Between incipient Graves disease and medication suppressing my appetite, I've lost 15 pounds in the last four months. I'm not eating healthier. If anything, because I have no appetite and therefore don't want to cook, my diet has gotten worse. (For the record, 15 pounds is about what I lost in a YEAR when I was actively trying at 17-18. Now compare that to four months, including the winter holidays, at middle age without trying.)

And yet my primary care doctor congratulated me about this today. We were literally talking about the Graves diagnosis, and she was saying how glad she was that we caught it early, because I'm not really symptomatic.

Except unintentional weight loss like this IS one of the symptoms.

But I'm fat, so it doesn't count. Weight loss isn't a symptom when you're fat. It's an achievement.

anyways. maybe just treat people the same no matter their current weight. maybe don't comment on their food intake or eating habits or ask them about their fitness routine unprompted.

(TW: Medical and weight talk)

I went to a new doctor this morning to talk about my chronic back and joint pain and I felt heard. My last doctor focused on my weight and didn't do much for my pain issues, like I can't walk far or stand for long. And this new doctor actually listened and did an examination, ordered labs and X-rays.

What I liked a lot was there wasn't a scale in the room. She didn't even want to talk weight loss, she wanted to talk about physical therapy and improving my mobility.

This place was very queer. All of the patient doors were decorated with rainbows and pride flags.

The good news: no surgery in the immediate future.

The bad news: I have been told unequivocally that I absolutely must lose weight. So I’m going to try.

I’m in the lobby and don’t have the spoons to write a full post with lots of info and my feelings and everything but. Yeah. That’s where we’re at.

this is stupid and normally i don't believe much that posting about your personal life could be useful to other people but fuck it, i want to talk about what happened to me this year as i both somehow started feeling the celiac i've probably had for years and was diagnosed with it. two important lists! don't use this to diagnose yourself, i'm not an armchair doc, but this was my experience with this funny disease.

THINGS I THOUGHT CELIAC DISEASE WAS AS I GOT PROGRESSIVELY WORSE AND SICKER OVER TIME:

lingering stomach issues/ a sensitive stomach combined with a caffeine/lactose intolerance that i took an excess amount of pepto-bismol for. i ate fucking cream of wheat a lot because i thought it was a "simple food" that would calm my stomach. how was i to know?

a bad hangover, because after one specific day drinking out with friends it just seemed to get worse and so much worse. (i had had pizza that day and even alcohol with gluten in it, i know now). this spiralled, as i continued to get worse and worse. i feared liver failure, kidney damage, thought somehow i'd managed to drink enough to permanently harm myself despite being very careful about my alcohol intake due to family history.

see previous. kidney damage/failure. liver damage/failure. SIBO (small intestine bacterial overload) or other such small intestine/large intestine issues. ulcers. i feared every single stomach/small intestine/large intestine condition with vaguely overlapping symptoms that seemed accurate to what i was experiencing. it was at this point that i wound up in the ER for the first of several times.

a viral stomach infection, because that's what the people at the ER told me it was the first time i went before sending me home :) nevermind the fact i told them i'd been sick for a long time. long enough that even if it had been a viral illness, something would have been Really Wrong.

endometriosis/ovarian cysts/ some kind of uterus/hormonal-related misery that had somehow gotten bad enough to affect other parts of my body. irrational thought? probably, but i was panicking. people want answers when they're panicking and feel like they're getting weaker and sicker by the week with no end in sight.

dehydration alone. no other issue here, you just don't drink enough water. you're also strangely losing weight and suffering some kind of malnutrition? maybe you need to eat better. this was after going to the ER a second time, and being dismissed as dehydrated because i didn't drink enough water. i was confused. i drank water- enough of it that i should have been fine. i had never let it go to the point of suffering ill effects, but i didn't want to question anyone- you say it's my fault and don't question whether or not my gut is even fucking absorbing the food, electrolytes, and water i'm giving it? sure thing boss. my bad.

at some point i genuinely just assumed i was dying of something, not even going to lie. call me dramatic if you will but people do not take being incredibly sick constantly for eight months nonstop with grace. i was paranoid i had some kind of cancer no one was recognizing, or permanent intestinal damage of some kind.

