HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ROSABELLA BEAUTY!!

(September 4th!) 🦁🌹❤️

[You did send a less detailed version of this ask a few days ago, I just hadn't gone through my inbox enough XD] + [I love the detailed responses though! It's nice to see so much interest in my silly aus!]

okay! I thought I sent one but I couldn't quite remember if I did XD Sometimes I feel like I ramble too much so I'm glad you like these! if it's not to much trouble do you mind answer the og post, you don't have to actually make any comments on it contents but I'm keeping notes on Slow boiled au for the fanfic I'm writing and their might be some details in there I forgot about, thank you.

[Peaches. Some days his brain/body just decides "Eww no. bleh. Spit it out right now" and the nausea hits him hard. Wukong is dismayed whenever it happens.]

at some point in s3 MK walks in on Monkey King crying over a peach with a single bite taken out of it, Wukong having gotten emotional when he his body couldn't handle the peach + stress (I headcanon that part of his obsession with peaches are because peaches are a comfort food for him, so not being able to eat one when stressed hit him pretty hard).

[Think of it like the formation of a geode - it can do it either over a natural couple of centuries, or in a few months with intervention.]

the geode comparison is really cool! especially considering it's a stone egg.

[it's possible MK *remembers* being held by someone soft with a round belly + gold eyes. He assumes throughout his life that this person was his birth mother before he was given up/orphaned.]

imagine monkey king asking MK about his family, wantingto know how his brother's reincarnations are doing, and MK talks about them then mentions he was actually adopted and MK offhandedly mentioning the one memory he has of his "birth mother" to Monkey king and monkey king just being like "oh. oh no."

[So that Stone Egg been slow boiling from anywhere between 1394 to 1116 years. 0_o] + [Either way SWK has beaten Lao Tzu/Zi's mom (pregnant for 62-80 years), and def brags about that fact to whatever immortal will hear.]

honestly, after that long, he's earned bragging rights.

[DBK overhears LBD making threatening references to Wukong's conditon and immediately interrupts her villainy bs to yell at his sworn brother.]

LBD just giving up and leaving as the two bicker is hilarious. it also has the affect of eleveating some of Wukong's stress about LBD returning, and making him feel better about the rift between him and his brother once DBK accepts his proposal to be the egg's godparent. evn if offering such a title to someone other then Ao Lie leaves a bittersweet taste in his mouth. he knows Ao Lie would't mind him giving the title to someone he trusted, but he'd always been so sure that someone would be Ao Lie.

[After the initial shock wears off, PIF immediately summons a catalog to look for baby shower supplies. This is a monumentous occassion!]

all negitive feelings are forgotten when the excitement of a new baby within the sworn family is brought into everything + learning that Wukong very possibly could have lost his own child by helping with the Samadhi fire ritual, something he did becuase he was one of the few who could help them from losing their own child. from mother to mother(?), she understands how hard of a call that must have been to make.

[She ofc assumes it's Macaque's fault (she's not wrong XD) and that this might be her future sworn niece/nephew! She simply must organise everything for her idiot sworn brother and his mate!]

when Yuebei is born and has dark fur and glowing ears she feels it is confirmed that her assumption Macaque was the other parent was correct, no one corrects her about the bio parent situation.

[Red blinks in confusion before confronting the Monkie Kid gang about it later. Mei demands PIF's contact details right that second so that they can swap party ideas.]

red son is just going "WTH WTH WTH" the whole time as they explain, Mei would absolutely insert herself into baby shower planing the moment the idea is brought up.

[Macaque spends most of S3 trying to bat away any thoughts/predictive sounds of a happy domestic life him and Wukong cna have together.]

its dangerous to be thinking of such things with the lady bone demon breathing down his neck, but he can't help it. it gets overwhelming sometimes, the sounds of domestic moments from the past mixing with possible futures leave him questioning what it is exactly he wants anymore. but those are thoughts to process when LBD is defeated and the world isn't on the cusp of being destroyed. now of Wukong didn't put himself and the egg in one of the most compramising positions ever by being possessed in the meantime, that would be great. he makes up his mind the moment a just freed monkey king collapses into his arms crying like this is the only hug he's ever had in his life.

[Yuebei's first immortal kill is in fact LBD, preformed before she was even born. Once the switch "flipped" on the possesed SWK, the Egg recognised LBD as both a threat to her parent and a tasty source of Dao, hence; nom-nom-nom.] + [All thats left behind of the ancient bone demon is a picked-clean skull.]

not even out of the womb and already earning her "god killer" title. Wukong always guessed any kid that was solely his would be a menace, but now he's starting to get a little concerned.

I was doing some doodles for this au and I had the idea of Yuebei getting a staff of her own from her parents and I wanted it to have something to do with LBD's skull, but I couldn't make the design work. so I actually had the idea of her having her staff and wearing the front of LBD's skull like a mask. she legit wearing the skeletal face of her first kill, creepy, stylish, and effective at scaring off her enemies.

[Ah, a fellow party crasher, just like her baba.]

Wukong appreciates the hustle, but could she be a menace to everyone except him and is poor body please? he just got put through hell and now he's gotta get this egg outta him and that's probably gonna be less fun then getting possessed.

[Wukong and Macaque can barely enjoy the bowl of noodles they've stolen (in good humor) from MK when Wukong's face just drops from a shift in his body.]

Macaque feels Wukong's body suddenly go rigid and is confused, then he sees the look on Wukong's face and just knows. as soon as Wukong starts ordering Ne Zha to go get Guanyin he's instantly fussing and getting things ready for the undoubtedly long few hours ahead. surprisingly, the two monkeys are basically the only ones not panicking at this point, them and Guanyin once they're on the scene.

[Tang: "Oh gracious Buddha! The bodhisattva Guanyi herse-- oh gosh this is a lot grosser than I was expecting..." *gets woozy and hides face in Pigsy's chest*]

no matter the incarnation, every reincarnation of the golden cicada is squeamish.

[Imagine how much crying would be involved if little Yuebei just so happened to be born six-eared as well?] + [Hard to refute their claims when the little Monkey Princess has such lovely midnight-dark fur and glowing ears.]

I like to think that she wouldn't have his six sensitive ears because she didn't actually have the genetics for it, but her appearance could still be pushed so her ears do still glow a little.

even if their aren't six ears, the instant Macaque sees her ears glowing he would not be able to stop himself from squealing with joy and practically side tackling Wukong as he is incoherently babbling about how much he loves her.

[He def recorded a tape + wrote letters to Yuebei before she was born ala "For Steven" in Steven Universe... just in case his immortality didn't work in the end.]

he def let Guanyin know before hand so that if things did go wrong they'd know the tapes/letters were there to give to his infant.

[Little Yuebei spent so much time in the "final run" hearing show tunes, action movies, and the voices of Wukong's new found family/troop that she thinks theses are all "good noises"!]

this is super cute!

but to make a good thing angsty, what if she also has "bad noises" that she associates with certain things. what if when they first met Azure she was super aggressive towards him at first because she "remembers" hearing him being really mean and/or straight up hurting Wukong at some point in the journey. and what if she also isn't that trusting of macaque at first because she also only ever "heard" him when he was in the process of trying to hurt her baba and his friends, both in his first life and now in his second. this def upsets Macaque but also he did do that so he's the one who's gotta make up for it, luckily yuebei seems to warm up to him quickly when she sees him and Wukong being cuddly and reconciling.

[Yuebei decided that "Kitty" wasn't playing with her, wasn't holding her right, and wasn't even singing to her! And she wanted to make her frustrations known.]

c'mon Azure, if you're gonna hold a super strong baby that already doesn't like you the least you can do is try and keep her happy and preoccupied. he's got no one but himself to blame

sequel to this post!

Im uber excited to read more your fic btw!

[I headcanon that part of his obsession with peaches are because peaches are a comfort food for him, so not being able to eat one when stressed hit him pretty hard]

Wukong associates peaches with 1: Food security, 2: His Immortality, and most importantly, 3: His friendship/romance with Macaque. So his body deciding to reject peaches is a huge stresser for him, which leads to more stress and more nausea and less peaches, in an endless cycle. Peach chips at least dont seem to trigger the worst of his food adversion though, the crunchy chip texture seems to cancel it out.

[...MK talks about them then mentions he was actually adopted and MK offhandedly mentioning the one memory he has of his "birth mother" to Monkey king and monkey king just being like "oh. oh no."]

Oh MK sweetie no... :(

And the Monkey King is just silent cus he knows who MK is talking about [him], and even if SWK didn't create MK in the au, he was still the one to decide to send him to live among mortals for his own good. So the idea that MK potientially remembers Wukong from this time is a huge shock to him.

Wukong: "...your mother, what did they look like?"

MK, clueless: "Umm... their hair was a warm orange-y color. Like the sun. And I think their eyes was this really shiny yellow, or maybe amber colour? Oh! And they had this round stomach - I remember hugging it..." *gets kinda wistful* "I don't know why I'm not with them anymore, but hope they're doing ok if they're still out there."

Wukong, hand ghosting over his stomach: "You and me both bud."

[DBK accepts his proposal to be the egg's godparent. evn if offering such a title to someone other then Ao Lie leaves a bittersweet taste in his mouth. he knows Ao Lie would't mind him giving the title to someone he trusted, but he'd always been so sure that someone would be Ao Lie.]

Wukong def was hit hard by Ao Lie's passing. It pains him to give the godparent title to anyone else, but he knows when push comes to shove; his older sworn brother will be there to protect his infant. Ao Lie would just be glad that Wukong meant his offer all those centuries ago.

[all negitive feelings are forgotten when the excitement of a new baby within the sworn family is brought into everything + learning that Wukong very possibly could have lost his own child by helping with the Samadhi fire ritual, something he did becuase he was one of the few who could help them from losing their own child. from mother to mother(?), she understands how hard of a call that must have been to make.]

PIF has to give Wukong mega-respect; putting himself and his baby on the line for the health of her own. Even if she considers it so stupid to agree to such a dangerous ritual when Wukong knew he was carrying, PIF just looks over at Red Son, alive and healthy, and just hugs Wukong the next time she sees him. Although she hasn't been the most welcoming sworn sister-in-law, she vows to make it up to him for saving her child from the Samadhi Fire.

A decent proper baby shower is first on her list of repayments.

[when Yuebei is born and has dark fur and glowing ears she feels it is confirmed that her assumption Macaque was the other parent was correct, no one corrects her about the bio parent situation.]

PIF just side-eyeing Macaque whenever she sees him, convinced from the talk of the two's bad breakup + Macaque not initially knowing about the pregnancy; that her lil sworn bro is the baby-daddy. And when Yuebei is born having "imprinted" on Wukong's yearning/love for Macaque...

