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mediaevalmusereads · 1 year

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My Dark Vanessa. By Kate Elizabeth Russell. William Morrow, 2020.

Rating: 4.5/5 stars

Genre: new adult fiction

Part of a Series? No

Summary: 2000. Bright, ambitious, and yearning for adulthood, fifteen-year-old Vanessa Wye becomes entangled in an affair with Jacob Strane, her magnetic and guileful forty-two-year-old English teacher.

2017. Amid the rising wave of allegations against powerful men, a reckoning is coming due. Strane has been accused of sexual abuse by a former student, who reaches out to Vanessa, and now Vanessa suddenly finds herself facing an impossible choice: remain silent, firm in the belief that her teenage self willingly engaged in this relationship, or redefine herself and the events of her past. But how can Vanessa reject her first love, the man who fundamentally transformed her and has been a persistent presence in her life? Is it possible that the man she loved as a teenager—and who professed to worship only her—may be far different from what she has always believed?

Alternating between Vanessa’s present and her past, My Dark Vanessa juxtaposes memory and trauma with the breathless excitement of a teenage girl discovering the power her own body can wield. Thought-provoking and impossible to put down, this is a masterful portrayal of troubled adolescence and its repercussions that raises vital questions about agency, consent, complicity, and victimhood. Written with the haunting intimacy of The Girls and the creeping intensity of Room, My Dark Vanessa is an era-defining novel that brilliantly captures and reflects the shifting cultural mores transforming our relationships and society itself.

***Full review below.***

Content Warnings: explicit sexual content, inappropriate relationship with a minor, statutory rape

Overview: I decided to pick this book up because of the hype and I was curious. While I myself am not a victim of sexual assault or anything remotely close to what this book is about, I was still interested in seeing how Russell explored victimhood through fiction. To my surprise, I found this book engaging and hard to put down. It's not because this book is overly shocking or romantic in any way - it's very disturbing, and will break you heart many times over. Rather, I found the way Russell constructed the idea of victimhood to be incredibly nuanced, and showing us the psychological effects a perpetrator can have on a young girl made me question things I thought I knew about abuse. So, for all those reasons, this book earns 4.5 stars from me.

Writing: I found Russell's prose to be fairly easy to read and accessible, and though it effectively described the psychology of our protagonist, it wasn't very capital-L literary. It's a kind of style I associate more with new adult fiction, though I'm not sure if that label is appropriate here. Even so, the choice in style is effective in part because this story is told from the first person perspective of Vanessa Wye - the teenager who is assaulted by her teacher. If this book had been any more literary, I don't think it would have felt quite as immediate or real, so I have to give Russell credit for making her form match function, so to speak.

I also liked that this book was split into two timelines: past (2000) and present (2017). Both are narrated by Vanessa, and I liked that the two were somewhat in conversation, showing the ongoing effects of trauma. It made for a messier narrative - things don't "wrap up" for Vanessa, and her story doesn't necessarily "end" when her abuse ends. It felt very true to life while also being a clever way of breaking up the timelines to make things feel a little less linear.

Also, just a small note: I really appreciated that Russell made the sex scenes as unsexy and subtly disturbing as possible. It's difficult to portray sex as both repulsive and addictive to a character, but I think Russell succeeded in showing us just how much Vanessa felt like she needed it while also refraining from making sex feel erotic and titillating for the reader. In my opinion, this hammered home the idea that the sex wasn't consensual and that eroticism wasn't the point.

Lastly, I really liked the intertextuality with Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita. Vanessa obsessively reads Lolita and often quotes it, but not because she identifies with Dolores in any way. Rather, she connects with the book in part because it wad given to her by her teacher; she obsesses over it, tries to find herself and Strane in it, but misses the point of the novel entirely, much like a lot of people do in real life. Personally, I really liked it; it showed that Russell's use of the book went further than "Dolores and Vanessa are the same" and made me as a reader think more about the way stories of abuse are told.

Plot: The plot of this book follows Vanessa Wye at two points in her life: in the 2000 timeline, when she is 15 years old, she engages in a sexual relationship with her 42 year old English teacher, Mr. Strane. In 2017, when she is 32, she tries to navigate her emotions after multiple girls come forward accusing her teacher of abuse.

The 2000 timeline was very disturbing, to put it mildly. The interactions between Vanessa and her teacher, Mr. Strane, are sure to make any reader uncomfortable, and the way Vanessa excuses his behavior breaks your heart. Personally, I found it to be a good example of how abuse can actually work; it's not just that Strane takes advantage of Vanessa sexually, it's also that abusers can get into the minds of their victims and make them believe they are responsible, in a way. So while there is the physical component, which is unsettling in itself, there's also emotional manipulation, gaslighting, etc. and other subtle ways that Strane digs his claws into Vanessa's psyche, and i found those moments to be the most terrifying, in part because Vanessa at 15 can't identify how they are wrong.

The 2017 timeline was likewise very thought-provoking. In it, we learn that Vanessa is still in contact with Strane and is still loyal to him, refusing to call herself a victim. What I liked about this timeline was the nuanced way it portrayed psychology; while Strane's other accusers go around making public statements about abuse, Vanessa can't even call what she experienced "abuse" because of how attached she is. It really made me think about how we portray victimhood and what we assume the attitudes of victims will be.

Characters: Vanessa, our protagonist and narrator, is easy to sympathize with. She's fairly lonely and isolated in addition to feeling overwhelemed by school, and while this makes her fairly relatable to any given reader (who hasn't felt these things at some time or another?), it also makes her a target. Being so distant from her peers and her parents means that she is suceptible to the attention and praise that Strane gives her, and personally, I felt that Russell did a brilliant job in her portrayal. I also liked that Vanessa didn't necessarily come from a neglectful household (though one could argue that there was neglect, in a way), thereby avoiding the idea that only "certain kids" get abused.

Strane, the teacher who takes advantage of her, is eerie in how well he manipulates not just Vanessa but everyone around him. As an adult, it's quite easy to see all the red flags: we see him give Vanessa inappropriate compliments, we see him gaslight her, we see him demand things of her, etc. But because the story is told from Vanessa's perspective, we also are privy to how Vanessa sees him - as someone who treats her like an "adult," who shows interest in her interests, etc. In my opinion, this makes the portrait of a predator more complex and shows us that we can't just assume all abuse is easy to identify. Strane isn't some cartoon villain who just treats Vanessa badly; he also makes her feel good, which makes him incredibly dangerous.

Supporting characters are likewise fairly compelling and nuanced. Vanessa's parents are fairly distant, but her relationship with each of them feels different. Her dad seems to want to avoid talking about things and rocking the boat, while her mom is more combative, putting a strain on the way they communicate. Vanessa's ex-best friend, Jenny, is also an interesting character in that she seems to be trying to do the right thing, but her efforts are not appreciated. Other characters serve their purpose and lend texture to the setting, but I never felt that any of them were wasted.

TL;DR: My Dark Vanessa is a harrowing look at the complex psychology of an abuse victim. While some readers might be put off by how graphic and disturbing this book can be, Russell demonstrates incredible skill through her ability to depict nuance, inviting readers to reflect on issues for themselves rather than feeding them the answers.

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ozzdog12 · 3 years

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2020 Top 7 (and 1)

2020 am I right? We saw an insane amount of games come out and 2 brand new consoles. What a wild and weird year for gaming, and life in general. In case you are relatively new here, and to be honest that would be completely fair considering I don't post very often on Tumblr anymore, every year going on the last 4 years (on here) I have done a Top 7 (& 1) for my favorite videogames of the year. Check out 2019, 2018, & 2017. What’s wild, as I look back on my list of games that I’ve completed and played, only maybe 10 came out this year. 2020 was a huge backlog year.

Lets get on with the ‘And 1!”

Favorite Game that Didn’t Come out in 2020: Control (PS4)

Control may very well have been my 2019 Game of the Year, had I played it in 2019. I LOVED Control. I wanted to play it in 2019, but initial reports that it was a little rough on base consoles put me off until it was fixed. And Holy smokes what an insanely fun and trippy game once I finally started it. I knew within the first 20 minutes this was going to be the shit when I went down a hall, walked into a room and talked to the “janitor” left out a door behind him and the entire building had shifted. I’ve always liked Remedy games, but from a distance. Max Payne 1&2 and Alan Wake all oozed with weirdness and intrigue, but never enough for me to finish them. I missed out on Quantum Break. The story is Control is just the right amount of mind f*!$ for me and builds a universe I didn’t know I needed. It take some time to piece everything together, then everything just clicks. The game does have a weird difficulty spike when fighting bosses and the checkpoints were too far apart at times, but those were later patched. I spent an insane amount of time within the Federal Bureau of Control building and even more time after that with the Foundation and AWE DLC and it STILL wasn’t enough. I wanted more. Outside of Prey, I can’t think of another game that stuck in my brain more after I’d finished it. Control is absolutely a MUST PLAY title. In a world where everything sort’ve feels similar, Control stands out of the crowd.

Number 7: Astro’s Playroom (PS5)

I never thought in my wildest dreams that a game I had almost zero interest in playing would end up on my list of favorite games this year. Astro’s Playroom is being labeled as a ‘Tech demo’ but that feels like an insult to what it is. It’s a full fledged game and its free! I’ve paid more for less. A charming little platformer that lives and breathes the history of the Playstation. So many cool Easter eggs and references. It certainly centers its gameplay around the DualSense controller and everything it can do, but at its core, its a completely approachable and forgiving 3D platformer. I played it just to see what it was about, next thing i knew I had completed all the levels and wanted to further explore all the nooks and crannies within the game. I wanted to see everything the game had to offer and I had an absolute blast doing so. Makes me kinda wish I’d played the previous game on PSVR (I’d have to have a PSVR too)

Number 6: Spider-Man: Miles Morales (PS5)

Another quality title, albeit a spin-off, from Insomniac to add to their Spider Man universe. Gameplay felt obviously like Spider-Man, but Miles has unique abilities that made the game feel different enough, especially the cloak and stealth. I enjoyed the fact that it was short and concise. The issue with most ‘open-world’ games is that they are entirely too bloated with unnecessary filler content (I’ll get to that in a later game), something I felt the first game suffered from, but I also understand why they are there. However I could’ve use one or two more story missions to help flesh out some characters, but it wasn’t required and didn’t change my opinion one way or the other. My one BIG gripe was with Miles himself. He is an extremely smart young kid, but so incredibly naïve. Peter Parker tells him the one thing he SHOULD NOT do is tell people he is Spider-Man. I get it, that’s part of his growth, but Miles thinks he can just solve his problems by revealing his identity and it almost certainly never works out.

Number 5: The Last of Us: Part 2 (PS4)

The Last of Us Part 2 may be the most polarizing game in the history of the medium, but for the absolute wrong reasons. I’m in the minority that I very much enjoyed my experience with TLOU2, quite a bit actually. Its better in every single way over its predecessor, except the overall story. There are plenty of fair criticisms to be had about the story and various things within the game itself, but I thought the gameplay was so tight and crunchy. There were genuine moments of suspense and terror that I felt that no other game has ever given me. The entire hospital section (2nd time) was so susensful, I had to put my controller down to gther myself. Some of my favorite moments in the series I experienced with a character I wasn’t overly fond of. How many games can do that? The Last of Us Part 2 was meant to invoke emotion, not necessarily joy. I think that's what people lost along the way. Say what you will about the direction Naughty Dog has taken over the years, but you would be hard pressed to find a studio that makes games graphically better than they do. Yes, I know about their crunch culture, but this is not a place for that. I will say, the game was a tad bit too long, which is not something it typically say for a single player, narrative driven game. The pacing and the way the story was told wasn’t my favorite, but I respect what it was trying to do, even if it failed in some aspect of that, I finished the game within the week it was released. Something I RARELY ever do. I’m a father and I related with Joel a lot in TLOU, but I also recognized how wrong he was. There is a lesson to be learned. Your actions always have consequences and while he was doing what he thought was the right thing, it wasn’t his choice to make, and in doing so set up a series of events that were entirely avoidable, but again, that’s the point isn’t it?

Number 4: Grindstone (Switch)

I’m counting this as a 2020 game since it just came to the Switch this year ( less than a month ago) but its not the first time I’ve played it. Grindstone was the only reason I kept my Apple Arcade subscription and when I let it lapse, there was a void I just couldn’t fill. I bought Puzzle Quest on Switch but it just wasn't the same. Its THE perfect game for bite sized play, even though in its addictive nature, you’ll clear a few levels and an hour has passed before you know it. It has the perfect amount of depth that most ‘match’ games don't. You have different weapons, items, and outfits w/perks to use and experiment with to keep it fresh. I went months without playing my Switch and when this was announced in August, I couldn’t wait! Sadly, I had to wait 3 months, but since then I have spent so much time on the Switch. It gave me a reason to play it again. The art style and humour is great. The variety of enemies and challenge is just right. I can’t recommend it enough. Seriously, check this game out!

Number 3: Doom Eternal (Xbox One)

I will be the first to tell you, I did not like Doom (2016). I found it extremely boring and trite. I understood what Doom(2016) was doing and it succeeded, maybe too much. Nostalgia is a helluva thing. So in saying that, I was mildly interested in Doom Eternal. Doom Eternal is nothing like 2016 outside of it being a Doom game that connects to the rest of them (& also being a sequel to 2016). The mechanics are drastically different with more platforming (for better or worse). Eternal is challenging, at times very hard, especially early on. Eternal has no respect for its players, in a weirdly good way. It laughs at how you’ve played FPS before this one and WILL MAKE you play it its way, not your way. Yes, you point and shoot, but ammo is scare and you MUST use everything in your arsenal. No more using just 2 guns for the whole game. The enemies are relentless. Sometimes you have to pause and take a breath after a battle because you go a 100 mph for the whole fight. You have to continuously move or you die. There is an enticing rhythm to it. I categorize Eternal as ‘Blood Ballet’. Its a game where when your feeling it, much like a rhythm game, you get in the zone and there is no stopping demons from getting slayed. Surprisingly, unlike most games in the genre, it seemed to get easier (sans one extremely frustrating platforming section late in the game) the longer you played it. Was that a testament that I ‘learned’ the Eternal way or it truly did get easier? I don’t know, but the final Boss(es) were....easy.. I had more problems and deaths within the first 4 hours than I did the final 8-9 hours. The multiplayer was also surprisingly fun. The older I get, the less interested I am in multiplayer, but I found myself coming back for more for a good month or so.

Number 2: Gears Tactics (Xbox One)

As 2020 comes to a close, I came to a stunning realization. I might be a bigger Gears of War fan than I had previously thought. Don’t get me wrong. I love Gears, but I seem to love Gears more than I thought. I'm way more invested into the lore than I recall. Anyways, Gears Tactics is everything XCOM 2 SHOULD’VE been. Not only does Gears Tactics utilize the Overwatch action, its makes it EXTREMELY important. The story revolves around the father of Kait Diaz, Gabe and a ragtag group of mostly random soldiers to take down Ukkon. Anyone who is remotely interested in the Gears universe will love the story and references. The gameplay is just so damn satisfying. The bosses are very challenging and different. I actually had to change my strategy to finish the final boss. I experimented with a totally different style of class and was rewarded for it. The post game stuff is also aplenty. This game scratched a VERY specific itch for me and I’m itchy to jump back in. I’m glad this came to Xbox One because I’m current computer could not run it.

