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fieryfafarfanfics · 7 years

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The Dim Sunshine

HAAAAAAPPY belated BIRTHDAY @asthenicia !!!!! of course im always late with my gifts coz of who i am as a person lmao I WISH YOU HAPPINESS AND PROSPERITY IN YOUR LIFE!! thank you for being my friend and for filling my life with smiles and laughter. may one day we get to meet so i can squish u to death with my hugs. xoxo lov u :3c

Once upon a time, there was a happy family. There was a jolly man, though his bliss was a creepy contrast to his love for death. He smiled often, laughed daily, always inflicted joy and caution wherever he stood. His skill for dark magic was unlike any other. His love for the undead and all that was unholy struck fear even in the boldest. He was quite a frail man, but his lack of strength was compensated by his terrible talent of the otherworldly. He held love for many things, both disgusting and disturbing, but there was one where he held the highest form of love. There was a breath-taking woman, though her love for dancing contradicted terribly with her crippling stage fright. She blushed often, stuttered daily, always instilled amusement and serenity in her presence. Her skill for dancing was unlike any other. Her skill in battling struck bafflement and awe to enemies and allies alike. Despite the immense talent, her love for performance, her love for entertaining people remained true to her heart. She was a beautiful woman. A dazzling dancer. Even with her timid personality, she never shied away from danger or person’s call for help. Her heart, just as her face, was as angelic as her. She held love for many things, and was loved by everyone else. But, in the end, her pure heart fell madly in love with the man whose heart could no longer be considered human. However, just as she had fallen in love with him, the man soon realized that he too had a heart as well – that he too had a chance to obtain the happiness he so long had given up.

--- In love they found it in themselves. In happiness they achieved by being with each other. His smile and laughter became more genuine. Her smile and laughter became even lovelier. As the years go by in the war, they stuck by each other, were there for one another. As he once warned her, his love truly was terrifying, baffling, sometimes suffocating even. He didn’t wish to let her go. He didn’t wish to let this glint of happiness to slither out of his grasp. He loved her so much, too much, that even the mere thought of living a life without her left him choking for air. She knew this about him. She knew about his troubled past. She knew their relationship would have obstacles and challenges, even if some of them did come from himself. She knew he was passionate, horrifyingly passionate, and he would anything in his power to keep her close to him – even if it meant taking their lives together. She knew. She knew about all this and it would be blatant lie to say if she wasn’t terrified in the least. And yet, she stayed by his side and loved him sincerely. She knew he loved her, truly and honestly. She knew he tried his best to make her happy just as how she gave life and joy in his once miserable life. She knew he was a bit – breathlessly, actually – clingy, but still respected her greatly when she asked for it. In time, he always knew how to make her laugh. In time, he always knew what to say and do in order to rid her of her stage fright. She was thankful for him in her life. And, in truth, even the thought of living without him pricked painful shivers in her smooth skin. She loved him. He loved her. And with this genuine love came born a beautiful, beautiful child. “Welcome to this world,” Olivia cooed lovingly, tears still trickling down flushed cheeks and lips bubbling a weak laugh at the feel of Henry’s kisses on her sweaty forehead, “our dear, dear, Inigo.” --- The child grew up wonderfully and happily. He was the mere definition of bliss. His smile was as radiant as the sun. His laugh was as melodious as bells. Rosy red usually splashed his smooth, soft cheeks. His hair was fluffy, soft, as white as the first snow of winter. He was a bundle of joy, a beaming sunshine, a cause of bliss and laughter to many people around. Though voice was rarely heard due to his crippling shyness, everyone loved him, cherished him, wanted to pamper him endlessly just so they could see the adorable shade of crimson in his plump cheeks. He had his father’s smile. He had his mother’s eyes. He had his father’s pure white hair. He had his mother’s passionate love for dancing. Inigo was the perfect mixture of his parents. Although he rarely talked much in his youth, he laughed and smiled easily to the people he was closest to. He often clutched his mother’s leg when visitors came to visit. He often hid in his father’s robe when they went to town. Inigo, like his father, was quite the clingy boy. However, he was still just as timid like his mother, often shirked away instead of approaching someone he so dearly wanted to be with at that time. Despite everything, he would always be noticed in the end, would always be lavishly spoiled by the undying love and attention from his parents. Inigo was loved and pampered throughout his childhood. And for that, he grew up to be such a loving, optimistic boy. --- “You’re doing great, darling!” Olivia cheered every time Inigo did a spin. “Oh, that was a wonderful bounce!” Olivia clapped every time Inigo hopped just an inch off the ground. Elated by the incoming praises, the young boy twirled and jumped again. His smile never faded from the moment he spent time with his mother, Inigo then stretched his arms to the side, head cocked slightly with a sight of a smile that rivalled the sun above. To see his mother’s laugh, to see his mother’s smile, he could feel pride and joy bursting so madly that he thought his head was about to explode. He didn’t mind that, actually. If anything, he was beyond thrilled to feel such a way if it meant getting to see his mother’s happiness. --- “Look at you, you amazing snowflake!” Henry awed every time Inigo swished his arms to the side. “Wah! This is some super great magic!” Henry clapped zestfully every time Inigo huffed out a short, squeaky ‘hah!’ Thrilled by the countless praises, the young boy spread his arms before giving one huge clap. By his signal, the wind whooshed swiftly towards the grinning father. Laughter then burst from such soft, pinks lips once he saw Henry’s hair was now a frizzled mess. To hear his son’s laughter, to see his son’s smile, Henry could feel bliss and gratefulness overwhelming his entire being. He didn’t mind that. Hell, he loved feeling every moment of it even if it killed him. --- The sky was getting darker each night. Even if it was broad daylight, Inigo shivered fearfully at the gloom that haunted the sky above. They rarely went to the village nowadays. They rarely got out of the house even as the days passed. His parents were still by his side, but their smiles and laughter weren’t always present like before. Instead, they held frowns, scowls, even spat out sighs and grunts when they thought he couldn’t hear them. He heard them, of course, and he was terrified. When Inigo asked, the child would always get the same answers. “Everything is fine, Inigo.” They would reassure him. “Everything will be alright.” They would gently pat him on the back. It was only when Inigo felt their bodies tremble faintly that he knew, he bitterly, woefully knew, everything wasn’t as fine as it used to be. He was scared. He was terrified. Fear kept him awake at night. The sounds of the unwanted jabbed whimpers and sobs from the poor, helpless boy. Sometimes, as he curled desperately in his parents’ tight embrace, Inigo wished dearly, deeply, that all of this would go away, that all of this was nothing but a mere dream and he would soon wake up happy and safe in his mother’s and father’s warm, loving hugs. He wished and wished. Day and night. Constantly and endlessly. And especially in the nights where the moon and stars were swallowed by ghostly abyss. --- But alas, as he grovelled silently in the rain with blood and flesh splattered disgusting before him, he was soon reminded that wishes were nothing but the cruel trick of the heart. --- His optimism died along with his parents. His smile and laughter were quickly replaced with trembling, broken shrieks. His throat hurt. It hurt too much. It hurt just by breathing in the cold, piercing air. Tears were long gone from eyes that cracked veins from within. Cheeks were void of colour, instead hollow and pale like death had claimed him too. Both arms were limp. Both legs were sore. Only in the rain did he find shelter in an abandoned shed not far from their graves. And even then Inigo wouldn’t budge; he would rather sit between the wet, dug holes for countless of hours. He hadn’t eaten anything for days. The only nourishment he’d gotten was from the rain that trickled poorly into his gaping, dry mouth. At times, Inigo wondered if the starvation would take him too. At times, he wondered if the nights he’d spent sprawling motionlessly between their graves would be the last night he had on this horrible, disgusting Earth. He would love that. He would want that. But alas, the Gods above really did hate him. The soil was too wet, too cold as he laid on his back. Blank eyes stared at the dark sky above. The moon was absent again. The stars had been swallowed by some unholy demon. Both arms were spread to the side, the back of his hands pressed weakly atop the graves. The bags under his eyes forced him to close his eyes. The agonizingly painful wound in his stomach forced him to stifle a breath. Ah, if only this was enough to take his life away. His breathing, so weak and frail, slithered unevenly through his nostrils. Never bothered to open his eyes, Inigo slowly, feebly turned his hand around. Both palms pressed against the squishy, cold soil. Sharp, broken nails dug deep into the earth, clutching the disgusting dirt that brushed roughly against the open wounds in his palms. He then felt cold drops poking his eyelids and forehead. And yet, he didn’t move a muscle. --- His father always advised him to never partake any dark magic. Inigo did ask why before, but Henry only replied by saying, “It’s too dangerous for you, son. Dark magic can hurt you bad even if you use a bit of it.” Inigo then proceeded to cry since he knew about his father’s knack for the dark arts, but the sorcerer then laughed gleefully and comforted him with the words of, “Oh, I’m fine, though! Besides, I’m not hurt by it at all because the power from your and your mother’s love are enough to make me stronger to bear it!” Inigo wondered if those words rang true. He never expected to actually test it anytime soon. It was one of those days where the sky had gloomed terribly as if the sun had long exploded. However, after what felt like forever, Inigo flinched terribly to hear growls and snarls from afar. After stumbling poorly out of the shed, the child actually, finally broke out a choked scream to see Risen approaching him. Or rather, they were approaching their graves. Panic. Panic boiled deep in the poor child. His legs and knees wobbled pitifully until he dropped and kneeled on the doorway. His arms and hands were too frail, too weak to even grasp at anything. Hazel eyes were full and his irises shrunk. The Risen were closing in and he needed to get rid of them – fast. But he was too weak. He hadn’t eaten anything in weeks and his flesh felt as if it had dried and stuck terribly to his bones. But he needed to move. He needed to protect his parents. Although their bodies had rotted, although their scattered bones and torn flesh were buried deep inside the earth’s soil, it nauseated Inigo that those Risen would even think of walking on top of their graves so blindly. But he was too weak. Tears filled the corners of his eyes. Yellow teeth chattered roughly inside a twisted scowl. G-G…o… Words that were neither his parents’ names for once echoed in his brain. G-G…M-o…ve… He tried to stand up. He tried to wobble to his feet and reach for anything to swat the Risen away. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t. Still kneeling in the doorway, Inigo gasped and choked as if something had clutched his throat. Sw…Sw-ord… He remembered his mother’s weapon; trembling eyes gazed to the side. The sword was still there, still gleaming beautifully as if it had been bathed by moonlight. Inigo only needed to reach it, to clutch it, to wield it so he could protect them from such eerie beasts. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t even move his arms. Anger fuelled his once dead heart. Even if he could hold the sword, he was just one child. Even if he did have enough strength in the word, what would he do? There were five Risen about to head his way and Inigo would soon be dead by the time one had clawed its way into his skull. Ah, he suddenly stopped, isn’t that…w-what I…want…? Finally, the Gods above were granting his wish. Finally, he would soon meet his parents. Was that not what he asked for every single day? He had suffered long enough. He had seen more nightmares than a child could bear. Maybe, just maybe, the Gods were finally pitying him and giving him the chance to escape this pitiful world. Finally… Inigo only stared emptily at the sword a few feet away from him. Finally… He then robotically turned his gaze to the Risen that were a few steps away from their graves. F-Fi… A single tear trickled down his pale, hollow cheek. Unaware that he had slid a few steps backwards, Inigo leaned weakly to what he soon realized was a small table near the door. Fi…n-nal…l-l-ly— Thud. The small table was fragile than expected, for his weight tipped it down, causing a thick book to fall right in front of him. Softening his fall with his left elbow, Inigo gaped dumbly at the book. Its cover was black, shiny, smooth to the touch as if it was made from the finest leather. Dust poofed from the book, making the poor boy cough and wheeze until he finally threw up bits of water and saliva. Tears now flushed in his eyes, Inigo brought one hand up and madly rubbed his eyes. When vision slowly returned back to normal, Inigo gaped at the mysterious book in front of him. It took him a few seconds, but he soon realized that it wasn’t any ordinary book. It was his father’s tome. “It’s too dangerous for you, son.” His father’s words echoed hollowly in his mind. “Dark magic can hurt you bad even if you use a bit of it.” His father’s concern smile etched deeply in his brain. He remembered the thrill he felt when using normal magic. He remembered the harmless surge of power that slithered inside him every time he conjured up a simple spell. If those powers alone could affect him then, imagine what could happen if he used the spells of forbidden now? “Besides, I’m not hurt by it at all,” His father’s words sang in his brain like an eulogy, “because the power from your and your mother’s love,” His mother’s gleaming smile radiated brilliantly in his vision, “are enough to make me stronger to bear it!” The Risen’s growls were getting louder. Using every last ounce of his strength, Inigo threw his right hand to the tome and flipped open the cover. And right after he did, nausea once again boiled in his throat. And, at the same time, what was once a delicate shade of hazel eerily, furiously gleamed a nasty splash of red once he snapped his eyes open. --- It started to rain again that day. The silver sword sheathed deeply into the soft ground. What was once a Risen was now nothing but dark, smoky soot. The silent child stared blankly at the ground. Puffs of cold air wheezed out of his mouth. Puffs of purple smoke coughed right out of his throbbing throat. The violent smoke around the sword slowly fluttered away, showing the glistening metal that was now tainted with black blood and brown earth. Unable to hold his stance anymore, Inigo kneeled weakly to the ground. His head hung low, heavily, crimson eyes still throbbing and gawking at nothing in particular. He felt his energy draining rapidly. In a matter of seconds, just as his eyes turned hazel, Inigo dropped frailly to the ground. The sword tipped to the side as well, its sharp tip mere inches away from his panting, gaping mouth. The rain was quite heavy today. Head turned to face Olivia’s grave, Inigo feebly reached out for her. At the same time, his left hand stretched towards Henry’s, fingers digging deep into the soil drenched in blood. I…I did it… He faintly cheered. I…I p-pro…t-ect...ed…t-the…m— Vision blurred into two, into three, until his mind finally got captured by deep fatigue. --- Inigo really wished that he could meet his parents again. However, since that fateful day, he soon realized – as bitter as it was to be reminded – that his parents wouldn’t want to see him in this state before his last moments on Earth. So he trained. It was a gruelling attempt, but he forced himself, body and soul, to train so he could move on for his parents’ sake. It was a straining effort, but the child sucked it up and forced himself endlessly. Thankfully, the dark magic his father once forbade him gave Inigo the strength he needed to push himself. He didn’t go through the tome deeply, for just the slightest whiff of dark magic was enough to choke and gag him breathlessly. It felt like needles had pierced and punctured his skin. It felt like his heart was all too ready to burst right out of his chest. Luckily, the excruciating pain didn’t last for so long. And next thing he knew, Inigo soon perceived that horrifying chill as nothing more but little pinches on his skin. He did take his father’s advice though and kept the dark magic at a minimum so it wouldn’t overwhelm him. “Besides, I’m not hurt by it at all because the power from your and your mother’s love are enough to make me stronger to bear it!” The words were enough to actually make him giggle bitterly as Inigo splashed water onto his face. Kneeling by the small lake near their graves, the boy took a deep breath and exhaled shakily through a gaping mouth. It turned out that his father was right all along. --- After the perfect spin, he pressed one foot onto the ground and gave a gallant bow. Both arms spread before his big finale, Inigo then cocked his head and flashed a bright smile. “And that,” The boy straightened his back, “concludes my small little performance!” There were no responses, of course, for all that he received was the chilling brush of the wind. His smile never wavered, however. Hazel eyes closed quietly. Pale pink lips twitched just the slightest. He could hear her voice, hear her praises, hear her comments as well about what and where he should improve in his steps. The mere thought of it all made his heart race, made his eyes burn, but Inigo then opened his eyes, huffing a calm chuckle at the sight of the buried. “Ah, I’ll definitely improve, Mom.” His voice smooth as silk yet hinted with the slightest sorrow, Inigo took another deep breath before he looked at the grave next to hers. “Oh, but don’t think I’ve just been practicing my dancing!” Excitement fluttered in his beating heart, the boy clapped once before taking a deeper, longer breath. As he exhaled through his mouth, he slowly parted his hands. And when he did, a small wave of wind spiralled between his palms. “S-ee?” Voice cracked just the slightest in a mixture of woe and excitement, Inigo looked at Henry’s grave. “I managed to conjure up my own wind!” His eyes burn again, but he decided to ignore it. “N-ow…if I do this…” At the mental count of three, Inigo carefully spread his hands apart, then raised his right hand in the air. As his mind chanted the spell, the small wind intensified from beneath his feet and whipped upwards to the gloomy sky. His white hair fluttered upwards, then puffed into a thick mess once the wind disappeared. He knew he was being delusional, but Inigo didn’t care when he thought he could hear his father’s laughter and praises being sung in his ears. His heartbeat still raced. His smile still shined. A single tear finally trickled down his cheek. --- Inigo knew he had to leave his parents someday. He knew. He knew this but he didn’t wish to acknowledge it. However, after bumping into Owain who was searching for survivors, after hearing the news that many others were alive, Inigo knew his second chance to live a life was given right before his very eyes. From the moment they met, Owain insisted that Inigo should come along. He insisted that the place he stayed wouldn’t be safe for so long, and that the Fell Dragon would not be so merciful as to take their lives as simply and swiftly. He insisted, and yet Inigo was stubbornly hesitant. He didn’t wish to leave his parents’ graves. He didn’t wish to let those filthy, vile monsters to step on their bodies. Gods, just the mere thought of it burned fury in his heart. Inigo would rather die protecting them. Or at least, that’s what he first thought. “Lucina and the others are collecting the gemstones!” Owain explained hastily. “She said that Lady Tiki has found a way for us to save this future and our parents!” Save…the future. Save…his parents…? Inigo loved – used to love – jokes and jest, and he knew Owain was a rather flamboyant fellow. But now wasn’t the time for jokes, and Inigo actually snapped briefly at the Ylissean prince for spewing such tasteless nonsense. However, just the single glance at Owain’s firm, tight frown was more than enough to tell Inigo otherwise. Inigo couldn’t believe him. He actually wondered that this was just a dream and he would soon wake up in that cold, crooked shed. Drip… He didn’t realize that it started to rain that day. And after feeling the first drop of rain brushing down his dry cheek, Inigo knew this was reality. --- The flowers looked beautiful on their graves. Hazel eyes still fixed on the two, Inigo slowly rose to his feet. The silver sword was sheathed neatly by his right hip. The thick tome was tucked carefully inside his satchel. He wondered if this would be the last time he’d ever see them. Ah, just the thought alone ripped his heart into two. Quickly he shook his head. One hand firm on the hilt of the sword, Inigo let out a slow sigh. “Well, I’m off.” Carefully he whispered. “I…I’m going to go save the world, Mom, Dad.” His voice still wavered, yet Inigo did his best to keep his composure. His smile was trembling, but he kept on smiling. Teeth gently nipping the insides of his lower lip, Inigo spun his heel and walked away. His smile actually stayed for a while when he swore he could hear his parents’ farewells. --- Inigo was honestly surprised at the amount of survivors in this devastating apocalypse. He was exceptionally surprised to see the young exalt whom he hadn’t seen in years. “Inigo,” Lucina called out, “it’s been a while. I’m glad to see you’re unharmed.” Her smile was obviously weary, but just as sincere as she looked at him. Inigo didn’t reply immediately. Hazel eyes just stared in bafflement, lips suddenly feeling dry at the presence of the princess. His heart started racing. And for the first time in his life, it raced for a whole different reason. --- To be awakened in a whole different place – in a whole different timeline – Inigo sometimes wondered if the Gods loved to test and play around with him just to see how long he could last. Once again he was alone. Once again he had lost sight of the friends and family he loved dearly. Fear and panic bubbled from within, almost made him nauseous with worry. But Inigo gulped it down, then forced himself to his feet as he tried to make do of his surroundings. Hand rough and hard on the hilt of his sword, he looked left and right. No one was in sight. Not his friends. Not a soul. Panic still kept him alarmed, but awe and bafflement then softened his stance when Inigo realized something that he thought he could never see again. The leaves were green. The trees were brown. Hell, one quick whiff from his nostrils felt like his lungs had been cleansed after years of inhaling poison. Stupor now slowly swallowing that fear, Inigo blinked dumbly before cocking his head upwards. The sky was a beautiful shade of blue. The clouds were puffy, thick, an elegant tuff of pure white. Again he took a deep breath. This time, he gasped loudly and shortly. They did it. They had travelled back in time. His legs wobbled. His arms felt like jelly. Body stiffened immediately, Inigo slapped one hand to his gaping mouth and gawked at the grass below. He was in a world where beauty and peace used to cleanse the land. He was in a world where hope and dreams could be obtained. He was…H-He was… Drip… Drip… He was in a world where his parents were alive. --- A few months passed by quickly since their little time-travel. Inigo still couldn’t find the rest. He still couldn’t find his parents. He was anxious. He was excited. He was nervous. Sometimes everything was felt all at once until all Inigo could feel was pure nausea. He was here. He was here. In that short amount of time, he kept on travelling. He pursed bandits and killed them off from villagers. He pursued ladies and wooed them as best as he could just to make them smile. Sometime he succeeded. Sometimes he failed – miserably. But all that were more than enough to distract his worried mind. He would much rather make a person smile than to make them scream by his blade. But alas, Inigo knew, if he didn’t take their lives, they would be more than happy to take his. He sometimes apologized to his mother for having her sword so soaked with blood from the living. He sometimes apologized to his father for using his tome so often against the once beating hearts. Guilt sometimes twisted his heart. Reminiscence often choked his throat. But Inigo knew there was no time to dillydally. One could only mourn for so long, after all. So, with a wide, white smile curling the corners of his lips, Inigo moved on, swaying his sword and piercing them madly like a cheerful maniac. --- He couldn’t believe it. No matter how many times he rubbed his eyes. No matter how many times he shook his head. Hell, even if he thought of poking his eyes out and shining them clean before putting them back in each socket, Inigo just couldn’t believe it. “E-Er…” She’s here. “I—please don’t look at me s-so…intently…” She was really here. “It ah… It makes me t-terribly bashful…” He looked left. He looked right. And once he dropped his gaze at the petite dancer, he actually choked back a sob. She didn’t respond immediately, though bafflement flashed perfectly upon her beautiful face. Unable to take the pressure any longer, Inigo squeezed his eyes shut and made a mad dash for it. She’s here. “What?! W-wait! Don't go!” By Gods, just when Inigo thought he couldn’t hold on by the sound of her voice. “There you are my pretty, pretty flower! With tears trickling down his flushed face, a short gasp loudly escaped from his wide, trembling smile at the sound of his voice. --- They’re alive. “I’m shyer than you are, Mom!” Like a child, he argued with her. A tiny pout tugged by his lower lip, only the Gods knew just how wild his heart was shaking inside his chest. They’re alive. “No you’re not!” Unaware of the whirlwind of emotions in him, Olivia retorted. Hands close to her howling heart, the dancer then pulled a similar pout to the tall mercenary. In the end, the two stayed in silence, their faces a bright shade of red and timid squeaks stifled behind pursed lips. They’re alive. As silence became their form of communication, Henry then quickly shattered it with roaring laughter. “Aw, look at you two!” His smile was bright as the sun above, Henry clapped once before bouncing in one place beside Olivia. “Your faces are so red your heads might just explode into flames!” Despite his tasteless joke that would sure twist scowls on the other Shepherd’s mouths, Henry only laughed louder for his joy overwhelmed his emotions once the news of Inigo’s identity was brought into light. They’re…a-alive… Inigo watched as Olivia pouted at Henry who then flashed a cheeky grin. He watched as Henry playfully pinched her cheek which only made the dancer squeal even louder. The longer he looked, the more he couldn’t believe it. Mom…Dad… “I-Inigo?!” In a matter of seconds, her voice echoed beautifully once she felt her body being pulled to a hug. Left cheek nuzzling on what she quickly assumed was someone’s shoulder, Olivia gaped forward, only to realize Henry was in the same situation she was in too, though his left cheek rested against the side of Inigo’s head. Laughter then filled the bright sky. It wasn’t Henry’s. And it sure as hell wasn’t Olivia’s. It took them a second, but both dancer and sorcerer soon realized that the delightful burst came from none other than their darling future son. “Mom! Dad!” Body swaying left and right, Inigo couldn’t contain his thrill for so long and laughed even louder. “Gods, I missed you!” His eyes felt wet, yet the mercenary could no longer give a damn about appearances. “I missed you so, so, so much!!” His laughter was then mixed with cracked sobs. And although the young parents didn’t respond verbally, they only glanced at each other before wrapping each arm on the young man’s body. To feel their warmth, to hear their breathing, to know that they’re safe and alive. Gods…! Inigo only bit back his trembling smile and squeezed his eyes shut. Once upon a time, there was boy who missed his happy family so much. END

