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#what can you do though i cant leave
pigeontakeover · 2 years
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ef-1 · 3 months
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girlhood
#i have to fly out to capetown to see mother and im literally debating if i could land in the morning and leave at night on the same day#like. anything longer than that is going to ruin my year.#when she called and did her “katherine. you have to be here on the 10th” i literally sobbed in my bed for the rest of the day 😍😍😍#not dyeing my hair black for a year and its getting lighter and lighter everyday and i look like her again#and my therapist telling me “you need to do things for yourself.” but like can i? sorry that woman traumatised me and i actually cant :)#like everything i do is informed by her#I'm going to go and just like everytime the only way to keep my sanity is to mirror her. talk and sit and speak and read and eat like her#and its such a terrifying experience bc i remember that im capable of emulating her viciousness and maybe i am my mother's daugher 🤢🤢🤢#and im going to come back and its going to take fucking months for me to feel like myself again#“oh you look so beautiful just like your mother” i hope you DIE lol !!! the fact that my conception of beauty was shaped by her#growing up with this cruel beautiful detached woman and realising that at the intersection of beauty and wickness is a lifetime of pain#and still being so desperate for her approval- for any metaphysical proximity to her that i felt elated when#people would tell me i look like her. that it meant i was also beautiful like her and maybe she'll love me a little for it#but now i know for a fact that i do look like her and it makes saliva swell under my tongue - that moment right before you throw up-#when people mention it 😍#last time i was in capetown my optic neuritis flared up (and i know for a fact it was that it was ms-stress related from having to see her)#and i thought i hid it so well even though i had near constant headaches & lethargy until she said “katherine give me the red notebook”#and i knew that she knew all along. it was so acutely humiliating standing there and knowing she knows i cant see which one is the red one#and she tilted her head and said “whats the matter? do you not know what red looks like?”#im never going to have kids. my mother and i read eachother so well it can only mean im never too far removed from becoming her#lol!!!!!!!!!
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tennessoui · 8 days
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sorry if this is a dumb question but for ur Kofi do these fics stay forever or do they get like refreshed like a story and is removed after a few weeks? sorry idk how this works 😭😅
no worries at all and not a dumb question!!! everything i put up there should be accessible forever while a person is a monthly supporter - any active subscriptions can access the gallery posts and view the descriptions of those posts where the links to the documents are. i have not and do not plan to take them down or rotate them out.
and honestly, like. if you want. become a monthly supporter and then cancel the subscription and you'll have a full month before you lose access to all the posts. and then while you have access, like. bookmark the links on your browser. you'll lose access to the post where the links are, but you won't literally lose access to the link itself if you save it, so do that and then if you ever want to read the fics in the future you can do it
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martyrbat · 10 months
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so many of you talk about the cruel adults in your childhood that negatively effected you and caused lifelong insecurity yet you're still perfectly fine with being that mean stranger to any kid that has the misfortune of existing around you and thats just really gross !!!
#like i get kids can be overwhelming for a various amount of reasons but its not going to kill you to treat children with basic human decency#adults can be just as overwhelming or annoying—if not more. yet if you talked to an another adult the same way you do to a kid#then ppl would fucking hate you and not want to be around you because youre not being cool and witty—youre just mean!!!#everyone has experienced the frustration of being a kid being mistreated by an adult. some more than others#rather its ignoring your bodily autonomy (from sa and assault to hugging you when you don't want to be touched to not letting you#make your own harmless choices like a haircut or whatever). everyone has been talked down to or had their opinion treated like its nothing#or that their thoughts or input doesn't matter. everyone has a childhood experience with a mean or judgemental adult#yet over and over ppl are fine just repeating that cycle of abuse and hatred#like youre a young adult and youre still getting treated like shit by older ones. but youre able to have a drink or you graduated or smthn#so now you feel like you earned that right to be judgemental & angry & mean to a group of people that didnt fucking do anything to you#anyways. this is because im sick and had to go to the store to get groceries and meds#so its a 20 minute walk to the nearest store in 108 degrees bc i dont have gas money and then in the store im ofc using a face mask#like im sweaty and feel disgusting and like shit but this kid was SO fucking excited about his spiderman toy and wanted to talk and#his mom said ‘i told you no one wants to hear about that crap leave her alone’ and like?? no fuck off let a kid be happy?? hes not fucking#doing anything wrong?? so we talked and he showed me the little tiy that lights up and asked if i saw the new spiderverse movie#and i told him i havent! so he asked why so i explained i have photosensitivity and what that means and why i cant see it#(‘even though i heard its super cool!’) and HE WAS SO SWEET... like immediately hid the toy because oh! flashing lights can hurt me!