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otdiaftg · 8 months

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The Raven King - Chapter Seven

Day: Thursday, October 5th Time: 11:30 PM EST

"I mean literally soft. Too many curves, see? I feel like my hands would slide right off. It's totally not my thing. I like..." He drew a box with his fingers as he searched for words. "Erik. Erik's perfect. He's a total outdoors junkie, rock climbing and hiking and mountain biking, all that awful bug-infested fresh-air stuff. He's stronger than I am, and I like that. I feel like I could lean on him all day and he wouldn't break a sweat." "Funny," Nicky said. "That didn't used to be my type. None of the others I crushed on growing up were anything like that. Maybe that's why none of them could help me." Nicky turned his hands palm-up on the table and considered them. "My parents are kind of crazy, you know? There's religious and there's super psychotic religious. Me and Renee, we're the decent sort, I think. We go to different churches and have some different ideas, but we respect each other anyway. We understand that religion is just an interpretation of faith. But my parents are the black-and-white crazy kind. It's only right and wrong with them: hellfire and damnation and judgment from on high. "For some reason I tried coming out to them anyway," Nicky said. "Mom was pretty upset. She locked herself in the bedroom and cried and prayed for days. Dad took a more direct route and shipped me off to Christian gay camp. I spent a year learning that I was infected by a disgusting idea from the devil, that I was a living test for every other good Christian on the planet. They tried using God to shame me into being straight. "It didn't work," Nicky said. "For a while I wished it did. I went home feeling like an abomination and a failure. I couldn't face my parents like that, so I lied. I pretended to be straight for the rest of high school. I even dated a couple girls. I kissed a couple of them, but I used my faith as an excuse never to get further than first base. I knew I just had to keep it together until graduation. "I hated my life so much," Nicky said. "I couldn't do that, you know? I couldn't live a lie like that day after day. I felt trapped. Some days I thought God abandoned me; sometimes I thought I failed Him. Halfway through my junior year I started thinking about suicide. Then my German teacher took me aside and told me about a study abroad program. She would set it all up for me, she said, if my parents would sign off on it. She'd handle admissions and get a host family and everything. It'd be expensive, but she thought I needed a change in scenery. Guess she knew I was that close to the edge. "I didn't think Mom and Dad would go for it, but they were so proud of me for my so-called recovery they agreed to let me go my senior year. I just had to last another semester and then I could go. I was so desperate to get out of there I didn't even really pay attention when Aaron and Aunt Tilda moved to Columbia that spring. All I cared about was keeping it together until May. I know now I should have tried harder, but I would've been no good to him how I was. "When the plane took off from Columbia, I was scared to death," Nicky said. "I was so relieved to leave my parents and everyone I knew, but I didn't know if being in Germany would change anything. When I landed, my new host brother was waiting for me in Arrivals. Erik Klose," Nicky said, sounding it out like he was saying it for the first time. "He taught me to believe in myself. He showed me how to balance my faith and my sexuality, and he made me okay again. I know it sounds dramatic, but he saved my life." Nicky flipped his hands over and laced his fingers together. The look he turned on Neil was as reassuring as it was worried and made Neil want to edge away. "That's what love is about, see? That's why Exy isn't ever going to be enough, not for you or Andrew or anyone. It can't hold you up, and it won't make you a stronger or better person."

Art used with permission by Kurra. Thank you @kurra !

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perspectivestarters · 2 months

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Perspective's Sentence Starters; The Tortured Poets Department by Taylor Swift (Part IV)

I LOOK IN PEOPLE'S WINDOWS

I had died the tiniest death.

I spied the catch in your breath.

I'm afflicted by the not knowing.

I look in people's windows.

They have their friends over to drink nice wine.

I look in people's windows in case you're at their table.

What if your eyes looked up and met mine one more time?

I still ponder what it meant.

I triеd searching faces on streets.

What are the chances you'd be downtown?

Does it feel alright to not know me?

I'm addicted to the "if only".

I look in people's windows like I'm some deranged weirdo.

THE PROPHECY

It's gone again.

I got cursed like Eve got bitten.

Was it punishment?

I guess a lesser woman would've lost hope.

A greater woman wouldn't beg.

I've been on my knees.

Change the prophecy.

Don't want money, just someone who wants my company,

Let it once be me.

Who do I have to speak to about if they can redo the prophecy?

Still I dream of him.

I sound like an infant.

A greater woman stays cool.

I howl like a wolf at the moon.

I look unstable.

Gathered with a coven 'round a sorceress' table.

A greater woman has faith.

Even statues crumble if they're made to wait.

I'm so afraid I sealed my fate.

Spending my last coin so someone will tell me it'll be okay.

CASSANDRA

That's where I was when I got the call.

In the streets, there's a raging riot.

Burn the bitch.

When the truth comes out, it's quiet.

They killed *Name* first 'cause she feared the worst

They filled my cell with snakes.

Do you believe me now?

I was in my tower weaving nightmares.

What doesn't kill you makes you aware.

What happens if it becomes who you are?

They set my life in flames.

They knew the whole time that I was onto something.

The family, the pure greed, the Christian chorus line.

They all said nothing.

Blood's thick but nothing like a payroll.

Bet they never spared a prayer for my soul.

You can mark my words that I said it first.

In the morning warning, no one heard.

That's where I was when I lost it all.

I was onto something.

Not a single word was heard.

PETER

My lost fearless leader.

Is it something I did?

The goddess of timing once found us beguiling.

She said she was trying.

Was she lying?

I didn't wanna come down.

I thought it was just goodbye for now.

You said you were gonna grow up.

Are you still a mind reader?

I've heard great things.

Life was always easier on you than it was on me.

Sometimes it gets me.

We both did the best we could do.

I didn't wanna hang around.

I won't confess that I waited, but I let the lamp burn.

I hoped you'd return.

Tell me all that you'd learned.

Love's never lost when perspective is earned.

You said you'd come and get me.

The shelf life of those fantasies has expired.

Forgive me, *Name*, please know that I tried.

I tried to hold on to the days when you were mine.

The woman who sits by the window has turned out the light.

THE BOLTER

She almost drowned when she was six in frigid water.

I can confirm she made a curious child.

Reviled by everyone except her own father.

Splendidly selfish, charmingly helpless.

Excellent fun 'til you get to know her.

She runs like it's a race.

Her best mates laughed and they nicknamed her "The Bolter".

Oh, we must stop meeting like this.

It always ends up with a town car speeding out the drive one evening.

He'll call her a whore

As she was leaving, it felt like breathing.

All her fuckin' lives flashed before her eyes.

It feels like the time she fell through the ice, then came out alive.

He was a cad, wanted her bad.

She liked the way he tastes.

At first blush, this is fate.

What a charming Saturday.

She just knows she must bolt.

She's been many places with men of many faces.

Hearts are hers for the breakin'.

She's got the best stories.

As she was leaving, it felt like freedom.

ROBIN

Long may you reign.

You're an animal.

You are bloodthirsty

You have no idea.

All this showmanship to keep it for you in sweetness.

Way to go, tiger.

Long may you roar.

You're a just ruler.

You look ridiculous and you have no idea.

Buried down deep and out of your reach, the secret we all vowed to keep.

You got the dragonflies above your bed.

You have a favorite spot on the swing set.

You have no room in your dreams for regrets.

You have no idea.

The time will arrive for the cruel and the mean.

You'll learn to bounce back just like your trampoline.

But now we'll curtail your curiosity in sweetness.

THE MANUSCRIPT

Now and then she rereads the manuscript of the entire torrid affair.

I'm not a donor but I'd give you my heart if you needed it.

You're a professional.

No, just a good samaritan.

If the sex was half as good as the conversation was, soon they'd be pushin' strollers.

Soon it was over.

She wished she was thirty..

Couldn't sleep unless it was in her mother's bed.

She dated boys who were her own age.

