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joelswritingmistress · 21 hours

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Camp Crystal Lake: Chapter 11

Requested by @yellowjacketsbuzzbuzz

Joel Miller x f!reader (romance/horror)

Setting: Camp Crystal Lake

The reader is taking on the position of a camp counselor at the infamous Camp Crystal Lake. While she begins to enjoy her summer, even crushing on the camp director Joel, a killer lurks in the woods unbeknownst to anyone.

I couldn't remain in the cabin with all the commotion going on outside. I already heard Joel addressing the situation as I got myself together and hurried out the door, reaching for a paint brush as a prop for good measure.

Ralph stood there in the same clothes I'd seen him in the other day, gripping the rusted handles of his bicycle as he glared at Joel.

“I told the others!” The old man said, “They didn't believe me. Don't you care about your people here?” Ralph’s glare doubled down, “You're doomed! You're all doomed!”

“You can't keep doing this,” Joel said to him. “I'm going to have to call the sheriff the next time-”

“There won't be a next time!” He motioned with a crooked, boney finger. “Not if you stay!”

“Alright.” Joel removed the cell phone from his pocket and began to dial, though Ralph quickly hopped on his bike and struggled to take off into the woods - again.

“What's with this guy?” I grumbled, looking at Joel first and then to Sandra who leaned an arm on Jeff’s shoulder.

“He's a real prophet of doom,” Jeff said, smirking as he shook his head.

“And the cops hauled us in.” Sandra rolled her eyes. “But not that creep.”

“I'll call up the local department and let them know he's been hanging around,” Joel assured all of us. He wiggled his iPhone and nodded, “Let's get back to work.”

My eyes met Joel's and we shared a subtle smile before returning to the cabin. When I went to dive back in, his lips met mine but he pulled back and rested his hands on my waist. A lazy grin lingered on his face.

“Why don't we agree to meet back here after dinner tonight?” Joel suggested, “We can have a little privacy. I should probably be keeping a closer eye on things, anyway.”

“That's fair.” I nodded closed my eyes when he pressed his lips against mine again. I giggled when he playfully kissed down my neck and then back to my lips.

“I'm giving people one last night on the town, so maybe we can have a few drinks, I'll come back and make my rounds and then we could agree to ten o'clock?”

“I'll be here at 9:45.”

Joel chuckled and pecked my lips again. “Alright. I'm going to chase down Ralph and call it in, then I'll be back to help you paint.”

When three o'clock rolled around I felt the muscles aching in my sunburned arms. “No wonder Mr. Myagi had the Karate Kid painting all the time,” I said when I met up with Sandra down by the lake. We both stripped off our t-shirts, sporting bathing suits beneath them. “That was an arm workout.”

Sandra tossed her shirt and did some arm circles, shrugging her shoulders each time she did. “You're telling me. I'm wiped out.” She hurried onto the dock ahead of me and began a tiptoed jog down the length of it before diving into the cool water.

I trailed my new friend, following her lead as I, too, didn't waste time jumping into the lake. Mine was more of a pencil dive.

“I'm joining you!” I heard Teri call out when I resurfaced. She ditched her shorts and tank top on the beach sand to reveal her tye-dye bikini and came sprinting down the dock. Her petite body managed a giant cannon ball, causing Sandra and I to laugh when water splashed over us.

“Perfect 10!” Sandra shouted.

The boys joined in soon after, leaving Vicki and Mark at the edge of the lake where she doused his broad shoulders with lake water. He didn't seem to mind as their flirtation continued.

My heart ached for Joel, even though I was having plenty of fun splashing around in the water with everyone. When he finally appeared through the trees, a heat rose in my chest.

“Coming in?” Scott asked when Joel made his way down the dock.

“Not right now.” Joel grinned and put his hands on his hips.

“Forget your Speedo?” Ted asked.

“I have my pink one on under these,” Joel teased back, toying with the fabric on his cargo shorts. I giggled along with the rest of them.

“No, I'm actually here to let you know that if you'd like one more night on the town, tonight's the night; at least until mid summer when we have a week break to prepare for the second session.”

“A night out, I'm in!” Sandra said right away.

Jeff slicked back his hair, “I'm in, too. What kind of nightlife does this town have?”

“A couple dive bars,” I told him with a laugh.

“There is that place on the water on the opposite side of the lake.”

“The Casino Bar?” I asked.

“You have a casino here?” Sandra asked.

“Not quite,” I said with a laugh, “That's just the name of it.”

“It's a semi dive,” Joel said with a laugh. “Good views though.”

“I'm in,” Sandra repeated.

Teri scrunched her nose, “As much as I might regret it, I'm exhausted. I think I'm going to stay back and get to bed early.”

Scott pretended to yawn, “I'm sorta tired myself.” He smiled at the still-uninterested Teri, “Think I'll stick around, too.”

“I'm going,” Ted raised his hand.

“You driving?” Joel joked.

“Ehhhh…” He made a face.

“Mark?” Vicki turned to him and smiled, “Do you want to go?”

He made a face. “Nothing spoils a party faster than a drunk in a wheelchair.”

“That's crap.” She shook her head, “I'll take care of you. We can go together.”

“I think I'd rather stay in.”

She wore a little grin, “Would you mind my company?”

Mark smiled back. “I wouldn't mind at all.”

“(Y/N)?” Joel looked right at me.

“Yeah, sounds like fun.”

“Okay, then it's settled.”

Ted cleared his throat, “I think our wanderers should drive us.” He motioned to Jeff and Sandra, “They caused the uproar over here with the cops, and-”

Jeff swam a few feet over and dunked him under the water. When Ted came back up for air he never opened his eyes but continued trying to make his point about Jeff driving. Jeff dunked him again.

