#wonder why i'm so FUCKING miserable and depressed all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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put on tshirt after doing yardwork (cuz i got hot) and my mom immediately commented "look at YOU in bArE aRmS"
so i put on my long shirt again
#me and my mom#no matter how upset i get or tell her to keep her comments to herself... she won't#i'll knit a whole-ass fucking sweater and she'll immediately say 'it's too short'#thank u for invalidating every fucking thing i do and/or make#i made beef stew and it actually turned out good but all she could say was 'the house smells like onions.'#and then i'll see a job listing for something i don't have experience with/can't do and she'll get mad at me and aggressively#tell me 'you can do anything! library work translates to (job field that library work doesn't translate to)'#and it's just so frustrating bc she obviously has this idea of me in her head and i just don't match up#the whiplash from the 'you are so smart and you can do anything!' abt hypothetical things to the 'it's too short' abt things i actually do#'i don't like the color' 'i don't like the neckline' 'i don't wear wool' (it's not a sweater i made for anyone but me)#'oh look at you wEaRiNg ShOrTs' 'oh look at you wEaRiNg a sKiRt'#and danny got fat and she keeps commenting on it and all i can assume is that it's ALSO a comment on my putting on weight#but then we eat at fucking Popeye's for lunch twice a week#and no matter how much i say 'please stop making me eat junk food' we keep going#she doesn't leave the house on her own. she won't let me leave the house on my own#i had more freedom as a 16yo than i do now#wonder why i'm so FUCKING miserable and depressed all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i left a decent-paying job! for nothing!! i'm just sitting here and rotting and the library system here sucks and they STILL haven't#gotten back to me even though i applied in FUCKING DECEMBER#she can't finish a meal anywhere so anywhere we go i have to eat half of her lunch. so it's not stuff i would pick anyway#how do you even apply for jobs and put anything in your 'skills' when you're so fucking miserable you wish you were dead
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at least now i've gone through an important tumblr rite of passage, watching a longtime mutual become a radfem :/
#the thing that really got me was that they were talking about their morality ocd triggering them about it#bc of the way tumblr and the internet in general has this black and white approach to things#and one of those i guess was 'transphobes = bad' which like. is not what i'm ever talking about when i say that things have more nuance#that said i DO think that the way this website prioritizing hating terfs over supporting trans people is kinda gross#but anyway this person was so anxious about it and it just was depressing bc i related to that#they were SO afraid of losing friends or being cancelled over it and i was just like damn i wonder if all terfs are that miserable#but they acted like they just had no choice but to believe this 'thing' that they constantly alluded to but never talked outright about#which i am pretty sure now is just that they're a radfem or at least believe in a lot of radfem ideologies#and honestly? i go back and forth between genuinely feeling so bad for them and being like well that's what you fucking get#i wish i'd had the courage to talk to them about it but whenever i thought about it i got immeasurable anxiety#sorry for the very long tag ramble i just haven't been able to talk about this and it's been eating ME up too for a long time#i just feel horrible. i know in the past they've mentioned too how they want people to tell them why if they unfollow/block them#but i can't. i cannot. and then i'm afraid of just feeding into their victim complex by doing this#i just can't win. and it's like. i'm trans i am literally affected by their bigotry that they're acting like is just not even a choice#ALSO I REMEMBER HOW THEY MADE A POST ONCE ABOUT HOW PEOPLE IRL DON'T TALK ABOUT TRANS STUFF#LIEK IDK WHAT PLANET YOU ARE LIVING ON MY DUDE BUT I HAVE LIKE 5 TRANS COWORKERS AND EVERYONE IS VERY NORMAL ABOUT THEM#like maybe YOU live in a bad area#but you're just a really loud minority#anyway. yeah. just. oof.#still feeling some kind of anxiety about it#win rambles
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this is how I think Morpheus and Hob felt about each other (and themselves a bit) throughout the centuries
Morpheus:
1389 - Wants a plaything and goes to get it. Excited to see a human begging for Death. (Sadistic motherfucker)
1489 - Finds him interesting, likes the love Hob has for human inventions and wants to see how he lives further.
1589 - Disappointed and bored, he expected more from him so he went to find someone more interesting and with more passion than current Hob.
1689 - Scared of losing him but then seeing how Hob still has love and hope for life has him falling in love fast.
1789 - Fully in love and wants to share more of himself with Hob, but they get interrupted. Flirty af. But also was disappointed in what Hob did with the slave trade.
1889 - Is happy and content to see Hob again, wants to hear him talk all day long. Proud of Hob for being a better person, but also understanding of his mistakes. Gets called out being fond of Hob and gets overwhelmed and storms out like a drama queen. He could've evaporated into sand but preferred to go out in the rain because he's so fucking dramatic.
1989 - Wet sad cat imprisoned. Release him. Sad that he was forced to miss meeting Hob especially after their fight.
2021 - He finally gets to meet Hob again after too many years. He's so fucking happy and also so relieved to see that Hob is right there, just waiting for him even after all this time. He smiles easily at him now, happy and completely in love with this foolish human who waited for him and even marked around the old inn to show him where he was. Morpheus is a fucking simp at this point but honestly after all of his romantic life being fucking terrible, he just settles for friendship for now.
—
Hob:
1389 - Definitely finds Dream super strange but also hot. Believes him even if not fully.
1489 - You can count him on being scared and horny. The man doesn't know what he got himself into but is very enthusiastic to tell Dream all about his life and what he finds interesting and cool.
1589 - Wants to make Dream proud. He's living like this thanks to Dream so he must do something amazing of his life so that he continues living, right? So why is his stranger looking the other way and leaving him alone even after all the cool things he spoke about himself? He feels angry with himself but there's also some jealousy there that he doesn't understand very well.
1689 - He's fucking miserable at this point. Though is fucking nice to finally see someone who actually talks to him like he's a real person and not a pile of shit on the road. He also missed Dream very much and wondered why he hadn't saved him, but after stopping the want to die he understood that that life was Hob's to live alone and not Dream to interfere. He misses Dream even more when they part ways this time.
1789 - Finally got his life back around and is presentable to see his stranger. I'm 100% sure he finds Dream super hot right now I don't care. Definitely figured out his feelings after the last meeting in 1689 and was super excited to meet Dream again and show his worth. Is annoyed at Dream for trying to interfere in his life because he has never done that before, even when he was at hos worst. He understands after the explanation and feels shame. The fight ensues and he knows, he knows that Dream most probably doesn't need his help but he's going on 50% instinct to protect who he loves and 50% on showing off to Dream lol. Flirty motherfucker. They should've fucked this year istg.
1889 - Hob has reflected on his terrible mistakes and got better, helping instead of harming. His mistakes still haunt him, though, so he still feels shame for the horrible things he did. He's happy that Dream interfered at the time. A bit depressed. Reflected even more about his feelings for Dream and wanted to suggest for them to meet more, to make this more intimate and not like it's a business transaction. He's not stupid either, he knows that Dream at least sees him as a friend at least, he wouldn't care so much about him if he didn't. He tried to explain about it but it went terribly wrong. Hates himself for opening his big mouth but at the same time doesn't regret a thing. He trusts and loves Dream, even if the guy is a total drama queen.
1989 - He knows he said he trusted Dream and all that but he's actually so fucking nervous. What the fuck will he do if Dream doesn't show up? And then Dream actually doesn't show up. He waits all day for him, hoping to see the tall man clad in all black. But to no avail. He gets super stressed after knowing that the inn is going to shut down, so he obviously does the most rational decision... buys a new fucking inn and names it The New Inn so he can hopefully see his stranger again next century! Fucking simp.
2021 - He's a teacher now and every afternoon after his morning classes he goes to The New Inn to wait. Hob's hope never faded, so he couldn't do anything more than just wait for his stranger every day for all these years. He even continued in the same city without leaving, afraid of being discovered again after the witch trials... But he needed to stay there for his stranger. And then he finally came to him. Hob is simply and completely in love with this man, even after being made to wait so many years for him.
#i have more thoughts i guess but im sleepy#also i love them very much#dream learned to love and cherish humanity more because of hob for sure#dreamling#the sandman#dreamling headcanon#dream of the endless#hob gadling#hob x dream#morpheus x hob#queer
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Giving scara kisses and cuddles! I just wanna cover his face with kisses and see him getting flustrated!
