#I cant fucking tell anyone (irl) anything. I cant trust any of them. I cant rely on any of them. I hate it.
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hey non oomf. please don’t shoot the messenger. your ex would like you to know that their dni is set up like that (and it includes kins of their comforts as well) because they are delusional and are uncomfortable with doubles. also no one is friends with your abusers anymore, because harpy is dead. she died last august. not much to say on that one but thank god tbh.
hey noomf thank you for reaching out and telling me this. id like to preface this post that no ill will goes towards you, anon, but towards PF. you're welcome to screenshot and send this post to damien if you want. very curious on how you know damien/PF but. wtv youre anon for a reason
for context, this is the post anon is talking about. also for simplicity, i'm going to be using the names i remember everyone using, but strictly they/them pronouns instead of the ones i remember them using just to avoid misgendering, i know a lot of people had gender discoveries over lockdown and coming out of lockdown and PF is not free from the transgender beam /silly
i will not comment on damiens DNI any further because, frankly, im staying as far as i can from any delusion related discourse as possible. as a potentially schizophrenic person, i know how sensitive the topic of delusions can be, especially D/A's, erotomania and platonic erotomanic delusions. i still think its a bit off that damien, a singlet, as a core part of being a system in their dni but. thog doesnt caare /ref i don't know their story at all
quite frankly, i'm glad to hear that no ones associating with my abusers anymore. part of me was always a little worried for the remaining members of the group (especially the younger ones), i didn't want anyone to have to deal with the blatant toxic bullshit that i had. even if you lot had a falling out with harpy in some respect, i want to say that i'm sorry for your loss. i remember how close PF was in general, especially with harpy.
i'll tentatively accept the offer to talk with damien, but maybe later. maybe when we're more stable. i'll unblock them for now, because honestly i had no quarrel with damien, just that they were still associating with PF.
this, however, is not an open invite to anyone who associated with/was apart of PF to contact me. in fact, fuck the rest of you completely. stay off my page.
i hate how you guys keep finding our accounts. you almost put us into the hospital with the stunt ezra and karen pulled a few years back joining our personal server. to this day we don't feel safe anywhere we go, irl and online, because of how you guys acted. i know we weren't the best person, i know we were rude and lashed out and were generally hard to deal with, but we were fucking 15 or 16. we had known you guys since we were 13, we trusted your voices and opinions more than anything. if PF said the sky was red, then the sky was fucking red. we trusted you guys enough to give you our address. we were dealing with the horrors of being the only openly trans and queer kid in a small town catholic middle/high school ON TOP of having a slough of undiagnosed disabilities and disorders. and then going home to cope with how stressed we were and talking to our "friends". we should have turned tail and ran the second chai was kicked out. we should have realized earlier how chai had hurt us and cut ties with the rest of you, because no one seemed to care how weirdly romantic chai and i were getting. no one seemed to care about how weird ezra treated us, that the almost adult was jokingly calling the 14 year old their husband. PF actively encouraged our identity delusions and spirals. i was expected to have the emotional and mental capacity of a fully grown adult when i barely even knew who i was. i remember semi-frequently having our possibility of undiagnosed BPD (and potentially NPD? i cant remember if thats something they ever mentioned) recognized by ezra and harpy(?), but the fact that we were untreated, experiencing symptoms of the disorder they were sure we had, struggling to understand our emotions let alone regulate them was all thrown out the window the second we made even the smallest of mistakes. our bpd and delusions were used against us as a way to keep us in line, or when we were noticeably in a spiral we would have our identity delusions towards danganronpa villains invoked to encourage us to be cruel to other people- either members of PF or strangers on twitter.
tldr fuck peach fuzz. yall messed us up. sorry for the long vent/rant we just. really really needed to get that off our chest. we have for years and it feels like we were only able to heal enough this year to actually confront it and say something about what happened. there was a lot more than just this but this is what was fucking us up the most. sorry . i gotta go take a walk goodbye
#anonymous#asks#ask to tag#grooming#omen lore#<- silly tagging this to cope with the fact that im shaking lmfao#my past is doomed to forever catch up with me#all the alters from that era are dormant too like bro i am running off of vague trauma memories#literally had to pull a trauma holder out for this one#srry if that sounded guilt trippy at all im frustrated and tired#edit: also i just noticed you said “thank god” about harpy dying. lol. kekw even#curious abt what happened but you dont have to share
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quietly raging while sitting on a crumbling leather couch. feeling sick. listening to hawaii part ii.
huge vent under cut
i just want to draw, man. i want you to leave me alone like i keep asking, i want privacy i want autonomy i dont want you looking over my shoulder policing my every move i can afford to fail a bit i just. i just want to be my own person to have hobbies to be able to talk to my friends to not be scared every time you walk by because you'll yell at me, force me into boxes and try to make my brain work in ways it doesnt know how to yet. you say you dont care about me being perfect but that you know *I* care so you care because I care but I keep trying to tell you I DONT care anymore. yeah being a perfect little person is *great* and everything but damn it theres too much shit that comes with it and im sick and tired of that shit and i keep trying to tell you that but you wont listen and every time I finally think you hear me that youre listening to what *I* want but then you do this again and you wonder why I dont trust you!! my god im not a kid anymore stop treating me like im about to shatter into a thousand pieces have you ever considered that maybe, just maybe, I know myself better then you do now? that ive taken what ive learned from hiding myself in a mental box all my life and maybe, just maybe, hide in that box around you??? and every time. every time I think maybe I can come out of the box so I test the waters i peek my face out to see if it's safe but it never is and I have to go back. maybe I dont tell you everything anymore because why should I. you dont trust me so why should I trust you. maybe there's a reason I spend so much time hiding on the internet. maybe the people on here know me better then anyone out there has ever known me. what if I actually feel safe here what if it's the only place I feel like I can say the shit I want to because maybe people here care more then all of you out there, that maybe here people dont question me and try to fix everything for me and if I can't deal with a person well god damn it that's the whole reason there's a block button. I can't block people in real life. in real life there's maybe two people I would ever talk about this shit with and one if them i dont know well enough to feel comfortable with dumping this shit on them and the other has enough of their own crap going on i cant do that to her. but I feel like the people here are really actually my friends i feel like I can trust them i would kill for them theyre my FRIENDS. you seem to think that not knowing names or faces or every detail of someone's life invalidates any possibility of "friendship" but they understand me better then you do. better then anyone irl does. and yet you think that theyre not safe that im not safe because i call them friends THEYRE MY FUCKING FRIENDS. I feel safe here I don't feel safe out there with you trying to make me into something I'm not. here no one cares!! they either like me or don't like me or hate me but they don't EXPECT anything of me unless i tell them they can. unlike you. you expect something I can't both do and stay sane at the same time because "oh you've done it before you can do it now" THINGS HAVE CHANGED. I HAVE CHANGED.
stop fucking trying to make me into a perfect little human being. im not. im not perfect damn it LET ME BE AN IMPERFECT PERSON.
#vent post#im not talking to or about anyone here. by the way.#i love you guys. im sorry i just dont know where else to say this and I need to get it off my chest#will probably delete this soon
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Thoughts 5/31
hello very long post about my thoughts on the stream today :]
all of this is about c!Wilbur, c!Tommy, and c!Quackity's roleplay, I admire and appreciate the content creators a lot
(first part of this is sort of lateral with the streams but then it just devolves sorry about that)
ay wait Wilbur is like 40?? goddamn dilf?
"Tommy the stoner" bad bit, Tommy.
"Tommy the rocker" EVEN WORSE I HATE THESE MEN
Linda? what the fuck who is she. replacement for the grind?
Tommy why are you mining so much rock. Is this to fill the void in your heart. Tommy why.
wait wait wait I caught the later end of the stream so im rewatching and Wilbur is talking about TNT mechanics but later on when trying to convince Quackity to let him into Las Nevadas, WIlbur says he's forgotten everything about TNT and won't lie. Lie? Hmm
Wilbur claiming TNT is his thing when the first instance of TNT being used in lore is when Dream blew up L'Manberg during the war when they wouldn't surrender. Hmmmm
Wilbur refusing to show Tommy what Quackity wrote for him and omitting what he wrote hmmmmmmm
WILBUR FUCKIN LIED TO TOMMY ABOUT THE BOOK AND SEGUED TO CALLING TOMMY HIS BEST FRIEND TO MAKE HIM FORGET ABOUT WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT OH MY GOD
the little breaks in serious lore for just absolute bullshit sends me
I cant trust any bitches words in this house
"Seattle, Florida" I- Geoguessr king my ass smh
Quackity's reaction to Wilbur is very similar to how Quackity reacted to Tommy and I don't know what to do with this information
Tommy's dedication to the bit of not knowing what the fuck happened to Quackity's face is amazing, like he squinted irl, I love how serious they take actually committing to acting out their parts
Tommy's pure amazement of Las Nevadas <3
QUACKITYS GIGGLE WHEN WILBUR SAID HE WAS IMPRESSED WITH IT IM FUCKIN CRYING
oop Wilbur is not invited to Las Nevadas?
(this is where it devolves :,D)
Y'all think Wilbur will somehow get his hands on Snowchester's missing nuke and blow up the prison to let him out or has the nuke been found already and I'm just being stupid?
Wilbur and Quackity are SUCH good actors, I genuinely cannot tell if they're actually trying to be good to Tommy or just lying to him to gain his trust or if they're just using him as a way to be better than the other
Very scared for when Wil visits Dream. Will Tommy follow him to try and stop him? Will Wil blow up at him and tell him off for trying to stop him? How will Dream react to Wilbur thinking of him as his hero?
Tommy was just vibin and trying not to be manipulated (again), i love that for him but i am also scared for him where is Puffy when you need her and her therapeutic self
"What could go wrong in a prison?" Sir pls
I SAW SOMEONE ON TWITTER MENTION WILBUR AND NIKI PLS I NEED THAT INTERACTION I WANT HIM TO APOLOGIZE AND NIKI TO EITHER NOT ACCEPT IT OR TELL HIM HOW MUCH SHIT HE PUT HER THROUGH
Tommy feeling like a third wheel and being like "should I leave or..?" while the two were literally being passive aggressive towards each other was so fucking funny
but was he wrong about the tension between them? no
Quackity apologists: HE JUST WANTS WHATS BEST FOR LAS NEVADAS AND WANTS TO GIVE TOMMY SOMEWHERE TO RELAX
Wilbur apologists: HE WANTS TOMMY TO STAY WITH HIM AND GIVE HIM A PLACE TO FEEL COMFORTED
Tommy apologists: DONT TRUST ANYONE
Me, having not watched shit in months: lmao manipulation go brr
I actually have little idea of what's happened in DSMP, might spend summer break catching up, who knows
y'all freakin out about Wil, Tommy, and Quackity when I'm over here being impressed and lowkey scared of the gambling system Quackity has. what the fuck was that digging noise and why were there so many zombie noises when they entered it.
was the digging noise Foolish bc i saw his name as ppl on the server and he wasn't live but I could be wrong and he could just be grinding off screen but it's also very suspicious and I don't trust anything rn
ALSO MUCH FEAR OF THE STRIPPER PLACE WHY BIG Q WHY IS THIS TO COPE FOR YOUR HUSBANDS LEAVING YOU PLEASE
hehehe friends to enemies to lovers Quackity x Wilbur slowburn lmao don't take this seriously fanfic writers I see you do not write this-
noticed how Wilbur can't stand to have people be on the same level as him and even demanded Tommy get below him mom pick me up im scared
imagining Tommy just dragging Wil with him to a session with Puffy and it's just
Puffy: okay, so-
Wilbur: *launches a speech about how he's changed and Dream is his hero and how he wants to apologize for what he's done*
Puffy: ...