I couldn't help but laugh. This group felt like they were my people. I had only been around them for a short time but we all seemed to click.

“What time, boss?” Jeff asked, finally letting go of Ted.

“You want to leave here around seven?”

“Early bird special,” Ted continued to tease him, “The old man gets tired around nine.”

“Seven is fine!” Sandra shouted over him.

“Don't make me change my mind,” Joel shot back with a lopsided grin, pointing at Ted.

“Teddy!” Sandra shouted and Jeff dunked him again.

I looked up at Joel and he gave a wink, mouthing the words, “Ten o'clock,” and holding up all ten fingers.

I smirked and nodded before he bid everyone a temporary farewell and headed back through the trees towards the main cabin.

@gissellec1 @cattt777 @mellymbee @armybts20137 @bbiophiliaa @littleblackcatinwonderland @mermaidgirl30 @brittmb115 @yellowjacketsbuzzbuzz @beltzboys2015-blog blog @lwfics @pedropascal111 @mellymbee @itscatrodriguez-thepearl

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baejax-the-great · 1 day

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Archive-locking the fics that YOU WROTE and are thus 100% yours to decide what to do with 'hurting people' is so silly tbh. Skill issue on their part. Wish those people could be normal about the amazing fics that writers like you put out & be understanding or at the very least respectful of the choices that writers make about how and where they make their fics available. Especially in light of recent ai training theft and nonsense & all that.

I hope this doesn't sour the fic writing & sharing experience for you too much. I love your writing & think you're very talented & skilled!

There seem to be dual attitudes I'm coming up against recently (and obviously these are not held by everyone, I don't even know that they are held by a majority, but they are certainly held by a plurality).

The first is that authors should be grateful that readers deign to read what they put out there. I think this stems from the "content creation" mentality and the idea that everyone who posts things wants as massive as an audience as possible (for monetization purposes which... isn't a thing in fanfic). I think this mindset also leads to readers demanding that people write specific tropes/pairings/whatever, or threatening basically to take their business elsewhere. "Nobody will read unless you do [X]." 1. Not true and 2. Okay, you weren't my audience.

(I also think authors circulating those posts about how badly they want comments/kudos feeds this mentality of readers doing authors a favor by even clicking on the fic. "Wow, if people are so desperate for attention, then mine must be worth an awful lot!")

Fanfic ain't a business, and I write for myself. Readers choosing to read my work isn't a privilege or an honor they are bestowing upon me (nor are comments for that matter), just as me posting my writing where they can see it isn't a privilege or an honor for them. We are both engaging in hobbies and a love of some media, and sometimes we will overlap and connect and sometimes we won't. Readers aren't reading out of altruism for attention-starved authors, and authors aren't writing out of altruism for content-hungry readers.

And there are those who will read these paragraphs above and think to themselves "wow, what an ungrateful author," and that's exactly the attitude I'm talking about. Don't get me wrong, it's delightful and rewarding to receive comments on fics and chat with people about Blorbo and the Situations. But it should be delightful from both sides of the exchange, or why the hell are we doing this? If I'm meant to be grateful for every commenter who jumps into my inbox, then every commenter in my inbox better be grateful for me, and I can tell you right now there is a population who is not. There is a population who sees me as a service provider for their entertainment, and whatever form I take in their brain, it is not shaped like a full person.

This attitude also leads to people thinking that things like lorefm are no big deal. Don't I want to get my work in front of more eyeballs (or ears)? Don't I want to broaden my audience? And once I put my work out there for readers to see, should I be shocked (or express any negative emotions at all) when someone plagiarizes/scrapes it for AI/demands updates rudely/reads it on a monetized youtube channel/binds it and sells it for profit?

The other idea I've been coming up against is almost the opposite of this--that because some readers form attachments to fic, deleting that fic (or even archive-locking it!) is actively harming those readers. Sure, they can't be bothered to hit the download button or get an AO3 account, but that's no reason not to think of these strangers first before doing what I want with my creative output.

Yall, life is ephemeral. There are things we will see and enjoy and never find again for one reason or another, and it's not harm being done to us, it's just the nature of existence. Having an emotional reaction to something does not give you any sort of ownership over that thing. Artists are allowed to change their minds about whether they want that art in the wild, particularly given that it's free. Maybe it's because I utilize the library a lot, but reading a book and then losing access to that book is not a crime against you, it's just a normal thing that happens. If you read something and it means that much to you, there are ways to avoid losing it (download it).

Seeing this particular attitude extend out to "not making your fic available for as many people to read as possible is harming them" is beyond bizarre. If I woke up tomorrow and deleted everything I have ever written, there would still be thousands upon thousands upon thousands of beautiful, emotional, meaningful fics out there for people to read. They would lack for nothing. Would some people be upset? Probably. Would I be hurting them? No, not really.

Sometimes people have negative emotions because of our actions, but that doesn't mean we did anything to them. This is one of those times.

Lastly, this AI and everything else bullshit really has taken a toll on my enthusiasm for posting my work. It's one thing for companies to try to pillage every thought, every word, every stroke of a pen or paintbrush to enrich themselves while actively making the planet an unbearable and inhospitable place to live, it's another when fellow fans are telling you that "Whelp that's just life, what did you expect, give us your content anyway or you're a bad person and if you complain, then I'll be taking my business elsewhere, you sensitive, entitled creative, lol."

