#you cannot believe my shock when I see one of my moots on my new acc
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eyes on you.
a george weasley x reader wherein a certain ginger catches the reader dancing around in the joke shop.
WARNING: none !!
A/N: actually dreamed about this one so i hope you love this as much as i did because i woke up with the biggest smile on my face uwu oh and the H/N you’ll see by the middle means house name !! ^^
---
“Seriously, L/N! No funny business while I’m gone!” Fred joked, putting on his coat as he was getting ready to go out and buy some ingredients for a new product they were working on.
You rolled your eyes and shrugged, “Honestly Freddie, I have no idea as to what you’re on about. I’m a complete angel.” An innocent smile plastered on your face as he squinted at you, shaking his head at your statement.
“That’s quite hard to believe, Y/N. Anyways, I’ll be off! Don’t miss me too much, Georgie would be back from the Burrow soon anyways.” He said, sending you a playful wink as he stepped out of the shop, apparating to wherever their supplier might be at.
You turned around and scanned the shop, noticing how everything was at a disarray from yet another busy day of kids buying goods they would bring to Hogwarts and other people who just wanted a good laugh. Sighing softly, you headed off to the back and grabbed the portable muggle vinyl player you bought.
“Let’s test you out, bad boy.” You whispered softly and accio-ed the vinyl records you bought with you. Smiling to yourself, you gently placed the first record on and music suddenly filled the quiet store, The Ronettes’ Be My Baby resonating through the store’s wall.
A wide smile spread on your lips, body moving lightly with the beat as you twirled once and started dancing as you gently flicked your wand, the products on the shelves starting to rearrange as you grabbed the broom and began to brush the floor, cleaning it from its dust and whatever it has. You danced around as you quietly sang along to the song, body never failing to groove along as you waltz around the first floor of the store.
Unknown to you however, George had apparated back from the Burrow to his and Fred’s shared apartment above the shop, dropping the rather large amount of food Molly had given them for dinner. “I miss Mother’s cooking so much. Oi Fred-” He was cut off from his sweet sentiments when he heard the rather foreign music from down below.
He quietly walked down and leaned over the railing, seeing you waltz around the shop as you cleaned, laughing softly at the sight. He found himself dancing along, blushing quietly as he realized the meaning of the song, silently wishing you were thinking of him while you sang along.
The song soon ended and you marched back up to the player and witched the vinyl, putting another vinyl on and Frankie Vallie’s Can’t Take My Eyes off You started to play, causing you to grab the broom and pretend that it’s a microphone.
“You’re just too good to be true, can’t take my eyes off you” You started to sing, slowly walking across the floor as you pretended someone was at the other end, watching you. Another big smile showing on your lips as you remembered the one person you long to sing this with.
---
It was your first day at Hogwarts, you spent your first year at Illvermorny due to your muggle mothers job being transferred there. Safe to say you were a bit shy due to the fact that you were taller than the kids you were with at the front of the Great Hall.
“(Y/N) (L/N)!” Professor McGonagall called your name out and you sat down on the chair, the Sorting Hat was placed on your head and it spent a good minute figuring out where to place you.
“Ah yes I know just where to place you! (H/N!)”
Your eyes wandered to the long table filled with cheering students, making your way there and smiled shyly at the student you sat next to. The sorting ceremony soon ended and it was now time for the feast. Your eyes widened at the fact that food suddenly popped out from the table and students just instantly started to dig in, so you helped yourself to the delicious food as well.
You looked around the hall and started to marvel at the beauty of the school you transferred to, until your gaze suddenly found a pair of red-heads sitting down just a few feet away from you, laughing loudly at what their friend said to them.
“Say… uh what’s their name?” You asked the student beside you, discreetly pointing at the twins. “Oh those are the Weasley Twins! They’re in our year. Real troublemakers they are, it’s a wonder how they get away with it despite their brother being a prefect.” She answered, helping herself back to the food.
That’s when one of them turned and met your stare, a smile on their lips as he waved at you shyly. You looked away and faced her once more, “Who’s that one?” You asked, taking a swig of your pumpkin juice.
“Oh I think that’s George. He’s the calmer one, from what I hear.”
---
“You’re that student from Illvermorny, right?” A voice asked you, causing you to look up from the book you were currently reading. Your cheeks immediately flushed at the realization of who it was. He was the same boy you were looking at just a few months ago.
“Uh, yes I am. You’re George Weasley, right?” You quietly asked, voice quiet due to the fact that your heart was pounding rather quickly. A bright smile was present on his lips as he nodded, quite pleased that someone had easily differentiated him from his twin. “What brings you here?”
He laughed softly and sat down beside you, the grin never leaving his lips. “I was rather curious as to why you keep on looking at me.” He teased, nudging you slightly in the process.
A cough escaped your lips, caught off-guard that he had actually noticed that you were looking at him from afar, silently cursing at yourself for doing such a silly thing. “O-oh , t-that. I-I’m so sorry! It’s just that-” You were cut off as he laughed out loud, his grin widening into a smile once again.
“Don’t apologize for it! You weren’t the only one anyways, are we friends now?” He asked, offering his hand. You looked at it with slight confusion before taking it with your own, “Friends.”
---
Ever since that day, the two of you were inseparable. The memory making you smile as you continue to clean, the song coming back to your senses as you jump around the room, cleaning once again.
It was soon the build-up to the chorus and you smiled at the inside joke you have with yourself when singing this song, grabbing the end of the broomstick, you sang quite loudly,
“I love you Georgie, and if it’s quite alright / I need you, Georgie, to warm a lonely night / I love you Georgie, trust in me when I say”
You laughed out loud as you continued singing, unaware of the fact that the very person you were pertaining to had his jaw slacked in shock at the words you sang. You actually felt the same way as him, his long time crush had actually felt the same way.
“There’s no need to hide now” George whispered, quickly making his way down to the floor and watched you dance along before sneaking up behind you, readying himself to sing along at the chorus of the song.
“I love you baby, and if it’s quite alright / I need you baby, to warm a lonely night / I love you baby, trust in me when I say”
George had sang along, startling the living light out of you and turned around, his bright smile on display. “George?! How long have you been there? Did you hear-” “(Y/N), look I love you too and I just want to dance with you!”
He grabbed your hand and pulled you along, dancing around the shop as the music continued to play, his voice blending along quite well as he continued, “Oh pretty baby, now that I found you stay and let me love you baby, let me love you” the smile on his lips never leaving as he swayed the both of you from side to side.
The song soon ended and the both of you just stood there in silence, looking at each other with knowing smiles before his hands came up and cupped your cheeks, thumb prodding against your soft skin as he leaned in, “May I?” his voice barely above a whisper, to which you answered with a nod.
And with that, he placed his lips on yours for a gentle kiss, making you melt right into his arms, knees growing weak at the sudden surge of happiness that flowed from your chest.
He pulled away and rested his forehead against yours, softly kissing your nose and pulled you into a tight hug, whispering the words he’s been wishing to say since the day he laid his eyes on you.
“I love you, darling.” “I love you too, Georgie.”
“Oi! What did I say about no funny business, (L/N)!”
---
TAGS: @levylovegood @vivianweasley (i’m sorry to my moots who would see this but i have lost my list of those who wanted to be tagged so i cannot for the life of me remember,, , please message me if you want to be tagged and i’ll add you straight away !!)
#george weasley#george weasley x reader#george x reader#george weasley imagines#george weasley x yn#george weasley fluff#vea writes
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Kuro 161 Summary & Thoughts
その執事、執拗： 狩るか、飼うか?
That Butler, Tenacious: To hunt or to keep?
In the previous chapter (160) we see what Rin had been trained for at last; big target assassinations. She failed at her mission and made Sebastian spill the tea. But now chapter 161 will spill... even more tea.
“Failure of a mission means death, there is no time to think, I gotta run,” Rin reasons and runs for her miserable life. It is but a simple phrase, but it adequately sums up the ways of the underground society she belongs to.
Back in the Phantomhive manor O!Ciel is understandably distraught. Sebastian however seems too amused to be bothered by such an assault on his master even though he only narrowly managed to prevent it seconds ago. I do not blame Sebastian for his peculiar priorities however.
As he claims, he cannot sense the presence of humans within the possible range of shooting, nor were his demon ears able to hear the sound of the trigger being pulled. So who or what could possibly have been able to handle a rifle and aim for his master’s little head with such astonishing accuracy and skill? Quite impressive indeed. As discussed previously in S&S Kuro 158, Rin did indeed turn out to impress Sebastian enough to spare her life.
However amused, the butler’s duty never ends. Hastily Sebastian washes and dresses his master with such astonishing speed, I bet even the dirt on the boy’s body had not noticed they were made to leave.
Without further ado Sebastian excuses himself, and the hunt is on!
Within all normal common sense, Rin believes to have secured enough distance between herself and the Phantomhive manor to be in safety. Despite her logical judgement however, she cannot help but be overcome by paranoia and check her surroundings. This shows just how much knowledge and fear Rin has gotten in her during her profession as assassin.
Then, almost like in a Looney Toons series, a figure bolting from afar leaving a train of dust and smoke behind itself approaches. The figure’s steps leave a loud train of ‘doh doh doh doh...” sounds like an overly aggressive rain dance performed by a seagullzilla. Surely the unsuspecting worms underneath the ground would at least pop out their heads to check what kind of weather would be responsible for this monstrous rainfall.
Seagullzilla’s face is now in sight, and Rin identifies it to be the butler of the household. She is shocked, but allowing the shock to sink in is a luxury that she does not have on her hands, so she decides to finish her pursuer and takes aim.
With great ease and a smile on his face, Sebastian dodges all the bullets headed for him. We know that the demon is very confident about his speed, and now even more so that he estimated to have enough time to first wash and dress his master, seat him at a table, and still be able to catch the assassin. This is yet another reminder of how terrifying our Trash Demon™ is, and that if anyone were to try escape him, they would merely have a snowflake’s chance in Hell.
Only a second ago, Sebastian was still so far away from Rin that she could take immaculate aim for the target’s vitals. Rin probably only had the time to blink, and suddenly the butler has already appeared right in front of her with apparent murderous intent.
Murderous intent indeed, but it was not her life the butler was after, but the man named Pigeon behind her who was about to silence Rin for her failure.
Again Rin does not get the time to ponder about the meaning of all that had happened, and she is already engulfed by Sebastian’s black miasma. “At last we meet.”
“Young master, pardon my insolence, but I have caught you an owl.” Sebastian has brought his prey in really not unlike a tied animal. Rin is pinned against the floor with only her hands tied back. Presumably, even Rin knew why her captor did not bother tying her feet, as any attempt to flee would prove to be moot.
“Haku of the Qing Syndicate keeps an incredibly skilled sniper named ‘Owl’ who is after my life...... it appears that this intel was correct,” the young Earl says. This catches Rin’s immediate attention and she makes the educated guess that there must be a traitor within the Syndicate. “K-kill me! Torturing me will only make your floor dirty!” Rin quickly pleads.
“Torture? Oh I will do no such inefficient thing,” Sebastian scoffs with a ridiculing smile. As it appears, the demon disagrees and looks down on torture. As discussed in this post and this post, Sebastian is indeed not unnecessarily ‘actively’ cruel; he simply does not care about the well-being of anyone he is not interested in. Or in the least, Sebastian is not cruel in a physical way (when it comes to psychological torment though, his cruelty is without peers, of course).
It is very interesting to see how the image of demons most people have is that they would resort to cruel behaviours like impaling or skinning people alive. To Sebastian who 1. is only interested in the soul of a human rather than their flesh, and 2. does not have a physical body of his own but is simply an embodiment of his mind, naturally psychological torture is so much more meaningful.
Though not entirely related to the current chapter, this bit does give a nice little insight of Sebastian’s personality. Thought for later!
Returning to the main case; clearly somebody with accurate information had informed O!Ciel of ‘Owl’s’ existence and the Qing Syndicate’s agenda. Who is this ‘traitor’? The first person to pop up in my mind was Lau, but is this instinct correct? Not very likely, but not impossible. It also entirely depends on whether Lau already knew O!Ciel or not.
Previously in chapter 159, Sebastian delivered a letter from his master’s “dearest”. Was this letter just another one of Queen Victoria’s to send her Watchdog on a mission? Or was this the letter sent by “the traitor”? Judging from the way the letter is wax-sealed, it seems more likely the sender is a person of acknowledged social standing, so the probability of a mafia member to have sent this is somewhat lower. Still, this does not rule the possibility out entirely.
Again, this is material for future speculation and revelation.
After Sebastian makes clear that he will not do anything like torture, he instead proposes something rather outlandish. His proposal is something readers like you and I have known for at least 14 years (waow...this manga is 14 years old now...), but to O!Ciel and Rin, it is something beyond their wildest expectations. “Instead, won’t you come work for the Phantomhive family?”
“What do you mean, Sebastian!?” The boy protests. “I meant my words in a literal sense,” the butler replies. “To speak entirely honestly, we have a severe staff shortage in this household. We just had to be employed be a bizarre master who just seems hell-bent on not employing new servants. If what occurred today were to happen again, Finny would simply not be equipped to handle the situation. Owl’s eyes seem to be especially efficient for far distances, they could prove to be effective in keeping watch in security.”
The young master does not seem to be convinced, and understandably so because the candidate the butler has his eyes on had indeed just made an attempt to murder him.
Sebastian assures his master that there is no need for worry as the assassination attempt has failed. He explains that failure in the underground society is not ever met with toleration. Once someone fails, they shall only be chased to the end of the world and live a life of a fugitive. Rather than being a fugitive for the foreseeable future, Sebastian proposes to Owl that starting a new life as a servant to the household would be a win-win situation for the both of them.
“Besides, Young Master, did you not say you wanted one maid in appearance alone before?”
“A maid?” the young Earl repeats in puzzlement. “Indeed. “Owl” is... from a human biological point of view, a woman.”
For many years Rin has lived as a man to protect herself from danger. The 19th century was especially unfair to person viewed as women, indeed. Though the butler exposed her secrets in an unacceptable manner, could it be that this also liberated her from having to live hiding true self from the world?
Regardless, I bet that in the next chapter, we shall find out whether Rin views this ‘exposure’ only as sexual harassment and undue exposure, or whether there is also a sense of relief mixed within.
#Kuroshitsuji#Black Butler#Summary and thoughts#Kuro 161#Kuroshitsuji Spoilers#Spoilers#Manga chapter#Kuroshitsuji 161#Chapter 161#ch 161#Meyrin#Sebastian Michaelis#Ciel Phantomhive#O!Ciel#Flashback#Owl
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BTS after a breakup
Part 2 of 3
Hyung Line
Part 2 of 3, titled This is Still So Angsty I'm Sorry
Alternate Title: Salty Bois in Their Feelings
Alternate Title 2: The Mystery of Why Any Bitch Would Break Up With J-Hope Continues
Warnings: alcohol, angst
Word Count: 3,160
Namjoon (RM)
After a month, Namjoon felt a little better
He missed you like crazy and continued to send you texts every week, but the subject matter brightened a little
He limits himself to only looking at your social media once a day, but other than a couple selfies, you have never posted much so it's a moot point except he gets to see your pretty face
He will be completely silent about the situation won't say shit about you and the boys will avoid saying your name because of the look on your face when he hears it
He drinks too much wine at dinner but he's still on top of everything
Won't ever text you unless it's that one day a week, and he spills out everything
He thinks he's doing better he's proud about his progress
Until he is cleaning the bedroom and he finds a book you were reading under the bed
It's dog-eared in the place where you'll never finish it
Bc you left it here just like you left him
He has a mini breakdown over it but manages to try and get some work done
As soon as he opens his internet browser, he knows it's just gonna be a shit day
He sees his name in the headlines
"Rap Monster Kim Namjoon's Ex and Her New Man?"
