whatever you guys do, don't imagine regulus dying in the cave alone thinking about James and Sirius and betraying Voldemort while listening to doomsday by Lizzy McAlpine. also don't think about james learning regulus died without knowing he betrayed the dark lord. this is their fucking song for real it breaks me.

rank every p!atd song.

okokok >:]

s tier (10/10, 9/10) - all of afycso + pretty . odd; all the boys; far too young to die; collar full; kaleidoscope eyes; casual affair

fever n po r some of ryan ross's best work , along w what he did w the young veins . i cant say im in love w all of his solo work but the lyrics arent as bad as pftw . the songs off too weird r wonderful ! all the boys is so fun to listen to , same w collar full . while i will say that i enjoy the brobecks vers of far too young to die Much more than the p!atd vers , the lyrics still fuck . all of the vices demos r pretty good , but kaleidoscope eyes is somethin else ... casual affair slaps godbless

a tier (8/10) - can't fight against the youth; house of memories; la devotee; always; the ballad of mona lisa; nearly witches; new perspective; it's almost halloween; mercenary; the calendar; trade mistakes; the rest of the vices bonus tracks; golden days

can't fight against the youth id say is jus a bit worse then all the boys , or at least i like it less . house of memories , golden days , n la devotee r probably the best songs off of dob in terms of lyrics id say . impossible year isnt bad, but it isnt as good as these three . the calendar n trade mistakes dont get enough love , vices doesnt get enough love in general , but they r so so good ! the bonus tracks especially r the best part of the album (turn of the lights my beloved <333 also love that pete wentz ghostwrite) ! the demo lyrics of nearly witches r a lot more fun then what we got , but i dont necessarily hate it ! i do wish we got the cabin album though </3 mercenary is such a fun song ! it does get a tad repetitive , but who cares bc it fucks ! new perspective is jus generally a good song id say . its almost halloween probably doesnt deserve this spot , but god do i love it dearly .

b tier (7/10) - girl that you love; crazy = genius; impossible year; death of a bachelor; this is gospel; hurricane; get me out of my mind; don't threaten me with a good time;

girl that you love isnt really special , but it has some banger lines in it that punched me in the fuckin gut ! crazy = genius n dont threaten me with a good time r both songs that r fun to listen to , but they kinda do nothin ? like , theyre there , but they arent really important . impossible year has some good lines as well but i dont like the sound of the song , nor do i like how br*ndon sounds . this is gospel , get me out of my mind , n death of a bachelor r all songs that exist ! ready to go gets annoyin at some point but its an overall fine song , this is gospel has a few things goin for it , n death of a bachelor is an alright song . borin tier tbh

c tier (6/10, 5/10) - sarah smiles; let's kill tonight; nicotine; girls/girls/boys; the end of all things; the good, the bad, and the dirty

sarah smiles is a song . the end of all things is a song . bc i dont like that One Guy nor his wife i dont like to listen to them , but they arent the worst songs ever . would skip them every time though . let's kill tonight gets repetitive really quickly n it gets hard to listen to multiple times . nicotine is fine , it jus never really meant much to me . girls/girls/boys does absolutely nothin for me n i could not care less ab it , but i dont hate it ! im glad it exists ig ? i jus dont really like how that One Guy handled it though. the good, the bad, and the dirty is also nothin special but it doesnt suck so i guess it goes here .

d tier (4/10, 3/10) - memories; the overpass; roaring 20s; miss jackson; victorious

memories is such a bad song i dont care . i cannot stand it n i legitimately cant describe why . it makes me feel an indescribable emotion that i fuckin hate . the overpass n roaring 20s have nothin to offer but r the best songs off of pftw , so i guess they can be a tier higher . miss jackson is kinda borin n vaguely sexist , though id be lyin if i said it wasnt fun . i jus dont think i can put it any higher than d . victorious as a song jus rubbed me the wrong way n i cant shake that feelin , so d tier .

f tier (2/10, 1/10) - hallelujah; every other pftw song

hallelujah is jus borin . like ig it isnt bad i jus cant stand it at all . f tier . pftw is such a shitty album , at least for panic standards ! bc how did we go from lines like "i know the world's a broken bone // but melt your headaches call it home" to fuckin "don't call me saint california if you're at another altar" . how did we go from "i've never so adored you // i'm twisting allegories now // i want to complicate you // don't let me do this to myself" to "it's just cherries, cherries // everything is cherries on top" . pftw doesnt make me feel despair it makes me so fuckin mad . pftw is a solo album n doesnt deserve to be compared to twtltrtd . its obvious that this album was jus for money n i hate it sincerely .

what the fuck tier (0/10) - high hopes; hey look ma, i made it

they suck <3 theres a line in high hopes that . holy shit . you cant say that n expect people to be COMPLETELY OKAY WITH IT ? hey look ma, i made it is genuinely so annoying to listen to . in fact , both of them are . i'd rather listen to fucking anything else . these songs were a mistake <3

Red ask game (Taylor’s Version)

from @catefrankie​

1. favorite song off of red?

this album’s especially difficult for me to choose a favorite from, but right now i’ll go with state of grace, for the way it absolutely blows me out and pulls me in this world of whirlwind romance and heartbreak.

2. favorite simile in red?

fighting with him is like trying to solve a crossword and realize there’s just no right answer

3. which songs are you most looking forward to seeing rerecorded?

4. favorite red-era music video?

ikywt. the drama. the grunge rock visuals. the pink highlights in the ruffled hair. the intro spoken lines. waking up stranded in the festival. the scene in the motel the next morning, the guy is shirtless. (12-year old-me: can’t unsee the implications) taylor in the bathroom wistfully touching the light bulb. borrowing his hat. he gets a tattoo. the camera shots at the concerts as he’s dancing with the other girls. obsessed since 2013. 

5. favorite lyric from “all too well”?

the delivery of ‘im a crumpled up piece of paper lying here’ she’s clearly screaming crying. it like dashes my skin open every time. 

6. are you feeling 22?

no :(( i feel 19 and on fire its too hot here

7. what did red mean to you when you first listened to it?

it really intrigued me. i looked up the lyric videos on youtube in a random order, but i loved the variety of one song from another, that between the pop anthems there  were mellower tracks with depth and nuance and storytelling. this (along with speak now) were the first albums i heard from taylor, and she obviously won me over to be a stan.

8. what does it mean to you to have red coming out again now?

over the years this have been the OG 4 (cause there were 4 when i joined) im the most in love with so im mad hyped. fall and winter are my favorite seasons, and while i would love to jam to a summer bop lately i’ve been feeling very melancholic (more than usual hahaha im a sad bitch always) with the grief of 2020 and graduating school and starting college. so i can’t wait to slip on a cardigan, order some coffee and get gutted at the feels

9. favorite vocal moment in the album?

i almost do, the part after the chorus she changes everytime, it sounds so sweet and heartwrenching

10. what item/outfit in your closet reminds you the most of taylor’s fashion during this era?

i have a grey hat similar to taylor’s that i bought on a whim but never wear anywhere cos you cant just wear a hat in public. i thought i’ll wear it when i see her on tour :(( delusional girl she’s never coming here :(

i just remembered, one of my pandemic impulse purchases was a gorgeous red flower crown. will be sure to bust that out for release day

11. who do you want to see taylor collaborate with in the vault songs?

considering the vibe of the era, lorde for a melodrama pop anthem, and lana for a more wistful track

12. the hat in the original album cover or the hat in the taylor’s version album cover?

i have some qualms with the new cover :)) so old hat for sure, absolute icon. i know i probably had that hat as a pfp in evermore era, but now i only thing i can think is it must be so warm

13. favorite thing about autumn?

temperatures getting lower :) it always seems like i have to wait too long for an actual significant temperature drop, and in halloween i dont have candles i have the fan on. 😡 so when it finally happens its like magic, the mood is wonderous, even when exams are drawing closer. i get really hyped around halloween for a few years, not for anything legitimately scary but to pull out the Dark Academia color pallete, and i watch a not-super-scary movie with my bff so wholesome times :)

14. which of taylor’s other albums do you most consider to be red’s sister album?

folklore. the sad times are back, but it’s not cute anymore, it’s darker and more existential. also, theory, the relationship referred in ‘the 1′ and further explored and romanticized throughout is the one from red.

15. favorite bridge from the album?

the last time, the drama reaches the cresendo in intensity, and it ends with the harmonizing ‘oh-oh-oh-oh’.

16. do you have a lot going on at the moment?

there��s the college thing, but it sure feels like not a lot when you’ve spent the entire summer in your bedroom. the release of red TV is that cool thing im anticipating, *prepares* i have to prepare 

37

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself? - I think a few hours ago lol

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know? - how does it everything work out in the end

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life? - i don't really have one yet

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise? - When I was 8, my family and I were driving home from the christmas eve service. It was snowing big fluffy snowflakes and i was in a sparkly dress in the backseat. rascal flatts was playing 'god bless the broken road' on the radio and we were all sitting in this really nice content silence.

