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lovecolibri · 3 years

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Things that did NOT Spark Joy-3x01

Whoooo boy, y’all. This is a SALTY one. All the good stuff is in the Sparks Joy post. For this one, I think I’ll put the thing’s I’m a little confused or frustrated about first and then the rest of it under the cut just as an added layer of protection for anyone who wants to avoid the really salty bits.

We are still seeing a Liz who is too busy and caught up in what she’s doing to think about her friends, which Alex called her out for in season 1 and it...has not changed. Which, girl, I get caught up in things too and hyper focus sure is a Thing That Happens, but she didn’t set an alarm or reminder or anything about the several days Kyle was in town? I love Liz, I do, but if they wanted to spend this season focused more on friendships, this isn’t a strong start for her.

Liz told Max if she ran again, she wanted him to chase her, and is sad he didn’t come, but she also made it pretty clear when she left that she needed some time away from him, so how is he supposed to know when it’s been long enough? He’s not (as far as we know) a mind-reader Liz! The show wants to have Liz be this “strong woman who doesn’t need a man”, but at the same time, this woman who is waiting around for this one man without ever telling us why she even wants Max! They tried to go with the “oh he’s kind and soft” thing, but he also has to be a macho police man so he tends to lash out in anger. It’s such a weird amalgamation of characteristics and inconsistent writing and it’s so frustrating! And Liz is constantly paired off with all these smart medical science dudes I guess as a contrast to Max? But it undercuts their soulmate story and makes it more glaring that we haven’t been told or shown what Liz loves so much about Max, just that she does and it causes her problems. I want them to really dig in this season to why Liz is so drawn to Max and some of the interviews we’ve seen hint at that which I’m excited about because I want to root for them. They are endgame and we know it and I feel like c*rina took that for granted and just...never bothered to tell us why.

Welp. Max is dying again. I’m tired and I don’t caaaaaaare.

But also! By Max not telling Michael and Isobel (or Liz) that he’s dying, he’s still doing that thing where he thinks he knows best and decides for everyone else how things should be handled.

On that note, there’s this big push that Liz is finally “putting herself first” which I get because of how they didn’t allow her to be mad at Max for long enough in season 1 and season 2 didn’t give her nearly enough time with Rosa actually paying attention to her sister that was raised from the dead after a decade. But on the other hand, again, Liz is always putting herself and her science work first to the point that even after Max was alive again she was still too busy for Rosa, now she forgets Kyle is coming for a visit, and she didn’t even stop to think that in her rush to release proprietary information she could get someone else fired along with her. I just want to see them address that Liz has this issue like Alex did in season 1. It’s great that she has flaws! But they can’t really be “flaws” if she never faces consequences (like friends speaking up) so I’m hopeful with her and Alex getting scenes this season we will see Liz being allowed to have her flaws addressed by more than just her and Max having fundamentally different ideas on how to handle absolutely everything. Jeanine seems really excited about this season so I’m looking forward to what this season has in store for her.

Max is still shoving Michael around which I’m also Very Tired of.

Also....like, Max is drinking a LOT now? And straight up shooting acetone?! Like, I know the show has a lot of casual drinking but Max has a full-on flask he is taking with him everywhere and it is noticeable, but I can’t quite tell if it’s on purpose so we notice that Things Are Bad for him? Because Isobel and Michael don’t seem concerned and joke about no more truth exercises after that much tequila. But given that they continually have Liz, who has a family history of addiction and even thought she might be having the same mental health issues she knew her mom and sister were self-medicating for, constantly drinking for getting high with m*ria I’m not holding out hope that it’s something intentional that will be addressed.

But also, Max had to “shoot up” immediately after one little power burst in the mindscape, but he’s fully using powers to bury/dig up that box? Dude, grab a shovel and stop taxing your dying heart!

Also we still have m*ria and Max refusing to listen to their doctor which, whatever, but Liz is out there trying to fight for funding to research something to save m*ria when they already have something that works but m*ria refuses to use it as a stop-gap to give Liz the time to do more research.

I don’t hate the new lady, she’s got a killer voice and is apparently also going to be a reporter? And they make it clear that it’s a one-night-stand thing, but I’m so tired of this soulmates show having Max mope around and say he can just never, ever, get over Liz and then turn around and take all his feelings for her and use some other woman to work them out on. Like, he’s supposed to be a writer! Go write some sad AF poetry and get some sleep like a normal person and stop using women’s bodies as a receptacle for the feelings you don’t know how to deal with.

It’s just such a typically CAM thing to have built up Project Shepherd and had it running a whole ass alien experimentation prison basically since the 40′s and it ends with a throwaway line that Alex (who is still in the military based on his AWOL comment to Forrest) has spend the last year “shutting it down”. What does that even meeeeean?! Please tell me he’s heard of Deep Sky before and it’s something that came up in his work or is related to Project Shepherd or something. But given how unsatisfying the end was for Jesse Manes, I’m not holding my breath. (I will DIE MAD about BAMF Alex saying he was going to destroy what his dad loved and make him watch and then we didn’t get it.)

what does Greg mean when people ask him about “the accident”? Like, there were whole ass witnesses to him shooting his dad in the middle of a carnival? But they made it sound last season like he died a hero saving people and that’s why he got the statue? But now suddenly it’s why Greg can’t get dates because everyone knows he had something to do with it? WHY does c*rina continue to retcon things ONE EPISODE apart?! It doesn’t matter if it’s across seasons, it’s still one episode removed from the event! I was already so confused about how they handled Jesse’s death, but now I’m even more confused!

I’m very confused about Alex’s line that Project Shepherd got everything wrong, but what if someone out there is doing things right. Because a) a super shady, secret organization is definitely hiding anything horrifying for sure, and b) doing WHAT right?! Alien experimentation? Or did he just mean like, doing “first contact” right in a way where they work with aliens and not immediately start a war? It’s...very unclear.

On that note, things were ridiculous right after the episode because NO ONE could figure out what it meant that Alex didn’t go with Forrest. Because Forrest IS with Deep Sky, but he’s going out of town so then if Alex goes with him he WON’T be recruited? Alex staying behind and letting the guy from Deep Sky leave meant he DID want to join Deep Sky? Could they have made it any more confusing? I guess it wouldn’t be one last c*rina episode if there wasn’t a plot that no one could figure out what the fuck was going on! 🙃

Okay, so it’s time for the REALLY salty salt! I’m going to put this part first above the cut because it’s where most of my issues with the episode come from. I always said I knew they absolutely would not just throw m*ria under the bus or actually call her out for being a horrible friend last season. With c*rina gone they want to move forward and put that season and the bad press around it behind them. But there were a few small, subtle things they could have done to mitigate the damage from last season specifically in regards to m*ria’s relationship with Alex, and Michael. We could have seen Alex suggesting other places to meet besides the Pony, we could have seen absolutely no mention of her from Alex at all (he didn’t mention Michael at all so it’s not like it’s hard), or just had some subtle nudges that Alex isn’t as fine with things as he appeared last season. I still have hope that we will get a little of that for Malex to try and repair the damage c*rina did to their love story by not allowing Alex to be upset in any capacity, and forcing Michael to choose m*ria over and over and re-”break up” with Alex a hundred times instead of showing the tension of Michael trying to be with someone else but still choosing Alex.

However, they didn’t do any of that, and actually really doubled down HARD on a lot of things from last season that were major issues with m*ria’s character. Now, I know c*rina wrote this episode, but they had said some tweaks were made to the script. I don’t know if there was a certain percent of the script that had to be kept in order for her to have the writing credit, but no matter what, she was not there by the time they shot the episode so even if the dialogue was kept, there were directing and acting choices that could have been made to mitigate some of the damage and that was not done either. I know a lot of people just want to sweep season 2 under the rug but quite frankly, totally ignoring what happened last season and not addressing it in ANY way isn’t going to fix the issue with m*ria, and is actually going to make it worse. There were several people who were waiting for this season so they could “like” m*ria again in the hopes she would be back to more of her season 1 self. That was never going to be me, but I was rooting for you all! However, this episode gave us exactly the same m*ria from last season which again, c*rina wrote the episode but choices were made in how that dialogue was handled and it all just doubled down on m*ria from last season. Did anyone feel like this was the new m*ria you’d been waiting for?

Maybe she’ll get better in the next couple of episodes but as far as a “new premier” episode to set the tone for the rest of the season, the choice they made with her character are not giving me ANY hope that she will get better. The writing for her might put her more central to the plot and may not revolve around Michael like it did last season, but I don’t see her actions and attitude changing, so they can tell me all day that Alex still thinks of her as a friend but until they show her actually taking responsibility for her actions (which they won’t because she’s perfect and can do no wrong and even if she does no one can acknowledge it and has to keep propping her up as The Best Friend To Ever Exist), then I’m going to continue to be utterly unable to watch her character or the way she treats Alex and Michael. So, as you last warning, this bit is 100% not m*ria or m*luca friendly and it’s definitely not friendly towards her relationship with Greg, and also has some of my more salty complaints about f*rlex, so enter at your own risk!

First of all, I think the dialogue with f*rolex has been talked to death but it was...cringey at best and here’s hoping with c*rina gone we don’t have to see that again. I’m going to stick with my personal headcanon that Alex saw f*rrest wanted to have a serious talk and he panicked and fell back on using sex as a distraction (kinda like m*ria used it every time she didn’t want to hear anything Michael had to say). I posted here about how the lines could hit different based on the people involved but it was...not a good look for a character we hardly know, and a side ship we have seen next to nothing about.

Now, the “Do I have competition” line is pure CAM doing The Most to undercut Malex just like always because giving how pressed she was about what she saw of 3x01 she had every intention of dragging f*rlex out for multiple episodes if not most of the season. But I like that Alex throws that back in f*rrest’s face by mentioning they weren’t exclusive which implies some competition. And f*rrest isn’t stupid, he clearly knows that song was about someone else, and possibly knows it was about Michael specifically.

As mentioned above, I do NOT think it was a wise choice to keep pushing the Alex/m*ria friendship when it could so easily have been left out of the episode. It was a choice to have Alex mention m*ria was texting him about getting back into town (also a choice I will discuss more later to have her and Greg mentioned in the same scene 🙄), and a choice to have Alex and Kyle meeting inside at the Pony instead of one of their houses, or outside on a park bench, or in the Crashdown, or even outside at the Pony like we saw Michael was, even though m*ria mentions he hasn’t been around. And the fact that they went out of their way to not only not address anything from last season between Alex and m*ria (though of COURSE m*ria get’s to be bitchy to Michael about it because she has hurt feelings after she never had anything nice to say to or about him and the was the one to break up with him, while Alex continues being her faithful friend and bar patron. I hate it here.), but are actively doubling down on that friendship is really making all my fears about them not even doing the barest minimum to address last season come true. I talked a little bit here about some of my fears of them either totally ignoring last season and/or forcing Alex and Michael to be m*ria/m*luca apologists and I really feel that not addressing it at all is the wrong choice. Again, I was not holding out for Alex blowing up at m*ria because I knew that would never happen, but they easily could have not had him say anything about her in this episode and with c*rina gone they could have just put distance between their characters which would be a way of addressing it without having to have Alex say anything and I could have even lived with that miniscule effort but we couldn’t even get that, but got them forcing that friendship even MORE. 🙃🙃🙃

On top of all of that, after what happened last season and specifically what happened in 2x06, putting m*ria with GREG of all people I think is another MASSIVE misstep, though of course people who were fans of that episode seem to agree with m*ria that her getting as close to Alex’s dick as possible is “cute” and they can’t wait for it. 🙄 But as someone who was finally happy for Alex to have ONE SINGLE PERSON that wasn’t trying to kill him or Michael actually acknowledge that Michael was massively important to Alex was so great last season and such a balm for what we had to put up with all season with Alex. So to have m*ria get to have that too is such a slap in the face, I literally cannot with how pissed I am about that choice.

As for Greg, he felt like such a different person but we didn’t know a lot about him last season and he did remember Isobel for a prank she pulled so him being a bad boy isn’t like, the worst thing to happen, but having him specifically going after m*ria after being the only one to stand up for Alex last season, an specifically saying he wished he would have stood up for Alex more, is just ridiculous. If anyone was going to get to be upset on Alex’s behalf if was Greg and now we see he can’t even be bothered to give the side eye to the woman who dated the man Greg knows Alex is still in love with and knows exactly what he means to Alex? That is the personality transplant I’m not happy with, and now I’m just holding out hope that he’s either actually Greg’s twin Clay, or he’s been evil this whole time and was working with Deep Sky and took his dad out on purpose. I was so excited to see more of him this season and now I’m absolutely done. And my poor Belmanes heart! I know some people are sill hoping for it to happen and who knows, it could, but I am SO UNBELIEVELY TIRED with shows just playing musical beds with all their characters because they have nothing better to do with them in their spare time but all fuck each other in rotating shifts and I just can’t.

As I talked about here, I don’t think Michael and m*ria ever worked as a banter couple because they were always on unequal footing so while they might have been trying to bring that energy from season1 back is absolutely does not work after everything that happened in season 2. m*ria ending things with Michael, but she also never had nice things to say to or about him so her being catty now about Alex when she absolutely knows that Alex hasn’t been in town is just SO unbelievably bitchy I was in shock. What right does she have to play the sad, jilted, bitter girlfriend after ALL of the shit she pulled last season?! This was another choice I’m utterly baffled about them keeping. And don’t get me started on the people thinking that scene was really cute and a soft scene for m*luca. She is literally dragging him about something she knows he is hurt and sensitive about for no reason other than to specifically hurt him. And then she has the audacity to try and reach out and touch him after purposefully saying something to hurt him? How anyone can think that is cute relationship material is beyond me. Plus you have her again talking shit about Michael behind his back. But where as we got to see Alex defending Michael every time that happened, now we get to see Greg “I know what he means to Alex” being too busy trying to prove his dick is bigger and more self-destructive so m*ria will pay attention to HIM now and I just... *screams into pillow* And if we can stop with the “m*ria just has to bat her eyes and everyone will fall all over themselves to do whatever she wants because she’s just SO irresistible” that would be fucking great.