Tommy, in tears: please help him
I WAS ROCKING MYSELF IN MY CHAIR WHILE WILBUR AND QUACKITY FOUGHT OVER WHO HAD MANIPULATED AND HURT TOMMY WORSE but then I remembered they were fighting on a stone d!ck with dirt for hair and I laugh
when Wilbur brought up the fiances and Quackity just ignored it </3
so much lore, not enough brain space to process it
Quackity, Wilbur, and Tommy give off older brother and his friend messing with younger brother while also hating each other, yes or yes
in other words, great job to the three of them, enjoyed the stream and can't wait to see what comes
#rp#dsmp#dream smp#wilbur soot#tommyinnit#quackity#big q#dsmp wilbur#dsmp tommy#dsmp quackity#dsmp rp#im in so much pain#but am also intrigued#thoughts#tangents#c!wilbur#c!tommy#c!quackity#lyn thoughts
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If it isn't impertinent to ask, how did you know you were non-binanry? Have you struggled with family or have they been accepting?
as long as you’re asking respectfully and because you’re actually curious, i’m happy to answer questions about any aspect of my identity. (that’s my way of saying you’re not being impertinent at all and everyone should feel free to drop into my inbox whenever they’d like)
also, warning for a long post cause i’m a wordy bitch who doesn’t know how to add a read more on mobile
so my experience is pretty much directly transposed onto aang in chapter 8 of wwda so if you’re asking about my actual thought process, you can kinda visit there. (and it occurred to me later that suki being aang’s first place of comfort could possibly fall into the ‘cis-savior trope,’ but that wasn’t my intention and simply was a reflection of the friend who most helped me with my gender crisis).
i had always known people used they/them pronouns, but i don’t think it was until i was regularly talking to friends who used those pronouns that my brain really comprehended those were an option. and i kinda was there like damn they’re so lucky they have the coolest pronouns and at some point it occurred to me that being jealous of someone’s pronouns probably wasn’t normal. and it’s definitely weird cause I’ve always personally felt that vibe of not being feminine enough OR masculine enough (not being a girly-girl or a tomboy as a kid), but i know as a kid i identified that ‘feeling like i didn’t fit in’ emotion as a sort of ‘girl power’ thing, like “I can wear dresses AND have swords!” (which i still do both, but now i know any gender can do this) whereas now i see it as being not a girl, but who knows. gender is such a social concept, i’m constantly like 🧐 what’s my gender? idfk. but another thing that did help me figure out my identity was my dysphoria (which not everybody experiences!!). i’d always thought it was an ace thing that i hated my chest, cause i didn’t understand why it was sexualized and whatnot. (but now i bind and just !!!! everytime makes me so happy, even though i rarely can cause my lungs are SHIT) but, i think most people are like connected to their bodies? and i very much just am not. that’s part of why it was so easy for me to ignore my identity cause i can put on clothes i HATE and i’ll only think about it if it’s actively uncomfortable or there’s a mirror. otherwise, i am just not aware of my body. i went most of middle school and high school not looking in the mirror and i used to say ‘what i look like is other people’s problem, not mine’ cause y’all have to look at me, i don’t. but i’m just good at ignoring things in general, from gender to sexuality to neurodivergence, i’m so busy pretending to be what i think everybody wants me to be, that i barely know who i am. also for a long time i felt really bad cause i thought i was lowkey transphobic cause i internally would invalidate non-binary identities (but out loud was always very supportive and would be mentally berating myself for being a fake ally) and uhhh. i know am aware that the only things i was transphobic about were the exact things that apply to me, so uhh. that’s just some internalized shit. also my name irl is technically gender neutral and i think i’m much closer to dressing neutral/masculine now, but people still completely identify me as female which kinda sucks. but also I’ve been performing as female for my fam so it kinda works. idk it’s all weird ngl. but the actual answer to your question was i realized it when i was ‘jealous’ of other people’s pronouns (which actually one of my friends did the same thing where they said like ‘oh you’re so lucky you get to be non-binary’ and the person they said that to had to be like, ‘if you want to be non-binary then that probably means you are’ and my friend was like 👀)
family is an interesting question cause i’m not out to them. but i also have my pronouns (they/them) in my Instagram bio and 4 of my 5 siblings are on Instagram, as well as my dad. i don’t think they’ve noticed yet. i’m very lucky in that i know my family would never kick me out or anything drastic (although i did realize that i have a piece of my bank account mentally stored for ‘if i get kicked out and need to figure shit out by myself’ which was just a strange realization) but right when i was considering coming out to my dad, he decided to make jokes about how weird they/them pronouns were. (he saw i was uncomfortable and reminded me, ‘oh, but you know i always support you’ but, i had really bad experiences with both my parents the first times i came out to them as bi and/or ace (even though they both meant well) so it’s just not something i’m looking to repeat). my mom honestly should have figured it out cause i told her about it one day when i was questioning and then refused to talk about it once i realized i was non-binary (i don’t trust her to keep a secret) but instead she just keeps teasing me for being like my one sister whenever i mention shopping for boys clothes. and since that sister was the one who ignored me for most of her teenage years, i don’t really appreciate the comparison. (also i realized that my entire fucking childhood she always always told me how grateful she was that i was a girl cause she’d always wanted a daughter. and without realizing it i think i internalized that and was like ‘yes i’ll make sure to be a daughter for sure’ even though i don’t think i am one)
and so, that was a very long way of saying, it’ll be a big blow up when i come out to my fam so i’m avoiding it (even though that means getting misgendered allll summer) as long as i can, but i do know it’ll be okay cause my family always means well underneath all the bs
but i have had a really positive time with my friends. it’s hard at university cause people will still call me she/her and i don’t have the courage to correct them, but my two friends both use she/they so they’re obviously good about it. and i got one of my friends at home to tell a bunch of my high school teachers for me cause she was emailing them and mentioned me and i was kinda like ‘hey one less coming out for me’ which was nice. and i told two other friends right before i left and they literally clapped (which i felt like was a very awkward reaction ngl, but it was nice). and one of those two kept accidentally calling me she, but would apologize when i corrected her. also i think that friend might be using she/they pronouns now too, so idk if that’s another example of me transing my friends’ genders (as i did to clara😉) or just the fact that queers find each other
i don’t know if you wanted this much detail, but i’m not really one for being concise lmao. if you were asking just out of curiosity i think i probably fulfilled that, but if you’re questioning or anything (or just curious, that’s cool too), feel free to ask more questions. i cant promise i’ll answer as quickly as i did this (cause i’m about to go pack b/c tmrw we’re going to visit my sister and her baby ☺️ so i’ll be busy prolly) but i’ll answer eventually
i hope this was helpful and/or enjoyable? if anyone actually read all of it ahdhdjsk
#long post#ask a boomerang#grace tag#boom stop using tags as an excuse to stay in bed. it’s time to paack#WHAT THE FUCK THAT JUST POPPED UP AND THATS WHAT IM DOING RN NO FAIR#tumblr how dare you call me out for being predictable#i literally don’t even travel much cause we’re in a literal pandemic yet apparently everytime i do. I procrastinate packing
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personal bad feelings dont read if sensitive
im doing really badly lately
i keep waiting for the new counsellor to call me (its been a month since she said she would call next week aka 3 weeks ago, and yes i have messaged the clinic and they said they would tell the counsellor, then nothing)
i feel like shit in my body (i have body dysmorphic disorder since i can remember and just hate my body and face immensely for being fat and ugly and dont want to live in this body and aside from that my body is also sick from being fat and unhealthy which makes me even less want to be in this body but i have zero energy to take care of it) (all my energy goes to not killing myself every day aka all my energy goes to try to cope with my mental illness and hopelessness about ever being able to live life)
i feel really extremely sad and upset about everything about living this awful life and having no possibilities and chances due to my mental illness due to being abused for my whole life and nobody helping me and even when ive been trying to get professional help for YEARS i still havent gotten help and they keep lying and changing their mind instead of helping me and i wonder how many people just like me, kill themselves because of this healthcare system being their last chance to survive and then it doesnt help
i cant trust anyone of my “”””””family””””””” or “”””””relatives”””””””””” (i renounce all of them they are not mine) and i dont have any other friends than my gf (who is in israel and we’ve never met irl but we voicecall every day and video call etc) and you guys on ssoblr and i cant trust any doctors or counsellors because they keep not helping or victimblaming me or just leaving me hanging as if i will be fine on my own when i tell them over and over that im suicidal and that ive been trying to get help for years because i dont know how much longer i can go on
im physically sick but im too scared to go to the doctor about anything whatsoever until im vaccinated because people are FUCKING USELESS DISGUSTING WORMS FOR NOT BEING CAREFUL ABOUT CORONA aka not isolating and not wearing masks and not social distancing and therefore im TERRIFIED of going to clinics and hospitals until im vaccinated so i just have to handle no matter how sick i am (while hoping to not die from it) until i can get vaccinated (the reason im esp scared of corona is bc im fat = higher risk of severe symptoms and death)
(“why are you scared of dying if youre suicidal” because i try to not kill myself every day and im terrified of killing myself i just cant handle being alive and i dont know how much longer i can handle it, also if i was sick with corona and needed to be hospitalised (again due to being fat etc higher risk) there is no saying whether i would just feel that this is too much and i will just give up, and if you think “why are you scared of dying if youre suicidal” in general youre uneducated so shut up)
i feel extremely sad and extremely bad and im sick and im scared and im really struggling to handle being alive right now and ive tried to get professional help for years but they dont help me, and i cant go to the emergency or anything when i feel extra bad because of corona (because of people being useless worms who refuse to take precautions)
i really dont want to be awake beacuse every moment being awake i have to handle being alive when i feel like i cant, but when i sleep i always always always have nightmares for my whole life and either way i cant sleep when im not sleepy so it doesnt matter even if i chose the nightmares i dont have the ability to choose to sleep more than i already do
i keep thinking about starving myself (ive had eating disorders for large parts of my life) because of the dysmorphic disorder and suicidal feelings and every day i just think about staying in bed and not eating anything and just wilting away and at least i would be skinnier before i die
i tried to cook healthy food (which i did for years before) and i got so tired from cooking for 1 hour that i didnt have energy to eat anything when i was done cooking and just gave up and left everything on the stove and went back to lay down
i dont have any energy and no motivation and everything feels hopeless and i feel extremely sad and alone aside from my gf but she is far away and its a long time until we can be together
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tw/venting
ayo the thought of having to go back to school in a little over a month is fucking wild. like.....i feel like i just got out of school and binge watched invincible for the first time. IT FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY. it’s extremely scary thinking about how fast time is passing by because i keep doing the same thing everyday. there’s barely any change in anything. not allowed outside. my IRL friends arent vaxxed yet, and even if they were, my mom’s suspicious of my intentions when going out. and lets not get into the fact that school doesnt stress me out as much, but i’ll be damned if i dont have awful test anxiety still. i feel like everything is fucking passing me by and that sucks ASS. my classmates are going out to beaches and shit, and posting on insta (good for them, i probably need to touch some grass) but like?? i feel like im just being robbed of my life. and teen years and all that.
i know the pandemic has been hard for LITERALLY everyone. (if you said 2020 was a good year, hush, you’re alone in that regard bestie, dont wanna hear it) but i just......im finally recognizing feelings and all that (shit’s scary man) my thoughts dont match my body whatsoever (not dysphoria, its derealization, or something similar). thats so scary to me. sometimes i catch myself in the mirror and im talking and im like...”thats not me.....oh fuck, it is me.” so i dont look in the mirror and talk aloud, is what im saying. i’ll have a breakdown. but im extremely extroverted. i love people, and seeing people and hugging people. and not feeling like every day that i spend inside of my fucking house is a waste of time because time travel doesnt exist and i cant get any of these days back. at all. it is a never ending cycle. i just want a hug, dude. i’ve never experienced cuddling before either. i would love to platonically cuddle someone. but i got rid of toxic friends (still not over it) and got very radicalized...but for what. my own knowledge and betterment.....but eh. plus i traumadump, nobody wants to hear my sob story, i need to hush. and get in contact with my therapist. and discuss my anxiety issues. and possible depression. and PTSD and so many other things because it’s really not cute. anyways.
also heyy, my body issues are back. like?? hello. not that they ever went away, they just steep for a bit, then start boiling back. and that’s torture for me. having a generally okay body is fine, but then i realize that when i do wear pants, they’re either my overalls (comfort and queerness) or jeans. and yay those are tighter than they were last time. and i know weight fluctuation is a thing that happens, but i really feel like i could do more to not feel as bad. (i mean, sure, i could, but exercising makes me feel horrible mentally so). i see classmates thin and everything (i know thin isnt always healthy, but a part of me wishes that i was bone thin, we wont talk about it) and i know “every body is a bikini body” and i support that initiative 1,000 percent, but A. i have no idea if my parents would even let me get one if i wanted one (i dont) and B. i dont have the confidence to wear something like that. i even hate the fucking swimsuit that i have. i want the fucking full length victorian swimsuits with a shirt and fucking shorts because i cant stand being exposed. my stomach pokes out too much. my arms arent muscly like they were some years back. i just feel....so weird. and the “oh she’s smart, she cant be hot.” one or the other type shit that my brain keeps trying to tell me is real ia NASTY. like heyyy i have a brain, and i use it most days, but my body also shouldnt be fuckshitted like this. this collection of skin and bones keeps me safe (but not from my brain, its on some different shit)
another thing is that i can not wear exposing things. ugh, i would feel so just....out in the open. im literally scared of someone coming behind me and fucking groping me, or slapping my ass. (valid fear) but i literally fucking HATE feeling like that. one, I AM UNDERAGED, and two, ITS NASTY EITHER WAY. and if i went to school, and wore something mildly form fitting, i’d be pushing my body forward to look less noticeable (i dont trust seniors), or pulling my jacket down (i always wear jackets in school) so people arent looking at me. that sucks. and i wish i didnt make my anxiety that bad as to where it just sucks to exist. with a human flesh prison that looks a certain way. i kinda just want to hide my body. permanently. (not dysphoria related, my tits are fine, if they stay, cool, if they don’t, cool) but like...ugh.
and this is where it gets EXTREMELY dark, trigger warning for suicide mention.
yeah last year on the first week of school (virtual) i really wanted to kill myself. which like..isnt okay. i havent really told anyone about that either. because it was an extremely low point for me. i just didn’t think that i could fucking make it through the entire year. all those assignments, and all those days, wasted. im not learning anything valuable (besides maybe science and finance)...i dont know what the fuck i want to do with my life. there’s no such thing as ethical consumption so i’m gonna be contributing to something fucked up, no matter what i do. im weird. and political. and opinionated. and into so many different things. which, y’know, should be cool and fun and fresh. but it terrifies me to know that other people arent like me. that they many never understand my interests. and i feel like this with EVERYONE in EVERY class. unless i see a similar interest. or a tiny flag. but the thought of introducing myself again and again. to more people. who i may never fucking see again. who probably dont care about me. kinda discourages you a bit. so yeah, i really wanted to off myself. it seemed so impossible to get through everything. and then heyyy, near the end of the year, something really shitty happened. was depressed. told my mom i may be autistic... “okay...well....getting diagnoses takes a lot of money. so unless you have 700 bucks laying around....then no.” (who says the person who may ALSO be autistic along with me) few weeks back, talking about my therapist who wanted to talk through the DSM-4 with me “you really think you’re autistic huh.” of course mom. why else would i have written a paper about it, followed actually autistic accounts, and done research on it.
then near the next year, i sucked even more ass. friend shit broke me down and i felt....like i fucked up. which i did. and like i cant keep people in my life. (which is partially true) and i felt more physically exhausted than i had in literal years. i feel very deeply, and especially with negative emotions. so that really fucked me up. (may be something more serious, i have no idea) so there’s that. i just....i’ve never felt like i had been so awful in some time. like i let everyone around me down. so no more of /those/ situations. i dont sleep correctly when my hair is wet, so you can imagine how my dreams were THAT night.
but yeah, i dont feel like wanting to kill myself again. because i know it’s not worth it. but something just keeps pulling me deeper into these disgusting pits of awfulness. like there’s no other way out. (wrong) and gritting my teeth and willing myself to do things is going to hurt, but it’s quite literally the only choice i have. i cant give up. so there’s that. my thoughts and everything. yeah.....it’s 5:10 in the morning, im going the fuck to sleep.
