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evilkaeya · 1 day

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My study motivation is imagining Veritas Ratio seeing my grade sheet and saying "good work, ten points"

#on the contrary if I get one A- he'll start throwing chalks at me while yelling FAILED. GET OUT. ZERO POINTS.#which is scary #I need to impress this man #what level of mental illness is this #hsr

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decolonize-the-left · 2 years

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Surrounding myself with love songs, romantic shows, and cutesy pictures to get my neurodivergence hyperfixated on hearts and things so I can download a loving personality for the next month.

Mental illness: hacked

#i only feel love and satisfaction and the desire to make my people happy #what level of mental illness is this #depression #dissociation #cluster b

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ryanxross · 2 years

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Had a dream last night where, apropos of nothing, brendon said in an interview that the song house of memories was about a little girl named kelly who lived next door and died in a hit and run, and that it crushed and disgusted him to see everyone online speculating over the song being about romantic affairs with ex band members. Initially the public sided with him and it sparked a national conversation about how damaging shipping real life people can be. But then people started looking at the lyrics for house of memories and realized that brendon claiming that song was about his murdered neighbor makes absolutely zero sense, especially since she was a kid, and especially since her parents spoke out that theyve never even met brendon, and the outrage about his lie was so huge that he had to hold a press conference and announce “okay fine i did it!! I fucked ryan ross!!!!” And then I woke up

#unfortunately im not even joking this was a LITERAL dream i had last night #what level of mental illness is this #even back in my r*d*n days I didn’t dream about this shit #personal

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zombiemollusk · 1 year

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"you were just diagnosed with an awful condition, why are you happy about it??" bud, i would still have the condition even if i wasn't diagnosed; i'm happy because i now know what it is and what i can do about it

#mental illness #disability #chronic condition #chronic illness #illness #feels like some people on some level think the diagnosis itself is what gives the condition #it is not #zombie talks #eta: not about anything recent with me i just had Things On My Mind

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mewtwo24 · 4 months

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I finally finished reading the fourth volume of svsss in full, and thing is--the first time through I only read the bingqiu content because I was ravenous for more of their happy ending.

Turns out that was a perilous mistake.

Because I started reading the airplane extras. And I swear to god. MXTX is trying to kill me

What do you MEAN demon lord Binghe was sitting on his big fucking throne. All stoic and forbidding. Surrounded by his demon generals who don't know shit about human courtship. Asking them what he should do, fully demoralized by constant rejections from sqq, only to have airplane tell him to act more pathetic and needy. Which is already hysterically funny and insane, UNTIL LBH'S RESPONSE IS THIS, KILLING ME INSTANTLY:

LUO BINGHE. WHY DOES HE SAY IT LIKE: "I already tried that, didn't work--nothing works :/ not mean, not maidenly, not housewife, not spicy, not capable disciple. Is doubling down on clingy really all it will take? What's a born hater with only one love in his life to do????"

The dichotomy of him sitting there like 'how can I reach the unfathomable depths of shizun's heart?' A HEART HE'S ALREADY WON OVER, MIND and then in the Holy Mausoleum solving the puzzle without blinking and being like 'oh yeah you just have to hit the acupoints, no sweat.' Literally the comedy writes itself I'm so--

How am I supposed to be normal about this. MXTX understands the juicy quintessential queer joy of a person with the world's power at their fingertips wishing only for love. Willing to do anything to earn that love, when unbeknownst to them it's already been freely given. Totally not screaming and yelling and clawing at the walls

And that's not even touching airplane's uproarious account of events. The way he's like 'lol what's next, lbh and sqq are best friends now? smfh' only to see lbh TACKLE SQQ LOVINGLY. FOR SQQ TO BE BASHFUL ABOUT IT BUT SO SO FOND OF THE LITTLE SCAMP. This when we've been experiencing sqq's constant inner monologue of 'I'm so cool and so dignified about my role, truly the epitome of propriety and poser-level fortitude.' Meanwhile, in their universe:

Airplane constantly flaming???? Sqq and lbh in his observations????? His absolute bewilderment and confusion????? Legendary. No notes every single second of this shit was hilarious.

