I've noticed that sometimes when I don't complete the script the way other people expect, they kind of just… answer as if I asked the question anyway?

Grieving with OCD

I think I knew this would happen when I’d become an adult, and it just doesn’t seem to stop. Like everything went south the day I turned 18. They were young when I was a child, I watched them grow. Or they took care of me and were in good health as I grew up. I spent most of my life in denial, blissfully unaware of how little time they all had. We get so used to knowing someone, be it pet or human, is “old”. That’s all they are, the number itself doesn’t quite stick out mentally. And we don’t really see the changes that point to the end until they’re dire and in our face. Until they’re staring us in the eyes, threatening to take away someone we hold very dear to us. I sit here, now hyper-vigilant towards any subtle differences, fearing the worst. Do I return to my naïve mindset that, yes, they will die someday but not soon, or succumb to the pure anxiety, terrified of any phone call or message that it happened again? Do I let it hit me like a brick wall, sudden and devastating, or let it twist me up inside knowing last time might be the last time? My family is small, only consisting of a few from my mother’s side and our pets. We don’t really have distant family that we visit, it’s mostly just us, and some of us don’t even get along due to abusive situations. To watch our family dwindle; every passing year that I’ve been living away from home another one or two leaving us, both pet and human… it’s breaking me. Not just age, but so many chronic illnesses, cancers, and other situations are taking their toll, threatening all the same as I’m watching their health rapidly deteriorate. Wanting so badly to think everything is okay, that they’ll be alright; but fighting the compulsive and repetitive thoughts that they will die soon. Constantly praying, asking for another day, asking for them to get better. Selfishly wanting them to live forever. Forcing the thoughts away only to have them come back and hit harder. And at worst, it happens again and my thoughts were right, reinforcing my fears. Again, and again.

The Disability Day of Mourning is the day we mourn the loss of disabled people murdered by family members, guardians and/or caretakers for the crime of being disabled. Too often these murders are justified or excused. While the perpetrator may be found guilty, which is a rare occurrence, public opinion still remains that they "had no other choice".

Disabled lives are not less valuable. We aren't disposable. We're human beings who have the same rights to life as everyone else.

As someone who's autistic and has ADHD, I feel really slow (not in the derogatory way, but rather very literally). With everything. My ability to learn and improve upon any skill or understanding is just so slow, while all of my old friends and practically anyone else I'd meet are able to learn and improve so quickly. Which, while I understand that life isn't a 'race', it doesn't mean that I don't still get 'left behind'. Because I do. Everyone passes me up and leaves me in the dust. For a while I'm going at the same pace as others and I can relate enough to be respected as a friend, then suddenly I'm alone again while they all continue sprinting exponentially. Further and further away.

Running is really the perfect analogy for this. Because everyone else I know can run so quickly and for indiscriminate periods of time as well. But me? I can barely keep up a steady jog. And whether I push myself to run faster or not, I still get so exhausted (burntout/depressively unmotivated/mentally unable to engage with anything skill-based) that I have no choice but to stop dead in my tracks and take a breather; or if I'm lucky, slow down to a limping walk. And this can last for literal months, where I'm metaphorically dragging my feet just to keep moving forward. With anything. I guess that's why I often feel like I'm never 'enough' in a lot of regards. Because by the time I've made any big breakthroughs, no one is around to care anymore. They're too far away to see, and have forgotten about me; too caught up in their stride.

I'm happy for them, I just wish I was still worth being a friend and my art/writing/thoughts didn't get laughed at or not taken seriously just because it isn't up to par with what all they can create. All I can do now is just keep moving forward, at my own pace. That's really important to remember. True friends don't judge your value as a person based on your ability to learn and master skills quickly. It will be ok, just gotta keep moving forward for yourself and you'll find your way. This goes for anything ranging from personally-chosen skills like art, music, writing, (even video games, let's be honest), to other life skills like math, cooking, socializing, ect. as well. You deserve to be respected regardless of where you're at with these things.

rationalizing with OCD and why it doesn't work for me

Had another talk with my therapist today about my OCD and thought I'd share something with y'all. I struggle specifically with compulsions that involve praying that the <horrible never want to risk this bad thing> or <equally horrible thought that disgusts/disturbs me> either does not happen or is not true about me. Not only this, but then there's compulsions within the praying too; they need to be done a certain way or my brain won't accept it as good enough, and I have to start all over again. My OCD takes my faith and uses it against me. My therapist previously recommended that I write down my triggered thoughts and follow up by rationalizing with them, looking at them "realistically". Unfortunately, that just doesn't work for me; and after doing some research I learned that it doesn't for a lot of people. I never knew that praying could even be a compulsion until I read other's experiences on it before getting diagnosed. Below is a screenshot of what I wrote down for my issues and how I think might help me while recovering. My therapist read through this and said that it makes sense, though obviously this is directed towards my specific needs. Hopefully others who are religious might get some help out of this as well; I know some even within our own faiths judge us hatefully when we try to open up about it and it's relieving to know that this isn't an issue of who I am or a fault of mine. (Gentle reminder that this blog is safe for everyone, with that in mind). Take care y'all.