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rant that you can just skip over 😂 it's just detailed intrusive thoughts. and I'm continuing to rant about literally everything that goes through my brain so I am here writing this and not acting on thoughts or being stupid.
okay so this is a note from after I have written all that. and basically it's complaining and ranting about everything and hyperfixating on space and science in the end. in the middle I talk about my fears of love 😂 potentially triggering stuff? it's all nonsense you really dont have to read it. it was just to keep myself from doing something I shouldn't. so if you could be triggered by literally anything maybe dont? idk. I cant stop you but it's probably annoying and not interesting. if anyone does read it though let me know if I need to tag it anything.
So my brain has now decided that because there is no way I am sleeping tonight unless it's exhaustion, I get intrusive thoughts. fun! so rn it has been fixated on the fact that because I am closest to the outside. not hall door. that I could easily sneak out. which is very much not good idea, because 1) I dont live in this area, 2) it's still cold as fuck outside at night, 3) I would literally fucking get lost or caught immediately. So yeah :) I dont even know what I would do if I did go and I don't want to because I have an idea of what brain would say and that's a big no. it's especially big no because I'm too comfortable with the idea of it but I'm not allowed to. and I guess now it's kinda good because brain is thinking about how I miss my cat. I just wanna see my baby and be in my safe place with the people I'm actually comfortable with (cat and phone with online friends) like guys he's so fuckung adorable and what if he doesnt know why I'm not there right now. usually he sleeps in my room at night. so what if he's in my room waiting for me and I cant go see him. you're damn right that I'm crying about this. i just want my baby because he is my baby and an indicator of a safe place.
also I am so incredibly fucking uncomfortable. like I cannot sleep because 1) in a place I do not know 2) there are people (family) in the room that I am not comfortable letting my guard down around 3) there's so much noise from snoring (and from one sleep talking) 4) I am on the couch because when we go places I'm always the one who has to and it's a shitty pull out bed couch. it makes way too much noise that I have been in an uncomfortable position for over 3 hours because I dint want to disturb anyone else. and I can very easily feel like of the metal bars under the middle of my back 5) I am very cold. I forgot a blanket and I didnt get one because the room only gave us one extra one (I dont think we're supposed to have an extra person) ad my sister got it even though I'm the one by the outsid,door, window, and air conditioner which wont turn off. I at least have my flannel though to cover my legs 6) my head hurts so bad because it's the kind of headache that hurts to have eyes open, breath, or move around in general 7) my stomach hurts so bad because I had to eat because apparently people get hungry and are supposed to eat along with anxiety from literally all of this 8) I have not gotten to be alone for more than 10 minutes since the middle of Wednesday whereas usually I spend almsot all of my time alone (with cat and phone with online friends) in my safe place. 9) I have not stopped crying (not really like crying crying but like there has been tears or water from my eyes because for some reason they burn and some because of anxiety or missing cat. 10) I keep thinking that at any moment I close my eyes someone is going to break into the room or one of my family members are gonna do something (I literally dont know what, that's intrusive thoughts talking but I have previously freaked out because I thought they were gonna aliven't me for no reason) 11) When I'm somewhere I'm not used to I get really bad muscle cramps in my arms and legs and I am not having fun with that.
sorry that was a shit ton of complaining that nobody should have read or give a shit about. so sorry if anyone actually read that?
also Allison, if you actually do read this (istg you really dont have to. like I said this is just my train of thoughts written to prevent me from doing anything. I am not watching wandavision until later today 😂 and I am staying off the discord server I joined becuas of potential spoilers.
anyways continuation of rants and complaints. I really want to put the phone down and attempt to sleep even though I know I'm not gonna be able to and for that reason I have to write here because I do not trust myself with my brain being like this rn. but I wanna put phone down so bad because my eyes hurt and my head hurts from having eyes open.
and I really wanna just get my earbuds out and have controlled noise and potentially fall asleep but that would take noise louder than them to drown them out but any noise already is hurting my head and earbuds sound really uncomfortable right now.
also I'm starting to get really cold again because the flannel was working for a little but I think that was because I had to move a little bit to get it out and on my legs and I haven't been moving.
also my sister (sleep.talker) has been just making noises and mumbling all night except just now she went "eww" and rolled over and continued snoring and sleeping. so that's fun. totally didnt scare me.
oh my God it's fuckung almost 3:30 I just wanna sleep. at this rate I dont care in what way it happens, but I want sleep in the next 10 minutes so I cannot be aware of how uncomfortable or in pain I am.
my back (which usually already has back pain) connot stand to lay on the bar in this position anymore so I have to move but it's so loud and I dont wanna wake anyone up or move into a worse position but feel bad for moving.
I have now moved and I dont THINK I woken anyone up. back is better but head hurts so much more now because of movement and I am now laying on my knee which I have a lot of problems with and am not having a fun time.
idk what to talk about. I want sleep or to at least put phone down but like I said multiple times I do not trust my brain rn so I have to keep writing stuff. and I dont want to just keep complaining but idk what to talk about and complaining is easiest rn because I was out in an uncomfortable situation by coming with them and I didnt want to in the first place but would not be able to stay home.
I am now gonna talk about sleep and my thoughts about it. I like being asleep but I also dont. I like being not awake but most of the time do not like the dreams I have. but sleep itself is such an interesting concept. like the body forces itself to shut down and put you unconscious to like rest itself or repair before continuing to function. and it's like (supposed to be) on a specific or close to schedule. like youre supoosed to have a schedule for when you're unconscious. and this is completely normal. a part of our society is actually shaped around this too? like at certain times around the world it gets all dark and the world goes quiet for a while. idk I just think it's really interesting. maybe it's not idk lmao.
and now brain wants to talk about how and why I am afraid to love. :). brain is afraid to love because that means I have to be vulnerable to someone and that's just so terrifying to do, especially being someone who is different than a lot of the heteronormative society. like I absolutely love my friends. and once I'm comfortable around them, I'm gonna tell them that I love them as much as I can (but also dont want to make them uncomfortable). because if I finally feel comfortable enough around you to be vulnerable and accept that I love you despite brain's overwhelming urge to say I don't and be invulnerable and safe, I'm gonna tell you that as much as I can that I love you. because it literally happens so little in my life that I actually really trust someone. so if I tell you I love you I mean it (and it tells you I trust you). like seriously, I barely even say it to my mom because I'm so on guard and trying to watch my back around her. and I dont think I say it to the rest of my family. unless it's my grandparents I'm gonna tell them that because I think I do just in a different way of your my grandparent and you're family. and I occasionally say it to my irl best friend because there's still a lot I'm on guard about because I haven't told her a lot of things so we're not as close as you'd think. but if you're reading this I have probably told you i love you. and i know Allison i tell you as much as i can because I think yyou'rethe absolute top person that I trust and love, so i try to tell you a lot. because I love you!! you're like my entire found family 😂
but now we're gonna talk about reasons why I'm terrified to be in love romantically. Because I dont think i have actually liked someone romantically or really ever be romantically interested in anyone. I have thought about it because I felt like I had to tell myself I was ( I was not). like i thought I had a crush on someone once but I think it was because I was unable to be their friend at the time that I wanted to be their friend even more. and because I never really got to pick my friends I didnt know what it was like to actually want to be friends with someone. but thinking about someone romantically I just cant really do. because I don't want to get into a romantic relationship if I don't know if I'm gonna like them romantically at all. do people like people romantically when they first go out with someone? or do they just say I kinda like this person let's try it out? because that just doesnt make sense to me and idk. and it could very well be that I'm just to young to know yet. because I still dont even know what I would want from a romantic relationship. like... Idk what there is for me to want or what's different to loving your friends besides calling them something else? and the whole having to trust that this person likes you in a specific way that you might like them before you take it far enough and get hurt because they just don't feel the same? or you're the one that's not really sure and potentially hurt someone else? I know people say it's just a risk you're gonna have to take but I dont want to take a risk like that. I dont mind being hurt from it myself but in terrified at the thought that I could potentially hurt someone because I just dint feel a certain way. and I still dont know what the difference is between friend love or romantic love to be able to judge or risk that? like seriously what is different? because I mean, maybe affection like have someone to hug or cuddle? but you could do that with friends and it should be a normal thing to have with your friends. but ig this still is a fucked up society that thinks everything has to be more than what it really is. and it just leaves people touch starved because of it. idk. maybe one day I'll figure it out, but how it's just Greek and foreign to me. idfk.
well that was fun. now it's 4 and I need something else to talk about because even if I do potentially fall alseep soon, I do not want those to be my last thoughts and possibly have dream about it (dreams for me are typically not good).
I think I see the moon. it's either a moon or a parking lot light. and I know the moon is either full or very close to full (I'm pretty sure it's just very. close) but I wish all of those lights outside were off and possibly have a new moon so I could see the stars. I love the stars so much. i love the moon, too, but right now it's very bright. but I wish I was more into astronomy and knew more about it. because that's also something that's very interesting to me is space and the stars. I wanna be someone who knows about all of the constellations. but I have a horrible memory and absolutely would not be able to remember 88 different stories. although I'd want to. even though most of them or a bunch are just Zeus being a dick. but more to the science side of the stars is so interesting to me that they're soooooo far away. like they're literally incomprehensibly far away. like I cannot comprehend how big a football field is without see one, I'm agine being able to comprehend the distance of light years? like I know we know how far it is but I'm pretty sure human minds cannot comprehend how far that ACTUALLY is. even if we know it's a LOT. and isnt it cool how we're able to know there are other planets outside of the solar system? I believe it's 4 different planets that we know of that are MORE inhabitable than earth. like better to live on. and they have either older or stronger stars that wouldn't die out as fast as our sun. although there comes the debate of if we should be able to go to them. it's a very debatable question, but I think overall the answer would be no. because humans have fucked up an entire planet, why should we be allowed to do it to another? like it realize it's literally a percent of humans that fucked it up for the rest of the planet, but humans have an inner need to have power over everyone else and other things and would stop at nothing to get what they want. humans could so easily become corrupt and destroy other planets too. it's kind of a fucked up thing to say, but I feel like maybe humans should die out with our planet. like of course it's not fair to the ones who haven't had the chance to live a life yet. but it was never fair to the other creatures humans killed for their own needs. like we have caused extinction several times. karma will get you back in the end ig. and it would be cool to know but obviously we wouldnt be able to know, if a species even smarter than humans evolved and kept the peace on earth, even as the ruling species? ruling sounds wrong but idk what else to call it. whatever we are above everything else is what they would be. but it would be so amazing to know what smarter beings are alive or could eventually live. like that's so fucking cool.
anyways I should probably try to sleep or put phone down because now brian doesnt have time to let me do anything I shouldnt. it's 4:30 😂 someone is probably gonna wake up soon because idk.
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I started Twilight for the thousandth time because I hate myself and this time I recorded most of my thoughts and, since I have no one irl, I have To shout them into the Void
1. Why is all the dialogue so cringey?
2. Why would she remember her favorite dessert at a rando diner when she hasn’t been there in several years?
3. The coloring is just so blue
4. Why does she look SO PALE?! Is it because K Stew was actually supes pale or because the director wanted her to look vampiric?