THINGS I EXPERIENCED WITH CELIAC WHILE UNWELL:

Gas, bloating, a constant strange sense of discomfort in my guts, etc- a lot of gastrointestinal symptoms you'd equate with having some kind of stomach flu or stomach ulcers.

Bad acid reflux.

Constant nausea to some degree. Sometimes bad enough that it left me retching for half an hour, sometimes just a vague queasiness that drove me insane. I never threw up once over the span of this eight months, but I gagged and retched and felt like I was Going To constantly over this span of time. This was the worst to me personally, despite the pain and discomfort of everything else. I am still prone to anxiety attacks whenever I feel myself possibly getting even slightly nauseous now. Funnily, thought, I am not afraid of the concept of throwing up.

Bad stomach cramping, internal pains.

Awful fatigue. Like, BAD fatigue. Keep in mind, I already live with arthritis and mental illness, so I'm used to managing fatigue- but up until I started feeling Celiac symptoms, I had it firmly under control with medicine. I could barely feel awake at any time of day, I would sleep for 18-20 hours straight at times, all too often I couldn't even muster up the energy to move when I wanted to. I'd just lie there and feel like I was about to shut down and fall asleep again.

Brain fog, exacerbations of all the other symptoms of my other conditions. etc. Any mental health condition I had that I had previously had under control? Nope. You are the pinnacle of misery now.

Perpetual dehydration and malnutrition despite my best attempts at vitamins/hydration/electrolyte consumption and so on and so forth. None of that can do much for you when your body isn't absorbing anything. I also dropped weight like a stone.

No appetite whatsoever, of course.

When it got really bad, the insomnia I already had became so much worse. I suddenly couldn't sleep no matter how hard I tried, sometimes even with the application of my insomnia medication. I would be stuck awake until I physically could no longer handle that, and then I'd be out again for up to 18-19 hours or more.

Major tw for weight loss, diet culture, and medical fatphobia below.

So apparently I've lost 14lbs since February and I'm really struggling with how to feel about it...bcs like the part of my brain that has been poisoned by systemic fatphobia and diet culture is happy which sucks, and another part of me is kinda satisfied bcs my shitty neurologist is convinced losing weight will fix my migraines and intracranial hypertension and so far that does not seem to be the case, so like idk maybe when I go back she'll actually take me seriously and start looking at alternative treatment options, which would be a nice change of pace.

But I'm also like a little worried about how fast I'm losing weight?? I mean I have started to get more sleep for the first time in years, and I've changed what I eat significantly cuz of my gluten issues and such, but I'm not starving myself and I still eat plenty of "unhealthy" food(and I haven't been exercising at all cuz of the heat), and I don't think getting sleep would lead to this dramatic of a change either...and like a lot of that weight has been lost in the last month and a half which seems really fast???

Like I've been told a pound a week is normal, but I doubt that bcs I know how bs weight science is bs, and like, I've lost 4lbs in the last 3 weeks and that just seems like it's too fast?? And I know rapid weight loss is usually a sign something is Wrong, but I doubt my doctors are going to take any concerns seriously since they want me to lose weight and I haven't even hit the weight they want me to be at yet(130lbs which also seems a bit low for an adult woman to me!!) and idk I'm worried if I do get that low and keep going they're just gonna ignore it and act like it's a good thing and ahhhh I don't like that.

Anyway I don't have another doctor's appointment for a bit and I refuse to have a scale in my house at all so for now I guess I just gotta see what happens, but if I do go in to any of my later appointments and find out I've lost another 4-5lbs I'm going to actually start to worry. Like maybe my actual natural weight is lower than what it's been and I'm returning to it now that I'm eating food that isn't fucking up my stomach and I'm actually getting enough sleep every night, but idk I just don't think that kind of loss is normal.

Didn't See Any of This Coming

Late at night on Thursday, October 19, I drove myself to the emergency room. I fully expected to be treated and released, and after I saw triage just barely after midnight, it looked like exactly what would happen.

