred to as Tertiaries. That should be it :>)
Because, in real life, it's quite common in pet psittacines (Parrots: so, macaws, cockatoos, budgies, lovebirds, etc.) especially when they are stressed. And it can get out of control really fast and take a long time to train the bird out of even though it's very obviously hurting it.
And I just keep thinking about how young he was when he started being on TV. And for a while the fluffy little baby feathers were cute but an entertainment industry seeking engagement instead of connection demanded he grow up too fast.
And so the make-up/wardrobe department for any competition he was on started pulling some of the downy feathers. There weren't that many left at this point regardless, but they assured him it would make him seem more mature and appeal to a wider audience. And it would be fine, it wouldn't really hurt him, especially since he was growing in big feathers anyway.
So it went. With Sticky being so self-conscious and anxious anyway, he probably kept his wings tucked in tight behind him no matter what people thought about them.
He had never put that much consideration into how he looked, but now he can't stop thinking about it. He doesn't know why it's so important, but apparently it matters to people. He doesn't want it to matter. He doesn't want to be seen or recognised. He just wants to be left alone.
He starts fidgeting with the pin feathers that will one day unfurl into adult primaries, and even though he knows it's counter-intuitive because removing the casings will only free the feathers sooner, he can't help it. A few times he goes too far and starts picking at blood feathers, and even though the red coats his finger tips more often than he'd like, he still can't stop his hands from scratching and pulling and yanking as he grows more and more agitated.
And then he ran away
He ran and he couldn't keep his hands off his wings for more than a few minutes. Tugging and raking his fingers through the feathers in a futile attempt to calm down. The first couple of times, it's an accident.
The first couple of times he's so caught up in soundless panic and all he can hear is his own breathing, it's only later that he notices a small cluster of secondaries, close to his body and almost never seen with how rigidly he holds himself, are missing. Small pieces of the night sky littering the alleyway ground where he'd been hiding.
His wings are so dark in colour, not to mention unkempt after a few weeks hiding and running and flitting from place to place trying to find safety, that the other kids don't even notice anything wrong.
It isn't until a few days later, when they're all in the backyard attempting to practice their Morse Code, and Kate does something that startles him that they really see what kind of a state his wings are in.
Most birds, when scared or on edge, will carefully spread their wings. Maybe not a lot, but they are preparing to fly away or make themselves look bigger in hopes to scare off the threat. (I imagine Milligan having great big owl wings that he puffs up to try and guard the children when the Recruiters come after them in the maze)
But Sticky just draws them in closer to his body. When he is scared, which Constance would note is often, he holds his wings so tightly to his back that they seem half their size. This would be considered odd and in some ways handicapping himself or keeping him from being able to react properly.
But this time, as Kate wobbles unstably out of her cartwheel and lets out a shriek of laughter, landing on the ground right next to him, Sticky jumps. He starts off the bench he had been sitting on, hunching his shoulders and reflexively spreading his wings.
And instead of the fully extended mix of fully grown flight feathers and occasionally wayward piece of down the other kids have, Sticky's wings are a mess. They have a skeletal quality, with just enough plumage that when they are folded in it's hardly noticeable, but when they are extended it's clear there are significant gaps. The remaining feathers have the dull, stunted quality of someone who has been under an incredible amount of stress without nearly enough nutrients to fuel them, and indeed Sticky looks rather like a feral cat in that moment: Spooked and curling in on himself as if expecting a fight.
He quickly realises his overreaction, and then processes that the girls are staring at his wings (Reynie's eye did dart up, but quickly returned to looking at Sticky's face), so he jerks them back into a resting position. Though there's nothing particularly restful about how stiff his posture is, back ramrod straight and muscles so tight he's beginning to shake.
However, this is something that the others know he doesn't want to share yet. And he doesn't need to. Not until he's ready.
So, Kate grabs the flashlight from where it had fallen to the ground, a sheepish grin on her face as she apologises for scaring him.
Reynie suggests they all go inside, take a break and get something to eat before they begin again.
Constance glares at Sticky suspiciously, but right as she opens her mouth she seems to think better of her questions and simply shrugs.
And Sticky is grateful for his friends, grateful that he has these people who love him enough to trust him with his secrets, even though they don't know each other very well yet. So he follows them inside, and if Kate dumps a little bit more food on his plate, and Constance doesn't try to swipe his juice glass this time, and if that night (for the first time) Reynie shyly asks if the two of them could take turns preening each others' wings, when it's just the two of them alone in the room, Sticky thinks he might be able to trust them too.
#Anyways#I wanted to get this idea out of my head so I could actually think about other things#Because it has been crowding out a lot of other thoughts lately#That's what I get for getting all excited about bird anatomy I guess :/#I hope it isn't too annoying or weird#But it's a super real thing that lack of proper nutrition can mess up a bird's feathers too#Birds are kind of ridiculously delicate#In other ways aside from the hollow bones I mean#But at least they're not as bad as horses#All this is mostly based off my own experience with anxiety and doing stuff like pulling on my hair or pinching myself?#I don't really know anymore if that's a common anxiety thing or something I should tag as a 'trigger warning'?#I thought it was normal but if anyone has an issue with it please tell me#Anyways like I said#Lots of feelings about wing aus and birds and a TON of feelings about Sticky#Whoo I finished that now I can retreat to the safety of my phone and leave the clown behind#the mysterious benedict society#mbs#sticky washington#mbs wing au
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— White.
synopsis: You, who swore would never humiliate yourself like that for a guy, proceeds to do exactly that.
pairing: ricky × gn!reader
warnings: its a little angsty at first, not exactly fluffy, the reader is not feeling loved. gunwook is their friend. open but hopeful ending!
word count: 1.5k
a/u: I don't have a song this time, but I imagine ricky as a white cat way too much and this is inspired by that. Feedback is appreciated!
It was white day.
Not that it matters, nobody got you nothing on Valentines day, you didn't had this type of connections with people.
Obviously, your friend joked about giving you chocolate if his valentine didn't accept (he was a sweetheart like that), but fate be made, the valentine accepted, and now you have to see a smiley Gunwook kicking his feet at the cute card named to him by, apparently, Junhyeon.
You didn't exactly known junhyeon, but everyone kinda knows junhyeon, so it wasn't that strange that Gunwook would fall for him, but him reciprocate? It was kinda cute, see your best friend happy always made you happy anyways, even if you are indeed a lonely soul in school.
— Sorry... I got a little carried away. — The huge and bright smile on Gunwook's face was almost blinding, causing a huge contrast between the large and imposing figure despite being adorable, and you, who looked more like a bag of sadness than a human being, and it was obvious that the tall boy would notice, blinking his round bright eyes in his direction, making you feel even worse than before. - Are you okay?
That question could be an insignificant from anyone, but for some reason when it was Gunwook, you already felt the urge to cry completely invade you in an overwhelming way, because that was the truth, he really cared, and it made you sad not knowing what to say to him. Pulling a paper from inside your book, making origami had already become an inevitable habit to control anxiety, a small hobby from when you was a child that ended up lasting until now, with each fold it was as if it slowly became easier to deal with the whole environment.
— I don't know... There's no reason for me to be sad, right? I wasn't denied or anything — That was true, you had never come out so you hadn't had any disappointments during Valentine's Day, but now you questioned whether it was a good decision as it felt even worse dealing with the weight to be truly alone.
— You should give something to Ri- —The sharp edge to Gunwook's speech came in the form of your hand firmly pressed against the Korean's full lips, widening your eyes in pure panic as you looked around to make sure no one had heard him just saying your crush's name like it was the dumbest thing in the world.
— Have you finally lost your mind?
Ricky was a difficult topic, complex to talk about so vaguely. To say that he was popular was almost to diminish the relevance that the chinese boy had in the school, you would never dare compare him to any other popular person in that school, he looked much more like a prince walking among commoners than just someone charismatic who was a class leader like Gunwook. He was handsome, smart, silent and graceful in everything he did, it was impossible not to fall in love with him and you were no exception, but you weren't a person who deserved any attention from the other either, which again left you feeling a bit downcast.
— How would I give him anything? What does he not have? Only on Valentine's Day did I see chocolates and more chocolates fall out of his cabinet... The door wouldn't even close anymore! — The words rushed out of your mouth and you wondered if Gunwook was keeping up, but it was just the only way you could talk about Quanrui without completely freaking out and slamming your head against the wooden table. Muttering low and putting your face in your hands, you really didn't know what to do, but now that Gunwook had already put such an idea in your head, it was inevitable for your brain to go through several scenarios where you declared yourself and were completely humiliated.
— You could give him this flower... I really like your origami, maybe he does too!
Gunwook was literally like a beautiful fairy full of flowers and sparkles around him as he talked so romantically about proposing to the most desired boy in school, while you at most looked like a shrunken, disheveled ugly goblin trying to believe you might have a chance with the handsome prince. You felt pathetic looking at the paper flower in your hands. Quanrui was the greatest example of money there was, why would he accept that piece of garbage?
