mrs-yamada
Cheshire's Tales of Abuse
Pro Heroes can be childhood abuse survivors, too.
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Hiatus
I will be going off all social media for my mental health for an indefinite period. :3
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The internet
...and social media.
I have this love/hate relationship with them.
It's great that I can share things to maybe help others out and get them off my chest, etc. But it's bad because it invites people that read different things into what I really meant to say and hurtful, mean ones that just want to injure anyone behind a wall of anonymity.
I talk about what I'm passionate about, so others coming back at me in a pissy way and invalidating my feelings hurts. A genuine discussion is always welcomed, but poking me and then sending a meme to act like my feelings don't matter is asinine and, at best, grade school behavior.
Because yes, you might get over things fast. But I don't. I also have an indescribable urge to make people see my points, from my side of view. This stems from my childhood where no one truly listened to me, and I panic and cry over the tiniest things sometimes. I also want everyone to be treated fairly because of that past.
I never mean to say anything bad, I'm one of those people that believes that if you're a good person, great. If you're an ass, you're also an ass - no matter what else you are. I joke about saying "I hate everyone equally", but it's really the opposite UNTIL humanity rears its ugly head and injures me for stating something that I never intended as an insult, or anything bad.
I once said some folks weren't "normal".
I think that's a GOOD THING.
I also threw myself in there too, saying I wasn't normal as well, so I thought that got my point across. But no, humans will take things as they will - most often in the worst light possible. And then they will try their damndest to hurt you as "you hurt them", even though you did not intend hurt and they most certainly do to you.
#emotional abuse#child abuse#mental abuse#childhood#mental health#abuse#emotional#depression#mental awareness#mental awareness month
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I'm not proud of the things I did when I was younger.
Abused from all sides, then pulled from school because I was fainting a lot (due to stress & low blood pressure, although the diagnosis was I was "crazy"), I had no one.
No friends.
Zero, okay? And it's not like I had tons before you understand ... it's just that now all I saw, day in day out, was my stepfather, mother, grandfather & therapists. So naturally they began to pressure me. I was a burden financially, and I needed to just tell the doctor "what had made me like this" (GENETICS YOU IDIOTS).
Anyway, seeing no one but mental abusers that got worse the longer I didn't tell the "reason" I was "crazy", I saw only one path out. Remember, I had always been isolated and was a very young child. I was on all sorts of medicine that, back in the 80's, had not been fully tested for the 20 years needed to see all the side effects. And I was young and they upped my dosage quite a bit when it "didn't work"... again, not a good thing for a young kid. I know these are excuses, but they're true and need to be taken into consideration because of my heinous act.
I decided if I told a lie, the doctor couldn't tell anyone (doctor/patient confidentiality). I thought of the only one they would deem plausible, and I wish I hadn't to this day.
First off, the doctor told my parents right away.
Second, I had told them I had been raped by quite literally the only friend I had.
I thought it was the only way out and no one would know, but the therapist told, and word got out. I couldn't (as I thought) go back and tell it was a lie, because if I had been abused then, WHOO boy it would be worse because my mother would have been "embarrassed". She probably wouldn't have cared about the truth - especially as the truth was, as I know now, MY FAMILY had drove me to the breaking point -- but she would have "looked bad".
I have struggled with this for years.
I hate myself for doing it. But it has been done, a long time ago, and I did try to come clean but will never know if my message(s) got through.
If it was any consolation to the poor victim, I was actually treated worse by people who thought I was speaking the truth! He was put on a pedestal for having sex early, and I was seen as a whore.
It would have ended badly no matter what I told, even had I known the "truth" then. But I should have suffered by myself and not dragged him into it. I really did care for him a great deal. I simply had been backed into a corner and felt I had no way out. I wanted the pain and abuse to STOP no matter what - but the cost was too high. Besides, the abuse didn't stop, "that" abuse did, then another began. It was a never ending cycle.
Good people sometimes do bad things because they feel they have no choice. I believe that if I was a truly bad person, I wouldn't feel bad about it. But I still do after all these years.
He doesn't need to forgive me at all - I need to forgive myself and I honestly don't know how.
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It's all about me
They constantly told me that's what I acted like.
