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anundefinedwoman · 5 years

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Wow. This was eye opening and I am so glad I’ll be in my therapists chair in 45 minutes. This totally makes sense.

New Post has been published on https://themindsjournal.com/trust-in-relationship-important-than-love/

11 Reasons Why Trust In A Relationship Is More Important Than Love

Why Trust In A Relationship Is More Important Than Love

“I trust you is a better compliment than I love you because you may not always trust the person you love but you can always love the person you trust.” – Anonymous

Love feels great. Entering a new romantic relationship can feel truly amazing with exciting dates filled with laughter, long walks at late nights, curling up together on the couch to watch horror movies and those passionate kisses. But what doesn’t feel great is being in a relationship without trust. When the love and excitement are replaced with doubt and fear, that’s when things start to turn ugly. And this is why trust in a relationship is sometimes more important than love.

The fact is we all have baggage and whether willingly or not, we bring that baggage into our relationships. Whether you’re dealing with childhood trauma or trying to overcome infidelity in your previous relationship, our past always affects our relationships in one way or the other. That’s why trust forms the core of any relationship. Trust is crucial for relationship success and satisfaction. However, trust is also fragile. Once it breaks, it can be really really hard to rebuild it in a relationship.

What do you mean by trust?

“Trust is letting go of needing to know all the details before you open your heart.” – Anonymous

Trust in a relationship means you believe that your partner is reliable and has your best interests in their hearts. It means you have faith and confidence in them. And you feel emotionally and physically safe with them, just as they do with you. It means you expect respect, integrity, loyalty, and honesty in your relationship. You expect your partner to keep promises and secrets, and to support you when the tides get rough.

However, trust also means that you understand your partner and forgive them when they break promises and agreements. You cannot have trust in a relationship if one partner is willing while the other one is unwilling.

In a healthy relationship, both partners will express their trust in different ways, like:

Being compassionate

Having faith in them regardless of who they spend time with

Being considerate of their need

Listening, understanding and supporting them

Not dominating or controlling their partner

Being considerate and caring

Doing what they said they would

Believing that your partner knows what’s best for them

Trying to resolve conflicts in a mature and healthy manner

Respecting personal boundaries

Being respectful towards their partner

Feeling safe and making them feel safe

Relying on your partner without being dependant

Focusing on building a deep connection

Being reliable and available when they need you

Respecting their boundaries

Not doubting or checking up on them frequently

Giving them the freedom to live life their own way

Trusting each other gives you the freedom to be your genuine self in the relationship. You and your partner can build trust in your relationship gradually and naturally by loving and caring for each other. However, you cannot force someone to trust you nor you demand it. It will take time to develop trust in your relationship.

Is trust more important than love?

“We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.” – Walter Anderson

Although you might be keen on saying that love is the most important part of a relationship, I would say that it is trust that is most important in any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Take a moment to truly think about it. Imagine a relationship without trust – you and your spouse/partner love each other a lot, however, you don’t necessarily trust them. Now when they tell you they will be going for a business trip over the weekend, how would you feel? Would you feel that they are working hard to give you a good life? Or would you think that they are having an affair with someone from work? Most likely you would think that your partner is cheating on you. You will lose your peace of mind. You will start doubting them. You will keep checking their laptops and phone. You will try to track them. You will ask them a lot of questions. You will have arguments and fights. And this will lead to the probable end of the relationship. Love without trust doesn’t look that good. Does it?

A relationship can easily turn into a nightmare if there’s no trust in it. Your relationship will gradually become unhealthy, dysfunctional, chaotic and toxic. And that is a recipe for disaster. Trust is crucial for your relationship to thrive. Trust is essential to love and feel loved.

Did you know that lack of trust is the reason why most people end their relationships? The Relationships Surveys Indicators 2011 claims that among the top 4 causes of relationship breakdowns, lack of trust is the most common. Trust is the foundation on which your relationship survives the toughest seasons of life. A relationship without trust will never sustain for a long time, regardless of how much you love each other.

