#*I've had great experiences but there are are also really horrible situations I've seen
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you know I was so excited to move on from my lab job and do health care because I wanted to do meaningful work that wasn't for the purpose of making a businessman richer, unfortunately I live in america
#all of our city hospitals are being bought by businesses and they're closing hospitals too#trying to get people what they need is a goddamn nightmare. I'm studying the insurance situation rn and it's like. evil#I mean overall#I do find my work meaningful and I really enjoy it*#BUT I also feel very helpless and angry in my limited role because it's so clear what people need (housing food respect childcare)#but we can't give it to them! we can refer them to people who may not even have the resources#I just really want to work in surgery that's all I ask#should have gone for surgical tech perhaps#*I've had great experiences but there are are also really horrible situations I've seen#and there are fields I am absolutely never going into#and ways that people I've shadowed or peers have spoken that have been so disturbing#the system is real fucked#and yet. we can't do without health care#cor.txt
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Last week our agility instructor said she wanted Forte to trial soon. There's an AKC trial at our club in May and there are CPE trials in March and April. She wants us to do one of the CPE trials to get real trial experience without worrying about a Q and then trial for real at the AKC event.
My initial thought was oh shit, I'm not sure we're ready for that. Forte runs nicely most of the time but gets sniffy when I'm unclear on our next move (aka me getting lost on the course). He also still gets distracted when dogs/people come or go. Not enough to pull him off course but I can see the attention shift.
My biggest fear is that he finds a trial too much and bails like he did last year at the ACT. In that instance he ran three times, not cleanly - we NQed, but stayed with me for the most part. Mid fourth run members of my household showed up in a well meaning way, but they brought Faye and he heard her complaining in the car. He slipped through a gap in the fencing ring and went to run circles around their car. Compounded on that fear is anxiety around what might happen if he leaves the ring. Will he run past the wrong dog who in turn has a go at him?
As horrible as our first instructor was, I cannot unhear her telling me to be extra careful with Forte. If anything happens between dogs, the Belgian will be blamed regardless of him actually being the aggressor or not.
So I was nervous for our first run tonight and got lost on the course and in my mind. Forte responded by alerting and then going for a sniff when I brushed it off and tried to cue him to the next obstacle. We did the whole run but it was bad. Honestly we haven't had such a disjointed run in almost a year.
As we waited for our next run I waffled between confirming that we definitely are not ready and trying again to see if I could pull myself together. Our second run was indeed better because I didn't get lost but it still wasn't great. I still wasn't fully there with him mentally.
So for our third run I said fuck my anxiety. It is just him and I here in this ring. I trust our relationship and both of our skills and we absolutely have this. And just like that we had the cleanest, smoothest run we've ever had, even with the next class coming in. He never even flicked an ear in their direction.
I was on cloud 9 all the way back to our seat. Until a person and dog from the next class I've not seen before came in. Dog stepped into the room and immediately targeted Forte, body low and forward with teeth fully bared and low growling. I expected them to give us space. But no, the handler strolled pretty much right up to us - with less than a foot between the dogs.
I felt like I was moving in slow motion, watching Forte get stiff when this dog just kept coming into his space. I thought about how this is different from the overly reactive dogs he is fairly frequently called upon to play neutral dog for. This dog had serious intent to hurt him. I gestured for Forte to move to my other side to create more space, he did without hesitation but I could feel his weariness. The other person/dog moved behind us, closing the distance between dogs again. I had Forte come around the front of me and to the other side, again trying to create space. As Forte moved away this other dog shot forward to make a grab for him. I stood up to be more of a barrier and while Forte was clearly tense, he continued to not react and follow directions.
The other handler did then finally move away from us. It felt like the whole thing went on for five minutes at least but was probably much shorter. I can't say for sure because of the way time gets distorted when I'm that stressed.
And while I give Forte all the props for letting me handle the situation I'm not really sure how I feel about potentially going to trial. On the one hand, I do believe if I have my internal shit together he'll do well. And he's proven, again, that he will not engage with reactive and/or aggressive dogs - at the very least if I'm supporting him but probably even without that.
But I'm worried about a full trial experience because I don't want to put him in a situation where he's in danger from another dog. No ribbon or title in the world is worth having another dog go after him. We both worked so hard to get through his own reactive phase and I would hate to send us back to that. But I also know that when I'm stressed/worried I tend catastrophize and my perspective gets warped by it.
We will keep showing up to classes, because we both enjoy agility. But I feel more mixed up about potentially trialing than I did last week. Hopefully between getting my thoughts out here and having some good weeks going forward I'll feel more confident entering a trial. But if not, I won't.
As much as I would really love to earn an agility title my mindset is very much dog first, sport second. Though in our case it's more like dog first, service work second, and sports third.
#dogblr#forte#belgian tervuren#psychiatric service dog#dog agility#agility training#long post#lots of rambling#i was really hoping this practice would help me assess whether or not we're ready to trial#but it very much did not#i definitely need more time to process things#i just never want my sport related goals to be prioritized over the dog themselves
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In the interest of wanting to love life again: what was your favourite moment of the Penguins season this year? Any happy memories?
I had a really great season, man.
I saw games with seven different fandom friends and got to introduce three of them to the city for the first time. I got to see so many wins alongside them, including several friends' first pens wins. I got to watch the Pens win a Pride game, which was amazing and so fun.
I got to see Geno's 1000th game in Chicago (with my family, who'd never been to a hockey game before), and then flew back to Pittsburgh to see them celebrate it on home ice—with Geno winning it in a shootout that was probably the coolest experience I've ever had in a hockey arena.
I got to see Tanger's 1000th game and share that with a friend. Seeing the funky fun little warmups (which I missed for Geno's in Chicago because the arena workers were mean 😂) was super special and cool.
I got to go to the night of assists, which was a lifetime experience, special and made all the better by getting to share it with a fandom friend.
I got to go to a Geno fan signing with another friend, and say hi to him as he signed my jersey and thank him for signing with the pens. he said he was glad to sign, too:)
I got to live through contractgate, which was horrible-at-the-time but also a really unifying experience.
I felt a thousand, no, a million times worse when Geno pulled that dumbass "I'm gonna test free agency 💅" move this summer that made me just SOB in the arrivals lane at an airport on the very first business trip I've ever made in my career ahahaha.
and it's weird and silly, because I'm a person who really needs to reframe those upsetting moments into something good. it's how I live with them. I remember how hopeless I felt—my plane had been turned around, I was late to my first business trip ever, I was about to meet my high-powered boss in person for the first time, I was standing in the Detroit heat waiting for 45 minutes for a shuttle to take me to the grimiest hotel I've laid eyes on because my connecting flight had been delayed until the next day... and I was just crying into my mask as I tried to console my fandom friends and keep my wits about me because it kind of felt like the world was ending.
and it wasn't... about... the team. in a way it wasn't even fully down to being about geno. do not get me wrong: I was personally devastated by the idea of him not coming back. he's one of My Guys. I was in denial about what I would do if he didn't sign with the Pens. I was so torn up about it that I stayed up for hours even though I was exhausted.
but the fear that kept me up in that really weird, shitty hotel room was the thought that my fandom was going to circle the drain because of it. we saw what a ship split did to tk/np, didn't we? their situation was different from sidgeno's... they lacked the amount of history, the sheer years... but nonetheless, I'm really, really aware of how small and tight-knit our corner of hockey fandom is. I was terrified of the possibility of geno leaving and that fracturing this really beautiful chunk of the internet that I've called home for the majority of my adult life, at this point.
that didn't happen. not only did it not happen, but I was in a vacation dreamland, barely needing to work on a business trip in the most gorgeous fantasyland location I've ever seen, having impressed my boss and nailed my part of the trip. all my anxiety—over the trip, over my job, over my fandom, over geno, over sid, over my friends dealing with this—was real, but it didn't win. instead I practically experienced euphoria on the shoreline.
I remember getting the text from a friend at close to midnight or whenever it was. geno had signed. things were going to be okay. things were going to be great.
and they were. I had so much fun this season, man. I really did. I wrote 14ish new fics this season. I participated in three (four? maybe more?) fic fests. I went to so many games that I felt gluttonous about it. I talked to tons of people all over this fandom. my friendships grew stronger. I traveled to two different states to visit fandom friends. I'm flying across the ocean to see more in the coming months.
and like... that's what matters. that ACTUALLY impacts my life, more than a man leaving a team, more than a team losing games. as important as certain players or records are to me, that's all stuff I can come to accept (well... some things I can accept. I don't think I'd ever have gotten over geno had he left. I get nauseous thinking about it. let's not muse on it. it didn't happen and that's what matters).
what I wouldn't have been able to accept was this space—this fandom, this lovely little corner where we talk about and joke about and blog about and meme about and write about the pens—unraveling. I'm not naive enough to expect this place to be around forever, and it already looks radically different from what it was when I joined it, but I'm determined to help preserve it for as long as I can. I want this to be a fun space. A creative one. Someplace where we're having a good time but also talking about things that matter to us and learning about the sport.
I told you all in a post a long while ago after I went to seattle that I want to be more assertive and honest about how much online friendships mean to me. the fact that there's this online community is sick. we're all in this cool little boat together and that is impressive and interesting and unique and I love it. I love fandom, and I love THIS fandom, and I love Sid and Geno and what we do in the name of their friendship. this place has enriched my life in ways I can't even tell you about. it's so cool. it is SO cool.
so.... I don't know what else to leave you with but this picture of the coastline I sat at on a cool July night, with my career changing in amazing ways and my anxieties quelled and my body flooded with adrenaline over the news that Geno Was Back and my mind BURSTING with creativity over a new story idea that was billowing out of me like smoke.
I sat there, headphones in, a song by one of my favorite bands playing on repeat as the sun set and the world turned the most intense shade of blue I'd seen in my life. I kept mouthing along to the words—Die if I must, let my bones turn to dust, I'm the lord of the lake and I don't want to leave it.
I just couldn't get over how lucky I felt. what a life I had. what fortune had come into my life. how crazy it was that things, like they seemingly so often do, worked out.
if I REALLY wanted to be trite, I could say something right now like "well, it was about time my luck ran out." but I don't feel like it has. tonight wasn't fun, but this season isn't about tonight for me.
this season is about:
the look on my friend's face as we caught sight of Sid at the night of assists and had that christ-he's-real moment
starting a podcast with my friends and getting to create silly goofy stuff in fun new ways
my dad being kind of alarmed at me screaming down at the ice and getting to explain to my sister what a power play was
getting to boo and cheer with the fans (and my friends). during overtime and the shootout for Geno's 1001th game, and the ecstasy of him winning it all.
having players walk past me and my friends at our dinner tables randomly in the city and getting to laugh about how cool/funny an experience that is 😂
having geno help me win a game of blackjack, which will forever be one of the coolest things I've been able to experience
organizing trips for people who've never seen the city before and having them tell me how fun experiencing pgh is, which is so meaningful as someone who's done a lot of growing up here
meeting new friends, both online and in person, and getting to learn about them and write with them and create with them
writing. writing. writing. the thing I've loved to do since I was a child. the thing I want to dedicate myself even more fully to.
reading the works people in our fandom write and share, which is such an overwhelming act of community and passion that I need to remind myself of how extraordinary it is
sitting out on the edge of the water and marveling at what a life I had, literally none of it possible without fandom. nothing in my life has shaped my literal life path as much as this fandom and S+G.
this is overly sentimental and perhaps cloying, but god, do I mean it. I mean it so earnestly I can't even be embarrassed about it.
life is good. tonight was hard, and I saw things that are going to stick with me and probably upset me, but the positives outweigh the negatives as a rule in my life. I can't live otherwise. I won't tell anyone else how to deal with stress or fear, and I'm trying to get better at that, but in the meantime I'll leave you with that image of the big blue world all laid out in front of me and me feeling every feeling in the world there was to feel, because I was so overwhelmed with the previous 24 hours that it was all I could do to sit there and let it run its course.