Number 1: Ghost of Tsushima (PS4)

I have a very odd relationship with massive open world games. I love them, but I get very burnt out on them. They all have a relatively same-y formula and are often populated with bloat. GoT does have some of that but to its advantage, its not very populated, in a good way. One of the things that I really appreciated about GoT and its side quest is most of them felt meaningful. The thing that really stood out to me about GoT is the absolutely satisfying combat. It just feels SO GOOD. It requires timing and patience. There are different fighting styles for different enemies and even the armor you wear is more than just cosmetic. The combat is so fun and satisfying that I was immediately excited when they announced Legends, a multiplayer add on, for free. Its so much fun and is a blast to play with a group of friends. I’m sporadically still playing the Legends mode. I initially wanted to play the game in ‘Kurosawa’ mode but I am glad I didn’t because the game, even on the PS4 is stunning, and on the upgrade on PS5 is jaw-droppingly smooth. I did play the entire game in Japanese with English subtitles. I still don't know what Jin’s English voice sounds like. GoT does a good job a drip feeding you new abilities and things to keep things fresh. I love stealth and once I unlocked it, I spent the majority of every battle taking out as many enemies as I could while in stealth mode. Ghost of Tsushima does a lot of things very well, that the few things it doesn’t can be easily overlooked.

#videogames #control #grindstone #tlou #doom eternal #gears tactics #ghost of tsushima #ps4 #ps5 #xbox one #switch #nintendo switch #playstation4 #GOTY #spiderman #astro playroom

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sassystrawberryk · 3 years

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Sorry for the novel all, just feeling low and sorry for myself but I needed to get this out.

This afternoon, I found out a friend of mine is pregnant. Her and her husband have been married since August 2016.

When they got married her husband (who has two college aged kids) had had a vasectomy roughly 10 years prior. My friend however, wanted a baby so the vasectomy was reversed.

Then they found out she had very few eggs left after trying for nearly 2yrs post reversal. She’s 33 now. They went through IVF and now she’s just entered her second trimester.

I am happy for them and I know how badly she wants this.

I’m just feeling extremely jealousy and even some anger. In 2 months, I will be 43yrs old.

To date, I’ve never had a boyfriend, never even really gotten a second glance from any guys. I’ve tried online and dating apps and two ended up in ‘minor’ assaults. Suffice to say, the online route just isn’t for me.

One night stands also aren’t for me as the two I’ve experienced left me feeling incredibly empty and alone.

Some girls dream of their wedding. Me? I dreamt of being married, having one, maybe two kids. I’ve always wanted to find a guy who can truly be an equal partner. Yet it’s never happened for me.

Even in my workplace, there are no single men. I have thought of adoption but I barely have enough money to keep myself afloat. Plus, with my mental health history of depression, I highly doubt any judge would award me custody of any child.

I just feel like, it’s not going to ever happen for me. It hurts, very much. I’m angry because I want to know why? What did I do, or what is it about me that is so wrong or repulsive to the opposite sex?

Why am I not deserving of love? Why does my friend who knowingly married a man who had clearly made a choice that he was not going to have anymore children, get her dream?

Why do I have to be alone? I used to have hope. In my 20’s friends started getting married and I went to all their weddings. In my early 30’s they all started having babies and buying homes. I always said to myself, soon just be patient and soon it will be me, my turn.

I even had one friend to to set me up with her then boyfriend’s older brother. We met had coffee and he was great. Two days later my friend calls and says she’s now dating him and broke up with her boyfriend. Guess who was maid of honour at their wedding?

Thing is. After all these friends had their families and their houses, suddenly I no longer fit anywhere in their lives. Today, I am only in touch with one of those old friends. Even our communications are just a few messages a couple of times a year.

Some days I’m so angry I want to scream, other days I’m so jealous, I actually cry.

I know I’m not the only human being out there that feels this way. Even some family members have told me to just get used to it. Or find something to fill your time.

My reply; FUCK YOU!!!

I am an only child who grew up an only child but I was not the centre of attention. My mother was very ill and she came first. I saw the way my dad cared for her right until the day she died.

Maybe love like that doesn’t exist anymore. I don’t know but this knife of loneliness just cuts deeper every time.

In 2017 I was actively working out and was beginning to feel more comfortable with myself. Then I experienced a sever herniated disc that took almost 2 yrs to fully recover from. For 4 months, I could not walk or stand upright.

Then with the pandemic my plans to try taking a class of some sort to expand my social circle got squashed. I just don’t know what else to do.

My friends all met their significant others just doing their jobs or were introduced by friends. One couple were high school sweethearts. Essentially, their relationships happened organically just like my parents did.

So why does it seem impossible for me? 😓😡

#wallowing #angry #sad #alone #loveless

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dekuinthelake · 4 years

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Why I’m okay with people knowing I’m transgender

Firstly, I want to start off by saying that if you’re trans and for your own comfort and safety you don’t want to be “outed” that’s 100% understandable and you should not feel bad about that. We all need to move at our own pace when discovering our social limits and confidence. My journey will have not been the same as yours. I live in Colorado, a state that is fairly trans friendly and am a trans man, meaning I’ve most likely had a safer time than I might have elsewhere. Trans women have it especially difficult, and if you feel unsafe in a situation that’s up for you to gage. It doesn’t make you less valid or a coward or anything like that.

Just know that I’m writing this for you and other trans/nb folks. I want our choices to transition to feel like the right one, even when people who don’t understand are making you second guess.

Context:

From the time I was 16-23, I was immensely depressed. I dropped out of highschool because of an immense disillusionment for the future. Primarily, I believed I didn’t have one. I’d always been bad at school, so collage was out of the question. I thought I was too ugly to get married and so that traditional Mormon thing my mother specifically had impressed upon me, which was having kids obviously. Most people disliked me because at the time, I had an extremely aggressive and compulsive attitude thanks to being absolutely lost emotionally. I hated my body and my mind and was convinced the things I despised could never change.

Ironically, one of the thorns in my side was how I always wanted to be a man instead. I recall coming home from school some days and just curling up in bed and sobbing about it.

“If I was a boy, people wouldn’t make fun of my ugly ass body.” Something I felt primarily about my chest. Once I strangled a kid for pointing out my bra strap through a white shirt. No joke. I was volatile and pissed all the time because of dysphoria. Comments about being feminine quite literally triggered me growing up. Every violent fight I remember growing up was caused by someone making fun of me in relation to female gender.

Despite this problem being so obvious, my religious parents took me to Mormon operated therapy. The suggestions I was given by councilors was typically “Have you tried praying about it?” Or “Are you going to Young Women’s every Sunday?” For those of you who don’t know, in the LDS church, they separate Sunday school for age groups based on gender. In particular, they forced all girls to wear dresses.

Having that identity forced on me every Sunday against my will from a very young age caused me to resist in aggressive attitude. Hit a kid in the face with my bible bag once for telling me I should be in the kitchen.

Another unfortunate side effect of the Mormon upbringing was literally not knowing that trans people even existed. I recall seeing trans people (like with waiter we had once) and being a little perplexed but not too bothered. But no one had ever explained the concept to me until much, much later.

After I had dropped out, a friend of mine came out and at the time the concept was alien. I’d spent so much time in my life trying to choke down any hope of being a guy because of religion it seemed impossible to even change genders. But then a mutual friend between me and my trans one (who is now my roommate) explained to me in a car ride I still remember vividly about what testosterone does to your body. Bit of a side note, but the ‘micro phalus’ thing was something I straight didn’t believe and OH BOY LMAOOOO.

Anyway, with that information now tumbling around on my mind... I accepted my friend and continued to ignore my obvious feelings!

Life marched on. I sunk in to gaming addiction, depression, and repression. I think I first tried to kill my self when I was 20 years old. I had quit my job thanks to a car crash I got in to and sunk in to doing absolutely nothing but playing MMOs for months. Eventually I just convinced myself there was no possible way my life could anything meaningful or productive. I had a fairly unhelpful stay in a mental hospital. I got out, got a job at the Denver zoo as a janitor.

I coasted for a few years there. That job taught me a lot. People skills, how to work hard, how to care about the future... And one of my coworkers was a trans man. We didn’t talk much about his transition. Mostly we just talked about cool things at work and how shitty customers were.

I think that kind of interaction was so important to me. To everyone, him being trans was just natural. No one cared and he seemed pretty happy.

With that information I started to do a bit of research on my own. I’m not sure how many months of consideration I had before coming out subtly to my current roommate in a car.

At the time, pondering coming out to everyone around me and having to confront my body every day in mirrors I cleaned for a living became a sort of hell. I worked the 4am shift and had no one to talk to for the entire duration of my work day, leaving me with lots of time to watch videos and think. I mean I mentally battled myself to the point I was in a lot of pain. So I started taking pain killers, mood stabilizers, drinking, and smoking weed in excess. Since I worked in the dark alone, no one would know how fucked up I was. The primary wrench in me finally accepting my own needs was again that feeling of hopelessness. The process of transition seemed so intimidating. It’s expensive. It will take effort. What if I fuck this or that up?

Early 2017, I tried to kill myself again after months of tormenting myself. I remember when they put me in the ICU and asked for my name, I told them Mike instead of my now dead name. The nurses asked if I had a pronoun preference and I just couldn’t say anything at all. But the chart whiteboad hanging on the wall in front of my bed said “Mike’s”. Everyone who came to visit me saw this. In a way, I had forced myself to come out. My stay in the mental hospital provided the same information as the last, but this time I was more ready to accept it.

One of the exercises we did was write plans for the future. Before, I had left it blank. But this time? I had goals. One of them was to come out officially in a far less destructive fashion. My dad seemed to accept it but not fully support. Due to family tensions that were somewhat unrelated to coming out, I ended up moving out in Late September 2018.

Soon everyone in my personal life knew. I got laid off with my entire department at the zoo. I remember coming out to some of my coworkers based on how religious they were the last day. My next job, I introduced myself as Mike and even got a name tag.

At the end of 2018 I started on hormones after a battle to get ahold of a doctor. Since then, I’ve been a lot happier.

I’ve lost over 100lbs and started working out.

I’m currently working the highest paying job I’ve ever had.

I’m living in an apartment with people I really care about.

The people I keep around me accept my pronouns and are proud of me coming out.

I’ve grown a mustache I love so much I can’t bare to shave it.

The power of self actualization

In every respect, coming out and presenting myself in exactly the way I want to has improved my life. For me that included medically transitioning. It’s like I finally have something to look forward to. All the little changes make me excited and more confident in what I like every day.

Even minor things like clothing are now these exciting vehicles of self expression. I never used to buy things I liked since my parents controlled what I was and was not aloud to wear. And even when I got my own money, those standards forced upon me by Mormonism held me back. Every pay check has more meaning when I’m replacing the old life that I hated so much. I seriously love this tiger shirt I got.

I’m proud to tell people I’m trans because finally admitting to myself has improved my life and mental health and unimaginable degree. I went from wanting to die basically at all times to having excitement for what comes next. I’m enjoying activities that I never would have before. Going to gay bars and dancing has been so enriching for me and I absolutely never would have done that before when I was all angry and bristly.

Being trans can be such a possitive experience. It’s freedom. It’s being able to live your life comfortably.

I know there are a lot of people who don’t understand or don’t want to because of their upbringing... and if you are one of those people who managed to read all this, please know they if you’re anti-trans, you’re anti-freedom of expression, anti-mental health, and anti-social.

Coming out was like removing a clog from my life. I’ve FINALLY been able to start living. And that’s something I want people to know about me. I felt dead before I changed my name and pronouns.

By the way. I’m Mike. He/him. 25. And I’m not going to try and kill my self ever again because I’m enjoying my big trans life.👌

#long post #trans #transgender #pride #trans pride #guess this is my new years post #HAPPY NEW YEARS

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prorevenge · 5 years

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Steal our money and abuse your children? Good Luck with life.

I would just like to put this out there that while I still am a minor, this culminated only last year. Also, I am based outside the US, Canada and Europe, so perhaps some laws may differ. I also suck at languages. Sorry if it gets too long. NSFW tag is needed for details further on. This is a new account, so there will be people who call this fake, and I apologise if this comes off as so.

During the 2008 financial crisis, my father had (ironically) received a promotion based on a project that had rolled out worldwide a few months ago. While his salary only received an increment upgrade, he received a healthy stock bonus (I think that is what they called). As a form of celebration, he decided to buy the apartment we were (and still are living) in and give it a fresh coat of paint (i.e. renovate the house completely). He bought it at well below the market price and the previous owner was more than happy to get the home of his hands so that he could pay off the loan on it. All done and said, my father looked around for a renovator who would work at a reasonable price.

He eventually found one who was ready to do the work at a fraction of the cost the others were doing it at, and after settling on designs and material choices, we moved out of the house and into a service apartment while they began to do the work over 6 months. Now, my father is a very naive person. He believes in the good every being, and will give everything if it means it will help you. The renovator, who we shall name as James, seemed a pitiful character at first. He claimed to be severely overworked by the owners, and had been looking for a way to set up his own business. He non directly was insinuating that my father lend him some money, but, as it was the midst of the financial crisis, my father assured he will try his best to help James out.

Over the 6 months, my younger sister and I got very close to James' two children; twin sisters (Violet and Bella) who were of my age. We would meet often at the local playground, while my father and James would discuss how to help James out with his idea for a business. My father would always recommend a lender, but James would always refuse, stating some bullshit excuse about how he does not want to be tied up. Eventually, my father gave in, and scrubbed together $10,000 to help James bankroll his own renovation business (which in hindsight makes no sense because how do you set up a renovation business with only $10,000). James was very grateful for this and promised to return the money back, and my Father had a contract created with the help of a lawyer, and both James and him signed it.

After the 6 months was over, we moved in. The house was in a great condition, and us kids loved it. But strangely, right after we picked up the keys from James, we never heard a word from in. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and finally months into years, and yet we could never trace James or his kids (he had no wife), and my father did not get his money back, which was a severe strain on us for a year and a bit more. We lodged a police report, but found that this was only one amongst many cases that were against James, and the name and details we had received from him were fake. They were ghosts.

This really depressed my father, because it opened his eyes to the type of people that were around him, and the fact that even if he wanted to look for the good in people and help them, he would always be taken advantage of, regardless of whether it was in the office or in social life.

Fast forward a few years to around March of 2017, and I had just entered the final two years of my schooling education. At the time, I was 15, while my classmates were between 16-17 (I skipped a grade when I was younger, and thus, will still, legally, be a minor when I graduate this year). During the first day of orientation, I picked out two familiar faces in the crowd, that at first I could not put my finger on who they were, and this was strange because I had been in this school for many years and could easily recognise anybody. It took me a few days, and looking at them carefully during classes, to realise that the two new girls who had joined were Violet and Bella themselves, albeit with completely different names and in a bad shape. I approached them at first, thinking they would recognise me, but they never did (and had), and were kind of apprehensive the first few weeks. They did not make many friends at school.

But over time, I managed to get through their armour, and, while they were still not entirely comfortable with me, it was miles better than how the rest of the school treated them. And this was when I actually got a good look at how they had turned out. There were many scars on their hands, any time parents or family were mentioned in the conversation, they basically turned off and went ghost white, and if a boy came even within 2 metres of them, they would turn as white as a sheet or become very agitated. The school counsellor had also notice this, and asked their parents (James essentially) about this, but he played dumb when asked questions and claimed he did not know why these were occurring (just a note, I found this out later but added it here because it helps the flow of the events). I realised something was horribly wrong nearly the instant I saw them but this confirmed it.

