#-monster who can't feel emotions and only gets joy out of abusing others
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as someone who has experienced abuse from someone with a personality disorder, it's actually incredibly easy to not dehumanize everyone with a personality disorder. i've seen people do borderline eugenic rhetoric surrounding people who have npd, aspd, bpd or other personality disorders, and then be like "I'M allowed to say these things because i'm a survivor, and if you disagree you are hurting abuse victims."
and frankly? i'm tired of it. as an abuse survivor i'm here to say that you're NOT allowed to turn into a fucking eugenicist the moment you're hurt by someone with a personality disorder.
does hurting and belittling other people who happen to have the same disorder as your abuser, people that are already suffering and that are already looked down on by society, bring you any healing? does it bring you peace?
Being hurt by someone isn't an excuse to hurt others that you feel justified in lashing out on. you're literally in control of your own actions,
you may claim to be making a safe space for abuse survivors, but i will never feel any solidarity with you, and i ESPECIALLY don't feel safe with you considering i might have a personality disorder.
you are excluding a large amount of abuse survivors in the name of "advocacy". a lot of people with personality disorders developed one or multiple due to heavy abuse. in the aim of creating a safe space, you are excluding the ones who need a safe space the most.
#npd#aspd#bpd#avpd#ocpd#hpd#spd#ppd#dpd#stpd#trauma#abuse mention#ableism#abuse survivor#i'm sorry this is so rambly i'm tired AAAAAA#i wish i was better at articulating my points bc i have so much to say on this😔#i've felt this for awhile but felt to make this after seeing a particularly bad post that claimed everybody with npd and/or aspd is a-#-monster who can't feel emotions and only gets joy out of abusing others#if you think THAT'S bad i'm leaving out MANY details from the post that i don't want to get into#personality disorder#max speaks
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the twist of a knife
"I am the knife. I am all blade.” -Clementine von Radics
falling down symbolism rabbit holes isn't really my bag. unless it's laid out for the audience in crystal-clear terms that "yes, X was indeed meant to mean Y" (by the writers or the script itself), I don't dedicate much mental energy to those elements in my fiction.
but something about that knife- the visceral image of Pete gripping it by the blade for dear agonizing life was haunting me. I kept circling back to the opening conversation on the bed, and the moment where Vegas' rage went up in smoke- and again, that knife. then it hit me.
like knives forged just so, no one can hurt Pete or Vegas quite like they can. and not just because of their mutual vulnerability, their love, for each other- like @ellaspore said to me, how deep they get under each other's skin.
it's their fundamental struggles, their shame, who they are at their core: if people can be 'made' for each other, Vegas and Pete were also made just so to perfectly hurt the other.
the first blow came from Vegas. lying together in the afterglow, of all the things Vegas could say, he said: "you're just a fool." just four words- pretty benign-sounding, all horrible things Vegas has said before considered.
Pete didn't have some explosive reaction, either. and that makes sense- a quiet knife slipped between the ribs is too exact, too surgical for all that. instead, Pete turned his face slowly away from Vegas, suddenly lost in his thoughts- while Vegas, still grinning in lighthearted ignorance, followed his movement with his hand, stroking Pete's face. Pete's far away now, though, his gaze focused on the ceiling.
we start to see the damage when we cut back to Pete later. Pete- who just last episode was chastising Vegas for "being stupid" for hurting himself- now slaps himself in the face. "I don't like it. so why didn't I say no?"
the killing cut was delivered when Pete's worst fear- that all of this loss and fear and pain was for nothing- was confirmed by Vegas' attack. there was no righteous rage left in Pete, hollowed out by the realization that he "has nothing left."
in his compassion, in his curiosity about this wounded, broken man- he's afraid he's lost everything. who he is, what he stands for, his self-respect, his pride- he's been stripped bare. not just by everything Vegas has done to him, but by the depth of his feelings for him in spite of it all.
that one little phrase, those four little words from Vegas cut to the heart of Pete's fears: he's not only lost it all, some of those things against his will- but the rest was by his own submission. his own volition. the definition of a fool.
on the other beautifully-tragic side of the coin, Pete cut Vegas at his emotional knees in a way no one else could. even after abusing Pete, beating him, treating him so inhumanely- darkness can only run from the light for so long. Vegas found a sliver of genuine happiness just by having Pete in his sphere.
after a lifetime of wretchedness, of thinking this misery is all life has to offer, that there's no way out- Vegas' world started to crack open for the first time in that room.
seeing Pete completely lose his joy, his humanity, his will to keep going- and knowing that he was the one that caused it- was the only thing that could snap Vegas out of his rage. and it was the reality hitting of losing him that nearly broke Vegas. he is the monster- just like he always feared.
it's also not just the idea of ruining this man he's come to love- it's the ruination of hope. of a different way of living, existing, being. no one else could deal as deep of a blow- even though Vegas himself is really the one that dealt it.
and yet- and yet. just like the agonizing way Pete let that blade cut deep into his palm, invited it, even- they can't help but hold on to the sweet agony of their connection. even after freeing himself from his imprisonment, Pete is breaking apart. Vegas is leveled, shattered by his grief. they weep, they mourn- the cuts bleed.
sometimes, love is as much about grief as it is joy- to know that in a world that hurts so deeply, so frequently? the most vulnerable, aching parts of you are at another person's complete mercy.
that they hold your heart in their hands, and you can't just take it back. there's rage there, sometimes- shades of desperation, too.
horrible, beautiful, cruel, agonizing love- like the twist of a knife.
#kinnporsche#kinnporsche the series#kinnporsche ep 13#vegaspete#biblebuild#bible wichapas#build jakapan#kinnporsche meta#kinnporsche analysis#kp meta#tonanons#tuserfaiza#usernuria#userjap#tosnimeat#kp edit#vegaspete meta#kinnporsche*
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My opinion on Slenderman (INCREDIBLY OPINIONATED POST)
(If you guys are curious about my take on him, check out my post on Slenderman headcanons!)
Alright, I like to call myself a neutral person when it comes to stuff like this but GOD DAMN WILL I DIE ON THIS HILL. Slenderman is one of my favourite characters (Zalgo my love I love you so much), and one of the reasons why I like him is that there is genuinely speaking, NOTHING CANON ABOUT HIM.
It kinda confuses me about how black and white his characterisation tends to be. It's either he's your Dad who is currently yelling at Jeff for getting blood on the couch again, or he's the Heartless Narcisisstic Evil Monster who loves NOBODY and cares for NOBODY. I can deeply appreciate both sides, but claiming one over the other absolutely is kinda dumb.
In fact, trying to claim anything concrete about his character is a losing battle. There's nothing canon you can say about him; he has no backstory, he has no motivations for anything he did, he has no personality, he doesn't even really have a canon relationship with any of the Creepypastas. Sure, you can claim that what he did in Marble Hornets is a sign that he's evil and manipulative; but couldn't you say the same thing for, let's say Kyubey from Madoka Magica?
I don't know if he (Kyubey identifies as a male apparently) is a good example, but the point of Madoka Magica is that at the end of the day you can't call him evil. He's a completely different species with a different set of morals and therefore you can't just slap a 'PURE EVIL' label on him and walk on your merry way.
That's exactly how I feel about Slenderman. You can't call him evil and just walk away; there's so much more to him then that. You can say the same thing about Lord Zalgo, it's just so boring and typical to label them as 'Good' or 'Bad' and then just never try to write them in any nuanced way.
He has no backstory, there's no canonical reason for why he's doing any of this. Is he even aware of what's happening? Is he aware that what he's doing is bad? Is he just a nonhuman who is apathetic to the idea of human emotions? Does he have a good reason for doing all of this, at least, good in his mind?
I get so pissed whenever I hear the 'Slenderman is canonically evil' bs sometimes. Yes yes I get it he's not this wholesome father figure who'll provide for your every need like your own parents never did, but is that REALLY the only other option when it comes to how to portray him? Come on guys lets get creative! My own idea isn't all that creative; it's just a mixture of both versions tied into one, but I seriously wanna see some headcanons of him that aren't either:
Version A:
-Slenderman is cartoonishly bad at being a father figure, or he's just the background character. Some real 'JACK ARE YOU EATING ON THE COUCH AGAIN?!' Shenanigans.
Version B:
-Slenderman hates you. Slenderman will use his evil little powers to manipulate you into like idk being his slave or some shit and you should hate him because that's who he is. HE WILL BEAT YOUR ASS SO HARD THAT YOU WILL BLEED. HE HATES EVERYONE. EVERYONE HATES HIM. COLLECT HIS PAGES NOW.
Yes, he has done shit, but do you know why he did the shit? Do you know this dude personally? Has he literally come up to you and said 'Ahh yes I love abusing mortals it gives me so much karmic joy'. Deadass did Masky tell you that he beats his ass himself? The only thing he wants you to do is collect his pages.
Also don't misinterpret this post because I fucking LOVE AUs that make him into a villain but like in a good way that I absolutely adore. But why slander him for a version of him that doesn't exist? How on Earth do you a slander a character that has no personality? That's personally why Vocaloid Slander is weird as well; because these guys have got no canon personality.
Slenderdad does not exist. Slenderman the evil eldritch does not exist.
Slenderman does not exist.
That's why he's cool. Because he's basically the blankest of all blank slates, write him as whatever you want but don't claim that it's canon or 'realistic' or anything like that. I guess I can kind of see why you could say that evil Slenderman is realistic, but technically that's ALSO a headcanon. I don't believe his actual creator wrote him a personality beyond the fact that he kills people, and thats it.
Have fun with the guy, because he, alongside Zalgo, are characters where you can genuinely say anything about them and nobody can say you're wrong.
Anyways that's my rant post of the evening hope you guys enjoyed, make sure to smash that like and subscribe button >:3
Also feel free to debate with me in any way shape or form, this might be a terrible take and I'm open to changing my mind at any time in the future. This is just my current take on things.
#littlelady#creepypasta#creepypasta fandom#slenderman#zalgo creepypasta#slenderman creepypasta#fanon vs canon#I hate this fandom so much#I love it too#creepypasta headcanons#creepypasta rant#rant post#kyubey#madoka magica mentioned AYYYYY
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42, 49
42. Have you ever received a comment that particularly stood out to you for whatever reason?
Yes, many. Too many to mention, to be honest. I've been writing fanfics for over ten years now and I'm continuously amazed by how kind and loving my readers are.
Though I would like to highlight a certain type of comment that I've been getting more and more lately, more specifically since I started writing Who Holds the Devil. Because that fic, more than any of my others, seems to evoke a lot of emotions, reflection, and self-discovery in my readers. Never have I gotten so many comments telling me that reading a fic has fundamentally changed something within them.
It's been everything from realising how abusive their relationships have been to when to stand up for themselves to finally having a name for the panic attacks they've been experiencing.
Who Holds the Devil has made it completely impossible for me to ever doubt the impact my writing can have on people. Because, not going to lie, sometimes I do. Sometimes I feel like an introverted little weirdo, just sitting here, writing about people I want to see kiss. But it's so, so much more than that and nothing has made that more clear to me than the comments I get on Who Holds the Devil.
I'm both humbled and grateful every time I'm told that my writing has made someone realise something about themselves, especially when it involves their mental health, trauma, or just overall well-being. I'm not a therapist and I obviously can't offer any concrete help as such, but to help someone realise or admit to themselves that Something Is Wrong? That's still a very, very big thing. And the fact that I can? It will never not blow my mind.
So that's definitely a kind of comment that stands out to me and probably always will. The fact that I'm able to change people's lives with my fics is beyond astounding to me (and also a little bit intimidating, not going to lie, but not necessarily in a bad way?). And I'm truly grateful to every single one of you who has sent me comments like these. Not only is your bravery and willingness to share inspiring, but it gives me so much joy to know I've been able to help or make a difference. Thank you 💜
49. What are you currently working on? Share a few lines if you’re up for it!
Here's an excerpt from chapter 34 of Who Holds the Devil (though I might edit it slightly before it's posted xD):
Ga On looked down at the tumbler cradled between his hands, his thumb sliding along the smooth, curved edge. He could see his reflection, slightly distorted, in the surface of its content.
"Don't ever do that to me again."
A beat passed, tense and loaded, before Ga On looked up at Yo Han. The silence within the study was deafening — unwieldy — and Ga On could see the slight hint of hesitation on Yo Han's face. It was subtle, barely there, mingled with something that could be regret.
Ga On realized why Yo Han didn't answer right away.
"Intentionally," he added. "Don't intentionally do something like that to me again."
It would be just like Yo Han to make a difference between the two which, in all honesty, was beyond tragic. Yo Han didn't trust himself to not accidentally manipulate the people around him, to the point where an agreement had to be formulated with that in mind. He didn't want to give anyone false hope or make promises he couldn't keep.
It was moments like these that made it obvious that, somewhere deep down, Yo Han still saw himself as a monster. Someone who couldn't be trusted to be around people. Someone who might end up hurting those he cared about, without even meaning to.
Someone dangerous, vicious, and hurtful.
And for the first time in a long while, as much as he hated himself for it, Ga On almost agreed.
Yo Han didn't hesitate this time.
"I promise."
Questions for fic writers
#Amethystina Does Ask Memes#Anonymous#Who Holds the Devil#I do genuinely mean it about the comments#It blows me away just how important Who Holds the Devil has become to people#I never expected that#I don't feel qualified for this x'D#But I am happy to help#And I'm glad that fic can give so many people hope and comfort#I love you all 💜
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“Promise”
Why can't you just… Promise ?
Today's goal is an in-depth look at one of the most beautiful and breathtaking episodes of She-ra: "Promise"
Storywise, it's incredibly important to the series, and focuses entirely on Catradora. It's the first time since Adora left Catra behind to seek out the sword that the girls really have an opportunity to talk, and things are not going well. Both of them are royally pissed off at the other, with good reason.
For Adora, we're gonna deflate that proud hair poof of hers a bit, as we'll take an honest look at her as a person at this point in her life. And Catra... she's really guarding her feelings closely, as she's already deeply angry with Adora. But we will use the combination of Catra's younger self in the memories they see, plus looking at other times in the series that relate to this episode, where she was less guarded, in order to understand her as a person at this time. Also: warning: tl;dr, best enjoyed while cozy with a drink..
To get started, we skip to when they end up stuck together…
After Adora takes drastic measures to ward off the security spiders by collapsing the tunnel, the girls are now stuck together, and so… they talk...
We immediately see how incredibly irritated they are with each other as Adora chides Catra for being in the Crystal Castle, since the monsters will continue to attack them as long as she's protecting Catra… only to have Catra retort that she didn't ask for protection. Some snippy bickering back and forth happens, then...
Adora asks: "Does Shadow Weaver know you're here?" Very deadpan assertion from Adora. She knows Catra must be disobeying orders, she just doesn't know why.
"I'd say Shadow Weaver has bigger problems right now". Catra is already starting her move against SW back at the Horde. With SW abusively blocking her every move within the Horde, and now that Catra knows that SW was going to mind wipe Adora, Catra has decided she must deal with her abuser.
Adora puts on her telltale sideways grin, and Catra chafes at Adora's flirtation, saying "I told you it's not because I like you” downplaying Adora’s suggestion that this was the reason she let her go. Catra freely admits here that she does like Adora, but it's not the real reason she did it. Still, Catra doesn't explain further, and we see later that Catra often lets Adora explain away her actions this way... but that Adora constantly misses the deeper truths.