PIF: *seeing the baby's dark fur and glowing ears* PIF (whispering so not to wake the baby): "I fcking knew it." Macaque: *is too tired/proud to argue with her* "Yeaaah..." :')

[red son is just going "WTH WTH WTH" the whole time as they explain, Mei would absolutely insert herself into baby shower planing the moment the idea is brought up.]

Red has no idea what to do in response to all this baby talk, so he just; tries to apologise to SWK for setting him on fire a bunch as a toddler??

Wukong appriciates the effort.

Mei, PIF and Jiuweihuli get talking and soon Wukong is looking at a baby shower akin to a red carpet event.

[...but those are thoughts to process when LBD is defeated and the world isn't on the cusp of being destroyed. now of Wukong didn't put himself and the egg in one of the most compramising positions ever by being possessed in the meantime, that would be great. he makes up his mind the moment a just freed monkey king collapses into his arms crying like this is the only hug he's ever had in his life.]

Macaque spends episodes asking himself he truly wants to rebuild his and Wukong's relationship, and when the king holds him tight like he's about to disappear - Macaque decides to stay for good.

[not even out of the womb and already earning her "god killer" title.]

Imagine you're a random Celestial or demon and you hear the dreaded "God Killer" is gonna be at an event, and it's a tiny baby monkey in a papoose strapped to the Monkey King, or his many terrifying sworn family members.

You'd honestly be more afraid of that baby.

[I was doing some doodles for this au and I had the idea of Yuebei getting a staff of her own from her parents and I wanted it to have something to do with LBD's skull, but I couldn't make the design work. so I actually had the idea of her having her staff and wearing the front of LBD's skull like a mask. she legit wearing the skeletal face of her first kill, creepy, stylish, and effective at scaring off her enemies.]

Oh that sounds so cool!!! Her divine skull weapon being a mask made from the skull of her first kill that she uses to channel her deadly power - like turning the Medusa's head into a shield. Her staff being a gift from her parents that has no inate magic ability beyond the fact that she puts her trust in it as her first "real" weapon.

I can imagine she uses a glamour/quick magic to put the skull/mask on (like Dr Facillier in "Friends on the Other Side") as a way of saying "You're f*cked" to her opponents.

I'm excited to see how your drawings go!

[-the two monkeys are basically the only ones not panicking at this point, them and Guanyin once they're on the scene.]

Wukong and Macaque are def panicking, though its more an excited kind of panicking. Nezha and MK are def screaming. Guanyin is the only one with a cool head the entire time.

Pigsy is good at pretending he isn't worried, but he ends up tearing apart the campsight's kitchen in a hurry to make enough food for everyone. Especially when DBK and PIF realise what's happening, and are posted incase Wukong's baby causes as much trouble for him as Red did to them.

[I like to think that she wouldn't have his six sensitive ears because she didn't actually have the genetics for it, but her appearance could still be pushed so her ears do still glow a little.

even if their aren't six ears, the instant Macaque sees her ears glowing he would not be able to stop himself from squealing with joy and practically side tackling Wukong as he is incoherently babbling about how much he loves her.]

Oh gosh, Mac and Wukong just see Yuebei for the first time. She's still kinda gross, having *just* busted out of her thin ambiotic shell. Her fur dark... And her little ears glowing?! Both monkey parents are sobbing, especially when they learn that Yuebei was unconciously trying her best to look like Macaque's baby with the limited genetics available. Wukong has multiple centuries of love to dish out, and Macaque is catching up fast.

[he def let Guanyin know before hand so that if things did go wrong they'd know the tapes/letters were there to give to his infant.]

Guanyin has a secret stash in the Southern Ocean of all the letters and tapes (and even some drawings of what she might have looked like) Wukong ever made for Yuebei, in case he wasn't able to give them to her in person. Yuebei ends up finding them when she's a moody teenager, mad at her baba for something stupid.

Pre-series; In absense of any other godparent... I bet Wukong would have trusted Yuebei with Guanyin if possible. The goddess would have gladly taken the infant had Wukong not survived the birth, though it would pain her for many centuries to come.

[but to make a good thing angsty, what if she also has "bad noises" that she associates with certain things...] + [...and what if she also isn't that trusting of macaque at first because she also only ever "heard" him when he was in the process of trying to hurt her baba and his friends] + [...luckily yuebei seems to warm up to him quickly when she sees him and Wukong being cuddly and reconciling.]

ooohhhh :(

Wukong walks in after letting Mac take care of Yuebei while he was out, only to come back to see both of them crying. Yuebei is doing this sort of furious wailing while Mac just looks defeated.

Macaque: "She hates me!!" Wukong, picks up Yuebei: "No she doesn't plum. She cries at eveything." Yuebei: *calms down at sound of Wukong's voice* Macaque: "No! She started crying when I tried talking to her! And when I tried soothing her it just got worse and worse and-!!" (*Wukong places a soft hand on Mac's cheek, quieting him*) Wukong: "She'll warm up to you. Just be patient." Macaque: *leans into Wukong's hand, still crying." Yuebei: *looks confused before slapping a fat little hand on Mac's face in mimicry of her baba. chirping with delight* Macaque: :')

Once the relationship between Wukong and Mac improves, so does the baby's reaction to Mac's voice (symbolism). She finally starts to associate the "bad" voice with her bama, and soon it's not a "bad voice" anymore. Though there probably is a weird bridge-point where Mac has to put on silly accents/voices when he baby-talks to Yuebei or else she'll get mad at him.

[c'mon Azure, if you're gonna hold a super strong baby that already doesn't like you the least you can do is try and keep her happy and preoccupied. he's got no one but himself to blame]

I can just imagine Azure is too preoccupied with his plans for the Celestial Realm (and plans for Wukong), and fails to notice Yuebei getting more and more fussy as he holds her (poorly). Her face contorts like she's constipated and slowly gets redder and redder with anger.

Yellowtusk immediately notices and warns Azure to let the cub down so she can at least crawl and inspect her new surroundings. Peng laughs at the thought of letting "the hatchling" decide the terms of her imprisonment.

Then Peng feels a tiny, but powerful, hand grab their wing feathers...

Yellowtusk leaves before the carnage reaches him.

In the show Donnie has been canonically confirmed to be autistic I believe and Mikey with ADHD. Did those prove to affect how they were treated or raised in any way? And aside from flopping on people does Donnie still have a bit of a aversion to touch and people who are exceptions? Or does he ignore any uncomfortable feeling he has about anything because he's been through worse and if so how do the turtles help him unlearn these negitive things?

Did Mikey's ADHD ever get him in trouble with big momma and in the battle nexus? I would ask more but I don't want to overload-

Donnie is still autistic, and Draxum did try to “train out” the behavior he didn’t consider warrior-like (God he’s such an asshole in this—and I LIKE canon Draxum 🤣 but I really am making him worse than Shredder at this point). He waited to start the really heavy experiments until Three was older, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t punish him harshly when he “acted foolish”. Draxum would grab and pull Three all the time, either by the arm or he’d use his vines to restrain him where he wanted him. So most of Donnie’s touch aversion here comes from being reminded of that. I am personally of the opinion that Donnie isn’t as so much touch averse in canon—He’s seen constantly touching his family and April and though sometimes he may have a slight grimmace, you can see that he eases into the hug and even initiates a lot of them. I think his hangups are more texture based and that he doesn’t like being caught off guard, which are still present here, and unfortunately, Draxum uses against him in ways we’ll find out. But Donnie does appreciate that his brothers and Splinter give him the option of saying no. It gives him a sense of control over the situation and he finds accepting and initiating contact easy and comforting more often than not, unless it’s a real bad day.

Big Mama was very doting on Mikey, and spoiled him rotten. She got him the best tutors for his education, but Mikey drove almost all of them into quitting except for his martial arts, and art tutors. As a result Mikey has more of a classical art style, and Big Mama puts his paintings all over the lobby of her hotel. But Big Mama is fickle, and after so many years she grows bored enough with him, and sees how strong he’s gotten, that she can’t pass up the opportunity of dropping him into the Nexus. She still gives him treats for his wins, but it’s framed more like prizes to her champion than gifts for her child. Still, Mikey sees them as gifts for doing well, and imagines one day when he wins enough fights, she’ll let him out.

It isn’t until after he’s rescued that he reads up on art therapy, and tries to get back into art. Sadly he finds he doesn’t have the taste for it anymore which devastates him and causes a bout of intense depression…until April suggests that he try a whole new style, something his tutor never covered, and takes him on a tour of the city to see all the coolest street art. In days he’s got most of the lair covered in graffiti.

Mikey does have ADHD, in fact most of his scars come from times where he got distracted in the ring. At night in the barracks he tries to pull from happy memories and beneath the good times spent with Big Mama there’s something else he can’t quite grab hold of, but it comforts him enough for him to keep fighting. On the other hand, Leo remembers almost nothing from Shredder warping his memories so much.

Lastly, Shredder was a harsh taskmaster, very manipulative and told Leo lie after lie to get him to hate Splinter. Leo trained from before sunrise to after sunset, and didn’t talk to many people outside of Shredder’s inner circle of commanders. He was taught a wide range of studies, including war strategy, weaponry, and languages. Shredder was never really…cruel, without reason like Draxum, but if he ever felt Leo was lacking in training or not following his commands to the letter, he would show no mercy. Leo is treated with a lot of respect from most of the foot recruits. Of course some of the older commanders (🤐) aren’t too happy when a literal child is given such a high position of power, but they would never argue with the Shredder.

If you have any more questions please check out the Separated AU tag and my pinned post! I might’ve already answered it!

@lockoutkey @nyxthedragon225, @froggiethelesbian

Hi, I am very interested in being a flight attendent and I've seen your post about the positives, but do you have any negitives?