Something else I’m confused about though, is m*ria calling Michael self-destructive, when the show tells us he’s actually been doing really well and getting his life together. BUT ALSO, m*ria mentions Michael hasn’t been around at the Pony, but at the start of the episode shows him having what is implied as a regular Pod Squad gathering at...the Pony where it’s also implied they have all had a lot to drink with Michael’s quip about no truth exercises after that much tequila. Would it be too much to expect the show to not contradict itself MULTIPLE times in the same episode?

And instead of trying to do anything at all to address m*ria’s behavior last season, they decided we needed to make her a more sympathetic character by showing her being “super cool and badass” and suffering what is for sure going to be a racial hate crime given what we know about the season which is...just so lazy.

And as a couple final, small, petty complaints, I don’t like that two years down the line after all the buildup for Malex, they are starting to use “cosmic” for Echo. And I don’t like that f*rlex got a forehead bump like we have been WAITING to see again for Malex.

Stop. Undermining. Malex.

#roswell nm #season 3 spoilers #things that did not spark joy #oh god this is so long #i just have a lot of feelings #and most of them are salty #anti miluca #anti maria deluca #anti forlex #i am so tired of looking at this #my brain is so *static noises* this week #*hands you incomprehensible BS* i maked this

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hidingunderadesk · 2 years

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Rewriting Bridgerton S2: Part 2

This is a continuation of → Part 1

Edwina and Anthony, after she runs from the altar 🙅🏽‍♀️

This scene was one of the worst and most incomprehensible in the entire season for me. It made NO SENSE whatsoever. Why would Anthony *still* be this fixated on marrying Edwina? Literally Kate had to convince him to do it in the first place? I get him maybe being resigned to the fact that the marriage might still have to take place because they have gone too far to turn back, but his adamant stance that the marriage still could work on any level, just did not track for me. As clueless, self-destructive, and completely un-selfaware as Anthony is, at this point he shouldn’t be able to keep up the lies to himself or Edwina anymore. The fact that he was literally picturing Kate as his bride and got down practically to his knees to help her pick up that bangle in front of the whole damn church in the middle of his fuckign wedding should have shot a hole right through his self-delusion that was so wide, he wouldn’t be able to ignore it. He should not be doubling down on this mistaken marriage at this stage. At this point, he should understand that he won’t be able to do it.

Edwina should absolutly be steering this conversation between them entirely. Anthony should be relatively silent and shamefaced. He should just stick to answering her questions, not trying to convince her or persuade her of anything at all.

This is a bare-bones version of how I think this scene should have played out:

E: Do you love me?

(long pause)

A : I understand you. We understand each other.

E: What about Kate? What are your feelings for her?

A (winces, stays silent)

E: (scoffs, furious)

E: Just go.

A: I’m sorr–

E: Just go!

A leaves, head down and ashamed.

Okay, so I’m not becoming a screenwriter anytime soon (or any kind writer, really, lol) but I think this conveys the general tone and gist of how I think some of this tete-a-tete should have gone.

At this point, I think Edwina should have realized that she can’t marry Anthony. He has deceived her and clearly does not love her. Cut all the other BS.

The Closet 😩

This scene is so wild in its original form on the show because Anthony follows Kate into the closet mere moments after telling Edwina he was going to cut Kate out of their lives! I was screaming at my TV for Anthony to stay the fuck away from Kate at this point. He then has the audacity to ask Kate to convince Edwina to marry him. I can’t rationalize this or understand this.

In this rewrite, Anthony hasn’t just come from straight-up lying to Edwina. Anthony knows now how much Kate means to him, and it would make sense for him to follow her. But Kate’s done with him at this point. I want him to try to hold onto her hand tighter and want to see Kate yank her hand away and leave him in the closet.

Edwina calls Kate and Anthony to the Church 💒

Edwina’s part plays out the same way; she tears into them both and tells them she won’t marry Anthony.

First Kiss 💋

This kiss threw me. I was shocked to see it happen here, in this way. I get what the show was trying to do. I do! That even at their lowest point, in their worst moment, at the most inopportune time, they still desire each other. They’re drawn to each other beyond all reason or sense. “Love doesn’t play by the rules, or whatever” It just didn’t play that way for me. So here’s my rewrite (and the biggest change I would make):

This should have been Kate’s lowest moment. She’s been abandoned by her entire family and is completely alone. The fact that she’s lost Edwina, that she’s hurt her sister, the one person she strove to protect and make happy beyond all others for almost her entire life should have broken her completely. Yes, she had that mini meltdown in the closet, but I really do think getting chewed out by Edwina, again here, would have shattered her. She’s been stifling her feelings for so long; they needed to finally come out in an explosive way. All her lies, all her guilt, the weight of her burdens, all of it. - It’s all my fault. Edwina hates me. She’ll never forgive me. I’ve ruined everything. I never should have asked you to marry Edwina. etc. - I wanted her to say these things out loud and for someone to hear them. At this point, she’s paid a much higher price for this situation than Anthony. To even things out somewhat, Anthony *deserved* to see her unrestrained pain that he was in large part responsible for. He deserved to be devastated over her anguish, to see the damage his choices have wrought. He should take responsibility and apologize to Kate (finally) for his contribution to this mess. - It’s not your fault. It’s my fault. I was wrong. I messed up. I’m so sorry. I should never have proposed to Edwina - This last bit, Kate deserves to hear this from Anthony. He does say it to Violet. But it’s Kate that needed to hear it from him. I wanted him to console her, to be there for her in this moment when no one else is - tell her it would all be okay, that Edwina would forgive her, maybe even confide what happened with him and Daphne.

Their first kiss can still take place here. But instead of being one of unrestrained desire and passion, it should be one of comfort and tenderness. Anthony kissing Kate softly, gently, to soothe her. When they break apart from this kiss, Kate should be horror-struck. Anthony, seeing her reaction, realizes, in trying to help her, he’s done *exactly* the wrong thing, yet again! Kate should run from church leaving Anthony behind shaken and devastated.

Scenes between the first kiss and Kate’s accident 😕

I liked a lot of this, so I won’t go into each scene individually. But the one issue I had was with the tone of some of these scenes. Kate and Anthony have been brought LOW. They have both failed so catastrophically at doing the one thing that was most important to them: protecting their families. Where is all the guilt? Where is all the self-loathing? I think I wanted to see them visibly struggle with this a bit more. The show tells us over and over again how they both live for their families, and now - BECAUSE OF THEM - their families have been thrown into scandal and disarray. I get that they both play things close to the chest, but, at times they seem almost, ~cheery~, especially Anthony? Also, before their sex scene at least, Anthony and Kate both think that they will never be able to be together ever again. I want to see this fact weigh on both of them. That being said, maybe having fucked up so badly, freed them in a way, and that’s why they weren’t so messed up about it all, idk?

Kate’s accident 🐴

There is a version of this story where Anthony doesn’t leave Kate’s side after her accident. Like he would be so scared to leave her for even a moment and refuse to leave her bedside. I think it would have been interesting to see Edwina observe this and finally see Anthony’s LOVE for Kate. It would have been a good way for her to soften toward him and get on the road to forgiving him. Maybe they would even have a heart-to-heart convo at her bedside and reconcile. But this is a more substantial rewrite, so let’s keep it as it happens in the show - that Anthony doesn’t visit Kate at all.

Violet tells Anthony that Kate’s awake 😥

I liked this scene. I liked that we saw him breakdown. If I could add something here it would be more of Anthony’s guilt. He says it to Benedict - that it was his fault. I want him to say it again here to Violet. That it’s his fault this happened to Kate, his mistakes that caused this. Basically implying that he doesn’t deserve Kate or happiness after all that he’s done. I want Violet to tell him not to make another mistake and to not let Kate go this time.

Love Confession ❤️

I liked this love confession scene and the preceding dance a lot. If I could add one thing to it, it would be Anthony telling Kate how scared he was of his feelings for her, but that he’s not anymore. He needed to tell Kate about his fear of falling in love and losing himself. It doesn’t have to be here, but Kate needs to know this. I think this is as good a place as any to tell her.

I have mixed feelings about the Kathani name drop. It felt bizarrely like a “reveal”?? I wish either Mary or Edwina could have referred to her by this name at least once? It just threw me to suddenly hear it from Anthony in this context at the end of the show.

Real Talk: I think it just upset me that we just didn’t know Kate’s full name for the entire fucking show when she is a lead character.

********************************************************************

So, that’s my rewrite! As lengthy as this got, I still think that the changes here are pretty minor and gentle overall, and still keep the story of the season intact. I just think certain elements of the story should have been explored further and more deeply or communicated more explicitly both to the audience and the characters themselves.

I don’t think this perfect or that well composed, but I’m glad I got this out. Just for myself. For the record, I’m also wildly embarrassed that I had this much to say about it at all 😂. And yes, THERE’S STILL MORE...(but only a teeny tiny bit)

Part 3: Final Thoughts

#bridgerton #bridgerton season 2 #kanthony #kathony #edwina sharma #bridgerton spoilers #i hate that i'm like this lol

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bobohu4eva · 3 years

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Pink Lace - Chapter 5

Characters: Baekhyun x Reader

Genre: College AU, stripper AU, fluff, smut, slow burn

Summary: Baekhyun, a philosophy professor with mysterious wealth, got himself completely fucked over a girl who can’t let him into her life.

Word count: 4k

Warnings: sex work, mentions of sexual assault, adult themes/situations, eventual smut

Tag list: @smolbeanmika @leave-me-in-the-summertime @totallynerdstuff @bbhmystar @nana-banana @kimyhappy @thegreatandi @geniusloey @deligxt @baekswifey @bbhyun506 @lovebuginlove @bellamendoza @baekyeonoreo @bobohumyonlyboo

Masterlist

After your conversation with Baekhyun Monday evening Tuesday was spent desperately trying to get Baekhyun off your mind, with little success. He’d asked you if you liked him like that, and you couldn’t tell him no. Hell, you knew in the back of your mind that the answer was definitely yes, you just couldn’t bring yourself to say it to his face.

As much as you did like him, the prospect of starting something with a customer who was also your professor was still terrifying. What if you two got together and people found out? Or what if things started to go south and you were still stuck with him as your teacher?

Despite your other schoolwork, and cleaning basically everything you possibly could, your mind just kept racing with every different possible scenario for if you did tell Baekhyun how you felt. And most of them were quite unpleasant. He could lose his job, you could make class absolute hell for yourself if things didn’t go well, and so on. Different possibilities played themselves out in your mind over and over, and there was little you could do to stop it.

However the thoughts that stuck with you the most were the ones where things didn’t end badly. Thoughts of his arms around you, his comforting words whispered in your ear, and the gentle touches of his pretty hands on your skin. As much as you fought it, the attraction was there.

The way your mind bounced between thoughts was stressful to no end. Every time you tried reasoning with yourself, you just thought about how good he made you feel when you were alone together.

Baekhyun was always so willing to be vulnerable with you, it made you feel appreciated. He was so open about his feelings, and honest with his intentions towards you that it made it difficult to push him away. You wanted to be able to show him the same kind of vulnerability as well, but the possibilities if you did still frightened you too much.

You knew you wouldn��t be able to go on like this forever, sooner or later you had to figure out what to say to him.

Your essay was plaguing you as well. You’d tried to start it on several occasions, but Plato’s writing was so old timey and incomprehensible you didn’t even know where to start. It also didn’t help that every time you tried to start writing, all you could think about was what Baekhyun would think. The idea of turning a shitty paper in for him to read and grade made you feel sick. You knew you were shooting yourself in the foot putting it off but you just couldn’t bring yourself to start it either.

“You’ve cleaned everything in the apartment. Twice. What’s with you today y/n?” Mia asked as she walked out of her bedroom and into the common area, finding you once again wiping down all the surfaces in the kitchen.

“I’m trying to distract myself, was that not obvious?” You knew what was coming next.

“Baekhyun still on your mind?”

Yes. He was. In every possible way, good and bad, and you couldn’t stop it.

“I think I do like him.”

“See! I knew it!” You rolled your eyes at her. “Anything exciting happen yesterday? Did you decide to keep the money?” She asked, sitting down at the dining room table, you sitting down across from her.

“I’m keeping it, I tried giving it back but he told me some stuff and turns out he doesn’t need it after all.”

“So he IS rich?!”

“Yeah... although not from anything cool or fun. His rich parents died recently.”

“Oh shit, that sucks. That must’ve been an awkward conversation.”

“Not really. I don’t know why but talking to him is getting easier and easier. I even stayed after he told me I could go.”

“You really must like him then, damn. Can’t blame you though, he is hot.” You shot her an angry look but you both knew she was right. “So what are you gonna do about it?”

“Do about what?”

“You liking him. He obviously likes you a lot too, so what happens next?”

“Nothing. He’s my professor.”

The look she shot you next said something reminiscent of ‘are you fucking serious’.

“Oh come on y/n this guy is hot, and rich, and super into you. Even if he is your professor you can’t pass up a fling at least.”

“And when it ends? What then? Or if someone finds out he’s fucking a student? He’d lose his job and it would be my fault.”

“No, it would be his fault, and he’s rich anyway so it wouldn’t even matter.”

You thought back to your last conversation with Baekhyun, and what he said about his parents. Even if he did choose to risk it for you, the thought of him losing a job that meant so much to him still didn’t sit right with you.

“It would matter to me. Either way I don’t want other students shit talking me either. If my classmates found out there was something between us it would be hell.”

“All I'm hearing right now, is that you just need to not get caught. The semester is only 16 weeks, as long as nothing gets out while you’re in his class nothing too bad can happen. You just have to be careful.”

You thought about it, and she wasn’t exactly wrong. As long as nothing got out while you were his student, nothing too bad could happen.

“He won’t lose his job if people find out we’re together later on when I’m not his student anymore, right?”

Mia shrugged. “He doesn’t hold any power over you anymore then so I don’t see why he’d get in any trouble. People might just think it’s weird since he’s older. How old is he anyway? He looks young.”

“I’m not exactly sure... Somewhere around 30? Late 20s maybe? I should ask him.”

“Yeah you should. I still have homework I need to do, I should get back to that.” She said before getting herself a glass of water and retreating back to her bedroom.

The next morning you were exhausted. You hadn’t gotten much sleep because of everything that was going through your head. You wanted Baekhyun, and he wanted you, but there was still too much risk involved. But part of you kept thinking about what Mia had said as well. Could a fling really be that bad?