The Stages of Grief
Scaramouche x GN!reader
Warning: Angst to fluff, positivity, optimism, Scara's real name
Summary: Scara's betrayal spirals him into darkness but you shed some light in his world.
1. Shock & Denial
After all three betrayals Kunikuzushi experienced, he was miserable. He couldn't mourn that little boy's death. It couldn't possibly be real. He couldn't accept how fragile a human life can be. Even if external crises are overcame, there are still internal problems that some may never go away. How can they all leave him like that? Was there something he unknowable did? If so, why didn't they tell him so he can fix it. Maybe then his mother, his first friend, and his last would still be with him.
2. Pain & Guilt
Burning down the only reminder of his innocence was in itself the desperation to be strong. He was desperate to forget about all the betrayals. He may have felt guilty for burning a place so special but he could only remember the way promises are broken. The fire burnt all past promises that are long to be forgotten. What he did was make a vow. A vow to never trust anyone again.
3. Anger & Bargaining
For a long time Kuni fell into a deep pit of anger. He burnt his once pure name, telling himself he would no longer be the innocent puppet he was. He is no longer that but he is Scaramouche, the balladeer. Someone strong and powerful. He resented humans and stomped on their feelings. The same feelings he once had and even if he tells himself he no longer bears the same human emotions, they'll always be there.
He doesn't blame himself for everything that happened to him. He blamed the archons, and especially his mother. It was his mother that abandoned him first. The person that should have been there for him. He told himself he doesn't need a mother and doesn't need a god. Maybe if he becomes even more than a god no one will ever leave him. They'll all become loyal and be there for him forever. He tells himself it's fear for respect but deep down, he really just wants to be loved.
4. “Depression”, Reflection, Loneliness
When he obtained his life long goal to gain the gnosis he rightfully deserved, for it to not work on him made him feel lost. If he already achieved the one thing he'd always wanted, what now? He left the only place that accepted him. He's all alone. He's back to being by himself and with no purpose.
5. The Upward Turn
Meeting you was what gave him a spark of life. He saw you as weak. You were always taken advantage of and left broken. He would watch you from the side, crying to yourself but to his surprise, you would wipe the tears away and keep trying. Couldn't you see that the world hates you? So why do you keep going?
Why are you so physically weak but mentally strong? "I only have one life. Why would I waste it on being miserable?" You would tell him. He chuckled darkly to himself. Yet he has a whole eternity and he remains stagnant. Despite not having a taste of death, when he looks at you he would wonder if remaining miserable without gain is worth it.
6. Reconstruction & Working Through
The one step of his life for the best was choosing you. You are the taste of his inspiration. He has found someone he loves and of course the lingering feeling of fear is still there. He understands that you are fragile and that your time is limited. He's afraid to lose you and he wants to experience life with you.
The once vengeful puppet's new goal is to feel life. "Life is full of ups and downs. Do you want to stay down there forever or be up there?" You would tell him optimistically.
"But I'm scared Y/N."
"You have a whole eternity to do whatever you want but I don't so I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want. Geez no wonder you're so short. You're always so down."
"You take that back!"
"You want to experience life together? I think it's time you experience the life of freedom."
Scara hesitates. He's always had a purpose, a mission and a life of freedom is so foreign but with you he'd be willing to do anything. Humans are so interesting.
7. Acceptance & Hope
The rays of gold streams into the bedroom, shining a light on both you and Scaramouche. You whine and snuggle into Scara's chest. "Wake up you sleepyhead. It's already late."
You look up at him with a pout, "But I'm comfy."
"I'm going to push you off the bed," He threatens to which your hold on him tightens. He's just saying that but he really doesn't mean it. He doesn't plan on letting go of his hold on your waist.
You're laying on top of him and he goes to stroke your hair. "We have to get up soon. The Inazuma Festival is already starting." You twirl his hair in your fingers with a hum.
"Your mother can wait." Both of you lay in comfortable silence.
"I can't believe I'm going to see her again," He whispers.
"I'm so proud of you Scaramoochie," You grin. Scara pushes you off to the side.
"Ew don't call me that!"
You giggle. "Okay but seriously I mean it."
"I know. Thank you."
"Can't wait to see you brag about your body count," You smirk.
"We will not discuss that! I will be kicked out the moment I say a single word about that!"
"I'm just joking!"
"Joking my ass," He scoffs. You hush him and peck his lips. As you pulled back, he chased your lips, capturing them in his. "I love you," He mumbles.
"I love you for eternity."
#scaramouche x y/n#genshin x reader#genshin#genshinimpact#genshin scara#scaramouche x reader#scara x reader#scaramouche#genshin scaramouche#genshin imapct#genshin impact x reader#angst to fluff
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I Left the Lights on For You
Eddie Munson angst and comfort oneshot, Eddie x gender neutral reader, Eddie's a good friend and a sweetheart. Minors DNI
CW: Talk of depression around holidays, mental health issues, self-harm ideation (but not acted upon), drug use. (Positive ending, though) Minors DNI
Summary: The holidays are awful for you. In your darkest moment you turn to Eddie, your dealer, to get something stronger than the usual to ease the pain. Eddie, being no stranger to loneliness and sadness, senses something is very wrong and decides to reach out to you. Eddie Munson x gn reader.
A/N: Sorry for the dark subject matter folks, but I wanted to give some representation of how hard it is for many of us with mental illness this time of the year, and I'd like to think dear sweet Eddie would definitely hold our hands through this. Please, if you are feeling like this in real life, reach out to your friends here or in the 'real' world, to a hotline or a website. Hell, message me! Don't stay quiet and don't suffer alone. You're not bothering anyone. You're a beautiful human being who deserves love and care. Please, please stay. Here is a list of resources in various countries.
Much love,
Peb
I Left the Lights on for You
You trudged through the trailer park in search of Eddie's place, narrowly avoiding spots where black ice had plastered over the gravel of the lot. It wasn't that late but it felt like some kind of eternal arctic night as you trudged through the snowbanks and felt the icy air numb your face.
Having a weird sense of time and feeling numb were nothing new to you by now, albeit in a different way. This time of year was so miserable for you, but you kept that to yourself around everyone else, smiled and played along. Why spoil it for them? The few of “them” that were even there anymore. You'd done a pretty good job of shutting everyone out even before the Christmas depression put the cherry on top of that shitty mental illness sundae.
Even calling Eddie had been difficult. It'd been so long since you used your phone that it had begun to gather dust on the coffee table. You knocked the gray fuzz off with and dialed. Your fingers drummed nervously as the phone rang. Maybe he wouldn't pick up. Maybe this wasn't even his number anymore. Maybe he doesn't want to....
“Hello?” a cheery, lazy voice answered.
“Hey,” you breathed out, not sure if you were relieved or scared to talk to him, “ Hey Eddie, it's...”
“Aww. Sweetheart. Come on. I'd know that voice anywhere. How ya been? What can I do for you?”
You didn't know him that well. As with everyone, you kept him at an arm's length, but he had a persistent warmth about him, like he specifically wanted to thaw you out and liked the challenge. Despite your nerves you couldn't help but smile when he flirted. How long had it been since you smiled?
“Hey uh...well...my stash is running kinda low and I was wondering if you have anything? I'm sorry to call during Christmas break I know you and Wayne must be...you know...celebrating or whatever.”
Eddie busted out a bemused chuckle. You could practically see his big smile from the sound alone. “Nah, honey, don't worry about that. In fact, Wayne moved out with his sweetheart so I'm here all by my lonesome and Christmas isn't exactly my thing. Fucking hate it, actually.”
“Fuck, me too.” you said, with a relieved exhale. “It's nice to hear someone else feels the same way.”
“What was that? I didn't catch what you said after 'fuck me too'.”
You chuckled, “Oh fuck you, Munson.”
“Gladly.”
You were laughing hard now. A genuine laugh. It felt amazing.
“Listen. Why don't you come by the trailer? It's a little cold to do business in the woods.”
Your jaw clenched. You'd never been to Eddie's place. You'd only ever met on neutral ground, specifically, at the picnic table hidden in the trees. This felt oddly personal...intimate.
“Uh...are you sure? I don't want to impose.”
“No! Not at all. I got nothing going on and I'm bored out of my mind. Come on by. I can even smoke you out if you'd like.”
