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terrorandtales · 10 months

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Microworlds and You…

I don’t dream of you often, but when I do, I feel as if you’re preparing me for something. Why did this time feel like a goodbye? Why do I feel like I won’t see you for a while? If not, ever again?

My mom and I drove for miles to reach this church on the side of a dark highway. It was a cold winter evening. Snow was piled up in the parking lot. Grey muddy slush covered the asphalt. I couldn’t place exactly how I was feeling, but I felt like I was preparing to walk into a funeral… We walked through these double doors into the dark church and passed by a great hall where mass was being held. Glowing of candlelight, maybe a midnight mass was being held. I walked down a narrow corridor that resembled our sleeping quarters at school. Each door I passed was open and warmly lit by one single candle.

As I’m writing this at this very moment, I’m remembering each fine detail, but as cold water splashed on one’s face to wake them I’m realizing this was your life celebration.

I’m seeing visions of the moment the people you loved so dearly said their goodbyes to you.

I remember walking into a room. Except it wasn’t a room, but a doorway into an outdoor space. The door frame resembled the outline of a room, a portal into a new Universe, but once I stepped through the world, it shifted into a place that I’d never seen before. Flashbacks to another time filled the space. Years before now. People were dressed in black. Some were celebrating different occasions. Life was moving on within this world. So many moments happening within this space. People I haven’t physically seen in ages whom I know have married, had kids, and entered different phases of their lives were scattered amongst the green pastures. It was all happening here. Life. I was sitting atop a grassy hill, cross-legged, or maybe with my knees to my chest. My head rested calmly on my crossed arms, which were gently hugging my knees. Taking it all in with each breath. Swaying side to side, witnessing all these private events that had dropped into this Universe. Your Universe. All these ephemeral snippets of life simultaneously pass us by. The people in these core memories couldn’t see what you and I were seeing.

You were visiting each loved one. Immersed in their realities. They couldn’t see you at all, but you were there spiritually. Holding them when they needed it most. Celebrating and cheering them on when warranted. Experiencing life amongst them as a ghost, a spiritual guide, giving all your love to each person you’ve loved so dearly. Life was moving on… without you physically, but you remained… moving between moments to share joy, laughter, sadness, and all that needed to be felt and held in those snippets of time.

As you moved from moment to moment, person to person, you started to fade. You looked tired. Your somber expression weighed upon your once jovial spirit. You looked like you aged… or what I imagined you to look at the age of 28…

It’s been nearly 6 years since we lost you. Since your last living breath escaped your once-smiling lips. You made a choice that broke our hearts and left us confused, afraid, and so incredibly sad. I’m reminded of your bravery and your wonderful smile. I can no longer hear your voice. When I close my eyes, I just see your smile and I hear the waves of those old Navy days.

I remember wanting to be swept away by the current. To dissolve into the tears of the Earth. I was too afraid to step into an unknown fate, so permanent. I was too afraid to leave behind the people I loved. I was so incredibly low. Screaming for help, but those screams couldn’t escape my lips. The cold night swallowed me. The stars shined brightly upon my tear-streaked face. I wanted an out of this life. From the stress and disappointment I felt, I couldn’t bear it. You, along with a few people, pulled me out of that darkness. I’d love to believe that even now you’ve helped to place beautiful people in my life who have recognized my darkness and helped to keep me tethered to the present moments of my life. Even in your waking days, you never knew of that night. Those nights, I drifted closer and closer to the shores of permanency. I knew you could feel my pain. You’d listen to me for hours. Make me smile and laugh. You truly were the sun to a lot of my darker days, and I never got the chance to properly thank you for our friendship. It didn’t hit me until a few days after hearing about your passing. I knew I had lost pieces of you along the way when our journeys went separate ways. Physically, you are gone, but we remain connected in different realms. Tethered together spiritually.

You exist in the ether. Supporting, loving, and caring for us all. Walking alongside us on our journeys. I want to say that I knew you felt my presence… Of course, you did. You brought me here. For a reason…

You allowed me to witness you being a part of all these precious moments. I sat patiently and watched in awe. Mystified by your grace.

Eventually, you made your way towards me. You walked up the mossy hill, and our eyes locked. I didn’t notice myself standing up and being pushed toward the door. You were lifting me and moving me with your gaze. Effortlessly, my body was being pulled back into my world and further from yours, from you. The gravity of my Universe pulling me back into my person, my soul. You couldn’t speak. You haven’t spoken to me in years. I haven’t heard your voice in so long, but your eyes, your eyes said it all… Tears fell from your sad eyes. You were pushing me out of your world, and I wanted to stay with you a little while longer, but I didn’t belong here. I begged you to stay with me for a moment more. We stood face to face. Our eyes never broke contact, and within the depths of your brown eyes, I saw our pain. Melodically intertwined. Blending within our worlds. I felt your loss all over again. Washing over me, between us, around our spirits. I was crying and asking you not to go. I hugged you, but it didn’t feel like I was holding you at all. I couldn’t feel you within my embrace. You didn’t feel human. I don’t know how to explain it exactly. I knew I was hugging and clinging to something that I needed to let go of. Something both foreign and familiar. Heavy and fleeting. Dispiriting eyes gazing into my tearful brown pools of sadness. My spirit was beyond the doorway. Taking in this moment. Seeing our embrace, us holding onto each other within the doorway of our Universes’. Time stood still, but only for a second, and as quickly as you came, you vanished within my grasp… The glimpse within your world melted away. Slowly dissipating before my eyes. All that was left was a dark room. Empty and hollow… I turned away, fresh tears falling from my dull eyes. I walked through the lonely, narrow hall, stepping within my reality. Peering into the once warmly lit rooms, and I saw our friends in pain. Hunched over in agony because of your loss. I kept walking until I passed the great hall. Stepped through the double doors of the church out into the frigid cold. My mom reappeared on the steps. Waiting for me. I was crying uncontrollably. Frantically searching for my car keys. Once I found them, I slid into the driver’s seat and wept. All my fears, disappointments, and traumas fell out of me. My shaky hands couldn’t start the car. My mom didn’t understand at all. She had not witnessed our moment. My moments of despair. She became frustrated and made me switch seats with her. I was in no condition to drive. I got out of the car and made my way to the passenger side. The air was cold. Each inhalation burned my lungs. The sky was as black as the hallowed room you once occupied. All was still, quiet and unbothered. I opened the passenger door. Climbed into the seat, took a deep breath, and woke from this dream. My sheets were pooled with sweat. My mind was disoriented… My body was exhausted from the trip… When my eyes opened all, I could see or wanted to see was your face.