You were nervous to see him too. You still hadn’t given him an answer to his question, and you knew you wouldn’t be able to dodge it forever. Lying seemed like a decent option, but you knew with how honest and vulnerable Baekhyun always was with you, you wouldn’t be able to bring yourself to lie to him. Especially when you did want something more with him, you were just scared.

As philosophy class drew closer and closer you felt uneasy. You felt bad seeing Baekhyun again without giving him an answer, but you didn’t know how or what to say. You only hoped he wouldn’t press you for it.

Class went by and you didn’t speak to him. He didn’t keep you after either, which was a relief. You had been hoping he’d at least go over some stuff that would help you on your essay, but you had no such luck, and you needed it done by midnight if you wanted any credit.

When you got home you cursed yourself for procrastinating so much, but you had other homework too and you knew you’d be able to focus on that better, so you started it first.

Eventually your mind got sucked into your physics assignment, and you forgot about Baekhyun and the essay, too focused on the task at hand.

By the time you were done with your other assignments it was 8pm. Four hours until you had to submit your essay. One hour went by just reading and rereading the text you were supposed to write about. Another was wasted on an intro paragraph you kept deleting, because you still couldn’t understand the text. When 10pm hit, and you started to panic.

You realized that you weren’t going to be able to do it. Your mind was now in freak out mode and you couldn’t concentrate anyway. Either the paper wasn’t getting turned in at all, or you needed to do something fast. In any other class you would’ve BS-ed your way through it to turn at least something in, but you just couldn’t do that knowing Baekhyun was going to read it. You weren’t going to be able to submit it that night, but you needed to at least contact him and explain so he wouldn’t think you were stupid.

By 10:30 you found yourself scrolling through your contacts, staring at his name. You’d thought about emailing him, but he probably wouldn’t see until morning and you didn’t have that much time.

In hindsight you probably would’ve been fine to just send an email and try to get an extension, but the combination of anxiety over your grade and wanting to talk to him had his name in your phone looking better and better.

So you called.

Your nerves were on fire as you waited for him to hopefully pick up. Was this stupid? Would he even answer? Worst of all, what if he was disappointed in you for not being able to do the assignment?

After a few rings, he picked up. “Hello?”

“Hi Baekhyun, it’s y/n.”

“Y/n? Are you alright what’s going on?” You could hear the concern in his voice even over the phone, and you remembered why he gave you his number in the first place.

“I- I can’t do the essay.” You felt your voice shake, before unloading all your grievances in one breath “I read the thing a million times and I still have no idea what it’s about and I put it off until tonight cause it was making me so anxious but I still can’t focus and now it’s too late and I don’t know what to do and I’m freaking out.”

You heard him sigh. “Slow down, It’s okay, I know it’s a difficult assignment. Have you at least started?”

“No..” You felt tears swelling in your eyes, threatening to spill and you’re sure he can hear it in your voice even over the phone. “Can I just skip this one? I tried to start it so many times but I don’t know how to analyze something I can’t even understand.” You choked out.

“Y/n...” You could tell he was thinking of what to do. He probably shouldn’t give you special treatment, and you knew that but right now you hoped he would just give in. Unfortunately you had no such luck. “I’m sorry but I can’t let you just not do it. It would make it too obvious that I’m treating you differently than other students.”

“Then can you at least help me? Or give me more time? Please?” You begged.

“I’m still in my office. I can help you if you meet me here.”

You felt your palms get sweaty and your heart beat faster at the idea of going to his office again after what had happened last time, especially this late at night and in such a fragile state.

“O-okay. I’ll be there in 10. Bye.” You said, hanging up before he could respond.

Quickly you got on some shoes and drove yourself to the building his office was located in. Last time you’d been in there he’d asked you about your feelings for him, and now you had to go back. You told yourself to just focus on getting the essay done, but the thought still hung around in the back of your mind as you walked down the hall towards Baekhyun’s office. You felt jittery and embarrassed, but you needed to do this for your grade.

After taking a few deep breaths to ready yourself, you knocked on the door, and heard a muffled “Come in” from the other side, so you let yourself in. Baekhyun was sitting at his desk, which was covered in papers you assumed he’d been grading. Instead of the nicer clothes he would usually wear during lecture, he was just wearing a black t shirt and sweats now.

“You know you scared the shit out of me when you called. I thought you were in danger or something.” He said to you as you sat down in front of him. “I really didn’t think you’d call me over school work.”

“I’m sorry..”

“It’s okay! I’m not mad or anything, just surprised. What part of the text are you having trouble with?”

“All of it...” You felt your lip starting to quiver. “I’m sorry I know this sounds so stupid and you probably think I’m just trying to take advantage of how you like me but I promise it’s not like that.” You said, looking down and fidgeting with your hands, trying to hide the frustration on your face.

Baekhyun crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair, smiling. “I never said I thought that. I told you it’s not an easy assignment, it’s ok if you’re having trouble. Plato can be difficult especially for people who aren’t used to reading things that old.”

“I should’ve at least started earlier...”

“Probably, but it’s too late to dwell on that now. Let’s just try to go over the reading together, yeah?” You nodded.

He moved his chair to your side of the desk before opening your textbook to the reading for the essay.

“So the first thing that makes The Ring of Gyges so confusing is that you don’t really know who’s talking. Basically it’s a conversation between Plato and his brother Glaucon where they’re discussing justice, and it’s actually Glaucon speaking for most of it, not Plato.”

You were listening to what he was saying of course, but you were still distracted by the proximity. Baekhyun was sitting right next to you now, arms almost touching. The only other time the two of you got that close was at the club. And you did not need to be thinking about that while he was explaining your assignment to you.

“Are you following me so far?”

Your eyes immediately shot up from the book to meet his, and you quickly nodded. Having him look you in the eyes again like that made your face feel hot.

“Glaucon argues that people only peruse justice for the benefits of it, and not because they actually want to be good people. He uses the example of a ring that grants it’s user invisibility, therefore allowing them to do unjust things like steal without being caught. He tells Plato a story about a man who finds such a ring and uses it do overthrow the king.”

You groaned. “It still doesn’t make sense though, what does some story about a stupid ring have to do with justice?”

“Well, if you were given the ability to steal and deceive people for your own benefit, without ever having to worry about getting caught, wouldn’t you do it too?” You stayed silent. “Basically, what you need to understand is what Glaucon is arguing. He’s saying that doing good deeds isn’t a part of human nature, and everyone would behave unjustly if they knew they would never get caught. Therefore, justice is something people pursue not out of want, but out of fear of the consequences if they don’t.”

All you could do was stare at him. It was infuriating how attractive he sounded while explaining it to you.

“Do you have a bit of a better idea what to write about now? Remember it’s only two pages, so don’t stress too much.”

You snapped yourself out of your thoughts. “Yeah, it makes a bit more sense now... do I still need to finish it tonight or?”

“Friday. Just email it to me by midnight on Friday and I won’t count it late.” He said, smiling again.

“Thank you for doing this, I’m sorry it was so late and everything.”

Baekhyun just chucked, “You know if it’s you I don’t mind. You could keep me here all night with questions and I wouldn’t stop you. But you understand now, right?”

The way he was smiling at you now along with the closeness was making you slightly dizzy.

“I think so, Glaucon is basically saying that injustice is better than justice then right? Because everyone would do unjust things if they’d always get away with it.”

Baekhyun nodded.

“So according to him the best way to live life would be to do things you know are wrong, but without being caught.”

“Exactly. See, I knew you were smart, y/n.” A smirk had made its way onto his face as he spoke.

You couldn’t help connecting what he was saying to what you were feeling inside towards him. You wanted him, and you knew it was wrong, but how could you deny it to yourself when it felt so right?

“Baekhyun...” You asked, hesitantly. “D-do you think it’s okay to do things you know are wrong, as long as no one finds out?”

“I think it depends what you’re talking about.” He answered, now looking you in the eyes again with intensity. “I would never kill anyone, for any reason, even if I knew I could get away with it. But, if I really wanted something, I think I would take it.”

You were hyperaware of how his eyes were now scanning your face, lingering on your lips. “Take what?”

A hand made contact with your thigh, slowly moving up until he stopped, right below the hem of your shorts. His thumb drew soft circles on the sensitive inner flesh, giving you goosebumps.

“I know you feel it too, you want this, don’t you?” Baekhyun asked, now moving a stand of hair out of your face. He let his hand rest on the back of your neck, keeping you facing towards him.

Your heart felt like it was about to short circuit from how fast it was beating. Your palms were sweaty and you could feel yourself shaking slightly. The way his thumb stroked your neck beneath your ear made you shiver, and you knew he saw. All you could do was stare back at him, dumbfounded. Any words you tried to get out stuck in your throat. He was right, you did want it. Now more than ever.

“Tell me you don’t want this. Tell me you don’t want me to kiss you right now. I dare you.” He said, running his thumb over your bottom lip, eyes fixed on how it trembled beneath his touch. He was slowly moving your face closer his, but you didn’t stop him.

Your silence told Baekhyun all he needed to know, and his lips quickly found yours. Immediately you let yourself melt into the kiss. You felt your whole body buzzing, finally getting what it had wanted for so long. His lips felt unbelievably soft against yours, moving in a slow rhythm as his other hand came up from your thigh to cup your face as well. You wrapped your arms around his neck and deepened the kiss, letting it become messier and more desperate.

“I like you” you pulled away just enough to whisper “so fucking much.” You felt him grin into the kiss as your lips met again.

He tasted like strawberries, and you felt high as your lips kept crashing together with more and more need. Your whole body felt like it was set on fire and simultaneously dunked in an ice bath, every nerve vibrating with want.

When Baekhyun pulled your bottom lip gently between his teeth you let out a soft moan, and he started to lose it. He broke the kiss, standing up and pulling with him, before backing you up against the wall, a hand on either side of your head.

“Sweetheart, don’t push me” He breathed, and started peppering kisses along the side of your neck, from under your ear down to your collarbone, sucking and biting on the way.

Trapped between him and the wall, you felt weak and breathless. Your brain was in overdrive and you gasped at his ministrations, hands burying themselves in his soft hair. His hands had traveled down to your waist, holding you against him tightly.

“Baekhyun” You breathed out, rubbing your thighs together as he sucked on a particularly sensitive spot.

“Fuck, y/n. Don’t say that.” He forced the words out through gritted teeth.

His body pressed you into the wall, and your arms wrapped around him pulling him into you even tighter. He was completely consuming your senses and your knees felt wobbly from the intensity of it all. He was already smothering your entire front, but you tried to pull him even closer regardless.

You felt something hard press into your hip as his mouth covered yours again, and this time you shamelessly moaned his name into his open mouth.

Much to your disappointment, Baekhyun immediately detatched himself from you, backing up until his back hit the opposite wall of the office. You could see how turned on he was by the outline of his dick through his pants and the pained look in his face.

“Fucking christ...” He said, leaning his head back against the wall and closing his eyes. You just watched from the other side of the room. He kept his eyes closed and you observed as his jaw clenched and unclenched before you heard him continue. “You have to go. If you don’t I’m gonna fuck you on my desk and I won’t be gentle.”

Your throat went dry at his crude words, but you couldn’t deny your own arousal. You walked back towards him, reaching out to touch his chest which was now rising and falling rapidly, but he grabbed you before you could make contact. His grip on your wrist was so tight it was almost painful. His knuckles were white, and you could see a drop of sweat trickle down the side of his face.

His eyes bore into your own with a stare that warned you not to try anything more.

“I’m sorry y/n but you have to leave. Not tonight. Not like this.” With his free hand he grabbed your belongings off his desk, shoving them into your arms.

Still speechless, he opened the door and pulled you outside before going back in and closing the door behind him. You stood and stared at his office door for a minute, recollecting yourself and processing what the hell had just happened.

Eventually your shaky legs began making their way down the hallway, back towards your car. You were pretty sure a janitor saw you as you turned the corner just down the hall from Baekhyun’s office. You kept your head down, trying to hide your face best you could while hurrying past.

Once you were sitting in your car, you slumped into the seat, mind still in a daze after what happened in Baekhyun’s office. You waited for your breathing and heartrate to slow down before you drove away.

Baekhyun left shorty after you as well, unable to concentrate on anything but the sound of you moaning his name. He felt terrible for throwing you out of his office but he’d meant what he said. He didn’t want his first time to have you to be in his office, purely fueled by pent up lust. He wanted to give you more than that.

More than anything, he just couldn’t believe he’d gotten what he’d wanted for the entire summer. It didn’t seem possible, but now it had happened. And you actually kissed him back. It felt too good to be true. He felt himself once again struggling to sleep, but this time because he was too excited. This time, he didn’t have to keep himself up wondering, he knew he had you. He just couldn’t wait to see what would happed now.

You on the other hand couldn’t stop worrying about that exact thing as you stared at the ceiling above your bed. What would happen now? The thoughts weren’t fearful anymore, there was just too many of them to shut your mind down enough to sleep.

You’d finally allowed yourself to give into him, and there was no more turning back.

Next Chapter

#baekhyun #exo #baekhyun fluff #baekhyun smut #baekhyun fanfic #exo fanfic #exo fluff #exo smut

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tungstenb · 2 years

Text

20 Callbacks You May Have Missed in SAtS Chapter 20

I've mentioned before that I wrote SAtS completely out of order---while my outline was solid and I never did stray from it (besides some last-minute restructuring of my odd chapters), I navigate writing 100% by intuition, as if I'm cutting out and coloring individual puzzle pieces only to find that they do, in fact, miraculously fit together once I lay them all out. That being said, 20 is teeming with callbacks not because I'm some genius of planning, but because it was the first chapter of SAtS that I'd drafted.

Chapter 20, as you probably caught, contains SAtS's central premise---or at least an unreliably narrated version of it.

I know I don't have the kudos to justify making posts analyzing all the BS effort I put into writing, but I do have a small handful of readers who (correctly) treat SAtS like a novel rather than a fanfic, and I wanted to draw attention to things fans may have missed. These are just off the top of my head; there are far more references I’ve forgotten, for sure.

Long and self-indulgent. You've been warned.

(1) Describing Liara's med-bay "quarters"

The opening paragraphs are in reference to the headcanon I introduced in Chapter 4 (that eidetic memory is common in asari) as well as the later details I added regarding their biotic field sixth sense (you can't manipulate the mass around you if you can't somehow sense/feel/map it innately).