"Where are your new best friends? I thought you did everything together". She's very snarky and dismissive of Adora and her flirting. She's mad about Adora leaving her for her new life.
"The ones you let SW imprison and curse?" Adora is angry at Catra for what she did, which was a sudden escalation of things by Catra.
"Yeah obviously, what other friends would I be talking about?" An obvious dig at Adora for leaving her, everything behind. She deadpans this, staring back plainly. Catra is obviously really angry at Adora... while Adora is legitimately mad at Catra for doing something so nasty to Bow and Glimmer...
::Let's take a moment to talk about Catra's feelings about Adora's new friends: Catra feels horribly betrayed by this. Adora completely tossed her aside, and replaced her with Bow and Glimmer. What comes to mind is at the end of Sea Gate, Catra is thrown in the water and then looks up at Adora, who is celebrating and cuddling with Bow and Glimmer. Catra is emotionally forlorn watching this, as Scorpia comes to drag her off to safety, Adora doesn't even look back towards her.
She's forgotten, Adora showed no love towards her at all in that scene (and then hardly any at Princess Prom, either). Adora ignored her plea for her to return, she didn't reach out to Catra at all. And now she watches her cuddle with her new friends: everything Catra thought she had with Adora meant nothing, and she's been replaced with these feel goodie goods who are fawning all over Adora.
Suffice to say, Catra couldn't do this, she's got way too many issues with emotional intimacy and touch aversion. So she watches Adora, seeing that what she offered her wasn't good enough, knowing because of it she's forgotten. Catra was trying really hard to be a close friend to Adora in spite of her issues, but as we will see, Adora wasn't trying to understand what was going on with Catra. And because of this, Catra was too afraid to express her affection openly, and yet here's Adora... accepting all of Bow and Glimmer’s love, for which Adora really did nothing to earn. Adora took Catra’s friendship for granted while ignoring her deeper needs, as will be explained, then completely abandons her, not even seeming to miss her. Catra is deeply hurt by the unfairness of this.
>Catra stares back at Adora, frustrated when she doesn't even acknowledge their lost friendship.
"Well, we don't need to go together. You do your weird little magic quest thing I'll find my own way out". Catra looks resentfully at the sword on Adora's back as she says this. Catra is laying down boundaries, except it's useless since they are trapped together. But, boundaries are important to Catra and as the episode progresses, Adora shows that she doesn't really understand Catra's.
>As they walk along, both girls' shadows loom equally tall. The symbolism is that in this story, both are equally important... it's also a shockingly beautiful sequence. (pic above)
After entering the room of infinite darkness, Catra tries to separate from Adora but the door is gone, they are stuck together. Weird things start happening. As the Fright Zone appears, both of them are confused. Adora decides to suspect Catra, after all, she attacked her friends. But as Adora grabs Catra, Catra is surprised and confused... Catra doesn't like being touched unexpectedly, Adora knows this but is ignoring that and attacking her. She gets treated as an enemy when she clearly hasn't done anything wrong, and it sets the tone for the two of them: Adora has constantly treated Catra as an enemy since the very moment she defected, not even trying to understand Catra's point of view. And so Catra increasingly emotionally distances herself from Adora. Catra angrily casts Adora's arm aside, not liking being vilified by her, and Adora doesn't understand why Catra is so upset. Catra slips away to explore, needing space from her.
The way Adora immediately suspects and then attacks Catra is symbolic to the whole episode: by defecting to the Rebellion, Adora chose to start treating Catra, and her entire unit, as enemies, backing it up with hostility. But Catra doesn't really agree that the horde is evil... in her experience, it's just how life is.
>The two girls, now separated, call out to each other. Adora hears Catra's call, then another: young Catra is behind her, looking lost and insecure. Catra joins Adora as their first memory has just begun…
~DISCLAIMER TIME~ A lot of information in She-ra is inferred by emotional context, so if this seems a bit head-canon-y, I assure you, I have data! Please ask questions and seek clarifications, I promise to answer back! ~EtheriaDearie
>A worried and hurt young Catra runs to young Adora's side. She is emotional and needs support. Adora checks her out then gets the real deal: Catra was in a fight with an adult. It hints that Catra always had to deal with people messing with her, even before SW began her abuse. This is a guess, but it's probable: this is likely a happy memory of the two of them right before the hurting began. Along with the "promise" memory and the moments immediately preceding their entering the Black Garnet chamber, these scenes set the baseline for what their friendship was like before Catra suffered SW’s abuse. Also, this memory is a happy one, and how Adora remembers their friendship: it was likely triggered by her memories. The next ones are not, as I believe they are triggered by Catra, who is trying to explain to Adora what was so painful about their childhood...
>Catra doesn't know what to expect when she shows Octavia to Adora. She probably expects Adora to try to apologize on her behalf, or to give her a hard time about what she did. Instead, Adora sticks with her friend and yells “Hey Octavia, you're a dumbface." This brings young Catra much joy, Adora is sticking with her, not passing judgement. The two young girls run together hand in hand, experiencing childhood bliss, but it doesn't last. The present versions of themselves return, holding hands...
They share a brief moment of connection before Catra pulls her hand away in anger. Adora is surprised at the strength of Catra’s reaction. They are not on intimate terms any more, in fact, I suspect they had been struggling for a while before Adora's defection. Adora doesn't want the moment to stop, but Catra does. It hints that the gulf between them is already wide.
"How can you deal with all this magic stuff?" Catra has a deep distrust of magic, as it was used in her abuse. She resents it, and throughout the series whenever anything magic happens that she doesn't see coming she gets creeped out.
"I'm only dealing with it because I need to figure out how to heal Glimmer after someone got her cursed." It's a valid criticism, but Catra deflects it.
"What do you want? An apology? You're not getting one." We don't get the full story on this moment until season 5 when a young Catra tells Adora she'll "never say sorry to anybody, ever." Adora doesn't like Catra just refusing to explain, and as Catra pushes her away, Catra is full of reproach at Adora's judgement.
::As an abused child, Catra was continuously vilified and abused by everyone but Adora. And when Adora would suggest she apologize throughout their lives, she can't understand why Catra won't. It comes down to literally everyone in the world judging Catra and being cruel. Not once did any of them apologize to her, even though she didn't do anything to deserve the abuse. Except Adora... but that has issues, too. In fact, SW literally tells her "I won't apologize" regarding her abuse of Catra. Can you imagine the hurt at that?
[pic caption: Catra refuses to apologize, Catra often shows her deeper emotions while blinking, in this case: the incredible pain she experienced from SW’s abuse.]
So no, Catra won't apologize, she had a thing she was trying to do by kidnapping Bow and Glimmer and taking her sword, and it ended badly. But she felt she had a good reason to do it: she wanted to force Adora to see her, to make her acknowledge how big of a part of Adora’s life Catra used to be. And it's not like anyone has been helping Catra, she's had to make every single decision on her own her entire life and live with the consequences.
Also, mistakes for Catra have an entirely different meaning than they do for Adora. Whenever Adora made a mistake, she was given an opportunity to fix it. This is a theme of their relationship: Adora expects Catra to let her fix her mistakes. But for Catra, she learned that any mistake she made was dangerous, as when she did make a mistake, SW would torture her for it. And if other people saw it too, they'd use it to perpetuate the notion that she's some kind of no good fuck up. So Catra is extremely careful to not make mistakes, and if she does, she tries to cover it up, distance herself from it. (note: this isn't the same as Catra's intentional rebellions against this system where she was unfairly targeted for abuse-). This is why Catra simply cannot forgive Adora easily for breaking her promise: in Catra's world, she had to be perfect, or she could have been dead by SW's hand. She wasn't allowed to make mistakes like Adora is, she is what is clinically known as 'hyper vigilant' and always preparing for the worst. And so she applies this standard to be perfect all the time to Adora, and therefore she won't give Adora the same license to make mistakes with their friendship. Catra thinks Adora should know better, and see the consequences of her actions.
>Adora lets it go: when Catra seems to shut down, Adora does her best to try to accept her. Adora tries a different track. She asks Catra why she let her and Glimmer go when SW had them imprisoned, when it could have resulted in Catra getting in trouble. Catra walks ahead, trying to distance herself from having to answer. But the magic of the Crystal Castle intervenes: as Adora slips and begins to fall, Catra saves her. It's a symbolic moment: Catra has always tried to protect Adora, to save her from pain. It's why she changed course to give the sword back to her, partly.
"Did you really think I'd just let SW erase your memory like that?"
"I don't know. Probably." Adora shows such little understanding of their friendship. It shows Adora really is thinking of Catra as an enemy, not as the complicated person stuck between protecting her friend, and the cruel necessities of her life.
Catra looks at Adora with disappointment. "Yeah, well, you never did have too much faith in me." Adora tries to understand Catra's emotions, fails.
"Huh, can you blame me?" Ouch. Adora smiles at Catra, trying to show love for her roguish quirks. But it just shows how little Adora understands: she is repeating a negative stereotype of Catra that everyone in their old life believes and perpetuates. And Adora should know better, instead of just assuming the worst about her. That persona is one which Catra uses to protect herself, partly from her own emotional feelings, but also as a necessity to protect herself from SW. She had to act like she doesn't care, doesn't try, so SW wouldn't see her power.
"Psh, not really." As Catra turns away, again she deadpans this but you can see pain and disappointment leaking past her indifference.
As she walks away she trails her tail across Adora's hand, flirting and drawing Adora's attention to her butt. It's a cute little moment of telling a truth to counter the lie: 'Adora, you should know me better, and also, I like you.' Still, it's only a half truth: Catra couldn't let SW win because SW is Catra's true enemy. But, Adora takes the flirtatious hint, as always. She accepts it and doesn't dig deeper.
Catra asks Adora about their childhood, trying to understand how Adora could just throw it all away. Adora gives a very direct and impassioned speech, she looks Catra in the eyes, trying to convince her and make her understand why leaving was the right thing to do. Catra hides her emotions, weighing Adora's answer. She doesn't agree with her sentiment, in Catra's experience good and evil are relative and exist as such everywhere. Also, she's right: we meet many people in the Horde who aren't evil. And Adora's finding the sword is one giant sinister manipulation by Light Hope. Moral grayness is a constant theme in this show. Still, this isn't really why Catra chooses to stay with the Horde.
Adora sees her explanation failing to convince Catra, so she tries reminding Catra of their deeper friendship, telling her she misses her too. Catra is temporarily taken aback at being called out before remembering to deny it. She tells Adora to get over herself, and Adora tells her she won't stop until Catra says she likes her. They flirtatiously rough house, and Catra smiles during it: yeah, she does. But she denies it anyways.
::Adora often tries to be respectful of Catra's personal space but is making an exception here: she's telling her that she finds her desirable, and if Catra wanted it, they could be together. Adora can't understand why Catra feels the need to resist this, but she knows doing it helps her friend feel wanted. Still, this shows how casually Adora views their attraction.
Yes, they should be together. And actually, they had an unspoken agreement that they would be. But Catra's not going to open herself up to that just to serve her desire. She wants more from Adora, for Adora to show her that she really does see her, and cares about her. If she did, maybe Catra could open up about some of her pain. Being intimate without doing that would be impossible, and so far Catra's life still isn't safe enough to risk her feelings. Adora's promotion could have meant the beginning of something new between them, where they worked together to build a more secure future together where Catra didn't have to be fearful all the time. But instead, Adora left her.
So begins the second memory. The two girls, now teenagers, compete against each other in sparring. It's clear they are flirting, and neither is fighting all out. When Catra taunts Adora by putting her finger to her forehead, she shows how much better she is at fighting. She full heartedly laughs, Adora enjoys this and then throws a purposefully weak strike to restart the fight. When Adora seemingly turns the tables through brute force, Catra plays hurt to exploit Adora's naiveness. As Adora tries to show concern, Catra turns the tables back. She wants to teach Adora a lesson: that not everyone will play fair, as Catra knows all too well from SW's abuse. But Lonnie interrupts her. Catra doesn't appreciate this and makes quick work of Lonnie, showing just how good she is. Adora attacks, getting the predetermined win. Catra doesn't enjoy the beat down but accepts Adora's help up. She heads to Lonnie as Adora receives compliments from their commander.
As Catra confronts Lonnie, she tells Catra "you were playing dirty, I was just leveling the field". Catra will hear these words again when she leaves Adora behind in frustration near the end of the episode. They are significant: these are stereotypical views forced on Catra, and those views ignore that Catra was just doing something she felt was important: teaching Adora about the harsh realities that exist in the world. Real enemies don't play by the rules, and will be unpredictable.
As Catra’s anger rises at this, Adora puts her hand on Catra's shoulder to calm her down, then compliments Catra on her fighting skills. Catra ever so casually tosses the comforting hand aside. She's saying 'I can handle my emotions without your help, but thanks for asking.' As she tells Adora she let her win, Adora tries to tell if Catra really is ok.
Thus starts one of cutest exchanges between the two of them: as Catra tries to explain why she lets Adora win, Adora puts on her sideways 'you like me' grin while she playfully denies that Catra let her win. Catra gives a very animated and obviously made up explanation about not wanting to have people expect things from her. Adora grins along, and halfway through her lie Catra leans in, staring at Adora's lips before looking up into her eyes. Once again, Catra is undoing a lie by telling a truth: she let her win because she likes (loves) her. But it's only a half truth, once again...
Adora accepts the explanation, keeping her sideways grin: 'it's so cute how you like me'. Catra's explanation done, Adora moves on, wanting to catch up with their unit. Catra lets her do so while excusing herself. As Adora leaves, a huge amount of meaningful information passes across Catra's face…
First, Catra feels bad about having to lie to Adora, and it shows. Then, as Adora leaves to socialize, disappointment and rejection shows: Catra had hoped Adora might look deeper, and try to see the deeper truth. As Adora turns away and leaves we see a look of total love and adoration on Catra's face. She really, really loves Adora. She's the light of her life, a real idiot no doubt but Catra will always love her for exactly who she is.
The girls remain their younger selves as the rest of the memory plays out, Adora staying to accept praise while Catra separates to deal with her internal feelings which Adora always fails to see: the hurt and aloneness she feels.
>A frustrated young Catra cries, expressing her repressed emotions. It would be easiest to assume she cries because she's sad about losing, but we have to look ahead to the next memory to find the real truth.
Catra is sad because she never had a choice. SW took that choice from her, and while Catra is happy to let Adora win because of the love she feels for her, it hurts that she never really got to decide. And Adora doesn't see that, doesn't see the pain Catra is bearing, hiding. And so she cries for that, too. The one person who should love her doesn't really see her. As she looks up in the mirror to see herself, since no one else in her life seems to see her pain, she sees her present tearful self looking back. The pain of the past is real in the present, and while she's older now and won't let herself give in to tears, she feels the pain as she did back then. (pic 1, below) She sees the tears and it snaps her back to her present self, totally unnerved by the simulation as the security detects her and attacks. A fearful Catra screams, wanting help, wanting Adora.
>Adora snaps back to herself, having been participating in the replay of the memory post Catra excusing herself. She tries to run to help Catra, full of worry. She sees a terrified Catra trapped by the spider. As the spider begins to drag her away the two girls lock arms, trying to free Catra. But it's too strong, and as we see their grip start to slip, Catra looks to Adora wanting, pleading for help. As Catra is pulled away, Adora feels helpless, knowing she couldn't help her friend. She thumps her head in frustration that she wasn't there for Catra.
