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lizzyxyz · 6 years

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The night I attempted to end my life...

Trigger Warning: suicide; self-harm; drug addiction/overdose; domestic violence; body dysmorphia

What I am about to share with you is the story of how I attempted to take my life....how close I came....and exactly what came out of it. Please be advised I do mention the above topics. If any of these topics are triggering, please do not continue.

I am always open to provide an ear, advice, or a virtual hug.

I love you all, please enjoy.

I have struggled with mental illness most of my life. Being raised in a house-hold of poor coping mechanisms, substance abuse and domestic violence didn’t necessarily set me up for success; or assist in the seriousness of my illness either. However, what it did do was help set me up for a series of obstacles I would inevitably be blessed to face and overcome...as well as provide me with copious tools in my life tool-belt that I can apply to a wide variety of situations.

At a young age I was molested by my father’s best friend. Additionally I have been a victim of domestic violence, rape, as well as navigating through a family plagued by alcoholism. My family as a unit has faced seemingly impossible situations that have forever shattered the fragile glass that holds the family unit at such high regard and protects it from the ugliness of broken individuals who are bonded by blood gone sour, yet desperately grasping at their instinctual loyalty and love.

Most children in these types of homes, who have gone through these types of traumas/crises would find solace in school with their friends. For me? School was equally as unbearable due to my weight. I was the fat girl....

I paint for you a picture of an extremely broken, vulnerable, self loathing young woman. A young woman who held no self respect and acted as a carpet to those around her. She suffered from panic attacks, anxiety, mood swings.....she cut to take the pain away. Her search for an outlet to the pain was tiresome as she would literally jump through hoops just to drag a sharp edge across her skin.....razors, scissors, knives.....paper clips.....broken bobby pins....

The above description was my foundation - those were the values I had of myself to walk into adulthood with. I could not cope, I hated who I was as a person, and I was so desperate to find a place where I was loved that I made a three year poor series of choices that eventually lead to rape, addiction, an abusive relationship, witness to severe animal abuse, and financial devastation.

July of 2017 was the end of the insanity that had become my life. I made the decision to move back home to a chaos I was used to and knew how to work through rather chaos I was unfamiliar with and had no clue how to handle...

July of 2017 I became suicidal and checked myself into a hospital. The sudden haul of the chaos became unbearable. I was broken. I was battered. I was hopeless.

August of 2017 I am released from the hospital and I am prospering. I have a fantastic job making fantastic money. I am happier than I have ever been. Life is finally good. I am making good choices...I am on cloud nine.

November of 2017 my mother’s dachshund gets out of the front door and begins to run towards the highway. My mother and I chased him a mile and a half down the busy main road we live off of. I am in heels because I was about to go and buy a car, and she was in shoes that weren’t tied and flopping off of her feet....I trip, fall, and break my foot. I am now out of work until January of 2018.

December of 2017 I am sinking deeper into my depression. There has been yet another drastic change in my life and I have no income. I have a car I need to pay, I can’t work due to the severity of my injury...and I am being targeted by my family. Four people in a house. Four people who need their space from each other or else situations become volatile quickly. At this point I feel as though I am absolutely nothing. I am unimportant, and with everything I have endured in my life....and with everything that I have failed at....I would be better off dead. I am an ugly....fat...worthless nothing.

January 3, 2018 I wake up in the critical care unit. I am restrained to the table with leather restraints and there are tubes in my throat. I look around and begin to panic. A nurse comes in and lets me know that my mother and brother had just left - they were with me all night...My aunt was in the waiting room....she came to take their place. The nurse removed my tubes and more nurses came in to take off my restraints and help to get me more comfortable.....My aunt came in.....

“How are you?” “I’m.........I woke up.” “Yes you did.” she began to cry “I woke up.....but I wanted to die...”

At 11:30 p.m. on January 2, 2018 I ingested over 250 pills. My cocktail consisted on a variety of psychiatric medications as well as benzos. I barricaded myself in my bedroom with my dog and my cat and cuddled them as I swallowed each bottle of medication. I did not leave a note. I sent one simple text message to my best friend simply saying I love you at an inconspicuous time of night as to not be suspicious and actively began consuming medication I knew would kill me in an attempt to end my life. I was doing it. I was finally about to escape all of my pain and no longer have to worry about life. I didn’t have to keep running from this black cloud that has plagued me for so long.