I was selfish, spoiled, got everything I wanted. Everything had to be about me, right? Like when I was getting "treated" for being bipolar (meds shoved down my throat, yelled at & more abuse). Or when rocks were thrown at me on the bus by the kids. I wanted that "attention", right?
What was reality was "it" most certainly was not all about me. Like when my own teacher affected surprise and asked "oh, was she in school today?" at a parent-teacher conference. Or at "family" (read as, step relations) gatherings where other kids were praised and I was ignored.
I was almost always ignored for anything good. Yeah, so you got me tons of presents at Christmas and holidays. I always had food and clothes. You know what? I would have preferred a nurturing family.
As an adult, they bought me & my husband matching hats that said "it's all about me" and just about DIED crowing with pleasure, laughing about how SO LIKE ME the hats were.
Zashi was appalled.
I threw them out eventually.
#emotional abuse#child abuse#mental abuse#childhood#mental health#abuse#emotional#parenting#depression
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Puppy plushie
My step cousins had this puppy plush.
He was old, he was pink, and he had been so loved his cloth was like velvet.
I loved this puppy. I can not tell you all how much. SO MUCH, okay? I would hug him every time I visited. For years. One day they told me I could have him, and I was so happy! I cuddled him the whole ride home.
He disappeared.
I blamed myself, as I was taught to do. But later on my mother informed me that it was "dirty" and "probably had fleas", so she had thrown it out.
...
She could have washed him, or sprayed him. I mean, we went to their home and "could have had fleas" on us!
I'm crying and hurt over him today, for some reason. I wish I had a pink puppy dog like him but I hardly remember what he looked like. Just that he was one of those pound puppy patterns that were so popular when I was growing up.
#emotional abuse#child abuse#mental abuse#childhood#mental health#abuse#parenting#depression#throwing away#stuffed animal
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Parents just visited.
My mom dumped a huge box of my "childhood things" (cards, book reports, etc from school days) at my house.
In the bottom was the freaking coal stocking thing from this story. I about had a meltdown. WTF ABOUT THAT WAS SO AWESOME THAT SHE 1) SAVED IT AND 2) THOUGHT I WOULD FUCKING WANT IT
Christmas
One year my stepfather wanted to hide all my xmas gifts and just put coal out. I learned this after they pointed it out (on the tree, where my mother had told him to put it) when I was done unwrapping all my gifts.
My parents then proceeded to tell their SOCIAL ANXIETY RIDDEN BIPOLAR DAUGHTER that I had been a bitch that past year, so that was a reminder not to be bad.
Why had I been “a bitch”?
Because they kept forcing me to go to my step dad’s relatives house where I was treated like crap. I saw how much better the kids had it (money wise and praise wise, although their daughter was clearly second fiddle to the son). To see how they were praised and I was always ignored like the black sheep of the family angered me. I could have won an award for my art, and they’d be like “Hmm, neat. OK SO OUR SON GOT AN A ON ONE OF HIS TESTS OMG HE’S A GENIUS”… annnnd, they would go on for hours about how awesome he was.
wtf
To showcase how horribly bad this was, one time a step aunt asked me, “oh, [family dog’s name] isn’t dead yet?”
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Anybody else announce what they're doing?
Like, my habit is always "I'm going to the bathroom, be right back" because if I didn't, there would be very loud accusations about me "leaving" to "avoid" (fill in the blank here).
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My mom recently visited.
So, as per the previous post here...
She rewashed a platter I washed right in front of her. Now, due to my trauma, I'm a fanatical cleaner & this thing was pretty damned clean.
Nooopeeee not good enough, she grabbed it while I was in the bathroom & started to wash it.
It’s happening
My parents are coming to visit at the end of the month.
I’ll probably have many new stories after that… but until then I’m busy furiously cleaning the house and playing games to de-stress.
One year when she visited she cleaned all my pots and pans on the bottom with brillo because they weren’t “shiny”/clean enough.
Another she snickered and nudged my stepfather when she saw my butter dish wasn’t immaculate (it, you know, had some butter smears on it).