The alarm rang… Time to get up… Time to keep living…

Was that your message to me? Keep living… The longer I think about your visit, the more I start to see our similarities… I have these moments in my waking life where I’m aimlessly drifting from moment to moment. Depression capturing the essence of my presence. I’m fading within reality, and I no longer want to live this way. I need to let go… Let go of the things that don’t bring me joy. Let go of the pain. Let go of the trauma. Let go of it all and step into my life. It’s not enough to be faded and ghostly amongst the living. Was this your message? Was this our final goodbye? Will I see you again? I’m not so sure, but I think this is a good start…

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terrorandtales · 11 months

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Anxiety - Spiritual Awakening - Bruises

Is today the day I choose to wake up?

Are the little bursts of joy and sunshine worth living for?

Am I truly living?

Would I jump from the tallest heights to escape the depression that is slowly killing me?

Do I want to live? What does it mean to live?

Why are we afraid of death?

Am I attracted to the permanency of silence?

Is death the permanency of silence?

The darkness is outweighing my faith.

I'm so tired of battling myself and my thoughts.

Am I awake? Do I want to wake up?

Do I want to be here anymore?

Where is here?

I'm the wall between myself.

My anxiety is hindering my ability to jump and have faith.

My mind is constantly buzzing and in motion.

The hardest part about becoming spiritually awakened and aware of my being, feelings, and energy is not being able to ignore them the way I used to.

I feel this uncomfortable flood of emotions that I must face.

I promised myself to see myself always.

I am the mirror of my darkness, joys, achievements, traumas, and pain.

Last week I was bruised...

I ran into a turnstile, trying to catch the train. I was rushing to get from one place to the next so I could avoid having to sit with the awareness.

Oh, but it came...

Immediately, I knew I would bruise.

I never used to know this about myself until him, of course, but part of me was relieved.

To see the bruise forming.

To feel the aching pain when I'd press gently on the raised skin.

The physical pain was a distraction from the emotional pain I'm drowning in.

I miss the bruises some days...

It's a tangible pain that has an explanation.

You see... When the blows would come, the bruises would shortly follow...

A chain reaction of miscommunication, arguing, and anger, followed by his hands breaking the silent emotional prison that held me tongue-tied, lips sealed, and voice paralyzed.

Once he'd tire and his hands would fall flat, the world would fall silent.

Heavy breathing would cease.

Shrieking cries would turn into shallow breaths.

Bloody hands would be washed of evidence.

The pain would subside eventually.

I looked forward to the bruises...

I loved watching them form day after day.

Darken, spread, and expose the survival of the past trauma.

I'm conflicted about these thoughts and feelings.

For the last five years, I've clung to these feelings.

I could endure the physical pain any day because it only lasted for a moment.

Eventually, the bruise would fade away.

I'd be left with deeper emotional wounds.

They will never cease to exist.

They are painted all over my heart.

Etched into the depths of my subconscious mind.

I am but a reflection of shattered mosaics being glued back together by love and faith, but broken constantly by self-doubt, fear, and anxiety.

What's the cure for the invisible scars that bleed daily?

My anxiety and trauma feel like incurable diseases. They're dormant to the public eye, but thrashing around inside of my head and my chest from the moment my eyes open to when I fall asleep.

I'm constantly battling myself to be presentable and outward facing.

Sometimes, the brightest people cast the darkest shadows.

I don't always know how to articulate my darkness in my waking life, but here in this world, my words bleed into the ether and paint the terrors I desire to leave behind.

"I want to protect you, Mae, but also let you figure things out in a way we all do because we all deserve that"

Oh my sweet Sunflower, if only you could help me to protect me from me...

I must stand tall and face the mes that make me, me

I see your efforts, and I deeply appreciate you and your willingness to see me and want to protect me. I haven't had a partner say this to me before. No man outside of my dad. So thank you. Truly, I thank you.

You challenge me to be brave enough to explore new realms. You've been a great part of my healing.

Our love is the most powerful, free, expressive, and pure love I have ever witnessed and felt in my life. You understand and see me more than most people do, and even when you don't, you always surround me with gentleness, grace, and warm hugs.

I love you more than any words could express. It's deeply rooted within my soul.

I've shown parts of myself to you that I wasn't aware of showing or sharing.

Parts of me that I didn't want to share right away, but because of the person you are, I can't hide no matter how hard I try.

I'm pulled to your calming nature. I'm safe with you.

With safety comes the avalanche.

Now, all of these things are falling out of me uncontrollably and without warning.

My vulnerability is my greatest strength, but my kryptonite.

I'm terrified to be abandoned and loved less.

Yet you remain.

I want to be able to share this part of me with you.

As strong as I am, I struggle daily.

I don't want you to wake up one day down the road and say that I didn't show you all of who I am.

Even if I'm afraid to show you.

I've accepted my darkness and all that comes with it.

One day, you'll have to decide if you accept all that I am.

