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schrijverr · 9 months

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I Found Myself a Cheerleader 8

Chapter 8 out of 28

Bumped to the lowest step on the social ladder after his fight with Billy, Steve gets roped in with the cheer team. What starts as a favor to help them out when one member breaks her leg in turn for protection from the brunt of the bullying, sets the universe on a different path.

In this chapter, Steve gets used to working at Scoops Ahoy and time passes by until Dustin returns back to town, pulling Steve back into the bullshit that hides in Hawkins. When he and Robin get taken by Russians, their tentative friendship turns into a bond that will never be broken.

On AO3.

Ships: eventual steddie & buckingham

Warnings: period typical homophobia, torture, f-slur, child abuse mention, internalized homophobia mention

~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 8: The Mall

June is steadily passing. Steve is still working with Robin, whom he’s cautiously friends with now. She still sometimes looks at him like she expects him to punch her or like he’s going to explode, but that’s rarely.

Chrissy comes by often too and Robin is starting to be normal around her too. Less anxious rambling and more laughing about stupid shit.

Things with Chrissy have been a bit odd. They’re still friends and she hangs around Scoops Ahoy more often than not, but Steve has to deflect to stop her from finding out he’s still staying at the Byers house.

Still, he maintains that their camping sleep over they had at the lakes was great. They even got to stunt without a back spotter, because they were doing it in the water.

However, Chrissy has been send off to bible camp for a few weeks, which has given Steve a reprieve from keeping up the lie. Hopefully when she gets back Steve will have his own place and he can play it off. If Steve had known then what would happen between now and her getting back, he might not have thought that, but still.

Will has also warmed back up to him, which he is more grateful for than he wants to admit. There is less connection between them than there had been in his kitchen that morning when he came by with Dustin, but still. He’s no longer overtly hurt by Steve not admitting he’s gay.

The kids are annoying him quite regularly at work ever since Will figured out over dinner that Steve can sneak them into the movies with his job. Steve doesn’t mind, though he pretends he does, those little shits make him happier than he’ll ever tell them.

All this to say that he’s been settling in okay at Scoops Ahoy. It’s become a familiar place where he found his groove and though his flirting has gotten him nowhere, something Robin delights in for some reason, he isn’t getting confused looks anymore.

Besides, he doesn’t care that much that the girls don’t take him up on his offer for a date. He can’t really spare the money for it and despite fooling himself that he liked girls for many years, now that he’s aware, he can’t really see the appeal that much. They just don’t do it for him.

Still, he has pick up lines that he can pull out and he knows his hair is well liked, though the latter is covered by his stupid uniform.

He’s getting off topic, the point is that he’s gotten comfortable at Scoops Ahoy, which means he doesn’t expect Eddie Munson to walk into the place, looking like a walking wet dream. The man is still jeans, but he has dropped the leather jacket in favor of just wearing his battle jacket and a cutoff band shirt, which show off his arms in ways that should be illegal. Like, since when does Eddie have tattoos?

Steve shakes himself out of it, trying to be casual, as Eddie rolls up to the register with a: “Stevie, hey, man.”

“Ahoy, are you ready to set sail on an ocean of flavors with me? I’ll be your captain,” Steve finds himself greeting back. His cheeks light up at his own words and he ignores how this is a line he used on some of the girls, because it was honestly instinct and not something he wants to say to Eddie.

Fuck, he wants Eddie to think he’s cool, or at least not a massive looser that got kicked out. So, he aims to make it goofy halfway through. To play it off as a joke, because part of him knows the greeting might make Eddie laugh.

He’s right in that regard and is rewarded by one of Eddie’s deep laughs that make his insides curl up in the best way. “Wow, that is truly something,” Eddie grins. “I can’t believe you’re an ice cream slinging sailor.”

“Shut up, dude,” Steve huffs, the annoyance not landing as anything he means.

“Not judging, not judging,” Eddie assures him. “It’s not like I have the best ways of obtaining some money.”

Steve shrugs in a way that says ‘that’s fair’ because drug dealer indeed isn’t the best occupation to have. He moves on. “So, I’m guessing you came here for ice cream and not to laugh at me? What flavor do you want?”