Over the same time, my friends and I tried to include them in as many activities as possible, and we took as many pictures with them (and every time somebody took out a camera they would shudder) as possible under the guise of memories, but I mostly kept them as evidence because I had a feeling this was not a good story. It is also important to note I had not told my father that James' children were in my school as it would only trigger bad memories for him and I did not want him to go through the same phase again.

After collecting these pictures, my friends and I made a beeline for the counsellor. The pictures showed in greater details the type of scars that the two sisters had on their hands and feet, which aren't visible in school uniform as our uniform consists of long pants and a full sleeve shirt. I am pretty sure the counsellor and us had a good idea where these scars had come from, but the pictures only was not really great evidence to James arrested, but it was enough to have our country's CPS equivalent get involved. And let me tell you, these guys do not mess around. They have their own division of military trained "police" officers and are relatively well funded, will go to any lengths to thoroughly investigate a case, and will ruin your life if they even doubt you.

After submitting the pictures, and learning a case was opened, we were not involved in much else as we were still minors. That was, until a few months after (December of 2017), when my friends and I were pulled out of class by the principal, and were taken to the local police station were a representative of CPS was waiting for us. They were very polite, and wanted to know more information about the case. Apart from what were in the pictures, and what we gave, my friends could not provide much else. Neither could I, but I saw the representatives eyes light up for a second when I mentioned about who the father was and how he had cheated our family. But apart from that, we did not hear much after that, other than they might need us as witnesses (I am sorry if this comes off as wrong but this is what I recall) if the case proceeds onto court.

Some weeks later (January of 2018), my father received a call from the police to come down for the case on James (I don't think it was ever closed due to the sheer magnitude of number of cases against James). Apparently they had let him know that there was a new lead on where James might be and he might be needed later on. They also let him know that CPS was on the case too, so he should expect a call soon on them for their case on James (I think they now believed that James was behind the scars). My father had known by know that I had gone to the counsellor with pictures of Bella and Violet being potentially abused, as the principal had called him up on the day CPS had pulled me out of class for an interview, so he had fully expected this, and was seething with anger because a man he had thought to be good had stolen his money and abused his own daughters.

After that, I do not know what happened for a long time. Bella and Violet remained in school, more drawnback than ever, and my friends and I were not contacted any more. Until one day, around June of 2018, just before we broke for summer, when they were met outside of school by a representative of CPS. I was a close friend of them by now, so I was walking with them to the bus stop, when we were met by the representative. He asked me to continue on, as he had to ask them a few questions. I moved on, fully expecting what was to happen. It didn't take long.

Around end September of 2018, CPS contacted my father and I, as well as my friends, regarding the case, They needed some things (I could not go that day as I had been hospitalised for a compound fracture), so my father went for the both of us (he could sign for me as I was still a minor and he was a legal guardian). When he came back, he was truly shocked. It turns out the problem was far more than I expected. My father had signed an NDA, as had my friends, and even though I had been involved, I could not get much out of them except that my friends and I had started something huge.

Come December 2018, and finally I found out just what we had started. The entire article was printed in the papers (James, Bella, Violet, my friends and I, and my father were not named due to a gag order to protect the identity of the victim; other than us lot, nobody else in the school or society, to my knowledge, knew who the children in question were).

Bella and Violet had not only been physically abused by James with the use of pipes and belts, but they had been raped by James multiple times, and their reaction to the camera, which I mentioned earlier, was due to the fact that James had been recording his rapings of his Bella and Violet, and had been trying to sell them to snuff sites on the dark web. In addition to this, he had cheated nearly 15 victims (including my father) out of nearly $200,000.

The book was thrown at James, mainly due his treatment of Bella and Violet, as well as due to another incident which had happened when he was being arrested, but I will not mention it because it, on its own, will give away where I am from. He was given multiple life sentences, no chance of parole, and was also given another punishment that is not used in other countries, but I will not mention it because it identifies where I am, but I am guessing the smart people here will be able to find out just what it is anyway.

I am also pretty sure the people in prison will do not take kindly to child rapists, so he is in hell. Which is good. Because that is all he deserves.

I do not know where Bella and Violet are, they were pulled out as soon as court proceedings began.

(source) story by (/u/TakeRevengeAsALiving)

#prorevenge #by /u/TakeRevengeAsALiving #pro revenge #revenge stories #pro revenge stories #pro #revenge #last10

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killthebxy · 5 years

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i have so many mixed feelings about the season finale.

so.

many.

mixed.

feelings.

and i don’t really know where to start... so i think i’ll start at the end. and i’ll start by making a separation in my analysis.

1. if we look at s08 ep6 on its own

i’ve been writing Jon Snow since January 24th, 2017. s07 happened during April-May 2017, if i remember well? which means, some of you who’ve been with me from the start of my blog have watched me watching s07; have watched my reactions and my opinions and my rants. ever since then, i have been very open and very vocal about how much i loathed the idea of Jon as the rightful heir to the Iron Throne, and Jon eventually sitting this throne as king --- those of you who’ve followed me for less time also likely know this very well, because gods know i never shut up about it. so, considering the finale that Jon had... someone might tell me: you must be very happy! and, well... i am very happy. i was not made to see Jon sitting the throne. i was not made to see everyone call him Agony and hail him and glorify him. i got to see him wearing his black cloak again and returned to where he belongs --- away from thrones and kings and queens, away from the ungrateful northern lords, making peace with the free folk. hell, i even got to see him hugging Ghost, imagine. who would have thought, Jon Snow loves his soulmate more than his own life. sarcasm aside... yesterday, i told a couple of you that i had two final, very little requests of ep6: i wanted to see Jon crying (because i had read the leaks, and thus i knew what to expect) and i wanted to see those beautiful curls freed from the bun. and i got this. i got to see, FINALLY, after weeks, Jon Snow and not Agony Targaryen. loyal to the end, struggling with the cruel decision he had to make, quoting master Aemon, accepting his fate, doing his duty no matter the cost --- as he once did with Ygritte. if we look at this episode only, i got everything i ever hoped for, and for this i am grateful. and yet...

2. we cannot look at s08 ep6 on its own

and this is where it all begins and ends. because ep6 does not exist on its own. does not exist in a void. nothing of what happened came out of spontaneous generation. Dany wasn’t suddenly the mad queen. Tyrion wasn’t suddenly clever again. Grey Worm wasn’t suddenly thirsty for blood and revenge. Jon Snow wasn’t suddenly Jon Snow and not Agony Targaryen. and this is why everything in this season is irredeemable to me, no matter how much i loved Jon’s finale if we look at it objectively and pragmatically.

do you know why i love George’s writing so much? it’s not for the prose --- very honestly, 90% of the persons i roleplay with write better than him. it’s not completely for the storyline, either, though it is amazing --- very honestly, some of the book chapters are boring and long and fillers and with descriptions and details that no one cares about. i love George’s writing, however, for his absolutely brilliant talent to manage such a vast universe. he’s got so many major characters, thrice as many minor characters, even more characters that only appear at the end of the books, listed as part of the great houses and such. the experience of reading A Song of Ice and Fire, and least for me, was that --- you get to a point you lose track of what’s going on, exactly because there is SO MUCH going on. so many characters, so many stories, so many destinies. and i remember myself often asking: how the hell will some of this make sense in the end, this is huge and so complex. and then... then you get to A Dance with Dragons... and, fuck, it does make sense. ALL of it starts tying together. all the details, all the little plot twists, all the symbolism, all the foreshadowing --- it all comes around and ties together, it all makes sense. all these many, many parts come together in a whole --- and this is why i praise George so much. this is why i admire his writing so much. because, even if i am upset with some choices, it all makes sense. it all is fluid, coherent, so pleasing to read and to follow and so goddamn captivating.

and then you look at s07 and especially s08... and you find nothing of this. where George does kill a lot of characters, he keeps the bulk of them and considers all of them --- and D&D simply kill them all off for not having any better use for them. where George writes intricate, complex, layered characters and 99% of them are purely made of grey areas and grey morals and so very few are completely good or completely evil --- and D&D turned them completely flat, shallow, predictable, cliché, borderline boring if not downright so. where George named this the world of ice and fire and makes it so that the big, overarching theme is flawed, very different humans trying to gather together to survive the common, legendary foe --- D&D were done with the Long Night in like 40 minutes, and the only thing dark about it was the terrible lighting that makes iconing ep3 a nightmare. and i could go on, but i think i’ve made my point. D&D haven’t the 10th of George’s talent --- and, hey, i can accept this. -i- don’t have the 10th of George’s talent for sure, and very few people in this world have the 10th of George’s talent when it comes to tying together such a huge, deep, complex plot. and i can live with this. i could live with predictable, cliché writing in s07, and still be able to enjoy it at least half the time. i wasn’t happy, but i was content.

but s08? well. s08, the way i see it, was simply two things: 1) D&D trying to be George and trying to go for plot twists and trying to make a bittersweet ending of some sort... and then 2) D&D realizing they are as far from George as the Earth is from Pluto, and going fuck it we’ll resolve everything based on shock value. and i wish i was joking or exaggerating or being sarcastic --- but they have stated this themselves and are proud of it, apparently. you only have to google it and you’ll easily find it. these two gentlemen looked at, say, Daenerys, and asked themselves: we want her to be the mad queen in the end, what can we do to lead to this outcome? and they did it. it’s as simple and as linear as this. and literally everything and everyone, logic and common sense included, gets thrown under the rubble for the sake of making this happen. and this is why i have zero respect and zero credits for them, at the end of all things, even if i did love Jon’s finale when i look at it isolated from everything else.

because.

yes, Jon Snow, the honorable man with a good, kind, merciful heart who does whatever needs to be done for the sake of his people, no matter the toll it takes on himself. check, this is the Jon i know and love. Jon Snow, not a glorified savior who succeeds where everyone else fails, not Azor Ahai reborn, but a tool, an instrument used to bring salvation --- Lightbringer itself. check, this is the Jon i know and love. Jon Snow, who was never destined for a happy ending, carrying the guilt and suffering the consequences of his decisions. check, this is the Jon i know and love. but what happened before this? what about everything that led him to this?

book!Jon and show!Jon were always different, this isn’t a new thing. even during seasons 1-5, where the show followed the book canon for the most part (at least in Jon’s case), they were already different. show!Jon has a lot more personal agency, in that he chooses to do a lot of the things he does --- while book!Jon tends to get sucked into the whole ordeal, and he tries to navigate it as well as he can. for an example: show!Jon offered himself to go with Qhorin Halfhand, book!Jon was chosen by Qhorin and caught by surprise and even lord commander Mormont was like ????. another example: show!Jon sends Grenn to hold the gate against Mag the Mighty and brings on himself the responsibility of commanding the Wall during the attack, book!Jon gets command imposed on him by Donal Noye and then again in the morning by master Aemon. again, i could go on and on, but i have made my point. regarding all this, while i do prefer book!Jon, i never hated show!Jon. some parts, even, like the battle at Hardhome, i honestly loved and i wish i could get that POV in the books.

now, s06... post-revival. this is where the books-show rift happens for good, as they ran out of source material. very sincerely, i did not watch s06 as a whole --- i only watched Jon’s scenes. so if you ask me what was going on otherwise, i don’t know and i don’t really regret this choice. s06 Jon is a sort of limbo for me, because i cannot say if his portrayal was good or bad. clearly, this is when he starts making stupid decisions and being far more reckless, but... as mentioned, this is post-revival. this is a man who was stabbed in the heart by his own sworn brothers, who got wrenched back out of the grave, who immediately got told: hey you gotta keep fighting and you gotta start by going and reclaiming Winterfell and saving your little brother. given this context, can i judge him for not being himself? i can’t and i never did, which is why i accepted s06 (again, re: Jon Snow only) for what it was. and i was content with it, even if the revelation of his parentage for show!canon did not impress me.

s07. this coincided with the birth and infancy of my blog, and honestly i was so excited to get to share this experience with everyone --- and this much was absolutely amazing. i was writing my Master’s thesis back then and i had a lot more free time, so i was able to stay up late and watch it live... and, boy, was that a ride. i had so much fun back then, and all of it thanks to my beautiful followers and friends who were there to live through this with me. but as far as the season itself went... yeah, that was the beginning of the end. because, unlike s06, Jon didn’t have excuses anymore to be stupid and reckless. and yet he still was. he still just grabbed a bunch of sturdy men and ventured into the fucking Frostfangs in the middle of winter without even bringing 1 (one) horse, just to name the most blatant of stupid examples. and the whole glorified superhero savior vibe? my good beans, i wrote a meta with 4000+ words to justify why that frozen lake scene was total bullshit and why Jon did die his second death there --- exactly out of spite for how much i hated it. how much i hated that D&D were turning the boy i love into a commercial protagonist who does the impossible and suffers no consequences and gets to have everyone else’s portrayal tossed under the wreck for the sake of glorifying him further. Rickon was already a plot device, Benjen Stark was a plot device, and i had the sinking feeling it would not stop there. s07 had bad and lazy writing, was terribly rushed and with very little character development, was pointing towards a very obvious and very cliché ending: Jon & Dany, the power couple, sitting the throne, having a baby, living happily ever after.

and today... today i ask myself: how can you fuck up a plot so much, to the point where i wish i was made to see this cliché, predictable ending instead? i spent a year and a half whining about how much i did not want to see Jon sitting the throne... only to now look at the finale and be like --- sweet summer child, what did you know of fear. because, hey, yes, Jon was reborn from his ashes and Agony was cast aside and he got exactly the endgame i prayed for --- but at what cost? to get here, i had to see ALL the northern lords and half his family spitting on him for his decision to bend the knee. to get here, i had to see him literally say: it’s true, my name is Aegon Targayen. to get here, i had to see him avoiding Dany and not having the balls to talk to her about it until the very last moment. i had to see him plan the defenses of Winterfell like a complete stupid idiot who has no clue what he is doing. i had to see him forgetting Ghost is his soulmate. i was even deprived of the thing i love more in Kit’s acting, which is fighting on the ground --- for the sake of an epic dragon battle, yes, but that by rights he should not have survived. i was denied a one-on-one battle with the Night King, no matter who’d win and no matter who’d get to destroy the NK in the end. i got an epic moment of him roaring back at an undead dragon, yes, but what came in the next episodes got me to the point of headcanoning that he died during that moment. i had to see him not even mourn Edd’s death and going for Lyanna Mormont gods know why, who openly questioned and defied him. i had to see him being the by-the-book definition of a douchebag who sits drinking with friends and completely ignoring his girl who’d just lost one of her closest loved ones and was so clearly dissociating throughout that entire feast. i had to see him being described as so stupid that he obviously bent the knee for love and Dany was going to play him like a fiddle. i had to see him practically being made to choose between his family and the girl he loves. I HAD TO SEE HIM ABANDONING GHOST. i had to see him, again, pull away from Dany when she needed him most --- and, yes, in show!canon it is incest and all that, but you don’t have to fuck or kiss the girl you love to be there for her. i was denied, again, 1 (one) decent fighting scene on the ground because all he did at KL was to cut down a few soldiers with a few basic slashes.

and, very frankly, what bothers and disgusts me the most out of all of this hellhole... i had to see character after character ruined, completely ruined in their essence, for the sake of stating: hey Jon Snow is a good guy! Rhaegal, who had to be butchered for the sake of triggering Dany and also because Dany and Jon and Tyrion were too stupid to remember Euron’s fleet still existed. Missandei, who had to be butchered in chains for the sake of triggering Dany. Grey Worm, who had to be metaphorically butchered and turned into a blood-thirsty savage longing for blind revenge for the sake of Agony Targaryen, our lord and savior, being the merciful savior who claims pity for unarmed men. the women of King’s Landing, who had to be raped by northern soldiers, again for the sake of Agony being the good guy who saves one of them. and at the end of the day... Daenerys Targaryen. the little girl who wanted to go home and return to her house with a red door. who was exiled and sold and raped and harassed and humiliated and abused and betrayed and used and objectified. who made terrible choices more than once, yes and i erase none of them, but who made them with a good intention and who paid the price of said choices --- like Jon himself did, like we all, flawed human beings, do. the strong, willful, kind woman who heard Jon’s plea for help and went to save him and his men beyond the Wall and who lost one of her children for it. the queen who wanted to break the wheel and to make this world a better place. the breaker of shackles. Mhysa. she, who was never her father. reduced to this, for the sake of making Jon Snow the good honorable man who does his duty even at expense of his own interest and his own happiness.

dear Mr. Daniel B. Weiss and dear Mr. David Benioff: do you know since when Jon Snow is a good honorable man who does his duty even at expense of his own interest and his own happiness? since always. since 283 AC. since far, far before you got your incompetent, untalented hands on him. and he never needed to be shown as one --- he was one. without the need to sacrifice 90% of the plot and the characters to make him seem so. he IS so. and this is why i’ll never forgive you, even if you did give me exactly the finale i wanted. because what you did to him, in order to bring him here? honestly, you deserve no redemption. ever. and if there is one thing that makes me extremely, utterly, earnestly happy today, it is that never again you will touch him. Jon Snow belongs to George, and he belongs to me, and he belongs to every beautiful talented roleplayer who writes him, and he belongs to every beautiful talented roleplayer who writes muses who interact with him. never to you, again. and for this i thank the old gods of the forest. today, Jon Snow is finally at rest. and, as of today, i can finally stop writing out of spite --- and return to writing because i love this boy.