Choosing to love is beautiful, but choosing to accept one for all the things that make them who they are is challenging and admirable.

I don't want to hide any part of me.

I've never hidden myself from you.

I've reserved parts of me for different times in our journey.

As painful as it can be to see myself in these shades of sadness, I love every part of my being.

I can not expect to receive grace, understanding, patience, and love from others - you, if I don't extend it to myself first.

The day will come when we decide to fully commit to a life with each other and our future.

You deserve to know exactly what you're walking into at the time of your choosing.

I'm still growing and learning.

I'm evolving each day, and change will come and go over the years as we age.

I trust myself to place my heart, my fears, and my unknowns within your hands.

I trust you.

In return, I hope to see as much of you as you'll let me. So I, too, can have the same opportunity to choose you over and over again.

I can't control my love for you.

It's completely out of my hands.

Our love is so free and has no bounds.

It's infinite and flows effortlessly.

That's what scares me.

A free, healthy, ever flowing love.

One I'm experiencing for the first time.

I know you'll protect me if I need it.

He is the father I needed. My protector.

The partner I've longed and prayed for. My Sunflower.

The friend I never knew could exist in this way. My person.

And as the sun sets on my sad heart tonight, the sun will shine with my hope for tomorrow.

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terrorandtales · 1 year

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15 Minutes

I have big feelings. So many of them take up space in my heart and mind. They consume me from the inside out. When I look at you, they melt away slowly. When I cry out, unload, and worry myself into oblivion you listen calmly. You let me exist in the chaos because you know it’ll pass. You don’t always understand and know how to react, but you’re always here. That’s what means the most to me. Your presence. Your hand on my back. Rubbing away the anxiety. Your fingers getting lost in my curly hair and scratching away all the excess energy I don’t need. You help to soften my anxiety.

Meanwhile, I need to be better about hearing you too. Especially when you say no or don’t want to do something. I was triggered last night, well before you came to pick me up. My past has been playing footsies with my present, and yesterday I was feeling the weight of my fears. You were exhausted and just wanted to be back home. I appreciate you walking those fifteen minutes to get me. I didn’t want to be alone. I’m afraid of the dark. I’m afraid of someone taking me; of him taking me. Your presence calms me. Holds me steady and brings me peace. We were in two different bubbles last night. I was eager to fall into the safety of your presence and you were eager to get us back home quickly. I wanted to bring you inside to share you with everyone and you wanted to make a quick u-turn. In hindsight, I see where I missed the mark, and I apologize for not seeing your reality. I was so consumed in my own undoing that I didn’t empathize with your feelings. I ignored your request to leave because I was so excited to see you and, in some way, wanted to show you off to our friends. I was so thankful that you came to get me, and I explained the importance of your presence to the group. I also didn’t want to leave you outside because it was a bit nippily out, but I forgot you’re a Northman. The cold runs in your veins. You live for chilly spring evenings. So naturally, you became impatient and reacted with exhaustion.

“You’re so annoying.”

When you said these words, it truly hurt my heart. At that moment I felt like I became a burden to you. I was taken back to a different me. I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings. So, I fell into silence, and you let me be. You walked me to my favorite shop to buy food. You remained by my side and protected me on our walk home. You let me be so I could sit in my thoughts. Once we got home, I sat quietly. Consumed by this internal fight I was trying to win against my past self. Within that silence, I had some things I needed to sort through. At some point, I wanted to lash out and make you feel as badly as I felt. I knew that wasn’t how I wanted to be with you. So, I chose to remain silent. I knew I had grown from those past traits, but I felt ashamed for thinking about it.

Throughout the night I felt so guilty for my silence. Ashamed of what I thought was weakness. Meanwhile, your subtle touches reassured me and brought me back to reality. You never forced me to speak, but you remained by my side, all night. Tossing and turning I searched for you in my sleep. Waking to make sure you were still there. Feeling reassured that you remained close to me, and by the time the sun rose I was in your arms. Cuddling and needing your touch. I felt so silly for not holding you last night, but I realized in those moments you knew what I needed. You knew I needed space to work through this trigger. You didn’t know I was triggered, but you felt what I couldn’t articulate. You remained patient and kind.

This morning, we woke up together and started our morning routines. I turned to you and told you how I was feeling and that my feelings were hurt. Within those busy moments, you paused and looked me in the eyes. You apologized for how you communicated with me but explained why you felt the way you did. It was the most tender moment. I appreciated your grace and our safety within each other. We both admitted our feelings and extended our understanding toward one another. I’m sorry I didn’t empathize with your reality, honey. I’m sorry it took me a bit to realize it.

Now that I’ve had time to process these feelings and feel your reassurance, I’ve come to understand the deeply rooted wound that still aches. I’m afraid to be abandoned. I’m terrified of not being worthy of love, patience, or grace. By the grace of God, The Universe, Angels, and Guides you have been placed in my life. You see me. All of me. The darkest shades of my sadness and grief. You love me through it all, and we may not understand why we feel the way we do, but we listen to each other.

Love isn’t enough. I say this often because I’ve been a product of discarded love.

This right here… You showing up, extending your grace, patience, kindness, and friendship surpass the superficial façade of “love conquers all.” Love is the start, but the foundation we have built will carry us through a lifetime; God willing. I’m deeply appreciative of you. Your generous heart and willingness to meet me where I am presently. Thank you for seeing past my huge personality, wild curly fro, and bright smile. I know you appreciate those things, but I know I can’t hide from you, nor can you hide from me. You see through all the surface-level fluff and gaze deeply into my soul. You’ve settled into the softness of me. You help to heal the parts of me I’ve hidden from and struggled with for years. I know I’ll continue to struggle and heal, but I feel like I no longer need to feel alone. Even when I’m scared I know deep within that my soul, my spirit, my mind, and my heart are safe within your presence.