I'm an optimist, for better or worse, because it's the way I make life bearable. and, because I'm also kind of corny, I'm going to go back to that blue dusk eating up the whole sky and melting into the water and remember how I felt.
that's why I'm here. I hope there are moments from this season that made you feel like that, too. I hope you, like me, feel that those moments greatly and meaningfully outweigh bad ones.
it was a good year. I can't wait for whatever comes next.
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Ok, so I know that there are two other asks from me that you've yet to answer, but I have another thought I'd like to share/get off of my chest. You can ignore it if you want...
Just a heads up, it's kinda dark ⚠️
I would be fucking terrified of Roxanna in Reader's position. We know what she can and will do (case and point Stateira and Parysatis) to get what she wants. And depending on how insecure Reader is, she may secretly fear that Alexander would side with Roxanna if things came to a boiling point (ie attempted poisoning, physical altercation etc). No matter how much Alexander says he loves her and only her, Roxanna is the most beautiful woman in Persia, and their marriage makes more diplomatic sense.
This is going to be really dark, but would your Reader ever consider 'taking care' of Roxanna? It's one thing for Reader to only worry about her own hide, but if there are young children involved, well, that changes everything. There is also the matter of Stateira and Parysatis. You've hinted that Reader will become close with them. Perhaps fearing for her children's safety, and wanting to save her friends from a horrible fate, she decides to act?
Idk, my experiences with bullying during High School would probably compel me to strike before I or those I care about get hurt/killed and my background in biology has taught me a few ways to 'handle things' discreetly. Besides, it's not like they did autopsies over 2000 years ago. Also, Cassander had her and her son poisoned after Alexander's death in real life so it could be seen as just ... speeding things up??
So, that was dark, but its past midnight where I am rn, and I needed to get it off my chest before I could sleep. And who better to pester than you?
Thanks for reading!
--O-
I don't judge you, anon. I would also be terrified if it was me in this situation, plus the fact that I'm over 2,000 years in the past, I'd still have to deal with a lot of political shit and yandere. And Roxanna is not going to be easy to deal with.
She is absolutely possessive of Alexander and seeing her history with poor Stateira and Parysatis... Yes, I would be scared as hell, especially if I had children who would be in danger because of her.
Alexander will have a very big role to play in regards to Roxanna and Y/n's relationship, especially during Y/n's pregnancy. One spoiler I will give is: he will not tolerate any threat that may come to Y/n and the twins.
According to some historical sources, one of the reasons, if not the main reason, that Roxanna murdered Stateira was because she was also pregnant with Alexander, and she did not want any threat to her son's position. The plan backfired, however, because Cassander had her and her son killed in the end.
Maybe I'll decide to keep it in fanfic.
About the Reader deciding to deal with Roxanna... I can arrange that, but it will vary from the situation, but yes, our Y/n is smart and she knows what happened or, what should happen. And her being friends with Stateira and Parysatis and pregnant... There are big reasons for her to decide to do something about all of this.
I get it, I was bullied for years and I regret not taking action when I could, but it never really paid off when I decided to do something. What happened last year is a great example of that, but whatever. And I'm studying pharmacy technician and I've learned ways to deal with someone permanently, not that I'm going to do that, but I can always incorporate that into the story.
Mainly because Y/n will have basic knowledge of modern medicine or even more depending on what I choose.
Always feel free to send me your thoughts, anons! I'm happy to read them and answer them, even if sometimes it can take a while! <3
~ Lady L
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Hi!!! It has been a while since I've seen anyone doing matchups, and I think you're the first one I've seen doing them for BG3!! I'm really excited hehe. Could I request a match up, pleade?
My character is someone who, first and foremost, admires the beautiful things in life. She's adventurous, fiercely loyal, immensely kind and has an unbreakable will. She loves to sing, dance, and play music, and it's very adept at it, so much so that her style of combat involves sword-dancing and casting magic through music. It's her goal to see her actions make the world a better place.
On the downside, she is also very innocent, sometimes foolishly so. She doesn't really think someone might be playing a bigger game and always tries to see the good side even in the most nefarious entities. She can also be inexperienced in socially dealing with others or certain situations, for she has lived a somewhat cloistered life away from others and this makes her somewhat of a slow-learner. However, people around her tend to find themselves at ease due to her warm and inviting aura.
On more technical aspects, she's a female Selandrine Drow of short stature, athletic body and has light golden eyes and highlights contrasting her long, curly white hair. She is straight and for that reason male matches are preferred! She also doesn't have virtually any experience in the dating scene, and for that reason she is willing to at least try both mono and poly relationships, but as of right now has no preference in either.
Thank you so so much!! Hope this was acceptable ✨️
A/N: This was great! Thank you for the details! Okay, for my Selandrine Drow Anon, I think your best matchup would be with… Asatrion!
⭐ Astarion would be a good match for your Selandrine Drow Tav. They’re both lovers of the beautiful things in life, Astarion because he’s rather indulgent and after years of torment needs things to live for, and your Tav because she’s looking for beauty to make the world a better place. So even though Astarion’s fascination with beauty is more materialistic, he also looks for beauty as a sign the world is worth fighting for. He’s been through quite a lot of abuse and torment. And I’m sure your Tav has seen her fair share of that as well being a drow and all. They’re both looking for reasons to keep on fighting the good fight, and for them, I’d think they’d find that in each other.
Astarion isn’t exceedingly kind, but he is loyal. Once he decides someone is a worthy ally, or a trustworthy friend, he’s rather dependent on them, even if he wishes he wasn’t. He’s extremely willful but also very needy, and this can make him bitter at times. However, I think your Tav’s kindness and innocence would help Astarion let his guard down a bit. There’s a sort of comfort in knowing you have the upper hand when it comes to all the horrible things people could be planning to do to you. Astarion feels safe, because he knows she isn’t playing a bigger game as you say. He definitely feels a sense of protection over your Tav because of this naivety. He’s very smooth and charismatic socially, so he’ll take the lead in those situations, to ensure no one gets hurt.
He loves how your Tav sings and dances and plays music. It’s such a joyful thing. And he really loves how dramatic she is, incorporating it into her fighting style. It’s so theatrical and witty- he’s drawn to her especially because of that.
He may have had some initial reservations about befriending a drow, even a Selandrine one. Then again, once he meets your Tav and sees how kind and trusting she is, he lets those biases go. Afterall, she remained his friend after he revealed his true vampiric nature, so who is he to judge? Plus as a Selandrine, she doesn’t follow the same strict rules as a more Lolth-sworn drow, which Astarion appreciates. He may not believe in any gods himself, but he admires someone who is willing to stand out against the crowd, in order to pursue what they believe, regardless of how different it is.
And he adores the fact that their hair matches. She’d have to tell him of course, because he can’t see his reflection. But he thinks it’s sort of ironically adorable how profusely similar they look as a couple. Astarion himself may have many years experience in the bedroom, but virtually none in the dating scene. So he’s very happy to take things slow within their relationship.
If he remains a vampire spawn, and doesn’t ascend, he’s glad your Tav is as willing to spend time in the dark or shade as he is. I mean, he’ll gladly watch from safely inside the house as she frolics around outside, singing in the sun. But he’s happiest when the two of them are under the stars together, while she plays a sweet melody just for him.
#astarion x tav#astarion imagine#bg3 x tav#bg3 imagine#astarion x reader#bg3 x reader#bg3 matchups#matchups#baldurs gate matchups
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Hi Bea, hope it's okay to ask this, why do some people don't like Louis drinking too much? I mean he isn't that much of an alcoholic, is it because of the recent Jojo interview? I'm just really curious why people are angry at Louis on his vices, hope you dont see me as a rude anon, I'm just very curious and you have great commentary so 🥺💐 pleaseee.
Hi friend
This is a big question that I am going to try to summarise my thoughts on.
I think the first thing is that in part this is much broader than just Louis but how a lot of people within fandom see the world, the role Louis (& Harry/Zayn/Liam - I see it less with Niall, though it may just be I don't see it) plays in their life and their desire to exert control over behaviour. That doesn't just apply to alcohol, you see it with smoking, weed, drug use, their relationships, family and friendships.
Louis has spoken about drinking in a range of situations and he has talked that about that as something he enjoys socially, and that sometimes he has a drink before/during a show because the ritual of it calms his nerves. I think Louis (and the others) have had plenty of experience with alcohol and drug use, and they've probably all used alcohol and drugs at times when that maybe hasn't been helpful for them. But all of that, every single decision they make, every single drink they have or line they snort or joint they smoke is not for fans to pass judgement on.
The other thing fans need to understand is how accessible drugs and alcohol are. In the UK as an average person, weed, coke and ket in particular are as accessible as vodka red bull. They're a pretty big part of pub/club/festival culture and tbh life. I think you would struggle harder to find someone in the UK who hasn't tried, or had a period where they used one of those with some regularity, than someone who hasn't. Now if seventeen year old me, working part time in Tesco in 2011 could access those like I could find an irn bru in Glasgow, then you have to amplify that by one thousand for nineteen year old Louis in this massive boyband and in the music industry. that is as true today as it was then. Alcohol and drug use is such a part of touring and music industry that you cannot de-link those, it is an incredibly stressful industry. On top of that, alcohol and drug use is more likely to turn into addiction where they are already dealing with trauma or mental health or any other vulnerabilities.
What I also want to be clear about is that I don't think we have enough to know if he has personally experienced addiction (though Louis has undoubtedly had experience of addiction with those around him both personally and professionally). I've not seen enough to suggest either way and I think it is daft to think we know enough to make that call, or that we should.
My biggest issue is, and will always be, that the approach fandom takes to alcohol and drug use, helps no-one. All it does is pass judgement which adds to existing stigma and shame, this idea that drinking or drug use is some horrible harmful choice leads to people feeling isolated, and that isolation deprives people of access to resources - how do fans think that this approach would support anyone? As usual though, my biggest concern is the other people who absorb this from fans and then internalise it and/or send it back out into the world.
So why do I think fans react this way? I think fans are projecting, I think fans would like to be able to control Louis' life and when they disagree with the way in which Louis is navigating his own life they use this 'concern' over his health or choices in a manner that is manipulative and shaming.
#have come back to edit my tags after reading Ralph’s bc I agree a lot#in the hopes of making some fans see this better too#among other things#I’ve done more than my fair share of coke#and there are plenty of ways that choice impacted#I don’t want to glamorise this at all#but#at no point would I consider myself to have had an addiction#I have plenty of experience with people who do#but part of the problem is looking at everything in such a black and white manner#it would be helpful if you could try to look at things not through this kind of judgemental lens where everything is healthy or unhealthy#if you can’t hold space for people to even talk about their drink or drug habits#how do you expect to support anyone?#without immediately passing judgement and berating them#anon#alcohol#addiction#drug use
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𝚊 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚑𝚊𝚍!! fanexpo was absolutely nuts, but overall we had a really fun time, met some insanely cool [ and attractive ] people, and came home a lot more broke but with lots of memories!
meeting joseph was a little bit disappointing [ i hate to say ] -- nothing to do with him!! he was seriously so lovely, kind, ridiculously cute, and i am so beyond grateful that i got multiple opportunities to see him / that he even does things like this! that said: the people who were handling him or whatever were just horrible. i've done a lot of cons over the years [ including this one ] and i've never seen an artist / celebrity handled this way. they severely overbook him to the point where it felt like it was impossible for him to see everyone, and i felt like i was lucky to get 0.5 seconds of his time. like with ALL my other photo ops and autographs i've had [ also with some big names ], i've had great experiences -- lines still move really smooth and quick, but somehow there's time for a hug or a cute little pose in a photo, there's time for like a couple words back and forth, just to make the interaction a LITTLE bit more special for each person who spent so much money for it and some traveling from out of state or country even!
again: it's not joe's fault at all and i'm still so so so grateful i got to see him! but the greed of the con really was just so frustrating because i feel like it ended up eating into what could have been more special, enjoyable interactions. it feels like $$$$ > the actual customer experience. like ... for my photos, they were just SCREAMING at us "NO POSES! HE WILL NOT POSE! NO HUGGING! NO PROPS!" i was like: "NO FUN!" like ... i get trying to keep things moving, but jesus, it was giving ✨hostage situation✨ and literally sucked all of the fun out of the whole thing. it was like: you walk in, they're all screaming and then you're just rushed in the room, thrown at joseph and SNAP! there's your photo BYE!