#because here's the thing #it just stops being fun #and fun is the reason I (and hopefully all of us) started writing in the first place #if I wanted to cater to people whose tastes aren't mine #I would be trying to woo the taylor swift fans who control the publishing industry #and don't get me wrong the people on AO3 who interact with my stuff rule #Particularly patrochilles fans like that group of people has given me the best writing experience of anyone #and I don't want to let some idiotic exchanges ruin the joy I get from writing #but it feels like it's coming from all sides this year #I do think everyone would benefit if we all remembered that author-reader interactions are just two strangers attempting to communicate #sometimes good sometimes awkward sometimes wires get crossed sometimes cultures clash most often it's just small talk

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needtotouchsomegrass · 2 days

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Levi x Reader | Office au | smut | tw: 18+

Word count: 3k +

What would you do if you’re cold hearted, hot boss would walk in on you while playing with yourself in the office?……

tw: smut | sex | office sex | praising

It’s another Monday night at the office. I’m working late to make sure I’ll able to hand in that one sports article by midnight. All of my friends and colleagues have left already to be with their families and friends.

No one’s waiting for me, so I can definitely pull a night shift. Won’t be able to push this article further anyways. Boss would get super mad.

I sigh rubbing my temples. It’s only 09:35pm and I still got about 2000 words to write. Ugh. I hate this job - I don’t - I hate the fact that I procrastinate until I’m so stressed out I don’t get anything done.

I sigh again feeling the wetness between my legs. I have been sitting here all day. My thighs rubbing against each other.

It’s been some time since I’ve slept with someone. After my stupider ex fiancé left me for someone half my age I haven’t felt the confidence to go out and meet new people.

I’m too old for that anyways. Turning 35 in October means it’s time to get a dog - a golden retriever for sure.

I sigh. 09:38pm.

I move my hips from side to side , grinding back in forth in my chair to loose up my back and legs. Gosh I need Sex! I close my eyes intensifying my movements until I feel myself getting wetter.

I take a look around the office - no one’s here. That means no one’s gonna know too. It’s just me. By myself.

I get up from my desk and walk along the hall. Some coworkers tend to need space from their desks every now and then so my boss got us spare rooms where we can hang out and relax to get a clear mind before returning to work.

Entering one of the rooms I close the door. Exhaling loudly I lean against it with my back.

Is this a good idea? Should I really do it here? Well, who’s gonna stop me? Jesus? No!! Man never existed.

I set myself down on one of the free desks standing around, leaning against it with my back, letting my hands slide over my body. Grabbing my boobs. Damn I have wonderful tits. My ass ain’t that bad either.

My head falls back while my hands run along my curves.

I close my eyes sliding my hand in between my skin and underwear. A gasp leaving my mouth as I realize how wet I am, feeling it literally drip down my folds.

I massage my tits as I run my fingers along my wetness. My bottomlip trembling.

My fingertips circle my clit having me legs shudder. I push a finger in and moan, not able to hold myself back any longer. Having something inside me after such a long time feels heavenly.

A second finger. Just the right length to hit the spot that’s driving me crazy.

I start pushing in and out of myself consistently at a quicker pace, gaining wet sounds from my pussy.

This feels too good to be true.

My head falls back. The air getting hotter and thicker around me as I keep hitting my weak spot.

Suddenly the door opens making me halt in all of my movements.

I squeeze my eyes shut not able to face the person entering. Shit shit shit. Fuck fuck fuck.

“Seems like you’re enjoying yourself”, a deep male voice. Footsteps edge closer to where I’m standing, glued to the desk, hands still on myself

He must be standing right in front me now. I can smell his perfume. Woody, clean.

I feel the table shift on both of my sides , “that’s quite the nasty thing to do in my office”, he’s so close I feel his breathe on my nose. There’s a heat radiating of him.

Did he say his office??! It can’t be, can it?

I open my eyes and meet my boss’s gaze. His steel blue eyes staring in mine.

They’re really pretty up close.

My eyes widen as I realize what situation I’m in.

His tall, brought figure leaning above me. His shirt half unbuttoned, eyes deep , breathe as heavy as my own.

“Sir I -“, I try to explain as he presses bis lips onto mine. His hands slide around my waist pulling me against him. Hand gripping one of my ass cheeks as his tongue meets mine, having me moan into his mouth.

His lips leave mine and travel along my throat and collarbone.

“You’re wearing too much”, he whispers before pulling my shirt over my head and tossing it to the ground.

His eyes wander across my body. Something in his gaze seems impressed.

He cups my breast with his hand, mouth sucking and biting on my nipple. I wrap my arms around his neck, running my hands through his ash black hair.

His tongue wanders up my body again. I moan as he continues to suck and bite on my sensitive skin.

He backs away, lips plump and red, cheeks flushed, hair messy.

I try to catch my breath to ask if there is something wrong. Except for literally what we’re doing right now.

I gasp as he lifts me up setting my down in top of the desk, towering over me.

He pushes my legs open, skirt further up, before kneeling down.

“Oh god, no!”

I place my hands in front of myself realizing what he’s about to do.

He furrows his brows giving me a questioning look.

“What’s the matter?” “I - ugh you can’t just do this.” “Why?” “It’s wrong. You’re my ….boss.”

His hands cup my ass while he’s still kneeling between my legs.

He chuckles. Obviously finding this while chaos way more entertaining than I am.

“You’re Right. I am your boss. That means you do what I say. And right now I want you to take your pretty little hands out of my way.”

His voice is deep and raspy but yet calm and collected.

My heart beats faster in my chest.

I move my hands to my sides looking away to avoid his gaze.

He chuckles again. This time darker and more to himself.

His hands wrap around my thighs keeping my legs opened.

I feel his breath on me as his face moves closer to where I’m aching the most.

A loud gasp leaves my mouth as his tongue runs along my inner thigh before leaving a hickey right next to my entrance - where the skin is the most sensitive.