Instead, my entire life changed.

I went in for an abscess in an embarrassing location, which shouldn't have stopped me from seeking treatment earlier, but absolutely did. I figured they'd open and drain it, put me on some IV antibiotics, then send me on my way with a prescription for oral antibiotics. And for a while, that looked like exactly what would happen.

At least, until someone came into the room to ask me, "Are you diabetic?"

"Not as far as I know," I said.

"Did you know your blood sugar is 330?"

I've known for a long time things weren't great with my health, but I didn't see that one coming. Honestly, I was hoping whatever was wrong would kill me, preferably painlessly and in my sleep, within the next five to ten years.

That was already my first trip to the ER as an adult. What followed were a lot more firsts.

First IV.

First person who has seen my butt as an adult (a number that unfortunately kept climbing).

First CT scan.

First minor surgery (lidocaine is weak, I felt almost all of it).

First admission to a hospital.

First time taking insulin.

First major surgery under general anesthesia.

First time receiving fentanyl (or any opioid). After all the hype on the news, I thought that should be good, and instead it did absolutely nothing. Found out afterward that my dad and grandfather both got morphine a few times after surgery or in the ER for injuries and it did nothing for either of them. Just my luck to come up with chronic pain and a resistance to opioids.

I've suspected for a while that I have an autoimmune disorder, though I don't know which one. And a collagen disorder, probably EDS, but not sure which one. I've heard all the nightmare stories about fighting for diagnosis, so it was a little unsettling to mention autoimmune disorders and have every single medical professional say, "Yeah, that sounds right." Or to do my stupid human tricks (bending fingers and moving my trachea only, I never got far) and have people immediately go, "Yup, that's a collagen disorder."

Also, surprise! I have a heart murmur.

Shout out to my liver and kidneys, apparently the only organs in my body quietly doing their jobs without any drama.

The following days were frustrating. Everyone was eager to explain what diabetes is to me, but not what I needed to do. People kept mentioning that I had a sliding scale for my insulin, but no one would tell me what that meant. A diabetes educator would be coming to my room to explain it to me, so they didn't need to tell me anything.

After surgery, I never saw the surgeon again. No followup of any kind. Also absolutely no pain management. Before surgery, someone would occasionally offer me Tylenol. Afterward, I didn't even get that. It's apparently acceptable to leave a patient in so much pain she doesn't sleep for more than 36 hours, and after the 24 hour mark, you can offer melatonin.

Honestly, I don't think Tylenol would have helped, but a few throat lozenges would have made a huge difference in my world.

No one ever really explained or showed me how to care for the open wound left after surgery. The wound is located somewhere that is very difficult for me to see or reach, especially both at once. One person told me, "Just take a corner of gauze and poke, poke, poke it into the hole, but not too far, because you don't want to make the wound worse." When a nurse pointed out the difficulty of seeing the location, wound care sent a hand mirror smaller than my palm.

The doctor gave discharge orders, but the nurse at the time didn't want to let me go because the diabetes educator still hadn't come. I didn't know exactly when to take my blood sugar or insulin or how much to take. Because no one would tell me. So the nurse talked me into staying an extra night.

The doctor and several nurses also said someone with the hospital's social services would come talk to me about handling the bill and about getting a primary care physician because after 12 years without one, I can't keep not going to a doctor.

Neither the diabetes educator nor anyone from social services ever came to my room. I finally got a frustrated nurse to explain the sliding scale for insulin to me and when I should take my blood sugar and when I should take insulin. The next nurse diligently avoided me at all times until she announced I was getting discharged, better get ready. I stayed an extra night for literally no reason, for help that never came.

A pharmacist called me to tell me the doctor had ordered a glucometer and some other supplies for me, but my insurance had a really high copay on them, and she wanted me to know that I could buy them way cheaper on my own if I'd like to do that. When she found out that no one had explained most things to me, she was outraged. She spent a long time on the phone with me, explaining everything that she could. Bless that woman. I've told everyone who would listen her name and that she was so helpful when I was desperate and alone.