Yet another visit, she said something about how I carefully maintain my dog’s weight but couldn’t manage my own, saying I was “fat” right in front of my husband. I didn’t even realize she was being rude until he said something! It’s just, she always told me I was. And even if I am now, saying it doesn’t help! And also, I can be fat and healthy. Since I have low blood pressure disease, I have a “normal” blood pressure now. It’s very high for me, but it’s still normal - not high. It shocks doctors, who see me & immediately think “obese = high bp”. Wrong! I exercise as well.
There have been more things and sometimes it’s all together but I get excited, but also frealed out when they are to arrive. Ugh. I still love my mother … wtf.
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I do most of these, too.
reblog if you:
- flinch away when someone touches you.
- panic when you accidentally break an object.
- get scared when someone walks behind you.
- feel your heart rate increase at every sudden noise.
- are easily panicked by slightly-louder-than-normal sounds.
- stare apprehensively at your bedroom doorway for hours at night.
- have trouble making eye contact with people.
- always feel either too mature or too immature for your age.
- simultaneously crave and be terrified of physical contact.
because i do all of these
#emotional abuse#child abuse#mental abuse#childhood#mental health#abuse#emotional#parenting#depression
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Photo
This cannot be forgotten. We won't forget her.
lazerprincess
this is a collection of her photos, drawings and her suicide note,
this is so even if her mom deletes her blog, everything is saved,
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It's happening
My parents are coming to visit at the end of the month.
I'll probably have many new stories after that... but until then I'm busy furiously cleaning the house and playing games to de-stress.
One year when she visited she cleaned all my pots and pans on the bottom with brillo because they weren't "shiny"/clean enough.
Another she snickered and nudged my stepfather when she saw my butter dish wasn't immaculate (it, you know, had some butter smears on it).
Yet another visit, she said something about how I carefully maintain my dog's weight but couldn't manage my own, saying I was "fat" right in front of my husband. I didn't even realize she was being rude until he said something! It's just, she always told me I was. And even if I am now, saying it doesn't help! And also, I can be fat and healthy. Since I have low blood pressure disease, I have a "normal" blood pressure now. It's very high for me, but it's still normal - not high. It shocks doctors, who see me & immediately think "obese = high bp". Wrong! I exercise as well.
There have been more things and sometimes it's all together but I get excited, but also frealed out when they are to arrive. Ugh. I still love my mother ... wtf.
#emotional abuse#child abuse#mental abuse#mental health#abuse#emotional#parenting#depression#childhood
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My Family in a Nutshell
This is a story that sums up my family really well.
My stepfather had this friend (has, actually, they’re still buds). He’s dirty, messy, and lives with a duck (yeah, you heard that correctly). When I was a kid, we used to go to his house to feed his birds, because, like all great redneck trash he bred animals for profit. His house was like one of the worst episodes of “Hoarders” - you know what I’m talking about. The animal ones. The state finally got him after awhile of trying and he had to get rid of hundreds of birds. This man stunk and always had bird poop on his clothing.
Okay so... a real winner, right? And he was sexist as hell and of course, came over out house often. One day he said I was “an ugly, fat bitch” or something very close to those lines to my stepfather.
My stepfather laughed.
And you know the laugh, ladies and gentlemen and others! The “oh, hell yeah that’s right” agreement laugh you do with your buddies.
My grandfather heard this whole exchange, and in front of me and my mother (who had not heard it, only the mocking words and laughter in general), tells us in a rage. He says, (we’re Italian), “you don’t do that - you always stand up for family.”
I thought this was great.
Then he adds the caveat.
“...even if it is true.”
My mother said nothing except agree with him (all the way of course, including the “it’s true” part.)
He was still welcome in our home and came over often after this.
My parents make a special trip to visit him after they visit me every year, and buy him a special gift while they're with me.
#family#child abuse#mental health#mental abuse#emotional abuse#coping#parenting#dont do this#toyourkids#for gods sake
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Coping Mechanisms
I realized I’ve posted a lot of stories about abuse, but none of the things I’ve learned over my 40+ years to cope with or lessen the everyday pain one goes through. It’s so hard to struggle through each day all by yourself by sheer will - as it certainly feels like, somedays.
You need to find some ways to deal with your pain! No matter how silly something may sound, if it works it’s not silly at all.