In the last moments I remember before I closed my eyes as I laid in my dirty bedroom I could not bring myself to clean, unshowered from my crippling depression, I did think about my loved ones - human and fur. I thought about them barging into my bedroom to find me dead....I thought about the pain they would endure knowing I died under their roof, partially due to them and their abuse. I thought about leaving my brother behind as well as my biological family I had just gotten in contact with and my new nieces and nephews..........I thought about not seeing my dog and cat again for a very long time. But, I also thought about every bad thing that has ever happened to me....and every bad decision I have ever made. I even thought about conversations I had with people over a decade ago and what I would have said different....I thought about silly things I did as a kid and asked myself why I did them. My entire life flashed before my eyes as I simultaneously remained mindful of the moment I was in. It is as if I was existing in two bodies at that time. I cried until I felt the medication begin to make me sleepy.....I looked at my dog and my cat and hugged them....I apologized to them....I told them I loved them and I nuzzled up to them....it was time.

It wasn’t until I finally saw my mother later that day that I heard the rest of the story. I have no memory of what happened from the time I blacked out from the overdose to when I woke up in the CCU.

My dog Kaleb began to scream from my bedroom and furiously scratched at my door. his screaming and scratching woke my mother up from her bedroom across the hall...she said she knew something was wrong and attempted to get into my bedroom. My door was barricaded so she couldn’t get in. I apparently came to the bedroom door to move the chest that was in front and met her at the door. She said my eyes were closed - they never opened. I slurred my words and told her to leave me alone and attempted to continue to walk towards her. She said I couldn’t stand straight and was practically falling down.

“I screamed for your father and told him there was something wrong. I ran into your room and found your empty bottles. I knew you were overdosing and I screamed that you were overdosing. Your father came up the stairs and began to scream. Moments later your brother came home and as soon as he came in the door he ran upstairs because he heard us pleading with you. You were combative. You wanted no one to touch you. Anthony helped me get you dressed and down into the car. I began to drive you to the hospital and Anthony was going to meet me there after he got changed and grabbed a few things for us.....but you began to drift in and out....I couldn’t keep you awake.”

My mother pulled over into an apartment complex and called 911. She let them know that I was overdosing in a suicide attempt and that she needed an ambulance. Moments later the police arrived as the first responders. They put me on oxygen and rubbed my chest hard in an attempt to keep me conscious. My eyes still never opened....but I would “come to” and try to get up and out of the car....swinging blindly at the police. The ambulance then arrived and the EMTs attempted to get me into the ambulance. My mother told me that I continued to kick/bite/punch. Four EMTs attempted to hold me down and treat me in the back of the ambulance...

“When they got you into the ER they asked me what you took and I only knew the one medication...they started to do all of these tests and started to pump your stomach. You just kept hitting and hitting and hitting. They tried to restrain you and you broke out of the soft restraints so then they switched to the leather and sedated you......but then you really started to go down hill. You weren’t breathing properly and you lost your gag reflex......that is when they decided to induce you and they put you into a coma. The doctor told me that you probably weren’t going to make it....and I dropped.”

My mother and my brother sat in the critical care unit with me that entire night....they prayed over me.....my brother held my hand and rubbed my arm as he cried and begged for me not to leave him. They asked me why I had done this and blamed themselves. They questioned where things went wrong and what they could have done to make things go right. They were waiting for me to die....they left once the clock hit 8 a.m. and my aunt came to take their place so they could get some sleep...

I woke up.

The first thing I thought of when I woke up was I woke up....and I was angry. I failed yet again and now needed to face my family as well as the consequences of my actions. Physically I was exhausted - my lung had collapsed, my pancreas was inflamed, I was withdrawing, and I was recovering from a medically induced coma as well as a ventilator. Emotionally I was broken - I had just attempted to end my life and I failed.

I spent a week in the psychiatric ward once I was released from the medical hospital for my attempt. After that I began an intensive therapy program and started on a daily regime of medication that ultimately helped me remain stable and that I couldn’t overdose on again.