Specifically, the snack wrappers are a callback to "NutriBrick, Made With Real Peanuts!" from Chapter 4; the color-swirl glass teacups are the same ones she purchased in Chapter 6; and the whining ventilation duct is mentioned... many times in previous chapters.

(2) Failing at meditation

Most of SAtS's plot occurs within Liara's head, and this chapter is no exception. In the earlier even chapters, Liara uses mind-partitioning/meditation as a tool to distract herself from her real trauma: the incident on Therum, the fate of the Protheans, her mother's death, and, you know, Reapers. Her obsession with Shepard as an artifact/romantic interest is very convenient, even though it backfires catastrophically, and I've spared no effort lampshading this in SAtS. If she spent as much time thinking about the fate of the galaxy (incomprehensible terror) as she did thinking about Shepard (hahaha, silly crush), she'd cook her mind.

(3) Door knocks

I'm not going to go back and try to find every example of Liara waxing poetic about something as mundane as Shepard knocking on the med-bay door. They're there; you can find them; but here's a single example, one that tickles me because of the nested parentheses.

Chapter 18:

After meditation and tea, her afternoon likewise progressed without incident or interruption, though that, while not unusual in itself, was not was she'd hoped for: she'd long since grown accustomed to answering a daily knock at her door. (And not only were both Dr. Chakwas's and Shepard's knocks wholly distinct, like two different percussive languages, but Liara'd learned to tell even their approaching footsteps apart, so there was never any question who she'd greet.) Approximately 60 percent of her days saw Shepard stop by between lunch and dinner. And even on those days, she occasionally visited again later in the evening (with information to share or a specific question to ask, but always a nonurgent correspondence that could've been handled easily via messaging, nonetheless [How did I ever perceive this as insignificant... Liara thought, with mild bashful self-admonishment. She really was going out of her way to spend time with me]).

Chapter 20, with role-reversal becoming a theme:

It was 2314, and for the first time since coming aboard, Liara decided she would knock on Shepard's door.

(4) P-Shep's body language

One of the first things Liara notices upon entering P-Shep's quarters is her body language: slumped, distracted, perhaps nervous. Chapter 20:

Shepard, in a gray T-shirt and boxer shorts, sat slouched over her desk, eyes closed, mouthing silent words. She opened her eyes, resumed typing---likely whatever she'd just spoken to herself---but gave no indication of acknowledging Liara's presence. There was something unfamiliar about the set of her shoulders, the slight sullen tilt of her head, the shadowy gaunt of her features in the orange glow of her terminal; something unusual about the room's thick buzzing tension squeezed the air from Liara's lungs. Lingering by the door, she stood frozen in place, trapped breathless and mute by a coil of anxiety and fresh waves of shame. Whatever anger had emboldened her earlier dissolved, dissipating uselessly.

She opened her mouth to speak but found no words.

Shepard stopped typing and closed her eyes again, exhaling heavily.

Liara tried her words once more.

"Is this a bad time?" she managed, just above a whisper.

Shepard leaned forward and rested her cheek in one hand, elbow on the table. Kneading her brow, she turned a half-obscured face toward Liara.

"No... no. No. It's fine," she said, shifting to rub her eyes with both hands. Dropping her palms with a clap to her bare knees, she met Liara's gaze directly only to look back down a second later. "I---I'll make tea."

This is a reversal of the interaction in Chapter 14, when Shepard checks in with Liara after Noveria:

Behind her, Shepard took a slow, deep breath in, then exhaled. "I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through right now," she said, voice low and oddly wooden. "And I realize I'm probably the last person you want standing here, so if you want me to leave, please tell me as much, and I will."

Liara's jaw tensed as she balled her fists in her lap. There was a correct course of action here and she didn't, in her current state, trust herself to follow it. What she wanted, what she needed, what she knew was proper to expect or to ask, all stood in conflict with one another, trapping her in paralyzing indecision. Every muscle held in calculated rigidity. Her breathing tight and shallow. Her emotions---emptiness, yearning, anticipation, despair---nearly bursting from her chest.

She knew how Shepard would interpret inaction in this case. Knew if she remained frozen as she was, Shepard would take the hint and leave. What would she regret more? Telling her to leave, indirectly or not, when the thing she wanted most was for her to be here with her? Or forcing her to stay and having to deal with the guilt, the repercussions of overstepping and asking too much?

Where was her strict compartmentalization now? The strength she'd developed by Shepard's example? The independence her mother had instilled in her?

Liara leaned her weight into her arms, hands pressed into her knees, and hung her head. Without turning an eye toward Shepard she rose from her seat, flipped the switch to turn on her desk lamp, then activated her tea kettle before taking the few sulking, heavy steps to her cot, where she sat down with her back to the wall and tucked her legs up to her chest.

(5) "Look at me."

(This entry should be the last if we're going by each lines' appearance in 20, but I wanted to end on something a bit more significant so I've moved this entry up.)

In 20, Liara says this:

"Shepard. Shepard, look at me." Liara gave her arms a squeeze, then another, until she complied. "You know I'd do anything for you."

P-Shep uses "Liara, look at me" several times in earlier even chapters, as Liara has a tendency to avoid eye contact. The first instance is in Chatper 2!

Again, yet another example of the role-reversal.

(6) Legal stimulants (even though it’s herbal “tea” in 20)

I jokingly refer to SAtS as "character development through tea," mostly because P-Shep's interactions with it are fairly revealing and hint at deeper plot elements (it should be obvious by this point in the flashback chapters that Peesh is hiding her biotic status from Liara). Eezo contaminants or not, the tea in Chapter 20 is another aspect of the role reversal I'd planned. Presumably Shepard went and purchased the same fancy tea kettle model that Liara purchases in Tayseri Ward (Chapter 6).

Chapter 20:

Eleven days. Liara'd originally written off the observation as a mistake, having noted the tea kettle box when she stood here that day, eleven days ago---because as far as she knew, and had known, Shepard only ever drank coffee. So but standing here now, with the water temperature rising and Shepard's fingertips drumming dap-dap-dap-dap-dap, Liara's chest grew tight, her head swam, her heart leapt with surging emotional pangs, sudden and almost physically incapacitating. Shepard, Liara realized, had either purchased tea supplies for herself---had either taken a genuine liking to tea via Liara's influence, or was attempting to acquire a taste-or expected Liara to visit her, here, real or imagined impropriety aside.

Which leads us to...

(7) Eleven Days

The vignette structure of Chapter 18 is set up like a daily journal, where Liara notes each day that Peesh avoids her, from Day 1 to Day 11.

Discussion of Peesh's emotional abuse in Chapter 19:

"That, young Dr. T'Soni, is a very... dangerous... mindset. I am... I am unsure what to say, other than frankly I'm appalled on your behalf." [V'Leera] laughed disdainfully. "And to question your judgment if she was like this from the start."

Liara puffed air out her nose. "No, no she was not. Her first transgression... she went and moped in her room for eleven days without talking to me, and I, at the time, thought that was awful."

"A test?" questioned V'Leera. She flicked the rock she held, and it drifted slowly down and settled on the surface of the water, floating there, tapping against the boulder's side.

Chapter 20:

Of all the things it could have been, the emotions boiling just shy of making her flare her biotics were not due to something that made sense:

It had been eleven days since Shepard had last knocked on her door, and Liara was on the verge of a fit.

(8) Model ships and mint tea

This is just to showcase some of the more atmospheric stuff I've written. Goes to show that the moment portrayed in 20 was fairly significant for her.

Chapter 17:

"And now I lie here," Liara went on, raising her head to view the room, "and it's as if I cannot make sense of what happened. Attempting to keep her alive in ways I knew would destroy me; wondering from whom this originated: I do not understand who I am either with or without her." Her voice became small. "I feel lonesome without her. Our child is gone. But... but Petra is here, she's still here in the wisps of memories that surface when my eyes linger on, say, that model of the Destiny Ascension..." She pointed to the model-ship display case so Tali could follow her gaze. "I remember it like it was yesterday, when I first stepped into her quarters on the SR-1... it was the first model I'd witnessed her build. The flagship of my people. She later finished it, then promptly moved on to constructing a relay. When I visited her next, eleven days later... her fingers stained with metallic-toned paint, the scattered pieces of the relay strewn about the table, the taste of the mint tea she'd made for me lingering on my tongue and the heaviness trapped within me just waiting to burst forth... that's when I realized we were inseparable. That we were both meant to be." Liara paused, returning her head to the bed after one last long look at the scale-model ships. The mock-eezo gleamed. Tali's boots tapped absent nonrhythms on the floor.

Chapter 20:

Liara stepped slowly toward the table as if navigating difficult terrain, choosing a seat offering tabletop space unlittered with relay flotsam. She shifted, fidgeted, rubbed at her crest, then, with nervous hesitation, reached out to examine the scale-model relay's core. The substantially weighted clear marble, solid and polished to high gloss, fluoresced in the light as she turned it in her fingers, its thready internal glasswork strands of inert mock-eezo finessed into a mesmerizing glowing burst. Shepard coughed quietly. Liara froze and glanced furtively but found Shepard fully turned away, not staring with reproach. She set the core back down regardless; it rolled to contact one side of its corral of unassembled gyroscope pieces, the table unbalanced. The tea kettle clicked as the heating cycle finished, and Liara squeezed her eyes shut against another wave of guilt incoming.

[...]

Liara studied the color of the tea in the drab ceramic mug, if only to delay. She took a breath to speak, turned the mug by its handle, looked up. Shepard's eyes were sunken and tired and heavy lidded, darkened with purplish circles, and Liara had to close her mouth on her thought. She watched curls of steam rise from the tea's amber surface. Each rapid heartbeat thumped, powerfully pronounced, rippling through her extremities as she sought a sense of calm from the cooling warmth of aromatic mint. She rubbed uneasily at a scuff on the tabletop. Still she found her eyes wandering, lingering instead on Shepard's hands, her skin stained with silver-gray paint, her fingernails bitten to the point of bleeding.

As above. Chapter 20 has some of my favorite prose, which, incidentally, seems to be the type of prose people in fan spaces LOVE to roast.

***(9) "Girl, no."***

Chapter 20:

Had Liara known her for anything other than candor and levelheadedness, transparency and capability, perhaps the embers of her frustration wouldn't have been so readily rekindled. But Shepard's obvious deflection and obfuscation, her speech laced with bitterness despite sounding otherwise bland and unforthcoming, was altogether vexing. Liara readied herself as she waited for Shepard to speak, determined to crack her uncharacteristic facade. And Shepard owed it to her: a full, honest answer. If Liara was at fault---despite this flimsy initial insistence that she wasn't---it was imperative she knew what cultural or interpersonal misstep she had committed, egregious or not, to have warranted such avoidance. Even if it meant a simple apology for the hurt and concern Shepard had caused her would be an afterthought.

Unreliable narration: see Shep's behavior in any other even chapter. When DollyLlama read this, she yelled "Liara, girl, no, literally the opposite!!" at me and she is Right.

***(10) Self-sabotage***

Liara slowly begins to accept, in the odd chapters, that her relationship with Peesh was unhealthy. Part of this involves Liara reflecting on Peesh's harmful coping mechanisms during their time together. (In the even chapters, she fails to recognize the red flags---or is convinced she can somehow "fix" Peesh.)

Chapter 11:

But there was a terrifying side to [Shepard], a selflessness that verged into reckless sacrifice, the overlap with her lingering death wish a frightening reality paired with her tendency to charge---often literally---into danger, without hesitation and with no regard to her own continued well-being or for the sanity of the people who loved and cared about her. It was as if she lived for the responsibility that had befallen her, but at the same time, wished to be free of it.

(Also discussed in Chapter 19; see point (15) below.)

Chapter 20:

"Do you really want to know why I was avoiding you?" she said, voice gentle but tinged with hesitancy.

Liara sniffed. "I think I already have an idea."

Sighing again, Shepard sank, her gaze shadowy and her tone low and blunt. "You're probably thinking I'm afraid of commitment, or afraid of my own feelings, or set on an inevitable course of self-sabotage like some sort of fuck-up, and yeah, you probably thought right."

See quote for (17), which fits here too.

Liara please... listen to her, she's not self-flagellating without cause. She's being honest, and that should scare you.

***(11) Fairness***

Shepard mentions several times an aspect of "unfairness" (read: power imbalance) to the relationship; she's right and she should say it. The only appropriate thing ANY Shepard can do in ME1 is turn Liara down. I've discussed this in much more detail here.

Chapter 16:

"Could've been catastrophic had I misread. But either way," [Shepard] added, shrugging. "Wouldn't've been fair."

"To me?"

Shepard smiled without mirth.

Chapter 20:

Shepard inhaled sharply through her teeth. "Liara, I know you've come to think that you know me, but I assure you that's not the case."

"I'm getting to know you." Liara gave Shepard's hand a gentle shake of reassurance and forced a smile. "I know our time may be limited, but I'd like to continue to do so, if... if that is something you want, still."

"I do," Shepard said emphatically, but as if it pained her. "But I keep asking myself if that's fair to you."

The boss/employee dynamic is already sketchy, but everything we know about Liara in-game adds to the relationship’s unfairness.

(12) Saren strangles Shep on Virmire

I really have no reason to include these excerpts other than the fact that the paragraph ending in "carotid" is one of my favorite paragraphs/transitions in all of SAtS. I was laughing my ass off when I wrote it.

Chapter 18:

[Liara] bit her lip; whatever she'd eaten last wasn't sitting right, and her ankle was sore, and the room was cold, and Shepard's voice was flat as she addressed them all. But Liara couldn't look at her. Could only silently analyze the way she said "deeply saddened" and "thankful for her sacrifice" in the practiced manner of someone who felt nothing, or had stood in front of a mirror repeating a heartfelt speech until its meaning sloughed off, the only thing remaining the words' bare sounds themselves. But her conversational stutters, her false starts, indicated to Liara that wasn't the case; she was speaking extemporaneously, standing there in the comm room's center, shifting her weight, cracking her knuckles, occasionally letting a hand drift to the raw red smear on her neck from when Saren had strangled her. Her voice wasn't laden with excess sadness, and she held herself proudly, if with mannerisms suggesting hidden tetchiness.

Chapter 20:

Shepard shrank away and didn't say anything, rubbing the back of her neck. The bruises from when Saren had strangled her were now dark purple, not yet progressed to yellowish green---that would take a bit longer, several more days for her body to break down her blood's red cells and reuse the hemoglobin. Her pulse was visible as Liara stared. Unbidden, her mind supplied a word Dr. Chakwas'd taught her: carotid.