Obviously these won’t all work on everyone and some might irritate the heck out of you, because we’re all different. But if you put your own spin on them and think of what you enjoy to do, they could be helpful.
I’ll add to these if I remember more, since I’m in sort of a downward spiral (parents visiting soon) myself...
Onward, under the break...
Sleep when you need it
If you can, that is. I have too many issues to work and luckily we’ve managed so far with one income, although it sucks. This does mean that I can cater to my individual sleep schedule, however, and I use that to my advantage.
Don’t listen to neural typicals when they say “go to bed at the same time every night”. They’re normies! We’re not! Our bodies differ. You may actually benefit from doing as everyone will tell you, but a lot of us with mental differences benefit much greater from setting our own, very different (and rapid cycling) sleep cycles. I am currently sleeping from 6 am until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. I simply cannot sleep until then no matter what I do - and in a few weeks, I know this will change and I’ll be back to 10 pm or maybe 12. The difference is I get the sleep my body so desperately needs, and it helps greatly. I know not all of us can do this, but if you can - go for it. Try it out. You’d be amazed how good you feel after actually sleeping.
On the flip side, though:
Don’t oversleep
No, seriously. We all have the urge to “never get out of bed”, but you’re just gonna feel like crap and get a headache. Sometimes it’s cool to do this but, you know. Don’t abuse the treat.
Clean up (yourself & the home)!
Yeah. This is another one of those “you see it everywhere” tips, but that’s because it does work. Even if you can only manage to brush your teeth, change your undies, whatever, you’ll feel a bit better. Same goes for your house/apartment/room. Clean a tiny space if it’s all you can do - you’ll feel like you’ve got more breathing room.
Don’t EVER want to shower/bathe?
We’ve been there. It stinks, no pun intended. Personally, I had to think of a great way to encourage myself to get the heck out of bed and bathe - bath bombs.
And not just the regular kind! Glitter, rainbows, especially the ones with little toys inside, those are the best for days I don’t want to wake up and shower. You can even use them (as I just said) in the shower. They act like shower steamers and smell the rooms up nice, too.
Make a “Power Outfit”
It could be a comfy sweatshirt, or animal pajamas (kigurumi). Maybe it’s a really wacky pair of socks or a shirt that features your favorite TV star or character from a series. This could include accessories, like a fun hat, headband, furry tail, superhero cape - whatever will make you feel great. Don’t overthink it. It’s not “weird” to wear what makes you feel better, no matter what.
Hide/buy surprises for yourself!
Again, this is one I absolutely love to do. I scroll around through etsy and eBay a lot as another numbing yet engaging brain exercise, and I look for the cheapest “blind boxes” and/or “surprises”. Blind boxes are packages where you don’t know what’s inside until you open it, just like the name suggests. If this doesn’t bother you, it’s great for buying yourself a surprise. I use this as stocking stuffers for myself, too. Ha.
Of course this works for things like a book you want to read or a puzzle you’d like to do. Maybe even wrap it and leave it in the “gift pile”. Gift yourself when you need a pick me up!
Another of my favorite things are called “surprise balls”. They’re balls of crepe paper strips you unravel, and each layer has a surprise in it. You unroll the rainbow-colored strips, dropping toys, novelty items, etc, as you go. You can unroll one layer at a time or all of them! Find them at etsy, you can even get them customised.
Eat better. Exercise.
Trust me, I used to hate exercising (and when I say “hate”, I mean it). But it makes such a complete difference that I actually miss it when I skip on the weekends! Eating right (whatever is right for you, allergy-wise, dietary preferences, etc) also makes a huge difference. My mood lifted so high without the use of mind-altering drugs at all (societal approved medicine or otherwise).
Aromatherapy
I’ve seen so many people FREAK OUT about this.
Relax. It’s not meant as a “cure-all” no matter what the MLM pushers say, it simply helps a little. And for those of us with a lot of problems, “a little off the top” is really a big help. There are different types of scents for different mood enhancers, but my favorites (bubblegum, lemon, orange) are citrus based because that lifts depression. (Google this if you’re want - there have been tests done researching depression & aromatherapy).