#Henlivia #Henry #Olivia #Inigo #Fire Emblem #Fire Emblem Awakening #lucina #owain #with hints of lucigo there hohohooh :3c #i hope u love your gift my dear!!!#i cant help bt torture him BUT AT LEAST HE GETS A HAPPY END just for u bb c:#EHHEHEHEHEHEHHEHE #oneshot #asthenicia

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senfinity · 7 years

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Why Sehun: A Not-So-Little Collection of Reasons

DISCLAIMER This post is going to be incredibly lengthy, meaning not just a few paragraphs but a few pages, however since I wrote this for my own eyes I have done so without any plan to limit the length because I want to lay my whole heart out, without finding myself regretting not saying everything I wanted to. This is just a way for me to express how I feel without the limitations that the tags put on me. That being said, you are wholly welcome to read what I wrote, and even just glancing at the bolded parts might suffice; I just wanted to give a fair warning before you decided to click the read more~ If you do in fact click read more, though, I hope you can read at least the little ‘notes’ section in the beginning to keep some things in mind ;; But with that, I will now begin!

LINKS I will include some links in this post, but since the Tumblr dash on PC doesn’t really show the underlines on small text links quite that well, I will be adding ˹ and ˼ on either side of the link so that I, and you, know it’s there but also doesn’t disrupt the flow~

NOTES // 1 // I am unfortunately not the most poetic with words and I tend to come off very matter-of-fact at times, but I hope that despite that you are aware that everything I say comes from the deepest parts of my heart and every word is laced with all the love in the universe ;; // 2 // For some traits, you’ll see me list lots of things (ex. types of smiles) and could think it’s unnecessarily extensive. But just remember that I’m writing this for myself, and because I honestly love every single thing about Sehun, including all of those tiny details and little habits and variations, I want to mention them all~ // 3 // Some of the things I list here are of course not all traits exclusive to Sehun, however it’s the way in which Sehun embodies these traits that have made me grow to love him more and more. There might be some points in which you read something and you wonder how it’s distinct to Sehun, but since I don’t want to compare to other members in general or within examples, I hope you will bear with me and understand that I do have my reasons ;; // 4 // Throughout this post I will only be mentioning recent “examples” regarding each reason, however that does not mean that those are the only things I have based my reasons on. It’s simply because my memory is a bit short when it comes to recalling things all at once, and either way this post is going to be long enough already ;; // 5 // Despite the length of this post, it will still not encompass the exact magnitude of reasons why I love Sehun, because not only will I suddenly remember 412 other reasons immediately after I post this and wish I had added them, but as time goes on I find myself learning more about Sehun and finding more reasons to love him. Now I will begin! These are listed in no particular order~

IMPORTANT If you're going to judge me for writing this post, especially to this length, and in a way that’s really condescending and rude 1) at the very least read the section titled MORE THAN JUST A BIAS // TO ME to gain perspective before passing any judgement but if you still insist on it then 2) I don’t care and 3) do not send me a condescending ask because I’m not going to have any of it. Thank you.

T A B L E O F C O N T E N T S —

lmao yes, this post is that long that I made the executive decision to add a table of contents.

1 - PHYSICAL 1.1 His Smile — 1.2 His Laughter — 1.3 How He Talks — 1.4 His Eyes — 1.5 The Most Beautiful Boy — 1.6 The Little Details

2 - PERSONALITY 2.1 Perception vs. Reality — 2.2 Subtle Confidence — 2.3 Subtlety in Personality — 2.4 An Odd Child... — 2.5 Adorably Shy / Easily Embarrassed ⇨ 2.5.1 Shy - 2.5.2 Embarrassed — 2.6 Is a Baby :( — 2.7 Love for Vivi — 2.8 Adores Fans — 2.9 Importance of Loyalty and Relationships ⇨ 2.9.1 Loyalty - 2.9.2 Relationships — 2.10 Caring — 2.11 Thoughtful / Considerate ⇨ 2.11.1 Thoughtful - 2.11.2 Considerate - 2.11.3 Gracious and Polite — 2.12 Genuine — 2.13 Humble — 2.14 Knows Who He Is, What He’s Capable Of, and What He Wants — 2.15 Intelligent — 2.16 Love for Travel — 2.17 How Much He’s Grown — 2.18 All The Little Things

3 - TALENTS / INTERESTS / WORK ETHIC 3.1 Dancing ⇨ 3.1.1 Why He Can Dance - 3.1.2 His Style - 3.1.3 Improvement — 3.2 Acting (to be continued...) — 3.3 Fashion — 3.4 Singing (and rapping) — 3.5 Hard Working and Takes Work Seriously

4 - WHAT HE MEANS TO ME 4.1 Stan Timeline (and when I fell hard) — 4.2 A Different Side of Me ⇨ 4.2.1 Not How I Usually am - 4.2.2 Uncomfortable With Emotions / Never Know What To Say - 4.2.3 “I Love You” — 4.3 More Than Just A Bias // Sehun — 4.4 More Than Just A Bias // To Me — 4.5 Motivation — 4.6 The End?

+ supplementary things things i’ve said in ˹tags˼ — things i’ve said/seen that give me more ˹reasons˼ — ˹tags˼ page

P H Y S I C A L —

HIS ˹SMILE˼ If you were to ask me what my absolute favourite feature of Sehun’s was, I would without a doubt and reflexively answer with, “His smile.” I in general have a weak spot for smiles and will always go a little bit weak for anyone in the moment they do, however I have never loved a smile remotely as much as I love Sehun’s. From the physical aspects, to the warmth and light it emanates, to how many different kinds he has, to the happiness it inspires in me, and most importantly to the personality it so perfectly reflects - I love every single thing about it.

➥ Physically, I think it’s pretty obvious what about his smile is so beautiful and adorable all at once. The way his eyes turn into little crescent moons whenever he smiles, so that even when you can’t see his face other than his eyes you can see just how much he’s smiling. The little sparkle in his eyes that look like flecks of sunlight. That ˹little eye crinkle˼ that so prettily comes off the corner of his eyes, that I know is such a minor detail and maybe not so unique to him at the surface, but makes his smile that much more beautiful. The way his nose can sometimes scrunch or the way he sometimes gets all those wrinkles on his chin or the way his cheeks bunch up or how deep his smile lines get - even at the surface level, Sehun’s smile is adorably precious and beautifully unique.

➥ The charm of his smile is in its ability to immediately transform him into an adorable, tiny child :( It carries such a youthful innocence that can’t help but to fill my heart with all the warmth and makes me want to protect him from anything that might try to dampen it. His eyes become so bright and his features so soft, that it’s a wonder to me how anybody could not fall in love with him at that very instant, because even for me who already loves him to the ends of the universe and back, I can’t help but to myself. His smile reflects so much joy and spreads so much love and light and laughter to those around him, and I only hope that he’ll always have a reason to smile and never encounter anything that tries to extinguish the stars that he paints in the sky.

➥ Sehun has a multitude of different smiles and each of them is adorable, unique, and lovely in their own way. ⛭ His, I guess you could call it, ˹regular smile˼ that looks so so lovely ;; ⛭ His ˹wide smile˼, where his nose scrunches a little, all these wrinkles gather around his chin, and his eyes disappear and are surrounded by the cutest eye crinkles. ⛭ His smile where he’s so incredibly amused and his ˹eyebrows˼ raise to the moon. ⛭ His happy ˹baby smile˼ that has this touch of bashfulness to it and makes my heart feel like it’s doing a million somersaults. ⛭ His ˹lovely smile˼ where he has the softest, most adoring look in his eyes. ⛭ His smile that makes him look so incredibly ˹handsome˼, and while he doesn’t smile this one as much it’s still just as lovely. ⛭ His smile where he’s trying so hard to ˹hold back˼ his laughter but is failing and it makes him look adorable :( ⛭ His smile where he bites his lower lip in the ˹softest way˼, and I’m not sure what it is about it but it always makes my heart flutter ;; ⛭ His smile where he ˹bites his tongue˼, which might sound a bit weird, but it makes him look like the most adorable little child. ⛭ Then there’s his ˹scrunchy smile˼ that he tends to do really absentmindedly and makes him looks so squishy. ⛭ His soft, ˹shy smile˼ that makes him look so soft and adorable, and sometimes like a little ˹kitten˼. ⛭ His soft smile that make him look either really ˹angelic˼ or like the softest ˹prince˼. ⛭ Then my absolute favourite smile of his, that I call his ˹sweetest smile˼ because that’s just what it is ;; But there’s different kinds of this smile as well, starting with my absolute absolute absolute number one favourite, where he’s smiling ˹so softly˼ and widely and he has the loveliest, most adoring look on his face, where every time I see it it feels like my heart is about to burst at the seams. Then there’s the one where he looks like the most dashing, ˹gracious prince˼. Or the one where he’s ˹incredibly shy˼ and a little embarrassed and he looks adorable :( Then there’s the one that he smiles when he’s so so ˹happy˼ but in the softest, most childlike way. Or the one that he smiles when he’s with ˹his members˼ and looks fondly adoring, or the one that he smiles when he’s taking ˹selfies˼ with friends or fans, and more than I could possibly list. ⛭ He honestly has so many different smiles that it would be impossible to list, because you’d just have to look through all the pictures of him smiling I have on my phone (of which there are many cuz I suck) to understand just how many they are. But nonetheless they are so adorable and unique in their own way and I love them all so so much :(

➥ Sehun in general makes me really happy, but every single time he smiles it amplifies that happiness by a 100-fold and fills me with such an indescribable, genuine, uninhibited, honest joy. It makes my heart soar so far above the clouds and lets me forget momentarily about all the sadness and deadness that my heart feels otherwise, and in an instant disintegrates any negative thoughts that usually occupy such a large chunk of my mind and leaves a lingering warmth in my heart. Even just the thought of Sehun smiling, of Sehun being happy, brings an instant smile to my face and makes my heart feel so warm and full. He makes me feel as if smiling is as easy as breathing and being happy is as easy as living for someone like me who can find it hard to want to do either, and I’ll never be able to express the magnitude with which I love it :(

➥ I never knew what exactly it was about Sehun’s smile that made it so overwhelmingly special to me, and despite all the things I stated above, I felt like there was something missing. But the more I looked at him I realized that the reason I love his smile this much was because it was a perfect reflection of the boy behind it. His smile wasn’t just lovely and innocent because his features made it so (though of course it plays an equal part), but because at his core he’s someone who is so amazingly genuine and sweet and soft and in many senses quite pure (not in the delusional way that might’ve sounded orz). And so every single time he smiles, those parts of him that can quite often be understated, those parts of him that are who he is at heart, those parts of him that make him the wonderful person that he really is, can’t help but to bubble up and shine through, allowing Sehun to shine brighter than he already does. His smile essentially being the embodiment of him as a person is what makes me love him more and more every time I see it, and I think that makes sense, doesn’t it? I love Sehun himself with all my heart and he’s one of the most special people to me, so naturally his smile that so perfectly reflects him will be just as special ;;

HIS LAUGHTER Sehun’s laughter, just like his smile, always manages to turn him into a little kid, and more often than not makes him look so cutely silly that you can’t help but to either look at him fondly, want to pat his head, or shake your head a little because he can be (and sound) so strange at times. When he scrunches his nose, shakes his shoulders, raises his ˹eyebrows˼ to the moon, and laughs so wide that he has all those wrinkles on his chin when he’s so so amused. That weird little laugh that can be so oddly squeaky at times and is so unique to him. When he gives a short little “ha ha ha” and sounds like a jovial old man. When he says something embarrassing and his eyes become such curves and he tries so hard to hold in his laughter but it can’t help but to ˹sputter out˼. When he ˹stomps his feet˼, or claps like a seal, or ˹falls all over the place˼ / ˹into the person˼ next to him (maybe even a combination of all three) when he’s so extremely amused, and half the time no one around him is laughing nearly as much as he is. When he’s too weak to stand and falls on the floor and laughs like a toddler or crouches on the ground and hides his face because he’s too embarrassed. When he makes that soundless giggle and covers his whole face with his hands because he’s so amused but embarrassed, and shakes his shoulders lightly. Then my absolute favourite laugh that just makes him look so incredibly tiny and adorable is when he’s so softly amused and laughs the softest widest laugh and ˹scrunches his eyes˼ so so tight, and it fills my heart with so much love that it’s about to burst at the seams and overwhelms me to the point where the only way I can describe it is with !!!♡!!!♡!!!♡!!!♡!!!♡!!!♡!!!♡!!!♡!!!♡!!! x infinity because he looks so cute and fluffy :( He just has so many different kinds of laughs that it would take forever to list them, but each and every one of them is so adorably precious and unique to him, and radiates so much joy and innocence that it’d be hard to not look at him with all the fondness in the world.

