< Self-caring >

20.05.2023

In the past few days my study time focused on biology (mainly). Soon I will start reviewing and practicing for my exams. As my anxiety grows, studying is a bit heavy lately. Yesterday I finished 📖The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. I was a bit skeptical at first because I didn't think the genre could fit my personal tastes. Instead, I was surprisingly satisfied. I found the reading extremely therapeutic as the author manages to be vague and incisive at the same time, pushing the reader towards a series of freely interpreted reflections. At the end of the reading I developed a meaning of my own. This is a rare and precious thing for me, very few books did that. Today I started my current reading 📖Treasure Island by Robert L. Stevenson, I was in the mood for a little adventure 🍃. Inspired by a comment from a dear follower, I gradually changed my usual routine by integrating a series of selfcare activities. One of these was the introduction of workout sessions, which make me feel very good both mentally and physically and help me relieve anxiety and stress. Another activity I'd like to introduce is meditation, which I’m so excited about. I haven't practiced it for over 5 years, but I remember it was very useful for reinforcing my self-confidence, my security and mental peace. 

Productivity:

took biology notes

studied biology from my course book

reviewed chemistry

cooked pizza for my family (yesterday)

Selfcare:

finished my second book after a long reader's block (📖The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry)

started a new book (📖Treasure Island by Robert L. Stevenson)

20-25 minutes daily workout

🎧 Song of the day: Diva by La rappresentante di Lista 

ESC week.

14.05.2023

This week was hard mentally. Biology took up almost all of my study time: I listened to some lectures to take extra notes and I started doing some schemes. I also reviewed chemistry. As my knowledge grows, my anxiety increases and my self-confidence falters. I’m trying to keep my many expectations under control. Some days I didn’t study very much ‘cause I watched every live of Eurovision Song Contest. That’s a great show. I love the atmosphere of it, we europeans all together watching the same thing at the same time. My top 3 were Sweden 🇸🇪 (her victory made me so happy aw 💗 love her), France 🇫🇷 (mother) and Finland 🇫🇮. Please let me know yours too <3. The saddest thing about these shows is letting go of the artists I care about and getting back into my routine. Indeed, today (the day after the Grand Final) I’m so full of adrenaline and consantly distracted, I find it very hard to detach myself from that atmosphere. These days I also took a break from reading due to my anxiety; when it increases, I can read very little. So I haven’t made any progress in my current reading (📖The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry), even though I’m almost done. 

Productivity:

took biology notes

made some biology schemes

reviewed chemistry

Selfcare:

cooked for my family: a lemon plumcake (May 7th) and risotto alla pescatora (today), a Southern-Italy seafood risotto

walked a bit while buying my father’s Birthday present

managed to order a bouquet of flowers for Mother’s Day

📸 Current reading (📖The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry) + homemade lemon plumcake + one of my fav quotes from the last book I read (📖Carol by Patricia Highsmith)

🎧 Song of the day: Tattoo by Loreen ‘cause she’s a queen and she deserves it all 🫶🏼

Busy days.

05.05.2023

This week has been intense. I did so many things it felt like I was going crazy, but It’s also true that one by one it seems to me I’ve not progressed much. I spent my time mainly studying. I haven’t finished my molecular biology program yet, unfortunately I’m 2 days late on my study schedule. Soon I’ll switch to cell biology (easier for me than molecular), that I’ll exploit to make up for the 2 extra days I’ve spent for molecular bio. On Tuesday I started a new reading (📖The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry), which I believe will be fully read by the weekend. I haven’t decided yet what my next reading will be; just yesterday some books I ordered online arrived 🥹. My choice is between The Tea Planter’s Wife by Dinah Jefferies, Little Women by Louisa May Alcott and Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet by Jamie Ford. But honestly, it may be none of them since a dear friend of mine told me about a series of fantasy books he’s read that I’d really like to start. Both on reading and creative writing (like this journal) I rely on the feeling of the moment rather than on a rigid schedule 🍃

Productivity:

almost finished my molecular biology program

started my second book after a huge reader’s block

Selfcare:

took my cat to the vet 

spent time with my bestfriends (mostly chatting more than usual)

walked a lot after days of inactivity

a nice girl texted me and brightened my day <3

📸 Books I ordered online last week

🎧 Song of the day: Bellissima by Annalisa (🇮🇹)

Comicon days.