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? - I think I'd try to do more, go out more, experience more, write more.

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things? - Write a novel(s) / write successful novels - Fall in love - finally go to a taylor swift concert lol

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail. - My mom is someone I super close to. She has these vibrant blue eyes that literally carry an ocean of good things. She has a warm soul and she always uses her energy to lift other people up or just to hold their hand when life is rocky.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood? - Yes

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person? - I don't remember. A while ago I think. Maybe like last september-ish and I only remember that because my job did a really not cool thing to me and I cried when I told my mom and then cried when I told my best friend lol

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them. - My mom because we could talk about life while stargazing.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them? - maybe. if i felt super comfortable with them and it was the right time for it, then probably.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you? - I don't know, actually. Probably not since high school or roughly around then bc i'm always asleep by 10 pm lol. it was probably with one of my friends.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom? - I'd probably tell my mom thank you for everything she's done and had to sacrifice for me/our family, and i'd tell her i loved her.

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes? - Beautiful! Bright! Lovely! God tier! Wow!

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally. - "I couldn't get the boy to kill me but I wore his jacket for the longest time" by Richard Siken. First of all, this quote makes me like !!!!! just exclamation marks!!!! I think I just love the poetry and the subtext in this quote, because it's kind of like being haunted by this boy was in itself its own kind of death. So like yeah you didn't kill me, but you haunt me instead.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far? - What The Hell Is This: a memoir by me

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars? - Buy a house and move to a different city, invest a lot of it, buy a car, buy another cat, send money to charity, quit my job.

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way? - I'm a forgiving person when I feel like someone is worth forgiving, which I kind of don't like about myself because I don't know if that's necessarily the right thing. I don't like that I feel like people have to earn forgiveness, but if I'm hurt by someone or someone has hurt someone I love, I tend to hold grudges and I will especially hold grudges if the hurt or offense is never addressed. But if someone were to apologize and I felt like they were sincere and they gave me a good explanation for the actions, I'm definitely forgiving then.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self. - n/a

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel? - pastel

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain. - I don't mind some tattoos and piercings, but I don't like tons of piercings and I definitely don't like tattoo sleeves or anything like that lol. You do you, but I could never lol.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not? - Generally, yeah. It depends on my mood that day. Sometimes I'll wear a full face, other times I'll do bare minimum or nothing at all. Makeup makes me feel nice and it can really make your features pop.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. - Taylor Swift baby. Taylor has been such an inspiration to me as a writer and a human being. I think she sees the world very vividly and very romantically, and I love that about her. I love that she's kind-natured, even when the world tries to put a masochistic spin on her, she's simply just good. I love her honestly and vulnerability in her story-telling, and I love the work-ethic and careful creativity that's in her work. On a more personal note, her music feels like contentment and joy, and sometimes nostalgia. I started listening to her music in the fifth/sixth grade but I remember when Speak Now came out and at that time I was starting to get into writing and I could really see that she was a writer too so I clung to her, and then Red was released while my dad was fighting cancer and that album was just something I really pressed into as a means of comfort and escape and I'm so glad that I had her music lean on.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them. - *mind goes blank*

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel. - I haven't actually been to a concert that's really impacted me meaningfully because I've never gone to anyone I legitimately wanted to see lol. When I was 10, I went to a Jonas Brothers concert with my sister who was a bigger fan of them than I was and I do remember it being a good time. Then when I was 15, my best friend took me to marianas trench because our other friend baled so she had a spare ticket. It was a really good show and it actually made me get into their music more than I had been before which was awesome.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say? - I would love it if taylor swift wrote me a letter and I honestly wouldn't care what she wrote in it as long as it was something nice lol

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised? - I used to have a work space in my room but I moved the desk upstairs to our office. Now I just write in my room and that for me looks like a made up bed, a nightstand with a candle, and a vanilla-scented lamp to create a warm cozy atmosphere.

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine? - I usually write in the evening and then maybe I'll watch youtube or I'll listen to music or scroll through tiktok lol. Then I put on my pj's, skincare routine, brush teeth, and I go to bed (where I end up reading for half the night but whatevs)

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know? - I'm pretty open with my mom so I don't think there's anything she doesn't know about me lol.

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why? - I wouldn't mind dying my tips pink or blue just because I think that's a universally cute look. As for styling it, probably what I do now, maybe curl it a little more.

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do? - I don't think I even know five people (that i'm close to) yikes

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them. - I wish for success, because I always feel like a failure or inadequate in someway - I wish to fall in love, because I'd like to know it at least once - I wish to be able to write again in a way that makes me happy, because I feel like I keep disappointing myself and I just want that creative freedom again

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up. - I've never done anything super creative lol but one year I dressed like a bumble bee and I loved that costume because it was a little frilly dress with wings.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high? - fun fact I've never been drunk or high

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars? - Anything that involves killing or spiders

storms: you can only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why? - All too well by taylor swift baby

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love. - I have not fallen in love before but I imagine it feels like contentment and coming home.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair? - I wouldn't do really short hair, but my favourite hair cuts on me was a short bob.

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone? - Just your standard white hot chocolate, and i'd trust anyone to order it for me bc it's not that difficult lol

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now? - My writing / my career I think

Survey #223

“broken and sad, as the tarnish on your crown, nowhere to go but down.”