Oh, loads. You will never sleep. I mean never. My first year i think i averaged 4 hours a night and that was a good night. You will get sick a lot. You're coming into contact with tons of new germs everyday, you're in 3 different climates a day, the plane's dehydrated air will mess with you, plus as previously stated you're not getting enough sleep. You'll be spending so much money on food. More than you expect. And mostly on airport or hotel restaurant food, which is already more expensive. And if you're commuting like i did, expect to also spend a lot of money on hotels. Actually if you're planning to commute (which is 100% doable, i did it for my first 1.5 years, and i know people who do it their whole lives) then expect to blow at least $200 a month on commuting costs (hotels, rental cars, more food etc)--probably more if you have a crashpad. The airlines will tell you not to expect to make a lot of money, and if you're coming from minimum wage, toeing the poverty line like i was, then you'll probably laugh them off. This is the highest paying job I've ever had. But it also costs a lot of money, especially that first year before you get the hang of things. The clothes you wear for your interview, the clothes you wear to groundschool, transportation to and from your airport, food that lasts you through your reserve period (which can mean up to 6 days away from home if you're commuting, and 6 days of airport food adds up fast), all of that costs money. It took me about 6 months to really level out so i wasn't hemorrhaging my paycheck just trying to feed myself and get to/from work. And that's another thing: this job will take over your life. That first year at least there will be no such thing as work/life balance. You will eat, sleep and breathe airports and hotels. What little time you are home will be spent in a cloud of exhaustion and doing laundry, and then you'll hit the skies again. You will miss out on things. You will miss birthdays, holidays, anniversaries. My friend missed the christening of her goddaughter. I know several who have missed seeing their kids walk, say their first words, grow up. Again, after a while, you start to get the hang of things. You learn how to work the system and get the days you want off. You gain more control over your schedule. But this job has a high turn around rate for a reason. A lot of people realize within the first 2 years that it's not for them. The airlines, of course, are the biggest problem. They ask too much and give too little. I love flight crew culture, which really did give me support and help when i needed it. I can't tell you how many flight attendants have upgraded me without a word, or how many gate agents got me on the last flight home so i wouldn't have to sleep in the airport, or how many pilots gave up their passenger seat and took the jumpseat so i could get on the flight. But the airlines themselves care about one thing only--making money--and they will try to convince you otherwise, but that's the truth. You'll be a cog in a machine that cares very little for people, and that will be the worst part. Make sure you study up on them, because not every airline is equal and you really don't want to get trapped in a company that will treat you like dirt.

oh i’m the anon who sent the taes gf thing...i’m you didn’t mean it like that and i totally agree with you that their personal life is their life and we don’t need to know ab it and they don’t owe us that. i was just responding to ‘taes d**** is showing alot’ and kinda meant it in a joking manner. sorry for the misunderstanding

Its fine! I’ve just recently been thinking that like- a step to trying to make the boys more comfortable is to take the “omg who are they dating” or any mention of their personal lives- out of our conversations as fans.

of course people are always going to have their opinions, but at the end of the day it being a topic of conversation is even enough to affect their personal relationships. I mean look at jk and one of his friends last year- he just hugged her and regardless of how many people where like “lol what if she was his girlfriend- I’d simp for her too!” She still eventually deleted her social media acounts and Jungkook was still upset over it and cried over it in bonvoyage.

There is absolutely no way- shape, or form that these conversations both positive and negitive Dosent effect how they view us as fans. the only way to deal with this topic and make it not damage bts’s relationship with army is to completely take it out of conversation.

even if you are supportive, putting your two cents in is still breaching a boundary they’ve clearly made with us, they’ve shown they want to keep their private lives like their friends and their personal relationships private and we need to respect that.

If bts come out About friendships or relationships, or even if someone thinks they spot a fucking hickey on a fucking photo. I don’t want to hear about it, not on my dashboard or on twitter, or in the replies on one of my posts. It’s not our place to have opinions about their personal lives. Especially if this info is not from the boys themselves but from news sites or the twitter rumor mill (I swear it can get worse than highschool). And if they come to us with it on their own we should just say “good for you” and move on.

TLDR: not mad at you. Just my opinion that we shouldn’t talk about bts’s personal lives even if it’s in a positive way because it’s none of our buisness. And I implore other armies to make the same choice for bts.

Stucky fic!

Pre-war StevexBucky sickfic

You can read on Ao3 here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23957554

summery: Unlicked Cub- (Noun)- A loutish youth who has never been taught manners; from the tradition that a bear’s cub, when brought into the world, has no shape or symmetry until its mother licks it into form with her tongue; ill-trained, uncouth, and rude.Bucky has no idea how he is keeping his best friend alive.

Bucky knew the moment he woke up that day that Steve was sick. Call it what you want, intuition, reasoning, a superpower. Or maybe he could telepathically communicate with the idiot he's befriended. For some reason. He just knew that he should be getting his ass out of bed and out the door in three minutes or less, because his tiny angry best friend was about to get very close to death.

So he was surprised to find that his friend was fairly chipper when he opened the door to the closet of an apartment his friend saved up for with Bucky’s mom. Steve never really felt good , but he didn’t look bad either. It was very hard to make Steve Rogers look bad, he just had one of those faces. He was sweeping the floor, something that needed to be done since winter had started and the soot had filled the room from the tiny stove they’d bought last year. Bucky leaned against the doorframe, crossing his arms and ankles as he watched his friend work.

It was rare that Steve ever felt good enough to even get up from the bed, let alone have been awake and doing housework for a while. Steve propped the broom up in the corner and walked from there to the window, under which they kept the wood that Bucky'd chopped that fall. He didn’t step in uptil he saw Steve almost topple over from trying to pick it up on his own.

“You’re ‘bout to fall flat punk,” Bucky said, walking behind him. Steve jumped, dropping the wood about a inch away from his foot, making Bucky wince. “Geeze, you actually have a death wish, huh?”

“Bu- what ‘er yah doing here?” Steve asked. Bucky smiled. Even when he’s healthy his hearings pretty bad. Most of the time he couldn’t hear Bucky unless he practically shouted in his ear. Even now he undoubtedly couldn’t hear him walk in just now.

“Jus’ decided to show up an’ give ya a heart attack,” Bucky said, taking three logs over to the stove and propping one in quickly, before turning back to his best friend. “You okay?”

Steve scowled at him, crossing his stick thin arms. Bucky smiled, looking down and bumping his shoulder. Bucky’d gotten even taller in the last three months, and Steve decidedly hadn’t. He wasn’t even up to Bucky's shoulder anymore, and he was salty about it. “ course ‘m okay. Why don’t you think that?” Steve asked.

“I donno, just a hunch,” Bucky said. Steve shook his head.

“I wanna go for a walk today,” Steve said, looking outside. It was a cold day, the kind where the air felt like it was cutting you, and the sky looked like shimmery glass. “You wanna come?”

“Go for a walk? Are you insane? Stevie it’s like, negitive fuck’n twenty out there.” Bucky said. Steve just shrugged. “I can wear my wool sweater.”

“The one that you threatened to cut into pieces last week because it made your skin itch so bad you thought you’d explode.” Bucky asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Please? I haven't been allowed out for months. If I don’t get out with you, I’m sneaking out this window. I swear it Buck.” Steve said, scowling up. Bucky sighed.

“Fine. but if I see yah doin’ anything like the fair incident last month I’m marching yah straight back, you understand.” He said, placing a hand on Steve's boney shoulder. Steve pumped a fist, smiling.

“I’ll be well behaved Buck,” Steve said. “Yah know me,”

0o0o0o

Bucky couldn’t believe it. Or rather, he could believe it, but he really didn’t want to. He had turned away for a grand total of maybe three minutes to go back and grab a coat, and Steve was gone. He sighed, folding Steve’s coat over his arm, and climbed up onto a rail, trying to see Steve’s head from the depth of the crowd.

He couldn’t see his blonde friend, and he was about ready to start checking nearby allies, when he heard a commotion near the river. Craning his neck he could see almost forty people gathered around it, some of them yelling, some silend, and a few seemed to be trying to reach something inside. Shaking his head, he followed the crowd. If there was a protest Steve would be there.

“What’s going on?” He asked when he got close enough. The gentleman to his left, wearing what was clearly a repurposed flour sack, shook his head.

“Er, little boy,” The man said, shaking his head. “Very small. He jumped a moment ago. After a young child.” He had a heavy accent that Bucky couldn’t place. “Is sad, two will die this winter now.”

“The kid who jumped after him, what did he look like?” Bucky asked, standing on his toes to see if he saw Steve’s head anywhere.

“Eh, very small. Yes, maybe twelve, thirteen. He did not look healthy.” the man said. “Blond. Why, do you know him?”

“Thank you sir,” Bucky said, before slipping past him to walk up in front of the group of people. By the time he got there, a young girl, maybe five, was coughing up water on the side of the street while her parents hugged her. Steve bobbed in the water next to them.

“Steven,” He said. Steve jerked his head up at that, fixing him with his intense blue stair. He didn’t even have the manners to look sheepish.

“He-ey Buck.” Steve said. Bucky wrapped a hand around his skinny arm and yanked him out of the water, starting the trek back before Steve could protest. Steve’s frail body jerked up, and Bucky almost drew his hand away in surprise. There was zero warmth in his entire body. Bucky was pretty sure his dead father was warmer under the earth. “You found the jacket.”

O0o0o0o

As Bucky suspected, within four days, Steve was sick as a dog. Despite Bucky's best efforts to try and keep him warm, the punk just couldn’t retain body heat. He’d dragged the limp mattress just under the window, hoping the weak sunlight may help warm him up. Before he used to put the ‘bed’ by the stove, but after Steve had accidentally gotten second degree burns after rolling over in his sleep, he’d decided against doing so again.

Bucky only left this last night because he needed to make sure his own Ma was okay. He’d felt bad leaving her with his last sister, but she’d assured him that her and Barbra were fine, and to make sure Steve was alright. She’d known Steve about as long as Bucky had been alive, and she would rather make sure he was okay then let Bucky braid her daughters hair.

“Stevie?” He asked, swinging around the doorway. Steve didn’t move. He took his hat off the peg, tossing it at Steve’s sleeping figure. Steve still didn’t move, aside from shivering slightly. “Steve?”

Steve’s lack of movement was starting to scare him. Bucky walked across the small apartment in five efficient strides. He kneeled down beside his friend, pressing his hand on Steve’s bony shoulder. Steve shuttered, sleepily turning into his light grasp. Bucky cursed sourly enough to make his Ma cuff his ears.

Steve was burning up, his hair sticking up all over the place. Surprisingly, his skin was dry, probably a sign that his fever had yet to break. He pressed down, turning his friend to look at his face. “Stevie?”

Steve didn’t wake up, just shivering in response. Bucky was actually starting to get really worried at this point. He picked the little jerk up, about a foot, and slammed him back into the matrice, wincing when a cough wracked the thin body. Steve finally sat up, leaning far forward as he continued hacking. Bucky always hated waking him up that way, he’d had to do it many more times then he’d liked.

“You with me punk?” He asked. Steve nodded, his coughing not stopping. Bucky sat there, rubbing his back while he wheezed. Steve leaned into him, finally catching his breath enough to talk.

“Heb, Bubk… bhy are you… hebe?” Steve asked, sounding stuffed up.

“Come on asshole, let's get you upright,” Bucky said, grabbing onto his twig arms and pulling him upright. He kept a tight hold while Steve swayed, clearly light headed. Despite his grip, Steve pitched forward, resting his head on Steve’s chest.

“Thanks,” Steve said, already sounding less congested. Still, his breath rattled in his ribcage and Bucky was holding up almost all of his, rather unimpressive, 87 pounds. He coughed again, dry and weak, and Bucky felt his face contort.