“Uh thanks. That's really nice of you. I'll be there soon, okay. Just gotta get myself together. Which number is your place?”
“Just look for the lights. I'll leave 'em on for you.”
You scrunched your face up in confusion, “Won't everyone have lights up? How will I know which is yours?”
He chuckled again. “Oh you'll know. Trust me. See you soon, sweetheart.”
----
You decided Eddie didn't need to know that just “getting yourself together” would be an ordeal. How long had it been since you showered? Since you'd eaten? What day was it anyway? Settling back into the oppressive darkness within yourself, after the flicker of Eddie's light, made it seem all the darker by contrast; suffocating.
Come on. Not long now. Just get it together...just once more.
The warm shower did feel nice. So did the clean clothes. You stared at yourself in the foggy mirror for a long time. Your own face, blurred around the edges stared back. That seemed appropriate. Seeing your tired eyes and drab shapeless clothes, you felt like a ghost in a human costume; like this was some kind of backwards Halloween. It felt weird and wrong and ill-fitting to try to be a person right now, nonetheless you grabbed your things and hurried out before you could convince yourself not to go.
----
And here you were, swaddled deep in your parka, weaving through a trailer park full of the tackiest yuletide displays you'd ever laid eyes on. Just when you thought you'd never find the one you were looking for, a eerie crimson gleam caught your eye.
Eddie Munson was standing in the doorway of his trailer, surrounded by strand after strand of entirely-red Christmas lights, punctuated by the glowing motifs of pentagrams or skulls. He gave a smirk and opened his arms in a showman's gesture, proud of his handiwork.
“What do you think?”
You giggled. “I love it” you answered, as you pattered onto the porch, eyes wide.
He held the door for you in a gentlemanly gesture, ushering you into the balmy warmth of the trailer.
You don't know what you were expecting of Eddie Munson's habitat but “clean” was certainly not it. Glancing around, you could see that the place was shabby but very clean and tidy, and the tangy smell of lemony soap told you it was recently scrubbed.
“Did...did you just clean for me?”
His cheeks went red and he nervously tousled his hair, “Yeah. I didn't want you to run away screaming because of my gross bachelor pad.”
He looked so cute...devastatingly cute, with his red cheeks, dimpled smile, pajama pants and Garfield slippers. You'd never seen him like this. Every time you'd met before he was all decked out in chains, leather, and ripped jeans (although he was pretty great to look at in that too). You had the thought, not for the first time, that he would be great to look at in or out of anything.
You waved a hand dismissively “Eddie, you really didn't need to do that. My place is a disaster...just like me. I promise I wouldn't have cared.”
He smirked at that but then his big brown eyes scanned you. He could see the dark circles under your eyes, the twitch in your clenched jaw, the way your fingers and feet drummed and fidgeted. This was familiar to Eddie. He knew where you were at immediately because he'd been there himself, and he knew it felt like the bottom of the world.
He cocked his head sideways and looked down at you as he asked a softly, “Hey...are you okay?”
You twitched as if struck, blinked a few times, mustered yet another artificial smile, and nodded like a bobble-head. “Yeah! Yeah...of course. Totally...totally fine.”
He nodded, but his expression was still skeptical. “Well, can I get you something to drink? It's cold out there. Want some coffee or hot chocolate or...”
Your heart was beginning to ache at his kindness; kindness you didn't feel you were worthy of. You had to do what you came here for before you were distracted by it. “No...no. Sorry. Thank you but no.. just ah...let me know what I owe you and I'll leave you alone,” you said, gesturing to the little plastic bag of dried leaves between you.
“No! Really. You don't have to go! I promise. Unless you...you know...don't wanna spend anymore time with The Freak than necessary.” he said with an edge of hurt in his voice.
You came closer and grabbed his arm gently, assuring him, “No! No, Eddie, it's not like that. It's not that at all. You're so...you're so kind. I just...I'm not great company.”
He held both your shoulders, met your eyes with his sincere dark chocolate ones, and said, “You're perfect company. I promise. I'd been wanting to get to know you better and this is nice. Sit tight, take your coat off. I'll heat some cider and roll us a joint.”
You relaxed after his reassuring touch, peeled off your coat, then watched as he puttered around the kitchen. How long had it been since someone touched you? Talked with you? Assured you that you weren't a bother? Could he know how much that meant to you? You hadn't been able to feel much of anything lately except a blunt despair, and you hardly ever cried, so it surprised you when you felt the warm saline misting your tear ducts. You swallowed hard against the lump in you throat, attempting to talk around it. Thankfully his back was turned, so he wouldn't see your troubled face as you inquired, “Actually Eddie, I was wondering...do you have anything stronger?”
He paused with his back to you; movements stopping abruptly to listen closely. “Uh, I'm not sure. I might. What do you have in mind?”
You swallowed. “Ketamine...Vicodin...anything like that.”
He turned around now, brow scrunched and mouth dropped open as he thought, weighing his words and yours. “How much are you thinking? You gotta be careful with that stuff, you know. Space it out. Or with Vicodin...shit...I wouldn't go near that, honey.”
“As much as you can give me” you replied flatly, trying to keep the emotion from your voice.
“Why?” he asked slowly, eyes boring into you. You could tell, even though your gaze was on the floor, glaring hard at the tawny shag carpet.
“I just don't sleep right. You know? I'm nervous all the time. I'm just so...I need something to...to make it stop. Listen, I know it's expensive and I brought the cash for it, so please just...”
Eddie came up closer to you now. Before you knew it, you were mere centimeters from his chest, a Motorhead tee shirt dominating your field of vision. He smelled like detergent and cigarettes and warm skin and you wanted more than anything to snuggle into him forever. He took your face gently in both hands and guided your gaze up to his.
“Honey, look at me. Don't look away, okay?”
All you could do was nod, and swallow down the lump in your throat as you met his gaze. Eddie felt his heart break a little when he saw your beautiful eyes well up and spill over. He stroked your cheeks and said, “Just let it out and let me hold you. You've been holding onto it alone for too long.”
Before you knew it, you were heaving huge gasping sobs into his chest as his long arms encircled you. You panted and coughed like you had been drowning and finally...finally...had breached the surface as your rescuer pulled you up. He thought you felt so small and fragile, shuddering in his arms. He picked up one of his hoodies from the couch and draped it around you shoulders as he sat you down next to him.
When you were finally able to speak again you said in a raspy whisper, “I'm sorry, Eddie. I didn't mean to...”
“Shhhh. Cut that shit. I want you to be here. I'm glad I could be here for you.”
“Please, don't pity me.”
“I don't. I've just been where you're at,” he said knowingly, kissing your forehead and stroking his hand up and down your back in comforting little rubs. “Listen, I've always liked you a lot. I really wanted to get to know you but I thought you'd never want to hang out because I'm weird and intimidating.”
You laughed at that. “No! I was being the weird one. I never found you intimidating. You're so sweet, Eddie. I just couldn't...I was stuck inside...you know.”
He met your eyes, and his plush pink lips gave you a sweet smile. “Yeah. I know exactly the feeling. So please...just please stay. Talk to me. It'll be alright again one of these days. It really will. But for now let's just get through tonight.”
You nodded, wrapping the big hoodie around yourself like a security blanket. “Thank you,” you said and kissed him on the cheek.
“I got you, sweetheart. I'll always leave the light on for ya.”
@leelei1980 @msgexymunson @take-everything-you-can @loz-3 @veemoon @elegantkoalapaper @ladyofthestayingpower @hellfirenacht @sweetsigyn @itsfreakingbats @fairyysoup @joejoequinnquinn @josephfakingquinn @eddies-house
#eddie munson x you#eddie munson x gn!reader#eddie munson comfort#eddie munson angst and comfort#eddie is a sweetheart#eddie is a goofball#mental illness#seasonal depression comfort#eddie is a great friend
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Trigger warning for mentions of suicide (not me, Jon's been very depressed and I'm worried)
So the tenancy branch called Jon and told him apparently he's going about this eviction of his tenant wrong. Idk if I've mentioned that he's evicting her. She keeps breaking windows and the back door has been kicked in twice and replaced and the current back door makes it look like a fucking trap house. Someone burned the garage to the ground. One of the windows has a bullet hole in it that came from inside the house. Her ex husband shot someone inside the house (separate incident to the bullet hole in the window). You get the jist.