She was so wise beyond her years.

Everything had been above board.

The years passed like scenes of a show.

The Professor said to write what you know.

Lookin' backwards might be the only way to move forward.

The actors were hitting their marks.

The slow dance was alight with the sparks.

At last, she knew what the agony had been for.

The only thing that's left is the manuscript.

One last souvenir from my trip to your shores.

The story isn't mine anymore.

#rp sentence starters #rp sentence meme #rp sentence prompts #sentence starters #sentence meme #sentence prompts #lyric sentence starters #lyric starters #music starters #rp meme #rp memes #rp prompts #ask meme #exodusmusing #*mystarters #*ttpd

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elisysd · 9 months

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4. Vultures spinning up above for what's left of me

Masterlist - Previously - Next

It was a nightmare. It couldn’t be true. Ethan felt like living in a haze, he could feel his heart beating loudly as if it wanted to jump out of his chest. He wanted to throw up. He had always been careful and responsible. It couldn’t happen. It just couldn’t. It was impossible. He was trying to remember who that girl was but he had no idea. There came a time when, for him, all girls looked alike. Did it make him look like an insensitive asshole? Maybe. Did he care? A part of him did. A tiny, tiny, little part. But a part that was not big enough to make him want to change. It was not his fault if girls came to him and flirted. Who was he to refuse the attention? But he had always been clear with them. They shouldn’t expect anything else from him other than a good night of sex. That was it. He didn’t have anything else to offer. His job was too important for him to throw it all away for a girl. He didn’t know how to love someone, nor did he want to learn. It was just not for him. And he was okay with it.

“Ethan, do you hear me? Are you still here?” his agent asked him.

“Yeah… yeah. I’m still there.”

“I was saying that we should release a statement. What do you think?”

“No. It would give credit to the story and it’s the last thing I want. Maybe if we wait and let the storm passes through, it will die down.”

“I’m not sure Ethan… It could really tarnish your reputation.”

“But she is lying! I know she is. I’m a lot of things, but I’m not stupid enough to forget about protection.”

“If we don’t do anything, it’s going to be a mess with the media…”

“Let it be.”

It was his final decision. He was used to tabloids anyway. How bad could that be? But if Ethan was not scared of the media, he was scared of another person in his life. As he was about to board on his flight for Qatar, the name of his mother appeared on the screen.

“Ethan Christian Verstappen! You have some serious explaining to do!” Kat Verstappen screamed aver the phone, making Ethan pulling the phone away from his ear.

“I guess you see the rumour…”

“Don’t tell me I’m going to be a grandmother soon. I’m too young for that!”

“I promise you, you won’t. That girl is lying. I met her once; we had fun and that’s it.”

“How many times did we tell you, with your dad, that your antics would get you in trouble one day? You never listened. If you settled down, the issue would be fixed!”

“I don’t want to settle down, mom.” sighed Ethan.

There was a silence on the other side of the line.

“What does she want, if she is lying, then?”

“I don’t know. Maybe she is salty about the fact that I don’t want a relationship and she is trying to manipulate me to destabilize me? I don’t know… It’s fucked up, mom.”

“But what if she is not lying?”

“You didn’t raise me to be a coward. I would take my part of responsibilities. But it won’t come down to this. I promise that she is lying. You have to believe me. I need to know that you and dad believe me and that I have you in my corner.”

He was expecting his mom to answer but it was his dad voice that he hear.

“I’m going to call my lawyer. If this girl wants to mess with us, we are going to show her that she chose the wrong family.” said Max.

And Ethan knew it would all be okay.

The flight to Qatar allowed him to sleep a little, he was feeling exhausted after all the events of the last twenty-four hours. And he needed to recharge his batteries before the weekend. He was dreading the press conference. He didn’t want to go since he knew how his story was blowing up in the press. He just hoped it would all die down soon. But fate had sometimes its twisted ways and as soon as he landed, he received a text from his team principal asking him to come by to the hospitality as soon as possible. And seeing the tone of the text, Ethan knew he was fucked.

When he finally arrived, he was expecting the meeting to be a short one with only a few people. He was not expecting to see the whole team of media officers not only from Maserati but from Lamborghini as well. He sat at the opposite of the table, feeling like a prisoner waiting for the final court decision. Ashley, the Maserati PR officer showed him silently the different front pages of tabloids as well as her laptop where were displayed thousands of tweets. Ethan gulped. It was no good.

“And that’s just the top of the iceberg, Ethan.” she said when he finished to read everything.

“Because there are more than my entire reputation and name being dragged out in the mud?”

“Can you stop being selfish for once, Ethan? You are not the only one that has to deal with the aftermath of the scandal. Montorelli is threatening us to back down from the sponsorship agreement if sanctions are not taken. Not only them, but a few others brands as well because they don’t want to be associated to us if you are still there.”

It didn’t take long for Ethan to understand what they were implying.

“You want to fire me?”

“We can’t. That would create more drama than it’s already the case, considering who your father is…”

“So what? What are you going to do about it?”

“The question is what are YOU going to do about it, Ethan? We talked a bit about it and we think we have a solution.”

Ethan didn’t like where it was going, but he sucked it up and listened to what they had to say.

“Listen, everyone loves a good bad boy redemption, right? So we were thinking of finding a nice girl, maybe a model, someone cute and friendly that people could relate to. A girl next door. And it would bring more sponsors and different ones, that could be good for us.”

“I don’t want to fake date anyone.”

“You don’t have the choice, Ethan. The situation is bad.”

He sighed, taking his head between his hands. It was a nightmare; he was going to wake up.

“And what about Carla? Is she really pregnant? What are we going to do about her?”

“We are going to find out the truth, don’t worry. We will keep you up to date as soon as we have info. So, now that it is settled, we thought about some girls…”

“No. If I have to do this, I want to at least choose the poor girl that is going to get dragged into it.”

It didn’t really seem to please the team but Ethan didn’t care. They ended up accepting, giving him a week to come with a plan or they would not give him the choice. Ethan agreed and left the meeting room with a pounding headache.

Most of the questions directed to him were mentioning his recent scandal. As hard as he tried to ignore them and saying that he was not there to talk about it and that it was not the right time, they kept coming at him to the point that he was seriously fed up.

“I would appreciate if we could talk about something else, like the race. My lawyers are doing their jobs to solve this thing. I just know that I didn’t do anything wrong, so I know that the truth will come out sooner or later.”

Of course, it was all what the paddock was talking about and Julia couldn’t ignore it. Wherever she was going, she could hear Ethan’s name being whispered. Even if she wanted to ignore them, she couldn’t. She managed to find, Romy on the Thursday, just after she was done with her interviews. She was sipping on an ice-tea, her sunglasses resting on the top of her straight blond hair. As soon as she saw Julia she smiled brightly and waved at her. Julia sat next to her and and put on the table her phone and her badge.

‘So how does it feel to be back in a paddock?” Romy asked her.

“It feels good! A lot of work to do but I’m excited about it.”

“Yeah, I saw that the Skoda was not performing well…”

“That’s a way to put it nicely. The car is shit; you can say it.”

“I don’t want to offend you.”

Julia shrugged, playing with her bottle. They kept on talking a little, catching up on what they were both doing and how Romy was feeling now that the season had started. Even if she was now starting her third year, just like Ethan, at Audi, she was still victim of way too many misogynistic remarks from journalists but from other teams as well. She could try her best to downplay them and act as if it wasn’t hurting her, Julia knew better. For most of the paddock, Romy was there only because of her last name and because Sebastian had pushed for her to have a seat when he accepted the role of Team Principal. Rumour had it that he even threaten Audi to refuse, if she wasn't there. So for many, Romy didn’t deserve to be here even though she fought nails and teeth to get where she was.

From the corner of her eyes, she could see Ethan and a bunch of other people that she supposed were a part of the media team.