***(13) "Purpose" (i.e. oh big yikes holy shit)***

From Chapter 14:

"I wish I had the words to make some sort of difference," she continued, voice level but almost brittle. "And I wish I could say something that would make things right but I can't. I know I can't. Honestly I---I don't understand how you can stand me to be here, I... I didn't think you'd want me to be. But I'm here for you, I'm here because I can tell right now you need someone I just..." She swallowed. Tightened her arms as Liara shook again. "Why it's me, I don't get that. I'm not... I'm not good at this."

Liara tried and failed to inhale deeply through her sobs, not yet prepared to speak, though her thoughts were desperate and incredulous: Really? "Why you"?

She shifted, squeezing her eyes shut as her face stuck to Shepard's shirt soggy with tears and unfortunate snot. And as she she sniffled, as she clutched at the bunches of fabric growing hot in her clammy hands, as she pressed into her chest, trying to find any additional means of closeness, she breathed into her, wondering what soap or cologne lent her that fragrance, fresh and warm and somehow familiar even though it was a scent she could not place.

Because you've always been there for me? Because you're the only one I could go to?

It wasn't strictly true. She could have sought out Dr. Chakwas or even Tali---but she had not.

It hadn't even crossed her mind.

Also 14:

"Because my purpose is here," Liara said, before she could stop herself.

It would be difficult for Shepard to argue whether staying was purposeful. Still, Liara shuddered, hiding it with an overenthusiastic sniffle, startled when her mind added, or amended, or specified, Because you are here.

Chapter 20:

"I should not have to remind you I am my own person," Liara said, "and thus can make my own informed decisions. And I am only stronger because of what you've given to me, what you've taught me, on this journey. Let me provide for you personally. I want to."

"See, that's... that's what I'm talking about." Her sardonic laugh, then, sounded almost like a whine. "I can't be your purpose."

...implying that P-Shep knew, all along, about Liara's unhealthy level of attachment.

The Chapter 14 quote is an example of my erring on the side of overexplaining; I recognize that casual readers make up the majority of any fanfiction's audience and won't catch subtler themes. (I hate spoon-feeding, but it is what it is.) Careful readers will recognize at this point that "my purpose is here" has a troubling dual meaning, as it refers both to Liara's occupation on the Normandy and her obsession with Shep (as artifact, as love interest): in many ways, as I've illustrated, they're one and the same, which is much of the impetus for Liara's psychological downfall.

***(14) Liara is uncertain about who Shepard really is***

Chapter 8:

Two weeks of casual chats had solidified the concept in her mind that the person Shepard was when she tapped on the door of the med storage room was a different version of herself than she presented elsewhere. Even now, as she idly flattened her hair with her free hand, face set in blank and placid stoicism, it was as if she were saying something in her silence, eyes offering the depths of some inexplicable and indescribable nonverbal connection.

Chapter 10:

Back behind closed doors, [Shepard] showed Liara a striking gentleness, almost at odds with her behavior in public and her intensity in combat. But while she could be tender, her vulnerability was deceiving, superficial---an inherent dichotomy, she was honest yet reserved, like an open book with lines redacted.

Chapter 20:

"You are not a different person behind closed doors," Liara asserted. Shepard looked distant, compact, unstable---something within her threatening to buckle as Liara spoke. "I don't see you any differently just because you've let your guard down."

Which is it, Liara? When did your opinion switch? Are you sure you're sure about this?

***(15) Avoidant personalities in relationships with asari == problems***

Chapter 14:

They both drank their tea in a silence that stretched on uncomfortably, until at length, Shepard spoke up again.

"I'm sorry things turned out the way they did," she said, voice heavy with remorse, obviously fumbling in her attempts to break the silence. "I..."

She didn't continue her thought. There was a distinct uncertainty in her voice, an odd, thin quality like it was just on the verge of cracking. Liara glanced aside, tried to study her face, held eye contact as if she could glean the thought and emotion behind Shepard's limited ability to articulate. She found no indication she was anywhere near tears, her expression measured and unreadable, her gaze unwavering and presence solid.

It would be a huge breach of trust to try to reach for her mind. Between asari it may have been different, when a friend or family member would be implicitly expected to initiate a shallow meld in this instance. A gesture of familiarity, an attempt to understand and heal and facilitate communication when the other party was obviously struggling. But even if Shepard were asari, had their friendship crossed the necessary threshold of closeness? Would Shepard be willing to subject herself to that level of vulnerability?

Why even bother with such abstractions?

Chapter 16:

"Between asari," Liara began, "melding is simply another means of communication. Even before we are born, our mothers reach for us. And as we grow, we use this ability to greet loved ones, to communicate emotion, to exchange information. It is only natural for us to reach for one another, but as you are human..." She paused. "I wanted you to know I would never do that intentionally, not without your permission."

Shepard studied her for a moment. "You said 'intentionally.' Is that for a reason?"

"Yes. Sometimes when... when two have joined, and joined deeply, harmoniously, their minds may spill into one another's in sleep. One may reach for another unconsciously."

Shepard said nothing, eyes fixed on her---but she seemed to stare not at Liara but somewhere distant, as if staring through her, lost in thought. Liara stopped herself from (physically) reaching out by forming a first beneath her chin.

"Does that startle you?" she said, voice small.

While serene, Shepard's expression still suggested her mind was adrift. "Not at all."

"Perhaps I am speaking rashly." Liara chuckled, half-embarrassed. "I do not believe it is a reasonable concern. Reaching such subconscious synchronization, such familiarity, takes time and frequent joining. Even for many asari–asari couples."

Shepard blinked a few times, and her eyes lost their glaze.

"True joining," Liara clarified, "when two become one." She enunciated clearly, poetically, authoritatively. "Swept up in one another---a single rapturous whole."

That got a smirk out of Shepard, who then too started chuckling.

Liara felt silly. "Shepard. What?"

It took a few attempts for Shepard to manage her response: "No secrets in the bone zone."

Chapter 19:

The scattered cups of peeled fruit skin Liara'd tossed into the pond drifted away like aimless boats. In her cheek, a small collection of seeds rattled woodenly against her teeth. From the day she'd been picked up from the Mars Archives to the first time Shepard had let her mental guard down and allowed Liara to meld with her was nearly two months. Sex without joining was intense but unfulfilling. For too long Liara only found Shepard's mind through nightmares; forced melding while she was awake left both of them emotionally nauseated and Shepard even more aloof and on-edge.

The seeds in her mouth reminded her of when Shepard would choke down mouthfuls of pills, dry. She used to say a bruised esophagus reminded her she was alive. It hurt, much like nonconsensual melding hurt. Like being told "You shouldn't have to carry my pain."

Chapter 20:

"I don't want you ever to think you need to hide from me," Liara said with as much clarity and assertiveness as she could muster. More quietly, and with a squeeze at Shepard's hand, she added, "If we were to join... and I mean truly join..." It would be near-impossible for you to hide, anyway, was the logical conclusion, better left unsaid.

Be careful what you wish for, Liara.

***(16) "Too strong to cry"***

This line appears several times:

Chapter 14:

Bruised and compact, Liara waited. If she peeled her chin from her knee, there would be two matching lilac ovals on her skin from the pressure. If she sipped her tea, it would taste strongly tannic. She wondered how she would react if Shepard cried, spilling a fervent apology---why else would she be here? Maybe Liara wanted to see it if only to feel better about herself, or to prove that the divide between them was smaller than she suspected; they both had blood on their hands. She imagined Shepard was too strong to cry. An apology would only prove she wasn't heartless.

Chapter 19:

"I'm not sure. She was... is?... complex, convoluted in unexpected ways." [...] "I have to admit," she recalled, "that a large part of me was relieved to see her so broken, and that she let that show---because it proved to me she did need me, despite how sincerely I believed she was too strong for that: too strong to feel, too strong to cry, too strong to be... changed by me. But I was wrong. Not a day later... we joined. And soon after that... Sovereign fell."

Liara unhealthily reveres P-Shep's "strength" in the even chapters and ends up using some version of this when her obsession shifts to information/hunting the Shadow Broker in ME2. Also in even-numbered-SAtS, she shows and unhealthy obsession with trying to bridge the gap between herself and Peesh.

Chapter 12:

Reluctantly, she met Shepard's eyes again. The words spilled out before she could stop them. "I did not want to disappoint you," she began, her voice too quiet at first. "I thought I had disappointed you---was certain that I had---and I expected you would come here to make it abundantly clear to me that while my biotics may be strong, I'm too weak-spirited to be using them in this context. I feared what repercussions you would ensure I faced."

The truth, or simply what Shepard is expecting to hear?

Liara continued, volume faltering, "I saw your example and I wanted to believe I could find similar strength within myself. But I am not as strong as I wish I could be. I am not like you."

But I am trying.

"Liara, I wouldn't call it---no." Shepard stopped herself mid-thought, huffing, and slipped her hand off Liara's shoulder. "No. I don't know where to start with that." She paused. "But... why would you think I'd be harsh just for the sake of being harsh?"

And what does Peesh do in Chapter 20? Throws a melodramatic hissyfit and cries and Liara eats that shit up. Peesh's emotions are definitely real here, but she's being manipulative about it, and that sucks.

(17) "Petra" / "Nobody calls me that"

Liara only calls Shep "Petra" a small handful of times in SAtS, and each instance is meant to be a bit jarring.

"I'm so sorry," Shepard said threadily. "I let you get too close. You deserve to be out living your life without being dragged down and dragged through hell by someone like me just because you were at the wrong place at the wrong time, and a large part of me always hoped you'd see that and walk away before it's too late---before I hurt you, and I mean really fucking hurt you---"

"Petra---"

The use here, in 20, is what aids in unraveling her. If it seems like both Peesh and Liara are working each other up into a hot mess in this chapter, pushing each other's buttons intentionally, you're 100% correct.

Later:

"Shepard," Liara said, Shepard still facing away from Liara, her posture beginning to sink once again. "Petra," she tried, more confidently.

Shepard stiffened visibly at the use of her given name, seeming to fight a frown and a ratcheting jaw, but after that fleeting discomfiture her expression softened and only plead exhaustion, her eyes all dark circles and shadows and her complexion gray.

***(18) U N D O***

From Chapter 12:

"I think you do," [Shepard] said simply. Not as an admonishment---the compassion was clear in her voice. "You can't just pretend things aren't bothering you day after day, because it'll get to a point where you just can't take it anymore, and you'll come undone."

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, PEESH:

Chapter 20:

"You mean a great deal to me, Liara. More than anyone ever has before. I'm just not the same since I met you, and it scares me how much I care---how different everything feels---and it scares me how many times these past few days I was barely holding it together because when you're around, I can't always be strong. [...] And as much as I could tell you needed me I couldn't risk facing you, because I knew this would happen, that you'd come to me for support and it would just be too much for me to hide the fact that y--- [...] [t]hat you undo me."

"You undo me" is the seed from which SAtS grew. Okay, cheez whiz.

***(19) Like Water, Like Stone***

You could really play the "spot the symbolism" game anywhere in SAtS, but I'd planned from the start for the water/stone duality to thematically crystalize in Chapter 20.

From 20:

All that Shepard'd been through, the strength she'd shown in the face of incomprehensible, ineffable terror, and it was Liara's softness, her persistence, that fractured something within her. And the longer Liara examined her, the more she grew to suspect---with disbelief, but understanding---that this wasn't a surface imperfection: the fault originated somewhere deep. And perhaps it was her doing, perhaps it was a preexisting instability---quiescent until she'd somehow, inadvertently, reached Shepard's core---that was only just now surfacing: her sudden, unexpected breakdown evidence of cumulative failure. And if Liara came at her, gently but inexorably, maybe it was inevitable that she'd wear Shepard down like this. Seeing her crumble here before her, however, was too much to process. Her fingers hurt in Shepard's vice-like grip, but it was background noise to the pain of seeing her so vulnerable.

Later, 20:

Shepard gave no response, her breaths against Liara's chest rapid and shaky as she reciprocated the embrace with increased fervor, squeezing so tightly it was uncomfortable; but it was in this intensity---this sorrowful desperation and neediness Shepard wouldn't admit in words---that Liara found not only sore ribs and difficulty breathing, but hope: proof that the impossible idea she'd long since tried to expunge from her mind was indeed true, that somehow, some part of Shepard needed her as much as she did, even if just a broken fragment.

Liara's heart raced and she knew Shepard could hear it. And despite the tears slipping down her cheeks and dampening the hair beneath her chin, Liara stood strong, rubbing Shepard's back, pretending to be solid and sure and in control. And as Shepard trembled with barely restrained sobs, as Liara sniffed and hugged her tighter, the closeness was a relief, the opportunity to hold her and help her an exhilaration and a catharsis that only a joining of their minds could transcend. Because despite all Shepard's attempts to drive her away, to say whatever she could about a troubled self and past as if it would prove herself unworthy of love, now more than ever Liara yearned to take her consciousness within her own, flow around her, inundate her entire being and fill the spaces where she was cracked and broken. When the time was right she would. Right now, this was enough.

I can have a little cheese... as a treat.

SAtS as a whole is absolutely chock-full of water/stone imagery and symbolism, and I'm astounded that no one has said anything about it. It's not subtle. Like at all.

***(20) A final note on Shepard's breakdown***

In chapter 18, both Tali and Chakwas approach Liara's confusion re: Shepard's avoidant behavior with a sort of blase attitude. This represents an important snap back to reality for Liara: to admit that her obsession with Shep has spiraled this deep would be to reveal she has far more important trauma she's not addressing. And it also means neither Tali nor Chakwas are aware of what Peesh is hiding, making the fact that Peesh essentially throws a temper tantrum in front of Liara significant.

"You're the only person I could even imagine breaking down like this in front of," is the idea.

Did she do it on purpose? Yeah, she did. The emotions behind it were real, but she ultimately weaponized them. If Peesh's goal was to bring Liara closer to her, she got exactly what she wanted; what are Paragon Sheps but masters of emotional manipulation?

Renegade!Peesh is just Dennis from IASiP.

Thanks for reading, if anyone even read this mess. Again, I know I don't have the stature to make posts like this, but I wanted to draw attention to all the detail and planning that went into SAtS. It's truly been a labor of love.