#and then immediately said dont worry because he'll tell me about it so its like i saw it instead!#and like. guys imma be honest with you. i stilm got no fucking idea what this movie's plot is.#but you bet your fucking ass i was pretending like i was following along & was going ‘no way!’ ‘so it's a parallel universe...?’ ‘oh wow!’#like yea its unnecessary. i felt oike i was gonna collapse and im still struggling to breathe at home now. but also i been the kid#who just wanted to talk about my interests and no one wanted to or was dismissing it.#i know it's not a end of the world deal but i also know that crushing feeling. you gotta be the kindness you want to see in the world yknow#anyways. be nice to kids or im not going to be nice to you. they're one of the most vulnerable members of our society and deserves kindness
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todayisafridaynight · 1 month
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any hopes for kiwami 3? like things u wanna see added or changed stuff like that
if they dont keep kiryu's goofy walk stance and the hoof-like walk sounds i dont wanna play it
#snap chats#no one understands how much i love that from y3 and y4 its genuinely one of my favorite things about the game#oh but i guess i have to give an actual answer now. HMPH.#id scream if they revived kanda calling mine limp wristed. homophobia in 4k#OK BUT TO BE SERIOUS uhhhh i dont know. im a real simple guy i think#my only like. If This Isnt There Im Leaving deal is mine's palette and im so serious#rgg's scaring me with all the black-hair/purple-suit mine stuff as of late and i cant stress how hard ill vomit if thats in the final#HYPOTHETICAL final anyways. yk3 isnt coming out for. IDK A WHILE#i wanna say i hope they highlight daigo and mine's relationship more but i dont know how theyd do that#i really like how mine's handled in y3 as is so i dont think i want scenes injected like what they did with yk1 and nishiki#someone said a Mine Saga after the game and... hm ... sounds too unrealistic for me to hope for it#like im REALLY trying to think how they could possibly reference the rggo stories in y3 since those are EXCELLENT but#i think . MAYBE. you could reference the story where richardson calls mine as he's driving to the hospital#the only thing you'd have to exclude though is mine stopping by the bar- like JUST keep the phone conversation maybe#cause in that scene that subordinate does question mine if he can really kill daigo and i think thatd be neat. in my opinion.#yeah i dont know. in regards to rggo its hard to think of what i want without intervening things i already like about y3#its a real head scratcher ...#a really good epilogue addition would be adapting that RGGO bit where daigo ruminates on mine. that's a fair ending for him i think#it also fulfills the need to see how daigo saw mine even if its just a little#and to non-rggo readers it could start to answer 'how does daigo feel about everything that happened'#im still so curious as to if daigo was briefed on EVERYTHING that happened but .... anyways....#sorry all my hopes for y3 are just mine/minedai centric fLVKELKA BUT LIKE. i really am content with everything else with y3 surprisingly#idk. i want kiryu fucking up that curry in high definition tho. thats important to me#THEY HAVE TO KEEP THE QTES DURING THE RICHARDSON FIGHT ILL BE PISSED#i need the fight to be AS CAMPY and unnecessary as it was in the og. INCLUDING richardson's voice acting i need it wack as hell#is it weird i actually appreciate the Diet Building Loredumping being like. in replayable-cutscene form#i thought id prefer just One Long cutscene but im glad theres the option to skip those segments#BUT being able to get a refresher in case you missed something somehow#im running out of tags jesus christ i shouldve put this in the main text but vjALjlagj those are all my thoughts for now bYE
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lowcursedmg · 7 months
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i am perfectly capable of hurting people and being insufferable. i realize this. and it doesnt make me an inherently bad person, it makes me just like everyone else.
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8millionscorpions · 3 days
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bored. need to rest in bed due to being in the ER last night for a rly bad head injury they did not treat me at all for and told me I had to walk home w a head injury, refused to give pain meds when asked (I asked for Tylenol or ibuprofen. they said we'll prescribe u 600 mgs which is over the counter strength), at 1am w it about to thunderstorm after only 1 blood test. they would not hold me the whole night. despite me showing heavy signs of a concussion
anyways my head hurts and I'm resting in bed for a while and taking it easy. I can't Decide
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pepprs · 9 months
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just went thru all of the notes on that post and like. YEAH. it’s a fucking wonder. like i should get to scream. i should get to lie down. i should get to have as many treats as i want for free.