“How much in trouble do you think Ethan is?” Julia asked.

“Big trouble from what I have heard. Poor Ethan, he doesn’t deserve that.”

“Poor Ethan? Are you for real? I’d say that something like that was bound to happen. I’m surprised it took so long.”

“I’m sure he is innocent. He might be stupid and a bit of an ass sometimes but he is also loyal. I don’t think he would be the type to abandon a child and the mother if it was true. So if he says that it’s not true, I believe him.”

“Not really convinced.”

“You are biased Julia… You hate his guts. It has always been this way, for as long as I can remember. I don’t even know when it all started exactly.”

Julia took a moment to think about it. If she was honest with herself, she didn’t remember either. She only knew that it had always been this way.

“It’s like that, anyway. We don’t like each other it won’t change.”

Julia knew that the cars wouldn’t achieve a miracle during the race. Her only hope was that they could both finish the race without any technical issues but even that was apparently too much to ask. A problem with the engine forced both of the Skoda to retire early during the race and it was needless to say that Wilhelm was furious. He was so angry that no one dared to move or even breath in his direction, to scared to be the target of his wrath. Julia was trying to not care about him and was focusing on the screen in front of her, trying to see what they could extract from the data when she felt him approaching her.

“You’re useless.”

“Sorry?” she said, taken aback by how rude his tone sounded like.

“Why did we hire you, if at the end of the day your dad can’t even provide us with good engines? You were supposed to be an addition to this team because of your connection with Ferrari and all of that for what? We can’t even finish a race!”

“It’s not my fault. If you can’t make a viable car, it’s your problem. I’m here to help improving it but I was not part of the making process.”

“Listen Julia. You are nothing in this team. You just started and don’t think for one second that we hire you, a girl, for your engineering skills. The only thing that made you stand out from other candidates was your last name, so we could potentially get some help from Maranello.”

It hurt. It shouldn’t but it did. Everyone was looking at her, Niels and Noah included. It was not this way that she planned on telling them about her father, if even she was planning on telling them. It seemed like no matter how hard she tried, no matter how much effort she was putting into making people forget about her father, they couldn’t see past it. She was feeling tears prickling behind her eyelids and she stood up, excusing herself. She needed some air.

“Hey, Julia…” she turned around to see Niels approaching her carefully. “I just wanted to tell you that it was not nice. What happened inside.”

“Do you mean, the misogyny, the belittling or the humiliation?” she sniffled.

“All of that, I guess. I didn’t know that Charles was your dad….”

“Does it change something?”

“Well, no. Of course not. It’s just that now I feel a bit stupid about telling you that my dream team was Ferrari and with my fanboy moment about your dad. Sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

“I’m used to that, Niels don’t worry. I’m way past it.” she reassured him.

“Good to know. I hope you know that whatever Wilhelm said, it was not true. Everyone can see that you are hard-working and you are the only one who cared about what it felt like to be in the car and to drive that car. If he was giving you the time and space to grow and to improve, you would be a valuable member of the team.”

“Thank you Niels, that’s really nice of you to say.”

“We were thinking of going to a bar tonight with Noah to drown our sorrows in a few shots of vodka. Want to join us?”

She nodded. It would do her good and maybe she could actually try to make some friends. Niels was a nice guy.

“I can see that you are a bit sad and I don’t like seeing people sad. Can I give you a hug? I’m a huger.” he asked.

She half-smiled and opened her arms for him and he didn’t hesitate to squeeze her.

They met later in the lobby of the hotel to go to a bar near it. It was a VIP place, something Julia was not used too. She had never been a party girl and she started to regret to have said yes. But it was too late now. When they walked in, Noah spotted immediately Kyle and Ludwig that were there too and decided to go to them. Soon after, Julia recognised Ethan with them and gulped. She quickly pulled out her phone and sent a quick text to Romy as a SOS to ask her to join her. She knew that the Schumacher would never said no to a party. Even more if Julia was there.

Ethan wanted to forget this day and if he was being totally honest, he wanted to wipe out this week from his memory. Pretend it never existed so he could go back to his old ways and life. He sighed and tensed up when he saw Julia approaching his table. She definitely was the last person he wanted to see. He wanted to enjoy a night out with his friend without feeling judged by little miss perfect.

He ended up P15 which was his worst position ever. He din’t even listen to his team when he got out of the car and skipped the meeting. He did his best with staying polite to the press while wishing he was somewhere else. So here he was, in a bar, a place he would have loved to be just a week ago but right now, he was not having fun. As Julia was taking place at the table opposite of him, he made it clear that she was annoying him. He snorted before drinking a gulp of his whiskey and Julia, clearly hearing him, rolled her eyes.

Ludwig who was sitting right next to Ethan noticed the interaction. He was vaguely remembering her but failed to pinpoint the exact moment they had met in the past.

“I feel like we met, before, no? I’m Ludwig by the way, but everyone call me Lud.” he asked her.

“Maybe you’ve seen me around, I work for Skoda.”

“Yeah? That’s why you’re here with Noah and Niels, I guess then. So, what made you want to work in F1?”

“Well, I’ve been following the sport for quite some time now and I guess that it came naturally. I mean, I’ve always known that this is what I wanted to do.”

Ethan leaned against his chair, playing with his glass, before looking at her straight in the eyes.

“What she is failing to mention is that daddy is Ferrari Team Principal, so it helped. Right, Joolsie?”

“Shit, you’re Charles Leclerc’s daughter?” exclaimed Ludwig making everyone looking at her.

If a look could kill, Ethan would be six feet under by now.

“But why are you working at Skoda and not Ferrari, then?” asked Kyle, mingling in the conversation.

“Maybe I don’t want to? Maybe I want to deserve to work there and not have the easy access, like some people.” she snapped, staring at Ethan.

Fortunately for her, Romy arrived and all eyes were on her when she sat down loudly next to Julia and hailed a waiter to bring her his strongest drink.

“P4! P fucking 4! Fucking Ferrari! Fucking Martin and his nasty overtake! I could have won if it were not from him overtaking me like that! We all know that he should have gotten a penalty, it was not fair to squeeze me between the barrier like that!”

“Beware Schumy, we have a Ferrari spy, she is going to tell everything to daddy.” said Ethan.

“Can’t you just shut up, for once in your life?”

“Okay, kids… we are all collectively taking a deep breath and try to enjoy the night.” came Noah between them to try to avoid making the situation worse than it already was.

The next hour was boring for Julia. Romy was busy flirting with Kyle, while Noah and Niels were playing pool. The asked her she wanted to join but she preferred declining the invite, not being a fan of the game. As Ethan was talking to Ludwig, she felt alone. She excused herself and went to Romy, telling her she was going back to the hotel, to which the blonde nodded, way too occupied with the Lamborghini first driver. She waved slightly in direction Ludwig who was busy trying to cheer Ethan up as the young man was still brooding, complaining about the race and the scandal.

“Of course.” he exclaimed as he was seeing her leave the bar.

“What?”

“What about Julia?”

“Julia? What are you talking about, mate?” Ethan laughed, not understanding what his friend was trying to say.

“The PR relationship? What about Julia? It’s perfect.”

“I won’t fake date Julia, Lud.” groaned Ethan.

“But think about it! You hate her guts and she feels the same. No reason for her or you to fall in love and end up with a broken heart in the middle of the process.And it makes sense from a marketing point of view! You are Ethan Verstappen, only son of a legend of his sport. She is Charles’ daughter, the one who restored Ferrari glory! Two legends! The fight between them on tracks, we grew up watching them! They are iconic! You guys are basically royalty and you know that the media eat that type of shit! They love that! Imagine the PR.”

Ethan took a minute to think about it. On paper it looked great, he had to admit it but there would be no way, they would achieve to make it believable for the rest of the world.

“She would never agree.”

“Never say never, there must be something that could make her change her mind, no?”