— I think I'm going to pass getting humiliated today... I'll go ahead to the club — You didn't feel so comfortable in that noisy and busy room anymore, and the idea of ending up somehow ruining the amazing day Gunwook was having just for be unloved was giving you a headache.
Packing your things into your bag, you smiled at Gunwook, shifting your gaze for a moment to the flower on top of your desk, deciding at the last moment with a glimmer of hope that your romantic side hadn't yet been crushed by bad feelings, only to take into account your best friend's worried look in your direction, with no intention of actually delivering it to its intended recipient.
And even with all those thoughts pretty much settled in your mind as you left the room in a bit of a hurry and just slowed down the halls, your feet took you almost automatically to the cabinets where you'd first noticed Ricky a few months earlier.
He was beautiful that day, but it was hard to find a day when he wasn't. However, what was different was that he looked out of place, with a large, dark sweatshirt covering his entire body, with the hood pulled so far forward that it was difficult to even see the blond strands that were so distinctive on him. Obviously you had already heard about the Chinese boy who was a prodigy and above all he was extremely handsome, but seeing him like that trying to hide from the almost empty corridor made you forget for a second who he was, genuinely caring for him as a person, and it was exactly at that moment that you decided to talk to him, in an audacity that you had never shown to anyone, just trying to know if the boy was okay and receiving a nod in response.
Such a stupidly simple encounter made you so in love with him, who would have thought.
Now you could notice the strange coincidence that your lockers were really so close to each other, subtly touching your nameplate and sliding just two to the side to find his, "Shen Quanrui", very imposing, really suited him and every appearance it carried. With a smile on your lips, it was almost strange not to see any gifts overflowing through the bars outside the cabinet, but maybe the girls were really waiting for him to answer someone, not desperate to get a chance. Deciding to let the side that listened to Gunwook speak louder inside you, you took the paper flower to the locker openings, placing it inside until the end of the stem, but keeping the flower itself outside with a proud smile in the face.
And would you really have left it at that, resigning yourself to your platonic crush going anonymous forever and maybe one day eventually getting over what never would happen... If it weren't for the chill that went down your spine a few seconds after your silent statement, causing you to spin on your heels and find yourself face to face with a confused Ricky, looking at you only to then stare at the flower hanging in his locker.
— Hm? Y/n...? — It was almost a sin to hear your name come out of such a calm and melodious voice in such an awkward situation, even more so with Ricky's eyes shining in complete expectation trying to understand probably why you were there when he hadn't declared himself at any moment in Valentine's day, or how you had the courage to be humiliating yourself in such a way when no one else had done it... The possibilities were many, and all of them painful making you want to disappear into your own clothes.
— Hi, Ricky... — The awkward silence stretched after that, with your eyes wandering to your feet that restlessly rocked in place, but curiosity soon made you look at Quanrui noticing that he was also moving the box of sweets in his hand, as if he couldn't think of a way to say anything. Feeling your stomach sink at the thought that you were somehow preventing him from proposing, you didn't know if you wanted to cry or throw up with despair, but both options seemed reasonable. — I'm sorry, I must be disturbing you...
— No! — The tall boy’s hand were warmer than you would have guessed, curling completely around your wrist as if he was afraid you would run away again, which made you look at Ricky confused, trying to understand what that meant until he cautiously stretched out the box in his hand towards you. — Sorry it took so long...
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Hi Sam! I’m really interested in what you said about taking an adderall before socializing so that you don’t have to spend the next several days agonizing about the awkward shit you said. I’ve never heard anyone talk about that as a benefit before.
Is it because taking it makes you less likely to say the awkward shit at all? Or because it just makes you less likely to fixate on it later? I mean, either way sounds pretty good, I’m just curious and intrigued.
Yeah, it's pretty fascinating. I'm going to try to put this in coherent order but there is a lot going on here, so let's start with the disclaimer that a lot of this is anecdotal or based in casual research, so I don't have sources to cite, but you should be able to google and explore for yourself.
SHORT VERSION: Adderall doesn't alter my behavior, at least as far as I can tell; it might somewhat inhibit my bad habit of interrupting, but that’s not why I take it. I take it because it prevents me from reacting emotionally to awkward moments in a social situation or remembering those moments later. The result is that instead of thinking "Oh, that thing I did was super awkward" and obsessing over it, when it probably wasn't awkward and if it was nobody remembers it anyway, I just don't have any strong emotion attached to it so I don't remember and feel bad about it later.
It's like if the color red constantly burned your eyes, and you could take a drug that would turn down the saturation. You still see the color, but now you see it the way everyone else sees it, and it doesn't hurt anymore.
The long version is...more complex, but I'm including it because I want to talk about why this maybe happens.
The reason I have such fraught emotions surrounding socializing is that I have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which is a common aspect of ADHD. It's not the only reason one might obsessively relive embarrassing moments, but if you have ADHD, RSD is the likely cause. RSD is linked to poor emotional regulation which derives from a deficiency in executive function. So this whole family of ADHD symptoms -- poor focus, poor short-term memory, time blindness -- all come from a basic failure of executive function, and so does RSD. And luckily for me, my poor executive function can be treated with stimulants (some people, even people with ADHD, don’t respond well to them).
Even though RSD seems dissimilar to other aspects of ADHD, because the stimulant addresses a neurological root cause, anything stemming from that cause is, to some degree, alleviated by the medication.
RSD can manifest in various ways. I'm generally fine when I'm present in a social situation, but I struggle to resolve shame and anxiety around past behavior. I have spent a lot of time worrying that people who, let's be clear, I know love and respect me, have finally had enough of me and something I said or did was the last straw. I know intellectually this is not the case and I have spent my adult life striving to remind myself of that so that I don’t come off as a needy creep who constantly has to be reassured of other peoples’ affections. Emotionally, however, I was incapable of reconciling these memories. They just hung around in my brain, causing me a lot of pain and regret.
So there’s a chain reaction of saying something, realizing it may have been somewhere between "slightly weird" and "deeply upsetting", and encoding it in my memory with strong emotions of shame and fear attached to it. I then involuntarily relive those memories and the emotions attached to them afterward -- usually only for a few days, but depending on the event, sometimes off and on for years. I suspect this derives from our very early ancestors, who had to hard-code dangerous situations into their memories so if they encountered them again they'd recognize them as dangerous. My brain simply encodes every social interaction as having a fairly high level of danger. This situation is fucking life-threatening, don't go near one again or you'll feel like this forever. Except in my case "this situation" is not dangerous, it's just a dinner party with friends or a meeting with a colleague or a first date.
It seems that the Adderall switches off that instinct to categorize social interaction as inherently dangerous by allowing me to regulate my emotions. If I’m not feeling fear in the moment -- because there’s no reason to be afraid! -- then my brain doesn’t categorize the moment as dangerous, and won’t remember it negatively later. I won’t really remember it at all. So my memories go from “A dinner party where I said three terrible things that I feel shame over” to “A dinner party where I had some really nice conversations.” Do I remember the conversations? Not in detail, and that’s fine. That’s how memory is supposed to work.
And now, because I know if I take an Adderall half an hour before a party starts I won’t feel shame or fear after the party ends, I’m even more capable of relaxing and enjoying myself, meaning I’m even less likely to feel negative emotions that would cause me to remember things with shame later. I just thought shame was a price you paid for socializing; I knew the amount I felt wasn’t right, but I thought everyone else just put up with some amount of it. But no, it turns out when your brain isn’t constantly looking for a fucking lion trying to eat you in the middle of cocktail hour, the reason people go out and socialize is that it’s...fun to do. And it turns out when I’m not subconsciously terrified that I’m about to be drowned in quicksand, I actually form fond and positive memories of things.
Which is a little wild to be experiencing for the first time at the age of 43, but better late than never. And it means that while I still struggle a great deal with emotional intimacy, I’m much, much more capable of maintaining social contacts and deepening friendships because my friends can see and talk to me face-to-face and I can enjoy my time with them more.
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Here are some of my thoughts on Young Royals S3 ep 1-5
I’m just rambling here. This is probably going to be long, all over the place and not well articulated, so bear with me.
And before I talk about the show, I just need to say that it never ceases to amaze me how incredibly talented all the actors are.
First of all, I don’t blame either Simon or Wilhelm. They are in an incredibly stressful situation. They are bound to make mistakes and I think their actions while being stubborn and lacking common sense are understandable.
I really loved Simon this season and i was so exited there was more of a focus on him. We finally got to some of how everything affected him. It broke my heart to notice he wasn’t the loudest in the choir anymore and then him saying he’s not enjoying music. Side note: Dude had some banger lines this season
I find it ironic that everything that Wille found attractive in Simon’s in s1 became things that Simon has to shut down in order to be with him
If you told yesterday me that today me was actually okay with an August redemption arc, I would not have believed you. This in no way excuses his behavior, and he still has a lot to work on, but I think it was one of my favorite parts of this season.
I am not at all surprised by the Erik thing. since s1 I kept wondering when Willie's perfect image of him would come crumbling down, but can’t imagine how devastating it would be to learn that the person who was there for you the most was not this perfect person you thought they were and might not even accept you.