#GOT spoilers #anti GOT #long post #「ᵐᵉᵗᵃ ᵗᵃᵍ」ᵗʰᵉ ᶜʳᵒʷ ᶤˢ ᵗʰᵉ ʳᵃᵛᵉᶰ'ˢ ᵖᵒᵒʳ ᶜᵒᵘˢᶤᶰ #i tried my best to be concise #...and i clearly failed #and i tried my best to make sense and to put my thoughts into words clearly #but guys #i am all over the place #so if anyone wants to ask questions #would like me to better explain/explore some topic in particular #please feel free to send me asks about it!#and/or IMs #i will possibly be slow in replying but i will definitely get to everything <3

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gremlinsae · 5 years

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My Story + Current Situation

I don't know how to begin this post. To be honest, what I'm about to tell y'all may not help me out in any way other than giving me an outlet to vent. Fair warning, this is going to be a long post and I may ramble a bit but I'll add a tldr; at the end.

Sigh.

Let me start from the beginning.

My name is Stacey. I turn 25 years old on April 24th, 2019.

My story begins when I was 19 years old - a freshman at my local university. I was finishing up my first year of my undergraduate program in Biology, aiming to get a Masters or PhD in Genetics. I had many accomplishments; I was awarded a scholarship because of my GPA, a group project I was a part of won 1st place in a writing competition because our independent research paper was the best, and I was just living life and working on my future. I had to take the bus everywhere, I was moving around a lot, and I was working out regularly at my university's gym. One day, as I'm walking to the bus stop, it felt like my right hip popped out of place and then slammed back in.

At the time, it was a minor inconvenience. It hurt, yes, but it mostly just left me sore and it went away with some rest so I didn't think much about it.

I started questioning it more when it happened again over summer break. I was at a friend's house playing D&D when I felt an acute grinding sensation in my right hip joint as I stood up to get me a soda. This time, the pain was significantly worse - sharp and it took longer to go away. I started thinking that I was developing arthritis as my dad also got it young.

It took a while to happen again...but when it did, it got to a point where I couldn't ignore it at all.

I had picked up a seasonal job at Macy's. My first day on the sale's floor was Thanksgiving night going into Black Friday. We were understaffed and it was hell, but I made it through my shift which ended at 2:00 AM. A co-worker came to me and asked if I could pick up her shift the following morning and I took it because I wanted to work. On Black Friday, I started feeling that grinding sensation in my hip again but I worked through it - blowing it off as simple arthritis. I believed rest would help.

That following Saturday, I had another 8 hour shift but this time it was in juniors which was the busiest area. I was moving around a lot, had to bend over to pick things up off the floor, and I'm not even going to get into the mess left in the dressing rooms. Towards the end of my shift, I was limping. The grinding sensation only got worse and suddenly my hip was locked up. I could barely move and when I did I experienced sharp intense pain. I left an hour early because I could no longer do my job. I thought maybe I just picked up too many hours, so I decided to take the rest of the weekend to rest.

But the pain didn't go away with rest. I was in pain for 2 weeks straight, hardly able to walk, before I finally went to see a doctor. I limped my way to the university health center and scheduled an appointment. The lady who saw me performed a simple hip exam. I wasn't able to walk much, so she mostly checked my hip flexion. Off the bat, I knew that I had lost some range of motion as we could barely bring my knee to my chest without pain. The fun part happened as she was guiding my leg back down.

My femoral head caught on my hip bone. It was audible, and yes it hurt.

She had a look of shock as she said, "You are way too young for this."

I was prescribed diclofenac for the inflammation and cyclobenzaprine (flexeril) to relax my muscles and help me sleep through the pain. That same night, my mom took me to the ER and I had a x-ray done on my hip. The radiologist said that there was a slight chance I had femoroacetabular impingement (FAI) (in layman's terms: the bones are misshapen) on both hips, but would need more imaging to truly determine a diagnosis. I was prescribed hydrocodone (vicodin) for about a week to try and manage the pain until I could get insurance and see a specialist.

That's where the fun part started.

Since I turned 19 that year, I was no longer covered under CHIPS Medicaid. I applied again, but was told that I do not qualify because I didn't have any children.

Yeah...you read that right. The state of Texas does not extend benefits to anyone over 19 without children.

My only choice was a county program that helps low income people get medications and treatment so they can get back to work. I wasn't able to apply until months later (a combination of not having my own transportation, busy schedules, and my mom trying to convince me that I would be denied.)

I was 20 years old when I finally found a doctor (we'll call him Dr. D) that could help me figure out what was going on in my hip joint. He took it seriously - performed another hip exam and ordered several lab tests. We checked everything under the sun: cancer, rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, etc. He got me on physical therapy, changed out my diclofenac to meloxicam (mobic), ordered me an MRI, and referred me to an orthopedic specialist to determine how we needed to move forward.

The MRI I had was without contrast. The result was greater trochanter bursitis, or inflammation of the bursa which are sacs filled with synovial fluid that help cushion joint movement.

When I saw the specialist in November of 2014, the chronic bursitis was the sign that something was definitely wrong with my hip. I was only 20 years old with no traumatic injury. Chronic bursitis is not common in someone that young, so he ordered me an MRI with contrast so that they could have better imaging of my joint. My husband's grandparents paid the $932 to get it done in December and it was honestly one of the worst things I had ever gone through. When they injected the dye into my hip, the numbing agent didn't work and it hit a nerve HARD and my entire body convulsed. They injected more of the numbing agent, but that also didn't work so again my entire body convulsed as they tried to get the dye in. The third time worked because they decided to give me a stronger numbing agent...but it messed my hip up. I walked funny for three days.

When I finally saw the specialist again about the results (several months later because of an issue with scheduling), not only did I have bursitis but they also confirmed that I had cam type FAI (layman's terms: the deformity is on the femoral head) and a 9mm labral tear.

Since the condition was causing joint damage, the answer was surgery.

I was sent back to my primary care physician's office, but unfortunately Dr. D wasn't available so I saw a different doctor. (This may seem irrelevant, but it is actually very important.) I told her EXACTLY what the specialist told me, which was that I needed to get sent to San Antonio or Galveston in order to get treatment.

The referral was denied.

I was assigned a new doctor. We'll call him Dr. S. He told me about the denial when I had asked about it during an appointment for a different issue. I remember crying because I had no idea what to do. I was only 21 years old - I didn't know how to navigate the medical system! Plus, I was very very broke. I won't go into too much detail, but I was forced to move out of my parent's because my dad is irresponsible and I was put in a massive amount of credit card debt because my own mother stole my identity and I ended up having to pay the bill for it because my mom was diagnosed with cancer and couldn't work anymore.

(This is only surface level by the way. The last 5-6 years have been absolute hell.)

That summer I was working two jobs. I had a GoFundMe page and I was just trying to save up enough money to possibly get me on an insurance plan to cover the surgery. I came home every night limping and crying, my husband having to half carry me and help me get into a hot bath just to try and bring the pain down enough so that I could do it all again the next day. School was rough as well and my grades were dropping.

I was destroying my body so much that it got to a point where I could no longer do my job as a sale's associate at Macy's. My managers were amazing and they did everything they could to help accommodate me, but it got to a point where I was unable to finish shifts due to pain and I was calling out often. I was running low on my attendance credits and I didn't want to be fired for absenteeism.

I go back to see Dr. S and I tell him I really need something, anything. What I was doing wasn't getting me anywhere and my condition was getting worse due to the progressive joint damage. He didn't really know what to do...saying things like "I can' believe they denied you - the whole point of the program is to help people get their treatment and yet they're denying you." I told him I had heard something about an orthopedic program at one of the hospitals in network and he put in a request for me to see one of their surgeons.

I never got a response.

At the time, I really couldn't pursue the issue - I changed from a sale's associate to a wedding gift registry advisor at Macy's. It was a desk job which really helped keep my hip under control, but the problem was that my hours were reduced and I had no way of picking up more like I did with my previous position. I was having to donate plasma so often just to have food money that I actually have a permanent scar on my left arm.

I loved that job, but it barely paid the bills. I took a semester off of school so I could focus on working and babysitting my nephew due to a family emergency. Thankfully my in-laws paid me. Even though it was something I would have done for free, it really helped out.

But then Macy's had a huge company layoff in January 2017...and I was affected. The position I had was being removed from my local store, so I was without a job. My depression took a big hit and it almost ruined my relationship with my husband. I wasn't taking care of myself, I wasn't doing my responsibilities that were required for my unemployment benefits and my insurance, and I basically became extremely dependent on my husband to a point that our relationship became unhealthy. It took a while to get me out of that rut. I started applying for jobs and I ended up getting hired by Aflac around the end of April, but I had to get my driver's license before I could be officially on board.

I understand that the above may not seem relevant, but...that summer was when things got even worse.

I wasn't able to get my license in time to take the position, but that was only a part of the issue. In July, I was helping my husband's business at a convention when I had one of the worst flares I've ever had. I had twisted the wrong way, causing my femur to catch on my hip bone, and I ended up on the floor in fetal position.

At best, the pain felt like I was being stabbed with an ice pick. At worst, it felt like every tiny movement I made was splintering my hip bone. The splintering sensation I had felt before, but not to this degree. My hip was locked and it felt like I was stuck in a vice. On the pain scale, I was around a 9. It was unbearable. I ended up in the ER where the only thing they could do was give me a shot and a prescription for Tylenol 3 (acetaminophen + codeine) to help me get through it...

Neither the shot or the medicine worked. While my hip was unlocked, I was still experiencing sharp pain that was so deep in my hip bone that none of the medications touched it.

It hurt...it hurt intensely and consistently.

It got to a point where I had to borrow flexeril and tramadolfrom someone while I was trying to renew my insurance. Yes, I'm aware that this is illegal - but I was out of flexeril and the meloxicam wasn't working so we were trying to get me through the MULTIPLE flares I was having even when I didn't do anything to aggravate my hip. The end of 2017 was exhausting for multiple reasons.

Once I got back on the county program, I had an appointment scheduled with a new doctor (we'll call her Dr. P) because Dr. S was no longer working in network.

The week of my appointment...was really rough. We had to put our dog down at 2 years old because he had severe chylothorax and we didn't have the money or the means to seek treatment (plus it was so severe that seeking treatment could have killed him.) A few days later, Hurricane Harvey hit and my area was badly affected. My appointment had to be rescheduled.

I saw several different doctors in the following months because Dr. P never had an opening available. I ended up needing a wheelchair to get around because my standing/walking limit was drastically reduced. I'm lucky to be able to stand for 10-15 minutes now compared to the 1.5 - 2 hours it used to be. I tried to apply for medicaid again, but was denied and advised to try and apply for disability. I didn't have enough credits to apply through social security so I found an attorney and just gave it a shot. However, I got a rejection letter for representation due to the information that they received from my doctor's office.

I start questioning things at this point. What did they tell the disability attorney? We knew I needed surgery and that my condition was getting worse. What could my doctor have told the attorney that resulted in a denial?

I didn't see Dr. P until May of 2018 and apparently, she had no record of my diagnosis and my need for surgery. The only imaging she could find on file was my very first MRI (without contrast) and so she was under the impression that the only issue was mild inflammation in my right hip.

I was pissed.

I ended up having to redo the entire process. I see the very same specialist again and he didn't remember me. I had to get another MRI done and he requested an x-ray right before my appointment, but he never went over the results with me. He basically told me I need to "put up with it" and ordered me a fluoroscopy guided injection.

I get the injection in October and literally minutes afterward I start crying because of how overwhelmed I was at no longer being in pain. To give y'all an idea, chronic pain isn't always intense pain 24/7. For me, it feels like my hip is constantly bruised. I usually hover around a 2-3 on the pain scale and the more I move the higher it gets. IT IS EXHAUSTING. To finally feel "normal" again was so overwhelming for me that I was a sobbing mess as we walked back to the car.

That week I was so happy. My mental health immediately improved. I was able to walk around, go up and down stairs, even go on a camping trip with my ecology class and go hiking! All these things that I wanted to do I could finally do again with only minimal and MANAGEABLE pain. I still took it easy, but I was finally able to enjoy my life again.

...

The following Monday, a week after the injection, I woke up in severe pain. I had felt the familiar twinge the night before, resulting in an anxiety attack because of the fear my hip pain was returning...and unfortunately my fear came true. The injection normally lasts a few months...for me, it lasted one week.

I go see the specialist for the follow up appointment regarding the injection. He seemed kind of confused, saying things like "At least now we know the problem is your hip." I was beyond frustrated because WE KNEW FOR YEARS THE PROBLEM WAS MY HIP. He wasn't listening to me! He even asked me if he had talked about surgery the last time I saw him and I told him YES. So to wrap up the appointment, he gives me a half-assed hip exam and requests that my PCP put in a referral for orthopedic surgery...again. My depression hits its lowest point. I even contemplated suicide and had to start therapy. Overall, I was not in a good place.

I don't hear anything about the referral for months so I call and they tell me there are no orthopedic surgeons at the moment. So I make another appointment but this time I see a different doctor that we will call Dr. I because she was the one who put in the request for the referral. She was amazing! She listened to me, didn't interrupt me, and she worked to make sure we got details regarding any hold ups so I wasn't left in the dark. She even performed a standard hip exam on me to measure how bad my hip got. Anyway, she finds out that yes - everyone with the clinic card does not currently have an orthopedic surgeon because the contract with the previous one ended and was not being renewed. She encouraged me to keep calling, at least once at month, to check on the status of their hiring.

