just like a quick heads up and bit of housekeeping, for "I was raised Catholic and by fucking God does that mess you up" and "over the years people have made exceptionay kind offers" reasons, going forward I'm going to try to be more active on this blog and with every edit I'm going to be including"like my stuff? support me here" links. Those links will always lead back to various charities helping folk in places like Sudan, the Congo, and Palestine. I'd Uber appreciate it if y'all lent them your kindness instead of directing it at me and preferably played along with the bit however best suits you.

kenniko being the parents of beta squad !! 🤗

oh boy the depression hole is deep and it is muddy

hahaha I fell into the classic trap! overidentify with your job and considering leaving it will trigger an existential crisis!!!!

It’s really hit me that before I make any big life decisions of any kind I have to heal and grow more. Like what do I want to DO or BE. I want to get better. I want to be better. (In a healing way. Perfectionism dni)

hmm. had an actual conversation with nightmare coworker today that seemed mutually productive. she apologized for saying some bullshit that hurt my feelings and i clarified that my intentions are to help not to undermine her, and we both agreed that there's no competition against each other and that it's the lack of growth in our role that's the problem. it was...productive.

and further cementing for me that it is time to begin making my Exit. i will be sending out my resume to a few places this weekend.

i'm still processing the conversation, and am struggling to place myself in where i am responsible to better my behavior. because i genuinely don't want to be an ass, even though i really don't like this lady and will jump for joy the day i never have to see her again. she stated that she knows my intentions aren't to hurt her, and that she thinks i'm very kind. i apologized for if my behavior came off as undermining her, and said that my intentions are only to better my own growth—and that i know she's trying to succeed too. i validated her feelings, and complemented the effort she is putting in.

where i'm struggling with is: am i in the wrong/causing harm and needing to change if the issue is that her feelings are incongruent with what she knows of my intentions? her feelings are her responsibility (WOW i almost typed "her feelings are my responsibility". i feel like that's a freudian slip) and she states that she knows i don't mean to hurt her. i'm going to try to be more clear in wording my intentions with her (she feels like me trying to take work off her plate is to undermine her. when really, i'm caught up and see her getting overwhelmed, and i want to help and also have something to do since i'm bored).

but i'm really struggling to look at my role in this and pass judgement on myself. i can and want to do better, and i don't think i did anything wrong, but i'm always so hesitant to say it's not my fault or i didn't do something bad. like i can't trust my judgement on that. my intentions were good, her bad feelings are ones caused by her insecurities, which she more or less has expressed to be aware that they are not true—the hurtful thing she said to me, she acknowledged was said out of hurt and not what she actually thinks. so, is it fair to say i'm not the bad guy? i'm not in the wrong? i know good intentions that still result in harm don't absolve anyone, but when the things that are clashing are insufficient communication and reactive insecurities... i'm not a monster, am i?

wishing i never tried to get an autism diagnosis

tbh i think i finally cracked a nut I've been teething in for a while.

For the story to work Pavo has to be Far more eager to radically change his relationship to Esti than I think a man as stubborn as him would be. He's practically raised Esti and has trained him in everything Pavo Could train him in. For over a decade Esti has been such a fixture in his life that people are surprised to see one of them without the other if there's not a Really good reason for them to be apart.

And the cracking came because like. Pavo is not a man who can handle nuance well. He needs things to be emotionally simple and uncomplicated and to fit neatly into his hyper-toxic masculinity poisoned view on reality. Things that don't fit are to be destroyed discarded or broken down until they do.

His relationship with Esti Was simple. Of course a mentor would be proud of their apprentice and want boast about them at every turn and to spend as much time with them as possible. Of course they would want to push themselves to be a better example for them and to protect them from everything and to devote a massive amount of time and thought to them.

Even if Pavo would never admit it, not even to himself, he loved Esti like a son. And that was easy when Esti was still a child.

Esti grew up. He needed Pavo less and less as he became more independent and a man of his own.

And that terrified Pavo in a way he would never be able to put to words. Esti wasn't his son. He was his apprentice. there would be a day they'd have to say goodbye and even if Esti Swore he would visit. Why would he? They didn't share blood. Esti had no reason to butter him up for an inheritance. No younger siblings to come be a roll model for. Why would a grown man spend time with another man when there was nothing in it for him? Pavo would never admit how much being alone scared him. He'd been Fine alone before Esti. He'd be fine again.

Why would he want to see Esti again anyways? He taught him everything he could. Esti had been a chore. Pavo should be happy to soon be free of the responsibility of raising another man's kid.

He told himself that but he still wasn't. and for a guy so scared of his own feelings that was unacceptable. It was too complicated.

And then the party came around. The last birthday Esti would celebrate in this village, and the first one Pavo would celebrate with him. Pavo had always tried to make sure Esti had a life beyond his training, friends and acquaintances and those he would get sweet on from time to time. People he could spend time with and celebrate alongside. So Pavo had never been to give him a space free of his mentor.

The night went well, Esti lost a lot of his nerves the further into a bottle he got. All that doubt just spilling off him. Pavo had never seen him properly drunk, only ever the hangovers after. He'd rarely seen him so unconcerned and happy and open with his thoughts. Impulsive instead of constantly wrapped up in a knot of indecision.

Esti would be leaving in a weeks time. Pavo waited for the clock to strike midnight to congratulate him on becoming a man. he'd been an adult for years, but not a man so long as he lived under his mentor's wing.

Esti had stared at him, cheeks flushed and eyes bright. And then Esti was in his lap. Gangly legs either side of Pavos and thin but still strong arms wrapped tight around his shoulders. Kissing him like they were too long separated lovers.