The scene speaks to an obvious truth: Adora has never quite been there enough for Catra. She's always less present, less aware of Catra's reality than she could have been. But since Catra was experiencing a painful memory when this happened, her reaction shows her vulnerable emotional state, and so she called out for help: Catra just wants to feel safe, for Adora to be there to help her. But she wasn't.
>As Catra is dragged away, she feels helpless, and calls out mournfully for Adora. But she's long gone; Catra is alone and scared, as usual. She screams out her frustration, the realization that she’s never gotten the help she needed, she always ends up alone. She cries tears for the suffering and anguish she feels from that. (pic 2, below) It’s a moment that shows us the real inner Catra: She feels deeply, whether it be her desire to be seen, loved by Adora, or the fear she feels in this moment and others. She tries her best to act confident in herself, but it's a lie: she needs support, yet is left behind by everyone, including Adora. She was willing to bear her pain for Adora's love, but she has become increasingly aware of how tenuous that really was growing up.
>Catra digs deep, like she's always done. She will handle this, won't take the abuse lying down. She shifts her mentality to being the survivor, the person who has survived years of abuse. She frees herself and gets to her feet, accessing her foe, determined to defeat it. She attacks, using her anger to deal damaging blows, seeking to destroy her enemy, to make sure she survives. She stands back, confident she's won, proud of herself for it. She doesn't quit, she always perseveres against those who want to destroy her. (pic 3)
Adora shows up, finishing the monster. Catra doesn't drop her mentality, this person who has lived a separate life from Adora and survived on her own, doing the hard things like winning fights and resisting Shadow Weaver's abuse.
Adora walks forward, seeing Catra's anger, determination. She looks blankly, trying not to upset Catra. She's trying to get a read on Catra but not having any luck, so she's being cautious. She asks if Catra is ok, casually pulling webbing off Catra's shoulder, trying to exist in her physical space without upsetting Catra further. "I had it" says Catra, not dropping her fighter stance, mentality at all. Catra is very much feeling the aloneness of her life from everyone, including Adora.
Adora tries to casually put aside Catra's assertion that she had it, she smiles diplomatically. She tries again to touch Catra, to break down her animosity and get her to calm down. It doesn't work. "We need to make sure we stick together from now on." As Adora touches Catra, she tenses, uncomfortable. Catra has strong touch aversion, and Adora knows this but she also knows doing it sometimes helps Catra shift her mentality, so she's trying to get Catra to connect emotionally, to get her to accept care.
"Will you stop telling me what to do?" An exasperated Catra says. We see a look of total dismay cross Adora's face. She's not understanding why Catra has so much animosity in this moment. (pic below)
As Adora looks at Catra, she hunches her body, looking misunderstood and isolated. Adora has consistently failed to see Catra's emotional states and so Catra is feeling more and more apart; that the mentality of the survivor she's feeling now is the right one. Adora didn't really help her at all growing up, and she doesn't see her for who she really is, either. Adora always took the easy explanation, like saying that Catra did things for her because she liked her. Never looking deeper, trying to see her struggle. And so Catra doesn't drop her combative pose, she stays in it because she feels in control, less vulnerable.
As for the words "stop telling me what to do", that's an essay in itself but consider: just now Adora became frustrated when she lost Catra, and now tells her they need to stay together. But they didn't, they never did, and even when they are together Adora is no real help to Catra. So she reacts in anger to Adora trying to direct her. After all, in the next scene we will see that Adora leads Catra into danger, and then doesn't really help her as she gets abused. Adora is no great leader, not according to Catra's experience.
::Adora is having a total loss, here, as she tries to understand Catra, why she's angry at her: It's because she has never really known this 'survivor' side of Catra. Adora wants to comfort her and calm her down, but Catra isn't having it. I think this is when we first see Adora begin to realize that there is something is very wrong with her friend that she has completely failed to see, and she's deeply worried by it. (pic 2)
[pic cation: Adora can't read Catra's emotions, Adora realizes Catra is deeply angry. Outside SW’s chamber, Adora wants to take Catra’s hand.]
Adora loves Catra, but can't seem to get through to her: Catra is holding herself apart from Adora. Again, Catra pushes Adora's hand aside, frustrated. She expresses her exasperation at the situation, saying she's sick of what's going on. Adora follows along, confused. As Catra seemingly purposefully leaves her behind, Adora demands to know what Catra's problem is, saying that she was trying to save her. Catra looks down at her confrontationally, frustrated with Adora's lack of vision. "For the last time, I don't need you to save me. I've been doing just fine on my own. No thanks to you." Uh oh.
The words "no thanks to you" are especially cutting. Adora has totally failed to see the struggles Catra had all her life, she didn't understand the hurt and abuse Catra was fighting against. And so Catra did it all on her own, protecting herself and trying to remain strong. Her love of Adora might have helped her have hope, but fundamentally Catra overcame the abuse by not giving up on herself, believing she had worth, and not letting others tear her down.
Adora runs to Catra's side, taking her arm in one hand. Feeling her friend becoming increasingly distant from her, Adora tries authentically telling Catra her feelings, hoping to make her friend see her desire to help and understand her. Adora explains that she's sorry for leaving and that she did it because she couldn't stand the war the Horde has pursued. Her next words are telling: "but I never wanted to leave you". 'Want' is an important word in this series, and it comes up again in season 5 when Catra asks Adora "what do you want, Adora?”. By choosing to leave the Horde, Catra feels that Adora wanted that more than she wanted what they had together. Also, promises are not something you're supposed to break over a 'want'. And Adora so casually breaking their promises makes Catra think she doesn't matter to Adora. It's not the truth, but this belief still determines her reaction in this moment. Even though Adora dearly loves Catra, including at this point in the story, she hasn't shown it in a way that Catra can see as meaningful. As Adora finishes saying this, Catra looks back, feeling alone and unwanted, seemingly thinking 'but you did leave me, Adora.'
Adora tries to appeal to Catra to join the rebellion with her. Then she says "I know you're not a bad person, Catra. You don't belong with the Horde." Catra must be thinking 'Ok so at what point did you become the authority on whether someone is good or bad, Adora?' Adora has shown no interest in understanding Catra's position, she treated her as an enemy without fail since she left her, literally in every single case including at Princess Prom when Catra was trying so hard to romance her. And Catra doesn't accept Adora's naive black and white view of the world. Think about it: when Adora defects she begins treating all Horde with hostility, including her dearest friend, she judges them all and doesn’t even try to see them as the complicated people that they are. So when she suggests Catra doesn't belong with the Horde, Catra looks back at her, feeling totally isolated from Adora. Even though Adora's plea is earnest, Catra declines it.
>As the next memory begins, we see Adora now has both hands on Catra's arm, she's desperately trying to hold on to her bond with Catra and show her desire to fix things between them. Catra doesn't drop her wary demeanor at all, and Adora looks lost and anxious over this as a young Catra runs by.
The memory starts out full of childhood innocence as the two of them play together. When the girls see that the Black Garnet chamber is open, young Adora remarks "we're definitely not allowed in there." Young Catra looks at Adora, seemingly asking if she wants to go in, trusting her. Young Adora runs off, and Catra follows her in. Yes, Catra participates in the decision, but she's not the one who runs towards the chamber, and that's important to what happens next.
A worried (adult) Adora looks to her friend who seems so distant, stoic. Anxiously, Adora tells Catra "You don't have to go in there." Adora knows what happens next is very bad, that this is a hurtful memory for Catra. As an unwavering Catra begins to walk towards the chamber, Adora looks down at Catra's hand. [pic above] She wants desperately to reach out and take it, to hold Catra back from this terrible moment, to tell her she's sorry for messing up. Adora knows now that she screwed up, that she's let Catra down, somehow more than she ever realized. She doesn't know what to do about it… she follows Catra inside.
The young girls explore, Catra touches the black garnet and gets shocked. Adora has second thoughts, she realizes they're trespassing.. but of course, SW returns, so they try to hide. As SW takes off the mask, Adora cries out, taken aback... young Catra looks at her in dismay. She's about to pay for Adora's mistake with a lifetime of suffering. Offended, SW tells them to "Get out!" but rethinks. She puts the mask back on, and decides to use this moment to instead abuse the girls and use the crime of their trespass against them. As SW tells Catra to stay, Adora turns around, seeing that Catra is caught, and she's scared for her friend. She really did make a poor decision, and as a highly empathetic person, what happens to Catra scars Adora, too.
Held powerless by magic, Catra tries to explain that they were just playing. SW's words to her set the stage for a lifetime of physical and psychological abuse: SW leans over her menacingly, telling her "Insolent child, I've come to expect such disgraceful behavior from you, but I will not allow you to drag Adora down as well." Again, it's not Catra who decided to go in, so it's really not her fault. SW disparages her and heaps blame upon her for Adora's bad choice, ignoring the truth.
Adora weakly tries to protect Catra, saying "SW, it wasn't her fault. It was my idea too." It's an understandable response, as they're just little kids. Still, Adora could have taken the blame for their trespass, since she led Catra inside. But it's about to get a lot more hurtful for Catra...
SW's voice echoes through Catra's head as she trembles in terror: "You have never been anything more than a nuisance to me. I've kept you around this long because Adora was fond of you but if you ever do anything to jeopardize her future, I will dispose of you myself. Do you understand ?" Catra trembles in fear, her eyes unfocused, the room empty but for SW menacing her. She's in a dissociative state, terrified and helpless. I think some people probably feel like this must have been a idle threat, but it isn't: SW abuses Catra many times after this for her mistakes. And the depiction of the dissociative state helps us understand just how damaging it was. While Adora seemingly goes on to not realize the importance of this memory, for Catra it is formative to her entire life.
Again, Adora tries weakly to stop what's happening, putting herself between them. She tells SW "please, stop" then looks over at Catra, full of concern. Running over to SW, she tells her "she didn't mean to". This is so hurtful, as young Catra is very smart. Catra knows Adora has blown it again, after all, what is it that she "didn't mean to" do when it was Adora's idea to trespass? Adora isn't getting the magnitude of the situation, and Catra is very much left to fend for herself.
SW then does a very insidious thing to Adora, a very directed abuse that's meant to work against her personality and empathetic reactions to others pain. She tells her "Adora, you must do a better job of keeping her under control. Do not let something like this happen again..." SW follows this up with years of manipulation to make Adora even more susceptible to abuse. But in this moment, SW again heaps the blame for Adora's mistake onto Catra, who did nothing wrong. For Catra, she comes to believe that what she did doesn't even matter, nobody cares what the truth was. Even Adora. But for Adora, the hurt goes deep as well. She made a bad decision, her friend gets hurt for it, and she never comes clean... instead, she's told she has to do a better job of controlling her friend, and that she has to be perfect so that it doesn't happen again. It's a deep and hurtful moment for Adora, just like it is for Catra. But the hurt is much less direct, and more sneaky. Nonetheless, Adora struggles with this moment, this abuse of her, in the most intimate and painful ways all throughout the series.
Young Catra watches on as SW completes her manipulation of Adora. For Catra, she's left with the feeling that nothing she does matters, she was blamed for something she didn't even do. And Adora seemingly took the easy out, spreading the blame. But she doesn't realize this moment is so insidious for Adora, that it attacks and manipulates her at her emotional need to help others. From this moment on, Adora is afflicted with a desperate fear that she can't protect others, and must lead perfectly so they don't get hurt. This internal conflict erodes Adora's self worth, and causes her great emotional pain throughout the series. Catra, instead, believes she is being told she has no worth, and isn't even allowed to make her own decisions. It's hurtful, and it's part of why she tensed so badly at Adora for trying to tell her what to do earlier. We see this realization cross young Catra's face: she feels forgotten in this moment.
We see the young girls walking away from SW's chamber, Adora with her hand around Catra's shoulder. This comfort is not enough... Catra really needed Adora to stand up for her there, to come clean, and she didn't. Trying to comfort her now seems hollow. As they flash to their present selves, Catra knocks Adora's arm aside in frustration, accusing her of needing to play the hero.
Adora responds, saying she was only trying to protect her. Catra's next words tell the real truth of their childhood: "You never protected me! Not in any way that would put you on SW's bad side!" Adora at first chafes at this statement, feeling like she did try to protect her, then crosses over to confusion at the strength of Catra's assertion. Catra is telling Adora she was blind to her pain. She wasn't there for her, and this is very much at the core of Catra's disappointment with Adora: the fact that she never stayed, never tried to understand. Adora let SW control her, make her ambitious, and so Catra was put to the side of that, and over time Adora grew apart from her. Catra’s exact words here are important: she says that Adora ‘plays’ at being the hero, yet always seemingly protected her status as the favorite, never standing up to SW and risking harm onto herself in order to save Catra from pain.
And so, the fact that out of seemingly out of nowhere, Adora decides to risk everything and defect in order to fight for people she doesn't even know, insults Catra. Adora abandons and consequently fights against her own people, leaving Catra behind, unilaterally treating her as an enemy. Never, in their whole lives, did Adora ever fight for Catra, only offering affection afterwards to make up for the cruelties that happened to Catra. So no, Catra doesn't want Adora to save her, or her sympathy, when she seemingly cared so little about her pain. Adora was no hero to her.
Now an obvious question might be: if the manipulation is that Adora is supposed to protect and control Catra, then shouldn't she have had to see SW abuse Catra for it to work? The first part of the answer is that it was never really about that, once the idea was put in Adora’s head, SW used it to manipulate her further into a mentality where Adora would accept praise, promotion on her path to becoming a force captain.
The other is that when someone is being hurt like Catra was in that moment... if the one person in the world who is supposed to get it doesn't get it... then it becomes very hard to ever bring it up to them again. It's a specific type of hurt and abandonment: for Catra, she goes on to believe that this is her burden, that somehow she alone is supposed to learn these hard lessons. And so she doesn't tell Adora about the abuse. Also, keep in mind that they are small children, and Catra doesn't want Adora to hurt like she does... so she's actually protecting her, in her mind. But the fact that time goes by and Adora never seemed to care, to stop and see Catra's pain, was very hurtful to her. And Catra’s feelings of betrayal at Adora’s not seeing the hurt are justified: in episode 1, we see Adora watch SW menace Catra, then happily run off to accept her promotion, only remembering to check on Catra as an afterthought. Catra needed Adora's support, and never really got it.
[pic caption: (left to right) Adora’s apparent willful ignorance of the abuse.]
So Catra believes she learns these hard lessons so Adora won't have to, but is left alone in her pain. This also means that SW specifically abused Catra at times and in places so Adora wouldn't be aware, which again, tells us it was never really about making Adora responsible for Catra's decisions. No, the reasons were much darker, and Catra bore it all alone.
The girls flash to their younger selves, and Catra accuses Adora: "Admit it, you love being her favorite." Catra is telling Adora that she was disappointed and hurt that Adora kept accepting praise and privilege from SW, after that moment when she so clearly should have seen how SW abused her, and the maliciousness of the death threat. In Catra’s mind, Adora could have rejected SW. As painful as it is for a small child to be without any parents, it would have been the right thing to do, for Catra. SW was no good to Catra, and they could have shared the pain of being orphans who only had each other, but instead Catra ended up bearing all of the abuse while Adora was given privilege.