I was rooting hard for Micke and Sara. I knew it was unrealistic that he wasn’t going to hurt her again, but it was still so heartbreaking that he couldn’t pull it together for her. I think there are bigger issues going on than his ADHD that needs to be handled.
Why does the queen get space and help with her anxieties and grief, but when Wilhelm is struggling he gets no support and is seen as embarrassing and problematic????
Why the fuck was it Wilhelm's responsibility to teach Simon what not to do? Obviously, this kid who has never been in the public eye has no idea what he should or shouldn’t do, it almost seems like it was deliberate to get Wilmons relationship to fail idk. It would have been so easy to get something to teach him some basic media training. It's just disturbing how the court had absolutely zero regard for Simon’s safety.
I’ve seen people talk about Wilhelm being controlling over Simon. Is it acceptable or excusable behavior? Absolutely not, but let me put things into perspective. Wilhelm was raised in an abusive and very controlling environment. His opinions and feelings didn’t matter, and he was told it was love, so it made sense that he would try to do the same for Simon and expected him to go along with it. I think expecting Wilhelm to have healthy relationship skills is unrealistic, and the show never pretended he did. It’s been pretty obvious throughout that Wilhelm consistently projects his feelings and emotions onto other people.
I still don't know if Simon was breaking up with Wille or not, or they were just trying to frame it that way to scare us (honestly hoping it leads into a more mature conversation), but if he was… Wilhelm had it coming. He hasn’t been handling things very well and is taking it out on Simon, which is just not okay, and he doesn’t deserve that.
Before this season, I wasn’t sure how I felt about Wille abdicating, cause i still had this fantasy in my head of him as this queer king, but after everything I’ve seen this season, it’s so obvious how much this institution is killing him. He needs to get out and heal from his traumas and find out who he really is without all those rules and pressures.
I don’t even know if I want Wilmon to be an endgame. Obviously, I do, but at this point, I don’t think that’s what’s best for either of them. It’s been very clear this season how much they don’t (at the moment) fit into each other's lives.. Either some major things have to change (Wille abdicating) or they need to split up. I just hope that both boys get a good ending, even if it’s not with each other.
I don’t know... I’m emotionally exhausted, there are so many plot lines and I really don’t know how they are going to fix everything in one episode.
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So, this fandom we're in is kinda on the smaller side, not like Heartstopper, which is a whole different level of drama. But you know, each bit of drama we get here stays kinda contained; it doesn't really blow up and go all mainstream.
What I've noticed is most of the fans are way younger than the actors, and that makes their social media vibe totally different. Like, they expect Taylor and Nick to act the same way, thinking a follow or a like means something major. But, I'm a bit older than Nick, and we're from the same generation. We didn't overshare like they do, but now fans expect him to be all out there. He's not 22 anymore. And the mental health convo around him it's another topic I feel most fans didn't really understand. Yeah, he's open about it, but the way he deals with anxiety or depression now is not the same as everyone else. Feels like they're kinda babying him a bit. Case in point, the GQ event he left early. He did look a bit nervous, but trying to ease their minds with an explanation of why he left early (because "he was anxious") didn't sit right with me. Because it's a possibility, but we don't know how he actually feels. Like, he might've been in a rush, or it was a last-minute attendance thing because he has commitments with Fendi, and he just left. Like, he's not really an open book, even if he's easy to read. So trying to use his own mental health felt wrong in that situation.
Honestly, it's pretty simple—they've changed. They're keeping things more private, maybe it's got something to do with management, but I don't think it's a rebrand. I'm with you on that one.
Both Taylor and Nick blew up, got people interested in them, and that's crazy overwhelming to see from the outside. Like, imagine people digging into your private life, asking you to spill all the tea, and giving explanations when you really don't have to. It's just exhausting. Case in point, some fans got "upset" (and I'm using quotes because it was mostly jokes, but their humor crosses a lot of lines) 'cause Nick has to promote other stuff and, if he doesn't attend events, he's letting them down. Some folks tried to tell them it's not on Nick, it's Amazon they should be mad at. But no, that group just shrugs that off. Just 'cause Nick's humor is dark, silly and sarcastic doesn't mean they can do the same in such an invasive way.
I follow a couple of girls on TW who've been following Nick for ages, and they say he usually takes these long breaks from social media, then drops a bunch of pics or covers. I think he's trying to find some balance.
Overall, most of the drama happens 'cause some people lack common sense, real-life experience, and there's this big age gap between the actors, the author, and the fandom. Just the way it is, I guess.
I'm not entirely sure about the comment on the age range because the mutual I interact with are pretty much well into their adulthood, but at least I belong to the category you mentioned: I'm about ten years younger than Nick lmao
But like overall, I agree with what you said. We're not them. We don't actually know them. And aside from the obvious ones like they will be upset to some degree if they see insults thrown at them, I'm starting to think it's problematic to presume we know what they think. I had this from another ask that said "I think people diminish what the boys are doing, and pit them against each other because neither is doing what they want." And I think that rings true.
Parasocial relationships are weird man.
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Hi cas, it’s grieving anon. Here for the vibes today. TAYLOR SWIFT… I mean…
So, ive had a few weird things happen. I got distracted and fell over, and injured myself so yay… and then I had the weirdest thing happen.
So I mentioned I got nightmares right? That I woke my mum up by shouting and sitting up in my sleep. So I have a bunk bed (small room- needed space for a desk). And a few days ago I had this creepy dream and legit propelled myself out of bed- still half asleep and panicking. Then had to climb back in.
And last night I literally crawled from lying down to the other end of my bed and climbed over the bars and fell OVER and OFF my bed to the floor 😭
You know the length of like, a normal door? It was like that far that I fell. I woke up both my parents.
IM 16! I shouldn’t be flying out of bed. Luckily i’m not too hurt tho. I remember the dream, I was just climbing over a fence, I couldn’t feel the floor but I knew it was there so I let go, and then I WOKE UP ON MY FUCKIGN FLOOR.
Like whyyyyy.
Anyway. So Long, London. My first favourite. “HOW MUCH SAD DID YOU, think I had, did you, think I had in me, HOW MUCH TRAGEDY?”
Then, of course, I Can Do It With A Broken Heart. AMAZING. Yes.
And, Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?
So far, they’re my fav but i’m sure the others will claw their way into my heart too.
Anyway, my sisters been annoying me. She seems annoyingly fine. She called all the injury’s i’ve been getting “pre-exam” injuries… NO! They’re post fucking death injuries.
I know her, I know she’s suffering in silence. But it means whenever I see her, she seems fine. And it’s fucking annoying.
I don’t know anymore. My mum, she said her nightmares went away after my Nans death when she went to a grief therapist or something. i’ve never gone to a therapist. I don’t know how it’d feel. And, I don’t really have the time.
But I don’t want to wake up on my floor again.
I feel like I blinked and my life became this mess I can’t control. And I have no energy to anymore. I lost all my fire. I used to strive to learn and care and participate. Now i’d happily rot away. Why bother.
Anyway (that’s like the third time i’ve said that now 🤦♀️) “IM JUST GETTING COLOUR BACK INTO MY FACE IM JUST MAD AS HELL CAUSE I LOVED THIS PLACE”
Writing these at the end of some of my days has been very stress relieving so thank you. I’ve bullied myself into not picking the scab on the horrid massive cut I got from falling over. I’ve refrained from pressing into the bruises I got from sleep falling/climbing off my stupid bed.
“IS IT A WONDER I BROKE. LETS HEAR ONE MORE JOKE”
This isn’t even my usual music vibe 😭
“DONT YOU WORRY FOLKS, WE TOOK OUT ALL HER TEETH” Iconic.
“YOU SHOULD BE. YOU SHOULD BE.”
“YOU WOULDN’T LAST AN HOUR IN THE ASYLUM WHERE THEY RAISED ME”
Literally everything i’ve tried to do this week has failed. School work, running, sleeping.
I’m so tired.
Hi hon! I'm so glad to hear from you! <3
Nightmares after a loss are SUPER common, and you're right to know that they don't have to do with exams. As far as therapy, I know you said you don't have time, and I used to say the same thing but then I got to thinking...
I wasted SO much time being sad, run down, anxious, depressed. Like I probably spent at least an hour a day in anxiety paralysis, you know? So devoting an hour a week to STOPPING those symptoms actually saves me time, in the long run.
It may not feel the same for you, but it's something to think about! <3
I'm so glad you like TTPD. Using music to cope is also super helpful. Screaming lyrics is so...emotionally rejuvinating.
Keep messaging me <3 I'm thinking of you!
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I went to my uni's library yesterday after class to study. I'm quite behind this week! My initial plan was "after class, go study." Easy. Simple. Right?
Nope! Get to the library and immediately shut down. I know the things that I need to do, but suddenly, I can't think of ANY of it. My body refuses to start, and I end up in a state of listlessness.
After some "debugging," I came to these observations:
1) I was probably dissociating from the stress of everything I had to do. I couldn't tell (I felt fine), but the lack of cooperation from my body suggests I was struggling to cope.
2) I had too much to do. Too much on the mind. Again, I knew what I had to do! But when it came to it, my working memory was full, the gears were clogged up, and I couldn't begin to untangle the web of choosing what to do first.