He doesn't wanna know, but he can't stop himself from clicking on it
He knows the blurry picture is you because he'd know you anywhere
It isn't as if you're all over the guy or anything, but there's a close up of you holding hands and Namjoon feels like he's been punched in the throat
The thing that really gets him though
Is that he's an idol, too
A leader, even, and Namjoon can't help feeling replaced
The reason you left, the whole issue was because he didn't have time for you but you're moving on with another idol?
It made him think it was him, not the time, that you just didn't want him
Jin calls right away to check on him
"You know how the media is, Joon. It doesn't mean anything."
He's right, of course, but when Namjoon lies down to try and sleep, the image of your hand clasped with that guy's haunts him
He texts you just one sentence that week
"I hope he makes you happy."
You call him and Namjoon is so shook he almost drops his phone
"Y/n?"
"I just want you to know that it isn't what you think."
"I guess it isn't my business anymore." He says, trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice
"I don't want you thinking..."
"What? That it wasn't the lifestyle you couldn't handle? That you just didn't want me?" He can't help the angry tears that spring to his eyes
"I never wanted anything as much as I wanted you, Joonie."
He doesn't miss that you're using the past tense.
"I mean it, you know. I hope he makes you happy." He does mean it. He always wants you to be happy
"He's just my friend, Joonie. I would never-"
He closes his eyes against the tears burning behind his lids. He doesn't want to hear you lie to him to protect his feelings
"Yeah, ok. He's a big guy, he can protect you from the paparazzi at least."
There was plenty of photos of that, too, of Hyunwoo with one big arm around you, shielding you from the cameras
"Joon, don't-"
"I miss you," he cuts you off
"I miss you, too."
Neither of you hang up for a long time, just longing for everything to go back to the way it was
Jin
Jin is absolutely not handling this well
He talks about you constantly, asking everyone for advice and boys get so tired of hearing your name jfc
Skips dance practice every other time to move around the house
Flips through your social media pics together several times a day and gets real emo
He's got a new phone and he makes your picture his lockscreen
Cannot stop drinking wine and reading articles with theories about you and your new boo
Gets tipsy and talks shit about Changkyun in troll accounts on YouTube he's that petty
Reads too many articles about Changkyun being a huge flirt and fuckboi and gets way too drunk because it makes him imagine how he is seducing you
Always on your social media acting like he doesn't give a fuck (he gives many fucks)
Likes your pictures of yourself out with Changkyun, comments 👍
Slides in your dms when he sees you're active even though he knows you'll ignore him
Won't say boo to the media just shrugs them off
Jin knows you're staying at your sister's
Everyday he tells himself not to go over there
Not to embarrass himself
But since he's gotten a new phone he can tell himself that's why you're not calling
He sits at the coffee shop by her house every morning, hoping to get a glimpse of you
When he does, of course you're with that idiot
Jin wants the ground to open up and swallow him
Luckily he's wearing a ball cap and face mask
He can hear your voice
"Thank you for being here for me through all this."
Jin watches Changkyun take your hand and he has a fantasy of breaking his fingers one by one
"Jin is an idiot for letting someone like you go, y/n."
Oh boy
So much for not embarrassing himself
Jin rips off his face mask and stalks over to the two of you
"I never let her go. You took her!" He growled, and you stand up and push him out the door to talk
Changkyun peeps his head out to ask if you're ok and it takes every bit of Jin's will not to lunge at him
"Oh will you fuck off?"
He does, and you're looking at him with your chin jutted out and he knows you're mad but he wants to kiss you so badly
"Jin, what the fuck are you doing?"
"Having coffee. Alone. Since my girlfriend left me for some kid. How about you?"
He can't help the bitterness of his words
"Well, I'm having coffee with a friend because my boyfriend fucked someone else on tour."
"Y/n, I did NOT fuck her, or anyone else for that matter."
You scoffed. "Save it, Jin. You all but told me when you were drunk dialing me last week."
"I was shitfaced! Hello! What about that picture you sent me that made me destroy my new phone?"
You shrug. "Maybe I was trying to have some fun."
Jin tugged at his hair as if he wanted to pull it out. "Fun. Fun, you say. I'm going crazy here and you're out having fun."
"Whatever. You're single now, do what you want. I am." You know you're being petty but you don't believe him, after all the pictures, all the articles, the way he had almost apologized for it
You turn to go and he grabs your wrist, pulling you to him, looking fiercely down into your eyes
"This is just a fight we're having, Jagi, yeah? It's just a fight just like the time you went to lunch with your high school boyfriend and i was an idiot and you spent a week with your parents?"
He sounds so uncertain, voice shaky, and you just want to stop this and let him hold you
"You're not really fucking him, are you?"
You pull out of his arms, annoyed
It's not like he actually cares
His pride is hurt, fragile male ego, while you're heartbroken
"It's not cheating. I'm single now, I can do what I want."
"Don't play with me, sweetheart," he warns, eyes flashing
"Or what, Mr. Worldwide Handsome? You'll fuck some idiot girl? Too late. I'm not worried about it. I'm not even thinking about it."
"Of course you aren't, you don't think of me at all, do you?"
He's angry again and you know you're being cruel but you're hurt and angry and you can't help it
"You're right. You think I imagine it's your hands on me instead of his? I don't. He's so good I never think of you." You spit out the words like venom and Jin reacts as if it were, flinching, hurt evident on his handsome face
You leave him there, standing shellshocked on the sidewalk
Yoongi (Suga)
Yoongi feels better after a good night's rest that he finally gets the next night after Hobi makes him take an Ambien
Hobi is legitimately the only human on Earth that knows, Yoongi is confident you'll be back so he swears him to secrecy
Absolutely nothing changes on his social media just work stuff as usual you've changed your relationship status to single and that stings but he won't change his
Over the two years you'd been together of course you'd had spats
You had a flair for the dramatic, it was one of the things he loved you for
He was the quiet one and you were the social butterfly, outgoing and sweet, making up for what he lacked
You were right, after all, he had been distant, with the comeback album coming out in a month
He'd been neglecting you and you just needed some attention and for him to spoil you a bit
He sent two dozen pink roses to your best friend's house with a note reading "You know I love you, brat, so come back home, yeah?"
When you don't call him in 24 hours though, he gets worried
To get his mind off things he goes out for a few beers with Namjoon and Hobi
Afterward he finds himself walking to your best friend's house
He's surprised when you are the one answering the door
You're in a bathrobe with your hair in a messy bun like you do when you're applying makeup to go out
"I'm not ready yet, Chanyeol-" you say without looking and when you see Yoongi your breath catches in your throat
His eyes are puffy as if he's been crying or not sleeping, bleached hair messy
You look so beautiful that Yoongi wants to grab you and kiss you but your words are making doubt claw in his stomach
"Expecting someone else?"
He pushes past you before you can think and when he sees the bouquet of roses on the counter he thumbs one of the petals
You eye him warily
"Yoongi, are you drunk?"
"A little," he admits easily, looking you up and down. "I've been feeling pretty shitty since my girl walked out on me."
"Maybe you should've treated her better, then." You snap back
The corner of his mouth twitches. He loves it when you're sassy, but he feels uncertainty and jealousy rising in his chest
"Did you find someone to treat you better already, princess?" His voice is low, eyes flashing almost dangerously
It's kind of hot, really
But you're in shock at his accusation
"Wh.. what?"
"Chanyeol, was it? You must've met him while I was on tour. That's why you walked out over something so stupid, huh? Just an excuse." He reaches out to pluck another petal from the rose, and although his voice sounds eerily calm you can see his hand shaking
All of a sudden you're livid. After ignoring you for two weeks and calling you a brat via roses, he's really calling your concerns stupid and accusing you of cheating
"Get out." You say, voice shaking
He smirks at you bitterly. "Time for loverboy to show up? Aw, I wanted to stick around to see what the guy who's fucking my girl looks like."
His crude words pierce through you but before you can respond Chanyeol walks through the door unannounced.
"Hey, y/n, you ready?" He looks from you to Yoongi, bewildered
He takes a few steps toward you and then stops
Yoongi looks him over and then sets his jaw as if thinking for a moment
Then he lunges at the taller man, punching him square in the nose
You scream and try and yank Yoongi off of your best friend's live in boyfriend
He's already stopped, breathing hard
You go to Chanyeol who is gasping on the floor, blood all over the shirt he was wearing to take you and your bestie out since you were feeling sad
Yoongi looks down at you, looking miserable instead of angry
"What the fuck is wrong with you? Get out!" You scream, angry tears streaking down your face
Yoongi nods, and he goes, but not before he grabs the vase of roses with one hand and hurls it against the wall, glass shattering everywhere, making you scream out in surprise
He stomps out the door, stepping over Chanyeol as if he weren't there at all
Hoseok (J-Hope)
Deals with it in the healthiest manner of all the boys even though he legit has no idea why you left
Lets himself be sad, doesn't drink too much, just maybe overworks himself a little
Social media isn't an issue since you've never posted anything but memes and an occasional silly selfie
He goes through all the pictures in his phone though and gets emo
Gives you space
Hobi gives you a few days before he tries to reach you again
He could sense that you needed some time
He was hoping that was all you needed and then you would come home and explain things
You'd always been wary of expressing your negative feelings, knowing that Hoseok was such a positive person
You always said you didn't want to bring him down or stress him out
He wishes you had talked to him more
Wishes you had known that whatever was happening, he'd be by your side to work things out
When he calls, some guy answers, and it's not your brother's voice so he's shocked for a moment
The guy says hello a couple of times before he responds
"Um, is this y/n's phone?"
That was a stupid question since he was the one who paid your phone bill, but he was shook
"Yes. She's lying down because she isn't feeling so well. Can I take a message?"
Hobi doesn't miss that you must have deleted his contact name and that stings
"Just tell her Hoseok called?"
"Sure, man."
He hangs up and drums his hands on his knees, full of anxious energy
He's trying real hard not to jump to any conclusions
He's trying to be grateful that you have someone looking out for you, but he's internally screaming
Thankfully you call him back within the hour, before he can lose his mind completely
Tears spring to his eyes the second he hears your voice saying his name
"Sunshine!" He exclaims.
You can't help but smile at his nickname for you, even though you felt a lot darker than sunshine lately
"Hey, Hobi."
"Sunshine, what's going on? Where are you?" His voice sounds thick like he's about to cry and you hate it
"Don't worry about me. I'm just fine. I'm being well taken care of."
He's very quiet, and that's so unusual for him that you feel like you need to explain
"Jackson answered the phone for me. You know, my buddy from college?"
"Buddy" was an interesting term for an old college boyfriend, but Hobi was so grateful to talk to you he didn't complain
He'd met him, anyway, several times, and you were sure it would be awkward since you and Jackson had broken up a literal week before you met Hoseok
But Hobi was so sweet and not even remotely the jealous type and they'd actually gone out for beer and chicken a few times without you before BTS started the world tour
They were both rappers of course so you were sure they'd have plenty to talk about (they talked about you, mostly)
You knew hearing that it was Jackson would put his mind at ease
It did not
As much as Hobi did like Jackson he could see the way he looked at you with longing in his eyes
But it didn't matter because you were finally talking to him
"Sunshine, why did you leave me?"
"Oh, it's a long story. I just needed to get away for a while."
"I could've gone with you. It looks like you've moved out though, babe, I just wish you'd talk to me. When are you coming home?"
The silence on the line makes him feel a thousand miles away from you
"I...I don't know if I am."
His voice was choked with tears when he spoke again
"But...but why not? What did I do?"
"Nothing! Nothing, baby, you're perfect. It's me. It's all me. I can't...I can't be what you want anymore."
"You're everything I want. You're my sunshine, you know that."
You sigh
"That's just it. I can't be your sunshine anymore. I just have to be me for a while."
"Do you think I've been putting too much pressure on you? I know I talked about flying you out on tour but I just missed you so much-"
"I think I just need to move on, Hoseok."
You using his first name, not baby, not Hobi, was a bit shocking
"Move on? What does that mean?"
He hears a racket in the background
"I gotta go, babe. I'll call you next week, okay?"
"Next week? Sunshine, wait-"
You had already hung up
Hobi burst into Jin's apartment without announcing himself, knowing he left the door unlocked when he was home
Jin stopped mid bite of ramen
"Hyung, I need to talk to you."
Jin sat down his chopsticks carefully. "You hungry?"
After he all but forced Hobi to eat a little ramen, Jin asked, "Is it about y/n?
"Yes," Hobi said, squirming in his chair
"She won't me what's wrong, only that she needs time and needs to move on."
Jin, bad at hiding his facial expressions, winced
Hobi's heart sank
"What is it?"
"I don't know, bubs, but the only times I've ever heard that from a girl it's been bad news."
"How bad?"
Jin winced again. "Look, Hobi, I really don't know. Y/n has been going through some stuff lately..."
"She has? You've talked to her?"
"She called me a couple of times crying while we were on tour."
"What?! Crying? You didn't tell me?" He's all but yelling
"She begged me not to! She didn't tell me much, just that she had been in a bad place and she didn't want to worry you. I thought I talked her down, but maybe something is going on we don't know about."
Hobi started to cry and Jin hugged his friend
"I just don't know why she felt like she couldn't tell me, hyung."
Jin didn't have any answers for him, could only rub his back and hope you came clean soon
#bts#bts fanfic#bts imagine#bts reactions#bts after a breakup#bts hyung line#hyung line#kim namjoon#kim seokjin#min yoongi#jung hoseok#im sad#this is so messy
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Undo 7 - MCU x DCAU Ending 3 - Non-Canon Compliant
It has been years since the heroes and villains teamed up against Darkseid when people around the world randomly turned to dust, including Billy Batson’s twin sister and best friend. He’s summoned by the Wizard Shazam to undo this phenomenon.
AO3 I FFN
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Billy was able to recompose himself as soon as the man in red and gold armor showed the infinity stones on his arms.
"No." Billy whispered as soon as he saw the stones on the man's arms. "Tcetorp mih laeh mih, Tcetorp mih laeh mih, Tcetorp mih laeh mih" He chanted as he began to produce static electricity.
"Ow!" Spider-Man exclaimed as he had felt a shock and slackened his hold on the boy in the process, making the child fall as a result.
Billy continued to chant as he slipped from Spider-Man's grip and fell. As soon as he landed, the electricity that surrounded him began to converge on his pointing finger and when he pointed it in the direction of the man in armor, it immediately left his hand and went straight to the man's arm just in time for the man to snap his fingers.
----------
"Ugh." Billy managed to groan as he regained consciousness.
"Nice of you to join us Pichu." A familiar voice commented.
This immediately sent Billy into overdrive and hastily tried to get up and get away from the person who just spoke. The amount of times he was kidnapped by his rogues definitely did something to him.
"Whoa calm down there kid!" The same voice stated. "There's no fire."
Billy looked at the man who spoke, it was the same man in the red and gold armor from the battle on the bed with burns on the right side of his face.
"Where am I?!" Billy questioned as he realized he wasn't in the battlefield.
"Stark Tower, Manhattan, New York." The man answered. "The med bay."
Billy nodded as the man listed off the address of the building he was in. He realized that he was connected to an IV drip, as was the man with him. He noticed that the room was divided by a glass wall.
"H-how…" Billy trailed off.
"If you're asking how long you were unconscious, I don't have a clue." The man admitted. "If you're asking how we're talking despite the glass that separates us," He paused. "FRIDAY transmits my voice to your room and vice versa."
"Hello young sir." A distinctly female voice greeted.
"That's FRIDAY." The man introduced. "The building's AI." He added. "Well my Personal AI."
"Done bragging to the child Stark?" Billy turned to the door and saw man wearing an eye patch.
