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clearexpertarcade · 5 months

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matt weekends were filled with partying and beer he was in love with the college nightlife but Matt was steadily increasing his waistline without him realizing it I mean all that beer and getting high which would lead to a pig out at the end of the night Lucky for Matt the first 5 Ibs he gained went straight to his ass only making matt hotter.

Matt had managed to gain a respectable 15 pounds, covering his formerly shredded abs with a bit of a belly but no one would have called him fat or probably even noticed

Matt's love of burgers and pastries was steadily increasing his waistline without him realising it the ex-jock’s belly grew steadily each day he was growing inch by inch how could he not when Matt's diet slowly turned into one of beer, pizza, pasta, McDonald’s, Dunkin’ Donuts, and burritos. And all the partying Matt did Left him with little time to work out not that he gave it much thought

Matt said to his roommate ''am getting pizza you want anything''

Roommate “Shouldn’t you be laying off the fast food?”

Mate “Sure beats having to make my own dinner”

The roommate walked over to Matt lifted his shirt reached out and gave Matt soft layer of extra pudge a squeeze

Roommate “Maybe you ought to think about laying off the pizza a bit.”

Matt lowered his shirt “ Yes, fine Whatever Um, yeah, I’ll take 2 large meat lovers with extra cheese and the dessert cookie cake …. You want anything''

Roommate ''“That’s all for you?”

Matt “Yeah bro what do you want?”

Roommate '' am good''

Mate '' oh and a bottle of diet coke''

Roomate “Haha you enjoyed yourself.''

and enjoy himself he did Matt quite happily and stuffed himself with pizza lifting piece by piece, watching the multitude of cheeses stretch away from the rest of the pizza. He used his finger to sever the excess and toss it back into his mouth.

Matt would be meandering about the dorm room with his bare beer belly on for show. Matt would belch and rub his way around the room. Matt's roommate walked up to him and patted his belly which was starting to droop a little over the elastic waistband “Careful buddy, you’re gonna get fat.” Matt shrugged, taking another sip of his beer “I’ll still hit the gym and run, you know? It will all balance out in the end.”

Matt didn't listen to his roommate's warning and continued pigged out in every sense of the word and his belly grew wider and wider, drooping lower and lower, his once flat chest was developing into a heavy pair of moobs.

Matt kept convincing himself that his 36" pants still fit he’d suck in his growing belly and grunt and groan “Damn it,” he grunted, attempting to get the button in his jeans to reach the hole. Matt tried buttoning them but they wouldn’t close ''Just suck in. Just suck it in''. These fit the last time Matt wore them.

Matt tossed himself against his bed pushing himself onto the bed. Sure enough, he managed to get the ends to meet and do up his pants. Sitting up was a little uncomfortable, but at least his pants were fastened.

Later that night Matt and his roommate kicked back watched TV down some beers and got high. Time melted away as they talked and In what seemed like no time at all, Matt had downed two beers The button of his shorts groaned audibly but didn’t give. As Matt leaned forward to reach for his third beer but suddenly he heard the button on his shorts groan. There was a pinch at his waist, then a loud snap, and the pressure dissipated immediately from his waist as his button went flying across the room. His zipper gave under the pressure of his surging belly and jiggled wildly on his lap, jutting forward even farther than it had before, leaving his belly completely exposed, pale, flabby, and jiggly right before his roommate's eyes.

“You’ve gotten fat, man Looks like you could use some new shorts I can't believe you just busted out your pants. You need to lay off the burgers and beer, big guy.''

“Man,” Matt gave his belly a jiggle, “I am getting’ fuckin’ fat dude. I need to hit the gym. I didn’t notice how big this puppy was getting!”

Matt stood shirtless in front of his 3-sided mirror with his shorts busted open and gave his belly a squeeze and grabbed a handful of his flesh. He gasped and he felt his fingers press deeply into his soft stomach. It felt like bread dough being kneaded between his fingers. It was then that Matt realized that the Fat Gut he saw looking in the mirror was his. He screamed aloud in shock when he realized that he was fat.

#fat belly #fatboy #letgo #fat #fatboystory #fatty #pop #exjock #fat guy

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torturedtraveler · 5 days

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dear xx univeristy application office,

Listen, I know I've been rejected and this personal statement is not going to mean anything. But I feel like writing it, as a reflection of the past few months.

With what happened in middle school, I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety and transferred schools. I started dating a friend but broke up shortly after. One day he jumped from our school building and passed away (he had bipolar), it felt like a slap across my face and from then on, I gave up on myself.

I stopped showing up to class consistently and socializing. Until one day in Form 6, I realized, I didn't understand any of the things my teachers were saying in class and I would have my IB exams in less than a year. I couldn't catch up, I couldn't do it. Again, I was impulsive and have always been so I decided to just quit IB and start A-Levels. Fast forward a few months, I found out that I still couldn't do it, because of my mental health, I couldn't pull through, and in the midst of it, my grandpa passed away. These all piled up on me again and I had to quit, again. I took one A-Level and IELTS and decided to apply for associate degree programs. I chose translation originally because I am fluent in both English and Chinese and I have always wanted to do something related to languages. However, something shifted in me one day, I applied to the same colleges but instead, in Psychology.

I went through what I would call "hell" in those 5-6 years in secondary, I struggled every day with mental health, with depression, with anxiety, and I wanted to do something in the future that could help kids like me. In fact, XX College gave me a conditional offer but unfortunately, my academic qualifications did not meet their requirements (probably because I didn't graduate from a secondary school) just like how I didn't meet your requirements and am not what you wanted. Fortunately, my current College accepted me for my qualifications and there I started my tertiary education.

The school year started off great and strong. I was attending classes every day, socializing with my classmates, handing in assignments, all these things I NEVER managed to do consistently in high school.

My family and friends were shocked about the transformation. I was actually working hard in school.

Hey, I know a 3.26 GPA might have not been the best and you were probably expecting something higher, but that wasn't what mattered, what mattered was, I changed. I started taking my academics seriously, even through hard days, when I felt tired and depressed (occasionally), I showed up to class and did my work, and I made friends, which again, was shocking considering I developed social anxiety after I was bullied in high school for my ex-boyfriends' suicide.

However, my anxiety got worse near the end of the first semester and I had to postpone my final requirements, nonetheless, I finished them at the start of semester B.

I don't know what went wrong from there, but it was obvious that my mental health was getting bad again because I wasn't showing up to class and I wasn't paying attention in class. Though I was still handing in assignments and working hard on them, I wasn't showing up to class consistently. I only acknowledged the decline of my mental health at the start of March, when I started isolating myself again and stopped talking to my mom, who has always been my best friend. Fast forward to my second mid-term test, I thought I would feel less pressured after finishing it, but nope, it only went downhill from there. I didn't show up to class for 2 consecutive weeks. My mom was asking me if I was okay, and my friends were asking me why I wasn't showing up to class. I repeatedly reassured them I was fine, I just needed some time off for myself, but in reality, I was only trying to reassure myself that I was fine because I refused to admit that I was having a relapse. I didn't want to accept it, I was doing so fine for so long, I was getting so much better, and everyone was praising me for it, what could go wrong? Well, reality sucks, and sometimes, depression creeps its way back into your life with no apparent reason.