HOW HE TALKS Like just about everything else about Sehun, the way Sehun talks is absolutely adorable :( His voice is matured and deep yet he has this baby tone and way of enunciating as well as an adorable teeny lisp, making everything he says either that much more adorable or softer. He sounds so cutely whiny when he talks excitedly yet so soft when serious yet so deep when casual, and when he gives little speeches for ments or awards, he masks his babier tone and sounds so grown up and confident that it makes me so fondly proud. Just listening to Sehun talk is the cutest thing but the way he does this cute little ˹noot noot˼ lips as he speaks, the way he literally looks like a ˹toddler˼ because of the way his lips do the thing, the way he always raises his eyebrows a little throughout, the way he is always using his hands to describe every little thing, the way he slowly and deliberately pronounces each word, the way he tilts his head when he’s trying to seem nonchalant or make a joke, the way he’ll softly tack on a “yes” to the end of something he says and then smile, the way he sucks in air when he’s thinking of something to say, the way he pouts and says “mmm” when he’s trying hard to think of the best word to use, the way his eyes always look up slightly as he carefully words what he’s saying in his mind, the way he always clasps his hands after he finishes making a point and nods and seems so cutely proud of himself, the way he’ll slightly smile if he doesn’t know how to finish what he’s saying and wants to move on - just the whole array of cute little habits he has when he talks makes listening and watching him talk so so endearing that I wouldn’t mind doing so forever ;;

HIS ˹EYES˼ When you simply look at Sehun’s eyes, there’s nothing too extraordinary about them, nothing that makes them stand out incredibly so in comparison to the other members who have more distinctive features. They’re just a simple almond shape, not very big, not very small - all in all just very nondescript. Yet despite that I find his eyes the most beautiful, and every time I glance at Sehun, his eyes always manage to draw me in and hold me there. It’s not so much the physical, though his eyes curve so so so prettily and sometimes look as if stars are dancing within them. But rather with how ˹soft and lovely˼ his gaze is, so that whenever I look at him my heart fills with an inexplicable warmth that not only makes me grow even more fond but is also quite honestly a bit heart fluttering ;; At other times they have this adorable ˹sparkle˼ that makes him look all the more innocent when he smiles or speaks excitedly or when he looks at things ˹curiously and blankly˼. Sometimes when he talks his eyes curve into this ˹slight little smile˼ and I don’t really know how to explain it but it makes him look like such a lovely prince ;; And I know I’ve said a few times (and will probably say it again), but just like his smile, his eyes perfectly reflect who he is at heart, so that even when he’s tired or happy or just being silly, his eyes will always always have that same lovely, innocent, and soft gaze, just as he himself is always those traits at heart, and just as those traits are the ones that I love about Sehun so much. The only time his gaze ever shifts from that softness is when he’s performing, and that’s when his eyes are filled with so much ˹intensity˼, and it’s just really lovely to see how encompassed in the performance he is ;;

(This might not sound individual to Sehun, but if you look at the other members, you’ll notice that their gazes are so distinctive to them and different from Sehun’s, and I think that makes it quite special, don’t you think?)

THE ˹MOST˼˹BEAUTIFUL˼ BOY I don’t usually talk about Sehun’s appearance as extensively as I do other things about him, but that doesn’t change the fact that for me Sehun is honest to goodness the absolute most beautiful boy ;; If this were my tags, I’d say that the universe spent eons crafting every single one of his features, that he was only made of the most beautiful specs of stardust, that the universe takes its inspiration from him but nothing it could ever fathom would ever compare, that even the stars can’t help but to smile because there is no lovelier existence, that-- But in all seriousness and without the dramatics or astrological metaphors, Sehun has the most beautiful features, the most elegant figure, and such a casual grace with which he carries himself, that whenever I look at him I always feel so overwhelmed because he is just so utterly stunning. No matter how much I try to articulate it, I don’t think any language would ever be able to encompass all that he is. Simply from the technical aspects - from Sehun’s high cheek bones and nose bridge, deep set eyes, cutely pouty lips, his sharp-but-not-too-sharp jawline, sculpted eyebrows, widow’s peak, and beautiful side profile; to his tall, lean, graceful body, wide shoulders and elegant collarbones, toned body, arms, and back, slim waist, his long legs (sans hips ;;), and perfect back profile; to his casual stride and poised posture - he’s really a work of art that sculptors and poets could only dream of. But on top of that, he has such a soft, angelic, princely aura that draws your eyes to him and leaves you speechless and in awe because how could anyone possibly be that beautiful :(

If I were to set aside the softness for one second (this is a lie - I can never set aside my softness), however! My favourite physical features of his are: his ˹nose˼ - I honestly find his nose to be the cutest thing, but at the same time it’s near-perfect and honestly quite handsome and makes his side profile even more A+ than it already is; his ˹cheeks˼ - I know they don’t look soft and round and chub to the untrained eyes and I don’t care what anyone says, but he has the squishiest cheeks that I want to pinch :(; his ˹lips˼ - just so pouty and soft and adorable :( but also have this certain shape to them that make them oddly handsome; his ˹collarbones˼ - the way they’re so elegantly set on his chest and off his shoulders is :(; how ˹toned˼ he is - I’ve always had a thing for boys whose body is lean and tone with muscles that are there but not too too defined because I find that to be an attractive balance and Sehun has just that; and his ˹legs˼ - I don’t know what it is about them but they just look so nice, and the way they have the teeniest bow at the bottom is oddly adorable to me ;; And y’know, I tried to narrow down my favourite features, until I realized that I love every single one of them but this will suffice :( I also have over 6k pictures of Sehun on my phone and finding just one to describe what I meant for each of those was a struggle but alas ;;

THE LITTLE DETAILS I love all his little beauty marks - the one on his ear, the three light ones on his eyelid, the one on his neck, and the one on his hand. But the ones I especially love are the ˹three on his left cheek˼, not only because they for some reason always draw my eyes, but because they also happen to be identical to the ˹Aries˼ constellation, and I think if that isn’t proof enough that Sehun really was kissed by the stars then I don’t know what else could possibly be ;; I love the ˹scar˼ on his right cheek because it shows a hidden story - a possibly lackluster one or something completely ridiculous, but nonetheless unique to him and therefore that much more special. I also know this will sound weird, but I find his ˹teeth˼ absolutely adorable because they make him look like a little wolf pup at times. I love when he’s sometimes a little late on shaving and you can see the teeniest amount of ˹stubble˼ (there are exactly three on his chin in fact alksjdf) because it just makes him look ever so slightly grown. I love his ˹hands˼ because of how elegant they look and how he delicately he tends to use them. I love so many little features that it’d be hard to list them all, and I know this may seem like overkill but I truly, genuinely love all the little details, because each and every thing is special and unique to him and adds its own little quirk and charm. And besides, what’s there not to love when it’s Sehun honestly ;;

P E R S O N A L I T Y —

PERCEPTION VS. REALITY Due to Sehun’s quieter nature in combination with his overwhelming visuals, people form ideas of him that tend to be quite far off from the truth. Which is understandable, if that someone has a casual interest in Sehun - or none at all - but it can’t help but to make me a bit sad at times ;; Mostly because the things that Sehun is labeled with are not only not usually what he’s really like but for the most part flatten him into a really one-dimensional character and have negative undertones to them. They tend to be things that strip him away of his maturity, intelligence, work ethic, passion, kindness, consideration, and softness, and lead people to take him less seriously. You can also tell that most of the ideas formed about Sehun are formed due to people only looking at his outer appearance and surface-level observations, and as someone who wished that people could look a bit past the surface when it comes to Sehun, it makes me sad :( He is so much more than his looks and his random quippy comments, so it can be a bit upsetting when that’s all people see of him ;;

That being said, I think that dichotomy between how people perceive him vs. who he really is was something that only ended up making me love him more. Sehun is someone who is very complex and has many layers to himself, and because of how subdued he is, being able to finally take the leap from perception to reality can be a bit hard but it’s so so so rewarding. The journey of peeling back the layers and learning more and more about Sehun as time went on was a process that made me love him exponentially more each and every single time. Every time I learned something new about him, the more I began to appreciate him for the person he is, and the more attached to him I became. And I think that’s really what’s so wonderful about being a stan of someone in general - being able to learn about and love them for who they are, and it was definitely one of the reasons my love for him strengthened over time. If you look at how I stanned him when I first saw him in 2012 vs. 2014 when I made this blog vs. 2015 when I was more used to fandom life vs. early 2016 vs. the end of 2016 vs. now, you can see just how much the way I stanned him changed and how much my love grew simply through me learning more about him. And I know that if in just one year, the amount of reasons for loving him and how much I love him increased this much (from when I posted ˹a similar thing˼ on his birthday last year), I can only imagine how much more it will grow in the future as I learn even more. And honestly, it’s just really lovely to look back at the first impressions I had of Sehun when I first saw him and all the things I know about him now, and see how different they really were and how far I’ve come, and how much more I’ll learn in the future.

SUBTLE CONFIDENCE Something I’ve grown to really love and appreciate about Sehun is how subtle he is when it comes to his confidence, be it in his looks, his dancing, or himself. I can tell that Sehun is fully aware of how handsome and attractive he is - not only in looks but in certain mannerisms - but it’s not due to him showing off or being overconfident, because he’s never been one to really do that? Besides unbuttoning his shirt and showing off his abs in their full glory on exactly one occasion, he always shies away from anything to do with his looks and confidence in general, and even when complimented he’ll shyly accept it and then shift the attention away from the topic or off of himself. Even when he’s dancing he really never does anything in particular to emphasize his aura or to make himself or the moves attractive, but rather just dances with a cool air and lets the moves and him, not anything extra, do the job. He honestly in general never does anything to truly show himself off, because he really doesn’t need to do that at all? - he just lets his confidence speak for itself. When I compare Sehun to others and their ways of expressing confidence, I’ve noticed that rather than their more outward expressions (which btw isn’t a bad thing ;;), Sehun has this subtle undertone of confidence in everything he does, but in a way that isn’t overbearing by any means, because it’s a part of who he naturally is. He doesn’t need to do certain things to show to others that he’s confident in himself because he doesn’t need to prove it to anyone. You can see that confidence and that aura exude off of him because he just is attractive, not only in appearance but in how he is. It’s laced in everything he does - in the way he stands or how he walks, in the way he looks at people or in how he speaks, in what he wears or the way he dances. That attractiveness and aura and confidence is simply a part of him - not in what he does to emphasize it but in all his natural, unforced habits and mannerisms and the way he is. And that focus on just being him, that subtlety in all that he is and all that he does, is something about him that I really love ;;

SUBTLETY IN PERSONALITY Aside from having that subtle confidence, Sehun overall has a very subdued nature and while this aspect of him can sometimes be a double-edged sword, it also happens to be an aspect of him that I really love (and also one that can make me a bit protective ;;). To most people Sehun, on short glance, probably simply comes off as someone who is quiet (though some may see it as standoff-ish), a little awkward, has a confident stance, is quite attractive, generally nice, and on occasion says some short, cutely quippy comments. While when I think to the other members, for the most part, the traits that are some of the most important parts to who they are are usually very much visible and obvious. For example: Yixing being kind, extremely generous, hardworking, and ambitious; Baekhyun being energetic and lively, passionate and hardworking, and immensely amiable in the eyes of everyone; Jongin being passionate about dancing, very softly quiet, mature, and kindhearted; and so on, just to name a few. Though of course these aren’t all the traits that make up each of the members’ selves, the things that are very noticeable in everything they do play a prominent and overwhelming part in their personalities, and they are things that most anyone who even spares a glance can see quite easily. While in Sehun’s case, even for someone who does follow EXO, even if they do know what he’s actually like, it can still sometimes feel like the traits that make up his first impression are traits that are important to who he is.

In reality, however, the traits that do make up the core of who he is are so much more than that and so much more complex and wonderful and lovely - they just also happen to be more present in the subtle nuances of his actions and words rather than visibly at the surface, always being brought attention to. With the other members, many of their traits are extremely present in all of their actions and just the way they are, and for the most part are quite easily interpreted. However with Sehun they tend to be just a tad below the surface - not that they’re hidden, but I find that just like with his confidence, Sehun doesn’t usually bring attention to many of the parts about himself, even though they are overwhelming aspects of who he is. Sehun is someone who is incredibly generous and kindhearted, thoughtful and intelligent, mature and hardworking, humble and shy, playful and caring, and a plethora of amazing traits but I really don’t think a lot of people realize that, or at least to the extent with which they play a part in who he is. And while that can be a bit frustrating, as people so easily misinterpret him on so many occasions, it is also a part of him that I really do love because I personally find an extra beauty that comes from the subtlety in all that he is. Just as with his confidence, Sehun just focuses on being him, his beautiful, lovely, subtle him, and the people who really do care about him and love him will discover all the things that make him so wonderful at heart and love him all the more for it, just as I did.

AN ODD CHILD... Sehun tends to be either composed, calm, and collected or awkward, shy, and embarrassed a majority of the time, but every so now and then he’ll get this sudden burst of energy that fills him with this child-like spirit and he does the oddest things or is extremely hyper and it is adorable :( Be it during concerts when he acts he acts extremely playful - like hyping Suho during Lucky One or flopping around (˹literally...˼) on stage; when he makes his adorably cheeky comments or lame awkward jokes - like “˹oba(haji)ma˼” and ˹Red Velvet˼; when he makes the strangest little faces when he thinks no one’s watching; or does the most random things without any context or explanation - like wearing a ˹cowboy hat˼ in Paris two days straight or in general those odd ambiguous posts on his Instagram. It all just leaves me wondering, “Why...” but even more in love because seeing him happy and energetic and doing whatever his cute little heart desires no matter how odd, when usually he’s quite easily embarrassed and well-put together, is so so endearing and makes it all the more special ;;

ADORABLY SHY / EASILY EMBARRASSED For as tall, handsome, and subtly confident Sehun is, he is equally as tiny, adorable, and slightly awkward at heart, and seeing that difference in how he looks and what you’d expect he’d act like due do that vs. how he really is, is the absolute cutest thing ;;

➥ Shy: Sehun gets so so shy but what I find adorable is that he doesn’t just quietly and calmly shy away from things, but does it in such a way that makes him look so adorably tiny ;; Like during the ˹2016 MMAs˼ when Sehun walked out onto the red carpet a bit earlier than the rest of the members and got so awkward and shy when he saw all the cameras, he turned on his heel and walked straight back to his members like a little child ;; Or during 2017 ISAC, when the camera panned to his face to see his reaction after he scored really low marks, he got so shy and smiled the most ˹overwhelmingly adorable˼ smile it felt like my heart was about to burst at the seams :( Or during the 2017 Gaon Awards, when EXO had to go up to receive their group popularity award right after Sehun received his individual one, and you could see Sehun ˹in the corner˼ as EXO were getting out of their seats smiling so so shyly while constantly puffing up his cheeks like a little chipmunk ;; While these are only a few examples, whenever I see Sehun become so incredibly shy like that I’m always so so endeared because how can someone be that small, that teeny tiny?? :(

➥ Embarrassed: On top of being so shy, he gets embarrassed quite easily, and the way he reacts is the most adorable thing. Sometimes it’s because of something he willingly did himself, like when he did adorably lame but precious hearteus at fans and then started giggling or during the EXO-Love concert where he said he would call his fans ‘˹babies˼’ and then started laughing, twirled, and wiggled like the cutest baby :( What I love about these moments though, is that he never actually regrets what he did, because he genuinely enjoys being silly and playful, despite how utterly embarrassed he can get ;; Then there’s other times where his embarrassment becomes adorable by 10-fold because of how caught off guard he was. Like during one of their concerts when Sehun was going to show off his singing, Chanyeol ˹revealed˼ that Sehun had called him very early morning that day to ask him how he sounded, and while he was telling everyone, Sehun started smiling with such embarrassment and hid his face and slowly crouched to the ground and I just wanted to hug him because how precious is he :( And when there were the zombies dancing during the TT performance at the 2016 MMAs and Sehun was adorably ˹dying˼ from secondhand embarrassment. Or during 2017 ISAC, when Sehun ˹mistook˼ Jeonghan for Johnny, and as Jeonghan turned around, Sehun had the tiniest shocked look on his face but because he’s just that awkward, he simply walked away without even thinking because he was so embarrassed and didn’t know how to deal with what he just did ;; Just seeing Sehun be so tiny like that makes me want to treat him with all the softness and kindness in the world, because anyone who’s that much of a sweetie pie baby at heart deserves it every single bit :(

IS A BABY :( I’m gonna first preface this with one thing! During the For Life fansign, a fan had asked Sehun, “Between being called a baby or a baby chick, which one do you like better?” and he answered, “Neither, I hate both.” And I remember feeling so oddly guilty because I used to call him that relatively often just because of how adorable he unknowingly acts at times. Even though Sehun used to call himself a baby up until that point, I was worried that since fans may have been calling him that so much as of late, he might’ve felt that they weren’t taking him seriously as a mature, grown man anymore. Because of that I try to call him that less often, because even though he won’t know one bit what I’m saying ever, I still felt bad doing something that Sehun expressed he didn’t like ;; But at the same time, he really just acts so teeny tiny at times and has such baby-like tendencies without even knowing it himself, and I can’t help but to call him a baby endearingly from time to time because of that. However even though I do call him a baby - and I know I don’t truly have to clarify this but me being me will do it anyways! - it doesn’t negate all of the wonderful, mature qualities he carries in himself and the ones that I recognize and love so so much, and so I hope it doesn’t come off that way the few times I call him that ;;