Why trust drives a relationship more than love

“Trust is built when someone is vulnerable and not taken advantage of.” – Bob Vanourek

In case you’re still wondering, here 11 solid reasons why trust is important and the driving factor in a healthy relationship:

1. Trust & love go hand in hand

If you knew that a person would definitely cheat on you, would you still choose to love them? No. you won’t. No one wants to get their heart broken deliberately. As rational human beings, we can only love people we trust. It is the building block of a relationship. Love is born out of trust. You still may be attracted to that person, but you can’t love them. A relationship that is not based on trust will never survive the test of time.

2. You can finally heal yourself

As I said earlier, most of us have baggage from previous relationships. Trusting your new partner will help you heal from previous emotional wounds. It will empower you to move on and liberate you, giving you the strength to love openly once again.

3. You become a better person

When you trust your partner, you don’t feel uncertain or insecure about spending time apart. You become more open to giving space to your partner. As a result, you can find more time for yourself without worrying about your relationship. This allows both of you to focus on your self-development and become better human beings and partners.

4. Trust leads to acceptance

When you and your partner trust each other, you don’t seek or feel the need to give justifications for every single thing you do. There is no need for explaining yourself as you understand your spouse and their decisions and actions. This helps you accept them as they are without wanting to change them to fit your perception of the ideal partner.

5. It reassures your relationship

At times, we all tend to doubt and wonder if our partner loves us as much we love them. Due to the daily grind, we are mostly unable to shower our partners with love or express our feelings towards them. This can start building a distance between partners. But with trust, you are reassured that your spouse or partner loves you irrespective of the busy schedules, fights, and arguments.

6. You get closer by facing obstacles

With trust, your relationship can conquer the biggest obstacles. Every relationship goes through some challenges. Trust helps to create a stronger bond that helps to overcome any and all differences in your relationship. When you feel secure and safe with your partner, you will feel confident about your relationship, your self, and your life.

7. You can control emotions better

When it comes to a relationship, it’s all about emotions. However, things can get awry when your emotions get out of hand. Being emotional individuals, we invest ourselves in building meaningful relationships because we value a person. When you trust your partner, you will know better and choose to overlook their irritating behavior. If they hurt you for some reason, trust enables you to realize that there is some reason for their behavior. This helps you to develop a healthy, long-lasting relationship.

8. Love may be blind, Trust is not

It is hard to trust someone. You need to be vulnerable enough to let someone into your life and trust then enough to love them from your heart. But when that trust is shattered, it makes you more rational and logical, unlike love which makes us blind to the many flaws of our relationship. Love makes us afraid but trust empowers us.

9. It boosts your confidence

Trust can actually help you achieve more in life. When you know that the person you love will be there to support you and love you even when you fail, you feel an inner strength to face and overcome even the harshest challenges. Your partner will give you the confidence to learn new skills and take new initiatives to achieve your dreams and goals.

10. Trust makes you more positive

“People who choose to trust tend to be happier, better liked by others, and more ethical than less trusting people.” – Joy Cagil

A relationship without trust slowly turns you into a negative person by making you insecure, doubtful, envious and disappointed. However, trusting your partner helps you develop a positive mindset and personality. As you are not engulfed by negative emotions, you can love more openly and use that positive vibe in other aspects of your life.

11. Learn to love again

You’ve had your trust broken in the past. We all have. And it hurts. But trusting someone allows you to love again. It helps you to find happiness again. Once your trust is broken, you get more cautious about trusting people and this helps you to find the right person who will give you the love you deserve. Although you shouldn’t trust just about anyone, you will be more than willing to take the risk when you meet the right person. Trust will come as a natural emotion and you will learn to love again.

As long as you realize that your new partner and your old partner are not the same person and not everyone out there is hellbent on breaking your heart, you will find the strength to trust again. Remember that trust is a choice. When you go into a relationship with a new person, you choose to trust them. Once you make your choice, honor your decision.