My mother and brother have PTSD from this experience....they claim they forgive me, but the damage that I have done is damage I can only apologize for...I can never repair this. This will never go away. I have a permanent scar on my lung from when I aspirated and it collapsed...and I must say....I have suffered an extreme personality change which my doctor associates with the overdose and the effects on my brain and its chemistry.

It is now July of 2018...and I am battling cancer. It has been seven months since my attempt...and in seven months I have gone from wanting to end my life.....and attempting to end my life...to now having a value for my life and actually fighting for it...in seven months.

All of the problems that I had before my suicide attempt are still here. Every mistake, every consequence for every action....I still live at home in a toxic environment.....nothing about my situation has changed in the slightest....but what has changed is my perspective.

Life is a series of peaks and valleys...the peaks are life’s highest points and are addictive...the valleys are life’s lowest points and can be deadly. Our mission is to navigate through these peaks and valleys as if they were equal. We are to be thankful for the valleys and treat them as important as the peaks....for we can only celebrate lavishly if we have survived the deepest of hardships. You cannot have good without bad...and you cannot have bad without good - they are uniquely one.

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lizzyxyz · 6 years

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UPDATE

Hello to my beautiful followers; both new and old.

It has been so long since I have posted, and I apologize.

It has been quite a tumultuous time since I have last posted. So much has happened so frequently and....I have coped so poorly....but I have survived, and I am so proud to say that I am alive. I will be posting about some of the events that have happened: sexual harassment at work, a broken foot that ultimately lead to a suicide attempt, psychiatric hospital stays. an assault at work by a client, my parents divorce, and cancer.

Yes, cancer. Super fun and great, right?

How about we talk about my weight loss...since this is technically a weight loss blog....but ultimately, I guess you can say that a weight loss blog really is a life blog considering life effects weight.....medical issues affect weight....medication effects weight.

I had gotten down to about 145 lbs. I felt fantastic and was finally so comfortable with my body. I was also approved for a panniculectomy (which will be happening at some point in time...however, due to other events, it cannot be performed at this time...there are other issues that are holding precedence over the panniculectomy).

I did notice that I began to gain weight again...I was always tired, exhausted....and then, I was attacked by one of my clients at work; twice within a month and two days...and ultimately ended up having a CT Scan which showed she fractured one of my vertebrae and bulged one of my discs......severe muscle and ligament damage.....and also nodules on my thyroid.....so not only am I injured, but I have weird things coming back on my CT scan....I’m FREAKING out at this point.........SO - they tell me to get an ultrasound on my thyroid, and I did physical therapy for my injuries (and a lawsuit).

I get the ultrasound......and my doctor then decides he wants a biopsy because there are multiple nodules and they look “suspicious.” Still gaining weight at this point - I’ve been bouncing from 175-185.......AND then I get the biopsy - FNA - FUCK WHAT YOU HEARD CAUSE THEY HURT. LEMMMMME TELL YOU! My doctor probably didn’t give me enough lidocane but JESUS he was jamming needles in my neck and digging and LORD. I had a panic attack. It was a bilateral FNA on two nodules...four needles in each nodule they biopsied and it isn’t quick okay they did. I had a massive panic attack and the nurse put a cold wash cloth on my head and then I lost my eyebrows. Great bruises after that too.....

Two days later I was diagnosed with cancer. I am currently awaiting results on the other tumor in my neck - may be bilateral papillary thyroid cancer...but at this point it doesn’t matter due to the size of the other tumor and it’s internal components (calcifications).

I will be getting a total thyroidectomy in a few weeks and be in the hospital for 10 days due to my bleeding complications (think back to my gastric bypass surgery and the massive internal bleed I suffered. That story can be found on my weight loss resources page [link at the top])

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO. IN CONCLUSION.

My weight loss has been fabulous, but halted due to cancer (and psych. meds but I’ll tell you about that in my post about my suicide attemptt). My thyroid is no longer working properly and it is causing weight gain as well as a bunch of other symptoms that make completing daily tasks exhausting.

I am three years out and so thankful for this surgery. I have completely changed my eating habits and my life. It has taught me how to love my body and myself at any weight...I have been all over the map....and as I sit here and type this out, I am a chunky little nugget and that’s okay. I am beautiful no matter what.