Anyway, so he had to hand the phone off to me because he was so wound up that he couldn't understand. All he has to do is give her a warning letter and the lady suggested we give a deadline of a week and a half. And then if she hasn't made the repairs by the end of the deadline she gets served with another eviction notice and has to be out by the end of December. But now he's all worried that she's gonna trash the place so bad that he can't rent it out again.
My guy. What did you think low income tenants were going to be like?? Like you very much signed up for this.
So then he immediately goes into "everyone thinks I'm a terrible person now" and "I'm the bad guy" because his self-esteem is so shite and yeah everyone fucking hates landlords and tenancy is there to protect tenants, not landlords.
I returned his energy because he was just yelling and not listening to me and I told him to shut the fuck up and listen and sit down for a second. He takes this as me not allowing him to have his feelings, which is not what I'm trying to do and I don't think that's what I'm doing, correct me if I'm wrong, please.
Like I was just trying to bring him back to earth and get him to listen to how simple this whole thing is and that we will deal with things as they happen because we have no control over a lot of this shit now so we are just going to have to get through it. We have the tools to do this, it's not going to be the end of the fucking world. We got this. But NO. Then he gets in his truck and leaves, says he's going for a drive. But now I have to sit here and be all worried that he's not coming home. I have no idea if he's gonna go off and kill himself. I feel like I can't leave him alone because he's been so depressed for so long.
He refuses to help himself. I don't think his parents ever taught him how to, they just fixed everything for him all the time instead of letting him figure shit out. So I'm the one that has to find him a private psychiatrist and make an appointment and I'm the one that has to call his family Dr. to make appointments when he's feeling shitty and won't stop complaining about it, but also won't do anything to try to fix it.
I just want a quiet fucking life. I don't want all this drama all the time. Everything is drama with this guy. Everything is the end of the fucking world all the time. I'm over it. I'm done. I'm scared of what he might do to himself when I leave, but I'm so fucking miserable being with him at this point.
And I think he knows I'm leaving. He's been so weird lately. Trying to be clingy and touchy, even tho I don't want it, and he's been very generous paying for a lot of things lately. Which just makes me feel more guilty, but then shit like this blows up and I am reminded again and again of why I'm leaving. But I'm starting to wonder if I need to just bite the bullet and kick him out of our house and end things now. I can't keep doing this. I'm sick and tired of dealing with all of this all the time.
I don't want to have to constantly do all the hard things for him. I didn't choose this. I did not make the choice to buy rental properties. I was actually very much against this when he started. I didn't want him to, but I didn't want to stomp on his dreams, either. I tried to steer him away, I tried to get him to just move us into the first house he bought, but no. He wanted to be a landlord because he wants to be rich and he listened to too many of those finance bros online and got it into his head that it would be easy. But I'm the one expected to pick things up when it's too hard and he can't. Or he expects his parents and his brother and me to just stop and help him with this shit (for free) when he needs help. I've told him to just pay people to do it, but "Oh I can't afford to." Then you can't afford to be doing this at all bro. Like you literally signed up for this and you cannot expect your elderly parents to help you with all the cleaning and repairing when you buy another house. You can't just expect me to do your administrative work for fucking free and then also be your spouse and therapist and mother on top of it all.
I'm just so frustrated and angry and worried right now and I can't fucking wait until I'm out of this and it's done with. I want to enjoy my life without all this bullshit.
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Happy Birthday, Butch.
Butch DeLoria x Lone Wanderer | 1,210 words
Content warning: alcoholism, CPR mention
"Happy Birthday to me," Butch sarcastically cheers with a bottle of his mother's vodka to his lips. Another year of only two gifts from his best pals – a pack of cigarettes from Wally and novelty flask with the Tunnel Snakes logo etched onto it from Paul. All of his other "birthday presents" were given to him two days ago, (one of the many great things about being born so close to Christmas) and his mother is too drunk to even function, much less have prepared him a gift other than a halfhearted apology and a pat on the back. Birthdays are always so depressing for Butch DeLoria, and his sweet sixteen is no exception.
He's startled out of his night of drinking on his own, however, when he hears a knock on his door. Maybe one of his pals left something behind? However, he answers to find Robbyn Brake, the goody-two-shoes Poindexter herself at his doorstep with her hands behind her back.
“What do you want, Nosebleed?”
Robbyn instantly recoils at the stench of alcohol on his breath.
“Yeesh! Banner year, huh?”
“Yeah, well, unlike some people ‘round here, I don’t exactly get shit handed to me on a silver platter.”
She grits her teeth in annoyance at his instant hostility, as well as his presumptuous and condescending statement – however cruel his comment was, it at least got him out of seeing that expression he so hates: pity. And man does he hate seeing it from her.
“...I… know it’s your birthday, and, y’know, doing the math, it must not be the most wonderful time of the year – what with it being right after Christmas, and your mom, and–”
“Lemme stop you right there, geek. I know what you’re gonna say, and I don’t wanna hear it, so you can fuck off with that shit.”
“But I just–” Robbyn stutters an incomplete counter argument as she brings a freshly baked sweet roll out from behind her back and holds it out in front of her, causing Butch to freeze in his tracks.
“Is that a sweet roll?”
“Uh, yeah…?”
“Why?”
She’s caught off-guard by his question, but she quickly scrounges up a lie that Butch doesn’t believe for a second.
“I, umm, I made it, and there were too many, and, well…”
He raises an eyebrow at her, rolls his eyes, and says, “I know you’re full of shit, but I’ll take it anyway. Better not suck.”
She rubs the back of her neck as he takes it, and she decides to spill the truth after a relenting sigh.
“Look, I know we’re not friends or anything, and I don’t know why you hate my guts, but I do know you’re a miserable son of a bitch who’s more than likely alone on his birthday, and maybe nobody needs to be alone on their birthday. Not even pricks like you.”
There it is. That fucking pity in her eyes.
“I don’t need your God-damned sympathy, so cut that shit out.”
He takes a bite of the sweet roll, and much to his disdain, it’s fluffy, buttery, and overall incredible.
“Listen, man, I’m not asking you to bask in my sweet, saintly glory or whatever, and I’m not here to judge poor Butchie. I’m just dropping off a baked good and fucking off so you can jerk off or whatever it is you do on your birthday,” she says as she turns towards her own dorm.
Butch is savoring every bite of that delicious sweet roll, but pride forbids him from confessing that it’s the best damn thing he’s ever tasted.
“Whatever. Thanks for the pastry, loser.”
She lets out a curt sigh and turns back to face him.
"Y'know, I know you're angry – and don't get me wrong, you have a lot to be angry about – but I don't know why you always have to be such a dick. I know for a fact that you're not always a complete asshole. And I'm praying to God that you're too drunk to remember any of this in the morning, because if I'm being really honest, I kinda miss the Butch from three years ago. Not whoever this is." Her hand gestures all over the douche in the leather jacket before she shakes her head and starts to walk away again.
Butch freezes. His brow furrows and he suddenly looks extremely uncomfortable as he realizes exactly what she’s referring to – the time he gave her her first kiss. He's never brought the lip lock up before, but now she's dropped it, and she says she misses it? He isn't sure how to respond, and his prolonged silence causes her to think that he doesn’t remember, but he remembers that kiss – he remembers it well, since that was his worst birthday by far.
He had just turned thirteen and his mom had had to get her stomach pumped, and despite all the shitty things he'd done to Robbyn, she stayed outside the clinic in the hall to comfort him while her dad was administering CPR. She held his hand and gave him tissues, and as they were talking to keep his mind off of his mother's dangerous alcoholic binge, it came up that Robbyn had never been kissed. After all the kindness she showed him (not to mention her adorable eyes and freckles) he volunteered to be her first kiss. She was taken by such complete surprise that she couldn't do anything but nod her head and let him kiss her, and he held her like glass. This boy who used to pull her hair and push her around touched her so delicately, like he was scared of accidentally breaking her.
The way he held her that night still confuses the hell out of her to this day. They've literally fistfought numerous times since then, but she still thinks back to the time his touch was soft and hesitant, and she can't explain this ache in her chest when she thinks about it, but she knows she misses that tenderness. In all honesty, it was the first time she felt like she could be loved, and she's never been able to make sense of that feeling because it came from her damned bully.