He’s slow and tentatively getting closer to my cunt as if to find out what pleasures me.

My head falls back as he licks a long my folds. So slowly that I can’t help but arch my back trying to get away. Too bad that his grip on my thighs is so tight it won’t let me move an inch - probably gonna be bruised tomorrow thanks boss.

His tongue starts to move faster, circling around my clit. “Ugh please no - ah”.

I hear him chuckle, feeling his smile against my skin.

He gets up to his feet gaze locked on me as he loosens his belt.

“You’re a mess y/n”, he grins.

He’s right. Even though I can’t see it I can feel how turned on I am.

I watch him getting rid of his belt, veins showing on his hands as he does it.

He inches closer, standing between my legs.

“I need your consent.”

I meet his eyes. They’re sincere with a dark spark in them.

“Mr. Ackerman, I’m all yours for tonight.”

He chuckles, showing his dimples.

God this man is attractive. How did I never notice?

“Levi”, he says. “Alright Levi”, I say with a smirk on my face “you have my consent.”

And with that his lips crash into mine as if I’d just released a wild animal. His hands everywhere, making sure to touch every part of my body.

His hand slides into his boxers pulling out his length.

He aligns himself with me, his hand cupping my cheek as his eyes lock onto mine.

I give him a short nod before his pushes himself inside me.

My head falls back, lips parting as he slides in deeper and deeper. His hands placed on my waist keeping me steady. He’s cursing to himself. Cute.

He inches closer and closer until he’s fully buried inside me. He holds still one hand moving up to my cheek again.

“Breathe. You okay?”

My eyes closed I feel myself stretching around his cock.

He’s huge. Holy fuck. I feel full.

“Hm”, I nod my eyes watery.

“Y/n it’s gonna stop to hurt.”

He starts to move slowly in and out having me moan with each thrust.

I bite my lip as he starts to do it faster. Soon the pain fades into pleasure.

Levi’s found a pace that does both of us well.

His lips find mine again as I wrap my arms and legs around him. I need this man. God how much I need him.

His trusts get rougher and deeper hitting every single spot possible.

My eyes water, emotions uncontrollable as his skin slaps against mine, both out breaths heavy. The air getting thicker and hotter around us.

Everything a blur.

“Levi I - fuck”, I breathe earning another grin from him.

His lips find my neck for the millionth time as he switches the pace to something more slow yet forceful.

I moan into his mouth every time he pushes his full length inside my dripping cunt.

He grunts.

He’s getting closer too.

Levi holds my legs up having me kay flat on the desk.

Is squeak as he slaps my ass.

His gaze meets mine, eyes dark, smirk playing around his lips as if he’s planing something.

My eyes roll back as he thrusts back inside my already well-fucked pussy. This time going even deeper and faster.

A tingling sensation builds up un my stomach growing with each of his thrusts.

My breath gets quicker, my hands holding onto the edge of the desk. Knuckles white.

His thrusts get rougher having me bite my lip, holding onto dear life.

I get closer and closer to the edge until it hits me.

My eyes roll back and my back arches as the orgasm washes over me. “Ugh fuck”, Levi groans as my walls squeeze him tight. He keeps going, my legs shaking in front of his chest.

I feel my cum dripping down between my ass cheeks. Whimpering with each trust. Tears forming in my eyes.

Levi continues to fuck me senseless until the feeling builds up again.

This time much more intense.

He places a soft kiss on my leg.

“Cum for me again princess.”

His thrusts get sloppier, faster and deeper having me moan his name with each one of them.

“Levi I -“, I gasp as he bottoms me out, twitching inside me. Head buried in the crook of my neck.

My back lifts off the desk again as another wave of satisfaction crashes into me. My vision blurry as tears form my eyes.

Levi whispers something I’m not able to hear due to the overstimulation hitting me.

He pulls out, my legs falling limp to both of my sides. Muscles to weak to keep them up any longer.

I exhale loudly heart pounding in my chest.

Levi chuckles standing between my legs. His eyes hover over my body as if he were an artist taking a look at his work.

“Y/n you’re beautiful.”

He helps me sit up. Holding me steady as my body adjusts to the position.

He cups my cheek gently wiping away one of the tears. Happy tears. I-just-had-really-good-overwhelming-sex tears.

“Y/n you’re a beautiful woman and I’d be stupid to let anyone fuck you like that other than myself.”

The end :) hehe

#levi ackerman x reader #levi ackerman #attack on titan #attack on titan fanfiction #aot fanart #levi aot #aot x reader #aot smut #captain levi #levi smut #office #alternate universe #fanfic #fanfiction #boss x employee #rough kink

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lovelyrotter · 22 days

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STILL feeling like the only fictive on this site whos really fuckin uncomfortable with other fictives talking about generally-to-really-personal shit and *tagging it with ships* like please. please stop. i want to look at davedirk in peace without some random guy running into the room yelling HEY YOURE LOOKING AT ME ACTUALLY. like bro i get it i am also ''a dave'' but im just a fuckin guy first. person first fictive 3rd tbh