“She hates me.”

“Ethan, do you want to lose your seat next year or do you want to fight to keep it?”

“Of course I want to fight!”

“Then, you know my idea is the best you’ll get.”

It hurt him to admit it, really it bruised his ego, but Ludwig was right. Julia might be his only hope if he wants to keep everything, he fought so hard to get. But now, he had to find a way to convince her to get onboard and he knew it wouldn’t be easy.

Author's note: So.... what do you think Ethan will do? Do you think Julia will agree ? What do you think about the other characters?

I can't wait to read your thoughts about it, so don't hesitate to leave a comment or an ask, as well as reblogging and leaving a like. It helps a lot for the story to find its audience. I also have a taglist for this story, so if you want to be added so you never miss a chapter, let me know.

Taglist:

@herondalism @aundercover @musingsbyshreya @karmabyfernando @reengard @mycenterfold @smoooothoperator

#writing #fiction #charles leclerc #max verstappen #charles leclerc fanfic #max verstappen fanfic #f1 story #f1 fic #f1 x reader #f1 imagine #f1 fanfic #f1 x oc

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lawbreaker13 · 1 month

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This is the anon from the last two weeks the Jewish Palestine supporter. I still can’t believe you’re actually still falling for this propaganda and it’s actually sad. Firstly did you not see the videos of Israel settlement supporters shouting slurs at people including other Jewish people protesting. Secondly are we going to ignore the fact that yes antisemitism is happening at a large scale but so is anti Palestinian rhetoric as well. Another thing I noticed is how you deny the existence of apartheid in Israel but they literally have segregated roads and more not to mention https://www.amnesty.org/en/latest/campaigns/2022/02/israels-system-of-apartheid/ https://www.hrw.org/report/2021/04/27/threshold-crossed/israeli-authorities-and-crimes-apartheid-and-persecution not to mention there’s actual videos of Palestinians and even other Muslims going to the settlement and getting discriminated against. Also again are we ignoring the video evidence of people going out of their way to be violent to protestors wanting change and then cutting videos to make it look like they’re the aggressors. I’m sorry your family is experiencing antisemitism but to act like you’re getting worse than the people overseas is highly narcissistic too, seriously did we just forget the other atrocities Israel has done¿

NO ONE SAID WORSE. NO ONE SAID PALESTINIANS ARE IN A GOOD PLACE RIGHT NOW. WHY ARE YOU “OKAY, BUT”-ING THE DEATH THREATS THAT I AM RECEIVING FOR BEING BORN A JEW?

Segregated roads do not exist in Israel. Are you talking about the Jerusalem quarters? The place in the center of Jerusalem that has designated areas of history, food, and prayer for Muslims, Jews, Christians, and Armenians? That’s not segregated nor is it exclusive. Or are you talking about some single individual person who is racist and for some reason represents the entire country of Israel?

It is not just my family experiencing antisemitism. It’s people I knew in high school who have been run off their campuses and forced to finish their semesters remotely. It’s the Columbia student who was stabbed with a Palestinian flag and the other Columbia student whose room was set on fire. It’s converts I know who were murdered.

Why are YOU ignoring the video and photographic evidence of people saying “Hitler was right,” “death 2 Jews,” and “kill Jews,” all supposedly in the name of Palestine? Did YOU not see the video of the protestors chanting about, and I quote, “murdering all Zionists?” Do you know how many Jews would die if we murdered all the Zionists? 13.5 million. But I guess it’s ok because you would be spared, right?

What makes you so immune to propaganda? When was the last time you actively sought out a conversation with someone with a differing opinion from yours? And listened? And attempted to learn? And allowed your perspective to be altered?

And stop telling me this is overseas. To YOU, this is a faraway land overseas. This is not overseas to me. This is where my family lives. This is a place I have been and explored on my own and with others, Jews, Muslims, and Christians. You have never seen the conflict firsthand. All the more reason you shouldn’t be speaking about it.

I receive SO much more sympathy from actual Palestinians than I ever do from “activists.” Crazy concept. Stop calling everyone liars, and let people speak for themselves.

Why are you hiding behind anon?

#Israel #Antisemitism #Asks #Personal #Mine

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decolonize-the-left · 1 year

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Just curious. Would kids that grew up in a cult be considered third culture as well? Or do TCK’s have another layer of disconnect/a different type of disconnect?

I grew up being told that the culture around me was hostile and evil. That I am from the “world,” but not “of” it. I’m white (Anglo and Scottish), my family’s ideology was somewhat similar yet radically different than the people I met in everyday life. Learning that I grew up in a cult, learning that my way of life wasn’t normal and transitioning to the new normal of the culture around me was extremely difficult, traumatizing, and I still feel like an outsider to the mainstream culture sometimes. Growing up like that was alienating and no matter what I’ll always have some sort of disconnect with the people around me. I feel like my childhood was taken away from me, once I transitioned to public school I felt separate from my classmates in terms of shared cultural experience (could be the autism though, although obv the cult upbringing played a significant part in that feeling).

But I guess what I’m asking is even if kids weren’t missionary kids, could the subculture of evangelical Christianity by itself be enough to count as a “third culture?” Or would that be a different sociological context with a (possibly) different name? I’m asking cause as a white person my experience is very different than someone who was ripped away from their ethnicity, or moved to different countries as a kid for either military or missionary reasons, even though I feel alienated from whatever culture I’m supposed to call my own. Evangelicalism was what I knew but it wasn’t meant for me (I am on tumblr and I’m queer and autistic after all), whatever culture there was outside the church doors was unknown to me except for what my teachers and pastors fearmongered about. And when I had to step into that world (they couldn’t bubble me up and shelter me forever after all), I was totally alone and afraid within this new culture and had to learn it and adapt to it by myself.

It's not my place to regulate what experiences you are allowed to relate to and find reassurance by.

That said, I've always viewed the bible as a tool of oppressors. A means of erasing what was there before and replacing it with beliefs and behaviors that white supremacy finds more palatable. I believe if you feel robbed by the church then you probably were. They do converts and missionary trips for a reason you know? Conversion and colonization is still happening and they still use that book to do it. That's still it's purpose.

And also "cultural Christianity" is certainly a thing, it's easier to notice within places like the US where it's so dominant and aggressively pushed.

I mean good and evil with no in between (Americans hate nuance don't they?), that sinning (crime) means ppl "deserve" bad things (like police brutality or prison or death), constant surveillance under the eye of....the state, purity culture stems from it, etc.

It absolutely is its own culture and unlearning that is Hard.

If you need me to say it? Yeah in my opinion it counts. You get it.

That's what happened to us too.

#bye gonna go cry cuz this is how my grandma felt after being at the boarding school and then coming home to a culture she didnt know #asked #answered #decolstw

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lovelywhiteroses · 6 months

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z and Mc bonfire Christmas 🎄 trees just for entertainment purposes. (Mc has a rocky feeling from xmas and capitalism)