My first call was in February of 2019 and not only was I told that there still wasn't any orthopedic surgeons...the county had also decided to no longer cover hip surgery as of this year.

I was LIVID.

I made an appointment with Dr. P and was seen literally the next day because I was DONE. We gathered all the info we could to prove to them that I had been seeking treatment for years. She listened and she took me seriously. She put in a new referral that aimed to get me a one time approval, ordered physical therapy, and referred me back to the specialist so we could get this done. She also prescribed me gabapentin to help me out with some of the nerve pain I was experiencing because as of the end of 2018, my hip pain was causing issues with my knee. As of 2019, my ankle and foot started being affected as well. She theorized it was due to nerve damage and so she put a note on my referral for it to get done ASAP.

Which brings us to the present. I went to physical therapy and it caused me to flare up...repeatedly. I ended up having to resign from my job (that I only had for a month) because my absences were atrocious and I was constantly having to update my accommodations just so we can attempt to have my absenteeism reduced. (In the end, I had to chose between voluntarily resigning and be eligible for rehire in 30 days or risk being terminated and not being eligible for 3 years.) My last physical therapy appointment was Friday, April 12th because during my exercises my femur caught on my hip bone and caused a severe flare. The physical therapist put a stop on my therapy until after I saw the specialist because it was only causing me more trauma.

Today, April 17th, I saw the specialist and we finally figured out why I never received the treatment I needed. To reiterate, we are on year 5since I first got on the county aid and started seeking help from them.

It turns out, all of my referrals were done incorrectly.

I was being referred to the local orthopedic department which can not do the procedure I need. On top of that, the specialist was trying to order me an arthroscopy for DIAGNOSTIC purposes - not an arthroscopic surgery. Somewhere in the mix there was massive miscommunication and things were not being documented correctly. My PCPs had no idea how to handle my case so it ended up being mishandled entirely.

Essentially, the specialist brought in someone from an internal department and they are now taking over my case because this is grounds for a class action law suit and they want to avoid that at all costs. She explained to me where the block happened and that they were no longer going through my primary care physician for referrals because it would risk continued miscommunication.

They admitted that the fault was on them. I understand why this happened because the hospital I go through is in a major transitional phase and they've been tearing down the trauma center and relocating, building new clinics, updating, etc. I even told her and the specialist that I am not mad at any one person, that I do understand - but they have to understand that I was a victim of this. I experienced YEARS of suffering that affected my physical and mental health, my education, and my ability to work. My condition has devolved to a point it never should have and it may have permanent life altering repercussions. My surgery may go from a simple fix to needing a replacement which would result in at least 2 more replacements later on in my life since they do have an expiration date and I am only 24 going on 25.

TLDR; because of the transitional state my hospital is in plus the fact that I was jumping between multiple doctors, there was miscommunication regarding the treatment for my FAI and it led to my referrals being done incorrectly...and I suffered for it. I am now waiting on a referral that will send me up to San Antonio where they will be taking arthroscopic images of my hip joint so that we can further determine how to proceed with treatment. I may pursue legal action, but ultimately I just want something done so I can get on with my life.

⬇️

So why am I posting all of this information here?

Because of the fact that I am now out of a job again, plus everything that I had explained above, I am opening up EMERGENCY commissions. We have bills to pay and we also need to be able to pay for this trip to San Antonio and unfortunately, my husband (who is currently employed by my previous employer, go figure) is not making enough to keep us afloat. We are in the red and will not make it through May at this point so we are already working on selling some extra stuff and getting ready to make some major sacrifices.

I mostly write Victuuri but am willing to discuss other pairings. If you have any questions regarding what I will or will not write, just shoot me a message on twitter and we can discuss it.

Commissions will be pay what you want - no minimum. I'll literally take anything at this point. I know my writing can be a bit inconsistent so I don't feel right setting a price. Here's the link to my ko-fi page.

All I ask is to please understand if the commission takes a while to get out. I have real life things to take care of and sometimes my medicine makes it hard for me to stare at my computer screen. Just trust that I will get it done.

I'm currently working on a piece for hentipie. I'm hoping to have it out this weekend so prepare to see that soon! It won't be posted here due to the rating though, so you'll have to look for it on AO3.

Anyway, for those of you who took the time to read this ridiculous chunk of text, thank you. If you can't help me out financially that is perfectly fine. I know and understand the struggle so don't feel bad by my sob story. I just needed to get this out.

Talk to y'all again soon! <3

-Sae

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jibrillenyan · 5 years

Text

Eldarya Valentine Event Review

So, as everyone who reads the guide blog knows, I try my best to stay 400% neutral there; I don't want to impose my opinions on people who just want to know what the right answers are and, to be honest, I tend to keep to myself anyway. But I've often been asked to share my opinions at least on this Tumblr (there was actually a poll a few years ago, where I asked if people wanted that and I just realized I never started posting opinions anyway. XD sorry, I'm so terribad at this) so here I am, being asked my thoughts on the matter and answering, for once. I also noticed I suck at tagging; blame the fact that this is just an info-blog about the guide website, I promise I'll go back and sort them out. I will tag Personal opinion posts or the ones about myself with "Purrsonal" so you can skip them if you want. (All) that being said, the Valentine event... under the cut because it’s extra long.

As usual, it started with bugs. Yeah, ok, let's move on, there is nothing new to say. I really wish they tested this stuff a bit before tossing it on us.

"Victim of its own success" my @$$.

Outfits: Truth be told, I overall don't like them. There are some pieces that I find absolutely great but that is it. Valkyon's especially is really weird to look at, more like a chastity device than date outfit, even if I do like the boots, and the shoulderpads aren't that bad I guess. Hopefully people have better taste than me and can appreciate them more, but for me, having to pay potentially so much more than usual for outfits that I like far less was a bit of a disappointment.

Money: In that regard, yes you do pay more, a lot more, it's not just you, it's a fact. On average (there was some market involved, plus the occasional energy potion... blablabla) the 2017 event, assuming optimal completion (not spending more than strictly necessary) cost a whole 80 maana (or less!) for 3 outfits. The 2018 event? 0. Yep, all free. 2019? We are talking about 1200 maana (optimal completion) and we all know many of us didn't optimally complete. It sucked.

True, this is the only event you can finish early without spending a single gold coin (2017 and 2018 required gold coins if you made mistakes or skipped some days that didn't depend on knowing the answers), but it's also the only event where if you want the companion you have to pay. 2017? present from Leiftan, free. 2018, Completion Prize, free.

Companion: As someone who watched My Little Pony as a toddler, it's simply adorable. Diabetes-inducing adorable, but still adorable. Plus, it's animated (but it kinda looks like it's having a seizure...)! Is it the start of a trend? Stats are really not great (unless puberty hits reaaally hard and the adult is a half-miracle), but I caved in and bought it at least on the Italian version. It sucks that it's not free. :( The fact that the companion could only be obtained by paying for it was the biggest downside of this event for me, and I think that it was also the first time this happened outside an episode since the game came out internationally. /Sadpanda.

Background: I love backgrounds, and this is very sugary, but beautiful; I just wish it didn't replace the companion as completion reward, because if I HAD to choose between the 2, I would have preferred the latter, as much as I wish we had more event backgrounds, companions are just more useful, especially for newbies.

Mechanics: My biggest complain here is the cost, too high. We had all foreseen the use of the newly acquired alchemy minigame as the engine for this event, and while some don't like it, I was ok with that. It's just too expensive to be likable. We never had to pay so much for a Valentine event and I hope it won't repeat itself. On the bright side, it's not a skill minigame, so it's not something we can fail. Considering the issues many had during the last events, perahps at least THAT is a good thing. It's nice that you can find the ingredients everywhere, including the low energy areas, but I would have preferred if they had split the loot pool among them instead of everything dropping everywhere; finding everything you need for a specific outfit, especially the scrolls, is extremely hard with these chances, and the scrolls are 100 maana. Which brings me to the next point: the final questions. While I like the idea of a tiny-mini-episode inside the event with its answers to guess, God Bless the guides, because I'd like to see people complete this event using no extra maana or gold, without relying on people who paid to advance faster. If you try to do it staying in those 1200 maana, the optimal completion, you submit yourselves to the the RNGesus, and it could take DAYS to complete a route. Now, imagine getting a couple of answers wrong, and having to wait a DAY to retry... get them all wrong and you take 13 days JUST for the answers... it's a bit crazy. Cant we have, I don't know, an attempt every 4-6 hours? It's like they are really trying hard to make us spend money this time around.

Story: Well, can't say that I liked seeing Gardienne "Unable to control herself" and cheating on her boyfriend, mostly because I don't think it was necessary. If you haven't played episode 19 yet, the boyfriend is not mentioned, as you are in that weird out-of-time situation where there is no boyfriend yet, and it doesn't feel as terrible. Yes, "you" are still kissing someone you may not like for the sake of the outfit/illustration with no option to opt out, but at the same time, it's quite mild and it is just a dream... I wish it had been like that for accounts past episode 19 as well. This version leaves a sour taste in my mouth and knocks my Erika LOM meter down a few notches. Yes, I understand it's a dream, and I'm fully aware people dream really weird stuff sometimes, where you do things you'd never do in real life and have no control over yourself, but she doesn't even show any embarassment or regret upon waking up. I also do not identify with the MC in this kind of game so I'm mighty fine with disliking her or her actions (not the first time~~~); I would probably not have minded a situation like this for the story's sake. It would have been interesting to explore (although, I'm always a bit scared about trusting Beemoov with this stuff, they can't handle it very well). But it is supposed to be a cute valentine event, and it would have taken so little to make this more palatable for everyone. Was it really necessary to add this tiny bit of angst?

Overall opinion: I know I criticized a lot, this event was probably among the ones I've liked the least, mostly for the excessive cost and some debatable choices on the story. I did like some things though, including using the alchemy minigame (I know I'm in the minority here :p), mostly because it requires no skill, something that has caused issues in the past - minigames hard to play on touch screens, color impairments, etc., etc. - and I liked the fact that they removed Daily gates - the fact you couldn't advance past the missions of the day unless you paid. This event could be completed in a day if you wanted, and with a bit of luck without spending a single gold coin, that was nice. I'm not sure I would like another event like this, but there was some potential that I hope won't be immediately discarded.

Loved the best (ranked 1st to 4th + Bonus to be fair since I listed 5 things I dislike XD): 1. I LOVE THE TIMER ON THE CORNER, underappreciated little bastard *heart* 2. No daily gates, you could finish the entire event in one day or in 12, without spending extra money. 2. The mini-episode at the end. The idea of it at least, I've already said I don't like some of the... content. 3. No luck with explorations? You can finish the event with maana. It's nice that you can use maana (and not gold coins) to finish the event if you are unlucky or don't have enough time. 4. No hard-to-do minigames (I've never had an issue with them, but I've heard of hundreds of people who did.) 5. The background and the companion were overly cute.

Hated the beast (ranked 1st to 4th + Special guest star): 1. Companion in Gold coins only, my biggest disappointment 2. The whole cheating thing. Why? Was it needed? 3. Having to pay maana for an event, when the ones before were all free 4. Disregarding personal taste, I don't think Valkyon outfit was suited for a Valentine day date. 5. And once again, the bugs. I just... don't... have... any polite words left for it. It's last only because it's featured in every single event, so it has lost the novelty effect.

#purrsonal

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the-bounce-back · 5 years

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“NEW MOMENT, NEW ME” - WHY WAITING FOR A NEW YEAR TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE IS A SCAM

Let me guess - you’re one of those “New Year, New Me!” merchants. Right?

As much as I hate to admit it, it takes one to know one. I’ll gladly “New-Year-New-Me” everyone’s ears off, in an overly cheery, Caucasian American teenage girl romcom voice. I’ll say it partially to annoy whoever is in my company at the time, but also secretly because I really want to believe that a year fading into another year adds more significance to our lives than just another birthday.

Just like everyone else, I make a huge list of resolutions of things I’m not happy with and want to improve upon in the coming year...and when I fail, I just postpone them to the next year.

Losing weight. Going to the gym more. Managing money better. Doing the splits (sigh). Being happier. Hell, even starting this blog has been a resolution for the past couple years (and here I am. We move.)

I’ve gone on like this for so long that it’s second nature now. But this year, I know for a fact it will be different for me - and hopefully you can take some ideas from this, too!

I’ll start off by saying that the end of 2017 and a vast majority of 2018 was the worst time in my entire life. My mental health was absolutely horrendous. I could barely get through the day without either crying, drinking, overthinking or overeating (or all four) and at some times I genuinely didn’t think I’d even make it to 2019. And to be honest, it’s not surprising - I was stuck in a city I only tolerated because my ex had to move there before things ended between us, surrounded by people that knew him and places that reminded me of him, and every day I was waking up to go to a job that I despised and didn’t challenge me. Who wouldn’t be miserable?!

It had been a particularly bad day when I finally snapped and told myself I couldn’t go on like this. I’d had enough of feeling stuck, depressed, worthless and completely stagnant in all aspects of my life. Looking back on it today, I still can’t even fathom how I put up with feeling that way for so long. However, I do have a few theories that were very hard to admit to myself, and that might be hard for you to accept about your own situations, too.

The first one is:

I put up with it because although I was feeling like sh*t, I was comfortable and wasn’t ready to give that up before.

Whew. Such violence. But probably true.

I could go on and on about my own situation, but to make it easier to follow I’ll apply this theory to a popular New Years resolution - losing weight/working out more.

When you’re overweight, you know in the back of your mind that you’re not healthy. You can see all the little signs - your clothes are getting tight, you’re out of breath from walking, you might have physical pains. But you’re alive, breathing and functioning - and this fact alone is enough to make you feel like skipping a workout or cheating on a meal won’t be the end of the world. But it all adds up - and one day, you find it hard to get out of bed and collapse.

All because you didn’t push yourself out of your comfort zone and to the gym. How tragic.

I avoided having to change earlier because the effort to change seemed harder than the situation I was in.

More tea to burn my tongue on, yikes. Also most likely true.

Continuing with the losing weight simile - when you’re out of shape, you might have some minor problems. Nothing too serious, but big enough for you to notice them and understand that something needs to be done. However, when cardio day approaches you’re suddenly a body positivity activist and want to embrace your body as it is.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with this if you’re truly happy with your body - in which case, congratulations. However, we both know you’re just saying this to avoid working out - because why have losing weight as a resolution if you’re already happy? Liar.

I was waiting for a nEw StArT or magic sign that this was the time to make changes.

Ok, this is a straight up personal attack on myself now - but chances are that you, as a fellow chronic New Years Resolutioner, can also relate.

We wait for a new beginning - whether it be a new day, new week, new month or new year, because we feel like making changes would be wrong to just do within a passing moment. Is a diet even a diet if it doesn’t start on a Monday, or - even better - tomorrow? You can’t just start a diet halfway through a Wednesday? Right?!

Letting go of this notion is what helped me turn my life around - and probably even saved me.

The moment I decided that I’d had enough of just accepting my situation, accepted that it would take hard work and a lot of patience to make changes and started planning, I could physically feel the dark and heavy pressure lifting from my chest. That’s when I knew that I had made the right choice.

In the last few months of 2018, I accomplished the following:

I finally quit my job.

I secured my dream job in another city.

I finally made peace with my former relationship and was able to let go.

I finally made this blog where I can share my experiences and advice with others that might be going through similar things (without being anxious that no one would read it).