i feel like i didn't even have time to have A THOUGHT before they took the photo -- and i had 2 photos but hated my second one [ joe had his hand in his pocket and i ended up next to that arm which he didn't or couldn't move to pose better with me so, i just look like this awkward ass third wheel ... like i'm not even supposed to be in the photo ... maybe i cried about it! mind your business! ] -- and in the first photo? which i like better / have here, they didn't even catch the massive glare on my glasses for me to come back and fix [ again, i had like zero time to even think about how my head was posed so, i didn't realize! also: with my charlie cox photo? they caught the glare and called me back to take a second photo so ... ]
i also wanna say that i understand that some people don't wanna hug or do things, i don't feel entitled to celebs that way of course [ i always ask before things like that! consent always! ] but like ... i saw photos of joseph hugging people or doing cuter photos / poses -- maybe i just needed to say 'fuck it' and ask HIM instead of listening to the staff screeching at everyone, but that's just not my nature! i'm a rule-follower! lmao sgdasfdg
BUT Y'KNOW. i'm still glad i was able to do it, and there were so many other more amazing experiences and interactions that everything sort of balanced back out again. ❤️❤️❤️ charlie cox is a LITERAL ANGEL and i cannot deal with how adorable and sweet he is. jon bernthal is always a freaking delight [ utter chaos with the family taking photos with them before us like ... they had a baby that just burst into tears and it was literally ... so funny i cannot tell you. absolutely the perfect sum up to an insane day 😂 ]. we met grace van dien and gabriel luna on total whims, and they were probably some of the kindest, most lovely people i've ever met. we gave grace a couple cute beaded "friendship bracelets" that we bought from a vendor at the con [ to match ones that my friend and i had got ] so we could like all be 'besties' and she legit loved them so much and we all just high-pitch girly screamed at each other 😂💞 [ i think she even wore them the next day on sunday, too! 🥺 ].
AND LET ME TELL YOU THAT GABRIEL LUNA HAS A NEW LIFETIME FANGIRL IN ME NOW. like, i loved him on the last of us, but we literally were just like: oh he's cute, we loved the show, and his line wasn't too long at the time so we were like 'hey what the heck, let's get a photo.' he was literally leaving his table just to come into the little line and talk to EVERY PERSON to thank them for being there -- shaking hands, eye-contact, hugs, remembering people BY NAME from previous days / events / etc. i called him 'the peoples' princess' tbh and i stand by it! he looked me right in the eyes and called me 'sweetheart' and i swear to goD i swooned [ the slight southern accent really did something to me, all that combined like are yoU KIDDING ME???? ]. then when we actually went up to chat and get our photo with him like ... he loved my eddie vest i had on and was like DO YOU HAVE THE DIO PATCH, I LOVE DIO ... he then sang at me a piece of a tenacious d song that mentions dio ... told my friend that her name was the same as his first love in high school???? called me sweetheart more, called us BOTH 'cutie patooties' and just .... i was like ARE WE BEST FRIENDS NOW??? but this kind of stuff is what i go to cons for: these really amazing, special interactions that i know i'll never ever forget. i'm pretty sure i just melted into the floor -- gabriel luna is a real one for sure, and i really appreciate him taking all that time and energy to make everyone feel so special! ❤️❤️❤️
OH! then there was jodi freaking benson [ lovely! ] and sean gunn [ so cool! super nice! ] -- so, with all the madness, it was all totally worth it to meet artists who have created / been a part of so many films / shows / etc. that just mean so much to me! i appreciate them all for coming out and letting us nerds say hello! ❤️😌 NOW just to countdown until the july con where i'm gonna probably pass out after meeting andrew garfield and brie larson! lmao
#** DO NOT REBLOG **#MY FACE + A LIL RECAP OF SORTS#phew this weekend was a lot and now i'm back to work which is also ...... ugh#hope you're all having a good tuesday! ❤️❤️❤️#00. // OUT OF AMMO ( OOC POST. )
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//I just gotta say you do a fuckin AMAZING job writing honey!!! She's such an interesting character and
//honestly her during this whole arc has been pretty relatable in a way jdhdndg
//can't imagine how hard it was to like , explicitly show all the way up to this where everything had been let loose that she was still just so angry at him underneath it all, even if she was still having fun and making fun of bell light-heartedly and I've never seen anyone really just .capture that before especially in such emotional accuracy
Ooc:
So when I read this yesterday you gave me the equivalent of human zoomies for an hour when I was supposed to be going to bed. Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm blushing. This is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to meeee. (⁄ ⁄•⁄v⁄•⁄ ⁄)⁄
I go over my 'breakdown' of this arc below the break, but please know that I love all of you and thanks so much for enjoying my gal. She means a lot to me. I'm glad my mental process comes through in her words and actions.
Also If you want more lighthearted stuff - I have a few more Amy roasts to go through so Do Not Worry we will flambae this man yet.
I am also gonna write this warning here as well - Content Warning for death, implied suicide, abandonment, animal abuse, pokemon abuse and generally uncomfortable topics to think about.
Honey could be charitably called a 'self insert' - although she looks nothing like me and we do have differing opinions on a lot of topics. From my experience with TTRPGs and running them for 7 years I find the greatest advice I can give to anyone both old and new is to put pieces of yourself into your oc's. This is two-fold for importance.
1) It fleshes them out and makes you like them. If you have a character with similar morals and goals to yourself it is much easier to relate to them and makes you actually want to continue - you know - playing them. Honey has many traits that I don't. But we do share a deep love for people (and pokemon but her love is much more tangible than mine). She has a strong sense of fair play and is stubborn to a fault, which is something a lot of people can relate with. Her flaws are the same as her strengths and that makes her feel alive.
2) The second part is - in my humble opinion - more important. You know how they Feel. Emotions are a fickle thing in roleplay. You have to be very good at separating fiction from reality. It helps a lot when you are in constant communication with the people you are creating the story with.
When I was writing Honey over the course of this arc, I noticed that I started getting agitated - not from myself - but when I put myself in Honey's shoes. And after some contemplation I could realize why. This whole situation reminded me of those "Don't Drink and Drive" TV ads where the owner of a dog leaves, promising to come back. For a few moments you get a horrible sinking feeling because you know that this is an ad for drunk driving. But the dog doesn't. But after a few shots the person returns! All's well that ends well. You get your catharsis because that's a bit too dark a subject for daytime tv.
But I always wondered what would happen if the person never came back.
Dogs and cats are pretty smart all things considering. But how would this sort of thing affect a creature that has a higher level of intelligence? Little kids don't have a super great grasp on death - and I assume that most pokemon (there are exceptions to the rule) have the emotional and mental capacity of around a 3 year old. But you can also verbally explain death to a child when they are old enough. How do you explain to a ratatta that their trainer passed away?
This has never been stated explicitly until recently but Honey does have a slightly longer relationship with Amy than is immediately apparent. Especially with his pokemon. She cares about them and understands them to some degree. She knows roughly their emotional intelligence and ability to grasp abstract concepts. Honey has no illusions that Maxx, Beetroot and a handful of Amy's other pokemon are smart enough to connect the dots if he up and vanished. Some of them might even hold a grudge or mourn his loss.
But she knows there are also many pokemon in his care that aren't smart enough to understand. Bruno in particular - who is arguably the pokemon Honey is most emotionally attached to. Bruno is a strange case because he has a very good memory. He remembered Honey at the wedding by smell alone; a solid 3-5 years after they first met. Honey had a decent impact on his life but her influence is nothing compared to how much he cares about Bellamy.
So you have a perfect storm - A pokemon smart enough to remember people and has object permanence but not smart enough to understand the possibility of death or the idea that their human - who they love more than life itself - is never going to come back home. Thinking of that mental image - Bruno sitting alone at the door waiting for Amy forever - is basically the sole reason for her anger.
There is compounding issues of course. Did Amy even think to put all his Pokemon in his will? Would his current funds allow each of them to live in the lifestyle they are accustomed to? How many of them could stay together? Would they all have to be adopted out to other people? How many of them are at risk solely because they were the Pokemon of TV icon 'Professor Wild Days'?
Maybe Amy has plans in place for if that were to ever happen. But Honey doesn't know. She thought Amy was more prepared than that but the fact he just marched into the Cold Storage with no plan and without any proper backup has seriously shaken her faith in his ability to consider the longstanding ramifications of his actions.
So when Honey says 'I am pissed' what she really means is 'I am scared that you don't care about yourself enough to realize that your family is still here and depends on you. I'm scared that you aren't living for them. And that makes me angry on their behalf.' This is something I also deeply care about. The greatest thing that helped me in my darkest periods of my life is remembering the creatures that depend on me. Not the humans in my life; but the pets and animals that need me because if I disappear I don't know what will happen to them.
... That's pretty dark and serious. But it's also a damn good reason to be angry.
#ooc post#irl pokemon#rl pokemon#pokeblogging#asks#cw death#cw implied suicide#cw abandonment#cw animal abuse#cw pokemon abuse#cw depression#cw high stakes pokeblogging#honoria lore
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So I was looking at soap's wiki page and it says that he visited his cousin in the SAS many times and also tried to join under aged a few times, right? Well it doesn't say why, tho. And any normal person would assume that he wanted to join so bad because of his cousin. But im not normal so I got to thinking.well even if he did join just because of that cousin, that doesn't explain why whe tried to join early. Multiple times. So obviously there is atleast another factor in this situation. And we've all established his thing for hating himself, just a bit, and he's definitely not a straight man. And well homosexual and military down exactly sound like a the most delicious martini. And I'm not exactly caught up on Scotland's ally status, nor have I found much info about his family. So what if this was his way of self punishment for being a gay man?
But, El, what if he didn't realize his sexuality until aftet he joined? Or his family was supportive? An excellent question. If it wasn't that maybe it was because he had no direction in life. Perhaps he felt lost. Academics maybe weren't his strong suit, or he burnt out at somepoint, so college (university?) Wasn't an option. Maybe his parents said either higher education or a job, right?(yes I'm heavily projecting onto this poor man, I'm sorry but you also can't stop me) In today's day and age it is becoming increasingly difficult to find a job without a college degree. And jobs like that can always be unstable or underpaid or overworked, understaffed, unnecessarily dangerous, and a multitude of other things. But the military? Well you know what you're signing up for, you really only have to do as your told and no more, and you can do alot of good. Plus he already has a cousin in there.
Or maybe its as simple as his family has/had money issued and the military gives good pay?
Also apparently I left a comment on the latest chapter of I.S.B.T.P.K.F.T.S and I don't remember lol. Also I promise the next part of my favorite moments is coming out. I've been very busy lately. Sorry for the long ask
I've had SO many thoughts about Soap joining the military ESPECIALLY the fact he tried to join at 16 but was refused. You are allowed to join the military at 16 with parental consent, so I've come to the conclusion that his parents wouldn't like the fact that he wanted to be in the military - this tracks considering many Scots who see them self separate from Brits aren't typically the biggest fans of joining UK collective things like the military (this is coming from my Irish bg so it could be different).
As to why he wanted to join, I think there are multiple reasons, but if his queerness is a reason I would think its less to do with punishing himself (though sometimes it may feel like a punishment being around Ghost when Soap wants him so badly) and more to do with him possibly avoiding telling his family. Scotland as a whole recently is quite up there in ally status but that 1) doesn't reflect how the 2000's/2010's were 2) doesn't mean everyone is an ally ofc. Anyway, the MacTavishes aren't homophobic in any regard but that doesn't mean Soap knows that or isn't scared (either bc he's never seen his family react to queer people irl or, if he has, he'll think he'll be an exception).