Adora denies this assertion, and yet she did accept the privilege SW offered her. Catra's next words show how ignorant Adora was to the realities of their lives as they flash back to their present selves: "Oh yeah? When you left, who do you think took the fall for you? Who was protecting me then ?" Catra bore all the abuse and punishment for Adora's leaving, and Adora wasn't there to see it. Catra did this bravely for Adora, in fact, up until before Princesse Prom, Catra did everything she could to cover for Adora, just like she asked, protecting her, hoping she'd come back to her. But Adora shows no understanding at all for what Catra went through, she didn't even think about what must have been happening to her. Adora has never taken the time to think about how her actions affect Catra's life.
Adora counters, suggesting that Catra could leave the Horde, and therefore get away from SW's abuse. Catra just glares back at her, disappointed. Catra knows running from the abuse won't solve anything.
::What this comes down to is a totally different understanding of the world. For Adora, she thinks she became a hero for leaving the Horde, and becoming She-ra. She doesn't realize she was lucky to fall into the situation she did, with Bow and Glimmer helping her gain acceptance and protecting her. She's totally unaware that the reality that her becoming She-ra is a manipulation born out of evil intent. For Catra, she's always known that the world is harsh, and that bad people exist who will try to destroy you. She's not afraid to fight, she's had no choice learning these harsh truths. It's a jaded view that negatively affects her perceptions of people, but it prepares her for the worst, and so she relies on it. So when Adora suggests she run from it, she rejects her as naive. They flash back to their younger selves after Adora suggests Catra can leave like she did, and Catra accusingly points out that she doesn't need to follow Adora around. That they're children is relevant to the previous memory where Adora led Catra into danger, and then didn't protect her. Catra isn't interested in following Adora blindly after she's put her in danger so badly in the past.
Flashing back present selves, Catra tells Adora she doesn't want to leave. As she says this her face conveys her anger at the world, her drive to face SW instead of flee. She says "I'm not afraid of SW anymore, and I'm a better force captain than you ever would have been." Let's take this in parts: Catra won't run from her abuser, she's already planning to take her down. Doing so is important to Catra, as it fixes her world in an important way. And that Adora can't see this just shows how far apart they are now. In Catra's mind, Adora was supposed to stay, and as they rose to power together, they would have supplanted SW, fixing Catra's world. The two of them would have been stronger in the end. But Adora did leave, so Catra impatiently tries to get Adora to see that she won't just run away. If Adora doesn't want to help Catra overcome this evil, then she'll do it on her own.
Her disappointment in Adora for abandoning this fight is apparent, what comes to mind is when Catra calls Adora weak in the Sea Gate episode. And now Catra knows she's got the power to do this, she's a force captain, and if she can just find a reason to depose SW she knows she has the station and fighting ability to take her down. She always knew she could lead, but was happy to let Adora have success because she really didn't want that responsibility. So she points out her superiority, not to show that she's better than Adora, but to tell Adora she was blind to Catra's worth, and to be hurtful to Adora for abandoning her.
They flash back to their child selves: Adora looks at Catra, hurt and confused "You always said you didn't care about things like that." Adora is feeling hurt by the idea that she was unknowingly taking advantage of Catra, because Catra has seemily just told her she was lying.
Now, this next part is important, and it's important that we are seeing Catra's reaction as her child self: Catra looks sad and lonely as Adora finishes her question, and she's crying. Something adult Catra would never let herself do. So we're seeing a much more authentic expression of Catra's hurt and emotions than if it were her present self. What you need to understand here is that those emotions don't really match her words... Catra tells her "Well I was lying, obviously!" But her face says she's angry and hurt at Adora for not seeing her pain.
As she delivers those words her face is full of accusation and insult, she's being dramatic, something we will see Catra do time and time again. She stares down Adora, eyes scrunched up, showing Adora how betrayed she felt by her insensitivity. Then we get sadness, disappointment. Finally, we get a lonely kind of furious sorrow: all that time feeling alone and Adora didn't bother to understand is written on her face.
The tears are still flowing, but as she turns away they shift back to their present selves. Adult Catra looks totally alone, heartbroken.
Ok but how we REALLY know Catra isn't telling the truth is this: almost word for word, this moment exists in episode 1. ANY time you see that happen in this show, you need to look back to find the meaning of it.
>We will need to look in totality of this scene in episode 1: An excited Catra pounces on Adora, asking her what SW said. She sees the badge and takes it. Here's a funny thing, because we see Catra jump on Adora you might think Catra is always like this, she just comes into Adora's space as she pleases. But once Catra has the badge, we see no anger or jealousy. Just total wonder. She shows nothing but exuberation and happiness for Adora's promotion (pic 1, lower left fyi).
Catra knew this could be the turning point she's been waiting for, that Adora was due for promotion. And so she's jumping all over Adora, full of joy. We only see her attitude change once Adora tells her SW isn't letting her go on missions. And so, we can infer a lot of information from this...
Catra expected this moment to change their lives for the better. That Adora's rising in rank means freedom, the beginning of something new. Some many new things, in Catra's case. But Catra definitively shows us in this scene that she doesn't desire the success for herself. She only shows happiness for Adora, for them together, and she's ecstatic. (pic 1, fyi)
This, in Catra's mind, probably means the start of their romantic lives. If Adora is the force captain that brings them to victory, SW won't be able to just trample all over their lives. Catra can begin letting down some walls, maybe even let Adora pursue her romantically. If they're together, and Adora is on her side because of that, she becomes safe from her abuser. It's a much better outcome than trying to fight SW, but that's not how the story goes. No, Adora leaves her instead. How's that for emotional whiplash? All of these truths are laid bare in s3ep5, when we see Catra's perfect reality, when she and Adora are together romantically. Catra only wants to be safe and to be loved, but when Adora leaves her she loses trust in the goodness of Adora, and in people in general.
> Adora tells Catra she shouldn't be surprised she's been cut of of the mission because she's so rude to SW, to which Catra responds by calling Adora a people pleaser, then storming off in anger...
::Note, as this is important: Adora is taking SW’s side, and not Catra’s, which is entirely opposite of their early childhood memory of Octavia. It shows how Adora had started listening to the negative judgements others placed on Catra...
>Adora goes after Catra, finding her sulking on the roof. Catra is angry, betrayed by the world, at the injustice that SW is in her life. Adora asks "I didn't even think you wanted to be a force captain?" Catra tossed the badge at her, saying she doesn't. Then she folds her body up, holding herself. Adora sees this, but doesn't touch her. She's being careful to respect Catra's boundaries. But the anger Catra feels here isn't about being denied the chance to be a force captain, it's at all the hurt that SW has dealt her and continues to do so. And Adora doesn't see that, which disappoints Catra. But, she's unable to verbalize it herself, she is too insecure in her emotional vulnerability, so she lets it slide.
What we have here is two different instances of the same question with two different answers, but in both cases Catra is telling the truth. In episode 1, it's the truth that she doesn't care about being a force captain because of her love for Adora, and the promise, in her mind, that they will eventually be together. In episode 11, Catra then says she lied, and this now is also true: Catra did think about what she was going through, all the pain and sacrifices she made for Adora, which were done in the name of love. But Adora doesn't love her the way that Catra loves Adora, instead leaving her behind. And so now that Adora didn't ever see how excellent a person Catra actually was, how dedicated to her she is, and the pain she was willing to bear for her sake, it does matter. Because that's shitty of her, and so now Catra will survive on her own by her own excellence, her strength that Adora never stopped to see. So Catra is guilting Adora, trying to make her see how blind and unfeeling she is.
>Back to ep11: Catra tries to walk away from Adora, who desperately chases her, trying to understand why Catra is becoming so distant, wanting her to tell her what's wrong. She reaches out for Catra's shoulder in one last attempt to get Catra to talk, she knows touching Catra could maybe get her to be more open. But the truth is Adora has been far too easy on Catra, she needs to be more forceful if she wants Catra to talk, which she later comes to understand... she's been coddling Catra, and so Catra is allowed to wallow in her unhealthy mental states.
Catra takes Adora's hand, forcefully holding it away from her and delivering a hurtful line: "Why do you think I gave the sword back to you in the fright zone? I didn't WANT you to come back, Adora!" This hits Adora like a load of bricks, her dismay is evident. And it's all true, which is the sad part. Catra was already preparing to cut ties with Adora, as even by that point she had come to a realization, a decision: if Adora doesn't want to be with her, then she'll do it herself. She will do the hard things on her own.
She turns away from Adora, looking hurt and betrayed. And Adora is at a complete loss, she doesn't know this side of Catra, this part of her that has survived hardship all these years... she lets her leave, not knowing what to do.
Adora is then attacked by the security, which takes up her time. As that happens, we see memories only shown to Catra. Catra runs, emotionally overwhelmed as all the unfair judgements, the abuse, and hollow apologies ring out around her. All the years of frustration and sadness weigh on her, she tries to keep it together, lashing out at the holograms. She falls to her knees, fighting back emotion and trying not to cry, her inner, vulnerable self is near the surface, and she's trying not to break down in tears over all of the hurt she's had to bear...
… and then she hears soft crying...
She turns to see her younger, tiny self, crying. Then, a tiny Adora joins the tiny Catra. Unlike the other memories, Catra never flashes into her younger self, she just watches...
The tiny Adora pulls the blanket down, Catra hisses at her... Adora sits down next to her tenderly. And we finally get the promise, the two parts that Adora has so tragically broke...
Adora tells her "It doesn't matter what they do to us, you know? You look out for me, and I look out for you... nothing really bad can happen as long as we have each other." The tiny Catra looks at Adora, wanting to trust her, to believe in her. As she says the question, present Catra echos it: "You promise ?" This was a sacred moment that gave Catra hope as a young orphan, that maybe she would be ok.
And so, the present Catra echoes it. Adora tells her she promises, as the skeptical present Catra looks on. Tiny Catra is still sad, insecure... she hugs Adora, needing this. Adora suggests they go back out to play... and we see tiny Catra look at her, still afraid, reluctant, wanting to stay. But she decides to trust Adora, and so they walk out, holding hands. Then something unique happens. Tiny Catra stops to look up at her present self: note, this is entirely a unique moment in the simulation, it never happened in reality... and yet Catra is given this moment...
The innocent child stares up Catra, making her see her. It's a look full of meaning, it doesn't carry any specific emotion... only innocence. Catra is having an inner child moment. That most deep and innocent part of her, her vulnerable self who feels love, is communicating with her. It's asking her to see it's vulnerability, and it's pain. Catra sees this, all of the pain Adora has caused her, the breaking of the promise, the promise that this innocent part of her was holding on to desperately with hope. She is forced to acknowledge Adora's disloyalty to her, her carelessness. Catra is reflecting on how she did her absolute best to keep that promise, even after Adora failed to look out for her in SW's chamber. Catra was so loyal and so good to Adora all of their lives; she made sure Adora had a good life, and she played by SW's rules so Adora could be the chosen one, wanting to protect her. All in the hope that they would be together, and that their love was real. But Adora couldn't even do that much, she left her. And Adora doesn't understand her, she doesn't even seem to miss her.
[pic 9: Broken Promises, Catra’s inner child, The Hero goes Her Own Way].
Present Catra watches her tiny self leave, coming to the tough realization: that she's never been able to trust Adora, not really. Her love isn't reciprocated, not by her standards.
…. which makes Adora a deeply unsafe person to Catra...
Catra survived SW's abuse, learning to believe in herself, protect herself because no one else would. All while keeping this hope of love in her heart, this vulnerable core of herself that has tenderness and loves Adora, and needs love back. But, her need for love goes to such a deep vulnerability that giving in to it and then again being rejected or forgotten by Adora would simply destroy her. SW held the threat of death over Catra’s head her entire life, and Catra resisted it, got through it by being tough and trusting in herself. So now she sees she can't trust Adora: everything that happened since she left her behind, the fact that Adora always treats her as an enemy, that she seems to show no lingering desire for her, and doesn't even seem to miss her while replacing her with new friends, seems to confirm her worst fears. Fears that have been building over the years, starting when Adora broke their promise in SW's chamber, and then as Adora pursued her success while accepting praise and privilege from SW, ignoring the abuse Catra bore because of it. She decides she can't trust Adora. Love is a lie, a weakness. A weakness that could destroy her last bit of individuality, and belief in the world.
And so, Catra, The Survivor, makes the decision... in her mind it's the brave one, just like way back when and she decided to bravely stand up to SW's abuse and not let it destroy her: she will stand up to the threat that is the weakness of her love for Adora. Adora is selfish, she doesn't deserve Catra's love. She was stupid to believe that love was even possible, for someone like her… who has always been ignored, and told she is unworthy of praise or even existence. There's only one thing left for her to do: she will be alone, strong on her own, for herself.
Her gaze hardens... that part of her that has made sure she survived SW's abuse, and made sure she won fights when she was threatened, is now the decider. It will protect her from her vulnerability, and reject Adora for her. I suppose you might be confused as to what I'm referring, or maybe not... If you haven't had to fight for your life, whether physically, mentally, or otherwise, you might not know this side of yourself well. But we all have it, it's The Survivor. And while I knew mine would protect me, I didn't accept it as my real self, I didn't accept its necessary but vicious deeds as my own. This is very much how Catra is, and as the series goes on she puts this survivor in charge of more and more decisions, we watch her deteriorate as this part of her gets out of control, protecting her from darkness with more darkness. All the while her vulnerable inner self suffers, watching the horrible deeds and becoming more and more alone, desperate for affection.
>Adora is outnumbered, eventually ending up hanging from the cliff's edge by spider webs. She hears Catra return, dealing with the spiders. Adora looks up, hopeful because Catra has returned...
Catra saunters in. Let me say a few things before we go through this part: Catra is about to say a lot of things that aren't really true. They are instead meant to be hurtful to Adora, Catra is being intentionally mean. We shouldn't take her exact words as her authentic beliefs, because they're not... no, Catra is doing what she believes she has to so she can be apart for Adora, and be safe from her. The truth is, Catra needs to be away from Adora. She's too scared of the vulnerability that is her love for Adora, because Adora hasn't shown her that she cares. And she can't do that by defecting, no, she must stay with the Horde. It's the only thing she feels there is left for her to do.
Now, let's go through this: and heads up: I'm getting at something very powerful that's going on here that you may not have realized. This speech is, in fact, a heroic moment. A heroic moment... for Catra. Not Adora, for Catra. And you just need to open your ears to hear it...
"Hey Adora."
🎶 is sad
"Catra! Help me, please!"
"This thing wouldn't work for me if I tried, would it? It only works for you... then again, you're special... that's what Shadow Weaver always said..."
🎶 is melancholy
"Catra, what are you doing??"
"Ah, ya know, it all makes sense now... you've always been the one holding me back... you wanted me to think I needed you, you wanted me to feel weak."
🎶 has even tone
"Every hero needs a sidekick, right?"
"Catra that's not how it was.."
🎶 rises, falls, sad (“Promise” begins playing)
*Catra chuckles* "The sad thing is I've spent all this time hoping you'd come back to the Horde... when really you leaving was the best thing that EVER happened to me..."
🎶 lowers, is dark, is dramatic. -Note: we see Catra seemingly become deranged as she says this line. This is Catra deceiving herself out of perceived necessity.
"I am so much stronger than anyone... ever... thought." *she cuts part of the web*
🎶 begins to rise, uplifting
"I wonder what I could have been if I'd gotten rid of you sooner." *she cuts the rest of the web, Adora falls, catching herself*
🎶 rises, is dramatic
"I'm sorry! I never meant to make you feel like you were second best. Please, don't do this."