What’s your favorite chocolate in the valentine box? The one with fudge in the center. What color hair did your first crush have? Brown. What’s a condition you have that you haven’t been officially diagnosed with? Do not ever self-diagnose, ever. There's a quote about this that I love: Something along the lines of, "Your five-minute Google search doesn't compare to my doctoral degree." Something like that. Anyway, everything I have has been professionally diagnosed, though my therapist and psychiatrist both know I question if my bipolarity is actually borderline personality disorder. My psychiatrist doesn't see it, and my therapist says my level of self-awareness makes that highly unlikely. Idk though, a loooot of symptoms remind me of myself. What’s your favorite version of the Bible? None. Do you think pineapple belongs on pizza? Noooo. I hate sweet/savory combos. Which one of your parents do you think is smarter? My mom. My dad is smart in his own way, but if you're talking about textbook knowledge, yeah. My mom is smarter in that area. Which parent do you think you inherited your intelligence level from? I 120% got my total lack of common sense from Dad. Otherwise, Mom. Do you store your bike in a garage for the winter? I don't have a garage nor bike. What were your favorite gym class activities in elementary school? Okay, do y'all remember those rainbow tarps you'd form a big dome out of? I loved that shit. Even though all we did was talk once inside, lol. I also loved those square roller things. You know, the ones that put your fingers at great risk. Would you rather wear a tunic top and jeggings or a crop top and high-waisted jeans? Okay so I'd fucking love to wear high-waisted jeans w/ a crop top if I had the body for it. Do you think hoodies look better oversized and long, or cropped? Oversized ones are the best. Have you ever had a professional make-over? No. Have you ever had a professional photo shoot? No. Did you ever want to be a model? Noooo. What’s your anti-depressant? Vraylar + Lamictal lmaooooo. Do you stretch or do yoga? Not anymore. List all of the colors of dresses you have worn to school dances. I only ever went to prom. My first was maroon, the second black. Did you enjoy school dances? Here's the tea: they're overhyped, at least for my personality. It's loud as hell so you can't hear each other talk, and the music's shit. I only went to his senior prom and mine for the novelty of it. What is something you want to be for Halloween? I am very legitimately considering be a handmaid from The Handmaid's Tale this year. Read that fucking book, it's one of the best I've ever read, and fucking terrifying as a woman. Who is your favorite parent? I love both for who they are. Do you have chronic pain? Only in my legs due to muscle atrophy that I'm recovering from now thanks to school. What is your favorite part of going to the dentist? My teeth feeling especially clean afterwards. Have you ever not been able to see the big E at the eye doctor? Ha ha, yes. My vision is godawful. What’s on your wish list right now? Just donate to my tattoo fund, lmao. What are you behind on? Politics. What did you get rid of that you wish you had kept? I wish I'd kept Jason and mine's last prom pictures, but literally just because now, I think I looked gorgeous. Does your hometown have bad memories attached to it? The Bloods gang seriously tried to break into the house while my sister and her friend were home alone as pre-teens, guess. Does it irritate you when someone has a dream but does nothing to work toward it? I mean, yes? I feel like everyone should care about that to some degree. Certainly not to an obsessive degree, it's not your life, but you should care that people work towards their aspirations. Do you find the concept of colorblindness fascinating? Yeah, sure. Which site have you been bullied on the most? I wouldn't say I was ever really bullied, but I guess the closest was on an old RP site from one particular person. Who do you wish loved you? A few people. Not necessarily romantically. Do you know anyone who has twin babies or toddlers? Yes. I actually think she has two pairs. If so, what are their names? Idr. I only know them loosely through dance. Would you ever want to have twins? FUCK no. Who has the cutest babies on your Facebook newsfeed? My acquaintance Anastasia literally has the prettiest daughter ever. If you could have a car in any color you wanted, which color? Pink, duh. Or maroon. What is your favorite Avril Lavigne song? WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO AND MAKE THINGS SO COMPLICATED What’s a song lyric that you like? Korn came out with a new album, and my favorite song's lyrics include "God is making fun of me," and it's my favorite thing ever. Would you ever hitchhike? Why or why not? NOOOOOOO, I don't trust people. What’s one thing you’ve done to celebrate Earth Day? As a kid, I made a bird house one year. There was this backyard decorating show on Animal Planet when I was little, and on one episode, they made one out of an empty milk jug and leaves, so I duplicated that. What color is your stapler? Black. Was your middle school crush the same as your high school crush? No. Have you ever been homeschooled? Towards the end of 8th grade, I was homebound. I was deeply depressed, and school didn't help. Have you ever completed a weight loss program? No. What was the last thing you were mad at a doctor about? I will forever and absolutely always despise my old doctor for putting and keeping me on a medication that resulted in me gaining around 150 pounds, and I wish I was fucking kidding, and blaming it on me the entire time. Where you live, is it possible to get sunburned&frostbitten in same week? HA, yeah. Do you ever turn your phone off because you don’t want to talk? No, I'll just ignore it. Do you like McDonald’s sweet tea? I hate sweet tea period. Do you like rap? Very little of it. Usually just some Eminem. Do you ever lay down and look at the stars? I haven't done that in a long time. Well, we weren't lying down, but rather sitting in chairs, but when Sara was here last summer, she, Mom, and I all sat outside one night making s'mores and having some drinks, and we looked up at the stars for quite a while. Don’t you hate when songs remind you of the person you’re trying to forget? There are a couple songs I physically can't listen to due to PTSD. Whose bed were you last in besides your own? Uhhh. I think my niece's, though I was just sitting on it. Who’s the last person you kissed? Sara. What’s your relationship with that person? We're really fucking gay for each other. Do you know how many people you’ve kissed? Three or four. I can't remember if I ever actually initiated a kiss with Girt or ever kissed him back, but I don't think so. Do you burn easily in the sun? Like toast on the whitest bread. Have you ever blacked out? I mean, I've fainted. Who do you hang out with the most? My mom lmao. Are you positive or negative? So in my FYS class (that is literally more like therapy), we very recently took an emotional intelligence test (it's like a scale that tells you your strengths and weaknesses in some major areas), and my optimism score was ABYSMALLY low. Like, as low as it could be. I've always called myself a realist, but this was a very detailed and professional test, so I'm taking my results into consideration. Do you believe life is fair? Ha ha, what a way to prove the last answer, but you couldn't possibly make me believe life is fair. It's chance and cause and effect. Have you ever bought a youtuber’s merch? LMAO YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA'LL I'm too embarrassed to ask for "unusual" things. Do you have any embarrassing health issues? One or two. I am a Walking Health Issue. What are you longing for? I want Sara to live here so badly. Distance is getting hard. Who was your first roommate? Jason, Amanda, and Jacob. Who lived across the hall from you your first year of college? I never lived in a dorm. Have you ever had a janitorial job? Omfg no. I'm a germaphobe. Have you ever worked in food service? Hell no. I can't deal with hungry people. What is your favorite flavor of frosting? I'm a chocolate bitch. What is your favorite type of donut? Depends on where it's from. Dunkin' Donuts, omlllll gimme a chocolate frosted (never with sprinkles, sprinkles are gross). Krispy Kreme, BITCH I will kill a glazed. What is the name of your favorite bakery? We don't go to any proper bakery. We just get stuff from the ones at grocery stores. What is your current favorite Starbucks drink? I don't go to Starbucks. When was the last time you wrote someone a letter? For a certain holiday for Sara. I think it was Valentine's Day? Do you write mostly in cursive or in print? It's some hybrid font of both, but mostly cursive. What do you usually get for your birthday? Meerkat-related stuff. What is a childhood dream that hasn’t stuck with you? I wanted to be a vet. Who was your first favorite cartoon character? Uhhh. Probably Ash Ketchum (I FUCKING WROTE "KETCHUP") or Pikachu. Who is your favorite Disney princess? It was Ariel as a kid, now I don't particularly care, but probably Snow White. Do you like Coca Cola? Hell yeah. Do you like McDonald’s french fries? Are you even human if you don't? Did you get your hair color from your mom, your dad, or a grandparent? My hair was dirty blonde as a kid, so I don't have a clue where that came from. It turned brown though, so I guess Mom, but hers is way darker than mine. What are some other names your parents’ considered when naming you? The only one I remember is Kathryn. Who was the last person you know who had a baby? Uhhh I think it was one of my high school friends. …And what was the baby’s name? Jaspen. If you had a boy and a girl, what would they be named? Alessandra is NOT up for debate (if I wanted kids, anyway) lol, and Damien. What color is your dresser? Brown. Have you found your first gray/white hair yet? WOW no that would be mighty depressing. Is your hair long or short? Short. …and which way do you like it best? I CANNOT believe I didn't go short earlier. Do you have a problem with needles? Nah. Have you ever had to use an epi pen? No, thankfully. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Also thankfully no. If applicable, what color are your glasses? Black. Do you like the name Addison? Yeah, it's cute. Have you ever made your own Halloween costume out of clothes from your closet? No. At least, not a *real* costume. I've just dressed particularly dark before. Have you ever gotten sick in the car? No. Do you enjoy editing photos? I do. Have you ever called the wrong number? Yep, oops. Do you usually pick Truth or Dare? Truth. I never pick "dare," actually. Do you like kissing? I mean yeah, if I love the person. Which Internet browser do you use? Chrome. When was the last time you read a whole book, to the last page exactly? A couple weeks ago I finished The Handmaid's Tale for school. How many times have you had sex within the past two years? Guesstimate? A big 'ole zero lmao. Has your boyfriend or girlfriend ever cheated on you? Were you mad or sad? No. Are you a superstitious person? Have you ever been superstitious before? No. When was the last time your area had a tornado warning, if ever? A few months ago. Have you ever had one of those major fights with your current bf/gf? When we were younger and unstable friends. Do you think road kill is gross? I think it's sad more than anything, but I mean yeah, it can be. But considering a personal project of mine is photographing roadkill to depict the brutality and sadness of it, it obviously doesn't gross me out all that much. Is it obvious when people hurt your feelings? I think so. How many teeth do you have? The normal amount. Have you ever lived outside of America? No. Do you get allowance? I'm 23, I obviously don't now, but I never have. Do you pop your pimples? Yeah, oops. Who did you last dance with? Sara. Have you ever wanted to kill someone? I think so. I wasn't going to like, actively pursue that, but I wanted her dead. Have you ever had braces? Yep. When you get married, do you want to keep your last name? No, please take it away. Do you shave your pubic hair? No. I'll obvious trim/shave along my upper legs in I'm going to wear a bathing suit or something, though. Have you ever seen a tornado in real life? Thank fucking god no. Do you have to plug your nose while swimming under water? Yep. I have zero clue how people stop water from going up their nose, even if they don't breathe through it. Do you like soft or hard pillows? s o f t What’s the last thing your parents bought you? Mom bought food, Dad bought me my laptopl. Do you know anyone who committed suicide? I'm 99% sure a pre-teen online friend did. I know some people loosely. When was the last time you cried out in pain? That's probably a TMI from having IBS. What do you say when you answer the phone? "Hello?" Do you ever get the feeling you don't belong? Belong where? I need specifics. Are you a timid person? Incredibly. Ever been in love with two people at the same time? No. Ever vomited because you were in shock? No. Do you think the world is a nice place or a horrible place? It's a hybrid of those. Ever had a rumor spread about you? The only one I knew of was one Jason's ex started in high school, that being that we had a baby. Despite the fact I was obviously never pregnant. If you found out you were pregnant how would you react? I'd be fucking terrified and incredibly confused because that's physically impossible. Have you ever been dumped by text? Did it hurt? More like over Facebook Messenger, and fuck yes it hurt considering I was literally madly in love with him and we'd been in a serious relationship for three and a half years. In your opinion what would be the worst possible way to dump someone? See above. (: How do you take out your anger? 99% of the time, cry. Have you ever snuck out of your house? No. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? Yeah. What’s the craziest thing you’ve done on a dare? Idk. I never did crazy dares. Have you ever cussed someone out? Yes. What’s the most trouble you’ve ever gotten in with your parents? Idk. My dad never really punished us, but rather Mom. I would say the time I texted her back "fuck you," but I was an adult by this point so she couldn't really do anything, but I do noooot want to imagine how she would've reacted if we were physically together. When she picked me up, she was furious, but I think she was more shocked I actually said that than anything. I don't remember that night much, surprisingly, considering I tend to remember awful days like that. Have you ever cheated on someone? No. Have you ever had a friend-with-benefits? No. Have you ever spread a nasty rumor about someone? No. Have you ever broken someone’s heart? I don't know. Have you ever been physically abused? Thank God, luck, Heaven, or whatever, no. What’s something you really regret saying to someone? I think more than anything, the time I sent something along the lines of "thanks for sending me to the hospital again" to Jason before I went to the ER for the bajillionth time. Doesn't matter if it was the first, fifth, or thousandth time, that was fucking evil and could've seriously hurt him. Is there something really bad that you’ve done, that only YOU know about? Uhhhh I don't think so, at least. Do you have a lot of secrets? It depends on who is involved. Mostly though, no. Does it take a lot to make you feel guilty? I don't know, actually. Have you ever broken a really important promise? I don't think so. Have you ever gone out with a best friend’s ex? More like mutually flirted with her boyfriend behind her back until he left her for me when I was 12. Fucking disgusting. Have you ever made out with someone who was just a friend? No. Have you ever cheated on a test? I actually don't think I ever have. Have you ever told someone’s deep, dark secret? No. I'm honestly very trustworthy with secrets. Have you ever gotten in a fist fight? No. Have you ever done something bad JUST because you knew you shouldn’t? Maybe as a kid? I don't think so? Have you ever purposely hurt yourself? Yeah. Have you ever pushed someone into a pool? I don't think so? Have you ever copied someone else’s homework? Again I don't believe so. Possibly once, idr. Have you ever kissed someone the same day you met them? No. What’s under your bed? A box of art stuff. Have you ever you shoplifted? No. What do you want more than anything else? Happiness. Have you ever tried coconut water? I have not. How many online accounts do you have? Or have you lost count? Holy fuck, there's no telling. Who was your first love? Jason. Are you the type to hold grudges? Definitely not. What was the last video game you played? I actually have World of Warcraft open right now, but that's a computer game; does that count? If not, uhhh. It's been a long while... I think maybe The Legend of Spyro: Dawn of the Dragon. What’s your favorite flavor of vitamin water? Never tried vitamin water. Are there any bands/artists that get you all emotional? Ozzy Osbourne makes me so nostalgic. His music is so important to me. Have you ever been to a convention? (comic, Youtube, etc.) No, but bitch try to stop me from going to PAX East one day to hug God and cry for two hours in joy. What brand are most of the electronics in your household? I don't think we have a consistent brand for our electronics. It depends on what the thing is. What’s your favorite aunt or uncle’s first name? I can't remember my favorite aunt's name, but the only uncle I know well is Rob. He's hilarious. Have you ever smoked a cigarette? No. Who was the last person you invited into your home? Sara. Are you of legal drinking age in the country you live in? Yes. How old were your parents when they got engaged? I have no clue. Early 30s? Are your parents still together? Hell no. What flavor was the last ice cream you ate? Chocolate. Are you health conscious? To a degree. Have you ever done a first aid course? No. If so, would you be prepared to perform CPR if necessary? N/A Are there any songs that get stuck in your head very easily? A lot. Who was the last person to text you? Sara. If you found out you couldn’t have children, would you adopt? I'd be fucking ecstatic if I found out I was infertile, especially with how terrified and paranoid I am about being raped. I don't want kids, ever. Would you go back to your most recent ex? No; I don't like him like that. Do you remember the show Bananas in Pajamas? I don't, but I know my older sister was obsessed. If you could know how, when, and where you’ll die, would you want to know? Hell no. Are you really excited for anything? I'm probably going up to Sara's for her birthday and Christmas and I CANNOT wait. Have you ever eaten any type of insect? Not intentionally? I think a gnat or something flew into my throat once, but idk. I've certainly never tried to. Who is the most famous person you’ve ever met? Nobody lmao. Do you have trust issues? Oh yes indeed.