5. Why does Bella sound like she’s gonna cry when she implies that the guys at school are sexually harassing her? Could it be BECAUSE THEY WERE DOING THAT?!
6. “Things were getting a little strange”? Just because he wasn’t in school? Bitch, you met him once and he was an ass, any sane person would just forget it.
7. “You’re not in Phoenix anymore, Bells”. They don’t have animals in Phoenix?
8. Why is every guy so invested in Bella?
9. Their first convo in class is SO AWKWARD!!! Is that bad directing and writing or is it genius?
10. “Any cold wet thing, I don’t really...” fast forward two years she’s getting dicked down by vampire cock
11. Her telling Edward about her mom and Phil is so awkward. Like, he needs to ask her to explain things that she should know need explaining. “Why’d you move here?” “My mom remarried...” “So, you don’t like the guy?” “No, Phil’s fine....”
12. When there’s a vamp as attractive as Carlisle, why would she ever go for the son?
13. The big question is why would anyone go for Edward when Carlisle is RIGHT THERE!?
14. What I wouldn’t give for a book of Cullen origin stories: Jasper in the Civil War? Alice in the Salem Witch Trials? Rosalie getting epic revenge on her rapists? Carlisle’s everything!? YES PLEASE!!!!!
15. How Edward doesn’t realize breaking into someones room and watching someone when they’re sleeping is fucking creepy, I’ll never know
16. Rosalie shoulda knocked sense into Edward to not be a creeper
17. Bella is supes rude to Mike by just not paying attention when he’s taking to her
18. Jesus, Mike’s eyes are GORGEOUS. Don’t know how I didn’t see that before
19. I would want this guy as my science teacher
20. Has Edward ever talked to a girl outside his family? Like....ever?!
21. You don’t hit a bus door to get the driver to open it. Because of this movie, I did that one time and now I hate teenage me for that
22. WHY IS EVERYONE IN THESE MOVIES SO GODDAMN SKINNY!?!
23. Love that vampires don’t need to eat, but Emmett is eating in a cafeteria scene
24. “If you were smart, you’d stay away from me.” HOW BOUT YOU STAY AWAY FROM HERE DUDE!?! MAYBE STOP GOING INTO HER ROOM AND WATCHING HER SLEEP
25. KrimsonRogue said if you can use anything besides rape, don’t use rape. Maybe SMeyer should’ve heard similar advice and taken it
26. So Jacobs just not gonna introduce his friends?
27. “You caught that, huh?” They were a foot away from her and no one else was talking
28. I remember that in this beach scene, Bella was trying to seduce Jacob into talking. And she was like, 17 and he 15 which, even if not bad with age gap, still creepy. And she’s not good at it. And doesn’t need to do it.
29. Why she shrieking? It’s a goddamn rope he’s chasing her with
30. Why are the villain vamps so goddamn dramatic?
31. Why is Bella’s google searching so instantly effective?
32. Why does she go all the way to Portland to buy one book, flip to one page, take one word from one caption of one illustration, and then never touch the book again?
33. Bella is super not a good travel companion. Why didn’t she just drove her own self to Portland to go to the bookstore?
34. How she get so lost?
35. How did she not answer her cell while her friends were freaking out about where she was?
36. Why are her friends just leaving her with this very strange dude who never interacts with anyone?
37. That first line the waitress delivers to Edward feels like very bad acting.
38. It’s hilarious that corpse feet made her immediately think of Edward
39. How could she just barely graze Edwards fingers with hers and immediately have a shock reaction of “Your hands are so cold”
40. Okay, even with all this “evidence”, no normal person would be like, “Yup yup, he’s a vampire” and then have some dramatic confrontation in the forest during school
41. She just ditches her backpack in the forest. I assume she needs it
42. “Sometime you speak as if you’re from a different time” Bitch, when?
43. These are not normal conversations that happen in these movies
44. Bella is not normal. Dude she’s known for two days says he’s probs gonna kill her and she’s just like “Yeah, cool”
45. Why does he think his sparkle skin is a turn-off? I’d be like, “Hell, yeah, you never need to buy body glitter”
46. How she trust him after, like, two weeks and a couple conversations? I don’t trust people with my FEELINGS after two years, this bitch trusting an admitted murderer with her LIFE after two weeks
47. “I’m not afraid of you. Only afraid of losing you.” EXCUSE ME BITCH WHAT!?!? YOUVE KNOWN HIM TWO WEEKS
48. YOU CANT FALL IN LOVE THAT FAST!!!!!
49. Okay, but why’d Angela say “Oh my god” before Bella even got out of the car? All that she saw was the car drive up and Edward get out
50. Why were people staring? That’s not how high school works. People don’t REALLY give a shit who’s dating who unless they’re queer
51. I get the convo montage is to indicate they’re spending a lot of time together, but they’d have to remember the exact place they left off in the conversation or just have the same conversation over and over
52. Only living on tofu would not keep you strong
53. Okay, that cut of him jumping from the rock and cut to him jumping into the truck bed is very good
54. “Here comes the human”..... WHO SAID THIS LINE!?!? It sounded very happy, BUT THE ONLY TWO WOMEN IN THE ROOM WERE ESME AND ROSALIE AND ROSALIE WAS NOT HAPPY AT ALL AND ESME WASNT SPEAKING
55. If I were in Bella’s position, among other things I woulda done different, I woulda eaten the shit out of that Italian meal the Cullens prepares for me
56. The scene in Edwards bedroom is so goddamn awkward, but I feel like that works since she’s super awkward and he’s a 108 year old virgin who’s never spoken to a girl before her
57. Why she just turn his stereo on without permission?
58. I heard Claire de Lune is like, the most basic piece ever. Writers couldnta been more creative?
59. How is taking her on a tree climbing adventure making her dance?
60. “So, you and Cullen, huh? I don’t like it.” YOU KNOW WHAT MIKE!?! FUCK OFF!!! YOU HAVE NO GODDAMN SAY IN IT
61. What the hell was that twerking to the daughter of the chief while the chief was there?
62. So he’s been watching her sleep for the past couple months. She got there middle of the semester. So around March. A couple months would make it June. HOW LONG IS THIS SCHOOL YEAR!?!
63. Why Edward couldn’t have bounced with Bella before the villain group got there is beyond me.
64. THIS SCENE WHERE BELLA TALKS SHIT TO CHARLIE AND LEAVES THE HOUSE!!!! THIS IS THE PART I HATE THE MOST BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY GODDAMN WAYS SHE COULDVE LEFT HOME FOR A COUPLE DAYS!!!! “I’m gonna go stay at Jessica’s house for the weekend” “I’m gonna go to Angela’s house for the weekend” “I wanna take a weekend trip with Jessica” “I wanna go visit Mom for a couple days” LITERALLY ANYTHING EXCEPT THAT WOULDA WORKED THERE WAS NO GOOD REASON FOR HER TO HURT HIS FEELINGS LIKE THAT
65. If Rosalie could smell Bella across the field when there was no breeze, why can’t James smell her standing five feet from her?
66. Laurent really didn’t give them any helpful information. James is super dangerous? Yeah, Edward already got that. Victoria is dangerous? Yeah, that’s kinda common sense. Thanks for nothing, you French bastard
67. Man, why the tits did Bella not just tell Alice and Jasper about James supposedly having her mom hostage? Seems like she should trust the group of seven vamps to beat two
68. How did Alice see James going to the ballet studio but not James calling Bella?
69. “I don’t regret the fact that I’m gonna die because at least I got to meet Edward” is what she’s basically saying. As the great Ronald Weasley said, “She needs to sort out her priorities.”
70. The level of dependency Bella exhibits when Edward tells her she has to go to Jacksonville is truly terrifying.
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Oh boy.... where... WHERE... do i begin with this... i had to think about this for a LONG time... cause i know if i talk about this and try and give Aidan more attention... then my friend and great artist, Raisha gs will be upset with me... and.... will probably block me.... leaving me here to grieve again for the mistakes i did...... so if Raisha some how knows that i have a twitter acc... first off... hi dude... second off dont block me... yhe worst you can do is block someone for trying to get something out of they're situation so they can feel better... im not saying that your a bad person... im not saying that that your trying to control my life... all im saying is that.. please... understand that i need to do this... if people are doing this against people like Lui or Mini Ladd or even Shane Dawson... then i should do the same for a guy who has did this... dont worry... i blocked him on twitter.... so dont worry about him trying to find out about what im talking about... ok...? I hope you understand...
so for starters if you dont know who i am, i am the Dimensionmaker. Someone who wants to make animations for yt, who wants to make his own games, want do lets plays, and even talk to you viewers... i have a rough life... filled with nothing but people lying to me, people cheating on me without a reason (the numbers of people who did that is now 61 in total...), people lying ABOUT me, nothing but fear, and many more... Jaiden or Kitty Courtnie And Linka, is... the first gf i ever had. She was... the worst as well. She never listened, didnt care, and then cheated... then we have... Aidan2003, who is the main topic of this...
We start from what caused all of this to happen... when i was in middle school still i was on roblox... i had great friends... one of them named herself Jaidenanimations (not the real one...) also known as Courtnie... she was the nicest.. at the time she had a bf named Dud.. (btw Dud is Older then both me AND courtnie.. he acted like a complete creep around her..) but fsr.. Dud broke up with her.... someone named Ethan dated her too... but then broke up with her... and who knows if he is older then courtnie at the time... she was now sad... so i decided to become her bf... and when i did... we were... THE BEST... we loved each other more then anything... she would without me asking, want to do a drp with me... she wanted to come to my house... she wanted to meet me irl... she was better then anyone...things got a bit worst... Jaiden was now enemies with everyone... (Ethan, Dud, Jonathan, etc...) she doesnt want them to follow her... so i decied to be a bit strict.. and tell her to NOT go to any of the roblox games till she blocks them... and she lies to me... saying that... "She wasnt able to block them as a crack was CONVENIENTLY on the block and unfriend button..." and when ever we have a plan or another idea on what can actually work... she lied her way saying thaings like oh.. "My Phone Is Dead" and such.. so much in fake that it was... PREDICTABLE... she then started to hang out with them... i became a bit more stricter... then my mental health became bad... she didnt listen... it made me feel like nobody listens to me... leading me into a depression... i felt like nobody liked me... nobody listens to me... nobody even cared about me... i wanted to die... a... bunch of times... most of the time... she never cared... then... on yt......... she cheated on me... with 2 people who were OLDER THEN ME AND HER COMBINED (being both Jonathan and Dud... keep that in mind...)... i noticed this.... i was FURIOUS..... i yelled at the thing i thought was a girl i Loved... a girl i could trust... a Girl that i thought was LOYAL..... then her parents got involved calling me rude words like European Boy (i think it was something else) "just because my skin was black".. keep that in mind as well... "her parents deleted her discord acc For Good..." (keep thaf in mind...)... then... i sobbed... again... and again... i tried to go and find people who cares about me or loved me... but then they cheated... one by one... my mental health became WORST.... i tried many methods... me having more then one girlfriend... having them make promises due to what has happen to me... being nice... being strict..... nothing worked.......... my life was miserable...... i didnt finally be able to talk to courtnie and get her to break up with Jonathan... she was happy that she did... but then she didnt come back to roblox... but then betrayed me yet again........
I asked one of my friends on if they are able to talk to Courtnie...they couldn't... all except for one person one of them know... Aidan... i talked to Aidan and he actually was nice... but then... he started to act like im a pedo... wanna know why...? Get this... JAIDEN LIED ABOUT HER AGE THE WHOLE TIME. when i was 13 she was 10 ALL ALONG. She lied to me for YEARS... saying she was my age.... i blocked Aidan and never talked to him ever again... and jaiden finally talks to me and we were in good terms... but then... Aidan came in.... saying jaiden has caused alot of crap to him... i believed him and became his friend only to be forced into a group where this friends (ETHAN AND IVAN BEING ONE OF THEM) could harass me... then... we go to his videos... his videos are false... they barely show proof... he says points that are completely incorrect.... hell here is some (not all cause i dont want to be texting all night) he said in them...
- "I Know Where You Live And I Know Everything About You"
He says this yet he assumed i was a 25 year old man. Even tho im now 15. At the time i was 14 now im 15. Plus he doxxedy house. And stole my IP ADDRESS... that right there makes him seem more like a creep. Courtnie without me asking told me where she lived. This guy STOLE MY IP ADDRESS AND FUCKING DOXXED MY HOUSE. That right there will show that he is a bad person who is just lying to ruin my life... speaking of lying
- "Schroederluvr Is A Minor"
This proves that he didnt even talk to her... she isnt a minor... hell looking at her compared to me... she is OLDER THEN ME.. SHE IS 20 SOMETHING YEARS OLD. I Didnt Harass Her Anyways so why is he saying that i did.
- "Lillie is innocent"
Lillie on Instagram literally said in her own words that she is bullying me because of me being depressed. Thats jot justified AT ALL.
"Klara's post is about me"
No its not. Its about lillie and her friends. Who BTW IS DMING ME SENDING A PICTURE OF SOME STUPID PICTURE OF A INCINEROAR. sure yes it doesnt seem to bad but its EXTREMELY ANNOYING.