✨🌹Hm how interesting. I’ll be sure to make this for you dear Anon.🌹✨

Z never got the point of Christmas. All he knew it was apart of Christian beliefs. He was obviously not fond over Christianity, however he noticed you looked a bit worried. He knew that you weren’t much into believing in god, though some people persist on their beliefs, you tend to stray away from it. There were always some Christians also judge you and Z from afar, some of them encountered you and him and even try and ‘save you and him’ from ‘straying away from the path of god.’ Of course Z got angry at them even trying but you knew if people knew he was actually a real demon, there would be… consequences… thankfully you would convince them that some of them do that. Meanwhile some are actually decent. You always worried about what Z thought of the holiday. Though you weren’t strong on the belief of god, but you liked celebrating it. In fact you hoped they would feel the same feeling you get every year it comes around, but you’re too scared to ask. What if he gets angry? What if he won’t celebrate with you? All thought of something bad that would possibly happen. Z was and always was able to sense emotions. And when it’s from you he doesn’t seem to know what’s happening. That’s because his ability to sense the emotions doesn’t necessarily mean he knows exactly what’s going on through your head. He never truly understood human emotions. But with your help he gain only a bit of understanding. But in this case not so much. Hence why they sought to make you feel better. You would be back from work, you would be in your apartment when you noticed the box where you kept a small Christmas tree. You didn’t put it up yet due to thinking if you did Z would get the wrong impression on things. That’s when you felt a pair of hands on your face. “Guess who~” you chuckled a bit. ��Hey Z.” You turn to him as he gave you his usual cocky smile. “I’ve noticed you’ve been down recently. And I know you don’t want me to burn stuff down, so I began to think-.” You laughed a bit. “Wow. The powerful demon can think.” You said with sarcasm, thankfully you taught him about how sarcasm works and he understands you mean your comment as a joke. “Hehe! Yeah. But anyways. I’ve thought!” He paused for somewhat of a dramatic effect. “How about a bonfire tonight? You know get rid of all those pesky sticks outside.” You thought for a moment and it doesn’t sound like a bad idea. “I guess you can call it a Christmas bonfire if you will.” You were caught off guard for a second. “Wait you knew about-.” Z frowned a bit. “Human, I’ve been around ever since humans walked. Also some sinners in hell talk about it. But what’s the problem?” You sigh and crossed your arms. “I guess I just.. thought since most of the reason for Christmas was about celebrating you know.. you would be against it..” it took Z a couple of seconds but it then all clicked. Everything now made sense as to why you were feeling so down lately. “Human.. is that why you looked so down recently? Cause you thought I wouldn’t wanna celebrate with you?” Looked at the floor and then you him and nod. Z felt glad you thought of his feelings but he never wanted you to worried about something you liked to do every year. Z may not like the fact that the holiday was made upon Christian beliefs but it doesn’t have to include praying to a god that hates them. He then hugged you trying to comfort you. Though he still doesn’t get human emotions he still tries to learn. “It doesn’t always have to be about Christian stuff. If anything, I’ve learned that we can just enjoy it regardless of those beliefs or not. Sorry if I made you worry though.” You could feel a rush of relief and joy from hearing that. You hugged them back glad you don’t have to worry anymore. Z could sense this and he smiled. “Now C’mon! Those branches aren’t going to burn themselves!” He said as you you then laughed at how excited he was just to burn some sticks and branches. Thankfully the fire wasn’t too big. After that you finally put up your little Christmas tree.

This year feel more magical somehow, more than ever before ♥️🖤

✨🌹Have a lovely Christmas dear anon. Sorry this took so long. I ran into a writers block. Thankfully I’ve gotten my motivation back.🌹✨

#scenarios #scenarios writing #writing scenarios #favorvn

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noblehcart · 6 months

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i know i know no one really cares, but like for all the hype Journ.ey to Bethle.hem is getting for their songs and for Milo and the fun campy-ness....can we PLEASE just talk about Joel Sm.allbone as Antipater??

Like, while it sooo wasn't necessary to the plot, it was so gripping to me? IDK I just really attached to his character most because I love the complexity of the role. Trying to be a good son, soldier, and learning to be a future (roman-jewish) ruler whilst keeping in mind the looming beast above them that is the fuckin Roman Empire. What is the line to upholding the legitimacy of his /father's reign, following the orders of a higher order (Rome/God) and what is just plain wrong- like murdering pregnant women and infants in the face of all that? Antipater deals with a lot and I just loved seeing his internal conflict in his song 'In My Blood'.

Never been anything But your loyal son Been a good soldier Followed your orders Never questioning you once You're all I wanted to be But now it's all unraveling There's blood on my hands Don't know if I am A monster or the son of a king

I truly feel like Mary and Antipater were the only ones actually played as a serious role for obvious reasons and I think were the best actors tbh, but IDK I just really loved these two. They had phenomenal chemistry imo, but that's me because I wanted so badly to see this extended in some form or another and maybe because in so many ways it didn't feel like a christian movie so my brain kept thinking what's the next in the series? What's next for Antipater? Which in of itself is conflicting as a believer because I know what I believe and to feel unsatisfied with it is ....-gestures- anyways that's not what this is about.

I do know I have a TYPE and it is Antipater, but I do think Joel did wonderfully in the role, and he has acted in other movies as well and had his music featured in other movies like Ben Hur (2016). He is a fantastic singer I just loooove his group 'For King and Country'. Go check out THIS music video and tell me its not gripping.

I guess my other thing about this is KNOWING that the writers fully well knew what happened to the actual Antipater, firstborn to Herod, and so to tie this in just WRECKED me emotionally because it unsayingly says that he dies in the end and the resignation just destroyed me. Historically, Antipater is charged & executed for the intended murder of his father Herod. I found this section in Wikipedia and wow

Concerning Antipater's execution following on the heel of Herod's executions a couple of years before of his sons Alexander and Aristobulus, it would be recounted in the compendium Saturnalia (compiled by Macrobius) that Augustus remarked "It is better to be Herod's pig than his son."

So for me knowing all that on top of watching (skimming) the movie just wrecked me for Antipater and his role here. So yeah that's my two cents and love for the character and his storyline in the film. I'd love to write something fictional with a similar tone because I really want to see it explored more.

I don't think I have said it anywhere before on the blog, but I am a non-denominational Christian with very open views to many things, beliefs and concepts. So if anyone has any questions on whatever regarding that please feel free to hmu I'd love to discuss it with you <3 I do not believe in bible thumping- that is not what I'm here to do. I believe there's many ways to God and the universe and that we're all entitled to find and discover that in whatever manner is best fitting for you.