full bmc broadway cast recording thoughts: 

-more than survive thoughts have not changed but at least i know now that it’s stephanie for sure (also idk if i mentioned it but the “christine~” parts are REALLY really good) 

-play rehearsal is fun!! the added acting definitely reflects show-christine a lot better than the original did

-squip song is a bit different but not necessarily Worse, except for that they cut out the verse with the horns!! that was my Favorite part >:0

-there’s so much less energy in TPG, which i really expected because that seems to be a theme, but basically the saving grace of that song was that the two of them were unabashedly into everything they were saying and it’s so much harder to sink into when they don’t sound excited about it 

-YOU LOOK LIKE KEANU REEVES IN RECORDING 

-I Cannot Insult This Version Of The Squip Because The Actor Seemed Really Happy When I Told Him I Liked His Interpretation And I Can’t Take That Back 

-but you know? even though i like the old squip better, the new ver of bmc part 1 is REALLY cool! and the new intro actually caught me off guard, that’s one of the big surprises to me since they didn’t have it in the off-broadway ver!! it also helps lead you away from expecting the squip to be as cold and calculating as before. i’m a fan 

-the “terrible?” “TERRIBLE” in that song is really good too 

-”LOOKIIIIING. PRETTYYYYY. SEXYYYYY. BROOK-E” 

-big into the way Ride kicks up so much in the second verse, it’s very funky (also arr-e-vwar in recording!!) 

-”everything about me makes me wanna die” is almost better than the original, “going to be wonderful” JUST falls short of the impact the original had, will’s “BE MORE CHILL!!! hehe” is So much better than it was live. overall the reprise felt a little smaller than before? maybe it’s just because a lot of the pieces here seem bigger 

-ANOTHER new song???? 

-Sync Up is nice and simple and works well as a transition!! lets you see the squip a bit more before the upgrade. i can’t decide if the dialogue is a little heavy-handed, but i love the instrumentation a LOT (and the drama teacher’s line skfjfgdf) and jeremy + brooke’s part was fun!! 

-the WHOLE time while listening i was terrified they’d get rid of ‘all in all a not too heinous day~’, there’s definitely some irony in that they added the “now it’s time to be bold” for off-broadway then got rid of it so quickly

-stephanie’s vocals are definitely a little more mature? which is interesting given most of the rest of the cast sounds much more nasal (or maybe that’s just me noting the difference b/w will “jeremy 1.0″ connoly and roland) 

-THAT BEING SAID, i Don’t really get the direction they went in for kinda be into?? christine’s character has just gotten more and more dramatic with each new production, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me that her song is so much more chill. i like listening to it a lot, it reminds me of if it was a song by a band and not in a musical, but it feels like a weird change to make (no surprise on the ending though since it was like that on off broadway)  

-i always really liked how Squip Lurks comes in like a fire alarm right after the end of kinda be into, this new inst just doesn’t have the same effect :/ very intimidating in its own right but just not the same as WARNING, WARNING, WARNING

-i really like this motif of brooke trying to speak french it’s really good ksjdgf

-i’m NOT SURE how i feel about the changes to Upgrade but i feel like i can’t even judge them against each other because it’s an ENTIRELY different song at this point. on one hand it’s nice to see them dive into that sorta serious ground BMC tends to avoid, it’s nice to see them delve into side characters’ plots, but...Upgrade was one of my absolute favorites from the original, and i don’t know how i feel about the soundtrack without that song. there were so many good impactful parts that are just gone now. when the squip joins in with brooke, “which means the house is empty so that’s fun!!”, the squip’s big solo (which musically might’ve been my favorite part of the whole musical)...i like the new version in its own right but i’m very (VERY) sad to see the old one go 

-i kept waiting for the old song to come in lmao

-i was legitimately shocked that LGW was different when they JUST put out the first recording of that a few months ago...and..hm........it doesn’t feel Big enough. i really saw LGW as one of the best songs in the show bc of how superficially happy it seemed while jeremy sounded like he was gonna cry the whole time. the slow down part doesn’t have as much of an impact if the whole song keeps stopping itself before it can accelerate. 

-oh also michael’s not in the new upgrade track ?? uh. i feel like that’s important 

-the outtro to halloween is SO good!! i don’t really like that the song starts Slower but if i had to say any of the new versions were better than the original i’d probably choose this one 

-i’d type out something about Hang but...i have no emotional attachment to that one...new dialogue is good for fleshing out chloe? i suppose 

-okay i just started the new MITB and i don’t hate it so far i don’t hate it 

-i don’t hate it...but i don’t love it...i mean it’s MICHAEL in the BATHROOM it’s gonna be good no matter what 

-very glad that they got the MTS and Kinda Be Into reprises this time !! i kinda liked the boldness in the older ver of the KBI reprise but i guess it’s more jeremy-ish for him to be timid 

-Tiffany Mann’s Vocals Are So God Tier That I Am Hesitating To Say Anything Else About Smartphone Hour 

-WAIT WHAT THE FUCK

-”BURNED DOWN JAKE’S HOUSE”??????