"Hello to you too Foxtrot." The man named Stark dryly greeted.
"I'm strongly against talking to the patient right when he woke up." A female doctor stopped the man named Foxtrot. "We can't risk contamination in a sterile environment.
"This is a SHIELD sanctioned work." Foxtrot insisted.
"Don't worry Doctor Cho, I'll keep him in line." Stark vouched.
"I highly doubt that Tony." Another voice inserted as a big green being, wearing an arm sling, entered the med bay. "I'll keep the both of them in line Doctor Cho."
"Are you sure Doctor Banner?" The female doctor questioned. "The child just woke up from electrocution, if Spider-Man's words are to be believed."
"I'm sure." Doctor Banner nodded. "FRIDAY can you open the child's door and let Fury and I enter the room."
"As you wish Doctor Banner." FRIDAY affirmed as the room's door was unlocked.
"FRIDAY be a dear and lift the glass panel separating us." Stark voiced out. "I'd like to join in on the conversation myself."
"Affirmative Mr. Stark."
"Who are you and where did you come from." Fury demanded.
"Whoa calm down their Foxtrot." Stark stopped Fury. "The kid just woke up and you're subjecting him to an interrogation?"
"I agree." The big green being nodded. "Why don't we introduce ourselves?" He offered. "I'm Doctor Bruce Banner but you can call me Professor Hulk."
"Tony Stark."
"Nick Fury."
"I'm Billy Batson." Billy introduced himself.
"At least that takes care of the name." Fury muttered. "Where did you come from?" He continued to question.
"Still straight to the point I see." Tony commented. "You know I thought you left SHIELD Fury."
"Blame Ross." Fury replied. "He commissioned me to gather information on the child." He explained. "It's in relation to the accords."
"That's one mug I didn't miss in the last five years." The Stark stated. "Seriously, the first thing he does when he came back was to enforce the accords once more?"
"We can talk about the accords later." Hulk cut in. "How are you feeling Billy?" He asked the boy.
"I'm fine." Billy answered as he tried to make himself comfortable on the bed. "How long was I out?"
"You've been out for a week." Hulk answered. "What's the last thing you remember?"
"I remember casting a spell towards him." Billy pointed at Tony. "Then he snapped his fingers." He added. "Then I'm here."
"I'm guessing you were already unconscious when the shockwave happened after Tony snapped his fingers." Hulk surmised. "Thankfully Hawkeye managed to secure you before you hit a slab of rock during the shockwave.
"There was another shockwave?" Billy exclaimed. "No, no, no, no." He began to panic at the revelation.
"Calm down kid." Tony exclaimed. "Nothing happened during the shockwave." He assured the boy. "Apart from killing the enemies, nothing happened."
"No, no, no, no." Billy continued to panic despite the assurance.
"Calm down kid, calm down." The green doctor gave the child some soothing touches. "Focus on my voice okay?"
Doctor Banner proceeded to calm down the panicking boy. He continued to ground the boy with his voice and soothing shoulder touches.
"Are you with us Billy?" Hulk asked.
Billy merely nodded.
"S-sorry." Billy apologized. "I was sent to this world to undo the effects of the Infinity Stones in my world."
"Your world?" Fury questioned.
"You're from a different Earth!" Professor Hulk exclaimed.
"Normally the effects of the Infinity Stones wouldn't affect our world but according to Solomon the destruction of the stones amplified the dusting that happened and affected other worlds." Billy continued. "The spell was supposed to protect and heal Mister Stark but if there was a shockwave, there is a chance that…"
"Remember carefully what Solomon told you." Hulk inserted himself in a soothing voice.
"Wait, no!" Billy exclaimed as he recalled his conversation with the wise king. "Only divine lightning can affect things in other universes." He sighed in relief.
"Okay back up a bit." Tony exclaimed. "You're saying you conversed with Solomon, the Jewish king?"
"Why not?" Billy shrugged. "I mean you have the Norse god of thunder fighting by your side."
"He's got you there Tony." Hulk chuckled.
"This also means that the accords has no jurisdiction on you." The Stark commented.
"Ross wouldn't like that technicality Stark." Fury groaned. "This child can transform into a full grown man and shoot lightning bolts wherever he pleases."
"Oh please, he just wants everyone under his control." Stark bitterly replied.
"Besides Billy's a minor." Bruce interjected. "The same stipulations for Spider-Man also apply with Billy." He added. "Identities of the minors that are vigilantes cannot be revealed and are instead placed under the mentorship of the hero who has signed the accords." The Hulk narrated.
"Spider-Man's an adult now." Fury pointed out. "He's 21 years old."
"Sixteen" Hulk corrected. "He's still 16 years old" He repeated. "He died in 2018 and was resurrected five years later." He added. "Besides, Ross does not know about Spider-Man's age, you only knew because you were present when Tony and Billy were rushed here to make more room for the injured in Wakanda."
"There you go." Tony smirked. "Forcing the child here to a contract, especially the accords, cannot be done."
"Besides the accords are in the process of getting repealed." Bruce commented." So it's moot if Billy manages to return to this reality in the future."
"Which brings me to." Tony looked at Billy. "Do you have any means of returning to your world?" He asked the boy.
"I doubt the infinity stones could do that." Professor Hulk commented.
"I have a magical anchor back in my world." Billy offered. "But that only serves as a beacon for me to return." He admitted. "Making a portal of my own is a bit out of my reach."
"Why not approach that Yen Sid?" Tony offered.
"Yen Sid?" Fury questioned.
"Doctor Strange is out of reach for the moment." The Hulk shared. "According to him and the Sanctum's accolades, the decimation did something there and he's investigating it." He continued. "That's all he said."
"What could be more important than celebrating for our victory?" Tony asked. "Besides sending this child home."
"Not everyone can afford the lavish lifestyle you have Stark." Fury sighed. "Some of us need to work our asses off just to make ends meet."
"Language!" Stark grinned. "In any case, leave the kid to us." He offered. "Morgan would love another playmate." He smiled.
---------
Two more weeks has passed since Billy was released from confinement due to his stunt. In that timeframe, he was forced to join a group of highschool students on tour inside Stark's building, forced to go on shopping by Mrs. Stark and Mrs. Parker, and even had the chance to play with Morgan, Tony and Pepper Stark's daughter.
In those two weeks Billy learned so much about this world.
Apart from the sorcerer supreme, Doctor Strange, and Captain Marvel -Carol Danvers- no one from his world exists in this world. There's no Wayne Enterprises or even a Superman, the closest this world has was this world's Thor. Heck the Justice League as a whole does not exist, but rather the Avengers was in its place.
Thankfully there's a version of the Rock of Eternity here. It is the Sanctum Santorium where Doctor Strange resides and he was here to send him home.
It may not be a cave and does not reside in a pocket dimension, but it's still the source of this realm's magic.
"I hope Stark hasn't corrupted you." Doctor Strange stated.
"Excuse you Yen Sid." Tony replied indignantly." I'll have you know, I'm a perfect role model."
"Yes because Spider-Man totally followed your instructions back then." Doctor Strange bit back.
"What can I do, he was in a rebellious phase." Tony snarked back.
"Can we focus here?" Wong sighed. "We have a child to send home to."
"I see you have a magical anchor back to your reality." Doctor Strange commented as the sigil on his arm glowed violet. "You took precautions and did not throw yourself into this world with reckless abandon." He added. "Unlike someone I know." He finished as he glared at Tony.
"Says the guy who gave away one of the stones." Tony whispered.
"It does help that the person who sent me here was my realm's Sorcerer Supreme." Billy smiled as the sorcerer ignored Tony's commentary.
Doctor Strange moved his right hand in a circular motion while his other hand was focused on the glowing violet light on Billy's arm.
A few seconds passed and a circular portal appeared with a few key differences: It was violet instead of orange and it was spewing violet ankhs instead of sparks.
"That's different." Wong commented.
"That's because of his magical anchor back on his home world." Doctor Strange answered.
"Looks like that's my cue." Billy announced. "Thank you for everything Mr. Stark, Doctor Strange." He bowed in appreciation.
"Ah-ah." Tony interjected." It's Tony remember?"
"Of course Mr. Stark." Billy grinned.
"You've spent way too much time with Peter and Harley." Tony grumbled.
"Don't forget your souvenirs." Professor Hulk called out as he arrived and handed Billy a few bags.
"You really didn't have to Professor Hulk." Billy smiled sheepishly. "But still thank you." He bowed at the adults before him once more. "Give everyone my thanks." He stated one last time before he went inside the portal.
As soon as Billy entered the portal, the portal closed leaving the adult to their own devices.
"So Doc, was this the one possibility where we won?" Tony asked, curious.
"Frankly speaking, no." Doctor Strange answered. "I'm going to be frank with you Stark." He continued. "I spared your life on Titan because you were going to sacrifice it to defeat Thanos." He shared. "Billy Batson, his world's Captain Marvel, was the wild card." He added. "In all the other possible futures that I've seen, he wasn't in any of them."
"I suspected as much." Tony shrugged.
"That's cruel." Professor Hulk muttered to himself as soon as he heard what the wizard's reasoning was. "In any case according to Billy, Solomon had said that the Infinity Stones should not have affected his reality." He shared. "This was the one in a trillion chance that the stones affected the universe in which they weren't created in."
"I see." Doctor Strange nodded. "While he did have ulterior motives to help us out, it was still for the good of the many."
"I can only hope what Solomon said was true." Tony sighed. "That kid has seen way too much grief." He added. "If his reaction to waking up in an unfamiliar environment is to go by."
"Don't worry." Wong assured. "The Jewish King, Solomon, was said to have gained divine wisdom that lets him come up with unorthodox solutions to problems that arise." He continued.
"The popular story of such wisdom was the story of two mothers and a baby." Doctor Strange supplied.
"The story where he intends to cut the baby and give each mother half of the baby." Professor Hulk summarized the story. "Then explained his reasoning."
"I don't know if I'd call that wisdom." Tony scoffed. "Sounds to me like he was fed up with these women arguing so he tried to fillet the baby."
"In any case, Solomon's judgment hasn't swayed his kingdom wrong during his reign." Doctor Strange started. "Have faith Stark, Captain Marvel's arrival was divine intervention."
"What?" Tony snorted. "Thor wasn't divine enough for you?"
----------
Billy arrived back at the Rock of Eternity as he walked out of a violet ankh before it disappeared completely.
"Billy!" Courtney dashed towards the boy and promptly hugged him.
"Courtney!" Mary yelled. "You shouldn't even be up!"
"Courtney you're still suffering from the effects being magical anchor gave you." Zatanna informed.
"Oh I've missed you Billy!" Courtney tightened her hug on the new arrival, ignoring both women who has been yelling at her.
"Co-Courtney." Billy struggled. "N-nice to see you too." He managed to stutter.
"Court, could you let go of Billy?" Freddy decided to come to his friend's rescue. "He kinda needs some air." He grinned.
"O-oh my gosh!" Courtney immediately released her hold of Billy. "Are you okay Billy?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." Billy managed to wheeze out before attempting to stabilize his breathing and heartbeat.
"Did everything go smoothly young Billy?" Doctor Fate asked as he approached the young boy. "You've been gone for far longer than necessary." He continued. "Five hours since your departure from this realm, you had successfully undone what that otherworldly phenomenon has done to our reality."
"Yeah." Billy nodded." Although I was unconscious for a week and was stranded for another two weeks." He reported. "I arrived when a big fight occurred." He explained. "The enemy did what Superman did to me years ago and forced me to transform back."
"Are you okay?" Mary asked in concern as she approached her brother. "Physically and Mentally?"
"Yeah." Billy assured his sister. "Sort of."
"Sort of?" Freddy questioned.
"I can't help but imagine what would have happened to our world had the people who turned to dust did not return for five years." He sighed. "Or at all."
"That's how long they were gone?" Courtney gasped.
"Yeah." Billy nodded as he sat on the floor in exhaustion. "All of them were declared dead."
"That's horrible."
"Okay brats call off on questioning the kid!" A female voice interrupted the conversation.
"Harley Quinn." Mary and Freddy snarled.
Harley Quinn revealed herself not wearing her signature clown outfit, but rather sporting a dress, a pencil skirt and a doctor's gown.
"Aren't you supposed to be in Arkham?" Courtney glared as she readied her weapon.
"How'd you get in here?" Billy asked as he stood up.
"That quack doctor let me in." Harley answered cheerfully as she pointed towards the Lord of Order. "Unlike him I'm a licensed psychiatric doctor." She grinned. "And as doctor, my orders are to let Big Marvy rest or at least call off asking about the fight he was in."
Mary and Freddy sent a questioning glance at Doctor, silently asking why Harley Quinn was allowed inside the Rock of Eternity.
"I get the glares and all but don't you trust Batsy and Doctor Quack?" Harleen pouted.
"I can't help but notice, did you get new clothes while you were in that other world?" Courtney voiced as she turned her back on the psychiatrist.
"Yeah man." Freddy agreed. "New shoes to boot too!" He grinned. "Pun definitely not intended." He quickly added.
"Blame the heroes there." Billy pouted. "When I was stranded for two weeks, they forced me to a shopping spree."
"About time too." Mary agreed. "Your red sweaters barely fit you anymore."
"I have to agree with your sister Bill." Freddy grinned. "Your clothes were only a few stretches away from being torn and expose your ribs." He added. "You've definitely outgrown those, despite remaining thin.
"Not my fault I don't get to eat three times a day." Billy pouted.
"Don't give me that William Joseph Batson." Mary scowled. "I know for a fact that Uncle Dudley prepares for your meals every day." She glared at her twin. "You just chose not to eat them and give them to other people on the streets."
"Wait you are twins but you're living separately?" Harleen asked, confused.
"Long story short, they got separated during the adoption process." Freddy shrugged.
"They need it more than I do." Billy tried to justify his action.
"Oh no young man." Harleen interjected. "You're supposed to eat at least three times a day."
Harleen continued to school Billy about proper meal times and a balanced diet to live healthy life. She segued to how prioritizing one's self can be a good thing and is also an act of selflessness.
"Never thought I'd see the day a villain schooling a hero about their eating habits." Courtney whispered.
"Same here." Freddy nodded. "Doctor or not, she's still THE Harley Quinn."
"Well she is a psychiatric doctor, she knows what she's doing." Mary commented. "I think it's long overdue for Billy to see a psychiatrist considering what he experienced under Ebenezer's care."
"I don't think this is an ethical session with a psychiatrist." Courtney observed.
"This is not session." Freddy snorted." This is a full blown scolding towards a naughty child."
"If I didn't know any better, Billy has a better relationship with Harley Quinn than any of the other heroes." Zatanna offered her opinion.
"You got that right." Freddy grinned. "Just look at their expressions."
----------
The Wizard Shazam and Doctor Fate silently watched both groups as they conversed with each other. Harleen with Billy and Mary along with Freddy talking with both Courtney and Zatanna.
"I have to give the Dark Knight some credit." The Wizard Shazam appeared beside the spectating Doctor Fate. "Underneath Quinzel's crimes and bravado, she's still has that fire towards helping people like young Billy."
"It is such a shame that the Joker was the only person to give her the validation she caved." Doctor Fate agreed. "Which in turn made her easy to manipulate."
Both former and current Lords of Order watched as Harley Quinn schooled Billy about the importance of self-care.