But moving on! Like I said, despite being all tall and handsome the way he is, he acts so small in so many ways and it’s just so incredibly endearing ;; What makes it even more adorable is that he does it so unwittingly and oftentimes with this really absentminded, blank expression on his face, that you can tell that it’s genuinely just how he is - a very smol bean in a long, string bean body :( You can see it in the way he talks in general, with all his pouting and little mannerisms to how cutely his eyes curve and sparkle to his voice and way of enunciating itself. You can see it when he jams, how when he’s not going all out and showing off how much of a dancer he is with his little freestyle moves, he’ll usually just stand there and wiggle really absentmindedly and it’s so cute :( You can see it in all the adorable little things he did during the ˹2017 ISAC˼, from wiggling with his hyungs to mistaking his nametag for a pocket to sitting blankly and cutely all by himself. Or all those little moments during ˹Tokyo Dome˼ (fyi this video made me cry, I am awful...), from the way he ran with Kyungsoo and Chen to his little :o expression when he dropped the ball to when he leaned so close to the camera. In the way he was so adorably and softly focused on putting a water bottle inside this teeny ˹baby bag˼ so that he could give to one of the fans - I mean, look at his soft, chub cheeks when he does this :( Or that one time someone threw a ˹bubble˼ gun on stage and Sehun was playing with it with the widest smile and happiest expression on his face as if it was the most fascinating thing in the world. And when he was once in a grocery store and then just plopped the shopping basket ˹on his head˼ and walked around blankly, without a care in the world. When they were doing their rehearsals for the DMC concert and Sehun messed up the choreo and then adorable ˹waddled˼ around. How even though he towers over most of the members, he still always tries to rest his head on their ˹shoulders˼ or ˹clings˼ on to them as if he was only two feet tall. In the way he so adorably throws a ˹basketball˼, jumping so cutely and then throwing his hands back and balling his cute little fists like a toddler :( And when he went to Disneyland and wore his snapback with a Mickey Mouse headband and a princess tiara. Or when he took the ˹Vivi toy˼ and spent his last minutes on stage adorably saying, “Vivi says see you next time!” in Mandarin - though he called the fans ‘shrimps’ the first time by mistake lmao. And when he and Baekhyun found a ˹puppy Toy˼ that could walk, and as they both watched so excitedly, Chen came and kicked it over, and the offended look on Sehun’s face and the way he stomped his little feetsies is quite literally the cutest thing, do not even attempt to fight me on this! I could really go on and on but goodness, he’s just so tiny and adorable ;; Honestly, just when I think I can’t possibly love Sehun any more, he always does something adorable like this and proves me wrong, because how can I not give this boy who’s such a soft baby at heart all the love in the world :(

HIS LOVE FOR VIVI If I thought that it wasn’t possible for Sehun to be even more precious, his love for Vivi and the way he is with him proved me all sorts of wrong ;; The way Sehun talks about him, cherishes him, and treats him is honest to goodness the most adorable thing, and also proves even more to me how kindhearted Sehun is :( You can tell just how smitten and endeared with Vivi he is by the way he talked about him during his interview for the Japanese ˹ViVi˼ magazine - because of course, Sehun brought him up like the true dog dad he is. He had said that when he was in a slump because of worries related to his work, he saw Vivi in the pet store and immediately thought, “This little one will give me strength!” and after much deliberation decided to name him Vivi because it meant ‘to be alive’ (though I think he was referring to ‘vie’ meaning ‘life’ rather than alive ;; but it ok), and now whenever he’s free he spends day and night with Vivi and even sleeps with him in the same bed. Then after talking so much about Vivi, his beloved son, Sehun got so overwhelmed with emotions he literally said that he could melt because he really loves Vivi so much - even the staff said that Sehun had looked the happiest whenever he was talking about Vivi - and if that isn’t the cutest thing!! But if that isn’t enough, the fact that Sehun has any and all forms of Vivi fanmade goods kept in his house proves that he is Vivi’s No.1 fan and it is just :( He has a Vivi ˹phonecase˼, he has Vivi plushies in his room, during concerts he goes and collects himself some Vivi ˹fans˼ and even took one home with him once, and whenever fans show or give him anything Vivi related at fansigns or concerts he always lights up and it’s the cutest thing :( Not to mention that during concerts when fans throw things on stage, if he ever picks any up, he’ll play with them but when he’s exiting the stage and the doors are closing he’ll always leave the toys behind. However when it comes to Vivi toys, he takes it back with him and I just find that so endearing ;; He has so much love for Vivi in his heart, and seeing that fills my heart with even more love for him :(

What makes his love for Vivi even more adorable than it already is is the way treats Vivi as if he’s the most precious little gem in his life - which he probably is honestly ;; - and really says a lot about the kind of person Sehun is. The way he always calls Vivi a baby, “my baby,” and gets so worried and protective over him, like when Vivi bit into something and Sehun got his dad instincts into gear and immediately checked to see if Vivi was okay. Or how when he was trying to get Vivi to do tricks, and Vivi wouldn’t budge a single time and was so cutely stubborn, but Sehun never once lost his patience or looked upset or tried to force Vivi to do anything, and instead said that, “It’s okay if Vivi doesn’t know tricks, there isn’t anything important about this.” How he said that every night he prayed that Vivi would live a long, long, healthy life. The way he spammed his Instagram with all those pics of Vivi, such as when he was sleeping or lined Vivi up with all those toys, and captioned them with the most adorable things like, “My love” or “Vivi’s friends.” Or the way he literally tucked Vivi into his jacket and spent the whole day with him just walking on the beach :( He’s just so so precious when it comes to Vivi and it proves that Sehun genuinely is someone who is loving, protective, caring, patient, considerate, and kindhearted (and also that he’s going to be the absolute cutest father if he has children ;;) It really shows how deserving of all the love in the world Sehun really is, because he has so much love in his heart to give, and it makes me happy to know that I can give him even an ounce of it :(

ADORES FANS Sehun might not be as big and outright about his affection for fans in the way that some of the other members are, but that doesn’t negate the fact that he genuinely adores them so so much :( Just the way Sehun simply ˹looks˼ at fans - how his eyes widen, become so bright, and have the cutest little sparkle in them - is filled with so much adoration and fondness, and makes him simultaneously look like an adoring young child but also a loving older brother, and it’s the most adorable thing :( One of my absolute favourite instances of this was during their Nature Republic fansign in 2016, when a fan who wore a pineapple dress and a homemade ‘Sehun’ headband. The full thing is shown ˹here˼, but the way Sehun looked at her was quite simply the most enamoured, adoring gaze I have ever seen and filled with so much sweetness, it overwhelmed me and my heart, so I can only imagine how she felt ;; Then there’s also ˹this˼ video from Tokyo Dome that I had mentioned before, but you can really tell how much he adores fans in the way he so adorably waved at every single one that he possibly could, with the most smitten eyes and adoring smile, and as you already know I cried watching this video because do you see how precious :(

The way he always crouches down during concerts and waves to fans, takes selfies, handed out candies individually instead of throwing randomly, played ˹rock, paper, scissors˼ to tease the fans, cheekily talks to fans as if they’re close friends, asked a fan on his own prerogative if she wanted his hat and then put it on her head ˹himself˼ or when he ˹smiled˼ so sweetly at the fan that shyly kept looking at him - all sorts of little things that may seem nondescript individually, but when you add them all up and how often he does them, really shows how much he absolutely adores them :( Then there’s some of the more outright things he does for fans that endear me even more ;; Sehun gets embarrassed really easily because of how much of an awkward bub he is, but he still always does the most adorable things, like giving fans a million hearteus with the cutest smile and at the most random times and blowing them little kisses. What I love about those moments, though, other than how incredibly shy he gets after, is that he didn’t use to do these things as much in the past, but now he does them with so much frequency and any chance he gets, that you can really see how much fondness and appreciation for fans he’s grown in his heart :( In addition to that, during one of their concerts, Sehun had said that he wanted to show fans his singing side, and I found that so sweet of him because he gets so so shy when he sings, and tends to be really nervous and un-confident when he needs to, but you could tell that he sincerely wanted to sing for fans nonetheless and that he practiced so hard (even calling Chanyeol at night to ask him how he sounded), and I just thought that was adorable :( Then there’s the fact that he’s working so hard to learn Mandarin so that he can interact with his Chinese fans (the ones he has the most of), and I think for someone to learn a whole new language for their fans truly says a lot ;;

I also love when Sehun had said that fans shouldn’t ever feel bad if they’re not able to buy one album, let alone multiple, because he said that EXO will be fine nonetheless, and he would rather the fans spent that money on themselves, friends, and family. And I just thought that was so sweet of him, because people love to look down on fans by saying that their favourite idols don’t care about them and only see them as ‘ATMs’. While of course there are some idols that really do only see their fans like that, seeing Sehun say so outright that he would rather fans spend on themselves than on EXO proves that he genuinely does care for fans. However it isn’t in just the things that you see Sehun do on stage, but the fact that even during his free time he’s always interested in what the fans are up to - by liking fans’ posts, even if it’s things as simple as saying, “I love you” or how happy they were to get his photocard, memes..., replies to them, and even posts things such as fanart, fantakens, or gifs - shows how genuinely he adores them. Lastly, Sehun is always happy and energetic during their concerts in general, but I’ve noticed that he’s always filled with 10x more energy, silliness, smiles and laughter when the venue allows them to be really close to fans, so that he’s able to interact with them, smile to them, and wave at them so much more, and I think it really does show that the fans are a source of happiness for him and that he genuinely loves being around them, and if that isn’t the most precious thing and shows that he loves us as much as we love him, then I don’t know what is :(

IMPORTANCE OF LOYALTY AND RELATIONSHIPS One thing I think most anyone who knows Sehun knows about him is just how important loyalty is to him, and even the members always mention Sehun as being the most loyal of them all. This importance he holds towards loyalty and relationships in general is evident in so many of the things he does and says, and it always makes me so so endeared because it reflects just how soft and kindhearted he really is ;;

➥ Loyalty: You can see his sense of loyalty in the way he loves all of the members, be it from the way he wrote them each a mini letter when he didn’t even have to, in how much he cares for and supports them be it openly or behind the scenes, and the way he so obviously adores all of them. You can see it in the way he so genuinely loves the EXO as a whole, be it back in 2013 when he cried and so preciously wished that all of them didn’t fight and would stay together forever (;;;;;) or in how he always uploads those adorable group pictures with the cutest captions that just reiterates that being together with all the boys is when he is the happiest. But he isn’t like this for the members only, but for everyone he knows and has built a relationship with. I remember in 2015 on Teachers’ Day, Sehun took the time and went to visit all of his older teachers, whom he hadn’t seen in years. Or in 2016, one of the stores he frequented a lot was holding a store opening, and Sehun had gone to the location all dressed up and ready only for him to be told that he came on the wrong day. However, he still made the effort and took the time to go back and make sure to attend on the right day, all despite his busy schedule with all the filming, concerts, and promotions and just how exhausted he must’ve been, added to the fact that he had already spent the time to go the previous day. And I just found that so so endearing because you can see just how important being loyal to the people in his life is to him, no matter long ago they were part of it or how big a part they played. Because to him, when he was asked, “When do you feel someone takes a great importance in your life?” he said that he feels it everyday, no matter who they are. And I think his ability to hold everybody who has helped him or been a part of his life in one way or another important to him and to always do a best to stay loyal to them, is so incredibly lovely ;;

➥ Relationships: In addition to loyalty, Sehun genuinely loves building and strengthening relationships with others, and also shows that having those deep connections with people, rather than shallow ones, is incredibly important to him. When he was asked to talk about one thing each in “something good in the old” and “something good in the new” he had mentioned relationships in both, saying that whenever he looked back he’d always come across new things he learned and fond memories and affections from all the relationships he’d formed, saying that those relationships are what holds the greatest importance to him. And when it came to the new, the process of meeting new people, learning from them, and deepening those relationships was something that he looked forward to doing the most. He had even said that the moment in which he feels the most “adult-like” is when an understanding is reached between the people he cares for, and I think that really shows how essential the people around him, and the relationships he has with them, are to who he sees himself as and his growth as a person. Something that really solidified how much he cherishes his friendships, and also made me so incredibly endeared, was when he said that his greatest fear was to be caught lying, even if it was a white lie, because that means that there would be a loss of faith between him and someone he really cares for. And I think the fact that this was the one thing he was scared of the most, and would therefore do anything to prevent, shows just how lovely and genuine at heart he is, and makes me love him all the more for it ;;

CARING Despite how some people see Sehun, he really is someone who is genuinely caring. You can see this side of him in how he supports and cheers for the members both openly and behind the scenes. From the way he went to Suho’s movie premier, but because he couldn’t make it on the actual premiere due to filming for his own movie, he went right after he was done filming late at night, or in how he sent a food truck to the set of Kyungsoo’s movie in support or even went to surprise him flowers during his press conference. Or in how Jongin, Chanyeol, and Suho had all said that the one person who had helped them out the most when it came to practicing their lines and acting was Sehun, and when Suho had said that Sehun had called him and said that he was lonely at home without him but adorably and excitedly wished him the best. You can see it in how he softly takes care of the members when they’re hurt or else-wise, such as when he escorted and supported Xiumin from the red carpet or when he patted Jongin’s back mid-performance when he was struggling to breath or when he ran to give Jongin company when he had to stay seated, or when Suho was doing his V app episode, and Sehun wanted to fight the rude commenters, but because he held himself back he told Suho to not pay attention to them at all, and the list could honestly go on. I even remember when he was asked once what he would wish for, he said that if he could have one thing then it would be the ability to heal all the members when they’re in pain, tired, worried or stressed out, and he had said it with the softest expression on his face that you could tell that seeing his members in any kind of pain genuinely made him sad. In addition to that, he genuinely loves learning and experiencing new things (something I’ll mention in depth later), however he doesn’t just enjoy those things for himself, but also because he felt that through learning these things he could share what he learned with others and help those around him. His desire for caring for and helping others was made even more evident in the fact that he had said that if he was to be born in a household with 9 siblings, he would want to be the oldest so that he could look after them, or that he’ll always tell his members to ‘make use’ of him because he wants to be able to help them, or even in how he told fans to always be considerate and kind to one another. And god, I just found that so so lovely because you can tell that despite him being the youngest and people seeing him as someone playful and immature at times, that he really genuinely has one of the softest, purest, kindest, most caring hearts and it just makes me fall in love with him more :(

THOUGHTFUL / CONSIDERATE A trait that I value a lot in people is their ability to be considerate, not only in terms of the bigger actions that are quite easily noticeable but in the little things as well, that can sometimes go unseen because of how subtle they are that you don’t always realize that it involved any consideration to begin with, because I think it shows just how innate and core that trait is to the person. And what’s wonderful about Sehun is that he is exactly that, and you really can see that he carries that consideration towards others, be it to those who are close to him or those who are not, in everything he does.

➥ Thoughtful: Among other things of course, one of the things that really proved to me how far his thoughtfulness extended was when he was filming for both Catman and My Dear Archimedes, the staff always had stories of all the things that Sehun would do for them - be it bringing them coffee on his first day of filming and ˹bringing them snacks˼ on their last to bringing in whole food support trucks for all of the staff to treat them from time to time, to taking photos and giving autographs ˹graciously˼ and with a smile, to giving his female lead his chair to sit on when she was tired and there was nowhere else to sit, to remembering one of their staff’s ˹graciously˼ and despite his own exhaustion, personally got him a birthday cake to surprise him on that day. These of course are only some examples of many, not only on set but of elsewhere, but even through knowing just a few of the things he does you can really tell how genuine his actions are - that these aren’t just things he did once or twice but things he’s so used to and willing to do because that’s just who he is.

➥ Considerate: However it isn’t only in those more obvious things that you can see how considerate Sehun is but in the smaller things, too. You can tell that Sehun really does his best not to hurt anyone, and will always be careful with every single one of his actions and words because he knows that what he says or does can affect other people. And if by chance he really does something that rubs someone the wrong way, no matter how minor or ridiculous it may seem to others, he will always apologize and promise to be careful in the future. I remember when he was so excited to appear in BoA’s “Who Are You” music video because it was his first time doing something like that on his own, and on his Instagram, he posted a picture because he was so excited and kept replying excitedly to fans. But when he found out that people were upset about it, he deleted his picture and said that he was sorry and that he wouldn’t do such things again to prevent anyone from getting upset in the future. Or when he just landed back in Seoul from a concert overseas and uploaded a video of the good weather expressing how happy he was about it, when people said that it was rude of him because there was damage from an earthquake in Busan, he deleted his post and apologized for that as well. In both cases neither of what he did was in any way his fault, but rather than questioning or ignoring it, he immediately acknowledged that people were hurt by his actions, no matter what he or others thought about it. And I think that his immediate response to apologize for that and fix his actions, rather than anything else, shows how considerate he really is, and that he really does value others’ feelings above anything else.

➥ Gracious and Polite: However it’s not only those more noticeable things he does that I love, but his little mannerisms, too, and seeing how gracious and polite he is to absolutely everyone. I remember when I was watching the Yummy Yummy episodes in which Sehun and Jongin were guests, I kept noticing how gracious and lovely Sehun was the whole time despite being adorable, cheeky, and witty as well. The way he would always respond to the hosts or talk to them in general or the gestures and small actions he did were so lovely to see because I could tell that no matter what situation, holding that sort of grace and consideration was important for him and came so naturally to him, and it was honestly so endearing. Another example that always pops into my mind (once again, one of many) is when he was being ˹interviewed˼ for the SBS Gayos in 2015 and he was just so incredibly lovely during it, even though it was so short and you could tell how exhausted he was, and I don’t know how to describe it into words but just the way he was during that little snippet made him look so soft and gracious and it honestly overwhelmed my heart (and also made me sad because he looked so tired ;;). Even the staff on set for both Catman and My Dear Archimedes were always praising him for how polite and down-to-earth he was despite being someone who was higher profile, and there were so many accounts of him being so kind to everybody. Hearing and seeing so many instances of him always being this gracious to everyone he meets makes my heart swell with so much pride and fondness, and it’s really comforting to know that I can give all my love to someone who’s beautiful inside and out.

GENUINE This can honestly be said about all the EXO members, but I love how genuine Sehun feels and is. I know a lot of people like to say that idols are putting on an image for fans and that what they show isn’t always real, and of course to some extent that’s true. But I genuinely believe that all of the things that Sehun shows us on stage - the things he says, the way he talks, how embarrassed he gets, how kind and humble he is, just everything that I’ve learned about him simply through what I see - are things that genuinely are a part of him, and not something that he does for show. It’s not just because I’ve grown this attached to him or am biased but when I look at how Sehun acts and what he says, it’s something that I really don’t think can be faked? I think it comes from the fact that Sehun is so down-to-earth and quiet, how he doesn’t really do anything loud or boisterous just for show, how the things he says are always so well-thought out, how he can be so innocently awkward and easily embarrassed at times and can’t even hide it, how he never says things just for the sake of it or to do some kind of fanservice - just so so many things that I’ve mentioned already and will mention in the future. It’s honestly really hard to explain orz, but I really think that if you truly pay attention to Sehun to see all of the things that make him him, you’ll realize how genuine he is, because you can see all those little bits of his personality intertwined in the subtle nuances of all of his mannerisms, words, and just the way he acts is. I just love that everything that he does, says, and makes him who he is, aren’t things that are done for show or to prove his worth to anyone or to strategically gather fans, but are just him being him - he doesn’t change who he is just for the stage and that’s something that is easy to see.