-trust me i am noticing + reacting to every changed lyric + bit of dialogue but sometimes it’s not worth commenting on, the pants song is still fun and unimpactful even with the good Say It Like You’re In The Army dialogue 

-i’m at the point where i’m curious about who in the cast enjoys being in the show and who just wanted to go to broadway, not because of anyone’s performance, just because it’s been like what 4 years? i love this musical but it must be tiring especially w how badly critics are panning bmc 

-Now Put Those Pills In That Beaker And Fill It With Mountain Dew 

-i already said everything i need to say about Pitiful Children after i saw the show, no major changes (in the song or my feelings) since then (i like how campy the Everything About Us part is in the new ver though) 

-literally all i have to say about The Play is...Kung Fu Fists Activate 

-that’s a lie, i really like the Glitch Voice Jeremy thing, and it’s SO good how they extended the “jeremy~” to the same length as his standard “christine~”, and LGW in the background during the Mountain Dew Red thing was good

-so was “AH” “oh god” “AH!!!!” “OH GOD” 

-”私は日本から来ました”.........

-i have tried to decipher. the squip’s meltdown jpn speech. so many times. and he was saying “i came from japan” this WHOLE time?? mr joe iconis i want a refund 

-THE MARACAS IN VOICES. THEY’RE SO GOOD. 

-actually i’m really into the new arrange!!! the new lyrics i’ll have to think about...i do like how it seems like they really tried to flesh out the characters and the theme of Everyone’s Going Through It but putting in the morals in the girls’ seemed a liiiitle forced...man now i really wanna see the show again just to know how much effort they really put into turning the characters into Not just stereotypes so!! curious there 

-anyway the new voices is def a bop, probably the most pleasantly surprise in the whole thing!!

-okay 4 final words: bowling. alley. performance. art.  

How about 6, 10, and 19 for the music meme? :)

6. three songs you wish you could erase from history(because they’re terrible)

MarryMe–Train (it’s a bit hypocritical of me to loathe this song as much as Ido, considering my parents met in a bar and my mother decided before the end of the night theywere going to get married [trust me, this is the most unbelievably hilariousstory if you know these two hyper-rational teetotaling squares], but that yearit was all over the radio made me ragey beyond all measure)

GirlCrush—Little Big Town (ohhhhhhh let me tell you a story. So, background forthose who haven’t heard how much of a clueless fool I am: My gf and I were *basically*dating for six months before she told me she had feelings for me, which took mecompletely by surprise and was the first time I even realized she was intoladies. I had, btw, already moved in with her and Kiddo by this point. So, she’dbeen tearing herself up for months feeling guilty for having feelings and for not tellingme about her feelings and for all kinds of other reasons that could have beenavoided if we weren’t both absolutely ridiculous. Right before she finally toldme, this effing song came out, which I know only because one of our coworkers leaveshis radio on a country station at all times. Like, doesn’t bother to turn itoff when he leaves for meetings or goes home for the day, and clearly doesn’tpay much attention to it even when he is there. And that station was playingthis song constantly. So here we are in a deeply conservative office, she’s gotherself all twisted up in knots about her feelings for me, and the mosthomophobic fucker in the place has this infuriating song pumping out of hiscubicle five times a day. So, yeah, erasing this thing from history is reallytoo good for it.) (And the cherry on top is that I actually LIKED this bandbefore this happened. They have some good songs! But I will never, ever be ableto listen to them again without spiking my blood pressure.)

Boomerang—BarenakedLadies (just in case anyone thought I was just blindly devoted to them [which…fair enough], if Icould be sure where this track was on my GrinningStreak CD, I might scratch it off with a rusty nail. I would have dislikedit on principle anyway, but it just so happened to come out while I was stillprocessing breaking up with my ex, who probably would have written these lyricshimself about our relationship if he had any writing talent to speak of. Tomake matters worse, it’s catchy and Ed’s at the top of his vocals game. Evennow, I listened to the first little bit and was seriously reconsidering whetherit deserves all the hate I have for it…and then the chorus.) (So OF COURSE thiswas their only US single off that album.) (PS: YES I realize the irony in thefact that this song makes me this mad, yet Spike is one of my favoritecharacters. If middle-aged Canadian alt-rockers were his thing, he would havebeen listening to this on repeat while making his way to the Demon Trials. Ican only say in my defense that it isn’t until he realizes this attitude is awful that he levelsup to be one of my faves.)

10. three favourite Halloween/spooky songs

Midnightin Montgomery—Alan Jackson (this is one of those very occasional country songs that makes it to the radiothat is legitimately well-written, lyrically, musically, and from a storyperspective. I grew up hearing it, and slowly came to understand and love it asI leaned harder into my love of all things spooky and learned more about musichistory.) (it’s also tangentially related to your interests, BizOp :D)

ZombieJamboree—Rockapella (just as much fun as “Monster Mash” and “Dead Man’sParty,” but it doesn’t get half the attention)

The Ravenstag–Halia Meguid (Fannibals, y’all.)

19. three songs that are your guilty pleasure

99Problems—Hugo (I mean, it’s never not going to be “99 Problems”, but it’ssuch a good song, otherwise. And yes, that sentence does make sense.)

Somebody’sFool—Lari White (I listened to Wishesapproximately a billion times when I was in junior high, and I just learned whilelooking for this link that White passed away in January of this year, possiblythe very day I decided it was finally time to put “Now I Know” on the Anti-LoveAlbum. And now I’m real sad.)

Like I’mGonna Lose You—Meghan Trainor feat. John Legend (my deep and abiding JohnLegend love just barely ekes past my deep and abiding disdain for Trainor. Ifthe harmonies weren’t absolutely spot on, though, there’s no way I could get pastthe fact that she did her goddamn “HEY!” thing even in the middle of a frickin’ ballad.)

I’m gonna go be sad about Lari White for a while. QUICK SOME ONE ASK ME ANOTHER TO DISTRACT ME

Jesse Byers?

Sometimes it’s hard to explain to my friends or even fellow OA fans how I have come to a particular theory or stumbled upon a piece of information that may or may not be relevant, to anything at all really. It makes me sound like an absolute psychopath...which I am not...not yet, anyway. Are Brit & Zal trying to alienate OA fans from the people who used to love us so that we have no choice but to join some cult? ;) I don’t really think so, they seem like nice, good people...people who are too fucking genius but I won’t hold intelligence against them, even if I really wish I were that brilliant & creative too.

Anyway, I thought I’d share just one of my trips down one rabbit hole and where it got me so that you can share in the insanity too.

So one thing that left wanting more was Jesse. Why did he not seem to have a last night? What was the deal with his parents? They gave us all these visual clues but not a lot to hold onto for sure.

So what do we know about Jesse really? We know that he is essentially an orphan. We know that he remembers his dad from being a little kid, that his dad carried him to the car on some trip to Canada when he was little. He tells Uncle Carl the story about feeling like he was “floating”. Aside from that, we only know that his dad “left”. We know that his mother committed suicide and that he and his older sister Ali now live by themselves in a big family house in Crestwood. Ali appears to own a small business installing wood floors, I assume that it was probably a family business but we don’t know for sure. We’re pretty sure that Ali has a girlfriend named Maureen. We know that Jesse & Ali have both become big potheads, probably in an attempt to numb themselves from feeling the trauma they have experienced.

Anyway, when we meet Ali, we also get to see a glimpse into Jesse’s house. Stranger Things is playing on the tv. There are drawings all over the walls, as if someone has gone crazy. At first I thought that maybe the kids were responsible for the drawings since they no longer had any parental supervision, no authority figure to tell them to stop. But then I started to think that perhaps the drawings were a clue about their recently dead mother. Maybe she made the drawings? We see a weird-looking humanoid figure, a small airplane, a horse, some other scribbles and some scary anthropomorphized trees. The trees in particular reminded me of something...something that had crossed my mind several times while watching The OA. The movie Return to Oz, which I was majorly into as a little girl. I even dressed up as Ozma for Halloween one year. Anyway, in this version, the flying monkeys have basically been replaced by “The Wheelers,” a brigade of part man/ part bicycle creeps who serve as the Gestapo for Princess Momby. When Ali says “she better not be some giant blind creep”, it occurred to me that their mother might actually be Nancy Wheeler. Which meant that the dad could very well be Jonathan Byers. The dates don’t seem to exactly match up regarding their ages but nothing ever seems to match up perfectly when it comes to stories of interdimensional travel, does it? I could be totally wrong here but stick with me for a moment. Since Jonathan’s father Lonnie left, it’s not much of a reach to think that history might have repeated itself and that Jonathan did the same thing. Was Nancy continuously haunted by memories of her visit to the Upside Down and close encounters with the Demagorgan, another “giant blind creep”? Hmm.