In other words, the decision to change in that moment really changed my life - and I didn’t even have to wait until the following Monday for it to take action. This is also why I’ll never allow myself to be in a situation where I’m not happy ever again - regardless of if it’s a job, a relationship...or the realisation that I’ve cheated on my diet for the 3rd day in a row.

The moment I feel the urge to change something, I will. What’s the point of postponing your happiness? We literally have everything to gain and nothing to lose by taking action immediately in the moment.

“New Moment, New me!”

Despite somehow sounding even more cheery-Caucasian-American-teenage-girl-romcom than the other saying, this will be my mantra from now on.

Until, of course, I can confidently scream “New Year, same me because I’m perfect!”, like my friend Vanessa.

An energy we should all strive towards, to be honest.

Here’s to hoping that we all find the strength to take charge of our lives, and to ward off the spirit of procrastination! Happy New Year!

Love,

Liv

#opinions #selfhelp #goals

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hazlouquitefinished · 6 years

Note

C, if Louis has a one and done album deal with Syco, why do you think he hasn't rushed to get it out, so the contract with them would be over sooner?

Hey, friend! Thanks for the message.

Before I start, we have no way of 100% knowing the exact terms of the deal. I hesitate to comment on this too much for that reason. I’ll share a few thoughts, though.

Number one, it frustrates me that some people still assume a debut solo album isn’t a big deal for Louis. It’ll be one of the most important events of his solo career; we need to step back from 1D days, where we were used to the unbelievably draining “one album a year” routine. That kind of turnaround is not normal. I’d be really sad to know that some people think of him as the kind of artist to rush such an important milestone, Syco circumstances aside.

We know how important his music is to him, and we know how seriously he takes these kinds of things - this will be a debut to the world, not just to the fans. So many people are going to be listening to it and evaluating him as an artist based on that one body of work - of course he’s going to spend a lot of time on it, even if he does have a “one and done” deal.

That said - sure, there absolutely could be other influencing factors, but before I get into those, I want to reiterate: Louis isn’t the kind of artist to rush out a debut solo album, regardless of circumstances. This fact is obvious based on his work ethic and devotion to his craft alone.

Moving on!

Album Release Date Speculation

Does anyone remember back when he first started talking about the album during the summer, and how he initially mentioned it could be out in late 2017?

In an interview with MTV UK during the summer, he said:

“In my head, I’m like 80% done with the album […] In an ideal world, it’s [out at] the end of the year.”

That quickly changed into “probably next year”, and then “early 2018″, and now maybe toward the end of the first quarter of 2018. Again, these kinds of delays are totally normal and could 10000% be due to the creative process alone.

Lots of news outlets used quotes from that same MTV UK interview all through the summer and fall as the release date moved out further - this next quote in particular when it started to look like the album wouldn’t be out until 2018:

“I’m very much a perfectionist. But I am nervous about it, because I want it to be as good as it can be, obviously. […] I’ve got an idea, and a vision, and a message; what to get across. It’s a difficult thing actually doing that across a body of work [on] an album. I’m nervous, but also really excited for the fans to hear it.”

Example from People’s Choice, September 2017:

As you’ll notice, he’s been evasive with putting an exact date or even month on it. I think that that’s, of course, at least partly due to the perfectionism aspect. Wouldn’t you want your debut solo album to be 1000% perfect, especially with the pressure he must be under?

Also: as I mentioned earlier, we can only touch the surface of how hard it must have been to record and tour simultaneously in 1D. Putting out an album a year must’ve been unbelievably difficult & draining. I think all of the guys are absolutely entitled to having more time to focus on the creative process, yet I only see people criticizing that when it comes to Louis. Sigh.

Other Possible Influencing Factors

I do think there could be (at least minor) influencing factors. There’s plenty of reasons why a record company might push back an album release date.

More on that under the cut.

Comparison #1: Liam

Let’s take a brief pause and look at Liam. He’s doing the same thing as Louis - taking time to work on his debut album. I know he’s signed to a different label altogether, but let’s generally compare.

Via a Universal press release in mid-November, his album release date was initially announced to be January 12th, 2018.

While this wasn’t officially confirmed, it’s safe to say that a press release is far more reliable than, say, an update account assuming a date.

On the 3rd of December, however, Liam told a reporter at the Jingle Ball that he had a finished album, and he only wanted to change “one or two songs” because of some producers he’d met.

Side note: two days later, it was announced that Camila Cabello’s debut album would be out on January 12, taking that spot from Liam. As I’ve said before, I don’t have a lot of knowledge about Liam’s promo, but he seems to do (at least recently) some cross-promo for Camila in interviews and the like. This may be related to them both being on the Jingle Bell Ball circuit, or possibly because she’s still a Syco artist.

Usually, Syco/Sony doesn’t shy away from having multiple drops on one day, but they seem to be really pushing solo Camila. If we’re looking at alternative reasons for an album date being pushed besides perfecting the sound – Perhaps Sony/Syco wanted the overlapping fans from Liam’s fanbase and her fanbase to focus only on her debut album.

I just found it interesting that his album got pushed back right before hers was announced, especially after his was announced via press release. It’s certainly possible that it’s just a coincidence, of course - they’re not labelmates, but as I mentioned, there are a few ties connecting them.

A week later on the 10th, Liam had more comments about the release date of his album:

“I wish I knew. It was almost done and then I decided I wanted to do something a bit different and push the boundaries. I’ve met some new producers that I really like, and I have a ballad-y kind of thing coming out with somebody, so that’ll be really cool.”

I noticed that a few of the Liam blogs I follow were wondering about that rationale, but again - I don’t want to comment too much on his stuff because I’m far less well-versed in his babygate and PR circumstances.

So, to summarize -

His album could’ve been pushed to accommodate Camila’s release, maybe due to both of their ties to Syco (hers current, his past) and competition between their similar fanbases. It also could’ve been pushed by the release of “For You” if he was a late add to the soundtrack, though that came out on the 5th, so it seems odd that that would be the reason. It also, of course, could’ve been pushed because he simply wanted to work more on it, even though it was finished at one point.

It could’ve been none of these reasons, and it could be a similar situation to this next comparison - who knows for sure!

Comparison #2: Sky Ferreira

Here’s a similar example from Sky Ferreira, who had a finished album that was then pushed back after it was complete:

Pic quality is grainy, sorry - basically, the actual album wasn’t released until late 2013, though it was planned for 2011. Sky was signed to Capitol - Liam’s label - so this is more relevant as a comparison to Liam than Louis, but it’s a similar situation.

In 2014, she had this to say about Capitol:

But it almost wasn’t to be. According to Ferreira, Capitol Records intended to release a different album this fall made up of songs she’d worked on with various collaborators. “It was okay,” the singer said, “but I wasn’t really proud of it.” (Lance Turner, who handles marketing at Capitol, said, “We’ve always supported Sky’s creative vision.”)

At the last minute, Ferreira persuaded the label to allow her to make her own record — provided she could work fast enough to meet a predetermined release date. So she recruited a pair of L.A.-based producers, Justin Raisen and Ariel Rechtshaid, and together they banged out “Night Time, My Time” in a 21/2-week burst of writing and recording.

“I felt like I was on a cocaine binge the whole time,” Raisen said. “We just got into this state of mind and went for it. There was no second-guessing.”

That sounds extremely familiar to Liam’s situation, doesn’t it? The album changed at the last second, added new producers, and Capitol is involved. Not making any claims, just drawing parallels here.

For context, Sky had a complicated relationship with her label, and there was friction behind the scenes over creative differences.

She said, “I do a lot of stuff behind their back. I have to because nobody ever listens to me! I do have supporters at the label, but I still have to deal with a lot of people who are like: ‘Er, I don’t want to spend that money on her.’"

Additionally, Capitol ended up recalling the finished album altogether - allegedly because of the cover. This blog compared the recall of Sky’s cover to a nearly-identical album cover made by Blind Faith in the 70s:

So, why is it that an album cover that was certainly controversial, but allowed to exist in the marketplace for 50 years, is suddenly deemed too racy and pulled from circulation? If one didn’t know better, one would almost think that it never existed in the first place.Sadly, the same fate awaits Sky Ferreira’s new album, which has just been recalled by Capitol Records due to the subject matter of the album cover. Keep in mind that the label had no problem releasing the album a mere two months ago with the original cover art.

As a result of the album being pulled, it sold far less than expected and Sky was dropped from Capitol.

Okay, so now we’ve made a few comparisons:

Liam’s on a similar timeline, and there’s curiosity surrounding his delay as well. (I use “delay” for lack of a better term because, again, this turnaround time wouldn’t be unusual to other artists.)

Sky Ferreira’s album was delayed because of friction with her label, demonstrating that albums can indeed be delayed for that reason.

Back to Lou:

1) Louis is a self-proclaimed perfectionist when it comes to his craft. An album a year is not the norm for most artists, so him taking the time to perfect his debut solo album shouldn’t be all that unusual.

2) That said, there’s a possibility that there are other influencing factors at play.

Influence 1: More general mismanagement.

Quote from below about JoJo’s mismanagement, which rendered her unable to release new material. One of her albums was rewritten and rerecorded three times over, but not released for years after the fact.

“One of those extreme situations where you have [a label exec] who is one of those guys who would just go to war and say, 'No, I’m not doing it,’” says David Byrnes, a partner at Ziffren Brittenham, whose firm has represented clients like Michael Jackson, The Rolling Stones, and Fleetwood Mac.

Influence 2: “Starving out” dedicated fans by limiting the flow of content.

@theyrereallyawful made a great post about the content starvation occurring, so check that out if you haven’t yet! Especially compared to the other guys, Louis’ team severely lacks in delivering content that is consistent, shareable, and easy to find. This has been happening for a long time, and (if they are intentionally pushing the album back) that could be another example of content starvation.

Liam’s digital content agency, WMA, has spoken about this very topic:

“One of the key learnings is that, for an audience like Liam’s, there is never too much content or too much you can do.”

So, overall:

To answer anon’s original question - Louis isn’t the type of artist to rush through an album release just to get it out there, especially not his debut solo album.

I don’t think there’s much of a delay in its release in the first place - or at least not one that would be unusual compared to other artists. I think Louis is definitely a perfectionist, and he’s certainly under a lot of pressure from a lot of people to deliver a good solo debut. If he takes a little extra time perfecting his album, so be it.

However:

I do concede - based on his team’s shitty, shitty history - that there could be other influencing factors at play. Namely, pushing the album back when it’s already finished could serve to starve out fans and/or could be an example of more general mismanagement.

The thing that makes me curious about that option is Louis’ wording in the first MTV UK interview –

“In an ideal world, it’s [out] at the end of [2017].”

All I know is that it will be out when it’s out, and I can’t wait to support and promote the fuck out of that masterpiece.😎

Beyond that, all we can really do is guess.

#here I am responding to a one-sentence question with an entire masterpost #asks

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crystalsnowmins · 6 years

Text

Yoonmin Scenario #10

2k words of fluff again because I'm too soft for hard shit.

* * *

New Year!AU, In which Jimin get into an accident on New Year’s Day and Yoongi looks so distraught seeing his boyfriend all injured, but Jimin seems to think it’s all funny and he is laughing his ass off at Yoongi’s choice of attire. It hurts his ribs when he laughs. And Yoongi wants to kill Jimin anyway. (But not really).

Yoongi sighs umpteenth time as he gets off the phone with one of the clients from Australia. He groans when stretching his body and looks at the time. Still 17.30 pm. It seems like as the midnight is approaching for a new year, the time is stilling or rather going extremely slow.

He can’t wait to go home to his boyfriend and just spend a new start with him. Even on the 31st of December, 2017, Yoongi is still at the office working his ass off because people find holidays to fucking inquire and get their anger off onto some stranger on the phone. And isn’t it great?

He has sent almost half of his staff to go back for New Year, because he’s not heartless, not until Jimin came into his life and took him into a whirlwind. To others, he has become tolerable but still a universal asshole of a boss. And isn’t it nice to hear that from your own PA aka your childhood friend?

And although, Park Jimin sweetly asked him to stay, bribed him with seduction and lot of kisses and cuddles, he just couldn’t because, “Would you want your boss to party while you all are working your ass off?” And Jimin kept quiet, understanding Yoongi’s situation as well. So he sent him off with a sweet kiss and a promise to meet soon.

That soon is taking a lot of time and Yoongi almost wished he was back home, cuddled with his love instead of hearing complaints from the clients. But hey! He’s gonna take for the team because isn’t that what CEO of the company does? ISN'T IT?!

Yoongi slams his fist on the table.

His, oh so lovely, boyfriend has sent so many selcas of his that it’s not helping the situation. He’s teasing the fuck out of him with messages as such:

-Missing you, hyung ☹️☹️☹️

-Danbi feeling down because daddy is not here to cuddle us. (With a photo of Danbi aka their cat and Jimin cuddling together.)

And oh, how Yoongi wishes he was holding and cuddling them.

-Hwaiting, Yoongi! (With a picture of Jimin fisting his hands and smiling preciously.)

That was an hour ago when Yoongi was so frustrated with the image that he replied he’s going to kill everyone and run home to Jimin. It took his boyfriend to reply back in 15 minutes the last message.

But that was not the last message because Jimin has sent one more when Yoongi was on phone.

From Jiminie ☀️

-Hyung, I forgot the pie. I’m going to buy some. I’ll see you at home.

P.S. come home and ditch everyone, please.

Yoongi sighs.

To Jiminie ☀️

-Sure, sunshine. Drive safely.

It was around 22:45 when Yoongi was allowed to go home and send everyone home as well. He has never felt so happy in his life, going back home to his lovely boyfriend. When he arrives, he loosens his tie and call out for Jimin but hear no response, so he moves further into the kitchen, hoping he’ll find Jimin there, but to his surprise, the younger wasn't there as well but he left a note.

If I am late, then don’t worry. You know how I venture out during holidays, but I promise to return soon.

Till then freshen up and wait for me!

Love you xx

So Yoongi exactly does that, he takes a steaming shower until the bathroom is fogged up. He comes out with a towel wrapped around his waist and goes for his closet to take out his night attire. Now Jimin is usually not an expensive boyfriend, but he likes holidays a little too much and he buys things that match holidays, not that Yoongi minds but he definitely minds a pair of night suit with bears on it and happy new year written everywhere.

He contemplates before deciding to wear it. Whatever makes Jimin happy. So he takes the pant and only when he’s about to wear it, there are impatient knocks and continuous doorbell rings. He frowns and moves out to the hall to open the door, simultaneously, wearing his pajamas for the night.

When he opens the door, there’s a wild and very worn out looking Hoseok.

“Please don’t tell me there’s another glitch and we have to stay, I’m going insane here, it’s new-,” Yoongi starts to whine in his throat

“Yoongi,” Hoseok calmly calls him. “It’s Jimin,” Is all he says and wait for Yoongi’s reaction who only frowns.

“Jimin?” Yoongi looks behind to see his boyfriend but finds no one. But Hoseok is shaking his head no, face looking distressed. Same, Yoongi thinks.

“He’s at the hospital, Yoongi,” Hoseok stresses, getting an incoming call but ignoring it.

“I never liked you being dramatic, why is Jimin at the hospital?” Yoongi rushedly says and feels the nerves start to kick in and he hopes it’s not what he think-

“He was in an accident, his car-,” And suddenly Yoongi is wearing his shirt from today and rushing out from home with Hoseok.