Now she stands at her own door, entering the code to get into her apartment, and he's staring at her, no longer chewing the sweet roll she baked. He doesn’t get this girl. She’s the only gal who’s thought to stick up for him and be nice, but she’s also tough on him and kind of a brat. He’s racking his brain for some kind of witty remark or comeback, but all his sloshed ass can think of is finishing the roll and letting out a small belch.
She scoffs in disgust, then disappears into her dorm – and, if Butch listens very, very closely, he can hear a frustrated growl travel through her living room window.
As he gazes after her, he starts to get overwhelmed by various emotions swimming in all that vodka: anger, confusion, and something…sadder. He doesn’t know what she means to him, but she means a lot, and he’s not sure he’ll ever be ready to tell her.
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(Post despair) AWE JEEZ I am so sorry! I am so so sorry for all that I’m not affiliated with him but I feel miserable on your behalf! If theirs anything I can do within reason I shall do it have a cookie *gives miu and shuichi cookies* I am so sorry about that allow me to introduce myself I am siramay! The showgun dragon I know all about yah from the multiverse! So let me apologize on their behalf and know I know your love is true and wholesome but also a little raunchy…. So…. How’d it happen?
((This is very lore heavy and mucho texto, so apologies for taking so long to answer))
Shuichi:...Well I'm not really sure if we should accept things from a stranger...but you seem friendly for now.
Miu:As to how it happened? Well it all started when Shuichi decided to hang around me while we were trapped in that fucking school, I started showing him my inventions, eventually our relationship progressed to the point I feel about telling him my secret...or what I thought was my secret.
Shuichi:Miu told me she thought she was an augmented human, and then thought of opening herself to check, I didn't hesitate for a second and stopped her before she killed herself, I stopped her and she ran away, she...um...how do I say this...
Miu:I fell in love with Shuichi, I fell hard, harder than...huh, I don't wanna talk about it. The point is I didn't know how to handle it at first and because...well, traumas that I don't know if they're real anymore, so I thought Shuichi was in love with me at first, I didn't understand that he was just being nice, but eventually I calmed down a little. I was still in love with Shuichi but I wanted to get him to fall in love with me first...
Shuichi:I didn't know how to feel at first, though the apprehension I had with Miu was eventually fading away and I was beginning to fall in love with her too, though it's not until later that I realized it.
Miu:I almost made the biggest fuck up of my life by trying to murder Kokichi and then win the class trial, it failed, Kokichi almost turned the tables on me with the help of Gonta, but I managed to escape due to a failsafe I had installed, I couldn't rat him out because I would have been rated out too for trying to kill him...after that we began to notice Kaito was sick, but at the time he kept denying it, we managed to unlock his lab and we got more memories...or what we thought were true memories.
Shuichi:Afterwards Kokichi revealed that Miu had made weapons that we can use to break the road of Despair, Miu was put on the spot for not revealing them sooner but I and a few others defended her by pointing she was afraid that they would use them against her, after things calmed down we decided to finish the road of despair once and for all...I stayed close to Miu at all times to make sure she was all right.
Miu:We managed to get to the end...until we found out that the outside world was a hellhole and basically unlivable, and that ww where on space of all things...or so we thought, and prepare to hear that a lot because to this day I wonder if we're not still under some shitty lie.
Shuichi:Kokichi then "revealed" himself to be the mastermind and that he had Gonta as his "Forced" Partner, they both had used Miu's inventions to murder Monophie and Monotaro without everyone else knowing and then used another invention of her to take control of the exisals, then proceeded to take Kaito hostage to force me to give him the button to enter the hangar, after that he trapped Kaito in the hangar and Miu and I in a classroom, he said he considered us the biggest threats to him...why he looked us two together instead of separate? I don't know but I thank him for that.
Miu:I was honestly depressed and scared as shit, there was nothing in that room which would allow me to make an invention to get us out...and I didn't feel like making anything either, I was just tired of everything and clinged to Shuichi for comfort, we talked and vented over everything and then I...confessed that I planned to kill Kokichi and win the class trial, also that Kokichi tried to kill me in revenge, I thought that if I was gonna die in there, might as well go out with no regrets.
Shuichi:I didn't know how to feel about all that, I mean I should have been mad about it, I was mad about it...but then I remembered Miu had been pushed to this point just like everyone else, I could see she regretted it and didn't want to go through it, after giving it some thought I decided to forgive her for that...and I blurted out my feelings for her.
Miu:I was surprised that Shuichi forgave me after all that...and I was so happy that he liked me back, it was like a ray of hope in this shithole of a situation, so after nearly fu-I mean celebrating our union before realizing it wasn't the best moment, we were wondering what we should do now, before being freed by Maki and that fucking bitch Tsumigi, more on that whore later.
Shuichi:Afterwards they showed us a flashback light which made us think Kokichi was part of the Super High School level Despair...which was not true, but we didn't know this at the time, maybe if we did...well, it doesn't matter now. We formulated a plan to stop Kokichi and free Gonta and Kaito...but at the end it was too late.
Miu:By the time we managed to break through the hangar, someone had died. We didn't know who and by the class trial an exisal arrived that passed itself as either Kokichi, Kaito or Gonta, we had no fucking idea of who it was, not even Monokuma knew which meant we where in an unsolvable class trial...but eventually thanks to my intuition and Shuichi's detective prowess we were able to realize it was Kaito in there, and that Kokichi wasn't the mastermind...and that those three were trying to put an end to the killing game by making an unsolvable murder case and therefore Monokuma couldn't act by his own rules.
Shuichi:I tried to keep the plan alive but Monokuma began catching on and then the exisal pilot revealed itself to be both Kaito and Gonta...I still don't know how they fit in there to this day. But anyways, Kaito admitted he was Kokichi's killer through their mutual plan and Gonta revealed he was helping Kokichi to end the killing game as long as they didn't hurt anybody else...the plan went off the rails with Maki but it was a messy situation for all of them...we wanted to stop the execution but the Monokubs were back with the exisals and then Kaito decides to accept the punishment since he was dying from his sickness, it was painful...but at least he died on his own terms and passed away with his sickness before the execution could finish.
Miu:The execution being butchered ended up Kibo's antenna falling off, then he started to act weird after we were flashed with another flashback light, he asked me to put him every upgrade I could give him, I didn't question why, hell I was all for it. Then Gonta asked me if I could finish the prototypes Kokichi wanted me to make...and I guess because despite all the bad blood between us, he did wanted to stop all this shit and he did have good ideas, so I wanted to honor his memory in a way...oh and then Kibo wanted to destroy everything.
Shuichi:Kibo believed that place was too filled with Despair to exist, so he wanted to destroy it even with us on it. However with Miu's help I was able to convince him that the killing game was being televised with the presence of the Nanokubs, afterwards I asked him for time while we investigated, which he gave us until down and then proceeded to rip apart the Exisals and anything that stood in his part with his new upgrades...we ended up finding out several things.
Miu:One:Kokichi wasn't part of Super High School Level Despair, D.I.C.E. was just a harmless gang. Two:the true history of Hope's Peak which goes against what the flashback lights showed us. Three:Rantaro had participated in a killing game before and he was the Super High School Level Survivor. Four:A hidden room with a lot of interesting shit that put the first class trial on a new light and also the thing that shitted out Monokuma's:Motherkuma and fifth:The Flashback lights were manufactured in a secret room and you can choose what they show you, so those motherfucking things just were made to lie to us...oh and the room had a secret entrance through the the girl's bathroom.
Shuichi:I demanded a re-trial of the first class trial we had, Monokuma accepted only if we removed the upgrades from Kibo, Miu and Kibo managed to trick them into thinking Miu could deactivate them at will when he just hid them, they also put the antenna back on him...In the class trial I proved Kaede failed her murder attempt and that the mastermind was the true culprit...I was angry, if you could no doubt tell. Not only was one of my closest friends murdered even though she was innocent, it proved all of this was a sham even by their own rules...and then I pointed out the true culprit...
Miu:That ugly, disgusting, liar, plagiarist, fat, four eyed cunt Tsumigi. The bitch tried to pass it off as Junko being the true mastermind, which seems believable at first because I got to know that bitch after this mess...except she was fucking defeated and retired, plus they got everyone watching her ass so there's no way she could pull the same shit without the element of surprise and the help she got the first time. Then she tried to mess with our minds saying that was all fake, that we were just fictional, that we signed up for this...spoiler warning:It was all lies, this bitch doesn't know how to say anything that isn't spewing lies. I guess she was saying the truth with Kibo being the audience surrogate, but even then he was able to rebel outside of that.