🎶 is still rising, uplifting
*Catra stands proudly, nobly, looking at the sword. She looks down at Adora, then she casually tosses the sword past her...
🎶 is rising, hopeful, heroic.
"Bye Adora, I really am going to miss you..."
🎶 is heroic, violins now playing, adding depth
*Catra turns and walks away from Adora, proudly*
🎶 has risen to its height, crests, is heroic.
"Catra... Catra, no!!"
🎶 remains high, cresting, heroic
*Adora cries, sad, confused by Catra's leaving her...*
🎶 crests again, fades out...
Ok, so... let's talk about what just happened here. The undeniable conclusion is that this was meant to be a heroic moment, and a damn heroic moment... for Catra. The writers are telling us that Catra leaving is an important part of her hero’s journey, and that it was the right thing to do. You might be wondering, how can that be? The short answer is, Catra is on a hero’s journey unlike all the other hero’s journeys normally portrayed in fiction. All of it, even her darkest deeds, all her cruelty towards Adora, will be part of a very... important... and powerful... journey. One which will forge her into a hero in this series, in her own incredible right... how this is, what she is, is yet to be revealed... but make no mistake, she's a hero. Just not the one you expect…
We see Adora open her eyes, and see Light Hope. She tells Adora to let go. She means of her emotional attachments, as we find out. Adora cries for her lost Catra, that she couldn't bring her back to her. She lets go...
BIG ASSERTION TIME: Now, I know it's a common theory that these memories were all just an elaborate manipulation by Light Hope to divide the girls from each other, but I don't agree with that. No, I believe this was a memory journey guided by Catra, subconsciously, to help her tell Adora why she couldn't come with her, why she has to be apart.
Take for instance the memories and visions that Adora sees when she's on her way to the Heart of Etheria in season 5: this system exists apart from Light Hope, who dies at the end for season 4. This simulation comes from somewhere more primal: in my belief, it is the deep magic of Etheria being visualized through the First One's tech. We see the simulation show Catra the promise memory, something Adora isn't shown at all, and then allows her to see her inner child's hurt. Something deeper is going on here, and you should consider how strongly the magic of Etheria is resonating with Catra when it does. Because the magic of Etheria will again speak directly to Catra, this isn't the last time... In short, the magic helps the two of them to understand each other, because Catra is an important part of Adora's true She-ra journey.
I also believe that a theme of this series is that abusers, like L. Hope, are not perfect vindictive manipulators. They are flawed, and L. Hope in particular, I believe, is no genius: she fails time and time again. That L. Hope uses the moment to get Adora to let go is her using the moment to her advantage, she didn't play ultimate control over it. She just piggy backed on Catra's hurt to do it. So that last memory really was for Catra... Furthermore, I simply cannot believe L.Hope would understand the concept of the inner child… as she can't even understand sarcasm.
But now, because of this, Adora now knows of Catra's pain... and this is the beginning of Adora's long journey back to Catra, of her repairing their bond…
Let's address the obvious counterpoint: Adora now knows that Catra is hurt, but she doesn't yet understand why. And it's not really her fault, as Catra doesn't know how to talk about her feelings, among other things. But it's apparent that Adora doesn't remember these crucial memories as well as Catra does, even though they were critical in her development as well. Adora is a mess of emotions, just like Catra, and (if) she has ADHD, it might be one reason why she doesn't really get Catra. Especially if her parental figure has been manipulating it against her. Adora very much vibrates between stimuli anxiously, so SW might have made her forgetful by distraction over time. Also, the way in which Adora treats Catra as an enemy when she doesn't accept Adora’s (totally rushed, afterthought, and hollow) ultimatum that she defect with her, is a reflection of Adora's ingrained Horde war training… this is something she has to unlearn, as it is wrong. But Adora is a good person, she really, truely, is, because Adora never stops trying to make it better. And so, she slowly, but surely, comes to understand Catra’s trauma.
We get one last scene of Catra returning to the fright zone. We get to see Catra's truth here: She walks, as if she's not even there, she's deadened by the sorrow and the inevitability of what her life will now be: one of hard work, and zero joy. She will try her best to stand on her own, and put Adora out of her heart, slamming its doors shut against love. It doesn't work, but that's what she's trying to do, nonetheless. This is the beginning of a profound depression that builds over the next 3 seasons, and combined with new traumas, nearly takes her life.
But the tech Catra has brought back will end up giving her what she needs to face down and depose SW, just like she needed...
::Here is another complicated twist that's so essential to She-ra as a series: Catra, in fact, protects Adora by taking down SW. Catra may go on to command the Hordes forces so effectively that it pushes the Princess alliance harder than it's ever been pushed before, but her deposing SW is extremely important in the story. She both removes SW’s ability to attack Adora, and then denies her any sorcerous power by taking the Black Garnet from her, since SW needs an external source to draw power from in order to use her vampiric powers...
Ok so more theory time: it's a common belief that Catra stays with the Horde, and goes on to try to conquer the world out of some deep need to externally validate herself, and to prove she was the better child by beating Adora. I don't think any of these explanations are true. Catra may go on to play such a character on a surface level, but every time she professes to have any such ambitions, she is either in the presence of Adora, or under incredible stress. In the one case, she's saying those things to try to hurt Adora, and make her see how naive and foolish Adora always was, especially now that Adora thinks she can fight against her.
In the other case, it's actually her survivor mechanism trying to take over, to make her world safe. In every case where Catra says something about ambition, somewhere in that scene, Catra shows the distinct emotions of her true inner self: generally, these emotions are sorrow, fear, and loneliness. They don't exist on screen long, they are what is known as micro expressions. (See below for a short discussion of Catra’s micro expressions.)
To put it simply, the only reason Catra stays with the Horde is so she has somewhere she can be separate from her feelings and heartbreak over Adora, and then she climbs the ranks in order to find safety, first from SW, and then Hordak, once he threatens her life with his temper tantrums. That she fights against Adora is just a collateral consequence, she isn't out to get Adora, but nor does she care if Adora gets hurt, because she’s hurt her. Catra does fight against the princesses, though (including She-ra).
A core feature of Catra's character is indeed one of personal power. She's a person who is told to hurry up and die at an early age, but refused to do so. So her arc, her issue, isn't a cautionary tale about chasing validation, it's about her overcoming her fear of vulnerability and allowing herself to rely on others in a way that lets her be safe without needing to combat the darkness with more darkness. But vulnerability scares her because of the abuse she experienced.
As for validation, the only person she would want that from is Adora. This is because Catra believes in herself already: that she has a sacred right to exist, no matter what SW and others may tell her (note: Adora struggles with this, she's actually the one who seeks validation). But, she also needs love, and she is too fearful that Adora doesn't really love her and is afraid of being hurt by that. It's also why I think she's so chaotic towards Adora: her inner child tells her adult self to protect her from her love for Adora, which it tries to do, but that same child misses and needs Adora in so many ways. So she's trying to be mean to compensate for the incredible desire she feels towards Adora. I love it when Adora calls her a brat in season 5, it's such a well deserved line, mmhhmmm.
Actual discussions of how these particulars play out in the show are better left for another time, but there you have it.
Promise sidebar discussions: Catra’s micro expressions; Catra nearly dies at the Battle of Bright Moon
“White Out” microexpression discussion: [see pics below] This is the first time since the Battle of Bright Moon that Catra and Adora meet. So it's a good time to talk about Catra’s micro expressions. Picture 1: Adora says “Hey, Catra” out of the blue and Catra is completely blindsided, she figured she wouldn't be bothered out in the middle of nowhere. She's anxious and unhappy to be seeing Adora. Along with her suspicious absence the episode before in “Roll With It”, the answer is obvious: Catra has been avoiding Adora. She may have cut ties with her in “Promise”, nearly bested her at the Battle of BM, but she doesn't want to see her. She doesn't know what she feels about her.
Picture 2: Enraged monsters are decimating the base, and a battle breaks out over the corrupted disc. Catra is desperately trying to protect it, because she can control Adora if she has it... and she needs this chance to have her back. As Catra reaches to pick it up, she's facing away from everyone and so no one can see her desperation and sadness from missing Adora. (pic 2) Shortly after, we also see her clutch the disc desperately to her chest in a way that's very endearing, right before the monster attacks her and makes her drop it. Then, as she's about to die in its jaws because she doesn't want to give Adora up again, Scorpia breaks the disc and saves her life. We see in this episode as Catra completely loses track of her emotions, and now realizes she has to come to terms with the fact that she's so desperately sad from missing Adora, she was willing to die just for a chance to have her back.
Pic 3: Catra hates working for the Horde. She HATES it. She gets zero joy from the job, and she’s already figured out that Hordak will kill her if she screws up too badly. She didn't want this job, plain and simple, but now feels stuck with it. None of this is the life she wanted. Combining this knowledge against Catra’s declaration to Adora at the end of Promise, we know she's not happy that she had to go her own way...
Catra’s near death experience at the Battle of Bright Moon
At the Battle of Bright Moon, Catra leads Adora (She-ra) away. They battle, but then Catra retreats and instead starts listing out every single worst fear of failure she thinks Adora has. It's a dark moment, she's acting much like SW did to them as children, and we watch her manipulation take root in Adora. Finally, her words are too much, and as Catra looks down at Adora's (She-ra's) back, we see Adora become deranged, overcome with her fear of failing everyone... (pic1, above) she picks up a boulder and throws it directly at Catra. Catra is knocked flying, and only by the barest of margins does she keep from falling to her death. Adora nearly kills Catra. And so, as Adora drags Catra up from the cliff and slams her into the wall, we see a totally heartbroken and emotionally crushed Catra. In this moment, Catra believes all of her worst fears are confirmed: Adora only cares about being She-ra, so much so that Adora would kill her in the name of being that hero. Catra uses this moment, this belief, to justify her division from Adora. Sadly, she's wrong... she's ignoring the seriousness of the threat that the battle poses, and as Adora was facing away from her during that moment, she doesn't see the terror and desperation Adora experiences due to her cruel words…
Oh, and one more thing before we go: when Catra says “What, did you really think this was about you ?” SPOILER ALERT: It was. Because She-ra is one big Catradora story… and we love it.
As always, thanks for reading. <3
~EtheriaDearie
P.S. :: as I am new to tumblr, if you enjoyed reading this, please consider giving me a reblogg! Thanks!! 🙇💛
#she ra#spop#she ra and the princesses of power#catradora#happy birthday Catra#catra#she ra shadow weaver#shadow weaver#adora#my writing#thanks for reading#she ra synopsis#she ra fan theory#she ra meta
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I said there would be a part three on the WTHTD video and I decided to keep it quiet a couple days ago until my gut told me to post.
Please stick with this read as it will get deep into lore and connections
My conspiracy on the scorpion tattoo part two:
In the WDHTDANCE video
there’s two girls; one blonde and brunette.
At first, a regular person might pass it off as
“Oh, two girls in the background! MV standards.”
Sadly, no.
It’s Juliet and Angie before and after Andy found out about Scientology and their wickedness.
Let me explain and backtrack the beginning theory of the music video.
It starts with Andy walking into a hotel building with a monster holding the door for him. He walks into a dark movie theatre room that relives his past memories, AKA the AUDITING ROOM or what other people refer to as the *fake* Akashic records room. (A spiritual place that stores memories that many fake spiritual gurus love to talk about in *awakening*)
What’s with this room, you ask? Scientology is known to bring people into rooms to “clean their memories and get their stories straight.”
While Andy is watching on the screen, there’s two innocent girls, as previously mentioned before, living their best life and looking flirty at a party. Sources say Andy and Juliet met at parties/festivals back in the day with Juliets family near always, which includes her sister who was trying to become an influencer as well.
Throughout the video shot, Andy’s being watched by this monster man in the background, making sure Andy is watching attentively and he’s looking at the scenes worried in regret. Furthermore, these two girls turn into hideous morphed demonic beings at the foot of this monster.
Then shows the shot of an innocent woman drowning in water.
“Oh how don’t you drown in a rain storm”
He’s asking Juliet why she isn’t exposed from the spotlight from all the shit she’s put herself in. Hint, nobody knows who the fuck she is and Andy’s asking why karma doesn’t punish her yet. (It’s coming! It’s already been hitting her!) Why hasn’t she drowned in all the fucked up situations she’s created through the years.
During the auditing process, Andy is being purged of Juliet and the Simms family secret of darkness so he can view Juliet as an angel,
like how the women think they are the monster’s little wh*re princess (excuse my language) because they think THAT monster is in control of Andy’s wording and thoughts during the auditing process. Aka Scientology, and Juliet’s father.
I believe Andy is watching carefully around their father because they come from money as well as
Jeff is an A class narcissist himself and says “peace is everything when you can fuck everyone over!” and tries to make Andy something he’s not, which is an asshole.
We don’t have to dance, is a song toward Juliet saying I’m not going to make this relationship something it’s not up to be. I know who you truly are and it’s not something that I’m going to keep loving you toward, so we can still be in a relationship because I’m stuck with you but I’m not ever going to love you (.) like I did when I was young and naive ever again.
Record scratch (auditing) ; Steve Miller Band (the joker is one of their classics)
Tattooed necks and tattooed hands
(Facade to hide in and be the person that they want him to be, so he tries to be comfortable as much as he can. ALSO, the song THE JOKER BY STEVE MILLER BAND GOES INTO DETAIL ABOUT ALWAYS BEING IN MASKED PERSONALITIES and being seen differently by everyone, which Andy feels like)
Oh, how don't you drown in a rain storm?
(Previous statement above ⬆️)
Fresh regrets, vodka sweats
(He regrets meeting her and getting married so soon and he drowns her out with vodka getting too drunk and having night terrors)
The sun is down and we're bound to get
Exhausted and so far from the shore
(I think that line perfectly states how far they’ve tried to drive him out of his “let’s create a better world” mentality & bright eyed personality into feeling exhausted and enslaved, overall not like the inner child he once had. Fucking Juliet being an older cougar and taking advantage of Andy’s youth while his parents sold him out and Ashley was a weirdo who gained half the rights to the band, not only that but his record label’s pressure, band mates, crew, friends (which are mostly Scientologists) to always go along the dotted lines like a script, literally.) He was only 18-20! A baby! who was groomed up by old Hollywood cults for selling him a dream that left him almost dead.)
You're never gonna get it
I'm a hazard to myself
I'll break it to you easy
This is hell, this is hell
You're looking and whispering
You think I'm someone else
This is hell, yes.
Literal hell.
(The fan base used to think Andy was this confident almighty saviour because he cared about us, his young sweet heart cared about helping people and he was drowning in regret and shame from the fake industry and kinfolk behind him making him feel left out, delusional, and not belonging. He was feeling a moment of weakness in these lyrics and had to put on a facade that he was some big seductive rocker dude for financial and status sake, which in multiple interviews he feels bad about because HE HAD TO DO THAT out of survival mode and not because he wanted to! Now, today he’s seasoned and getting in control)
We don't have to talk
We don't have to dance
We don't have to smile
We don't have to make friends
It's so nice to meet you,
Let's never meet again
We don't have to talk
We don't have to dance
We don't have to dance
(This is basically an ode to meeting Juliet for the first time. Or getting into a relationship with her in the beginning. He’s writing what he now would have done instead of marrying her in 2012. Didn’t they say they both hated each other when they first met? He wanted to listen to his gut instincts and he felt deep regret in those lyrics)
Bottles smash, I raise my hand
How can you all even stand it
Why is there joy in this poison, oh
Faking smiles and confidence
Driving miles to capture this excitement
I can't take anymore, oh
(He’s asking why isn’t anyone caring about fake people including literally everyone he’s surrounded by, including us.