#// ooc

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sebastianshaw · 1 year

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I decided to do the questions *I* want from THIS FANTASTIC X-MEN ASK MEME by @katatonicimpression instead of reblogging it, because I know which ones I want to answer/have an answer for and which ones I don’t, so here’s a bunch of X-opinions! 2. The best thing about the Krakoa era is....? Absolutely having characters together that would just otherwise never interact, or never interact in a non-battle context. It’s such fantastic fuel for dynamics and development that could probably not happen in any other setting. This is added to with the “bringing people back” aspect, which I also really like, for the same reason---it makes for stories and interactions that just couldn’t be done in anything else before. 6. What's the funniest retcon? Shinobi’s paternity. I hate it, yeah, but it’s also so hilarious because Duggan wanted SO BAD to remove all Shaw’s connections that he for real fucking wrote Shaw, whom he otherwise really wants to demonize, as choosing to take on a child as his that he knew very well might not be at all. Like. No. No, that’s so wrong it’s actually FUNNY. It’s stupid and I dislike it for a lot of reasons, but it’s also just HILARIOUS. It could be he was trying to give Shaw some kind of complexity, and while I do think he did make an attempt with that in other issues, here I think it’s more that Duggan seems to think it’s “boys vs girls” with his cast and Shaw, being our sexist villain, would always help another man out (which, ok, it is Harry, but) I also cannot prove this or base it on anything, but I really truly believe that he wanted to put in that Shaw’s actually impotent or infertile, and just wasn’t allowed to. It seems like his brand of “feminist” dudebro writing that shoots down evil sexist men using....sexism, like when Kate calls him a bitch, which is cool when she does it but bad when he does it, because it’s not using the term “bitch” is sexist, it’s just who uses it! Just like how his Emma is a “feminist” who uses a ton of gendered insults in the second issue to refer to some hypothetical woman she thinks Shaw is sleeping with. But yeah, the one time he writes Shaw being anything other than a strawman, it’s still THE MOST WILDLY OOC THING POSSIBLE and I just have to laugh at that point. Runners up: - Sinister was originally intended to be the projection or creation of a mutant child, albeit an immortal one, who couldn’t grow up “So he built himself an agent in a sense, which was Mister Sinister, that was, in effect, the rationale behind Sinister's rather—for want of a better word—childish or kid-like appearance. The costume... the look... the face... it's what would scare a child.” (quote from C.laremont) And then they don’t use that, so it’s “he looks like this because he’s literally just that flamboyant and ridiculously over the top” I mean yeah that’s not technically the reason for the white skin and all, but it’s funny. - The first backstory we get from Emma is in G.eneration X where she tells the kids her parents placed her in an institution when she started “hearing voices” from her budding telepathy. She implies she was sexually assaulted by the guards until her psychic powers increased enough to make one carry her out...and she burned the place down behind her. We learn later through her backstory series that this isn’t what happened at all, even if it was likely intended as the truth at the time. You can mush them together I guess, and I think a lot of people do, but if she was indeed lying, then that means that. . .she stole her brother Christian’s horribly traumatic story (being put in an asylum by their parents), then decided to add in some rape implications for drama, all for a story she is telling TO TEENAGERS ON CHRISTMAS EVE . And if it was the truth? It means she also BURNED ALL THE OTHER INNOCENT INMATES TO DEATH WITH ZERO THOUGHTS OR REGRET. So either option is so horrible it’s actually hilarious to me. 8. 🔪 to your throat, Rob Liefeld or Greg Land? I hate Land, but I will say he drew one of the best Shaws (it’s the one in my sidebar!) and his art isn’t as immediately ugly as Liefield’s is. . . but I give t to Liefeld because firstly, HE DOESN’T TRACE PORN, and secondly, his brand of bad is also just funnier. Like come on the pouches and guns and tiny feet are funny, Land’s porn traces are just gross. I also just feel his art is more sincere, I guess. Like it took TIME to put 80 billion lines on everyone’s face and a million pouches and all that weaponry. I don’t think it looks good but I can at least respect the effort. 15. Which x-parent is the worst parent? Harness. I’m not talking about Harness. You can look her up. But since no one else will bring up Harness, I’m bringing up Harness. 16. Who has the kinkiest powers? (No explanation required) Benedict Kine. Of course he was in Shinobi’s Inner Circle, even if they didn’t get along. it actually perpetually shocks me he wasn’t designed by Claremont but I guess he’d be written very differently if he was 17 Favourite villain team? OG Hellions. They were the first dead D-list baddies I ever got fixated on, way back when I was about 13 years old. They’re really not villainous at all, making what happened to them so much more tragic, and they had some very interesting personalities and dynamics with each other and the heroes. If I had to pick some REAL villains, it would of course be the Hellfire Club, followed by the Upstarts, I like pretty much all the Upstarts to varying degrees. Yes, even Fitzroy--I hated him as a child because he killed the Hellions, but now I actually like him quite well and am more just frustrated his backstory with his future’s Emma (his motive for the massacre) was never expanded. I think he’s an example of how I learned to view characters not as real people who need to be hated and punished for the things they did bad, and more as tools who did their job in the story badly, or well, or COULD have done better in the right hands (like him and a lot of my favs) Of course there’s still a lot of “seeing them as a person” to me too, it’s why I also can’t stand certain villains because they’ve just crossed a particular line for me, but I think generally I take a position between then two, hence my fondness for absolutely ROTTEN people in particuliar!

#I'm feeling better so thought I'd do this while I watched a movie #out of shirt

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witchberries · 9 months

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i have Megan Zane's "Sekhmet's Servant" devotional book!

Sekhmet's Servant: Kemetic Daily Devotional. The author, Megan, is a friend of mine whose art I love. I knew her even before I decided to leave behind my Christianity. It arrived earlier today; I ordered it from Amazon yesterday. It...has a lot of typos, lol, but then again, it was self-published via Lulu, so I can't be too critical. It took Megan 2 years to finish! All the images in it are pretty gorgeous. I told her I'd do the writing prompts throughout the book on both this side-blog and on my Wordpress blog.

So here is the first prompt!

What has drawn you to the Egyptian gods?

I've always liked the goddess Bast. Initially it was pretty shallow -- She is a deity closely associated with domestic cats, and I was always strongly the designated cat-child in elementary school. I don't quite remember when or where I first heard of Her. It just somehow feels like I've always vaguely known about Her? As I was in the transition of abandoning Christianity in favor of paganism, I was highly intrigued by Her, and it prompted a friend of mine from the TDF community, named Lore to ask me if I would like to join the House of Netjer AKA Kemetic Orthodoxy beginner's class. I was supposed to attend it with them during early 2023, but Lore had some mental distress to deal with around then, so I ended up doing the class by myself. I told everyone in KO that Bast had also led me there because well, I think in some sense, She had, to be honest. (KO's former Nisut, Tamara Siuda, had received an ironclad promise from Bast and Anubis that They'd personally guide people to her organized religion, and I believe that's what Bast did with me.) I might've sent a resignation letter to HoN/KO not too long ago, but it was definitely my stepping stone, and I am not entirely bitter about the experience. I learned a lot there, but it ultimately wasn't where I belonged.

Anubis, Anpu, Yinepu, whatever you wanna call Him, is another one I sort of have the sense I've always known about? It's so odd. I guess it's just that He and Bast are pretty popular in the modern day throughout media? Bast has quickly become a "comfort deity" of mine, the one I, by default, turn to when I don't know Who else I should. On a more general level, though, I am currently drawn to Kemeticism due to how much sense it makes to me, so much more than the Jesus fandom (yes, I'm calling it that) ever did. It blends well with science, and even with evolution, just ALL the things that always niggled in my mind as being more sensible than Christianity's harmful and literal creationism. I have always needed religion; you get me? I have that sort of mind. I tried identifying as an atheist to mimic my father for a time growing up; it always felt hollow and pointless. There is a supernatural/paranormal spark in my life that I cannot deny, especially after specific experiences I had as a teen and, most significantly, the painful demonic haunting I went through at age 22 in 2018.

#kemeticism #ansel speaks #journal

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psifitopia · 1 year

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my two cents

So, some discussion of Christianity and homosexuality is going down in the salt and light tag. I'm going to give my thoughts. This post is going to be part confession, part comfort, and part exhortation.

This is a hard subject. There are a lot of personal feelings involved, as will be true, when humans are involved. This is going to be a very personal post. I'm not going to use philosophical language. I'm going to start this with three assertions. This is not an outline of what I'm going to say. I just want these three things in your minds, while you're reading this.

I do believe homosexuality is a sin. 2. Homophobia is a real thing and it, too, is a sin. 3. If we want to obey God, we have to give homosexuals the same unconditional love that we give anyone else. We are all sinners, who have fallen short.

I'm fifty years old and my family, both sides, is from Missouri, a very conservative state. I was raised attending Baptist churches. Homosexuality was almost never discussed...and never with anything approaching Christian love. It's important that you understand that.

I have heard family and friends of the family talk casually about violence towards homosexuals, up to and including talk about murder. Mind you, this was never carried out. (They aren't brainiacs and would have been caught). But the violent rhetoric was still there. And, most of these people were bigoted in other ways, too.

In my late teens/early twenties, I became convinced that homosexuality was not a sin. I saw the bigotry around me and couldn't reconcile that with what I knew, or thought I knew, of God. I honestly thought they were using the Bible to justify their bigotry. And, you know? They still might have been. You can use true things to justify garbage behavior.

Now, this conviction was not entirely other people's fault. Part of it was my own sinful desire to engage in fandoms with slash pairings. It excited me, for various reasons. Also, my dearest friend, one I will always love as a sister, came out as bisexual. I didn't want to believe she was sinning. She had always been a strong Christian and I couldn't imagine her going astray.

I spent twenty-plus years writing m/m slash fiction, including erotica.

Then, I got back into church. I found myself surrounded by loving, Godly people. I started not just reading the Bible, but studying it. I spent time with other Christians in small groups. And, I listened and learned.