I cherish you and these tender moments. Thank you for speaking the language of my soul.

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terrorandtales · 1 year

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Why can't you love me?

I cried to the heavens while I broke down in tears within your embrace

I see you

I feel you

Every breath you take I sense your heaviness

A heaviness that has clouded our sunflower fields for months

I welcome all shades of your darkness

Show yourself to me

Allow me to dive deep within your being

You are on a journey of self love

You stand between the shadow of yourself

Both present and future

"I'm sorry, Mae. I'm so sorry. Why do I do this?"

Why do you do this? Why do you continue to hurt me and swell my heart?

Why do I know better? Why do I give you chance after to chance to grow?

Why do your lips speak truths and suckle the pain from my source

Your eyes being the window to your soul, but your mouth being the master of my butterflies

My body aches for your touch

My spirit craves your awareness

My sighs tremble for your hands

My anxiousness searches for your warm arms to envelope me

My sweetest spot yearns for your gentle and swift flicks of your tongue

I blossom for you

And yet, my bleeding heart oozes from self-deprecation

My wounds freshly healed, but still tender to the touch

A man that stands before me isolating himself from his own love and confused of what to do with mine

My love cascades around him

Flows amongst his rigid, anxious, stoned heart

Are you afraid of my love? Are you afraid to love yourself?

Are you afraid that I am the mirror of your shame? The parts you wish not to see? To heal?

Do you feel confident in your decision to fight for us?

"This is wrong. This doesn't feel like it should be the end?"

Earn me, love me, each day... cherish me...

I'm worthy of everything I've asked of you and more

Love me and I will give you the world

I will surrender my heart to you

I will submit to your peace

I will submit to your love

"I do, and the driving force is because I love you and it’s a love I want to break some habits for and find myself in us…and I also woke up to some things and I will not continue to drag you through what I have been through. I’ll be honest to both of us if I’m not feeling right or confident"

I love you so much

I love you deeply, and I see you

I appreciate your honesty, and I always welcome it

Even if it's not what I want to hear

We reached a new level of depth in our relationship

We both were stripped of ego and held each other in raw form

I held you

As your soul contracted within your heavy tears

My bosom becoming the resting place for your cowardice

I comforted you

My long fingers caressed your back, sweetly cupped your bearded face, and my sorrwed eyes searched for hope

For any sign of fight within your glossy gaze

I loved you as you broke my heart

As my heart arrested, fluttered, and paused, I held yours in the palm of my hands and nursed it with my tears

You're taking pieces of me

Pieces you don't deserve

Pieces you've stolen that I've newly found

Your lack of action and your absence is the ragged splinter that pierces the scar tissue that has been trying to heal from years of trauma and neglect

Do you see me as I see you?

Do you love me as I love you?

I bleed for you

Do you bleed for me?

I bleed for us

Do you bleed for us?

I want to be close to you and love you

Do you wish the same?

I'm scared to trust that you can handle my magnitude of self love, confidence, and power

I'm scared that you're buying yourself more time to walk away

Are you more comfortable having me in your life so you can ignore being alone in your discomfort?

Am I a distraction to your waking life?

Am I a distraction to your journey towards self-love and peace?

I'm scared

I'm scared of my insecurities

I'm scared of my doubts

I'm really scared

Terrified to remain within your hands

Because I've fallen

So far from the truffla trees that held me safe and protected from extraordinary love

Though I've suffered at the absence of your present self

I trust in your honesty

I trust your love for me, for us

Above all I trust in my instinct

I trust the growth, love, and strength I have for myself

I trust to celebrate your actions and not only rely on your words

All in all...

I really hope it's you

My heart wants it to be you

The one...

Love me or leave me be

Love me or set me free

Love me, love you, keep me, keep us...

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terrorandtales · 1 year

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Ripple of Casted Stone

The past is a ripple of the casted stone

Reverberating through each new step I take

Pain has faded to dust

Your presence fill these barren spaces

Your warmth heal my blistered wounds

I cannot hide from the fear that surrounds my hope

Hope provides comfort, but these wounds impale anxiousness

Thoughts of abandonment linger on the rays of your golden blades

Whispering in the back of my mind, creating unwanted butterflies in my chest

Silent arguments dancing among my thoughts

But faith, oh, my faith has seen all the things, she has conquered the darkest realms, she appears to me when I need her most, and gives me the courage to step closer within myself

Mmm...and love... oh my Love...comes and goes, and forever will flow within, beneath, between, and unseen in the places that have been experienced by you and me

Don't you see?

I stand eye to eye with fear

Staring at a reflection of my past, seeing through frightened brown eyes

Acknowledging my truths and embracing these scars

Within this space, this time, and this place I will crumble and fall, but never cease to stand tall

My faith, my love, my courage to see the imperfect parts that make me, me

Will always choose to see the light in the scariest of times, I will always fight

For my Love, my faith, and my hope is precious, much too precious to cower at the feet of my past

#blackgirlmagic #blackgirlbloggers #short story #journal #dream journal #blackgirlsblog #short stories #universe #angels #night terrors #cascade #love #lovers #trust

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terrorandtales · 1 year

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Do you...

He said there are some things I wanna do

And I said okay boo, do you

But I couldn't help but feel the sadness of his realness

Knowing that I needed that too. The space to thrive, live, jump, and jive

But I miss him so, and the more I miss him the more I'm afraid to see him go

See I've never had a love like this

A healthy love that respects boundaries, space, and growth

So each time he comes it gets a little bit sweeter

That nectar flows within my soul like warm sand in-betwwix my toes

but love doesn't need to be suffocated or held so tightly

It's meant to flow, to come and go

To fill the spaces that we thought couldn't be filled

It's within us

We remain who we are inside

With or without one another

You see that's the beautiful thing...

and when we see each other there's reason to thrive, live, jump, and jive

I can do all things with or without him

I can be whole and still miss him

I can be whole and still feel lonely

I can be whole and still be me

Recognizing the wounds that are healing within

Verbalzing the truth, the way, the light

So he's got some things he's gotta do

And boo so do you...