30.04.2023

In the past few days my town has hosted Naples Comicon, one of the few comic convention in Italy (the other one is organized in Bergamo, a northern Italian city so far away), such a must-see massive event. I've been there twice and had a lot of fun. I also bought some nice gadgets for a decent price. Despite everything, I was able to spend a few hours to studying. I still have some lessons to catch up on my course, which I’ll strive to make up by early next week. Meanwhile I made progress with my (ex) current reading 📖Carol by Patricia Highsmith: I finally finished it. One of the best books I've ever read. It left me with many awarenesses and I found myself in many passages of the author. A book that definitely leaves no one unconcerned: it makes you experience so much such as falling in love, a heartbreak, a changed soul after pain, a second chance as a sort of happy ending and many more. This truly is a book of mixed emotions for me: happiness, understanding, identification, but also nostalgia, sadness, abandonment. I forgot how attached one could be to a book. For the next reading I'm dying to read something by Elena Ferrante after accidentally coming across a piece written by her on female solidarity (you can find it in “Incidental Inventions”, paragraph ‘odious women’), but unfortunately I don't have any of her books at the moment. The choice is now between three titles: The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (in my library for ages), Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë (bought a couple of years ago) and The Tea Planter’s Wife by Dinah Jefferies (which should arrive in a couple of days). Maybe I'll choose the former for its small and inviting size.

Productivity:

studied 4 biology lectures

Selfcare:

finished my first book (📖Carol by Patricia Highsmith) after a huge reader’s block

let myself have fun without incoming intrusive thoughts

met my bestfriends

walked a lot after days of inactivity

📸 Comicon Cosplayers (they gave me their consent to post the pic) Disclaimer: I'm not a supporter of JD (no, nope, surely not), but I thought it was kind to include the talented cosplayer who was around 🫰🏻

Embrace yourself.

22.04.2023

Sorry guys, for being absent. I didn’t feel like it. Unfortunately I am aware of being stuck in a tunnel of bad mood. From the fear of failing that sometimes becomes performance anxiety, to performance anxiety that sometimes gets bigger, preventing me from experiencing moments of lightness, and recalling depression. There are times when I struggle to open up, even in small things, and I struggle to be open to knowledge, ending up being not very productive. In these days of Tumblr inactivity, moments of productivity have alternated with moments of stasis, but that's okay. Healing is sometimes a slow process, it must be accepted, it must be understood, it must be respected. These have been emotionally intense days. I expected more from myself on the academic side, I must confess. But I'm proud that I managed to make progress in my current reading (📖 Carol by Patricia Highsmith): I didn't think it was possible for me to read like I used to, and instead, to my great surprise, in about a week I read half of the book (63% according to Goodreads haha x). It's quite an accomplishment for me, since I’ve been held back by reader's block for so long.

Today was an intense day. I met some old friends by chance. it was pleasant and painful. Pleasant ‘cause seeing them having fun and feeling good is heartening. I keep them in my heart, all that we have experienced, that we have said to each other. Painful ‘cause they are no longer a part of my life. I chose to let them go because I couldn't return their affection. I could not feel up to them, to be with them in social contexts, to be part of the group. It hurt just the idea of ​​being toxic to them, of depriving them of opportunities, moments, just to be by my side. Now I see them every now and then, but it almost seems like meeting strangers and maybe it's the same for them. We all grew up different and surrounded by different people. I miss them sometimes, I miss that complicity, but it's something that will never come back, now that we're different and we seek for different things too. It’s sad, but is real. It surely was the right decision, for me who needed and need to heal, and for them who need to experience moments that I cannot give them.

Productivity:

studied 4 biology lectures

Selfcare:

read 3 chapter of my current reading 📖 Carol by Patricia Highsmith (PS: I’m so excited to have reached the 15th chapter 🫶🏼💗, whoever read it knows what I'm talking about)

📸 some of my biology notes about mechanisms that create and influence the epigenetic code 

🎧 Song of the day: Figures by Jessie Reyez

Back to uni.

17.04.2023

First day of uni today after spring break. I woke up at 5:30 am and at 6:20 I was in the bus. By 7 am I was in uni and, while I was waiting for the keeper (who showed up at 8, he’s late almost every day ew) I made progress with my current reading. At 6:36 pm I took the bus back and by 7 pm I was home. It was a tiring first day, but I'm quite satisfied with it. I’d have liked to be more productive, but Rome wasn’t built in a day; patient is required for building a healthy and functional routine. 