One time, an elder of our church told a story about an interaction he had with a homosexual friend of his. The friend asked my elder what he thought of homosexuality and was told, "I love you as a brother, but I think it's wrong."

I can't emphasize enough how that hit me. I can not begin to imagine anyone I grew up around, not parents or grandparents, saying that. I can't imagine any homosexual trusting them enough to even ask. Well, no. I can imagine one person in my family being that kind...my late aunt Kelva. My elder's comment helped plant the seed for my repentance and he has no idea. One day, I'll have to tell him.

In June 2021, I decided to stop writing slash. I had already stopped writing porn and using profanity. I wasn't yet convinced homosexuality is sin, but, well. Here's a link to my post at that time, where I explained myself:

I honestly don't know, why God rejects homosexuality. I can make some decent guesses, but I don't claim to know. I don't need to know. I just trust God and submit to His will. But, here's the thing. If you go through your entire Christian walk and never have a moment where you're like "whoa, God, I don't agree with that" or "um, God, really? That doesn't seem fair" or something of that nature? If getting to know God doesn't challenge you? If everything God commands and says leaves you feeling warm and comfortable? You're probably not worshipping the real, living God. You're probably worshipping an image of God that you've tried to remake in your own image. Your understanding is human and limited. That's why the Bible warns us to not lean on our own understanding.

So, yes, homosexuality is a sin. But, we who know the truth have to be careful how we dispense that truth. We have to give love. No one is going to respond well to violence. No one is going to respond well to having abomination screeched in their faces...and these are all things the homosexual community has faced from a Christian community that sometimes has a bad case of i'm-right-itis. Being correct on a point does not justify any and all behavior and we have to stop pretending that behavior doesn't exist.

Here's the exhortation, put plainly. Homosexuals have to admit that same-sex physical relationships are sin. Submit to God. Is refraining from your body's urges really so much for God to ask from you? He's given you everything, including his life. On the other hand, Christians have to start showing homosexuals love and follow the Bible's commands on how to deal with persistent sinners, which is basically leave them alone. Peter and the other apostles were told to shake the dust off their feet and walk away, if a household wouldn't listen to them. Paul told congregations to send members away. Laws were not passed. Politics didn't enter into it. It's only by showing radical love for God and each other that we can shine as lights. And, I know the internet is fairly tone deaf, though entirely, but c'mon. Read your words before posting them. Would you want someone to talk like that to you, even if you were wrong? Well, then.

Now, for the comfort. This is for anyone in the LGBTQ+ community reading this. I love you. God loves you. Your attraction to other people is temptation, but temptation is not sin. Acting on the temptation is sin. You deserve to be as safe in this world as anyone else. You are just as valuable. I'm a sinner by nature, too. Heaven knows, I need a savior and praise Jesus for his forgiveness and love. Don't take our rejection of your sexuality as rejection of you. You are far more than who you enjoy sleeping with. We want you reconciled to us. We just need it to be on God's terms.

#christianity #salt and light

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manicpixieirl · 11 months

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july 24, 2023

A month ago, I walked into my psychiatrist's office and left with a bottle of tiny blue pills. So much of my energy has been spent on catering to mania and depression that I forgot those aren’t the only two feelings that are a part of the human condition.

While I spent years of my life alternating between trying to bring my mood up when I was low and trying to bring myself back down when I was high, I never fully figured out how to bring myself back to center when I was anxious.

In this season of life, I am learning how to ground myself, trying to endure and ride the waves that anxiety has crashing on my shoreline.

The mania and depression have leveled out, gone back to their hiding spots until the next time they are supposed to sneak out and make themselves known. In leaving, they forgot to take anxiety with them, and now I am cycling between trying to control the future and being stuck in complete fear of it.

Manic highs and depressive lows are mountains and valleys I can navigate well. Anxiety is unfamiliar terrain, it feels like a tsunami, a giant wave I can’t climb or navigate, it just comes for me, heightening as the tide pulls in and swallowing me whole when the wave crashes. My anxiety typically manifests as a need to control the wave rather than ride it.

The waves feel like I am the new kid in school every day, overthinking things from my outfits, to my relationship, to whether or not I should have hugged a friend of a friend goodbye at a get-together we had last Sunday. Things that I normally wouldn’t have second guessed are now taking up entire bookshelves of my brain and I don’t know how to stop it.

Do I just accept this new symptom as a third party? My mountains are hills now and my valleys aren’t as low, so is this okay? Not if the anxiety is deafening. Not if I’m being crushed by the wave, only to drown in anxiety and fear of the future. What is all this for if I’m still lost in thought, trying to control tomorrow instead of living in the present?

There are days where it feels less like a tsunami and more like a riptide. I think that’s because now I know where it is coming from, but I don’t appreciate having panic attacks over whether or not I believe I can pull off overalls.

When I was in seventh grade, I went away to one of those week-long-youth-overnight-Christian-camps. I hated going, but something must have stuck since I still have my Faith and remember one sermon about tsunamis and fear of the future.

In 2004, there was a man who stood on the Sumatran Coast with his three sons. All he had with him were his children and a small boat. Suddenly, he felt the earth shake and watched all of the water in the ocean recede from the shoreline, collecting into one giant ball of potential energy at the end of the horizon. The man was paralyzed by his anxiety; he knew what was coming.

“Get in the boat.”

The man didn’t even look for the source of the sentence, at that moment, his flight response was activated. He had faith enough in the feeling to find his children, get in the boat, and paddle straight into the ocean, riding the wave and surviving the tsunami that his wife at home would fall victim to. He had faith, he got in the boat, he rode the wave.

Whether you take this as fact or as a parable, it is a beautiful story of perseverance and loss. May we all have enough faith in ourselves to ride the waves that come our way rather than try and control them. May we all acknowledge the things we lose in the tsunamis and the things we keep by maintaining our faith in ourselves, or in God, or in tiny blue pills.

In this season of life, I am learning how to ground myself, trying to endure and ride the waves that anxiety has crashing on my shoreline.

“Get in the boat.”

#mentalhealthblog #mentalhealthawareness #manic depressive #mania #depression #medmanagement #support #mentalhealthsupport #writers #writing

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zazzander · 2 years

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Alternative Reading of High Infidelity

I've seen people guessing that High Infidelity by Taylor Swift is about her own cheating, however, I disagree with this take.

I believe this song is written from the male perspective, as Taylor has done in the past. Many have speculated that Taylor used the male POV to cover up the queer-er themes of her previous albums.

Now Midnights has arguably turned the closet into glass, by many accounts with Question...?, Maroon, and other songs. But I'm not here to say whether or not Taylor Swift is queer or not. What I do know is that she is an ally and that she explores queer themes in her songs.

Another running theme with this album is the speaker's anxieties regarding marriage.

In Lavender Haze, "No deal, the 1950s shit they want from me" and "all they keep asking me is if I'm gonna be your bride | The only kinda girl they see is a one night or a wife".

In Midnight Rain, "He wanted a bride, I was making my own name"

And in the Bejewelled music video, the character Taylor plays rejects a marriage proposal from the prince.

I think these two ideas: queerness and marriage combine in this song. In this song, the speaker (the "husband") is gay but he got married to keep himself in the closet. To hide. He believed this was a good idea at the time, but now he's cheating on his wife with a man and she has found it. His marriage is falling apart and he's being forced out of the closet in the process.

In the song we get these lyrics:

Storm coming Good husband Bad omen Dragged my feet right down the aisle

It's possible that the speaker is the "wife" of this relationship. However, the songs themes are far more solid if the person who hesitated at the wedding was the "good husband".

He was the bad omen.

He was the storm coming.

He dragged his feet down the aisle. In his heart, he knew this marriage would end in disaster. It would hurt them all. But he believed he had to go through with it regardless.