#billy batson#captain marvel#shazam#tony stark#harley quinn#mary bromfield#mary batson#freddy freeman#courtney whitmore#wizard shazam#nabu#doctor fate#bruce banner#professor hulk#nick fury#may parker#doctor strange#story#undo
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These pics are just to show my dented ribs, cause like... suffer with me? Also cause I feel strangely alright with what my chest looks like in these pics. But anyhow. On left pic I'm pointing at the centre where it goes in and then pops out again on both sides of the sternum/breastbone. And yes, that's my bone bending like that, not just fat or muscles. Likely from having pushed my breasts towards the centre in binders and sports bras. On the right pic I'm pointing at the big dent on the lower left side of my ribcage, which is right where the sports bra elastic goes. My lowest ribs then curve out much farther than they do on the other side. Putting pressure on either of those dented areas hurts a bit.
(The bump above my nipple on the right pic is literally just my pec muscle, so no need to worry about that one.) And yes I'm sucking in my stomach here only so that you can see my ribs better, I don’t normally do for photos. I've sure gotten hairy again since I stopped shaving my body, and I like the soft fluff! It’s dark brown, almost black, irl. Which is quite a contrast to my ivory skin. And yes my happy trail does connect with my chest hair, which almost connects with my beard but not quite. Those little tufts just above the scars on my chest are my actual nipple hairs, or used to be before the nips were relocated during top surgery. They're weirdly misplaced little hairs now, but that's why they're there. And yeah, 5 years post-op but the scars never became white.
But let's get onto the topic.
I've come across a new doubt about my wish to have breast reconstruction, which I'm already looking into and not brushing under any carpets. I do want to make as sure as I possibly can that I make the right decision about my chest this time, so I'm tackling every doubt I get about it. And that new doubts keep popping up from time to time, worries me too. Even though I sorted through all the previous ones.
So what's it this time? Since I've started going flat in public a couple weeks ago or something (I think the last time I went out with boobs on was June 6th or around that date) I've noticed I seem to be less likely to be assumed to be a trans woman, and instead seen as just a gnc man. And strangely that actually feels better, mentally. It's still very far from ideal, but I feel it's the slightly better of the two evils.
What would be ideal? In a perfect (and highly unrealistic) world: I'd love it if people would just know I'm a female who's taken testosterone and/or see I'm a masculinised woman even if they can't figure out, or know, how. And without me having to change my body at all. But that is not how reality works and I know that people won't perceive me that way just because I want for them to.
So, without changing my body again I'm basically stuck having to choose between being perceived as either a "cis" man or a trans woman, depending on my presentation and style. (Cause apparently we are assuming "gender identity" and not just bio sex, these days.) Of course I don't have 100% control over which one of those I'll be read as, but I've come to notice that people do seem to be much more likely to "trans me" when I'm wearing my breast forms cause that is adding a female (not just feminine) trait to my otherwise male appearance... and they seem to be much more likely to think I'm simply a man (albeit gnc) when I go flat but still keep a feminine style. However, some still read me as a gnc man with boobs and some still read me as a trans woman without them.
Exactly why I seem to prefer being read as a whole ass man rather than as a trans woman, is complicated and not entirely nice, but basically this: Both trans women and "cis" men are bio male, and it's the assumption that I'm bio male that rubs me backwards, at the core of it.
However, being assumed to be a trans woman adds another layer to it. It makes me feel like people shove the gender ideology down my throat that is hard to wiggle myself out of, and it makes me feel like I'm perceived as a "fake" woman and a "fake" lesbian. A fraud, to be brutally honest. Whereas when I'm assumed to be simply a gnc man, the gender ideology is not being shoved down my throat, people don't comment on my assumed genitals, etc. But above all I'm more likely to be treated with respect, which feels hugely relieving.
But mostly what truly whacks my mind about being assumed to be MtF is that it makes me feel like I'm an imposter of an imposter. Double wrong. While when seen as a man, I merely feel like I'm simply an imposter. Plain wrong. And that, is exactly why I feel like "gnc man" is a better wrongful assumption than "trans woman" is. Cause two wrongs really don't make a right.
But regardlessly, I am not and will never be an actual man. I am an imposter, a male impersonator of modern times. But at the same time I believe I'm more authentic like this than I would be if I tried to force myself into acquiring a stereotypical "womanly" appearance. That would be a charade just as much, if not more. That was a long ramble about how I'm perceived again, but it's highly relevant to my doubt about getting breast reconstruction, just hear me out. Cause that, what I'm read as based on what's going on on my chest, was was made the doubt creep out from its shadows, just a few days ago.
It has gotten me suddenly worrying I might not like it how I'd be perceived if I have permanent boobs on my chest that I wouldn't be able to hide.
Cause no more binding, ever. I've fucked my ribs over enough for a lifetime. And of course, how fucking moot and dumb it would be to bind after breast reconstruction! The thing, however, is that if I actually prefer to be seen as a gnc man over being seen as a trans woman, and boobs being the tipping point between those two perceptions... that creates a thorn in my side, a doubt, a conflict even, about if breast reconstruction really is the right choice for me then.
Ever since I left my boobs at home those weeks ago, people have left me alone about my gender/sex. Out of all the 5 or 6 strangers that have come up and talked to me since then, zero have confronted me about my gender, sex or even my style. It is a relief to just be left alone about my body like that.
I'm also feeling slightly (possibly even increasingly) okay with my chest as it is. I do still regret my top surgery and I still miss having boobs, and it's definitely possible that I'm just disassociating from my chest being flat now, but... Yesterday I was even walking around in my neighbourhood wearing literally just a skirt, fem slippers, my lesbian necklace, red lipstick, and an open, flimsy tunic/cardigan. The wind grabbing it quite a lot means most of my chest showed, including nipples, and my neighbours could see it as I walked back and forth to the laundry house to clean my dirty clothes.
Is it weird? Well, I highly doubt I'd be reported for indecent exposure cause I'm at least 99% sure everyone in my neighbourhood thinks I'm male. Cause they certainly looked shocked at me when I first started going fem in my early detransition a year ago. I've only lived in this area since mid-transition, so no one here knows my history with that.
Basically I can't imagine my neighbours think I'm somehow bio female, without slipping into the territory of wishful thinking.
But it has gotten me thinking: when I don't shave anywhere, and don't wear boobs, knowing I can only pass as male that way... am I not technically "presenting male" then, despite being female and also so feminine in my style? I mean, up until the point I introduce myself as "Laura" that is.
Also, last night I took a shower, and for the first time in... I dunno how many years, if ever... I actually enjoyed soaping and touching my chest in gentle, massaging and caressing ways. For but a glimpse of a moment, I could connect to it for probably the first time since top surgery, or ever, in a non-sexual way. It is indeed a breakthrough. It is also a hint of its possible true potential. That I could maybe at some point come to peace with it.
Why do I feel so bad for regretting my transition? Cause even though I achieved a 100% passability, here I am, still dysphoric and miserable, missing the womanhood I traded away. Oh, what a fool I was. This irrevokable fate that seems like an impossible dream for the dysphoric, and I'm just pissing on it. I'm sorry, but I cannot appreciate having been transformed into a highly believable illusion of something I can never actually become and no longer want to be. I never thought it could hurt. I never knew it could hurt like this.
Was I sold a lie?
But back to my chest. I know getting new tits won't make me any more or less female, and it wouldn't make me pass as female either. What I'd want them for is personal comfort in the private, in both non-sexual and in sexual contexts, and vaguely also cause it would help me relate better and more positively to other women. I'm jealous of every pair of boobs I ever see, clothed or uncovered, and that hurts. But what makes me now hesitate, perhaps for real, is this new, gnawing inkling of a feeling that what if I'd miss having a flat chest? Sometimes I like the look of it, in the sense that it kinda goes with my otherwise male appearance and who doesn't/wouldn't like the feeling of a soothing breeze on their bare chest during a hot summer day? Cause it sure does feel good. Oh god, I wish I could just have the cake and eat it at the same time!
It's been 5 years since I had my top surgery, but did I ever truly try to make amends with it, before my detransition? No, I didn't. What I did was trying to force myself to like the result of it, and that's not a successful approach. Just like I didn't exactly manage to like being a woman when I during my teens tried to force myself to become fine with my female body after I had figured out I was likely a trans guy at age 15, and up until the point I said "fuck it" and began my social (and eventually medical) transition at age 19. During those 4 years my dysphoria only worsened, and I think my rabid attempt to force myself to like being female was part of why it only got worse.
Forcing self-love is not the way to achieve it. It won't work. Just like you can't beat depression out of yourself, or any other issue, you can't beat dysphoria out of yourself either. That kind of force is actually more likely to make it worse instead, I believe. Cause it'll just strengthen your belief that it won't work.
However, to gently and with compassion for yourself and your struggle try out different things, over a longer time and with lots of patience, to slowly accept and come to terms with it can lead to the dysphoria disappearing. To not punish yourself for still being dysphoric or for not "succeeding", but rather reward yourself for even just trying and for every little thing that may improve on the way. At least that's how I managed to accept and embrace being female in my late 20's despite having failed so miserably at it during my teens, because this time I didn't force it. I killed that dysphoria with kindness, quite literally.
Likewise, I think there is a chance I could come to accept and embrace my flat chest if I just stopped forcing myself to, and tried it with gentle self-care and curiosity, without pressure to achieve anything. If only I just want to and can be prepared to give myself that kind of care and patience, one more fucking time. Cause I've only got one body and I'm so fucking painfully aware of it now. I can't fuck it up again.
Detransitioning requires so much more soul-searching and scrambling around in my brain for answers, self-care and patience, etc, than transitioning ever did. Well... that's why I ended up detransitioning, I think. Cause I didn't do a good job at truly looking into myself the first time around. Would I still have wanted to go on T if I had known everything I know now, though? Oh absolutely, but that's not the topic of today.
But whether I'll in the long run wanna live as a male-presenting woman incognito or later on down the road change my body in some way, I can't know for sure at this point. Perhaps I'm just not mentally ready yet to take that kind of leap. Or perhaps I don't ever want to present fully female again and may end up loving this look and contradiction as I grow more secure within myself and more confident. But either which way, I will have to follow this new doubt carefully and see where it takes me. Keep going flat for a while and see how it goes, and see if how I'm perceived really changes based on that and if that really feels better in the long run to be perceived as a man. To take advantage of this very hot summer to be shirtless also in public to test my comfort level with that, and if I'd miss that. To explore my flatness gently and with careful patience to see if it really is so bad. To ask my brain: what is this lingering doubt trying to tell me?
I'll start with giving it this summer, then more time if needed.
I'll still go to the surgery consultation that could happen anytime now. It's not like I'd have to get the surgery by just going to that consultation, cause I'll need to go through my trauma therapy first, and even if it's expected I'd go through with surgery after consultation, I can always cancel at any point. Also, being informed of what a surgeon can do for me and my specific chest, as well as getting my questions about the surgery answered, would surely be helpful in my decision-making as well. I mean, that's what surgery consultations are for. Because I still lean towards wanting it more than I lean towards maybe not wanting it, I think cautiously proceeding with my thumb close to the cancel button is not a bad idea.
#my pics#top surgery#detransition#regret#dysphoria#gender critical#surgery doubts#5 years post op#my dented ribs#venting#desisting
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based on a post i made a while ago.
Logan is meeting with his favored friends, who have somebody they would introduce. They claim to think he’ll like their company. They know him well, who’s he to contradict?
Of course they’re right, but in an offbeat way. They haven’t introduced him, but he sees. He knows the one he’s meeting with today, they’re friends already. Then he sees a spark. The mischief in his colleague’s eyes is wild, and Logan knows in just a flash what comes: a taking of this opportunity.
He has no chance to stop the madness now, if he should wish to. But he’ll play along.
“I love you.”
“Feelings shared. I love you too.”
“I guess that now the couples here are two!”
And holy shit. That’s why they’re such good friends. Intent or not, he knows just what to say.
With Virge and boyfriend vexéd to the side, his friend looks up from closer than before. A silent suit he knows how to accept, and so he does. Today has not been bad.
Their friends now gawk at his willing embrace.
“Is this- am I seeing this right?”
Disgruntled at his broken flow of thought, still Logan nods. What does he think he sees?
“I should believe so. What is your dispute?”
Then Roman huffs, and once more breaks his stride. “Are you doing the meter thing again? I swear, Logan, you’re limiting yourself.”
He halts. “No I am not,” then is complete.
His friend, deserving of great accolade, concludes for him: “And if he is, what then? Is there a problem with my darling’s speech?”
Remembering the charade, he nods along. “It’s my nature to bear, and not your own.”
A giggle, then continuing his course: “I love it, for the part of you it is. And every other part which you contain.” By now, their friends are whispering beside. But what they have to say’s of less import than making Patton proud.
So Logan speaks. “Without a doubt, you make me feel insane. Do take my heart, it’s you I hold more dear.”
“If you’ll take mine, to hold when we aren’t near.”
“Now that we’ve met, let that not come to pass. I’d never hope to love another man.” And that part, from a certain point of view, is almost true, to look at it one way. But to the pair he calls his next best friends, he has not yet revealed his aro state.
While only Patton knows, it’s not for shame. There isn’t reason he has not yet shared. Logan knows that they would not object.
“And if I marry, please let it be you.” While that might lay it on a little thick, they get along well. He cannot object.
“A sentiment I share, so be my boo?”
“I do.” And in his arms, his comrade winks.
At this point, Virgil finally cuts in. “So like, is this legit?” Perhaps, perhaps.
His best friend’s mischief truly knows no bounds. He leans in Logan’s arms before response. “How could it not be? What could be our aim?”
So Logan speaks, “My darling, what’s your name?”
“I am Patton. You, sweetheart?”
“Logan Lane.”
“Am I your Superman?”
Here Logan fights a smile. “It would seem that I’m the one who holds you in my arms.” And he makes good upon this declaration, lifting high.
“A double date seems nice, but let’s not stay.”
“Agreed, dear heart, so now let us away.”
How Patton holds his laughter in’s unknown, but once away not even Logan fights. Their giggling hysterics must go on for seeming hours, loud until they’re gone.
“So that was priceless.” True and true again.
It turns out they forgot to bare the ruse. Not so long after, they’re due to discuss, and who should overhear but one fooled friend.
“I still want to move in.”
“The point is moot! For months, I’ll only be away at school. And so will you! New housing’s not a need. Mideàre, I’d gladly share a home with you. But such a move can wait until it’s due.”
Mideàre is simply Patton’s second name. To call him by it isn’t so remiss. But it sounds different to a looker-on.
“Already moving in?” Virgil looks shocked.
“Why wouldn’t we? Aside from school.” Pat said.
As Virgil had no argument for that, he left. To spread the news, presumably.
why not? and i did my best to write the whole thing in iambic pentameter. complete with the sort of old english accentation they used to fix little stuff. mainly ‘cause it’s logan’s pov.
sure, not all of it rhymes. but some of it does and that’s a tall order.
i don’t always write logan as aro. but when i do, he still fits well with his friends.
i didn’t end up writing very much. but what’s a guy to do? hope you enjoy.
#ts fanfic#sanders sides#platonic logicality#logan sanders#patton sanders#tabletech#fake dating kind of. almost#background prinxiety
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The Saga of Spock
Part 2 of Aging With Mistakes
First | Next
Admiral James T. Kirk’s second five year mission came to an end with almost as much fanfare as his first. There were promotions all around - aside from the admiral who had received his premature promotion the first time - including a hard won captaincy for First Officer Spock. With Admiral Kirk’s blessing, Captain Spock returned to the stars mere months later on a ship of his own, and after less than a year, the admiral and his Enterprise followed.
But the admiral had already been given one full reprise and the duties afforded to him by his rank would not be staved off again. His next mission was a short one and they only got shorter as the tether tying him to Earth grew tighter and tighter.
A small blessing: Captain Spock, despite the admiral’s protest, did not accept another exploratory mission when his first ended; instead he opted for a conveniently Earthbound station as an instructor at Starfleet Academy. But Spock still spent more time running training exercises in the solar system than teaching on Earth, and so their apartment in San Francisco remained primarily Admiral Kirk’s.