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terrorandtales · 1 year

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Moon Beams

Full moon

Restless mind

Crimson flow

Aching womb

Senseless chatter occupies the fuzzy corners of my mind

Tired mind, body, and spirit

Afraid to drift into R.E.M.

Low buzzing city streets

Moonlight softly paints the room

Shadows dancing on the walls

Spirit is awake

Spirit is tired

Humming tunes of loneliness at this hour

Moon beams comforting the senseless chatter

Crimson tide contracting within my womb

Warm sticky flow stain my plump thighs

Dampening my in between

Body is awake

Body aches

Body is tired

These thoughts flow from a jumbled place

Mind is awake

Mind is tired

Mind needs rest

Low buzzing city streets fill the dead space

Reminding me of where I am

You are safe

You can fall asleep

You can dream

Tired mind, body, and spirit

Limbs stretching every which way

Crimson tide, aching womb, damp in between

Tangled legs, warm toes, hips lie like valleys

Whispered breaths fill the nearly dark room

Dancing shadows hypnotizing my sleepy eyes

Rest now child of the night

The moonlight will guide thee into the night

Cradle me till dawn

Heavy eyes, sunken hips, slow breaths

Tunes of a restless soul, moon child, dreamer of twilight skies

Rest now child of the night

Spirit needs rest

Spirit lead me into comforted dreamscape lands

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terrorandtales · 1 year

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Single Breath

I wanted to melt into one single breath.

I let him into my sacred space.

I softened for him. Melting into warm brown liquid, honey. Dripping from the sweetest spot.

He parted my sex and as one, we moved.

My soul clinging to him. My arms wanting to absorb his energy. My thighs hugged his strong body. Tightly bound in harmonious dance. Not close enough, I thought. I don't want a beginning or end. I want everlasting love and trust.

I wanted to become one single breath.

Feeling him in the depths of my womb. Places no man has taken me before. Sweet nectar dripped from my lips. Branding his shaft. Swirling hips kiss his lap. Deepening thrusts expand my universe. Melting the walls around my heart. I surrender to your love. I submit to peace.

Wanting to become one single breath.

Needing his calloused hands to caress my soft mound. My hips lie like valleys upon his mountain top. Stretching, kneading, and swelling into my garden of wonders.

My breasts fill his hands eagerly. I surrender to your love. I submit to peace.

Fear of losing myself in the act of love, but to give oneself is to trust thyself.

Wanting to become one single breath.

I cling to your strong shoulders. Your strength cascades around my femininity. Protecting and gently affirming my heart.

We beat as one. Pulsating within my sex. Ragged breathing, soft moans, and wet cheeks drumming to the beat of our lovemaking.

Wanting to become one single breath.

I surrender to your strength. I submit to your love.

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terrorandtales · 1 year

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Honey Combed Winter

Winter is here once again, but my heart is warm. Methodically beating to the tunes of the Universe. Time is moving and I feel the realness of us. I care about your heart, and I have fallen deeper into you. I felt the shift some time ago. I’ve been fighting it all the while… but the sunshine you emote has pierced through my bleeding heart. I can’t really explain it, but it’s like my roots are intertwining with yours. Like tangled legs under a comfy warm comforter. We’re cocooned in this blissful snuggly bed of mossy roots. Mother Earth has brought us together. Slowly and quickly, we sink into one another. Hues of deep browns and fiery oranges pulsate around us. It feels right and safe. I’m scared to be in this feeling alone, but I’d rather face fear and love you freely. I love you, my sweet Sunflower. I love you deeply and this is a slow love that is still blossoming. Effortlessly I breathe you in. Calmed by your sweet spirit. Our love glistens like the gold embers of sweet honey. Slowly dripping from the bosom of the Universe. I’m noticing the small acts of kindness and grace you give me so freely. I haven’t had this kind of love before. We’re presently choosing to love one another. Taking accountability for ourselves but cherishing the still moments of our growth. It’s remarkable. Raw and pure. You’re helping me to heal every day and I know it isn’t easy all the time. I appreciate you in all ways. Your thoughtfulness astounds me. You pause in your reality to think of me and take care of me. You embrace me, cuddle me, and hold me when I can’t hold myself. I take comfort in your arms and without words, you heal the parts of me that are deeply wounded. I’ve noticed a softness in me that I haven’t seen in ages. Warm smooth honey flows through me. Sweetening my spirit. Thank you for loving me in your own way. It’s like breathing in the fresh winter air. Crisp, clear, and refreshing. Your love expands and swells within the tired walls of my heart. I’m no longer afraid of the cold. For I have tasted the sweet fruits of your love. The warmth of your smile feels like those sunny summer days. The lightness in your laugh puts a spring in my step. Your honey-combed eyes fall upon my darkness and ground me like a cascade of golden leaves. You’re the one. You make me feel all the seasons. You are the season. The beautiful outcome of all the reasons that have come and gone. I finally believe that I am worthy of love. It all starts within.

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terrorandtales · 1 year

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You seem sad...