Airplane's comment that sqq + older adolescent lbh traveling together was just watching a couple in their honeymoon phase. OR the fact that lbh is exceedingly petty and refuses to share their food in the wake of airplane's interruption of their time together, until sqq relents sheepishly and insists airplane eat what's left (ONLY AFTER PLACATING LBH WITH MORE FOOD FROM HIS PLATE, SOBBING)

Watching airplane salivate over Mobei-Jun and acting like that's totally normal behavior. Finding out mbj and airplane got together first. Finding out sqq encouraged airplane. LIKE THIS. WHILE HE IS STILL IN DENIAL ABOUT HIS OWN FEELINGS:

Mobei-jun clearly thinking their arrangement is a forever thing, heartbroken his human abandoned him with all the hapless fury of a scorned wife swept away by false promises of fidelity. Airplane writing demons to be the type to beat up their crush lovingly and still unable to connect the dots about mbj's feelings. Mbj letting him go and respecting his wishes, only relenting when there's indication airplane was poorly processing his own feelings and didn't actually want to leave. Mbj caring for him and listening to him as soon as airplane voices what he needs directly and with clarity. None of these gays are functional and it's everything to me

Unrelated, but I physically can't hold this information in anymore:

I'm still reeling from younger lbh having his sexual awakening from the image of sqq wrapped in the immortal binding cables. Condemn me as you like he was so, so real for that.

And no I will not be taking any comments about how luo bingge couldn't bear to see luo binghe cherished in ways he never got to have and all the haunting implications of that. I will also not be taking any comments about luo binghe's instinct to look for sqq in that alternate universe, only to be shaken to the very core to be unable to find his shizun anywhere. The unspeakable and latent horror of his relentless mind likely piecing together what happened, but unable to say it; to suspect what is true, and live with the harrowing confusion of his double's actions. To blame himself, to assume that he had let his anger get the better of him in that world and result in unspeakable folly...

I also refuse to talk about how heartrending it is to hear Tianlang-jun weakly say "In the end, I really can't bring myself to hate humans." The implication that the foolishness of that hope and bright-eyed fondness--the very thing that put him through such unspeakable agony--couldn't be beaten out of him entirely. To discover that his faith in Su Xiyan hadn't been misplaced, to the contrary: his beloved hadn't scorned him at all, but rather fought to the miserable end to protect the fruition of their genuine feelings of love when she couldn't protect tlj or herself.

How MXTX has sqq deliberately draw parallels between their situation and that of ygy+sj and tlj+sx; desperately wishing it might not be too late for them. The concept of breaking cycles of abuse and harm pervasive throughout the newly devised story, how it evolves for the better only when love takes the place of power, pride, and domination. How the moment sqq chooses vulnerability instead of saving face, the genre shifts to the so-called "cringe" girly genre where most if not every character is more fulfilled, more true to themselves. How the "male-oriented" former genre was aimlessly sensationalized and sexualized, how it was a sustained performance of aspirational toxic masculinity. How men objectify other men without end. All of the unspoken gendered implications that come with that.

Anyways. Going to go put my head in a sandbox and try to process everything I just witnessed because even a second reading is not enough to find a modicum of closure.

#svsss #bingqiu #moshang #i swear to god this series is just 'gay man who doesn't know shit inflicting his delusional reality on everyone else and inciting chaos'#and literally it's slapstick levels of hilarious every single time; mxtx never change #also i fully agree that we did not get NEARLY enough mobei-jun and sqh/airplane content #the amount of mental illness to mental illness communication going on there was astonishing #mobei-jun being afraid of his uncle and bringing sqh because that's the only person he trusts fully (WAILING NOISES)#sqh having a tantrum but running away because for the first time he was honest about his needs + his dissatisfaction with catering to other #how that reflects his narrative compulsions and how he felt forced to warp more creative story paths for the sake of survival as a writer #how sqq's restoration of much of his original intent--as well as mobei-jun's acceptance of his needs--helps airplane begin to heal #how his happiness begins; how just like sqq he wanders in such confusion and denial before he's forced to realize what truly matters to him #SHREK VOICE: STORIES HAVE. L A Y E R S #it feels like modern day shakespeare and when i say that i don't mean it in a hollow elevating sense i mean it more like #mxtx just hits that perfect balance of poignance but also hilarious concentric circles of botched communication and brainworms #okay but real talk for a minute? .........;-;#the way lbh constantly struggles with such a crushing feeling that he'll be abandoned over any little mishap/thing/problem #really hit me where it hurts??? if only because its so clearly an anxiety that stems from original goods' upbringing #the way it becomes even more heartrending when you think back to all the sect leaders clamoring that he should have been killed as an infan #that he should have been aborted as a fetus--insisting right in front of him that his birth was a mistake and a disgrace #over having demon blood in his veins. like my god that scene is so viscerally upsetting i struggle to read it #the way its so easy to see the demons as a manifestation of otherness in precipitated form #how both sqq and sqh are influenced by human rhetoric without evening meaning to--assuming the worst against their better judgment #how both sqq and sqh both struggle with their own otherness in different ways and only find solace when they begin to accept who they are #how their lovers (lbh and mbj respectively) both are willing to navigate those confusing waters with them #how both demons love them as they are--accept them as they are despite how difficult forgiveness of perceived betrayal is for them #ty mxtx for changing my brain chemistry #as i get older i have such a fondness for the messiness of thematic queer self-discovery and growth into self-acceptance #that and how youth can so easily be defined by perfectionistic self-harm and the violence of repression