“Stop trying to talk you minikin,” Bucky said, rubbing his hand up and down Steve’s back. Steve shivered again, and pressed closer, presumably for body heat. Yeah, that’s what that was for.

“‘M not a minikin,” Steve said. “Jerkface.”

“Punk,” He replied. He didn’t see, but rather felt Steve smile into his shirt.

“Sneaksby,” Steve muttered.

“Rascal,” Bucky contorted, hiking Steve up a little to take on more of his body weight.

“Shabberoon,” Steve said. Bucky faked a gasp.

“Why you take that back. I dress better than the both of us combined,” Bucky said. Steve laughed weakly, leading to more coughing.

“‘An I lie down ag’n?” Steve asked. He seemed pretty damn tired, almost falling over when Bucky loosened his grip.

“Tell ya what, why not we both sit down, alright?” Bucky asked. Steve nodded and Bucky slowly lowered the two of them onto the matrise. Steve snatched the thin blanket that had been thrown off him earlier and curled around it. Bucky kept his arm firmly around him still, trying to keep him as still as he could.

“Yah know,” Steve said, clearing his throat. “ ‘M glad ‘m sick.” He said, leaning closer to Bucky and shivering again. Bucky tightened his arm around him, wishing he had something more to help his friend, other than insults and hugs.

“Glad you’re- Steve, you barely made it out of the last cold you had! Why the fuck would you- what are you shaking your head for rascle?”

“ ‘cuz now I know the girls aight.” Steve said, wrapping himself around Bucky again. Bucky swore, before hugging him tighter.

“You know you’re gonna be the death of you, right nimrode?” Bucky asked.

“Wouldn’t ‘av it any oth’r way.”

0o0o0o0o

Steve did eventually doze off, only to wake up sicker and decidedly less coherent. “ ‘ucky” He muttered, tucking his head under Bucky's chin. He laughed a little in spite of himself, rubbing his friends back.

“Hey, you get some sleep?” He asked. Steve just groaned.

“ ‘ow long wazz I ou’?” He asked. Bucky could barely understand him.

“Maybe ‘n hour or so,” He said, petting Steve's head. “You still feel really hot Stevie.”

“Oh, yah ‘ink ‘m hot?” Steve asked, laughing at his own joke, which quickly turned into coughing. Bucky sat up, propping Steve so he was leaning on his chest.

“Come on scamp, breathe with me, you know the drill,” Bucky said, pressing Steve's bony hand to his chest. Steve tried to take a shuddering breath, and half succeeded, before doubling over himself. Bucky would never admit it to anyone, but seeing Steve cough like this scared him. Really really scared him. Part of him wished he could run away, not have to deal with any of it. But then he wouldn’t get to deal with any of it.

See his problem?

“That’s right, you got it,” Bucky said, rubbing Steves back. Steve still shook under his hands, and his breath was wheezy and halting, but he could breathe again. “Nice and steady.”

“I been… breathing sense I was… born Buck I think… I got it down…” Steve said, still out of breath.

“Well you prove that to me and maybe I’ll leave you alone, huh?” Bucky asked. Steve gave a half hearted chuckle, before turning to press his face into Bucky's shirt. He still sounded like he was fighting for every breath, but at least he could talk. “Would it be better to stand up?”

“No…” Steve wheezed. “To uh… to dizzy right now.”

“Alright,” Bucky said. Steve squirmed for a second, sitting so that he was fixing Bucky with his intense stare. It always made Bucky a little uncomfortable when Steve did that. It felt like he could see right through him.

“Can I ask… you a...question?” Steve asked, playing with Bucky's hand. Bucky raised an eyebrow.

“Sure, but if this is the thing about me killing you again then-”

“No! It’s… not that.” Steve said. He looked actually uncomfortable, something rare for someone as dense as Steve.

“Then fire away,” Bucky said.

“Okay… why do you… stay?” Steve rasped out. Bucky tilted his head, trying to figure out what he said.

“What do you mean?” He asked finally, sensing Steve wouldn’t be elaboration without any prompting.

“Here? Why do you stay… here? This can’t… be fun,” Steve said, shaking his head. Bucky bit his lip, looking at his best friend.

“Because you’re a hell of a good person. You help people, even if it means you’re gonna get screwed over, like yah did the other day, and you don’t ever let the fact that other’s got the upperhand stop yah. You get into stupid fights you can’t get out of and you don’t eva stop for some reason, and you’re my best friend!” Bucky said, finishing by wrapping an arm around Steve. “Now who made yah question it? Was it Robort Jordens again? I swear-”

“No no, don’t… worry about… it,” Steve said, leaning against him. “I’z nice to hear yah say that.”

“Well I’ma keep saying it. ‘Til the end of the line, remember punk?” Bucky asked. Steve grinned.

“ ‘Til the end of the line.”

I wanted to turn my Guild Wars 2 characters into tarot cards and I guess it’s done for the girls ! All three have their “pet” with them. Stories after the credits !

Credits :

Card frame : https://www.deviantart.com/fararden/art/Tarot-card-templates-124188817

Parchment : PNGTree

Grunge texture : PNGTree

Castles and trees : 123rf.com

Now story time !

Flora Cherryelixir is a shy and quiet nature lover charr. She grew up in an uncommon family. Both parents were iron legion soldiers who’ll became deeply disgusted by the war and fighting in overall, after the way how their warband friends died. They decided to simply fake their own death, searching for flame legion’s member sharing common physical traits with them, trapping and killing them before, and after few body details and armors added, leave them near the place they were supposed to go for a mission. Then they started a new life in Gendarran Fields, enjoying the freedom provided by the Lion’s Arch. They became peaceful farmers, teaching their two cubs how to live without useless fights and helping people in need, even strangers. Sadly, Flora and Luna became too naive and confident, unable to be enough suspicious. One day Luna met a couple who beg for help, she waved at her little sister and followed them. They’ll never saw her again but few months before, as her parents and friends still searched her, bones were found near what used to be a hideout. The little charm which was on the ground was hers. Devastated, her parents became really defiant, forbidding to Flora to continue trusting people like that.  Flora, who was very young at this time, grew up in that atmosphere as an easily scared and dreamy girl, spending all her time in her farm. Fascinated by human tales, she dreamed about meeting her “charming prince” one day. Her pet is a young river drake called Rosae. 

Izza born in a ruined and formerly influent family. Banned from Rata Sum for some political troubles when her and her brother were still kids, her parents became angry and spiteful, planning to use their kids as a revenge. Sadly for them, their oldest, Vanis, as he was supposed to join his college in Rata Sum, choose to live his old childhood dream for real and became the apprentice of a cook in Lion’s Arch. Years after he’s the owner of his first coffee shop- small restaurant overthere when his sister arrived without any letter or warning, telling him that their parents finally gave up and let her doing what she wanted to do. What Vanis ignored was that after a violent argument with them, her father trying to hit her as she refused to follow their plans, she used her magic to kill them. The young necromancer used their dead bodies and souls to create two minions which traveled with her. 

Alizea Ashford, only child of a wealthy couple, lived a pretty nice childhood until her parents were killed by centaurs. Traveling with her parent’s best friends as their adoptive “daughter” ( she never used their name, for them she was just their host ), she developped a strange gift :  seeing and communicating with dead people. As she didn’t seem to have any magical ability, people started to see that negitively and kids pretended to hear whispers, giggles or feeling something invisible touching them. Years after, she learned how to not care about their opinions and keep this contact with ghosts, seeing them as her family. As a vigil, she was send in Orr like many of her comrades and if the experience was hard,something caught her attention : a whispers member selling what seemed to be miniature risens. One of them seemed different, like if if somebody was in it. She bought it and it’s only when she’ll be back in the Keep that she entered in contact with what it appeared to be an old orrian spirit, trapped by accident in the mini. She called him Günther, as her knowledge of orrian wasn’t enough to understand him.

hi my name is trash goblin Lo and this is mai baby audrey. we stan.

•(more about the girl below)•

「 barbie ferreira. cisfemale. 」have you seen audrey asher-bogart around yet? i hear she decided to be in PEREGRINIS for their SOPHOMORE year as a FILM major. the 20 year old TIER 1 SHEPHERD is known to be sarcastic, witty, abrasive and blunt. 

○ born to a teenage mother in Boston, she started life on the rocky road. audrey never knew her father and her mother was only in her life for three short months. her mother passed from a previously unidentified heart condition very suddenly. with no one to take care of the child, her mothers family friend decided to foster her.  after marrying his boyfriend of 11 years, the two finally officially adopted her. she is their only child.

○ she has always felt her name was a bit of a mouthful. audrey usually shortens her hyphenated last name to just ashbo. 

○ audrey is that film kid. she tries to hide her pretentiousness but nowadays, she thinks that it’s better to just be herself. her little artsy fartsy self.

○  was bullied pretty harshly when she was a kid about her weight and it effected her very negitively for many years. she never had a full fledged eating disorder, but there were times it got dangerously close to that. after years of therapy and reevaluating her happiness, audrey has begun to love her body, realizing how her body is wonderful because its hers. she is a plus size queen for all she cares. 

○  if you have ever read Much Ado About Nothing, audrey is basically Beatrice. she’s sassy and she’s not afraid to use it on you. maybe she is a hopeless romantic, but no one is strong enough to get past the sarcasm wall to find out.

○  another reason her wall is so tall is that she has inherited her mothers heart condition. It makes her heart extremely weak and has many surgeries in her life. she has even had a pacemaker put in. because of this, her fathers have been a little over protective of her. they know how serious her condition is so they make her take larger breaks between shows then she’d like to. she was also home-schooled from eighth grade until graduation since going to the nurses every few hours was effecting her studies. shee knows she could have a heart attack at any time and that’d be the end of her. it scares the shit out of her.

○ since audrey has this death sentence hanging over her head, she has become more reckless these past few years. her thought is: ‘if I have a shorter life, then why not enjoy the fuck out of it?’ yes, she knows what she does (drinking, smoking, drugs) will shorten her life but hell, it’s already short. one day, though, the recklessness might really screw her up.

More is sure to come as I think of it, but this is the gist. Now for some:

Wanted Connections

the best friends ;; her partner in crime, the ying to her yang. the pair or more that are typically attached by the hip, consult each other, and couldn’t live without one another.

the honorary sibling ;; this person might as well be an Ashbo themselves. they know the family by heart, they’re invited to all family get togethers, and audrey is pretty sure her family likes them better than her

the joey to her chandler ;; these two are basically chandler bing and joey tribianni from friends. they’re always together, audrey being sarcastic and the other blissfully ignorant. it’s a match made in heaven.

the groupie ;; the friend that, no matter what, will be at every one of audrey’s films. they have been since the beginning of their friendship and doesn’t see that ending any time soon.

the frenemies ;; are they friends? do they hate each other? you’ll never know with these two.

the one? ;; these two flirt so much, they might as well just get it over with and date. however, many steps have to be taken to get there. are they willing to make those steps?

fwb ;; having a friend is good. having a friend who has sex with you is better. no strings attached.

onesided love ;; either audrey or this other person has feelings for the other, but the feelings aren’t quite reciprocated

classmates ;; simple: these two have a class or two in common

the fan ;; it can be known or not, this person just really appreciates and enjoys audrey’s work.