Floating in and out of social consciousness... I really don't know. I can't put my finger on it. I just want to exist in a nonexistent place. White walls... Scattered thoughts. Sadness looms over and between the stiff air... Period Blues... Crazy tunes. Soft strings... Cloudy fuzzy walls... Holiday blues? Nothing will be the same again. Broken traditions. Broken lies. Scattered truths... Flavored skies... Pink, blues, hues... Excuses zooming through my mind. Static nerves bubbling beneath my tingling skin. Weighted breaths escaping my lungs. What do I say? Where do I go from here? Crossed legs... Stiff back against the wall... Cold toes... Warm thumping heart... What do I feel? Everything and nothing at all. Where do we go from here? Silence speaks volumes... Mountain of doubts and darkness surround me. Icy storms embracing my mind. It's too cold to think. It's too cold to do much of anything. Iced hearts. Silver rings hug my fingers. Compression... Starved of touch and what makes me feel safe. Wanting to escape to the darkness. Hide within the fur. Purrs healing my anxious heart. Needing my incense and starry skies. Craving the silence of my home and the loudness of my thoughts. We're deep within the valley. Hand in hand we sink deeper within Earths mossy soiled lands. Moist, cold, Mother Earth pulling me at my center. Vanishing from the inside out. Gravity shackles my tired bones. Drowning within the weighted thoughts. Golden rays trying to find me deep in the abyss, but I hide amongst the shadows. Lurking, crawling, and punishing myself methodically. Drowning in my own doing...

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terrorandtales · 2 years

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The Other Side of The Wall

Shrieked screams wake me from the edge of R.E.M. sleep.

I begged to live to see another day. Does she feel the same? What part of her journey is she in? Blinded and halted by fear disguised as love?

It brought me back to all those dark moments we devilishly danced together. Each bang, scream, and thud shake my heart to the core.

I thought I woke up in my old apartment. I was waiting for your hands to find my neck. Waiting for the aching sting of bruised ribs. Anticipating you pressed deeply within my thighs, unwanted… Waiting for my lungs to burn from my screams, but your hands never came. The screams roared within. Stirring wildly and crashing within my body. Losing all feeling in my body. My eyelids fluttering, trying to familiarize my surroundings.

Clutching my heart and trying to practice these exercises that are to help ground me during these triggers. They aren’t helping. I feel myself sinking into the bed. The covers tangled between my legs feel like heavy vines pinning me down. Struggling to hold my breath. Helplessness and anticipation seeping into my cold tingling bones. Trying to disappear within, quiet my body, as if the man upstairs can hear my pounding heart.

What is the right thing to do? Fear halting me like a deer in headlights. How do I navigate these rough waters? I’ll forever carry her screams with me. Deeply harmonizing with my own.

If I stay silent, I’m adding to her pain as others blindly added to mine. The fear freezes me... Holding me hostage.

“You are safe” *BOOM* tears streak my face. “You are home Mae” *YELLING* The bass in his voice making my heart tremble and my skin crawl.

She deserves to be free, but is she ready? Will I add or take away from her suffering if I break my silence?

"He isn’t here” *THUD.SCREAMING*

Will I add or take from her life? What role do I play now? I haven’t been on this side of the wall. Her screams echo within my heart, fill my scared eyes with heavy tears.

I squeeze my eyes shut and focus on what I can feel.

Mila beneath my hands. Her soft fur clutched within my trembling hand start to soothe me.

*BOOM*

“You’re okay Mae, it’ll be over soon.”

*CRASH*

Ragged breathing and hollow panting fill the space

*Pitter Patter*

“I think it’s okay now… Don’t make a sound… Keep quiet, keep safe; within this darkness you can hide. He won’t come here. He can’t find you now…”

The silence is crimpling. When will I hear her screams again?

The silence is frightening.

Silence kept me in shackles for years, but it was my choice, my voice that needed to find the light.

Will she secretly hate the one who doesn’t turn a blind eye? Could this kill her more than it already is? Who do I play now? What do I say?

*BOOM*

“God please… please, make it stop.”

*YELLING*

Silently I pray for her… “Don’t fight back… He’ll grow tired. Let him become tired…”

***SILENCE***

I begged for a savior in those dark moments.

The silence is deafening. At least when I hear her shrills, I know she has breath in her lungs. I don’t want to take away from her life.

Being on the other side of the wall is just difficult.

I could take the beating over this any day. At least he’d tire and his fists would eventually fall flat.

***SILENCE***

Wet cheeks, ragged breaths, swollen eyelids become heavier and heavier.

Finally, my eyes close, heart slows, and body relaxes… The darkness is closing in, gently rocking me back to sleep. I take a deep breath in and exhale… And there you are… Greeting me in my terrors… God please… Wake me up…

*ALARM*

Silently I roll out of bed...

I carry her screams with me….

#short story #shadow #fears #domestic violence #domestic abuse #trigger #Triggers #abuse #silence #blog #blackgirlsblog #dream journal #blackgirlmagic #blackgirlbloggers #night terrors #terrors #speakup #brave

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terrorandtales · 2 years

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Pop to Flow

When we dance under those starry skies we fuse into one entity. Falling deeply into the kaleidoscope that makes us, us. Two souls uniting, enterwining, and delicately molding into one molecule. One with the universe. Blended threads of fabrics that build our planet one petal at a time. Nesting in our universe. Love, deep understanding, and tears binding us. Sewn together by the golden strand the Universe used to bring and tie us together.

When we dance your rhythm carries us through the shallows of earths wonderers. We transform and take shape of something majestic. Methodically moving to different beats, but together harmonizing to the tunes of our own frequency. I flow, you pop. Like silk ribbon I move between you and within you. Like rushing water you cascade over and around me. Filling me with so much adoration and comfort. Harmoniously we flow and pop within our bubble. Creating shimmered magic that flows beyond our realm.

I love meeting you within our universe. I love truly seeing you past human form. Seeing into your soul. Glimmers of sunshine beaming from each petal I've discovered and gently caressed. Our own in-between. Kaleidoscope of the yous that make you, you and the me's that make me, me.