April was when things got really bad, depression was presenting itself in physical ways. I caught a cold, and it got better after 3 days, but then I had abdominal pain, which escalated to stomachache. It was one of the worst physical pain I have ever felt in my life, I had a low fever and I could not stand up, my mom wanted to call the ambulance and get me to the hospital but I refused because I knew I had to wait to see the doctor and my pain would just worsen. I saw a doctor the next day and he informed me that it was gastroenteritis. I had to stay home for a few days because I was still in some level of pain. I was forced to put down my academics for a while. Aphthous ulcer found its way to my mouth later (and I actually still do have it at the current moment), and now I can't even have a proper meal without being in pain.

The physical symptoms weren't the worst part. Do you know that feeling of working on an assignment one day in an empty room in the school library on a Saturday afternoon, listening to jazz and making good progress, and all of a sudden you stared at a blank wall and started bawling your eyes out? That's what happened to me. I experienced that consecutively for a week. Just completely random moments in life, you were feeling fine the last second, and the next, you were crying for your dear life.

I was in the shower once and suicidal thoughts consumed my mind, I was bombarded with all the ways I could end my life, jumping off a building, hanging myself, cutting myself, etc. I felt despairful, worthless, exhausted, all the worst emotions you could possibly think of, and was just ready. Ready for me to leave because I had no worth, I wasn't showing up to class and it was reflected in my grades. I mustered up the strength to call in my mom because for a split second there I still wanted to hold on, I didn't want to give up just quite yet.

All these were happening, because I had so much pressure on my shoulders, that I imposed on myself, to get a high GPA, to get into a prestigious university in my city, to get into XX Univeristy. I didn't want to spend 2 years in community college and wanted to ascend to university as fast as I could.

I received your university's rejection yesterday, and let me tell you, yesterday was an awful day. To start with, rains flooded the streets near my school campus, even under an umbrella I was drenched, from head to bottom. I arrived on campus completely soaked, with water in my shoes. At that point, I was already depressed (bad weather could seriously affect your mood), nonetheless, I told myself "It was a bad experience, but that will not dictate your day, you still have a full day ahead of you", so I mustered a smile on my face and went straight to class. I was chatting with friends as it was the last class and we were all just doing revisions. I went to the library shortly after.

I wasn't as productive as I wanted to be because 1) I wasn't motivated and 2) Depression can really interfere with your daily life functioning, for example, doing work. I didn't get as much done as I wanted to so I decided, maybe it was time to go home.

I took the train, I bought myself dinner, I grabbed the mail, I went home. I sat down, with my dinner in front of me, and opened up the application portal on my laptop.

The word "unsuccessful" was under my application status and into my eyes.

I kid you not, I felt like my life had ended right there. Everything that I had worked so hard for, all the pressure I had imposed on myself to get a high GPA, to get into a prestigious university, and the high hopes that I had, all faded in one single moment.

I called my mom screaming and crying, shouting into the phone about how miserable I was, I was in so much pain. I couldn't think straight and my mom reassured me that she was on her way home. She arrived, grabbed a chair, and sat next to me.

Essentially our conversation went on for about 45 minutes, and I remember distinctly, one of the things she said was, "So? That's it?". It was a wake-up call for me.

All this time, the amount of pressure I've put on myself, the sleepless nights I've had to experience, the physical symptoms, the mental symptoms, etc. All because of one number that I ignorantly thought would dictate my future. I lost sight of what I originally did this for. In working towards getting into university to get a degree where I could help people, I ironically forgot to help myself. I lost sight of what was important in the current moment, my priority is not yet to help others struggling with mental health, it's me, I'm struggling with my mental health, I am my priority. I neglected my mental health and what I truly needed, it wasn't grades, it was self-love. Caring for myself, listening to my needs, attending to myself, and acknowledging that I was struggling.

It's okay to relapse. It's okay to know that you need help. It's okay that you're depressed again even if you thought you didn't have depression anymore. It's okay that it's near finals season but you're mentally struggling, maybe you need to postpone again, and that's okay. Do you know why? Because we're humans, and it's okay to not be okay.

All these years of struggling, I haven't done much with my life and I desperately wanted to prove to myself and everyone else, that for once, I could do something, I am capable of something. I wanted to get into a university, a prestigious one, the top in my city, to redeem myself. Because my sister got into a good university, and my friends from high school got into good universities. I NEED to prove to people that I am not dumber than them, just because I wasted a few years in secondary school doesn't mean I am less smart than them. I can still get into university.

I am just as good. Not because of good grades or whether I am in a good university or not though. I am a good person because I have a good heart, I care for everyone around me deeply and I'm always there for them even if I'm struggling. I am a good person because I have a passion, I want to work hard to achieve my passion and help people professionally. I am a good person because I have hobbies, I have things I enjoy doing and I do my best to advance my skills, and to work hard to achieve small goals in life.

I am a good person because I haven't given up on myself yet. 6 years of depression and anxiety, and countless times standing on a ledge, wanting to jump but convincing myself not to.

Because my ultimate goal in life is to be happy, I know there will be bad days and bad experiences, some days might feel like the end of the world (just like yesterday), but some would feel like I'm floating on cloud 9. That doesn't equal a bad life. And I'm learning to accept that.

I want to be surrounded by people I love, loving them back in the same way so they know they're not alone because they were there for me when I was at my lowest. I am the happiest when I'm loving, I'm giving, and when I'm learning. Psychology is something I'm passionate about, not the GPA system. What I should do in the current moment is to learn, enjoy the process, and work hard to show my teachers, and myself, that I have done my best with what I've learned.

Thank you for your rejection. Your wake-up call. If it weren't for this, I wouldn't have realized what I was doing wrong this whole time and I probably would've stayed in that same position for a while. I'm taking it day by day now, and I'm getting better, and that's what truly matters.

My deepest gratitude for reviewing my application and considering it. Also for reading this if you have.

Thank you, I truly, deeply, appreciate it.

Warmest regards

#university #rejection #college #psychology #letters #poetry

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lonestarflight · 3 months

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Apollo Missions: Apollo 5

A schematic highlighting the major milestones of the Apollo 5 mission to test LM-1.

Diagram of the Saturn IB used for the unmanned LM-1 test flight.

"A nearly perfect performance by the Saturn IB placed the S-IVB-204 stage and its LM-1 payload into an initial 163 by 222 kilometer orbit with an inclination of 31.6° following 10 minutes and 3.3 seconds of powered flight. After 35 seconds in orbit, the nose cone was successfully jettisoned with the four panels of the SLA deployed 9 minutes and 15 seconds later. LM-1 used its RCS to separate from S-IVB-204 at 23:38:58 GMT about halfway through its first revolution and into a 167 by 224 kilometer orbit. After separation, LM-1 changed its attitude to cold soak its propulsion system for the next two orbits.

Diagram showing the configuration of LM-1 inside of its Spacecraft Launch Adapter (SLA).

An artist conception of LM-1 separating from its spent S-IVB stage.

With its primary duties concluded, S-IVB-204 performed a number of engineering tests including the dumping of residual cryogenic propellants and helium pressurant through the stage’s J-2 engine. This procedure would help lighten the stage for easier control in orbit and prepare future S-IVB stages for use as a 'wet' orbital workshop as proposed for the Apollo Application Program which was planned to follow the initial Apollo lunar landing missions (a program which later evolved into Skylab). After the propellant dump was successfully completed at 01:19:33 GMT on January 23, the stage was in a 155 by 223 kilometer orbit. Although it was not tracked, the orbit of S-IVB-204 was expected to decay ten revolutions after the separation of LM-1 about 15½ hours after launch.