But apart from just the feeling of being genuine that he gives off, you can really see it in so many things and how the people who are close to him or have even only been around him for a short time talk about him. I remember someone talking about Sehun’s old Cyworld posts, and I just thought it was so cute because Cyworld is a site where people tend to be really crude and rude, however all of the messages that were found of Sehun’s were of him just being adorable and cheeky and telling everyone to be nice and not insult each other. And I just thought it really showed that Sehun genuinely is a kind person, because even when he was a child, even when his environment was surrounded by negativity, he was still just as adorable as ever, and he remains the same to this day, which really just shows that he’s not faking how good his heart really is ;; On top of that, all of his members treat him so fondly and softly and dote on him so much, in such a way that you can really tell how lovely he is :( But even outside of EXO, the people who have had to work with Sehun or have only met Sehun for a brief amount of time only ever have the nicest things to say and shower him with so many praises both for his work ethic and gracious personality. Every single person who ever crosses his path is always enamoured by how lovely he really is, and that proves to me even more that he doesn’t just act the way he does on stage, but everyday, everywhere he goes, and with everyone he meets. I also love how Sehun never really says things for the sake of saying them, because if he doesn’t genuinely mean something he won’t say it to begin with, and I really appreciate that? And even if he says something that is slightly ridiculous and clear fanserves, he gets so so embarrassed of himself after that it’s adorable ;; Although he really hasn’t done anything like that in the last few years, which proves to me even more that everything he says is genuine. His words are also usually so softspoken and well thought out or plain adorable and awkward that you really can tell that it isn’t staged or some standard script that’s been said by many people hundreds of times before, and I love that :( He might not always be the most witty or funny and his ments might be extremely random, but I know that it’s just him and I really love that. Now of course Sehun isn’t perfect, and there’s parts of him that we don’t see and parts of him that are flaws, but I genuinely believe that Sehun is truly a good, kind, warm, considerate, intelligent, humble person at heart and that I can trust him to be just that without any mask. And the fact that I can trust him to be those things makes me feel more safe to give him all my love because he genuinely deserves it :(

HUMBLE Despite what quite a few people seem to think, Sehun is actually very humble about himself. When it comes to himself, his abilities, achievements, and improvements, Sehun’s never really been the type to bring attention to them. He sometimes even does it to the point where if you don’t really pay attention you won’t notice it’s there. Not to say his improvements or achievements or abilities are minor - quite the opposite really - but he’s just so quiet about it that people tend to let it slip under their radar and assume that it was always there to begin with. And even though that sometimes makes me sad, because I wish people really did notice how hard Sehun works, at the same time I love that quiet humility he has. He pays attention to what people have to say and takes criticisms well, and works on improving those areas behind the scenes. He does it so thoroughly and gradually and without any fanfare, and to watch that smooth transition in his improvements and the humility with which he handles it is just really wonderful. He hardly ever compliments himself, or even shows off be it with his dancing, personality, or his looks, and I think his ability to acknowledge all the good in him and be proud of himself, while also staying humble, is very integral to who he is.

In addition to that, he’s really quite bashful. He isn’t the type of person who loves to be the absolute center of attention (unless completely necessary ofc, then he takes it in stride), so whenever he's the topic of conversation or is being drawn attention to, he always gets so shy. He also really never lets the attention linger on him. If complimented he’ll either smile softly and shake his head or he’ll start fidgeting a little and try to act like he didn’t fully hear / try to hide how happy the compliment made him. Other times he’ll acknowledge what’s being said (in a very calm, cutely agreeing way) or he’ll sit quietly (which sometimes people seem to mistaken as him being cheekily confident) to ensure that the attention doesn’t stay on him for too long, since if he doesn’t indulge then everyone will move on. Sometimes I wish he’d let himself get complimented and bask in the praises people give him, but at the same time it’s honestly so so endearing and one of my favourite traits of his, as well as one of the things that goes to show how small and lovely he really is at heart.

KNOWS WHO HE IS, WHAT HE’S CAPABLE OF, AND WHAT HE WANTS Something that I love about Sehun and really appreciate about him in ways words can’t fully describe is just how much of his own person he is? It’s something that’s always made me oddly proud of him, and I think also shows that he truly is confident in himself. But not in an obnoxious way, rather in a way that really makes him happy and motivates him for his future, while still being incredibly humble and bashful. What really struck me the most was when he was asked who his role model is and he had answered that he didn’t have one specific role model. That he found that there was something to learn from everyone around him, that they all had traits that he could look up to and idolize, and that he felt that being able to recognize the good in others and find the good in yourself through that was how he looked at life and growth. Seeing that rather than trying to emulate a specific individual or two, he would look up to the best in everyone and work on being the best version of himself, was really interesting because it was honestly the first time I had really seen anyone answer in that way? And it honestly was something really lovely to hear and made me happy because I could tell that he really was content with who he was, because sometimes he’s so quiet about his talents, goals, hard work, and all the things that make him so perfectly him that it’s hard to tell, but that at the same time he was always looking forward to growth and willing to improve himself, and it just made me so so proud :(

I think because of that, because of him knowing who he is and being confident in himself, while still always looking for ways to grow, it’s also helped him learn what exactly he’s capable of and given him the motivation to work towards goals he’s set for himself due to that. But rather than aggressively working towards those goals, he instead is someone who in a sense goes with the flow - he lets himself experience and learn things at his own pace, and takes the time to figure himself out so he knows how best to move forward. And I think that’s something that is really evident in how he’s grown as an idol, considering he never really had thoughts to be one in the first place. You could see that right from the get-go, in the fact that he was scouted off the streets and had no previous dance experience, but through becoming a trainee and slowly growing into himself and that eagerness to learn, he naturally fell into being the dancer in the group - ofc with no shortage of hard work ;; And despite people constantly... constantly... doubting that he is, I can see that there is no doubt in his mind that he really does love to dance and wants to continually improve himself, regardless of the bias people have set against him. You can also see it in the fact that for quite a long time he never really expressed what his goals through being an idol were, but through becoming more comfortable with his new idol life and slowly exploring and experiencing new things and learning about himself through that, he finally was able to confidently say that his main two desires were to be a model and an actor. And I remember when I first saw him say that, I was just really happy for him because I could tell that he really deliberated on what exactly he wants and what exactly he was capable of, and it might’ve taken him a few years to get there, but seeing him so confident and set on those new goals was just really lovely to see.

Even more so on the topic of him moving with the flow, you can tell that he doesn’t feel hindered by obstacles and forks-in-the-path that he might encounter along the way. But rather it’s quite the opposite, because time and time again whenever he’s been asked between the clear, straight path vs. the more dynamic one, he will always choose the latter because he knows that despite it being tough, he would rather go through it and grow from those experiences, because he feels that it would only benefit his future and help him learn about himself. Even when he was asked about his earliest memory, he talked about when he was young and played this one arcade game (to the point where he was no.1 in his town ;;), and mentioned that he had to use the ₩100 coin, which was a very big amount at that age, but because it was one that he had earned through his own efforts, he cherished what he earned through it even more. And when asked between the past, present, or future being more important, he said that he never really considered anything such as the present because every second and minute gone by is already in the past and so he must continue looking into the future. Or that his favourite time of day is the complete dawn because it’s when it’s the most quiet and he can really think about his life, future, desires, and worries. And goodness, even through writing this all out it made me realize that despite how calmly he goes through life and that even though he just goes with the flow and doesn’t aggressively attack his goals, he is every bit as ambitious and hardworking as anybody, though many people may not realize it. The way he approaches his goals and the way he sees himself and the way he looks forward to life with such a softly eager and open mind fills my heart with so much pride and warmth. And it really shows that despite how soft, adorable, and baby-like he can be at times, he is every bit as mature and I just find it really lovely ;;

INTELLIGENT / INSIGHTFUL One of the things that pleasantly surprised me - not because I never thought he had it in him but rather the extent to which he had it - was just how intelligent he was? I don’t mean in the sense of being book smart but more so the way his mind works and how insightful his way of thinking is. The number one catalyst for me gaining this whole new perspective on Sehun was his interview for the EX’ACT album (˹Part 1˼ / ˹Part 2˼ / ˹Part 3˼) because his answers to every question were so well thought out and incredibly unique, and it really shows his perspective on life, and it was honestly so so fascinating? This interview will also be referenced throughout this post because I gained a whole new appreciation for the traits I already knew and loved through it ;;

But one thing that I truly learned about Sehun from this interview was his passion of learning and experiencing new things? I knew that he loved adventure, but seeing that it wasn’t only for the thrill of it all but rather for him to gain new learning experiences was so lovely. Whenever asked a question that involved choosing the known, easy, comfortable path vs. the new, hard, unexplored path, he would always choose the latter because he loved the idea of being able to learn new things and most importantly lead a dynamic life through it. And when asked if he could have a doppelgänger, what would he be like, he said that he wished he was the complete opposite, because he felt that through that he could learn so many new ways of thinking and logic and him and his doppelgänger could learn from each other. Or when he was asked what role he would want to take if he was born in a household with 9 siblings, he had said the oldest because even if it was tiring and hectic, being able to take care of all the things you need to do despite that would be really satisfying. Seeing him so excited about the prospect of learning new things and gaining new experiences, not only for the bigger perspective but also for the little things he’d learn on the way, was incredibly endearing and showed just how eager his outlook on life is, and really reflected a lot about who he is. It’s hard to explain in words orz, and there’s so many things he said in the interview that I could go on and on about, and will during this whole post, but I feel that reading his interview would allow everyone to gain the same appreciation for this side of him as I have ;;

However, the last thing I would like to point out from this interview, is the way in which he worded all of his thoughts as well? I remember getting an ask from someone once that described the way he talked as being “realistically poetic” and I thought it was the perfect way to describe it because that really was what it was ;; I think that the true meaning of what he was saying was lost a bit in translation and would’ve had its most impact in Korean, but I think that really goes to show how intelligent and unique his way of thinking is. Something that is hard to describe in words and transcends any form of language because of how complex yet simple and insightful it really is, and it was just so extremely wonderful to learn about this whole new side of him. I don’t think a lot of people give Sehun enough credit for how intelligent he really is. He sometimes gets labelled as immature and the image that some of his fans or people in general have or perpetuate of him is that of his thoughts being vacuous. But this interview really goes to show that people couldn’t have been more wrong, and not only was I endeared by everything he said, but I really gained a new appreciation for the kind of person he is. He’s just such a complex person with so many intricate thoughts and a beautiful way of looking at life, and while it isn’t one that I personally connect with, it’s something that really made me grow to love him more ;;

LOVE FOR TRAVEL This isn’t a huge factor, but it is something that I find really endearing about him, and it’s just how much he loves to travel ;; But not only because he loves to see where his little adventures take him and to give him opportunities to gain new experiences, learn about new cultures, and meet new people, but because of the simple reason of how genuinely he really enjoys it. Plus seeing him spam his Instagram with all sorts of (slightly vague and attempts to be aesthetic) pictures of his travels, all the new things he saw, and how excited he is to share it with everyone is honestly just really adorable :( And it makes me feel like, despite how introverted and anxious I really am, I would go with him anywhere because he’s just such a happy, free-spirited, easygoing bean :( I feel like I should end this with something deep, but honestly he’s just really adorable and seeing something as simple as going out randomly and eating at a rest stop with friends makes him happy is the most endearing thing :(

HOW MUCH HE’S GROWN One of the best parts about stanning someone is seeing how much they’ve grown over the years, not only in terms of their career but as a person themselves. EXO as a whole have of course become a lot less awkward compared to when they debuted, but looking at Sehun’s growth as a person is just really rewarding and makes me so so proud. When they debuted, Sehun was so incredibly shy and awkward and he always tried to hide as much as possible, trying not to be in the spotlight and if he was thrust into it, then he’d laugh awkwardly and almost shrink himself and just be so teeny tiny that you’d want to keep him safe in your pocket. He seemed so lost and confused and in awe of this new world that he was a part of and it was adorable seeing his eyes so bright with wonder, smile so full of innocence, and mannerisms so incredibly awkward. But as the years have gone by, Sehun has become so much more comfortable with who he is and he’s really grown into himself? The way he carries himself now is so different than it was before, and rather than being tiny and awkward and waddling around he walks with such confidence and this air of knowing who he is and what he wants. And he really does know what he wants and how he works to approach it, as I mentioned before, and seeing him filled with such purpose and direction, having finally found his own interests and passions, and how hard he works towards them and to improve, is just really wonderful to see and makes me so so happy for him. Now he’s gotten so many more lines in songs, has continued to receive so many solo/dance-line dancing opportunities, and received acting rolls and popularity awards on his own and it’s just really nice to see how he’s growing in his career through this new found direction with where he wants to go, the support he’s gained from fans, and of course his own hard work.

Not to mention that he’s become so much more mature and grown in general, and that while he might be the youngest in the group he carries a huge sense of responsibility on his shoulder and doesn’t shy away from leading, even if it’s behind the scenes. The members themselves have said that Sehun is someone who helps the group come to quick decisions during hard times and have even said that Sehun is like a glue to the whole group. And I think that really says a lot about how much effort he pours into EXO and the importance he puts in taking an active role in it as well, not just as a contributing member but as someone who helps give the group shape, direction, and energy. He also does his best to stay strong for the group and like a rock, but you can tell how soft he is inside. I remember during his speech for the 2016 MAMAs, he talked with such confidence and fluidity, but once he was done he ˹hid˼ behind the members and you could see that he was trying so hard to ˹hold in˼ his tears, and once he was able to he walked back to the front and waved to the fans, and it was so overwhelmingly lovely that it made me simultaneously both upset and proud ;;

I just love seeing how much he’s changed and grown into himself, and that while he’s still awkward and shy and easily embarrassed, he’s gained so much confidence to be able to take the spotlight on his own while still having so much humility. It’s something that I can trace just through watching the ways in which he’s carried himself over the years while giving award speeches, which sounds odd but you can really tell a lot? He used to always be so awkward and would hide and shy away from having to give speeches and would only do so when his other members coaxed him into giving them. And when he would give them he’d always be so awkward and shy and not really know what to say while having this cute little smile on his face the whole time. But then during the 2014 MAMA speeches, when Suho was about to start off their speech after receiving the Artist of the Year award, Sehun had quietly come to the front and without even saying a word he gave this look to Suho who softly let him take the mic. And while Sehun didn’t say much other than a few words, his eyes were so full of tears and his voice was a little tight because he was holding them in, and you could see just how overcome with emotions he was it was really touching. And you could tell that Suho didn’t expect Sehun to do that because in the past he’d always shy away, so seeing him do that really showed how much he had grown up in those two years. And then you come to his 2016 MAMA speech where Sehun once again took the mic without a hint of shying away, only this time he had spoken so softly but with such confidence and resolution, saying each of his words deliberately and meaningfully, and giving quite a long speech, more than he’s ever said before, and you could see just how comfortable with himself he’s now grown.

Seeing that progression from Sehun being shy and awkward and always hiding, to finally understanding the weight of all that he’s doing and learning how to take it in stride, to someone who knows where he is and where he wants to go and how he’s going to get there and being so confident, humble, hardworking, intelligent and kind, makes me excited to see where he’ll go next and proud to see how far he’s come. It’s made me learn so much more about him and appreciate him for all that he is and given me so many more reasons to love him, and I only know it’ll keep growing like this in the future.

ALL THE LITTLE THINGS Even more so than with his physical features, all of the little things he does are so so special to me, no matter how tiny and insignificant they seem. They’re all a part of him and they all, in their little ways, reflect who he is, and because of that I can’t help but to love and be endeared by every single one :( I love how when he’s left to his own devices he just starts fidgeting around a little like a small child. Or the fact that 90% of the time you look at him, his mouth is just hanging open and I really don’t know why but nonetheless he looks so cutely blank and lost :( I love when he talks and is being so expressive that his eyebrows are just flying all over the place, or even when he just stares at something really intensely or confusedly and they furrow in the most adorable way. I love how much he loves his V-sign pose, so much so that when he went to Paris Fashion Week he did it in every single photo to the point where his manager told him to ˹stop˼ (but he couldn’t help himself and did it in his pocket). I love that he absolutely ˹cannot˼ wink but rather just scrunches his face and blinks off beat, and yet at times he tries ˹so hard˼ to anyways and ends up looking adorable :( I love the :[ face (dubbed ˹turtle face˼ by me) he makes, either ˹absentmindedly˼ or in this weird ˹little smile˼, because he just looks so small and his cheeks get so squishy :( I love how he looks like a little kitten when he sticks his ˹tongue out˼, ˹bites˼ his lower lip, ˹looks up˼ with the brightest eyes, and even in how he ˹rubs˼ his eyes - though he incidentally is scared of cats orz. And even though he looks adorable and beautiful always, and has some of the best skin I’ve seen, whenever he gets a little pimple, he always tries his hardest to hide it, though he isn’t very subtle about it ;; Or when he gets a little shy when attention is brought on to him he rubs his ear. And how even when he’s not drinking water he’s always ˹puffing˼ up his cheeks like a baby chipmunk, which he also sometimes does out of shyness. I love when he’s giving speeches he always ˹clasps˼ his hands in front of him in the most polite way, but then when he gets nervous and wants to seem confident he puts them on his ˹hips˼. And when he makes a joke how he’ll always say it nonchalantly but then as soon as he sees people laughing at what he said, he smiles so slightly but so proudly :( Or the fact that whenever he says bye-bye he ends up saying ˹bba-bba˼ instead, and it always upsets me so much because god could he get any cuter :( I could honestly go on and on because there are so many little things I love that it’d be hard to list them all (though you know I’m going to try anyways ;;) and I know that whenever I see him I’m bound to notice something new. But I think it would really be an understatement to say that I genuinely do love all the things that make Sehun him, no matter how obvious or small, because they’re all a part of him, and he is who I love :(

T A L E N T S / I N T E R E S T S / W O R K E T H I C —

DANCING I could talk forever about what makes Sehun such a great dancer, but because I have so many things I want to say they all tend to get jumbled together, so //fingers crossed// that this all comes out right orz. Now I know that there - for whatever reason - is a lot of debate on whether Sehun can dance and should even be considered a dancer. But honestly despite any flaws he might have as one and areas he needs to improve on, there has never been even a shadow of a doubt in my mind that Sehun is talented in dancing and that he is part of the dance line and is a dancer.