They settle in Yoongi’s car and he bounces his leg in anticipation and bites on his nails (a bad habit that Jimin has been trying to get rid of). Apparently, Jimin’s phone has been damaged during the accident, so when he reached the hospital, he gave Taehyung’s number for a family. And then Taehyung informed everyone.

“He’s fine,” Hoseok hopefully provides, which didn't work because the driver was slow due to snow and also new year’s traffic.

“Fuck, shit!” Yoongi growls and holds his own things.

“Yoongi, calm down. Tae says he’s okay, minor injuries, nothing to be worried about. He’s fine.” Hoseok says, constantly on phone with Taehyung as Yoongi left his in the office.

“He’ll be dead, when I see him,” Yoongi grits.

When they finally reach the hospital, Yoongi taps his shoes impatiently as the receptionist takes his sweet time to tell the room number. When they finally find the room number, Yoongi is sprinting off, as if he didn’t reach soon, Jimin will leave, or is in too much pain without Yoongi by his side

But when he opens the door, the brat is laughing with Taehyung and Jungkook. He sees Yoongi and smiles brighter at his boyfriend, “Yoongi-hyung!” He greets, looking like he didn’t have a fucking car accident.

Like Hoseok said, he doesn’t look terrible, his face a small scar on his hairline, which he’s going to bitch about it for long, and his lips are busted. He has a neck brace but he looks fine, doesn’t look like he’s dying and that’s a relief. He sighs at the young man but then hardens his glare and Jimin pouts, knowing what’s to come.

“You fuc-,”

“Hyung wait!” Jimin puts out his tiny palm in front of him, “Before you say anything,” He bites his lips as if stifling his laughs and Yoongi groans, “What the hell are you wearing?” And then he’s bursting out in laughter along with others, even Hoseok, who tried his best to not laugh all the way.

Yoongi looks irritated but then he looks down at his attire and realises. He feels the blush coming onto his cheeks, making him feel hot. He’s fucking wearing those bear pajama, his crunched office shirt and a very expensive Armani shoes without socks. What a fashionista.

“Shut up, Park Jimin,” Yoongi mutters irritably and glares at him which makes him stop and hit Taehyung to stop him as well.

“I’m sorry?” Jimin provides.

“Sorry wouldn't cut the shit!” Yoongi scoffs.

“But I’m okay!” Jimin protest.

“And what if something could have happened terribly?” Yoongi asks, silencing every little talk around. “On the starting of a new year, that too!” He exaggerates. “Then what?” He glares at Jimin who was looking down in guilt.

“But I’m okay,” He repeats quietly. “I’ve sprained my neck, but it’s nothing terrible, hyung,” Jimin explains and holds Yoongi’s arm with both his hands.

“Why did you even have to go out?” Yoongi knows there’s no point in arguing when Jimin is okay but does he fucking wants to start a fight with the younger! His anger is solely due to the worry and terrible thoughts in his mind for Jimin. Things could have gotten wrong, things could have turned out terrible, he would-

“I told you I’ll be buying some pie,” Jimin reminds and Yoongi knows that but it was a rhetorical question anyway. “You like pie,” He whispers, smiling innocently at Yoongi.

“I like you a little too much,” Yoongi mutters with a scowl and Jimin smiles prettily, doe-like eyes sparkling even in this situation. Yoongi would like to think its because of him and not because Park Jimin is naturally a happy and positive person. Jimin pulls him closer until Yoongi his touching his sides.

“I’m really okay, hyung. I promise. I know you were worried, but I’m here and alive and not going anywhere.” He promises and Yoongi sighs, taking his other hand and running through Jimin’s hair and the younger closes his eyes.

“Why didn't you call me?” He bitterly mumbles and gives a sideways glance to Taehyung who nervously looks away.

“Because I know you’d be worried and having a heart attack on the way.” He jokes and Yoongi glares but also thinks Jimin is right. He might have died before he could’ve killed Jimin first. “Plus, you had a packed schedule, I didn’t-,”

“You dare finish that sentence and I will cut your tongue,” Yoongi warns and Jimin gives a nervous chuckle, before zipping up his lips and throwing the imaginary key.

“I was hoping to get out of this without you finding it, so I didn’t call you.” Jimin clarifies calmly.

“Oh yeah?” Yoongi sarcastically asks and moves back, taking his hand away from Jimin’s hold and hair. “With that big ass neck brace, you could have fooled me,” His glare is as intent as Jimin’s pout and as much as Yoongi wants to cuddle Jimin and take care of him, he’s just too angry at Jimin being ignorant.

“Yoongi-,” Hoseok calls carefully.

“No!” Yoongi says, “Don't take this brat’s side, especially you, Hoseok-ah!” He points at him and Hoseok surrenders, raising his hands and moving back, giving an apologetic smile to Jimin who understands because nobody wants to lose their job even though he wouldn’t.

“Things could have gone terribly! Don’t you realize that Jimin! I’m worried sick here because you were being careless and something could have happened to you. Do you think it’s a joke? Do you know what I felt when Hoseok told me? I felt numb, I thought I lost you. Do you know how-,” And then somewhere a loud ring goes off, interrupting Yoongi’s lecture.

“Whose-,” But before he could ask, he’s suddenly pulled by Jimin and feeling his lips. He shocked for exactly 10 seconds, registering what is happening when he hears shouting from outside, shouts of celebration. Oh, god. It’s 2018 now! Jimin is still kissing him without any response from the older.

“Hyung…,” Jimin whispers against his lips, due to lack of response and Yoongi is cupping his cheeks and kissing in properly for the first time in 2018. They move without any rush, although Yoongi is pressing his lips hard against Jimin. The latter rests his hands on Yoongi’s and gave it squeeze of assurance.

“I could’ve lost you tonight,” Yoongi mumbles, breaking their kiss.

“Hyung, happy new year,” Jimin mumbles, moving forward to steal another kiss to which Yoongi reciprocated faster this time.

“Gross, okay. Disgusting.” Jungkook scrunches his nose up at the PDA. Yoongi gives him the finger.

“Happy new year, baby.” Yoongi smiles and looks at his boyfriend. “Let’s make this year ours this time as well, hmm?” Jimin eagerly nods. “I love you,” He whispers so that only Jimin hearts and kisses him again.

“I love you too, Yoongi-hyung.” Jimin genuinely says, “Now move, because my lips are numb.” He points cutely at his busted lips and Yoongi nods, standing up and caressing his face.

“Go home, kids. I’ll be here. Enjoy with your family or whatever. Happy new year!” Yoongi says to them with a thankful look and they nod, standing and leaving.

“And I wasn’t even speeding hyung!” Jimin complains that night when they have shifted him to a VIP room. Only the best for his baby. Yoongi holds him closely as he tells his story. “It skid and crashed against a pole and then a car comes from other side and hit mine—yours, so I sprained my neck.” He tightens when he heard another car crashing into Jimin’s, it could have been a different vehicle, something bigger.

“But I’m really okay, that man helped and apologised and took me to the hospital, so I’m fine.” Yoongi hums and tries to shake off any negative feelings.

“What a way to start new year huh? In a hospital,” Jimin carefully turns to Yoongi who opens his eyes to the movement.

“What? With an awesome makeout?” He cheekily says and presses his lips against to Yoongi’s for a reminder. Yoongi gives one of his gummy smiles to Jimin and flicks his forehead.

“Brat,” He mutters blissfully.

“But your car is kinda fucked up, I hope insurance covers it up,” Jimin opens a few buttons on Yoongi’s shirt and rest his palms on his naked chest.

“I don’t care about the car,” Yoongi sleepily mumbles.

Jimin smiles.

“Okay,” He whispers and kisses him some more before deciding to sleep as well.

When Jimin was allowed to discharge the next morning, Yoongi embarrassingly mumbles on his phone for a change of clothes. Because surely Yoongi came in this horrible fashion but he won’t leave like one as well.

Jimin was laughing from his hospital bed to which Yoongi rolls his eyes.

“Imagine if somebody capturing this, CEO of one of the biggest fashion magazine having an awesome clothing style,” Yoongi gives him a middle finger with a sarcastic smile.

When Hoseok arrives, Yoongi changes in the bathroom, looking more like himself. Jimin changes as well with the help of Yoongi, while Hoseok brings out the car in front of the hospital.

“Jimin-ah,” Yoongi says, looking at Jimin now with hand clutches together to Yoongi’s. “Let’s not get into any accidents, okay?” He squeezes Jimin's hand as if trying to tell his emotions. Jimin nods.

“No promises, hyung.” He winks and skips to the car.

“Aish, this brat,” Yoongi grumbles fondly.

* * *

I swear I'm going to write so much angst next, I've got the plot ready for yall. Wait for it!

#yoonmin #suji #yoongi #jimin #yoonmin scenarios #yoonmin au #bts #namjoon #taehyung #jungkook #hoseok #seokjin #ceo au #sorta #not really #fluff #mild angst #jimin is a little shit #YMSN1

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tiodilibil1971 · 3 years

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someone hit me with no insurance

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes from different companies :insurancecostfinder.xyz

someone hit me with no insurance

someone hit me with no insurance or someone with my car. I was not at fault in the accident. I have paid for damages to my own vehicles, medical bills and lost wages. I have no car and my parents have insurance and I can not be 100% certain because they were in a car accident not because of this policy, but because I’ve not paid anything. My car has accumulated no personal information since October. My car insurance is only effective on the legal minimum coverage. As long as I am insured in the state of Illinois, I am good and stable. There are a lot of factors I’ve neglected, such as the fact that I had an accident that I didn’t intend to hit. It was my fault because I was not sure if I wanted to be sued by someone and someone with this insurance. I’m trying to get myself the damages I need but there are some issues and that is just an excuse. Can anyone help me. Please Help us. someone hit me with no insurance. ArizonaAllstateNo-fault insurance ASIAAA (Atlanta, GA)No-fault insurance AlfaSouthwest (Atlanta, GA)West West-West auto insurance AlturasAAA (Atlanta, GA)West-West auto insurance AmicaWest (Orange, OR)West-West car insurance AmicaAAA (Redwood City, CA)West-West car insurance AllstateWest (Orange, OR)West-West car insurance EsuranceWest (Orange, OR)West-West car insurance FarmersWest (Orange, OR)West-West car insurance GeicoWest (Orange, OR)West-West car insurance HighmarkWest (Orange, OR)West-West car insurance MidwestWestWest (Orange, OR)West-West car insurance OneidaWest (Orange, OR)West-Northwest car insurance M. someone hit me with no insurance to replace my car. The police report and the state reports said the accident occurred on February 23rd. I was at the scene as soon as I got there. I took pictures of their car on my camera, took one hit and then found the other vehicle. I told the police that I did not know why the other driver didn’t leave a lot for their car. They were just driving me. The officer told me that the person on the video was definitely the driver of my car. I gave him my statement. I was told I will keep the police report. I told him that I had to take pictures if there is any sign of the vehicle. It has been over 2 weeks, I still have no results but will be looking into it. My mother is working for a large insurance company and the company got a letter telling me their car was in the wrong place even though the driver did not want insurance. Is there anything I can do? It is only a year.

Someone hit my car whose insurance do I call?

Someone hit my car whose insurance do I call? No. Please tell me it’s possible I was at fault. I could have a claim against someone else but as I don’t know at the level of the other person, I’m not sure. Is a person covered under car insurance? If I’m an insurance company I can not give a difference of any kind. I am not an insurance company. You are not allowed to drive in a car that is not owned by the insurer. The policy will be under the name of the person who owns the vehicle. I am not sure what insurance you have is called a comprehensive policy . However, if something goes wrong before then, you should probably change the name on the policy. The company should do your part, contact the insurer and ask to change the name. There may be a few claims about insurance contracts in a small town. However, we are not in such a small town.

What Happens If The Person Who Caused The Accident Doesn’t Have Insurance?

What Happens If The Person Who Caused The Accident Doesn’t Have Insurance? When a person causes an accident that was caused by the person else’s insurance, your coverage might end. Or when you’re not covered by an insurance policy, you could be liable to the person whose car is damaged in an accident you caused. If your policy covers damage to someone else’s car in an accident you caused, but your uninsured motorist coverage won’t cover the compensation you would get should your uninsured driver try to sue. In this case, you’ll have to prove your uninsured motorist coverage is adequate and it was written off as a separate policy. With Underinsured / Uninsured Motorist Coverage, you’re looking at a policy that has limits of $5,000 if a single person causes an accident that you’re responsible for, and $15,000 in bodily injury and property damage. If you’re in a not-at-fault accident that is covered by your insurance, it.

Should I call the other driver’s insurance company?

Should I call the other driver’s insurance company? Yes. Your insurance agent should tell you what kind of coverages and limits you should buy if you want to be covered, but don’t buy it all at the same time. Many insurers have their own that you should check, and you won’t find that your coverages are always adequate despite the fact that you have a history of auto accidents or traffic violations. If you get hit by a driver without insurance, what are some steps you can take to minimize the risk of not getting the right coverage if you have an accident? In some circumstances, you should not do too much to improve your odds of being covered by your insurance company. Some ways would be more than a couple of simple steps. Even after a car accident, you’re still responsible for the damage to the other car or drivers vehicle, which will require major repairs or reconstruction. Even if you purchase additional coverage, it can be a great way to reduce the damage to your own vehicle. For.

So what happens if the other driver in an accident isn’t insured?

So what happens if the other driver in an accident isn’t insured? Or is a higher insurance limit required? If the person has no car insurance at all, in which case it will be up to the other driver to determine who is at fault in an accident you caused. Most automobile insurance companies will consider every car you use a vehicle for insurance purposes, but you only need to include them if you know you’re the “high driver” or the driver you feel was acting in an unsafe way. You do what’s called . To learn more, we’ll take a closer look at the types of car insurance, and see a few of the situations you’ll most likely find yourself in. When it comes to a car policy, a claim is the best way to make the insurance payments. When the claim is verified, the insurance company will pay out the coverage amount. However, there’s no guarantee that the insurance company will actually accept the claim. It can be hard to determine an individual driver’s.

What happens when the other driver is uninsured?

What happens when the other driver is uninsured? While under–insured motorist protection might still be a major issue for some drivers, it’s worth noting that the type of insurer you’re considering will vary from one state to another. For example, some insurers may not allow drivers with relatively minor violations to drive without car insurance while they’re in violation of the law. A comprehensive car insurance policy might be a better choice for drivers who rarely drive, and don’t have cars to rely on. You could also consider optional coverages like collision and comprehensive insurance, which are the main kinds of auto insurance for many drivers. According to National Insurance Crime Data Center, there were 1.2 million uninsured motorists in the U.S. in 2017 (latest available data). If you’re in the market for a new or used car, you’ll need to budget for more than just the vehicle’s sticker price. You’ll be on the hook for basic DMV fees like title,.

Not Enough Insurance to Cover Bills After an Accident

Not Enough Insurance to Cover Bills After an Accident Although this is a common phrase, the actual insurance will not take its course once the collision occurs. The insurance industry also considers what the driver has known since purchasing the policy. It is important to note that this definition also applies to the policyholder who is in the process of purchasing the auto insurance policy. This should be noted since the policyholder is expected to cover the property damage and the medical service portion of the policy. This is a very important insurance concept to consider. We agree with Mr. Noyes that people who are insured by an existing health insurance policy will not have to meet the $30,000 coverage threshold. To get such protection for a price they will really need an expanded policy. Also, if they can afford it they may purchase a more comprehensive insurance policy. We agree with Mr. Noyes that coverage will not change if the policyholder’s health or medical condition makes it necessary to purchase a comprehensive insurance policy. He also made it clear that comprehensive.