Following the three-hour cold soak of LM-1, a pair of burns were planned for the descent propulsion system (DPS) followed by two burns of the ascent propulsion system (ASE). The first 39-second burn of the DPS would start at a throttle setting of 10% then ramp up to full thrust for the last 12 seconds to simulate the initial deorbit burn which would start the descent towards the lunar surface. The second firing of the DPS would last for 739 seconds and use a series of throttle settings representative of an actual descent to the lunar surface. Immediately afterwards, the abort staging would be tested with an initial five-second burn of the APS. A subsequent firing of the APS would continue until the stage’s propellants were depleted after about 445 seconds completing the primary mission about 6½ hours after launch. Because the LM ascent stage was expected to be left in a comparatively long-lived 315 by 815 kilometer orbit after the completion of the last APS burn, extended mission activities were planned until the ascent stage depleted its consumables about seven hours later.

At 02:47:49 GMT on January 23 (just shy of four hours after liftoff), LM-1 was commanded to start the first of two planned burns of the DPS but the engine unexpectedly shutdown after firing for only four seconds leaving the spacecraft in a 170 by 222 kilometer orbit instead of the planned 215 by 330 kilometer orbit. After examining the telemetry, ground controllers quickly located the source of the problem. The LM’s guidance computer had been programmed to abort the maneuver and shutdown the DPS if it did not provide the expected acceleration level after four seconds – a situation which would normally indicate a problem with the DPS. Because the pressure-fed propulsion system was purposely running at lower than nominal pressure for these tests, it would now take six seconds to reach full thrust. It was this oversight which resulted in the premature shutdown of the DPS.

Cutaway diagram of LM-1 used for the first unmanned test flight of the Lunar Module (LM)

As a result of the problem, a preplanned alternate mission was adopted by ground controllers which would meet the minimum mission requirements while keeping LM-1 in touch with tracking stations for key maneuvers. With the guidance system deactivated, the DPS was ignited by ground command for a 33-second burn at 04:58:49 GMT during the fourth revolution. The second burn of the DPS for the alternate mission sequence was commanded at 04:59:54 GMT for an abbreviated 28-second burn. This was followed by the abort staging test and a 60-second burn of the APS. All systems worked as intended during this alternate mission’s three burns. The 228 meter per second total change in velocity from these three propulsive maneuvers boosted LM-1 into a 172 by 961 kilometer orbit.

An artist conception of the firing of the LM descent propulsion system (DPS) during the Apollo 5 mission.

After these first three firings of the propulsion systems, the primary control system was reactivated for the balance of the mission. Unfortunately the guidance computer, which had been in a passive mode during the abort staging, had not taken into account the change in spacecraft mass and used excessively long burns of the RCS to control attitude as if it had a fully loaded descent stage still attached. This resulted in higher than expected RCS usage and eventual propellant depletion after only about an hour. Fortunately the RCS could be configured to draw from the APS propellant supply to provide attitude control during the mission’s final burn. Because of the timing and other requirements of the burns in the alternate mission plan, this second burn of the APS would be in the retrograde direction which would send the spacecraft into Earth’s atmosphere ending the Apollo 5 mission.

Flight Director Gene Kranz (left) and Dr. Gilruth (right) shown in the Mission Control Center at the conclusion of the Apollo 5 mission

With the ground track of LM-1 beginning to drift beyond the mission’s tracking stations due to the one-orbit delay to implement the alternate mission, the remainder of the mission had to be completed by the next revolution. The second burn of the APS started at 06:32:20 GMT during the fifth revolution. As planned, the sequencer automatically closed the valves supplying the RCS with propellant about 161 seconds later. Without attitude control, the ascent stage began to tumble as the APS continued to fire for another 190 seconds before its propellants were finally depleted. The last telemetry was received from LM-1 at 06:40:18 GMT on January 23 ending the Apollo 5 mission 7 hours, 52 minutes and 10 seconds after launch. The LM-1 ascent stage reentered the Earth’s atmosphere and was destroyed over the Pacific Ocean some 640 kilometers off the coast of Central America. The inactive descent stage of LM-1 fell from orbit on February 12.

"Map showing the ground track of the Apollo 5 mission as flown and the location of tracking stations supporting the mission.

Although the Apollo 5 mission had encountered problems forcing a switch to an alternate mission plan, the overall performance of LM-1 was good enough to satisfy the mission’s main objectives. And with the requirement to certify the LM for crewed test flights satisfied, a potential second unmanned test flight with LM-2 was cancelled allowing one more mission to be cut from the Apollo program’s increasingly tight schedule. With LM-2 being unsuitable for manned flight without significant reworking to meet new requirements in the wake of the Apollo 1 fire, it was set aside as work continued on LM-3 for the first manned LM test flight on Apollo 9."

-information from DrewExMachina: link

#Apollo 5 #Lunar Module #LM-1 #SLA-7 #Saturn IB #SA-204 #Rocket #NASA #Apollo Program #B-type mission #January #1968 #my post

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alostlittleriverlotus · 11 months

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sitting here saying I am in incredible pain, saying the pain I have every single day, while my mom patronizingly says "that's rough" or pats my knee sympathetically.

My dad jokingly says "you're too young to have problems" or "it only gets worse from here" or "welcome to being 65."

I am 21 years old. 3 years ago I demanded to see a doctor because my knee pain was making it difficult to walk. I have had pain since I was a child and it has only progressively gotten worse. My parents are in charge of getting me appointments (with my help since I'm over 18) because of my autism, overwhelm, mutism, and shutdown and severe anxiety and avoidance. They handle finances as I have about $10 and that's it and can't work.

Getting the patronizing "sorry you're in pain :(" when I have made it clear when the issues started years ago and got written off as annoying and complaining and it progressed to the point where I barely leave my bed or get up at all and I try my best to do things to ease the pain pisses me off.

I demanded to see a doctor. My mother said she would. She didn't. And now getting these jokes and patronizing stuff pisses me off. You are literally metaphorically spitting in my face. My knee and back issues have only gotten worse to where I struggle to even do the bare minimum of myself.

And I am mad. Because it NEVER had to get this bad. And doctors now overlook my issues for my weight. I had bad blood pressure ONCE and it was immediately chopped up to my weight/exercise even though they know I have diagnosed anxiety and I was literally getting a vaccine that day, I have a fear of needles! Since then, no blood pressure issues cause I am blessed with perfect blood pressure apparently.

I just. Am so fucking mad. And over these past 3 years? I have seen my parents work hard to be healthy, go to the gym, get medical help for every tiny issue they have. While I am sitting here, just trying to eat right to keep my IBS from killing me and to prevent low blood sugar problems. It's apparently been my responsibility since I was like fucking 5 to make my pain known, but it only got written off. And even when I state clearly what I want and experience, it gets overlooked.

I can't wait to move in with one of my close loved ones cause they not only believe me, but they help me. Ray helped me get an OBGYN and without his help, I probably wouldn't be on birth control and have gotten diagnosed with PCOS. My friend who is literally my age is the reason I got diagnosed with PCOS and got help for it at all.