HMU for some plots!

~Lo

*IN THE FUTURE AU Bnha.*

Doctor: Well,Thanks to Retime-girl all of your injuries have been repaired to minor injuries. However You still have heavy bruising, slight metacarpal head fractures in your right hand, your left Tibia has mico cracks, and some water in the lungs. So you’ll be staying here for a few days so we can patch you up and get you back to a hundred percent.

Tsuyu: *Tsuyu Nods and sighs in relief.* I see That is a relief to hear. Kero.

Izuku: Thank you Doctor. Thank you Eri. *Izuku smiled.*

Eri: It’s what we do Deku, Froppy . *Eri smiled giving to thumbs up.* I’ll come back tomorrow and rewind your bones so you can move around.

Doctor: Hold on a sec, Deku. You’ll have to rest too. You were in the water holding up a sinking cruise ship for 35 minutes with a twenty minute supply of air. I know you are strong and you have the ability to enhance you powers more since your quirks evolution but your body is still susceptible to the cold, lack of oxygen, and excessive lifting.

Izuku: Maybe so, but Ts-Froppy’s takes priority. She was the one who majored to save the people. *Izuku said as she sat next to his fiancee’s bed holding her hand.*

Tsuyu: Iz-... Deku. You held up the second largest shit in the world so I and rescue teams could save the passengers and crew. *Tsuyu told her worried fiance, patting his head.

Izuku: Y-Yeah but I wasn’t the one who also fought Sharks AND a Black serpent Nomu underwater. Which by the way it was brilliant thinking using that old anchor with you poison dart frog quirk to not only destroy the Nomu’s body, but to slow down its regeneration enough to allow the sharks eat’s its damaged head. Seriously it was Amazing! *Izuku pointed out before realizing he had started to rumble.*

Tsuyu: *Tsuyu Meanwhile find herself smiling at her love’s cute way of praising her before giving him a small frog cheek on the cheek.* This is true. But if you didn’t kick that wave of force at the Nomu, knocking it away from me when I was running out of air, and gave me your last air tank I wouldn’t have been able to do any of that.

Izuku: W-Well I only helped a little. *Izuku Blushed with a smile remember sharing his oxygen with his love by kissing her before giving her his mask.* Plus, you even managed to keep that little girl save. The one that was still trapped inside the ship After fighting the Nomu.

Tsuyu: Again because you held the keeping it from sinking and then set in on the coral reef so I could swim us out. No one else could do that. Kero.

Izuku: But you were so amazing!

Tsuyu: So were you.

Izuku: But you are the best!

Tsuyu: No you are.

Izuku: No you are.

Tsuyu: No you are.

Izuku: No you are.

Tsuyu: No you are kero. 

Doctor: Excuse me. *The two heroes stopped and turned their gazes to the doctor and a holding back a giggle Eri.* You two can discuss this later because now you both need to rest. So if you don’t mind Deku please return to your bed.

Izuku: Right. Yes doctor. *Izuku nodded as he stood up and lifted Tsuyu’s covers, the frog hero moving over a bit welcoming him.*

Doctor: I said your bed.

Tsuyu: Which he is getting into. His bed is my bed, he’s my personal bed heater. *Tsuyu said.*

Eri: Ooooooooooh.~<3 So cute.

Doctor: At your home, Fine whatever. Here though, he goes in his own bed. Plus you both need to stay warm and since you both had temp- *Before the doctor could continue the three watched Izuku take in a deep breath through his nose as his skin and hair begin to grow slight before exhaling small flames from his mouth as the grow fades.*

Tsuyu: There. Now my Izu am warmed up. Kero

Izuku: Now may I get some rest with the real number one hero and goddess of the waters?

Doctor: Sigh. Fine just don’t bump into her casts and no shagging. *He sighed as he walked now of the room leaving a Blushing Izuku, Tsuyu, and Eri.*

Izuku: W-We wouldn’t do that Eri. He is just messing around.

Tsuyu: At least not with this cast. *She added with a matter of fact tone causing her fiance to blush harder and the horned teen to quickly turn to the exit.*

Eri: Welllll, I should probably go too. Give you two your privacy and all. I have other patients after all. It’s great to see you both again. See you tomorrow. *Eri said give a wave as she made a quicker exit.*

Izuku: *Izuku then turned to her love and asked.* Tsu Why? 

Tsuyu: Because We have had a long day and I want to sleep with my future husband as he keeps me warm. *tsuyu stated before wrapping her tongue around Izku and pulling him into the bed, cuddling up to him rest her head in his chest.* So toasty Kero.

Izuku: Sigh, I am never going to win an argument thanks to you cuteness am I?

Tsuyu: Nope.

Izuku: Good to know... I’m glad you’re safe.

Tsuyu: Same to you. I love you. Kero.

Izuku: I love you too... kero.

Tsuyu: Sigh if my leg wasn’t busted and recovering I would have to disobey the Doctor’s intructions right now. Kero. *Tsuyu sighed with a smile as kissing Izuku rather heatedly, hating that she told him that she loves it when he croaks back.*

~Else where~

Chisaki Kai: *Dabi walks into a dark lab with a metal brief case as Overhaul now All is One looks at into a microscope.* Did you get it?

Dabi: Yeah I got it but we lost another Nomu. *The burnt man said setting down the brief case only for it to be quickly pulled over and opened by threats.* New quirk?

Chisaki: Yes. From the former third top pro hero. *He said as he picking up a vile of a clear orange-ish liquid.* And the Nomu was a small price to pay for this.

Dabi: Really? Because those things aren’t easy to make.

Chisaki: Trust me Dabi. With this The Nomu will be a thing of the pass. After all, *His eyes light up a little as he looked at the hundreds of tanks within the his lab.* Why bother enhancing humans when you can engineer something so much better.

*Real quick Izuku’s new quirk is One for All combined with what I think his quirk would have been if he had one which is like his mothers telekinesis but stronger and can be stronger by charging it by breath in a certain way, like without the charge he could lift what he can physically lift, that causes his body heat to rise without harming him and the exhale to be fire though this would have caused him to have a dry sore throat. But in my AU it was rewaked and merged with One for All making it One is All. To which the telekinesis stops the negitive’s of one for all and added a few other bonuses.*

Okay, so, here comes an annoying post about me being annoyed

With the topic of Jenny and Kai

To start this off right, I want to begin with by saying this is not a hate post at all. In actuality I am an EXO-L, and particularly a huge fan of Kai/Nini despite this blog not representing that. I have a lot of respect for him as a person first and foremost, as well as in his career as an idol. Although my respect isn't reflected with Jennie personally, as I deliberately refused to hop on the Blackpink bandwagon for the sake of preserving an original opinion after a few years of watching over their comebacks to make the decision of draining my life energy for another group, I still have respect for her as an idol. No matter what I will have at least a basic respect for the people choosing to enter this career, since we all know what that means longterm. Or at least most of us who have made the mistake(?) of spiraling into the darker side of this industry.

But at the risk of sounding pretentious or scaring people for no reason, returning to my original point, I don't know jack shit about Jennie. Well, beside basic surface level information or personality overviews from Weekly Idol or what have you. Again, all surface level. For now I am fine with that, she seems cool and honestly like a genuinely straightforward person in terms of setting up her goals. Or at least that's the picture I've crafted in my head after having listened to her on old G-Draon's tracks, as she was probably offered the oppertunity and had enough sense/drive to take it. So, okay, cool. She's cool, Jongin is Jongin and as a couple they are whatever.

Whatever being cool, cool being something I can go 'Oh?' at with raised eyebrows and move on with my damn life. Or as I failed to name it, basically sonething of minimal interest. Now, let's pause. So, I have no problem with this couple, so why the hell am I even bothering with this post? Well, that's because it's goddamn annoying to see all the 'I came here for JenKai' or otherwise judgmental comments on YouTube. To vent, why the hell can't people just be indifferent to things they have no knowledge over? Like, sure, you know one of the two and can say 'Well he/she is such and such trait, but I don't know about him/her', but why badmouth? This is my problem. This is what annoys me.

As far as I'm concerned at this point there's no point in judging these couples anymore, because again for the nth fucking time we do not actually know these people we dedicate our lives to. Sure, you can claim otherwise since we get years of interviews and yeaes of reality shows and years of behind the scenes videos and what the fuck ever, but let's be serious here. We aren't their friends, we aren't their family. What we get is what they chose to show. Of course most idols tend be genuine in terms of trying to show their honest personality or giving factual information, but at the end of the day it's just a video. One video, one clip, one moment in time that does not dictate their entire personality, struggle, interests, or life. That's something I often see people in this fandom forgetting and honestly at this stage of stanning cancel my subscription if we can't be logical about relationship reveals.

That's not to say most fans haven't been. In fact so far I've seen quite the opposite with mostly support, which is cool and something that I'm not use to but thank the gods for it. But there are still some you know what's here and there. They're really not that bothersome in terms of overall big picture whatever, since they are just words on my computer or phone I can click off of and will likely drown in a sea of support. Still, I just want to vent and ramble and maybe point out something that we all already knew for the sake of a friendly(-ish?) reminder. And for that to happen, I too will attempt honesty.

Being real, my first reaction was mostly worry and (negitively concentrated) confusion. Worry for fan reaction over actual puppy Nini. Confusion because how the hell did that happen and why would they get together? It took about half the day, but then I finally used my good sense to reroute my thoughts back to that very important fact. I don't know them. As people, or as a couple. I don't know their everday lives. I, nor you reading, have any right to judge if they are good for one another or not. No matter if opposites actually attract or similar people enter similar love, it is not up to me to decide for them based off what I think I know even if I do want them to be together. I have no right, nor actual authority to do so especially being just a fan. All in all, I am not in this relationship. Neither are you and this applies to you and every other fan out there.

So, basically that's just to say people enter relationships at their own will, as their own people most of the time with knowledge of who their partner is as a person, and it's never any of our business beyond the basic level of having an objevtive opinion that shouldn't affect them (*COUGH COUGH* sending hate messages or death threats *COUGH COUGH*) because we are lucky they even decide to share any of this shit with us. Does that make any sense? Don't know, don't care, I refuse to go reread and edit this just to sound nice. Why? Because I'm probably deleting this, as long as I don't forget. Why? Because I honestly just wanted to talk about how annoying it's going to be reading those 'Jennie get your man'/'Jennie's boyfriend this'/'Kai and Jenny that' and etc type comments over the next few months, but this ended up turning into a whole thing.