Other causes likely are due to his school career: he was a footballer, but I don't think he ever tried to go pro, and in ISBTPKFTS the backstory I've given him wouldn't allow him to (W.C status and home life). And you make a great point with burnout - if we're sticking to real rules of the army, he wouldn't be able to be medicated or have lesson plan adjustments for his ADHD if he's diagnosed (i think I read that somewhere) so he's either not diagnosed or he never had accommodations so burnout is very likely. Uni, of course, would seem like a horrible thing for him, even if he was like many ppl who go to uni for the experience or bc of the job market.
But the idea that his parents expecting him to get a job or go to uni is very real (dw I'm also projecting here) and the monotonous work/life balance sounded like hell. Knowing his cousin's life in the army definitely planted the seed, and I think (in the fic at least) he'd visit his cousin to get some free time away from home but it ends up convincing him of what he wanted to do with his life. Like you said, you know what you sign up for with the army. He probably didn't expect the RSD to follow him especially if he isn't diagnosed, or if he's not very clued up on that part of his ADHD,hence why he can't rationalise his own feelings when they start to overwhelm him
Also dont be sorry and there's no rush I love that you even want to make those posts in the first place!! Thank you
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anyways hi again rant blog today’s topic: the cruelty to dream after his face reveal because my babygirl is supposedly getting slaughtered on the internet though idgaf and he doesn’t either because he’s currently having the best week of his life 🫶🫶🌟🌟🌟
anyways. I’ve managed to curate a great social media experience bc the only hate I’ve seen at all was when I actively went out searching for it—aka browsing dwt2 and seeing what their thoughts on threads and shit were—or seeing people discourse post about what was happening.
What I HAVE seen is a lot of shit going around about how people's bodyshaming and bullying is rooted in the fact that he’s a bad person but it’s really telling that most of what they’ve heard is from a game of horrendously broken telephone: he’s racist, ableist, homophobic, a master manipulator, etcetera, and their proof is either an outdated and addressed google doc callout or a twitter thread that is half made up.
I'll be the first to admit Dream's past and his first year and a half or so of content creation weren't handled the best—I joined up probably halfway through that time period, I was here for the war cry situation, I was here for the speedrunning, I was here for the ableist stuff that he did, and for the supposed d0xxing of the black lesbian during june 2021. So with such a long (and by no means exhaustive) laundry list of supposed bad things he's done, how could anyone continue to support him???
Well, the answer is simple—I watched him change. He WAS someone who grew up in a toxic gaming environment that I also grew up tangential to. I knew how bad it got because I had friends in the exact same circles. Same paths of right-leaning home values bleeding into right-leaning online gaming circles causing kids that I knew were good people when I met them falling down deeper and deeper into that same pipeline. I don't keep in contact with most of them anymore, but I more than anything hope that they gained the same wisdom Dream did and changed for the better. Because they are intrinsically good people.
Over the past 2 years, I've watched Dream unlearn a lot of the shit that he thought he knew, seen him take the time to talk with people who want to see him change for the better. He's a smart cookie and someone fundamentally good, and he's really learned a lot since I started watching him. If you read his most recent pastebin, it's plain as day that he understands the weight of his past actions and that he regrets it. I've read a lot of his apologies, and that one took the cake for sincerity and regard for the impacts of his history. The temperamental, stubborn asshole that I first followed on Twitter doesn't exist anymore. He's mellowed out a lot, he's learned a lot from his mistakes, and the biggest thing is that there's nowhere in his content where the supposed homophobia or racism or whatnot even have a CHANCE to bleed into his content.
That leads me into what I think is one of my biggest gripes with Dream controversies: they're based off of things that came from borderline, if not fully, illegal sources or just generally stalker-ish behavior. Like the Reddit account that supposedly was shared with a co-worker? People had to find deleted accounts, use waves and waves of the wayback machine and when that failed, used other methods to try and dig up something that was obviously never meant to be found and had no parallels in the present. Don't even fucking get me started on the fact that his personal information became a trend to post on social media?? Like how fucking horrible does the internet have to be to understand that there is no reason why a Minecraft YouTuber deserves to see information that could endanger him and his family on the trending page of multiple social media sites. Even shit that didn't really escape the fandom but turned a lot of people away came straight from KF and the worst depths of the internet. If that doesn't tell you that stuff like that shouldn't be touted regardless of the target, idk what will.
He's a 23 year old guy. He's made many many bad decisions and done a lot of stupid shit as a kid and as a growing creator. But the level of cruelty that has come from people about his face because they think he's a bad person is complete bullshit. Regardless of the person, if they're truly horrible, there are a billion ways to criticize them without bringing looks into it. Yet Dream isn't that horrible person. Nearly every controversy he's been in has been addressed and he's certainly the punching bag for a larger trend in the gaming community because the things that I've seen from him are the exact same things I've seen a million times from others at the same time. He provides love and support to people regardless of their background, seems to regularly give back to people, and strives to be a source of comfort to the massively diverse audience that I've met in my time as a Dream stan.
But yeah, there really isn't any reason to complain, I haven't actually seen much hate despite there supposedly being an ample amount, and I'm going to keep it that way! We finally are getting tons of content from the guys and they're happier than ever meeting each other, fans, and friends. :]
p.s. he's definitely not an ugly guy! genuinely I think he's on the attractive side of 'normal guy' and he's cute and pretty. he also acts so babygirl I love him even though he's truthfully not my type. he's perfect anyways bc my 'type' and measure of attractiveness is subjective and he has a golden personality
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hey, i would love to hear your thoughts about edward and ocd!!! honestly i don't know if i've ever seen that elaborated on before, would love to hear more!
Omg okay thank you so much for asking!!!! Dumped a load of thoughts over private messages this morning so I'll drop those with a couple of edits if I have better clarity now lmao
Okay yes so,,,,,,, to start. What do we know about Edward? He grew up in a time that was pretty repressed. He also died quite young without a great deal of experiences under his belt. As a vampire he hears everybody's thoughts all the time. He has a very strong sense of right and wrong. Etc etc
So like we understand he is ace like; he never shows sexual interest in anyone other than Bella, he KNOWS what sexual attraction looks like in people's thoughts, and he really knows that he doesn't have that. Maybe he even goes through all those phases of thinking he's weird, thinking he's better than everyone, not caring at all, idk he has a century for identity crisis really. Love that for him. I hc that he pretty much understands his feelings on it by the time of the book even though he may not necessarily identify as "asexual" per se, if asked if he was that he'd probably say yes
And I am convinced he has OCD. I've got another post about this that I can try to find and reblog again where we've discussed Twilight & neurodiversity which I really love. So obviously everyone gets thoughts in their brain that are uncomfortable and the disorder part of OCD comes from when you can't shake them, you become obsessive over them (source: me and the research I have done on my own mental illness thank you). As a vampire who doesn't want to kill humans, you frequently get unpleasant intrusive thoughts about killing humans. As a vampire who can read other vampire's minds it's even worse. The way Edward sees himself as inherently evil because of his "vampire instincts" is SO familiar to me as how I used to see myself before I better understood my OCD I just think it's all there!!! He's getting all these intrusive thoughts about his worst nightmare and he CAN'T SHAKE THEM
And like we know that Carlisle considers himself to be a monster and that's where Edward got all those thoughts from but it doesn't bother Carlisle as much because he's not got OCD whereas Edward does which is why he's so fixated on it it all makes SENSE
So then he meets Bella. A human. Who his FIRST thought when he smells her is how much he NEEDS to kill her. For an hour he sits with intrusive thoughts about completely abandoning his morals to kill a room of humans over her. It's horrible for him. I actually go back and read this extract of Midnight Sun even though I can't actually finish the damn thing because it's a horrible scene to read and it really speaks to the way he struggles with his mental health as a character. And then beyond this scene he never really stops getting intrusive thoughts about Bella because he *knows* how fragile she is and simply because it bothers him so much
SO THEN we finally get back to how this looks to his sexuality because!! He's never had to think about this before. But he suddenly finds himself deeply romantically involved with a human. Does she desire him? He doesn't think so until she clarifies that she really does, but he thinks about it. And he's scared because it comes with it a whole new set of intrusive thoughts. That relate to the possibility of sexual activity and how much he could hurt Bella in that situation. He's terrified of this happening as we see the entire time Bella is human
I think it's so interesting how throughout the series, any desire to have sex with Bella whether that's through sexual attraction as a demisexual or grey ace, or as an activity he's happy to do to make Bella happy, it's always first considered through the lens of his OCD. And like what's always heartbreaking to me is that when they DO first have sex, because Edward convinces himself it's fine and he can control himself and he's maybe not evil if Bella loves him so much she'll marry him-- he hurts her. Not much but he does. Which really adds to how much he doesn't want it to happen again!! Because he's terrified of himself and really believes he's a monster
Anyway it's all so compelling to be because it's so so hard when your sexuality and mental illness interact and then as an immortal all powerful vampire who can read minds, that experience becomes even more unique yknow??
I could really talk about it forever but these are my main thoughts?? Thanks for enabling me lmaoo
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Hiya. More Poe Dameron smut and fluff for everyone to enjoy. You and Poe both live on the rebellion base on D'qar.
I've always imagined that Poe would be excited about becoming a father, regardless of the circumstances, and be a loving and supportive partner.
For some reason the idea of fertile Poe is sexy to me. Lol. Having a bunch of cute, curly haired space babies.
You are a member of the black squadron and a respected X wing pilot in your own right. You've made some stupid decisions in your lifetime but never any like this one.
After a few too many drinks you ended up enjoying a steamy, completely unprotected one night stand with Poe Dameron.
And now you're pregnant with his child. How will you cope raising a baby with a man you barely know?
Warnings, unprotected sex, some angst, breeding kink, not for anyone under 18.
You're not afraid to admit it. You are a different woman altogether when you've been drinking.
But even for you, the mess you're in is something even you couldn't have predicted.
Now all you have are memories, regret, and a positive pregnancy test. You stare at that little stick with the two lines on it and the memories flood back, you can't help but smile a little.
Six weeks earlier.....
It's your best friend Yasmela's birthday. You and the rest of the black squadron are celebrating with adult beverages abound in a cantina located on the rebellion base D'qar.
The leader of the black squadron, Poe Dameron, who's also a bit tipsy, has been eyeing you all night.
Okay, the two of you have been exchanging mutual flirty glances. You haven't been entirely innocent, it's hard to ignore anyone, but especially someone as gorgeous as him, when it's obvious that he's checking you out.
"Well do you like what you see?" Poe asks, laughing a little, attempting to break the ice.
"What would make you think that?" You reply, giggling a little.
Poe notices the flushing of your cheeks, brought on by a combination of drinking too much and the situation currently at hand.
"Ohhhhh I'm making you nervous". Poe continues, slurring his words a little. "You're normally such a quiet girl, y/n, I barely know you because you won't talk to hardly anyone".
"I'm a simple woman devoted to defeating the first order". You reply, smiling a little.
"So am I, but I believe in letting loose every once in awhile". Poe teases as he brushes back his dark, curly hair from his face.
"So you're also a simple woman?" You reply, bursting into laughter.
Soon both of you are laughing uncontrollably. So much so that you have tears in your eyes.
"No, I wasn't the last time I checked". Poe continued, his laughter calming a little. "What I meant was that I'm also devoted to bringing down the first order but I like to have fun from time to time".
"Come on, dance with me". Poe asks, a devilish smile appearing on his face. "Let's have some fun".
You soon find yourself stumbling along to a latin cha cha cha dance that he's way better at, even intoxicated, than you.
You fall down laughing at one point and he scoops you up immediately. Even when you are sober you have two left feet and your dance moves are less than elegant.
The room is spinning, you feel like you're going to puke, but you're having a blast with your handsome companion.
"I think I need to sit down". You tell him, struggling to stop yourself from throwing up.
Poe helps you get safely to a nearby chair and table, once you are seated he fetches you a glass of water.
"Thank you". You reply, smiling gratefully and slowly sipping the cool water. "I know it's still a little early but I think I need to get home and sleep this off".
"That's okay, but let me walk you home". Poe tells you, helping you stand up again.
On the way back to your quarters the two of you realize that he lives much closer so it would be in your best interest to crash on his couch for the night.