I just...am so fucking frustrated. Like actually fuck so many adults in my life. And stop blaming child me for not "letting you know." I was a child, it was my normal, I made it clear I was in pain and you didn't once think "maybe we should get this checked on."

When I move out, I'll be with people who believe me and can help me stand up for myself. I'm no good at facing doctors especially with my trauma and mental blocks and disorders. But I have hope. It's just living with the every day annoyances until then, the ones that make me just wanna scream or fight. I swear to god.

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tashibum · 11 days

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Howdy, friend! Thank you so much for interacting with my post, which has made you one of my 10 recipients for this ask game. Also I'm still laughing about your slasher rb. No pressure at all btw, I won't be offended if you delete this.

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who liked or reblogged something from you!

Have a great day/night 🫶

OMG girl I love your account❤️. I thought Left in Lincoln was my fave until I met Slasher. How fic writers like yourself manage to write is beyond me because I always have no motivation to complete/start a story.

Is it bad I struggled to think of things that make me happy? 😬 I have a very boring life🙈

-My mum's homemade KFC Twister wraps (garlic mayo is life)

-When I go a long stretch without any IBS symptoms/anxiety that then leads to an IBS attack

-My fave youtubers (ItalianBach, Cold Ones, Taffe316, Hell on Earth, GentleWhisperingASMR)

-Staying at home (nothing beats when plans get cancelled🙌🏻)

-Playing Hitman on xbox. Recently spent the Easter break playing it everyday

+1 more for fun

-Listening to music and dancing/runway strutting when I’m home alone (I fucked up my foot 2 years ago jumping around to Azealia Banks)

#me

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starzzyeyed · 1 month

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wip game! thank you @softhairedhotch and @reasonablerodents !

Rules: reveal the titles of the documents in your wip folder and tag as many people as there are documents. let others ask questions about the ones that interest them and post snippets or explain the contents

I have at least thirty wips in my drafts right now, and I don't even have a wip folder they're just... all over the place So, I'm not even going to try to list them all, let alone tag one person for each, but here's the ones that I've been working on most recently!

elephant's memory mean gideon

piss desperate spencer

paramedic hotch sequel

we drifted to survive (Surrender chapter 3)

retired hotch hotchreid

untitled jemily a/b/o

WAYHAS chapter 5

untitled dark fic for @tobias-hankel

IBS Spencer beginning

no pressure tags: @domestikhighway58 @masterwords @eldrai @imaginationtherapy @goobzoop @justjasper

#tag game #starzzy writes hotchreid

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aajjks · 4 months

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💜😔

TPOL!JK

“i-i’m sure i’ll feel better by tomorrow. i’m probably just sick” you say while rubbing your temples but jungkook doesn’t buy it and books an appointment anyways. for the rest of the night jungkook handles everything. he takes care of jaemin and cooks you dinner while you lay in bed and watch movies.

by the next day, jungkook is up early getting jaemin ready for your doctor’s appointment as are you. you throw on a cute blue tracksuit with uggs boots while your hair is in a messy bun because you didn’t have the energy to do it. not to mention, it’s thinning out so you may have to cut it.

jungkook takes the keys to his mercedes and drops jaemin off at his mother’s before he’s headed to the hospital for your check up. you both arrive on time and the nurse does the usual: takes your blood pressure, weighs you at a low 90 Ibs, notes your height, and when she takes your temperature it’s sitting at 105*F.

“do you mind if we draw blood, ms. l/n?” she asks and you nod your head. while she gets the needles together, she informs you to tell her what’s been going on with your health while jungkook sits and watches the whole thing.

you aren’t a big fan of needles so jungkook helps distract you by telling you to look at him and not the needle which helps because the blood drawing is over quickly.

“i’m gonna run some tests and i’ll be back okay?” the nurse says and leaves the both of you alone. you’re obviously worried and so jungkook comes up to help you calm down. his fingers thread through yours as you lean your warm head against his. he’s telling you that everything will be okay but he really isn’t sure what’s going on with you.

you’ve lost a lot of weight, you’re losing hair, the headaches, and he’s noticed the strange red blotches on your face. he doesn’t want to think the worst but he’s beginning to think it might be…

*knock* *knock*

“hello, hello. you must be l/n y/n right?” says the doctor who goes to shake both yours and jungkook’s hand. “i’m dr. fields and i see you’ve lost a lot of weight, you’re experiencing a lot of headaches, and rashes right?”

“y-yeah. i don’t know what’s going on with me. it’s all happening out of nowhere”

“mhm. do you mind if i take a look inside your mouth?”

“no”

you open your mouth as the doctor puts his gloves and uses his light to look inside your mouth for any sores which you don’t have. he checks other parts of your body to look for any swelling, specifically your feet and arms.

“so what’s going in with me?” you ask.

“well, ms. l/n, you have lupus. it’s an autoimmune disease that makes your immune system damage organs and tissue throughout your body and according to your history, your mother—“

“yeah, my mother had lupus. but-but lupus isn’t hereditary…is it?”

“it’s a 5% chance that it could be but from running tests on your blood and the symptoms you’re experiencing, it is lupus. that’s why you’re losing so much weight because hair loss, rashes, headaches, sores in the mouth, and swollen joints are symptoms of lupus. you are experiencing a flare up so i’m going to prescribe you to medications that’ll help lessen those chances and help regulate your weight”

you have lupus. the same disease that your mother was battling for years and the reason why she couldn’t bare another child after you. her flare ups would get so bad that it was considered a risk if she desired to bare another baby and now you’re sure you won’t be able to bare a child for jungkook.

“ms. l/n?”

“h-huh? i-i’m sorry”

“it’s okay. i need you to walk with me so i can do a scan on your body to make sure your liver, kidneys, heart and any other organs are okay and aren’t being affected”

what a sad, sad day.

After you’re done with the scans, he’s obviously impatiently waiting for you to come back, and as soon as you do, Jungkook takes your hand, and you both accompany the doctor.

Of course, he notices that you’re really stressed and upset with the news and of course he’s also scared but he knows lupus is life-threatening in rare cases.. and if you take your medication, you’ll be fine.

So then you are both on your way home, Jungkook wants to lift up your mood because you’re obviously really somber and he cannot blame you, but he was really really scared about. What if it was something more dangerous what would he do then?

So he turns on the music, more so your favorite album, and of course, he starts to hum along with the song, because he knows how much you adore his voice, even though he thinks he’s a very bad singer [LIES] whilst stealing a few quick gazes at your face.

And he knows what he’s going to do.

“Princess.. come on talk to me.. the doctor assured me that you are going to be fine you just need to take your medication and take care of yourself- and I’ll do that for you. I’ll take care of you…. Just… yn don’t stress I know it’s really easy for me to say but I don’t wanna lose you.”

Of course, he’s really scared to lose you, he doesn’t know what he’ll do if that actually happens, but he knows that will be the day he dies as well.

The car comes to a halt because of the signal, he takes the opportunity to ask you about lunch. You haven’t eaten anything.

You have to eat.

“Babe… tell me what do you want to eat? Let’s have lunch together you have to eat, you know that.” Jungkook sighs, “I don’t know what to say that will ease your worries, but… no matter what I’m going to love you. I just want yoi to be here with me and I just wanna live my life with you- I wanna get old with you.. so please start taking care of yourself for me.” He whispers, softly,

He knows he has to be strong for you, so you don’t lose yourself, but it’s really hard for him when he looks at your face and he sees fear in your eyes.