I got discharged just like that. I didn't get any written aftercare instructions from my surgery. I still don't know if I'm caring appropriately for my wound. I have a followup scheduled for three weeks after my discharge. I have since reached out, and people will apologize, but no one will give me the information I need.

I left the hospital terrified and confused. I'm used to figuring things out on my own, but the repeated promises of help that never came almost broke me completely.

I got two different types of insulin in reusable pens. No one had shown me that type of pen or how to use them. I had to figure it out by myself after I was home.

After I got home, someone from social services did call me. I had an appointment for the next day with a diabetes educator...who heard about me for the very first time after I was discharged, when social services called him and he immediately arranged an appointment for me.

Also, no one ever told social services they needed to talk to me about anything. They arranged an appointment with a primary care physician. It was written in my discharge paperwork, but no one told me.

The diabetes educator was actually pretty helpful. Turns out I'd gotten about half the information I needed about when and how to take my insulin. Since he gave me a different sliding scale and more instructions, I've actually kept my blood sugar consistently under 150, and mostly between 110 and 135.

I did tell him that the last time I saw a doctor, he dismissed all of my concerns to pressure me to join his high intensity weight loss program. At the time, I weighed around 300 lbs. I figured before I could get real help, I needed to wait until I was old enough, thin enough, or sick enough for people to take me seriously, and in the 12 years since then, I've done my best to take care of myself. When I arrived in the ER, I weighed 208 lbs. I was the sickest and most miserable I've ever been.

He told me he expects me to lose at least 20 lbs by the next time I see him.

Eating is beneficial. I should do it.

So I was put on a new and wildly popular medication recently because I'm showing all the signs of teetering on the edge of full-blown diabetes and I'm tremendously overweight. I've managed to lose about ten percent of my body weight through diet alone - though it took me a year - but the doc thinks that this med to control my A1C/blood sugar and weight is a good plan.

I took my first shot yesterday. Everyone who's on it talks about how it "quiets the food noise" and I scoffed at that because I don't think I have "food noise." I don't think about food all the time; hell, I forget to eat sometimes.

But this stuff? Holy shit. I haven't eaten enough calories for the day yet and I'm not ravenous. I'm not going "dang, I should eat more for dinner." Like, the hunger signal just ain't there. I am staring at a cup of chocolate milk with protein powder mixed in that I can't finish because I'm just not hungry. It's a bit scary - because I truly do need to eat at least 1,200 calories a day for health reasons. I'm a little wigged out, and I have nowhere to talk about it, so I guess this is a little shout into the void.

My next planned body modification is EmSculpt (using electromagnetic energy to destroy fat cells and stimulate muscles), starting next week. I had one SculpSure (uses thermal energy to destroy fat calls) treatment on my lower abdomen and WHOOOOOO LITTLE DOGGY that hurt like a SON OF A BITCH. Like jabbing a curling iron under my skin! Just about as bad as my IUD, which did not go well for me. Luckily for me their machine broke and they're not repairing it, so I got a refund for the second planned treatment and I'm just going to see someone a LOT closer to home for the EmSculpt, which allegedly is a lot less painful than the SculpSure. And will be cheaper, not even including the drive time and gas money--two SculpSure sessions was going to run me 1800, and four EmSculpt sessions will be 1500.

I mean, the SculpSure worked, I lost a visible though not dramatic amount of fat tissue, but the whole reason I went with that instead of CoolSculpt (using cryo to destroy fat cells, less painful because you're numb from the cold) was that CoolSculpt notoriously can cause a "shelf" effect and I thought (because they market it this way!) since the SculpSure panels were flat that wouldn't happen--but I still got a little shelf in one spot, because you kind of have to hold the tubes that lead to the panels in place and one was at a bit of an angle and got pressed into my skin. So overall, don't do it, SculpSure is not worth it. I'll report back on EmSculpt.

At some point I'll get back into tattoos, and finally get the full-back tattoo I've been planning for a couple of decades now. But that's for when I've finished letting my friend who might become a provider practice cutting off and freezing off moles on me.