Here are a few solutions I came to:
1) If it isn't working, don't punish yourself by staying there in a stupor. Get up. Move. Do something else, but not something dissociative like social media, games, or drugs. Keep it cognitively relaxed, incorporate movement if you can.
2) talk to someone. My uni has "peer listening," which isn't therapy, but it's a walk-in service where you can talk to a peer about anything! I did this (terrifying, for the social anxious among us), and it helped quite a bit. We shared common struggles with academics, and we exchanged solutions, tips, and ideas. It was reassuring, and I found new strategies through them that I'm going to implement!
3) Planning. I've never been one to adhere to hard schedules. My Google calendar has old recurring events that haven't been relevant for years. I don't even bother anymore. BUT. It turns out that just saying "I'm gonna do X thing at Y time on Z day" isn't enough for me.
3 a) Planning doesn't just have to be "this is the time I will do studying." That's vague and leaves too much to interpretation, which can lead to overwhelm and paralysis. Break it down further. Don't schedule a vague "study" block, schedule blocks for "Biology Homework 3" and "Psychology paper: rough draft." Be specific with what that time is for to reduce ambiguity and eliminate the time spent untangling your thoughts!
3 b) Planning should also include preparation. Will you need notes? Do you need to watch a lecture video? Take a quiz? Gather all of the supplies you need and organize it in a folder. If it's digital work, even better! Put a folder on your desktop and fill it with notes and list any URLs you might need to visit in a word document so you can click and go. Preparation increases your ACCESSIBILITY; it is a powerful buff!
4) Focus on "I will work on" instead of "I will complete." An outcome-focused mindset is honestly really debilitating for me... It manifests as perfectionism and anxiety. Reframing can be difficult, but it's really important that, at least during planning, you just commit to working on it. If it can't be finished during that time, it's okay! You still worked on it, which means you completed your OBLIGATION. This means you still accomplished your goal, which means you won't be hit with a wave of shame of failure. Plus, cultivating a healthier mindset around work means you can clear space to be proactive.
#adhd#asd#procrastination#academic trauma#university#college#school#executive function#executive dysfunction
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Well it has been a crazy week so far. I have had to stay late every night. I'm so happy that I have Thursday and Friday off next week for Thanksgiving.
I felt sick this morning and I was coughing a lot but they wouldn't let me go home so I toughed it out. They wouldn't let me leave because there wasn't anyone available to cover me which was kind of shitty. I am supposed to train another person tomorrow how to do my job so I hope that alleviates some of my stress. I feel better than I did this morning at least. I was contemplating calling in tomorrow because it would be nice to rest. I don't want to be super tired and crabby on Friday. I probably won't do that because I have no idea if I'm still on probation. I don't want to think about work anymore right now.
I wanted to say that I really appreciate all of the encouragement that I've gotten lately. I was thinking about that a lot earlier. It has helped reduce some of my anxiety. I also feel a lot more confident in myself. I know I can achieve my goals and I just need to keep trying. I am not giving up. I've realized that I just need people to believe in me. I'm glad you haven't given up on me through this surreal experience. Thank you all for being patient with me when I have said crazy things and when I don't understand something. I am grateful for all of the people that have been keeping an eye on me all this time. I appreciate you all for giving me guidance and something to look forward to every day. Thank you for being the light when I've been in a dark place. I know I have said that I feel alone in the past but I know I'm not. I was very emotional and confused for a while. I know I have a lot of people that care about me. Thank you all for listening to me and being so nice to me. I love you all!!!!
Maxwell I also wanted to say that I appreciate you being more open with me because that has helped me a lot too. I have enjoyed getting to know you better and I like the things you have shared with me. We definitely have a lot in common. I can't help but be curious about you because I think you're fascinating. You know how to make me smile and laugh when I'm in a bad mood. You are an amazing person and I'm so happy I met you. My life is so much better with you in it. I'm so excited to spend time with you and have fun. I love you!!! 💖💖💖
I have faith that everything will get better soon. I need to do my best to maintain a positive attitude. I am going to be ok.
I am getting tired now. I have a feeling I will be up late though because I still have a lot to do before bed unfortunately. I will have to stay late again tomorrow but I will try to make it a good day anyway. I should probably stop rambling now. I hope everyone else has a wonderful day tomorrow!!! :)
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I Don't Fall
(This, unlike what I normally write, is actually a snippet about my own life as a disabled person not being listened to. It's kind of a rant in the form of prose. It happened a few years ago and I am not 25 anymore, but present tense felt right).
“How often do you fall?”
The question catches me off guard and I contemplate how to answer while staring at my stripey songs, wiggling my toes against the worn carpet. I’m sitting in an unfamiliar doctor’s office, in a tiny hot exam room, trying to talk to a doctor I don’t really know. He’s older, probably more than 70, and seems friendly, but I’m not sure he’s heard anything I’ve said.
“I…don’t really?” I stumble, ironically. I wasn’t expecting this. I don’t have an answer ready.
I think of all the times I didn’t fall, of the care I had to take to lift my foot up a curb, of scooting down the stairs on my butt. I think about getting stuck at the top of our outdoor steps in high school because they had no railing, 10 feet from the door but unable to make it. I think about my mother knowing how bad I’m feeling by whether I slur, my tongue growing clumsy with the rest of me. I think about spilling water, coffee, beer all over me and the couch and the floor because my hand didn’t go where I meant to send it. I think about being afraid to ride a bike or go hiking in case I have a balance spell and get stuck. I think about being mortified to admit I have to sit down because I can’t keep walking. I think about forcing my body into slow motion so that I won’t fall.
I don’t tell him any of this. Maybe he doesn’t give me the chance, or maybe I just can’t get my thoughts together in time. I won’t be sure later. The neurologist moves on with a little “hmm.”
He has me stand and walk across the little room in a straight line, toe to heel, while he watches. When I ask if I should close my eyes or not look at my feet, he says no it’s fine.
I know that if I can see my feet I can choose carefully where and how to place them. I know that I spent years learning how to move in a way that mimics normality, and that I can’t help it now.
I know that when I walk across the room I only wobble a little. Today, in all the unfairness of the universe, is a good balance day.
The neurologist says “hmmm” again and leaves to get some printouts. I fidget while I wait, hating myself for not explaining this well enough.
He returns and hands me papers on two of the most common neurological balance issues, cerebral palsy and muscular dystrophy. I know before I walk back through the tiny waiting room and into the scorching little parking lot that I don’t have either. I know that I told him this has been an issue since I could walk, and I know I told him that it’s never gotten better or worse, and I know I told him that it’s episodic and sometimes I can balance almost normally.
I google both in the car to double check my memory, but neither comes close to what I tried to describe. He didn’t even mention Meniere’s, which is at least in the right genre of problems. I sit in the car with my head on the wheel until I get too hot not to turn on the AC. I ignore the growing wobbliness and the slowed reaction time that comes with it. It’s not so bad that I can’t drive today.
Later, with no other research to go on, I will look up every possible thing related to the information he handed me, and I’ll stumble across something called episodic ataxia that describes in perfect detail my sudden spells of weakness and imbalance that can last for hours, worsened by fever or strong emotions like anxiety. I will even be able to narrow it down to type, although it helps that 6 of the 8 types are so rare as to only be identified in one or two families in the world. I will learn there is a genetic test for it, but I will not call that neurologist again. The struggles I’ll end up having with insurance over payment will mostly be a convenient excuse.
I know that my grandmother was diagnosed with Meniere’s mostly to have some sort of diagnosis, and that she loses her balance so badly that her husband has had to carry her to the car before. I know that my father has spells like mine—although I’ve never known him to be unable to drive so I suspect mine are worse—and was so careful not to talk about it that he accidentally taught me to hide my own spells. I know my mother was upset when she learned how bad it had been for years.
I know there was a doctor at 7 who told my mother nothing fit but Meniere’s, except I was too young for it. I know there was a doctor at 18 who told me nothing seemed wrong with my brain and he had no answers. I know there was a doctor at 22 who told me it definitely wasn’t Meniere’s because I’m not going deaf. I know that at 25 I’ll be happy just to have a label—which I had to find myself—and give up on doctors having a solution.
#moshke writes#writeblr#disability#spoonie#because why not#I don't talk about this much#and since I moved somewhere cooler it's not as much of an issue and I rarely even need my cane#but it is a think that effects my life constantly even if that's to a smaller degree now#but I don't fall because I'm careful#also I'm bad at self advocacy because (1) I'm also autistic and (2) I have a STRONG it could be worse because it's not pain complex
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hi <3, hope u r doing well. i came across ur blog and really liked it so i wanted to follow u here. i really wanted to know about ur weirdest encounter with ghost. like do u talk to them? can they communicate? Do u have ghost friends? i am really curious lol
Hi honey! I love this question btw 😊
I always had weird encounters with spirits or entities, I live in a very magical place with a lot of legends and is pretty common to hear paranormal stories, some call these islands the remains of Atlantis so here happens a lot of weird things. Besides the magic of the place where I live I've always had that 6th sense.