Shuichi:After giving us the choice of Despair or "Hope" and many arguments, I came to the conclusion that both choice sucked and the proper way to end all of it was not voting and giving the audience a ending they hate to end the "Killing Game Franchise", everyone thought it was crazy at first.
Miu:And it was.
Shuichi:It was, but I refused to let us be played around any longer by those people...in the end my plan worked, the Killing Games ended for good, Kibo sacrificed himself to destroy the academy with Tsumigi in there and we managed to escape, we began to think what to do next after all that and we decided to stick together to find out that and if Tsumigi was lying about what she said...and you probably saw this coming, she was, the events of Hope's Peak Academy and Jabberwock island did happen, because later on we ended up meeting with Makoto, Junko, Hajime and Natsumi who explained to us Team Danganronpa were fanatics of the killing game and hated that she retired after it.
Miu:So they gave us a home and something to do with our lives, we eventually started this blog...and here we are.
Shuichi:So our love story was uh...not exactly normal you can see...but I forever be glad that I met Miu.
Miu:And I always be grateful that I met Shuichi, even in that mess.
#Danganronpa#DR#Ask Ahoges & Blondes#AU:Post-Despair#Shuichi Saihara#Miu Iruma#Sairuma#Mucho Texto#Lore Dump#This is feels awkward to me#If I ommited some details assume it's the same as in the game
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*flails hands of warning* I am being depressing here!!! Fatalistic even! I'm trying to words why I'm enjoying this less than other murder minecraft! I'm talking about concerns I have! Please don't read if this is going to upset you!!! Or if you wanna fight! I'm just hashing out my thoughts!!! Because I can't go back to watch and enjoy and chill until I've been through with them! Gotta pour salt on the ground before I can fill the bottle up with sugar! This is only me talking shit not me talking about bits I've liked which have absolutely existed and if I was having no fun I'd just turn the ducking streams off and not come back! It's just morning and I hurt anx so I'm grumpy!
tbh my biggest concern with purgatory is the knock on effects after it for ccs who genuinely seem not to be having fun. Like they can just not play more, but IC bridges are still burnt (often with OC friends which is miserable to play long term), and like... I'm not actually sure how long Etoiles even if he drops now could still enjoy stuff if q!phil still has issue with q!etoiles after. And I'm pretty sure at least some of them would back off to let those who did have fun continue trajectories it sent them on, and I would miss them?
And it sucks because I know there is fun to be had here, but it's not to everyone's tastes? And it's the people who aren't or weren't having fun who get the biggest consequences after? Because it's an RP reward for a PvP event?
I guess the biggest part of my problem and why I keep thinking there has to be an around or loophole for the eggs it is because it's an rp reward for a mechanics event? And yes all has some rp and some mechanics, but the eggs are most valued as characters at this point. And the fact it's an rp reward means people not having fun are going to have a much harder time stepping away from it.
I'm also concerned about people (red) logging in as much as they are. Because they do not log in that often normally and it's going to burn some of them out.
Idk I want to have fun and I enjoy bloodbaths, but the stakes feel wonky and it's really hard when the people on at my timezome either aren't having fun, are bitching about it, or have potential massive knock on consequences.
If they lose their eggs to this, Fit and Phil are going to be unwatchable. I already can't manage Tubbo. If Fit is miserable Pac is miserable, if Pac is miserable Mike is miserable. For most of the streams I remember it's just those guys hanging out with their eggs. Which we havent had for a while and honestly I kinda enjoy seeing less of them but for the angst because it opens more options, but imagine how fucking intolerable Fit and Phil are going to be near each other if only one of them's egg/s survive? Because the other one did something? Theyd both understand but theyd both be /awful/. Add in that Etoiles is rifted with Phil and oh look theres everything that regularly happens for the PoV that best matches my schedule gone (I enjoy Tazercraft more, but Phil has my exact schedule, so I tend to follow him because no language barrier and I don't miss bits of development for him)
And I know the stakes are the same for everyone, but they're not? Pomme and Richas are basically safe, which covers other morning hours. And Leo and Dapper are also in massive danger, but I don't watch that late normally, so it's less of a concern for me personally?
It's why I have to tell myself the reward isn't the reward, because if it is, everything gets shifted in directions I am not interested in seeing.
Now I think I wonder if part of the reason Phil is depressing to watch is that he's run the same numbers I have, from the same assumption of you can save 4/7 eggs if you win, and realised he can't save both Chayanne and Tallulah even if he wins. Which yeah he has the overthrow the eye thought he did actually share with someone this session but we keep being told it's pure PvP by like Quackity. Which. Tbh pure PvP leads me towards either there is no cursed team or the cursed team is only defined after the fact because??? The stakes??? In terms of reward one team losing is clearly worse???
I also as an aside think it'd really help if the admins were open with the players about how the mechanics work, and had been open in advance about the exact timescale. No hate to them, they obviously want secrets and surprises, but I'm sure Cellbit would be less annoyed if he'd known 2 weeks not like 4 days so he didnt plan and commit as hard to a specific arc plots for himself, or if its had been suggested to wait until after to start something big, and Etoiles would be happier if he could see how scoring worked and knew how shit was assembled so he could more accurate judge what is fair. Shit like beds not working as respawn points and if armour actually is not giving defence should absolutely have been told in advance, though, and to everyone. Admins are new to PvP running so entirely understandable and theres obviously so much work gone into it and they want this to go well and people to have fun, but its misery.
Also splitting people from their friends was obviously intentional but is absolutely contributing to people feeling miserable. Both the ccs who are and the watchers.
Pulling back to morning hours again where dynamics are a huge part (I assume later streamers too but I know these)... Tazercraft are split (potentially interesting but I really really hope they played this in advance especially given how little Mike can get on atm and that they /stream together/ when time allows), and Phil has nobody who shares his stream times and he regularly spends time with on his team (which when we account for afterwards and knock on effects... ow, because people arent going to long term adjust their schedules over this or at least shouldn't). Fit and Pac are managing to still be cute, but can they sustain it over this divide? Tubbo and Fit were already on shaky grounds and this will make them worse. Mike is barely here because life.
Lose any eggs and have the tension from it split up morning hours and honestly I'd rather Phil just streamed hardcore a while because then at least its solo player isolated not cut yourself from your friends and loved ones over a BS AI making you betray each other for what you thought was the sake of your children.
After the first day where I watched Missa farming stream I've only really watched red and green, but blues spawn fucking sucks and is misery itself.
I am begging for team back up hours sometime, but the more Quackity talks the less I expect it.
But, really, my biggest problem is the streamers I enjoy or at least their characters are fucking miserable, when I try change PoV its still miserable, and as far as I can tell they're going to continue being miserable once the event is over.
#qsmp neg#fandom neg#I am just bitching I know this is what I'm doing shhh#Let me get the salt out so I can enjoy it again later#Also I dont want plot deathed eggs because we've already had 2 months of grief arc from their parents#And I dont want shit to just keep getting worse#There needs to be a win and a break /sometime/#Genuinely want green to get a win#And for red to throw#Just for today#Like istg guys if the cursed thing is real you need to keep the teams balanced for a bit
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* ♪ – i need somebody
( cw: depression )
joomi has been training by himself lately.
he's doing everything by himself lately, really. next gen is consuming the lives of just about everyone close to him, and there's nothing he can do about it. it would make sense for him to reach out to others, and build relationships with friends he didn't spend much time with – but that's not what he does.
instead, he shuts down; returns to old habits, starts believing that maybe he was right when he was a kid and that he really is the only person he'll ever really have. he knows it's dramatic. he knows it's pathetic. he's been dramatic and pathetic for months now. the loss of training alongside his best friends is just the final straw after all of the building weight he's been carrying, and he is breaking.
maybe that's why he keeps to himself, too. he doesn't want to subject anyone to how miserable he feels; he doesn't want to humiliate himself around anyone else by being so fucking pitiful. besides, the only person he really has to train with is jinyoung, and he doesn't really have him. not like he used to. not like he needs to, or feels like he needs to. he doesn't really, though. he knows he doesn't need to, that he has no right to. god, he fucking knows.
i'm so sick of this.
that's his main thought, as he sits curled up in the corner of the room he, ren, and dohyun usually work in together. he can't even write now – not anything other than the words he wishes he could tell jinyoung but doesn't know how to say yet. he filled a whole notebook of them already: confessions, admissions, accusations, petitions. nothing useful for a half-decent song.
he still feels so stupid for all of it, but he thinks of sua, sometimes, frowning at him and saying stop calling it stupid. he's tried to think it less since then. he wonders sometimes, if his feelings make sense; if anyone in his position would feel the same way – if there's anyone who can live like this and live happily.
most of the time he thinks it's just him.
he stares listlessly at the wall across from him for what may be hours, until he eventually flops onto his side and lays on the floor, still tucked away. he doesn't know if the custodial staff will wake him and tell him to leave if he falls asleep here. he doesn't know if ren or dohyun will come. he doesn't know if he wants them to.