Once at his place Poe gets you another glass of water, you are sobering up and no longer feel sick.
"Why are you being so nice to me?" You ask, quickly downing the refreshing beverage.
"I might not know you that well, on a personal level".
He explains, removing his boots. "But you're a brave pilot, you were there when the starkiller was destroyed, I take care of people I respect".
His words of praise shock you a little. They mean so much, especially coming from someone like him. Your face immediately turns bright red, Poe leans over, kisses you on the lips and says,
"And one of the most beautiful women I've seen".
Without another word exchanged you continue kissing, you gaze into his beautiful dark eyes and silently beg him to continue, to go beyond those delicious kisses.
Poe picks up on your silent cues and hungrily unbuttons your shirt. He manages to quickly unsnap your bra, revealing your breasts and erect nipples.
You can see an impressive looking bulge forming in his pants as he buries his face between them, you sigh in delight as you lose yourself to pleasure and take in the scent of his soft, curly hair.
Your panties are practically drenched by the time Poe starts to tenderly kiss and nibble on your neck, his hands wander between your legs and you gasp in anticipation.
He unzips your pants and helps you out of them, you are indeed soaking wet, his hand slides between your legs again and teasingly strokes you over your underwear.
You haven't trimmed in quite awhile so you have a decent bush growing. He doesn't seem to mind, though, Poe actually seems to enjoy the look and feel of it.
"Take your clothes off now". You demand, laughing a little. "I feel weird being the only naked one".
Poe obliges and strips down for you. Revealing a tan, trim and athletic body. Strong without being over the top. He's hung, and thick, with a nice patch of dark hair.
The two of you decide to move things into the bedroom. He immediately spreads your legs wide and starts to massage your clit as he inserts two fingers inside of you.
As Poe keeps his fingers inside of you he begins to suck and gently nibble on your throbbing clit, with a low whimper you cum for him, squirting in the process.
With your legs still spread Poe enters you, you easily accommodate him because you are still extremely wet.
"Oh creator you are so wet, and so tight". Poe moans as he penetrates you. "You feel amazing".
Both of you were still tipsy and had neglected to ask about birth control. Even though you weren't on anything you assumed he was.
He's a gentle lover, he teases you by sliding his entire length in, and then all the way out again.
As you are impaled on his body you squirm and cum with Poe deep inside of you. Your own orgasms trigger his own release, but you are gripped onto him too tight and he can't pull out in time.
He cums inside of you, the warm sensation is unfamiliar because you have never let anyone inside of your body unprotected.
"That felt amazing". Poe confesses as he passionately kisses you and pulls his soft cock out of your body. "I'm sorry about the mess, I really tried to pull out".
"Don't worry about it". You tell him with a nervous laugh.
He gets you a towel and helps you clean up, soon after he rolls over and falls asleep.
Well, you thought he was asleep.....
"Can I put my arm around you?" Poe whispers softly.
"Sure, go ahead". You reply, smiling a little.
The two of you fall asleep spooning, he's the little spoon with his arm wrapped around you, with his face resting on your back.
The entire experience feels very warm, intimate and tender. You're a little surprised by how soft and affectionate Poe is.
The next morning both of you wake up with horrible hangovers. Poe gets up and cooks a simple breakfast of waffles and toast, not only is he the best pilot in the resistance but he's also an excellent cook.
You are enjoying your meal despite the awkward silence that has suddenly developed between the two of you.
You've crawled back into that shell that adult beverages had liberated you from temporarily.
Despite the fact that you enjoyed yourself the previous night you still feel ashamed and somewhat dirty from the encounter.
You've never done anything like that before with anyone, let alone the leader of the squadron.
What was everyone else going to say if they found out?
"Your secret is safe with me". Poe assures you, leaning over and kissing you on the forehead. "I won't kiss and tell".
"I've just never done anything like that before". You tell him, smiling weakly. "When I'm drunk I'm a different woman".
"If you feel like I took advantage of you I'm truly sorry". Poe continues, his smile fading. "I just got carried away in the moment".
"Oh no, I wanted it to happen". You reply quickly, your weak smile coming back. "And it was magical, you were very respectful and it felt great".
With those parting words you get dressed and walk home. You bump into your friend, birthday girl Yasmela, in the hangar later that afternoon when you are doing routine maintenance on your X wing.
"Everyone saw you leave the party with Poe". Yasmela teases, a bright smile appearing on her face. "Tell me every raunchy detail".
"Poe walked me home, I passed out on my sofa, the end". You lie, your face getting slightly flushed from anger.
"Salemm saw you doing the walk of shame this morning". Yasmela continues, a mischievous glint appearing in her eyes.
"Just fucking stop it! Okay!" You snap, displaying a rare flash of anger. "Absolutely nothing happened between us! End of story".
Yasmela looks slightly taken aback by your outburst. But she soon smiles and says,
"Okaaaay, y/n, I get it, I'll be leaving now".
Your friend slinks off into the crowded, noisy hangar. You know for a fact that she doesn't believe you, and that she will do her best to find out what truly happened.
Flash forward back to six weeks after your encounter with Poe. After experiencing sore breasts, morning sickness and terrible mood swings you reluctantly take a home pregnancy test and discover that it's indeed positive.
You're terrified, and you have no idea how your secret can be kept now.
End of part 1
#poe dameron#poe dameron x reader#poe dameron smut#star wars#star wars smut#poe dameron x you#poe dameron imagine
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Hi Elle! I used to follow you on your old mega-popular tumblr. I really love your new one. :) I know that you've lived in a "super spiritual" community for several years now (not sure if you want me to publicly say the place). What is the community like? Is it more bad than good? What are some strengths and weaknesses of the place/people? Thank you! I've heard mixed things and really respect your insights.
Haha I knew I would get this question one day! If I could title my response, it would be, "Why I've Chosen to Keep My Distance from the New Age Community in the American Southwest." I info-dump and write novels, so get ready! =)
I think there is something to be said for defining things neutrally for yourself overall. Fortunately, I've been able to easily do that in this instance due to: 1. Being introverted and not "needing" a big community experience and 2. Having wonderful friends all over the globe that I am able to interact with all throughout my year. With that being said, if I am being 100% honest and real with you, I truly believe that the new age community where I am is more toxic than good. Here is why. I will have a positive note at the end.
A quick preface: I am not calling out any particular individual(s) and will not be naming names.... quite frankly, there are just too many and I'm not here to humiliate people. Secondly, these traits can take place in ANY community, spiritual or otherwise. But these are things that I feel a spiritual community should be more self-aware of... and sadly right now, they are not.
********ATTENTION: There is a big content and trigger warning here: There will be mentions of sui****, sexual *******, and gaslighting/narcissism, terfs, eating disorders, and other things that could be very upsetting. Proceed with caution and stop reading if you find yourself getting stressed, triggered, or deeply upset.*********
1. Malignant narcissism and community insulation from constructive criticism. I have never seen such a ubiquitous display of malignant narcissism in all my life in a collective, save for some conservative Christian environments in my growing up years. Go onto almost any youtube channel for the Sedona community and you will see very few negative comments… why? (And I have watched this for a long time) Almost ANY criticism of anyone’s channel or blog is instantly removed. There was a time when people who simply noted that some of these small “influencers” were saying toxic things were sent cease and desist letters. The community is very tight knit and displays many marks of a cult. One of these indicators is that they all protect each other and hype each other up on their channels and blogs, while labeling ANY criticism (healthy or not) as someone who is being “triggered.” The younger part of the community cares about looking perfect and having everyone worship them, but has very little spiritual substance. It’s always about who did the alien thing “before it was cool” or “who can do a backflip off of a steep cliff without breaking their neck because their synchronicity is on point.” One youtuber said once that she only wanted to hang out with “pretty” people because they were purer expressions of the divine. The older generation expresses narcissism by assuming they know more than everyone else. Good luck having a conversation on controversial topics with any of them. They are right, you are wrong. If you argue, you are “triggered” and “seeking for truth.” If you don't believe that there are reptilians on the moon with a secret base, you've drunk the kool-aid. Not a good environment to foster open sharing and knowledge. The men have a particular problem with this when it comes to topics of sex and intimacy. If you are a woman and don’t want to “surrender” to your partner (in a lot of vague and unclear ways), you are out of alignment with the divine feminine. Most of the men believe that they should be allowed to "hunt" (look for sexual partners/spiritual twin flames) and that women should do everything in their power to be softly feminine so that they can sync up and recognize each other's souls.
2. A full denial of science and medicine. Look, I get it. We all want to solve our own medical dilemmas and use herbs to cure all ills. I try to solve any (non life threatening) health issues I have the “natural” way first too… often, I have great success! The problem comes when the community rejects all western medicine, most science (that doesn’t affirm their beliefs) and any medical opinion that has… actually been to a real medical school. There is a strong anti-vaccination movement coupled with the belief in using yoni eggs religiously and doing colonics every week (though science tells us this isn’t a great idea overall). I used a different type of yoni egg for awhile to see what would happen, but trust me, your pelvic health is going to be better without them. You will be judged harshly for going to a “mainstream” doctor to get antibiotics for a serious infection and will most likely be gaslit into oblivion regarding “what you did to attract” your infection etc.
I have midwifed for many years now and have extensive “mainstream” training to be able to do this legally. Once, I was working with another midwife on a mother who was having her first baby. The laboring woman had an ideal birth in mind like most people do. Long story short, I discerned while she was laboring that the baby was in intense distress and that the mother was displaying very concerning signs of a life-threatening condition. When I insisted on calling an ambulance and getting the woman to the hospital, the other midwife said that I was interfering with nature. I explained simply that if we didn’t get said woman to a hospital, the baby would most certainly die and the mother’s life would hang in the balance. Her response was that: “Some babies don’t deserve to live and I shouldn’t invite karma by interfering with nature’s course.” I called an ambulance anyway and the mother was taken for an emergency c-section. The mother was very disappointed about not being able to follow her birth plan. However, after the birth (she and baby ended up being okay thank goodness) she sat down with me personally and thanked me for making the decision I did. She said that one of the doctors explained that if I had waited another hour, both she and the baby would be dead. Apparently, this other “midwife” had also had her license revoked a year before for endangering a different laboring person and child. This sounds like a stand-alone freak incident, but I can cite 15-20 other situations just like this one where life-threatening emergencies were viewed as opportunities for good karma and growth… and that western medical intervention would invite bad karma.
Regarding science, if you point to the fact that jade yoni eggs are likely to cause an infection, most of the new age community will scoff and say that they don’t trust science (the logic being that science once explained volcanos as angry gods or something and now cannot be trusted overall). If you don't wear blue-blocking glasses anytime you look at a screen, apparently you've already succumbed to mind control. You get my point… It’s so bad that the new age community is willing to endanger people’s lives and place the blame on the victims for being out of alignment with synchronicity. This one bullet point could be talked about for hours.
3. A lack of discernment and victim blaming. Many have heard about Bentinho Massaro and his crew from that time when they swept through Sedona a couple years ago. The core of the Sedona community started blindly following him… some of them wanted to boost their online platforms by being associated with a well-known figure. Others wanted a guru… and others were just curious and got sucked in by his charisma. All one had to do was google him. He has allegations of physically beating his followers, gaslighting people, torturing animals in his childhood, and ignoring the fact that an alarming number of his followers commit suicide. With all of this knowledge at our fingertips, the popular new age “influencers” went so far as to get in polyamorous relationships with him, validate his platform, and gaslight people who, sadly, committed sui**** because of certain things he said in his teachings. It was insane. Now, many of the people who followed him try to pretend it never happened or that they had no part in it. Many of them claim to have “gifts of the spirit” and to have stellar discernment.