- "Telling the police that Aidan doxxed my house and Stole my IP Address wont do anything"
It will, Aidan. It literally says that no matter how you got it or why you got it, you will be send to jail.
- "TALKING to minors is bad"
Wrong. If thats the case then someone like WILDCAT, VANOSS, H2ODELIRIOUS, MARKIPLIER, CORYXKENSHIN, AND MANY MANY MORE would be swatted and in jail. Its not Illegal to talk to them.
- "that Katie is innocent"
Katie has done a MOUNTAIN of stuff to me. So much so that even the nicest people of all time wont be nice to her. She isnt in the right. AT. ALL.
- "that telling people to leave me alone is harassing them"
Its not harassment. Seriously. A NORMAL HUMAN BEING WOULD KNOW THAT IST NOR HARASSMENT TO TELL SOMEONE TO GO AWAY OR LEAVE THEM ALONE
- "That im a predator yet youw ont go after Jonathan and Dud"
He literally spares them but not me. Jonathan was 17 i think. And Dud was i think 19. Now he's probably 20 OR 21 YEARS OLD. And you STILL come at me for just DATING someone who LIED ABOUT HER AGE.
- "that i was... Harassing? xxlitle_dummyxx"
Even tho she literally wants to be rude while im trying to help... wow... just fucking WOW
- "that not telling people your name, nor putting your name on your acc is a bad thing"
No.. no its not... hell we look at a bunch of youtubers doing that. Hell there are a bunch of people i KNOW that doesnt say they're real name. It's THEY'RE CHOICE. Not yours Aidan.
Anyways.... then to make things worst he called me the N word a bunch of times then say that he "didnt" because i didnt have proof... wanna know why? BECAUSE HE BLOCKED ME AFTER THAT SO I WASNT ABLE TO TAKE A VIDEO OF THIS. Then he made a fake conversation between me and jaiden. I can tell its fake by just looking at the pfps and names...
I decided to delete all the posts about him on Instagram... not because he beated me... but because i wanted Raisha gs to be happy... to not hate me...... to not block me... thats something that Effects me when it comes to someone like Raisha or Brsstar... i worry that if i make one mistake for what ever reason... ill be blocked... so im hoping that Raisha understands that i cant hold all of this in anymore... if Aidan are exposing me for shit i didn't do... if PEOPLE are coming out to finally say the truth about someone... then i should as well.... i hope you understand if you made it this far...
So... here's what i have to say for the conclusion of this... if you all see the name... "Aidan2003"... block him... REPORT HIM... do what ever you like to him.... he wants to hurt me for shit i didnt do... so why should i say to not do the same to him... he is not a good person... he never was....
This is The Creator Of Multiverses... and i will soon make other posts, dont worry ^^.
Till then my fell Universers..
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HIStory’s ranked (no one asked, but here i go)
so i was sittin here, talkin to myself about the HIStory series’ and was like ‘hey, i should rank them’ (which i’ve seen a few other people do, but mines a lot more rambling than there’s because i can’t shut up lol)
so here’s my views lol (ordered from worst to best, imo):
6) My Hero (HIStory1) -
probably universally acknowledged as the worst episode, and i’d be inclined to agree with the masses on this lol... not only is the tone and humour of this series so weird and disjointed, but the entire story line literally makes no sense lol?? it’s unclear who the audience should be rooting for (especially as it goes out of it’s way to paint our protagonist as really unlikable lol, not to mention the love interest is the dullest character ever conceived like ???), as well as this the ending feels completely unrelated and bizarre...
i think this concept /could/ have worked if the guy the woman was inhabiting (which sounds weird without context, but like she’s dead lol) was somehow also inside his head? or if she got to see his memories or whatever & tries to adjust her personality to match the guy’s, causing love interest!dude to fall in love with the guy... (like i could go into more detail, i basically hav an entire au written in my head lol, but yh...)... that way, her letting go of him in the end would feel so much more well set up? especially if she was generally more understanding and likeable..
i think overall this series just fails in telling a decent story lol... & the cringe is even beyond what i can handle lol
5) Obsessed (HIStory1) -
people might be surprised to see this one so low down, especially since i know a lot of people really love this series (& if u do, no hate to u btw, ur allowed to like whatever u want idc), but i realllllly don’t like this series... like at all ...
the plot is weird anyway, which isnt inherently a bad thing, but then u add on the really bad couple and it’s just...... bad lol... like everything about their relationship is built on lies and deceit, and even more so than that it’s built on a lack of mutual respect and fundamental trust for each other! tall guy (i don’t know names soz) feigns memory loss in order to get closer to short guy (btw, the scenes with them being domestic were really sweet, & i firmly believe this could have been an alright series for the actors if the story line wasn’t so bad), short guy’s whole existence in that universe was a lie lol (like i know there’s no easy way to tell someone ‘lol well i’m technically from the future’ but still), then there’s the whole resolution at the end & it’s just so ??? frustrating lol!
nothing bugs me more than seeing conflict in relationships (on screen or irl) that could be solved simply by TALKING TO EACH OTHER GODDAMNIT & isnt lol... my other issue with this series is the fact tall guy 100% forced himself upon short guy in the tent & like we’re just supposed to accept it cos ?? he’s saying no and pushing away but actually he wants it because he loves tall guy ?? like fuck no i’m not accepting that lol!
basically, bad & bizarre story & characters, & gross tropes just makes this hard for me to watch and enjoy lol... i think, like in my hero, this could’ve done with being a different story altogether lol... (maybe tall guy actually did lose his memory & he falls for short guy all on his own with no predatory intentions?? idk something like that)
4) Right or Wrong (HIStory2)
this one & my number 3 are very much tied tbh, but this one is just slightly lower just because i’m not as big into the couple as i know a lot of people are... & it’s not necessarily the age gap, cos i dont actually mind age gaps in pairings (just as long as the younger one isnt a minor, obv... and also i think any gap that’s 30+ years is a bit weird lol..).. i think my big problem with this is i dont really see why younger guy (again, i have no idea of any of these characters’ names lol) would fall for the older guy? like the older guy is obvs going thru some issues, and hasnt been taking care of himself or his kid properly because of them, but like we dont rly see a lot of why he’s a great guy? like we get the sense young guy is attracted to him, but like love is more than just thinkin they’re hot lol... idk lol this might just be me tbh i just couldnt see why he’d be interested lol
i did like the whole family side though, and showing how a man who was previously with a woman can still end up with a guy (bisexualityyyyy (or some variation of that thereupon)) is something you dont always see in media, so i thought that was pretty cool! (even if the ex-wife thing was kinda lame lol...)
i think overall i see what this series was going for, and that it actually did an alright job in some parts... the biggest problem is that it’s kinda just forgettable lol... maybe that’s why people like obsessed so much lol? maybe it was a train wreck but ohh boy at least u wont forget it in a hurry lol!
3) Stay Away From Me (HIStory1) -
i’m a bit torn about this one, cos there are parts of it i actually really like (them going from rivals/enemies to being good friends to being more), and other parts i really didnt (the stereotypical squealing yaoi fangirl friend)... & tbh, i kinda wish this had just been a show about the budding friendship between the 2 guys... it almost feels too forced to me that they’re made to ‘fall in love’ when i actually think them both becoming less selfish and learning to respect each other as step brothers & friends is actually already a really great story (& i know that it doesnt fit with the whole ‘HIStory’ thing, but stories of platonic brotherhood/’bromance’ are just as important as gay representation... isnt a /substitute/ for representation, don’t get me wrong, but it’s always so beautiful to see decently portrayed non-toxic friendships between guys... ok this is a rant for another day tho shhh)
i think maybe why i like this one more than the other HIStory1′s is because kinda nothing happens lol... it’s not overly complex with weird unexplained magic things happening, it’s just a simple story lol... is it still tropey as hell? of course lol! but i think the ‘realism’ of the world really helps, and i def think this was incorporated more into HIStory 2, which i’m really glad about...
overall, this is a relatively harmless series & is actually quite sweet at times... the kiss is awkward as fuck tho (there, i said it lol...)... it suffers the same forgetability as right or wrong tho...
2) Crossing the Line (/Boundary Crossing) (HIStory2) -
ok, so here’s a series i 100% love & totally agree with the hype around lol! i hav no interest in volleyball (or any sports tbh), but the way this show handles the friendships and dynamics between the characters is really well done, especially for a series that’s only 8 episodes long! i also really love that none of the characters really fall into any stereotypes (which is a great improvement from HIStory1 i can tell u lol), and are given the space to actually have some growth & nuance at times?!
(nuance? in MY HIStory series?? it’s more likely than you think!)
the main couple have really amazing chemistry, and the way they get together doesnt feel too out of place or that it’s going to fast, it just sorta flows really nicely... even the side couple are pretty well done (though i wasnt that big into them on my first watch, just cos the whole overbearing older brother thing was kinda annoying... i liked them more as the series went on tho...)
i kinda dont have any major complaints? which is bizarre cos i always hav complaints about things lol... maybe my complaint would be that they all look way too old and attractive to be whatever teenage age they’re supposed to be lol... (but tbh that doesnt take anything away from the story so i’ll forgive them lol...)... i think maybe i wouldnt consider it my favourite because the story line didnt grab me like the number 1... but i really cant fault it in terms of what it delivers lol, legit such a well put together series!
1) Trapped (HIStory3) -
lol i think anyone who’s been following me for the past few months aren’t in the slightest bit surprised this is my number one... i just love it too much lol!
from the incredibly well written and well acted characters, to the interesting and engaging (even if a bit ridiculous) plot, to the beautifully told romance , it really has it all doesn’t it!!! & i think even if this wasnt an enemies to lovers thing (aka one of the most godtier of all fanfic tropes), there’s so many things going for this series that make it worth watching! i have a few complains about editing choices and a few bad trope plot points which were just unnecessary (plus the fact we missed out on a lot of background info on some major characters lol...), but like despite everything this series rly struck a chord with me deep down in my soul lol
i could go waaay more into detail (and maybe i will one day lol... tho not rn, i’m v tired), but the gist of the matter is: i really love trapped lol
(conclusion)
Even though i’ve complained quite a bit here, i am so grateful for the HIStory series’ for bringing really interesting, and a little mad, stories with gay characters and story lines, with a big emphasis on happy endings! there are so many lgbt stories/characters in things that end up dying or just have bad endings, which just sends this horrible message that lgbt people aren’t worthy of having happy endings, which is completely untrue!
So i look forward to future HIStory’s, even if some of them are gonna be bad (& maybe none will live up to the trapped!shaped bullet firmly lodged in my heart lol)
fin~
#HIStory series#HIStory1#HIStory2#HIStory3#(not gonna tag them all individually cos we'll be here for years lol)#review#rant#(not really)#gay series#taiwanese series#lgbt series#lgbtq#HIStory#i've not read it through lol... might make no sense... dont read this lol
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i have very deep rooted issues caused by my parents but so does everyone else i have no one to talk to to feel supported i dont have anyone got confide in i try to talk to my mom everyday about how im feeling begging for any kind of support and i get ignored every single time my feelings get fucking ignored everyday i dont truly trust anyone i dont have anyone at all i cant tell when my mom is acting shes weak and ‘fake’ and fucked up but not as fucked up as my ‘dad’ who’s even more fake and weak and fucked up i cant trust either of them ever because all they do is lie to themselves and everyone else but that shit dont work on me i see through everyone’s bullshit i wish people could just be honest about how they feel and communicate with each other truthfully but they dont and thats why i have trust issues lol can people just stop lying for one second especially to themselves like you’re not fooling anyone well maybe u are but you’re not fooling me why cant people be honest with themselves lying so deeply to yourself isnt gonna make u feel better but its a defense mechanism to push everything down and hide all the bad feelings idk like i dont trust anyone to do anything lmao but like i also do i trust my few friend i wish i had friends irl who i can trust bc im always moving around i dont have friends where i am i need love and trust and stability but i dont want stability i want fun
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PREFERRED NAME — nora. i think i started going by it in like, 2009?? my full name is eleanor but i hated it n thought it was way too pretentious n i never felt like it fitted me so when i started writing on forums i decided i’d be a nora rather than eleanor and then my school friends called me it and it just kinda stuck, the only person who calls me eleanor is my mum
PRONOUNS — she / her / ethereal being beyond comprehension
AGE — 23 but i tell everyone im 21 because even tho time is literally fake im desperately clinging to that fleeting thing we call youth trying to catch it like smoke in my hands
PINTEREST — i actually have two. this one is my main one where i just cram all my shit n i’ve had it for years and some of its super unorganised. then i also have this one which is one i made for exclusively female characters. it started as mythological figures but now its like, women in literature and the occasional oc as well. variety is the spice of life!
DISCORD — lindsay lohan’s meth#8664
TUMBLR (PERSONAL/MUSE/RPH) — i used to be froseths but now im pvrscphones cos ya gal is a fucking whore for mythology
OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE — oi oi guvna ere’s me twitta. also here’s my letterboxd n my goodreads if anyone still uses tht
MYER-BRIGGS — enfp / infp border .... the classic profile of a lit student
HP HOUSE — hufflepuff, am fuckin mad.