@renxbe *
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Okay so I'm usually very comfortable and very relieved to be aroace. But sometimes, the repeated invalidation wears on me. And then I end up going through the whole questioning phase AGAIN so I just needed to get some things off my chest.
I hate when I share my experience as an aspec person, even within the community, and someone always has to pipe up with, "Oh, I thought I was a late bloomer too. Until I met someone and now I don't feel that way anymore."
Listen. And I mean this with all my heart: kindly shut the fuck up.
Unless someone is seeking relationship advice, don't say that shit. It's condescending and invalidating.
It also puts me right back into the questioning cycle all over again and I'm really, really tired of revisiting that phase for the hundredth time. It took me YEARS of research and questioning and denial before I finally felt comfortable saying that I was aroace and non-partnering.
Then someone has to come along and say, "You'll change your mind!" in some flavor or another.
And I'm spinning out again.
Am I really aroace?
What if I'm just picky?
Maybe I'm a really unlikeable person and no one wants me.
What if it's just generational trauma holding me back? What if it's social anxiety messing everything up?
Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe I need to date, even though I have no desire to do so. But other people seem to know what's best for me, right???
I'm tired of people telling me that my value and my happiness hinges on someone else. No matter which way you look at it. If I don't rabidly hunt down a romantic partner, then I better have a QPR. If I don't have a QPR, then I better have some really good friends.
NO. I. do not. feel fulfilled. with. people. End of story. I've lived for over thirty years on this planet and I've never experienced a very close personal connection with someone. AND THAT'S FINE. I'm tired of being told that I have to do everything in my goddamn power to change that because I can't POSSIBLY be happy on my own!!!!
You know what does make me very unhappy??? When I'm told that I'm inferior or screwed up because I don't have someone to validate my existence as a human being. As if my life has no meaning until someone, somewhere, in this big wide world, sees me and says, "You have worth because I said so."
When I was growing up, my parents told me to act more like my brother so people would like me. They pressured me to be someone I'm not because prioritizing other people's favor was more important than valuing myself.
I'm tired of waiting for someone to notice me. I'm tired of putting my life on hold, waiting and waiting and waiting for some "magical person" to make my life amazing and allegedly bring me happiness.
You know what that does? It makes me miserable. It makes me depressed. Every year that passes and I remain solo, I wonder, "What's wrong with me? Am I unloveable? Why does everyone else have a special person but I don't?"
If you met someone who changed your view of the world, good for you. But there are times where you should keep it to yourself, rather than bragging about how your relationship made your life so amazing.
And DO NOT get me started on, "Oh, your forever person will find you when you stop looking and when you least expect it."
Bullshit. Once again, implying that my worth and happiness as a human being hinges on someone else. Once again implying that EVERYONE will partner up eventually because YOU can't seem to fathom anything differently. Because it makes YOU uncomfortable to think that *I* do not have a partner which challenges your viewpoint so you try to MAKE IT FIT by saying, "You will change to suit me and what I believe."
Just leave people alone.
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how my depression was getting in the way of my manifestations
im back
firstly i will say that contrary to the title, depression or any other mental illness/disorder/problem can't stop you from manifesting unless you say so. that being said, i do feel like the topic of it is mostly swept under the rug on loa tumblr.
the most breath taking eye catching thing about manifesting is obviously that fact that you can have whatever you want. a key to utmost happiness. who wouldn't want that? it is everything the human mind is capable to comprehend, handed to you on a silver platter. despite how glorious it sounds, this does have a downside.
as someone dealing with depression, my days are mostly terrible, terrible being a weak word. there are ups and downs of course, but it's mostly just the downs. when i was a kid unaware of my ability to manifest, i would make up many different things that would make me feel less miserable, and i still do, to this day. however, now i know i have the full potential to bring those things to life. everything i've ever wanted can be mine in the blink of an eye.
yet, to this day, i have manifested none of them. i stick to "small", trivial things to manifest. after a series of complaining, crying and wondering why the fuck i can't just bring those things to life, i realized i was sabotaging myself the whole time. each time i put my mind to manifesting one of my biggest desires, i was able to make up a perfect excuse not to do it. it was either the wrong time to do it, i wanted to wait until school was over to focus on it, i had other things to do etc.
lets be real, it's incredibly stupid to do so. i am one step away from having anything and still, i push it away. one step away from feeling just a bit better. now here's where the issue comes in. i am afraid. afraid of failure, change and many other things of course, but mostly, i'm afraid that after i will have manifested all these desires, i will still feel the same. it's haunting me, the idea of having everything i could ever want, and still being empty and miserable. that would mean that i am unfixable and there's no way to help that. i think you can imagine how terrible that would feel. it would be my biggest, final failure. if the all in one fix that manifesting is wasn't able to make me feel better, what will?
that's why i never even tried to actually manifest what i truly wanted. i just accepted some watered down version of it. it didn't make me happy, but it was safe.
im in the middle of writing the post and no idea where im going with it or what conclusion do i want to make. regardless, i want to say that even though manifesting, or rather the idea of having it all is intimidating and terrifying, it is very much possible and most importantly, safe. and if you want it to feel amazing, it will, despite the scary thoughts your mind is suggesting. sometimes, the mind just can't be trusted, especially an ill one, and that is ok. because the power you hold doesn't give a shit about its doubts or fears, thankfully. that being said, just trust your power, for it is the only thing in this world that can be truly trusted.
i hope this makes sense, even if just a little bit.
#mental diet#law of assumption#neville goddard#loa#manifestation#manifesting#law of attraction#self concept#lawofassumption#lawofattraction#manifest
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I think my life might be a tragedy and maybe accepting that instead of waiting for the plot twist might be the only thing I can do to access some tiny bit of relief. Like if I could stop being so shocked or surprised when things go wrong or when people die, that'd be better. Because the spiraling anxiety that comes from trying to get past denial and shock is maybe the worst part. I keep realizing over and over again that this is my life, these are the things that have happened, but before I get any further, my brain is like, "WHAT? WHY? NO. THAT'S NOT REAL. THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE. WHY IS THAT OUR LIFE. I DON'T LIKE IT. IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. IT'S ALSO A BAD STORY. SO LIKE, DEFINITELY PROBABLY NOT REAL. WHAT? NO. THIS CAN'T BE." But it is! So then I'm crushed with the reality of my grief over and over again. Which leads me to constantly search for why, what could I have done, what did this to my family, what causes this, what do these tragedies mean, is there something to learn from them, are these things preventable, who or what is responsible for this pain, why should I carry this pain, why shouldn't I give up, does it make a difference, even if it does, is it fair to put myself through not giving up after all that I've had to endure, why do I want any of this to mean anything anyway, why do I care, why should I care, haven't I cared enough already, haven't I earned some rest, is there such a thing
These are not really unanswerable questions. Just they're the kind of questions that require you to make up your own answers. So maybe not unanswerable, but certainly maddening. I've reevaluated my perspectives and beliefs and ideals and behaviors over and over again, and it is a tiresome process, and I think it makes you a little crazy, to fully accept and embrace that truth is subjective, reality is by our own design, and there's no such thing as a fixed and stable identity. To repeatedly engage with the notion that who you are is everchanging is only freeing half the time, and the other half, it drives you mad. Because who am I? Who am I to decide truth and lie, real and not, fact and fiction? But on the other hand, who the fuck is anybody else that says they can decide for me? It's a stupid feeling to realize that you want simple, universal truths, and at the same time, realize that you'd rebel against anyone who claimed to know what those are.