“Uuuhm,” Eddie replies, tapping his plush lips with one of his long fingers in a way that has Steve fighting not to stare. Then he gets hit by Eddie’s big eyes, now a tad apologetic. “I’m gonna be honest, don’t know, man. I just want to cool down. The heat is killer.”

“We offer samples,” Steve tells him, because he wants Eddie to have a nice treat. It’s clear he doesn’t go out often and Steve want his experience with Steve to be nice. He’s aware that’s slightly pathetic, but he doesn’t care.

Eddie lights up at the offer, which makes it worth it, and asks: “Really? That’s cool, dude. What do you recommend?”

“I don’t know, what do you like?” Steve shoots back.

“Chocolate?” Eddie offers.

“We have peanut butter chocolate swirl,” Steve says, remembering the flavor because it just came in and Robin forced him to carry the heavy tub.

“That’s sounds nice,” Eddie says, eyes lighting up at the name.

A sense of pride and satisfaction rises up at the reaction that Steve attempts to push down as he scoops up a sample for Eddie. He hands it to him with a: “Here you go.”

“Why thank you,” Eddie replies, taking it with a courtesy, which makes Steve roll his eyes, though any snarky response to it dies in his throat as Eddie licks off the ice cream. Steve’s eyes tracking his tongue and his insides lighting up at the small moan Eddie lets out. “This is fucking good.”

“Glad you like it,” Steve squeaks. “Want a whole scoop?”

“Fuck yeah,” Eddie grins. “In a cup, please.”

“So polite,” Steve manages to joke, re-finding his post-puberty voice. He busies himself with scooping Eddie some ice cream, missing how Eddie’s eyes are glued to his arms, as he asks: “So, what brought you to the mall?”

“I have refused here to come on principle. Malls are a capitalistic hellscape that are here to create a monopoly and run local people out of business,” Eddie informs him, like that is a casual thing to say and, for Eddie, it kind of is. “However, even I can’t resist the siren song of a record shop that carries more metal. So alas, I have crumbled under the pressure of The Man. But don’t think I’ll be back here again!” he exclaims at the end.

The statement makes Steve sadder than he wants to be. He reminds himself that keeping his distance for Eddie is smarter, that it is good that Eddie isn’t going to come by every day and lick ice cream obscenely in front of Steve’s face. But that doesn’t squash the disappointment in his chest completely.

“Well, the enjoy ice cream on the house for your hardship,” he says, offering Eddie his cup with a charming smile. Eddie blushes a bit, Steve is almost sure, but he pushes the observation down as far as it will go.

Eddie ignores it too, taking the cup with a dramatic gesture as he proclaims: “My many thanks, kind shop keeper! Your generosity shall not be forgotten.”

“Yeah, yeah, stop making a scene,” Steve laughs. “Just take your ice cream and enjoy it.” Preferably somewhere I can’t see you lick it or I’ll combust, he adds mentally.

“I will. Thank you, Stevie,” Eddie says as he takes a bite from his ice cream using the sample spoon still in his hands. He hums happily, before waving at Steve and skipping out of the store, leaving Steve to stare at the place he occupied earlier.

“Your turn to take a break,” Robin snaps him out of his staring as she comes out of the backroom and Steve is grateful that he has a chance to gather himself, before getting back to work.

A few days later and he is coming out of that same backroom with excitement. Dustin is back in town and he has missed the squirt. He’s missed him so much. Dustin, who hasn’t heard what’s going on, who will never see the bruise that has already faded, who comes with grant tales of his adventures and who still treats Steve like the cooler older brother.

If Steve is honest, he doesn’t believe much of the Russian message story, but it’s a distraction.

Dustin’s excitement is infectious, despite all that has happened to the kid, he hasn’t let that dull his excitement about adventure. Steve doesn’t share much of the sentiment, but goes along with it. This way he can also keep Dustin safe, should it go wrong.

Helping Dustin with his project also means he isn’t out there serving ice cream. It says a lot about how far he and Robin have come from those first awkward days that she lets him bail on her like that to spend time with Dustin.

It also gives him a break from flirting with girls he doesn’t like, which is nice. He’s lost motivation for it pretty quickly, especially after finding out about the changed lock. He still feels the need to do it to protect himself, unable to stop himself from noticing how the targeting has gone down ever since he started flirting with girls again. But he doesn’t want to find a wife just to get back in his father’s good graces again. He’s happy to never see him, if he’s honest.