The song continues:

At the house lonely Good money I'd pay if you'd just know me Seemed like the right thing at the time

The speaker thought that getting marriage would be the "right thing". In conservative Christian circles, being gay is considered immoral - the "wrong thing".

I'd pay if you'd just know me. What truth does the speaker hide? Why would they pay if it was revealed? Cheating could lead to the marriage ending - yes - but if that cheating was done because he was gay? In a conservative society? It would be more than just money at stake.

Do I really have to chart the constellations in his eyes? [...] Do I really have to tell you how he brought me back to life?

The speaker says "he" brought them back to life, why? how? We know from this song that the speaker loves their partner - so why does an outsider in the marriage bring them back to life?

With a queer reading, this line is stronger. Being stuck in a comphet marriage has left the "good husband" feeling trapped, dead inside. But allowing himself to be himself? That brought him back from the brink.

You know there's many different ways that you can kill the one you love The slowest way is never loving them enough

In this song, the speaker does love their wife. He married her for a reason. However, he doesn't love her in the way she wants him to - society wants him to. That's why this line hits so hard. Because he feels like he's not enough.

This song draws on the two themes of queerness and marriage in the Midnights album. It's more than just about cheating.

(PS: this song's title also seems to be referring to High Fidelity, the movie, which has a male main character. Of course, in this version, he is not loyal, he doesn't learn how to make her happy. Because he can't. There is not happy ending.)

#gaylor swift #high infidelity #taylor swift theories #midnights analysis

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exvangelicalrage · 1 year

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Hell Wasn’t The Problem

4/21/23

All this talk about hell reminds me of the Oprah meme. I made a christian version for you:

christians are obsessed with hell, though I'm pleased to say, my brother doesn't believe in it despite identifying as christian. So that's a good thing.

Anyway, 5-year-old me, I stated semi-incorrectly in my previous post, was afraid of hell. But actually, that wasn't it. What I was afraid of was separation from my mom.

That's a pretty lizard brain thing, I think.

Here's how it worked: my mom was sick. She'd been sick my whole life. Almost died during childbirth, in fact (I almost died too!), as a result of her condition.

Growing up, I always knew she could die at any moment. My parents were christian though, and so we believed that if she did die, it would suck, but it'd be fine. Why would it be fine, you ask?

Obviously, because she was going to heaven. And all I had to do was make sure I got there eventually too, and we could live out eternity as one big happy family (assuming my dad and brothers also made it).

Then I learned that "bad behavior" = sin and sin prevents you from getting into heaven. The only way to fix it was to either never fuck up, or to repent of all your mistakes. Of course, they added, everyone is a sinner. That means everyone needs to repent.

So right from the get-go, you started out on the wrong side of the fence.

Enter my first existential crisis (as an elementary school student): what the hell was I doing wrong?

I was five, six, seven. Sometimes I cried or got mad. I knew that. So I said sorry. I said sorry for not knowing how to tie my shoes. For not wanting to go to school. For getting upset when my brother was mean to me.

Every single little thing I assumed was a mistake. If my mom cried, it was my fault. If I didn't want to do my chores, I was a bad person. If I disobeyed, I was on a slippery slope to hell. And to me, I didn't even care about the fire or eternal damnation or all these concepts that were supposed to frighten you into donating ten percent of your gross income to the church.

All I cared about was that I might never see my mom again.

Every time a pastor warned me about lying, stealing, premarital lust, being sad, not fulfilling my role as a female human, daring to question a man in a leadership position—it was like a little bell in the back of my head would ring and a warning message would flash: You're never going to see your mom again.

And the closer she came to death��every ineffective doctor's appointment, every test gone wrong, every step backward—the fear intensified. My mom's death wasn't a vague thing. It wasn't something that would eventually happen in the far future and I could just not think about it.

Try not thinking about it when she's lying on the couch vomiting into a bucket for three days.

Try not thinking about it when she's in so much pain she can't even stand up.

Try not thinking about it when old ladies make rude comments about her being too young to use an electric cart at the grocery store. Or when you're loading her wheelchair into the trunk of the car. Or when you're twelve years old and carrying in the groceries and doing the laundry and cleaning the house because she can't.

Her death was a fear I stared in the face every single day.

I guess it shouldn't surprise me that as an adult, I turned my back on an ideology that told a five-year-old they were so evil they were likely to be ripped away from their mother at a moment's notice, separated for all eternity. From an ideology that offered no guarantees that heaven was even attainable. From an ideology that couldn't even make up its mind about what the "right" path to heaven was.

Which means it also shouldn't be surprising that believing nothing comes after death is a much easier belief to bear.

There is no heaven; there is no hell. There is only now.

When I die, I'll be dead.

And that's okay.

#oprahmeme #exvangelical #we're all going to hell #hell #absurdist #exchristian #atheist #childhood trauma

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beautifulreflections · 1 year

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Blog Post 6: These are a few of my favorite things.

This is my second go around here at Clayton State. Three years after high school I graduated with my associates degree in Music and went on to Clayton State University. I changed my major to Communications and Media studies, but never finished. I got married, and we had two beautiful boys, but then, years later, I was reminded of something I desired from long ago. So, I went back to school with the Lord reminding me that He would be with me and He would help me complete this bachelor's degree. So here I am now.

The first time around in college I didn’t do my best. I was distracted by fun and friends, and I missed the joy of learning all I could in that season. This time I vowed to do it differently. I decided to give each and every class and assignment my very best. I wouldn’t just pass through; I would do it well. I would study and learn all I could with great intentionality. I can tell you this, I have enjoyed every second of studying literature and taken something meaningful from every class thus far, and I intend to continue in this manner.

So, looking back it is clear I have matured tremendously. And though I haven’t arrived I am pressing towards the goal to finish and complete my bachelor’s here and then after this to finish my Master’s Degree in Theology from Dallas Theological Seminary. I am a avid learner, and I guess this explains my love for teaching. It is my opinion that the best teachers are lifelong learners. I am a teacher at a small but thriving Christian Academy. I teach music, and though the pay is meager the joy I have in teaching these little ones about God, my first love, and music, a strong third love right behind my family, it is my great honor and privilege.

I wasn’t always zealous for the Lord Jesus Christ, though I did love Him in the way that I knew how, which was mostly religious practices without any revelation of the relationship aspect of knowing God; it wasn’t a thriving relationship. After I battled with postpartum depression, I found the Lord in a new way, and I felt His close and tangible presence that transformed my life. I will never turn back to Sunday morning Christianity. It is dull and not what God intended for the human soul. Now I write Christian devotionals and have a ministry devoted to encouraging and equipping the Saints to be light in darkness. My life was changed forever by Jesus- not religion, and I will never again be the same.

I am Puerto Rican, and have a love for good food, family fun, and the beach any time I can get there. As a family we love to hike, camp, and play music together. I sing and play guitar, and my husband as well as our sons play the drums. Music is important to us. I am learning to find great contentment in the mundane times by looking at this life as an opportunity and not a burden. To me living life fully means enjoying every single moment and learning from the hardships without staying stuck in the struggle. My heart is set on living every day for the glory of God alone, which you see written in Latin as Soli Deo Gloria. My life isn’t perfect by any means but it is good because I believe in a good God who works all things together for my good and His glory.

I found hope in the cross of Jesus Christ. He renewed and restored me by pulling me out of the pit, setting my feet on a rock, and by putting a new song of praise in my mouth. Now I am overwhelmingly grateful to be alive, and thankful to be where I am; here, writing to you. I know that not everyone shares the same beliefs as me, but I do believe there is great beauty in each person’s story, and I feel there is great power in sharing it. In relation to my story, here are the bible verses I claim:

Psalms 40:2-3

He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth— Praise to our God; Many will see it and fear and will trust in the LORD.

May your life be filled with great joy and peace as you go forward in accomplishing these many goals to better yourself and your future generations. I am cheering for you.

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