Why we used to not care about diving into the abuse and delusional shows everyone put out there, fake smiles and fake personas to keep fans alive and happy, which is coincidentally the most popular BVB was.
I wish Andy knew that for us, it wasn’t fake and that even though he was depressed and angry inside and still showed up for BVB army is a very selfless act, because he wasn’t forced to be nice to anyone but only put on a stage act by management.
Now he’s really shining and we get to see the person he has always been for us, a neighborly seasoned person who sings his truth and we, as BVB army fans, relate to the sad darkness and happiness overcoming it too.
He’s real and always has been, even if he’s had to hide and mask for his protection.
He gained popularity and support because he was authentically himself and showing up for him when he felt the shittiest (even when he thinks he didn’t handle it correctly with fighting and alcoholism,) still he showed up and gave everything in authenticity and pure emotion, Andy style. I think he’s come to conclusion that his stage presence is something special outside of his personality and that it’s okay to express your soul on stage even if it’s changing, he’s coming back to who he’s always been inside. I think he’s channeling it in such a badass empowered way on the IN BETWEEN tour.
Congrats Andy! That man IS a true soul warrior.
Dude was fighting predators, groomers, and multiple cults by himself and still showed up (AND bettered, healed, unlearned things about his surroundings and himself) even when he felt isolated and alone! Props to Andy!
I personally interpret the scorpion tattoo as death and not forgetting to go back to the place that he was left FOR DEAD even if he feels scared or lonely.
You’re not alone, Andy! We are here and we see you!
I’m so proud of him. He’s such a diamond in the rough. I’m proud to be a supporter and recognize what he’s done for himself and how it translates into his art.
.
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00:00 (Zero O'clock)
by Audrey S. Bill
It was late in the evening, and she knew he'd be there because he'd dropped his cigarette in the sink... and just knowing he was there made her entire body shiver.
"Why were you late, Athena?"
As she was about to turn the doorknob, she felt his heavy hand on her shoulder. Her hands trembled and her heart pounded as if it were the first time something like this had happened.
"When will I ever get used to this?" That was her thought as she let him lead the way to his room.
She was putting on her clothes while staring at the man fast asleep next to her. Tears stream down her cheeks as she walks out of the room quietly.
After several days, she is still sore. No matter what she does, she can feel it all over her body. She couldn't eat anything and couldn't go about normal routine... And there she lay on a cold floor, helpless and alone, wishing to be seen, heard, and saved.
Two years later, she attempted to live and interact with others again. She joined a school organization and spent most of her days at school, where she met Eros. He is a year older than she is. Everything about him is beautiful, from the depths of his eyes to the gentle expressions on his face. Eros had the kind of face that makes you want to stop in your tracks. While Athena appeared to be an ordinary girl in the corridor, she wore a downcast expression on her face and eyes, as if she were trying not to draw attention to herself. Eros walks her home, buys her dinner, and speaks words that make her want to sweep on her knees. Athena was surprised because it was the first time she had felt so cared for; this is the joy and comfort she has been looking for. It is the same feeling she had as a child. She wiped away the sticky stream of tears that streamed down her face as she recalled her father's days. All of the walls she had built up over the years crumbled. She appears to be willing to let people in... yet again.
Months have passed, and she still can't believe someone has stuck by her side. She now has family-like friends, a boyfriend who adores her, and a mother who looks out for her and has promised never to abandon her again. She couldn't have asked for more. She remembers how sweetly he confessed to her, how he strummed the guitar for her while singing in front of the crowd. She had no idea what she deserved at this point.
Eros flicked her forehead when she was zoning out.
"Are you okay, Athena?" He gently touched her cheek to see if she was okay.
"No, I'm fine. Thanks for walking me home again!" She exclaimed joyfully.
"I'll never get tired of you, Athena." He gave her a warm smile.
"Indeed, it's the little things that matter the most." She reflected on herself before going to bed.
It was the fourth of the month, their special day, and they had decided to go to the mall. On the other side of the road, Athena was waving to Eros.
“Wait up,” he said with a smile and a wave. They waited for the stop sign to turn red before continuing their walk.
3... 2... 1...
As they walk towards each other, he suddenly pushes Athena, and all she sees is him... lying on the floor... covered in blood. Athena was stunned, and her entire body went numb. Her only sensation is the flow of hot tears from her eyes down her cheeks. This was far from what she had hoped for. Many people have gathered around him, calling an ambulance, and photographing him. People have also gathered around her, asking about her health. But all she can think about is how she can't move at all.
“I should be there instead of him. What exactly am I doing here? Why did he bother saving me?” So many thoughts had built up in her head. And when she heard the ambulance, she completely lost it. She has a lot to say but can't seem to find the words. It's just her eyes... closing.
“All I can see is white. Am I dead? Was it all a dream?” She thought to herself.
"Athena," she then noticed her mother's concerned expression.
"What am I doing here? Where’s Eros?" She asked.
"Don't worry, you're fine now. You're here at the hospital."
"Where's Eros?" She asked again.
She simply looked at Athena with a worried expression on her face. “What the hell is going on?” She reflected on herself once more, trying to remember everything that had happened before she passed out. Her head ached at the thought of Eros lying on the floor full of blood... She screamed and cried hysterically as her mother and nurses tried to calm her down, and she gradually weakened as sedatives were injected into her body and her eyes closed.
Five hours later, she woke up and just stared at the ceiling, tears streaming down her cheeks as she remembered the incident. Now that she thinks about it, she realizes how perfect that day was. She awoke the next morning, to find her man sleeping soundly because she forgot to turn off the Skype App on her laptop while speaking with him. She made perfect eggs; she didn't burn the hotdogs. Her Research Paper also received an A+. Everything worked out perfectly for her to get to this point. Her mother just hugged her, but she couldn’t feel her. She can't feel the warmth of this embrace. She was... lonely.
The man she adored was inside the coffin. She can't look at him because the mere fact that he's there breaks her heart into a million pieces. Athena believes that everyone in the room despises her; she feels responsible for everything because she is the one beside Eros as he breathes his last.
“No one expected this to happen... but life is truly cruel to me. How did we get to this point? Why did he fall in love with someone like me? I should be the one inside that coffin, not him. He does not deserve any of this. God, why now?” She sobbed quietly as she stared at Eros’ face.
After Eros died, Athena began cutting again. She couldn't get his smiles out of her head while trying to save her. When Athena sees blood from her wrist, thighs, and other areas that aren't visible to the naked eye, her heart calms. For her, physical pain was easier to bear than the emotional pain she was going through. She couldn't fathom how people went on after Eros died. All of the memories she had buried in the past resurfaced. And as she browsed through her gallery, she noticed that it was filled with photos of Eros and her.
“You know that I rarely pray at night. But I'll do it for Eros' sake. Please make him come back to me. Just this once please...” She cried and prayed until she fell asleep.
After a few months, at her mother's request, she began seeing a psychiatrist. “It's all for the best.” That is what they continue to tell her. Athena, on the other hand, felt she was labeled as "crazy" as a result of this.
"I completely understand what you're going through right now."
"Everything is going to be fine."
"You can count on me."
These are the words she keeps hearing from the Doctor. Athena believed the doctor was simply doing her job, as she had told all of her patients the same things. She still has a sense of emptiness. The words, however, lingered in her mind, and she felt as if her heart was gradually giving in.
“Is this okay, Eros? This doesn't mean I'll forget about you...” Athena contemplated herself.
It's been a year, but it only seems like yesterday. Athena had given up hope, but she is now smiling. She attends church every Sunday, she has grown closer to her family, her friends have consoled her, and they have all contributed to Athena becoming the person she is today. She was overjoyed that God had restored her life. When Eros died, Athena's world collapsed around her, but she soon realized she wasn't to blame; his death was an accident. Her nightmares keep her awake at night, but she is relieved that the man who abused her weaknesses as a child is now in prison.
***
Am I seeing things? Or is this really Eros? He is dressed in a white coat and is smiling and waving at me. I felt him as I held his face to see if he was real. He doesn't say anything, all he does is stare at me with his piercing eyes. Finally, he spoke...
"Athena," he begins.
The air became cold as he said my name... it's different.
"Why didn't you help me? Why... why did I even save you in the first place?!"
For a brief moment, I was stunned. This is not what I am expecting. I can feel all of his anger, despair, and betrayal from the way he said those words and the way he looks at me now.
I was about to approach him when he took a step back, his eyes welling up.
"...Eros..."
He shook his head and moved his gaze away. Is he going to leave me again? He's becoming blurry now. No way... We should be together… Eros. No, please...
***
"EROS!"
Athena screamed as she struggled to breathe. Her vision became blurry because of the tears. She had been fine for months, but it suddenly reappeared. Eros was blaming her in the dream… A single dream that has now destroyed everything she has worked for. She's blaming herself once more.
"It's entirely my fault..."
As she stood next to the bridge, she reflected on her day, which she described as "beautiful." She went to see Eros in the cemetery. Everyone was smiling and doing their best to make her feel "loved." She smiled heartily at the thought of people going to such lengths to make her happy. Her heart skipped a beat as she considered all of her loved ones, and the thought of leaving them. Athena gave everything she had, but she was also a master of disguise. Her mind is already made up that all of her misery and the monsters within her will not stop unless she makes a move, and she believes that people who get too close to her, such as Eros, will only hurt themselves.
The cool breeze caressed her skin, as if it wanted to embrace and feel her.
“Is that you, Eros? Dad?" Her eyes welled up with tears as she remembered them. She simply hopes that no one will blame themselves for having to die because it was her choice. She is certain that she will be happier. She sincerely wishes for the pain to end. She's desperate to put an end to it.
She took a deep breath and looked out at the water, which was plain blue but beautiful. She looked down at her phone and smiled one last time.
“Happy Birthday, self.”
At exactly 00:00, she jumped off the bridge, allowing her body to be thrown into the deep blue sea.
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Not Him Part Two
Written for SPN Hiatus Creations | Week 4
Warnings: DARK!FIC, angst, torture, mental and physical abuse, manipulation, kidnapping, held captive, non-descriptive forced sexual encounter, non-con, rape, forced nudity, arguing, swearing, low self-esteem, self-doubt, DON'T READ IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY ANY OF THIS, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
Pairing: shapeshifter!Dean x reader (pre-established Dean x reader)
Prompt: “Vampires, Werewolves or Shapeshifters”
Word count: 5 269
Summary: You left the Bunker after you'd had an argument with Dean. Soon enough, you find yourself regretting ever stepping a foot out of your home; your mind fuzzy and your body weak, a monster with your lover's face finds its way into your life in a way you will never be able to forget.
Series Masterlist | Masterlist
Dean loved you.
You kept repeating that like a mantra to yourself, not letting fear overcome you, as your lover sliced your skin. A shiver ran down your spine. Dean pulled back to look at you, smiling lovingly, before he put the knife against your collarbone and pushed. Your heartbeat quickened as you tried to breathe through the pain, willing your muscles to stay relaxed. A jolt of pleasure cursed through you along with the sting once Dean withdrew the knife, and you closed your eyes to cherish the strange sensation, your brain high with adrenaline and endophins. Dean hadn't cut you too deep; he'd just drew enough blood so it would trickle down your flesh and mix with the liquid already drying on your skin.
But you were trembling nonetheless. Your body was in shock from all the constant pain that began to overpower the pleasure, shallow cuts gracing every part of skin Dean could reach. You weren't smiling anymore, but tried not to react when he pushed the blade a little too deep and pain shot through your shaking thigh. Your clothes were in pieces, hanging on you just by threads, but you didn't even think about covering yourself.
This was Dean. He loved you. And he was doing this for you.
"Where's Y/N?" Dean asked impatiently the moment Castiel came through the door to the Bunker.
The angel frowned, walking down the stairs, and came to a stop by the table in the War room. "She is not with you?" Cas asked, tilting his head to the side. Dean inhaled sharply and turned around, running his hands through his hair. You'd left the previous night and they hadn't heard from you since. Dean was becoming anxious and more impatient with every passing second.
"You mean she hasn't prayed to you?" Sam asked, trying to stay calm. He'd made Dean get a few hours of sleep until their angel friend got there, but started to regret that decision. He'd tried to track your phone, but you either turned off the GPS or broke your phone all together.
"No," Cas replied hesitantly, his eyes drifting between the brothers, "not since you hunted the ghoul in Missouri." There was a loud smack which made Sam's and Castiel's head whip towards Dean as he sent everything that had been on the table flying to the ground. He threw his phone into the opposite wall with a pained shout and the small device shattered to pieces.
"Dean-" Sam began, but his brother cut him off.
"It's my fault," Dean said so quietly it was barely above whisper, his voice laced with despair. Sam shared a look with Castiel, but neither of them said a word; they knew it wouldn't change anything. You were gone and Dean wouldn't stop until he found you. And he didn't care who stood in his way.
"Dean," you breathed heavily, but your lover didn't stop. He dove the knife into you with a twisted smile, uncaring of your trembling body. His slices became deeper, more sadistic; Dean kept pushing until tears started streaming down your cheeks and you strained against the ropes binding you. There was no more pleasure in what Dean was doing to you. His hands were rough, smearing blood across your skin and pushing on already scabbing wounds until they started bleeding again, and you wanted to tell him to stop; wanted to shout at him, tell him he was hurting you. But then he looked up at you with so much love in his eyes and caressed your cheeks so gently, you couldn't help but lean into the touch and smile even through your tears.
He loved you. He was doing this for you.
"What is it, sweetheart?" Dean asked you softly, crouching to be at the same eye level as you.
You swallowed a sob. "It hurts," you whimpered pathetically, wanting it to stop, but wishing to be good for Dean even more.
"Oh, I know," he murmured and leaned so close your foreheads were touching. You closed your eyes and immediately relaxed, the simple touch enough to calm down your aching body. "You're doing so good," Dean praised you, stroking your hair. "Such a good girl for me." Blush stained your cheeks and you smiled, leaning forward to press your lips against his. The kiss was gentle, loving, and said more than any words ever could. You didn't pull back, not even when your lungs started burning from lack of oxygen, and it was Dean who had break the kiss before you lost yourself in him completely. He stayed close, your noses touching and his hand cupping your cheek. "Just a few more, sweetheart. Just a little more, okay?" Dean asked against your lips.
You swallowed a whimper. Your body was aching, screaming at you to stop the pain, to stop the constant stinging and throbbing you felt in each cut with your every heartbeat. It was hard to breathe, hard to focus, hard to relax your muscles so it wouldn't hurt more. But you wanted to be good. For Dean. He loved you, he would never hurt you if he thought there was any other way. You took in another shaky breath before answering. "Okay," you breathed and reached for another kiss. Dean kissed you back hungrily and licked at your lips with his tongue. You granted him entrance without second thought and tried to get even closer to him, until the ropes cut into your wrists so much you knew there would be burns from them later. You whined when he parted from you, but Dean only smiled at you lovingly and got up. He grabbed his knife from the table, withdrawing something from his jacket. It was a small glass bottle, barely more than an inch tall, filled to the brim with milky liquid and secured by a cork. You watched as Dean pulled the cork out and dipped the blade into the fluid before he set the bottle down and came closer to you.