#my t #i dont like talking about this stuff cause bad faith singlets take it and run with their already shitty opinions but like #you are not part of a ship. it just wigs me out cause of the nature of stridercest yknow it just really wigs me out #believe it or not irl incest scares the shit outta me. hot take i know #i joke about kissing ''my bro'' in my partner system but we're not related and have been together for 12 fuckin years and also *just kink*#i dont live in a delusion where i believe im kissing my actual fucking ectoparent #and talking about it to strangers like theyre gonna be okay with it and not shocked at all or assume that im actually #literally kissing my goddamn sibling. which makes my skin crawl just thinking about it #and ive got kinks on top of kinks including 'cestuous ones but like #i dunno i guess in my traumatized brain at surface level it leaves too much room #for - again my traumatized brain - to immediately go to the worst possible assumption which i wont go into and would never say to an #actual other person but like. i dunno its one of those triggery things where *im* the one #who should take myself out of the situation #but other ppl *really dont help* because 1) they dont see the problem of conflating themselves with fiction and #2) because they dont see the problem they keep posting very personal shit in ship tags #and bc the ship gets dark its just. uncomfortable to be around. i dont wanna know that about strangers #especially other fictives. cause i dont want them to think im okay with doing that to myself too #when i cant afford to be back there #we're already having massive reality issues i dont need to see that shit imma just block and move on

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coquelicoq · 7 months

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after spending the last week very stressed out and losing sleep over how much i regretted giving my number to a stranger, and after talking to several friends who all gave me the same very wise advice ("decide first what YOU want out of this and make decisions based on that" sounds obvious now but honestly blew my mind), i saw food truck man again today and he asked me if i have a boyfriend, told me he's all alone, hugged me twice, and tried to kiss me. i texted him after to be like just to be clear, i don't want a boyfriend, but i hope you find somebody! and he texted me back: i don't need a girlfriend. i'm married.

#AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA #i was actually so upset after he tried to kiss me. technically he did kiss me but not on the mouth because i would not turn my head lol #but i was like you know what i am an adult and i am going to be soooo mature right now. watch how mature i can be #and sent him this text #and then got that response and honestly now i feel a lot better about everything?? for some reason #i am not really understanding all of my reactions to this situation i need some time to process #but ultimately i have learned some new things about myself (or i probably will once i have processed lol)#and i'm actually quite proud of that text because i could have psyched myself out too much to send it #which i think would have just made me continue to be stressed about this #but i didn't!! i wrote it and i sent it and i didn't overthink it. yay me #sorry 2 everyone who wanted me to have a sexy time but it turns out i did not want to have a sexy time!#and i decided to take some advice that i should only do things i want to do <3 thank you to all my wise friends #it is a work in progress because he asked if he could hug me and i didn't really want to do that but i said okay #baby steps! working on it!#i feel insane though because i usually have a much easier time saying no than most people i know #so i don't know what's happening. it's because i gave him my number. i felt like by doing that i had consented to other things #but i hadn't. and even if i had i can withdraw consent at any time. yes. i do know this

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thenwethrowitonthefire · 2 months

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Shout-out to everyone who survived a "fun" easter with the family

#fucking hell #it started with finding out my dad smoked in my car when I picked up my sister #who was equally dreading the day #my mum turns into the world's tensest and judgemental presence. worsened by my aunt #then hell for autistic people (of which there are multiple present)#multiple deaf people means one uninspired conversation that isn't interesting in any way.#combinations of passive aggressiveness and people not saying a thing because they can't participate. voice volumes too damn high #weirdass food situations. Very full table. so many smells.#this goes on for over an hour. wishing for literally anything but being there. soul crushing.#then you still have to sit in that room for 2.5 hours. it just goes on and on.#my autistic deaf dad physically looks like how I feel. my mum and aunt keep piling on top of him to demand his mental presence #i leave the room once (to get my phone to show pictures to my uncle) and am immediately followed upstairs by my mum #who demands I don't leave the room (What's next. following me when I need the toilet?)#me and my sister are so bored we start throwing paper planes and fake fighting.#Which amuses the bored and the deaf #but of course my mum and aunt have opinions and this is not allowed. only soul crushing boredom allowed #they complain to each other over it while aggressively doing dishes #finally it ends because my mum and aunt start insisting my dad should go to bed if he's 'that tired'. *sprinkle on some additional ableism*#still sitting through a conversation about allergies one of my sister's friends has. my mum preaching that people should take that seriously #(meanwhile i had to cook for myself for 9 years because when my allergies were really bad no one bothered to check if i could eat something)#me and my sister go sit upstairs to discover our mum has made things we care about vanish in her room #and made things appear that should not be there #I've washed the interior of my car and hope the smell will go #you think it's over after that. but woke up with the realisation that even more things have disappeared from my sister's room.#i can't remember a time when things left outside of my room didn't disappear #I don't know why we do these family gatherings at all. no one has fun on days like that.#the housing crisis isn't making these things easy. my sister is losing her place to live again as well #she'll go hiking for a month and then work on a campsite over the summer #maybe I'll go house sitting again. idk.#can't make commitments a few months in advance like that because I'll cancel everything the second Sparks announces anything important

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paarthursass · 7 months

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#sophie.txt #i should Not do this to myself but #i went to the blog of the person who had that out of left field take on wyll from a few days ago #and saw they made another post that said something to the effect of #'um. be GRATEFUL that wyll only has 8 hours of content. because the alternative was him being CUT FROM THE GAME'#and then they also said that ppl criticizing larian for rewriting wyll was a slap in the face to theo bcs he worked so hard on voicing wyll #like ???? this person has a Gift for having the Most Bad Faith readings of Any situation #genuinely bending over backwards bcs they can't stand ppl criticizing larian for anything #holy shit #anyways. i still have that person blocked which is why i didn't see that post initially in the wyll tag but. holy shit #terrifying look into the other side of the fandom there folks

