indigomoonrising
Sarah Said...
screaming into the void
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april
its been months now since that initial blow, since it all really started. I can't believe how ive coped. I can't believe how far ive come. im in awe. I couldnt have imagined this moment.
ill be back. I promise.
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2021 is the year I finally get my shit together
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Bipolar Thoughts That Cross My Mind 馃馃馃様
#mentally exhausted#mental illness#mental health#mental health awareness#bipolar recovery#living with bipolar
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volume 2
ive sat in my home for months waiting for you to answer. I waited weeks for you to tell me what I did. I never did. I never got that response. I wished I could get that closure.
I wonder if my words did it. if I did something to you. I don't know if I will ever know. I have a hint. I wish it wasn't true but I also can't confirm it. I won't be reaching out for other people from that circle. I can't beg any one to be in my life.
I wish I knew what I did. I wish I knew what I did to you. to all of you.
to the friends ive loved and lost, I bid you all adieu. thank you for the laughter, the love, the tears, and most importantly you you. thank you for being you. thank you for being in my life. it was fun while it lasted.
I loved you all, truly and deeply
im sorry
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time heals all wounds
its been a blessed 3 1/2 months. your absence was and still is therapudic. no anxious text, phone calls, bumping into one another. maybe I will when you return. maybe I won't. the beauty is that I might not care. I hope I don't. sometimes it feels like all this happened a life time ago.
it was though. it was 6 months and some change ago. 6 months ago my life tilted on its axis and changed forever. it was for the better. I couldn't see 30 with you. I couldnt see 29 with you. I couldnt see the end of the year.
it didn't have to end this way. if id spoken up sooner. I wish I had my voice. I stood before Goliath and let him win over and over again. its not about the physical size anymore. it was what drove it. it was the hate you felt for me. you told me you loved me but it didn't feel like that anymore. maybe you did. but it wasn't the way I needed it to be. it wasn't the way either of us needed it to be.
to all the friends ive loved and lost in this journey, I thank you. thank you for holding me when I needed it. thank you for helping me find my voice. I will miss you all. i wish I could've listened. Im sorry things have ended the way they did for a lot of reasons.
I will love you all in one way or another. I will always have fond memories of all of you. time heals all wounds and so in time, I will find my peace.
but YOU, however, you will always g down as the biggest mistake ive ever made. maybe one day ill grow fond of our memories too. until then, you stay where you belong. in those texts. in those voice mails. in those court orders. in your life. you stay far away from me.
if you ever loved me as you claim to have had, then you will leave us alone. please. I beg of you
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Light
there was a time I loved you
when the sun peaked through the clouds
when the night sky hugged the moon
where I thought our love be found
and then I drove that lonely road
when that loving trail had grown so cold
your dark ocean drank my bright blue sky
and I had no choice, but say goodbye
I hope one day I find my peace
in gentle words and loving arms
I wish my sorrows to be released
so that I may fall for playful charms
there was I time I loved you
that time has come and gone
and with these words I leave you
"I hope one day I feel as full
as lightning when it falls"
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fuck excuses, learn to admit when you fuck up
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Dear Rum, we had a deal. you told me you were going to make me funnier and more confident. I saw the video. We need to talk - Unknown
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Lie on top of lies
I can't believe that the last 3 years have been a web lies. the way you spun things In your favor.
I accept where ive done you wrong, but this? this is beyond forgivable. at least for I can't. maybe one day ill let this go but god damn dude. you didn't have to be this way to me. im glad there are things I thing that were jarring. im glad there were things I did that made you open your eyes.
play stupid games and win stupid prizes I suppose.
there will always be a place In my heart for you. a tender little corner.
It will be a long time before I let anyone know the truth about how things exploded between us. for now I deal with it on my own between my soul and my medical providers. yeah, you sent me over the edge.
I hope things happen the way the fates intend. I hope I stay the villain in your story. we all know what happened...
#domestic violene helplines#mental health#self healing#domestic violence recovery#domestic violence survivor
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im sorry
im sorry that I let you ride this carrousel of my mind and emotions.
you took advantage of that. you let me believe that all of our problems were my fault. that everything I asked for was too much. that wasn't true. I begged you for help and you left me there so fall so deep into my mind that I couldn't escape. the only way out was through a violent eruption.
im sorry for some of the things I said. im sorry for some of things I did. im not sorry for how I felt.
I accept my wrongs in this. some of the things were absolutely vile, spiteful and resentful. Im sorry I hurt you.
with that being said, you don't get to drag me through the mud. you don't get to violate me emotionally. I wonder what kind of life I could've had and immediately fall to pieces when I think about the emotional trauma that would've had to been lived.
you would've killed me one way or the other. I could've waited for things to get better only for them to spiral out of control, or I would've taken my own life.
one day I will look back on these entries and realize how silly this was. how I let someone drag me like this. I will be better.
#bipolar2#mental health#self healing#personal#note to self#personal post#self love#self worth#heartbreak#love#living with bipolar#surviving narcissism#dv survivor
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