Bonus: Liara misquoting English idioms (lost in translation)

This isn't really a 20-specific thing, but I wanted to include these because they tickle me.

Chapter 19 (the last straw):

Liara snapped her fingers as she gathered her thoughts, words crowding in her mouth. "I should preface this with... I never feared that she didn't care about me or didn't love me. But I know some self-punishing part of her, deep down, felt she didn't deserve what we had, or she was somehow a burden, or that she'd single-handedly ruined my life. Hence she made frequent attempts, over the years that I knew her, to push me away. She was... reckless. Terrifying, in her self-destructiveness. But I came back to her. I thought, what if my rejection is, as they say, the last reed?" She stopped, rocking on her heels. The boulder was still warm from the day. "So I came back. Chose her, repeatedly, as you said. Sometimes I wonder if not only her obvious displays of self-harm, but her every word said to me became a tool in her arsenal to pull me back to her."

Chapter 20 (cold shoulder):

Shepard leaned more of her weight into the tabletop, causing the Destiny Ascension to sway and the relay's marble core to rattle against its gyroscope enclosure. Liara diverted her attention from the decaying oscillations. Said, "Were you truly hoping that I would simply walk away if you turned a chilly shoulder for a few days? That I wouldn't at least be curious as to why your pattern of behavior so abruptly changed, especially for what I believed at the time to be a direct result of an action I took?"

#SAtS #LWLS #ch20 #you undo memes

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badedramay · 2 years

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What is your theory for why Imlie and Aryan will get married? Do you think as per promos Aryan’s going to pressure Imlie? There would be no logical reason other than Aryan wanting to protect Imlie from something if he initiates it.. but what would he need to protect her from?

I do think the promo is misleading. Aryan and forcing Imlie is literally the most uncharacteristic thing for him to do. He's not the one to force. He just isn't! And I know it's ITV and why look at other shows when Imlie the show itself is full of character flips with the writing either completely changing the characters' personality or changing their past behaviors as per convenience of the present. so, a part of me is kind of ready to just....take a deep breathe and accept the possibility that Aryan might just force Imlie to marry him.

It's the "marry me if you want to save Aditya Kumar Tripathi" that is completely incomprehensible to me.

Aryan gets triggered if he sees Aditya around Imlie. The fear of him losing Imlie to Aditya gets stronger with each passing today. In today's epi...Aryan was already mad at Aditya but what pushed him towards violence was Aditya putting his hand on Imlie. Will Aryan, even in his own selfishness, demand Imlie that she ties herself to him for the sake of Nalla?

All of Aryan's actions related to Imlie have either been to protect Imlie or empower her. He isn't the one to take away her choice and this is something that we keep being shown again and again through his words and actions. Last time he said it was after the Malini PF. So now SUDDENLY for him to be all "buss ab meri marzi chalegi!" is a bit...eh?

the current facts at hand that we have are - Nalla is in trouble with police + Aryan's personal vendetta against Aditya is out in the open + Imlie is shocked at the reveal. how Imlie reacts to Aryan's motives is yet to be seen. will she drop him completely is yet to be seen. earlier I had said to a friend that Imlie is done™ with Nalla but that might not be the case as before the accident, Imlie was distraught thinking about Nalla's proposal. she was stuck between a Yes or No choice. that could come into play again.

with Aryan's reveal as being not-as-noble as Imlie had thought him to be...in a way him and Nalla are on the same-ish level in front of Imlie's eyes (gawddd I hope that's not the case but for the sake of presenting a conflict let's say that has happened) and honestly that has upped the stakes of this being a intriguing track. what will be Imlie's choice now? her past connection with Aditya or the new connection she formed with Aryan? the show has made it clear that a part of Imlie is still with her BS which is NORMAL considering their history. despite her tall claims of trusting only her Boss Babu now...we know that Imlie has had a history of doubting Aryan when he acts just a little bit out the character she has established of his in her mind i.e. unconditional friend.

I guess what I want to say is that no, I have no concrete theory about how this marriage will come to be. but the writers have planted a couple of seeds already so whatever the path they will take...that will make sense and when that will happen, I most probably will not have major complains. sure the show is devoid of any real world logic but in the show's universe...every track has done justice to the main characters. progress happens, relationships change and develop with time. stagnancy nahin rehti yahan. AryLie's relationship has gone though many ups and downs...this is yet another road they'll have to take to reach to the next stage of their relationship.

dekhte hain kya hota hai.

though I must say the promo has already delivered what it promised - hooking the audience. look at ALL of us raking our brains about how the marriage will take place based on just one promo when the entire WEEK has been about everything but the promise of any shaadi. kuch bhi kaho...shaane hain Imlie ke CVs xD

#imlie #arylie

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noona96n · 3 years

Text

dailymotion

forgiveness fully given

Shu Yi has always wanted answers, but it doesn’t really matter what Shi De’s answers are bcs he’s already forgiven Shi De… he just. wants. Shi De. to. admit. his. fault. and Shi De finally admits his fault, so now Shu Yi can love Shi De with all his heart again and kiss Shi De with all his mouth without feeling like he’s doing a disservice to himself.

‘if u have ur reasons, tell me,’ Shu Yi said once... and this time, Shi De came through.

i think that when Shu Yi realized that the reason Shi De left him alone was mainly due to his dad’s doing, Shu Yi’s mind reframes Shi De’s fault from ‘he cheated on me’ to ‘he didn’t believe in me & my love for him’. so, the admission that Shu Yi’s now looking for isn’t ‘sorry i cheated on you’ but ‘sorry i didn’t believe in you’

in the confrontation in S2EP3, Shu Yi presented to Shi De the cause of their current predicament: Shi De’s complete lack of faith in Shu Yi & their relationship. to Shu Yi, it’s mainly Shi De’s fault for not believing in Shu Yi and the love that Shu Yi has for him and for deciding everything about their relationship on his own.

at the beginning of S2EP4, Shi De admits to his fault and finally believes in the love that Shu Yi has for him.

Shi De opens w/ ‘im sorry for not believing in ur forever’ then he spills his fckn gut to Shu Yi... this isn’t like other times when he said ‘sorry’ and struggled to find an excuse and gave bs non-answer. this time, Shi De properly says ‘sorry’ and become truthful, letting Shu Yi forgive him.

he explains that he has loved Shu Yi for 10yrs, that’s why he’s confident that he wants to spend the rest of his life w/ Shu Yi. meanwhile, Shu Yi jumped into a relationship with him and also want to be w/ him forever? he admits to doubting Shu Yi’s love for him… thinking that maybe, Shu Yi confessed due to the emotion & vibe of that time. he’s admitting to wronging Shu Yi by not believing in Shu Yi. Shi De admits to believing what Zhou tou-san told him and thinking that he’s enough/right for Shu Yi (which Shu Yi immediately refuted).

Shi De is coming clean, no more secrecy between them (except the blonde woman ofc) and Shi De’s basically saying ‘sorry i didn’t believe in u and ur love for me and for thinking that u’ll find someone better than me’

Shi De laid all his feelings bare and Shu Yi believes him and immediately hands over his forgiveness on a silver platter in the form of their promise bracelet. he’s been waiting to forgive Shi De for so, so long... since the first time they met in Shi De’s office and he’s finally able to forgive Shi De now, he’s finally able to go back to loving Shi De.

i think it’s also interesting to note that the camera is on Shu Yi most of the time during Shi De’s monologue... Shi De is confessing his sin and Shu Yi is his altar, his god; with every word out of Shi De’s mouth, Shu Yi accepts them all, digest them, feels them in his heart and cries silent tears into his pillows and then he forgives Shi De and loves Shi De even more.

at this point, Shu Yi’s love for Shi De is becoming incomprehensible (to me at least). Shu Yi fell for Shi De so hard... they only dated very briefly but Shi De was literally Shu Yi’s first everything... he might not be Shu Yi’s first love (that’s Yu Xin) but he’s Shu Yi’s first kiss, first relationship, first time, first person he trusts fully and completely.

so, to Shi De admitting his mistakes, Shu Yi basically replies, ‘this is ur (and tou-san’s) fault but i forgive u’ w/ that affectionate (?) forehead slap + cuddling + ‘am i still the lucky one’

and, on the bridge, even when Shi De prompts him to ask, Shu Yi’s not asking Shi De anything... he said, ‘how can i ever doubt you’. Shu Yi has fully forgiven Shi De for everything and that makes Shu Yi's the biggest idiot between the two of them for loving Shi De to the point of disregarding himself.

forgiveness (not) fully earned

i think the bridge scene is what make us all question if Shu Yi has truly forgiven Shi De.

Shi De is aware that he hasn’t earned Shu Yi’s forgiveness yet and that he’s only forgiven because Shu Yi loves him and continues to choose him every day by loving him.

we’re rightfully suspicious that there’s a hidden motive behind all the fluff and sweetness that Shu Yi’s displaying, bcs we know Shi De’s still on thin fckn ice w/ all the not-explaining & the deal w/ dad & the boundary-crossing & non/dub-con kissing he did. and i believe it’s easier for us to chalk all the forgiveness & softness that Shu Yi currently possesses for Shi De to Shu Yi’s love for Shi De.

Zhou tou-san said Shu Yi threatened to leave him for Shi De... this means that Shu Yi was more than willing to give up a lot of his life as a pampered young master to be with Shi De; between being his father’s heir & being Shi De’s, Shu Yi chose to be Shi De’s (do u understand what that’s like? to remake ur entire life and settle it around a relationship? to upheave everything you know and rebuild it around one singular person? that shit’s scary) and i don’t think this is just something made up by Zhou tou-san either... Bing Wei really said Shu Yi moved out and laid low and lived every single day w/o Shi De longing and loving Shi De in the lonely and quiet corner of his heart.

so yeah, Shi De hasn’t earn shit yet... not Shu Yi’s forgiveness, not the right to love Shu Yi so openly and so freely again, and definitely not Shu Yi’s endless love for him but here he is... being loved endlessly and profoundly by Shu Yi anyway.

EDIT: i just want to clarify that Shu Yi forgiving Shi De doesn’t mean he’s forgetting or condoning or excusing the offenses that Shi De committed against Shu Yi... forgiving just means Shu Yi fully accepted that wrong were done unto his feelings & person; he recognizes that Shi De caused him, he’s now willing to heal the pain & fix ther fractures of their relationship, and he’s ready to move to a better future w/ Shi De

PS. the engsub in the vid is a translate of the japanese sub provided RakutenTv

#wbl #we best love #gao shi de x zhou shu yi #zhou shu yi #character study #wbl musing #noona96n

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thechangeling · 3 years

Note

I was reading your co-signing the narrative post- great post btw- and your thoughts on Kit Lightwood helped me figure out exactly what bothers me about the way other characters talk about and treat him.

So, there’s this kind of this running “joke” in TLH that Christopher’s interests are boring, that everyone else puts up with it him as though it’s this big nuisance, that everyone zones out hearing him talk… and on and on and on.*** And then there’s this scene where Grace is genuinely interested or at least not bringing him down about his self-expression and the things that bring him joy, and that’s romanticized as special when it’s really kind of the bare fuckin minimum. Like, I’m not saying James/Matthew/Thomas had to immerse themselves completely in every sciency detail but the constant “jokes” implying that Christopher’s work is boring or incomprehensible or not worth their time is just so tiring. There’s always an undercurrent of “Christopher’s just playing around uselessly” (which is not true and even when he’s having fun with his work then it’s still automatically WORTHY and VALUABLE because it makes him happy!) Not to mention this recurring problem directly contradicts the value that Christopher’s work has (beyond its inherent value) when he sends it into the world to literally save lives: the poison antidote, the fire messages that will probably come about in CoT.

And the thing is, the merry thieves’ disinterest is directly meant to foil grace’s interest in order to lend the Grace/Kit relationship a certain significance, as CC assigns to it. I’m not saying shared excitement over an interest/hobby/career/field/etc isn’t sweet platonically or romantically. I just really dislike how the idea CC is using is “no one else can bear to tolerate Kit’s ‘quirks’ but Grace, and that is Endearing, and so they are Soulmates (TM)” rather than the much healthier and positive idea that “Kit does cool sciencey stuff which his family and friends generally don’t share as strong a passion for but still don’t huff about it like it’s somehow a chore or a burden on them, and then Grace comes along and she does happen to share a similar passion and that’s the beginning of their ties to one another.” That second reasoning is what could make their friendship really refreshing; we don’t need ableism poorly twined into romance to enjoy that relationship.

I haven’t read TDA in a while but I’m thinking we could also find touches of this with Ty partly because so much of when we see him is from Kit’s POV? Not that Kit means harm or thinks himself heroic but CC on the other hand is a repeat offender in “abled/white/straight/cis character is ultimately and completely responsible for the salvation of disabled/POC/queer character in this aspect.” And I’m kind of half dreading the wicked powers for that reason among others …

I apologize if all this seems obvious or rambly. I do sometimes have trouble articulating things exactly but when I read your post i had a lightbulb moment and I wanted to note it down.

Have a great day!

***Side Note: this is why I really enjoy fan-created content that explores Christopher’s relationships with people (even people he didn’t interact with on-page in the canon) without that annoying and problematic aspect built into the framework of the relationship.

^^^^^^^^^THIS ALL OF THIS!!!!!!

Full disclosure this is gonna be kind of long sorry. But you have stumbled across my favourite topic to rant about. Allistic saviorism. Basically the name is pretty self explanatory. It's when an allistic person fictional or otherwise has the desire to or actively attempts to essentially "save" the autistic person from the horrors of the world or their life, or even themselves because they think that the autistic person isn't strong or capable enough to fix/handle it on their own. All of this is usually done for very self serving reasons. Part of this is also allistic people being praised as heroes for being nice to autistic people or asking them out, or loving them.

I don't neccesarily think that kitty is an allistic savior ship on it's own. I think that there are definitely peices of those beliefs scattered throughout the books and it might get worse in TWP. That's honestly something that I'm worried about too tbh. But honestly I think that the fandom made it a billion times worse.

This mainly allistic fandom wanted to romanticize the idea of Kit taking care of Ty and shouldering the burden of his "unpredictability." Kit is the only one who can get through to Ty. The only one who understands the mystery that is Ty 🙄. Some of this is canon too. For example, Ty can look Kit in the eye, he lets him touch him. He doesn't wear the headphones when Kit's around right? And Kit was able to calm him down during his meltdown.

