I died when I was 16

And no one noticed

the difficulty in getting a [mental health] diagnosis in order to receive the right treatment is insane… but it’s made even harder when the psych literally says “your symptoms aren’t clear-cut enough to make a proper diagnosis.”

like, um wHaT

I love having bipolar. I love feeling an intense sense of purpose in the world for a day or two, or even a week, and writing up a storm and getting tasks done and finally feeling like I’m getting somewhere. But then I wake up some days later. Confused, disoriented, and in a withdrawn haze. I go about my day with this constant feeling of impending doom. Somehow existing completely outside of my own body, yet somehow inhabiting its vessel in some form, though it feels so strange.. so foreign. I truly never know if I’m going insane or it’ll all go away in an hour, next month, tomorrow, two years. I feel like Alice; forever falling down the rabbit hole; unsure of what’s good for me; what will last; what will be taken away. This disease is only getting worse. Everything is a temporary fix to an everlasting problem. For some reason the only thing that ever remains through all of the chaos and torment in my heart and mind is being in love and simultaneously dying from the heartbreak of it all. Endlessly. That makes it all even more of a torment. I’d do anything to give up this form. I’m not meant to be a young woman. I think I’d like to be a wild gust of wind rushing through the woods.. or a beam of light peaking through the treetops and spilling all over the ground. Anything but a woman. Anything but a human being.

But soon I’ll wake up and feel normal, and I’ll read this and wonder what I was thinking. And I’ll live in this dormant state for some time, thinking this time will truly be the last, only to fall back asleep and wake up in agony once more. Forever in a strange impenetrable trance. Forever repeating this cycle.

So here is a honest question for the bpd and bipolar crews how the fuck do you stop feeling empty. I am tired of feeling this way

Sum shit I did once upon a drink too many

Me: My current medication is giving me a sexual dysfunction.

Doctor: Oh, try this one then.

Me, after a week: Well this one makes me miserable.

Doctor: Oh, try this one [that's even more likely to give you a different sexual dysfunction] then.

Me:

Doctor:

i’m too young to be thinking about death.

Is so damn hard to establish a routine. Had this tormenting disease for over 9 years and I feel like I’ve achieved NOTHING throughout these years. I feel like a master of NOTHING . Everything is off balance in my life I crave routine and order but find the pain has more control over me than I’d like to admit .

Chronic pain problems •

My happiness is a book on the highest shelf

And I am unable to reach it

If.. only.. I could stand a little… taller on my tippie toes..

A treacherous thing to advise to someone with a constitution like mine

living in the woods with your partner but close enough to a town to do shopping and have dates. being able to participate in community activities and actually fight for causes you care about. working at my own pace. maybe adopting a child. going back to college on my own time. planting a little garden. cleaning the house with my partner. being an hour or two away from a big city so u can still go on adventures sometimes. limited to no social media. waking up and falling asleep to my natural body clock. reading again. writing more. living with my muse and finding more inspiration in my own accomplishments. having the energy to do things. feeling content. body neutrality. picnics. taking baths or showers in the middle of the night. making pancakes at 12 am. being comfortable with your sexuality and able to express it without guilt or embarrassment. not worrying about bills. sunbathing. smoking weed and watching comedies. kisses. caresses. learning to sew. baking. doing things for the ppl you love. going to the library. putting art on the walls and ceiling. singing out of tune. listening to the wind and feeling the warmth outside. feeling comfortable enough in my body to walk around naked. scrubbing the bathroom because you and your partner deserve to have a clean bathroom. making dinner because you deserve a homecooked meal. ordering takeout because you and your partner were too busy messing around that you both forgot. going to the mall with no intention to buy anything. dressing how you really want. doing makeup to make yourself look more masculine or feminine or anything.

my plants may die and my makeup may go bad and ill have to clean the bathroom again and do the dishes and the laundry but ill do it for you. for us. ill do it because you deserve better, and i dont feel that i deserve better but ill take care of myself for you. i know i need to take care of myself for myself but...doing things for myself is something ill have to learn. maybe with your help.

Well I might have something interesting to post here soon

I requested to be admitted on to a psych ward I can't fight anymore I have finally given up