“listen to me. Nothings going to happen to you. We’ll get through this together, honey you’re going to get so healthy and we are both going to live a long healthy life… together with our children, you’ll see.” He laughs,

He’s not really aware about lupus and what side effects it can have but he’s going to do his research tonight, but maybe there’s some thing that you know and he doesn’t.

“Princess.. we can always postpone the wedding until you get better. I don’t wanna put any stress on you.” as much as he excited about the wedding… your health comes first.

“Come yn.. please talk to me say something.”

You’re breaking him.

#ask: tpol!jungkook #:/

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wondereads · 2 years

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Personal Review (08/28/22)

If You Could See the Sun by Ann Liang

Why am I reviewing this book?

Thank you to Inkyard Press and Netgalley for providing an eARC in exchange for an honest review! This book first caught my eye around a month ago, and the premise really intrigued me. I then saw a post from the author about ARCs now being available, so I tried my hand and was approved!

Plot 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Alice Sun attends Airington, a prestigious international private school for the ultra-rich, on a scholarship. As talented and academically gifted as she is, it isn't enough, and she finds out she'll soon have to leave Airington. This news coincides with another revelation: Alice can turn invisible. She can't control when and she doesn't know how, but she decides to capitalize on her invisibility by teaming up with her academic rival, Henry Li, to complete tasks from her classmates to raise funds for her tuition. However, as the stakes start to rise, Alice must decide how far she's willing to go for money.

This book takes a tried and true concept and adds something new to it by bringing in a supernatural element. Now, I'll be honest, anything that involves an elite private school I will eat up every time, so I am a little biased. However, I do think this book stands out from the crowd. Alice has very good reasons for not wanting to leave Airington. Leaving would mean going to a regular school in China and having to face the gaokao, a notoriously rigorous and stressful test required for college attendance, or moving back to America, where she would be unlikely to be able to complete her IB curriculum and would face racism on the daily. Combine that with her desperation to make something of herself, especially when constantly compared to children with the world handed to them on a platter, the tension is there. Even if Alice's methods were dubious, I wanted her to succeed in the end.

In my opinion, the story does get a little slow around the middle, but it's necessary for Alice's guilt to slowly build and overtake her. I loved the comparisons between her and Macbeth, especially since English is something she cares about. Seeing Alice's gradual downfall as the stress and her conscience creep up on her really kept me on the edge of my seat; I knew she was going to crack, but when?

The only negative thing I can think of is the ending. I don't know, I was just expecting something more severe. On one hand, I'm happy for Alice since I was genuinely attached to her, but on the other, I wish the story had explored the negative effects of this sort of thing to a greater extent. Also, as would be expected in a private school full of children of the 1%, it is a little unrealistic. From aspiring idols to kidnapping plots to truly insane amounts of money being thrown around, expect some crazy antics from the students.

Characters 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

As someone who constantly regrets missing out on social activities and extracurriculars due to my obsession with academics but without it would never have stood a chance of getting into college, Alice hits a little too close to home. She's clever, talented, and driven, but she lacks the privilege of her peers and as such has developed a huge inferiority complex. Her character development as she takes her ploy for tuition too far is very well done, and her constant worry and stress were palpable. She's a character that's easy to root for, even when we know she's in the wrong.

Alice's dynamic with Henry was also just fun to read about. Academic rivals are my bread and butter, and Alice and Henry were pretty much everything I love about the concept. I will admit, Henry is a bit of a stereotype for the genre. He's the heir to a huge company that seems like everything comes easily to him but actually puts a lot of work in, especially due to pressure from his parents. However, as much as I loved the romantic subplot, to me, this book was wholly about Alice and her struggle for greatness. Still, I can appreciate how Henry is a stellar, supportive love interest.

In terms of side characters, I would like to especially discuss Alice's parents, her aunt, and Mr. Chen, her English teacher. They all share one thing in common—they are authority figures in Alice's life that truly care for her. It was just so touching to read about the ways they supported Alice, and they also brought an interesting aspect to the story. Despite their unconditional support, Alice still feels as though she is always disappointing them and that she owes them for their help. It was an intriguing concept to cover that even though Alice technically had the support she needed, her environment and personality as a result of that kept her from reaching out.

Writing Style 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

I think the descriptions of Alice's emotional and mental well-being are the stars of the show in this case. Her constant anxiety adds a lot to the story; it made my stakes in the story grow, and it was visceral at times. As someone who is prone to episodes of intense panic, Alice's reactions were both heartwrenching and realistic. This book did a very good job of showing not telling when it came to this.

I will say that the physical descriptions were pretty average. Nothing particularly stood out to me, and I do wish Alice's own appearance had been more detailed. On the other hand, I can perfectly picture Henry due to Alice's constant attention to him (which is pure rivalry and definitely never to be mistaken for attraction). I did like the ending paragraph quite a bit and the way it tied back to both the title and the overarching theme of the book.

Meaning 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Something I really appreciated about this book was how it made it clear that money is undeniably something important. The message isn't that Alice should stop reaching above her station and be content where she is; Alice's financial situation is what got her into the mess in the first place. The message is that Alice (and others like her) deserve better, but while they work towards a better life they shouldn't forget what makes that life worth living in the first place, be it family, friends, or personal passion, all things Alice has lost sight of. In the end, Alice's friends use their privilege to help her, and they are not villainized for having that privilege nor is she villainized for desiring it.

I do wish this book had gone a little deeper on the class divide, especially between Henry and Alice. There's potential for a very big fallout there around Henry not understanding why Alice cares about money so much. I can see why it was maybe excluded or glossed over, but it would have been so interesting to see Henry in particular grapple with Alice's reality.

Overall 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Like I said before, this book takes a story that's been done many times before and executes it well with extra elements that help it stand out. Alice's invisibility brings depth to both the plot and her character, which is well-developed. Her dynamic with Henry is so much fun, and I was able to genuinely root for her the whole time despite her dubious decisions. While I do wish the story had dug into the class divide a bit more, this was overall a very good book, especially for a debut, that I thoroughly enjoyed!

The Author

Ann Liang: Chinese Australian, If You Could See the Sun is her debut novel, and she is currently in college

The Reviewer

My name is Wonderose; I try to post a review every week, and I do themed recommendations every once in a while. I take suggestions! Check out my about me post for more!

#books #reviews #if you could see the sun #ann liang #ya #paranormal #contemporary

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rielzero · 8 months

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This is a vent post. Chronic Pain, disability, IBS.