Not only that, but let's say I accept that I get to make these choices for myself in what I believe about the world and myself, okay so where do I start? Something has to be the base, the foundation, doesn't it? So what's first in my understanding of myself? And if how I understand myself is connected to how I understand other human beings and other beings in general, then what's first should be something that is true for all of us, maybe? Or do I even believe that? Do I believe myself to be something separate? Do I even believe other beings are real? What is my definition of real? Something like me? Something that I can see? Something I didn't make up in my mind? Okay, well if that's true, then nothing I decide about anything is real. Maybe realness is irrelevant. Maybe it doesn't matter if it's real or not, maybe it only matters if you can feel it.
You see my dilemma? Or our dilemma, that is, since I think I believe that we're all faced with these questions... or maybe we're not, and what I see as universal questions is as dumb as I think universal truths are. If someone isn't struggling with these doubts, then I hope they ignore me because this is miserable. Which is funny because I wouldn't want to live another way without these questions. I seem to take pride in my curiosity and my wonder, despite how much it depresses me. I wonder if that's some dumb part of my brain holding onto the idea that madness is brilliance, too afraid to know who I could be without these thoughts. Would I be as smart and special and creative? Am I really so smart and special and creative now? How smart and special and creative am I if I can't come up with a way to engage with these ideas without feeling like shit?
Sometimes I don't know where I'm going or what I'm getting at, you know? It's just there's something trying to get out of me or there's something I'm digging at... But I feel like how I imagine a dog feels when they're digging a hole, like, "IDK MAN, BUT I GOTTA, JUST, THERE'S SOMETHING, IDK, IMPORTANT, IT'S DOWN HERE, JUST FUCKING DIG, MAN, WE'LL GET THERE" but there's nothing, just more earth, more dirt and bugs and rocks and maybe other stuff, but if you're digging and you don't know why, how will you recognize what you're looking for? If it could be anything, why not let it be anything? Why not let it be the digging itself that's the point, and when you get bored or tired or sad or hungry or frustrated or lonely or pissed off, just go take a nap or do something else for a while and feel content with the effort? Could I choose that? Am I really getting to choose anything I believe if I have to keep convincing myself of what I believe?
It's going to be such a long life...
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Sorry to hear about your therapist and also thank you. In the mind of another suffering from similar problems I relate to a lot of why therapy is triggering and somewhat unhelpful at times because you KNOW why your there and have cycled through all the possible realities/possibilities of how you got there and how you continue to stay in certain headspaces etc and now your face-to-face with the so-called end all be all of crying out for help and a chance at sanity. It is all quite dramatic but what avoidant brain deems it isn’t? Anywayssss I wanted to ask if you’ve heard or thought about other types of therapy that aren’t just speaking and talking and trying to “feel” and logically move around your own mental barriers like somatic therapy? Shit that brings you back to the beginning when other feels than worthlessness, emptiness, loneliness, depression, etc settled in that are now quite snug in your psyche yk. I’ve heard it helps for the ~selfaware~.
Yeah, unfortunately I noticed that therapy isn't helping much by itself, and I tried 3 different approaches of talking therapy to try treating AvPD (including group therapy twice) and what I noticed was like... how do I even put this? The symptoms got worse over time???
I first noticed something was very, very wrong with me during group therapy actually! I researched some and found about Avoidant PD.
I'm pretty sure I'm really resistant to any kind of behaviour/cognitive approach because, without external feedback, it makes sense that my brain is just like "whatever, shit's fucked anyway" and I get stuck. The external feedback I get from therapy is not a substitute to relationships outside of a treatment setting so... yeah, sure, therapy will help me get to the point where I'm able to establish these other relationships except it's making things worse for the moment.
I'd love to try different treatments and therapy approaches, I've heard hypnosis can be a good one, same with EMDR too. They might not work for AvPD itself, but at this point anything goes to be honest.
You know that phrase "ignorance is bliss"? That is very much true! The more I became self-aware, the more I researched, the more I tried to look for answers and solutions; the more miserable and desperate I became, the harder it got to get out of my head, to the point where I feel like I really can't escape. I'm sure that also makes treatment much harder and with higher chances of not working for me, but it is what it is.
It's funny that you mention Somatic Therapy because in my life, I already do many things with my body, a lot of my hobbies include physical activities and yes, they work, they're things I'm passionate about and they also help me cope. I wonder how that would go in a therapy setting.
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I'm really, really tired of things happening. I cannot overstate this enough. Genuinely. I don't really wanna dump shit on anyone so. Rant below just to get it off my chest.
My car fucked up. Mom drove my car despite being fucked up because she didn't want to have to carpool and it died entirely! Had to go pick her and the kids up and wait two hours (two!!) for AAA to actually get a tow truck there. Who knows how much that'll be! Gonna have to go with my mom to work and drive back home (an hour) pick the kids up from school (an hour) and then pick my mom up after work (an hour) for however long it takes my car to get fixed. If it can be fixed. And we can afford it. Idk bc the garage never called us like they were supposed to about it but we drove by after I picked my mom up and it was there.
Have to go to court this week to protest my fucking ticket for "not wearing a seatbelt" when I fucking WAS and the cop just lied to my face and made up a reason to ticket me. It's only $25 if they don't clear it but fuck off.
Both my grandparents have covid. Started showing symptoms on their birthday. High risk with heart issues. Seems mild but I'm stressed about it and my grandmother still has a huge fucking skin cancer spot on her leg. Doctors just told them to drink tea and sleep sitting up lmao
Seasonal depression is hitting like a fucking truck, vitamin D and antidepressants be damned. Miserable and anxious as hell all the time. I miss the fucking sun. I don't want it to be dark at fucking 5pm.
Having my fucking period for the third time in roughly a month's worth of days (so basically every other week). Like, I wonder why I'm fucking exhausted every fucking day of every fucking week when my body is doing this to me (thanks, covid!)
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Bit of an open letter because I need to vent but I don't wanna be an asshole to the people I see doing this. I genuinely just think they're a tad ignorant, if willfully in some cases. At this point it feels a little personal, even if it isn't, but the reality is that I know for a fact that I'm not alone in feeling like this, and that this specific attitude is dogshit to a lot of people who won't say anything because it's impossible to be listened to here by some of these supposed mental health advocates. Not generalising, but some of ya'll are fucking rude.
So let me start by saying that the schizoid traits aren't kicking my ass today, but people's encroaching expectations absolutely are. Like, the boredom, and the split, and the inability to do shit, and the lack of wanting to do do anything, and the wondering if it's even worth it - that's bad enough. Then I start getting bombarded with stuff that's encouraging towards people with similar feelings but that are coming from a different place, experiences that (no matter how well-meaningly they're presented) I cannot relate to, and then some people insist I just have to try harder and keep my mouth shut because my point of view would be discouraging to others. Which means that I cannot talk about my experiences without someone labelling me as some kind of doomer. All of that kind of sucks. I didn't even ask to be a part of the conversation and you already vetoed me. Sure, we can make our own posts, that's not a problem. The problem started you guys preemptively insulted people like and telling us that we're wrong and that we can be like everyone else if we try hard enough. While I can't speak for everyone here, the reality is that they can't expect me to change my whole personality because the fact that some things DO NOT GET BETTER and in fact might get WORSE WITH AGE makes them uncomfortable, even when it's blatantly obvious that it's not their case and that it's just my experience. Why are you so defensive? I'm probably more fragile than you (likely the reason why I'm reflexively dissociated all the time actually.)
Look, I'm not gonna pretend I know what's going on in your head, but if you're so for mental-health advocacy, could you try to avoid friendly fire?
But no, sure, let's make fun of how miserable I must be because of my attitude, even though I wasn't even feeling strongly at all about any of it until you decided to call me a loser for things that were never in my hands to control, why not. Like bro, I'm not even sad, not even angry. Those are strong words, mate. I just think you're an annoying lump of fuck and I don't wanna hear you say another thing ever again. I get that you feel annoyed at the "sad fucks" who don't get better. We're not precisely ecstatic about it either. But the point is: how are you helping? Do you really want to help? Or do you stop at major depression and anything a little more obscure than that is something you can and will punch down to?
Do you hear yourself calling us crazy, lazy, and stupid, or does all the psychology lingo make you feel so smart about it that you don't want to?
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