I again apologize for my absence.

More life stories coming soon <3

p.s. I chopped all of my hair off, dyed it blue, cut it shorter....shaved my sides into a fade.....got box braids...ya know.

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lizzyxyz · 7 years

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Changes

I met with my surgeon today.

I have lost 65% of my original weight.

I am going to be a weight loss ambassador for their program.

I qualify for skin removal surgery.

Omg.

Omfg.

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lizzyxyz · 7 years

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Can we talk about my progress please?

#progress #weoghtlossjourney #weight loss #wls #wlscommunity #wlsjourney #vsgcommunity #vsginstacrew #rny #rny gastric bypass #rnycommunity #bariatric surgery #bariatriclife #bariatric babe #confidence #change #girls with tattoos

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lizzyxyz · 7 years

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Weight Loss Resources Page

It is complete!!! Check it out, let me know what else you all want to see!!!

#wls #wlscommunity #wlsjourney #gastric bypass surgery #vsg #vsgcommunity #rny #rnycommunity #rny gastric bypass #bariatric surgery

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lizzyxyz · 7 years

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It has been quite a while since I have posted a selfie. Hello, Tumblr

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lizzyxyz · 7 years

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lizzyxyz · 7 years

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Weight loss is weird. I started my journey almost two years ago at about 315 lbs....Could have been higher...But...I hated the scale tremendously. I now weigh 160 lbs.....And with clothes on I feel so sexy and powerful and confident. BUT. THIS IS THE REALITY OF WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY. It's hard. It's hard physically. It's hard mentally. It's hard socially...It's just.....hard. Your life changes so drastically so quickly it's difficult to keep up sometimes.... Quite exhausting really..... BUTTTTTTTT. I will tell you this. It gets easier. There is hope beyond the initial post surgery depression. There is happiness in your progress after your 5 week weight loss stall. There is peace once you break up with your scale and realize a number does not define your success. There is confidence in the new you who will propel you to new heights. There is life......There is life after this surgery. Despite my many challenges, a surgery related near death experience.....Hair loss, extra skin.....An ended engagement and a variety of relationships post surgery.....My life now is better than it has ever been. I guess what I'm trying to say is.....For anyone just starting out or who is stuck or just sad/regretful, as I was on many occasions......This will pass, and you will achieve the success you are striving for. I have so much faith in you. Stay smiling xox

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lizzyxyz · 7 years

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Hello 2017

Wearing ✶ Lime Ricki Daisy Bralette and Daisy Ruched Bottom ✶ Wotoos star shaped face tattoos

It’s the first day of 2017 and warm enough already for a little splash in the pool! The beginning of the year is also fraught with the traditional onslaught of diet and weightloss ads in every corner you look, so I thought it would be timely to post some positive inspiration to help counter the toxicity that us fatties are routinely assaulted by around this time. The moment the year turns around, you see it screaming it you from billboards, newspapers and even browser ads. ‘New year, new you!’ ‘Resolve to be a skinny minnie this year!’ ‘Time for a liquid diet “cleanse” after that gluttonous Christmas!’ Well, here I am in my daisy print bathers, with stars on my face and unflattering curves everywhere else and I haven’t made a new year resolution to lose weight since the year 2007.

It hasn’t been easy all the way, fending off well meaning advice from acquaintances and relatives, and having to tune out friends unloading their weightloss plans onto me. Thankfully, and mostly because I’ve been doing it for so long, this sort of selective vision and hearing comes as second nature to me. But when the lovely folks at Lime Ricki swimwear asked me if I’d like to try out one of their swimsuits and talk a bit about feeling body confident as a fat woman, I realised that it would actually be helpful to share my tips for keeping sane and preserving your mental health (and confidence) in this month of weight based penance (ugh!)

1. Take out the trash

By which I mean the glossy magazines promising miracle ‘cures’ on the cover, the tabloids and their websites, the Instagrammers selling diarrhea tea, basically any media that’s not fat positive. Back in 2007, I was more than a bit addicted to celebrity gossip - it was entertaining and a welcome distraction from my undergrad texts. However, once I realised how badly the tales of celebrity weight loss and gain affected my own body image, I started weaning myself off it. And the more time I spent on the fat positive internet, the more I started abhorring popular media and the diet culture it sells. After a point, I didn’t even want to browse through ONTD anymore. Especially because I could find all the fashion inspiration I wanted from the fat internet, and that too on bodies that looked like mine.