#purrs#menstruation tw#literally so tmi but the pain + digestive issues + constant paranoia abt leaking + pain + exhaustion because of blood loss + exhaustion beca#because of sleep deprivation because of pain + pain + discomfort + the mortifying ordeal of leaving the room with your purse or taking out a#heating pad and everyone knows why + being in situations where you CANT use a heating pad because you have to walk somewhere or meet in a di#different place + pain + the fact that i can’t just reschedule shit when im dealing with it and can’t schedule around it and there aren’t#social structures in place to make it easy to do that + the fact that you aren’t supposed to talk about it even though it is all consuming +#pain and pain and pain. and it happens EVERY MONTH and if it doesn’t happen every month then either you’re suppressing it and risking#consequences or you’re pr*gn*nt and definitely unequivocally experiencing consequences or you’re menopausal which idk what the fuck that#even does but it’s not good or you’re getting it MORE frequently because you have a condition of some kind. like. the absolute suffering and#hellfire. i don’t want to play into the stereotype of menstruating ppl being bitchy and mean and hysterical but like.. not to say it but i#GET ITCOMOLETELY. why ppl thought it was hysteria and a curse and whatever. because it is 💖 no one should ever have to experience this 💖#delete later#ask to tag#brought to you by i haven’t even finished my dinner and i had to go lie down bc im in too much pain lol 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍#* digestive issues that need to be dealt with like… posthaste except (SO TMI SORRY) i have anxiety abt um. doing that in restrooms other ppl#can go into at the same time as me so ihave to scurry down MULTIPLE flights of stairs praying that the single user bathrooms are open so i#can shit in peace 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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skrunksthatwunk · 4 months
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not to doomer post. but. american politics is like here's a conservative warmonger who wants to burn you alive personally and here's a different conservative warmonger who definitely wouldn't stop someone from burning you alive BUT who might raise the minimum wage by $0.30/hour for you, but only like eight years from now (so re-elect me please!! >w<). yes one of them has to be president they are the only two options we'll let you have. no neither of them will stop the government from killing you or anyone else, but at least one will say "it's kind of bad to kill people :( someone should really do something about that..." while giving the people-killers $20,000,000,000,000 to keep doing it then saying they can't afford to help you at all, but oh shucks, maybe next cycle, if you vote for me again! and also everyone will pretend as though they are extremely different political entities covering two highly polarized ends of the political spectrum despite nearly identical policy views obscured by their slightly different ways of addressing their target audiences, many of whom are also conservative warmongers. and also if you don't vote or vote third party the other guy will win and you will watch as they burn everyone you love alive in the same way they've burned so many strangers so you kind of feel like you have to vote for the other warmonger because even though they both have blood on their hands you'll take a handshake over an uppercut. even if you can still see the bodies piling up behind them. even if you can only save like five people you know and not the thousands of people who are dying in the other room. because you believe the difference between 30,000 and 30,005 is still worth it even though no one needed to die in the first place and no one seems to agree with you. you have to keep living in this world every day. if anything changes it will take decades and it will never be enough. if this takes a toll on you good fucking luck surviving off the generosity of the warmonger state that claims to serve you. happy voting!!