One of the people who got into a polyamorous relationship with this person did an Instagram post where she basically said that if someone is being r*ped they should show their attacker love and surrender to what is happening so that they could experience unconditional love and come back to the "light." I honestly couldn’t believe what I was reading at first when I saw it. The part that was heartbreaking was when I read the comments and watched people (not just women and men) berate themselves for “fighting” while something terrible happened to them in the past. A few of them were teenagers. I made it a point to personally message the ones I was able to, and thankfully, a good number did respond positively. This exact issue has occurred on youtube channels, blogs, and in-person encounters. I’m just citing ONE online instance of this horrible, misaligned belief. Keep in mind that the person who did this post abandoned her disabled child with a family she barely knew to pursue a sexual relationship with Bentinho.
4. TERFS/anti-LGBTQ/anti-feminism. This falls under the categories of relationships, sex, autonomy, and social issues, but expands into much more overall.
A chain of videos came out a couple years ago where about 5 women in the new age community each did a presentation on what was wrong with the “divine feminine” these days. They were saying that women had been erased because they were not conforming to gender roles or seeking out conscious relationships. They all referenced that “women are angry” and basically said it was wrong for women to feel this way and that angry female energy was throwing our whole environment out of balance and even contributing to global warming somehow. They empathized with toxic people/men/known violent incels and said that women needed to get over their traumas and be more available for the divine masculine to show up. They dehumanized women by saying they shouldn’t be expressing anger, glossed over sexual a******, and blocked everyone in the comments who took a stand against what they were saying. The general consensus is that feminists are just angry women who need to get over their trauma.
Many people in the new age community also believe that if you incarnate in a particular body with certain biological parts, you incarnated that way for a reason. Changing it extensively is to erase “the spiritual lessons you were supposed to learn.” Basically, they stand against trans people, nonbinary people, gender nonconforming people… etc. I can go deeper with this if you want, but that is the gist of it without writing a novel within a novel.
Most of them take an active stance against intersectional feminism and use exclusive language to shut out anyone who doesn’t conform to the binary. A few of them are more passive-aggressive about how they do this: refusing to show any support for the LGBTQUIA+ community or mention social issues at all, even when someone is pointing out that they did something hurtful or offensive.
5. Appropriating Indigenous cultures and using past lives as an excuse. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard a white new age person say that something is their “spirit animal” or seen one wear Native American/indigenous headdresses to tight-knit community events, citing that they were “Native American” in their past life and that they are entitled to use these symbols, items, and cultural lexicons because of it. (Not that this is the main point… but they tell trans people that they shouldn’t be trans or insinuate that people should conform to the gender binary because they incarnated in a body type for a reason… but make an exception for themselves culturally? Super hypocritical.)
A couple of “woke” guys from the new age community walked around for awhile saying that the Hopi had adopted them into their “tribe” and that the were given Hopi names. I spoke to a few Hopi people about what was happening and they were shell-shocked. That is not something that they do for one thing, and for another, they had never even heard of these people! Thankfully, the behavior stopped after the two men were confronted about it, but this kind of thing happens all the time in various ways. There is a new age store here with a racial slur in the title… bring it up to the owner and she’ll kick you out and launch a smear campaign. Tell one of the white new age women that just because she studies “different traditions” doesn’t mean it’s okay to do rain dances or perform indigenous rituals (Native American, Australian, and others) without permission and they’ll blacklist you. I think many of the new agers operate within this Trojan horse of “I want to accept and validate all cultures”, but do not actually care at all about indigenous voices, feelings, or opinions. Many of them talked a lot about collective trauma in our nation during Black Lives Matter, but wouldn’t actively support it in any way themselves.
6. Let’s talk about mental health. This could go under the science and medicine label, but I think it deserves its own paragraph. Boy is mental health stigmatized in the new age Sedona community…. Real mental health professionals are painted as people who just want to “drug” you and keep you controlled. People with mental health struggles are instantly blamed. “Hell is just a state of mind, you need to change your mind,” is a phrase I have heard more often than not. Ancestral healing, umbilical healing, and random reiki sessions are somehow supposed to take the place of a licensed counselor.
A huge chunk of the “spiritual” community supported a pseudo-therapist who (without any scientific basis) was preaching that any woman who wasn’t sure if she wanted to have children or not by the age of 25 was toxic and needed to be ostracized because “something is wrong there.” A bunch of people believed it and re-posted/shared the teaching.
Another instance occurred where an unlicensed “hypnotherapist” without so much as a bachelor’s degree in anything was using questionable methods to hypnotize clients. During one session a person experienced a severe PTSD flashback and panic attack. She was not brought out of the hypnotherapy session properly or cared for. She ended up having a mental breakdown and having to spend time in the hospital. The charlatan who was treating her said that the client was willfully unresponsive to treatment and refused to confront her demons…
Anyone who is on anxiety medication, anti-depressants or anything else to support their well-being and mental health will be judged aggressively and most likely verbally confronted at some point if they are open about being on medication. The charlatans will throw essential oils into your space saying that they can cure anything. Others will try to get someone to talk to a new age leader in the “inner circle” and attempt to persuade the client that western therapists/psychologists just want to drug people and ignore the spiritual cause of unrest. They’ll cite earthing, crystals, vaginal wands, special teas, dietary habits, and color therapy as causes and answers to everything…. All while regarding victims of sui**** as unfortunate souls and lost causes etc.
7. A summary. I need to sum up other issues here quite quickly or I’ll be typing all day. XD Many of the women here are terrified of gaining weight or looking older. They hide behind the thinning veil of “health and veganism” to justify their worrisome habits to feel sexually appealing to supposedly “woke” men. Disordered eating and terror of eating one granule of processed sugar permeates the consciousness. You can be judged for anything from buying pokemon cards to eating legumes…. of all things. Most of the men are sexual predators who prey on younger women, rely on narcissism as a personality type, and don’t let anyone get a word in edgewise when their opinions are challenged. Many of the women validate these behaviors and blame themselves when they get hurt citing “spiritual growth” as a silver lining to cure all traumas. I would say that 95%+ of the people in the community present a perfect picture of themselves online while having crumbling relationships and failing inner lives. You might see a post or video about “conscious uncoupling” of a spiritual "power couple" and then find out later that someone was in a relationship with a narcissistic predator or was experiencing physical abuse. Sadly, many of the victims gaslight themselves in the uncoupling announcement. Many people here are predators in other ways… they might launch a health business that uses essential oils to replace therapy. There are con artists all over the place who can range from simply overpricing their wares in alarming ways to trying to entrap people in ��business contracts” that devastate their lives. I have had personal UFO experiences here and do personally think that extraterrestrial life exists, but I would NEVER try to manufacture a fake experience… One of the UFO tour guides was having people hide out in the desert and flash lights into the sky while people on the tour wore special glasses. Then she was charging an arm and a leg to channel “spiritual messages” from the e.t.s for her clients and saying that if they didn’t receive the message, something bad would happen to them. This is the fluffiest and lightest post I could possibly do to communicate how bad it is in the “spiritual community” here. This is only the tip of the iceberg.
The good news? Sedona is so much more than a toxic new age community. It is GORGEOUS and it does have many good, healthy/normal people here. =) I have had such a beautiful experience in this place and can’t say enough good things about it. I have easy access to healthy foods, endless nature to explore and bask in, and a growing community of people who call the new age community out on its toxicity. I read what I want, play Animal Crossing without blue-blocker glasses, regularly enjoy going to listen to goth music at my preferred venue (I’ve been demonized for this lol), and eat what makes me feel good. My partner and I have had a beautiful and successful relationship for nearly a decade now and create amazing memories every day. We have good friends all around the world… and I have a solid, BIG group of academic colleagues/friends locally who DO ethically cite their sources and contribute positively to science and higher learning. If you’re into paleontology like me, you are in fossil heaven! =D If you love astronomy or astrophysics, we’re in a dark sky city! There are so many cool things to do from playing in LOTR-worthy waterfalls, to sampling delicious vegan creations, to playing DnD on red rocks with your friends while a *real* UFO passes by overhead. Get yourself a smoothie and organic wrap from one of our incredible food trucks and drive out into the desert while listening to Nightvale with your love or your friends. =)
If you ever want a list of must-do’s while visiting, let me know. I’ve got your back! The point is that I just harped on the negative above, but the good news is that you can completely avoid all of the junk. Keep it or scrap it when it comes to the Sedona new age community? I say scrap it. But you can still pursue your spiritual interests in healthy ways here while enjoying all the yummy creature comforts that the Verde Valley has to offer. I hope this helps and if just one person comes here and has a safe experience because of my thoughts, then every moment I’ve spent writing this was worth it. =) <3
#new age#toxic community#sedona#cults cw#trigger warning#red rocks#narcissismawareness#mental health#cult leader
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hey, i need some advice. a few months ago, i made a friend online. we sped through the stages of friendship in a few days, but i had an underlying anxious feeling the whole time. looking back, it was probably because he was very clingy (i felt like i had to be there for him 24/7) and rude to me. he would call me dumb or stupid as a joke, but they still hurt my feelings, and he made sexual comments about me that made me really uncomfortable. i wanted to ask him to stop, but i didn't have any other friends in my life and i was scared of losing him, even though i was somewhat aware that he wasn't good for me.
r eally soon after we started talking, he told me he liked me romantically. i did not feel the same way, but i was so scared of making him upset i had that i lied to him and convinced myself i did. i felt constantly sick after that, and soon i told him that i was wrong and i didn't feel the same way. he was understandably upset, it made talking to him even more uncomfortable for me.
i was still feeling really anxious all the time as a result of talking to him, and i told him that i was going to stop being so active online to focus on other things, as i had been neglecting nearly everything in my life to be there for him. he was upset about that too and would send messages like "i miss you" and "i wish we could talk more" that made me feel guilty when i was doing anything other than talking to him. i told him that, but he didn't stop.
i wished i had never become his friend and wanted to cut him off completely. i wasn't sleeping much and was feeling horrible this whole time, and really wanted to just disappear and be forgotten. eventually, i decided to just do it, and i blocked him and deleted any accounts that he could contact me on and haven't heard from him since.
i had hoped that i could just forget about it and move on, i feel like i'm overreacting when i have panic attacks over this. i feel like i was the problem, and like i was making a big deal out of nothing because he was well-intentioned. i hate the idea that he knows i exist and might mention me to other people. i overshared a lot while we were still talking and he knows way more about me than i'm comfortable with, and i'm paranoid he might share that information with people, even if i'd never find out about it and he couldn't effectively link it to me as he only knows my first name. we also video called a few times, and the idea that he could have pictures of my face really upsets me.
i feel like i shouldn't care, but i worry that i made him sad, and that by disappearing i impacted his mental health. i'm not sure if i made the right decision. talking to him wasn't good for me, i know that, but he wasn't mean all the time. we had fun together at some points, but i think overall it was a negative experience for me, but a positive one for him, as i was so desperate for approval that i would basically do anything he wanted and completely formed my schedule around him.
i'm really caught up in what i feel like i should have done. i think the right thing to do would have been to tell him some of these things before disappearing, but i wasn't really thinking sensibly at the time and instead panicked and disappeared. i've seen a lot of posts about how ghosting someone is terrible and never the right thing to do, which just makes me feel even worse.
i don't have anyone to talk to about this, my parents have specifically told me to never make friends online and i don't have any close friends in real life. even if i did have someone to talk to, i'd be embarrassed about it because i got myself into this situation in the first place and handled it horribly, and it's a dumb thing to be so worked up about.
in general, i don't know how to handle my feelings about the situation and feel better again. i know i can't live life constantly upset about something that happened several months ago, with someone who lives thousands of miles away who i'll hopefully never hear from again, but i don't know how to stop.
i feel so anxious that i am in a lot of physical pain and feel really nauseous. i can't sleep, and am exhausted to the point that i can't do anything. i've tried everything i know, regulated breathing, grounding exercises, distracting myself with things i like, etc but nothing has worked. i made a lot of bad decisions and i don't know how to move on from them.
Hey lovely,
Making friends online can be wonderful, but I’ve also had the experience that it can become quite dependent and therefore not healthy anymore. As with any other friendship, online friendships can go both ways!