Although I've had more productive days, this day was very useful to turn on the flame again. My university is an extremely inspiring place. It’s located inside a general hospital and is full of different environments: from medical and surgical wards, to libraries, to quieter study rooms, to large outdoor gardens enriched by spacious gazebos. But what I like the most about it is the peace, it’s such a quiet place. Being surrounded by other students doing the exactly same thing is also an advantage, obvs. 

Yesterday I didn’t post since was an easy day, I did very little.

Productivity:

studied 2 biology lectures

Selfcare:

read 3 chapter of my current reading 📖 Carol by Patricia Highsmith

ate healthy 

walked a lot after days of inactivity (I think about 2.3 km)

🎧 Song of the day: By Any Means - Jorja Smith 

15.04.2023

Day off. My closest cousin invited me to a Easter dinner at her house, since she was away during this spring break. We had a traditional southern Italian dinner, the main meals were il Tortano napoletano, la Pizza chiena and a chocolate cheesecake. I reviewed my lecture notes in the morning, then I spent the afternoon getting ready for the night dinner. I had less time to study, but luckily I made progress with my current reading.

Productivity:

reviewed my biology notes

Selfcare:

read 3 chapters of my current reading: Carol by Patricia Highsmith

let myself enjoy other activities besides studying

📸 : random stuff + some of my biology notes about examples of protein domains capable of interacting with DNA

Step by step.

14.04.2023

Today was a sort of trial day. I didn’t do everything planned for the day, but I managed to stay focused much more than previous days. Although it brings up my insecurities, knowing that a routine needs to be built slowly reassures me. Besides the academic side, I’m very proud of having managed to pick up a book after quite some time (I’ve had reader’s block for a while). I downloaded Goodreads for the first time and has been a great help. Carol (The Price of Salt) by Patricia Highsmith was my ultimate choice, I read the first two chapters in about an hour 🫶🏼 I’m really enjoying it, and to be honest, while I was doing other stuff (studying or helping my mom) I was dying to continue reading it. Maybe before I go to bed I’ll try to read another one. Patricia’s way of writing is so pleasant. Then I had pizza for dinner as you can see <3

Productivity:

managed to stay focused

increased productivity

Self-care:

started to read after a long break

healthy meals: breakfast and lunch

13.04.2023

In the past few days I’ve struggled a lot with focusing, I didn’t do as much as I was supposed to. This week was set to catch up on a few previous lessons which, due to their unexpected complexity, took me longer than expected. This situation generated a bad mood that, in turn, influenced my enthusiasm for studying and I’ve been less productive. Unfortunately, I’ve realized that my mood greatly influences the activities I do. I’ve learned that for me the “main” activity of the day (which for the most part is studying) has a role in the performance of all the others. As a result when I don’t achieve my study goals I unconsciously sabotage myself by not taking care of me (which means not eating healthy, not finding time to exercise or for other fun activities). This leads to a reduction in the commitment to study and can sometimes translate into wasting a day not studying not having fun neither. Such a mechanism can be toxic in the long run and it’s right to pay attention to it, prevent intrusive thoughts and manage small but significant emotional academic disappointments. My main focus this month is to deal with unforeseen situations that I don’t always manage well when I study from home. I also had to study for my biology midterm this week; since it was held today, I spent the whole day reviewing my lectures. I’m quite satisfied with myself, although a part of me wishes I’d done more. The next few days until Monday will be spent catching up on lessons I’ve not yet done and establishing a more productive routine when I’m not at uni. Another goal would be to get back to reading. For the past couple of years reader’s block has been pushing me to start a new book and then leave it unfinished and I’d like to overcome this phase. Three months ago I started Harry Potter and The Philosopher’s Stone (big fan of the movies, never read the books), a different genre than usual to encourage myself to read, but shortly after I abandoned it. Now I don’t know if it’s appropriate to pick up HP where I left off or to start a new one that can stimulate me more. Among the most inspiring options in my library I’ve collected a classic (Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë), a gothic novel (Asylum by Patrick McGrath) and two queer volumes (Call Me by Your Name by André Aciman and Carol by Patricia Highsmith). I haven’t yet decided what to do, maybe I’ll end up leaving myself an open road by starting a new one and continuing Harry Potter when I feel like it.

Productivity:

studied for my biology midterm

reviewed some genetics notes

started my study journal

Self-care:

ate healthy after days of junk food