2. Surround yourself with fat positive media

Admittedly, the fatshion community has a very different face now than it did a decade ago, and there’s no onus on plus size bloggers to be fat positive as well. You’ll find countless plus fashion bloggers who advocate weightloss and think nothing of documenting their diets, but there are just as many anti-weightloss bloggers you can follow if you’re looking for some positive reinforcement to go with your daily fashion fix. If you’re looking for somewhere to start with, my blogroll on this page has quite a few awesome internet peeps who are just as fat positive as they’re fashionable. And if anyone you’ve been following for a while, and whose style you love descends down the slippery road to diets, don’t hesitate to unfollow them if that’s what you need for your sanity. Just putting that out there because I feel kind of bad whenever I have to do that!

3. You don’t have to listen to your friends’ diet talk

I have friends who get down on their bodies, who can’t stop talking about how badly they need to lose weight. Most of us have friends like that. It’s especially distressing when they’re people you’re close to and genuinely care about, people whose concerns you can’t just shut down without an explanation. I’ve found that a gentler approach works best in these situations. All my friends are extremely aware of my stance on diets and weightloss - I mean, I’ve only been banging on about it for the last decade or so! Yet they still try to talk to me sometimes about how they’re planning to lose weight. In situations like this, this is pretty much what I tell them: Listen dude, it’s your body, you do whatever you want with it. But you know how I feel about weightloss, so there’s no point telling me about this because I’m just going to space out. You’re an adult, making your adult choices, so go ahead and make them *shoulder pats* I have literally zero inputs to give here. *firm shoulder pats*

Back when I was first learning about fat positivity, I made it my mission to bring all my closest friends into the fold. How could I let them suffer in the purgatory of dieting and self hate when I’d found such freedom in the alternative? Unfortunately, that’s not how people work. And ultimately, everyone has to make their own decisions about the path they want to follow, whether it comes to weightloss or the rest of life itself. You can help them along the way, but the decision of whether to be diet free or not is theirs to make.

4. Spend some time with yourself

One of the things I realised when I was getting to grips with body positivity was this: I didn’t actually know my own body. I used to avoid looking at mirrors, especially when I was naked, I only ever saw myself from one single angle, looking down at my boobs, belly, a bit of leg and feet. Whenever I came across a candid photo, I would be aghast because is this really how everyone sees me? To accept my body, I had to know it first. From every possible angle so that I couldn’t take myself unawares. Back then, I had my ex to photograph me naked, but if you don’t have anyone like that, use the mirror, use your webcam! Take photos of yourself with the self timer, standing, sitting, in silly poses and unflattering ones. Examine those photos, find the parts of your body that you love, and write down what it is that you love about them. Then find the parts of yourself that you don’t love as much and figure out something positive to say about them as well. Write that down too. Keep going back to those photos and notes whenever you can, and keep adding to them. If I’d taken these swimsuit photos 5 years ago, I’m sure I’d have been cringing at my flat butt and lumpy thighs entirely because I wasn’t familiar with them. But now I know exactly what I look like from the back, or sitting down. The body I have is the body I expect to see in photos because I’ve seen it so many times now. I know exactly how my belly folds, where my things dimple when I’m walking. These are regular, everyday features to me now, not some kind of a bogeyman waiting to jump out at me from photos I didn’t expect.

5. Set a positive example by eating

This one’s for those of you who have already taken the first steps towards body positivity, those of you who are feeling secure enough to give a very public middle finger to diet culture. I didn’t find public eating easy at the beginning, especially since I had a history of eating disorders. As my BFF recalls, one of her first memories of me was at the University canteen, with an apple in one hand and a cigarette in the other, steadfastly refusing any other food because ‘that’s all I needed for lunch.’ It took a while to get to the point where I could go out with her and triumphantly demolish platters of food in public. What I noticed, though, was that whenever I was out with a group of people and a couple of them were heading towards the ‘I think I’ll just have a salad’ territory, they ended up ordering what they actually wanted and enjoying it once I’d set the lead by unabashedly eating what I wanted. And even if you’re still a way away from being able to eat freely in public, I think that just eating the food you want with relish and joy and savouring every bite without guilt is the biggest FUUUUU you can hurl at the diet industry this time of the year. So treat yourself to the food you love and actually want to eat, listen to your body instead of the ad pointing out your supposed failings. And remember, food has no morals attached to it, it’s we who burden our plates with them.