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skitskatdacat63 · 6 months

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2023 Brazilian Grand Prix - Podium - Fernando Alonso

#HE IS SO RADIANT ON THIS PODIUM I LOVUUUU HIMMMMMMMM #once all the pics get released on all the websites i think ill have mental breakdown pt 2 #my roman empire is hoping someone took a pic of him holding the hat in his mouth #real ones will know about my weird obsession with confetti....fufilled today #im so annoyed they cut away when he did his jumpy mario thing #he does it every single time they should know this!!#so thank you to aston's insta for the clips #not my best quality gifs which is annoying but uhhhh i am under duress from myself LMAO #i need to make a brazil 2023 moodboard just from my deranged liveblogs cause my god #see you in Vegas!!! what a way to end a triple header wow. it really made the suffering in cota and mexico worth it #now old man better keep up this performance istg #but like seriously i could wax poetic about his defneding and overtaking in this race #it was actually unbelievable the level of skill he has #to defend against the superior rb19 for like 30~ laps and then to be able to overtake it with his much slower car??? chills.#has anyone gifed his overtake bcs my god i fell down #f1 #formula 1 #fernando alonso #2023 brazilian gp #we do a little bit of f1

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silksongeveryday · 3 months

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For a while now I’ve had this insanely big temptation to dedicate an entire day to drawing as many doodles as I can just so I can have a huge scheduled stockpile of doodles to be able to take a break for at least a month.

Maybe as Feb 14th, the anniversary of this blog, gets closer, I’ll consider it.

Maybe.

#ssed #or maybe I’m going insane over no silksong news #I still can’t believe I’ve gone for 300+ days #what level of mental illness is this called

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uncanny-tranny · 7 months

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If you truly want to do what's best for mentally ill people, you have to learn that you often won't be able to separate the "salvageable" parts of ourselves with our illnesses, and you can't pretend like we are sane people underneath the façade of insanity, like we can flip a switch and magically erase the differences that make us "disordered"

#mental health #mental health advocacy #i'm not sure how best to explain it but i see this attitude a lot that anything even mildly 'unsightly' must be punished or ignored...#...or fear mongered...#...or this idea that we *are* just secretly... not disordered and that we can choose every single aspect of our disorders and how...#...that will impact us and our world #it's really hard to explain if you haven't experienced it yourself. it's so hard to know that who you Fundamentally Are is seen as unhuman #that you cannot be disordered and seen as an equal in so many scenarios is precisely what i mean by 'if you want to do right [by us]'#we shouldn't HAVE to present as non-disordered or non-ill just to be treated like a person #i shouldn't have to be forced to pretend like my illnesses are an optional part of who i am that OTHERS should ignore so they can 'love me'#my illnesses are intrinsically tied to Who I Am. i will never have the opportunity to know what Being Sane is like and i shouldn't...#...have to pretend like that isn't the case #it's just fucked up to me to know that people would rather that we just... ignore often fundamental parts of who we are for *their* comfort #maybe that's how i'd word it? i find this a very complex topic but at the core...#...the idea is that we shouldn't have to fucking live a lie for the sake of the 'normal' folk #(obviously 'normal' isn't accurate on a technical level but it conveys how i see the conflict)

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bandomfandombeyond · 5 months

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THERE'S NOTHING STRAIGHT ABOUT REMEMBERING THE STRIPPER FROM YOUR BEST FRIEND'S FIRST BACHELOR PARTY AND THEN GETTING HER TO COME BACK TO A BACHELOR PARTY YOU'RE NONCONSENSUALLY HOSTING IN HIS APARTMENT 15 YEARS LATER??? AND THEY REMEMBER EACH OTHER?