But yeah, I find that shit annoying. Mostly because it almost belittles idols, degrading them to only face value in a way because they are 'only' recognized for who they date. It is annoying with them and it was annoying with Bora and Feeldog. And I love these people too much to watch that. Though, of course, I know it is not done in offense. People just like couples and are excited love still exists in the world for their precious idols, I know. I get it. I just hate having to look at an idol and think of their current or past significant other. Feels like I'm doing them a disservice, espscially when they started out as just their original selves that I spent YEARS getting to know but suddently I don't feel like I know them anymore as just that. Their pure, individual selves.

I don't know. My bitch ass is dramatic like this and usually I would never speak on this because I want K-pop to just be good fun despite its dark secrets, questionable concepts, and unfavorable features, but sometimes certain shit just gets annoying. And then I feel the need to rant for months before ranting to non K-pop friends or making a whole post no one asked for. In any case, since we're enjoying a rare rant post specifically centered around couples in the industry, might as well give my opinion on the few funny thing that came out of this.

With the outing of Kai's newest relationship, I can finally say seeing my idols date doesn't feel weird anymore. Usually I would get weeks of a weird mourning type feeling, despite knowing and accepting I won't be with my idols romantically. Which, by the way, I actually prefer since I am gross thank you very much. But like, its just a feeling I usually have. Kind of mourning what can't be, kind of fearing how someone knows a part of them I don't. Yeah, I know it is gross and weird, but again to remibd you I spent years draining life energy just to feel like I 'know' and to feel 'close' to these people so logically its the emotional connection (and lowkey emotional dependence), which is why I always feel I can understand when fans say they get sad or cry once idols start marrying or whatever. But, thank the gods, lately said feelings have been coming and going quicker. I assume its due to most of my idols getting older now and my actually wanting them to find love and create their happy ever afters if possible, especially with most of them wanting to get married and actually wanting kids unlike myself.

Like recently, recently for me being years ago sorry, with both UKISS's Dongwo and Eli having to marry in secret and revealing their sons to the world helped really set those new type of support feels in place for me. Going back and knowing who wants what, I now want themselve to achieve these things. Be it love, a family, or simply something new and/or outside of their idol career (quick cringey magical support hwaiting to my not actual husband Bang Yongguk), I want for them to want these things and to continue wanting normal things. Why? Because they are, hopefully you guessed it, normal human beings. Outside of all the glits and glamour of being an idol, representing their home, and trying too damn hard for fans, they are just people.

As it always goes and as cheesy as it probably sounds by now, just people like you and me. People who want things and feel they need to achieve or have certain things to live a fulfilled life or feel accomplished in life before they die. So, yeah, there ya go. My support got some type of Pokemon upgrade ('Idol's Dreams' I chose you?) and I am annoyed because I can't stop my brain from being reminded of other people in the face of my idols. Rip individuality I guess, until that dies down. Anyway, back to your scrolling. I don't know why this ended being so long.

P.S.: As for the rest of those few funny things (1) I am still salty over the treatment and reaction of Baekhyun/Taehyeon and Kai/Krystal by fans (also dramatic and emotionally leave Krystal alone), (2) Hyuna/E'Dawn, despite being great and hopefully a love revolution that will be real I do think they also handled that situation poorly as far as business goes but I do love and support both in case anyone cared, (3) quick claps for the recent emotional growth of K-pop fans tbh as far as relstionships so far, and (4) for whatevet reason I wasn't expecting people to drag my girl Krystal into this. Usually I'm on top of my game with guessing and predicting, but bless her for the next few (hopefully just) weeks. Being the ex is always annoying as fuck.

Ok so real talk, explaining my characters is so hard.

Because like, I'm a discovery writer, so only my characters know whats going on with them, and they're all so fluid.

Like, lets take one of my favorite characters, Linen.

So when he's young, and I mean young, like 5 or 6, pretty much everyone he knows gets murdered. So obviously that has a bad effect on him emotionally. Top Teir repressor, lost faith in gods, but still has some in humanity. He gets taken in by a couple teenagers years later. He's around 11, and they're around 15 and 16. These teenagers are Damon (who later goes on to become a god, in a sense) and William (who eventually changes his name to Thane). This is in olden times (this world is bassically earth in every sense except technological advancements and name. They are also aware of certain parts of the magic), so they all know how to take care of themselves anyways. So Damon turns out to be very manipulative, even before his Ascension. He doesn't mean to, he just kind of lies without thinking about it. Its how he had to live. And William is way over dramatic about everything. These guys are his companions for years. During this time Linen makes it his goal to become a god in order to protect those that need it. And make sure other gods will never do what they did to him.

One day Damon Acsends, and grants William and Linen Limted Imortality (only killed in combat, its actually very common in this universe. ) and so the spend thousands of years together. Linen has grown, he is very aware of Damon's manipulations as is Thane (formally William). The three of them make a place where they grant imortality to all those broken enough to recive it. They become the first Clan (I might make an explination on how it all works later). At this point, Linen seems calm and collected on the surface, all the time. But in all reality he is anything but. He feels a need to be in control, but also fears what he might do if given the power. He feels rage, but he's also scares of what he'll do when he's angry. He feels sadness, but he fears what those he still holds dear will do if they see him in such a state.

Fast foward to (for all intents and purposes) modern day. Ty and Georgia join the Clan. Ty is an orphan, has seperation anxiety, and was just yoinked away from his new friends he bonded with. Georgia has an abusive father, and so is all fucked up. Georgia is the first person in forever to break him, to make him feel anything other than negitive emotions, and afterwards Ty shows Linen his first lick of friendship since Thane when they first met. Linen is happy, once more. He hadn't been in thousands of years, but finally these two helped him and accept other friends around him.

But Damon didn't like how close Linen was with Georgia. The way he saw it, she was weak and a distraction. He didn't mind Ty, he knew that Ty and Linen had to be close for his plan to work. They were two of the most powerful at his disposal after all. But Damon did everything he could to make Georgia's life hell. Until finally he sent her to war and got her killed. Linen snapped, he didn't know how to cope. He wasn't devolped enough last time something so so major happened in his life to be able to fully feel its impact. So he repressed it, and everything else with it. He became cold and cunning. He devolped a plan, to kill Damon, other gods, and destroy the world so that there was no more suffering.

So, Ty brings Linen (and a few friends) to his old friends. The whole gang is together, and the sucessfully kill Damon. (Thats good, Damon wanted only to control everything) finally Linen's plan is set into action, and he does it. He actually pulls off bringing all of creation to the brink of destruction. When he gained all this power, he also gained the ability to see basically ghosts (its complicated). Goergia and Damon were both there. He figures he's just gone insane from the power and destroys Damon. Not Georgia though, he can't bring himself to do it. Georgia, Ty, and friends talk him down from it. The conflict from all the various powers he's gained kicks in, and they reject. He throws any remaining inhabitants of the now desolte "earth" on various other planets.

Afterwards, he can still see through the realms and see Georgia. This is when Linen is most broken, but also in a way most healthy. He learns to show emotion and focuses on himself and what he needs, finding a way to bring Georgia back. He's finally learned to express emotion, and accept people, truly accept them, into his life.

I just spent an hour and a half typing that, how the fuck am I supposed to succintly explain that to someone who asks?