Use wax melts, incense, whatever - and remember that candles can be bought on etsy & elsewhere that have surprises in them, too! You take out the charms and gems and such as the candle burns. Win-win for a little pick me up!
Rainbows
Yeah, I know. I have little crystal rainbow catchers in my windows so that my rooms fill with rainbows throughout the day. You’d be amazed at how many times a surprise rainbow from one of them lifted my heart and made me smile.
They’re not expensive, either. You can pop down to your local craft store and buy them in the beading section. Thread the bead with string or fishing line and hang it up on a suction cup or - really, wherever you can where light will catch!
Wait, did I mention craft stores..?
Arts & Crafts
I may be biased here, but there have been a lot of people that benefit from coloring books and crafts. They’re soothing, but be warned - they’re sometimes not good for mind-wanderers. If you’re “dump-trucking” bad thoughts, a mindless task will NOT be a good thing to do. I sometimes pair crafts and such with watching TV so that my mind and hands are busy at the same time.
Distractions!
Writing
*looks at self in reflection of monitor*
...yep.
This can help not only you, but others. It’s a relief to feel that you’re not alone, and when you come across something that helps you in a moment of need it’s awesome. It feels just as good to let it all out.
Write about your day, your past experiences, your hopes - anything. Heck, write fanfiction where the guys or gals or beings of your dreams help you get through things. Work it out. You don’t have to publish them. It will still feel good. And if you want to record your own in one area, or read specific fics, especially fanfics, I recommend the Archive (and not simply because I write there, ha)!
Television/Movies/Games
Same thing for movies, games & TV. They may distract you, but that means you may get the odd, sneaky thought that creeps in. We all hate those. Oh, and watch out for triggers! Good flipping butt, so many triggers!
There’s a site that helps for tons of triggers (including books, games, etc) called “Does the Dog Die”. I use it constantly when watching new programs or movies.
I personally do toon-fests where I watch so many cartoons, especially kiddie ones like “Molang” (so cute)! And I love using Minecraft for chilling out, game wise. Just, again... watch out for games. Man, they can be a pain sometimes if you’re getting frustrated. Stick with ones that you know are relaxing or you can play on “safe mode”. Don’t try to do a complicated campaign or grab that rare trophy/achievement when you’re stressed.
Music!
Yep. Music lifts spirits. And did you know if you search Google Play they’ve got free stuff? Like, a lot of it you might not want and there are a ton of religious readings, etc (if that’s your thing, then hooray)! But often I’ve found some really nice relaxing music with wave sounds, thunderstorms, etc. Of course you can buy albums too.
Voices
The same goes for voices. They can be very soothing and help you relax. There’s a whole bunch of Play apps where anime dudes and/or chicks talk you to sleep, or say comforting things. Well, technically, they’re real people speaking but there’s images of anime guys and gals. There are all types, so look around.
You could even ask your loved one to make a recording of them speaking to you or reading poetry, etc. It’s very helpful to hear a beloved voice - no matter who it is for you -- in times of need.
Cuddles
Pets, stuffed animals, blankets, fellow humans... hugs help sometimes. Sometimes you really don’t want to be touched, but that stuffed animal or pillow can give you just the right snuggle to lift your mood.
Free stuff!
Every once in awhile I use a throwaway email and go freebie hunting on the internet. A lot of places will give you stickers, samples, and all sorts of stuff for free. If you have a PO Box or don’t mind giving out your address, this works so well. Mail surprises are the awesomest.
#coping#emotional abuse#mental health#mentally ill#mental disorder#IHATEwhenitsaysDISORDERugh#coping mechanism
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Okay, seriously?
"Accost"?!
Then the obviously meant to be UNDERAGE girl is pregnant?! The hypocritical tumblr idiots made the decision to remove "bad content" but then approve the most disgusting, rape culture, pedophilic ads ever, like this? You sure "got rid of nsfw and pedophiles", didn't you... oh, wait. There they are. On a PAID FOR AD.
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I had an idea about becoming a different, more dignified, serious person when I get away from abusive parents, someone who would no longer be possible to ridicule and humiliate, someone who wouldn’t be oversensitive or hard to deal with, someone who you wouldn’t be able to mock so easily, someone strong and independent.