I tag my encounters with spirits in 3 categories: before my awakening, after my spiritual awakening and the inbetween. So here we go...
(I'll try not to extend too much but god forgot to give me the abillity to summarize 🤷♀️)
A little disclaimer: Some stories here can be hard to read, I'll talk about abuse, a crime, animal sacrifices, mental health problems, etc. So don't read it if you are easilly impressed, your mental health and wellbeing always goes first 🙏
*First of all, yes, all spirits can communicate but some of them just don't want to. Yes too, I can talked to them but is not as simple as that, the way we can connect with the other side is unique for every witch or psychic. And lastly, I would say yes, not ghost friends but there are deities I love like I love a friend and talk to them like I do with my best friend. Ghosts per se are the spirits of dead, if they are stuck in the hall of the dead ( the biblical purgatory) they are not the best company to have with you.
Before my awakening:
Here there are a lot of forest areas and there's a not so popular place here that is the crater of an unactive volcano, there a road, on one side you got the forest area, on the other side tou have the path to the volcano. There are legends on all that area that is called 'bailadero de las brujas' something like the dance place of witches. On a night out with friends we drank a little too much and we ended up there to see the sunrise, we started walking there because there's no luminic contamination and you cam see the stars, we walked until we found like 5 people hanging out dead black roosters from the trees, there was feathers and blood everywhere in their altar (santeria is very common here and they fo to make their sacrifices in those places, I have a picture of an spell made with strings i a beach I go often but Idk if I should post it 😅), my friends and I were so scared that we ran in different directions. I heard someone running behind me the whole walk to the car, I can hear the steps clearly behind me. That place is full of nature and it's easy to get lost at night and I ended up in a recreative area with tables and barbaques, on the opposite place to where we parked the car but closer to the road and far from the forest, on one of that tables there were 3 women all dressed in black, the image was terrible now that I remember but I felt a sense of safety when I got there, they wore old clothing with those long and stuffed skirts and a little white apron on their waist, they all had the hair pulled back and a little black veil like elderly ladies use to wear here when mourning. One of the 3 ladies pointed at the direction I had to follow, she had a lovely smile and somehow I trusted her having in mind that minutes ago I saw people sacrificing animals (a trauma I still have, I cry when I hear any animal cry, even when my dog moans for his toy I get anxiety). I thanked the women and they got up and walked into the forest in the opposite direction of the road, they were leading to the area of the unnactive volcano. It was a long walk going by the road, I kept walking and felt again the steps behind me but there was nothing there, Idk why but after the encounter with the women I wasn't scared anymore, I walked until I found the parking lot where my friends were all bruised because they fell and rolled while they were running, even their clothes were broken and I was in perfect conditions, just my shows full of dirt but anything else. After years, not so long ago (that happened when I was 16, I'm 23 now) I talked with the grandmother of a friend and told her the story, she told me that in that volcano there are 3 spirits of witches that many people have seen before, they are known because they guide the people who get lost in the forest and they protect that area because is sacred. And it's true, before the colonization of the Spanish, the tribes here got water from a wooded area where there was a gigant tree and by the condensation of mist it turned to water and fell to a holes in the ground making ponds, it's called Garoe tree, if you want to google it.
Extra story: When I was like 8 or 9, there was a rye mill next to my house, when I came back from school I always saw an old woman with a donkey grinding the grain from my window, so I often went with her to play with her donkey. She was always super nice with me and told me a lot of things about magical creatures of the forest, a lot of advices I still remember and follow. She used to tell me that everytime I go to the forest I had to ask for permission and protection from the guardians of the forest, to avoid walking on the middle of the road on nighttime, to keep rosemary under the pillow to frighten the spirits of nightmares. I remember those evenings with a lot of love but my father told me that there was never a lady or a donkey there, I just went there and played alone for hours
After my awakening:
This was pretty hard to live, I think it's one of the most heartbreaking and heartwarming stories at the same time I have ever lived so here I go, and prepare because it's a long story
Like 2 years ago a friend and I used Randonautica, that app that takes you to weird places, it took us first to 2 places that had weird energy but nothing else. The third location was in the middle of the forest but close to the road, it's an area close to a crossroads, you are in the middle of the forest but you can see the any of the two roads around it. I asked the app for something beautiful to inspire me because I was having a hard time in that moment, I found a massive pine tree with twisted branches, it looked like the tree was giving tha back to the road that led to the town and was facing with the branches to the forest, almost like embracing it. I was working with akashic records at the moment so I decided to open the tree's records and what I found was so so beautiful. She, the tree was a mother guardian of the forest, she had a motherly femenine energy and she was surrounded by little pine trees growing on the floor all around her. I put my two hands over her and breathe, I literally heard like a blop in my chest and felt so so warm (after that experience my chronic deppresion slowly faded). But here comes the interesting part, I was living my best life vibing with the tree and my friend started panicking, she started telling me "Lala, there's somebody here with us", ( to all of this, my friend was working on her mediumship at that time, after this experience she stopped her spiritual development). A thing about me is that I can be super chill but if someones makes a little warn about something I switch the witchy radar to find anything weird, she was telling me that there was a little boy there, that she was feeling him around us, I focused and told her that it wasn't a child but an adult with the mind of a child. We started channeling there like lunatics, I still had the akashic records open so it was like a shower of different images slapping me at once.
My friend (let's call her D) told me that the boy was obviously dead but his family thinks he was still alive and my guides confirmed what she was saying, we tried to make an approach with him and that the worst I could do. Idk know how to explain this but I saw through his eyes what he went through, I saw myself next to a big man that was smoking sitting on the back part of a car, he put his hand on my thigh and was rubbing it closer to my private area, I slapped his hand and there was a an argument between both, there's was an struggle to make me enter in the card and the man was grabbing my arm so hard ( I physically felt the pain when we left that place). The man was getting violent and I started running through the forest until I felt a knock on the back of my head and fell to the ground, everything was black after that but I still could hear the breathing.
D shaked me because I was standing with a weird face expression on my face so I told her all I saw in the vision. We made a flower made of pine cones under the guardian tree for all the flower the boy never had, we tried our best with prayers to give the boy some peace. I called on Anubis (my patron deity) and prayed that someone came to take the boy to a better place. D and I left the place and my friend was repeating that we missed something and the boy wanted to come with us, I did my prayers while we were walking and just before stepping in the road I felt how all the air left my lungs and we both smelled an scent of low tide (whoever who lives near the sea knows that when tides are low it has a particular smell), we were in the middle of the forest with the see kilometers away, it was impossible to smell that there. D and I looked at eachother and we both know but we were scared, I mean, where I live there's almost no crime, this is a super safe place to live and we were being witness of a crime. We both said "he died drown" and my guides confirmed again, he got hit in the forest and that big man of my vision throwed the boy to the sea while he was alive thinking he was dead.
You can imagine the feeling D and I got when we came back home... I made the proper cleansing to both of us and told the story to my mum and here come the plottwist. She told us that like 20 years ago a boy with a dissability ( he had the mental age of a kid of 9 years but he was almost 30), dissapeared in weird circumstances and no one ever heard about him again. Police was after his sister because of how she treated him but she had no reason to hurt her brother, police was also thinking about human trafficking but the common suspect was the priest of the town. The whole island pointed at him because the boy was always in the church with the priest and with the elder ladies that went there oftenly (one of them was my granmother and that priest was the one who baptized me). My mum told me that everyone acused the priest and he left the island and went to Vatican, police went there but nothing happened, it's said in the town that after that the priest made the whole Camino de Santiago barefoot, Idk but that sounds like catholic punishment for me... To this day the boy stills as a missing person and his family don't know what happened to him, I told my cousin the story and she googled about dissapearence here and she found the missing picture of him.
Well, to end up things better, the boy was trying to approach D after that and she got so scared she refused all her spiritual life, she wasn't ready for that. Her car has like a sensor when someone sits on the back seats, Idk what it is because I have no idea of cars but I still have the videos of her showing me the light on the card telling there was someone sitting behind her but there was nothing there, things started moving on her house randomly, the light flickered often and things like that, The boy was after her and not me because she's a medium but I'm a psychopomp (Idk if it's the correct translation but just in case, to clarify my family soul is the baregemas, sorry that's what google translate told me), my purpose is guiding them through their journey, not getting involved in their unsolved bussiness and he knew I would make the ritual to send him to the place he must be and get my hands washed because when you work with spirits is better this way. But D has this helper or savior complex and like a good Virgo she is she wanted to help and while we were at the forest she kept repeating that the boy's mum deserved to know so the boy went after her to ask for her help but she freaked out with all her reasons, something moving in your house with no reason is scary. She ended up having a panic attack and told the boy to leave, I ended up summoning him and making the mourning ritual for him to be picked up and sent to a better place, before he left he asked me to tel D that he was really sorry, he never wanted to scare her just wanted to talk with her but didn't know how to make her listen to him, he also asked me to go with his mum and tell her what I know but I refused to disturb that woman's life with no more evidence that 'i'm a psychic' but, if the Universe ever gives me the chance to talk with her I would do it, but just if I got the chance, if not I won't force it. And well, that's how the story ends, the boy is at peace after almost 20 years of being stuck in the hall of the dead, he is now happy and safe, and not scared anymore.