➥ Why He Can Dance: Whenever I see people say that Sehun can’t dance, I always wonder if they’ve looked at a person who actually can’t dance, because if they have they would realize that Sehun most definitely is not one of them. There’s several things that Sehun has that sets him apart from the non-dancers, and I’ll expand on these more later but! Sehun has incredible technique that allows him to dance each move with such accuracy, allowing him to hit every single move the exact way it should while still infusing his own style into them so that it doesn’t look textbook. He also has amazing control over his body and it’s what ensures that none of his moves look sloppy and keeps him so perfectly on beat no matter how fast it is. His lines are also all so elegant but sculpted and adds this extra element of sharpness and precision to each of his moves. He pays attention to all the little details in a dance and is the member with the best footwork (something even Jongin himself said), and it’s what allows him to add personal touches to the choreography and to mold each move so that it matches the song rather than doing something standard. He also knows where and how to exert power into a move so that it doesn’t sacrifice the move and the performance itself, which I think is something that is incredibly important for an actual dancer to have. Not to mention he has an actual distinguishable and unique style that belongs to him and is something that translates into solos and dance line performance opportunities, and separates him from someone who can simply dance to a prescribed choreography.

Which brings me to my other point, the fact that he actually receives solo and dance line performances - something that someone who isn’t a dancer and can’t dance wouldn’t receive, because the professionals that work within the company and know the members’ capabilities know that they wouldn’t be able to handle it, and yet here Sehun is, consistently receiving them. Not to mention that during group performances, especially during their EXO’rdium concerts in which they usually split into groups where Sehun, Jongin, and Yixing each ‘lead’ a sub group, and really just in general, when you look at Sehun dancing with non-dancer members, you can really tell that Sehun is someone who truly knows what he’s doing. When comparing them to Sehun, you can see that they lack a lot of that same technique, control, eye for detail and individual style, and aren’t able to accurately keep up with the beat of the song/Sehun. However, when Sehun joins Jongin and Yixing - while they all have individual styles - there’s such a beautiful harmony and consistency between them, and you can really tell why they’re set apart from the rest. I think one of the best examples of what exactly I mean is during their performance of ˹Transformer˼. And in the end, if the members themselves agree that Sehun can dance, if the professionals within the company agree that Sehun can dance, if those who know dance/are dancers agree that Sehun can dance, if the people who attend their concerts say that they were amazed by how well Sehun can dance, and if my own eyes can see that Sehun can dance - then Sehun truly is talented in dancing and deserves his title of being a dancer.

➥ His Style: While Sehun actually isn’t my favourite dancer in EXO in terms of styles (that’s Yixing), I really enjoy the way he dances, and whenever I watch him my heart always swells with so much pride and love because I really love seeing him and all the things that make him such a great dancer. One thing I love about Sehun’s dancing is just how technically on point it is, and with how much accuracy Sehun executes all the moves. The amount of control he has over his body plays a huge part in this because it ensures that none of Sehun’s move are ever really sloppy (save for some cases, but that is for later) and are incredibly on beat. And that’s something that is really enjoyable to watch when there are faster-paced choreos and/or more pronounced beats in a song and Sehun moves so perfectly in time with each and every single one of them while still maintaining the integrity of the move, something you could really see in his performance of ˹Beats˼. If you lack that control, staying on beat tends to sacrifice the quality of the move itself, but this never is the case with Sehun. So for someone who enjoys technical dancers/dances over theatrical/performance based ones such as myself, it’s something about Sehun’s style that I really appreciate. He also has this elegant grace to his moves but at the same time is very sharp and angular, which - while isn’t suited for all genres - is oddly satisfying to watch and adds this cool air to each of the moves. And that cool and casual but subtly powerful aura that Sehun has when he dances, allows him to make the moves look attractive and eye-catching without actually altering or exaggerating the move itself - an ability of his that I honestly love to bits ;; While he is sharp, Sehun also has this really nice element of fluidity and smoothness when it comes to certain moves, and I think the best example of this is during his 2017 Gaon ˹solo˼. The control he has over his body and the elegance of his lines are also something that make his body rolls and chest pops both smooth but extremely technical and it’s something that’s really enjoyable to watch in choreographies such as Artificial Love, Thunder, and One and Only, just to name a few. And I know that most people tend to enjoy really expressive facial expressions while dancing, but I love that Sehun focuses most of that intensity in his gaze and subtle expressions because it adds to that same casual but powerful aura that is so uniquely his. That subtlety is something, as I mentioned earlier, that really shows how confident and skilled Sehun is at dancing and I find it really rewarding to watch.

One thing that I love the most about how he dances however is just how in tune with the moves and the song he is and it’s something that I see in a lot of how he carries himself while dancing. What I’ve noticed among some of the others’ when they dance is that some of the expressions, mannerisms, and amount of power exerted into the moves is somewhat standard (meaning that it isn’t matched to the song, but the same no matter what performance) and a little planned. And while that’s of course not a bad thing as it ensures that their performance isn’t bland or expressionless, what I love about Sehun’s style is that he makes sure to mold every aspect of the choreography and each individual move to the song. Rather than planning out what expressions to make and what mannerisms to do, he just lets it come naturally through him, allowing his moves and expressions to be really organic. It’s just really nice to watch him dance in such an unforced way, to see how everything just naturally comes to him, and it once again allows the moves to speak for themselves and his confidence and aura to shine through without needing any form of enhancement or exaggeration. To be more specific, though, starting with his facial expressions, while some might think it’s a little bland, I really do love how simply he expresses himself and that while his expressions might be softer, his gaze is always so intense. It once again adds to his casual aura and natural execution of the moves, and I also love that he isn’t forcing expressions just for the sake of making them and doing what he finds the most comfortable and suitable for the performance. In terms of exerting power, rather than using up energy and exaggerating moves simply for the sake of making the moves look more powerful - which can oftentimes be misplaced and can make the moves look sloppy, distracting from the performance - Sehun knows when and how to exert that intensity and power depending on a move’s place in the choreo and the vibe of the song. For example, when it comes to hip thrusts most tend to do it in the same sensual, powerful, exaggerated way for each song regardless of what the thrust’s place in the choreo really is. However Sehun makes sure to match the thrust to each song, and hence the power placed into the thrust and the sensual vs. casual aura of it varies from song to song, such as CMB and Lucky One to Exodus and so on. And lastly I love the little details he adds to some moves, such as that fancy bit of footwork before the second chorus of Love Me Right, the way his hands creep across his chest in the first verse of Monster, and certain hand movements in White Noise, and his little mannerisms that he lets organically flow through him rather than planning/forcing them out. It just really shows to me that he’s letting himself ‘feel’ the music and be in tune with all that the song and performance is rather than focusing too much on giving the impression of doing all that. It’s something that honestly makes the details and mannerisms look a lot less awkward due to that (especially because I am someone that cringes really easily if something seems staged instead of natural ;;) and allows me to enjoy the performance more. It’s one of the reasons why ˹White Noise˼ is one of my favourite performances of EXO’rdium to watch Sehun in ;;

I really could go on and on (as if I haven’t already) because there’s so many aspects of Sehun’s dancing and style that I genuinely enjoy that it’s hard to articulate everything (and also make it make sense, which I might not have orz), but I think that intricacy in all the layers of Sehun’s dancing and the amount of skills and talent required to execute them is enough to show just how wonderful of a dancer he is, and also prove that he truly is a dancer, whether you enjoy his style or not.

➥ Improvement: Now of course, I know that Sehun isn’t a perfect dancer, and that there are areas that he does need to focus on improving. Namely, his lack of control when it comes to wider arm movements, smoothness of the hips, as well as consistent energy placed into each performance. However in all of these things, Sehun has continually been improving over the years, and really other than the wider arm movements - in which while he has improved, there’s still more to go - these issues are nowhere near as profound as they were a few years ago because of how much he’s improved in them. Especially in just within the last year, Sehun’s hip movements have become a lot smoother - something you can see in the EXO’luXion vs. EXO’rdium Playboy performances - and you can really tell that Sehun is doing his utmost best to improve himself. In addition to that, Sehun hadn’t perfectly evolved what his genre of dancing was but in 2016 you can see that he was finally able to settle into it, which shows how continually he’s working to improve himself. And while of course Sehun isn’t completely suited to all genres (predominantly the more contemporary ones of Baby Don’t Cry and One and Only), he’s still able to execute the choreos with accuracy and his own elegance and style, and it’s always lovely to watch him. Seeing Sehun always improve himself over the years and be able to pull off more complex choreos as well as dance even better in choreos that aren’t his genre is really wonderful to see and makes me so so proud and excited to see how much more he’ll improve in the future. And I really can’t wait until more and more people realize how talented Sehun really is when it comes to dancing as he continues to better himself in the coming years.

ACTING This section is going to be left blank for now as his debut acting releases ended up being delayed, but I will say that Sehun is someone who has quite a bit of potential. And given the fact that for the last few years this is what one of his goals for his career was, added to the fact that the people on set for both Catman and My Dear Archimedes praised Sehun endlessly, I can only imagine how much hard work and effort he put into his roles and the passion he had for it, and that whatever the outcome he really did do his absolute best and given his work ethic he’ll continue to hone his skills as time goes on.

FASHION Sehun’s huge interest in fashion is such an endearing thing (and I realize I’ve said this for about the 92834th time but I really do love everything about Sehun, I can’t help it ;;) and it makes me really happy to know that he has something that he genuinely loves. And the climax of it all was when he went to Louis Vuitton’s show at Paris Fashion Week 2017, and had garnered so much attention and hype merely from arriving at the venue that everyone couldn’t help but to take notice and be curious as to who he was, had Vogue ˹themselves˼ name him the best dressed man at the show and had showered him with so many phrases, and just in general got so much attention on an international scale. Because I know that he must’ve meticulously kept up with the latest trends and planned his outfit out perfectly to match the event that he was going to and just did his absolute best, so seeing him make a name for himself - however small it might be currently - in something that he genuinely loves and works hard for made me so happy and proud in ways words can’t describe. He must’ve been so ecstatic about this all, too, and that just makes this all that much more wonderful so I really hope that Sehun will continue to be met with praises and recognition like this, not just in fashion but in everything he works so hard for, because he really deserves it and I want him to be happy :(

SINGING (and rapping) While I don’t think of Sehun as being anywhere near a vocalist or someone who currently possesses the skills of being truly able to sing, whenever I hear his singing voice in songs from the last couple of years, I find myself repeating them over and over again because he genuinely sounds so so adorable and soft and it makes my heart feel so incredibly overwhelmed ;; In fact, if I listen to Sehun singing, you can guarantee I’ll be pouting by myself for the next couple of hours because it makes me so happy to hear him :( I’ve found that when a non-vocalist member sings a part in a song, it tends to disrupt the flow because the tone of their voice doesn’t always fit and their lack of technique is made evident - and while of course for fans it’s nice to hear it, it can be a little jarring. And quite honestly, Sehun’s singing voice used to be like that before the release of First Love (at the earliest), so that even though I found Sehun’s voice adorable, it would usually disrupt the song. But I can tell that he’s genuinely been working on the tone of his voice and general stability because in recent years, namely in Sing For You and For Life, Sehun’s voice in the little lines he gets fits in so well with the song and can’t help but to endear the listener because he sounds so sweet and angelic. His voice isn’t technically complex or vocally skilled but there’s an adorably soft quality to it, and it makes me so so proud to see how much he’s improved in that sense, and it’s genuinely nice to listen to his parts in these songs however short they are ;; Not to mention that his facial ˹expressions˼ when he sings are always so adorably soft and he really looks like a little angel when he does, which makes watching and hearing him sing that much more overwhelming for my heart :(

I really think that if Sehun were to practice and work on his voice even more, he’d be able to earn himself a longer line in a song, because at this point his tone isn’t really what’s hindering him in any way (which it was in the past) but rather his confidence. So I really hope that he receives the encouragement from fans to keep on improving, because I can tell that Sehun has very little confidence and gets incredibly nervous when he sings. I remember during Sing For You, whenever Sehun’s part came on, his face would always stiffen and he’d look straight at the ground, and oftentimes was so nervous to sing that he’d sing quietly and let the playback take over. And during one of their Japan concerts in 2016, he wanted to sing for fans but was so embarrassed to, that he couldn’t even articulate his words properly before he started singing and stuttered, and then once he was done he went and hid behind a while because he was so shy :( Seeing him be so nervous like that is the most endearing thing because he really is so soft and lovely. It also shows that he really is aware of his abilities and doesn’t want to embarrass himself or disappoint anybody, which only makes me want to encourage him more because he deserves to feel confident and to not feel like he’s let anyone down. But it made me happy to see during their Malaysian concert in March that this time when he was asked to sing he looked so much less nervous and was even able to joke around, and hardly hesitated when he was asked to sing and then when he was done he didn’t shy away and instead said that he would do better next time. And seeing that difference in confidence between just ˹October 2016˼ and ˹March 2017˼ makes me so proud and incredibly happy for him because he really deserves to feel better about himself :( It makes me excited to see how much farther he’ll go in the future when it comes to his singing, because now that he’s working on his tone and his confidence is gradually increasing, I can only imagine how far he’ll go ;; Just like with everything else about Sehun, being with him on his journey as he improves every aspect of himself is such a lovely and rewarding part of being his stan and makes me ever more proud of him as the days go by.

As an extra note, though, I’ve also noticed that Sehun has become so much more confident and charismatic during his rapping parts and is a lot more stable on stage, and the amount of lines he gets in each song keeps increasing as time goes on and it just really makes me so happy :( I love hearing his voice in songs, be it when he raps or when he sings, and while he not be a legitimate rapper or singer it is just as lovely to hear his voice :( Seeing him rap during ˹Do It Together˼ is really one of the most rewarding things because you can see how confident and into it is and he’s so happy on stage during that song, and it’s a real joy to watch. So I can’t wait for him to continually improve, become more confident, and receive more lines in the future because seeing Sehun that happy and proud of himself is something I really want for him ;;

HARD WORKING AND TAKES WORK SERIOUSLY While I feel that there is this odd general perception that Sehun is complacent when it comes to his career, it couldn’t be any more opposite from the truth. Apart from what I’ve mentioned already with Sehun taking small lead roles within the group behind the scenes, how he works to continually improve himself in many aspects, and how he works towards his goals with enthusiasm and an eagerness to learn no matter what obstacles are set before him, one of the best examples that point towards how hardworking he really is comes from the accounts of staff and co-actors from Catman and My Dear Archimedes. ˹Wu Qian˼ (Sehun’s female lead in Catman) had said that whenever she had a scene with Sehun, that she could really tell that he had done a lot of homework on his character, and that the amount of hard work Sehun had poured into his role was something you really couldn’t fake to anyone, saying that it was seldom that to see such a hardworking actor. In the case of My Dear Archimedes, the author of the book itself had so many praises to shower Sehun with. The full thing can be read ˹here˼, but the author was essentially saying that Sehun was an extremely professional actor, that not only read only his lines but every one else’s as well, that he made sure to understand the character and spatial relationships clearly, to understand the psyche of his own character perfectly, and that when it was time to act out a scene he wouldn’t have to be reminded of anything because he knew how to do it so well. The directors and other staff had also said that despite Sehun having the status of a singer, he was such a hard working actor. There were honestly a countless amount of things that were said but every single one of them kept praising Sehun’s work ethic and passion (and also how lovely his personality is ;;), and hearing them all made me so incredibly proud of him, because you can really tell how seriously he takes his work. He comes of as quiet and subdued, and people may think he’s just letting everything pass by, when in reality he works so so hard in every single thing he’s given. Acting isn’t something that he randomly wants to try out but truly wants to give his all to, and it’s evident from all of the praises the staff had given him. And I know that he places this same amount of effort and passion into every single thing he does, and the fact that he doesn’t ever bring attention to that process continually proves just how humble he is.

In addition to that, he really loves doing what he does and is always so excited to let everyone see what he’s been working so hard on and it’s the most endearing thing :( I remember back in 2015, Sehun had gotten his first ever solo activity when he had starred in BoA’s “Who Are You” music video. It was such a little thing but he was so excited for the song to release and for everyone to be able to see him in the video that he was excitedly posting on his Instagram and replying to fans and honestly just being like an adorable little child telling every single person of this new fantastic thing he did ;; Then came his 2016 KBS Gayo SeKai water stage and the 2017 Gaon solo, where he kept uploading little ‘teaser’ photos onto his Instagram of each of the stages (especially for his Gaon solo), and you could really tell how excited he was for everyone finally see what he had been working so hard on and I just found that really endearing? Because you really could see just how much he enjoys what he’s doing and that he has a genuine passion for dancing that’s kept growing over the years, amounting in more and more solo opportunities. And seeing him so enthusiastically show them off and gain more and more confidence in his work shows to me just how hard he works and how seriously he takes his career, and that he is so willing to keep going and keep improving. It really just makes me so so proud of and happy for him, and I know that all of this will keep paying off and earn him more and more attention for the hard working (among other countless things) person he really is, giving him all the love and appreciation he truly, and has always, deserved :(

W H A T H E M E A N S T O M E —

STAN TIMELINE (and when I fell hard) I first saw EXO when I was going through my rebellion-from-K-pop stage, so when I saw Luhan’s newly released teaser in my YouTube recommended list, I scoffed at the idea of “an SM group? again?” and moved on my merry way. But then in May of 2012 I happened upon a performance of MAMA and my interest in EXO piqued. So after watching MAMA countlessly and falling in love with History’s choreography, I finally watched the MV for What Is Love, and I saw this quick flash of a clip of this boy dancing in mirror with a second version of himself and wondered who he was. I went on to watch all of EXO’s teasers right from the start to find him, and then finally got to the fateful (and now my forever favourite) Teaser #13 and saw the boy (or well I thought it was two boys at that time) that caught my eye. And after watching how well he danced, I immediately thought to myself, “This is him, this is my bias,” and that boy turned out to be Sehun :( I would like to say that I was a fan right from the beginning (though I guess in a sense I was) however back then the depth to which I stanned a group and my bias in it was extremely shallow and after listening to the full MAMA album and watching a few random shows EXO-K appeared in, I went on to shallowly pay attention to a new group (though EXO remained to the be only group I had ever listened to a full album for, so I think it was honestly meant to be).