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bunnihearted · 8 months

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🚬🧸🧃🎀

#anyway so yeah im so sick of hating myself. of missing out on things and being too scared to go after things i want when i have the chance #so sick of almost being 25 and having spent almost 6 years alone in my room missing out on life #and my mom and sister might be moving in the not too distant future #so i have to try to get my life together for real now!!! or homelessness will be awaiting me :D #what i will try to do.. is start going to the gym (w my mom so i dont have to deal w the anxiety of an unknown place by myself sksk)#i'll workout 3-5 times a week. every week. i like going to the gym so if i just get started i dont have a doubt i'll not be able to do it #i'll focus on finishing my english class. hopefully in december even if i have the possibility to get it extended a few months #then i'll start my other 4 classes in january #i'll be patient and wait for my ultrasound and get the gallstone situation fixed (latest in january if i need surgery)#(and i have to try to make sure i eat properly so i dont wind up with b12 deficiency... i cant eat anything without pain but i have to..)#also i have an appt at the psychiatric in mid october. and im still waiting on what my healthcare center says. hopefully i can get cbt #if possible i will really really try to apply for jobs as a personal assistant sometime between january-may #if i have a job instead of being on wellfare i will 1) have way more money 2) not feel constabtly anxious abt being rejected and homeless #i'll stop caring abt me being 'old' and a late bloomer. the planet is dying. who cares if im 28 and start university????#i'll take my time to finish high school. and the thing is i really should get a job before starting higher vocational education #bc the program i want to start i HAVE to have a laptop. and theres no way i can afford that now. cant even save up to it #also need to find and put myself up on waiting lists for student housing/apartments so i can actually move #i hate this city and i need to get the fuck out of here!!!!#but the world is crazy rn and it's super hard to find places to live and find jobs but it's not impossible so i need to try #i cant live like this & i have no idea how tf i'll manage to be a normal person and have a life but i need to try bc what else am i gnna do?

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chaos-storm · 3 months

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Few things piss me off more than people who cannot comprehend that just because they told a joke, does not mean I have to think it's funny

#and this is coming from the guy who laughs at everything I think is funny #i just remembered the argument I had last year with my family memberd where my dad said a joka #i told him I didnt like it #my sister yelled at me to stop being so sensitive #i had to leave the room cause I got so angry at their reactions #my dad came out to yell at me for all kinds of things he dislikes about me #then later when I tried to explain myself to my mother she said ''Well #you have to understand that it was just a joke'x #joke''*#and I had to explain to her that just because my dad tells a joke does not mean I have to like it or find it funny #and I cant remember if I explained this but ffs if someone tells a joke and the respose is ''that made me uncomfortable''#then the reaction should be ''oh I'm sorry I'll be more mindful of that in the future''#not fucking ''Jesus christ you need to learn to take a joke you're so fucking sensitive''#WHICH IS WHAT MY ABUSER WOULD ALWAYS SAY #like ffs why cant my family understand that I never contact them because I dont like talking to them #cause talking to them puts me at risk of situations like these!!!#negative

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lady-grace-pens · 2 months

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Hey writers

Has anyone else ever had this thing when they’ve been between projects for a while and haven’t been writing much, and they’re getting antsy for something new? And they have ideas they like, but they like. Literally just got them. Like a week ago. Or just yesterday.

And planning take a while. A lot of time and energy. You can’t really force it even though you try. So now you’re in this weird messed up grey area where you’re excited but absolutely terrified of starting something new. And you’re also being extra hard on yourself because you have to make it perfect, it has to click immediately, otherwise you feel useless simply resting and not being creative/productive. So you tend to obsess over planning to the point of anxiety, which only makes you stress out more and feeds this negative cycle. But you have passion for the ideas, you do, and you want to work on them. But you stress yourself out so easily because you’re so antsy and you haven’t had a project in a while.

Anyone else get that?

#kaitlyn talks for once #writeblr #writing #whoops didn’t intend for this to be this long #i can’t tell what to do #do I embrace the rest? embrace the slow nature of planning?#plannin usually takes a little while for me anyway. I’m that kinda person #how can I do that while taking care of the Antsy and The Pressure?#above all I just need to know that this won’t last forever like I’m scared it might #i mean. I’m glad this is a sign I’m a legit writer and creative person who cares about writing and the ideas she gets #I’m grateful for that. but it would be great to stop feeling useless and so stressed #ugh #writing is hard #In any case I should probably take a day to chill out. i think? maybe? idk #right now I should get dinner #haven’t eaten all day #bleh #friend of mine said I should focus on writing snippets for now #probably #i can’t with The Stress tho. maybe I just need to force myself. or should I calm down and like. take my time? both? idk #I haven’t been in this situation before #i don’t like it very much #does this make any sense to anyone? i Hope so

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unproduciblesmackdown · 1 year

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like hearing an autistic person talking abt realizing like "oh so friendships for some ppl don't involve always having to maintain a performance" and going damn right yeah and now "oh so friendships for some ppl involve their getting to expect that the other ppl will be interested in them and provide support" like huh go figure. more surprising like oh right i guess i always felt like interactions require maintaining a performance that can only go wrong (generally true; like there's no "well you're ruining things by keeping ppl from being the Real You so just Be Yourself" like a] masking isn't Real or done by Yourself or b] like if you unmask people like you now & ableism is over, b/c it was your fault for reacting to it in the first place) & thus also that i should be interested & provide support but not expect that in turn / the sense as well that you are/can only come up short and have things to make up for anyways while lucky whoever's even providing the time of day

then it's always an Exercise to go "oh right well beyond going [my god autistic character] the whole time, what Things re: winston billions was i still not quite seeing as as unusual / Not Good as they are. even for billions" like sure noticing he's holding on to the hopes of some kind of positive / actual relationship w/rian for like year 950 & this manifesting with the Determined Friendliness but zooming in like oh i guess that adamant amicability sure involves winston suppressing a negative reaction to negative treatment and yet still hoping for an improvement, which like, was always Possible but a) hinged on rian simply choosing to change how she regards/treats him (or someone intervening to change the situation) & b) apparently is not going to happen. thinking like yeah that's very Friendly of him. and knowing like man winston's sure still trying to keep this friendliness offer open for like two years. but also now more specifically going like Yeah and pretty fucked then that his baseline expectations don't include that Mutual Interest & Support (though someone being abusive is definitely interested just not in any good ways. and certainly not (actually) supportive)