Your heart was racing in your chest and more tears filled your eyes, but you still tried to smile at him. There was so much love in his eyes when he brushed your hair back and brought the knife to your shoulder. Dean stilled the knife against your skin, but didn't break it, a questioning look on his face. He was giving you an out, you realized. Emotions rushed through your body as tears of joy fell through your eyelashes and a quiet sob left your lips. Dean loved you and he didn't need to say it out loud - you saw it, clear as day. You gave him a single nod and that was all the premission he needed. Acid smell filled your nose only a second before Dean cut through your skin and quickly lifted the knife. The cut wasn't deep, but you couldn't say it stung - it burned you alive. Fire filled the shallow wound the moment Dean broke the skin and spread through your whole shoulder. You screamed. Ropes cut into your wrists and ankles, your body trying to get free, twisting and writhing in the chair, but it was no use.
You didn't notice Dean bringing the knife to your stomach and only registered he did so after fire consumed the whole middle part of your body. You screamed and panted, not even trying to stop your tears, pulling and struggling, twisting your head to tell him to stop. It was too much. Everything was too much. The light suddenly became too bright, the ropes too tight, your head dizzy. It hurt. There was no pleasure, not a single thought about pleasing Dean. You needed it to stop - and you needed it now.
"Dean, please," you sobbed quietly, writhing in the chair in a desperate effort to ease the pain, to soothe the fire that spread through your body like acid filling your weins. Your vision was blurry with tears, your skin overheated and sweaty in your body's hopeless attempt to cool it down.
A warm hand cupped your cheek. "Just one more more, sweetheart," Dean answered your plea softly and you found yourself nodding automatically. You didn't want it. You wanted, no, needed him to stop. And yet, all you did was close your eyes and lean into his touch, trying to distract yourself from the pain. You felt the cold blade on your thigh and struggled to relax. Why did it hurt so much? The cuts were barely deep enough to draw blood, but what you felt was like fire - consuming and overwhelming. You held your breath.
The tip of the blade broke your skin and your effords to be quiet died along with everything else you'd thought was important. Agony. That was the only way you could describe what you were feeling. You were screaming and panting until your voice broke and your mouth stayed opened in a silent scream. You bucked against the ropes, whining and sobbing openly, trying to get away, trying to get it to stop.
"Please," you begged, struggling to breathe, "Dean, please. I can't- I can't." Sobs wrecked through your shaking body as tears formed behind your closed eyelids.
"Shh," Dean soothed you and cupped your cheeks with his hands. You didn't get lost in him this time. It was too much. Too many sensations rushed through your body and mind; burning, sweat, tears, heat, even Dean's voice were too much. "You did so good," he whispered in your ear, wiping away your tears and nuzzling against your neck. "You were so good for me, so brave. I'm so proud of you."
There was no satisfaction when you heard the words. No pleasure, no joy, nothing. Nothing but the constant pain and throbbing of your aching body. Broken. You felt broken and weak, quietly sobbing even as Dean kissed your forehead and stroked your hair, stuck to your sweaty skin. You couldn't keep your head up. It fell limply against your chest, ringing filling your ears and black spots dancing in your vision. A foreign noise sounded somewhere in the room, but you were too far gone to recognize it. You welcomed the darkness that threatened to take you, seeing it as release from your pain.
Dean gently lifted your head. "Come on, sweetheart, you can't fall asleep now," he told you softly, stroking your cheeks with his thumbs. "Open your eyes, Y/N," Dean ordered and you didn't dare disobey. Your eyelids were heavy, but you forced them to open and blinked several times to try and clear you vision; it didn't help. "There you go," Dean whispered against your skin and kissed your forehead again. The elder Winchester slowly withdrew his hands from your face, making sure you would keep your head up by yourself, and moved to the ropes on your wrists. He quickly untied you from the chair and kissed the burned skin, whispering gentle words and praises, but you were too tired to actually hear them. You didn't move your hands when he crouched to untie your ankles, just sat there in what remained of your clothes, covered in blood and sweat. "I'm so proud of you," Dean repeated as he rose up and kissed you deeply. You didn't respond to him. You didn't react even as he slipped his hands over your back and under your knees and picked you up like you weighed nothing.
You curled into yourself, still on fire, and whimpered into his chest. Dean carried you to the bathroom and carefully set you down on the toilet. You fell back against the wall, too weak and tired to hold yourself up. Dean carefully undressed you from your ruined, bloody clothes and kissed every single patch of skin he uncovered, humming and mumbling against it. You thought you should feel violated, being stripped by him, but you didn't; you didn't have enough energy to do anything. Everything hurt. You hissed even when the soft fabric of your shirt scraped your arm. You had no more tears to spill, no more words to say. Emotions rushed through you, but even as they did, you didn't know what to do.
Dean pulled you from your thoughts when he came up to brush his nose against yours and gave you a quick kiss. He didn't wait for your reaction and scooped you up into his arms. The same noise you'd heard before filled your ears as he carried you to the bathtub and slowly lowered you into the water. You didn't scream. Small whimpers and whines escaped your lips once the too-hot water hit your skin, but you didn't say anything.
"I know, I know," Dean said in a low voice, trying to soothe you. "Shh, I've got you." Dean closed the tap and you realized that it was the strange sound you'd heard. Your blood mixed with the water and turned it a dark pink colour, but you didn't notice. Everything stung and ached and Dean was holding you up so you wouldn't drown. His fingers were gentle, running over your damaged body and washing the blood away, until the water became too dirty and Dean had to refill the tub to make sure you were clean. He massaged your scalp, working shampoo into your hair, and mindfully washed it with clean water before he put the conditioner in. Gentle, oh-so-careful, fingers cleaned your body with soap and you whimpered and gripped his hand tightly. Dean didn't stop you, only leaned closer and caressed every part of your skin that wasn't injured, letting you squeeze his hand as a way to deal with the pain. The fire lessened, but it was still there, burning you from the inside, and you realized it was the liquid Dean's dipped his knife in that made it so bad.
Why had he hurt you like that? Because he loved you, you replied to yourself. But why would he do that? To make you stronger, make you brave for him. But you didn't want this. Didn't you? Didn't you want to be a good girl for him? You knew the answer, but didn't know what to think.
Your hands loosened and Dean quickly finished washing you and brought you back to the room, uncaring of the water that wettened his clothes as he laid you down on the bed and quickly dried you with a towel. Your skin was painfully tight, the cuts pulsing and itching, and you writhed in discomfort. Dean lay next to you and pulled you to him with his hand around your waist and your back pressed to his chest.
"Shh, sleep, Y/N," he whispered in your ear. You laid your hand over his and laced your fingers. Dean knew how much you liked to sleep like this, how safe you felt in his arms, and a happy smile pulled on your lips. You closed your eyes, willing yourself to ignore the pain, and inhaled Dean's scent deeply. And that was the moment you froze; he didn't smell like Dean. There was no leather, no gunpowder, even no oil in his scent. The man behind you felt you tense and pulled you closer, whispering praises in your ear. But you couldn't hear him. Everything came back to you.
He was a shapeshifter. He'd persuaded you Dean didn't love you, didn't care about you. He'd manipulated you into needing him. Manipulated you into craving him, kissing him. You felt sick to your stomach. The arm around your waist tightened, making sure you couldn't move. You were trapped.
Dean sat at one of the tables in the library, his hand itching to reach for the bottle of whiskey he kept next to him, but stopped himself; you needed him. Sam was scanning every single route you might have taken and Castiel was sitting at the table with his eyes closed, straining his ears to hear anything on the angel radio, waiting for you to pray. Dean felt useless. He was the one who'd made you leave in the first place, but there was nothing he could do to find you. Frustrated tears prickled his eyes and he had to resist the pull the alcohol had on him not to drown the whole bottle down.
Castiel straightened his back suddenly and his impossibly blue eyes fell open, landing on Dean. The angel spoke before either of the brothers had time to ask. "I found her."
You didn't know when or how you fell asleep, but you woke up suddenly by someone calling your name. Your eyes shot open and you tried to sit up, only to pull at ropes, your wrists tied together and secured to the headboard.
"Y/N!" somebody called again and you whipped your head to the sound. Dean was standing above you, his eyes wide and full or concern. "Don't worry," he said when he noticed you were looking up at him, "I'm gonna get you out of here." He quickly reached above your head to pull at the ropes.
You eyed him warily, not sure whether he was the real Dean or the shifter. His demeanour was different; his face twisted with worry, dark shadows under his eyes. He cursed when the knot didn't loosen.
"Dean," you whispered breathlessly, tugging at the ropes.
His face softened. "You're safe with me," Dean assured you and you nodded. Your eyes fell on the door to the room and you realized you had no idea when the shifter would return. A whimper left your lips, urging Dean to hurry, just as he mamaged to untie you. You shot up and wrapped your arm around him. "I've got you," Dean said and helped you up to your feet. You were nude, covered in scabbing cuts, and your whole body itched, urging you to scratch the fresh wounds.
You made a wary step, biting your cheek to suppress a cry, and pulled at Dean's arm, urging him to move. You had to get out of there before the shifter came back. But Dean stayed still, his head down. "Dean, we have to go," you whispered quickly.
Dean looked at you with a disappointment frown. "Would you really leave me, Y/N?"
Your blood ran cold. This was the shifter. You took a step back, but he caught your upper arm and squeezed, his nails cutting your skin and opening your scabs. You clenched your teeth and tried to yank your arm free, but he gripped your hair and pulled your naked body to him.
"You would leave me, huh?" the shifter growled lowly. He squeezed your hair tighter, your scalp burning with pain. "Your Dean let you leave, but I won't let you do that." His grip on you loosened enough for you to look up at his face; it was twisted with hurt. "Why did you try to do that?" he asked softly. "Why would you want to leave me after being so good for me?"
You didn't answer. His praise had no effect on you this time and you swallowed hard, trying to find a way to overpower the shifter with Dean's body. He was stronger than you, but you were faster; but at the position you were in, you were helpless - one hand in your hair and other on your arm, pressing you to him, locking your arms between your bodies.
The shifter sighed. "Will you be good for me?" he asked and you nodded. If he let you go, this would be your chance and who cared you were naked; you needed to get away from him. He smiled sweetly, guiding your lips to his and kissing you until your lungs burned for air. You couldn't pull away, the hand in your hair stopping you, and he let you go only after you struggled against him. You panted, trying to catch your breath, when his hold on you loosened. "Get on the bed," he ordered and your eyes widened. He chuckled at your reaction, but caressed your cheek with the hand that had been pulling on your scalp only seconds ago. "I have to punish you for what you did, sweetheart," he explained, still keeping his touch gentle. "Now, get on the bed."
You nodded, keeping your head down and waiting for the right moment. You needed him to loosen the hand on your arm just a tiny bit and you were confident you could get out even in your injured state. The shifter withdrew his hands all together and you took your chance. You turned and sprinted to the door, uncaring of your injuries. Your hand landed on the knob when the shifter's hands wrapped around your waist and pulled you off your feet.
"No!" you shouted and kicked your legs. You tried to slam your head into his nose, but he was holding you too low for you to even reach his chin. He roughly threw you on the bed. You tried to squirm away, but he quickly covered you with his huge body, pressing you down with all his body weight. You slapped him and went for his eyes before he caught your hands with a growl and brought them over your head. You recognized the rough ropes the moment they touched your skin, but couldn't do anything as the shifter tied your wrists back to the headboard tightly. He forced his knee between your legs and checked your hands were immobile before moving down your body. The second you saw the rope tied to the bottom corners of the bed, you screamed louder than ever before and kicked your legs desperately, hitting him square in the jaw.
He roughly grabbed your ankle and brought it to the edge of the bed, keeping your other leg down with his knee. You squirmed and shouted, pulling at the ropes so hard you were bleeding even before he was done tying the first ankle. You fought him with all you had as he tied your other leg, keeping you open for him, completely at his mercy.
Tears filled your eyes and a sob left your lips once he straightened up to look at you. "Please," you begged, but it was as though he didn't hear you.
"So beautiful," he breathed and ran his fingertips up your legs. Your skin felt like sandpaper - rough, dry and peeling. His hand came close to your womanhood and you desperately tried to close your legs, but he passed it and touched your stomach. His mouthed went the same path, kissing up both your aching legs, up your stomach where he sucked at your belly button and up between the valley of your breasts. You twisted and squirmed beneath him, shouting and crying the whole time, but the shifter posing as Dean overpowered you easily. "So beautiful for me," he whispered as he kissed your neck.
"Please," you sobbed, "please, stop. I don't want this, please."
"Shh," he shushed you and kissed your lips. "I have to punish you, Y/N." You whimpered and turned your head to the side, but he only moved to kiss along your jaw. Warm hands were running over your body, squeezing at your abused flesh and it only made you cry harder. "Don't worry, sweetheart," the shifter purred, "I'll make it good for you."
You fought with all you had, squirming, twisting and stretching until he had to hold you down by your neck, cutting all your air supply as he thrusted into you. You screamed and cried, clawing at the ropes, praying somebody would just come through the door and save you from the monster with your lover's face, forcing its way into your body, but nobody ever came. He nipped and pulled at your skin and you screamed until you couldn't anymore, your voice breaking and turning into hoarse grunts as he broke your skin with his brutal pace and blood poured down your body and onto the sheets. You couldn't look at him. As the last screams died in your throat, you turned your head away, letting your body go limp and tears run across your nose and into your hair soundlessly.
It wasn't Dean. This wasn't Dean. And yet, every time your body shook with his assault, you felt his fingers digging into your hips. It was his voice whispering how much he loved you. His lips kissed and nipped and bit at your skin. And it was his face you saw; the vibrant green eyes, the beautiful full lips, the tiny freckles you so loved. He fucked you, thrusted into you so violently you thought he would split you in two. He was getting close. You could feel him twitch inside of you and he came with a shout, pushing you over the edge with him. You didn't want it. You didn't want the orgasm that made your toes curl and your back arch. Sobs wrecked through you even more powerfully than before.
You closed your eyes when he withdrew from you. He tortured you, manipulated you, raped you and yet, there was only one word that could describe what you were feeling as emotions swirled through you: nothing. You felt nothing. You waited for the anger, for the hate or shame to fill you, but it never came.
You didn't move when he untied your ankles, kissing the burned flesh. You didn't react when he kissed his was up your body, paying attention to every bruise and mark he'd left on you. You didn't look at him when he turned your face to him to kiss you, your gaze remaining unfocused. And you didn't do anything to escape even once he freed your hands and helped you put them by your sides. You only turned to the side and brought your knees up, still staring blankly into the wall. The bed dipped next to you and the shifter turned you to your other side easily and pulled you to him without resistance. He didn't speak for a long moment, only held you to his chest and kissed your head.
"You're so good for me, Y/N," he whispered into your hair, but you didn't even blink. He raised his head to look at you and sighed once he noticed your unfocused gaze. "Get some sleep, sweetheart," he said and laid a hand over your eyes. You didn't do anything to shake it off, didn't even flinch when his hand made your whole world turn black. You only stared into the darkness, feeling your spendings begining to dry between your thighs.
The Impala came to a stop in front of a motel three hours from the Bunker. Dean spotted your truck immediately and wanted to jump out of the car right away, when Sam put a hand on his shoulder.