So, he’s happy to hide in the backroom and even happier to wipe away the fail board Robin made for him. He wants to tell her that he’s failing on purpose, but he can’t so it stands there as a reminder.

The two of them are not really getting anywhere with the translation. Steve honestly isn’t sure why Dustin even asked him, both know he’s not the smartest. But then again, he told Steve something about the others ditching him and Will also mentioned something about everyone getting more distant, busy with their girlfriends. Ahh, shitty old puberty.

Not that Dustin isn’t terrible with how he keeps bringing up Suzie, how amazing she is, how Steve should also find his Suzie. But he manages to ignore that for now.

Steve is sure that when the shine wears off, they’ll all return to how they were before. With what they have shared, it’s impossible not to. So, he just basks in getting to spend time with Dustin and tries not to worry about the kids too much.

However, Robin’s good graces run out at some point and she demands Steve do his job again and let her have a crack at the code. They obviously haven’t been hiding it as well as they thought they were, yet Steve feels the need to deny it and not let her get involved.

They’re not dealing with the Upside Down, just a Russian transmission. It’s not like they’re going to run into trouble in Hawkins over this, but still… Robin is nice. Well, she can be a bitch, but in the best way and Steve doesn’t want to see her get hurt over another one of Dustin’s projects.

But Robin is also stubborn and by the looks of her, he isn’t going to get her to back off. She’s also crazy smart on top of that, so if they actually want to succeed, they need her help.

So, he folds, like he so often does and goes to scoop ice cream again as Robin helps Dustin translate his coded Russian message.

As he scoops, he can’t help but perk up at every head of curly brown hair that walks in. He knows what Eddie told him about not coming back and he also knows he promised himself to keep his distance from Eddie, but still… He can’t help but look. Hope that Eddie will come back and he’ll get to hear more of that banter and watch him eat another scoop of ice cream.

Instead, however, he is stuck with the masses, who are indulging themselves on their outing to the mall or just because the weather is so hot. The most thrilling thing that happens is Robin popping in with the first sentence, which isn’t thrilling at all.

It’s only that evening that things take a turn for the weird. Well, weirder, this is Hawkins after all, it is never truly normal here.

But, things always manage to get weirder and while Steve hasn’t been much help in translating, the music that played still bugs him. And it is not until they’re walking through the mall after closing the shop that he realizes why.

He is naturally teased by both Dustin and Robin as he suddenly stops at the horse and asks for a quarter, however he shuts them up when the music starts playing and they all recognize it. The same music as from the intercepted message.

The Russians aren’t in Russia at all, they’re in Hawkins.

Mentally Steve rearranges what this means. Russians in Hawkins. They probably don’t have an army here, people would notice that, so it’s a small spying operation at best. They can take a small spying operation, right? Can’t be much worse than the demodogs or demogorgon.

For a second, Steve wonders why he ever let himself caught up in this all. He knows he’s going to go along with it again, he can’t bear to let Dustin do this alone, or with Robin, who seems equally excited about the prospect. Though he can forgive Robin, because she hasn’t been nearly gnawed to death a few months prior. Dustin has no excuse though.

They all agree to go on a spy mission tomorrow, assigning tasks to everyone and agreeing on times to meet up. Then Steve drops Dustin off at home, waving at Mrs. Henderson, who has always been nice to him, albeit a little confused, before driving to the Byers House.

When he gets there, it’s already late. And he feels bad about not calling when he sees how relieved Joyce looks that he’s alright. He isn’t used to anyone wondering where he is.

“I saved you some dinner,” Joyce tells him, not mentioning that she worried and Steve doesn’t either.

“Thanks,” he says, then, because he feels the need to apologize, he add: “Sorry, for missing it and not saying.”

“It’s okay,” Joyce immediately assures him. “But it should be criminal they keep you this late.”

“Oh, no, I stayed late, because-” Steve hesitates, not sure if he wants to involve Joyce in this nonsense again. He knows it’s different, it’s not the Upside Down and her boys aren’t involved, with all she’s been through, she probably doesn’t feel the need to go investigating again. Best to leave her be. “Because I was still chatting with Robin,” he decides on.

“You went on a date!” Will suddenly speaks up from his place at the table, managing to sound surprised and betrayed.