Even though The OA tells us that logic is overrated, we can actually make it useful here. When trying to prove something unknown using the rules of logical inference, if we don’t have quite enough information to go on, we can start by making an assumption. So that is what I am doing here. Assuming that Nancy Wheeler and Jonathan Byers are Jesse’s parents. Really I just need him to have a last name. So Byers it is. So I google “Jesse Byers” and the top hit seems to be some kid who auditioned for American Idol. Oh yeah, Miles name drops American Idol right before Steve punches him in the throat. Yep, this must be the guy. So I visit his Youtube channel and see that he sings all sorts of cover songs. So I narrow it down to videos that were posted within a few months of the initial airing of The OA season 1 and scan the titles. One in particular jumps out at me, “God is Great, Beer is God & People are Crazy.” Now that sounds right up our alley so I try watching it. I can’t fucking understand a damn word he’s singing so I google the lyrics instead. It’s about this guy who goes to a bar and meets an old man and they chat about things and the guy tells him “God is great, beer is good & people are crazy”. Later the guy spots the old man’s obituary and sees that he was a millionaire and that he had given his fortune away to a man he hardly knew. Ultimately we’re supposed to understand that the guy singing was the recipient of this inheritance. Ok, so whatever. So I decide to google that plot and wouldn’t you know, it’s a movie called “If I had a Million” from 1932.

I start looking at the credits for this movie for people named Will/ Bill, Billy, Billie, Willie, any version of William and right off the bat I see that one segment was written by a man named William Slavens McNutt so I follow him. Of course W.C. Fields who stars in that segment is a familiar name to me and I start to wonder what his full name is. Go figure, another William. Born William Claude Dukenfield. So now we’re definitely onto something, especially considering that Crestwood is actually set in Claude, Michigan. Hot on the trail! So I learn some shit about W.C. Fields and I learn that he had 2 sons, both named William. WTAF?!!! W.C. Fields Jr. is his “legitimate” son with his wife and then William Rexford Fields Morris is born out of wedlock & raised in foster care whom only ever meets his father one time. How shitty!

So upon googling “William Morris”, I ended up down a path to a different William Morris, an artist/ POET/ designer from 19th century England. Sort of odd but I follow the lead. He was married to an architect named Jane Burden...hmm, “the burden of raising a blind child”, maybe I’m still on the scent. Anyway, this William Morris was a big influence on Victorian period design including stained glass windows. He’s also into fantasy fiction, medievalism and socialism. He was really into the preservation of old buildings. He & some pals establish William Morris, Marshall, Falkner & Co. They opwn Liberty Department Store in the west end of London which becomes known for their floral and graphic prints that came to define the Victorian period. I learn a bunch of interesting potentially relevant factoids before discovering that the costume department there is directed by a guy named Edward William Godwin. Uh oh, another god damn William...better go follow him now. Immediately I find out that he is an architect/ designer known for RUSKINian gothic style and holy fuck shit motherfucker I’m still hot on the trail...somehow. This guy has a Japanese influence and I look up some of his buildings and holy shit...one of them looks exactly like Georgetown-fucking-University...which from here on out, I must refer to as GFU. Wouldn’t you know, that is where Brit & Zal met. Now I realize that not everyone would actually recognize that some random-ass castle in England looks exactly like GFU. But I do because I grew up in that area. Again, they are speaking a language I just happen to know. Weird and fucked up. So anyway, then I’m looking for the next Will and I find him. Edward William Godwin apprenticed to an engineer (hello, medium & engineer anyone?) where he met reform Gothic Designer, William Burges.

And here’s where shit gets weird, if it wasn’t already. I click on the Wikipedia link for William Burges and I don’t find another Victorian dude, I find a story about Benjamin Kyle or Burger King Doe and my brain quite literally explodes. I’m dead. And I still haven’t solved a damn thing.

One Year

Trying to come up with the words that describe the heartache and utter devastation the one year anniversary of his death affects me. Listening to Aladdin Sane today then watching The Last Five Years with my husband it broke my heart all over again. Let me say that first and foremost everyone grieves in their own way and I can’t really say that the “older” generations have the right to feel worse, cry harder, grieve more. But here’s the thing. I AM one of those older generation people no matter how much I hate to admit it. I see posts from people who I know are DECADES younger than I am saying their world is over, broken hearts and the like and you are allowed to feel that IF thats truly how you feel. There have been so many bandwagoners coming out of the shadows wanting to join the grief and that’s utter bullshit and here’s why. Here’s the rundown of MY life pertaining to Bowie. At age 6 at my cousin’s bday party at a disco (yes a real live disco) I heard Fashion for the first time and my mom tells me I used to walk around saying “I am a goon squad beep beep” excuse the 6 year old me for the incorrect lyrics but there it is. My brother was way into him and thus I grew up knowing the lyrics for every album, tape, cd and yes even 8-track. Age 12 I saw Labyrinth in the theaters and suddenly wanted to marry the Goblin King and help reign over his goblins. My first rock concert was the Glass Spider Tour. When I was 16 I was introduced into the Rocky Horror Show. Which yes, Richard O’ Brien did get the inspiration from Bowie. I played Magenta for 6 years. My boyfriend at the time was hung up on Ziggy Stardust and would play Space Oddity on his guitar constantly. Graduation from high school - Heroes was playing. Various good times through my life have had a Bowie song somehow related. 1999 one of my fav songs was Californication. Not even realizing The Chili Peppers sang “Cobain, can you hear the spheres singing songs off Station to Station?” of course the nod to Kurt Cobain who died in ‘94 and covered The Man Who Sold The World (and i still consider it the best cover of a Bowie song ever). Fell in love with vampires via The Hunger (which links Susan Serandon to him via RHPS and The Hunger) and i looked high and low for an ankh necklace like the one in the movie. I won’t bore you with more in depth instances but I will say having a son I have run into David via Spongebob, The Venture Bros and recently Duncan’s movie Warcraft. Through my life he gave me the courage to be myself, not give a shit about the “norm”. He was there in good times and bad, breakups with boyfriends and brought me and my best friend Tim together closer than any people have a right to be. Dressing him up as Ziggy all those Halloweens ago and watching him almost break an ankle on his stack heel boots are my favorite memories.  So there it is. I have lost a lot of people throughout my life but none (excluding my mother) I have mourned deeper, longer, harder than David. He lost his life to cancer (as my mom did) and I survived it 9 years ago with a lot of his music pulling me through. I dread every day knowing he’s not here. Tomorrow will hurt the most. Then next year and the year after. I will cry, I will scream and my heart will break all over again. I still see him everywhere in obscure ways and will treasure that for as long as possible. My heart bleeds for wife Iman, his daughter Lexi for I know how it hurts to lose a parent, and most of all Duncan. Again I know the loss and heartache to lose a parent but to also have a child that will never know the love and beauty and strength of that grandparent. So.. um yeah there it is. I say to all the people he truly touched and who have the legitimate hurt in their hearts I am so sorry you have to share this heartache but as cheesy as it is remember Oh no love! You’re not alone! For the band wagoners out there who are barely older than a fetus f#%k off and find another band wagon to jump. I’m a Blackstar

How’d Winston Do This Weekend? 10/12-10/14

WHATTTTT A SWEET DELICIOUS DADDY OF A WEEKEND! I had a show each night. Two booked and one open mic. I love weekends where I am working. This coming weekend I’m off because of a wedding, but then after that it is back to work!!!

Let’s start with Friday night. I figured I was in town so I might as well head down to Slyderz in Richmond. This room on Friday night’s is run by Lynn Painter, who used to run a show at Cary 100 on Wednesdays. It’s an urban room with dope staff, and killer wings and sliders. I got there at around 7:15 and only other person there was the bartender. 

I ended up ordering the dry rub wings and they were absolutely delicious! I am a wing boy. I love chicken wings. This was like the 5th time in 7 days where my dinner was chicken wings. I am going to die young, but I will have a huge smile in the casket with sweet buffalo sauce and lemon pepper running through my veins.

Lynn showed up around 7:50 and started to set up. We caught up a bit, and shot the shit until a couple other comics showed up. Chris St. John and Moe Singleton. Both newer comics who are out here grinding at shows. Chris had a ukulele with him and was also carrying a copy of the book Psycho Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz. It’s basically a self help book written by a plastic surgeon. I know nothing about it other than it sounds like it would be some of the most superficial wack ass shit of all time, but Chris swears by it. 

Turns out he set some of the groundwork for a lot of modern self-help books and workshops. It’s all about getting a positive outcome through visualization. So sounds pretty interesting, but honestly I’ve never been into self-help stuff. It always feels like common sense with fancy wrapping paper and a price tag on it. But if it works for you laydees more power to you. I am definitely a proponent of self-fulfilling prophecy so I don’t have too much room to talk.

At this point it starts to look like nobody is going to show up. It is after 8 (the start time) and we have a limited number of comics and no audience, but then they started to come in. When the show started we ended up with about 11 ppl there, so we were ready to get it on the road.

