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staystreetly · 5 years

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Chris Evans Imagine #5 If I Can’t Have You

trigger warings: still a lot of angst, little signs of depression maybe ?

authors note: part one was requested sooooo many times, i just HAD to do another one. i guess i will do part 3 and just drop it. i hope you enjoy this one the same way you did with the first one. let me know if you like it xx

*read Part One now!

It had been almost a few days since you had given Chris the ultimatum regarding your relationship. When you gave it to him, you never thought he wouldn’t choose you.

“If I can’t have you, If I can’t have all of you. If you don’t end what’s supposed to be a fake relationship with her and give me, give us the relationship we deserve, then I can’t be with you. I won’t be with you,” you whispered. “So, right here, right now, it’s either her or me.”

“You’re right,” he whispered. “You haven’t deserved any of the shit I’ve done to you and put you through. You deserve better… you deserve someone better than me. I’ve been selfish and I’m sorry.”

“What are you saying, Chris?” You asked.

“You’re better off without me,” he whispered.

The second he uttered those words your heart broke, no it shattered. You had been right, he was choosing her.

“I think you should leave,” you sniffled.

“Y/N, let me explain,” he said.

“No! There’s nothing more to say! I told you to make a decision and that decision isn’t me, so you can just get the fuck out! I never want to see you again!” you shouted.

You threw a pillow from the couch at him as you got up. You went into your room, slamming the door and locking it. You were fuming. Your cheeks were soaked with a mix of hurt and angry tears. When you heard the front door close, you fell down to the floor in your room and stayed there for the rest of the night as sobs took over your body.

Chris grabbed another beer out of the fridge, popped the top off and chugged half of it before going over to the couch in his living room. His phone kept ringing with calls and social media notifications.

“Guess the news broke,” he mumbled to no one in particular.

He didn’t even have to look at his phone to know what it said.

“Chris Evans is back on the market! Calls it quits with longtime model girlfriend! Fans are in shock!”

Chris sat on his couch staring at the blank screen of his TV with the beer in his hand. He felt like crying, but he no longer had any energy or tears left in him. He had been crying since he left your house a few weeks ago. That night seemed like years ago, and yet it was still completely fresh in his memory.

The hurt and anger in your voice as you pleaded with him to end what wasn’t even a real relationship. The puffiness of your eyes from crying over him and his stupid actions. He hated himself for hurting you, for causing you pain, but what he hated the most was how he didn’t even see it, until that night.

How could he had been so fucking selfish? How could he even put on the appearance that he was with someone else for three years when he had you… You were everything to him. You were his rock, but he was too blind to see it.

He didn’t even know why agreed to have a PR relationship. He had told himself he was over that shit before it even happened, but then he ended up in one. It was probably because, in the beginning, it was only a few appearances and public dates, but then with his movies and his huge career moments, the appearances became more and more.

It just felt like a job, which in a way it was, so maybe that’s why he never really thought about it as a relationship or that it was a big deal.

But obviously it was, he only wished he realized that before he hurt you as badly as he did.

Somehow Chris had removed himself from the couch and made it the bed. He hadn’t slept in that bed in ages because he was usually in yours. He couldn’t bring himself to look anywhere but up at the ceiling because seeing your side of the bed empty made it even more real. He felt the cold breeze in his room as the air came on and flowed through the house. He missed the warmth of your body. He missed your lips pressed against yours, the way your body fit perfectly with his.

Everything. He missed everything.

The media and the fans were probably talking about him and how he’s probably mourning the loss of a relationship and staying MIA to deal with the breakup. They were right, but just not about who the break up was with.

This breakup was his fault in two ways. The first being because you had gotten to the point of walking away anyway, but the second was because even though he chose you in his heart, he knew you deserved better.

So, yes, he chose you over her. He would always choose you, but Chris didn’t want to be selfish anymore. He knew you deserved more than to just go on like nothing happened once he broke it off with the PR bullshit. He didn’t deserve to have your heart after what he had done to it.

He had tried to tell you that, but you wouldn’t listen to him. Of course, had roles been reversed, he probably wouldn’t have either.

Chris deserved to be miserable, to feel what you had felt almost the entire relationship. He deserved to watch you heal and move on to someone who treated you the way you should have always been treated.

He should have been that person. He had plenty of chances to be, but he never was.

Another day went by and Chris finally forced himself to take a shower. Once you start smelling yourself, you know it’s bad. He let the hot water run over him as he stood still in the shower. He kept replaying everything he did wrong with you.

He should have ended it the first time you begged him to stay. He should have ended it all those times he promised he would. Hell, he should have ended it the moment you two got together. He never should have agreed to carry on with it when he had you.

He had you to stand next to him, to hold his hand, to be there for him. There were so many times he wished you were there instead of her, but he knew because of the arrangement you couldn’t be. Not even to the side, not even as a friend because no one could risk a cheating scandal coming out.

But looking back now, if one had, at least he would have had you.

He told you he loved countless times, especially whenever he was about to leave you, but he should have shown you.

How could he keep saying he loved you when he treated you like someone who didn’t matter to him.

Maybe had shown the love he had for you, you never would have considered leaving him.

And he wouldn’t be alone crying in the shower.

Chris sat with im front of his desk as he wrote down a story onto the creme colored pages in his leather-bound journal. He had been up all night writing out his feelings as they were still bottled up inside of him. He came across pictures of you in his room and how happy you both looked.

That seemed like so long ago and really it was. The particular picture was taken on your first date in one of those photo booths. The Chris in the picture was nothing like the Chris staring at the picture. Writing whether it be a short story or just journaling, was like therapy for him.

He knew he couldn’t go on like this forever and he needed to let it out.

And that’s exactly what he was doing. Normally, when it came to super personal feelings, Chris needed time to really decide if he wanted the world to hear them, but right now, he needed them to, but more importantly, he needed you to hear it.

You hadn’t heard from Chris since he left your house. Since he chose her over you. You had taken the last few days to heal yourself and get yourself in the right state of mind. If he didn’t want you, then that was on him. You had already cried more than enough tears over him, so you told yourself you weren’t going to do any longer.

You willed yourself to get out of the house because there were too many memories. His favorite orange juice was still in the fridge. The smell of his cologne still lingered through the house. It was just too much for you.

However, weeks and months went by, and you went out, you started to move on. Until one day. You hadn’t expected to see what was the headline news on all the gossip magazines.

“Chris Evans is back on the market! Calls it quits with longtime model girlfriend! Fans are in shock!”

You stared at the front cover with wide eyes. He-He broke up with her? Well, you meant like the arrangement. But why, he left you. He chose not to be with you… you felt so confused.

“Fuck you Chris Evans,” you mumbled as you slammed the magazine back on the shelve.

Just when you thought you were getting stronger, he broke your heart all over again.

As soon as you got back to your place, your phone was going off with notifications out the limit. Your phone had never gone off like that. You didn’t have time for this, you didn’t care what it was, you just wanted to be left alone.

Until you saw that Chris Evans had tagged you something on Twitter. It was a video of a movie trailer.

“Going on without you is killing me every day. @ Y/N I love you, this one is for you.”

Your hands were shaking as you stared it. You had yet to click on the picture because you were terrified. What was this? What was he doing? Why did he make it public?

You bit your lip as you sat down on the floor in your living room. If you were going to watch this you didn’t need to be standing up. You turned up the volume on your phone and took a deep breath before clicking play.

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