Crystal Fate

So this is my Frist time showing my writing on tumblr, I had written this for a friend @jaroffangurl the little song is her own lyrics 😍 hope you enjoy! (P.s tmt belongs to rightful owner)

~~~~~~~~~

It was routine his life and as such he had grown numb to it. Everyone of his responses were on autopilot, his body a motion of habit, the passion long forgotten his eye dulled no longer glowing like the stars he so favored. His spark lost in his responsibility....he Leonardo felt nothing more then a shell of his self ...

That is....

Till he slept

It started off simple enough he go for his rest like the rest of his family have. The ushal nightmarish exprents and yet again he found himself in one.

Looking at a river a blood as he was forced to drink his from the sickening lquid, feeling his body dieing from thist as if he collapse if he did not, he reched at each mothful nor stopping until his thrist was celnched only when he looked up to follow the river of death and horror. Leo's legs burning with each step as his eye frouces upon the sorce..

He scream,

His family was there each tore apart limb form limb his brother head on steaks, his beloved father hung upside down skinned alive still barely alive as his last drop of liquid life drained from him as his now torn eyes pin Leonardo down as he spoke one last breath

"You failaure"

Paralized, he...

He

Reched..his contents of stomach the blood of his family pouring out of him as if to tourcher him all over again his brother dismembered heads started to talk

"How could you"

"I trusted you"

"Sell out"

"Your a monster"

Each stabbed him in the heart as he wanted to die..that when it appeared

A dark tar soaked katana apread infront of him smelling like sin it's self.

All three bothers spoke

"Kill yourself, to rot in hell were you belong"

His shaken hand went to grab it painfully as his skin burned, his eyes spilling tears of lquid green. He was about to grab the cursed item a cystal wall grown from the ground itself, starting to surround him. It was made from rose quartz as the glimmering jewel form a barrair cutting him off from everything the stench, the sounds , his diced family, his death...

The cystals caged him but not it darkness but that of a soft glow. Leo did not know if he was still in hell, tourching him with fasle sanctuary.

"Have u ever seen a man's face when he wasn't saadddd~

When he wasn't holding back the grit of the past

Just tell me uve seen the smile he tries to hide from youuuu

Cause god knows he's tried

A feather flick of a lash

His eyes spark and colors clash

He's the man with no dreams

No hope

But when he glances at you he just scheme's

Have u ever seen a man's face bare no snear

And you come too close

It all becomes all to clear~~~~"

Tears covering his green stain faced he cried, the turth was sung out in such a hypnotic voice he shook as he felt it to his very core.

Who was singing this

Why were they here

Where were they

When was he going to wake up from this tourcher, frist his family and now a voice that sung what he was trying so desperately to hide!!

The cystal walls came down one by one as he now was crying in a field of Heliotrope's as foot steps could be heard in the plush grass.

"JUST KILL ME ALREADY!!"

"why" the velet voice spoke, he didn't look up

"BEACUSE I AM NOTHING!! I CANT GO ON LIKE!! MY FAMILY GONE I FAILED I AM A DISCRACE" he curled into a ball

A warmth on his shell

"You know that isn't ture Leonardo"

Finally finally he looked up. His broken blues with flooded pools of toxic green dripped. As her soften golden kissed forest green looked at him with what he thought he never see....

"Wh-

"My name is not important, what is *she cupped his face as he whipe away his tears with a brush of her thumb* important is you" pressing her soften lips to his forhead he felt a gush of wind as he closed his eyes to feel different..

Opening them he found him standing in his home his hand on her waist as she wore a pure white gown made of what seemed to be flowing gold. Golded hair pooled to her back as her rich skin held his face. As he watched her hand gestured out...

He saw it ....

Donnie was getting coffee looking half awake but tried to smile to him none the less with a small little wave.

Mikey was cooking flipping the pancakes ten feet high as he cought it on a plate showing off his skills as a chef of the family

*Shove*

Raph had pushed his shoulder "come on fearless breakfast is ready!" He gave his famous grin as he went to sit down his strut proud to be here.

Splinter was already drinking tea his eyes twinking with plans for his sons mutation day..as he loved his sons so

"You are so loved Leonardo, try not to forget that" his attention brought back to this what he was convise now was a goddess. She had saved him ...fr- "you always focus on such negitive thoughts you forget the positives in your life" looking back she now had wings that were made of Sakura tree flowing in the wind in full bloom growing from her back "I can not tell you to stop you ways, but I can tell you open your eyes" her cheery lips smiling to him. As her hands let go of him he cling to her.

"N-no don't go!"

Taking his massive hands in her own she blessed them with a press of her lips as his skin felt on fire ...

"I will be back, now *wings flapped once as her face was so close her lips brushed his as she spoke* wake up my chubbles" her whispered the last thing he heard as her eyes burned in his memories

Eyes shot open

As a slow Grin placed on his face

"Chubbles?" A partial laugh came from his lips as he looked to ciling..."I like it....."

"My Blossom"

You're good enough already

(Mark x lilsister!Reader)

Request: How about Mark's sister gets compared to Mark at school in negitive ways (ex. "You'll never be as good as your brother.") and she's so used to it she just accepts it. One day, Ethan decides to pick her up and he overhears the insults and he sees her response, "why do you keep telling me these things? I already know." Just, lots of angst.

Sometimes it was hard being the little sister of Mark. He was an awesome big brother and a great role model, but his fame sometimes made you feel like you were living in his shadow. You had never received any pressure from your family to be successful like Mark, but you felt it. People knew who you were and it was a weird thing, everyone thought they knew you because of small appearances on Mark’s channel. When you started school it was an odd time, constantly you went through people asking about Mark and what he was doing, “say Hi to him for me,”Hey (Y/N), can you get Mark to sign this for me.” It made you feel used and it sorta creeped you out, but you ignored it simply gave a shrug in response and said nothing. People saw it as rude behavior but you ignored them, you avoided telling Mark about any of it not wanting to make him feel bad for something he couldn’t control. But it was putting a toll on you, there was always a constant struggle of feeling like you weren’t as great as him. When the comments and bullying started it had hit the nail on the hammer, sealing your thoughts of negativity. A group of guys had begun harassing you, daily comments of “your brother is so much better than you,” and “you’re nothing like your brother.” It plagued your school days and left you heartbroken, but still, you didn’t tell Mark part of you felt it was true while the other part of you didn’t want more drama to come out of it. 

So you dealt with it simply giving them the shoulder and trying to walk away not letting it get to you. You’d come to terms with it being a daily thing. You hadn’t expected them that day to follow you to your waiting spot. You hoped that they left before one of the guys came to pick you up, but life doesn’t work out that way. 

Ethan pulled up to your usual waiting area and waited for you to arrive, he saw you talking to some guys and figured they were friends of yours. He pulled his window down to greet you, but he stopped himself once he heard some of the comments your “friends” were telling you. “Come on (Y/N) you actually think you’ll ever be as successful as your brother? You ignored them continuing to stare down at your phone. Ethan stayed silent and strained to hear your response. “I mean seriously you can’t even give a guy a simple answer!” One of the boys said, “like do you actually think people are ever going to like you?!” The guy continued and you shrugged and spoke: “does it matter?” They laughed at that, “listen why can’t you just leave me alone, I already know these things so just screw off,” you challenged and it made their smiles disappear. “Whatever you sa-” the boy started but Ethan stopped it. He had heard enough and with a loud honk of his horn, he got your attention. You quickly grabbed your bag and ran to the car ignoring the boys completely. You didn’t say a word to him just mumbled a quick hi and sat down on the passenger side. He would sneak many glances at you totally obvious, and you tried to avoid them pretending to be very interested in your phone. “Were those guys friends of yours?” He brought up the question. “No just some guys from some classes I have, they were asking me about some assignments and stuff,” you lied and avoided eye contact by continuing to look down at your phone. Ethan had to admit you were a pretty good liar, he wondered what else you were hiding. He dropped it and gave you your space, it seemed like something you needed time to calm down from. And he was going to tell Mark.

 "Mark I’ve got something to tell you,“ Ethan said as he walked into Mark’s recording room. Ethan expression held extreme urgency. "What’s up Ethan?” He asked taking off his headphones. “It’s about (Y/N)” he said, “she’s getting harassed at school” “Wait! What do you mean harassed” his voice raised and his expression immediately changed. “When I went to go pick her up I overheard some guys giving her a hard time about you being her brother,” “What?!” He exclaimed, “yeah they were saying stuff like you’re not as good as your brother, and she just took it she didn’t even try to defend herself!” Ethan told him. Mark stayed silent for a moment “I’ll talk to her, um thanks for letting me know,” he told Ethan. 

You had been hoping that Ethan hadn’t heard much of the exchange with the boys, but it seemed he had. You heard a knock on your door and grew worried it was Ethan trying to talk about what happened, but it was Mark which was way worse. He said nothing to you just had a really sultry look on his face, “um hey what’s up?” You spoke first. “Why didn’t you tell me about school?” He asked you quickly, you stayed silent. “(N/N) come on you know you can always talk to me” he continued. “Look it’s not a big deal it happens all the time I’m over it.” You stated and shrugged it off. He looked at you with the same sultry look and sighed. “If it’s not a big deal then why do you feel like they’re right?” He asked you. You just shrugged he had caught you there. “Bug, come on why does it bother you?” He asked you gently “I mean come on Mark it’s not like we don’t all know that I’m not going to be as great as you,” you shrugged and avoided his gaze at you. He didn’t know what to say, he was speechless.  ”(N/N), do you seriously think that?“ He asked after a short time of silence. You nodded, "babe you are capable of amazing things, don’t focus on what I’m doing I’m a goof you’re capable of amazing things!” He proclaimed. “Mark I’m not creative like you, I can’t speak like you, and I’m not vibrant like you.” “(Y/N) I promise you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever meet, you can do amazing things. Do you remember when we worked on a date with markiplier?” He asked you, you just responded with a nod “you helped with so many things, you figured out how to get those hard shots we needed, you helped us when we couldn’t figure out any substitutes for props, you were there to help when we couldn’t figure it out. When we started editing you helped us find some shortcuts for our coding and our editing, you saved us so much time. Many kids your age don’t know the things you know. We couldn’t have done it without you, (N/N) you helped us, without you those videos wouldn’t have been amazing. You aren’t living in my shadow you’re standing right next to me doing both equally amazing things.” He gave an entire speech, tears rolled down his face matching yours. You hugged him and sobbed into his shirt he hugged back. “I’m sorry,” you mumbled out “Hey kid don’t be sorry, don’t listen to those jerks I promise you, you’re going to be way better than me. Don’t you see all these comments from fans, they’re always saying you and Amy are better anyway.” He joked out and you laughed a dry laugh. “Thanks Mark, you said and he smiled at your somewhat lighter mood. “Love you shortie,” he answered and kissed your head as he pulled you into another hug. “Woah, who you calling shortie huh?” You sassed in return dramatically pulling away from the hug. His smile widened and he laughed.

Mark would deal with the bullies soon, but right now he needed you to know how important and amazing you were.