How to build trust in your relationship

“In order to establish trust, it is first important that you be trustworthy. This means you should be forthright with all your dealings.” – Paul Melendez

Wondering how you can cultivate trust in a relationship? Here are some basic and simple ways for you to get started:

1. Openly communicate with your partner

The first thing you need to do is talk to your partner. And I mean really talk with them. Talk about the things that matter to you. Talk about your feelings and emotions. Talk about your concerns, insecurities, and worries. Let them know if anything they did has disappointed you. Ask them the same and listen. Don’t listen to respond. But listen to understand. Once you talk, you will have more clarity about their behaviors and decisions and they will understand you better as well. Communicating in a mature way is the very core of a healthy relationship.

2. Set defined boundaries

Make sure you have defined clear boundaries that both you and your partner can accept. This is crucial for cultivating trust in any relationship. Find out about what makes your partner feel anxious and worried and what are probable deal breakers and let her know about yours. Once you set personal boundaries and agree to them, respect each other to stick to it.

3. Talk about commitment

It is important that you sit down with your partner and talk about what commitment means to both of you. Once you are on the same page regarding commitment, figure out how this may influence you and your partner’s future together. Most of us have various expectations when it comes to commitment. This is what leads to confusion, complications and a lack of trust among romantic partners. So it is a good idea to talk about it and have clarity about the future of the relationship.

Here are some other ways to build trust in your relations and create a stronger, more intimate bond:

Admit your faults and mistakes when you screw things up. Don’t cover up or deny your mistakes.

Learn to forgive each other and be humble enough to let go of past problems and issues.

Try to be as caring, faithful, honest and responsible as you can. Your partner will reciprocate your behavior.

Listen and understand when your partner talks to you without judging them.

Make sure you keep your promises every time you make them. Breaking even the smallest promise can break trust in a big way.

Show your partner that you are interested in doing activities that she likes. Know her hobbies & tastes and help her accomplish her goals.

Understand your partner, empathize with them and try to successfully fulfill their needs.

Solve issues and arguments in a calm and mature way. Don’t accuse or blame her. Do not avoid problems either.

If she has shared something very intimate and personal with you, keep it to yourself. Respect and guard their privacy.

Respect your partner and try not to judge or criticize them for every single mistake they make.

Be a supportive romantic partner and help them in doing what they want, taking risks and achieving goals.

Trust leads to love

“Trust each other again and again. When the trust level gets high enough, people transcend apparent limits, discovering new and awesome abilities of which they were previously unaware.” – David Armistead

It will take a lot of time, effort and patience to build trust in your relationship. Moreover, both you and your partner will need to be willing to trust each other and give one another a good reason to trust. As it is difficult to earn trust from your partner, make sure not to do anything to break that trust. Be as committed, dedicated, caring and consistent as you can in the relationship.

Once trust is established in the relationship, it will help you love each other on a deeper level and find true happiness.

You May Also Like:

Signs of True Love & True Relationships

12 Little Things That Prove Your Love Is True

How Being In Love Is Different From Loving Someone

9 Thoughts That Prove You’re In A Genuinely Healthy Relationship

#trust #untrustworthy #build trust in your relationship #love #relationship issues #trauma #complex trauma #healing #doubt

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anundefinedwoman · 5 years

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“Travel far enough, you meet yourself.”

— David Mitchell (via purplebuddhaquotes)

#self discovery #infj #journey #wanderlust

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anundefinedwoman · 5 years

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Which Would You Choose?

Which would be the harder or lonelier world for you to imagine? I’ve asked myself this question occasionally over the years.

Let’s say you had to make a choice between the two, which would you choose to lose? Your sight or your ability to hear, and why? And you don’t get the option of a Cochlear Implant or Electronic glasses for the blind.

When I was younger I would have confidently said I would have rather have lost the ability to hear. Sight held more importance. I had things I still wanted to do and see. I would have never been able to lay eyes upon my children or watch them take their first steps. I would not have been able to drive them to school. I would not have seen them graduate high school or wipe away their tears. I still had sunrises and sunsets left to see. And photographs left to take. Yes my children would have had to learn ASL so we could communicate. I could cook for my family. I could read stories to my children even, in ASL. I could read to myself and take adventures to far away places. I could watch TV or go to movies with closed captioning.