I'm terrified to fall completely into you. I'm afraid to lose the pieces I've found within our Universe. The pieces of me I didn't know I possessed, the pieces I forgot I had, the pieces I've yet to discover. You make me want to be better. Want to explore deep within myself, because I know now that you'll love me. All of me, all of my darkness as well as the light. Years of prayer, struggle, and pain led me to the doors of your Universe. Here you stand before me with open arms, waiting for me to fall uncontrollably and without hesitation. Patiently walking through my insecurities, fear, and triggers. You're always there... here after every breakdown and dark moment. You remain, the pop to my flow. The flower to my sun. The glow to my shine. I love finding us in the in-between, for that's the place I know our hearts are truly safe. There within, in-between, as one we thrive and continue to grow.

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terrorandtales · 2 years

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Gentle Stream

Sweet Sunflower… Oh how beautiful you truly are… I’ve been able to slow myself down to admire your beauty. I count each petal steadily one by one. Wanting to always admire you. Taking my time to learn and study each golden blade that you’ve earned in this lifetime. Swirling, twirling, and whirling around the meadowlands of my universe has come to a slow waltz. Peacefully gliding through the woods following the Angels' heavenly tunes of love. I’ve slowed like the stream that flows through a quiet wood. Hearing the sweet rustling of the leaves. Feeling the gentle breeze that caresses my soft feathers. Smelling the sweet scents of moss, papayas, and lemons. I’m in my happy place. Nearing the heart of the in-between. Fluttering along this gentle brook I started to calm and relax into the familiar unknown. Following the sunshine that leads me to your bright golden rays. ”You’re my morning sunshine,” you’ve said sweetly. I’ll be the sunshine and you be the gorgeous sunflowers that make the world brighter. I want to hear your soul speak. I want to listen to understand you. My gaze and heart are transfixed. I’m not afraid to follow the stream that leads to you; to take this leap of faith. I already have… The moment I heard the tunes of the Universe I was hooked. My curiosity and yearning for gentleness motivating me to find you. I’m used to running away when things become too real, but with you my sweet Sunflower I want to revel within your vibrancy. I want each petal to touch my soul deeply. To admire and love you is a privilege. You have a natural way of making me feel grounded and safe. Your tender soul warms the edges of my weathered heart and I shall cherish every sweet golden blade. Even the ones that don’t reach the sun rays some days. I’ll water you, speak kindly to you, and nurture you as best as I can. This I promise you. Divine stardust blossoms with each smile, laugh, and twinkle of your eyes. Your presence alone helps to spread love. Fairy dust surrounds you and tickles my nose. Allowing me to slip back into my inner child. These golden rays have brought me to the soft mound of grass I’ve missed so much and there you are resting underneath my pink and orange Truffula tree that smells of papayas and lemons. My skin begins to glow again. My heart is warming from the inside out. I feel warmth, love, and wonder coursing through my being. My heart slows and our eyes lock. The skies around us shift into a kaleidoscope of greens, whites, and purple auroras. Shaped as beautiful people dancing to the tunes I can finally hear. This is where I want to be… With you, wrapped in your arms resting underneath the Truffula tree. Peace overcomes me; a faint smile comes across my lips once again and I fall into you, so deeply, I fall.

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terrorandtales · 2 years

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Whimsical Nightingale

Two beautiful souls fluttering about this world just so happened to land on the same branch at the same time. Though we knew the time would come to part ways we danced, sexed, laughed, and loved each other in the moments we had. Stolen glances and sweet whispered giggles escaped my lips the night we met. Our energies harmoniously melted together. Time seemed to slow as we locked in on each other. The night was ours. Your lips kissed and suckled every inch of my body. Soft gasps and moans escaped our mouths as we passionately moved as one. Eyes locked on one another with each deep stroke. Clinging to each other, bodies heated and slick with sweat. We wanted more and to explore every inch of pleasure the night had to offer. Understanding, gentleness, lust, and wonder-filled the air we breathed. We couldn’t get enough of each other. Between our lovemaking and ragged breathing, we shared many laughs and tender heart-to-heart conversations. Naked not only in our bed but our vulnerability stripped of pride and ego allowed us to sink deeply into the hazy evening. A night neither of us expected to happen but welcomed eagerly. Our sweet encounter was the fruition of tenderly living in the present moment. Nothing outside of our bed mattered. For those long hours, the world fell away and we fell deeply. Hopelessly clinging to one another, we climbed high and blissfully crashed into sweet ecstasy. Euphoric passion-filled us. Our bodies intertwined and tangled within the sheets. Your gentle smile and sweet kisses made me shy. My head would lie on your chest after each climax and I’d hear your heart start to calm and slow. My favorite place to be in those long hours. Wrapped in your arms. I traced every hard line of your body with my fingers as if I could memorize you forever. I’d peek up at you through my curly wild hair and our eyes would lock and my heart would begin to race. Without any words we’d fall into each other again; consumed by this profound sense of love/lust. In those moments I loved you with my body, my heart, and my words held meaning. In those long hours, I’ve never felt so feminine, soft, cherished, and seen. You asked questions not many have asked. You listened and were interested in me truly. The physicality of our evening was the cherry on top. Making love to you was a memory and moment in time that I will forever cherish. In those long hours, we could just exist. Time for once didn’t scare me because I knew we made the most of it. I do believe that we will see each other again. I feel it in every part of my being. We were drawn to one another immediately. Despite our physical attraction our spirits recognized and familiarized effortlessly. What a time we had. Dreamlike and magical. Love love love it flows and comes and goes. To which I don’t know, but I’ll keep fluttering along. For these sweet tunes of the stars have brought us together. Sweet and swift journeys my sweet Nightingale. Until next time…