The admiral sat in his usual chair by the fireplace, the heat turned almost all the way down without Spock there to enjoy it. The book Spock had given him earlier that day sat on the table, unopened, beside the reading glasses from Dr. McCoy. Captain Spock was up on the Enterprise already, preparing it for the admiral’s inspection. Spock’s thoughts had turned to Kirk as he boarded the ship that had once been theirs, and then again as he briefly entered his - also once their - quarters, but otherwise he had been lost in a flurry of duty.
Kirk finally gave in to temptation, put down his largely untouched glass of the Romulan Ale that Dr. McCoy had brought, and closed his eyes so he could search the back of his mind for the part of Spock that was always there with him. It was distracted, dull and distant - had it really been that long since they last melded? Kirk tried to reach a little deeper. With the clumsiness of an untrained mind, he sought the warmth and affection that usually flowed through their bond, but had stemmed to a mere trickle, more easily lost than found.
Spock, Kirk attempted to call out.
At last, Spock’s mind acknowledged his amidst the usual torrent of thoughts that filled the half-Vulcan’s mind. For an instant, Kirk could see a nervous young cadet stammering out an explanation in front of some malfunctioning machinery, and then it was gone, shielded from sight.
Kirk let out a sigh and rubbed his tired eyes. Spock was busy enough without his bored bondmate bothering him.
A burst of bemused, quiet affection interrupted Kirk’s self-pity. He could picture Spock’s expression; an eyebrow quirked and a smile in his eyes. Spock had work to do, but they would see each other tomorrow. As Spock’s concentration turned back to his duties, he left the thought of his birthday present, “A Tale of Two Cities,” in the admiral’s mind.
Kirk probably needed the sleep, but he doubted he was going to get it. And there was something about the book that Spock was shielding from him, some message that Spock wanted him to read for himself. It was no intergalactic crisis, but it was more than enough to pique Kirk’s curiosity, especially when the only other thing he had to look forward to was another inspection.
So, the admiral picked up the book and opened it up to the first page. After a moment’s hesitation, he put on those damn reading glasses and began: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”
Spock died. When all seemed lost, he sacrificed himself to save the ship and the man he loved. James Kirk sacrificed everything - his career, his ship, even his son - to bring Spock back.
When the ancient ceremony reuniting Spock’s soul with his body was over, Spock faced him in long, white, hooded robes, so uncertain, but alive, and he said, “Jim. Your name is Jim.” Spock couldn’t even remember his own name, but in that moment Kirk knew everything would be all right.
For three months, Kirk waited and watched from a distance as Spock was re-educated in the Vulcan way. At last Kirk and his loyal crew all agreed to return to Earth to face trial and judgement for their actions. Spock joined them to testify as a witness, but he still was not himself.
“Admiral, may I ask you a question?” Spock asked, his voice flat, his eyes wide and empty.
Kirk and Spock were crammed on a bus in the late 20th century, searching for a long-extinct species of whales. If they succeeded and managed to prevent Earth from being destroyed, Kirk would be tried and stripped of his rank anyway, but still, Spock insisted on the formality.
Again, Kirk protested, “Spock, don't call me Admiral. You used to call me Jim. Don't you remember? Jim.” But he knew it was a moot point and let Spock ask his question.
Of course, Dr. Gillian Taylor, the friendly, attractive cetacean biologist who might just be able to get them a pair of whales, noticed. Later, when it was just the two of them at dinner, she remarked, “Besides, I want to know why you travel around with that ditzy guy who knows that Gracie is pregnant and calls you 'Admiral'.”
“Captain. Even when he doesn't say it, he does,” Edith had said, something like forty five years ago from where he was standing, though for him it was closer to fifteen.
Gillian wasn't too different from Edith; intelligent, perceptive, and ready to fight for those hopeless causes that anyone else would have given up on. That's what he and Spock were these days, a hopeless cause.
When Spock used to call him “Captain,” it had almost been a term of endearment. It expressed loyalty and respect; a reminder that Spock would follow him anywhere. Those days, Spock saved his name for when they were in private or to reach Jim when nothing else could - as a dear friend instead of an officer.
But “Admiral” was something like a curse. It was a title Jim had never wanted that had brought him nothing good, spoken by the empty shell of his beloved as a reminder that Spock was no longer himself. He wondered what his wise, steady husband would have him do now, but he could hardly think over the gaping hole in his mind.
Something must have shocked Spock back into his usual demeanor after they crash landed in the San Francisco Bay, back in their own time, but Kirk knew better than to be fooled by the superficial return to normalcy.
Where there had once been unshakable implicit trust, now even the simplest order could not go without questioning. An invitation to join Kirk and Dr. McCoy on shore leave in Yosemite while Scotty attempted to repair their nearly inoperable ship was met with a petulantly contrary “Why?” - Spock teased, but without understanding what he was saying or what it meant, and when they were supposed to be relaxing he was as distant and formal as ever. Even when they were on leave, he was still reluctant to call the newly demoted captain by his name.
And then there was Sybok.
“He reminds me of someone I knew in my youth,” Spock said, but Kirk knew Spock - even when he wasn’t quite himself - better than to fall for that. Spock remembered this Sybok when he still couldn’t remember to call Kirk by his name.
And Sybok was a Vulcan, an enlightened, emotional Vulcan who was probably everything Spock ever wanted to be, but couldn’t let himself. Of course he could control minds too; turn anyone to his side, probably using those “Vulcan mind tricks,” as Dr. McCoy would call them. He didn’t care much for Kirk - no, it was Spock that Sybok wanted. He wanted Kirk’s ship, his first officer, everything.
Kirk refused to go down without a fight, but when it came down to it, and his life was in Spock’s hands, Spock could barely pick up a weapon, let alone fire it. They were done for, all of them. Without Spock, Kirk didn’t have a chance, and in that moment Kirk hated this shadow of his beloved first officer.
“Spock?” Sybok called for his brother to follow him down to the bridge and leave the deposed captain alone once and for all. And why would Spock refuse? Sybok had already done what no one else could, relieved Spock of the pain of never being quite good enough - Vulcan enough - that he had carried all his life.
But Spock replied, calm and steady as ever, “I cannot go with you.”
“Why not?” Sybok demanded.
“I belong here,” Spock said, and Kirk almost could not believe his ears.
It did not sink in until Kirk had been transported aboard the Klingon ship that saved him from the thing that called itself God. The Klingon ambassador introduced him to their “new gunner,” and finally it all seemed to fall into place.
“I thought I was going to die,” Kirk said, still shaken.
“Not possible,” Spock replied evenly. “You were never alone.”
He grabbed Spock - his Spock - by the arms and would have been happy to never let go, but Spock was right, it wasn’t the place, and Kirk relinquished his hold on his first officer until they were safely back aboard the Enterprise.
As the door to Kirk’s quarters closed behind them, Spock remarked, “Jim, might I remind you that we are no longer in front of the Klingons.”
A smile stretched across Jim’s face. His cheeks ached with the then unfamiliar expression, but he ignored it. He strode over to Spock and took him by the arms again. Their eyes met and Spock raised his eyebrows in an invitation; a teasing, “If you must.”
Jim leaned in and kissed him. Their lips pressed together, warm, soft, and so familiar. It felt like a thousand years had passed between them, not mere months, and Jim was overcome yet again with a desperate longing for everything they had so suddenly lost.
They slowly pulled away, though Jim kept both his hands on Spock’s arms, unwilling to let go. He could feel tears collecting in the corners of his eyes and could not meet Spock’s warm, concerned gaze.
Once he had collected himself a little, he said ruefully, “A far better thing I turned out to be.”
“It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done,” Spock replied, his voice even and calm. A trace of a smile teased at the corners of his lips.
Jim hazarded a glance up at Spock and shook his head. “I don’t deserve that, not after everything I said to you. I should have known better than to doubt you…” he trailed off.
“I have also not been myself for some time,” Spock acknowledged. “And I have caused you much pain, for which I sincerely apologize. I am aware you still suffer from the broken bond.”
Jim nodded. “It’s still there.”
“It is remarkable that it has not driven you to madness,” Spock said.
“I don’t know, sometimes it feels pretty close,” Jim said.
Spock held out a hand toward Jim’s face. “Please, allow me to ease the pain.”
Jim hesitated, but at last he gave in. “When have you ever needed permission?” he said with a wry smile.
“I do not intend to presume,” Spock answered, much too serious, but Jim would take what he could get.
Spock gently pressed his fingertips against the side of Jim’s face and Jim resisted the urge to lean into his soft palm. Spock did not say a word - they did not need the traditional litany - but they came together slowly. Jim felt the strange euphoria; his chest seemed to begin to rise toward the ceiling as though he was on the verge of falling asleep.
And then, instead of crashing back down into his body, he was drawn further, into a deep, warm embrace. A steady, calm affection began to soothe the open wound in the back of his mind, to fill the bottomless well of emptiness that threatened to drown him in the loss he had felt upon seeing Spock behind the glass all those months ago. The barrier between them seemed to melt away.
I am alive, Spock’s voice resonated in his mind with Vulcan certainty and human love and Jim wanted nothing more than to believe him.
Much too soon, Spock pulled away and the emptiness he had held at bay rushed back to fill the space he left behind. Jim wiped the tears from his eyes before meeting Spock's solid gaze.
“How did you get to be so wise?” Jim teased with a weak smile. “All I’ve managed to do is make a fool of myself.”
“You have done much more than that,” Spock replied. “For one, you successfully brought me back to life.”
Jim shook his head. “I was just a courier.”
Spock’s eyebrows rose in well-practiced skepticism. “Then you are the most dedicated courier in the galaxy.”
That drew a bit more of a smile out of Jim. “It was a very important delivery.”
“Still,” Spock said, his expression turned serious, “I would not have wished for you to sacrifice so much to make it.”
Jim frowned. He glanced away and then reluctantly met Spock’s gaze again. “I know. I didn’t really do it for you or for Bones. I just didn’t know what to do without you. I need you.”
“I am sorry I put you through all of that. It was the only solution that occurred to me at the time.” Spock reached out for Jim’s hand almost without thinking. Jim released one of Spock’s arms to meet him halfway and brushed his first two fingers against Spock’s. Spock could feel the yawning emptiness in Jim’s mind that he would not have been able to shield even had he been a Vulcan.
“We must return to Earth now, but at the nearest opportunity, we may go to Vulcan and renew our bond,” Spock offered without releasing Jim’s hand.
Jim gave him a raw emotion-laden smile. “Yes, I’d like that,” he replied, his voice uneven. “And then we can go back to running around the galaxy like old times.” Spock could feel his boundless enthusiasm, but it was now tempered by a lick of fear.
Spock nodded and passed reassurance through their fingers. “Yes, I would likewise appreciate a return to normalcy.” A smile shone in his eyes.
May I? Jim asked through the link between their fingers.
Spock nodded in reply and Jim leaned in again to kiss him on the lips in the human way.
Note: Every fic I’ve read about Spock getting his memories back conveniently ignores The Final Frontier, and with good reason - it’s a mess of a movie that takes Kirk to his lowest point of the entire series. But somewhere, buried deep in there, is a surprisingly reasonable plot about Kirk dealing with Spock not being himself, and eventually realizing that Spock is still there for him despite it all.
Instead of rewriting the entire movie, I just filled in some of the gaps, not only in The Final Frontier, but also in the movies leading up to it. Of all the movies, only The Search For Spock really showed what was going on with Kirk and Spock’s relationship - I was especially surprised how little Spock showed up in The Wrath of Khan before his very dramatic (in a good way) death.
#v writes#Star Trek: The Original Series#Spirk#A Crazy Little Thing Called Love#Aging With Mistakes#episode response#movie response#Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan#Star Trek: The Search For Spock#Star Trek: The Voyage Home#Star Trek: The Final Frontier
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I am here.
Hello Tumblr.
My name is Christine, but you can call me CJ. I’m 24 years old, and I am trying, desperately, to save myself from dying. Though I don’t know how desperate I can consider myself to be considering I am only on step one of what I expect to be the longest journey of my life.
I weigh 430 pounds. I have severe asthma, anemia, and a calcium deficiency. I have crippling joint pain. My mobility is severely limited. I’ve always just assumed I’m fat because I’m lazy and I like food. But four months ago, I was diagnosed with binge eating disorder; the definite cause of most of my health problems. I have apparently actually had it for approximately fifteen years of my life... Long enough to not even know that it wasn’t normal. Wasn’t normal to think about food constantly. Wasn’t normal to plan every aspect of my life around meals. Wasn’t normal to ONLY look forward to when I finally got to binge again. Wasn’t normal that I couldn’t find the heart to get that excited about ANYTHING else. Wasn’t normal to tell stories about fond memories of trips, family gatherings, adventures with friends, only to predominantly focus on the meals I had, because everything else is blurry; because I always remember every meal in precise detail. Wasn’t normal that the only time I felt in touch with myself was when I was eating.
In all honesty, someone should have noticed a lot sooner. Society is so blinded by its genuine hatred of fatness, and in turn fat people, that it never occurred to anyone that it wasn’t normal for a thirteen year old to weigh 300 pounds. That there was no way that there was anything wrong with my weight that wasn’t blatantly my fault. It never occurred to anyone that my constant weight gain might be weird, despite the fact that over the course of the decade I was in mental health treatment of varying types the entire time. Not once was a therapist, psychiatrist, or doctor like “Maybe it’s weird that this human being has gained more than 100 pounds over the course of less than a decade. Maybe there is a mental health component to that.”
I’ll be honest, I’m a little salty.
Being diagnosed was simultaneously the most validated and the most devastated I’ve ever been in my life. I cried the realest tears I’ve ever cried. For the first time, the things I was saying felt true. Not because I had been lying, necessarily. Though I will admit that when it comes to my eating, I have rarely told the full truth to anyone. It can be humiliating to explain it only to have them judge what I’ve said as “Oh this chick is gross”. But no, it was because for the first time I had told the truth to someone who, in turn, looked fucking SHOCKED. Who was floored by how incredibly not normal it was. Who said to me “Of course there is something wrong. You have an eating disorder, and I genuinely cannot believe you haven’t been diagnosed yet. There is no way someone is going to approve you for bariatric surgery. You could literally die.” (Of course, she said this a lot more nicely. She is a dietitian, and an amazing fucking woman. Despite having only met with her a handful of times, she will always be a massively important part of my life. She was step zero of what is the hardest thing I will ever do... If I even can do it.)
The next four months were a mess. The jist of it is that I went into the worst depression of my life. (I made this blog less than a week after my diagnosis, early December, but it took me this long to come back and finally post something.) I went into a partial treatment center two weeks into the new year. A week and a half in, my counselor recommended I go into a residential program.
That was the SECOND simultaneously most validated and devastated I’ve ever been in my life. I said a really hard, firm no to that initially. I didn’t want to leave my dad, or my fiance, or my friends. I would have to go five hours away to this place, and it just was too much. I don’t think I’ve ever seen myself go through the stages of grief so obviously (or so insanely quickly). It took about ten minutes to accept that I was going to go. But it took another seven weeks to accept that I needed to go, and that I actually might be able to fight this.
Literally last night. Literally.
Due to an insurance issue, it took seven weeks to get a set day I would go. Today is Wednesday. I leave on Sunday. But something clicked in my head last night. See, back in November, my life was FINALLY starting to turn around. I was going to start school in January to be a radiology technician. I was starting the process for bariatric surgery. I had an appointment scheduled with a dietitian who would review my case before submitting my application for it. I had my birthday on November 30th being one hundred percent confident that I was finally, FINALLY making some headway. I would finally lose enough weight to not be in pain. I would finally be on the road to a career. I knew my boyfriend was planning to propose soon. 24 is my favorite number; it has been all my life. I just KNEW that all the best things were going to happen to me when I was 24. I knew for so long that it would be a monumental year.