I remember talking to my old psych about the side effects of my new ADHD meds. At the time I was hardly able to eat from a long-term health issue that weakened/inflamed the muscles in my throat. I'm overweight, but was legitimately physically ill from eating so little that most of the initial tests done trying to diagnose it were sent to the neurologist because of the debilitating vertigo and dizziness. Yet she takes one look at me and says in a forced giddy tone when I ask about loss of appetite effects, "good, it can help with weight loss!" (Yes this is the same psych as "Your autistic brother can speak? Then he's high-functioning, why isn't he working?!")

nothing angers me more than the casual fatphobia in healthcare when doctors hype the weight loss side effect when prescribing you new medication

I have a more positive story to share, and I swear it does relate to mental health-- There's this game from a series I was certain would not have another iteration to its name that got announced with a teaser a few months ago. I of course was really happy with the news. Quite a few hours after, I got a DM on Discord. A DM from a old friend, someone who I used to be super close to but slowly drifted apart from as he found new friend group and fandom he clicked better with. Which hey, no shame; as long as he was happy. What times over the past few years I tried to contact him afterwards though, our conversations would always fall flat and it'd be over before it even started. I don't think there was any malice of course, but it still made me feel horrible since it used to not be like that. Like I just... couldn't be a good enough friend to matter anymore. Back to the DM he sent. It was a message with that game teaser, although he had only played one game from the series, he was actually excited for this new release and had assumed I hadn't seen it yet. That's not the point though; the message along with it boiled down to him saying, "I thought of you!" And I kid you not. I cried. This is just over text of course, but the most wholesome, innocent, genuine voice played in my head, saying I thought of you. He messaged me over a game that he wasn't super into, just because he remembered how much I gushed over it during the days of the first game. I cried not just once (after we had a good conversation over what the game might be about), but twice (recently when I reread our messages). I can't put into words just how much something so little as letting me know that he was thinking of me meant as a friend. Depression and anxiety is nasty towards those who've stepped out of my life, telling me they couldn't possibly care anymore and that it's my fault. Pair the ruminating/rejection sensitive dysphoria from the ADHD/autism, and I've got a nasty storm of confirmation bias. And there was minor proof to side with it when in a bad mental state. Yet-- I still can't get that out of my head, that little voice.

"I thought of you!"

Gentle reminder to check up on your friends every now and then. Those with depression, ADHD, anxiety disorders, or/and who are autistic may struggle with being able to regulate their thoughts and emotions, especially in stressed times and it never hurts to give a little reassurance. Be it memes or whatever you know they like, take a minute out of your day to let your loved ones know you care. I know it meant the world to me.

No one fucking understands how rejection sensitive dysphoria feels, because I think if they did, they would be less willing to trigger it when people are innocently minding their own business thinking their friendships are okay.

Do you know what it’s like, feeling like your heart’s being ripped out your chest when you go to message a friend, only to find out you’re blocked? Do you have any idea what it’s like, being suddenly unable to breathe as panic rushes through you, as you try to contact the other people to ask if everything’s okay, what might have happened, what you need to fix, only to never get a response? Do you know what it’s like to go to mutual friends to ask for advice, only to be told harshly that you’re “too needy”, or to have that mutual friend block you too?

And on top of all of that, you don’t know what you did wrong. You really don’t. No one came to you beforehand about anything you must have said or did that made them upset. No one gave you that chance to apologize and try to fix whatever went wrong. 

No, they would rather abandon you, knowing that they’ll be triggering this feeling inside of you, and you’re left to sink to the floor in hysterical tears, your mental health spiraling downwards so fast that you wish you were dead. Your whole body hurts, like it’s been trampled, and you can’t stop crying until your head is pounding, and you can’t breathe, and still you don’t know what you did wrong! 

And then the paranoia sets in, wondering who’s next, wishing you knew what to do to prevent this from happening again, desperate to bend over backwards to make sure the people you see as friends won’t abandon you next.

How am I supposed to fix what went wrong if no one is willing to communicate?

Rejection sensitive dysphoria is... just so painful. No one said they hate me. I've been: invited into spaces meant for only close friend groups, recently promoted on my team, and have met so many wonderful people upon joining Tumblr on my main. But I've also: been blocked after giving someone a well wishes message in DMs during a difficult time of theirs (a super well-known artist at that), had my stuff removed over one other person's personal issues with the OP of what I posted, and am currently the only active member of my team while the community I care so dearly about is falling apart; knowing everyone will blame me if it does because of my position. I feel like I'm being judged. Like, everyone everywhere is staring hard at me, watching, analyzing, ready to catch me in a snare and put me down the first chance they get with any verbal or behavioral mistake they can find, with any flaw they can use against me. I've been dragged before over something I had no insight on, by people who initially backed me up and told me I did the right thing, only to turn well after the fact. Why wouldn't it happen again? They hate me now too, it seems. As if everyone is looking for an opportunity because they disgust me so much. I can't socialize in this mental state or my mind will take whatever it can to prove to me that all of this is true. I thought I was fine but I'm not. I am at first, but then it just all comes crashing down. Why does everyone hate me? Why am I so hurt over non-personal things?