#and then in immediate retrospect it's like I Mean I Knew It & even now to be saying it feels like i've effectively already said it #just more precise/specific Language available. & where even if it's like [restating this one idea] that's gonna say smthing new / a bit dif #winston billions #from the [immediately going HM HUH first time seeing his clips but taking months to be like He's Autistic(tm) Btw IMO] to now struggling to #say another Ay Word in discussing [he has a devoted workplace bully] as Abuse(tm) when plenty of what's abusive is considered ''normal'' or #correct or even Ideal while defining Abuse as xtreme outliers due to evil intentions & extraordinary situations (that you should avoid)#it's power structures & efforts to control & use/refuse people as things....plenty of ppl who can feel they're just acting Normal & Natural #while other ppl in entire groups Do have to perform which can only go wrong & be hurt / get that everyday trauma from their Normalcy.#those allistic social skills huh (again tldr invoking this concept just Is ableism....)#after a casual twenty plus years w/the gradual convergence of [figuring out i'm autistic] & [not blaming myself for being mistreated b/c #i'm autistic] does put a damper on expectations re: all interactions but it's like the way someone put it the other day #who hasn't said anything abt being autistic but that they don't think anyone's guaranteed any kinds of relationships/companionship incl #friendships (which i agree with; & it's not at all uncommon for ppl to be hard up for those out here. despite ppl treating socializing like #a meritocracy like hmm anyone doesn't have friends? sounds like that's on you not getting good / deserving that) & so he consciously #navigates how to like be genuinely satisfied w/a life that's just got him in it while being open to other ppl. thinking of how i've heard #abt Just That re: autistic ppl (but framed specifically re: dating; like might want a romantic relationship but ofc no one's guaranteed one #of those either (even if this too is definitely treated like in fact you Are guaranteed one & it is Again a meritocracy) And ofc there's #more barriers/hurdles for autistic ppl) & just going like yeah i've sure been always navigating that too while being open to ppl sure but #not feeling like i need that to change & sure asf not focusing on Putting Myself Out There lmao. i put myself out there by existing & by #saying things & by trying not to try to preemptively appease/appeal to anyone. seeing another quote today abt how they're nonverbal & this #results in being regarded as hostile like eugh been there enough; classic [putting myself out there] dramedy of terrors from back in the #day as a teen living on college figuratively sprinting around trying to figure it out; both the Autistacity & Abuse lol. & racking up more #of the latter for the former while i'm at it....nowadays like. certainly recent successes in [spontaneous alignments of being friends] had #to start w/like weeks into months of i'm not expecting someone else to have interest & in fact Am expecting; if nothing else; them to #realize w/e interest motivates them to talk w/me to be mistaken or w/e. as i'm struggling not to mask / beating back efforts to actively #appeal to anyone. being duly surprised when after months they still feel like talking to me. & even then just kind of entering another #phase of ''well but still'' lol like when interactions have largely felt like Buying Time at best #def on the same page as that guy like even [have friends] is not a Need. when i could go ''time to recharge socially'' & make it happen #what i like to do is go be in public '''''by myself'''' around ppl. truly the good shit. doing that kind of shit w/ppl has = nth wheeling.#now insert a short essay spinning off all this abt an approach to Language parallel to [concepts re Socializing] as tag thirty

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upperranktwo · 6 months

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It's 6:30 and I haven't slept at all, from what I recall, I've almost been awake for 24 hours. I can't keep doing this (have been like this for years) I need to see a doctor about my unhealthy sleeping at some point lmao (will not see a doctor)

#my new main doc is so sexist i cba with him #debating taking me off anti depressents because he believes i'm just an emotional woman #jokes on him I stopped taking them because they made me sick #he also didnt wanna diagnose me with BDD until my 'husband' verifed it #sure lemme just ask the non existing husband of mine to ask him to tell you i see myself warped #it's on my record i'm single btw meaning he just thinks I should be married #so if I go to him saying i have insomia he'll start claiming it's because i'm a girl #oh when i told him i'm not married he asked if he could speak to my dad #good luck!!!! my dad talks to nobody he's worst than me in social situations #sky rambles ♡#never forget the time I had an earache and a nurse asked me i was on my period and thats why I was crying #honestly fucking killing myself at this point man can't do shit #i've had bad ear pains since birth 😭 you can't make this shit up #i've had actually blood pouring out from my ears and still been told i'm exaggerating #can't wait to drop dead and i'll still be declared as alive because i'm a silly woman who is over the top #am I emotional??? yes #is that the cause of all my mental issues? i don't think so I think that's more physical verbal emotional and mental abuse but go off #i really REALLY shoukd be medicated but the sickness and weight gain which wouldnt go away was too much

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pepprs · 1 year

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hi update things are fucking terrible and my eyes hurt from sobbing. lol