Less than a week later was when I got my diagnosis.
I have never lost so much hope. I’ve always been able to keep at least a little bit of hope in my back pocket. I’ve been fighting all my life to get better, and I’ve always been able to maintain at least a little confidence that someday I would win. But after that, I felt truly, completely, gut-wrenchingly hopeless. I didn’t realize it until then, but something inside of me “knew” that this was the fight I couldn’t win. Since waaaayyyyy before my diagnosis. My mental process when planning for my pre-surgery meal plan was “fake it long enough to get the surgery”. I didn’t quite know what I was faking, but I knew I couldn’t authentically do what they wanted me to. Knowing that I couldn’t get the surgery meant I had no hope for my future, because I truly believed I could never get better, never have control over my eating, and that trying was a moot point. I could have the weight removed by someone else, but I could never have the self control to stop eating the way I was. I went home and broke down to my now-fiance. In my emotional state, I remember wailing “how will I ever be able to be happy without this?”. I genuinely thought that the entirety of my happiness rested on the shoulders of eating compulsively; that nothing could make me as happy as food. That’s how fucked up my brain is. I was truly, completely, utterly hopeless. I was fucking broken. My dream of my 24th year being the amazing turn around story was smashed to smithereens. It was over, and I had given up.
I’ve clawed myself up quite a bit. I accepted that I was leaving, and I began to prepare my life around me to be placed gently on hold. I’ve made an extra effort to enjoy my time with my father, my fiance, my friends. I’ve poured myself into my hobbies while I had the time. I spent a lot of time reading about eating disorders, about the misconceptions around binge eating, about the treatment process, about people who were a lot bigger than me who had succeeded in getting better.
Then, last night, I was having a conversation with my fiance about my planned treatment process for the rest of the year. Residential for one to three months, coming back to go to the same partial program I was at before for several months, going into an intensive outpatient treatment for several months, and eventually taking everything completely into my own hands with outpatient care, at which point I will re-begin the bariatric surgery process. Then completely out of the blue, something hit me. My eating would be completely or almost completely in someone else’s hands for all of residential and partial. Could be up to SIX MONTHS. At my metabolic rate, I could likely lose fifty pounds in that time. I wouldn’t have to follow a meal plan of my own, at home, until IOP, and even then it would only be a few days a week.. That really could be enough time with it out of my hands to develop the right habits to make it the rest of the way on my own, to lose enough weight to give me the drive to keep the ball rolling.
And suddenly, I was sobbing again. Because finally, four months later, it was there again.
Hope.
Maybe this is the thing that I’ve been waiting for. Maybe this is my big 24 turn around story. Maybe I will still look back on this year as the most important of my life. Maybe ten years from now, I will know that this was when my life finally started.
I don’t know for sure yet. What I do know, is that in four days I am driving down to Philadelphia to do something huge, and that is brave as fuck. That I am taking a massive plunge in the name of my own wellness. I will admit, I have always been good at getting better. I’ve always been a fighter. I’m not quite ready to give up yet.
I’m going to post when I can, because I want to track this journey. Most of what I write will come from a place of emotion, and I can’t guarantee I will always be kind to myself or everyone else. But I want a record of this, at least tidbits here and there.
Welcome to my blog. Maybe I can actually do this.
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The New Party Meta - Part 2
Welcome back to my attempt to dissect character relationships in Berserk! Today we’re gonna talk about the disaster that is Serpico!
Serpico-->Guts
Serpico's relationship to Guts is intrinsically one that revolves around his relationship with Farnese and as such is slightly challenging to parse. It feels at times as though there are two halves to it—the half which deals mostly with how Serpico feels about Guts and what he means for Farnese, and the half which deals more with how Serpico interacts with Guts in matters where he's suppressing his “personal feelings” and doing his best to get along with him.
The biggest and most obvious thing is that Serpico considers Guts to be a threat—to Farnese's safety, and to hers and his views of the world and their places in it—and he has told Guts this on at least one occasion. He has stated that were it his choice, they would not be traveling with Guts. In the beginning, before they're traveling with each other, he does try to hide these feelings—neutral faces and simple requests that he not antagonize Farnese overmuch, which only break in the instants that he attempts to claim Guts' life (shooting him in the back with a crossbow bolt, the one-stroke battle after Farnese is possessed, and their later battle on the cliffside spring to mind). The real heart of their relationship, as laid out by Serpico himself in his own ruminations, is both that Guts is dangerous for Farnese's well-being and changing her in ways that Serpico could not or did not think to try to (which, I think, bothers him more than he lets on) and that Guts also is changing him, making him feel things with an intensity that shocks him (“While I arrayed myself in feigned ignorance, perhaps before I knew it, I too was affected by that heat. You certainly are a man impossible to ignore.” “Truth be told I thought to kill you many times. And the violence of these emotions within me shocked me.”)
Yet, they do still get along with each other quite well on the surface, when Serpico's threats don't hang over them overmuch. Even right after the Tower of Conviction, when the Kushan attack, Serpico admits that there's nobody more reassuring to fight alongside than Guts. Serpico is willing to offer him his shoulder when he's wounded, to try and carry him to safety when he's been struck by Ganishka's lightning (and here I think it's interesting that Guts calls him out on trying to do that, accusing him of not thinking straight because there's no way he can lug Guts back to shore even with the sylph hood). He overhauls Guts' attire with ease of use in mind, which Guts shows appreciation for. He defers to Guts as the leader of the group. With the exceptions of the instances in which Guts dons the berserker armor and poses a legitimate danger to the entire group, Serpico seems to have mellowed out to Guts the more time has worn on, and I wonder if that's not because of the extent to which Farnese has changed for the better—proving perhaps to Serpico that Guts is far less of a threat to her than he thought.
As far as the facet comparisons go, I think Serpico most represents Guts' fixations—on someone who he feels he must protect at all costs, and on someone that he believes to be a danger to that person. There's also an interesting little thing going on regarding how Serpico feels about his freedom—he's stated that he feels chained down by obligations (to his mother, to his father, to Farnese), and Guts, while certainly chained down by the obligation to keep Casca safe now, once roamed the lands without aim and without purpose, and he wasn't very happy doing that. What I'm saying is that what Serpico thinks he may want, as far as this freedom goes, may not be what he actually wants in the end.
Serpico-->Farnese
If I'm being totally honest, the first time I read Berserk I thought theirs was a nigh impossible to sort out trainwreck, and I do still kind of think that now.
There are two big things to keep in mind when trying to figure Serpico's side of the relationship out. The first is that Farnese is the most important thing in Serpico's world, without question. Serpico will, and does, prioritize Farnese's safety over the safety of everybody else in the group even after he warms to them. The second is that he considers Farnese his other half, considers them to be if not exactly the same, then similar enough as makes no difference—save for expressions in emotion of course.
Serpico was introduced to Farnese as Farnese's servant, and up to a certain point, this is how Serpico acts to her. He goes where she goes without question or complaint, but he is not always direct about it. He appears to refuse Farnese's order to kill Guts because they're only supposed to capture him, but he makes an attempt to do just that as soon as she's run away. He doesn't explicitly protest her decision to leave the Holy See and go chasing after Guts, but he does pick and choose his moments to try and get her to go back. The only reason that Serpico appears to stop acting like a servant to her is because Farnese stops acting as his master.
Serpico knows Farnese—he knows her moods, her expressions, and what each of them mean, again because he was raised with her, but he only is certain of them until she begins to change. And then, frankly, he's at a loss. He does not “know this defenseless side of her”, as he tells Guts. He resists these changes in his own way—trying to get her to return to the Holy See in an oblique manner, trying multiple times to kill Guts, who he perceives as the root cause of all these changes. And then, eventually, he stops, because Farnese is growing for the better and he can tell that it's for the better despite how he personally feels about it. So he lets it happen, neutrally accepting at first (“[...]the wind has blown. A wind strong enough to blow down everything you yearned for. And so I shall at least see to it that my other half isn't torn to pieces in the storm.”) and, gradually, with pride and happiness at her accomplishments.
And then, of course, there's the romance that never was. It's my read on it that Serpico does harbor at least some romantic feeling for her—otherwise he wouldn't call Farnese's mother 'astute' after her comment (“Such companions cannot be separated, because they cannot stand without entwining against each other, just like a pair of trees... my, the scent of the forbidden.”). This is of course to say nothing of his initial reaction to her entreating him to run away with her after her father intends to marry her off, though that's admittedly ambiguous at best and may or may not be influenced by him knowing that he's related to her while she does not.
There's also the slight side-issue of what kind of negative feelings he may harbor towards her because, for all that he's devoted to her, he does imply she's something that he's chained to, and Serpico again has weird issues with the idea of being free. When she asks him outright if he hates her his answer isn't an answer (“To talk of hate...”) and the subject is immediately dropped, never to be brought up again. Worthy of consideration, maybe, but as far as present canon goes it may well be a moot point, as they both seem much happier with themselves and each other.
Oh yeah and there's also that he completely, 100% loses his cool when Farnese says she wants to become a witch, and it notably takes him a while to wrap his head around that idea and accept it. Not sure what the significance of that is but it was pretty funny.
Serpico-->Schierke
Serpico and Schierke don't interact directly very often, but she does give him items blessed by wind elementals and oddly enough, they appear to be the means by which he begins self-reflecting in earnest. He thinks the wind is the thing most alien to him, being free to do whatever it wishes without consequence—so then, what does it say that he masters that power so quickly, as Schierke notes?
The other interesting thing is his general attitude towards magic. Delighted, I think, isn't the right word, but he seems much more smiley when in magical places, surrounded by magical things. The aforementioned sylph hood and sword are things he considers heartening to have in battle against monsters and they end up rather attached to him—he's impressed with their power, and with Schierke's power. He urges Schierke to have pride in herself when she feels down about her inexperience, calling her skills miraculous. He defers to her on matters that he's less experienced in, with a view that isn't colored by differences in age or gender.
Serpico-->Isidro
Serpico and Isidro aren't very close to each other—if Isidro's view of Serpico is hard to pin down and theoretical at best, Serpico's view of Isidro is even harder. He does have opinions of him though—opinions that giving him a dagger that spits fire is probably not the safest idea (though he does note that at least it's better than Farnese getting it), and that Isidro's skill in improvisation is surprisingly good (noted mostly by how Serpico sits up and takes notice when Isidro starts dual-wielding against Guts in practice, managing to make some headway but ultimately coming up short).
Aside from this the bulk of their interaction is kind of the hotheaded eager to prove younger brother and the cool aloof older brother who checks some of his more reckless impulses, though Serpico doesn't seem to go out of his way to do it. Serpico holds him back, physically if need be, when he's about to do something rash, he's constantly telling Isidro to mind himself in battle, and he's willing to explain himself to Isidro if Isidro doesn't understand something (at the end of his second fight with Guts, for instance).
I think the problem here is that we don't see a lot of the interactions they do have, but are implied—they do after all go out into Vritannis alone together to search for a ship, and at some point Isidro must have told Serpico something about his past, because Serpico's the only one who brings up that Isidro grew up in the mountains.
#berserk#serpico#meta posts#bizarre adventures#i might do a meta on serpico as a complete character later because holy Fuck#theres a lot to unpack here
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'The Downton Abbey movie will happen': Michelle Dockery on playing Lady Mary, a toilet-cleaning con artist and a feminist cowgirl
For now, she's sweeping away her genteel reputation in Good Behavior and Godless – as well as starring alongside Bryan Cranston in Ivo van Hove's stage adaptation of the 1976 film ‘Network’
Gerard Gilbert Wednesday 27 September 2017
It must have come as a shock to fans of Michelle Dockery's Lady Mary Crawley in Downton Abbey – or perhaps as a sneaking satisfaction to those who thought the haughty aristocrat verging on the insufferable – to have witnessed the actress's follow-up television role in the American drama Good Behavior.
The establishing shots of Dockery's character, a paroled junkie grifter called Letty Raines, see her flipping burgers and cleaning a lavatory pan in a scuzzy diner and kneeing a would-be rapist in the groin. It almost feels like some form of self-abasing penance – the type that medieval nobility might practise – for all those years playing the imperious Lady M.
"I wasn't actively out to do something so vastly different," says Dockery, back in the UK after a long summer shooting the second season of Good Behavior in North Carolina. "I loved Mary, I loved that character so much, so I would be doing a disservice to go 'eugh...I want to do something completely different'. But then most of the British people watching the show, the last thing they would have seen me in was Downton, so there's no denying that will draw people to seeing Lady Mary cleaning the toilet..."
Actually Good Behavior, which sees con-woman Letty, who is desperate to be reunited with her young son after a spell in prison, teaming up with a hitman called Javier (played by Argentinian actor Juan Diego Botto), was a role that came her way not entirely on the merits of Downton Abbey.
"I did an episode of Waking the Dead a long time ago – I must have been 24 or something – and I played this character Gemma who was a rape victim who then goes out to avenge her attackers," says Dockery, who is now 35. "She is the closest to Letty actually of all the characters I've played and it was on my show-reel, and the producers had seen it. You never know what job is going to lead to the next part in the next ten years."
It also helped that Good Behavior's writer, former Wayward Pines showrunner Chad Hodge, was "a Downton Abbey devotee" – but Dockery still couldn't believe her luck in being offered the part. "I loved the pilot when I read it: this deeply flawed complex woman. You're being constantly surprised by her life – by the fact that she has a son, that she's a con artist and a very good one. After I read it I rang my agent and said 'I have to play this woman.'"
The new season has a feel to it of The Americans, the drama in which Soviet sleeper agents pretend to be an ordinary suburban US family, as Letty and Javier try to live a normal life with Letty's son Jacob while both being hunted by the FBI. "The first three episodes of the second season are very funny because you're seeing this hitman and this thief trying to be normal and Letty cannot help herself," says Dockery. "She'll go this store and she can steal her son's school clothes rather than pay for them."
Filming took place in Wilmington, North Carolina, with 16-hour shooting days as opposed to the 12 hours on Downton Abbey. "Plus you got weeks off on Downton when they filmed the servants quarters", says Dockery. "But this show, Letty's in just about every scene, and you're like this hamster on a wheel.
"Wilmington is a wonderful place to work though because you have downtown, which is really cool and hip, and then the beach. But even then my weekends really were filled out with just resting or learning my lines. I'm constantly learning lines."
Dockery had a dialect coach to help with Letty's "general American" accent. "It takes a while to get into the movement of it," she says. "With American, you're using different muscles, with my accent as well... my Essex twang is still there and it's a little lazy at times, so the American accent is rhotic, you're pronouncing all your rs."
In person, the Romford-raised Dockery sounds nothing like Lady Mary, although she says the estuarine accent has softened over the years – except when she's had a few drinks. She won't be needing English English for quite a while however as she firmly establishes herself across the Atlantic, most recently in New Mexico shooting Godless for Netflix, a limited-series cowgirl drama being dubbed "a feminist western".
"That's what people are calling it," says Dockery. "I've certainly never seen a western before with that many female characters. The premise is Frank Griffins, played by Jeff Daniels, and his gang of outlaws are on this mission of revenge against Roy Good, played by Jack O'Connell, who's a son-like protege who betrays him. So while Roy's on the run he seeks refuge on my character's ranch, and this relationship develops between them, if you want to call it a relationship."
Her character, Alice, whom Dockery describes as a "hardened widow and outcast", lives in a town governed mainly by women as a result of a mining accident; all the men were killed. And in what sounds like a feminist High Noon, the women must come together to protect themselves against the outlaws – Dockery learning how to handle a gun in preparation for her role.