And that was it. That was what Pavo needed when his heart was aching. not necessarily the kiss, but the closeness and touch and Esti there with him and not leaving him behind. He hadn't really ever thought of his apprentice in a sexual light. the odd intruding thought but nothing he ever actually considered acting on.

But now. Now it was a way to twist and recontextualize things. It was a reason to cling to Esti and hold him close and keep him and never have to say goodbye. It fit right in with Pavo's view of the world. He was strong, and despite everything Pavo had done to train and teach, Esti was still so very weak. He always would be because of his half blooded nature. He was weak, Pavo was strong. The strong protect the weak, the weak serve and thank the strong.

This was how Pavo would justify refusing to let Esti leave and clinging to him for as long as possible.

VECTOR'S PSYCHOPATHIC TENDENCIES

I'M GONNA CRY

This is so funny 😭

damn what a coincidence i was literally just researching lolicon phenomenon this week and now theres a kpop controversy abt it

✨🎥! Oh yes, please do talk about garments and shoes non stop!

My mother was a fashion professor (as in taught young adults how to make clothes from scratch, starting with the pattern and finishing with the final piece) and used to sew a lot so I do have pieces that she handmaded and also a couple of sewing machines at home. In fact, there a full manual sewing machine at my grandma’s that my mother used when she was studying. She passed quite a long time ago but I do remember that as a child she taught me how to hand sew a button. I literally have a drawer full of them, and a bazillion types of threads. In t-shirts/shirts whenever a hole appeared, she would cover it with something embroidered like any sort of figure that would go well to keep using that

Also, where I live there’s a “school” where they teach amateurs how to sew. They literally have a “Make a [insert piece of clothing] in a day” and they’re quite nice. A lot of people keep going back to them to make more so they have a different one every month or so

But yeah, composition of the garment is one of the things that’s says a lot about them. Again, another thing that my mother instilled in me was to go for natural fibres and treat them right. Learning how to read the label of the caring instructions also helps. I try to avoid anything that requires to be hand washed because I’m allergic to an ingredient that is present in pretty much every detergent, so that becomes a hassle for me, but generally I wash either cold or 30ºC max

Shoes are another thing. Some have the worst quality and break so easily without any option to repair them. Like I remember going to the shoemaker to repair the soles or the heels, but with most of the shoes made now, they’re so shitty that it’s not even worth it. And sadly, I have one of the most common shoe sizes for women, but with slightly slimmer feet so if I’m looking for heels, I need to go for something that has support on the ankle or size down, otherwise the heels would fall of my feet 🥲 And that extents to clothes as well. Sizing is so fucking inconsistence, specially for women. There’s items in one store made by the same manufacturer that differ SO MUCH… I hate it because, again, even though I am considered slim, my hips are wider and my waist a bit tinier so things that should fit on my waist do not go up my ass. And my chest is small as well so fitting all 3 is… a nightmare. I always question that if I can’t find things that fit me properly even though I’m considered to be “in the standard”, what about those bodies that are not? GOD, everyday I lose faith in the fashion industry

PD: LOL at the “adulthood is meeting your friends every few months anyways”, literally all of my friends live in different cities now, so we plan in advance when we get to see each other. Sometimes with 2-months notices, especially if that entails to reunite the whole gang and not just the core (10 vs 3)

hahaha so you really did already know everything i said! but that's ok, hopefully it still was some help somewhere.

trying to buy clothes really has been getting more and more difficult because you're absolutely right; the 'standard' body type that fast fashion is made for doesn't actually exist. pretty fucking depressing that a whole industry exists the make you feel unhappy and unsatisfied with how you look so you keep buying more things, but also there are so many of those industries also and capitalism ruins everything i hate it here. shoes are an intertwined problem too bc shoes that are shoddily made of synthetic materials are so bad in every way. even ones that are well made of synthetic materials are STILL bad imo. shoddy craftsmanship is a human constant but at least with natural materials some of that can either be repaired or recycled into something else, but synthetic materials? good fucking luck. i really do recommend to everyone that if it's possible they should get one good staple leather shoe that they learn how to take care of bc it will fit your foot better than any synthetic material and will last longer. there is a REASON that shoes have been made of leather literally for most of time; it's a vastly superior material in terms of physical properties than anything else for what shoes have to do as a functional objects. but the never ceasing cycle of capitalism has made it impossible to actually find something 'trendy' (or even just nice looking) and good quality AND at a good price. i really do hate it here.

Ione Kitain Daughter of the Fourth House of Betazed - Socialite. Elieth’s Wife.

transcript under the cut.

transcript:

today, i peeled a citrus for the first time.

it was a clementine, small and saccharine like the cheeks of a child. my fingers weren’t quite sure how to go about it, and so my nails slowly chipped away at its flesh, thumb dragging a surgical incision through the skin and tearing the edges away to reveal a ragged window to the insides.

with the trepidation of a bird on the palm of a stranger, i plucked out three slices —

good things come in threes, or so i’m told —

and, juice dripping down my knuckles, set my eyes upon the snarled stem tethering what remained: two slices inside staring me down, the glistening mirror of a pair of lungs.

like recognizes like, and so my breath caught in my own, and i thought: this is humanity, messy and sweet and a tangle of nerves beneath it all, and perhaps —

just perhaps —

everything in the world is joined by this common thread.

and when i at last sank my teeth into it,

it tasted like myself.

/end transcript.

POV: you’re staring at the person who made the saddest, most depressing movie you’ve ever seen, into a meme

does anyone actually find therapy helpful

... ive just realized that hange x levi is a perfect parallel for root x shaw (and characters as individuals respectively) and if you think im going to be able to work the 70 hours of work i have left to do this week while thinking about that well

you'd be right, bc im a professional. but also like. its gonna be hard as fck.