Instead, none of that happened, I remained the exact same person, with same interests, same intense desire to never become a stupid grownup, same quirks and sensitive nature and actually I became loads more childish and dumb, now there’s nobody to stop me from doing dumb things every single day. It would be immensely easy to mock me, and I enjoy how much weaker I can be when there’s nobody around to be strong and defend myself from.
The difference is, when my interests aren’t exposed to ridicule and humiliation, they are no longer shameful things, they’re no longer stupid and “not bringing me anywhere in life”, they’re my traits i can feel happy and proud of. I can be as sensitive as I want since nobody will try to hurt or mock me! I gain freedom to be dumb and stupid and still can expect to be taken seriously when it matters, when I want to be taken seriously.
If anything, I have grown protective of everything I am. Gone are the days when I thought that, for my own benefit, my every feature should be opened to criticism, I am ready to bring anyone down who even attempts to tell me off. I wont let anyone tell me about who I am or what I should do. I’m done taking anything but my own instincts into consideration. I’m done listening to people who don’t know me or don’t give a shit about me, opinions of the humanity can rest in the trash where they belong.
There’s no need to change into a different person, one that abusers wouldn’t be able to hurt, because who you are was fine all along. It was them who tried to portray you as an embarrassing shameful clown, you were fine all that time. There was nothing more wrong with you, than any other person on earth. There was no reason for them to make you feel like you’re the one who has to change. You’re fine.
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Do not click on pics (esp last one) or zoom in if you're afraid of bugs or spiders
So.
I bought three Magic Time "Cutie Fruties" baskets on eBay as surprises to ease my depression and anxiety. I do this sometimes since it breaks up my thoughts and is an amazing help.
I opened one and thought it was adorable! I was going to be hooked. But upon opening the second, I noticed a weird smear on the lid. When I scooped out the toy, several things fell onto my dining room table. Hmm. And there was something in the bottom of the basket.
Now, I have horrid vision and recently have gotten bigocals, so my near sight isn't too great anymore either. It's easier to take my glasses off to see (as I'm writing this on my phone they're off as well). I get the thing way close to my face...
And promptly view several, I repeat, SEVERAL eyes staring back at me.
I dubbed this "The Eldritch Horror" because I've never been so horrified so fast. It was a mummified arachnid of some sort. The "things" on the table? It's LEGS.
We threw it out, obviously. But I took pics, and I contacted Magic Time twice - once through their contact form on their cutie fruities site, and ince direct via email.
That was 3 days ago direct, and maybe more than a week for the contact on site. I have heard nothing back.
This has seriously scarred me. I can't unsee it. My stepfather chased me through the house with dead spiders because... well, abuse. You know. Shitty childhood things. But now I'm shaking every time I think of opening up any sealed package (and yes, as you can see in the one pic they were all sealed, the paper seals unbroken)!
The one pic is the upc from the damaged one, others are bits of the Horror.
Please be aware this can happen. I don't want kids getting terrified or weird bug infestations that could damage flora & fauna in your region!
#cutie fruties#fruit#spider#bug#child#toy#toy recall#damaged toy#bugs in toy#parenting#parents#kids toys#blind box#blind bags
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The Shower
If you’ve read any of my previous blog posts about my schooling, it sucked. A lot. I was bullied and tortured constantly and had zero support back home (they made it worse, blamed me, etc).
At one point as a very young girl I decided if everyone was going to make me out as this horrible monster that was so ugly, I would just give up.
Yeah, depression.
It’s hard to care about showering or self care when you’re depressed. I get that now. But my mother saw a stinky kid that would embarrass her, so she put an end to it real quick. She demanded I shower, and as if that wasn’t good enough - as if somehow her beaten down, abused as hell kid that did whatever she asked without a second effing thought because otherwise she would rain down more mental abuse on me -- she decided she would MAKE SURE I SHOWERED.
So she watched me.
My mother stood there as I stripped, got in and showered. The entire time she stood there with a pissed off expression on her face and I cried, freaking out, ashamed and totally embarrassed.
I always showered then. Always always always. I was terrified about her watching me, which disgusted me and I hated it. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I saw this as totally and completely effed up.
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