Lynn went first and was performing with hip-hop music playing super loudly behind him. He did a good job of making sure the audience was done ordering, and eating by the time he brought the first comic up which is always appreciated.

The first comic up was Moe. The best part is Moe had been waiting like 35 minutes for his wings to get there. As soon as his wings arrive and he takes his first bite Lynn yell’s, “give it up for MOE SINGLETON!” 

That is one of the great fears as a comedian. That your sweet, delicious, precious, dripping with sauce wings will arrive as soon as you’re called on stage. 

So Moe is up there doing his material with Asian Zing sauce on his hands an the has an ok set. A lot of stuff doesn’t work but he has some stuff that does. There is one lady in the audience who is throwing shade the entire set. Just side comments and being salty during the set. The highlight of which was Moe closing super strong doing his best joke, and people start clapping. She responds by saying, “y’all really gonna clap for that? Ok then.” Which honestly absolutely destroyed me. 

I am up second and I decide that Im going to have to get control of this crowd. So I start my set by talking to “the mean lady”. Just busting her balls by asking her why she had to be so mean to Moe. That we are all following our dreams and she’s just ruining them, and it was killing. It was a super fun set. I ask her what her name is and she avoids the question multiple times by shoveling fries in her mouth which was absolutely hilarious to me. This goes on for like 5 minutes and I get other people involved and it turned out into being a super fun set.

Honestly those are the best and most fun ways to handle a heckler. It was addressed to the point where she apologized to Moe but nothing was said that was so mean that she’d feel offended and walked out. She was laughing and having a super fun time as well. 

After getting control of the room I did about 2 new jokes and they both worked really well. They were both race jokes, and I like gauging an all black crowd to make sure that what I'm saying makes sense and isn’t ridiculous and offensive. 

I’d give this set about an A-. I felt really good about it, and it was definitely the best set of work week. It put me in a good mood for the two booked shows I had the rest of the weekend.  Definitely a dope start to the weekend.

Saturday I had a super chill and relaxing day which was nice. I almost completely forgot I was booked at The Push comedy theatre in Norfolk VA. I was supposed to be on the showcase, but regular host/comic Hatton Jordan was under the weather and needed someone to host and zaddy needs the money so I agreed. 

They had several dropouts so I had to snag a comic to ride with. I figured I’d pick a newer comic who could use the experience, so I guilted Rick Williams to skip his hockey game to ride with me.

We headed down, and had a super good conversation about comedy, Richmond, goals, aspirations, and just bad show stories. So it made the 2+ hour trip go by super fast.

We get there a little early and decide to look for a bite to eat. We find this hole in the wall taco bar called Sanctuary. It is sketchy looking af. It is down an alley, it has a flickering light overhead and absolutely no way to see inside or out. 

We go in and we are in this super narrow but dope spot. There is two tables and then the rest of the building is a bar that runs all the way back to the kitchen.  There is like pop/punk art on the wall, and they’re playing some rocking tunes over the speakers and running music videos that don’t match the songs on the televisions. It is like we are in a refurbished lane from a shooting range it is so narrow.

The tacos were delicious and the bartender was super nice. This will definitely be my spot to eat whenever I'm invited back to The Push.

We go over and check out part of the show going on before us. It is an improv theatre so they’re doing an improvised Halloween show to a nearly sold out crowd. The audience is loving it even if Improv isn’t my cup of tea. We watch for about thirty minutes and decide to head to the lobby to get ready for the show.Once in the lobby the other comics start to arrive including Kyle Phalen and Nick Deez (rva transplant). 

The first show ends and they make na announcement that if you were there for the first show you get into the stand up show for free. This is dope and we get a pretty good retention with about 20 people staying for the stand up show. This coupled with the people that bought tickets led us to having about 35+ ppl at the show which was sick.

They had us set up with a music mic stand stand, I said bump that and went to the car to get a traditional one. I just never really like anything but a round base mic stand. I might be crazy but it just is comfortable.

The show starts and I do about 15 or 16. I had a pretty good hosting set. I get so in my head and don’t do what I should do which is crowd work. I do about 1 minute of it and then go into my material. Half of my stuff hits really hard, the rest does ok, and only one thing doesn’t work at all. All in all for a host set it was pretty dope. I’d say this was a C. 

Honestly compared to what I can do I’d say this was definitely average, but that’s ok. People are now settled down and ready for the show. I did my job as a host, and I can tell people appreciated what I was doing. The big pops really popped.

Next up is Rick Williams, and he DID NOT DO SO HOT. Oooooweeeee laydees. He definitely was having one of those sets where you can tell the person on stage is hating it. It was a good learning experience for him. He’s in that stage of being a new comic where a lot of what he writes is sexual, violent, edgy, etc. 

It was cool to see him work through that, end up getting a few laughs and realize once he got off stage that he has other things he needs to work on. Always impressive to see a new comic really understand that not everything is going to work everywhere and it is good to be versatile. 

Later Nick Deez went up and had the set of the night. The people really dug and vibed with what he was doing on stage. He’s about a year in, and def making some strides. These are some of my fav people to bust balls with, so we were having a blast after the show.

I was singing a cover of Harvey Danger’s Flagpole Sitta where I changed all of the lyrics to being about Rick bombing. I had so much fun I’m definitely recording a cover of it on Garageband and when he leasts expects it I will release it haha.

All in all a super dope night with good friends. The ride back was fun as well. We got deeper into comedy, and our fears about doing it. Talked about my hopeful future move, and why I’m so scared of it. 

We really got into some kinda deep territory, but it was definitely good to do. I am super self conscious about my self and especially my comedy. I pride myself on being the hardest working comic in the area. All I can control is how many shows I do, how much I write, and how critical I am of myself. I legitimately will do and have done shows anywhere. I’ve done clubs, colleges, coffee shops, urban rooms, improv theatres, dive bars, redneck bars, nightclubs, alt rooms, theatres, I've opened for bands, singers, poets, drag shows, and this week I’ll be performing on my first burlesque show. Unfortunately I always have this fear that I can’t cut it in certain rooms, but each show is a reminder that that is bullshit and I’ll put my stuff up against whoever.

We ended our night getting McDonalds drive thru at 2 am, and that is the perfect way to end a night of comedy. I went to sleep happy knowing I had brunch and one last show the next day.

Sunday I go to brunch with Brock Hall and Rick Williams at Metro Diner in Willow Lawn. It was a nice relaxing brunch which I followed up with watching the last Harry Potter movie. 

Then it was time to get ready to head down to Newport News to be on Sunday Funnies at Cozzy’s Comedy Club which is Virginia’s longest continuously running comedy club. I always enjoy this show, because it is run and booked by my good friend Holly Owens. 

This week Mu Cuzzo was hosting and the lineup was filled with some of my favorite people to hang and chill with. Closing it out was Sid Bridge who runs the open mic at Cozzys and is an all around swell jew. We also had Jounte Ferguson, Torrey Huggins, and Ryan Valentine on the mic. Allison Moore was also on the show and finally there was Mike Jay. I’ve never met or seen Mike Jay before but he seemed like a good guy.

This is one of those shows that you have to make fun. There were 13 people there and 5 of them weren’t on the show and weren’t employees. But honestly Mu brought some good energy in what I assume was his first time hosting. We all just got into it and it became one giant super fun workshop.

Jounte did a new joke about how he might have slept with a r******d girl. I work at a school for autism so I don’t use that word on stage, it doesn’t work for me personally, but I will never police a comic’s language on stage. 

When I went up I just made myself have fun. I did nothing but crowdowrk for the first 8 minutes and it was all me asking questions to Jounte about how it was a “maybe.” Like how didn’t he know, and asking him a bunch of questions. he was getting so uncomfortable it was hilarious. Everybody was dying laughing and we were all having such a good time. I then closed with 4 minutes of new jokes and they didn’t go so hot. With an intimate crowd they really wanted the crowd work which was ok. I had a super hot and fun set and I'd honestly say for the room and how everyone else’s set went I’d give myself an A-.

The rest of the show was fun. Allison had a fun set as well, and Mike Jay did fine. He had some questions after the show about Clash of the Comics at the Richmond FunnyBone so we chatted about that for a bit before I left. 

Sid closed it out and I forgot he has a few jokes I really really dig. He has one about replacing any word in a sentence with the word “jew” and it becomes offensive and it’s a great joke. I’d never seen him play bass on stage but I guess that’s what he closes with. 

This was a fun show and my entire ride home I just kept thinking to myself how good it felt to do super well in front of nobody.

All of my success is tied directly to how much fun I am having on stage and I always forget that. Even in tough or weird rooms with or without audiences I need to remember I love comedy and that this shit is supposed to be fun.