And while some of this is really cute from a romantic perspective, it's also kinda problematic because it reeks of allistic saviorism. It promotes the idea that Kit is like Ty's "cure." And that's just impossible.

And honestly I know I've contributed to this in some ways. Because if I'm being perfectly honest with you, there's a part of me that enjoys that. The romantization of autism.

The idea of being taken care of.

The idea that someone could love an autistic person and see them as "beautiful" and "extraordinary" and all the things Kit calls Ty, was incredibly moving and appealing to me as a kid. It still is. Because I grew up on stories of charity cases and allistic saviorism making headlines with prom dates. I was super secretive about it, but I was always a romantic growing up. But I thought that it was impossible for me to have a real love story because people like me don't get that. (Not to get all sob story on you sorry. I overshare. It's an autistic thing.)

And there are some really compelling things about kitty that really do work. And I'm not trying to suggest that Kit learning to help Ty with the ...shall we say more colourful traits of his disability is a bad thing always. It's not. But I think the issue is with Ty's lack of pov and Ty's lack of a narrative in the books. It makes him seem like less of a completely developed character and more like, "Kit's" you know?

And because we don't have Ty's pov we don't really get what makes Kit have this sort of calming effect on him or why it's different. And more importantly we don't get why Ty's letting him in, we only get Kit pushing past his boundries. The entire thing becomes about Kit essentially and that's at the root of all allistic saviorism.

Also like you mentioned before, Kit is seen as special to a certain extent because he can handle Ty. That's not neccesarily something the character believes obviously, but again with CC co-signing the damn narrative with the way she makes the impact Kit has on Ty such a big deal in everyone's eyes and in QOAAD she really emphasizes the drain Ty's necromancy plan is taking on Kit, suddenly Ty's grief becomes all about Kit and with no pov from Ty, it's more allistic savior bs.

Honestly most of this isnt actually THAT bad it's just when you throw it all together and look at the ugly history and let's be honest present, of autistic people being silenced and spoken over by our caregivers and loved ones and we are treated like burdens on them, and how those people are praised for loving us, it kinda looks bad. But the fandom definitely made it worse.

I always get criticized for criticizing kitty by allistic people with, " well if you think they're so toxic then why do you even ship them?" Which is a piss poor take lacking in any nuance. An autistic person has the right to critique a dynamic involving an autistic character. More to the point, you can love something and be critical of it. I swear when this fandom finally figures that one out... we could accomplish so much.

I'm really hoping this is making sense it's like 2 in the morning. As for Grace and Christopher's dynamic I agree with you. I basically have nothing to add. Bare minimum. Should not be idolized. The way the others treat him should not just be brushed off as no big deal. It's ableism.

Basically it's just a bunch of classic mistakes that come from a neurotypical abled writer writing nd characters. Some mistakes are more damning then others. But it does make me scared for TWP.

I can only hope.

#kit x ty #christopher lightwood #ty blackthorn #tsc #tlh #tda #twp #the last hours #the dark artifices #the wicked powers #actuallyautistic #allistic saviorism #asks

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esther-dot · 3 years

Note

Arya is kind of always there—which is what’s great about Arya—but Sansa had to get there by painful experiences. She’s always been one of my favorite characters.Weiss: In a way, Sansa has to face harder choices. Arya always has a pretty clear path, like: “What’s a cool, badass thing to do and I’m going to do that thing.” So according to d&d Sansa had to go through abuse to become tough n smart which Arya already was. Yeah they love Sansa in their own way.😒

Oh my gosh. At first this didn’t click as a D&D quote and I was about to list all the reasons why I disagree with you, anon! 😂 I tried to ignore what D&D said because it’s all about what made it to screen for me, but even without paying much attention to them over the years, this really isn’t surprising. I think most of what they say regarding GoT is self serving bs. Of course they try to rationalize why Sansa needed rape plot as if it had anything to do with her character, but, if they were being honest, they would just admit that they liked it because they knew it would get a big reaction. You know, “water cooler moments” or things that would spark articles/trend on Twitter. They knew the controversy that would be the result of that, and so, logic be damned, Littlefinger hands Sansa over to the Boltons. I don’t like that creators do this, but it’s a factor in deciding what to write for a lot of TV shows, and GoT had a reputation so, they thought it was worth it. I wish they’d just admit stuff like that instead of acting like it was for story reasons. It’s particularly incomprehensible that they had her get married/raped before giving her a Queen Elizabeth/the Virgin Queen ending. The way so many of their choices make even less sense now that we know the ending... 🤦🏻‍♀️ So, no, Sansa didn’t become QitN because she was D&D’s fav. She got that ending because it’s part of Martin’s endgame. The problem is, even knowing the endgame, D&D didn’t work toward it in a good way, so it feels wrong. If only they had just tweeted out the bullet points from Martin in response to all the gripes about s8. Then we would all be put out of our misery! 😆

#ask dot

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monotonous-minutia · 4 years

Text

because I think of it altogether too much, some dialogue on the differences in the role of the Muse in Les contes d’Hoffmann, in the play versus in the opera. Enjoy my nerdy, disorganized, former-literature-major ramblings as I spend altogether too much time picking apart the minutia of this issue (but hey, it’s in my URL, so).

In the original play by Michael Carré and Jules Barbier (the same people who wrote the libretto for the opera), the Muse doesn’t double as Niklausse. We get two separate characters–the Muse and Hoffmann’s sidekick, Friédrick.

The play opens with a monologue from the Muse, similar to the one in the opera (some lines are taken verbatim). The monologue in the play, though, isn’t about the Muse being mad at Stella and wanting to win Hoffman’s love. It is in a lot of ways a love letter to the real Hoffmann’s writing, of which Carré was a huge fan (obviously, he wrote a whole play about them). The works of E.T. A. Hoffmann were (and to an extent, still are) hailed as being unique, strange, and otherworldy compared to most of what was seen at the time. The Muse here talks about her stories as if they’re her own, and she happens upon Hoffmann in the tavern (read: when he gets drunk, he gets inspired to write weird stuff). She’s here, then, to introduce this story–the play that we’re watching/reading–as one of her own. She does reappear at the end and makes a statement similar to that made at the conclusion of the opera, that the poet had to suffer to be truly great and now that he’s given up on love she has him to herself–but it’s not that she specifically tried to make this happen, she’s just pleased that it did.

After the Muse’s opening monologue, she tells the audience that the people are coming and she’s going to hide, because they scare her. She puts on a suit and hat similar to that warn by the students that will soon be populating the tavern, so she can blend in with them and not be noticed. I’m guessing this is where the inspiration for the Muse also being Niklausse eventually (partially) comes from.

But we don’t have Niklausse in the play; we get Friédrick. Friédrick is, in my perception, ridiculously adorable. He spends a good portion of the play serving sass. There’s a ton of banter between him and Hoffmann, and some with Friédrick and the side characters as well as they collectively role their eyes at Hoffmann. So, much similarity to Niklausse. A few differences, though: the guys in the tavern love making fun of him, because he’s younger, and Hoffmann is even a little bit meaner to him than their operatic counterparts, and Friédrick is just kind of resigned to it, though he does make fun of Hoffmann at times. Mostly he feels sorry for him and feels the need to take care of him, as he can’t seem to take care of himself.

Friédrick is referred to as Hoffmann’ “shadow,” in that he follows him around everywhere making sure he doesn’t get himself arrested or shanked. He is also referred to by Hoffmann as “the voice of reason” through all his adventures, though of course Friédrick doesn’t remember any of them, since they didn’t actually happen. But he is constantly dragging Hoffmann out of trouble in these stories, which is why Dappertutto tries to off him in the Giulietta act. Dappertutto is annoyed that Friédrick first rescues Hoffmann from Olympia when she goes crazy (which is a big part of the play, and written into the libretto, but rarely ever portrayed on stage for the opera), then saves him from Crespel when Crespel tries to get Hoffmann for (as he perceives) killing Antonia (another bit that’s in the libretto but rarely portrayed onstage) and, finally, is trying to literally drag him away from Giulietta. As with Niklausse, Hoffmann severely under-appreciates Friédrick and all that his friend does for him. But when Dappertutto tries to give him a “sleeping potion” that he says will just make him pass out long enough for Hoffmann to get it on with Giulietta, Hoffmann kind of gets a reality check when he’s like “Wait, okay, but what if he drinks it and then he dies?” Dappertutto insists that no such thing is even remotely possible. I do wonder where Hoffmann’s sudden suspicion and consideration comes from. Like, is he already suspicious of Dappertutto, or is he just concerned because Friédrick is so small a single dose of Nyquil could end him? (Being a lightweight myself, I do wonder.) But we never find out either way, because Giulietta waltzes onstage and downs the poison first and of course Friédrick arrives just in time to save Hoffmann yet again. I just gotta wonder: given Friédrick is not the Muse in this version, why is it that he’s the one who drags Hoffmann out of trouble over and over again in a series of stories that didn’t actually happen? As constantly annoyed as he seems at Friédrick, he’s the one making the choice to have him play that role. And Friédrick is pretty cool with it. I guess they were roommates.

The Muse’s role, then, comes with a different vibe. She doesn’t have any influence over Hoffmann’s love life or seem quite as imminently concerned about it. She’s not following him around in the same way; she kind of just has to wait for him to come around. She’s less assertive and pretty resigned to having to deal with the constant BS but at the same time seems less bothered by it. She’s not totally dependent on him or solely invested in him; she just likes him a lot and enjoys writing stories with him. The operatic Muse is much more definitively attached to Hoffmann and sees his love life as a direct opposition to them. The stakes are higher for them than for the Muse in the play.

The whole Muse/Niklausse dynamic on the opera fascinates me to no end. I can’t even quite put into words the thoughts I have about it. Lately when I think about the question “If you could go back in time and talk to anyone in history who would it be?” I just want to go and talk to Barbier and Carré and ask how they came to the decision to make Niklauuse and the Muse the same character because–is there really anything in literature that’s quite the same as that? We get “a madwoman, come down from the heavens, to fight with a frivolous woman over the love of a fool” (a line from the libretto) who transforms themself into their poet’s best friend, and deals with his BS which is (as I rambled on a bit in an earlier post) borderline emotional abuse in some cases and even in its mildest forms raises the question “Why, sweetie, why do you put up with this.” Well, they can’t not, can they? What’s a Muse supposed to do? They’ve got their poet and have no other purpose in life that to serve as their inspiration. What would they do if Hoffmann did actually choose Stella over them? It’s basically out of the question.

So looking then at the Muse/Friédrick dynamic was an interesting transition. I can start to see some of the pieces but in some ways it also raises more questions. Was Niklausse ever an actual person, like Friédrick? Is the Muse donning the disguise for just that one night, to be witness to the storytelling, as the Muse in the play does? Does the operatic Muse just figure that Hoffmann will be drunk enough to not notice the difference when the real Niklausse comes back later? Or was Niklausse the Muse all along, and the Muse has for years (or however long) personified themself as another student to try and win Hoffmann on his level? Further, is it Hoffmann who comes up with all the little things that Niklausse does that hints to us what his status actually is, showing that Hoffmann is subconsciously aware of the connection all along? Or is it the Muse infiltrating the storytelling as it occurs to insert themself further, trying to get Hoffmann to really see them during the course of the telling?

On one hand I go crazy over the fact that these questions are never answered, and I wonder why the librettists went from the relatively straightforward Muse/Friédrick dynamic to the super meta, almost incomprehensible Muse/Niklausse dynamic. On the other hand, I appreciate the weird genius behind this that makes me think unreasonably hard about the creative process and art in general and also the relationships we have with people in our lives who we depend on in ways such as this. Also, I appreciate how the ambiguity allows different productions of the opera to have so many interpretations of the role (although there are definitely some interpretations that can go to hell as far as I’m concerned).

Also I think a lot about the names. I think Friédrick is just a cute name and I think it suits the original character. And the transition to Niklausse makes sense: a new interpretation of the character warrants a new name–plus Niklausse comes from “Nicholas” which means “victorious people” which makes sense, you know? Niklausse triumphs in the end, so why not have a powerful name like that? If I were a Muse taking on a human form on earth, I’d want something with that kind of power, too.

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commonalex · 4 years

Text

Broken Nose

-Oh my, a talking fox!

-Oh my, a talking fattie!

-Wait, what?

I don’t know what else I could expect coming down here from the tower today. I had this bad feeling stepping into the woods for the first time. It was really on the nose.

-He he, “on the nose”. Never gets old!

-Huh?

The fox keeps on giggling but maybe not on purpose. Judging by the dirty yellowish fur and the burnt patches on its weak body, you could say this creature has seen better days.

-Uhhh girl? Still here. I can hear, you know.

Wherever this fox was (before it comes to horrify me) the fire must’ve get it just in time, but it doesn’t look like hurting. On the contrary, the fox is playfully stretching like a cat on the dirt. I guess I seem so damn funny (or pathetic) for it to dare to come so near. Not that I would mind some chit chat at the time, I haven’t spoke to a person (or whatever that is) for far too long. But the way it follows me around with this sarcastic laugh rubs me the wrong way.

-Come on now, foxxy, I’m seriously busy right now. I can’t afford spending time with you. Stay away and no one gets hurt, nosey.

“Nosey”? Ha ha! It’s like you already know!

-Whatever.

I throw middle fingers and keep on my route putting in and out the batteries of my walkie talkie. No luck. Dad (or whoever was talking at the frequency I was catching from the tower) didn’t speak a word again and of course no one’s around here as far as I can see. So I already had my misery, but I guess I should come down here to play hide and seek besides still life. Thank god it’s still afternoon with the sun beaming through the trees so I am not scared shitless yet.

But still, the fire keeps on burning whatever is on its way and no one bothers if I’m burned alive or not one of those days. So here comes the panic again. I’m climbing a tree to see the valley burning a bit better, while screaming furiously on the walkie talkie in case signal comes up. I scream my lungs out, touch my throat, lose balance, slip of the trunk and fall face first. When I managed to get up blood was pouring off my nose like a fountain. I guess I knew better when I was staying in the watch tower picking my…

-...”nose”, huh? He he he. You are funny, but you really don’t listen.