It's 2 am I wake up wondering why I'm hot. Think its just because I have been dreaming about bg3 non stop. It's not the good kind of hot. It's the ''you are bloating and IBS is happening'' kind of hot. It's 3 am. I am genuinely wondering how the fuck I'm alive. Praying for my body to disembowel whatever the frick decided to ruin my night, but no. There's no bowel movement, I can't do anything except be awake and suffer. I'm so tired, but my body refuses to let me fall asleep. Hot towel doesn't work. Cold towel doesn't work. My spine and ribs feel like they're going to burst. I can't lie on my bed, back, chest, floor. I can't stand, I can't sit. I can't walk in circles without getting dizzy. Craving some sort of way to kill the pain, knowing painkillers will only worsen the inflammation and do absolutely nothing. Praying for bowel movement. Any moment now, any moment now. But I can't even pass gas, I am clogged. I am in hell. It's 4 am. I took a midnight shower as a last resort. Which means laying like a curled half dead spider motionless under the stream of my own agony and a lot of water. I'm shaking from the pain numbed by the water pressure. Any moment now, any moment and it'll stop. It's 5 am, I finally have shaken off the unbearable pain and am in ''sore and no longer nauseous'' territory. I can finally leave. I can finally be unconscious and sleep.. But it'll be back for me eventually, and I can't predict when.

11 am I wake the fuck up. ''how the fuck am I not dead'' I wonder every time. Only to hear the most ableist bullshit thrown at me as If I'm not disabled with different chronic pain disorders amongst other things. IBS is the fucking worst. I didn't even eat trigger foods. Nope, its just constipation? I have no clue. Doctors have repeatedly offered the same answers. ''All you can do is lie there and hope it fucks off, then take stomach medication in the morning when you're not inflamed.'' ARE you EXERCISING ENOUGH? I have a fucking treadmill in my room. I exercise more than my stupid blister-trigger-happy feet allow me to. Every fucking moment of my life, any ''healthy'' thing I do? It hurts me more than it ever improves anything.

....Anyway if anyone wonders why my favorite characters always have themes of chronic pain, its because that is my entire existence. I don't know what its like to not be in some form of pain 24/7.

To me, bliss is that fine moment after the worst night, when the soreness wears off, and my body is too tired to feel painful. That numbness, the exhaustion. I can finally relax.

I'm okay right now, but the past 5 years I've been having these IBS episodes. When I changed my diet to a healthier one, it just became extreme for a while.

I hope tonight I don't wake up bloated again. I really could use the rest. Meds have been taken. Thank you for reading my vent.

#vent #IBS #irritable bowel syndrome #disability #invisible disability #chronic pain #please don't try to diagnose me i know what i have #dont give unsolicited advice thanks #good night

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outerbanksoftargtower · 1 month

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Trap JJ can like get it . Sir pin me against a wall

#rudy pankow #jj maybank #the outter banks #obx #jimmy #5 ibs of pressure #this man #jj or jimmy ?

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amcolombe · 1 year

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Emotional motion sickness

I hate you for what you did

I faked it every time, but that's alright

I can hardly feel anything, I hardly feel anything at all

As a child, I spent most of my days making sure everyone around me was okay. If everyone was okay, then everything would be okay. I spent hours obsessing over how I could fix people or situations. If someone was upset with me, it would eat at me. I would physically feel pain at the thought of someone I loved being upset at me, even if was out of my control. I was 5 with full-blown anxiety in a world that wasn’t quite talking about that yet. So, I was quiet, made sure I was good, and started to learn how to bottle up my feelings to make sure everyone around me was comfortable.

As I got older, I found other ways to ease this anxiety. Music, alcohol, cigarettes, friends, and always more alcohol. As I exited high school I started a relationship that lasted almost 5 years. I’ve blacked out most of that relationship, but what I do remember was awful. I was put down everyday, told I was stupid and would amount to nothing. I accepted the love I thought I deserved. One day, it clicked, I was so incredibly unhappy but I felt stuck. I broke it off and moved to sacramento. Fast forward 3 months, he called me and told me he cheated on me throughout whole relationship.. what a joke. I told myself, never again- you won’t catch me putting up with anyone’s bullshit.

I deserved better.

A year or so later I (re)found someone. Someone I thought was safe, kind, and would treat me as I felt I should be treated. He spoke words of how he was a feminist, would March for the rights of women and protect them at all costs. He wrote me stories about love and about us. How everything I ever wanted would happen and it started with “us”. I fell in love with these words and promises. I wanted to feel secure. I wanted so badly to be loved.

So, I took the leap. We moved in together, eventually got engaged and then married.

But, from the jump there was something deeply wrong that I continued to ignore and look past. Because, well, I was manipulated to.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget the first time it happened. We were in our new apartment, I had started my new job and was so tired when I got home from work. I sat down to relax and he started to initiate sex. I told him I wasn’t feeling up to it and he walked away upset. That feeling inside me to fix everything came to the surface. I stood up and asked if everything was ok. He looked at me and said it had been a week and he felt like I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. I remember feeling frozen, unsure of how to fix it. Of course I was attracted to him, I was just tired. I tried to explain that, but I was emotional and it came out angry. He got angry too and just went to the bedroom. He didn’t look at me much for the next day or so. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. This was the first time my future husband pressured me into saying yes next time, even if I didn’t want to.

As the years went by, this would morph into worse fights, sometimes lasting weeks. After he proposed to me, he expected to have sex that night. We has so many friends over, we stayed up late, we were drinking. I was simply just not feeling up to it. I remember laying next to him thinking, I can’t say no to my fiancé or he’ll get so upset he won’t even touch me.

He started having these rules, we had to have sex at least 3 times a week. That’s what he needed. But the problem with that was what he “needed” was at the cost of my body. I didn’t feel safe in it anymore. As I got older, I started to develop what I now know is IBS and leaky gut. My stomach can get in so much pain that I almost pass out. This can be triggered by so many things but at the time, I has no clue what was happening to me. Sometimes my stomach

would be fine one second and in pain the next. He would ask for sex, I’d say yes even though my stomach hurt because it was easier (and after I would see the person I fell in love with). During sex it would feel like knives were being shoved in my stomach. But I couldn’t say stop, because he would get far to upset. I didn’t feel like I could.

After a big fight, if I said no, he would come home with gifts. Flowers, bath bombs, crazy expensive stuff. And then would come on to me and I felt like I had to say yes.

All of this, I believe was somewhat intentional and somewhat unintentional. It was a perfect storm. I am a people pleaser, or at least I used to be. And I would do anything for anyone that asked, if it made them happy. He was struggling internally with so many different issues that caused him to only feel love through sexual encounters. Overtime it developed into this procedural process.

When I knew it was “sex nights” I was prolong coming home. I’d try to stay at work, the gym, out with friends because I didn’t want to. Towards the end of our relationship, I would want to gag anytime he touched me.

I remember thinking, what is wrong with you? Your husband wants you and you don’t want him back. But here’s the thing, after years of coercion, you stop wanting to be with that person. You resent them completely.

I didn’t know what coercion was at the time, I thought, this is just what it’s like to be married.

Sexual coercion can involve verbal pressure or manipulation and can include:

* Repeated requests or feeling badgered into having sex.

* Using guilt or shame to pressure someone—you would do it if you loved me.

* Threatening the loss of the relationship or infidelity if one does not engage in sex.

* Other forms of emotional blackmail

I remember crying for hours when I found what happened to me had a name. I felt so validated. Like I was not alone, I was not crazy. I was being hurt by someone I loved and it was not okay.

I’m glad to say, one day I worked up the courage to leave my ex husband. 6 months before we had the worst fight. I started saying no more and that led to many fights. This one was bad, we were in the car and I remember getting out and just running. I didn’t stop. I ran down our street full speed, crying the entire time. I remember wishing someone would stop me, ask me if I was okay so I could tell them what was happening. No one stopped me. I fell to the ground, turned around and punched the light pole. I walked back home out of breath and a bloody, swollen hand.