ZODIAC — libra which is a joke because i am in no way balanced but i guess i AM indecisive and a peacekeeper so?
DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY? — i believe it when it says good shits gonna happen in my life and blame it if bad shit happens but i don’t strongly follow it i just find it interesting
HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU STARTED RPING ON TUMBLR — maybe like 14?? my first rp blog here is literally so embarassing i wrote as clove from the hunger games n my best friend irl wrote cato :/ it was wild
WHAT YEAR WAS IT? — like 9 years ago?? 2010 maybs
NAME A RANDOM ROLEPLAY THAT STICKS OUT IN YOUR MEMORY — me n my friend ellie made this really cool group the summer before we left for uni which was loosely based on a concept mentioned mayb once in the divergent series, but it gave us loads of freedom to make it our own thing. it was called the fringe n it was like..... this dystopian society where people with different genes were cut off from the rest of society n lived in overrun slum cities where different groups had like, a monopoly over weapons, produce, etc.... my character jack was the leader of this lost-boy-esque tribe called the wolf pack who were hunters n used to run across the rooftops wearing the skins of animals they’d killed and engage in tribal rituals with sacrifices to the gods n shit. sounds lame but everyone there was so invested in their character arcs that it was a shame to see it go. but ! it kind of reached its end point so we blew it up w nukes n they all died. tragic.
WHAT WEIRD ANIMAL WOULD YOU HAVE AS A PET IF IT WAS REALISTIC — a fox?? do ppl keep foxes? idk i’ve always just felt a sense of connection w them like when a fox stares at me im like this shit is life i am living and breathing in this bitch.... visceral
NAME THE FIRST SONG ON YOUR DISCOVER WEEKLY ON SPOTIFY OR THE FIRST SONG THAT COMES ON APPLE MUSIC / ITUNES SHUFFLE — everbody party tonight by cobra man n summer girl by haim..... not my usual stuff but big summer chillin vibes,.....
NAME A BOOK THAT YOU READ IN SCHOOL THAT YOU SURPRISINGLY LIKED — lord of the flies and also the handmaid’s tale. one of assignments was to write a chapter from another character’s perspective n i chose moira
NAME A BOOK YOU HATED THAT MOST PEOPLE LIKED — skellig. fuck off with ur asprin ugly bat man i don’t care. also of mice and men. don’t care about the rabbits or curley’s goddamn wife.
WHAT TV SHOW DID YOU RECENTLY BINGE? — im not a big binger bc i find it jst makes me depressed if i watch tv all day but im nearly finished stranger things season 3 n i recently finished euphoria (big rec but proceed w caution as quite triggering content)
FAVOURITE QUOTE — cool girl speech from gone girl. but also “there’s something dangerous about the boredom of teenage girls” i know its like.... such an overused quote but it really encapsulates this kind of feral girlhood that a few of my characters like bridget n greta have tapped into. i also loved the line “i feel like i could eat the world raw” from song of achilles, that really captures this kind of.... pure n childlike enthusiasm tht i wanna achieve w rory
LINK TO A VINE THAT EXUDES YOUR ‘ENERGY’ — this is my energy completely am always covered in glitter n staring broodily out of the windows of ubers at 4am like im in the sad bit of an indie film
DO YOU WRITE OUTSIDE OF RP? WHAT DO YOU WRITE? — uhh.... not as much as i shd.... i want to be a writer so i shd be makin some effort to get my stuff Out Into The World but im just not.... lol. ive done a lot of poetry collections . i wnt to finish a novel @ some point too.
THREE YOUTUBERS YOU STILL TRUST — bold of you to assume i trust any youtubers
A CELEBRITY CRUSH THAT JUST WON’T QUIT — id literally die for saoirse ronan n timothee chalamet :/ chance perdomo also owns my ass.
EVER MEET A CELEBRITY? SHARE YOUR STORY — i once high-fived dani harmer, the actress who played tracy beaker. today my sister text me tryin to make me guess what celebrity she just saw on holiday in wales and for ages she let me think it was timmothee but it was actually bradley walsh from the chase :/
WHAT’S YOUR PICTURE-PERFECT NIGHT? — i am in a bomb ass crop top and mini skirt, several scrunchies in my hair, glitter all over my face, wearing cowboy boots. we eat dinner in a trendy but affordable pub that doubles up as a cocktail bar n then we drink zombies or sex on the beaches n go to a rave where everyone is on the same wavelength n i share drugs with girls in the toilets and we swap numbers knowing we will never text each other but its ok bc in that moment we feel like we are soulmates and everyone is super drunk n touching everyone else n its all very visceral and we walk through the woods when the rave ends and lie in the grass because we wish to suck out all the marrow of life
A CONSPIRACY THEORY YOU KINDA BELIEVE IN — princess diana was murdered
ARE ALIENS REAL? — maybe the real aliens are the friends we made along the way
PLAY ANY PHONE GAMES? WHICH ONES? — love island game im addicted and way too invested in my fictional relationship with bobby, a cartoon
WHAT’S A FILM YOU LOVED WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG AND RECENTLY WATCHED, ONLY TO FIND OUT YOU DON’T ANYMORE — bold of u to assume i remember my childhood. but if we’re talking last 10 years angust, thongs n perfect snogging is so so cringe
DO YOU COLLECT ANYTHING? — pairs of glasses belonging to other ppl when they break / get new ones even though i can see perfectly well.
WHAT’S SOMETHING YOU WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT BUT YOU’RE TOO LAZY? — mythology...... always a craving and a wish i’d read like ancient texts but my school wasn’t good enough to do greek or latin or any of that shit n even tho i could read english translations i cant be bothered. also criminal psychology
THREE LANGUAGES YOU DON’T SPEAK, BUT WISH YOU COULD — italian, french and latin
MOVIE YOU’VE WATCHED MORE THAN 5 TIMES — ladybird, about time, angus thongs, shrek 2, what we do in the shadows, the history boys, atonement, coraline, the breakfast club, ferris bueller’s day off
NAME A FICTIONAL CHARACTER FROM TV/FILM/MOVIE/GAME/BOOK THAT YOU FIND YOURSELF PROJECTING ON / YOU RELATE TO — cecilia lisbon. rue in euphoria. alison brie in glow. adam parrish in the raven cycle. richard papen. olivia cooke’s character in thoroughbreds. allen ginsberg in kill your darlings. lily in sex education. holliday grainger’s character in the film animals --- i too am an aspiring writer who never writes and just gets drunk instead .
DO YOU FOLLOW ANY SPORTS? WHO DO YOU ROOT FOR? — no. cba
HOBBIES BESIDES WASTING AWAY HERE? — i go to the movies basically every day bcos i work in a cinema. im also a voracious reader n i occasionally do theatre or costume making
PLUG A TV SHOW / MOVIE / BOOK / VIDEO GAME / ETC… YOU WISH MORE PEOPLE WOULD CHECK OUT — where the wild things are (film by spike jonze). animals. beats. the book fen by daisy johnson and a girl is a half formed thing by eimar mcbride. andy warhol’s biography from a to b and back again
WHOSE BRAIN WOULD YOU LIKE TO PICK, ALIVE OR DEAD? — phoebe waller-bridge on how i get her life. carey mulligan on how she got to be such a good actress n how i can become her. maybs wes anderson. maybs gillian flynn. i tend to listen to podcasts w the ppl i really wanna pick the brains of.
TEAM EDWARD OR JACOB? — edward :/
LAST MOVIE SEEN IN THEATRE — blinded by the light n i lovd it
DO YOU STILL READ? — when i finished uni i kinda got out of the habit but this week i finished two books so ive set myself the challenge of a book a week.
IF SO, WHAT ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING? — i finished song of achilles yesterday n i also finished call me by your name yesterday. started circe by madeline miller today, im also partway through milkman by anna burns and the plays of annie barker
ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW MUCH DID YOU HATE FILLING THIS OUT? – 3 i didnt hate it bcos at heart i am self-indulgent and love fashioning some sense of self when i feel lost in a world that is scary and constantly changing
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1-154. you wont
bitch
bet i will
1: Full name
lashy. das all you get
2: Age
19
3: 3 Fears
stairs, glass breaking, not being able to get ahold of someone
4: 3 things I love
my ocs uwu, my friends, my fucking tablet goddamn
5: 4 turns on
not comfy sharing on tumblr
6: 4 turns off
ill say ill come back to this one then leave this in the post
7: My best friend
rn i would say it’s probably blitztrolls
8: Sexual orientation
pan uwu
9: My best first date
ahh.... i havent had an in person first date still ;u;
10: How tall am I
5′5″
11: What do I miss
not being stressed eue;;;
12: What time were I born
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
13: Favourite color
pale blu
14: Do I have a crush
ye u//w//u
15: Favourite quote
you know these things are asked and my mind goes blank
16: Favourite place
the woods just after it’s rained
17: Favourite food
im a basic bitch and just gonna say mac n cheese
18: Do I use sarcasm
no absolutely not. nope.
19: What am I listening to right now
ambles playlist- it’s on ocean eyes by billie elish rn
20: First thing I notice in new person
prooooobably like. their face? typing style if it’s online
21: Shoe size
uhhhhhh i think like a womens 10?
22: Eye color
blue/green
23: Hair color
dark brown
24: Favourite style of clothing
loose and baggy because if i cant be comfortable what’s the point
25: Ever done a prank call?
HELL YEAH
27: Meaning behind my URL
lashyd was one of my first fantrolls and i liked the way it sounded
28: Favourite movie
mmmmm either labyrinth, princess mononoke or annihilation
29: Favourite song
no clue my friend im bad at picking
30: Favourite band
same as above sweats
31: How I feel right now
excited but tired
32: Someone I love
passivetrolls u//w//u/
33: My current relationship status
in a relationship!
34: My relationship with my parents
love my dad, kinda dislike my mom
35: Favourite holiday
christ mass
36: Tattoos and piercing i have
none, im so scared of needles ;u;
37: Tattoos and piercing i want
mmmmmaybe something stupid and simple on like my ankle?? i dunno what tho sweats
38: The reason I joined Tumblr
another fandom and i got bored with homeschooling lmao
39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?
i dislike them but they have tried to contact me a few times before i blocked them
40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?
not usually
41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?
i dont text so ill go w discord and no i have not the last person i messaged was you shenk gdi
42: When did I last hold hands?
the 2nd ;u;
43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?
7ish minutes
44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?
hellllllllllll no
45: Where am I right now?
room
46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?
prooooobably my bf or my dad. hate alcohol tho
47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?
loud but only w speakers
48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?
only da
49: Am I excited for anything?
absolutely motherfucker im making new friends left and right
50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?
i got two uwu
51: How often do I wear a fake smile?
:))))))) irl most of the time tbh
52: When was the last time I hugged someone?
last night
53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?
i would probably cry ugnfldkjfgslfdjg the last person i kissed was my bf wheezes
54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?
i mean probably.
55: What is something I disliked about today?
ehhhh nothing bad has really happened today
56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
probably my friend from serbia uwu
57: What do I think about most?
ocs probably sweats
58: What’s my strangest talent?
burping on command? i dunno
59: Do I have any strange phobias?
glass shattering ouo;;;
60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
beh ind
61: What was the last lie I told?
calling myself a basic bitch lmao
62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
phone probably? video calls make me nervous
63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
hell yeah to both
64: Do I believe in magic?
hell yeah i yell tossing salt on all my rocks
65: Do I believe in luck?
yeee
66: What’s the weather like right now?
uhhh clear i think
67: What was the last book I’ve read?
Shibuya Goldfish
68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?
nop
69: Do I have any nicknames?
lash, lashy, gremlin and then stupid relationship nicknames gldsfgjfgs
70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?
prooobably almost falling down some stairs at a con and chipping my shin and probably partly pulling my shoulder out of the socket
71: Do I spend money or save it?
i try to save but end up spending it ouo;;;;
72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?
nearly
73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?
there are some half customized MH dolls so i guess yeah
74: Favourite animal?
cat uwu
75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?
drawing ambles trollcall pick
76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?
satan stan obviously
77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?
Here - Ancient Magus' Bride OP
78: How can you win my heart?
art of my ocs ngl
79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?
fuck if i knew
80: What is my favorite word?
probably fuck if you would ask my phone lmao
81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr
passivetrollsblitztrollstavvys-trollsfilibusterfrogwe-are-the-legion
82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?
hey fuckers lets rumble
83: Do I have any relatives in jail?
not that i know of
84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?
teleportation ngl
85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?
probably 87
86: What is my current desktop picture?
87: Had sex?
sweats how about we move on
88: Bought condoms?
ye
89: Gotten pregnant?
hell no
90: Failed a class?
i think yeah
91: Kissed a boy?
yeeeeeeee
92: Kissed a girl?
nop
93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?
does it count if we were indoors
94: Had job?
not yet wheezes
95: Left the house without my wallet?
ye
96: Bullied someone on the internet?
i dont think so i mgiht have when i was younger
97: Had sex in public?
n o
98: Played on a sports team?
ye!
99: Smoked weed?
ye.