Sam struggled to find the right words and sighed. "Just don't do anything stupid," he said finally and Dean only nodded, loading his gun. He got out of the car, Sam and Castiel following only seconds after him, and went to your truck first, his fingers laced around his gun. Your truck was dirty and cold, indicating you hadn't used it in at least a few hours. Dean looked inside, but found nothing out of the ordinary.
"She's inside, you know," came a voice that made his heart skip a beat.
Dean turned abruptly, pointing his gun at the man in front of him. Only he looked exactly like Dean - his face, hair, even clothes were the same. A shifter, Dean realized and clicked the safety on his gun off.
"Who are you? What did you do to her?" Dean shouted. Sam was by his side in a second, Castiel behind him with an angel blade in his hand.
The shifter smiled darkly and brought his hands up in surrender. "She killed my mate," he said angrily, keeping his eyes fixed on Dean "I didn't do anything she wouldn't deserve."
And with that, Dean shot him in the heart.
The spot next to you was cold. Everything hurt. You stayed curled on your side, but every cut and bruise the shifter had put on your skin reminded you of him. You knew there were bruises on your neck, making it hard to breathe, but didn't care. You had no tears to spill, no sobs to let out; you only lay in bed, curled up in blanket, and kept your eyes on the wall opposite to you. You hadn't slept, but couldn't remember when the shifter had left you.
Nothing - that was what you felt. No emotions, no thoughts, no plan, nothing. You knew it wasn't Dean who had hurt you, but his face, even in your happy memories, haunted you. And yet, there was no hate towards him - simply nothing.
The door to the room opened, but you stayed still, readying yourself for whatever he might do to you. The mess between your legs had dried on your skin, reminding you of what he had done, and it made you pull the blanket higher in a desperate attempt to protect yourself. Footsteps echoed through the room and came closer to you.
You didn't react when somebody put their hand on your shoulder and pulled the blanket down slightly.
"Son of a bitch," you heard Dean say and curled into yourself more. You'd thought you couldn't cry anymore, but you had been wrong; the moment his deep voice filled the room, the dam in you broke and there was nothing you could do to stop your quiet weeping. You didn't want him to hurt you any more, didn't want him to touch you.
His hands pulled the blanket lower, uncovering more of your abused skin, but you did nothing to stop him, only lay there soundlessly, praying to Castiel to come and save you, to put a stop to your misery. Dean turned you on your back without resistance and you gripped the blanket tighter, not wanting him to see more.
A single look at his face had you trembling and sobbing. You closed your eyes, pressing hands over your ears, so you wouldn't hear the voice of the man you loved.
Dean didn't know what to do. He reached to cup your cheek, but you only sobbed harder when he touched your skin. "Y/N, it's me," Dean said, but you didn't hear him. But he didn't need you to say anything to know what the shifter had done; purple, finger-shaped bruises blossomed on your neck, cuts covered every spot of your skin he could see along with bites and marks.
Dean hadn't noticed he'd been crying until tears blurred his vision.
You couldn't look at him. Sobbing and shaking, you tried to hide under the blanket, but found you couldn't move; your body was spent, too weak and tired to do anything other than just lay and wait for what your rapist would do next.
And Dean suddenly understood; you'd killed the shifter's mate, but what he'd done to you was so much worse. He made sure you couldn't be with Dean anymore. Ensured that when you saw Dean's face, you wouldn't see the man you loved, but the abuser the shifter had been. Dean realized you would always see him as the monster you both knew deep down he really was.
And it shattered his heart.
A broken whimper left your lips and you realized the shifter had been right all along; Dean didn't love you. He didn't care about you.
Because if he did, wouldn't he have come for you already?
#not him#spn series#spn series fanfiction#part two#spn fanfic#supernatural x reader#supernatural oneshot#supernatural fanfiction#supernatural#dean x reader#shapeshifter!dean x reader#shapeshifter!dean#spnhiatuscreations#wk4 18#trigger warnings#non con#rape#abuse#torture#manipulation#forced nudity#my writing#dark!fic#dark!dean#angst#super angst
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Emotional Breakdowns Lead To Passably Poetic Ramblings
26.06.21
word count: 2.15K
I never write because I need everything I write to be evocative. I need it to be painful. What's the point of writing something if the reader doesn't hurt? It hurt me to write this, and I hope it hurts you to read.
I've always imagined putting my thoughts into words, but I don't know if I want them to be on paper or my phone. Digital is easy, it's good, it's clean. It's easy to edit, to navigate, to save; it'll probably live on forever. It won't erode and disappear like the writing journal I had for six years, eaten away by the same termites who ate my entire closet from the inside. His name was Reggie, and he deserved better. I'd kept him safe in the closet, but I learnt too late that nothing was safe in the closet. Nothing physical, existing is ever safe from the World and it's beasts – Man or insect.
But paper is personal, it's real. It's beautiful. Sure, sometimes my brain and heart think of words faster than my hands can keep up, and the words are barely legible and my hand-writing's not pretty anyway, but that's the beauty of it. That's what makes it mine. But someone I know can stumble upon these words and read the truth of my existence. But maybe I want them to stumble upon it, one day. Maybe I want them to find my words and understand, really understand, who I was and what I am and what I kept locked up inside of me. That I wasn't some selfish, ill-mannered brat. That I really loved them, but sometimes it was hard. My mother always tells me no one can ever trust anyone but family, that even if she screams and shouts and scolds at first, at the end of the day she'll always have my back, and I know that's the truth.
But my cousin molested my other cousins and I, and she cried when she found out after years because she had to hear it from the other side of the family, and she cried because she'd told me so many times that she'll always have my back if something like that happened to me and she keeps saying family and family and family, and trust and trust and trust and how family is my parents and brothers and that's all we can ever trust but how do I tell her that the reason I said nothing when my cousin did it was because I was used to staying silent when my brother did? It's all so funny because I was blessed enough to have been born to parents who would never blame me for being abused in a society in which the blame- and shame-game is prevalent, but what do you do when the victim is your daughter and the abuser is your son – your firstborn, the first "nawasa" in the family, your pride and joy, the prince charming. You've loved him for seven more years than you've loved me. I understand. You don't deserve to suffer the truth. I saw how you were when you found out the truth about the cousin, I remember the things you said about family and trust. I know you have your own issues. You don't deserve to suffer. You don't. I love you all. So much. So so much. I won't let you suffer. I won't let you be the collateral to his sins. I'll protect you, and you'll never know.
And I'm okay, so why would I say anything? When we're happy and whole and great? Why would I say anything when I'm actually, genuinely fine and unaffected? Why would I ruin us? How could I say anything? And I'm fine, I really am. I'm okay. And I know my friends think I'm gaslighting myself when I say that I'm fine and it hasn't effected me much and it wasn't that bad because I was never actually physically hurt, but it's true. I'm used to laughing and loving the people I hate. I'm used to hating the people I love without an ounce of real hatred. I know what it sounds like, but it really isn't that way. It's okay. I'm okay, and no one should worry, even if sometimes I want everyone to worry. Even if sometimes I want everyone's pity and attention and love and sympathy, and I want them to hurt for me, like I hurt for the people I love. Sometimes I just want validation, I want people to know everything so they understand me. But everyone wants to be understood, so that's nothing special. I'm okay, and that is the only thing what matters.
I wasn't raped; I was molested. There's a difference.
I wasn't raped, and honestly I only remember a few instances with clarity. Everything else is a blur – it's all just snippets and flashes of memory spun together to make a vague, dramatic montage. But I wasn't ever physically hurt, and of course I know that it was still terrible and horrible and I didn't deserve it, but understand that it wasn't as bad as it sounds. I'm fine and genuinely, actually okay and I'm only affected when I have a mental breakdown, but that's almost always because I'm pms-ing. And it hasn't happened in a while now. It stopped. I think it's been four years? And it happened for five? six? I was 9 or 10 when it started? And he was 16 or 17? Okay, that – Oh, God oh fuck that sounds bad doesn't it? I'm 18. My younger brother is 10. I couldn't imagine– I can't. God.
But it actually wasn't as bad as it sounds. I was asleep – of course I wasn't asleep (but I think sometimes I must've been? I don't know) – but I was "asleep" when he did what he did. And he did do a lot, to be honest. His hands, everywhere on me. His mouth – everywhere. His–
Why is it so hard to write? I think it's harder to write than it is to think and speak of it.
But I don't know what happened to me. I don't know. I don't remember what happened. I wish I'd kept a better record, but I didn't. Oh, I remember a lot of things that happened, but I don't remember it all. I wish I did but I really don't. I wish I could read and revisit and do a shitty psychoanalysis of him. But I can't, and now he's the only one who knows what really happened, and I'll have to live with it.
There were no words. Never any words, never any pain. So again, I'm fine, and I'm okay. And he's great and fun and funny and I love him and I care about him and I'm always joking with him and he's a terrible person and I hate him and I wish I knew how his brain works and what he was thinking and still thinks and I'll never forgive him, but it's okay. It's really okay. As long as I was the only one who suffered. As long as I'm the only one who continues to suffer for my silence.
I think the only reason I still think about it so much is because I never got closure. I never got an explanation. I never understood why. I don't know if he's an irredeemable monster or if he at least feels guilty. I don't know what he was thinking, because there were never any words. And I'm glad there weren't any words and I was "asleep" because it makes it easier to interact with him and pretend it never happened, that it was someone else and everything's still okay.
But there were never any words, so I don't have anything to work with. Nothing to draw conclusions from, nothing to psychoanalyze him with. I don't know what he was thinking, I don't know what happened. I want closure, I want to understand. But I'm scared of whatever will lead up to the conversation, and the conversation itself. I'm scared of the acknowledgment and how it'll change everything irrevocably. I'm scared of getting closure, but I need it too. I need to understand.
Did you feel bad? Did you think of how it'll hurt me? Did it hurt you? Or were you indifferent to it all? Did you just not care or –fuck–was it some big joke? Was it funny? Was it amusing? Do you feel entitled to me? How fucking dare you? How could you? How fucking could you? You loved me. You were great to me, you still are sometimes. You're my big brother, man. I loved you. I love you. You were supposed to be my hero and I fucking swear to God you were. What the fuck happened to you? What made you this way? How could you do that to me? How could you do that and still look at me in the fucking eye? How? Why? I deserve to know.
But please don't tell me. I don't know what I'll do if I find out the extent of your monstrosity. I don't want you to fall even lower. I like to think you can't, but I know that's not true. Especially after what I learnt about Z- There's always room to fall.
But anyway – Reggie. I'd been brave enough to write a chapter of my life for the first time in that journal. It was the last story Reggie got to know. I'd never been brave enough to actually write about how I'd been hurt. I could never even write his name when I tried to make a record of what I went through – I was always smart (or sentimental?) enough to try and and keep a record, some proof, dated and organized. I was smart enough – but not brave. Maybe because my coping mechanism was pretending he was two different people, or maybe because writing it would make it real; I'd lived long enough without acknowledging it (even more so without understanding it), maybe if I ignored it long enough it would just go away. But the story I wrote in it wasn't even about that exactly. It was an older story; It was about how all of it might've been my fault. About how maybe I was always a fucked up child. But the story also brings me comfort – it reminds me that I've always been me, that the person I am today is because of the person I always was. That there was no influence that made me this way. I am what I was.
The termites consuming Reggie also reminded me of the old Islamic story about how the Boycott of Banu Hashim ended – the parchment holding the banishment declaration by the Meccans had been eaten by termites, except for the word Allah – the name of God. I thought it'd be interesting if this was God's way of sending me some message I have yet to decipher.
But I don't believe in God. Maybe life would've been easier if I did; if I could have found peace in He who I could not see, could not touch. If I could've found the same relief that my friends and family find in His words, His presence.
But I never felt His presence. I tried, I really did (maybe I didn't, maybe I should've tried harder?). During my last try, I made the resolution to offer all my prayers one Ramadan. I thought if I manage to nail down all the worship obligations, actual faith might follow somehow.
I lasted two days. I cried on the prayer mat during Fajr both times, like my mother does all the time, but I doubt it was for the same reasons as her, or lead to the same result. I did not feel at peace, and I did not feel seen and heard by the Creator; I had never felt more alone, more abandoned. My heart did not feel a little less heavy; it had never felt heavier.
I cried because I was desperate the cycle wouldn't repeat. I wanted to believe there was someone who could make it stop, someone who could make sure that others didn't follow in his footsteps. It did stop, eventually. But I think that's just how it was supposed to be – not because some deity cared enough to make it stop. He doesn't care about us, but if you don't agree with that, I envy you. I wish I believed what you believe.
But I'm also glad I don't. So I will just exist, till one day I don't. And you won't remember me, and He won't care, and no one will greet me at the Gates of Heaven or throw me in the depths of Hell, because neither exist.
I hope.
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Yushi was pretty clearly abused by his cousin (from the very beginning he's afraid of her, he tenses up whenever she indicates any kind of displeasure, and his decision to move out is largely motivated by his desire to get away from her; plus his uncle doesn't seem to give a shit about him one way or the other so like, not great) and then we...never examine this or do anything with it
Kuri's mother abused him so badly he either stopped talking or never learned how to in the first place, they explicitly say he was never loved in his whole life until he met Shiro (who is a dog), and his own mother eventually killed him and then...Yushi gets upset because he had a great mom so surely Kuri's mother must love him. And he cries in Kuga's lap about this and that whole scene feels like she's supposed to stand in for his mother which yikes, she's literally a year older than him
I think between Mariko (the sexually harassing, scantily-clad archetype everyone knows and hates) and Ruriko (a disembodied pair of hands whose one joy in life is cooking for other people) we've managed to cover the entire spectrum of bad female character design and really that's an incredible feat all on its own
Why does Hase's character exist? His entire presence in this show so far has been 1) getting in a fistfight with Yushi after their middle school graduation as some kind of coming-of-age ritual (I guess?) 2) reading Yushi's letters and then 3) noting that Yushi isn't writing him letters. I think I would actually feel more for Yushi's character if he hadn't had any friends before coming to live in the apartments
Yushi blames himself for the Takenaka thing which I guess could be a manifestation of his abuse but the writing is so hamfisted and poorly done I'm mostly just annoyed Yushi is making this about himself. Not to mention like this dude broke into the place you lived, threatened to burn it down if you didn't let him and his uninvited shit friends do whatever they wanted, and then started a 7-on-1 fight? That dude sucks and he was never your friend
Yushi is clearly depressed and unwilling to examine why he feels this way (hint: it's because he moved out of the apartment building and into a dorm) but despite spending a whole two (?) episodes on this, and as someone who experiences depression and tends to indulge in nostalgia to a sometimes unhealthy degree, the only emotional response I felt at all was the brief moments Yushi (or I, making my own connections) compared his current living situation to what he experienced at his uncle's house. This should be at least slightly relatable! It's a big decision he made! He regrets it and feels like he can't undo it! And yet I don't really care except for like 3 minutes spread across two 22-minute episodes
I already said this but it bears repeating: The monster character designs are boring. How do you make boring monster character designs. How am I bored looking at the episode's villain who is a monster that is so horrible and so filled with hate it leaves a physical brand on those it's connected to and everyone else spent 2/3 of the episode warning Yushi not to look at it or else he would have nightmares
#please feel free to ignore this#it's bad everything dog#how did this get mad into a show#there's like a weird number of really polished looking anime that have no other redeemable qualities#like the shading and colors and animation are smooth and pleasing to the eye#but it's just bad writing and boring character design all the way down#long post#i'm watching elegant yokai apartment
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