#house md #hilson #these two are reaching levels of mentally ill queers that i can only aspire to #also what the fuck is going on with house hallucinating amber????

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ryssbelle · 2 months

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Me core

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storm-of-feathers · 2 months

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im so tired of people acting like anxiety and depression are "basic" or "mild" mental illnesses.

#like i have both as well as all my other bs #and they can fuck you up so. so bad #anxiety physically messes with your energy levels and adrenaline responses #and depression kills people. often.#disclaimer in case ppl wanna argue: i also have whats considered very severe mental illnesses. such as bpd.

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sameschmidtdiffname · 2 months

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Y'know what, if 'Wanting, Waiting' did anything to you like this amazing work by @rosegardeninwinter has done to me like some of y'all has been claiming it has, I'm sorry. I've been crying all morning. Fluff coming soon, for you and me bitch 😭😭

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beetle-goth · 8 months

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#girlblogger #coquette #femalemanipulator #dollette #femalerage

#jeeves and wooster #what level of mental illness am I on?#reginald jeeves

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holygroundgone · 1 month

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just absolutely fucking obsessed with the 0.5 evil marriage bad end deep in love deep in suffering of it all, everything that could've possibly went wrong went wrong and they're in it together

#truescholar.txt #the way that from the beginning of the book mo ran absolutely portrays it as him one sidedly tormenting chu wanning out of hate #but slowly it unfolds the realization of the sheer degree of intimacy and 'you would not be fucking doing that if you just hated his ass'#it's strongly been my conviction that once chu fei realized what was going on and 2.0 chu wanning inherited his souls and memory #thus meaningfully continuing his existence on (and i want to think it's a more complete continuation unlike soma level memory self shit)#that his perception of their years together in taxian jun's palace would completely change #and that he would almost treasure the time they had together even if during it was the most painful and agonizing time of his life #toxic trauma bond moments but they were in it together #and mo ran would've never done this to him in this way (ie the illusion of not loving him deeply in body heart and soul)#2ha is definitely not a moral tale nor an 'example of what you should or can do in a relationship'#but instead the story of how two deeply mentally ill and traumatized people fought their hardest to find their way home together #over two lifetimes #over many lives lost and regained #it truly only works because it's them and because they have the exact same kind of madness for each other

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californiannostalgia · 4 months

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sometimes I think

hey maybe it's that time again

it's that time to write an abuse survivor mental illness fic with lester papadopoulus and maybe that will help me figure out what the fuck is going on in my brain

maybe my obsession with normalcy and potential dangers and spiraling late at night and being suspicious of people and the hollow disgust at the desperately cheerful person I become around my (changed behavior) parents isn't normal people stuff

maybe I'm gonna be afraid forever incomprehensible forever non-normal forever and maybe apollo wants to say a few words on the subject

#lester papadopoulos #my thoughts #child abuse #I can't though because I suck at writing -> see I know this isn't strictly true but this is the first thought I go to #it is fucked up how I've internalized the concept of writing as a waste of time #feeling sort of insane hah when have I not felt insane #merry christmas and happy new year everybody somehow it's that time of year #I can't even figure out whether I want to keep going on this life trajectory bc most of the time I can't guage the misery level difference #is this academic student thing more difficult? less? what am I comparing this with?#is the fact that I was abused and so easier to take advantage of gonna be obvious to everyone I meet? how mentally ill do I seem to others?#vent post #trials of apollo

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fallenrain40 · 3 months

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Mapleshade

i have many thoughts on her

edit: hold on i forgot her scars i will reupload later uhh just say this is her before all the stuff happened

#something something i think mentallly ill cats should be allowed to heal when they die instead of being punished forever for their illness.#especially cause its just going to make the mental illness worse.#thats not saying what she did wasn't horrible i mean obviously she murdered ppl #but she was literally HALLUCINATING HER DEAD CHILDREN and THAT is what caused her to go insane #why was she punished for what she could not control??#mapleshade #warrior cats #mapleshade wc #wc art #wc #wc designs #art #autumn's art #my design #digital art #however i also think she is slightly stupid. for making her children walk into a flooding river. but again #i don't think that was “suffer for eternity” level stuff since she was being driven from her home and likely not in a good state to #make good decisions to begin with #and she narration shows she didnt even consider that the river would be dangerous

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