But now in my middle age, I question this choice. Would I still make the same one? If I had to choose right now at this age, I may choose hearing over seeing. Both seem pretty isolating. One just gives you a little more independence perhaps. One gives you the ability to be more social and connected with the world. Even this I’ve learned isn’t necessarily true. Being blind you can still use social media with software. Music is such an important part of my life and the older I have become, the more I appreciate, rely and turn to it. I rarely watch television anymore. I never go to the movies. Making this choice now, I would have seen my boys grow up, traveled the world, seen a hundred sunrises and sunsets. I would know the beauty around me. And I would hold it as close to my heart as I possibly could. I would try to memorize every detail in my minds eye so I wouldn’t forget. I do know just from losing loved ones, we sometimes forget faces, or other details eventually. Oftentimes music is good for helping us to remember or heal. For me, music and sound by bring forth memories. They make me feel or emote in a way that seeing something with no sound would almost be likened to a being locked inside a vacuum. Does that makes any sense at all? I can’t imagine I would know what to feel without sound. I wouldn’t be able to hear joy, laughter, even the cry of a baby. I wouldn’t know if in the middle of a conversation someone’s tone was changing. I wouldn’t be able to even hear the wretch of my own sobs.

I remember the effect the sound of a babies cry had on my breasts when I was breastfeeding. They call that an “uncontrolled let-down”. My breasts would just instinctively fill with milk. It’s kind of remarkable when you think about it. The sound of my wind chimes on my back porch always reminds me of my grandparents. It evokes memories of sitting out on their swing in their backyard. Well they were actually her wind chimes. Sound can bring us comfort or cause us undue stress. Both sound and sight can be triggering to the person listening or watching. It’s funny I just remembered that I get over-stimulated very easy by sound. If I am in a room, restaurant, around my husbands large family, and people are talking all at once, I feel like I am going literally OUT OF MY MIND. I don’t know which voice to focus on. They start buzzing all together and I have to get out of there quickly or I feel like I might have a nervous breakdown. That’s so embarrassing to admit. Maybe this is from being an only child. Maybe this is why I need so much alone time. I waddle back and forth confusing even myself of my choice now.

I have surmised this from my own experience- The ears and the eyes both fool us. We fall for the lies told by others, so we guard ourselves more. We judge ourselves or others harshly with a critical eye. Our society has become consumed by an illusion it seems.

I almost tear up as I am mesmerized by shadows my ceiling fan cast on my ceiling and the knocking sound it makes from being out of alignment. I tear up because I realize how fortunate I am to have both senses. I see the isolation each faces without the other. And I see the beauty too in a world that doesn’t judge others with a critical eye. If such a world existed we wouldn’t even see ourselves age. Vanity wouldn’t exist. This is going on the premise everyone were blind. It’s hard not to judge myself and feel guilty for having such thoughts. I don’t want anyone to think I’m minimizing or even romanticizing either of these, but this is the blessed curse of my mind (when not thinking, researching or asking bizarre questions, it’s seeking distraction from itself). If you will, ask yourself- How do those without sight judge others? How do they determine if a person is beautiful or ugly? Does it matter? Do they even see beauty the way we do? Or do they feel beauty? How do they determine if a person is good, bad or trustworthy? I imagine they rely a lot on their intuition.

I’m still no closer to deciding. I think I would want to hear because I need music and I need to hear emotion, but I indicate my issue with overstimulation. I’m just a mess. I am just going to live life grateful for the sight of a smile unexpected, the sound of the Blues, the smell after a rain, the taste of sweetness on my tongue, the kindness of touch from a warm hug, and the intuition of knowing that I should step off on this stop.

What say you?

#infj thoughts #would you rather #overthinker #infj #Ramblings #what say you #self reflection #senses #make a choice #gratitude

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anundefinedwoman · 5 years

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Challenge You, Challenges Me

I am one who loves to challenge someone in conversation and for it to be reciprocated. There are times I almost get a high from it. It sparks the logical side within me and it’s always a learning experience, whether from the “opposing” side or if I have to go and fact check something quickly on Google. When I get into said conversation with someone, it really stimulates my brain. It stretches me.