I can only shut down, recluse, and wait out this long night. Because I know I won't be sleeping.

[Alt text from the image]

Screenshot of tweet from ellie middleton (user id: @/@elliemidds) here :

‘one part of being autistic that i never really see spoken about is the loneliness that comes with not being able to read social cues - always feeling out of the loop, like you’re missing something and as though you’re the one that’s kept out of an inside joke’

•••

PERSONAL EXPERIENCES:

Naturally a direct/straightforward person, regardless of how trained I am to be ‘pleasant’ in social events as I have been socialised as cis woman AND YET STILL being seen as rude when I forgot that my straightforwardness isn’t appreciated / can easily be misconstrued as conceited

Tried to approach people with humour, but is rarely received well and often fell sideway awkwardly compared to neuroconforming colleagues

Still miss any social cues expected in any occasions if they are not directly communicated or laid out before the event + easily become the cause of disappointment, misunderstanding and resentment in others (for being different and for wanting to do things differently).

By the end of the day, I am still autistic. I am still disabled by my ‘autism’ even if I understand sociology perfectly theoretically and script myself perfectly before any events. I would continue to feel lonely when I am continuously expected to neuro-conform AND then punished for missing what I am unable to identify.

Audio processing disorder is just like "you are going to be able to differentiate 27 distinct sounds happening simultaneously EXCEPT for when someone's talking to you. Good luck"

It should be the autistic person's choice to disclose their diagnosis, even if that disclosure is done by carrying a plastic blue pumpkin.

I hate that I'm considered "high functioning". I barely qualify for any "level" of disability in my country and I will never get a disability income. Yes. I'm able to go to work. But I will not be able to hold it for more than a few months before getting burned out and having daily meltdowns. No, having 10 minutes extra work break won't help me. Neither will wearing headphones or carrying fidgets. I'm literally not able to work 40h a week without severe negative consequences... How do i fucking exist in this society!

Trauma and depression both have a fun way of trying to convince you that there is no true reason for why you're suffering other than a fault of your own. Trying to unlearn all those thought processes developed throughout childhood and teen years in your mind that say "I have no reason to be depressed, I must be the problem" or otherwise the thoughts regarding the way(s) trauma effects you in your current age is a battle in of itself. Like some invisible war. I used to hate myself for not being able to enjoy a lot of popular media targeted towards my age group due to certain triggers, and it took literal years to get it through my mind that it isn't my fault or choice. The best way I learned was by asking myself "why" and looking inwards instead of defaulting to self-hate. Knowing there's a reason behind it gives you a weapon in the fight.

Thinking about... Grieving the undead.

On another note, I just recently got my generalized anxiety diagnosis changed to OCD so that's something I may decide to talk about here too. Might be worthwhile to share some experiences and learn some coping mechanisms from other people who experience this too. After that really insensitive comment my therapist made my last visit, I was actually considering dropping her entirely but I decided to see if she'd at least take me seriously regarding what I believed to be OCD for the longest time, something in which she shrugged off in the past (how it was diagnosed as GAD, actually). Basically used that for a final test to see if I should stay. Oddly enough, we had a talk about doctors not listening to us (something she opened up to me about experiencing herself) and I used that as a discrete segway into seeing if she would at least try to treat it as though it were OCD to see for ourselves if it would help any with these thoughts/feelings I've struggled with since childhood. To my surprise, she went over the diagnosis requirements with me and here we are. I do want to see if this is fruitful, but for now I'll still take it with a grain of salt. It feels good to be validated though.

I really hate seeing posts claiming autism isn't a disability. A very personal view of mine here but, if it disables people it's a disability??? That's... kinda how disabilities work??? Like, I'm genuinely happy for you that it isn't disabling to you. But to so, so many others it is and you shouldn't make a blanket statement claiming it isn't just because of your own experiences. So my older cousin who wore a diaper at 16 isn't disabled? Or my older brother who cannot live on his own? My school janitor who can only do his job with his mother also working there? Or me who on some days cannot form a coherent sentence and regularly injures myself? I literally cannot understand numbers or directions, spelling is impossible without autocorrect, and don't ask me to handwrite anything because it will be illegible to anyone but myself. The last job I worked I got taken advantage of because I couldn't realize when people were being ingenuine and I almost lost it multiple times because I can't stand injustice and told a number of my patients to leave while their families were still there when I knew our facility mistreated those living with us and didn't want them to suffer too. I broke down crying almost every night there and had to quit due to the overwhelming stress of everything. Genuinely, good for you that you're able to function well enough on your own to not consider it a disability. You don't have to, that isn't my issue- but please make it clear that you're not trying to talk over everyone else who is disabled by it and considers it more than just a different neurotype. Yours truly, someone who is disabled by my autism.