"The first thing we all did when we arrived on set was to go to cowboy camp," she recently told Vogue. "I remember when I shot a gun – the adrenaline was crazy. On Downton Abbey we had the shooting parties, but the women just stood back and wore a nice outfit and assisted the men."
"Alice was another character I was mad about and I put myself on tape for it when I was in North Carolina," she says. "I just loved her. Then I was offered and nearly fell off my chair."
Dockery won't be able to park her American accent quite yet – she makes her homecoming stage appearance at London's National Theatre later this autumn, in Lee Hall's adaptation of Paddy Chayefsky's Oscar-winning screenplay for the 1976 movie Network. Directed by Ivo van Hove, Breaking Bad's Bryan Cranston takes the Peter Finch role of the messianic news anchor Howard Beale, while Dockery takes the part played by Faye Dunaway, that of Beale's ruthless producer Diana Christensen.
"We start rehearsals in a couple of weeks and I'm so excited by the opportunity to be back at the National and working with Bryan Cranston," she says. "The timing is great because I've felt a real urge to be home again, and in the strongest sense it's kind of happened because I feel like I'm going back to my roots. The National was my first job out of drama school [in His Dark Materials in 2004], so it's a wonderful feeling to be back home."
Indeed it's easy to forget that Dockery was foremost a stage actress before Downton Abbey whisked her career off in a different direction. She was twice nominated for an Ian Charlson Award, in 2006 and 2008, and once for an Olivier Award, for her part in the Russian drama Burnt by the Sun. She was also Ophelia to John Simm's Hamlet at the Sheffield Crucible in 2010, "descending movingly into madness", according to The Independent's theatre critic.
However, Downton fans need not despair of ever seeing her again as Lady Mary. According to the president of NBC Universal, Michael Edelstein, a script is being written for the long-mooted Downton Abbey movie and a budget has been set. "Yeah, the phantom script... nobody knows. We'll see," says Dockery. "Ending Downton was very bittersweet for everyone, it did feel like something that would go on forever and felt like the audience didn't want it to end. I think that's why talk of the movie is just endless.
"I'm positive something will happen at some stage. But it is proving difficult to get together a big ensemble cast like ours, so we'll just have to see. But I'm not bored of Mary."
Season 2 of 'Good Behavior' is on Virgin TV from16 October; 'Godless' is on Netflix from 22 November; 'Network' is at the National Theatre from 4 November
From The Independent
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Episode 9: “-28... negative. 28. negative. twenty. eight.” - Jason
i'm fully a psycho, i practiced my acting in the mirror to pretend I accidentally voted Ian. its a mess. a REAL mess. and I might have done it for no reason, they took it super well so maybe I... shouldn't tell Jason...
i literally am why Ian left. I wanted him out since round two, and I made it happen even though nobody wanted it to. I FINALLY ACTUALLY MADE A MOVE IN A GAME. I FINALLY DID SOMETHING I'M SO HAPPY asldfa. I could CRY, I can leave this game happy.
um da fuck alalkdgh well I aldlkj so alkjdfc;l.
^ decipher thats all I got.
No honestly I don't know what to think right now. Everyone went crazy last tribal and I feel like I need to explain myself a little bit? First off my alliance voted someone oppositely of what they told me they'd do. And secondly, they used me as a total fallback. And what made it me CRACKED asf was that they told me none of it. Like we talked in the morning about how shit was going to go down tonight and decided on Jason. We were all in agreement and it was in motion. Later Tom asked me what the vote was and I was told to tell him Ian. Except Alex told me that he told him Me. Without warning me. At all. Which is like shitty. So I kinda got paranoid and started asking around and seeing what was what, and thats when Tom came up to me and said that there was a big blindside to vote me off led by Alex. Of course, my initial thought was that this could be happening and he made this big plan to vote off Alex and I talked to Ali about it but ULTIMATELY I decided to go with Jason as I promised. My mistake I guess was telling Jones, who I really trusted, saying that they wanted to make a move on Alex but I trusted him and said I voted Jason. I only said so because I was worried that it might fall through and I might need to be saved by her idol. Which I know is hers of course and I don't want to dictate when she can use it but with this insanity going around I just was really nervous. But honestly I can't believe that Alex and them all just decided against voting Jason without telling me. They said it was to save me, which of course is true, but they didn't tell me. And it was SHITTY for Alex to not tell me that he threw my name to Tom, like truly dumb. I know I've said I might want him out soon a lot, but honestly I HAVE NO IDEA what I'm going to be doing with the next tribal. I do wanna say tho that I like him as a person a whole lot! He's sweet and loyal and really kind, I just think he's gonna end up dominating this game if people let him.
PS I don't know if Julia has a problem with me. We were suppose to be voting together for Jason, and while she doesn't owe me anything, she just wouldn't talk to me. Like I think I wouldn't have CRACKED so hard if I could just reach her and get a grip on how she was voting.
She's being chaotic on purpose but only to me? I don't get it.
okay I'm off the alliance call. I just sent a really like emo paragraph to my hostchat but I'm so happy, which is gross because I just did Ian so dirty but lemme explain.
I have played 7 games before this (3 Survivor, 4 Big Brother) - I've come 2nd in five of those games, and without exception I have never EVER played a game I'm proud of. I always make fun of my game for being crap. Like I'm always a goat, always crap, and always play passively.
I'm so excited about this season and this game because... I'm finally playing the game and a game I am proud of. Like I'm not fussed about winning or making FTC, because lets be real, it fully is not happening, but I wanna leave the season proud of my game. And I already so am, like... I've wanted Ian out since round two, and I've been determined to make it happen.
And I did that. I literally was angling to get him out via a vote switch and then when the vote split came up, I knew exactly what to do. I knew Ian would be less willing to make amends and more able to make connections. I knew Ian was a threat and so urgently needed to be removed because he could keep a grip on the game.
I can't believe that. In a tribe of twelve people, where nobody wanted Ian out (the four votes for him were all just for the sake of a vote split), and I singlehandedly forced it through. I saw a target, knew to make a move and got them out. IM SO HAPPY.
in other news... I am a psycho, I literally went to a mirror, practised how to look shocked and then went on that call and acted my HEART OUT. I think people bought it, but it is. the. most. cracked. thing. I. have. ever. done.
I'm now kinda stuck, because I have two options. Either I tell Jason what I did earning his trust, or I just... try and work with Jason without telling him. One is riskier with more potential long term benefit, and one is a much safer bet. I am gonna think on it and decide tomorrow.
Also I was really mean about Jones, Mo & Alex in my confessionals earlier. I take it back, on calls they are so FUN. I think they just aren't texting people so I don't judge. Doesn't mean I necessarily wanna go too far with them, but I love them as people and feel bad for being mean.
also since this round solidified that much as I'm proud of my game, I'm not making FTC, I'd rank people in the order I'd vote for them as a juror as:
Jules > Alex > Mitch > Tom > Benj > Jones > Julia > Jason > Caeleb > Mo
Jules/Alex/Mitch seem very switched on, Tom making it to the end would be a real underdog journey, Benj is a king and has the right idea with an undercover duo, Jones/Julia savvy queens, Jason actually also has an underdog story we will need to see with that one, Caeleb telling Jones about the Alex plan is a real dumb move imo which lowers his rank for me. Mo is my SON and I love him but would need to see more game from him to be comfortable voting him at FTC in any scenario.
also ian talking about dom not deserving to win switzerland set off kill bill red flags for me. nobody who talks about dom negatively lives to tell the tale, you go BYEBYE. but also ian ilysm, like you were a major threat and had to go, but on a personal level i love you with my whole heart.
okay last confessional for now, the two moods:
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June 30th yeehaw
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July 2nd
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Extra notes:
Benj and i are working on the idol hunt together and I’m already on like,, 30 w him so it’s gucci, I’m not gonna tell Alex ab it or anything bc I kinda wanna try and stray away from him a bit?? Like he doesn’t have to know EVERYTHING Ab my advantages yk?
And I’m probs not gonna try and use the vote cover on anyone rn bc every single one of my allies is like,,, up for exposure???? So that’s wacky,,
Also bc Ian was absolutely ROBBED of jury we’re thinking it’s a F2
Bc OF COURSE IT IS which I’m not mad ab but I have to think ab who i’d Really want to sit with,,, best case scenario for me is probs Benj,, maybe Mo? Not too sure,, but um ya barbecue sauce on my thiddies here we go into f11 onward and upward amirite
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGv10gbJxVU
this was b4 tribal
So I lost Ian... and I'm kinda mad about it! I can't help but feel like I'm on my way to the jury because even the next day people are still acting super weird with me. I don't really understand how I'm a threat to anyone right now though??? Like I guess the Me/Ian power duo thing was valid but Ian's gone now so that argument should be moot.
I have no idea what to do moving forward. Up this point my game has been based on how I interpret conversations with people and how much I thought I could trust them... but I can't do shit if no one wants to talk to me (and I cannot stress ENOUGH how much sense this doesn't make).
The one good thing about me staying in the game I guess is I now have free reign to do whatever the fuck I want with my time left here. If I can blow up as many games as possible and stir the pot as much as I can at least I go out having fun?? Right?? But bottom line is I fully intend on lone-wolfing this game for however long I'm still here for.
My current first steps are to first throw Julia under the bus to Caeleb, and hopefully get something going with Caeleb. If I'm in with Caeleb, it might help with Alex, Jones, and Mo using me as a number.
Next is to pretty much sell my soul to the kingpin of this entire thing right now, Alex. I'm imagining a faux-Phillip Sheppard scenario where I tell Alex he owns my vote, but he doesn't really. I have no clue if he'd bite but it's worth trying because what the fuck else do I have left.
On the topic of Alex, I could also try to shift his attention into targeting someone like Mitch or Benj? I can embellish a little bit and tell Alex that Mitch is spreading a rumor that he has the Dirt People Idol or something along those lines.
Next on the (tentative) agenda is to talk with Jules and try to see where I stand with her. For some reason I feel the most burned by her from last tribal?? I don't trust her at all but as long as she thinks that door is still open I'll hear what she has to say. Maybe I can guilt her into giving me more info as well?
And the last thing I can think of is try making a better connection with Mo and Jones, and hopefully start some sort of game relationship with those two. I don't really see myself getting far with this one considering these two have been hit or miss in the conversations I've had with them, but there isn't anything worth not trying at this point.
Back to a less gamebotty point of view, I've honestly been oscillating between being angry and being upset about how last tribal broke down, mainly because I feel like Ali, Julia, and Mitch could've waited a lot longer to do something like this if they were worried about me and Ian (which I still believe they had very little reason to be worried right now in the first place). But I also feel like I had 9 doors slam in my face and the only person I can still be real with is Tom. I'm back at square one and I'm not happy about it, but I didn't come back to this godforsaken ORG to go down easy so I've gotta keep moving for as long as I can.
(Also I need to be willing to let go of Tom. I'm not gonna go out of my way to burn him, but I'm also beyond the point of wanting to stick my neck out too far for him. My longevity is the only priority right now.)
okay so... this vote is operation get Caeleb out of here. I really wanted to work with Caeleb, and I think he could have been a really useful number, but like... him telling Jones about the plan to vote Alex really, really rubbed me the wrong way. Like I do not trust him at all after that, I really do not know where we are at now.
So here is the goal. I'm about to call Jason and hopefully get him back on side. Then hopefully between Jules and I, we can convince Space Jam to vote Caeleb (I'm still confused how close he is to Mo/Jones/Alex, could be a good test). With Caeleb, a potential number for them, out of the way, next round its time for a big move, its time for one of Jones/Alex/Mo to go.
The numbers for that move would be (hopefully) Me, Jules, Julia, Tom, Jason, Mitch (6/10) + Benj hopefully, or at worst I'll just keep him in the loop. I really think Caeleb going could be so so good, it really opens up numbers and weakens Jones/Mo/Alex - it also narrows down where the idol is, something that we have to stay conscious of.
At the moment, my closest allies are definitely Jules and Benj. Jules is just.... the best, so woke, so on the ball, I am LOVING playing this season with them. Benj is such a king, my earliest like 'proper' ally even though Julia approached me after like 0.5 seconds in the game ha. I love Benj, and at the moment he also is quite out of the loop, he could also be a workable FTC option. I'm really stuck with Jules and FTC - you would be crazy to take Jules, as articulate and smart as they are, to FTC, but I really don't think I could face writing Jules' name down, I would feel AWFUL.
Also thoughts on Tom? He is too good for this world, he was so sweet about Ian/Jason going and like I really relate to the emotions he feels in games, on a personal level he is the best.
I feel like my plan going forwards is vote off Caeleb, then Alex, then Jones/Mo, and then figure it out from there. I really think if I play it right, I can slowly and calmly continue to have real swing over this game, I'm mc'loving it.
Also, because I keep doing this and its a fun pattern at this point, this is the order in which I would vote for people at FTC, if I go 11th at the moment:
Jules > Jason > Alex > Julia > Mitch > Jones > Tom > Benj > Caeleb > Mo
okay i just called Jason, such a king! i feel like i was VERY awkward, and I like I didn't articulate myself very well, but... he gets that we are going to need to potentially pull some shenanigans. I really want Caeleb then Alex, but if we need to just do Alex first, I can deal with that.
I think ideal situation is Tom wins immunity, Space Jam wants to vote Caeleb - we all go along with it, and then Alex goes next round, but we will see eek!
Oh wow hi it’s me, Mo.
So here’s the rundown on what’s happened the past couple rounds for my dumbass. First let’s start off with getting to merge, it’s a talent of mine, don’t look at my Italy placement. We’re out of that dumb fucking cave so no more waiting which is great. Another cool thing is I’m actually allies with Julia now which is weird because I’m going to be honest I was terrified of her going into this game. We had a past game experience that made me fearful. But now I’m sitting comfy in a majority alliance with Alex, Ali, Jones, Jules & Julia. By the way this is a first time thing for me, being in a majority alliance during merge. So this at least guarantees me final 7 or 6. It took me four tries to spell guarantees, who’s idea was it to put the u in front of the a it’s fucking stupid. But like here’s the thing, my gameplay is somewhat underwhelming. Basically my game relies on jury management and likability. Because I can’t strategize for shit, I just kinda smile and waddle forward when a door opens. I thought at this part of the game I would be close allies with Tom again but that didn’t happen. Apparently JJ told Tom about an alliance made in old Durmitor with Alex, Jules, Jones & Evan??? Made to like simmer JJ down. So now Tom doesn’t want to work with any of them (Which mind you three of them are my close allies) so he confronted Alex about it and I think he was like butthurt about not being included??? But like bitch I wasn’t included either but I’m not sulking about it. It wasn’t even a serious alliance. Also back to my alliances, sorry I know this is mixed up. MESSY, WHO BROUGHT NAPKINS IM GETTING MESSY. But I was also in an alliance with Alex, Jones & Caeleb after the swap. Called the Durmitor Dominators which is still a thing. But Caeleb wasn’t added to the Space Jam alliance with the group of 6 so I’m like??? What’s going on there??? I should probably talk about it with Alex because I am confusion. Also now there’s this new twist since we got out of the Dua Lipa cave, now we have to adjust to the sunlight with this exposure twist which basically means whoever gets eliminated gets to expose three people and whoever is exposed still by the tribal has to write who they’re voting for in chat. So I love that. But that’s about it for me thank you for taking the time to read this.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE VOTING JASON AT ALL THE FUCK I WANT TO GET ALEX THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BUT NO CAELEB APPARENTLY WANTS TO VOTE JASON I HATE THIS THEY REALLY ARE TRYING TO GET MY HOMIE JASON OUT!!! WAS I CONSPIRING AGAINST HIM AND IAN ALL WEEK? MAYBE SO! BUT I DON'T WANT HIM OUT YET!!! I DON'T!! WE ARE TRYING TO BLINDSIDE ALEX BUT THIS AIN'T WORKING UGHGHGHGHG *STOMPS ON THE GROUND* UGHGHGHGH I HATE THIS GOODBYE
Sooo besides the fact that it took me 5 minutes to find the confessional tab because I havent been doing these im here to update!!! Ian was just voted out and although i'm fine with it for now, I was NOT expecting a split vote. That makes me feel a little bit nervous going further into the game. I did think it was beneficial to split up the Jason/Ian duo but i was expecting Jason to go; not Ian. Anywho im almost positive im in the same predicament this vote. I've mended my relationship with Jason and im working very well with Tom to flip the script on Alex (who I believe to be running the game). Typically I would wait a few more rounds to get Alex out, but if everyone is playing for him to win, I might miss my opportunity like I did in my last season. I'm not blind! I'll do whatever it takes to go far and put myself in people's endgames. RN swapped Durmitor has the power. I dont necessarily like that because although im not on bad terms with them, I'm definitely on the bottom of that totem pole.