Feeling this way, wanting to participate, and actually participating quite regularly in these types of conversations in an online group, such as one of the INFJ ones, I wonder if I come across as confrontational? I’ve always marched to the beat of my own drum. I’ve always spoken my mind, and have never been afraid to be the only one to raise my hand, or to say I don’t agree with the rest of the crowd. But I have had few opportunities for/to challenge others or be challenged. My best friend and I often do, but we also argue. Especially about the positive-masculinity/misogynistic bs he loves to deny he argues for.

Challenging someone is not fighting with them. I do not like confrontation. There have been a few times people have pushed my buttons. The trolls. I had a guy call me a “White Knight” once which I guess is better than being called a princess? Or is it? But I have zero tolerance for what I perceive as someone getting bullied. I have zero tolerance for racism/homophobia/xenophobia/discrimination based on any religious belief or person with special needs. I have a low threshold of tolerance for arrogant assholes. Each of these is liable to get me to speak out. I will always try to do so respectfully, but damn if I’m gonna just sit there. I get mad at myself if I have engaged them further and have allowed them to push my buttons. This is when I need a time-out. Also when I am ready to call someone an idiot it’s time to walk away. (Did I digress? Squirrel moment)

Even when I agree with someone, I love to converse with them further and ask challenging questions about the topic just to pick their brain. It’s fun to explore these things together every once in a while.

I will challenge someone going into a conversation openly admitting that I may not agree with their view, giving my reason and telling them I am ignorant on the subject. It gives them an opportunity to teach me and I can question along the way, challenging their ideas or thoughts and vice versa.

Sitting down next to someone at a dinner party and proceeding to engage them in one of these conversations is not the place to do this. You can come off as confrontational. And it’s a faux pas in my opinion. But the art of conversation is dying. We are losing the ability to have face to face conversations, including challenging ones where we actively listen to one another. After dinner at a party in a more intimate setting, I think a challenging conversation amongst friends would be great. And a small intimate group or a one on one conversation is better for the introvert anyway.

When I was growing up there were certain hot topics we were told “a lady” never discussed in public. Now I see them being posted on Facebook posts and I guess the old fashion, traditional side of me cringes. These were: politics, religion, abortion, salary, (I forget the 5th). I think there were 5. While a few of these I will tackle, I am uncomfortable with a couple. One is nobody’s business and the other is so personal. I think this has gone by the wayside these days.

And how does one close such challenging conversation when there isn’t a meeting of the mind? The point isn’t to change the others mind, right? Or to prove how right we are and wrong they are. You close by saying with a smile, “I appreciate your perspective and we will just have to agree to disagree.” Each interaction is an opportunity to learn from the other if we are open to it. This is how we grow.

What say you?

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#challenging conversation #challenge #disagree #agree to disagree #infj thoughts #conversation #opposing views #opposition #challenge my mind #introvert

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anundefinedwoman · 5 years

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Favorite Things

After therapy on Wednesday my therapist asked if I had done any writing. I had told her the week before I had been writing a bit in my head, which was true. It just never made it onto paper or onto my iPad/iPhone. So I thought I would do something a little different this time. Changing it up isn’t always bad, right? After reading mine, I would love to hear some of yours. Instead of a song to go along with my post like I usually do (dammit I cannot get Julie Andrews out of my head), I thought I would share a video of one of my favorite things. Maybe you’ll find it as remarkable as I do. Or then again, maybe I’m just a weirdo. Ok, no maybe about that! 😉