I continued to be completely m.i.a. from whatever EXO were up to (though of course I listened to XOXO/Growl when it came out) until Showtime happened, and after realizing that EXO was the one and only group for me, I took the plunge and decided to be a full fan and made this blog in April 2014 (probably the worst time to fully invest yourself in your first ever fandom/group but I’m still here so!). Sehun was still my bias, that had never changed, but it’d be an extreme understatement to say that the Sehun stan I was back then was immensely different from the Sehun stan I am now. You just have to take one look at my tags from back then (actually don’t) and it’d be pretty obvious what I mean ;; Maybe I’ll let myself live, though, because it was only a few months of me getting into the fandom and paying attention to a group in general, let alone Sehun, so you can only expect so much. But after being in the fandom for a few more months, my feelings for Sehun started to run deeper and deeper, and sooner or later it got to the point of where I am now. But for a good long while I didn’t have a clue how I took such a giant leap from the me of mid-2014 to what is eventually the me of now - just what happened that made me fall this damn hard for a boy named Sehun?

Then a few months ago I finally realized what was the turning point of this all and it was during the exact moment that Sehun stepped up to be the first one to give a speech for their Artist of the Year award and MAMA 2014. Not only was that one of the hallmark moments of when Sehun grew up into the person he is today, but it was the moment where it finally struck me just how lovely Sehun really was and what his heart was, and is still, made of. Before that moment I used to just see Sehun as some adorable, goofy boy, who could dance and was quite handsome. But after seeing him give that speech - seeing the tears welling in his eyes and how overwhelmed he was, how he might have only said a few short words but were filled with such significance and appreciation, seeing him step out of his comfort zone from behind his members, and literally just seeing him grow up right in front of my eyes in that one short moment - overcame my heart with this huge rush of indescribable feelings. It flushed out any of the simple, shallow feelings that were contained in it before and filled it with an ever-growing pride, love, and appreciation for the person that he was. From that moment on the emotions I attached to Sehun were nothing but the softest and the strongest, and as I continued to learn more about him as each day passed by, the more for him I fell, the more he played a significant part in my life, and the more important to me he became.

While I always feel oddly sad that I wasn’t around for two years, because I missed so much of his initial growth and the adorable, tiny peanut he used to be, and lost out on that much more time that I could’ve loved and appreciated him for, I know that I’ll be here until the end, loving him 100-fold for all the times that I missed. Because each time I think that I couldn’t possibly love him more, he manages to prove me wrong each and every single time, and as much as I love him now I can only imagine how much more I’ll love him in the future. It’s odd to think how it all began, and how that one little thing I did by clicking on EXO’s performance of MAMA by chance, ended up leading to me to one of my most favourite people in the world and someone who’s incredibly important to my life, but I sure am glad that it did :(

A DIFFERENT SIDE OF ME This part is going to have to be broken down into three mini sections because I really can’t shut up orz. They’re all intertwined with each other but for the sake of organization I’ll try and split them...

➥ Not How I Usually Am: Despite how and who I am when it comes to Sehun, it’s actually very different from my usual self? In fact if anyone from real life who’s interacted with me saw how I talk about Sehun and how I am in general whenever it comes to him, they’d probably wonder who tf I was lmao. It’s not that I’m faking it, but rather that Sehun brought out a whole new side to me that I genuinely previously thought never existed. I never thought that I had any of what I am and who I am in regards to Sehun in me at all - that I wasn’t capable of it. Honestly for so long I used to think that I was just a cold, hard shell without a single ounce of emotions, but through Sehun I found out that that’s not true at all - though I think it takes someone really special to bring this side out of me, but I will get to that later.

In quite a few ways I think I can be quite selfish - not out of disregard for others but rather due to some of my insecurities and discomforts (though I will get to this later ;;). And for those similar reasons, I’ve also found it quite hard to be someone that’s openly caring in the sense of warm comfort and being able to empathize? I’ve never really understood the exact meaning of wanting to care for someone, to share in their emotions, of wanting the absolute best for them, of wanting to do whatever you can for them, of just wanting to see them happy. Not to say that I don’t want that for my family and friends, or that I’m not considerate or understanding, because I do and I am - but it always felt far away? Because of those discomforts and insecurities, I would find myself closing off from being too attached to any of those emotions, essentially distancing myself from them, so I never knew what it was like to really genuinely feel them, to want those things with all that I had. So I started to think that maybe I just wasn’t capable of it at all, maybe I’m just a horrible, selfish person that had no ability to do any of that. But then came along Sehun and he really went and took that idea and flipped it right on its head. Because those things that I never understood what it was like to feel, never thought I was capable of, is every single thing I feel when it comes to Sehun. I find myself never thinking of me (in a selfish way) when it comes to him - in fact I never really think of me at all. I find myself wishing I could do everything possible to make sure that he’s happy, to be there for him when he’s down, to do anything I can to make sure that he’s treated kindly and taken seriously, to make sure that he’s only met with the absolute best because he deserves not even an ounce less. To wholly share in his happiness or excitement, to feel sad when he looked sad or was exhausted - to genuinely share in those feelings to the highest degree that I could as a fan. And I find myself feeling those things with my whole entire heart - this heart that I thought was shrouded in cold, hard steel - and it sometimes even surprises me because I never thought I had it in me at all, and yet here I am ;; It’s honestly quite foreign to me, to experience these feelings especially in the intensity that I do, because I really am not like this for anything else. But Sehun, being someone who’s extremely special to me in a way that no one else could ever possibly be, opened my heart to feeling all of things that it had tried so hard to hold back in the past. And while right now I still struggle to feel these things on a regular basis apart from Sehun, it’s just nice to know that I’m not as emotionless and cold as I always thought I was before. It’s one of the ways that Sehun has made me learn something new about myself, to feel happier with myself, and to slowly open myself up to those things that made me so uncomfortable and scared of before, and that’s one of the things, among so so many, that makes him that much more special.

➥ Uncomfortable With Emotions / Never Know What To Say: Emotions honestly make me extremely uncomfortable. That sounds weirdly dramatic and faux-emo, but the environment in which I grew up in was one in which outward expressions of emotions and affections were never really given to me? Not in the sense of not being taken care of and loved, because I was very much given both of those, but it was always shown to me in actions rather than any other form of expressions. However actions meaning that my parents were really protective over me and took care of me extremely well in the way that most Indian parents are protective and provide stability for their children. But other than that, those softer emotions and words were never really present, so I grew up not knowing what it was like to receive them or how to give them back, because I quite simply never really understood that ‘concept’? These sort of things were immensely foreign to me, and because I had no personal experience with them it was hard to attach a meaning to the things I saw so many other people doing. And that’s why I feel distanced from those feelings above, because while I to some degree felt them, I didn’t quite understand the emotions themselves. Because of that, I always felt like I didn’t know how to feel them, that I was somehow feeling them all wrong, and it would always make me extremely uncomfortable and weirdly insecure and so I would close myself off from them - because I thought, “If I can’t do it right, then I’m not going to do it at all, so that I don’t get judged for doing it wrongly.” So now whenever there’s any form of an emotional situation, I completely freeze, my mind goes blank, I’m never sure what to do and I start feeling weirdly anxious, which is why I can come off really awkward or emotionless when I’m put into that kind of situation.

Because of that I’ve always had trouble expressing myself, and have developed this more ‘logical’ way of thinking. And whenever I talk to people, and even in this post, I talk in quite a straightforward, matter-of-fact way, with big words and proper grammar and punctuation, and probably sound devoid of emotions orz. I can only find myself being able to articulate things that are logical or at least can be expressed in a straightforward manner, so whenever it comes to something as illogical as emotions are, added with my severe awkwardness with them, I struggle with knowing what to say and being able to express it without sounding like a robot (which I most definitely fail at :/). So in most occasions I just don’t bother at all, because it’s so frustrating and in the end I feel that it’s really not worth it.

However when it comes to Sehun, all my inhibitions towards my emotions are completely shattered. I find my heart overcome with a million different feelings, my thoughts buzzing around with a countless number of things, and it’s all just so overwhelming for someone like me who never once experienced even an ounce of anything similar before. At first it was so... so confusing, and I remember trying my best to not let myself feel this much and feeling so unlike myself. But after a while it honestly became so second nature to me. Loving Sehun is as easy as breathing, being overwhelmed with happiness and pride and affection and support and the softest feelings was automatic whenever Sehun was involved, and it was what I felt the most comfortable doing - which is quite odd for someone as anxious around feelings as I am. And while with everything else I sound colder and harder, with Sehun I become so starry-eyed and as soft as a cloud. And while my words can still sometimes be, well, like I sound in this post, I find myself overflowing with them, because there’s just such a huge magnitude of emotions that it’s like the dam that held all my feelings and all my inability to express myself was shattered. I still really struggle to know what to say, I’m always worried that I’m not saying it right, and my words hardly ever sound pretty, but I do genuinely try my best, because I feel like it’s the least I can do? There’s not a lot of things I can do for Sehun, because of physical distance or my anxiety, but Sehun’s given me so so much that I feel like the least I can do is to give him my words. They might not always be the most poetic, and sometimes they might not even make sense, but they’re laced with all the fondness, adoration, love, softness, and kindness in the world and Sehun being someone who deserves every single one of those things with all that the universe has to offer, this is my one way of being able to give it to him. And I feel like if I don’t say anything, then I’m extinguishing everything that I feel - and me loving Sehun with every fiber in my being, I would hate to do that :( So maybe sometimes I say too much, but the fact that Sehun is the one person who’s made me able to say anything at all - when oftentimes I struggle to and completely give up - proves to me once again that he’s someone who’s so incredibly special to me. No matter how much I say, I don’t think it will ever be enough, but in the end, whether I say three words or 500, it doesn’t change the fact that Sehun is one of my absolute most favourite people in the world, someone who’s made with everything wonderful that the universe could ever give, and I love him with my whole entire heart :(

➥ “I Love You”: These three words and the specific meaning of ‘love’ in it are three words you will never hear me say anywhere, and I quite literally mean anywhere to anyone. I can say I love dogs or that I love sushi or that I love Suho or EXO, but the word ‘love’ in those statements has a completely different, and somewhat diluted, meaning than the one I associate with saying, “I love you,” or saying I love someone close to me. ‘Love’ is the word I am the least comfortable with (the second being ‘beautiful’... shocking, I know!) out of all the words in the English language, and I honestly had a hard time even typing it out in that context (though I’ve gotten better at it because of well...), let alone saying it out loud (if I say it out loud it literally comes out like, “lo.... uhh... mmm”). Like I said above, I never really grew up being surrounded with that sort of outward affection, and I have literally never in my life had those words said to me, so while I in general didn’t attach any meaning to any form of affection, the concept of feeling love for someone was nonexistent in my mind because I had never really known what it meant to experience it or to be on the receiving end of it (in the sense of associating the word with those emotions). To put it simply, the word ‘love’ was almost like a foreign, gibberish word in my dictionary that I had never learned the definition of, and I can’t exactly use a word if I don’t know the meaning behind it. However since I did know the context in which you would say that to someone, I associated it with having a huge magnitude and being immensely meaningful, so for me I held that word with an extremely special regard - as if it was some rare, 500 carat diamond held on display at a museum that only the person with the key to the display could hold. So combining the overwhelming meaning I placed behind the word with me not understanding the emotions behind it enough to know if I was even experiencing them, I felt like I shouldn’t use it lightheartedly, and only say it if I was sure that I could. And just like that it became the least used word in my dictionary with a grand total usage of zero.

But if anyone only knew of me through my blog alone, they would think that those three words came easily to me, because as always, whenever it comes to Sehun, everything changes ;; Because honestly... and this is going to sound so cliche that I’m going to want to fight myself for saying it... me loving Sehun is something that I’ve never been more sure of in my life (AHHH), and I find those three words spilling out at any given moment, because I feel that no matter how much I say it, it will never be enough to encompass the exact magnitude to which I do. For the first year of me stanning him, as I learned more about him, those feelings started building up in me and I remember being so confused and so reluctant to say it because I thought, “Am I really going to say these words for the first time in my life about an idol on the other side of the world that doesn’t even know who I am?” But as time went on, and as Sehun proved to be someone that was incredibly important to me (for reasons I will get to later), it started to become this undeniable truth that I really did love him. Not in the way I love sushi, not in the way I love dogs, and not in the way that I love EXO, but that I love him. And after I got over that initial hurdle of saying it once, I found that I really couldn’t stop saying it, that those words so easily came to me just like all those emotions that I never thought I was capable of. Just like that whole side of me that I never thought existed. Just like everything else that I thought about myself that Sehun went and proved wrong. And that’s just another one of the reasons why Sehun is someone incredibly special and unique in my life, and why he’s the one person I’ve ever said those words to and for in my whole life, because he’s someone who really deserves the exact amount of magnitude and meaning I’ve placed in them, because for what he’s done for me, that’s the least I can do.

MORE THAN JUST A BIAS // SEHUN Usually when I see people say that someone is their bias, it means that they’re their favourite member that they love a bit more than the others, and they tend to have multiple biases from multiple groups that stack up and can sometimes be interchanged or swapped out for someone new. Which isn’t bad of course, that’s not at all what I’m saying, because everyone stans their biases in different ways and the level of investment differs, which is completely understandable and doesn’t lessen their support. But I noticed that that is one major difference between how I stan Sehun vs. other people having biases, because Sehun genuinely isn’t simply my bias, he’s not just my favourite boy in a group of boys but where in the end I love all the boys somewhat the same. But rather he’s one of my absolute favourite individuals in the whole world. Someone that I love as a completely separate individual from EXO themselves, and in a sense ‘ranks’ among other important people in my life. He’s not just my favourite idol, but my favourite person, and the meaning and feelings that I’ve attached to him, the amount of love and support I have for him, transcends the level that I (key word being ‘I’) would attach to him if he were simply just my bias. Though that might be a harder ‘concept’ to understand and differentiate from the word ‘bias’ if you don’t experience it yourself orz, but me having a bias is completely different than how I love Sehun. Because while Suho and Baekhyun may be my second favourite members, aka biases, of EXO, the magnitude with which I love them and the meaning of the love I have for them is on a completely different plane than that of Sehun’s, because Sehun is so so much more than that to me.

But other than what I mean when I say he’s more than just a bias to me, I honestly really do see him as someone who’s more than just an idol - an abstract individual who’s far away? Sometimes when I look around me I notice how people move from one bias to the next seemingly easily. Lots of sweet words are given to them and they’re treated as if they mean the world, but one little thing changes and all of the sudden those words mean nothing, and at the drop of a hat there’s already someone new. (Though that’s different from someone having a change of heart, because emotions are always dynamic and it’s only natural that certain things change both in you and in the other person that causes the emotions to fade. Which is fine because that sort of change is brought upon naturally, and usually is a slower process.) Sometimes I notice those changes happening so rapidly that it throws me off. And honestly, before Sehun I used to be just like that, and back then I would’ve thought, “How hard could that be? I mean how much could you possibly love an idol, be attached to them so much, that you couldn’t ever possibly leave them, that you could only bias just one person and absolutely no one else?” But when Sehun came along and I grew to love him as much as, and for the reasons, I do now, even the slightest hint of a thought of leaving him, of loving someone else instead of him (or, in my case, in addition to him), is something that I really could never do. Though I did for a while wonder that, for as much as I love him now, would it be something that would fade away, or is it something that’s for the longer run, because the concept of loving someone in general was really foreign to me so I wasn’t exactly sure how it ‘worked’ in a sense. But then I remembered one of my friends had told me, “Despite other people leaving him for someone new or distancing themselves from him, you always find more and more to love in him and come even closer.” And when she said that I realized that that really is what I always do? It’s quite easy for emotions to ebb and then slowly fade away, but maintaining them and growing them can be harder. Because I feel like it can be quite easy to fall into the habit of, rather than loving the person, you love the idea you have of them, that you have a specific mold of a person that you try to fit someone into, and when they stray from that mold a little, then you’re already trying to find someone new who fits that mold better. But I think that’s expecting people to remain quite static, and as human beings I really don’t think it’s possible for that at all because people are always changing.

But regardless of anyone else, I realized that my feelings for Sehun really have never changed over time, that despite Sehun having changed quite immensely and in many ways over the last four years I still love him. That in fact I love him even more than I had back then and that it will continue to grow in the future, because I love Sehun - not this abstract idea I have of him and not the mold of a person I expect Sehun to fit into but Sehun. I’m not going to switch him out for someone who fits into this mold better, because I really do genuinely love him. He isn’t the same incredibly shy, quiet, awkward child that he was at debut - in fact he’s quite the opposite - but I love him all the more for it. Seeing him grow, seeing how his experiences change him and make him a better person, seeing him be more comfortable with himself and break out of that shy, quieter shell he was in only a few years ago, are all some of the best parts of loving him. Not just as an idol, not just to boast about him being the best at this or the best at that, not just as some abstract idea, but as a person. There might be little changes here and there, but in the end he’s the same person that I’ve always loved with the same traits that I’ve always cherished, and those changes are still a part of who he is as a person. Being able to grow along with him and be with him on his journey is something that I love to do and are the reasons that I grow to love him more and more. I’m not claiming that I know more about him than others or that I know all there is to know about him, but from what I see of him makes me sure that the Sehun I love is the Sehun that he really is. So unless he turns out to be a completely horrible person or the opposite of what I know about him now, for as many people as I come across that might be a better dancer, might be funnier, might be as adorable and kind - my gaze never strays and my heart never wanders because I love Sehun, and it’s really as simple as that.

MORE THAN JUST A BIAS // TO ME Sometimes I’m sure that people might think that I’m in this too deep or that I’m taking it too seriously; I’ve even seen some people say that people who are attached to their bias are ‘pathetic’ and that they need ‘help’, that it’s not that deep because they’re just strangers on the other side of the world in the end. And while of course there are some people out there that enter into an unhealthy, obsessive level, knowing that I - and many others I’m sure - am not like that and then essentially being mocked at for loving my bias in the way and magnitude that I do, was a little upsetting. Because yes, he might be some boy on the other side of the world that I will never fully get to know and he will never once be aware of my specific existence, but that doesn’t change the fact that he honestly means the world to me, and is someone that has played an incredibly important part of my life, and therefore will always be someone special to me, regardless of anything else.