@avidlebon i uh. Tangled maybe? Ive seen the movie not the new show. Dads... Got the mindset of hes the man of the house. His way or the highway he knows best. Hes not a bad guy I'm just... So fed up with how he talks and behaves and his "hes in charge" attitude. I'm... Tired of feeling disrespected that nothing i do or care about matters my opinions are *wrong* like dude maybe I dont have all the info but im tired of your holier than thou attitude. And yeah its little shit like things only go where he says they go and he throughs a fit like a CHILD if things are out of place i realize its not my house but when him and mom disagree mom basically sucks it up and doesnt argue she just does what she wants around him which just adds drama later or like. He gets to be loud. Or vent. Or bitch. Or make HORRIBLE remarks and insinuations like i dont care if im being a smart ass bitch from hell (even discounting that any more if Im back talking its because HE FUCKING STARTED IT) you do not get to say i need to watch my damn tone or youre going to knock my teeth down my throat Like no. You havent really touched me or beat me but that doesnt mean saying shit like thats okay and i swear tk god he ever grabs me by the shirt front to get in my face EVER again NO MATTER the provocation or how legit he thinks his reason is I'm WALKING to Virginia. And for the love of god I mean you dont get to tell me to watch MY attitude watch MY tone and act and behave like THAT i SWEAR I'm getting SO CLOSE to just saying "either keep a civil tone or shut up" because damn it I dont care if hes paying the bills or that its his house Im SICK of how he gets to be an asshole one sec and then we all sit around and talk about something light or watch shows like nothing happened because nothing did. I dont care that hes BETTER my tolerance and acceptance has a lower base line for this shit. Like if nothing else I got out of going to see a shrink is knowing that I'm an adult and a person deserving of space and consideration - that even if I wasnt an adult I SHOULDNT have to put up with this behavior if it upsets me. and you know if he wants to play the "you know where the door is" card... Ive left before. It was because of my issues not because of him but... By acknowldging and attempting to deal with my shit... NOT responsible for dealing with HIS shit. He needs to control his temper. Im not saying hes not allowed to be angry in his own god blessed house im saying how he expresses it amd how he makes it our problem how discussions are a MANDITORY sham how disrespectful he is of our time... When i work or have appointments they need to be on the calender the sooner the better. But weekend with nothing scheduled comes up we have plans. Plans that when I ask I get youll see. Or we're doing cleaning. Cleaning what? Vacuuming laundry? Anything I can do and work around? No dont do things until i tell you. Or i wake up and I wanted to go to a cat cafe. Or job hunting. And suddenly we're going grocery shopping and sense we're out lets stop here here and here or hey i need to talk to you when youre done talking to your friend. ... Um my one friend (he doesnt count online people) that i talk to? That i MAYBE can talk to once a month? That if i get on the phone with were prob spending the rest of the night bsing? I'm not going to be done so if you want to talk tell me that and well talk and ill call my friend back after. Dont get fucking huffy like im prioritizing them over you when i hardly talk to them, and you HAVE to notice how freaked i get when you ambush me with talks. and like. Tuck in your shirt. Do something with your hair. You look un professional i wouldn't hire you. Or you know i have somewhere to be and you stop me on.my way out the door? I dont care if YOU dont think i need to leave an hour early. why the fuck would you think thats okay? And just this whole "walk it off pussy, people and their fragile fucking egos" like hello. Daughter youre talking to? The one who has to "walk off" the panic attacks facing YOUR attitude gives me however unintentional to walk around and smile and keep the conversation light? Who has to respond to everything you say and navigate the conversation like a fucking pro to avoid things I cant stand talking about with you because it makes it worse? The person who HAS to compulsively fixate on EVERYONES tone and attitude and when feels over whelmed hides in the bathroom trying not to cry and yet has STILL managed to fucking work cashier jobs most of her working life? Yeah standing right here asshole. YOU dont get to tell anyone how much is too much for them to handle, you dont get to caat shame on "my generation" and therefore ME when on what I can or cannot handle. You dont get to fucking decided whats too much for me to handle or how far I have to push myself to be worthy i have PROVED myself to your standards, been homeless and emotionally wrecked contemplated suicide NOT because im a "coward" but because being ALIVE has at times caused myself and those i care about more pain than i could POSSIBLY have value. I worked my ass off alone, did things the "hard way" thinking itd prove something to me or to you and Not one god damn thing changed and you know what? It WAS too much to handle alone - i pushed myself so far outside being okay that the ONLY god blessed reason I AM alive is that my best friend who you think so LITTLE of was there and so was her mom and hell Ive been to therapy. Ive struggled and come so far and i am NOT going to let you make me feel like nothing. I can feel valuless all by myself, can feel like shit all by myself, have enough of my OWN negitivity to carry I REFUSE to carry yours. And i DONT have to. I DONT. NO ONE DOES. Even if putting up with it means another day with a roof and food even if there was NO way of me surviving on my own that doesnt mean i deserve to be treated this way. And im lucky because i have other people in my life willing to help if i call. So i can afford to be upset.... Even if it makes me feel guilty. Even if i feel unreasonable. I may not be able to sit down and tell him he needs to learn to respect others - or at least me and mom that his behavior is unexceptable to me... But its freeing in a way to know i dont. That im allowed to be mad at him for it. I didn't mean to rant. Apparently just needed it. Sorry.

(( local messes try to talk about feelings - what happens next will shock you!

tagging: @d20s @9racles @lovwe

context: kan’s been feeling a little (lottle) rotten, sol tried to approach him about it, kan tried to explain and ended up worrying sol more. instead of talking online, kan decided to invite sol over and asked felide to mediate, because kan didn’t feel he could tackle it properly on his own.

begin log:

Sol - Today at 8:44 PM You weren't ready for a Talk ™. Actually  you were even sure you did something that was significantly #wrong seeing as Kankrii needed to have someone mediate the Talk ™, and when you get to where you're going no song reference intended you hug yourself a little to try and contain that nervousness.

Felide - Today at 8:50 PM You are, decisively, not prepared for this. You had wanted Kan to have more time to think, strategize, and formulate his thoughts, figure out his feelings... but sometimes things don't shake out that way. There's a sound from the transportalizer as you tie off your braid, tossing it back over your shoulder as you head into the main room. A place to sit... The table ought to do? That way you can all see each other. You look for Kan, trying to decipher whether he'll be the first to greet his visitor.

Kan - Today at 8:53 PM You were, in fact, the first to meet Sol at the pad. Your face remained at a calm to smile at him a little, but the distress was clear in your eyes and hands as they fidgeted with things. Yes, you did want more time to think on it, but you didn't want your display of feelings to seem forced while figuring things out. You were never good at that, really. Not on your own personal matters anyways. "Hello darling. Let's sit on the couch to chat." You motioned to the seating area, looking over then at Felide With A Faulter to your smile.

Sol - Today at 8:58 PM Nod and chew on the inside of your cheek.  You were totally in trouble, you were right, you fucked up and everything was going to crash down around you and you hadn't even really been able to get started. Your choice of gait is shuffling, which admittedly is also your main choice for movement at any given time, but you feet feel heavier and you stop a second once at the couch to contemplate bolting. @ Brain, bad post op. Instead just perch yourself on the couch, and glance at Felide with a legit D: on your face.

Felide - Today at 9:21 PM Okay. Couch is good. Couch is great, actually! You give them both the most reassuring smile you can. As you get closer, your awareness of their presence becomes a little... muted. Especially Sol. The crackle of electricity you used to hear when he emoted is more like a fizzle now, and in both of them you can practically "see" the dampening effect this tension is taking, by way of this sixth sense you've always had. You try not to add to the tension when you join them, opting to kneel on the floor in front of them. Nice, comfortable... out of the way. This is between them. "So let's settle one thing first. Neither of you -" You look at both of them in turn "- are in trouble. We're fine. Everything's fine. We're just here to talk about feelings... that's all. And if we leave here with no change at all in your relationship status, that will be okay. We're just here to talk, not make or break anything." Soft, confident smile. This will be fine! Everything will be fine.

Kan - Today at 9:25 PM Everyone settles in and you finally sit on the couch beside Sol. You hear Felide out and give a small nod and smile to her. You then turn to look at Sol and rest a hand over his, your smile held. "That's right. We're just here to talk, alright? And not just about my feelings. I want you to feel comfortable enough to express your own as well, Sol." You smooth your tumb over his knuckles then look back to Felide. "Alright....hah. How should I start this....?"

Felide - Today at 9:28 PM "Start with how you feel. How you feel," you emphasize, "not what you're afraid others might feel."

Sol - Today at 9:37 PM You fight with your brain. It's visible on your face even in a slightly vacant look while you argue with your paranoia and own negitive judgement of yourself against what Felide said, beating yourself up more and more until Kankri cuts through it with a hand on yours. Making you even jerk a little out of your thoughts, again looking like you were here. His touch, enough to make you look even minutely more relaxed. You nod.

Kan - Today at 9:57 PM It takes you a long moment. You sit in silence feeling the strain on your voice to just SAY what you needed to say. You should be able to do this. This was your pale interest and you needed to beat this. You swallow dryly, looking down then to your lap. "I...recently I'vee been battling with himself. Over our set up as potential mates. I feel there's a lot of potential here and I want to make this work. But as I mentioned before, The situation with Crona currently I feel is really dragging us down in terms of our own growth...I'm NOT blaming Crona for this. I know he can't help the things happening to him and in all he NEEDS someone to be there for him. But you doing so in a pale manner is. Straining me more than I initially thought it would." Your hands grip tightly in a fist, the nervousness obvious in your tone. "I need a full time moirail. Because of the issues I have. Issues you've yet to even learn about. Because we never have that cahnce to discover one another with...everything that's been going on with Crona. And I fear it's never going to feel whole and steady if it continues this way. I know you and Crona have a things set up a certain way, and I'd never turn a nose up to you both, or anyone, for doing so. I myself have mixed partners." You look to Felide then, but sigh. "But I told Felide that I need a monogamous partner in pale...to avoid this exact scenerio..."

Sol - Today at 10:27 PM You don't know if you can even touch him, does he want you to? Does he want you to reach out and tuck his hair, or brush your fingers under his chin, or kiss his frehead but you want to. You need to. You gotta. You reach out to and then freeze. "I want to.." That's it that's all you  have for a good few seconds before you bit your lip, your hand is still frozen there even as you talk because of the disconnect from yoru brain. "He needs someone.." Yeah Kankri said that right "I want him to.." Why can't you finish anything? "I don't know that I'm doing it, I just do. I don't notice it. I didn't know? He doesn't have someone who wants to see him grow yet. We're growing together." It's painfully obvious that you think too much and it is also painfully obvious that you don't know what you're doing.

Felide - Today at 10:37 PM Your heart hurts. It hurts a lot... yet you can see the potential you spotted in them from the very start. It hurts to know you can't help more than you are... but it strengthens you to know that Kan and Sol have already done incredible things for each other. You keep your speech slow when you speak, trying to keep the air calm and relaxed. As much as you can with these things, anyway. "The reality is that relationships unbound from quadrants can do a lot of things." You give Sol a little smile. "With communication between partners, it can become anything you need or want. And people change, over time... So do their needs, and those relationships can change with them. Personally, I find it freeing. The trick is to then establish your own "rules" and dynamics between you, so you don't wind up feeling lost. Which... sounds like a talk you'll need to have with Crona. Both of you, possibly." You sit back on your heels. "Part of the reason I urged Kan to wait is that Crona seems to be going through a lot right now. I'm not privy to what it is, nor am I asking to know - you don't need to tell me - but I had a feeling now was a bad time to talk about these things, especially with him. I'd urge you both to wait, to give him time to settle the extra things going on in his life before changing this, but as I told Kan, it comes down to your decision, not mine."

Sol - Today at 10:51 PM "I don't talk to talk about anythiing wiith hiim riight now..he needs a break." Flex your hand a little, you just want to hug him soooooo so much. Piss if Felide is there to see your deterioration into feeling like mush, what the kids now a days call 'trust' and 'comfort'. "I don't want anyone to hurt.." Your teeth grind. You wither. They're both saying a lot and you can't even remotely keep up with it because everything has been pretty simple in your noggin, but this is complicated and messy. And while they are trying to work with you thoughts keep popping in your head that range from vicious and lashing out to cutting chunks of your own self esteem out. "I don't know what to do."

Kan - Today at 11:00 PM You listen to them both exchange a few words and concerns, but your focus is on Sol. You both haven't been together for very long, but you know he's uneased right now. You frown at his words, gently lifting a hand then to tuck back his hair before resting your arm over his shoulders. You didn't know if a full embrace would be welcome, but you leave it open for him. "I'm sorry I'm this way...I...truly thought I could ease into this without issue, but. I guess I over thought my capabilities on the matter." You sigh softly. "We'll take this a step at a time, alright love? Even if we need to wait for a better moment to speak with Crona about this. At least you know how I feel on the matter now and we can both work together to fleshing this out to work. For all of us." You bring your free hand up and caress his cheek. "Crona seems to do better with things that are more secure, anyways. Fully thought out. We should come to him prepared and with options. Don't you agree?"

Sol - Today at 11:17 PM Nod, and you crack, crumble, other cool words that could describe you literally melting into Kankri and admist him opening himself up for good ol' wholesome affection you were already leaning into him. Arms wrapping around him in a hug that is pretty heckin tight. In the cool and literal sense. If you could you would be in his lap, but in the back of your mind you remember the voyuer on the floor, for a lack of a better word. "Yeah." That's it that's what you got.

Felide - Today at 11:19 PM You are starting to feel a little awkward. With a polite bow of your head, you stand. "I think you've got it from here." You give Kan a nudge in the shoulder. "Told you you could do it. But this was a good talk. We got everything out in the open... Now take care of him. I'll be with Lil if you need us."

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