It really becomes apparent when you're trying to find recipes of things you can eat to try and gain back weight lost because of illness and every. Single. Search. Brings up suggestions for weight loss

Gross AF

.

Okay I'm not unfollowing this person on Twitter who retweeted a transition comparison that includes WEIGHT LOSS, literally 107 pounds, as part of the "goal" for transitioning but like, this is strike one.

"Don’t ever think you’re too big or too masc to transition."

Big women are good too.

hi id first just like to ask if you could please answer this anonymously as im uncomfortable with this being answering with my username/account attached. that being said something happened today that id really appreciate some advice on if you can give me any and also need to vent about. 

basically, im a fat 17 year old with PCOS (the most significant way its affected me (other than my weight) at least to my current knowledge is a very rare/delayed period which i have started taking medication for that has helped quite a bit although it does have side affects of affecting my mood and sleep but i only have to take them for a little over a week 3 or 4 times a year and apparently those side affects will diminish over time so its not a major issue for me) and today i had an appointment with a dietitian that my mother had set up for me (and was present for) in regards to my weight and my PCOS (although before hand i only thought was in regards to my weight) the dietitian told me that my PCOS was apparently caused by my weight (specifically saying something about how fat around my pancreas was affecting insulin production) (saying so when all she knew about me was my weight and that i had PCOS) which i was somewhat skeptical of in the moment even though i hadnt done much research on the causes of PCOS and weight and PCOS specifically i had done some if not a lot on PCOS in general and most of what i had seen described weight gain/high weight as a side affect instead of the cause (and i have does some research since i got home specifcally via the blog bigfatscience here on tumblr and based on a lot of what iv seen weight is not a cause for PCOS) but when i brought that up she just dismissed it and i didnt really feel comfortable enough to push it further at all so i didnt and in general the appointment was really really uncomfortable and embarrassing for me especially with my mother there and there was a lot of talk on my diet which i really didnt enjoy and made me very uncomfortable but in the end the dietitian told me that i should eat less high GI foods and more low GI foods instead as that would help with things like having a regular period, gave me a diagram of a plate that was half vegetables and the other half split between carbs and protein as a bases for what my diet should be, and told me that i should try to loose weight and gave me a sheet with info on weight loss. im not necessarily against the idea of trying to eat less high GI foods (although i dont know if that would be sustainable especially if it was eating a lot less high GI foods and the main reason i was give to do so other than weight loss is to help have a more regular period which i am already on medication for like a said earlier so i dont see much point in that regard but my mother said she wanted a "more permanent solution") and i am somewhat skeptical of the diagram that was given to me although i havent done much of my own research on that specifically, i have however done a lot of research on the adverse affects of dieting and deliberate weight loss, and how losing weight doesnt long term and you will just gain weight back again which is more harmful and how trying to loose weight has negative affects on physical and metal health so i really do not think i should try to loose wight but i was also told that i should try to weigh myself regularly to see if im loosing and have another appointment with the dietitian which i feel like my mother is defiantly going to try to hold me to and i know theres no point in trying to show her proof that dieting and trying to loose weight wont work because i know she wont believe it and instead will either get upset with or dismiss me in ways that will just be very hurtful for me (i have experience with this in regards to things like talking about the way she treats my autism, her homophobia, and the many hurtful ways shes treated me in the past so i know what her reaction will be and that there isnt a point in trying to reason with her) (1/2)

so essentially i will have to try to loose weight regardless (especially since my mother is very strict and has a lot of control in regards to things like this in my life) even though i know that it wont work and will just hurt me in the long run. on top of this despite doing a lot of research into things like HAES and fat activism i do still deal with a lot of internalized fatphobia especially in regards to eating and i do worry sometimes that im close to developing an eating disorder beucase i often feel guilty for eating and good about myself if i dont eat or am hungry for a while and i feel like this is really going to add to that and potentially lead to me developing more ED habits or more of an ED mindset and i do already feel like its been affecting me in that way a lot like i havent had anything to eat since the appointment even though its been a several hours and really dont want to even though i am hungry and i know this isnt healthy for me to feel and act this way but like i said i cant really avoid it that much, i know this is a really lot of information and i dont blame you if you dont have any advice for my situation but if you can give me any or even just some support i really really would appreciate it, thank you

mod squirrel: 

Well the first thing that stands out to me is that you are 17, so whatever you are being pushed into legally will end when you are 18. I know that abusive people will still try to force people to do things but that's a start. 