#like. yeah i'll take the raised minimum wage. i guess. but jesus christ#yes you are doing slightly good things sometimes almost. can you stop killing people though. please. that is a higher priority#like this is my first prezzy election season since i turned voting age right and like. what the fuck am i supposed to do now#what am i supposed to do with this. it took me 5 fucking months to pick a dead cockroach off my floor how am i supposed to fix this.#how am i meant to be a person and go on living while knowing i am doing nothing and cannot do anything and won't do anything#i need to fight i need to get up but i am stuck. im always stuck. i pray yknow. i don't know what else to do#how can people think about buying houses and getting promotions in this world. how are they not feeling likr their chest is caving in every#time they falter in their complex self-distraction. how am i supposed to do anything when all i can think about is helping and my body won't#let me. i cant do anything i cant but i have to but i cant. im supposed to and im a bad person if i dont and i cant live like that.#and if i am too upset about that i am punished for it by the people around me and ignored by those in power if not punished as well.#i love the world. i love people. you motherfuckers are killing everything and im not stopping you and you're getting in the way of me loving#the life i was built to love and i can't understand why you think it's even thinkable to do what you're doing. or what im doing.#i just want to look at clovers and paint and be good to my neighbors but you won't stop fucking murdering people in front of me#and i can't fucking do anything. i cant take care of the people i love i can't carry my own weight i can't take care of myself i can't move#and im supposed to fucking file taxes? to fund mass slaughter? on the off chance it might go to welfare or something. god.#i hate it here i hate it here america is a fucking nightmare it is hell i can't stand it but if i leave im just running and saving myself#whch is selfsh and cruel and so i would never be able to escape the feeling and i would always be in american hell because it' a part of me#but if i stay i cannot do anything because my body is filled with smoke and broken glass and im supposed to fucking get my drivers license#so i can buy groceries or get a job so i can keep myself on life support watching everything get worse and worse around me#and knowing that nothing has ever been good here and ive been lied to forever and im still being lied to#and i am in hell.#and me dying won't fix it and me living won't fix it ans both are too painful to even consider.#i am drowning i am drowning i am drowning i am drowning and my skin is on fire im on fire and i want to have children. but i can't imagine#doing that to someone. oh my god. and to raise them and watch them come to understand what this place ive brought them to is#that ive raised them in a slaughterhouse and to feebly try to show them the clovers and the ducks and the baby shoes and teach them to love#when maybe that love of the world is a distraction. or maybe i use it as one. i think of the blood as an obstacle to love and joy but maybe#i would not love the world so much if i was not so constantly desperately scared and ashamed of living in it#and i am a very lucky person. my life is cushy and i want to rip my skin off because what does that matter when it doesnt let me help people#god help me. but help the rest of them first. but i am helped first anyway and i hate it. i dont. i cant. god.#nyarla dni
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bingobongobonko · 4 months
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clicking my tongue and having thoughts over and over again. how to be a good successful person if the general idea of success involves so much rise and grind to survive. like im not crazy right. to be successful i have to play an unseen social game with so many people, one i dont wanna participate in nor capable of playing along in. or maybe im lazy and making excuses, or is that what ive been taught to think. why is our only choices exploiting everybody to get to the top, killing yourself to get the career you want (and not guaranteed to you), or joining the military. and before somebody says yea no shit dude, i know; been known, but frustrating nonetheless. i do think im a bit lazy. im not a great person but im a person ig. unsure why morality of it is bugging me right now. just funny how intertwined being a good person and having a good productive work ethic is intertwined. maybe its supposed to be, i dont know. dont feel like it sometimes. im working, but when im not, theres a sick feeling in my head that im a bad person. and i do think that is engrained by the people around us, and maybe im lazy, but i would like it gone. sometimes i just wanna live, thats what my existence is for. morality defined by ur usefulness and work ethics is just offputting. but also im no one special so thats my view of it, there are good people who strive for a lot and thats very lovely. i just dont think thats me
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elegyofthemoon · 5 months
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no one asked but the music in argenti's quest was driving insane for a while and i was wondering why only to realize that they both sound very ff13-esque.
"Cosmic Sacrifice for Love" sounds like "Giant's Fist" by Naoshi Mizuta
"A Gentleman's Fantasy"... I can't even pinpoint exactly which Masashi Hamauzu song it sounds like BUT IT USES A LOT OF SIMILAR HAMAUZU MOTIFS AND ITS REALLY GOOD LMAO just like listen to "Blinded by Light" :)
#I WAS WONDERING WHY I WAS FIXATED ON THESE SONGS IN PARTICULAR I CRACKED THE CASE#THE CASE IS I HAVE NEVER MOVED ON FROM THIS GAME#i would ask to leave but unfortunately ff13 owns my soul and i don't really want to take it back#no this is not a push to make people play ff13 what hahaha hahahahaahahahhahah#nah i just. i miss ff13. but whats new LAKSJDHLFADSKJHLKJH#like every other day ill go 'man i miss ff13' and do nothing about it. bc i really cant#i MEAN TECHNICALLY YES I CAN BC BY IMPULSE I DOWNLOADED THE GAME /AGAIN/ GUESS WHY GO ON LMAO#but yeah#no anyways if you do like those songs i recommend masashi hamauzu ^7^ he makes such good songs#im not too much of a fan of naoshi mizuta i think... but i mean some of the songs in ff13-2 are super good#most of the ost is a little. funky though#but he did also make promptos theme? home sweet home? i think?#bro that song makes me baaaawl its very very beautiful but thats bc i do really likethe sound of cello myeheh#no one asked for the ff13/hsr ramble yet here i am :) ✨✨✨✨#i just thinkitd be funny if they looked into ff13 for inspiration for the ost 👀theyd get a + from me for that#i just wanted to share ff13 music. or. share. ff13 anything really. hi <3#hahahaha now if they did a wittle more and pulled more hamauzu style songs for penacony ? eheheheh <3 i think i might have found my favorit#favorite place <3 i already kinda see the potential for it being to my liking BUT WE SHALL SEE#okay im done rambling HI !!!#snow plays hsr#... should i tag my ff13 rambles?#i guess lmao#snow plays ff13#i feel like a different song sounds more like cosmic sacrifice for love but that was the first thing that came to mind probably bc#the only things that ever stick in my brain in ff13-2 is yaschas massif 10 af 😗😗