#purrs #delete later #not to liveblog and be tmi or whatever but i feel terribly alone and terribly miserable so this is in fact a cry for help lol. or really #comfort bc im fucking going insane. so for context last spring when i was still an intern another intern orchestrated this back channel #where everyone was supposed to talk shit about our supervisors (my dearest most belovedest mentors) and all of us hid it for months and it #all came to a head at asb 2022 because there was a lot of drama witb the asb student facilitators and our staff team. and it was sooooo ugly #and messy and horrible and probably played a direct role in one of my dearest beloved est mentors (who was the point person for asb) fucking #getting a new job and abandoning us in july lol 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃 and so i became a full time staff member and me and my remaining dearest belovedest #colleague besties fucking carried the world on oh r shoulders and put on amazing programs as just 3 of us in the core staff and we thought w #we were doing a really good job with the asb 2023 leaders and that there were no drama dynamics or whatever and guess fucking what. tonight #we found out that half of them hate us for reasons we still don’t know and all of them are at each others throats and also some of the #participants feel a type of way about us. and i know i am being a fragile sensitive crybaby over it but i have had terrible cramps all day a #and have barely slept since ive been here and feel like ive been bending over backwards to support the leaders only to find out that half of #them think we’re evil and i just… i couldn’t take it. so i cried and now im beating myself up for crying. but it’s like come ON. i know we #did a pretty imperfect job of preparing them for this. and i should just take responsibility for that and not be defensive. but it’s like… i #have NEVER seen this program in person before or been part of the planning of it. i was just a student last year like all of you. and also #HOW many fucking times did we create space for you to talk to us and invite us in. and still this shit happened. and i just feel like a #failure. and i couldn’t react to that information in any way except cry liek it’s all so over my head and out of my depth and im not as #emotionally mature as my colleagues bc im the youngest and this is my first time dealing with this and i feel so incompetent and like i #failed. failed the first time by not speaking up when i was implicated in the stupid fucking Google form back channel situation last year #and now failed the second time by not being able to prevent this stupid drama bullshit from happening again and for not catching it. and jfs #like… im in excruciating physical pain and haven’t slept and haven’t eaten well and my life is falling apart and we were ABANDONED BY THE #PERSON WHO WAS RESPONDIBLE FOR THIS (i know we weren’t abandoned she literally just got a new job i just have psychological issues) and #we’ve been running at a million miles per hour with absolutely no break and now you’re mad at us and not even telling us and it’s impacting #everyone’s experiences but you want to pretend this is fucking high school and keep secrets. i am TIRED of drama. i am TIRED of this stupid #bullshit. and not to say this bc i don’t know if asb 2022 drama factored into her decision to leave but if it did i get why * left now. i #get it. bc this shit makes me want to jump out the hotel window. i do not want to face any of them tomorrow and deal with more bullshit. i #am emotionally unstable and incompetent and not equipped to deal with this in a mature healthy way. i want this to be over NOW. im done.#ok i think that’s it um. sorry about that i just needed other people to know i am suffering and i will suppress the shame i feel about that #just this once. esp bc i denied myself the opportunity for my colleague besties to comfort me while i was crying and i regret it now lol

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sol1loqu1st · 1 year

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i'm going to be seeing a new therapist later this month & i want to bring up possibly/probably having osdd, but i know that since more people have been kinda learning about what DID and osdd actually *are* there's been an influx of ppl claiming to have it (ftr it is NOT my place to tell people they're faking lmao, i don't care if someone claims to have a disorder and then later it turns out they don't & i don't think most ppl are "faking." it's between them & their therapist if they have it or not and it harms no one to self dx, people taking it less seriously isn't the fault of self dxed people either)

but anyway i'm worried that if i go into a therapist's office and immediately tell them i think i have Today's Trendy Disorder i won't be taken seriously. but at the same time there is really obviously *something* going on with me that isn't just normal depression & anxiety and treatment methods for bpd (like dbt, mood stabilizers, etc) haven't helped even a little bit over the several years i've been seeking treatment for it so i'm starting to suspect there's something else going on i haven't been seeing & honestly after talking with my last therapist abt stuff (who i was seeing for bpd/trauma stuff but looking back they were pretty obviously trying to get me to figure out i had a dissociative disorder, whether or not i do they certainly thought so) i'm realizing that some of the things i experience are a lot less normal than i thought and may be consistent w/ an osdd diagnosis (probably not DID because i don't really experience significant memory stuff though lol. i do a little but it's less "can't remember at all" and a little more like waking up from a dream where i can recall the gist of stuff but it feels far away)

i don't even know what id do with a diagnosis though. honestly i just want answers and a place to start in regards to treatment more than anything else

(advice welcome but not expected)

#idk though maybe it is just anxiety #lot of folks im seeing have like. this detailed internal world and talk to their alters and #have like very distinct separate identities and act really different and all that #my stuff is just like..... idk man #i thought i had osdd when i was a teenager but i eventually decided it was bpd mood swings and identity issues #and any memory stuff i did deal with was adrenaline from anxiety #and i'm still not convinced it's like #NOT that?#but the way people talk to me about myself when they're upset w/ me #like there's always this implication that i should be able to control what i do and say even when my emotions are boiling over #but i... Can't #if it's a situation where i could seriously fuck my or someone elses life up i can wrench back control of myself enough #to not get in serious trouble but when i get like how i do there have been times i literally know i shouldnt be doing something and #i want to stop so fucking badly and i just am basically watching myself fuck me over and make awful choices and i can't. stop myself #& i just. i always thought i was just making excuses for myself and that i was just. one of those horrible assholes #who acts like they cant control themself when they hurt others #(& i do take responsibility for the times i've hurt other people or lashed out unfairly. regardless of if it was me or an alter #it's still my responsibility to make things right)#but. idk. maybe it's not just that i'm a bad person #maybe there really is something actually going on with me and i can learn to cope w/ it in healthier ways #also shut up yeah the mp100 finale got me thinking abt this again ok. seeing mob helplessly watching from inside himself #as a Different Him went on a horrible unstoppable rampage. & the solution was that he had to accept the other him as part of himself #was. very much an 'oh' moment for me. so uh #yeah

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