Solitude Hoop earrings Shelling for miles alone on beach trips Immersing myself in music. Almost every genre. -Folk -Contemporary Folk -Blues -Alternative Rock -Bluegrass -Classic Rock -80s Music & New Wave -Some Current Pop -Dixieland Jazz -Swing/Big Band Travel (Especially solo travel) Getting lost in the city alone knowing I’m in a safe area. When traveling alone, finding a beautiful park and laying in grass observing the people and beauty around me. Puns, innuendo and metaphors Kind, witty people Having a casual conversation with someone online where I can let my guard down some and be less shy, about philosophical matters. I appreciate another’s intelligence and their perspective even when it differs from mine. I appreciate the challenge of the minds. It helps me grow. Quality time and cutting up with my boys. Laughter. Laughter. Laughter. Hot baths with oils Street Art Clean sheets after a bath or shower. The smell of laundry that has been hung on a clothesline and dried by the sunshine (a wonderful memory) Scarves Wearing lots of bracelets Mourning doves. I love their coo. They nest and feed outside my door. I’m very protective of them. I’ve put a newborn baby back in the nest when it fell out while the other died from impact. And I mourned when I found a dead mourning dove on my back patio one year. They mate for life. I watched and worried for its mate for weeks as it seem to look for it. Oh gosh. My heart. I digress. Bad habit. Autumn. Walking and being amongst a lush green forrest. Perfume Comfy pajamas That moment of blind bliss or stupor in between sleep and waking up. Mumuration - the hundreds or thousands of starlings or blacks birds that flock and move together as one in a beautiful dance that looks like it’s almost a breathing gracefully in a ballet perfectly timed. It’s majestic. I call it poetry in motion. Rainy, lazy Sundays. Daisies. Peonies. Zinnias. Claussen dill pickles. Cotton Candy. Flipboard.

Now what are your favorite things?

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#favorite things #favoritethings #infj #introspection #introvert #self reflection #cptsd #healing from trauma #murmuration #spilled thoughts

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anundefinedwoman · 5 years

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#dr seuss #dr. seuss #dr. seuss quotes #motivating quotes #inspiring quotes

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anundefinedwoman · 5 years

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Riding the Waves of Darkness

I wrote this a month ago today. I’ve been holding onto it except for sharing it with my husband and my therapist last week. We all struggle sometimes and I want to remove the burden of shame that people feel they have to carry and hide in addition to everything else they are already carrying. This is my way of lightening my load and releasing it out into the universe. We look for days we can manage. Those of us who have known such trauma hold onto any flicker of light and try to memorize our way through the darkness to find our way out.

Today is...a dark day

The last few days have been so difficult. Who am I kidding? These last few months have. Maybe the last several years have. Things don’t always stay bad. They come and go in waves. Mostly I exist. I wake up and I go to sleep at night when I can. I am neither happy nor deeply sad. I clench my jaw and try to smile for everyone, even those I know I am disappointing. That or I just avoid them.

Then there are those days where I go really dark. The only voice I hear on those days are the voice of despair.

I feel like my life has no real meaning or purpose. And I have only disappointed people or have been their disappointment by existing. That if my life were erased or had never existed, it would have been better off.

I know that on a different day- a better one, things won’t feel so hopeless, but I feel like I don’t have many days left. I hurt. I hurt by what I feel I see in people. How I feel they perceive me. Their resentment of me. Even if this is their own crap, it’s just too much. I find myself weighed down. And I find myself the source of all the problems in my family. My husband blames me for the money problems. I don’t work. We agreed I’d stay home for the kids. My stepfather has told me what a wretched mother I am for having my son get student loans. Because I don’t work. I feel more worthless than I already did. The growing resentment is too much to bear.

I remember my husband telling me he fantasized I died once years ago. That has done almost as much damage as my stepmother telling me I was a mistake when I was too young to comprehend what that meant. To do the math. Things like that can never be forgotten. I saw something yesterday on my memory timeline that pertained to bullying, but it pertains to all trauma. You crumple up a sheet of notebook paper into a tight ball and then you flatten it out and try to iron out the wrinkles and you know what happens? The scars of all the folds or crumples are still remaining even though the paper is flat. You cannot undo what is has been said and done. It stays with a person. That damage becomes a part of them. And what may have taken just a few moments to say or inflict, can take years or decades or even a lifetime to undo.

I have needed a friend for a while. I cannot reach out when I have reached this point. I may be able to brave a smile for an hour if I need to for therapy, but beyond that, I am an island. And you know what always gets me? Pisses me off? People say the signs weren’t there. They always say that. But I think people just don’t want to see the signs. We have been here hurting. Alone. Isolated. Granted I don’t trust easily. Well, hardly at all. I keep people at arms distance out of fear of rejection and getting hurt.

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But here are the things I do know. And this doesn’t go for ALL people certainly, but the majority of people:

1. People believe what they want to believe about you, or whatever someone tells them about you even if it isn’t the truth. They speculate about it together and decide as a group what the truth is based on common belief, the general consensus, not factual truth.