So that was my weekend and it was super fun and delicious so until next time LAYDEES!!! I LOVE YOU ALL XOXO

Kevin

In the song hercules, he loved how the piano had a descending chromatic scale and an ascending chromatic scale going at the same time at the end of the song and he made me sing it with him in his car. He weighed 135 pounds at one point, which he shared with me on the swing set by his house while we were holding hands and pretending to be “tadpoles.” He loved going to the mall. He said it made him feel calm. We had plans go to a spa to relax one day. He loved cinnabon and basically all desserts. He remembered the orange julius reference from Wedding Singer when we went to get an Orange Julius once. He told me that I sounded like Kirsty from Pentatonix and he wanted to do a cover with me one day. He would arrange songs in my room with me because he wanted to be around people. He enjoyed being around people before he was really sad. He loved going out to eat at restaurants. He always asked me if I was cold when we sat outside to talk. He would put his head on my lap when he was really sad. He was terrible at music theory in terms of memorizing terms, but he had a great ear and was one of the best musicians I know. I love his cover of Cake by the Ocean and I wish he did more solo stuff. He loved social media. He loved performing. He never got stage fright. Near the end, he wanted to do tonal memory exercises and that was the happiest I had seen him in weeks. He showed me everything from his childhood the week before this happened. He was born in his first house and wrapped in foil. He went to a catholic elementary school where they made him wear red pants everyday. He was amazing at his high school. Everyone loved him. We got Dairy Queen that same day and went to Denny’s. He has a gazebo and a zen garden in his backyard. A separate time, we went to 24 hour fitness to get him a membership. He was so motivated. He always wanted to better himself. He loved giraffes and wanted me to crochet him a hat with the spots of a giraffe on it but grey and white. I told him that would look like a cow. He never prepared for his lessons in choral methods, but got the same grades as me. He was a fabulous teacher. He enjoyed arranging music. He liked vlogging and asked me to vlog with him. He said that if he could, he’d have his primary instrument be the cajon. He loved Pokemon go. And drawing. We had jam sessions with him on piano and both of us singing. He was great at imitating styles of music on piano. We would go to sushi infinity by his house a lot. And one time, Nick and I met him in a Safeway parking lot after he was just eating McDonald’s in his car being sad. I think Nick made him feel better when he talked to him. He liked showing people all the things he’d accomplished. He hated the song stitches by Sean Mendez. He said the lyrics were “juvenile.” one time after a choral methods class, we listened to almost all of an us the duo CD. He was so proud that he got to host them at a concert in his hometown. We went to multiple Halloween stores to buy our costumes. He wanted to dress as the other Kevin but chose to be Spongebob instead. He had a crush on Selena Gomez. He prepped so much for his concert choir warm-ups. I liked holding his hand when he was sad. He drove me to every concert, observation and lesson we had. I’m so glad we took the conducting series at the same time because we always sort of got lumped together during it for projects and songs. We would work on our songs together. I would always remind him about due dates because he was terrible at remembering that stuff. His community was super small. We went to a sushi place called Yo Sushi and he knew people that were eating there. He loved Pentatonix and musical theatre. I wanted a recording of him singing shiksa goddess because I knew it would be amazing. His voice was wonderful. He drew a picture for me specifically because he wanted something of his to be on my wall. He loved video games. He also liked going to Round 1. He wanted to save up his points to get something of value at the rewards place. He told me that he had tried every sport and sucked at all of them. He was deeply saddened by that, I think. He also was terrible at dancing. He was great at make up. He had a stage voice that was nothing like his regular voice. He was really good at doing an impression of a country singer. He knew how to play sax and showed me a video of him playing in high school. He watched The Good Dinosaur with me but I don’t think he liked it that much. We practiced for guitar fundamentals together and I was in awe at how good he was at figuring out melodies on the guitar. He played If I Ain’t Got You by Alicia Keyes. I never saw him frustrated while looking for parking. It was never awkward talking to him because we had a shitton in common. He worked at Six Flags dressed up as one of the characters (I think Bug’s Bunny?) for a day or two and he said it was awful. He stayed over at my dorm once and told me a bed time story. It was about some kind of animal that was an outcast in his community and he gained self-confidence. I fell asleep and he pulled an all-nighter. He loved wearing maroon. He went on a shopping spree during winter break to treat himself. He bought this skate thing that he never used. He wanted to wear heely’s to school but was afraid people would judge him. He did an impression of everyone and he was always spot on. Especially Dr. Benson.  He wanted to dye his hair silver but he thought he might look like Danny Phantom. His dad is super musical like him. His momma would write instagram posts about his dog and he would say it was “such a mom post.”  Kevin and I were rivals at this piano game at round. Over winter break, during my first year at SJSU, he was obsessed with this pool app on his phone and we played it late into the night. He got legitimately mad at me for not liking Pentatonix new album. He said he hated everything about the children’s song Chay Chay Cool ay. The first jam session we ever had, we sang Falling Slowly from Once. On his birthday, Nick bought him a four horsemen and he threw up in the bathroom but kept on partying. I played smash at his house with Jonathan and AJ and when I was leaving he was like “wait, take them with you.” He somehow always convinced me to work on homework with him when all I wanted to do was procrastinate. The first two secrets he ever told me were that he got along with girls more than guys and that his best friend passed away in the 4th grade and how that deeply affected him. 

Survey #124

“you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

Do you like your name? Ye. Have you ever wished to be your opposite gender? No. If you were to have children, what would you name them? Alessandra and Severin. Do you even like kids? The only kids I legitimately like are my niece and nephew. In general, not fond of them. What time do you usually go to sleep on a weekday? Typically past 11. What's your favorite word? Serendipity. Have you ever tYpED lYk dIs at some point in your life? Look I've been a cringefest, but I was never that bad. What's your dream career? Meerkat biologist. If you could be any other race, what would you be? Asian. What are you listening to right now? Nothing atm. Grab any book by you, turn to page 69! There's no book near me. Do you like country music? Omg no. How would you like to die? In my sleep. Do you like taking pictures? Not of myself. Do you use ":]" a lot? I never do. Are your neighbors annoying? No. Ice cream or popsicles? Ice cream. What was the last thing you drank? Orange juice. The last time you left your house? Where did you go? Yesterday, to go pick up a rat. Are you loving life? Yup. Do you like the way you write? Yeah, but it could be better. What's your favorite animal? Meerkats. How many times have you used the restroom today? Idk, I don't keep track. Are you hungry right now? No. Turn on your TV (unless it's already on). I don't have a TV in my room. Do you like video games? Yessss. What's your favorite Pokemon? Ninetales. What's the last thing you watched on YouTube? I'm watching Mark's charity stream. Are you cool with bugs? Depends on the bug. Do you like Halloween? I do not simply "like" Halloween. What do you want for your birthday/Christmas? Birthday's passed, for Christmas I'm probably asking for a PS4. Have you ever fasted? Nope. What's going on tomorrow? I'm sure nothing extraordinary. Are you doing well in school? I'm not in school. Do you have online friends? Almost all my friends are online. Do you think you're popular? Definitely not. How much money's in your wallet? I think... $21? When's the last time you laughed really hard? A little while ago at something that was said in the stream. What's on the cover of your science binder? N/A Do you believe there's such a thing as a non-racist person? Duh. Do you pass on chain letters? No, they're annoying as hell. What do you do for fun at home? Uh. Can you wiggle your ears? No. Why did the chicken cross the road? It actually took me years to understand "to get to the other side." Do you like your voice? Not really. Are you good at giving/receiving compliments? I give compliments a lot, but I get shy upon receiving them. Have you ever won a contest? Yes. What are you using for your messenger avatar/icon? Messenger oooon...? Can you imitate something/someone well? The British accent. What's your favorite amusement park? Disney World. Do you have any REAL autographs? (not the cheap ones on posters) No. Do you cry easily? I cry very easily. What's something you do at home that you don't do in public? Uhhhh idk. What do you think about boyfriends/girlfriends? I don't get this question. What's something you regret doing as a child? Slapping my little sister. Have you ever met a homosexual person? Yeah. Do you like sour cream? Eh. What color are your fingernails? Unpolishedd. Do you like animal crackers? They're not my favorite thing in the world. Can you do a split? No. What do you smell like? Idk. Have you ever done anything stupid at a drive-thru? Don't think so? Do you like to use song lyrics that relate to you? What do you mean by "use?" Do you have a problem with odd numbers? No. What's something you're proud of? Recovery. Do you think you'd be a cool teacher? No. What are your pet peeves? My biggest is a bitchy one: I don't like when people talk to me when I have headphones on. How do you pronounce "caramel"? "CARE-uh-mel" If you could be any animal in the world, what would you be? A wild cat. Are you the jealous type? Rarely. Do you keep a journal/diary? No. Have you ever used Xanga? No. What fingers do you use to type? All of them. Is there something you need to/have to do to be able to sleep? I need Melatonin and I have to have just gone to the bathroom. What day is it tomorrow? Tuesday. What's your favorite game? Silent Hill 2 and Shadow of the Colossus.