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dirt-str1der · 1 year
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hello i just wanna say i genuinely like ur observation about nishiki's fighting style and then ya manage to bring it back to ur 'drug addict nishiki' headcanon like it caught me off guard but im also not surprised that is so fair and real of u okay thank u
In a world where drugs dont exist, nishikiyama’s strength comes solely from his anger and i guess he goes to the gym too
#Thanks for the ask !#Yakuza loveblog#its not a headcanon his voice actor said so before he so does drugs and he does it to escape his terrible life ratpark style#i would in fact be more surprised to learn that nishikis rawdogging life i mean hes definitely not religious and i guess he has alcohol but#thats not enough for what he has to endure. we have to give him meth we have to let him do coke#like i have no reason not to believe he goes to the gym because he is literally vain and i bet he works out till he gets a six pack all#one my life sucks two my life sucks on the bench and he drags kiryu there too even though he hates going to the gym because it stanks and#the aircon is always blowing at the worst spots and the overhead lights oohhhh cant stand the bowling alley either he throws the ball as#hard as he can and it doesnt even touch the runway before its smashing into the pins thats why the y5 bowling completion is so easy he#wants to get out of there asap. im off track see everything goes back to kiryu i always neglect nishikiyama. like even kazamas like heres#some drugs now leave me alone and hea like hmm do i snort this or sell it. oh well SNNRRRT. like there is absolutely no reason for his#entire fighting style to be heavy attacks unless hes wired like crazy and its because hes so pissed off all the time plus hes teeming with#like. cocaine. hulking the fuck out. thats why kiryu feels so safe around him because he has every reason to believe that in a pinch nishik#i can grab someones head and pop it like a grape in order to save his life hes seen it happen before it wasnt just because he feels#comfortable and in sync with nishikiyama he literally has seen him punch someone so hard their skull caved in and hes like okay !#thats why he loves fighting him so much its because if nishiki punches him in the head he’ll just have to wake up the next morning in pain#its so fun trust me on this you need to be punched by your brother right now or youll die
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dreamcast-official · 6 months
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ugh.
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jonny-b-meowborn · 10 months
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i just cried after doing the dishes because of my paws being in pain and because I feel like I'm being a terrible host because I'm kinda tired of my guests. I love spending time with them, but having to go to work, do my house chores, keep them entertained and fed, is just too much. And I feel like being overwhelmed makes me a horrible host. I didnt tell them anything, I'm trying to seem like I'm not that tired, but just because in my head I'm getting tired of all that, I'm bad. And yes I know that my thoughts don't make me bad, but that doesn't matter because while I know that I still feel like absolute piece of garbage. Because like, how could I even think of that. I'm supposed to be happy about them being here, and I am happy, but I am also constantly in pain and have to do everything around the house and it's just too much
#i feel so guilty for that but sometimes i wish theyd leave early even though they just came here#not because i dont want them to be around#i just dont want to have to do absolutely everything for them#but i have to. theyre my guests#i wish they lived closer so we could meet without all that exhausting bullshit#just. go get a coffee or pizza together every now and then#but since they live across the country they cant visit often so every visit has to matter#and what makes me even more guilty is that im mostly tired of my sister's boyfriend#i like him. but im tired#my sister is my everything and i would kill and die for her. she can do whatever she wants#but also she does whatever she wants. if shes hungry or thirsty she knows she can just grab anything she wants from the fridge or whatever#because shes family. she lived with us most of her life. our home is still her home#but her boyfriend is someone new to this place. he lives differently from us simply because he wasnt a part of our family until recently#technically he can do whatever he wants but i know how awkward can it be to rummage in someone elses fridge#and he shouldnt have to clean the place. because hes a guest#so while my sister is just living here for now i have to do everything for him#and because im already making a meal for him why wouldnt i do it for my sister?#i do it anyway when only she is visiting because i love her#you know honestly im just a better host when there's only one guest. its not that overwhelming#okay also im hungry but i cant eat anything bc of various stupid reasons#mostly just. i dont feel comfortable eating around people i don't know thay much#but also i feel like i cant eat anything if i dont give them that thing too. but they already ate something this evening#there wasnt enough of that meal for three people so i just made them food. but now i fant get anything else for myself#without giving them that thing too but theyre not hungry anymore bc they already ate#and I'm just too fucking tired to make anything for everyone#i want to just make myself some toast or sandwich without having to do a million of them#im just generally tired and hungry and overwhelmed and in pain and i feel so guilty for being those things#ough#bee buzz
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todayisafridaynight · 2 years
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mine WOULD be the justice arcana. if you even care or anything.