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terrorandtales · 2 years

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The Hummingbirds Way…

I feel so light. I’m out of the clouds. Nearly breaking through and into the rays of the sweet sunshine. My beautiful feathers are ruffled no more. I zip and glide through the meadows of my echoed love. The stars are shining brightly. Guiding me back to the Truffela tree that waits for me. All the while the tunes of the Universe are playing in my head. Filling me with peace and warmth. Love love love it flows and comes and goes. Not to be kept, but to enjoy. Admire, revel in, to be felt deeply. Love love love it flows. From me to you. All around, without any sound. It fills me. Swells me. Lifts me. Guides me. Our hearts intertwined. Dancing with the stars alike. Love love love. I shall sing this song forever. I hear it loud and clear. I know the clouds will come again, but I’ll appreciate every moment of it while I have it. Not to be kept… but to enjoy. To be cherished. Sing to me Universe. Press into my heart. Lead me through the meadows of my love. “You are safe Mae.” Safe to love, to soar, to be… Love love love it flows and comes and goes. To which I don’t know, but I’ll keep fluttering along. Singing the tunes of the stars. For I am free to be and love all the me’s that make me, me…

#blackgirlmagic #blackgirlbloggers #journal #short story #dream journal #blackgirlsblog #short stories #angels #universe #guides #hummingbird #songs #life #i choose to be happy #living #peace #magical #love

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terrorandtales · 2 years

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The Little Things...

Today I'm missing the little things. Today I miss the way you'd roll over in your sleep and tell me you loved me before pulling me close. I'm missing how grumpy you'd be in the mornings. I miss how excited you'd get before working out and taking those awful pre-workout "scoopies". I miss the way you'd look at me when we were out at the grocery store because I knew as soon as we got home you'd make love to me. For whatever reason it would happen often. I miss the way you'd tackle me onto the bed and snuggle with me. I miss the weight of your body laying on top of mine. I miss your sweet lips and tender kisses. I miss how playful we could be with one another. Chasing each other around the apartment we shared. I miss candle shopping with you. I've only been able to do that once since we've parted ways. I miss dancing close to you and staring into your beautiful blue eyes. I love you so very much and I know I shouldn't. This probably isn't helping at all, but I have no where else to go with these thoughts. This is the closest I can get to you. The closest place I feel like is somewhat normal. As if I would ever send these. Tears brim my eyelids and threaten to spill over. Why do I miss you still? Is it true what they say? That it takes half the time to truly get over someone... because we're coming up on a year soon. My body, heart, mind, and soul feel the echoes of pain. My being has been mourning you. Every ounce of me feels the same pain I felt last year. Faint echoes of our lost love. This disdain is palpable. These past few weeks I've felt it more and more. This battle inside of me has tired my spirit. I don't want to miss you any longer. I don't want to ache for you. I don't want to love you as much as I do still, but here we are. I can't keep fighting it. I miss you. I love you, but I'll never have you again. This I know. This I must believe, because part of me still thinks I'll wake up from this year long dream and be in your arms again. I'll wake up and here you will be beside me whispering "I love you, Mae". Fantasies and careless whispers... I did wake up long ago, but I suppose I wish to dream and find you in those milkyway skies. I wish to fall asleep and find you in the in-between. I wish to hold you and love you forever.

#blackgirlmagic #blackgirlbloggers #journal #short story #dream journal #blackgirlsblog #short stories #angels #universe #guides #little things #moments #lost love #love story #love #my heart is aching #heartbreak #heartache #broken

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terrorandtales · 2 years

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Letters to a Past Love...

I love you. I've deleted all of our pictures... or so I thought. I still have our pictures from our first trip to Maine. We were so in love then. The world held so much promise and light for us. We weren't heavy with responsibilities, sadness, or vexed. We simply existed amongst the stars and mountains. I felt all of those flutters again and then a deep sadness washed over me. It'll be a year soon. 1 year that we've separated and gone our own ways. I still dream of you, of us, of the past. I still can feel your arms around me, hugging me, pulling me close. I can still feel your sweet tender lips pressed against mine. I love you. I miss you. In another lifetime I wish we could have a chance. I would do it all over again to be able to hold you one last time. To smell your sweet scent. I miss your laugh. Especially when it touched your eyes. Oh what a laugh you had. I wish I knew the last time would've been the last time. I would've held you a little while longer. My heart will never tire of loving you. I don't think I could ever stop. I no longer fight it. Some days I feel the weight of this sadness. I feel how much I truly miss you. "All I can do is cry" cry for you, for us, for what was. Silly for me to continue writing to you as if I'd ever send these. I doubt you'd even read them, and if you did you'd read them with a disgruntled heart. Coming here to write to you makes me feel better in some way. I tow the line of danger... one slip of a finger and off the messages could go. To an inbox that has blocked me perhaps or to a man that has no forgiveness in his heart for the woman he once loved. I love you. "Fool that I am" I wonder if you think of me sometimes. I wonder when I cross your mind, if ever, do you smile fondly at the memories that held brighter joys. I cringe at the darker memories time to time. I miss the way we danced in the tiny kitchen. I miss the way you'd poke fun at me for being silly. I miss the comfort I found within you. Today is a hard day, but tomorrow will be brighter. I needed to feel this and understand it. I love you. I hope you're well. I really do. I try to imagine you smiling and laughing. I imagine those bright ice blue eyes to be filled with life and love. I love you so much. I only wish happiness, good health, and love for you. I've loved you deeply. Now I mourn the love time to time, but I cherish it all. Take care sweet love. Bye love you bye.

#blackgirlmagic #blackgirlbloggers #journal #short story #dream journal #blackgirlsblog #short stories #heartbreak #broken #lost love #lost lovers #i miss you #breakup #my heart is aching #love #purelove

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