I told him when I got home that he had 6 months to fix himself. I was done. I loved him but that was not enough.

6 months passed, and I remember it went really well for about 5 months and 3 weeks. He was the person I fell for 7 years ago. And then we had another fight over me saying no sex. He was upset because it had been so long and we didn’t have it on Valentine’s Day. He went into the room and wouldn’t talk or look at me. I said I needed space and time to think.

Space and time made me realize I was happier alone. So I left. I left my entire life I built. But not without being thrown down, ran over and lit on fire. Hypothetically of course. He called everyone and told them before I could, he gave them his narrative, his side. He told my family I left him before I even had a second to process what happened. He was the victim. After years of being manipulated, coerced, yelled at, in pain, and more.. I was the bad person. And he was a saint. Most people in our lives viewed him as a loving, kind and caring person. While this was true, there was other parts that they never saw.

I protected him. I told him I wouldn’t tell people why I was leaving because that was personal. And honestly, I was embarrassed.

I ended up telling very few people that I felt

needed to know because rumors of me cheating were flying around.

Everyone else turned their back on me. Which at the time felt like my world was ending, but now I know it was just the universe showing me who was really in my circle.

Four years have passed and sometimes it feels like this all happened yesterday. But the reason I am writing it now is because for the past 3 months I have started trauma therapy. I found myself having panic attacks anytime I would tell my current partner that I wasn’t feeling up to having sex. Or sometimes he would joke about something but it would trigger something from my past that would send me into tears. I didn’t want to live like that anymore.

Today I am working on working through the uncomfortable parts of my past to push through to the future. It sucks, I spend so much time rethinking my actions. Looking back at what felt like weak person who couldn’t stand up for herself so she had sex with someone when she didn’t want to. But I’m learning to forgive that version of myself and start to heal. One day I’ll be able to close this chapter, it will always be apart of me but it no longer control me.

You're throwin' rocks around your room

I'm on the outside lookin' through

And while you're bleeding on your back in the glass

I'll be glad that I made it out

And sorry that it all went down like it did

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goldie90 · 2 years

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I was tagged for this by @yaffles-world

Thanks for the tag dear stranger (though I know you had to, because apparently I happened to be one of the last 10 people in your notifications, right?)😀

10 random facts about myself:

My favorite actress is Keira Knightley

I´m a 100% dog person🐶

I have strawberry blonde hair (it´s a very golden slightly reddish blonde)

I look much younger than I am - people always mistake me for early 20s😊

I don´t own a single pair of pants - I´m always wearing skirts or dresses👗

My favorite song is How do you want it by 2Pac Shakur (R.I.P. King💗)

I´m a hopeless romantic

I HATE the yandere trope as well as the enemies to lovers trope

I´m 5`3 and weigh 104 ibs

I have green-blue eyes (it´s mostly green with a bit of blue in it)

So, the rules say I now have to tag the last 10 people in my notifications and these are: @emmets-selfship-blog, @pastelalleycat, @catboy-wadanohara, @octaviaember, @alicethecoffeeaddict, @mossy-selfship, @angry24-7, @cowboyslover, @stanczyk-selfships and @self-shipping-dice

Of course no pressure. Only do it if you want to.🙂

#tag game

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bizarrelittlemew · 1 year

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15 questions!

tagged by @skysofrey to do some questions ❤️🥰

1. Are you named after anyone?

nope but my parents have always said they wanted to name me Ib if I were a boy and I have never been able to tell if they were joking

2. When was the last time you cried?

made the mistake of watching The Small One over the holidays and it always has me bawling at the end

3. Do you have kids?

no. torn between wanting my husband to become a dilf and being deadly afraid of bearing children 😞

4. do you use sarcasm?

too much probably!

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

hmm whether they seem "warm", more of a feeling

6. What’s your eye color?

hazel

7. Scary movies or happy endings?

happy endings definitely (even though I cry)

8. any special talents?

I'm moderately good at several things but not particularly talented in anything other than maybe teaching myself stuff? if that makes sense

9. where were you born?

hospital in my home town

10. What are your hobbies?

crochet and weightlifting 😎 and writing I guess

11. Do you have any pets?

my two cats 💕 foster fails

12. What sports do you play/have played?

didn't "play" since I'm hopeless at competitive sports but I used to do horsebackriding and crossfit

13. How tall are you?

178 cm (5'10"?)

14. favorite subject in school?

you're gonna think I'm a nerd but it was biotechnology ✌️ (we brewed beer and made lego robots)

15. dream job?

drug development research where I can make enough money to buy at least three (3) alpacas

I'm tagging @beardedblack, @abigailpents, @tabbystardust and @darkinerry (only if you want to, no pressure 💕)

#tag game #tagged #thank you ❤️❤️❤️

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da-at-ass · 2 years

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So this is where I am with mental illness, being a trans man, and having migraine headaches from a childhood injury that my parents won't give me more than sparse details on but which left me with a head scar that is visible to every person I meet:

IBS-like symptoms such as gut pain and severe indigestion arise when there is stress or hypervigilance. This often results in severe inflammation of the bowel area, and sometimes causes nausea which makes it difficult to eat.

Headaches and heat flares also occur with stress and it is difficult to take medication for them when my guts are inflamed and I'm nauseous. Dramamine is only so effective. So I end up just trying to use cold compresses, air conditioning, etc. Headaches get immensely worse if I don't have enough protein or carbs, which can be a problem if I have IBS-like symptoms.

Headaches also occur due to seasonal changes and pressure shifts. I have a crack in my skull and a scar on my scalp that ache when these things occur.

Sometimes the headaches are actually muscle tension in my neck pulling at my head and scalp. I have a few connections missing when it comes to my scalp and facial muscles, so my face itself tends to be tenser than normal just to keep a "neutral" expression instead of "frowning" all the time. (Turns out it takes me a lot more muscles to smile because those tendons/connections were cut! When I was 3-5 years old, age varying depending on when my parents have told me about it!)

The inflammation in my guts can cause the testosterone I take to not be able to reach my ovaries consistently due to the whole system just being overloaded, which means that this causes other problems with my sleep cycle, sanity, digestion, etc. Basically the whole ecosystem reboots after a few days and afterwards hormones start working again.

My headache pain meds are very effective when they're treating, specifically, migraine-like headache pain. But they also affect my mood and emotional stability. Which means, well, sometimes I have to cancel interactions with the rest of the world because I'm just that internally unregulatable. If the headache meds don't work then the pain itself causes me to be very critical or angry, because it's hard to feel other things when I'm feeling these ways.

Light is very hard to handle when the pain is bad in my head, and so I can't watch things all the time, or even be in a room with a decent amount of light in it.

There's some coping mechanisms I've developed, and some of them work well, and some of them require resources I don't have right now. For instance, there's no hot water in my house right now, and that means I can't take a hot shower, which is often very helpful for the temperature regulation. I've tried a cold shower and it just makes my muscles clench up. The opposite of what I need in that state.

What's the most frustrating for me is that I enjoy doing things for my family and for others, and I actually enjoy work. But in this state, I can't be reliable for anyone. I don't know when I'll find an equilibrium that makes it more workable. I know when my astrology says things open up, but that's it. Honestly, I think it'll take a hysterectomy to put my system where it needs to be, and I'd like top surgery while I'm at it. The hormones would work out a lot better without the stupid ovaries in there. The muscles would work better without the stupid extra chest baggage there.