“What, I-” Steve reacts, before he can think about it, stopping himself in his tracks. He doesn’t want to confirm anything. He definitely doesn’t want to put Robin in a spot where she has to lie for him or himself in a spot where he has to explain why. But it’s also a good way to continue building his safety net.

So, he stays quiet and blushes when Joyce smiles teasingly and chides Will: “Leave the man be, Will. He can go out if he likes. No need for the yelling.”

Will obviously disagrees with that statement and turns back to his notes, probably a campaign, with a huff.

Great.

Fucked that up again.

Morosely Steve eats his cold dinner as he looks at Will scribbling away. He wants to ask about what he’s doing, but he’s not in the mood for the inevitable attitude. So, he finishes his dinner and gets ready for bed, he has a weird day tomorrow.

The next day, he finds himself hiding behind the potted plants in his stupid uniform with some binoculars and Dustin by his side. He takes back all he’s thought about wanting Eddie to come back, he would probably die with humiliation if Eddie saw him like this.

Still, Dustin seems to be enjoying himself, which is good. However, Steve doesn’t want him to get too caught up in the whole thing when it might end up in disappointment. So he pretends to be annoyed a guy is talking to some girl, which sets Dustin off on a tangent.

He starts regretting it when Dustin starts up about Robin again. It’s a little on him. He should have known that for a straight guy a coworker would have been an obvious person to try and date, but he never even thought about it.

“No, man, she’s not my type,” he says to try and curb the conversation, trying to balance shelving the topic and not saying anything incriminating. “She’s not even in the ballpark of what my type is, all right?”

His plea for Dustin to drop it is not heard as he moves on to constructs of popularity and high school ecosystems.

It reminds Steve of the fact that Dustin has no clue how far he fell and what he faced at school when he became a cheerleader. And that Dustin has no clue how high school works if he thinks Steve didn’t face massive amounts of shit for that. Fuck, he hopes Dustin finds a place next year.

Before he can spiral or Dustin’s rant can get further out of hand, they’re distracted by a possible Russian spy, who turns out to be a jazz aerobics instructor. A very hot jazz aerobics instructor, though Steve is denying that to anyone who asks.

When they get back, Robin has cracked the code. Steve watches her mouth move as fast as her brain as she stands there, explaining her findings.

Starcourt mall is a drop off point for the spy operation they have going on here. They’re going to drop shit off here and then a Russian spy will come in and get it. It takes Steve only one glimpse at Dustin for him to realize that the kid is planning to get to that drop off first.

By now, they’re all too far in for them to stop looking now, besides Steve hasn’t seen any Russians all day. Whatever spy is in Hawkins, it can’t be a dangerous one, or a very big group.

From there it snowballs and it snowballs fast.

They get maps, they plan, they bribe Erica Sinclair to help and get the equipment. Before Steve knows it, he is in the bowels of the earth surrounded by way more Russians than should be there with the possibility of the Upside Down being back.

Panic is beating in his chest as he tries to lead Dustin, Erica and Robin to safety. In his mind all he can think of is how stupid he’s been to go along with Dustin, to underestimate the threat, to let Robin get involved, fuck, to get Erica involved. She’s only ten. Fuck.

He is also starting to realize that they’re not making it out. Not this time. He has to do something if he doesn’t want anyone to die on his watch.

They’re coming up at a door. It’s a room. A dead end. Steve makes the split second decision to throw himself against it, yelling to the others to hide and get out. Behind him, Dustin and Erica go look for an exit, while Robin throws herself against the door as well.

The action surprises Steve, he’s sure she would have run out of here as fast as she can, but instead she helps him. Despite the fact that Robin is less strong than him, her presence helps and Steve is grateful for her and the fact that he’s been spending half a year lifting girls up in the air, which helped with his muscle mass.

Russians are now fully banging against the door. Steve mentally goes through everyone, the number one priority are Dustin and Erica, they’re both children and Dustin knows what adult to go to about this to get help.

So, he and Robin hold the door, watch them go, listen to Dustin promise he won’t forget him. And the only thing Steve can feel is despair, because he knows he isn’t going to make it out.

Once the kids are far enough away that he doesn’t think they’ll get caught, he turns to Robin and says: “You get out now.” He gives her a grin neither of them believe in as the door continues to rattle. “I’ll hold them off.”