2. People only want to be around you when you are fun. I have had certain friends in my “inner circle” that have never been there for me or reached out to me when I was going through a rough patch.

3. People don’t want to put their neck on the line for you, meaning they would never consider stepping away from “the crowd” or that common belief to step up and do the right thing.

4. People stop including you without ever contacting you to see if you are ok but they never saw the signs apparently when you stopped responding or going to events.

5. Your husband doesn’t even care or ask if you are ok anymore when he sees you hurting or crying. When you have plans one day and he asks if you are ready and you come inside with red eyes and say no, you don’t want to go anymore and he doesn’t even ask why.

6. When someone dies by their own hand or from natural causes or illness, others act as if you two were the closest thing since sliced bread. That is when they weren’t there for you.

I’ve been telling a friend something hasn’t been right with me for a while now. That I’ve been off for months. It’s been a hard year for me. I tell him but he sees what he wants to see and only what he is capable of seeing. Refer to #1 & #2. Of course people are only capable of seeing what you permit them to see too.

I’ve spoken to my therapist about me going to get treatment for my trauma because I’ve been so dark. I’ve wanted to come out. I’ve wanted to be unbroken and fearless and strong. But I am at a place of such despair and hopelessness now.

I fear for tomorrow. I fear for the next moment.

#functional depression #depression #self reflection #healing #trauma #cptsd #infj #spilled words #isolation #Complex Trauma

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anundefinedwoman · 5 years

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Need to Vent

I’m so annoyed that people think they know what you “need”.

I’m so frustrated by my lack of control in my own life.

I’m so disappointed and ashamed that fear holds me back.

I feel so overwhelmed by the changes going on in my body (fuck you 47).

I’m so sad my boys are getting older and don’t need me anymore. I miss cuddling with them. Do you know how weird they look at me if I ask for that now when one is about to go off to college?

I’m so tired of feeling taken advantage of and feeling like I am being used to make a point.

I’m so broken-hearted by the world today. There is so much sadness and anger out there. So much violence. All of it needless.

#complex trauma #infj #vent #i feel #trauma #fear #sadness #functional depression #need to vent

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anundefinedwoman · 5 years

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anundefinedwoman · 5 years

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anundefinedwoman · 5 years

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“When someone is going through a storm, your silent presence is more powerful than a million, empty words.”

— Thema Davis

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anundefinedwoman · 5 years

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Lyrically Speaking

I love music. I think the older I’ve become the more transparent this has become for me. It’s always been a part of my life, but I remember during my childhood, college through part of my 30s, TV was where I would mostly lose myself . It was an escape. Of course there are iconic televisions series for me during my childhood, in college, or back in time that stand out. Certainly shows like The Walton’s, Eight is Enough, Little House on the Prairie, The Dukes of Hazzard, The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, The Facts of Life, Family Ties, Growing Pains, Highway to Heaven, Dallas, Dynasty, 90210, A Different World, Friends and Melrose Place all stand out. Funny enough, even though I watched plenty of shows after college/ my very early 20s (Melrose, 90210, Friends), none really stand out for me like this. Maybe Everybody Loves Raymond, only for the fact that the dynamic in the marriage between Ray and Debra, is reminiscent of the dynamic in my own marriage.

I digress. The point is, sure these shows can evoke a memory or a general feeling for me. But they are all happy, fun memories. Even if my childhood and youth was filled with abuse and neglect. This was my escape. I don’t really remember much of the abuse or neglect. I feel its effects, but remember? No. Why would I subject myself to watching something weekly or daily if I didn’t get some sort of pleasure from it? The best memories are the ones where a group of us would gather collectively so we could watch with the anticipation as a room full of banshees shrieked and swooned over how hot Jake or Dylan was. Or screamed at the TV for Ross just to tell Rachel how he felt about her already because we were all in love with him!!! Or wondering who the fuck shot JR, and why Krystal and Alexis had such huge shoulder pads and fought like trashy twits? (Yes, Dallas & Dynasty came way before, I know.)