TBH I would demand to speak to a NUTRITIONIST over a dietician. They are the ones more likely to work on making sure you are not being starved of nutrients. Also legally at 18 she can be asked to leave the room so if she INSISTS you go to the dietician after you are 18 (say by threatening to kick you out or whatever) you can have he removed. Also it is incredibly stupid to say ANYTHING about someone's insulin without tests? if you are feeling particularly salty, report that as medical incompetence to the hospital. 

What I say next is based on the idea that you are fairly powerless and have to make the best of a bad situation: At least sticking to low glycemic foods isn't a terrible diet idea, because diabetics have to do it. You can have nutritionally balanced meals, when being pushed into a wall like this it’s critical you get enough nutrition.  

If your mom wants a more permanent solution to your PCOS she should advocate for getting your ovaries removed but given that your dietician is a moron (sarcastic surprised Pikachu face) its unlikely to be on the table. You’ll potentially see weight loss on your hormone pills, when I started mine I lost some weight. because the hormones treat the issue that is causing weight gain. Im at the point that if someone who knows what PCOS is and they still think that weight gain causes it I’m calling into question everything they know. 

You're right that it’s pointless and you are on medication that would actually effect your weight as it treats your PCOS but your moms a fucking idiot. 

Again, this is a shitty situation. Focus on your own work unlearning fatphobia. Your mom has failed you but you don’t have to fail yourself. It takes a lot of work and its a struggle and that's normal.

Im gonna be raw with you. I had a gyno appointment and she kept talking about my weight and I had the same reaction. I felt like shit and like I didn’t deserve to eat. You can be doing advocacy and know the truth inside and out and it can still punch you in the face. Then I got angry. Anger gives me energy over depression freezing me in a loop of self hate. I ate food because she’s a fucking CLOWN. btw i find it extremely irresponsible for any doctor other than my primary doctor to talk about my weight let alone ask I cut something from my diet. So called medical professionals need to learn to stay in their fucking lanes. So I can say if I'm not there with you, we are down the street from each other. If you need to I say, eat out spite. If thats what it takes to make sure you arent skipping meals. 

As far as weighing yourself goes, mention how each scale is different so its best to only be weighed at the doctors. maybe that’ll trick her into leaving that part out. 

In the end this is indeed a shitty ass situation and I would focus on nutrition. Your mom can think its for weight loss but there's no guarantee it will happen period. 

When you turn 18 things are going to be in flux so hang in there. I'm somewhat at a loss because as far as I can see its make the best of a bad situation. If other mods or followers have advice please share. 

Warning: weight loss mention (no in depth discussion about feelings yet)

So. Those of you who keep up to date with my personal posts will know that on Monday I saw a new hepatologist to discuss my many (non-cancerous) liver tumors and what to do about them.

The answers I got were more or less what I expected. Thankfully, I don't need any scary procedures any time soon, and possibly won't ever need surgery, which would be fantastic. As I suspected, I'm not a good candidate for resection anyway. Since I'm largely asymptomatic we don't need to look into something like trans arterial embolization right now, let alone transplant. Yay! Also, they said I can safely eat moderate amounts of soy, which is great, because I like soy based foods. That's the good news.

There were a few pieces of bad news. The first was that while I knew I couldn't be on estrogen based birth control, they said it wouldn't be safe for me to risk progesterone based birth control either. I have to stay off entirely. So that kind of sucks, I hate just getting my period naturally every month, the pmdd symptoms are so much worse that way. But I'll take horrible cramps and mental health struggles over tumor growth.