Steve expects her to back off, to leave, to maybe look back with an anguished look, or repeat what Dustin told him earlier. He expects her to run.

What he never would have seen coming is for her to shake her head, to try to smile even if she looks as scared as he feels, to square her shoulders and say: “I’m not leaving you, dingus. You can’t keep this door closed without me.”

And Steve laughs a little, because otherwise he’ll cry.

Both of them know, they’re not keeping door closed together either, but it doesn’t matter. They are going to try and then they’re going to fail and then they’re going to die, but they aren’t going to die alone.

Steve never realized how badly he wants someone to be there when the Upside Down nonsense finally takes them out. How badly he wants to be witnessed, even if it is only for his final moment. How glad he is to not be alone right now.

He grabs her hand, like they had on the rooftop and squeezes, giving her a small smile he hopes is reassuring. She squeezes back, managing a watery smile of her own, before silent tears start to slide down her face.

The door swings open, flinging them backwards. Men stream into the tiny room and Steve gets roughly dragged away. He feels Robin’s fingers slip from his own and lets out a loud yell as he struggles, but it isn’t enough.

They get separated.

He’s alone.

Well, not really alone. A man in an intimidating uniform with an equally intimidating entourage is in the room with him and he can only hope Robin doesn’t have the same company he does, especially when they start to lay into him.

The man asks him questions about why he’s here and who he works for. Steve assumes the man is expecting him to confess to being a spy, to infiltrating their base on purpose, ready to face what is happening right now.

But Steve isn’t ready to face this right now. He is scared, alone and cold. His head is racing and all he can manage is the truth.

It quickly becomes clear that the truth isn’t good enough.

They lay into him, heavy hands meeting his head and his ribs. It hurts more than Billy last fall, more than his father laying into him, more than anything Steve has experienced before. Whoever this Russian is, he is a professional and he is good at his job.

Steve is crying, unable to keep a facade of unbothered masculinity. He doesn’t want to pretend right now, he just wants to disappear. It hurts so so bad, his head is swimming and they just keep yelling at him.

In front of his eyes, flashes Eddie when he came into Scoops Ahoy. How he looked in that outfit, his arms that bulged as he moved, his tongue over the sample spoon and the little moan he let out when he tasted the ice cream.

Now Steve wishes that he hadn’t turned his line into a joke. That he’d flirted for real, maybe even made Eddie blush instead of laugh. How he could maybe have scored a date with the guy he’s been crushing on for a while now.

Fuck, he doesn’t want to die scared.

He doesn’t want to die without having kissed a boy.

He doesn’t want to die pretending to be someone he’s not.

He doesn’t want to die in another mask.

At this point Steve is screwing his eyes closed, as if he’s five, playing hide and seek with his mother, who isn’t even searching for him. How he hid behind a plant that couldn't conceal him, but because he closed his own eyes and couldn't see his mother, he was convinced she couldn't see him either. In a way that had been true.

He just hopes they haven’t hurt Robin too. He likes Robin. She’s become a friend in their time working together and he is the reason she’s down here, stuck in a base, likely dying unless Dustin gets back with backup in time.

His ears are already ringing, the hurt a part of his being, so he snaps into focus when after a particularly bad hit, the ringing suddenly stops. Surprised he looks up, then the world spins and he blacks out.

When he comes to, there is still a feint ringing and his skull is pounding, but there are no more screaming men and at his back is a warm presence, an oddly soothing smell of artificial strawberry fills his nose. His peace, however, is broken by Robin, who yells: “Help! Help!”

“Ugh, would you stop yelling,” he murmurs.

Immediately Robin moves behind him and there is relief in her voice that he doesn’t have the brain capacity to tie to his own awaking. She exclaims: “Steve! Oh my god! Steve, are- are you okay?”

With more consciousness also comes the awareness of his own body. Steve takes stock of how he’s feeling, which is pretty terrible, but he doesn’t want to worry Robin more. They’re tied back to back, so it’s not like she can check. He jokes: “My ears are ringing, and I can't really breathe, my eye feels like it's about to pop out of my skull, but, you know, apart from that, I'm doing pretty good.”

“Well, the good news is that they're calling you a doctor,” Robin laughs, sounding on the border of panic and hysteria. Maybe not the best joke.