#snap chats#LISTEN SOMEONE JOKED ABOUT IT ON MY INITAL POST BUT LIKE#I HAD ALREADY THOUGHT HE'D BE JUSTICE CAUSE IT'S JUST FITTING IN EVERY SENSE LMAOOOO#i just keep thinkin bout it cause it just fits so well#brunette-with-parental-difficulties-and-a-stoic-personality-who-needs-the-protagonists-help-to-be-at-peace-with-themselves gang rise up#'help' he beats the shit out of mine but listen. you can shoot akechi on a boat LMAO#have your duel in the metaverse w/e i'm getting off topic#seriously though the thing is 'justice' is a part of his character#more so 'justice' in the sense of lashing out against opposition to daigo#'justice' in enacting punishment on others who he's deemed have done wrong in one way or another#and then of course he inevitably has to face justice for his own actions which he does without hesitation#as he interprets that as 'the best' course of action and proper atonement#justice also goes more into pursuing The Truth wherein mine's truth is learning about the true value of bonds with others#see typing that just SOUNDS like a persona villain man fuck off LMAOO#see i wasnt going to type a proper essay but i kinda want to.... the worms are festering on my brain....#UGH SEE NOW I WANNA WRITE UP SOMETHING PROPER CAUSE I FEEL LIKE I AINT SAYIN WHAT I WANNA SAY HOW I WANNA SAY IT#like UGH this is why i like doing the persona arcana shit cause like#when you find a match you can REALLY find a match and its just fun exploring how well it fits#ima stop now tho ill go be normal now. and by that i mean rummage around my kitchen and make like. breaded chicken at 8PM#i dont even eat at night but i also cant just let that go to waste it wont be good if i leave it in the fridge overnight#ok whatever this post is everywhere. these TAGS are everywhere my mistake#thats always what i mean though like 'the post' is just like. The Title yk what i mean#the REAL meat's in the tags. because i'm deranged#i don't know why it's more comforting to type in the tags it just is. it's like Extra Bits for the post or whatever idk#ok im done now fr bye#send me more arcana shit if you want because like i said This Shit Gets Fun
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carrieway · 1 year
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in other news i bickered with ethan over whether or not im chronically ill . i think i lost .
#like YAH i have a lot of stomach issues that cause intense pain that leaves me unable to do anything more often than not and i make#bi-annual trips to the ER because of it and most of the time i have an undercurrent of pain that leaves me uncomfortable and unable to#really relax#and Sure i cant eat a majority of food without getting ill and doctors just look at me and ask if i want birth control#bc i pcos and that's all they focus on even though pcos is the least painful thing i have rn#But.#But !#it's not that bad n others like deal with legit things you know#idk. i have so many internalized issues NDDNDNND#bc i have pcos* i am Not pcos as a whole#IDK. its hard to admit to anything. i can barely legitimately admit im severely mentally ill#even though it is so very obvious NDNDNDN#i had ''disabled'' in my bio for a hot minute once a year or two ago n it quickly disappeared bc i just thought like. well everyone's gna#think im a liar !#n it's more of like....hm hm. less of a liar more of people think im selling myself short which is a bananas of an ableist statement#but these are things people have said to me ! like buddy i am not selling myself short i am telling you i will have a meltdown at a moments#notice over literally nothing#like. it's being realistic and honest but ive been made to feel otherwise and i hate lying so i get tense around this#bc of what ive been lead to believe#idk where this is going im just rambling my apologies NDDNND#i have so much to unlearn. i know it doesnt affect others how i think bc i make sure it never extends outward but...how i treat myself does#i think#treating myself poorly for things my friends or even ethan deals with can reflect onto them i think. so i do need to better that area#it is hard ! it is hard. but not impossible !#maybe i just need to write all my issues out on a piece of paper and pretend they're on someone else#so i can better see it all#blabs
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