But music is different isn’t it? It doesn’t always evoke happy memories. Maybe for someone who had an ideally happy past it would, but for me it does not. I think it’s apparent by now from the television shows listed, I’m not a millennial. As a Gen X’er born right in the middle our of generation (1972), I think it’s safe to say I’ve reached middle age. As much as it pains me to say, I’m not the person who remembers everything anymore. Although I didn’t have all my past memories with me from the beginning due to trauma in childhood, the ones I do (did) have, I was the type that would not forget. Mommy brain turned into Man brain. Sorry guys, but we’ve heard the excuse thousands of times. “I forgot.” We would think, “Sure you did.”, and we would fucking remember that time you didn’t remember something again. Til it happens to us. I say to myself with a sense of humor this must be my form of in-this life-karma being served in a big slice of humble pie. But I’m smart or considerate enough to write things down, and have learned the hard way to back them up to the cloud so I don’t miss important appointments should my calendar crash. In all this talk about forgetting, I forget where I was going in another digression. Music. Songs. Getting old, yes...

I can hear a song from my childhood and it can take me back. I can immediately say 6th grade, 1984. I can probably still remember all the words to the songs too. I may be able to recall some happy memory, a memory in my room, hearing something...

When I was a kid after I had outgrown Saturday morning cartoons, I remember that it had become the day I had to clean my room. I mean really clean it. White glove inspection clean (seriously - my kids have it so easy) And I spent a lot of time in there. I remember having my moms old stereo in my room that was a record/LP player; a radio with an 8 track tape deck on it. This was before big boom boxes had made it to mainstream, but technology had already advanced to the cassette tape of the Walkman. But I remember listening every Saturday morning to Casey Kasem’s America’s Top 40. My favorite part of his show was The Long-Distance Dedication portion of his show where his listeners would write him poignant, heartfelt, or sweet letter about someone in their life or a hardship perhaps they themselves had been enduring. Casey would read these with such compassion where you felt like your soul was being touched through the airwaves by the velvet of his voice in the pain these people endured. And at the end of each letter they closed by asking him to play a certain song or would leave it to him. But they would send it out to someone. Maybe that’s where I learned to attach such memories, thoughts, and in times of sadness and need, turn to music. I don’t know. (You should listen to recordings of this online.)

I don’t know how long I’ve been doing it, but I “think in song “. It’s the only way I know how to describe it. Gosh, I wish they were my own songs. I wish I had that ability; that talent. But no. What I mean is somewhere in my memory I have a jukebox - a storage drive so to speak of songs I don’t even realize I remember - or sometimes I even know. Sometimes a situation I have with someone, and it could be very obvious like being out with my girlfriends having a girls night with lots of laughter, wine and the song “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” will be the song I hear in my mind. It isn’t usually the song title. It’s usually lyrics that speak to me. I think I equate or attach some sort of word association to the situation or feeling I am experiencing. We had a lot of rain recently. I start singing or rather thinking The Eurythmics,

“Here comes the rain again, falling on my head like a memory, falling on my head like a new emotion...”

Or since I hit 39-40, I would say my theme song has been Landslide, written by Stevie Nicks and performed by Fleetwood Mac.

Oh, mirror in the sky what is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?

~These are questions I ask myself OFTEN.~

Well, I’ve been ‘fraid of changin’ ‘Cause I built my life around you But time makes you bolder Even children get older And I’m gettin’ older, too

Ah, take my love, take it down Oh climb a mountain and turn around And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills Well, the landslide will bring it down

This morning Heart’s song, “Alone” came to me. I was thinking in this song. Just because of what’s been going on in my life lately.

Like I said in my “Sound of Silence” post, lyrics are so subjective. Music is an art form. Poetry is an art form. We take from it what we can relate in our own lives usually. Even though we may understand an artist may have meant X, our own interpretation can be different. That’s ok. They want to reach the masses. They want their work to resonate with you as much as it did them. We don’t have the same experiences, so why would our interpretations be the same?

If you feel color or think in song or taste experience, just let it happen. We evolve.

Now it’s time for me to turn on some music. I’ve really been enjoying Post Malone lately.

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