I turn around to stare at the fox in a way so it gets the message and run away from me but here it is with its eyes shining like it’s waiting for something. I walk slowly to a direction, here it is following me, here it is talking shit about me, here it is turning to go somewhere else, here I am trying to catch her from going towards the fire, and we’re back at the start. Fuck it, I say. I let her leave to stop worrying. And that’s how I get lost in here. You see, all this time I had the smoke as compass and with all this chasing I failed to notice that the fumes scattered all over the place. I raise my head to see the sun radiating this weird red-like colors. Why on earth am I still here?

-Does anybody listen on this channel? I know some of you do. Dad, can you hear me? I’m the fire lookout and try to find you all this time. If you hear me, tell me your location so I can get to you. Copy?

I’d be damned if this walkie talkie thingy is even necessary at this point. They have probably gone deaf by my stupid screaming.

-Just hoping you understand how futile this is. It’s like the thousandth time I tell you that at this exact point, but I have my hopes that one day you will stop doing this. Mainly to yourself. Just like I have my hopes that you will stop wearing shorts that make your thighs look unevenly thick.

-Can you please help me with your mouth shut? All it takes is a second to become human torches. I don’t need your kind of silly attitude.

-Pardon me? What attitude. I said what I said for your own good. But I don’t judge you. Spending all this time trapped in here, no wonder why your brain got a bit rusty.

-Trapped?

The fox’s looking at me head to toes, sighs and sits in front of me waiting for something once again. What, exactly? No idea, but I wish it would be something that would take my guilt away and leave this thing get baked. It would smell like cooked fox all over to the watch tower.

-Highly doubt you could smell anything with a nose that fucked up.

-Shut-your-god-damn-mouth.

I get caught off guard by the walkie talkie screeching with an incomprehensible voice. I don’t get much, just small phrases like “wish you could hear me” or “one sign of life” and such. All enough to hear my dad on this. I press to reply with my hands shaking by the stress. I keep on losing him, without ever getting my voice across. Signal worsens, but if I can hear him that must mean he is somewhere around here, right? But what if he is somewhere near the fire? I’m mic screaming “DAD JUST TELL ME IF YOU’RE HERE” like a ten year old and that’s where I lose all contact.

Trying to catch a breath on a treat I get blood in my mouth (which has got everywhere and made me look sick) and burst into tears. I feel finished. I watch the ash raining down on my from the coal black slope on my right and I’m feeling shaky once again. I don’t even know if I’m crying being here all alone or because by the next few meters I could see my dad… You know how. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I see something like that.

-Come on, girl, please, don’t say that. I’ve listened to you say that like a hundred times and every time my heart is screaming for mercy. Come, get up.

Barely even remembered the fox is there all along.

-What do you want from me?

-Dunno. Company? A little adventure? This boredom you feel all this time on that watch tower all alone, I get that too. But you only make us the favor to come down here and spend time when you catch your dad on the radio. Only then I really have something to do.

-So you have seen me up there?

-If I seen you? What else could a fox occupy it’s mind inside those fucked up woods than stalk a fire lookout in her fourties? You know, playing with the binoculars, searching up radio frequencies, drinking beer and listening to the same music all day from her cd player? Is there anything better around here?

-What forties? I’m seventeen.

-Well I’m telling you, you absolutely are in your thirties at least.

-Why do I even bother.

But chatting with the fox really makes you forget, whatever bs you have to endure. And you have to endure a lot. And a lot of stuff the fox says are disses that don’t make much sense. However company is very much needed at this point, inside a dirt pool filling up with ash and red smoke.

-I’m not here to make your life difficult.

-I don’t even know why you’re here. And how come you talk? If that’s not too much.

-Why are you stuck on these questions by now? You do this every time. Even though that’s the first time I see fire getting that big around here. And to be fair you got lost in the woods too early this time. And to be honest I’m kinda like a baby boy right now, asking for his mama, cause I have no clue what the hell is going on.

-”Baby boy”? Are you male?

He looks at me with the most dead and disappointed stare a fox could ever have. I don’t know why I assumed he was a girl. But since he can hear me in my head, I apologize for perpetuating those kind of stereotypes. My bad. Ok? The fox nods as agreeing. we are ok.

During all that I forgot I had the walkie talkie on my back pocket so when it started “whistling” again I got shivers. Trying to hold it with my shaky fingers I drop it like the useless scum I am. Even the fox gave me a disappointed look.

The signal was better this time. I could hear for about five minutes non stop before I tried (with no luck) to respond. This is for sure not my dad. Those weird fast paced accents that invade the back of my ears are definitely from my mother. She even said her catchphrase “look at your own lil princess”.

“...should we keep on putting up a show anymore, darling?”.

“I’m tired. You wanna hear me say it? I say it right now.“.

“...I don’t understand? So am I the bad one and the heartless bitch once again?”.

“...please accept the bitter reality. We really missed the boat...”.

And then silence again.

Same attitude, same lines played out a thousand times in the kitchen or in front of people. The same arguing over and over again with dad. The reason was always dumb, but her voice here doesn’t seem so irritating. Something serious must have happened for my dead mommy to cry like a pig.

-No crying? So you’re over it?

-Don’t know.

-I get it, we’re still at the point where you adapt to all this. We have a little bit of walking left till you have to get back.

-Tell me, what’s this thing you seem to know but I don’t?

-We know the same. I’m just here as a reminder, like an alarm clock of some sort. You know, like that fox alarm clock you had besides your bed when you were younger? Do you remember? You even brought it to the watch tower. Weird to have an alarm clock if you’re waking up at noon, though. You a freaking fire lookout, woman.

It was a while until my brain got to work again. The fox was right, he is just like that alarm clock I have since a kid. How did I not see it before? And what does that mean now? Well, we know we won’t get any further just by asking. I don’t know if what I feel about that creature is trust, intimacy or curiosity. And those enigmatic stuff he throws here and there get tiresome. We walk and chit chat without noticing the orange fog swallowing everything within a meter around us. All we see in front of us now are burnt tree trunks and melting animals. All of them teddy bears I had while being a baby potato. If my heartbeat wasn’t hitting those three digits I would get goosebumps right now.

I’m covering mouth and nose with my hand and try to guess where the fox is, as he’s running in circles stunned. He doesn’t seem to care if we find my parents before we all get barbecued anymore. He is too busy looking somehow concerned at all this damaged landscape.

-Tell me, how long have you seen me in secret? Spent all the summer over there and I never saw a single soul besides you right now, my secret admirer.

-Are you serious? What summer? Get it together. We wasted our young years here. But what am I even saying and basically to whom. Sometimes I wish I had your luck playing in this kind of playground. You could say disconnection from the environment has its moments.

-I’m volunteering for the summer, that’s all. It was written on the papers I signed, too. I think.

-Wait… Is that it?

-After all that I’m going back home to find out if where I’m studying by September. It’s pretty much over.

-...so this was it all along? Disconnecting? -Wait, did I take the entrance exams? My brain just froze.

-Would you shut up about your exams? Something’s wrong.

-How could I forget exams, though? After all this studying?

-Oh man. We really are in deep shit and now’s the time for you to turn your nose up at what is happening.

-Oh, here we go with these nose jokes again.

-No, no. Didn’t mean it in a literal way. That was unfortun… Ah, you get it, right?

-Maybe that’s why there’s not a single soul down here. You must’ve killed them all with your crap.

-I don’t have a good feeling about this. Our routine feels off. We have done this walk so many times and something’s not quite ok right now. It seems as if we’re stuck at the same place for hours and I guess…

-”Guess” what…?

-...we’re lost. I guess.

Oh-you-don’t-say. When you spend so much time fucking with a broken person’s nerves, you tend miss what’s happening. We’re technically blind and we just go around for hours. Are we running away from the fire? Going straight at it? Only god know, because everything turned brown around here. We’re bumping trees and get shitless when we step on those blackened teddy bear bellies. I don’t lose my chance of cursing out the fox for driving us here, but all he cares about it digging holes while “trying to find our designated course”. That’s how we spend our next hour. Or maybe more since my watch stopped.

-How much battery is left in the walkie talkie?

-One line. And I swear I had it full, just like every time.

-”Just like every time”?

-Every time I climb down the watch tower to get here.

The fox leaves the digging on the side and looks at me with his eyes wide open. My brain gets stuck for a moment and before he gets to respond I get vertigo. When I return to normal he keeps on asking again and again if I “know”, as if I get what he is trying to say. I’m searching for the sun above us to make everything around me stop flickering, but no luck, so I have the fox right beside me irritating me with these questions while I’m throwing up.

-Oh boy, you really don’t listen. That’s it, we’re going back. Now.

-Back where? I have my parents over here!

-You play the fool all this time. We have to go back to the starting point, don’t you get it? With you at the watch tower listening to your parents on the radio, coming down to the woods and find me while breaking your nose. Dunno how more fucked up your nose can be than right now, but we might save our asses.

-You are the most irritating talking fox I’ve ever seen.

-Wow, that’s a lot. Now give me the walkie talkie.

-Stop, YOU’RE GONNA BREAK IT!

-WOULD YOU STOP THE BULLSHIT SO WE CAN SAVE OURSELVES?

-DON’T.

The walkie talkie slips, falls upon some cracked branches and shutters to a million pieces. Our eyes are glued to the ground, scanning for every piece in case we lose it. Time suddenly hits the brake, the orange fog from before has grown to this sick deep red light from the sun that sets down the edge of the valley as if we are in literal hell. Is this it?

-Nah. Not yet at least.

-Cut it out.

-Sure.

I’m paralysed. My head can’t get through this twisted procedure anymore; days are marching one after another as the same exact instance being copied again and again. I tried so much to resist but my “job” here stopped helping a long time ago. Every bit on me seems hurt and rough. How long was I force to see everything slowly catch fire as I try to not get burnt alive? I could never know. All I know is how much washed out I feel here. Breaking my face, getting lost and playing chase with flames while asking for my dad through a stupid walkie talkie. Not that I ever need it to hear him. I got him right beside my ear all the time.

Even now.

“Stop acting like that, you’re an old man. It’s like you think I’m not in pain myself.”.

“But is it so easy for you?”.

“You think I’m not suffering inside? We’re in the same boat and we’re sinking.”.

“And what is she stood up right now? Looking at you and asking you what were we discussing just before?”.

“Twenty years, dear. Twenty years talking ‘bout the same damn things. Our daughter is gone, don’t you listen to the doctors? Am I wasting away on my own? Am I struggling to keep up with money by myself just to keep on hoping? Why are you doing this? Why in front of others, dear?”.

“I won’t bear this. I can’t bear this.”.

“It’s time to let her rest, us too. Or whatever is left there...”.

“Don’t cry, damn it. Don’t you see I’m holding it myself?”.

That’s my mom. Stiff as one can be at first just to breakdown in the end. Now my dad must hug her with those big ass arms until she eventually calms down. What I’d do to see them now, even though they must got so old through all those years.

When my mother stopped sobbing I wiped my eyes and saw the fire waiting ten steps away. Clothes, shoes, all of them slowly melt and drop to the boiling ground. I take the fox in my arms and run away in case we can get saved somehow. The fox doesn’t seem to have much time left. All I see is burnt fur and burst open skin. I barely have the courage to look at his face with this bloody tongue and two concerning little eyes.

-Can you still talk?

-As much as you can run.

He knows what he’s talking about. My body is slowing growing heavy and lags to respond. We are really dead meat.

-So nothing in here is real, huh? It’s all in my head.

-Does it matter? The point was to get a bit away from all of this. To stretch this as much as possible, until you wake up or until you… You know…

I’m not forcing the conversation any more. I’m grateful for his stance amidst all this chaos. He looks at me and nods to seal the mutual understanding. I smile and the saltiness from the tears and the blood goes right into my mouth. Awkward yet suitable.

When my feet start to sink from the upward sprint up the hill, the watch tower is finally revealed about a hundred meters away.

-A little bit of patience, we’re here.

-All of this is so unnecessary. We’re gonna be consumed by the fire in the end.

-I need to talk to them. Last try. Promise.

-As if we had more.

The rusty ladder moans while I climb it with the fox on my right soldier. The door of the tower room slams by the wind and all the glass windows are shattered with dust pilling up all the way to my knee. All the beer can thrown out, all the books and cds buried; only the desk with the main radio got away through all this. I lie down the fox on a corner of the bed and I examine the completely fucked up world outside. Everything is red and everything flickers in the flames. It’s a matter of minutes now.

I plug the radio and fix the antenna that gets dragged by the wind outside. The fox is watching me like he wants to make sure I do everything right. I make a weird gesture with my hand to reassure him during his last moments and he smiles. Then I play with the mic switch in my hands due to awkwardness. How much time do I have left? Judging the fire coming close to the window I kinda get the idea. But it seems I don’t need this kind of boogieman anymore to live and move in here; just patience. So I’m looking the frequencies one by one, calling and waiting for a response.

-I don’t know if you can hear me, maybe you escaped. Old people don’t particularly stand those situations. I just called for the sake of it. I called to say it’s ok and I understand, dad. And please tell the other not to whine and be bitter. The only thing missing right now is one last hug with you. If only I could feel a touch on my hand, damn it. Anyway, I’m tired. Be strong. I have no idea if, but I wish we meet again someday. Somewhere by the sea if it’s easy. So much desolation and so much pine, I can’t stand it anymore.

It’s like I had it written down with the words flowing so easily. I repeated them about twenty or thirty times out loud until my mouth went completely dry. I turn off the mic and look at the flame waving me from every direction. I wave back.

-We’ve said it well, even though no one got to hear it. The most beautiful in vain gesture ever.

How poetic. Didn’t know he had it in him.

I leave the radio in a frequency full of white noise to scratch my ears to oblivion. I don’t wanna hear my head go off until they reply back. Afterwards I give a tight hug to the fox with all power I have left to a point I think I’m strangling him. He doesn’t flinch, he understands. We sigh together and watch in slow motion the whole process. Fire knocking on the door to come in, surrounding everything, painting them all with a different color as I leave my sweat (and something more) on this cheap mattress. Maybe they didn’t get my message, I think, and I’m kinda holding a grudge at myself. Maybe if I had another chance I wouldn’t waste so much time. Maybe I could even wake up and see them, even if that meant I would die right after. Talk about bad luck, twenty years here and the alarm clock never get me out of bed once. My nerves. I have so much anger I could a person right now. I swear if someone would close my nostrils right now I’d explode from rage.

-So much for breaking your nose, I guess.

-For the love of god SHUT UP.

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