I was going to write another story where I thought I live in a haunted house but it was just someone making me black magic, but I think this post is long enough. Anyway, if you want to know that story too just tell me, I had a lot of paranormal experiences 🤗
#witchblr#leoascendente#spirituality#ghosts stories#paranormal#spiritism#occultism#witchcraft#answered ask#paranormal experiences
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You know, if someone would've explained to me in very small words that anxiety and stress are not the same thing and often work independent of one another I might have saved myself several years of trouble and a few friendships.
I've noticed recently that when I'm driving, I'm just.... Driving. Which sounds like a duh but I specifically mean I'm noticing the thoughts I'm not having. To be clear, I like driving. I like to think of story stuff or sing with the music and I'm confident in my skills on the road.
But yesterday I noticed, in passing, that if something were to go wrong on the road I would likely be unable to avoid it. I felt myself start to look around at the other cars for just a split second before I went "well I've been driving this long with no issues, why would I start thinking everyone else is two seconds from a crash and it's all up to me to prevent it?"
And then it hit me really, really hard that up until now that's exactly what I've been doing. Not actively, because that would be stressful and exhausting. But in the back of my mind, along with states on license plates and and funny billboards, I am constantly taking in how close a car is getting to me on my left or whether that truck is going to stop at the stop sign at the next corner or blow through it. When other cars pass each other I'm studying the distance between them to make sure everything is good, all while singing along to LP. I am not stressed in those moments. But I am anxious.
They used to be the same thing for me. That's what tripped me up, why I let it lie so long. I got medication for my adhd and 95% of my stress disappeared immediately. I don't consider myself a worrier because I remember what that felt like. I FELT in constant danger and I don't anymore, so obviously I'm not anxious. With the proper level of stimulation I'm no longer getting lost in mental hypothetical situations my brain created because at least if I was stressed I was stimulated. Things are overall so much better.
I typed all of this on my phone while on my usual walk around the neighborhood. I couldn't tell you if I walked past a snake. Probably. I checked when I cut through the grass. That's just common sense. The kids are playing ball on the big field. I didn't look up at the sound of the bat. They're not going to hit me 100 yards away. I did see a very big frog though. He was in a grate and very hard to photograph. I always check that spot because I hear them splash off the rock every time I walk by and I never see them before they see me.
I've not been chronically stressed in years. Not the way I was. Reactively to the pandemic sure, but I always knew where it was coming from. The spider bite, sure. Even publishing fanfics (huge spikes there). But I've been super fucking anxious twenty-four seven and had absolutely no idea.
Anxiety does not always feel stressful. Most of the time it presents itself as rational. Of course you should keep an eye on the logging truck in front of you, everyone knows those things can slide off. (No we can't think of a single time that's actually happened, why do you ask?) Of course you want to be sure you're accommodating to your friends and getting ahead of anything that would make them uncomfortable. That's just being conscientious (just don't ever fuck it up because you know what happens if you do).
Anxiety leaves out the parentheticals. You only get the first part, and it seems so logical. What a nightmare of a condition. What a relief to put some of it down.
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Are you afraid of me?
🚩20+ 1 things most people are embarrassed/afraid of sharing in therapy 🚩
Love life:
How often do you lie to your partner - counting both the"getting out of trouble" lies and the "not the truth" lies. Again, It's normal.
Cheating on a partner that you're still in love with - honestly...this is the most common thing I've ever heard and there are so many (and so deep) reasons behind it... it's worth sharing this in therapy...trust me
Being somehow interested in your ex, even if you're in a happy healthy relationship - yep...both these things can be true at the same time
Very specific kink/fetish - I have one thing to say: BE WONDERFULLY FREAKY! We all are (not only with sex), join the club.
You stayed in a relationship past the point where it should have ended - it's a hard passage, we all go through it, really you're not a bad person
Performance anxiety when you're intimate - I don't know a single person that haven't experienced it, but I'm very happy for you if you've never had it!!
Having an STI - It happens, my only concern here is you being able to access to proper medical care if you need it. That's all. Please stay safe and protected always. If you need info just ask
You slept with "too many/not enough" people
Parents:
Feeling relieved when your parents (one or both) die - This can mess a person up, but it's ok and you can brace that at least a part of you can be satisfied by this event
If you have kids:
A part of you hate having kids - that's normal, and it doesn't mean you're a bad parent
The emotional trauma you created to your child that will last forever because you're a "failed as a parent" - This is a thought that every good parent has at some point, every parent leave a scar on their kids, the point is being able to recognize their pain, giving them the tools to heal, accepting their feelings and their healing path
General stuff:
Having racist thoughts - unfortunately society has trained us well about this, it's hard to escape, I love that you're in for a change tho!
You hate your body (even if other people envy you) - Thanks capitalism/objectification/beauty standards etc
You failed/dropped out of school/finished college in more years than the standard ones - Bruh, my psych. degree is 3 + 2 years, I finished in 6 years... standards don't work for everyone, there's no shame in that.
Really intrusive disturbing/violent thoughts - it's normal to think about horrid stuff and please remember that there's a big difference between thoughts and actions
(Related to the previous one) Detailed revenge fantasies about people that hurt you/you don't like - You can be a good person even if you have these, I have them all the time and I still do my best in the world to spread kindness and support (and be polite with the people I don't like, sometimes your best is just not being mean instead of being nice)
Bullying someone as a kid - carrying around this type of guilt is heavy. I understand, change is possible and it's more useful to recognize a mistake and learn, than never make mistakes
Being lazy/unmotivated/not wanting to work - well...I don't have much to say about this, but again...thanks capitalism! lmao
Heavy stuff (TW: S.A / suicide)
This one is heavy, How quick your brain can run to the thought of unaliving yourself and be relieved about the "not being here anymore" - I won't comment on this one but if you're afraid to be sent to grippy-socks-ward...this is not the case.
You've been assaulted and you never told anyone about it and never planned to do so.
+1:
That You think your therapist is wrong/made a mistake/ is not informed enough about something/you didn't like how they responded or asked a question/ you think the topic they're discussing is not useful for your problem etc.
DO NOT BE AFRAID TO TELL YOUR THERAPIST WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING IN THERAPY.
It's called "therapeutic RELATIONSHIP" for a reason.
#psychology#mental health#psychologist#mental health support#healing#therapy#trauma#fears#stuff you should do in therapy#unconventional psychology#tw suicide#tw SA
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people don't seem to grasp how much stress I'm under so here's a list so I can show it to them:
Cat that has asthma needs a pill every other day. occasionally needs an inhaler at night.
Cat that has kidney disease and had a seizure Friday night.
rabbit with permanent head tilt and balance issues with an eye issue prone to uti's that takes daily medication
rabbit that suddenly started having stomach problems tonight out of the blue. rare but happens and then i have to syringe feed her every four hours until she's eating on her own again
I'm the only one on top of flea meds and vet check ups for the entire house ( 6 cats, 2 dogs, 2 rabbits)
I need to double check my dentist appointment is on the 10th and if not schedule one (I am bad at this, talking to people is hard and I have anxiety attacks on the phone. the only way to really know is via phone call)
made an appointment for an hrt related checkup which is easy but I now have to decide if I want to tell them if I wanna continue hrt or go off it (the reasons are unrelated to my gender identity)
waiting for said Dr from said gender clinic to approve refill on said hrt because I'm out. because they charged me full price but only gave me half of my refill last time.
need to move furniture in my room and clean before it makes me and the kids sick. there's rabbit pee soaked into the floor under a cat tree and under a cabinet and I just haven't been able to clean it.
also need to rearrange to give my rabbits areas more conducive to their and my existence
and to make space so my cats feel more included
feeling guilt that my oldest cat with kidney disease is dying and I haven't spent time with her like I want to because of my two other cats and her not getting along. but she's dying so what do I do
she dying what do I do? I don't want her to die in a vet office. I want her to be able to be asleep on a bed in the house and I don't know how to do that vets don't make house calls anymore
nicotine addiction
gotta give all my kids the love and affection they deserve bc any of them could get into something or have a sudden health problem and die at any moment
no one to talk to about it
have to clean my room. have to take dishes down before they grow mold. some of them I'm sure already are. this is a common occurrence.
need to do laundry. have no more clean sheets.
think the cat peed on the foot of the bed. haven't been able to really check. just keep ignoring it. it's not by my face and the cat still lays in that corner. (cat box in room makes me nose blind to cat pee a lot of the time and)
cats pee in random places of room and on their scratchers. regularly smelling cat pee in specific spots around room. sometimes it is just a hallucination.
no one can stand to listen to me list everything I have going on.
closet needs to be cleaned and sorted. things to give away and go into storage need to be hauled downstairs. (i am weak and physically not good but no one is able to help)
fish tank got a water change recently but I fear it won't last longer than a week and I'll need to take everything out and deep clean which takes me 4 ish hours bc I'm slow and it hurts
trying to find meaning and purpose in life. is art the career path I want or just a hobby? should I be writing? should I be making friends?
can't leave the house without having anxiety attacks.
not seen as myself by those around me (family) just as a conglomerate of actions. not seen for my actions and struggles by the people around me (family)
intrusive thoughts intrusive thoughts intrusive thoughts intrusive thoughts intrusive thoughts intrusive thoughts intru-
oh I was loading a bowl- *distracted for 15 mins* oh right I was loading a bowl- *distracted for 15 mins* fuck I'm loading a bowl *loads bowl* *distracted for 15 mins* *takes hit* *distracted for 15* *takes a hit* *distracted for 15* ADHD having ass
dissociation derealization depersonalization dissociate derealize depersonalize dddddddddddddd error
someone inside my head actually screaming and tearing at their skin with their claws
someone inside my head deciding to verbally and emotionally and physically abuse someone else in the system
someone doing drugs in the mindspace and all the issues that come with it
someone having flashbacks after being triggered
friends aren't going to text me. I keep my phone on silent. it's been silent since the beginning of the year. it's currently april. I'm used to it being silent now. it hasn't caused me to miss anything.