I don't see much about trans health issues besides binders and basic hormone access. This condition complicates my life incredibly, and there have been many times that I have tried to expedite the surgery stuff only to have people get in the way with their needs and concerns instead of listening to mine. I just feel like I'm about to have a huge paradigm shift in my life, like this situation can't hold as-is, and whatever's on the other side is so drastically different that I can't imagine it yet.

Until then, I never know what the next day is going to be like, living inside this body that other people rigged up into a chemical bomb with their poisons.

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mtnkat3 · 2 years

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2.43pm

Grinning..

Yeah when I got into the shower earlier I started thinking about this post. But I have been going none stop since! I've put ~50 miles just for bloodwork & lunch. 🙄🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I started singing the air force song.. flying high into the sun... & then giggling. As I used to know all of them, ranks for all, & a lot of ribbons too. Only can remember green E right now. Sigh. But I realized how much a nerd I am!

One of the new regional eatery places that's opened up is in the main flight path for a municipal airport so while everybody else there is oblivious.. I'm staring at jets all the way down to single prop Cessna's coming in! Close enough watching them deploying landing gear! I love it! Course it also reminds me of C.A.P. & then high school. Sigh. Memories.. & goals!

And then remembered while at the pizzeria today. [Half the bread, 4 fries & all the meat! Good kat!😁]

that as much as I detest the mark of the beast the cgm is to me.. when I'm asked about it I stop whatever I'm doing & talk to the person. People wanna know, they're scared & if I can help with my own experiences belay their fears then I will.

It's very simple, 1 poke, 10 days of wear, & 288 tests [every 5 minutes] in 24hrs vs the 4 test strips insurance allows with regular meter usage. It gives the wearer more knowledge & control over their eating habits.

Heck, it's showing me just how much stress affects blood sugar! When I saw endo after my sunburn/poisoning in August, they could see my shoulders, arms & toe. They reminded me of this. Stress effects ABSOLUTELY freaking everything! Blood sugar, pressure, heart rate, breathing, etc. Like D'oh t! I knew, I grew up around people that lost vision, toes, even life. Because remember.. too much sugar in the blood stream. Heck, it's affect is on psoriasis too! And since mine is mainly on my face, neck, & ears I see the evidence in the mirror & can't do a dang thing about it but to watch my food & stress. And yes, not eating also causes blood sugar to rise. The body thinks it's in starvation mode & that's where gut eright comes in. Until that has gotten as far ad the body is ok with then goes to other areas. Me, its trunk. A bit of cellulite arms & legs. But I have the "fat that kills."

Why do I talk about all this stuff?

So anyone that has questions or needs to know these things doesn't feel alone.

It sucks to have the alphabet soup.. pcos, ibs, complex headaches, dm2, cdk, psoriasis... "hyperactive immune system" allergies thru the roof!, asthma induced by allergies & more but. These are my trials.

And I bow to God's Wisdom & Grace.

He alone can Guide me to His healing. & Miracles!

And I can overcome all the mirade issues I have. It takes hard work, dedication & discipline.

I realized last night that I got depressed & lazy because of my circumstances.

Let's just say.. that put my hackles up. And really f*ckin pissed off Tijgeress. At me! I don't like that. At all. This is a huge part of my daily struggle, to fight what I am around.

To be the woman that I am. The one that doesn't go out without brushing hair, teeth, washing face, at least sponges bath, & putting on "public clothes" & showing that I care about myself.

I have gotten to the point that I rarely wear makeup though. It bothers my skin. And I even tried Its cosmetics 'Bye Bye' moisturizer! It felt heavy to me. People gonna just see my rosy complexion & lip balm. Unless I feel fancy like..🎶 grinning. Right now though.. Levi's & tees.

Long haired country girl with a lead foot. Shoulda seen me driving though! Windows down, radio jacked up, hair flying everywhere & flying the currents.. grin. That's me.

I am me.

I'm a nice woman to everybody I encounter. And I had to tell myself when I saw what looked like a traffic accident & grass fire while driving 80mph in a clump of cars that I saw the drivers, & they were mobile. And that emergency personnel had been called. But I feel like shit. I should've turned to get there & helped. Sigh.

Yes. That's me too.

Did I ever say I'm not complex?🤨🤔🤓🙄🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Anyways.. that's been my day.

I know most think I'm crazy, treating this like my diary. But I'm not. Well no more than the next empathetic, infj, overthinking, marshmallow hearted woman! Lmao! Yeah.. ok. I'm unique! 😁

Anyways! I do this so wherever & whomever the heck my soul's mates are.. he knows what's happening in my life! Well I mean I think knows more than these writings.. that's my gut, intuition & soul's feelings anyways. So I write to my loves & I write to help others. Otherwise... crickets. There are days when I talk to my cat & have to clear my throat because I haven't spoken in so long! Lol!

Now that the chauffeuring is done.. back to work! I gots plenty of both daily chores & tasks to my goals to get done!

Discipline & sacrifice t. Not to mention life goals. And making God happy to have Created me! And that He will Bless my life by the work I do in His Name!

If that won't move my butt to swishin nothing could! Grinning.

Yes. I'm in a good mood today!

I was able to take a hot shower & not trip!😎 I feel better about myself for every righteous thing I accomplish!

Motivation.

Yes, as I look out at my huge pine & other trees, seeing the sunlight, listening.. I feel better. I much rather go out into the forest & not hear people but be rejuvenated by nature!

Yes. I love planes & flying too!

Yep. Right now.. put me in as hot tub to soak my bones then stand in the cold air & watch the goose pimples! I think that would energize my butt! Lmao!

Ok. Deep breath. Gotta get back to it.

Wherever & whomever the heck You are!

I freakin love & adore you!

And I miss you so badly I'm ready to scream, roar, hiss, growl, & shout down the mountains.. that I could fly my Phoenix wings to you!

So. God Knows. And I believe you do too.

I pray to get my life right so I am made aware, more than my senses.. so that I am face to face with you. Sharing breath.. heartbeats.. drowning in your eyes. You are everything to me. And I'm sick to death of being separated from you!

Daughter... patience.

Bowing my head. Yes Father.

Deep breath. Focus. Calm. Breathe. Relax. Get my butt moving. Repeat.

I will not ever give up.

I believe. In God. In Love. In us.

I work as I move my butt & await.. God. & you.

~True love never dies & true love always waits.~

Your faithful complex warrior queen daughter.

~Tijgeress kat Phoenix. 🌺

👩🤓⚓🙏🙇‍♀️💡☔🌂🔗⛓🧰⚙⚒🛠⚔⚖🗽🦅🥧🍁🧣🥾🍎🥤🍋🥮🍯🍼☕🍫🍑🍒 🐯🐾🐐🦉🐢🐛🦋🌱🌺🌹🌻🌷🌳🧶🧵 ⌚⚡🌠🗝🔱⚜💝🐻🦌🧩♠️♾🎯🧭🕯🎶💋

Fr.10.21.2022 4.01pm est.

Yeah.. "love is in the air", usaf anthem, No Body by Blake Shelton.. bunches of goodies today! Makes for happy kat! 😎🥰😁🎶

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