“Is this his place of work?” Steve asks, trying again to keep her mind of it by turning up the bitchiness. “I love the vibe. Charming.”

This time her chuckle is more normal and her rib cage is no longer going haywire against his own, which had hurt. She seems more level headed and ready to think. In fact, she even thinks of a way they could maybe escape.

Their situation feels pretty hopeless, but Steve is willing to try anything. It’s not like it can get any worse.

So, the two of them hop on their chairs together. The first hop goes good, the second one also works. A bubble of hope starts to build in Steve’s chest that is immediately crushed as they crash to the ground together, more pain shooting through him.

It takes a second before he reorients himself again. Then he becomes aware of the choked noises from behind and how Robin’s shoulders are shaking. His heart hurts for her, how she’s stuck here with him and he tries to soothe her. “It’s okay, it’s okay. Don’t cry. Robin.”

Then he hears her giggle. Giggle. She’s not crying at all. Confusion and worry for her sanity go through him as he asks: “Are you laughing?” in an incredulous voice.

“Yeah,” Robin gasps.

“Jesus,” Steve sighs.

“I’m sorry!” Robin exclaims. “I’m so sorry. It’s just- I can’t believe I’m gonna die in a secret Russian base with Steve “The Hair” Harrington. It’s just too trippy, man.”

Steve ignores the call to his earlier persona. His straight persona he realizes now, his shield against eyes that could know something about him. Instead he focuses on Robin thinking she’s going to die down here. He agrees of course, but he’s going to do everything in his power to get her out of here alive, even if that means dying himself.

“We’re not going to die,” he tells her. “We’re gonna get out of here, okay? Just- You gotta let me just think for a second.”

He has never been the guy that made the plan and the whole situation looks hopeless. Still, he wracks his pounding brain for anything they can do.

A few seconds later and Robin is breaking their thinking silence again, asking: “Do you remember, uhm, Mrs. Click’s sophomore history class?”

“What?” Steve asks in turn, not sure if she genuinely asked that or if he’s starting to hallucinate her asking about school right now.

“Mrs. Clickity-Clackity. That’s what us band dweebs called her,” Robin goes on as if he never said anything at all. “It was first period, Tuesdays and Thursdays, so you were always late. And you always had the same breakfast. Bacon, egg, and cheese on a sesame bagel.”

Steve remembers none of this and he listens to Robin talk about him, her voice becoming more bitter as she goes on: “I sat behind you two days a week for a year. Mister Funny. Mister Cool. The King of Hawkins High himself.”

At her words Steve hearts starts to plummet and it breaks when she asks: “Do you even remember me from that class?”

She is quiet for a second, waiting for an answer, but Steve can’t bring his mouth to shape any words, doesn’t have any that would communicate how he feels. He can’t tell her how much he hates the guy he used to be, can’t excuse what he did, can’t make it right.

So he sits there, silent, as Robin sighs: “Of course you don’t. You were a real asshole, you know that?”

And all Steve can do is say: “Yeah, I know,” because he does.

After a second, Robin goes on, apparently not done yet. “But it didn’t even matter. It didn’t matter that you were an ass. Even though all of us losers pretend to be above it all, we still just wanna be popular, accepted, normal.”

Steve thinks back on all the nights he spend alone, wishing he was different, wishing he was normal, wishing his parents would love him, wishing he could be what his father wants him to be, and he gets it. Gets her.

He wants to reach out to her, tell her he understands, connect with her. He wants to tell her about Eddie and what he realized as he was getting his face beat in. But he can’t tell her that yet, they still have to try and make it out of here and he can’t have her be disgusted by him. Or heartbroken and unwilling to listen.

Yeah, Steve isn’t that stupid. Robin used to be obsessed with him, he knows what that means, and it hurts, because she might be one of his best friends now and he doesn’t want to loose her just because she has a crush on him.

Maybe he’ll tell her when they get out of here.

For now, he just says: “If it makes you feel any better, having those things isn’t all that great. Seriously. Everything that people tell you is important, everything that people say you should care about, it’s all just… bullshit. Besides, they turn on you just as easily.”

“Like when you did cheerleading?” Robin asks him softly. It’s the first time she mentioned it ever since she first asked.

��Yeah,” he replies equally soft, suddenly feeling vulnerable.