100: Did drugs?
only weedles
101: Smoked cigarettes?
nop
102: Drank alcohol?
yes and i hated it
103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?
nop
104: Been overweight?
ye
105: Been underweight?
nop
106: Been to a wedding?
nop
107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?
every day p much
108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?
nop
109: Been outside my home country?
ye!
110: Gotten my heart broken?
;;;; yeah
111: Been to a professional sports game?
ye
112: Broken a bone?
possibly?
113: Cut myself?
if this is on accident then ya
114: Been to prom?
prom is a waste of time ngl just go to arbys
115: Been in airplane?
yeye
116: Fly by helicopter?
n o
117: What concerts have I been to?
blueman group and the 4th of july ones that play around here
118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?
yeeee
119: Learned another language?
bits and pieces
120: Wore make up?
yeah
121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?
nop
122: Had oral sex?
lets just skip the sex questions
123: Dyed my hair?
yeee
124: Voted in a presidential election?
ee
125: Rode in an ambulance?
nop
126: Had a surgery?
nop
127: Met someone famous?
yeye
128: Stalked someone on a social network?
god no
129: Peed outside?
this question is weird
130: Been fishing?
hell the fuck yeah
131: Helped with charity?
prrrrobaby?
132: Been rejected by a crush?
yeah ;u;
133: Broken a mirror?
i dont think so
134: What do I want for birthday?
money
135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?
NO
136: Was I named after anyone?
i was named after two people uwu
137: Do I like my handwriting?
i can barely read it lmao i hate it
138: What was my favourite toy as a child?
my stuffed tigger uwu
139: Favourite Tv Show?
fuck i dunno probably cyberchase or fetch i dont watch tv anymore lmao
140: Where do I want to live when older?
somewhere quiet but convenient
141: Play any musical instrument?
flute and violin
142: One of my scars, how did I get it?
i have a scar on my knuckle from making garlic bread ;u; wasnt even good
143: Favourite pizza toping?
banana peppers
144: Am I afraid of the dark?
nah
145: Am I afraid of heights?
mmmm at times
146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?
yeah >w>;;;
147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?
all the mc fuckin time
148: What I’m really bad at
telling people when im not up for something
149: What my greatest achievments are
being alive you fuckers cant beat me i won over hundreds of other fuckers and im here
150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me
Lets Not, Kids
151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery
buy so much cosplay shit and helping friends get what they need
152: What do I like about myself
im getting better uwu
153: My closest Tumblr friend
passivetrolls or blitztrolls wheezes
154: Something I fantasize about
being able to help my friends out of the places they are right now QuQ
155: Any question you’d like?
more questions for amble and my other girls!
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i wanna talk about something thats been on my mind and has been affecting me pretty heavily lately. im only okay with talking about this because not many irl’s follow me and i think im okay with the ones that do knowing about it, and tumblr has been my venting place for many years. and shit, this is gonna be so long that i’d be surprised if anyone actually read the whole thing, and i’ll most likely delete this. but here we go
so i guess i’ll start with the fact that i’ve always made the majority of my friends - and my closest friends - through the internet. so i follow, add and communicate with people i dont personally know because that’s how ive met almost all of my closest friends.
i met someone through facebook that is an alumnus of the organization i was/am in. this happened when i was 18, had just ended my first relationship of 5 years, and in all honesty, desperately needed someone to lean on. i believe he reached out to me first. he was 5 years older than me, and i’ve honestly always been intimidated by age differences, in the form of submission, if that makes any sense. we talked almost everyday, not about anything significant but i’ve always been someone who falls really hard, really fast, even(/especially) without reciprocation. i’m also horrendous at reading people when it comes to intimacy/affection. and even though this guy was 5 years older than me, had also previously been in a long term relationship (which is usually a clear indicator that they’re most likely not looking for another relationship any time soon) and never actually showed any sign of interest past friendship in me, i was fucking swoon.
we eventually ended up going to see a movie, and even though he clearly said when he asked me, “not like a date or anything”, i still saw it that way, because yes, that’s how i was at the age of 18. i never got to experience dates or first times other than the ones i experienced with my ex so i was horrible at them, and he could tell. i think he could tell a lot about how naive and inexperienced i was in a lot of things and took advantage of it.
shortly after that, he asked if i wanted to “hang out” one night. an important thing to note here is that he worked in a place that had him working graveyard shifts, so there’s only two times i’ve seen him that weren't at night. another important thing to note is that as obvious as it may seem to any other person, because i’d only been with my ex at this point, i didn’t know that there’s normally only one reason that someone wants to “hang out” so late. but in my defense, he told me that maybe we could “go to the beach or something.” i also didn’t have a car yet at this time so he picked me up. when i got in his car and he started driving, he asked what i wanted to do and i said i was okay with whatever he wanted to do. so he said we could hang out at his place. i don’t think i need to further explain what happened, but it wasn’t non-consensual. i didn’t know exactly how to handle what was happening but i didn’t say no.
i think this happened a few more times, one of which he was clear with why he wanted me over and i agreed. i was under the impression that we were in some sort of “relationship”, because i didn’t know at this point that sex and feelings could be mutually exclusive. but eventually he would stop talking to me days at a time until i realized he had no feelings invested in me. i eventually let it go but continued to look up to him sort of as a friend, but mostly as someone to go to when i needed guidance or advice because i was never able to disconnect from the thought of being submissive to him. a slightly insignificant part of that is that i am normally very adamant about paying for and in general taking care of myself in any situation but when he’d refuse to let me pay for anything i went along with it because of the way i saw him. he’d kinda painted himself as someone who would take care of me, in a sense. or maybe that was just part of how i perceived things. but anyways;
anytime we would actually hang out after this, things always took a turn in ways i wasn’t comfortable with. he would grab me by the neck and claim it to be “playful”, put his hands through my hair and pull it as he put his face uncomfortably close to mine, hold me down, etc. even though i was uncomfortable, i still at that point was unable to see what was wrong with that because of the way i had grown to know our “relationship”.
there were times where, when we would hang out - outside of his house - we would hold hands and at that point i’d seen it as platonic, since i’d platonically held hands with a few friends other than him. once at a school/organization event we’d walked around holding hands and i didn’t think much of it. he brought me in and held me, and at that point i was beginning to grow uncomfortable because i was/am in a relationship. i pulled away but he did this a few more times.
later on in the night he’d walked me to my car but we were quite a distance away from his, so i gave him a ride back to his car. i got out to give him a hug before leaving but he kept me there for a while. he did his usual bit of pulling my hair and grabbing my neck, and smacked my ass a few times. i told him to stop multiple times but he didn’t take me seriously. eventually i was able to leave after hugging him and him holding me for an uncomfortably long amount of time. i later told my boyfriend and he didn’t have much of a response other than “okay” and “thanks for telling me”. i don’t think he knew how to handle the situation or if it needed handling. i don’t really hold that against him.
the last time i’d hung out with him was a typical instance of “let’s hang out tonight”. i should have said no. he picked me up, and we ended up at his house, which was the first time since we’d last slept together. the familiar routine of taking shoes off in the garage, walking up the stairs in the dark, and walking into his room already made me uncomfortable. but he knew i was in a relationship. i’d talked about my partner all the time with him. i didn’t think i had to worry about being pushed into anything.
i struggled to keep the conversation going so that there wasn’t time for awkward silence. no time for him to get too close. but still, he’d grab me by the throat. still pull my hair. got on top of me. i was uncomfortable. started grinding against me. i was extremely uncomfortable. trying to make it clear that i was uncomfortable and wanted him off of me, said “are you trying to rub your dick on me?” he got off. but he got back on top of me not too long after, joking about how he was “rubbing his dick on me”. i tried to move. he eventually got off. but he started touching me. there. i moved his hand. i said it was time to go home. he did it again. i moved his hand, again. told him to stop. he grabbed my arm and did it again. then reached over and turned off the light. i told him to stop. he got on top of me. i said no. i said i didn’t want to have sex. he said he just wanted to make me cum.
it didn’t go as far as sex. but it was still painful. i was sore and swollen for maybe two days after. after a few days i was able to talk about it with my boyfriend. i felt like it was my fault. i honestly still do. i shouldn’t have went. i shouldn’t have continued to trust him after how many times i felt uncomfortable. but i did. my boyfriend didn’t blame me. he asked me if i had any intention of pressing charges, or at the very least, telling my dad. hell no, i didn’t. that would ruin his fucking life. but why do i feel that way if it’s not supposed to be my fault?
this thanksgiving i’ll be in new york, marching in the macy’s thanksgiving day parade. i’d asked him before all this happened if he’d go on the trip, and eventually talked him into it. i thought after not talking to him for 3 months, he would have dropped out, but he didn’t. i considered dropping out of the trip. at this point, i’m no longer having fun. the only reason i’m still going is because my entire family knows i’ll be there, as well as all my parent’s friends they’ve told. to make it easier on myself i switched from playing first part to second, to avoid having to be next to him since i assumed that he’d be on first. our director put him on second. he now stands next to me at rehearsals.
i was told that i should inform the staff of what happened and get him removed from the trip, but i cant bring myself to do it. it’s embarrassing. i’d also be ruining his reputation with the organization. most likely asked why i didn’t report it. or even worse, be told that nothing can be done, which i’d expect to be the most likely outcome.
i have no intention of continuing a friendship with him, but i’m civil with him when i have to be. and it’s weird. i don’t like it but i feel like of all the things i should’ve done, i didn’t and put myself in this position, leaving me with no valid reason to complain.
i just needed to vent, because i haven’t said any of this from start to finish and reflecting on it i see how i was groomed but never had the common sense to know when to walk the fuck away. i honestly did this to myself.
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Saturday, June 19 2021
I dont know how I feel about the day yet cos right now its only 10:13. I dont post these exactly on the days I write them, but I write them on these exact days nonetheless.
My throat still hurts, my ass hurts, oUch,.... I'm sure you know why. Like, when you suck dick, it takes throat strength to make sure you don't fucking vomit everywhere and like. I OBVIOUSLY dont have that strength since I had to wash vomit outta my hair this morning
Hes so hot tho oh. My god.
Whatever. New day. So we talk about new things.
Star seems kinda sad but I dont really know why? She said on her story that people dont really go outta their way to talk to her... idk. I shot a good morning dm and now I'm here. I made my bed. Packed up my shit. Every time we pack things up my parents rage cos they always find shit they dont want to see: monster cans, evidence of my self harm, etc.
We have 1 more week then school is OVER and I move outta this house cos of the divorce. Jay will be gone too... I still have his insta, but I might ask for his number... just in case. I always get weirdly attached to people I fuck even if there was never any romantic part of the relationship. We are just friends.
Apparently we are going to the pick n pack today with my friend let's call her Zara. It's notfar off from her real name but whatever. Basically pick n pack is where you go to a vegetable garden and pick vegetables
I have a test soon but idk if I'll study for it. I NEVER really put work into studying or pay attention in class and I'm holding an 82 average. I got a 39 once, so once I retake that quiz I might be in the 90s. Sorry Mr. Renal, I simply can't bring myself to care about your class 😢
I LOVE my art class tho. It's just doing ART!!!! ART TIME!!!! Art is the best and I would post some of mine but my irls would proabably find me then. Like my name isnt ACTUALLY Jude Shepard. I'm just using it as a penname and also cos that's what they called me in my dream. But other than that everything I tell y'all is real. I'm making buttered toast rn.
3:38 p.m. sat june 19th
I've decided to include a song recommendation with every entry. Today's recommendation: A Match Into Water by Pierce The Veil
Okay so it turns out we didnt go to pick n pack with Zara. Instead we went to downtown... White Ave. It was sunny n we walked a bit, got lemonades and a bit of candy, went into stores, idk. BUT. The notable part of this is that next to the farmers market there were all the usual activist groups: falun gong, vegan, whatever... but one of them looked like it was a LEFTIST GROUP, possible marxist.
I wanted to talk to them so badly and wanted to see how I could help the cause. See, I'm a communist. AND IM NOT HERE TO DEBATE THAT. I'm here to talk about my days. Anwyays I wanted to talk to them sO BADLY. but my parents wouldn't leave me alone. And like. I hate political discussion with them. They just upset me and they get mad and I CANT AFFORD TO MAKE THEM MAD. I play everything that goes on with me on the Down Low, I dont talk about anything about myself because if I do, I get less freedom in my life. They have control in my life, so I have to appease them. Because of this, I unfortunately did not get to talk to the communists :(
Hopefully they're still there next time... I'm kinda mad >:(
Also Star replied to my good morning text... I told her to have fun shopping since that's what she told me she was gonna do... she just said "thanks" and I was concerned because THATS NOT HOW SHE TYPES? I feel like shes sad over something but i dont know what.
The day me and Jacob did stuff, I was supposed to walk her to her bus stop like I always do. But I didnt (duh) I took Jacob home.
But IT WAS ONE! DAY. And I told her my dad called me over so.... I apologized too and she seemed mad at herself, but in the way that's intended to make you feel bad.