If you find yourself in an accident with an uninsured driver follow these three steps.

If you find yourself in an accident with an uninsured driver follow these three steps. After youâve identified the responsible driver, youâll need additional informationâand then a police reportâto file a police report. In that case, youâll need to file a police report. But, if the personinsured is uninsured (), youâll need to file a police report if the driver was the insured, as long as youâve identified his or her liability. Your property damage coverage will help cover whatever damages caused. It should cover the damage caused while youâre repairing your car, not the damages you cause during the collision.Property damage coverage might cover your carâs depreciation, or even if your car is in an accident with an uninsured driver.If thatâs the case, though, you might want to consider purchasing . It pays your losses, as.

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rachelratesmusic · 3 years

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folklore

folklore: Taylor Swift’s first album to be labelled Alternative, her second genre change since country to pop, this time from pop to alternative, or folk, but we definitely still have that country story-telling flare that Taylor has always capitalised from over her approximately 14 year career.

And her second album to not be capitalised, after reputation.

Track 1: the 1

First line of the album? “I’m doing good, I'm on some new shit.” Couldn’t think of a better lyric to start. New genre. New producer (Aaron Dessner of The National). New album. New Taylor. She’s doing good! Let’s go!

Track 2: cardigan

The ~delicate~ piano and Dessner production continues from track 1 to track 2, but this time, sonically, there’s an eerie-ness that emphasizes this sadness in the song, which is set from the perspective of someone who has been heartbroken, which Taylor herself has described a teenage love triangle, who’s story is told this track, track 8 august, and track 14 betty. The metaphors in the lyrics tell the story so maturely and beautifully, kind of like this teenage girl is far beyond her years... Maybe someone fairly recently turned 30 and had a lot of life experience…? Maybe Taylor’s most beautifully written lead single ever… Actually not maybe - definitely.

Track 3: the last great american dynasty

Another piano intro… ok… this is definitely sonically cohesive so far.

Oh! An 808 beat now. I’m head nodding! Oh… and she’s still storytelling… nice, that’s why it is called folklore. We take a slight turn here in terms of the mood instrumentally, but not really in terms of the lyrics, or this album's case, the stories being told. The mostly staccato piano chords contrasting the legato guitar slide fills along with the 808 electronic drum beat create a sort of light, bouncy, exhilaration, but what cleverly stops this exhilaration is the word painting where a minor chord is used on top of the second last word of the chorus, which is the word “ruining”, as well as a string section rising in volume to introduce us to the bridge, which is the climax of the story and the highlight of the song. Because in the bridge Taylor does what Taylor does best, which is the contribution of her own story through the lyrics, and that’s a part of the reason why we’re all devoted listeners.

Track 4: exile (featuring Bon Iver)

tbh... I’d never heard any Bon Iver music before this... I know, I know, I’m sorry. So on first listen I was ~low key~ startled at his hella low voice. But this song has grown on me. It can easily be compared to The Last Time on Taylor’s Red from 2012 where she duets with Gary Lightbody of Snow Patrol but I prefer exile. What makes this song imo is when Bon Iver sings the word “CRyin’” around the 2 minute and 20 second mark, which again like the last track, the bridge of this song is what you’re waiting for as a listener to take you to new heights, where both vocalists deliver here, with Bon Iver ~nearly~ belting and Taylor being the opposite responder at more of a soft, tender volume, they both deliver the two different sides of the story in two different captivating ways.

Track 5: my tears ricochet

Look… I’ll be honest again… This is... MY FAVOURITE TRACK.

The standout part of this song is it’s whole buildup and the lyrics. ---(come on, we’re talking about a Taylor Swift track 5 here, historically we know it’s going to be a standout in the lyric department and Taylor herself has described every track 5 of each of her albums to be her saddest songs) Also historically, Taylor fans know that this section of her albums are where the best lyrics are kept.

First track on this album to be produced by long time collaborator of Swift, Jack Antonoff, the track begins with vocal ‘ohs’ reminiscent for me, of Imogen Heap, where now I feel I have to mention when Taylor collaborated with her on Taylor’s standout track “Clean” on 1989 from 2014. While Heap’s work may be littered with vocoders and electronics, my tears ricochet is natural, and surrounds the listeners ears with panning and reverb like they’re in a room surrounded by echoing Taylors. Then she makes you feel like you have betrayed her with how far she lets in, both with her detailed lyrics and how she is singing with the pacing of the melody, stopping and starting.

The build up is really noticeable as the bridge starts and the thundering drums hammer home the idea that Taylor can’t go home and after all this building, she lets go on the words “stolen lullabies”, where you feel this sense of freedom when the backing vocals of the intro return before the last chorus and again, the outro of those surrounding vocals we know so well.

With lyrics like “and if I’m dead to you, why are you at the wake?” and “you wear the same jewels that I gave you, as you bury me.” my tears ricochet easily triggers chills. (literal chills)

Track 6: mirrorball

And now… we have stepped into the past. The tone and picking of the electric guitar in the intro and first verse take me right back to the 70s… when I wasn’t alive…

Anyway, it’s another song about her personal struggles around fame and trying to “fit in” and stand out, which she encompasses so elegantly in the metaphor of being a shiny, shimmery disco mirrorball.

And sorry, as much as I do love it… it is the one song I would skip if I had to… and sometimes it’s skipped by choice, which tells you it’s the weakest track on the album in my opinion, but not easy to live up to the previous track that is so intense, so it is nice to have a more chill take in music and lyrics, although the lyrics can be really thought provoking if you want them to be.

Side note: where are the drums in this song? To hear the kick drum I have to focus really hard, which can be a good thing if you’re looking for a chill song, like I said I was after my tears ricochet, but it’s not a good thing either...

Track 7: seven

Every single little detail of this song is so elegant. Aaron Dessner’s light touches on the piano and guitar as well as the accompanying string section are just guides for the vocals telling the story of the love shared between friends throughout childhood and how that love lasts, so long which Taylor describes so eloquently in my favourite lyric of the entire album, “passed down like folk songs, our love lasts so long.”

The slightly higher pitch and slightly hushed tone Taylor sings in as the song begins, is unlike anything she has sung before. It reminds me of her previous tracks “Sad Beautiful Tragic” from her fourth album Red from 2012 or “Safe and Sound'' from the The Hunger Games soundtrack, but those songs were hushed and low pitched.

Where she sings like this is labelled as the first verse by Genius, where everyone gets the lyrics to songs nowadays, but how the two contrasting melodies are sung, to me the first section or melody seemed like the chorus the first few times I listened, but the second section or melody is also the closing melody and it would make the most sense the end on a chorus. While this may be confusing, at least it is a bit to me, I’m glad that Taylor has strayed away from the traditional pop structure in this track which is another reason why seven really stands out to me.

Track 8: august

The third song to be produced by Antonoff, August is what I’m going to describe as a getaway song - and by that I mean there’s a certain urgency to the pacing because something wild is happening! Whether it’s robbing someone or something in “Getaway Car” from reputation (2017) or crying in the back of the car in Lover’s “Cruel Summer”, also both co-written and produced by Antonoff, August joins this exclusive club.

The chorus melody is pretty and bright - while it feels mature, at the same time it feels like I am hearing this story from a love struck teenager, which you’re supposed to as it’s a part of the teenager love triangle story Taylor has going through the album, with this being the point of view of the third person in the relationship.

August’s bridge is it’s invitation to my made up Getaway Song party, which is a very exclusive and elitist party. The urgency in the pacing to pump up the climax of the story she’s telling, is very much becoming a TS trademark, I’ll be very happy in the future to give out more invitations to the Getaway Song party.

Track 9: this is me trying

Not gonna lie… this is simply one of my favorites because I feel it! This is me trying dammit! At least I’m trying! But this is what Taylor Swift does best, when you have the same feelings or emotions as her, and she decides to express those emotions in song, you can feel like you’re not alone for a moment which can be freeing.

While not outstanding production wise, I feel I can let it pass, because I love Taylor’s storytelling and ability to depict the craving for wanting better of yourself and trying...

Track 10: illicit affairs

Where were these pre-pop Taylor acoustic guitars before on an album called folklore?! Taylor is a guitar girl and I need my pre-pop Taylor acoustic guitar instrumentals!

While the title clearly indicates the story’s substance, this track feels like it’s over in the blink of an eye, while yet again, the highlight of the track is the bridge. Personally, it’s my favourite of the album beating “my tears ricochet” and “august”. There’s just something about it’s steady beating progression and particularly the way she emphasises the words “kid” and “baby”. It draws you in to feel the pain of the story’s protagonist, as well as it makes you want to shout the lyrics to help the protagonist get some sort of justice.

Track 11: invisible string

The acoustic guitar continues, and I am overjoyed, but this time it’s different, where a muting technique is employed, with an accent on the highest pitch string, which isn’t muted to create a sort of release. While writing this description of the guitar, despite having already listened to the song a million times, I thought, the song is called Invisible String, a guitar has strings, and the muted are muted, or made to sound invisible? Nice word painting Taylor. It took me a second. (If it was even done on purpose.)

More on the actual “invisible string”, I love the metaphor of it which seems to be based on Chinese mythology’s “Red Thread of Fate”. Which you get a loose description of through the songs lyrics. Along with the previous track, “the 1”, “invisible string” sounds the most pop-like to me out of the entire album so far. This is because there is a clear difference between verse, chorus and bridge, where the chord pattern actually changes between each of the three. All of these things combined makes for one of my favourite tracks on the album. And lastly, how can I not mention the mentioning of her own song “Bad Blood” in the second verse?

Track 12: mad woman

I can’t help but think this is the grown up version of The Man. In saying that however, I don’t mean at all that The Man is not good - it brings up serious issues in a very dignified way.

But “mad woman” is a song all on her own with beautiful, but at the same time, dark instrumentation and lyrics that really make you think about what she's talking about, which is something slightly different to “The Man”. Whether it’s her core shaking lower register or her first use of an F bomb ever, it’s sure to catch your attention before she opens to the lyric “you made her like that”, and then the bridge, where I have probably mentioned before in this review, Taylor really opens up the story, while plainly stating, “you took everything from me.”

The sonic cohesion continues with the guitar in the back of chorus, very similar to TLGAD, which is peaking out as being a signature of Aaron production.

Track 13: epiphany

“Epiphany” stands out. In the best way, and if you’re a Taylor fan you’d expect it to, as track 13s have traditionally throughout her discography, being her lucky number.

I’m not going to lie, this is the hardest song to describe and rate. Because it is so different, and honestly, that is why I really love it. Strung out vocals in the verse, contrasted with more staccato vocals in the chorus, the wide, elongated instrumentation, behind those vocals, it’s easy to depict some sort of battlefield scene in your head. Which actually links to it’s one thing in common with the other tracks in this album.

And what is the one thing in common with the other tracks in this album? It’s storytelling. And this story’s substance really makes you think, continuing the tradition from “mad woman”, but with a completely different storyline focusing on and drawing together the harsh events of 2020 and a past war where Swift has stated that the track was also inspired by her serving grandfather.

Track 14: betty

“Betty” concludes the teenage love triangle trilogy of songs and stands out as one of the more pop-ier songs on the album. Like Bon Iver’s voice was a surprise on “exile”, the harmonica was a welcomed surprise on “betty”.

There are two components to this song that make it a great one, those being it’s clear instrumentation, and it's clear story. Let’s start with story, where I already said that this is the final chapter to the teenage love triangle story, I believe this song doesn’t need an explanation, because, and this is the last time I speak about storytelling, this one song is like a good book and tells the story (one side of it, that’s where the other songs come in) from beginning to end.

And then the instrumentation, which is just vocals and harmonica on top of a marvelous sea of all sorts of guitars, with the strumming acoustic keeping the beat, and electric swells. With this track being the only one that joins both Aaron Dessner and Jack Antonoff as producers, it’s not hard to imagine they’ve both just picked up guitars and added to Taylor’s charming story.

In the ending where we see a key change and slight change from the chorus lyrics to tie up the happy ending to the story, “betty” cannot not be compared to Taylor’s 2008 hit “Love Story” where in the ending the lyrics are changed to sum up and fit the joy of a happy ending.

Track 15: peace

This track begins with a pulse, which Dessner has described as Bon Iver inspired. This pulse then flutters away and leads into more guitar, and by this stage you should know it’s what I’m waiting for - but it’s a bass guitar taking the lead ostinato or riff this time. Even better, because it’s unexpected, a punch in the guts, they say, like a harmonica on a post country Taylor Swift album? I need to stop going on about the harmonica, this album is called folklore.

While this track illustrates the love shared with that one person, it is no “Lover” (the song) or “Love Story”. It’s like this is the real life side, or the grown up side to real love, with statements like, “sit with you in the trenches” and that one question, “would it be enough if I could never give you peace?” I think it really demonstrates how far she’s come, along with that pulse soundscape , bass guitar and piano towards the end makes for an uncomplicated lead to Taylor’s most thought provoking lyrics in a romantic based song ever as well as being probably her most sophisticated song ever.

The devil really is in the details with Taylor’s music, which is both super comforting and complicated at the same time, with references to past songs, and I’m not even going to start to explain how Taylor is obsessed with leaving her fans easter eggs, but it’s kind of funny how this album had pretty much zero easter eggs in the lead up to it. Now I’m feeling comforted again.

Track 16: hoax

Speaking of feeling comfortable - shh. I’m listening to “hoax”, sitting next to the fire burning in my fireplace, wrapped in a blanket, with snow falling ever so softly out my window. Nope, that’s just the image in my head I get from listening to “hoax”, I live in Australia where it doesn’t snow much.

“hoax” is slightly lackluster dynamically for an album closer in Taylor’s discography, compared to Daylight from Lover or Clean from 1989 with New Years Day from reputation being the exception, which I also feel is slightly lackluster. Based on it’s soft sound, I’d prefer it wasn’t the album closer, even though it is lovely to feel so cozy as the album does close out.

But besides that, it is a cozy sounding song with some not so cozy lyrics. Closing out softly, it’s another case of Taylor leaving possibly her best and most beautiful words for last, with lyrics such as, “Stood on the cliffside screaming give me a reason, your faithless love’s the only hoax I believe in.”

3 Facts:

1. This is the first time ever that Taylor has had an explicit rated album and songs. So exciting.

2. Her first collaboration with Jack Antonoff was in 2013 when they created the song “Sweeter Than Fiction” for the film One Chance, and Taylor has since used Antonoff as a producer on every one of her albums.

3. Nobody knows for sure who William Bowery is. Who is William Bowery you ask? William Bowery is a co-writer of “exile” and “betty”. There is speculation… But no one knows...

To tie things up, Taylor delivered, this album is what a lot of people wanted, including myself. And what we wanted was a warm, acoustic, story focused album, which we got. But for me there is one thing missing, and I’m not exactly sure whether it is possible that it would fit on a flok-y warm album, but I miss Taylor’s pop catchy melody songwriting that we’ve all grown used to, where a hook would get stuck in your head for days. Not exactly folk-y, I know, but I miss it from Taylor. Not to take away from the fact at all that this is a very strong, solid album in her discography and a completely different weapon up her sleeve compared to her pop and country past.

My favourite tracks: my tears ricochet, seven, peace, this is me trying, illicit affairs, invisible string, epiphany

4.7/5 - it’s not perfect, but is it Taylor’s closest album to perfection? Possibly…

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