It sounds like your friendship turned unhealthy. Having to be there for someone 24/7 isn’t healthy and isn’t good for the friendship, or for you! And jokes like that are only hurtful and not funny whatsoever. I’m sorry that you didn’t feel like you could stand up for yourself at that time. You definitely deserved to have stood up, but I really do understand why you didn’t feel like you could.
I think it’s really good that you eventually told him you weren’t romantically interested in him. It might have upset him, but it had to come out eventually and the sooner the better. It wasn’t fair on either of you to have kept things going. So well done!
I also think it’s really good that you tried to set a boundary by telling him that you wouldn’t be online as much anymore. That’s honestly a great step. He should have respected that boundary and shouldn’t have made you feel bad about it.
And I think you made a good call in blocking him and deleting those accounts. Like I said, your friendship sounds like it wasn’t healthy and setting boundaries hadn’t helped before, so this was a good next step to take.
I don’t think you’re overreacting at all! This was a difficult time for you and it’s bound to have its effects on you. But please take it from me: you weren’t the problem! From what you’ve outlined, he was very clingy and dependent and that can take its toll on a friendship.
Unfortunately you can’t change him knowing you and knowing information about you. I think that’s something that will take some time getting used to, but I believe you can get there! Since it is affecting you a lot, I do think it would be helpful to speak to a counsellor or other mental health professional about.
You are not responsible for his mental health. Maybe it upset him, you don’t know that. But in the end, you are your first priority. Staying in this friendship would have hurt you, and that is not okay and should be prevented! You need to take care of yourself first and foremost.
Did you find it helpful to type this out and write to us? I can imagine that it might have felt like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Maybe you could try something like this more often? It doesn’t have to be an ask to us, but can also be a journal entry, or something you write down and then tear up or burn. Whatever feels best for you!
I hope this helped. Let us know if there’s anything else we can be of help with.
Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.
Love Pauline
#mental health#advice#advice blog#friendship#online friend#dependency#blocking#ghosting#cutting off contact#mhapauline
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Hm, I think something went wrong with the message I sent you. So sorry! I'm trying again. It seems so frivolous to ask you a question but I'm in dire need of escapism after already one week of lockdown in Germany. I hope you are ok! I've only discovered your Drarry fics beginning of this month, love them! And "Another mask behind you is really lingering. I can't seem to get over it. Brilliant!
I’m sorry it took me so long to reply to you! I know lockdown is over in Germany, but I hope you made it through okay, and thank you so much for this ask.
Since the ask is very long and my answer even longer, I have placed the remaining portions of the ask and the response under this cut. The discussion is about Another Mask Behind You, which is a Harry/Draco I wrote that involves Draco being a sex worker. It also has elements of both non-con and dub-con. If any of these topics disturb you in fiction, please take heed if you check out the fic or read the reply. I do not think this ask or answer will make sense unless you have read the fic, which I can’t really say that I recommend, though there are parts of it I like.
The way you brilliantly use searing, toe-curling sex-scenes to draw me in, but because the drivers behind the intense need for both characters are not sexual, it’s never enough, NEVER ENOUGH, and I keep getting more and more frantic as the fic progresses, just like Draco. Well done :-)The way you disregard expected tropes and make the journey so much more complicated, so much more nuanced ….. well, so much more painful – it’s just incredibly rewarding. So painful, but so rewarding. (2/7)
The brilliant way you use the unreliable narrator, always delusionally speaking through his survival-shell of shame defense, his biased perception of reality in general and Potter specifically, but especially himself. And this confrontation-scene when he finally implodes into his shame – my god, do you really want to break my heart? Seriously? (3/7)
Then the way you capture the obviously intergenerationally transmitted Malfoy-steel-spine, the “holding on to the last thread of myself in impossible circumstances” - the emotions that invokes I can’t even put into words. There is so much more I want to say, but this format is too restricted. I postest a long comment on Archiveof OurOwns. I'm getting to my question :-) (4/7)
Another thing I adore about your writing is that you write powerful endings. This fic and “Away with childish things” are so, so psychologically satisfying but with quite a bit of narrative tension unresolved - so that I’m forced to spend joyful days with filling in the gaps.However, with one gap of this fic I’m really struggling and I would love to hear your take. (5/7)
I get the struggle with the betrayal and all, but as Draco so accurately puts it “So many unfamiliar expressions had he made in the last two times Draco had seen him, that Draco was no longer sure he’d ever really known him – as though in some sense, Potter had been playing a part as much as Draco had.”I don’t see any awareness develop in Harry regarding his obvious control-compulsion, the covert objectification hidden behind feelings of “love”, that made Tristan a “safe” partner. (6/7)
It will be so bitterly precarious for Harry (not so much Draco) to ever share this side of him within a power-balanced relationship, so risky and hazardous. Will he ever be able to work himself up there? It could be potentially so incredibly cathartic but I’m not so sure. Harry would need extensive aftercare, I guess. Would love to hear your head canon and thoughts? Do you have a story in your head how things would develop between these two? Thank you so much for your art! (7/7)
For those who are interested, I replied to the full comment on AO3. I’ve reproduced most of my answer below for those who are interested:
I'm glad you enjoy the unreliable narrator, and I’m very touched you like my stories.
Regarding my endings--thank you for your kind words, but I have to say most of my H/D fics do not end the way I plan. Most of them were written in a big rush to meet a fest deadline, including this one. I was not at all satisfied with the end of this fic, but I realized that to get satisfaction from it, I would either need to rewrite the fic or write a whole sequel, because the story of Harry and Draco working toward a healthy relationship is not this fic. This fic is about getting them to a point where they might even want to work on a healthy relationship, and so by the time I got finished there was just not room to write the other things I wanted and I didn’t have time to fix it because of the deadline.
I think Harry could get to the point where he would bottom for Draco. I also think he could get to the point where there is a balance of power in their relationship. I think it would take much longer for him to get to the point where he would say that the reason he was comfortable with Tristan was because he held all the power. I honestly believe that that understanding would not come intuitively for him, that he would either need therapy or many many years to get there, possibly both.
I'm guessing you saw this, as you quoted the part about his unfamiliar expressions, but part of the point is supposed to be that Harry is lying to himself just as much as Draco, just in different ways. The way Harry sees things is: Tristan as an essentially good person with many great qualities. Tristan's snobbery and selfishness and arrogance and entitlement and pettiness seem to be his flaws, but because Harry sees Tristan as good, Harry can accept these flaws. This leads Harry to not take the flaws very seriously--he feels they are surface attributes of someone who is deep down good. He even finds these flaws charming. When Harry finds out Draco is Tristan, because Harry believes Draco is not a good person, he takes the flaws seriously. He no longer sees them as surface attributes and takes them as evidence of Draco's deep down horrible character.
I think that because Harry still wants Draco so viscerally even after everything, and because Harry can still see all the ways that Draco is Tristan despite Draco's betrayal, Harry begins to understand that this is a very simplistic view of people and the world. Just because we're on the side that is against the side of the genocidal bigots does not make us fundamentally good, and being fundamentally good does not make our flaws light and fluffy and charming. And just because we're on the side of the genocidal bigots does not mean that nothing can be good in us, that everything you found good and lovely in us was a complete lie. Eventually, Harry learns that Draco is a whole person, neither good nor bad in essence, just really someone who has done lots of horrible things, but has the capacity to grow beyond that. And as Draco does grow beyond that, Harry begins to love him as a whole person, rather than a black and white one.
This is the story that Harry sees and thinks that he experiences as he learns to love Draco.
However, I do believe there's another story under that, and that story is possibly one that Harry never understands.This story is about power, as you mention, but it's also about the depth of Harry's delusion. The main premise that drives this under-story is why Harry was so willing to believe Tristan was, in essence, good. Why was he so willing to see Tristan's faults as charming, when some of Tristan's snootier comments actually suggest some underlying pure-blood bigotry?
The answer is that Harry wanted to believe that. He wanted a person who wasn't real, and Tristan having flaws just made Tristan feel more real, even though he wasn't. And why does Harry want a fake? Because Harry doesn't want to be real either. He doesn't want to really share himself, or give pieces of himself he doesn't want to; he doesn't want to stop being a hero or spend time that may make himself face himself and who he is. In this fic, Harry is someone who does not know how to love except to perform acts of service, which I find believable because so much of his friendships were built on saving each other and working together to save others. He does not know how to relax, which I also find believable given all the abuse and hardship. This leads to repression and difficulty seeing to his own needs, which in this fic leads to him becoming quite controlling. In this fic he wants to relax; he wants to stop and take time with himself and those he loves, but he has become so pent-up that he doesn't know how to relax without being forced to do it.
However, being forced to relax is a loss of control, and the Harry of this fic is too messed up to find a way to do it straightforwardly. Thus, for him, hiring a sex worker means he is in control of the situation on one level, but can let go of control on another level. The fact that he wants to bottom right away with Tristan but took a long time with Weatherby (his ex in this fic) is further evidence of the fact that Harry is really only okay with ceding this control because he has a different kind of control over what is happening. It's the same, actually, with Tristan demanding that Harry not work so much and spend time with him. Harry wouldn't like it if a non-sex-worker-boyfriend were asking the same thing, because he wouldn't feel that he ultimately had control of the situation.
So, again, no, I do not think Harry would admit any of this or understand it about himself without a lot of work and time.
However, I'm just not sure he has to for Draco and him to have a happy, healthy relationship.
I think the story Harry tells himself--that he saw Tristan as good, Draco as bad, and that this is ultimately too simplistic--is actually enough for Harry to begin to let go of some of this control. Harry would have to realize, with this understanding that people are not black and white, that he wanted to spoil Tristan not just because Tristan was morally good, but because he likes to spoil people. Harry would have to realize that he enjoyed Tristan being selfish and demanding not just because Tristan was morally pristine, but because Harry actually gets hot for that kind of behavior. Harry would have to realize he enjoyed Tristan topping the fuck out of him not just because Tristan was morally flawless, but because Harry just really likes to get fucked and fucked hard. With Draco, Harry wants the happiness he had with Tristan. To get it, Harry has to allow some of the behavior that happened with Tristan, without that extra veneer of control Harry once had because Tristan was a sexworker that Harry was paying.
Draco would learn from this too--that he can still be himself, that he can still be demanding, that he can still fuck Harry. And with that would come more self-acceptance for Draco and more confidence, which would actually help him grow to become more like Tristan was. And that would make Harry more accepting as well. I think eventually they could have something that approximates a lot of the love and comfort and domesticity they felt during the month Harry contracted Draco, but it would be without lies, and without control, and without attempts to manipulate each other.
I think for that, Harry would not need to know that the reason it worked for him was because he had all the power.
I do feel like Draco probably understands it very well. I could see a long time after they finally become quite comfortable with each other, them lying in bed after fucking, Draco finally saying, "You do know you were only okay with me doing that to you at first because you were paying me." And Harry would say, "No, it's because you lied to me and had a different face." And Draco would say, "Mm-hm," and trace the circle on Harry's chest, and then eventually say, "It's also because you were paying me. You wouldn't have let anyone else do those things I did." And Harry would say, "I don't think you understand how attracted I was to you." And Draco would say, "Mm-hm," and trace some more. "But it was also because you were paying me," Draco would say finally. "You knew you were in control." And then I think Harry would finally think about it, but it would be so long ago, that finally he could say something like, "Yeah. I don't know. I guess you're right." "I'm always right," Draco would say, and Harry would find this charming too.
I hope I answered this very interesting question to your satisfaction, and sorry again for the wait!
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Why do you like Lore Olympus? I'm genuinely curious because I've seen a lot of harsh criticisms toward the comic, from its inaccuracies regarding its use of Greek Mythology to the plethora of harmful queer stereotypes. I tried reading it myself but honestly, if you took out all the Greek Mythology references and naming, it just seems like another "far older man courts a barely adult woman" love story with bad queer rep thrown it.
Happy to explain! Let’s tackle what’s perhaps the most complicated aspect first.