(trigger warning // start for the usual things you talk about for depression)

Because of several reasons and a long-winded backstory that I’m not going to get into, I had found myself in my first year of engineering in university as a socially awkward, quiet, introverted girl, that had low self confidence, low self esteem, and low self worth, as well as the beginnings of social anxiety and a whole recipe of things that made me a great candidate for having depression, too. I didn’t even want to be in engineering, but because I had no idea what else to do and because my dad had said that engineering was a good degree to have and I had the grades to get into it, I thought why not - soon I would learn exactly why not!! Naturally engineering turned out to be hard af and me not even being interested in it meant I was only able to scrape by, not having a clue what I was doing, not to mention my whole host of other personal issues was closing me more and more off from everyone around me. So not only was I not doing well in my major, I had no friends, I wasn’t able to talk to professors or get help and really I was just helpless and hopeless and sooner or later, surprise surprise, I became a majorly depressed mess. I was in engineering for four years, and during those four years, my mental health got progressively worse. I would have breakdowns almost every day, I skipped all my classes because I hated being on campus around all of the students that I had grown a distaste for, didn’t do well in any of them because I had no motivation to put any effort into my work or studying, I didn’t even want to be in engineering anymore but since I didn’t know what else to do I felt so trapped. Because I had no support system from my lack of friends in university, it was impossible for me to tell my parents, and I had been so closed off from the few friends I had since highschool, I just kept spiraling into an abyss of violent thoughts and desires. I think two years into engineering, I had told myself that if nothing changed then I was going to kill myself when I turned 23, but because I had given myself a way out of a situation that I felt so incredibly trapped in, I started to think there was no point trying anymore since I was going to kill myself anyways. And either way even if I did try I was a worthless human being that would amount to nothing, so there was no point. Despite feeling the way I felt, I didn’t even think I was truly actually depressed but just a useless, lazy ass, so I felt like my existence was even more pointless.

(trigger warning // end)

Anyways as you can see! I was very much not in a good place and was extremely volatile - all I needed was just a bit of courage and a means, and I really would have done what I planned to do when I turned 23, and since I had about 3.5 years until that deadline (from when I was in second year), that was plenty of time to get it (I was even starting to consider not waiting that long and doing it whenever orz). That year however, just so happened to be the year when I finally really started getting into EXO, and by the end of 2014 Sehun had proven to be someone that I was extremely fond of (for reasons explained in the How Much He’s Grown and Stan Timeline sections) and from then on my feelings for Sehun had grown exponentially from simply being fond to genuinely loving him. Fast forward to March 2016 when I finally dropped out of engineering after being in it for 4 years (and going through one discipline change from engineering chemistry to computer engineering) and was able to take a 6 month break off of school, during that time where I now had a lot of time to think. Of course I thought about other things, but in that time I realized what Sehun really meant to me, since it was hard to see that when I was in engineering because of all else that was going on. And I mean this is going to sound dramatic though there’s not an ounce of a lie in what I’m about to say but - I had realized that Sehun honestly... truly... genuinely... was the one thing that was keeping me alive.

People might ask, why an idol and not someone who’s closer to you in real life, and the reasons are quite simple (though it might be hard to understand for people who don’t experience it) and it was that there were no expectations or pressure - just me loving Sehun freely without anything to bring me down - something constant in my life, a source of light, and genuine happiness. When you’re depressed and in the state that I was in, as much as you care for the people who are close to you in real life, you still always feel like there’s some kind of expectation and pressure coming from them, even if they don’t try to put it on you. You want to extinguish yourself from existence, but you feel like you can’t because it will affect those around you, and so you keep yourself alive but reluctantly. And that knowledge that your lack of existence - your one way out - is one in which the people around you would get hurt, keeps pressing against you, so that you feel suffocated and trapped. But when you’re alive, there’s expectations and pressure coming from every single other angle, not only from school but from the people around you, too, because you don’t want to disappoint them, and that just keeps weighing down on you and makes you feel like you’re even more of a failure. But with Sehun there was absolutely none of that - he was someone who was there, whom I could love without any sort of judgement from him being passed onto me, he was someone I could do good things for be it just by giving him my love or my words or my support and it felt like the one thing I could get right, something that I really couldn’t fail in when I felt like I was a failure everywhere else.

On top of that, when everything else around you feels like it’s going to shit and you have no way out, when you’re being surrounded by all of these negative thoughts and desires and everything is just being clouded in darkness and you feel like there’s nothing around you to hold onto because in one way or another something is hurting you, Sehun was a constant. He was separate from my life (in the sense of being directly in it, physically, next to me) and so he was separate from all of the things in my life that were weighing down on me. He was in Korea, always doing his own thing, always being something in my life that was positive, always, always, always there for me in one way or another, even if he was so far away. It was as if I was in the middle of a river, and the current was rapid and was always slapping cold, hard water in my face, but Sehun was the one branch I could hold onto and eventually use to find my way to safety. He was my constant, the one (and only) source of positivity that I had that was always there for me, to always remind me that I was okay, and when you feel like everything around you is telling you that you’re not okay, and that you’re not going to be alright, he was someone that I really needed. And because of that, he really became my source of light, that light at the end of tunnel that was as dark as a black hole, and even though he was so far away, I kept walking towards him because it meant a way out. He was something I could look forward to - and it was really for things like seeing him in concert, seeing him dance, even something as seemingly small as being able to see him smile again - that gave me a reason to stay alive for another day, gave me a reason to keep going and to keep having my little victories and see what life had in store for me. I really didn’t have anything else in my life to look forward to, so Sehun being there, constantly shining as brilliantly as he does and spreading that sunshine to me, gave me maybe just one, but one powerful reason to look forward to another day. And he honestly just genuinely made me so so happy, happier and brighter than I was for anything else, and when you feel shrouded in sadness and hopelessness, him being the one reason I smiled - and smiled so easily that I forgot what it even meant to be sad - was something that I really needed. The light in me honestly struggles to stay alive, but with him it shines more brightly than ever, and that light that he ignited within me was my one and only fuel to keep going and to stay alive. And you might wonder why Sehun specifically and not another idol, but that’s what this whole entire post is for ;; After the end of 2014, when I finally really fell for Sehun and who he was, being able to love him, learn about him more, and find out all the things that make him him - the person for whom my heart grew more and more to love - was a really positive experience, something that made me momentarily forget everything else that was bringing me down and focus on the one thing that made me smile.

And when I think about it now, if I didn’t have Sehun during all those years, I really don’t think I’d be alive today - and that might sound like an exaggeration but I really wouldn’t have ;; When I see where I am now - finally dropped out of engineering, in a program that I genuinely like, and finally getting good grades, being able to see a future for myself, and slowly but surely believing in myself and learning about myself more - it just makes me all the more thankful for Sehun. As I write this, this is the year that I’m going to turn 23, and knowing for the longest time I had kept telling myself that my expiry date was when I turned 23, to know that I really did make it this far and that there’s finally a part of me that wants to keep going instead of waiting for the day to turn myself off, just makes it all that much more surreal. Of course my depression and anxiety hasn’t disappeared, because I still go through intense episodes and I still get those thoughts from time to time, but Sehun quite literally snaps me out of it - I could really just think, “But Sehun...” and all those desires disappear. Sometimes I become such a sap, that if I watch something, even the simplest thing, of Sehun when I’m going through an episode, I’ll smile and then more times than not burst into tears because Sehun has once again reminded me that I have a reason to keep going. I really couldn’t possibly articulate, even though I’ve already written this much, on how much he means to me but this is why Sehun is so incredibly special to me, this is why he’s someone that’s played an important part in my life, this is why no one else in EXO or anywhere else could ever possibly compare because Sehun is the one and only person that has provided me with any of this and that alone puts him on an unreachable plane from anyone else, this is why I love him as much as I do, and this is why he’s more than just a bias to me.

So yeah, maybe it’s just K-pop, maybe Sehun is just some stranger on the other side of the world, maybe Sehun won’t ever know who I am - but he’s made this much of an impact on my life despite all of that, and is one of the reasons I’m really even still alive. So yes it actually is that deep, maybe not for you but for me, and I’m going to keep loving him and supporting him and defending him as much as I do because he’s given me so so so so much that it would quite literally be impossible for me not to. He’s given me source of light, a reason to live, and motivation and inspiration, and nothing I could ever do for him in return would ever be enough, but I sure as heck am going to love him with my whole entire heart.

MOTIVATION Nothing really ever motivates me or inspires me, and I mean nothing, because I’m honestly so pessimistic that I find every motivational quote, every inspirational thought, to be fallible somehow. Depression usually does that to you, because you start to think all of these things are lying and there’s really nothing to look forward to. So instead I just find myself mentally exhausted and lethargic at every moment and never find it in me to do anything or to believe in myself or that things will get better - and that’s really quite crippling. But! Once again, Sehun ended up being the one and only thing that managed to change all of that, and it naturally made me grow closer and closer to him. And I feel like that might be odd to some, because Sehun tends to be seen as someone who’s more complacent, or at least in comparison to the other members, so you’d wonder what exactly it was about him that made him that source of energy for me. But for me, the way Sehun is, the things he’s said, and the way he works towards his goals is something that I found infinitely more encouraging than all of those things that I always found so fallible or so pessimistically believed were impossible.

When I look at the other members, the ones that I feel tend to be synonymous for most people in regards to these things - for example Baekhyun, Yixing, or Jongin - I always felt distanced from them and the way they embodied being ‘inspirational’ or ‘motivational'. There’s this overtness to which they display those traits that always felt inaccessible to me - not in a bad way, but it never personally connected with me? You look at Baekhyun’s immense hard work and passion that’s so obviously there and has led him to be one of the most talented in EXO; you look at Yixing and his charitable acts, immense kindness, a million different ventures and a huge amount of ambition; you look at Jongin’s undeniable passion for dance and how he gives his all for it - they’re all things that inspire others, but it just felt so grandiose and intense and something that was so far away from me, that I just never felt motivated by them at all. Rather it was something that would make me feel intimidated, and oddly enough made me feel like a failure more often than not. I really have no self-confidence in anything I do, and I always tend to doubt myself, so when I see such grandiose things like that, that inspiration to achieve that intensely, that idea that I would never be able to achieve as much or with as much magnitude always felt alienating and made me feel even more like I had nothing to look forward to, and that I would amount to nothing. Though of course that isn’t anything bad on them, because they really are admirable in the way they are and inspire so so many people. But with my lack of any self worth and natural pessimism towards so many things, but especially towards myself, it was hard for me to believe in any of that.

Now that whole bit probably made it sound like Sehun has none of that, but the major difference, and the thing that makes the most impact on me, is the way in which he embodies those traits. Like I said earlier, Sehun’s personality is a lot more subdued, and that subdued aspect of who he is is what makes him have this human quality that makes him a lot more accessible to me? He doesn’t have that same grandiosity when it comes to the way in which he works towards his goals, his ambition, his work ethic, and his way of thinking, and that always felt less intimidating and was something that I felt more easily connected to, rather than something unreachable that I could only admire from afar. Essentially Sehun was able to close that gap between me and my future and who I wanted to be in a way that no one else could, and it made everything feel a lot less daunting. What I mean by this specifically is the way in which he works towards his goals and who he said his role model is, which is something that I described earlier (in Knows Who He Is, What He Wants, and What He’s Capable Of) so I will condense it here ;; But when Sehun was asked who is role model was, he had said that he didn’t have a role model because he felt that there was something good in every person that you could look up to. In addition to that, the way in which Sehun works towards his goals in one where, rather than working towards them aggressively, he goes with the flow - he lets himself experience things and then learns from those experiences, he lets himself go at his own pace so that he can figure himself out, what he’s capable of, where he needs to improve, and then know the best way to go forward. And while that was heavily condensed (since I already explained it in depth earlier), those on top of him just being him in all of his kindness, consideration, and humility, was something that genuinely encouraged me? Because with Sehun, rather than inspiring in the ways that I’ve seen so many others do, in the ways that I always felt so detached from, Sehun inspired me to be a better person, because he’s honestly such a lovely, wonderful, patient person that I really have a lot to learn from? But he also inspired in that, rather than trying to emulate others for the sake of being as ‘great’, just be you and work on being the best version of you. To learn more about yourself and from your experiences to better who you are but to still be you. To do what you like and to work hard without losing it all in trying to be as grandiose as everything else, but to be at a place where you’re happy with yourself and the hard work that brought you there, and that doesn’t always have to be at #1 (though of course it can be if that’s what you want). He reminded me that it’s okay to go at my own pace, that I can achieve what I want within my own abilities without trying to be like someone else. And for me as someone who felt like I really was never enough, that I was a failure in every single aspect, that if I didn’t achieve to as high as a degree as everyone else then I was somehow worthless in all my pessimism, he was able to motivate me and encourage me and give me a sense of positivity in a way that no one else could.

And it might be a slow start, because I’ve been stuck in my way of thinking and my endless pessimism for so long, but I really now feel like I can get there. Which is quite amazing because I really have never felt that before? I never had the confidence in future me, but lately I’ve been beginning to feel that. I used to always think that everything I did wasn’t enough, that I was moving too slow and falling behind, but these days I keep telling myself that it’s okay, that I’ll get there. I’ve learned to slowly be happy with my small victories, to be able to give myself something to look forward to and something to work towards, and to slowly build at least a little confidence in myself. And now that I have that bit of confidence in the fact that I know I’ll somehow get there, I’ve been able to slowly start to figure myself out more. To figure out my flaws and try to better myself as a person - which of course will take a while, but being able to recognize these things is a start! To be able to figure out who I am - something that I really honestly struggle with but that’s a topic for another day - and to figure out where I want to go. And knowing that I really wasn’t like this even just a few months ago, is quite amazing and made me realize that I really will be able to get better. Of course this isn’t all Sehun’s doing, I have to give myself some credit, too, but Sehun really played an important role in this all, not only in keeping me alive to get this far to begin with, but to always be that constant beacon of light to remind me of all of these things. To remind me that I’m doing good and to keep going because I will get there. To remind me that I’m not a horrible and worthless person but there is good in me and that I am capable of achieving things. And that’s just one more way that Sehun is someone that I hold incredibly special to my heart, because he’s done more for me as someone so far away than I could ever have imagined, and I will always have a part of me that loves him and is thankful for him no matter what.

THE END? Y’know, surprisingly enough, the things that make up Sehun aren’t usually things that I would look for in a person. He’s truthfully someone who would have been completely off my radar and might have even stayed that way. Yet by some happenstance, Sehun was the one that caught my eyes first out of all the members - even though some of them would’ve conventionally been the ones I saw first. He’s the one that I love more than anything in the world and someone who has impacted my life a great deal despite all of that. The things that I’ve described in this post are things that I usually wouldn’t have looked for in a person, but they happen to be the exact things about Sehun that I love with all my heart and am forever proud of. Even more oddly enough, me and Sehun are quite different people - though we do share some similarities - and the way he thinks and his outlook in life are quite different than mine, but somehow those differences are the things that have inspired me in ways no one else could. And it’s quite amazing to think about really - how someone so different from what I look for and so different from me is the one person who has become one of the most important people to me. I’m not sure what in the universe made it so that Sehun would be a part of my life but I’m ever so thankful that it did, because I really would’ve been a completely different person without him, and I couldn’t imagine stanning or loving anyone else but him. We might be different but he’s honestly my kind of perfect - made of everything I love and everything I hold so dear to me.

He’s the exception to all my rules, and if that doesn’t show just how special he is then I really don’t know what does. I’m sure it was easy to notice the running theme in my last few points - that I’m usually so different, that I usually don’t this or don’t that, however with Sehun that all changes. He’s the only one I talk this softly about, the only one I’ve said “I love you” to (indirectly) and the only one to whom I can with such ease, he’s the only one that’s made me realize all these things I have in me, the only one to have brought whole new sides out of me, the only one that has been able to encourage me and make me think positively, he’s even the only person I feel attracted to - he’s truly genuinely my one and only in so many ways and I can’t help but to love him more for it, because he’s just so incredibly special ;;

And I know I’ve said that I love him or fell for him plenty of times but it’s not a romantic love. Of course I have a little crush on him, sometimes you can’t help it orz, but I just genuinely love him as a person, for who he is and how he’s helped me. All I want is for him to receive the absolute best from the world, to be happy as often as he can, to be surrounded with people who love him and appreciate him and would do anything to give him all the stars in the sky, to appreciate and encourage him and to respect him for the wonderful, wonderful person he really is because he’s given so much to me and I’m sure to so many others, and he deserves a million times more - not even an ounce less - in return :(

While this post is many thousands of words longs, it really could never encompass all the things I love, of which there are so many - from the small, minute details to the things that are so overwhelmingly a part of him. And every single day I find more and more to love in him, as he grows more as an individual and continues to achieve the way he has, so I know that even after I post this that there’s always going to be more, that while my love for him is as big as it is now, this isn’t where it’s going to end. Even between the time I planned to write this post just three months ago and when I finally started writing it and when I finally neared the end, I realized just how many new things about him I learned and began to love, the magnitude with which he really meant to me, the amount he really encouraged me, and just how exponentially more I really loved him. And seeing my love for him grow 100-fold in such little time, to know that every now and then I seem to think that I couldn’t possibly love him more but he proves me wrong each and every single time, makes me wonder and excited for what more will come in the future.

So this may be the end of this post, but it isn’t the end of how much I love him, of how much more I’ll learn about him, of how much more he’ll be a rock for me in my life, and it most definitely isn’t the end of my journey with him.

#happy birthday to my sunshine ⛭#to my sunshine #sehun #this post is so so long - way longer than i ever thought it was going to be - i even surprised myself ksdjf #i don't really expect many - or really any - people to read it but that is quite alright since i wrote it for myself (and sehun indirectly)#i feel kinda bad that i didn't do something easily accessible (?) i guess for everyone to see for his birthday but :(#i poured by whole heart out into this and spent a lot of time on it so in the end that's what matters the most //nods//#i'm not the most eloquent and i tend to ramble and there might be some typos and phrasing that's a bit off but i did my best to fix them #though i've been looking at it for about two months and after a while reading over the same thing gets tiring lsjdf but i did try!#either way! here is the full encyclopedia on what i learned about sehun that makes him sehun; what i love; and why i love him so much :(#this is most definitely not all-encompassing despite the massive length because there's always going to be more to love about sehun #and there will always be more to learn about him and appreciate about him that it would be impossible for me to mention them all #but i did my best ;; i'll be adding to this post as time goes by and i learn more things or think of more things but for now this is good ;;#when my exams are done i'm going to make a whole page for this that will be easily navigable and have more links and examples #but that is for another time!#and with that i am off! the rest of my posts for today are scheduled save for negin's and vivian's that i'll tag and schedule later #i'm also re-reblogging this post three more times today for no particular reason so don't ask slkdf #but other than that i'm not going to be online too much unless it's to answer messages~#i hope sehun is surrounded by nothing but love on here today :(((

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