I have no one to talk to and therapy isn't what I crave. therapy is a fake version of what I need. I need someone to want to listen to me without being paid to do so
who has time to eat in this action economy
want to finish my games. want to finish bg3 before everyone else. before it gets spoiled. want to finish stray. want to finish doom. want to start doom eternal
want to be into vrchat more and work on my anxiety
want to finish at least the two books on my desk
who has the energy to shower and brush their teeth everyday? not this bag of bastards.
want to trim my hair. want my friends to see my long hair though
need to finish two paintings for two besties. one I don't know if I wanna continue it or start over (again for the fifth time). and one I haven't even decided on the pose for but tried to start.
one of the alters needs glasses but as you can see we are better off being in denial until we really genuinely need glasses because there's more pressing issues
relationships with family members is all we have but it is bad and idk if the family members have any idea. I think they think it's fine and have no idea that I really don't get along with them and living with them is killing me but I can't move out
gotta hide the self harm ! which is second nature to me but still a stressor
I'm not gonna buy cigarettes I have a tank mod and a small vape with replaceable pods. I'm not gonna buy cigarettes I have a tank mod and a small vape with replaceable pods. I'm not gonna buy cigarettes I have a tank mod and a small vape with replaceable pods. I'm not gonna buy cigarettes I have a tank mod and a small vape with replaceable pods.
I need a new ps4 controller so I can use my expensive console taking up room on my desk and all the games I paid for and spent hours downloading
I just wanna buy new sex toys but I don't need them and we just laid off all the credit cards and I don't have money to blow on needed things. I donated to a lot of people this year instead
it's getting hotter and I'm going to have to run my AC constantly soon but it has black mold growing in it. and you don't have to be allergic for that to be an issue but I do happen to be allergic and one of my cats has asthma. and idk how to clean take it apart, let alone do it by myself but it looks like that's gonna be what happens.
trash and recycling needs to be taken out before I go back to throwing everything on the floor like I was doing for a little bit bc it's all too much
need to pick up the mess siruss made from tearing up semi important lists we need in a fit of stress and being overwhelmed
remember to put the night guard in before laying down so you don't crush your teeth in your sleep and have to get a 3rd (4th?) crown where your molars are supposed to be
can't even be addicted to weed in so goddamn stresses but watch out! forgetting to smoke is forgetting meds and the IBS, acid reflux, ADHD, chronic full body pain, chronic specific body pain, depression, anxiety, existentialism and fatigue will getcha!
just picked up meds from vet. god it's expensive. but that's off the list now........ until it's back on the list again.
don't ask for help. they are busy, you're literally watching them be busy or have downtime to relax after being busy. oh you got the courage to ask anyway? ah they're not interested. ah yes it's too dirty/hard/inconvenient/simple and maybe you should just do it.
and now feel the many emotions associated with asking for help and being told no again. become unable to do thing you needed help with at all. or can't do it without help at all to begin with so fuck me I guess.
do whatever it is they ask you to do. even if you just asked for help and they said no, if they need you to do something you go do it and if you don't you are a bad person and will be made out as selfish and lazy and forced to feel guilt.
that dragon adoptable game luckily only needs to be kept up with every three days. unless there's an event and then at least casual grinding and dailies must be kept up with.
pokemon sleep is an addiction and I want to quit it but I'm struggling and don't know what to do bc if I have raikou I want the other two but I could literally quit right now and it wouldn't matter and I'd be a little more free please help
my oldest cat needs to be brushed more bc she can't groom herself as well nowadays and my brother can't stand having hair on him. he'll pet her and wipe is hand off and not really scratch her and I hate it so much. she has small mats here and there and I feel like a shitty parent
my rabbits need to be brushed constantly until all their mats are out from winter coat that just hasn't come out completely yet. the head tilt rabbit can't even reach most of his body to clean it.
I also have to clean their butts for the same reason
one of my cats keeps leaving small poops OUTSIDE of the litter box
my oldest with the kidney issues and my middle child cat both throw up a once or twice a week and I don't know why. the oldest has always been that way. my middle child has nothing else up with him thank fuck but this and eye gunk
I have to remember to drink water or tea or liquids more than just a few sips a day. I HAVE. TO. or I'll get a UTI. and bc I dissociate from my body sensations I won't notice the UTI until it starts hurting my kidneys and then it's crunch time to get antibiotics before I end up in the hospital which is a valid fear bc it has happened before and it almost happened a second time
can't physically do what I need without feeling sick. probably bc I can't take care of myself. which is probably bc I can't do anything without feeling ill. which is probably bc I don't take care of myself. which is probably bc i-
I'm so overwhelmed that I don't do anything I need to and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and it builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds and builds
and I'm so overwhelmed that I start new projects and come up with new and more things to do and look for the old things I never did and never finished as well
and I'm so overwhelmed that I want to write again because nothing is in my control because there's no such thing as control because nothing matters and it's chaos and that's beautiful and I love life but I don't know what to do when I just want to pause everything but I can't pause everything and taking a break doesn't make me feel better it just lets everything build and makes me feel more on edge
dissociating isn't taking a break
and I wonder if being on Lexapro again would help but I know it wouldnt last
and I wonder if I should trip on shrooms bc it's been nearly an entire year. but I have such a limited amount and I need them for when I need them (I don't know when that is but I'll know when it happens) and the friend I got them from hasn't spoken to me in months
my go-to anxious intrusive thought is that he's dead. unfortunately that thought... well it's not as delusional as I'd like it to be. we dated for a little over a year, and then some more on and off and we even had sex this year. he is the only friend I have that lives close to me. (close is an hour and a half away)
my bestie who lives in the same state is 3 hours away. she's in school. she also has mental health struggles. she's not good at texting and she says this herself often.
I have other friends that live in the state but... I haven't spoken to them in years and I didnt ever let them in fully, and I'm afraid (I don't know what I'm afraid of)
my other besties live out of state. one is in Cali. the other is in North Carolina. I am in Texas.
the one in Cali I met online and have only met in person once. she's engaged. idk when the wedding is but im going, I'm invited of course. she's busy with work and mental health also. she used to have alters that we talked to. Sy was married to one of them
siruss dealing with pain of past relationships and trauma and everything
the NC bestie also used to have alters. siruss used to date bestie though. she's busy with work and mental health. and though we've never talked about it I feel like there's something off between us that neither of us want to touch. or maybe it's just me.
or maybe it's siruss wanting to let go and not being able to
and maybe we need to meet new friends who will see us and give us something new to think about and someone we can share stories with who won't agonize over hearing old names.
idk how to make friends anymore Im so tired and I distrust people
I'm so tired we fall asleep with the vibrator and don't even get to jerk off which trust me is not great. the nighttime endorphins dose is quite necessary to function the next day. TMI we're not a morning masturbator bc the pussy ends up wet all day and it's not sexy when there's no one to appreciate it and you're horrified about getting a UTI
I miss my chickens...
I want new tattoos before I die of stress and my body is thrown in the ground more bare than it should be.