As a former Classics major I can tell you that there is no “Greek Mythology.” Meaning, there is no singular Greek Mythology that can be referenced and consulted in any uniform way. Which is a really difficult thing to conceptualize in an age of print publications and careful record keeping. Unsure about whether Harry ever cursed Draco with such-and-such hex? Re-read the Harry Potter books to find out. Want to claim that Sherlock was horrible to Watson and frequently insulted him? We can comb through Doyle’s shorts stories and novels, tally every insult, and find out. These are canons and, as messy as the term “canonical” has become with more adaptations and transmedia storytelling, most characters have a set, fixed existence that we can return to and use as evidence. Not so with Greek Mythology. Born of oral storytelling, there are a hundred different versions of every myth, some changes more stark than others. Some of those versions were written down. Then written down again (differently). Then written down again (differently still). Then we realized they were almost all being written down by men and huh, I wonder if that has any impact on how they framed the story (spoiler: it absolutely does). And all of this doesn’t even take into account the issue of translation. Regardless of what Ovid may have put down on the page, you’re going to get a different experience depending on whether you read Melville or Gregory. There’s a reason why everyone was so excited over Emily Wilson being the first woman to translate The Odyssey into English. Her perspective and her experience as a woman by default changes the way she approaches the text. Even something as simple as a single description can have a HUGE impact depending on how it is translated. Take this excerpt from a NYT article:
“The prefix poly,” Wilson said, laughing, “means ‘many’ or ‘multiple.’ Tropos means ‘turn.’ ‘Many’ or ‘multiple’ could suggest that he [Odysseus] is much turned, as if he is the one who has been put in the situation of having been to Troy, and back, and all around, gods and goddesses and monsters turning him off the straight course that, ideally, he’d like to be on. Or, it could be that he’s this untrustworthy kind of guy who is always going to get out of any situation by turning it to his advantage. It could be that he’s the turner.”
Is Odysseus a poor victim turned around by monsters and fate, or is he a schemer capable of turning it all to his advantage? It all depends on how it’s translated and whoever wants to make a case for Odysseus being a “good” or “bad” guy can point to this translation as evidence… or another. Or another. There are just too many versions for anyone to definitely say what these gods and others are “really” like.
I put so much emphasis on this because the biggest criticism I’ve seen leveled against the comic is the characterization of Apollo. He would never rape Persephone! How dare you twist his character like that! Except Apollo isn’t a character that exists in a fixed canon. He belongs to an overwhelming corpus of complicated, contrary, contrasting myths… and yes, in some of those he raped. Arguably. It, again, comes down to translation and interpretation. Take this excerpt from Nancy Rabinowitz’s paper “Greek Tragedy: A Rape Culture?”
Creusa, raped by Apollo years ago, conceived a child and abandoned him… For the purposes of this paper, I have to address the question of whether Creusa was in fact raped by the god. Hermes mixes the terminology in the prologue; he asserts that the god Apollo “yoked the daughter of Erechtheus in marriage (γάμοις)”, but he also says “by force (βίᾳ)” (10-11). Ion later (1524-25; cf. 341, 325) wonders whether Creusa was really raped, or whether she was just alleging that the god took her by violence to cover up an indiscretion of her own – a similar situation could be imagined in our own day, where false allegations may arise from young girls’ fear of confessing consensual relations to their parents. Lefkowitz argues that women tend to cooperate in their seduction by a god. While it might seem obvious that Ion is simply wrong, there is the further implication that though Apollo raped Creusa, she also desired him” (11-12).
So if we’re looking for evidence that Smythe’s interpretation of Apollo is the “correct” one, it exists… depending on what you read and how you choose to interpret it: whether a mortal woman can ever truly give consent due to the power difference between her and a god, whether it was safe to say no, whether she might have lied to protect herself, whether it was something a part of her desired but perhaps didn’t entirely want, etc. It’s that last bit in particular—those difficult questions—that Smythe explores in her comic. Persephone wants to explore her sexuality. She wants a way out of her virgin obligations. But she’s also pressured into sex by Apollo. He doesn’t stop when she expresses discomfort. She doesn’t feel safe asserting herself and telling him to stop. It’s rape, but it’s a far more complicated situation than the rape scenario of “Evil man forces himself on woman in the back of an alleyway” and Smythe treats the tragedy with nuance and respect, even in a comic filled with so much humor.
The people I see most upset about Lore Olympus are those who talk about the gods and their associated mortals as if they’re characters out of a book. They read one version once—or maybe two—and, as is natural in the 21st century, decided that This Is How The Story Goes. Even though every academic would be losing their mind over such definitive statements as, “Such-and-Such would never do this.” That’s simply not how records this ancient, sporadic, political, and downright messy work. So as someone with some knowledge of how Greek Mythology functions, I’m not at all put off by the comics’ “inaccuracies.” Because they’re simply not inaccuracies, just interpretations. Not liking those interpretations is fine, but that doesn’t mean Smythe was wrong for providing them.
As for the rest, I’ll try to limit myself to bullet points:
The age difference between Persephone and Hades is definitely A Thing and I admittedly didn’t realize that was the case when I started reading. I assumed that Persephone, like most of the cast, was hundreds/thousands of years old and just had a child-like personality. I basically realized around the time Hades did that she’s so young. That being said, the issue of age differences changes for me once you reach such insane ages. That’s why I still ship Ozqrow: Ozpin is hundreds of years older than him but at that point he’s going to be older than everyone. Always. Limiting his ships to only those who are close to Ozpin’s age means you can’t ship him at all (unless you ship him with Salem post-grimm pool and… no). It’s a similar situation with Hades. Yes, there are plenty of gods his age that he could date (and indeed he does) but he is always going to be thousands of years older than Persephone. She can literally never catch up to him, so if someone has an issue with the age gap then they have to accept that it will simply never go away. They can never be a couple in which case yeah, then the comic just isn’t your thing.
Really, I think the bigger issue is not the gap itself but Persephone’s age, period. Again though, I appreciate that Smythe treats the situation with a great deal of respect. This isn’t a story of a much older man hunting a younger woman. It’s the story of a much older god who, like me the reader, assumed he had fallen for a slightly younger goddess… and then freaked out when he found out he was wrong. He’s called out for his ignorance. Others are incredibly protective of Persephone. They both try to stay away from one another and find themselves struggling. Which, to be frank, is an interesting dilemma to me. And it’s one I’m more interested in with gods as characters as opposed to humans. Because it feels less predatory to me. A man going after a much younger woman is threatening in part because we’re mortals who have so much to lose, including our youth. If you enter an abusive relationship that alone is horrible enough, but it also means you’ve lost all those years and all that experience to toxicity. When a god goes after a much younger goddess… they’re kind of static. They have eternity stretching out before them. Persephone potentially “losing” ten years to a relationship with Hades just isn’t the same thing as a mortal losing ten years to a relationship of their own. Gods, though they seem quite human, simply aren’t and thus for me questions of morality and what’s ethical in any given situation changes. We have a cast who, when Eros gets upset and murders a whole bunch of humans, Zeus shrugs and says they’ll just make more. Their concept of right and wrong differs from ours and it invites the reader to apply that to every situation: is it as wrong for an older god to go after a 19yo goddess as it would be for an older man to go after a 19yo woman? Many readers may decide it is—to some extent the text decides it is—but the story still possesses ambiguity and invites the reader to grapple with it. That’s compelling.
Connected to this, I like how much agency Persephone has throughout the series. She’s very much a character who defies expectations, particularly when it comes to her sexuality. Far from being a meek, vulnerable woman who is preyed on by Hades, she is making constant, active decisions about her own romantic and sexual encounters. Even if that decision is just acknowledging how unsure she still is: does she want to remain a virgin? Does she want Apollo? Does she want Hades? Is it okay to make out with Ares? Wear this very short dress? Get drunk? Explore a city? Invite this person over? Have feelings for your boss? Persephone is grappling with a lot of questions that don’t have easy answers and the fact that the story gives her the room to do that grappling is fantastic. I’ve spoken before about my dislike of the Strong Female Character—someone who is not just physically intimidating but who also never, EVER hesitates. She knows precisely what she wants and she’s going to take it! Which is a great portrayal of one kind of woman… but I’m not that kind. I hem and haw and am anxious like Persephone. So for me it’s refreshing to see a story that paints uncertainty as strength. She’s allowed the space to be unsure and confused and is never belittled for that.
Honestly I’m not sure what the issue with the queer rep is? Beyond the fact that Lore Olympus doesn’t seem to have any (unless I’m forgetting some. Very possible). Which, admittedly, is far from great, but if I dismissed every story due solely to a lack of queer characters I would limit a lot of my potential media. So for me, personally, that’s not a deal breaker. Taking a stab in the dark, I’ll make an assumption that people are upset about certain characterizations like Eros? Which, fair. But we also have the flip side that effeminate, flamboyant men do exist. It’s another complicated, touchy subject, but there’s a fine line between enforcing stereotypes and acknowledging that those stereotypes often do arise out of something. Some people hate the media image of the queer kid decked out in rainbows. Other people look at their own wardrobe and backpack and go, “Actually… yeah. That can be accurate.” For me stereotypes are primarily an issue given their prevalence. It’s an issue when that’s the only way queer characters are portrayed, but Lore Olympus doesn’t have that problem because, again, it’s focused on het relationships. Eros might potentially be a (non-confirmed?) queer stereotype… or he’s a battle-hardened warrior who also likes to gush about gossip while baking, the sort of complex gender portrayal that people claim to want. It depend on how you approach it. So no, Lore Olympus isn’t breaking any ground with queer rep but, as said, I do appreciate how it treats sexual assault—among other sensitive, relevant issues. It’s a trade-off. No piece of media is going to be perfect. I could say the same thing about so many great stories. The Mandalorian doesn’t have any queer rep! No, it doesn’t, but it is giving us a fantastic story about a bounty-hunter turned dad that challenges a number of Western gender assumptions so… trade-off.
I likewise enjoy that characters call one another out on shitty, toxic behavior without completely losing who those characters are. (Again, supposedly who they are based on the lecture I gave at the start lol). Meaning, it would be kind of weird if Zeus wasn’t a womanizer. That’s what we expect of him, so changing that would likewise change one of the most fundamental aspects of what makes Zeus-Zeus in the general public’s perception of him. But we still have scenes of Hera and others calling him out on that shit, so it’s a balance between modern sensibilities and character expectations.
The characters overall are just wonderfully complex. Persephone doesn’t seem so at first glance, but that’s partly the point: she’s nothing like what everyone assumes she is and it’s those assumptions that she’s learning to push back against. But overall Smythe has a real knack for emphasizing the human (or god) complexity. We hate Eros for helping Aphrodite punish Persephone. Then we feel bad for him because of his sob story. Then we pull back because he’s called out for being a dick and making himself look like the victim. Then we come to the realization that his side of the story was still accurate in many ways and finally end on… he’s flawed. He’s just a flawed person. He’s not a saint. He’s not the devil. He’s a guy who screwed up one moment and did something good the next. Perhaps it’s just me coming out of the nonsense that was Volume 7 of RWBY, but it’s refreshing to read a story where that complexity is emphasized and (most) flaws are forgiven while still being acknowledged.
Overall I just find it to be a fun, entertaining story! lol. The artwork is beautiful. The humor is great. There’s a nice balance between plot and introspection. There are issues with the series, sure, but none thus far have kept me from enjoying the experience of reading it. I fully support anyone’s right to go, “Nope. Not for me.” For any reason. But I also feel like Lore Olympus is a good example of Tumblr’s recent emphasis on pure media: it must be PERFECT. Otherwise chuck it in the bin. Lore Olympus does a lot of the things that people on this site call for. Respectful depictions of assault. Emphasis on mental health. Storytelling from a woman’s perspective. Numerous types of woman characters. Being careful about who engages with sensitive material and how (each chapter that contains such issues has a trigger warning at the start, impossible to miss). Lore Olympus does a lot right… and some things wrong. Which is what we would expect of any good story. So it feels disingenuous of me—if not outright dangerous—to paint it as worse than I actually think it is. I want media to continue to improve, but I also don’t want to scare off authors from even trying because they were raked across the coals for not creating perfection. Smythe, to my mind, is definitely trying and that should be acknowledged.
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