Tom sent seven confessionals in a row to be put at different places throughout this and last episode??? I guess??? But no thank you, so enjoy the thoughts in the order he apparently had them. ~Drew
*1 hour before tribal*
WHY IS ALEX SO CRACKED HONESTLY alex has said ian, caeleb and jason to 3 people i dont understand i am most likely getting played here but i dont want any of them to go, i see very high potential when working with all three of them so i think im going to try to make a big move and take out alex. I'm immune this round but next round im not so its a bit risky. I think Ali and Jules would be on board if there was the numbers there so if me ian jason julia ali and caeleb all voted together that would be majority and alex would be the first blindside of the game....
Tom
*10 hours before tribal council*
Everyone is pretty much dead silence i feel like everyone has an idea of who they would like to target but no one is really wanting to be the first person to throw a name out there so like its gonna get so fucking messy whilst im asleep and imma wake up to one big mess i already know it
Tom
*1-2 hours before tribal*
Okay so I've just woken up and i just spoke to alex and he seems like he just wants to do anything to get his ass safe this round which is sketch af, he is saying the vote is caeleb to me so thats cool and all but i asked caeleb what he was hearing just to get both sides and caeleb said alex said jason..... so like wtf is alex trying to do.....
TOM
ABORT MISSION ABORT MISSION sinking ship is near i cba voting for alex now that he has told jones, he did the same thing as evan and i am just ready for his ass to go out the door ugh im so annoyed!
Tom
OKAY I CANNOT DEAL WHO THE FUCK IS THIS CAELEB KID HONESTLY WHY ARE YOU SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT WHY DID YOU GO AND TELL JONES LITERALLY ALL OF WHAT I SAID....ITS A KNOWN FACT THAT THEY'RE A DUO OPEN YOUR STUPID EYES IDIOT!!!! THANKS SO MUCH NOW IMMA GET FUCKED OVER AND GET TARGETED BY ALEX AND HIS MINIONS NEXT ROUND. THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR TRYING TO SAVE SOMEONE I WANT TO WORK WITH IN THIS GAME....
Tom
*Tribal just happened*
Oh okay uhm well thats just fucking sad. I would like to say i never cry when a close ally is eliminated but i am a mess, i am crying right now at work and my driver is like "uhm are you okay..." yeah man im okay just crying over an ally that essentially died because i cant even speak to him anymore rip :( I miss ian so much i am so fucking furious that i am blindsided again at merge tho.... also really 9 people were in on that blindside split vote.....WOW! I am so surprised that ali and jules didnt tell me about the plan tbh they can say all they want about how they thought i knew but like if you thought i knew you should've just spoken to me about the vote.... like WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SPLIT UP JIAN when JONEX is still in the game they're much more dangerous and so much harder to get out every round we get closer.
Tom
waa waaa waaa call the wambulance! My plan is working so far i think tbh, mitch has been very responsive about this round and i am fairly certain that he has realised how fucked of a position he is in this game without me and jason here so he made an alliance chat which is good because that means he will work with us even just for this round. I think a lot of people now jian is out, have realised the next big big duo in this game is jalex so hopefully the movement on them occurs!
Tom
*hour after tribal*
Okay so this is shit me and jason are in minority and will most likely get votes split against us.... time to do something about it, in the past merges ive been too ive been in the bottom, and i was taken out this time it wont be happening as much as alex would like it too i will not let it happen! This cast seems to have fairly emotional sympathetic people in this game so imma express how sad i was at the tribal say i was balling my eyes out when ian left and how i feel so down and out and that i am very lost and sad in this game. Because this will make people feel bad for not including me in the plans and also it will create conversation for them to work with me to build my spirits up again and make me happy.
Just thinking about this exposure twist. Kinda cool actually. I'm surprised to say it but I think this might be the type of thing that I like to see??? Who am I. Kinda wish the reward challenge was more of a flash game over a typing game, only because I wanna know how hard the winner worked to get that score. Like for typing you kinda either are already good at it prior or you're shit at it, so I can't tell if Alex put in a bunch of time and effort to win. If it was some weird flash game that had a steep learning curve then I would know better and have a better grip on the game Alex is playing. Regardless, kinda excited about Benj having the curse because I think(?) that we can use that to actually do something crazy? Like I'm thinking a 5 vote blindside tie type situation where Benj throws out a red herring type of vote. We'll see, but I think I need to keep a low profile so who knows if that'll come to fruition.
okay mitch! has! been! elevated! to! king! status!
me and mitch have had a good conversation which I'm super SUPER happy about, he is someone who is in a similar spot to me, so I am SOOO happy we are talking yay. He agrees Alex needs to go soon, like... people are on the same page, maybe its time for it to hap' hap' happen.
since alex won reward, he'll of course save himself, which is fine. it means julia and benj are exposed, and while they're both close allies of mine, they are probably the two who would be in the toughest spot to vote alex, julia since she is like out of nowhere close to him, and benj since he is close to jones.
the plan could be to get alex and co to agree to another split vote or something, which separates numbers that could allow us to strike versus Alex. Maybe if we did like... Alex/Jones/Mo/Caleb on someone, Benj/Julia on another and then Me/Jason/Tom/Jules/Mitch on someone, making a 5-4-2 vote. oh god these merge vote counts have been so so cracked.
we will see. i think my placement this season is going to be like... 8th or something? I am scared of flipping for two votes in a row, BUT I feel like the good news is if I was getting voted out, either Tom or Benj would now hear about it, so I should be able to still play my idol. We will see ahh, but its very scary!
as always with my confessionals:
Bootlist: Alex > Caeleb > Jones > Jason > Mo > Mitch > Julia > Jules > Me/Tom/Benj F3
here is the problem though, I can't vote Jules out. I am such a Jules stan, voting them out would snap my heart it half, I really don't think I could do it. I think I would need others to do it, I'd probably want to be blindsided by it and kept in the dark.
and then the order I would vote people in an FTC:
Jules > Alex > Jason > Mitch > Benj > Julia > Tom > Jones > Caeleb > Mo
Ok so now I’m getting added to a third alliance chat which is supposedly a final 3 alliance. But like here’s the thing, I’d be sitting next to Jones & Alex. I have a snowballs chance in hell of winning against either of them. Everyone loves Jones and Alex has been kinda running this game so far. I’m just kinda his goat. Don’t get me wrong I wanna start making some moves but it’s too early, right now I want to stay unthreatening and low key. I might just have to ride this coat tail to the end because if we have bitter jurors they’ll end up looking at Alex.
So Alex says he didnt read the challenge post... yet came 2nd?
I dont buy it, I fully believe if I ask Benj and others what Alex asked to give him, he will say negatives. He is such a fraud.
also this split vote will be his undoing... his ass is about to be grass... mwahahahahha
-28... negative. 28. negative. twenty. eight. what the FUCK did i do to these people??
I don't even know where to go from here.
...but I mean I kinda do.
I can use this to further push the narrative that I've got no one and hence nowhere near the biggest threat/I'm the easiest target there is and HOPEFULLY people take their eyes off of me.
Aside from that what I WANT to do is vote Alex out (big change from my last confessional, I know). I think I have Tom and Jules on board if I were to pitch it to them, same with Mitch and Ali. I MIGHT have Caeleb but he ran it back to Jones last round so the precedent's already set. So from there to have a five vote majority was I was considering to split the other 6 votes. Julia and Benj are getting their votes exposed so they probably want to vote majority, which I'm anticipating to be someone like myself, Tom, or Caeleb. Ideally, the vote splits one of two ways— NEVERMIND
!! BREAKING !!
Tom says via Ali that Alex thinks that the 9 that split their vote on me and Ian are gonna split their vote again on me and Tom, but Ali isn't on board with that (if he's being honest), and I'd have to assume the same goes for Mitch since there's now a chat with myself him and Tom. So the plan from there (which ties into what I was planning anyway) is to get Jules on board (we called the day after tribal, she SOUNDS like she'd be down), and let the rest of them split their vote.
So that means...
FUCK Alex
FUCK Caeleb
FUCK Julia
FUCK the rest of em bc who??
[but not really it's a game I don't mean it]
But as far as tribal plans right now go... ideally it turns out
5-4-2
5: Me/Tom/Mitch/Ali/Jules for Alex
4-2: Some combination of Alex/Mo/Caeleb/Jones/Julia/Benj for me/Tom
I probably get the 4 again, Tom gets 2... or other way around??? I get the 2 if Mitch/Ali/Jules are meant to vote for me?
But anyways don't be shocked if this is all for nothing and this is my last confessional x
god... negative 28...
i am so frustrated with julia. okay so tom told me apparently on call she said she has a F3 with Alex/Jones, specifically a F2 with Alex. Now... I fully feel like Tom made this up, BUT I asked Julia about the vote and she says she wants to ride out the Space Jam alliance...
is she nuts. is she NUTS kjlasdfas. Literally I feel like WAY too much of this tribe is drinking the Alex Kool-Aid and I can't describe how frustrating it is lowkey. Like I sided with Alex relying on like... Julia's wokeness that we could then detach ourselves, Alex is now FULLY running this tribe and it terrifies me.
It solidifies to me that Alex needs to go this round. Like....this round. He is running this tribe, he has grips on Jones/Mo/Caeleb/Julia, and potentially Benj through Jones. That is SUCH a large amount of this tribe, so I need to stick my neck out. I'm fully embracing that I'm not making FTC at this rate, so it's just time to shake stuff up.
Here is the plan. I am going to play into the split vote plan, we can get Alex and his minions as they shall henceforth be called to split their votes between Jason and Tom, and then maybe Me/Tom/Jules/Mitch/Jason vote out Alex or any of his minions, I don't care which.
At this rate, I'm going to be going into F10 in a potential 5-5 situation, but honestly... Jones/Mo say about a word and a half of game between them each round so they are not workable allies, Julia who flips at literally the drop of a hat is suddenly misted by Alex and Co., Caeleb is just infuriating for telling Jones about the Alex vote, shows he can't be trusted. That leaves only Benj my king, the only woke one, though I am afraid of his connection to Jones.
I just WISH this TRIBE would use their BRAINS. Specifically Julia at the minute.
I’m so TIRED I’ve been so quiet maybe that’s why people are thinking about targeting me :)
Ok ok lemme back up a lil,, this is all according to Alex,, which,,,,,,, idk about YALL but he’s giving off a bit of a paranoid energy right now,, and I’m fully aware of the fact that he has the best chance at winning this game out of anyone here, sooooo maybe let him get eaten by the wolves soon? Not necessarily soon but like,, ya soon. Don’t wanna get him to the end skkdkdkdks. I also think separating myself from Alex might take a target off of MY back, I’ve been trying to separate myself like on my own terms but I think I need to start like,,, setting the stage kind of thing. Idk all I know is that I have a better chance sitting with anyone BUT him,, So maybe it wouldn’t be a bad thing to push Alex into the fire a little bit.
I have yet to hear a name, though I’d like to get Tom out personally? He can slide utr really easily,, plus we can (or at least I can) confirm he doesn’t have an idol, the only question is does Jason have an idol and is willing to play it on the only person he voted with? Who KNOWS!! We just have to make them feel comfy (assuming we have the majority vote that is KSKSKS)
But ya stay tuned laid ease
okay so alex is really trying to play me and its very transparent. now, this could just be tom playing which if so, good for him, his mind and his MIST, but here is the deal.
tom tells me him and alex had a conversation about pairs, where Tom threw out Alex/Jones as a pair, and Alex threw out Julia and I. Then in Alex's retelling of that same conversation, side note its funny that I heard the same conversation from both sides in the space of about 10 minutes, Alex conveniently leaves out that he threw out me and Julia as a pair, and he is SO defensive about him and Jones as a pair.
Jones was on my ass immediately when Caeleb told her Alex could be the vote, and Alex also knew super fast. You are really going to try and convince me that you aren't even close when you have spent 23 days on a tribe together, and from the sounds of things, voted together every single time! im not buying it.
for this vote, i want either alex or an alex minion out, i think mo would be the most do-able. jones is close to caeleb, who we will need as a number, so if alex's idol paranoia is too big, maybe we need to remove mo from the equation? we will see.
mo is my org son, and i love him on calls and such, but I am confused by the game he is playing. I'm potentially super underestimating him, which is a definite possibility, but at the moment.... its like... do something charlie. is he just going to hide behind Jones and Alex, because that's not smart.
i would like to see Alex go this vote, but i think he is already too paranoid (i think tom stoked his paranoia WAY too much). I think Mo could end up being the back up vote, which is probably actually okay, because Alex is a definite shield moving forwards, particularly if still paired with Jones.
Updated Jury Vote Rankings:
Jules > Alex > Jason > Tom > Mitch > Benj > Julia > Jones > Caeleb > Mo
okay I'm like... getting frustrated with Alex. he literally does not know how to be subtle about anything lowkey, like this vote split is literally his 4 OG Durmitors voting 'correctly', leaving all his unsure numbers Me/Jules/Julia/Benj on Jason... like mc'what...
i really want him gone, EVERYONE is drinking the Alex Kool-Aid. Maybe I'm not seeing it, but Jones and Mo particularly are playing SO passively, I fully want to scream.
I need to convince Caeleb to make a move. It's really time to just send Alex, or literally any of his minions out of here. I want to include Julia so badly, but she is so blindly misted by him out of nowhere, I hate it UGH.
I think I want Alex and Mo out as the next two votes, Alex runs the show and Mo is just too passive of a player to be a workable ally. Jones is much more of a threat, but Benj likes her and I want to respect.
I just can't deal with Alex and Co. playing so passively for another round, I'll scream KLASDFA.
Alex aka Gru (because of his minions) unfortunately goes byebye tonight. It took a bit of last minute persuading of Caeleb, but we have GOT THIS ahh.
It looks like its going to be either 6 votes or 5 if Tom self-votes on Alex (Me, Caeleb, Jules, Tom, Jason & Mitch), 3 on Tom (Jones, Mo & Alex) and 2 on Jason (Julia and Benj).
This could definitely backfire, but I don't think I'll go home (famous last words), and if Tom/Jason gets idoled out, next round there is still wiggle room because I still have my KING Benj on the other side. Jones/Mo/Julia are going to be coming for my neck, but I'd rather face the minions than Gru himself NNN,
i might live to regret this if Caeleb turns on me, but I take back everything negative I've EVER said about Caeleb. He is an icon, and so so fun to talk to. I feel like he really trusts me now, so I can't turn on him unless I have to.
New goal final five is Me/Jules/Benj/Tom/Caeleb... and I think its do-able. We get Alex out this vote, then Julia/Mo/Jones/Jason as the next four, followed by Mitch... I'm not sure how exactly, but we will figure it out AHH.
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