I want to gain weight so I feel and look healthier and maybe it'll help me not feel sick and weak and in as much pain
but the kids are dying as the seconds pass and the dust is building on the shelves and the dishes are piling up and the trash is starting to smell sour and the recycling is overflowing and my desk is too cluttered to set anything down and I need to love them more and be around them more and I need to stop watching YouTube and I need to start drawing and I need to travel and I need to live life but everything costs money and nothing lasts and I'm too much for everyone that I've met but I will still love them with all my heart and I don't think it's their fault they are only humans and I'm an unspeakable amount of divine/demonic/cosmic/paranormal entities with their own traumas and lives and backgrounds and intricate details eating up my insides- do you know how long it takes to get to know one person? the answer is you never know one person- imagine that but for 6 people all vying and deserving of being known and seen
and there's genocides and wars all over the planet. and there's deforestation and poachers. and there's puppy mills and inbreeding. and there's capitalism and heteronormativity. and I can't stop thinking about Nex Benedict and Aaron Bushnell. I can't stop thinking about the BLM protests. and I can't stop thinking about the Hong Kong protests. and I can't stop thinking about China. and human trafficking. and polution. and how the news and media that most people see don't say anything important and fear monger and emotionally manipulate for views and clicks. and nothing is real and no one tells the truth and even if it is the truth no one knows for certain. you never know what really happened unless you see it with your own eyes.
and it's all a stupid game we could all decide to stop playing and simply give people food and shelter and wifi and safety and medical attention. money doesn't have to exist we can just do things for each other but everyone forgot what reality was. which is about being outside and talking with people you love.
and I'm not suicidal anymore, although I do wish to lay at the foot of a tree until it grows around and envelops me. turning my being into immortality itself and sending my consciousness into the fabric of roots pulsing across terra until im one with the gods
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long personal post that I'm kind of just making for my own reference later on, below:
been very seriously considering breaking edge recently. Idk, i feel like now that I'm not a teenager, a lot of my fears about how i'd treat alcohol and substances no longer apply as much. The reasons I kept edge for so long despite it being like really really difficult at times were 1. bc I'm the queen of self sabotage and I felt like if I allowed myself to drink and do drugs, I'd use them to do that, 2. i get extremely addicted to things extremely easily. I know that a lot of people say that but trust me like i'm REALLY bad about it, and I have no self control when it comes to the things I'm addicted to. And those things aren't even supposed to be addictive!!!!, and then lastly, 3. the general straightedge punk subculture is something that has always appealed to me a lot and I have a lot of respect for it.
Now. Things have changed a bit. Now that I'm, like, an adult, it'll be a lot more difficult for me to get away with using drugs and alcohol to self sabotage. It'll be really obvious if I start doing that, which will make it easy for me to spot, as well as all the people around me that care about me. When I was still a teenager, everyone around me was drinking too much and using drugs unhealthily, because its just kind of that stage of your life, you know? It would be easier to brush off as just doing what everyone else was doing. With my second point, yeah, I still am worried about addiction, very much so, in fact. But I think that my fear of it is healthy in the sense that I'll really keep an eye on myself, as will the people around me. Similar to my previous point, basically. And then three.... theres a lot of great in the straightedge community and theres a lot of bad. thats just with everything. And if it doesn't really suit my lifestyle anymore, then I'm not gonna stick with it just because I like the idea of the subculture.
My reasons for wanting to break edge rn are as follows: I want to be able to loosen up and feel more comfortable in certain social situations. like, liquid courage, or whatever. I wanna be able to have fun and shit. I don't feel any kind of desire to start getting *drunk* drunk ever, I just wanna be able to get buzzed when i go out with my friends, or when we're watching the football game or whatever. Thats it.
my NEW worries about it are these: I'm worried about breaking edge making it harder for me to not smoke cigarettes, which is NOT something I should ever do, and I know that. But I always really really want to. but its really bad for you and nicotine addiction fucks with your life and shit and I know that. But god I want to so bad. I'm worried that if I start drinking, I'll start breaking other rules I've set for myself, like no cigarettes. I'm also worried that it'll help a little too much with my social anxiety lol. Its really common for people with social anxiety to become alcoholics because they use it too much as a social crutch. I can definitely see that happening for me.
Anyways yeah I just wanted to make this post for myself to get my thoughts together and to be able to look at later, and also see if anyone else is or has been straightedge and has any sort of thoughts or advice!
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Hey 👋
I hope you don’t mind receiving questions here. :) if some people from your past before you knew God and honestly were just from a weird and kinda bad time in life ended up asking if you want to go out/ meet, would you think it could possibly be a good idea to do that to hopefully have a ‘better time’ now that you’ve found the Lord, or do you think it’s a bad idea waiting for happen?
That all sounds strange (lol sorry) that’s my situation atm. One hand I feel that I could kind of get closure or have a good time somehow, but I also know I was saved and am not the person I am when I was around them back then so I’m worried I’ll either not have a good time because I have nothing in common anymore anyway, or get kinda sucked back into something :/
I don't mind at all, thanks for sending an ask!
I don't think there's anything wrong with reconnecting with people from your past. I can't say there was ever a time before I knew God myself, but I definitely drifted away from the faith for several years before coming back. I got together with some of my friends from that period a couple times, but we kind of naturally drifted apart due to physical distance and how we changed as people.
I think if there's a strong pattern of bad/sinful behavior that you could be walking into, you should be careful. For example, an old ex that you used to get frisky with every time you saw each other even after months or years apart. Meeting with them again could be communicating to them a willingness to participate in that behavior again. Not that you shouldn't meet with them, but that it would be a good idea to communicate some boundaries or choose a 'safer' activity/meeting place- lunch instead of dinner, going somewhere public instead of private, etc. That could help you avoid the choice of going down that path altogether.
I would suggest praying for fortitude if you're having anxiety before you go. If you're really worried you won't have the willpower to avoid those old habits, then stay away. It's a good idea to avoid the near occasion of sin.
But since my reversion, the worst thing that's happened to me when meeting those people from my past is I don't really connect with them anymore. I don't have a great time. It's not bad, per se, it's just not what it used to be. Because I'm not who I used to be. And that's perfectly fine.
That being said, I've seen friends, not exes. I don't know if I'm reading your ask correctly, but it seems like it might be an old flame trying to get in touch with you again? I would be careful with that- there could be some pressure to "pick up where you left off." I would say just be straightforward with them. 'I'd love to catch up, but I'm not interested in resuming our romantic relationship.' Or you can even mention you've had a religious conversion and that it affects how you view romantic relationships now.
Or you can go and play it all by ear. Just stick to your convictions and be willing to walk out if the other person wants to push you somewhere you don't want to go. If you do that, the worst thing is you have kind of a bad time. The best thing is you have a great time and really reconnect with someone from your past.
That was rather rambling so I hope I answered your question! Feel free to send a follow up if I missed the mark!
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i wish more of these sad bloggers (you know the ones: the self-deprecating posts, the ones who take prim and perfect selfies, like every other account on tumblr and elsewhere on the internet) would understand that sometimes all you really need to rid of your melancholy and your depression is a lifestyle change.
eat better. don't eat as much. stay hydrated. move your body and get sweaty (take this from me: i don't like sweating at all, but it's a good sign especially if you're dealing with something like anxiety). do your research. especially if you're anything like me and journaling only *sort of* helps at best and only makes you hate yourself at worst. why should i waste my time and tears venting through words and getting nowhere with it, when i could walk around outside and feel the sun on my face and the wind through my hair, and hear the birds singing and the dogs barking and the billy goats bleating (there's a house up the street from me with five billy goats and three dogs).
you also have to be open to it. i know. it's hard. it really is. i get it completely.
i have been there before. i know depression. i know anxiety. i know eating disorders. i know being on the edge and wanting nothing more than the pain to stop, so believe me when i say i know what it's like to be numb and empty inside that you genuinely feel like doing nothing but veging out. i grew up feeling like there was something inherently wrong with me, and i still feel like this, too. but there will come a point in which you cannot afford excuses, especially if your mental health is on the line. your mental health and your physical health go hand in hand: when one side is off, the other is off, too. when you're doing something physical, your mind will feel it: i introduced more cardio into my workout routine this week and i've only done it for two days but i almost didn't even need my cup of coffee, it woke me up and energized me.
it should also be completely up to you, too. you should decide to do that for yourself: if anything, i should just serve as inspiration, no matter how vague or blatant.
that's probably the main thing that irritated me about that old friend who kicked me to the curb earlier this year was it didn't seem like they were genuinely trying to do anything for themselves. they seemed far more interested in complaining about everything and developing a victim complex (and being VERY tmi about it, too): it was really ironic because i have a very clear memory of them saying "i was born to stand up for myself" about 7/8 years ago. i finally snapped and i gave them advice because i literally couldn't take it anymore. and when i say they complained about everything, i mean they complained about EVERYTHING. like every two days every 10-15 minutes, there was a bunch of new posts from them. it went on for a long time but it got really bad in those last five months: it got really hard to follow really quick, and it got on my nerves really quick, too. yeah, of course i lost patience.
and then they had the nerve to make it into a gender thing (which had nothing to do with anything i said to them; they implied i'm a transphobe, when i'm obviously not i know in my heart that i'm not) and the whole thing blew up in my face. i called them a bitch and that was it. i'm not bitter about it, but that's nerve, though. accusing me of that twisting my words and making it completely beside my point to them, choosing their precious partner (and i saw them on ig a couple of weeks ago: their relationship ended. how ironic, but they'll never apologize to me, though) over me, someone who knew them when they were a kid, that's nerve.
mental illness, the internet landscape, and being a hypochondriac scrambled their brain: in their mid-20s and they're acting like they're 15. it's all too common, too.
anyway, my point is no one can help you unless you're willing to help yourself and notice i said "help" and not "love": yeah, i, too, find "no one will love you until you love yourself" to be complete shit and useless and cruel. but the fact of the matter is you can vent all you want but at the end of the day, you're in the driver's seat. you're the one in charge of your mind, body, and soul, and it's imperative to take charge and take care of all three. and what you do is totally up to you.
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