And speaking of mental health struggles being preferable to tumor growth, the other thing that was made very clear to me was that I absolutely must lose weight. Estrogen production increases with large amounts of fatty tissue, and the doctor said that's the main reason these tumors are worsened by weight gain. She thinks that the amount of tumor growth they found was within the margin of error, so it's possible it didn't grow, but if it did grow it's likely because I gained some weight in the past year. (They're going to look at all my MRIs during rounds next week with a radiologist to see if it really grew or not). It was made very clear to me that the only way to get them to shrink is to lose weight, and that if I don't or if I gain weight I'm at serious risk of them growing.

So. Weight loss. Apparently not super optional. I mean, I know I have bodily autonomy, I could decide not to lost weight technically, but yeah the consequences here are serious and not worth messing around with. Which means for the first time since I was an anorexic teenager I will be trying to lose weight.

I have...a lot of conflicting feelings about that, but this post is already long and I feel like those feelings should go in their own post so I can adequately explain and trigger warn. So. I'll stop here for now.

Sure would be nice if I could have a knowledgeable medical professional to talk to about vague, slightly embarrassing issues without worrying that I would be told a) to lose weight or b) whatever the current euphemism for ‘it’s all in your head’ is

I already don't use facebook all that much but I legit am considering just giving it up entirely bcs every time I post about how frustrated diet culture makes me, especially now that I'm trying to do anti-inflammatory gluten free stuff, I get people replying defending weight loss and trying to explain why keto and 1400 cal diets and intermitent fasting and never eating sugar/carbs/fat is all perfectly normal and healthy for the average person to do and it's legit distressing.

Like I don't even want to post about being happy I'm making these dietary changes bcs of a food intolerance bcs I'm worried people are gonna see it as me like, defending diet culture or contributing to it or giving in or something and it makes me feel so gross. Almost makes me think I need to put big, giant disclaimers at the top of my posts like "this is because I have a medical condition and is NOT an endorsement of fad diets and weight loss, if you do not have a food intolerance you have no reason to go gluten free it's literally pointless" at the top but that would probably just make everyone more upset.

So, my stepmom who had a relapse that came to light around Xmas and then went to rehab (which I was really optimistic about because she went to a different location of the same program I did, and she did addiction + anxiety treatment which she also needed and obviously they’re related), has been recently discharged and is possibly already using something again? Idk, she had a call with my sister (half sister, her daughter) where according to sister she was slurring and making no sense, “worse than I’ve ever heard before.” I mean, I guess that’s that but because of the nature of addiction and all my reinforcement, I keep doubting it or feeling like I just can’t be sure until I also “catch” her. But that’s dumb - she heard what she heard and I have no reason to doubt her.

Anyway, that’s all very sad and frustrating and crazy making, but it’s also causing me to have Severe Opinions about my stepmom’s past weight loss surgery. I was talking to BFF about it and she said that the research points to very common relapse or new addiction issues and/or eating disorders in people who get it that already had addiction issues. So I’ve now done some research into it, and apparently more conservative experts say addicts just shouldn’t get the surgery. It makes sense - in my stepmom’s case at least, it’s like she’s just literally never been without some kind of substance. She was using alcohol and drugs, got off them but moved on to food and yo-yo dieting. Then, this surgery, now she can’t use food that same way…back to drugs.

She’s also had other terrible complications. Multiple instances of intussusception (like, intestines telescoping on themselves which is a medical emergency that will kill you without surgery ASAP). She can’t properly absorb nutrients and is so iron deficient she now has to go for occasional hours-long infusions in a clinic. …obviously I’m sure her addiction issues also play into the intussusception, so maybe patients without said issues would have fewer complications. But the nutrient issues I think are just from the surgery! So I really just wince hard when I hear of anyone getting it. Usually just internally.

It also makes me so sad that all her treatment has been in the “disease model” of addiction. Idk if I don’t believe in it at all, but as my addiction specialist friend told me when I asked “I don’t think I’ve treated any addicts that didn’t have trauma.” And I don’t think my stepmom’s ever truly processed her own trauma. Her littlest brother died unexpectedly when he was 4 or 5, and she was I think 10. Family life was already not great but then became miserable. Her parents were very much in the “well that was bad but we must move on!” mode. Repress repress.

Well this reminds me, I need to schedule another appointment with my therapist!