I dont understand her sometimes. I LOVE HER. DON'T GET ME WRONG. I love her so so much shes such a great supportive funny attractive girl! But soemtimes she gets upset and I can never tell why: is it the depression? Is it me? Is it soemthing else entirely? And she'll never tell me.
Whatever, I'll ask her how she is tonight and maybe we can Talk :/
I might never tell her about Jay... :P I might never tell ANYONE about Jay. It's our little secret I guess >:))))))
Man see? I'm no saint. I guess that's what'll make this blog worth reading. I'm a bit conflicted about the whole thing cos I KNOW this is morally not right but. I'm doing it anyways. What can I say? I'm used to lying and hiding things for my benefit. I had to do it to survive and now? Now I do it for funsies.
I'm gonna pack some more stuff, TTYL ♡
UPDATE: we had to go look at houses for the move (since my parents r divorcing) and I didnt get to pack much of anything yet
I'm definently over my cal limit today...
Cold sweet or carbonated drinks help with my throat pain so I'm downing them like they're NOTHING and since we have no zero cal cold drinks I'm DEAD... and no, water does NOTHING.
Jeez, its raining out.
And FUCK JAY cos hes still on my mind.
Its 4:11 p.m. now.
Its now 7:56 p.m.
I kinda feel like an edgy main character in an edgy movie rolling up to the park and sitting #alone in the Treez like the emo band music video protagonist I am.
Sometimes its exhausting to talk to people I care about in a serious way or that I talk to in a more sincere manner like Star and Jay and others. Even if they're just friends. If our interactions are serious and not really casual and usually play out like long deep conversation, I feel like to respond to or even read their messages, I need to have like an hour allotted to conversation. Soemtimes I see the messages early and have to pretend I didnt see em cos I dont have internet to respond or time to respond its. Funny. Idk.
Anwyays I'm binging chocolate in a park alone and like. Rotting my fucking teeth OH WELL 🤷🏻♂️ whatcha gonna do.
Its 8 now so I should head home. I just biked to the s4ve 0ns to get my dad white choclate but. If I'm going to s4ve 0ns... YOU BET YOUR ASS IM GONNA STE4L SHIT. THAT PLACE IS EASY AS FUCKKK.
Also I'm kinda addicted to sh0pl1fting. The THRILL I get from it is so insane. It's fun! And you get free stuff! I know If i get caught I'm risking a lot. I'm aware. But I dont really care. Every step I take nowadays is risk taking. So why not take more?
I dont care about nonsense therapy. Fuck that.... actually I'll explain why i dont go to therapy for my shit:
1. I cant
2. I don't trust it
Anwyays yeah.
My throat still hurts. Idk, I just like to be in the sun and shit ALONE.
ALONE! It's so funny to me how now I like my time alone but as a kid I'd proabably kill for some positive attention. Well... it's more complex than that, but I wont go into it tonight.
Pls watch me die of diabetes soon from eating all this fucking chocolate.
My parents said to stop drinking monster and I wANT THEM TO TRUST ME so i can go out with my friends... but also I shoulda got monster outta spite. Heart palpitations my ASS.
Tonight I'll be talking to Jay AND Star. At the same time. Which is awkward... Which is MY OWN MESS TO CLEAN UP. I actually accept full responsibility. But also its awkward.
Whatever. I'll sort it out.
My parents arent being as complicated as usual. I guess they're tryna reverse all those years of... emotional neglect i guess? Something.
Something. Which isnt nothing.
But also I think they're guilty over the divorce. Like. Today my dad was like "do u ever feel sad? Blah blah blah... how do u feel rn" and I was like smiling tryna play off his question like it was absurd and I said "uhm idk... *fake laugh* normal?"
THE TRUTH WAS THAT I WAS A BIT CONFUDDLED ABOUT WHAT I WAS GONNA DO REGARDING. LITERALLY CHEATING. ON MY GF. WITH SOME DUDE IN MY ART CLASS. JUST FOR SEX.
But then he was like "this isnt normal." And he looked all sad. But on my way to the park here, I thought about it a bit more. And actually... it IS normal. The divorce rate is smthn like 60 percent in the states and 40 percent in canada... which is where I live.
Yknow... if my irls find this,,, all I have to say is sorry. Be as mean as you want.
I've already accepted my fate as a degenerate scumbag anyways lol.
Actually... how DO I feel? Hmm... laying in this field.
Urgency.
I have a lot of stuff to do.
Physical pain, but that's not. A FEELING.
I guess anticipation to TALK TO PEOPLE.
Regret from my binge... I better get home.
You know what's so funny to me? I cant purge on my own... but dick makes me vomit. Like the one time I DONT want to throw up, I do. Damn okay.
Well its 8:18 so I'm going home maybe. Soon. For now, I think I'll stay a little longer.
Yknow one thing I didn't expect to be sore was my arms... which I used to prop myself up to... yknow, suck Jay...
I still remember he said: "you're trembling." And I was like FUCK because I thought the trembling was HIM... •_• it's okay though I'll learn to do better.
Idk tho... I feel comfortable with him. Even as nervous as I am and embarrassed to be. Naked. In front of soemone else. And such. He makes me feel comfortable. Look, I did my best, DUH of cOURSE I did my best, I'm the type who will work hard at stuff even if they're getting hurt. I didnt mind honeslty. My goal in that part was just to make him feel good. Equal exchange, yknow? He did the same thing to me.
But like, he can tell when I gag and he tells me not to hurt myself and of course I keep going, I'm not about to SToP. But. I dont kNOW. Him talking to me like that makes me feel a lot safer doing stuff like that you know?
I like when he starts kissing me and touching me like he cant contain himself its almost animalistic and VERY FUCKING HOT
I feel like I talk about him too much but you gotta realize that was my FIRST time
1. Sucking dick
2. having MY junk sucked
3. Having anything put. Inside me. (It was just his finger but stILL)
So yeaH. Of course I'm gonna talk about it. A lot.
He said I was adorable. He said he likes how, when he leans over me, I take in a breath... how he could make me flinch.
THATS HOT ISNT IT.
I feel like I'm getting lost in his charm when I shoULD be tryna fix shit with my girlfriend. She seems sad and I'm worried.
But there isnt much more to say until I DM her tonight...
I really fucked up, didn't I? I totally fucked up and now my brain is all confused. But I have to remember that Jay is only about sex. He would be nice to cuddle, since hes fucking HUGE and I'm kinda on the short side, but he doesnt talk to me out of love. He does it out of lust. And yeah... I really only want sex from him too. But like. Star and I are COMMITTED. We got our feelings wrapped up together. Emotionally and romantically.
So. I should proabably like... stop fucking with Jay. Tell Star what I did. And hope she forgives me. That's the morally correct thing to do.
But like... do I EVER make the morally correct decision? No. Not really. I'm a piece of shit. Whatever. Its highschool anwyays we arent mating for life. IM NOT SAYING WHAT I DID WASNT BAD. IT WAS. VERY BAD.
but I'm gonna keep making bad decisions.
I DO FEEL BAD.... but look. If we're being logical about this and tryna maximize my benefit here,, I should keep Star as my girlfriend and TREAT HER WELL... but with Jay as a fuckbuddy on the side. Hes leaving the school soon anwyays so then we'll hang out less...
That's my plan, anyways.
I KNOW I'm a bad person. I'm aware. But it's just a fact of life.
I'm cheating with my cards here in so many places: stealing, lying, cheating, disobeying my parents, not paying attention in class.. IM KIND OF AN ASSHOLE KID. Idk. It's kinda whatever to me. I'm fucking harry Houdini, okay? I can get out of anyhting. This isnt me being cocky... I have historically gotten out of MANY tight situations, even some that risked my life, and I'm still here. I think I'm a walking lucky charm or SOEMTHING
Welp, we know if gods real I'm going to hell.
I dont really care. Idk. I guess I'm just at that risk taking phase in.my life. That doesnt justify anything... but it explains it. And it's possible to explain without justifying.
Man,,, I guarantee whoever reads this blog is gonna hate my guts.
Whatever. It's my fucking journal/diary lol.
I can sorta say whatever I'd like.
It's funny because I always thought I was trustworthy and had no commitment issues BUT HEY I GUESS NOT.
I keep telling myself, cut him off, YOU AVE A GIRLFRIEND, FESS UP AND APOLOGIZE... but then I picture his STUPID smirking face and I CANT.
Maybe I am in love double.
Doesnt matter if I am... i still did a bad thing.
DAMN.
Well... I'm headed back home now. 8:41. I'm gonna pack my shit, change, watch youtube,,,, I guess I should check my google classroom and like. do my fucking homework... cos I haven't done it yet.
Then I'll update yall.
11:51 p.m.
Hey guys I'm back with an update.
I talked with both of then... star doesnt seem interested in having an actual conversation,,, shes just talking about random bs. Which is fine but I dont rly get what shes saying half the time COS SHES NOT BLUNT ENOUGH. and then the other half shes going on about how much she hates life. Like.
I do love her. We've bonded. I AM concerned about her. But sometimes I feel like she doesn't really try. Like I can talk her down from suicide all I want but everything I say is wrong and cliched and based off my own experience with suicidal thoughts and like... my mentality has always been sorta toxicly masculine. Push through, and push through alone. I CANT ALWAYS HELP! And it makes me feel shitty. Idk. She'll be okay, I know so cos of her story posts and drawings.
I feel bad but I know I can't help much. We talked a little. Idk, we didnt get anywhere. I love her but shes acting in a way that tells me soemthing is wrong but I CANT FIX THAT THING. SO. yeah, theres not much to say. I wish I could take away all her pain but I can't.
I talked to Jay as well... I DONT KNOW WHATS HAPPENING BECAUSE I LIKE HIM SO SO MUCH. SO MUCH. HES LITERALLY PERFECT. sexy, kind and super considerate, he always makes sure I'm comfortable... I dont KNOW,,, hes sweet.
Hes not romantically interested in me. Which is a bit sad. Sometimes I want to tell him "I love you!!!" But then I remember that we are, in his words, friends with benefits. Fuck buddies. Two horny teenage boys who just wanna fuck... and be friends. That's all. That's us. We aren't romantically involved nor will we ever be. I hate how my brain gets so attached to anyone I fuck... especially since I kinda see Jay as an "older brother" figure, which makes no sense until you actually meet him and vibe with him... and like,,, I've always wanted that?
Tommorow I'm gonna ask for him to come over to watch a movie... but idk if I should actually ask because my parents kinda hate me now for fucking up so much. I'll do my homework and clean my room first... which will take up all my time proabably :( it's okay. Maybe some other time :(
I dont want him to lose interest in me though.
.... its 1:56 a.m.
Okay. Okay. I'll say it. I love him.
Goodnight, tumblr.
-Jude
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Alright, lovely, your post about your so called best friends... I know what you mean, I once had toxic friends, too (I know you didn't call them toxic, but anyway). The best thing you can do is cut them off. Show them you don't need them and their judging. You're a strong, beautiful human being, you don't deserve to be treated that way. We love you, and sometimes internet friends are better than irl friends, trust me, some day this'll be nothing but a memory and you'll be glad you cut them off
Im an inch away from calling them toxic but....oh well...Okay a bit of a storytime..
the thing is that these two friends are like...barely here anymore when i would need them or anythingOne has a boyfriend and isn’t really having a healthy relationship with the guy bc it feels like he tries to keep her away from me and my other friend, but it’s like when we try to meet up or do smth together, it’s never good for them, but once they have time and it’s not good for us, they get mad...wonderful situation.Also i noticed that her boyfriend seems to only dislike me and whenever we go out and im god forbid not in the mood to drink or anything like....he starts picking at me, and im at that point when this fucking bothers me...
And then there’s my other friend whom im supposedly closer with...She has borderline as well, but she’s like seriously the opposite of me, she’s careless and does dumb things when drunk and idk i could go on for a long time....The thing is with her, and mostly im mad at her rn, because she keeps forgetting things, we make plans she doesn’t end up coming bc she forgot, or any other excuse and when we try to call her or anything, we cant, we can barely ever reach her, she doesnt pick up the phone or has it on mute so on...and like i let her do this to me so many times its insane.Im an understanding person and if any of them has problems i understand or if smth comes up for them, i understand my friend’s disorder, more than anyone around us probably but...she cant do this, she cant always blame everything on her mental illness...and it gets tiring.The thing what made me snap today is that we got a summer job and we were supposed to go to this place next weekend, and the employer would have decide if we could get the job...So i met her roommate while i was coming back from shopping and she told me that the guy called my friend, that we are not going this week yet, bc the renovations are still not finished there. I was thinking like, was she going to tell me at the last minute, or not at all? Because it’s not like going to the cinema or anything else, this is a serious damn thing and for her to like totally not giving a fuck or i don’t know what is she thinking...but it really hurts me, i’m not surprised tho but oh well...
I have friends whom are not necessarily best friends but i can stil count on them more than these two...and it tells a lot. I don’t know why i let this happen every single time...i don’t understand myself at all thats the sad thing.
With internet friends i honestly feel like this is the truth :( it’s the distance what’s so bad about it, but internet friends are sometimes so much better than real ones.
And seriously thank you for your words anon Ilysm
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