Follow Me ✶ IG ✶ Twitter ✶ FB ✶ Pinterest

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lizzyxyz · 7 years

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Been a while since I posted a selfie :P

#wls #weight loss surgery #wls journey #weight loss surgery journey #wls progress #weight loss surgery progress #wls family #weight loss surgery family #gastric bypass surgery #gastric bypass #rny #rny gastric bypass #bariatric babes #girl #tumblr #selfie #malboro #girls with tattoos

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lizzyxyz · 7 years

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This is absolutely inspirational! Take this as a lesson, everyone!

she trained in abject poverty

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lizzyxyz · 8 years

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Weight loss is not always rainbows and butterflies.

It isn’t always beautiful and perfect.

Losing weight isn’t always full of positivity and happiness.

There is sadness. There is pain….and there is body dysmorphia.

I wear clothes like the ones pictured above - I hide my new body because I am ashamed.

Why?

Because when I look in the mirror I don’t see the girl above….I see the girl who was 315 lbs. and scared….alone….feeling ugly and fat and horrific.

I look in the mirror and I do not see progress. I see the same thing I have always seen.

I am going to be starting therapy to address these issues…but I share these thoughts with you because I want you to know you aren’t alone.

When you are heavy your entire life…and you remember being weighed when you were four at preschool and you remember the number “65…..” …..and you remember the embarrassment as you kept getting bigger and bigger….and then you have this surgery and you start changing and your life starts changing and people start treating you differently…..all of this change doesn’t always translate into your head.

Bad body days are okay.

What isn’t okay is allowing it to continue.

Stay strong. Stay positive…..just like I am trying to do.

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lizzyxyz · 8 years

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Body Positive Parenting

“How to talk to your daughter about her body, step one: Don’t talk to your daughter about her body, except to teach her how it works.

Don’t say anything if she’s lost weight. Don’t say anything if she’s gained weight.

If you think your daughter’s body looks amazing, don’t say that. Here are some things you can say instead:

"You look so healthy!” is a great one.

Or how about, “You’re looking so strong.”

“I can see how happy you are – you’re glowing.”

Better yet, compliment her on something that has nothing to do with her body.

Don’t comment on other women’s bodies either. Nope. Not a single comment, not a nice one or a mean one.

Teach her about kindness towards others, but also kindness towards yourself.

Don’t you dare talk about how much you hate your body in front of your daughter, or talk about your new diet. In fact, don’t go on a diet in front of your daughter. Buy healthy food. Cook healthy meals. But don’t say, “I’m not eating carbs right now.” Your daughter should never think that carbs are evil, because shame over what you eat only leads to shame about yourself.

Encourage your daughter to run because it makes her feel less stressed. Encourage your daughter to climb mountains because there is nowhere better to explore your spirituality than the peak of the universe. Encourage your daughter to surf, or rock climb, or mountain bike because it scares her and that’s a good thing sometimes.

Help your daughter love soccer or rowing or hockey because sports make her a better leader and a more confident woman. Explain that no matter how old you get, you’ll never stop needing good teamwork. Never make her play a sport she isn’t absolutely in love with.

Prove to your daughter that women don’t need men to move their furniture.

Teach your daughter how to cook kale.

Teach your daughter how to bake chocolate cake made with six sticks of butter.

Pass on your own mom’s recipe for Christmas morning coffee cake. Pass on your love of being outside.

Maybe you and your daughter both have thick thighs or wide ribcages. It’s easy to hate these non-size zero body parts. Don’t. Tell your daughter that with her legs she can run a marathon if she wants to, and her ribcage is nothing but a carrying case for strong lungs. She can scream and she can sing and she can lift up the world, if she wants.

Remind your daughter that the best thing she can do with her body is to use it to mobilize her beautiful soul.“

- Sarah Koppelkam

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