“I thought it was cool you did that,” she tells him. “It really sucked what they did to you, but you never seemed bother my it. Mister Unflappable, you were. For a second, I thought-” Robin cuts herself off. “Doesn’t matter. It was just really messed up.”

“It kind of was,” Steve agrees, then to lighten the mood, he says: “At least it can’t get any more messed up than this.”

Both of them laugh at that, Steve’s ribs hurting at the movement, but neither of them care, because they need to laugh at something at this point.

Once the laughter has died down again, Steve says: “You know, I wish I’d known you in Click’s class.”

“Yeah?” Robin replies, like she doesn’t believe it.

“Really, I do,” he assures her, because he needs her to know how glad he is he knows her. She can be a massive bitch and it wasn’t easy to get along with her at first, but she’s never been fake-nice like so many of the old people he hung around with, or cruel. She means what she says, it just comes out wrong sometimes. She is so weird and he loves her.

The mood is going down again and Steve hates that. The floor is already cold enough and any hope of getting away seems further and further away, they don’t need to be morose on top of that.

“Maybe you could’ve helped me pass the class,” he jokes. “Maybe instead of being here, I’d be on my way to college right now.”

“And I would have no idea that there were evil Russians beneath our feet, and I would be happily slinging ice cream with some other schmuck,” Robin adds.

It sounds crazy to think about. To not be here with Robin. To not have fed Chrissy ice cream every day for weeks. To not have waived Eddie’s ice cream costs, because he had already been through enough having to face the mall for his music. To not have been there when Dustin intercepted the message.

God, he can’t imagine Dustin being here alone, or with one of the other idiots he calls friends. He can’t really picture it. Having to hear how they got hurt, how they might have died, while he wasn’t here to protect them.

But maybe if he had made it into college, his father wouldn’t have been so mad. Maybe Steve would still be living in his old house. Maybe his father wouldn't have cared about the cheerleading and instead would have been proud of Steve.

He tries to imagine that. Tries to picture how his father would have looked, but he can’t. Holy shit, he can’t even imagine how his father would look when proud.

A big part of Steve knows that it wouldn’t have mattered if he got into college. Richard Harrington would never be proud of his son, of Steve. Especially not when Steve joined the cheer squad. When he is thought to be a queer.

Nothing can be good enough to erase the fact that he’s a fag.

And Steve wonders why he can’t let it go like he told Chrissy to do. Why he still keeps looking back and wondering, even if he stopped trying to gain his father’s approval. Why it has to come back in this dark, cold Russian bunker.

His parents might not even hear he’s died here, even if he dies as a hero. They’re not even here and Steve doubts they’ll come back.

He is so tired of trying for them.

He wants to stop.

He knows what he is. He is a fag and he’s proud of it, screw them. He’s gotten too close to death too many times for him to want to die like this. He doesn’t want to work in an office with his father, wearing stuffy suits for the rest of his life.

No, Steve wants to bitch with Robin as they sling ice cream at Scoops Ahoy, wants make Chrissy fly, because she smiles so widely that it must hurt when he does, wants to listen to Dustin talk about Suzie or complain about his friends, unable to hide his fondness under the annoyance.

Fuck, he wants to talk to Will, tell him how queer he is, how scared he is, how it is the reason and that he’s sorry he lied. Wants to see if Joyce’s promise that it was okay still holds. Wants to know what it would be like to kiss a boy.

Wants to know what it would be like to kiss Eddie specifically.

However, instead of saying any of that, he says: “Gotta say, though, I liked being your schmuck. It was fun while it lasted.”

Because he can’t verbalize all the other things. Their fate seems hopeless now and all he wants is for Robin to know that he doesn’t care how fucked up it has all been, he still liked working with her and he wouldn’t want to be here with anyone else.

And when Robin says: “It was,” Steve knows she understands and she means the same.

A/N:

My lesbian ass might have underestimated my ability to write a gay man, but I stay strong and I try xp (also pls don’t be mad if I mess up, I’m sensitive)

Also not Steve thinking Joyce wouldn't want to know he’s getting caught up into something again, im weeping, this lady has no chill, Stevie, and she caresssss. Let Her Care! Let Her Solve The Mystery! Let Her Help!

By the way, can you imagine how terrifying those last moments at the door were? How scary it must have been to be taken? I am so emotional about them <3

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